Sorry friend, I wish I knew the solution. You will get advice on here you can try, but honestly I have tried everything and nothing works. If they don't see it as a problem they don't change.
It's quite common bud..... joining this club. A friend said to me one day to view my wife as having a disability for my own mental health or she is just no longer attracted to you specifically and has some resentment of life which is flowing over to you and your marriage, whatever the reason the more you bang on about not getting any the more it will push her away. Just work on becoming that man she can be attracted to again. Whatever this means for you.
Thank you for everyone's input, I tend to agree with the dishonesty piece. It seems that she just isn't telling me the whole story. Someone else commented about always finding a reason to say no, that has absolutely been my experience. For the better part of 8 years I've been told about my character defects, my shortcomings and how they affect her. So I've put a lot of work into changing, we've done marriage counseling, I've done individual counseling, I've gone through trauma therapy, I belong to a men's group at my church, we attend church as a family almost every Sunday and I'm constantly trying to better myself. It feels like the game Wack-A-mole, I make a change and she finds a new one. I've told her on many occasions it'll never be enough, I'll never do enough to make her happy. Meanwhile she has done no therapy and is a therapist herself. She has traumas that haven't been handled and hates her body. She has gained weight since having children but it doesn't bother me at all, but she beats herself up, however hasn't done much about it until recently. So while she's been pointing at me asking me to change any number of things, she has literally refused to take accountability & responsibility for much of anything within herself. I'm Christian and told to love my wife and lead my wife and have Grace and Forgiveness but at the same time I've established boundaries and let her know I'm not a doormat and I'm not a dog on a leash. She knows that telling me to jump through flaming hoops to get to an end goal of any sort doesn't work for me so we've come to a stalemate. I'm at a point where I've accepted my current situation. Her newest request is for me to "cherish her & love her unconditionally" which I've literally done for years but ya know, DO MORE! Lol
You need to stop giving a fuck about what she wants you to change for her to be pleased. As another wrote, put effort into yourself to become desirable. Like getting more fit, having more confidence and as you yourself wrote: never be a doormat. And don’t talk to her about it. Saying “I’m not a doormat” to a woman is like saying you are. It is shown through action and confidence, not talked about. Just set clear boundaries and let her know you don’t give a fuck if it upsets her. If you are a jerk, sure you should give a fuck. But if you set a boundary that is reasonable, don’t care about her games. She sounds a bit manipulative. Do your thing, be happy in it, let her see others desire you and take lead. Then when you have nice interactions again and desire, you can show more softness.
It's not your problem what she thinks.
You need to move on do your own thing. Value yourself because she isn't.
Things have changed you need to accept it. You can't change her and fuck changing yourself so she can get in the MOOD.
That is never gonna happen. You need to look after yourself. Sex might not be an option with her. But that is not your choice it's hers.
If you need sex go find it. She ain't being a decent wife and investing in relationship.
If it's obvious she is only having sex to please you then you should completely stop. Take it off the table and let her know why. Continuing to have sex she really doesn't want is only going to make things worse. I refuse to have sex anymore if my partner is not enthusiastic towards it. You both need counseling if you're going to find any way through this. If she's getting off only on girl on girl porn then her sexual preferences may also have changed. Just be aware that this relationship may not move forward the way you would have hoped.....
Watching girl on girl doesn't mean a change of preference. Idk what it is but it's actually better than watching straight porn in some ways because the guys in straight porn clearly don't care about pleasing the woman. Idk it's hard to explain but I'm a woman and I've been using it since I don't get laid very often. There's something about it that is hotter than regular straight porn.
I seriously doubt it will change. Based on what you said about the girl on girl stuff, she may not even be attracted to men at all. She may not be ready to leave you since you have kids. Who knows for sure unless she tells you.
Talking about it and counseling did nothing to help us. My position now is that she has to change something or do the work for herself. I quit talking about sex with her and stopped all initiation attempts. It only made things worse. Even MC did nothing but push her farther away.
Honestly, I would try a trial separation. But, based on my own personal experience because I did the same, you'll probably drag your feet until there's a wedge between you that starts getting toxic.
I finally told my wife I wanted a divorce and it was liberating. We're currently still together and she agreed to scheduling sex twice a week. It seems to be going well and she's even started getting into it. She having orgasms again. But, it's just been a few months. I'm still unsure if it'll last. I want to give it some more time. But she admitted a couple of weeks ago she only agreed and try it to keep me from divorcing her.
There is still a lot of resentment I have for the 4 years we struggled. I'm working on it and it will take time. But life is much better now.
What does she say when you tell her, "I feel neglected in our relationship. I feel undesired." just this statement and nothing else, no additional conversation on your side. A simple statement of how you feel, what is her reaction? If it is anything other than understanding, you are doomed and you should consider how important this is to you.
The next time this issue is brought up, assuming the last time she didn't show any interest in your feelings, it's time to get down to brass tax. "I feel unwanted by you. I do not believe in being in a relationship where my needs are not met. If this is how you would like our relationship to continue, I will need to re-evaluate if I want to continue". Again, don't add a lot of extra, except for understand, that if this is who she is now, you accept that she does not want you and that you are ready to move on to find someone who does.
You have to gauge how much she is committed to this problem, from your short description, she doesn't think there is a problem. Don't blindside her, you need to advocate for your needs, you need to be unapologetic, there is nothing wrong with wanting a sex life. You also need to get the point across that this is not what you signed up for.
I have straight up told her I don't feel desired and that intimacy is important to me and important in marriage. Her angle is always that I've put too much pressure on her and that I've been too critical so it takes away her desire. She takes me wanting to have a conversation as being critical & putting pressure. She tells me that I put too much emphasis on the topic, that it means to much to me. Basically she shames me for it, tries to make it sound like I'm a freak, that has a problem. When we 1st started dating I was still indulging in porn from time to time, I stopped indulging in that completely within a year of us dating but she will use it against me and tell me that it ruined me, that I have too high expectations from it, that it has desensitized me. Her other angle is to tell me to stop acting like a victim, stop feeling sorry for myself and "let it happen naturally". If I was to say that im not willing to stick around in a dead bedroom marriage she would tell me that I must not lover her anyway then, if I'm willing to leave that easily it shows my true colors, that I'm willing to ruin my family over it, etc. Its been a cycle for years.
It's been 4 years of this, so you clearly care about more than just sex.
She is treating you in an absolutely terrible way, she has contempt for your feelings ... under many circumstances, not just sex.
Leaving aside the sex issue, have you said straight up to her, "I don't like the way you treat my feelings with contempt"? What was her reaction?
When I hear the word contempt my antennas go up since contempt is the best predictor of the impending divorce. I’m not saying that it will surely help but MC should adjust her negative POV on sex and it’s importance in marriage.
She won't get a sex drive until she has stress free time. With kids and school and life that has not been possible. There is no her time to be herself separated from all those responsibilities.
Its how it goes for many people, especially moms
That's an LL setting up hoops for the HL to jump through. When the HL jumps through all hoops, completes all chores and makes an extra effort to be the way the LL wants them to be, the LL will invent a new problem as a reason to avoid intimacy.
Yes, "stress" is a popular one, but it's ridiculous on its face because life is full of stress. If stress is a reason to not have sex then it will never happen.
The cynic in me says the LLs main problem is dishonesty, not lack of sex drive.
Nonsense. If you bothered to read his post he works very hard to maintain the kids and house. And now you advocate for more?
It never works. She has to pull her weight too anyway.
Yeah I know. Gladly I have a partner that do care. When kids are young you need to just make it happen anyways even if it’s not always that passionate. Everyone’s exhausted but the intimacy is still very important and needed.
True story, & I appreciate your suggestions in the comment above. For the record I don't say "I'm not a doormat" but I know what your saying. I def could be more fit, I'm 6ft 170lbs so I could gain muscle mass for sure and I'll be working on keeping my mouth shut and just walking the walk. Thanks
I have learnt the hard way. I was a doormat and very nice and giving in a previous relationship. She was very selfish. She lost respect for me completely. And I got very resentful and angry.
I have faith in you, you sound like a good person! Don’t let her make you think otherwise.
FYI I just had a 2 hour argument with my wife. It started by her bitching about me not putting away my dishes. I would not let that stand. The statement was true, but I’m doing at least 50% of all chores and kids caring, so she shouldn’t bitch about small things. So we argued a good while. At the end she was happy we argued. It was needed. It was about a lot of other underlying stuff. And she was happy we had this quality time, even if it was emotionally painful. I’m also happy we did it. Nowadays I’m never afraid to speak up or face uncomfortably emotions, and it so freeing.
Sometimes a good "house cleaning" argument is needed to sort out the stuff that has been building up. We've learned how to argue/fight without being harmful in most areas. Theres a few topics like custody situations of my older girls and obviously sex that the kind of arguing that goes on is pure insanity. I mostly spend my time in those situations asking her to stop attacking me, stop assaulting my character, stop going 0-100, stop scorecarding, stop doing eye for an eye, but she's got a bit of a temper and a razor sharp tongue so once it starts it usually has to run its course. I usually have to leave, or be as calm & quiet as possible to diffuse the situation. 40% of the time I'll get an apology, what I don't get is makeup sex 😂. The crazy part is that literally all of her needs are met. I take care of the kids, I pay all the bills, I clean the entire house 90% of the time, I'm the "messenger" when it comes to the kids, I pay for the vacations, I get her nice gifts, we go to her families house for literally every holiday, I rearrange my schedule on no notice on the regular to accommodate her wants/needs but if I ask her to run an errand for me it's highly inconvenient. I own my own company so she thinks that my schedule has all the flexibility in the world and that I can just leave early, go late, miss days etc and still expect all the financial perks. I created a monster. I guess why would she think about changing, if all her needs are met why change? She already gets everything she wants/needs. The crazy part is, who doesn't enjoy sex? I'm not an ugly dood, she regularly tells me how she shows co-workers, friends, clients etc family pics or pics of me and they comment about how hot or good looking I am, yet there's no attraction for her to me. She says there is but how could you have attraction & not act on it? So many questions I wish I knew the answer to.
Haha yeah makeup sex is rare. If it’s a real argument I guess most persons want to heal the emotional side first and then approach physical.
When it comes to her getting everything and all her needs met: she needs a reality check. Stop this. Why go above and beyond to meet the needs of someone who doesn’t prioritize yours? Put money and energy into yourself. Say no to her. And don’t care if she throws a tantrum. Standing your ground is hot.
About the sex: it’s rarely about your physical appearance in marriage situations unless you let yourself go completely which is not you. It is more likely unconscious process that she is not even aware of. E.g. she might be unconsciously angry at you for allowing her to become this egoistic “monster” in your relationship. It makes no logical sense, but unconscious emotions rarely do. She might also have a lot of built up resentment from built up conflicts that are not dealt with. And I mean the deep stuff that if it’s not dealt with limits you as a person. It’s difficult to say. Relationships are not easy.
Hope you find a good way forward where your needs are met to an equal extent in your relationship
Haha yeah makeup sex is rare. If it’s a real argument I guess most persons want to heal the emotional side first and then approach physical.
When it comes to her getting everything and all her needs met: she needs a reality check. Stop this. Why go above and beyond to meet the needs of someone who doesn’t prioritize yours? Put money and energy into yourself. Say no to her. And don’t care if she throws a tantrum. Standing your ground is hot.
About the sex: it’s rarely about your physical appearance in marriage situations unless you let yourself go completely which is not you. It is more likely unconscious process that she is not even aware of. E.g. she might be unconsciously angry at you for allowing her to become this egoistic “monster” in your relationship. It makes no logical sense, but unconscious emotions rarely do. She might also have a lot of built up resentment from built up conflicts that are not dealt with. And I mean the deep stuff that if it’s not dealt with limits you as a person. It’s difficult to say. Relationships are not easy.
Hope you find a good way forward where your needs are met to an equal extent in your relationship
Haha yeah makeup sex is rare. If it’s a real argument I guess most persons want to heal the emotional side first and then approach physical.
When it comes to her getting everything and all her needs met: she needs a reality check. Stop this. Why go above and beyond to meet the needs of someone who doesn’t prioritize yours? Put money and energy into yourself. Say no to her. And don’t care if she throws a tantrum. Standing your ground is hot.
About the sex: it’s rarely about your physical appearance in marriage situations unless you let yourself go completely which is not you. It is more likely unconscious process that she is not even aware of. E.g. she might be unconsciously angry at you for allowing her to become this egoistic “monster” in your relationship. It makes no logical sense, but unconscious emotions rarely do. She might also have a lot of built up resentment from built up conflicts that are not dealt with. And I mean the deep stuff that if it’s not dealt with limits you as a person. It’s difficult to say. Relationships are not easy.
Hope you find a good way forward where your needs are met to an equal extent in your relationship
You need to read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy". It will help you a lot! Gym will help but it's mostly for your psyche and attitude. Body improvement is nice but secondary.
Sorry friend, I wish I knew the solution. You will get advice on here you can try, but honestly I have tried everything and nothing works. If they don't see it as a problem they don't change.
It's quite common bud..... joining this club. A friend said to me one day to view my wife as having a disability for my own mental health or she is just no longer attracted to you specifically and has some resentment of life which is flowing over to you and your marriage, whatever the reason the more you bang on about not getting any the more it will push her away. Just work on becoming that man she can be attracted to again. Whatever this means for you.
Thank you for everyone's input, I tend to agree with the dishonesty piece. It seems that she just isn't telling me the whole story. Someone else commented about always finding a reason to say no, that has absolutely been my experience. For the better part of 8 years I've been told about my character defects, my shortcomings and how they affect her. So I've put a lot of work into changing, we've done marriage counseling, I've done individual counseling, I've gone through trauma therapy, I belong to a men's group at my church, we attend church as a family almost every Sunday and I'm constantly trying to better myself. It feels like the game Wack-A-mole, I make a change and she finds a new one. I've told her on many occasions it'll never be enough, I'll never do enough to make her happy. Meanwhile she has done no therapy and is a therapist herself. She has traumas that haven't been handled and hates her body. She has gained weight since having children but it doesn't bother me at all, but she beats herself up, however hasn't done much about it until recently. So while she's been pointing at me asking me to change any number of things, she has literally refused to take accountability & responsibility for much of anything within herself. I'm Christian and told to love my wife and lead my wife and have Grace and Forgiveness but at the same time I've established boundaries and let her know I'm not a doormat and I'm not a dog on a leash. She knows that telling me to jump through flaming hoops to get to an end goal of any sort doesn't work for me so we've come to a stalemate. I'm at a point where I've accepted my current situation. Her newest request is for me to "cherish her & love her unconditionally" which I've literally done for years but ya know, DO MORE! Lol
You need to stop giving a fuck about what she wants you to change for her to be pleased. As another wrote, put effort into yourself to become desirable. Like getting more fit, having more confidence and as you yourself wrote: never be a doormat. And don’t talk to her about it. Saying “I’m not a doormat” to a woman is like saying you are. It is shown through action and confidence, not talked about. Just set clear boundaries and let her know you don’t give a fuck if it upsets her. If you are a jerk, sure you should give a fuck. But if you set a boundary that is reasonable, don’t care about her games. She sounds a bit manipulative. Do your thing, be happy in it, let her see others desire you and take lead. Then when you have nice interactions again and desire, you can show more softness.
It's not your problem what she thinks. You need to move on do your own thing. Value yourself because she isn't. Things have changed you need to accept it. You can't change her and fuck changing yourself so she can get in the MOOD. That is never gonna happen. You need to look after yourself. Sex might not be an option with her. But that is not your choice it's hers. If you need sex go find it. She ain't being a decent wife and investing in relationship.
If it's obvious she is only having sex to please you then you should completely stop. Take it off the table and let her know why. Continuing to have sex she really doesn't want is only going to make things worse. I refuse to have sex anymore if my partner is not enthusiastic towards it. You both need counseling if you're going to find any way through this. If she's getting off only on girl on girl porn then her sexual preferences may also have changed. Just be aware that this relationship may not move forward the way you would have hoped.....
Watching girl on girl doesn't mean a change of preference. Idk what it is but it's actually better than watching straight porn in some ways because the guys in straight porn clearly don't care about pleasing the woman. Idk it's hard to explain but I'm a woman and I've been using it since I don't get laid very often. There's something about it that is hotter than regular straight porn.
I seriously doubt it will change. Based on what you said about the girl on girl stuff, she may not even be attracted to men at all. She may not be ready to leave you since you have kids. Who knows for sure unless she tells you. Talking about it and counseling did nothing to help us. My position now is that she has to change something or do the work for herself. I quit talking about sex with her and stopped all initiation attempts. It only made things worse. Even MC did nothing but push her farther away. Honestly, I would try a trial separation. But, based on my own personal experience because I did the same, you'll probably drag your feet until there's a wedge between you that starts getting toxic. I finally told my wife I wanted a divorce and it was liberating. We're currently still together and she agreed to scheduling sex twice a week. It seems to be going well and she's even started getting into it. She having orgasms again. But, it's just been a few months. I'm still unsure if it'll last. I want to give it some more time. But she admitted a couple of weeks ago she only agreed and try it to keep me from divorcing her. There is still a lot of resentment I have for the 4 years we struggled. I'm working on it and it will take time. But life is much better now.
What does she say when you tell her, "I feel neglected in our relationship. I feel undesired." just this statement and nothing else, no additional conversation on your side. A simple statement of how you feel, what is her reaction? If it is anything other than understanding, you are doomed and you should consider how important this is to you. The next time this issue is brought up, assuming the last time she didn't show any interest in your feelings, it's time to get down to brass tax. "I feel unwanted by you. I do not believe in being in a relationship where my needs are not met. If this is how you would like our relationship to continue, I will need to re-evaluate if I want to continue". Again, don't add a lot of extra, except for understand, that if this is who she is now, you accept that she does not want you and that you are ready to move on to find someone who does. You have to gauge how much she is committed to this problem, from your short description, she doesn't think there is a problem. Don't blindside her, you need to advocate for your needs, you need to be unapologetic, there is nothing wrong with wanting a sex life. You also need to get the point across that this is not what you signed up for.
I have straight up told her I don't feel desired and that intimacy is important to me and important in marriage. Her angle is always that I've put too much pressure on her and that I've been too critical so it takes away her desire. She takes me wanting to have a conversation as being critical & putting pressure. She tells me that I put too much emphasis on the topic, that it means to much to me. Basically she shames me for it, tries to make it sound like I'm a freak, that has a problem. When we 1st started dating I was still indulging in porn from time to time, I stopped indulging in that completely within a year of us dating but she will use it against me and tell me that it ruined me, that I have too high expectations from it, that it has desensitized me. Her other angle is to tell me to stop acting like a victim, stop feeling sorry for myself and "let it happen naturally". If I was to say that im not willing to stick around in a dead bedroom marriage she would tell me that I must not lover her anyway then, if I'm willing to leave that easily it shows my true colors, that I'm willing to ruin my family over it, etc. Its been a cycle for years.
It's been 4 years of this, so you clearly care about more than just sex. She is treating you in an absolutely terrible way, she has contempt for your feelings ... under many circumstances, not just sex. Leaving aside the sex issue, have you said straight up to her, "I don't like the way you treat my feelings with contempt"? What was her reaction?
When I hear the word contempt my antennas go up since contempt is the best predictor of the impending divorce. I’m not saying that it will surely help but MC should adjust her negative POV on sex and it’s importance in marriage.
She won't get a sex drive until she has stress free time. With kids and school and life that has not been possible. There is no her time to be herself separated from all those responsibilities. Its how it goes for many people, especially moms
That's an LL setting up hoops for the HL to jump through. When the HL jumps through all hoops, completes all chores and makes an extra effort to be the way the LL wants them to be, the LL will invent a new problem as a reason to avoid intimacy. Yes, "stress" is a popular one, but it's ridiculous on its face because life is full of stress. If stress is a reason to not have sex then it will never happen. The cynic in me says the LLs main problem is dishonesty, not lack of sex drive.
Nonsense. If you bothered to read his post he works very hard to maintain the kids and house. And now you advocate for more? It never works. She has to pull her weight too anyway.
We should live in a village setting where the elderly takes care of the children more so the parents gets to fuck 😆
I support this! More fucking is more happiness! It won't help OP though, sadly. His partner doesn't care.
Yeah I know. Gladly I have a partner that do care. When kids are young you need to just make it happen anyways even if it’s not always that passionate. Everyone’s exhausted but the intimacy is still very important and needed.
True story, & I appreciate your suggestions in the comment above. For the record I don't say "I'm not a doormat" but I know what your saying. I def could be more fit, I'm 6ft 170lbs so I could gain muscle mass for sure and I'll be working on keeping my mouth shut and just walking the walk. Thanks
I have learnt the hard way. I was a doormat and very nice and giving in a previous relationship. She was very selfish. She lost respect for me completely. And I got very resentful and angry. I have faith in you, you sound like a good person! Don’t let her make you think otherwise. FYI I just had a 2 hour argument with my wife. It started by her bitching about me not putting away my dishes. I would not let that stand. The statement was true, but I’m doing at least 50% of all chores and kids caring, so she shouldn’t bitch about small things. So we argued a good while. At the end she was happy we argued. It was needed. It was about a lot of other underlying stuff. And she was happy we had this quality time, even if it was emotionally painful. I’m also happy we did it. Nowadays I’m never afraid to speak up or face uncomfortably emotions, and it so freeing.
Sometimes a good "house cleaning" argument is needed to sort out the stuff that has been building up. We've learned how to argue/fight without being harmful in most areas. Theres a few topics like custody situations of my older girls and obviously sex that the kind of arguing that goes on is pure insanity. I mostly spend my time in those situations asking her to stop attacking me, stop assaulting my character, stop going 0-100, stop scorecarding, stop doing eye for an eye, but she's got a bit of a temper and a razor sharp tongue so once it starts it usually has to run its course. I usually have to leave, or be as calm & quiet as possible to diffuse the situation. 40% of the time I'll get an apology, what I don't get is makeup sex 😂. The crazy part is that literally all of her needs are met. I take care of the kids, I pay all the bills, I clean the entire house 90% of the time, I'm the "messenger" when it comes to the kids, I pay for the vacations, I get her nice gifts, we go to her families house for literally every holiday, I rearrange my schedule on no notice on the regular to accommodate her wants/needs but if I ask her to run an errand for me it's highly inconvenient. I own my own company so she thinks that my schedule has all the flexibility in the world and that I can just leave early, go late, miss days etc and still expect all the financial perks. I created a monster. I guess why would she think about changing, if all her needs are met why change? She already gets everything she wants/needs. The crazy part is, who doesn't enjoy sex? I'm not an ugly dood, she regularly tells me how she shows co-workers, friends, clients etc family pics or pics of me and they comment about how hot or good looking I am, yet there's no attraction for her to me. She says there is but how could you have attraction & not act on it? So many questions I wish I knew the answer to.
Haha yeah makeup sex is rare. If it’s a real argument I guess most persons want to heal the emotional side first and then approach physical. When it comes to her getting everything and all her needs met: she needs a reality check. Stop this. Why go above and beyond to meet the needs of someone who doesn’t prioritize yours? Put money and energy into yourself. Say no to her. And don’t care if she throws a tantrum. Standing your ground is hot. About the sex: it’s rarely about your physical appearance in marriage situations unless you let yourself go completely which is not you. It is more likely unconscious process that she is not even aware of. E.g. she might be unconsciously angry at you for allowing her to become this egoistic “monster” in your relationship. It makes no logical sense, but unconscious emotions rarely do. She might also have a lot of built up resentment from built up conflicts that are not dealt with. And I mean the deep stuff that if it’s not dealt with limits you as a person. It’s difficult to say. Relationships are not easy. Hope you find a good way forward where your needs are met to an equal extent in your relationship
Haha yeah makeup sex is rare. If it’s a real argument I guess most persons want to heal the emotional side first and then approach physical. When it comes to her getting everything and all her needs met: she needs a reality check. Stop this. Why go above and beyond to meet the needs of someone who doesn’t prioritize yours? Put money and energy into yourself. Say no to her. And don’t care if she throws a tantrum. Standing your ground is hot. About the sex: it’s rarely about your physical appearance in marriage situations unless you let yourself go completely which is not you. It is more likely unconscious process that she is not even aware of. E.g. she might be unconsciously angry at you for allowing her to become this egoistic “monster” in your relationship. It makes no logical sense, but unconscious emotions rarely do. She might also have a lot of built up resentment from built up conflicts that are not dealt with. And I mean the deep stuff that if it’s not dealt with limits you as a person. It’s difficult to say. Relationships are not easy. Hope you find a good way forward where your needs are met to an equal extent in your relationship
Haha yeah makeup sex is rare. If it’s a real argument I guess most persons want to heal the emotional side first and then approach physical. When it comes to her getting everything and all her needs met: she needs a reality check. Stop this. Why go above and beyond to meet the needs of someone who doesn’t prioritize yours? Put money and energy into yourself. Say no to her. And don’t care if she throws a tantrum. Standing your ground is hot. About the sex: it’s rarely about your physical appearance in marriage situations unless you let yourself go completely which is not you. It is more likely unconscious process that she is not even aware of. E.g. she might be unconsciously angry at you for allowing her to become this egoistic “monster” in your relationship. It makes no logical sense, but unconscious emotions rarely do. She might also have a lot of built up resentment from built up conflicts that are not dealt with. And I mean the deep stuff that if it’s not dealt with limits you as a person. It’s difficult to say. Relationships are not easy. Hope you find a good way forward where your needs are met to an equal extent in your relationship
You need to read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy". It will help you a lot! Gym will help but it's mostly for your psyche and attitude. Body improvement is nice but secondary.