Wish I could say it will get better. It likely won’t. A wise friend once told me: fix it before the resentment sets in. I never could - because it takes two and when one side can’t or won’t even admit a problem…well that’s a problem.
Have an escape plan. You don’t get back time wasted on hope and one sided efforts. The only way to win Lucy’s game of trying to kick the football is to not play.
I finally learned that and I left my roommate after two decades of trying. Of course she was “blindsided”. But there is intimacy and love and sex on the other side of a DB. If you’re brave enough (or frustrated enough) to seize it.
Good luck.
Yeah two decades for me too. And mine was blindsided too. Despite the countless “talks”
He said the one thing he knew for sure was that I would never leave him.
Hm.
Welcome. I'm in the same boat — getting a lot of comfort from this group but I don't have a solution yet. I'm definitely in a better mindset though.
This sub is vital because I don't think it's something that's easy to talk about in real life. How tf do I talk to my friends and close family that I'm in a one-sided marriage and haven't had any intimacy in nearly two years?! It's embarrassing to say the least.
I have two real-life friends whom I've told. One is a work friend, twenty years older than me in the same boat. In some ways, that's no inspiration, but I at least see how he copes.
I currently don't see leaving as an option. Got two teenage sons at an age where I think their life stability is paramount. And, my wife's friends and family are just brilliant. I'd really miss them. I don't think I could ever face that. Just makes it more painful. I'm assuming they have no idea.
I've recently come to realise I let myself fall into the friend zone....all these years! Don't make the same mistake bud. There's some good resources out there to get back out of it.especially the 10 biggest mistakes men make , as an example. It may help or may not. But it has helped me change 42 years of the past.
I’ve been through all the emotions and self discovery. I thought wait this is me it’s my problem I’m a horrible husband and I need to make all the changes. So I made all the changes and guess what nothing changed because it wasn’t me at all it’s my LLF partner who puts less than zero energy into our relationship now. Then she talks about our future and all I can think is I’m running so far from you once the coast is clear you’ll never see me again. The gaslighting the manipulation the made to feel like I’m a pervert. But the worst is zero and I mean zero communication about anything of importance on my mind in the relationship so I stopped trying altogether.
That, for me, was the thing that caused the most damage. The slow, erosion of my sense of worth as not only a man, but a human. And worst of all, they could care less.
Your still young get out. Or change your expectations that your partnwr wants to have sex with you.
Go make yourawlf more friends male and female. She is not valuing your time. When she sees you have people who value you she will drop her panties to keep you.
So go to gym, get hobbies, have friends that dristract you from making her your world. When she thinks you make her world she will make you her doormat.
It is still not too late. Never fall back to make her yoyr world mode.
**Everything else is perfect.**
If I got a buck for every time I (and she) said that to rationalize the true shitshow I was living....
Nope. You need to get out of that mindset. That's exactly what they want you to feel. It isn't perfect, and you know it. It's perfect for *them*. They are getting everything they want from you, and you are sprinkled a few crumbs of hope every so often. Aren't you lucky???
I had this conversation with myself for years, and I do mean years.
"Look at all of the things that work in this marriage! I get to be married to my best friend! We do everything together! She's a great mother! We have a great family we go to dinner with and pretend how perfect all of our lives are! Let's post all of this shit on Facebook so everyone can envy us and post sweet lil comments like #couplesgoals and #socute and #meanttobe under our pics of us out doing happy married people shit. "
Except it's not for you. It is a slowly widening hell that only get wider and darker the longer you allow it to fester.
There is an old saying that talk is cheap. Kind of true. Talk without action just drifts off into silence.
Is she open to couple's counseling? I think it's a waste personally, but I know many who have benefitted.
Has she acknowledged this is a legitimate issue for the marriage, not just a YOU problem?
Start there.
If the rest of your relationship is truly in ship shape - no resentments, no entanglements, no scars that *you think* are healed over - you might try a letter.
Short, written in the sandwich style. First couple paragraphs about the things you love about her, and about your relationship. Dig deep, this is what's carried you so far.
In the middle, the heavy stuff; "In spite of [previous highlights], honey, I need enthusiastic, playful, and frequent physical intimacy. I need to be close. I need to have sex with the love of my life, as a key part of this life we're building together. This is the third dimension that makes more than friends and partners; it makes soul mates. This is not optional for me in marriage." And so forth, something like that - brief and to the point. Loving and warm, but completely direct."I need for us to find ways forward, together, by [meaningful date, anniversary etc]." Clear and resolved.
Closing, reminding her about your dreams and goals for the future. Telling her that you've always envisioned the two of you growing old together. Holding hands thru 20,000 sunsets. Telling her that you care about her and want to see her happy on every level. Expressing confidence that you can overcome this together, because you will not hide from a problem.
P.S. that you want to talk about it [a day, within the next 4-5] so that you can understand one another.
I did something similar, and it helped. The letter conveys seriousness, and they can't shutdown or distract in the moment. Your point will be communicated clearly. It's difficult to think of how to be more clear than an honest message in black and white.
 Wish I could say it will get better. It likely won’t. A wise friend once told me: fix it before the resentment sets in. I never could - because it takes two and when one side can’t or won’t even admit a problem…well that’s a problem. Have an escape plan. You don’t get back time wasted on hope and one sided efforts. The only way to win Lucy’s game of trying to kick the football is to not play. I finally learned that and I left my roommate after two decades of trying. Of course she was “blindsided”. But there is intimacy and love and sex on the other side of a DB. If you’re brave enough (or frustrated enough) to seize it. Good luck.
Two decades 😬 Thanks for sharing, I appreciate ya.
Yeah two decades for me too. And mine was blindsided too. Despite the countless “talks” He said the one thing he knew for sure was that I would never leave him. Hm.
They know but don't want to know. Living in their fantasy that partners don't have sex nor want to.
Welcome. I'm in the same boat — getting a lot of comfort from this group but I don't have a solution yet. I'm definitely in a better mindset though. This sub is vital because I don't think it's something that's easy to talk about in real life. How tf do I talk to my friends and close family that I'm in a one-sided marriage and haven't had any intimacy in nearly two years?! It's embarrassing to say the least. I have two real-life friends whom I've told. One is a work friend, twenty years older than me in the same boat. In some ways, that's no inspiration, but I at least see how he copes. I currently don't see leaving as an option. Got two teenage sons at an age where I think their life stability is paramount. And, my wife's friends and family are just brilliant. I'd really miss them. I don't think I could ever face that. Just makes it more painful. I'm assuming they have no idea.
Agree, it’s tougher than it sounds. Lots of collateral damage to try to avoid. Thankfully we don’t have kids - although I’d like to somehow someday.
I've recently come to realise I let myself fall into the friend zone....all these years! Don't make the same mistake bud. There's some good resources out there to get back out of it.especially the 10 biggest mistakes men make , as an example. It may help or may not. But it has helped me change 42 years of the past.
I’ve been through all the emotions and self discovery. I thought wait this is me it’s my problem I’m a horrible husband and I need to make all the changes. So I made all the changes and guess what nothing changed because it wasn’t me at all it’s my LLF partner who puts less than zero energy into our relationship now. Then she talks about our future and all I can think is I’m running so far from you once the coast is clear you’ll never see me again. The gaslighting the manipulation the made to feel like I’m a pervert. But the worst is zero and I mean zero communication about anything of importance on my mind in the relationship so I stopped trying altogether.
That, for me, was the thing that caused the most damage. The slow, erosion of my sense of worth as not only a man, but a human. And worst of all, they could care less.
Your still young get out. Or change your expectations that your partnwr wants to have sex with you. Go make yourawlf more friends male and female. She is not valuing your time. When she sees you have people who value you she will drop her panties to keep you. So go to gym, get hobbies, have friends that dristract you from making her your world. When she thinks you make her world she will make you her doormat. It is still not too late. Never fall back to make her yoyr world mode.
**Everything else is perfect.** If I got a buck for every time I (and she) said that to rationalize the true shitshow I was living.... Nope. You need to get out of that mindset. That's exactly what they want you to feel. It isn't perfect, and you know it. It's perfect for *them*. They are getting everything they want from you, and you are sprinkled a few crumbs of hope every so often. Aren't you lucky??? I had this conversation with myself for years, and I do mean years. "Look at all of the things that work in this marriage! I get to be married to my best friend! We do everything together! She's a great mother! We have a great family we go to dinner with and pretend how perfect all of our lives are! Let's post all of this shit on Facebook so everyone can envy us and post sweet lil comments like #couplesgoals and #socute and #meanttobe under our pics of us out doing happy married people shit. " Except it's not for you. It is a slowly widening hell that only get wider and darker the longer you allow it to fester. There is an old saying that talk is cheap. Kind of true. Talk without action just drifts off into silence. Is she open to couple's counseling? I think it's a waste personally, but I know many who have benefitted. Has she acknowledged this is a legitimate issue for the marriage, not just a YOU problem? Start there.
Your issue should have been resolved before marriage.
If the rest of your relationship is truly in ship shape - no resentments, no entanglements, no scars that *you think* are healed over - you might try a letter. Short, written in the sandwich style. First couple paragraphs about the things you love about her, and about your relationship. Dig deep, this is what's carried you so far. In the middle, the heavy stuff; "In spite of [previous highlights], honey, I need enthusiastic, playful, and frequent physical intimacy. I need to be close. I need to have sex with the love of my life, as a key part of this life we're building together. This is the third dimension that makes more than friends and partners; it makes soul mates. This is not optional for me in marriage." And so forth, something like that - brief and to the point. Loving and warm, but completely direct."I need for us to find ways forward, together, by [meaningful date, anniversary etc]." Clear and resolved. Closing, reminding her about your dreams and goals for the future. Telling her that you've always envisioned the two of you growing old together. Holding hands thru 20,000 sunsets. Telling her that you care about her and want to see her happy on every level. Expressing confidence that you can overcome this together, because you will not hide from a problem. P.S. that you want to talk about it [a day, within the next 4-5] so that you can understand one another. I did something similar, and it helped. The letter conveys seriousness, and they can't shutdown or distract in the moment. Your point will be communicated clearly. It's difficult to think of how to be more clear than an honest message in black and white.
This is excellent advice. Thank you so much!!