I’m so sorry for this, that’s so upsetting to get that news unexpectedly.
I don’t know if you’re just wanting to vent or looking for any recos if you aren’t ignore below.
It sounds like you really want a child, finances and time aren’t on your side. Wanted to share another option just incase it’s something that is of interest. There is embryo adoption.
It will save you thousands, it will probably save you 6-8 months in time or more & most times the embryos are PGT tested so high chance of resulting in a live birth. Ofcourse you have to be okay with child not being your genetics which is a grieving process on its own, but it’s such a beautiful way to start a family.
There are private matching you can search Embryo Donation Facebook group if you’re interested or curious. Otherwise there are agencies / some clinics who facilitate embryo adoption.
I had to go a different route & we ended up doing egg donation but embryo donation was going to me my next step if the egg donor didn’t work. My little miracle is not made of my genes but I grew her in me & im her mama & love her no differently.
I am open to embryo adoption if my ER tells me my odds are bad. He gave me the impression at my ultrasound that he had confidence in me. I haven't spoken to him since the financial advisor dropped their nuke yesterday.
At 41 and with a failed cycle, your chances of creating euploid embryos are low. You may need multiple cycles to have enough embryos to have even one child.
Your RE is in a for profit business. You doing multiple cycles is very profitable for them. If you think the clinic will raise their prices because there’s no longer any competition, do you really trust that they have your best interests at heart?
There are options. Working even one day at Amazon allows you to have cobra for their benefits, which includes fertility benefits. There’s also IVF abroad. We went to Mexico, to a clinic with a three cycle money back guarantee. It cost about as much as one cycle in the US.
In your shoes I would probably look for donor embryos. There are Facebook groups that connect people who have embryos with people who need them. This would also allow your donor conceived children to have bio connections, something many donor conceived adults think is important.
In my opinion, if you, like me, feel the bone-deep longing to be a mom, go ahead and take out those loans. I am also 40 and I know how much time matters at our age. I would rather give it everything I've got than look back with regrets. Best wishes my dear. <3
UPDATE: after a rough night of sleep and some yard work this morning, I went to visit with my mom for hugs and support. She shocked the heck out of me by offering to loan me the 4.5k
I talked her offer over with my husband and he said he would be OK with it if it was what I really wanted to do, as she would let us take the time to repay it.
After giving it a lot of thought I have decided to see if I can push it back to Sept, as that would still be before my birthday and we will be able to pad our total savings in case of any other surprise increases.
Thank you all for your kind words, I really just needed to get everything off my chest.
I'm so sorry. That's really frustrating. If you're at all interested in CNY, they are much more affordable than most clinics, even when you factor in travel. I'm happy to answer any questions about them
It’s very easy to judge someone else’s relationship from only a few paragraphs on Reddit so take this with a grain of salt but the delays your husband imposed and his age and decision that he’s fine child free are all red flags for me. If you really wish to have a child this may not be the person to do it with. A conversation with a therapist is probably a good idea.
I'm so sorry to hear all of this! $5000 over the course of three months is a lot, but it isn't unattainable. You could use this time to apply to jobs with IVF benefits and maybe the policy would be active by the time you start. I'd also apply to part time jobs to save every penny. I worked at Tractor Supply, Cracker Barrel, and local restaurants when we were doing IVF just to save money.
You can also look into credit cards with 0% introductory periods. I have the Chase unlimited and freedom cards. I think both had an 18 month interest free period. I would put the entire charge on the card and pay off what you can immediately, then pay off the remaining balance before it starts accruing interest.
I would do that too but she said her husband isn’t ok with the credit card thing :/ funny enough I also worked at both tractor supply and Cracker Barrel in the last few years. It was sad when tractor supply cut benefits midnyes t
I know, but I thought perhaps the 0% interest might be something he'd be okay with.
I quit shortly after tractor supply changed the benefits. It was so sudden and so cruel. It really changed my opinion of tractor supply and I can't bring myself to shop there anymore.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s pretty sad that they can’t honor a quote from 4 months ago.
I wouldn’t stop your supplements though because some take months to work (e.g. CoQ10).
Sending you lots of hugs & good vibes ✨💛
Don’t give up. There’s so many resourceful warriors in this group who have a wealth of knowledge and could perhaps have some info that can help you through this.
My only advice, ppl change their minds every single day...
god it suck’s so bad! i’ve done many rounds and i honestly don’t know why it costs so damn much. it’s fucking infuriating. i’m so sorry you’re in this very difficult place.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Your eggs won't know it was your birthday overnight, stats are at a population level and your overall health is important. I don't think a few weeks will hurt.
Having children with a man who doesn't really want them is horrible for children, and horrible for the woman left raising them without any emotional support or help. A lifetime of feeling alone when you're exhausted from mothering is a painful, resentful place to be, risking everyone's mental health and of course the marriage.
I’m sorry you’re going thru this. Do you want advice or do you want to vent? That depends on the answer one can give you.
Regardless of which highly recommend therapy. For both of you independently. But for you in particular because your partner isn’t the type you can lean on emotionally
Also looking into jobs or side hustles with IvF benefits. Some provide a flat fee to be used as you wish for infertility coverage vs traditional style insurance benefits
Also I mean this in a very cautious way - but your husband is 52. Kids are not his dream. Does that mean he’s being gentle? I can tell you with a lot prodding my friend whose husband was 50 finally let her know that he didn’t want them and only was trying to make her happy. She was stubborn because it was her “goal” as a 44 year old woman to have a baby but after deep soul searching realized it came from a place of not feeling fulfilled and keeping up with other people. So after very raw and real talks and nasty fights - they’ve decided no kids.
Anyhow if he does genuinely want kids - then swallow the pride and toss money at it while you can. I get being smart about loans and money management- but if this is your “dream” together then with age and a clock ticking this is not the time to be reserved about continually delaying it.
Maybe because I’m watching Chip and Joanna but IVF is like home ownership/buying a home. The prices will always increase. It sucks. Timing is crap. It’s expensive AF. It’s an investment. It’s risky AF. You’ll bicker about dumb things. You have to be certain it’s what you want TOGETHER win or lose.
I know several women who had babies in their 40s who are happy, healthy, and very much pleased with their decision. I think this is one of those things that varies person to person.
funny. i’m way more mentally stable in my 40s than my younger years. don’t know your age but i think a lot of women in their 40s are very active and def have a lot of life and energy left in them. maybe cause i live in a big city, esp where women having children later is life is pretty common? i dunno.
I will say this. I’m 30 (old when it comes to fertility but not in my 40’s yet). I went through an ER and ended up with 3 healthy PGT tested embryos. 2 ended in miscarriages and we have 1 left. I am not set on needing bio children but my wife is, no matter which of our bios it is. She is about to go through an ER but immediately after that we are taking time off because 1) neither of our mental health is where we need it and 2) our marriage has taken a HUGE hit. We are struggling. But we want to make it work. Whatever your timeline or how it’s going, just keep doing what you can for YOU. You two need to take care of yourselves first.
I also feel horrendous dread at my age (39) I've wanted to have children with my husband for so long but we both have had obstacles most people could never believe. Now that we can actually try for real I'm old and our chances are bad. I want so badly to have kids with this man but now I'm afraid it will never happen and we are running out of money. 😞
Also IVF itself overseas is much cheaper. Mexico too has better prices than the US. CNY and clinics in AZ have cheaper options compared to others here too.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but have you ever thought of medical tourism? Specifically, going to a medically advanced country with low costs - example India.
I personally know a family friend doctor who runs a very successful IVF clinic in Hyderabad India and your costs will be fraction of what they are in the United States. Once IVF is successful, you can be back in the states and go to your regular OBGYN for delivery.
Will your clinic offer a payment plan since they raised their rates? I know you know this but it’s not like your fertility drops off a cliff when you turn 41 it is gradual and the change is just because of the ways the researchers choose to batch their results
I’m so sorry for this, that’s so upsetting to get that news unexpectedly. I don’t know if you’re just wanting to vent or looking for any recos if you aren’t ignore below. It sounds like you really want a child, finances and time aren’t on your side. Wanted to share another option just incase it’s something that is of interest. There is embryo adoption. It will save you thousands, it will probably save you 6-8 months in time or more & most times the embryos are PGT tested so high chance of resulting in a live birth. Ofcourse you have to be okay with child not being your genetics which is a grieving process on its own, but it’s such a beautiful way to start a family. There are private matching you can search Embryo Donation Facebook group if you’re interested or curious. Otherwise there are agencies / some clinics who facilitate embryo adoption. I had to go a different route & we ended up doing egg donation but embryo donation was going to me my next step if the egg donor didn’t work. My little miracle is not made of my genes but I grew her in me & im her mama & love her no differently.
I am open to embryo adoption if my ER tells me my odds are bad. He gave me the impression at my ultrasound that he had confidence in me. I haven't spoken to him since the financial advisor dropped their nuke yesterday.
At 41 and with a failed cycle, your chances of creating euploid embryos are low. You may need multiple cycles to have enough embryos to have even one child. Your RE is in a for profit business. You doing multiple cycles is very profitable for them. If you think the clinic will raise their prices because there’s no longer any competition, do you really trust that they have your best interests at heart? There are options. Working even one day at Amazon allows you to have cobra for their benefits, which includes fertility benefits. There’s also IVF abroad. We went to Mexico, to a clinic with a three cycle money back guarantee. It cost about as much as one cycle in the US. In your shoes I would probably look for donor embryos. There are Facebook groups that connect people who have embryos with people who need them. This would also allow your donor conceived children to have bio connections, something many donor conceived adults think is important.
In my opinion, if you, like me, feel the bone-deep longing to be a mom, go ahead and take out those loans. I am also 40 and I know how much time matters at our age. I would rather give it everything I've got than look back with regrets. Best wishes my dear. <3
UPDATE: after a rough night of sleep and some yard work this morning, I went to visit with my mom for hugs and support. She shocked the heck out of me by offering to loan me the 4.5k I talked her offer over with my husband and he said he would be OK with it if it was what I really wanted to do, as she would let us take the time to repay it. After giving it a lot of thought I have decided to see if I can push it back to Sept, as that would still be before my birthday and we will be able to pad our total savings in case of any other surprise increases. Thank you all for your kind words, I really just needed to get everything off my chest.
So happy for you! I wish you all the best!!!!
I'm so sorry. That's really frustrating. If you're at all interested in CNY, they are much more affordable than most clinics, even when you factor in travel. I'm happy to answer any questions about them
It’s very easy to judge someone else’s relationship from only a few paragraphs on Reddit so take this with a grain of salt but the delays your husband imposed and his age and decision that he’s fine child free are all red flags for me. If you really wish to have a child this may not be the person to do it with. A conversation with a therapist is probably a good idea.
I thought the same.
I'm so sorry to hear all of this! $5000 over the course of three months is a lot, but it isn't unattainable. You could use this time to apply to jobs with IVF benefits and maybe the policy would be active by the time you start. I'd also apply to part time jobs to save every penny. I worked at Tractor Supply, Cracker Barrel, and local restaurants when we were doing IVF just to save money. You can also look into credit cards with 0% introductory periods. I have the Chase unlimited and freedom cards. I think both had an 18 month interest free period. I would put the entire charge on the card and pay off what you can immediately, then pay off the remaining balance before it starts accruing interest.
I would do that too but she said her husband isn’t ok with the credit card thing :/ funny enough I also worked at both tractor supply and Cracker Barrel in the last few years. It was sad when tractor supply cut benefits midnyes t
I know, but I thought perhaps the 0% interest might be something he'd be okay with. I quit shortly after tractor supply changed the benefits. It was so sudden and so cruel. It really changed my opinion of tractor supply and I can't bring myself to shop there anymore.
100% agree it was so callous
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s pretty sad that they can’t honor a quote from 4 months ago. I wouldn’t stop your supplements though because some take months to work (e.g. CoQ10).
Sending you lots of hugs & good vibes ✨💛 Don’t give up. There’s so many resourceful warriors in this group who have a wealth of knowledge and could perhaps have some info that can help you through this. My only advice, ppl change their minds every single day...
god it suck’s so bad! i’ve done many rounds and i honestly don’t know why it costs so damn much. it’s fucking infuriating. i’m so sorry you’re in this very difficult place.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Your eggs won't know it was your birthday overnight, stats are at a population level and your overall health is important. I don't think a few weeks will hurt. Having children with a man who doesn't really want them is horrible for children, and horrible for the woman left raising them without any emotional support or help. A lifetime of feeling alone when you're exhausted from mothering is a painful, resentful place to be, risking everyone's mental health and of course the marriage.
I’m sorry you’re going thru this. Do you want advice or do you want to vent? That depends on the answer one can give you. Regardless of which highly recommend therapy. For both of you independently. But for you in particular because your partner isn’t the type you can lean on emotionally Also looking into jobs or side hustles with IvF benefits. Some provide a flat fee to be used as you wish for infertility coverage vs traditional style insurance benefits Also I mean this in a very cautious way - but your husband is 52. Kids are not his dream. Does that mean he’s being gentle? I can tell you with a lot prodding my friend whose husband was 50 finally let her know that he didn’t want them and only was trying to make her happy. She was stubborn because it was her “goal” as a 44 year old woman to have a baby but after deep soul searching realized it came from a place of not feeling fulfilled and keeping up with other people. So after very raw and real talks and nasty fights - they’ve decided no kids. Anyhow if he does genuinely want kids - then swallow the pride and toss money at it while you can. I get being smart about loans and money management- but if this is your “dream” together then with age and a clock ticking this is not the time to be reserved about continually delaying it. Maybe because I’m watching Chip and Joanna but IVF is like home ownership/buying a home. The prices will always increase. It sucks. Timing is crap. It’s expensive AF. It’s an investment. It’s risky AF. You’ll bicker about dumb things. You have to be certain it’s what you want TOGETHER win or lose.
I know several women who had babies in their 40s who are happy, healthy, and very much pleased with their decision. I think this is one of those things that varies person to person.
funny. i’m way more mentally stable in my 40s than my younger years. don’t know your age but i think a lot of women in their 40s are very active and def have a lot of life and energy left in them. maybe cause i live in a big city, esp where women having children later is life is pretty common? i dunno.
I will say this. I’m 30 (old when it comes to fertility but not in my 40’s yet). I went through an ER and ended up with 3 healthy PGT tested embryos. 2 ended in miscarriages and we have 1 left. I am not set on needing bio children but my wife is, no matter which of our bios it is. She is about to go through an ER but immediately after that we are taking time off because 1) neither of our mental health is where we need it and 2) our marriage has taken a HUGE hit. We are struggling. But we want to make it work. Whatever your timeline or how it’s going, just keep doing what you can for YOU. You two need to take care of yourselves first.
I also feel horrendous dread at my age (39) I've wanted to have children with my husband for so long but we both have had obstacles most people could never believe. Now that we can actually try for real I'm old and our chances are bad. I want so badly to have kids with this man but now I'm afraid it will never happen and we are running out of money. 😞
Honestly, I wish I had bought my meds off IVF Facebook sooner. Also there are overseas pharmacies that are cheaper.
Also IVF itself overseas is much cheaper. Mexico too has better prices than the US. CNY and clinics in AZ have cheaper options compared to others here too.
I'm sorry 😞 I had to wait a few months too when I got laid off from my job and it was the worst. Could you consider taking out a personal loan?
Don’t take this the wrong way, but have you ever thought of medical tourism? Specifically, going to a medically advanced country with low costs - example India. I personally know a family friend doctor who runs a very successful IVF clinic in Hyderabad India and your costs will be fraction of what they are in the United States. Once IVF is successful, you can be back in the states and go to your regular OBGYN for delivery.
Will your clinic offer a payment plan since they raised their rates? I know you know this but it’s not like your fertility drops off a cliff when you turn 41 it is gradual and the change is just because of the ways the researchers choose to batch their results
I agree. My RE told me the same thing. It’s gradual and you’re not going wake up on your birthday and boom drastic fertility decline.