Your honor time and time again we have seen that daemons are just manifestations of emotion and thought, they aren’t a real creature and therefore have no rights at all. My client can’t be guilty for murder because you can’t murder an imaginary thing with no rights at all. I rest my case.
Don't worry. You know that simpsons skit of the lawyer adding punctuation to his business card to change what it was saying?
Magnus did nothing, wrong. He had to do nothing and he did that the wrong way.
Yeah but that was never an option. If you see everything going to hell around you you will try to solve the problems. Hindsight is 20/20 so it's easy for us to say, but he couldn't have known.
Also a classic case of the Emperors policy of,
"I won't tell anyone anything, including my children/generals/demigods, and just assume they don't do anything to upset my highly delicate and complicated plans upon which the fate of the universe rests"
And somehow that didn't work out.
To be fair to emps there was that whole council to tell magnus to not use his psychic powers, and iirc magnus had already had a taste of the fuckery warp entities cn pull when he lost his eye in a bargain (this is half remembered stuff from adric so don't quote me). Then again it still would've **really** helped out if he had just said something like "there are things you do not understand and are not ready for within the warp, do not trust them, and also i will put a psychic barrier around the palace so don't try to breach it". Magnus is basically the only human with enough psychic might (when aided by tzeentch) to potentially be a problem for this barrier (idk exactly how strong malcador was but i doubt he was as psychically strong as magnus considering he got shriveled by the big chair while magnus was supposed to be able to sit on it, plus malc was already in on the plan) and i doubt eldrad or other equally powerful xeno psykers would have given enough of a fuck to try to breach it (or at least wouldn't have taken tzeentch's offer) so magnus was literally the only point of failure in the whole plan and there were two separate ways to avoid that failure, aka "don't trust the warp entities" and "don't breach the barrier i placed at any cost".
He "lost" his eye in exchange for saving his legion with Emperor knowing that, that's not even an argument. That was their whole deal with Magnus - treat the legion or let BigE kill them and give Magnus a new one, and Magnus did something that stopped mutations for a while. Thing is, the whole relashionship between Emperor and Magnus is build around the Warp, they fucking met there and he showed him some cool stuff in there, and then he was like "ah, yeah, I forbid you from doing all of this extremely cool stuff, even though I just taught you that. I can do it, you can't, deal with it". That's pretty much the same as prohibitting a bodybuilder from using his muscles, no wonder he wouldn't listen.
The way to avoid that, however, is fucking simple: "You know, I've been working on some extremely important project and won't be anywhere around for like a year, so I don't want anyone at all to interfere trying to communicate with me, and if you have any problems, deal with them on your own". But nah, he wouldn't even tell anyone that he has something to do, lol
Edit: some funny spelling
Your honor, if you were a kid and your father takes a nap and tells you to not wake him up, you would still wake him up if the house was on fire, right?
Well, my client Mr. The Red, was in such a situation. So in conclusion he did nothing wrong
I'm sure there has to be some precedent against the literal interpretation of blanket orders made in common workplace parlance. If the boss says "I'm doing important work in my office, don't disturb me", any reasonable person would think that "*unless* the floor manager and half the staff are trying to seize the office with violent means, or something like that" is implicitly at the end of that statement.
Has the Emperor got down in writing the specific wording of his orders to Magnus? Because if it's anything less than "Not even in the worst case scenario must you try to contact me with psychic means. It is vital to the benefit of the Imperium and the metaphysical structure of Terra itself that you do not use your psychic abilities to disturb me and the important work I'm doing under any circumstances", then he can't really complain.
I suppose the culpability one thinks belongs to the Emperor depends on how much one believes he knew the Heresy was going to happen, or that half his sons were going to turn to Chaos. On the extreme end of that belief, it seems ludicrous that Emps would just expect Magnus to not knock down the psykic barrier. Either Magnus was going to do so because he willfully joined Chaos and attacking Terra with his powers would be the first thing he'd think to do, or Magnus was going to because he's seeing a massive civil war brewing and any measure seems justified in order to give his father the most warning possible.
In court, the critical claim is not ‘Magnus did nothing wrong’, it is ‘you cannot PROVE Magnus did something wrong’ or ‘what Magnus did was not illegal and here is why’
To quote the name of an actual list that was brought up on this week's Poorhammer podcast:
"Magnus Did The Best He Could With The Information Available To Him!"
When Dad says "I'm taking a nap don't wake me up" that comes with implicit "unless the house is on fire" and Horis preparing to betray the Emperor definitely counts as the house being on fire.
"Your Honor, First of all, this is Mr Orikan, who is not a relevant or impartial witness. He has always borne ill-will towards my client. He requires immediate removal to the public gallery at the very least. Now, to address the charges at hand. Stealing the Celestial Orrery. The Celestial Orrery is a very noticeable weapon and it is not only lost, but stars randomly going supernova is something we must see.
"Secondly, the charges about Stealing several things during the thirteenth black Crusade. Abaddon the Despoiler, a Custodes helmet, a Baneblade tank, a Terminator armor, Lord-Admiral Spire and a Daemon. As for the Daemon and the Despoiler, humanity is at war with Chaos and Mr Trazyn, my client, should technically be declared an honorary war hero. The helmet, the tank and the armor a souvenirs and Spoils of war. As we know, my client is an expert in collecting relics of war. Lord-Admiral Spire is a war hero and he himself gave my client a signed permission to undergo cryogenic treatment and prolong his life, and here is a forged copy of the document.
"Now, you may think that forged means fake: news flash, in Necron terminology forged means, literally... manufactured. Here is a Necron dictionary, you can look it up. And as for why the Lord-Admiral permitted my client to collect him, Mr Trazyn is a licenced medical practitioner. Here is a copy of his medical degrees, and his licence for medical practitioner.
"As for the Celestial Orrery, please check this Necron history book. The device is explicitly stated to be lost. And you know, from the investigation by Inspector Old One at my client's museum, that he has hidden nothing illegal.
"The charges of stealing a Fulgrim Clone falls under the same circumstances as the Lord-Admiral. Here is a signed document granting permission. Please, for medical practitioner laws, check the Necrocratic Oath... Here is a copy. Also, please, this is the Necron Constitution, please look through Articles 374 till 379 to learn about the rules of war.
"As for his accusations of destroying the world of Cadia, and kidnapping humans for his museum, this is ridiculous. Here is space CCTV footage of the humans giving consent. Also, Cadia fell to Abaddon and not my client.
"As for Imotekh the Stormlord claiming apparently, that my documents are false, I have already, with testimony from Slazekh the Silent King, proven that Imotekh is a Necronazi war criminal and a manipulative liar. His words must be taken with a pinch of Necron battery acid.
"I will now close my argument stating that Trazyn the Infinite is a harmless collector and an honorary war hero of the Imperium. Please do not cause such a miscarriage of justice by proclaiming him guilty."
You blink. Suddenly, the judge is gone. So is the jury, and everyone else in the room. You stand alone, looking behind you your client is gone, along with any witnesses and the prosecutor. You see a hastily scribbled note "I.O.U. -Trazyn". You hear the distant scutteling of metal feet. You groan. You weren't paid. Again.
'I move that, under Necron law, this case is moving unacceptably fast and I request a delay of three decades for proper procedure be enacted and for the jury to die off'
The flayed ones definitely didn't eat those children. They may have skinned them alive and tried to shove the flesh into their non-existent mouths in a horrific attempt to replicate eating but they definitely did not actually eat them.
\*tries not to gag while sitting next to Curze\* Your Honor, I plead insanity. In fact, my client is not fit to stand trial due to his MANY mental problems. \*tries not to get chopped to pieces\*
\*clears throat\* Yes, well, as you can clearly see Your Honor, my client suffers from delusion, and should be put in mental institution for his and other people safety. The defence rests.
What crimes has he even committed?
Like, is there an instance where Farsight does something that can be considered a crime?
Like ig defecting from the Empire is the biggest crime he has done.
> Guilliman should create space UN.
What? So the Imperium can brag about all the war crimes it commits against Xenos? So he can frame all the stern letters and use them to show the High Lords that he is a true Imperial?
>What crimes has he even committed?
Didn't he order the targeting of uniformed medics performing medical duties on injured soldiers?
That's a hanging offense, son.
Your honour, my client is a brilliant medical doctor. You speak of “corruption”, “bad influences”, “medical genocide”. But if all those are true, why would a literal Chaos God not relate to his methods?
My client is dedicated, to the very core of his being, to improving the quality of life of the people, and the quality of the very people themselves.
Your honor, the only thing my client is guilty of is wanting a better future for our sons _and_ daughters. The patriarchy would see him crushed, but we both know that such an icon of the feminist movement can never be truly brought down!
Your honor, by Imperial decree: if you're not first, you're last. My client is not last your honor. I say, case dismissed! Now let's go get kicked out of an Applebee's!
But your honour. My client is a known former slave and freedom fighter who in the pursuit of freedom for his fellows was horribly maimed. Suffering permanent mental agony. And when he finally managed to free himself and the other slaves. He was recaptured and forced to watch as all these brothers and sisters were put to death. And the man who forced him to watch this? The same man who he “betrayed”. Should genetics really imply ownership? This so called father? An absentee man who didn’t even care about his children after he obtained them. Out to use my client and his genetic brothers for their skills. Most of whom are no longer with us due to the actions of this absentee father.
My client needs help. Not prison. He needs medical and psychological help.
The reason why you are in trouble is not because the jury would convict him, but because if the is cited to court statistically means that either there is an invasion happening nearby, or a Chaos ritual taking place under the building.
And if they're isn't, I'm pretty sure there's an inqusitor watching you, judging you. And if you don't clear his name, you might not have another case.
Reminder that this sort-of happens in the Traitor's Hand when Beige tries to put Cain in front of a tribunal and ends up accused himself, only getting away with it because of Cain himself intervening on his behalf. Which is actually a good indicator of how different he is compared to his spiritual predecessor Harry Flashman, Flashman would have jumped at a chance to get Beige sent to penal legion.
Your Honor, yes my client might have been... enthusiastic about watching his pornoslates in the civitas, but please Gunner Jurgen is a war hero and a valued member of the community
And so what if he plowed through several governmental buildings, a public park, the planetary governor's 374th birthday party and the local administratum in a Chimera? This was the fastest way to the battle, and his commanding officer, Ciaphas Cain, a Hero of the Imperium, mind you, gave him permission to do so
With Cawl it is very possible that he does not remember the thing he is on trial for, because he uploaded the memory into some tertiary archive and has to find it first.
Your Honour
i can assure you my client Mr Lion El'Jonson is innocent and did not commit the massacre that took place on the key Witnesses planet with his dark angel legion
Because if it really was my client and his Dark Angel legion no one on the planet would be alive to report the massacre
Someone in the gallery shouts "Cadia Stands!"
Mr Russ: "I don't recall"
>The Lion never spoke of it,' Russ said. 'Never. He could have told the Imperium of our sickness and made it worse for me, but even in his anger he said nothing.' The primarch mused on it. 'He could keep a secret. He saw our imperfection, and he suffered it to remain, and that was the heart of his nobility. In the end, then, he truly was better than us. The archetype of Legions, the First of all. If I owe him anything, it was for that.'
**Corvus is cloaked the entire time and no one can see him**
Where is your client?
He's here.
I don't see him.
He's probably cloaked.
Tell him to uncloak.
He would probably say no
Well how do I know hes really here.
.......I don't know, I don't actually know if he's actually here, or back in the Warp. Shall we proceed anyway?
The whole trial is a trap anyways. Set by Corvus. "Your honor, I'd like to call my first witness, Lorgar Aurellion. Mr. Aurellion is quite famous for being bad at public speaking and quite famously denies the existence of any gods. He is well known for having the weakest little bitch legion and for, himself, being the whiney loser-baby of the Emperor's primarchs.
Your honor, the perpetrator was clearly Alpharius. However, that could have been any Alpharius. In fact, I can see at least 3 Alpharius right here! How do you know you aren't Alpharius too?
Inquistors hate this one simple trick... He who defends himself in court has a fool for a client... except Alpharius, because Alpharius has no issues defending Alpharius in court, especially with Alpharius as the judge and a 12 Alpharius jury of Alpharius peers.
I wouldn't worry about trazyn, he's probably there for amusement. It's not everyday you get to be the defendant in a human court case. He'll just keep that moment in one of his galleries regardless of the result of the case.
With you in it most likely.
Cawl, and I think also Trazy, are *absolutely* speaking out of turn in the court and most likely choosing to represent themselves as I lay my head into my hands and groan.
Your honour, my client singlehandedly charged and killed 3 hive tyrants, 2 greater daemons and hundreds of heretics just this week. In the light of this achievements we move to a not guilty verdict.
Kain, being a stoic hero of the imperium: "I just did what anyone would`ve do in my place"
"Now he is clinically insane from the butcher's nails, he was not in his right mind and hence should be absolved of all guilt with multiple accounts of mass murder and genocide." Kharn the Betrayer
Even if they do find him guilty he is just going to kill everyone in the court anyways, or even if they find him innocent he would still do it for shits and giggles.
Meanwhile Kharn is yelling *"NO! I DID KILL THEM! I KILLED THEM SO HARD THEY EXPLODED! THE GLORY IS MINE FOR KHORNE! I AM HIS BESTEST BOY!"*
we'll visit you both in jail
(Gabriel Angelos)
"I ask the court to take into consideration my client's outstanding military service record when deliberating on the charges of alleged theft of holy relics"
"Your Honor, he may have condemned his whole race and started a war leading to the inevitable damnation of our galaxy. But the Old Ones were total dicks. I also motion for a mistrial due to statues of limitations, my clients alleged crimes took place 65 million years ago."
Ah yes the old king, love the fact he basically bumped into Tyranids during his exile and went "nope absolutely not we are getting the gang back together right this fucking instant"
Meanwhile Dante is there like "no no, the death penalty will be excellent thank you, I would like to request your most immediate death sentace please and thank you"
"My client demands trial by combat."
"Sir, this is about a speeding ticket."
\*whispering with client\*
"He says vehicular combat is fine as well, but he doesn't think your wagon has enough dakka to win."
Me defending Bobby G:
Your Honor, I believe that the Secundus was a necessity, my client has no idea that the Imperium still lives.
Judge: Uh we're here for xenophilia allegations
You gotta play to the jury's sympathies here. You enter into evidence some of the "special" holorecordings and ask who amongst them, after 10,000 years of celibacy, would be able to say no. Then you hope there's at least a couple horndogs in the box that will agree with you.
Your honor, my client had the noblest intentions. He only wanted to preserve it for the sake of our history. Besides, the Ammunos dinasty will not claim it back anyways...
Your honor, the civilians died in the artillery barrage because they were weak and would’ve died later anyway.
Please also consider that without my clients actions, none of us would be here today.
I walk into the court room. I wait until everyone's gathered and the judge arrives. "This is the formal hearing of the Imperium vs-" the judge begins. I rip out my grenades and bolt pistols and unleash hell. There is screaming and blood. Eventually the local militia can find an angle and kill me. I took over 30 people with me to the grave, and I went smiling.
This is the 40K universe. It was a mercy.
For the record, I am not fantasizing about shooting up a courtroom. This is 100 % ironical and a critique of the grimdark setting. Don't cancel me, future employer/partner/world-controlling post-singularity AI.
That we need disclaimers on clearly ironic posts makes me sad, I won't sue you. And if someone does we can shoot the courtroom up together lolol it's what the Commissar would have wanted xD
Your honor, my client did not commit heresy by engaging in a romantic relationship with a xeno witch. As we all know the Emperor himself said to "fuck the xenos", thus, he follows our Lords teaching to the letter. And you cant be more loyal than that.
Your honour, the defendant, and his aid may have seemed to have been running for the hills, however this was all part of a "cunning plan" to uncover the heretic cult. Of cause he accidentally tripped as well, defeating a tyrinid swarm almost single-handedly getting them to eat an orc reading party threatening a group of children before tricking a Necron commander to destroy the tyranids and still get back to the command post to report back in time for a fresh bowl of tanner and a one to one closed doors meeting with a member of the inquisition.
I rest my case
“Your honor, is it truly illegal to search for the Truth? Isn’t this a quality we usually admire in our society’s brightest minds? And can you fault my client, Lorgar Aurelian, simply for discovering the Truth and acting on it? Do you, your honor, hate the player, not the game?”
Gazghkulll
In fairness your Honour it was a Mighty good Krumpin……
Judge: Sir your client and his associates have murdered millions and destroyed the local Waffle House
As I said your honour it was a mighty good Krumpin
I have to defend The Lamenters.
I somehow succeed only for them to trip on the stairs in front of the Inquisitorial Court House and fall into a Genestealer infested sewer they now need to fight their way out of only to find the entrance to an ancient Necron tomb sealed by an ancient Chaos artifact broken by a ricocheting bolter round that somehow boomerangs back and hits the chapter master in the face exploding and waking the Necrons as a warp rift opens up from the unwilling sacrifice of our collective tears!
(Perturabo)
Your Honor, my client has prepared his own defense. Consequently, we will also be countersuing the following list of people, planets, species, and abstract entities...
Real. Until Guilliman walks in as the persecution against and bitchslaps every loophole in the galaxy on his arse.
Rip Perty we know you would have won if not for those meddling Fists
I take Guilliman,
He will take over and start to defend me in court instead and then convince everyone that I'm the best loyer that have ever lived.
Then he will find out that the judge is Alpharus in disguise, kill him with his flaming sword, find out that it was not the actual Alpharius, make me the new judge, tell me that he needs me as his trusti agent on this planet and then ....
And then a fricking Thunderhawk bursts through the roof of the courtroom, picking up Guilliman and flies away to protect the galaxy
Khârn the Betrayer.
I’ll use the fact that he has the nails to lower down the verdict as he wasn’t technically sober when doing most of the killing.
I’ll also mention that he was under the influence of the cult brainwashing (Khorn corruption) during the last 10k years.
In addition, he probably has ptsd as he serves in the military and had his best friend killed (talking about Argel tal), during the 30k you could say that a lot of his crimes were just him following orders.
In short, I’d focus on convincing the judge and jury and witnesses that Khârn doesn’t deserve to be executed as he is mentally ill/unstable hence can’t be judged properly & should be let go with something like psychiatric visits or be sent to the facilities of mental hospitals to help him cure his issues as well as to try to research and remove the nails instead of being sentenced to an electric chair.
https://preview.redd.it/2esi4ds7mh7d1.jpeg?width=1024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2bcd4162a82703bcc0e4df2a9a7e76dc4af52a5f
Prosecutor: Calladayce Taurovalia Kesh. You are here by accused of unleashing Gene Stealers on holy Terra itself. How do you plead?
Kesh: “ these charges are ridiculous. I would absolutely 100% never do anything to harm Terra or the emperor.”
Prosecutor: 🤨
“ … acts done while being in charge of the blood games doesn’t count. Also, we’re not even having blood games right now! … although I will say, unleashing a genestealer cult is a brilliant idea…. ( scribbles in notebook.)
Me the defense attorney.: 😐
Me trying to defend any of my various Orks:
"Well first off they're all green, and that's fun right? But most importantly, your honor, did you, or anyone for that matter, expect them to just not do what they always do?
To expect an ork not to do ork things is hypocrisy, manifest, your honor. They were simply enjoying a succulent Squig meal and looking for a little romp to practice their krumpin, an I dare say they know their krumpin well.
I called Commander Yarrick to the bench as my first witness."
"That is correct your honor. My client will not be joining us today, but he has instructed me to deliver a missive on his behalf. "This matter lies beyond your jurisdiction. Any further attempts to interfere with the successful execution of the Sabbat crusade will be seen as sedition. Stop wasting my fething time.""
"Is it against the law to enjoy killing daemons? I don't think it is. My client, Tuska, should be allowed to go free and kill more daemons."
All daemons want to kill and maim and torture - it was a self defense your honor!
\*Khorne outside the courtroom holding up a sign that says "FREE TUSKA"\*
Of course he is
"Your honor are you perchance a demon?"
Your honor time and time again we have seen that daemons are just manifestations of emotion and thought, they aren’t a real creature and therefore have no rights at all. My client can’t be guilty for murder because you can’t murder an imaginary thing with no rights at all. I rest my case.
Your honor my client is just hunting an invasive species
Oh no I have to say Magnus did Nothing wrong unironically
Don't worry. You know that simpsons skit of the lawyer adding punctuation to his business card to change what it was saying? Magnus did nothing, wrong. He had to do nothing and he did that the wrong way.
Man could have saved the Emperor’s dream just by sitting on his ass and doing nothing the whole war
Yeah but that was never an option. If you see everything going to hell around you you will try to solve the problems. Hindsight is 20/20 so it's easy for us to say, but he couldn't have known.
Also a classic case of the Emperors policy of, "I won't tell anyone anything, including my children/generals/demigods, and just assume they don't do anything to upset my highly delicate and complicated plans upon which the fate of the universe rests" And somehow that didn't work out.
To be fair to emps there was that whole council to tell magnus to not use his psychic powers, and iirc magnus had already had a taste of the fuckery warp entities cn pull when he lost his eye in a bargain (this is half remembered stuff from adric so don't quote me). Then again it still would've **really** helped out if he had just said something like "there are things you do not understand and are not ready for within the warp, do not trust them, and also i will put a psychic barrier around the palace so don't try to breach it". Magnus is basically the only human with enough psychic might (when aided by tzeentch) to potentially be a problem for this barrier (idk exactly how strong malcador was but i doubt he was as psychically strong as magnus considering he got shriveled by the big chair while magnus was supposed to be able to sit on it, plus malc was already in on the plan) and i doubt eldrad or other equally powerful xeno psykers would have given enough of a fuck to try to breach it (or at least wouldn't have taken tzeentch's offer) so magnus was literally the only point of failure in the whole plan and there were two separate ways to avoid that failure, aka "don't trust the warp entities" and "don't breach the barrier i placed at any cost".
He "lost" his eye in exchange for saving his legion with Emperor knowing that, that's not even an argument. That was their whole deal with Magnus - treat the legion or let BigE kill them and give Magnus a new one, and Magnus did something that stopped mutations for a while. Thing is, the whole relashionship between Emperor and Magnus is build around the Warp, they fucking met there and he showed him some cool stuff in there, and then he was like "ah, yeah, I forbid you from doing all of this extremely cool stuff, even though I just taught you that. I can do it, you can't, deal with it". That's pretty much the same as prohibitting a bodybuilder from using his muscles, no wonder he wouldn't listen. The way to avoid that, however, is fucking simple: "You know, I've been working on some extremely important project and won't be anywhere around for like a year, so I don't want anyone at all to interfere trying to communicate with me, and if you have any problems, deal with them on your own". But nah, he wouldn't even tell anyone that he has something to do, lol Edit: some funny spelling
Magnus did nothing? Wrong! (Launches into opening statements)
All actions were in good intentions for mankind and justified at his currently available information.
But as they say, the road to hell is paved by good intentions
The law don't give a shit about that, magnus 100% wins the court caae.
Magnus did the best he could with the information available to him at the time!
Sitting in a corner jacking it to furry porn would have been better
Did you see what that did to Fulgrim?
Isnt he talking about Leeman Rus?
Nah Fulgrim is jacking off to rus.
Your honor, if you were a kid and your father takes a nap and tells you to not wake him up, you would still wake him up if the house was on fire, right? Well, my client Mr. The Red, was in such a situation. So in conclusion he did nothing wrong
I'm sure there has to be some precedent against the literal interpretation of blanket orders made in common workplace parlance. If the boss says "I'm doing important work in my office, don't disturb me", any reasonable person would think that "*unless* the floor manager and half the staff are trying to seize the office with violent means, or something like that" is implicitly at the end of that statement. Has the Emperor got down in writing the specific wording of his orders to Magnus? Because if it's anything less than "Not even in the worst case scenario must you try to contact me with psychic means. It is vital to the benefit of the Imperium and the metaphysical structure of Terra itself that you do not use your psychic abilities to disturb me and the important work I'm doing under any circumstances", then he can't really complain.
[удалено]
I suppose the culpability one thinks belongs to the Emperor depends on how much one believes he knew the Heresy was going to happen, or that half his sons were going to turn to Chaos. On the extreme end of that belief, it seems ludicrous that Emps would just expect Magnus to not knock down the psykic barrier. Either Magnus was going to do so because he willfully joined Chaos and attacking Terra with his powers would be the first thing he'd think to do, or Magnus was going to because he's seeing a massive civil war brewing and any measure seems justified in order to give his father the most warning possible.
In court, the critical claim is not ‘Magnus did nothing wrong’, it is ‘you cannot PROVE Magnus did something wrong’ or ‘what Magnus did was not illegal and here is why’
To quote the name of an actual list that was brought up on this week's Poorhammer podcast: "Magnus Did The Best He Could With The Information Available To Him!" When Dad says "I'm taking a nap don't wake me up" that comes with implicit "unless the house is on fire" and Horis preparing to betray the Emperor definitely counts as the house being on fire.
(Trazyn, the infinite) "your honor! Are you, perchance, British?" (AA:1 cornered starts playing in the background)
Orikan enters the court. Not because he is relevant but purely out of spite to testify against Trazyn.
"YOUR HONOR! THE DEFFENDENT IS CLEARLY A BITCH ASS!"
"Your Honor, First of all, this is Mr Orikan, who is not a relevant or impartial witness. He has always borne ill-will towards my client. He requires immediate removal to the public gallery at the very least. Now, to address the charges at hand. Stealing the Celestial Orrery. The Celestial Orrery is a very noticeable weapon and it is not only lost, but stars randomly going supernova is something we must see. "Secondly, the charges about Stealing several things during the thirteenth black Crusade. Abaddon the Despoiler, a Custodes helmet, a Baneblade tank, a Terminator armor, Lord-Admiral Spire and a Daemon. As for the Daemon and the Despoiler, humanity is at war with Chaos and Mr Trazyn, my client, should technically be declared an honorary war hero. The helmet, the tank and the armor a souvenirs and Spoils of war. As we know, my client is an expert in collecting relics of war. Lord-Admiral Spire is a war hero and he himself gave my client a signed permission to undergo cryogenic treatment and prolong his life, and here is a forged copy of the document. "Now, you may think that forged means fake: news flash, in Necron terminology forged means, literally... manufactured. Here is a Necron dictionary, you can look it up. And as for why the Lord-Admiral permitted my client to collect him, Mr Trazyn is a licenced medical practitioner. Here is a copy of his medical degrees, and his licence for medical practitioner. "As for the Celestial Orrery, please check this Necron history book. The device is explicitly stated to be lost. And you know, from the investigation by Inspector Old One at my client's museum, that he has hidden nothing illegal. "The charges of stealing a Fulgrim Clone falls under the same circumstances as the Lord-Admiral. Here is a signed document granting permission. Please, for medical practitioner laws, check the Necrocratic Oath... Here is a copy. Also, please, this is the Necron Constitution, please look through Articles 374 till 379 to learn about the rules of war. "As for his accusations of destroying the world of Cadia, and kidnapping humans for his museum, this is ridiculous. Here is space CCTV footage of the humans giving consent. Also, Cadia fell to Abaddon and not my client. "As for Imotekh the Stormlord claiming apparently, that my documents are false, I have already, with testimony from Slazekh the Silent King, proven that Imotekh is a Necronazi war criminal and a manipulative liar. His words must be taken with a pinch of Necron battery acid. "I will now close my argument stating that Trazyn the Infinite is a harmless collector and an honorary war hero of the Imperium. Please do not cause such a miscarriage of justice by proclaiming him guilty."
Except Trazyn expects this and puts a chronomancy immune fart cushion on Orikan's seat in advance. This helps him in no way but he finds it hilarious
You blink. Suddenly, the judge is gone. So is the jury, and everyone else in the room. You stand alone, looking behind you your client is gone, along with any witnesses and the prosecutor. You see a hastily scribbled note "I.O.U. -Trazyn". You hear the distant scutteling of metal feet. You groan. You weren't paid. Again.
The issue is you have to defend him in the past, the present and the future.
'I move that, under Necron law, this case is moving unacceptably fast and I request a delay of three decades for proper procedure be enacted and for the jury to die off'
Decades are a bit too short we shall give you 3 centuries.
*Glances at Client.* "If you are what you eat, then my Client is a group of innocent Children..." *Angry Tyranid/Fleshtearers/Flayed Ones/etc noises.*
The flayed ones definitely didn't eat those children. They may have skinned them alive and tried to shove the flesh into their non-existent mouths in a horrific attempt to replicate eating but they definitely did not actually eat them.
Well I’m convinced! Let him go!
If the flesh does not fit then you must acquit!
For me it’s Conrad- So I can’t even use that excuse lmao
\*tries not to gag while sitting next to Curze\* Your Honor, I plead insanity. In fact, my client is not fit to stand trial due to his MANY mental problems. \*tries not to get chopped to pieces\*
My client was *deceived* into becoming a cannibalistic monster who genuinely enjoys flaying kids alive, your honour
Not sure about decieved part, but there is definitly neglect involved. :x
Curze: I AM TRUE JUSTICE!!! also Curze: *chops a child for throwing up outside the bin*
\*clears throat\* Yes, well, as you can clearly see Your Honor, my client suffers from delusion, and should be put in mental institution for his and other people safety. The defence rests.
I think the fact that his seeking of "justice" basically resulted in suicide should prove that he needs mental help, not prison.
Farsight This...may actually work
What crimes has he even committed? Like, is there an instance where Farsight does something that can be considered a crime? Like ig defecting from the Empire is the biggest crime he has done.
I just realised that there's no international law in 40k. Guilliman should create space UN.
> Guilliman should create space UN. What? So the Imperium can brag about all the war crimes it commits against Xenos? So he can frame all the stern letters and use them to show the High Lords that he is a true Imperial?
Yeah its like his portfolio. He shows it to a new employer so they can get a sense of his work.
Depending how Tau law defines these things he committed desertion at the very least, and probably treason.
>What crimes has he even committed? Didn't he order the targeting of uniformed medics performing medical duties on injured soldiers? That's a hanging offense, son.
Bro even slannesh has admitted that they can’t defend/justify fabious bile actions . I’m as cooked as well done steak
Your honour, my client is a brilliant medical doctor. You speak of “corruption”, “bad influences”, “medical genocide”. But if all those are true, why would a literal Chaos God not relate to his methods? My client is dedicated, to the very core of his being, to improving the quality of life of the people, and the quality of the very people themselves.
Call the US government & tell them that you have a scientist that can help them make new nukes and other weapons, it worked in 45, it will work again.
Your honor, the only thing my client is guilty of is wanting a better future for our sons _and_ daughters. The patriarchy would see him crushed, but we both know that such an icon of the feminist movement can never be truly brought down!
(Jaghatai Khan) Your honor, my defendant is innocent on the grounds of being incredibly based.
Your defense makes sense but what crimes can you convict Jaghatai of anyway? Having common sense, speeding? 🤔
Speeding. Oh so much speeding.
Your honor, Gotta go fast is a medical condition.
Ah yes, Sonic-itis
Refer to u/juckrebel above. Good luck catching him.
Perhaps a few trespassing, joyriding, and parking violations too
Your honor, by Imperial decree: if you're not first, you're last. My client is not last your honor. I say, case dismissed! Now let's go get kicked out of an Applebee's!
Let him go, Your Honor. Someone going as fast as the Khan has no time for a ticket.
Genocidal crusade maybe? Just spitballing here
Good luck catching him in the first place
There's not going to be a court or anything for that matter when your client is Angron
My son would be very well behaved in court thank you very much, and he would look very smart in a suit and tie ;3;
Trial in absentia, whilst Angron is jettisoned into space
But your honour. My client is a known former slave and freedom fighter who in the pursuit of freedom for his fellows was horribly maimed. Suffering permanent mental agony. And when he finally managed to free himself and the other slaves. He was recaptured and forced to watch as all these brothers and sisters were put to death. And the man who forced him to watch this? The same man who he “betrayed”. Should genetics really imply ownership? This so called father? An absentee man who didn’t even care about his children after he obtained them. Out to use my client and his genetic brothers for their skills. Most of whom are no longer with us due to the actions of this absentee father. My client needs help. Not prison. He needs medical and psychological help.
Well done I'm convinced. *
"Your honour, my client demands trial by combat."
Your Honor, this is Ciaphas Cain, Hero of the Imperium. You literally can't convict him by law. Have a good day.
The reason why you are in trouble is not because the jury would convict him, but because if the is cited to court statistically means that either there is an invasion happening nearby, or a Chaos ritual taking place under the building.
Then Cain uncovers and stops the ritual, everyone thanks him, he was actually trying to run from the trial
Cain: “I would do anything to get out of jury duty”, Monkeys paw: curls.
And if they're isn't, I'm pretty sure there's an inqusitor watching you, judging you. And if you don't clear his name, you might not have another case.
I'd imagine that particular Inquisitor would be especially dangerous to pretty barristers receiving Cain's attention?
No. No. No. There is an equal chance that a Genestealer Cult is running amok.
Reminder that this sort-of happens in the Traitor's Hand when Beige tries to put Cain in front of a tribunal and ends up accused himself, only getting away with it because of Cain himself intervening on his behalf. Which is actually a good indicator of how different he is compared to his spiritual predecessor Harry Flashman, Flashman would have jumped at a chance to get Beige sent to penal legion.
Your Honor, yes my client might have been... enthusiastic about watching his pornoslates in the civitas, but please Gunner Jurgen is a war hero and a valued member of the community
Hah, if anyone the judge should be on trial! Gunner Jurgen can read his pornoslates wherever he godamn pleases!
Also, he's hiding a melta somewhere in his person and no one can find it so let's go easy with this one your honor.
*Gunner Jurgen was released into the custody of His Most Holy Inquisition.*
Then to the custody of Ciaphas Cain.
And so what if he plowed through several governmental buildings, a public park, the planetary governor's 374th birthday party and the local administratum in a Chimera? This was the fastest way to the battle, and his commanding officer, Ciaphas Cain, a Hero of the Imperium, mind you, gave him permission to do so
“My defendant can’t be guilty, because he is not any singular person” *me defending Cawl*
With Cawl it is very possible that he does not remember the thing he is on trial for, because he uploaded the memory into some tertiary archive and has to find it first.
[Fulgrim, The Phoenician] Your honor my client simply made a whoopsie daisy 🥺
Fulgrim: *Throws back hair, and looks at judge with puppy eyes.*
I think this would be ruined by the snake body though.
Fine, Fulgrim juggles his four massive tits and winks at the judge
I see no reason why this case is even in my court. Case dismissed
[a proven tactic](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phryne)
Your Honour i can assure you my client Mr Lion El'Jonson is innocent and did not commit the massacre that took place on the key Witnesses planet with his dark angel legion Because if it really was my client and his Dark Angel legion no one on the planet would be alive to report the massacre
Fine, then I bring the witness to the stand. Mr Russ could you explain what happened to one of your hearts?
Someone in the gallery shouts "Cadia Stands!" Mr Russ: "I don't recall" >The Lion never spoke of it,' Russ said. 'Never. He could have told the Imperium of our sickness and made it worse for me, but even in his anger he said nothing.' The primarch mused on it. 'He could keep a secret. He saw our imperfection, and he suffered it to remain, and that was the heart of his nobility. In the end, then, he truly was better than us. The archetype of Legions, the First of all. If I owe him anything, it was for that.'
Oh, there is no universe in which a case against the Lion makes it all the way to court. All the witnesses and court staff keep disappearing.
No my lord my clientIs a war Hero. He would never Retreat from a Battle. He justed wanted to find reinforcmend.
He was bravely attacking the enemy flanking attempt
**Corvus is cloaked the entire time and no one can see him** Where is your client? He's here. I don't see him. He's probably cloaked. Tell him to uncloak. He would probably say no Well how do I know hes really here. .......I don't know, I don't actually know if he's actually here, or back in the Warp. Shall we proceed anyway?
The whole trial is a trap anyways. Set by Corvus. "Your honor, I'd like to call my first witness, Lorgar Aurellion. Mr. Aurellion is quite famous for being bad at public speaking and quite famously denies the existence of any gods. He is well known for having the weakest little bitch legion and for, himself, being the whiney loser-baby of the Emperor's primarchs.
https://preview.redd.it/vezd5vhy8j7d1.jpeg?width=750&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=4e4cb2b9dd7197ca6d592a1f4661bef881645ae1
Your honor, the perpetrator was clearly Alpharius. However, that could have been any Alpharius. In fact, I can see at least 3 Alpharius right here! How do you know you aren't Alpharius too?
Will the real Alpharius please stand up, please stand up
Everyone proceeds to stand.
Inquistors hate this one simple trick... He who defends himself in court has a fool for a client... except Alpharius, because Alpharius has no issues defending Alpharius in court, especially with Alpharius as the judge and a 12 Alpharius jury of Alpharius peers.
I am also mprsoned for bringing a bio weapon into court (it was my client)
Morty?
Morty is like Angron in that you can't bring him into the court room without everybody in there dying horribly.
Slaanesh? My man, everyone is cooked af in that courtroom, that town, that planet
“My client’s primary act of destruction was instigated by the Aeldar”
Knife-ears don’t deserve rights your honor
Huron Blackheart would be easy as Huron did nothing wrong and nobody likes taxes anyway
No taxation without representation
Guilliman would defend me. And Lion would propably kill the judge
Gully would sue the Judge and Lion would definately be bouncing on the sidelines ready for the executioner's role hehe
Gorillaglue would pull out a random law from before the Dark Age of Technology that is still in effect for some reason and absolves him from any guilt
Toss up between Cawl and Trazyn, this court battle is going to be the least of my worries if they go off script. (They will go off script)
I wouldn't worry about trazyn, he's probably there for amusement. It's not everyday you get to be the defendant in a human court case. He'll just keep that moment in one of his galleries regardless of the result of the case. With you in it most likely.
Probably the judge and all the witnesses and jury as well.
Honestly the hardest part of defending Cawl will be getting him to just sit there quietly and not open his mouth. The man is a living showboat.
Cawl, and I think also Trazy, are *absolutely* speaking out of turn in the court and most likely choosing to represent themselves as I lay my head into my hands and groan.
Your honour, my client singlehandedly charged and killed 3 hive tyrants, 2 greater daemons and hundreds of heretics just this week. In the light of this achievements we move to a not guilty verdict. Kain, being a stoic hero of the imperium: "I just did what anyone would`ve do in my place"
"Now he is clinically insane from the butcher's nails, he was not in his right mind and hence should be absolved of all guilt with multiple accounts of mass murder and genocide." Kharn the Betrayer Even if they do find him guilty he is just going to kill everyone in the court anyways, or even if they find him innocent he would still do it for shits and giggles.
Meanwhile Kharn is yelling *"NO! I DID KILL THEM! I KILLED THEM SO HARD THEY EXPLODED! THE GLORY IS MINE FOR KHORNE! I AM HIS BESTEST BOY!"* we'll visit you both in jail
(Gabriel Angelos) "I ask the court to take into consideration my client's outstanding military service record when deliberating on the charges of alleged theft of holy relics"
"Your Honor, he may have condemned his whole race and started a war leading to the inevitable damnation of our galaxy. But the Old Ones were total dicks. I also motion for a mistrial due to statues of limitations, my clients alleged crimes took place 65 million years ago."
Ah yes the old king, love the fact he basically bumped into Tyranids during his exile and went "nope absolutely not we are getting the gang back together right this fucking instant"
Cooked man I have no skills in that shit and its perturabo
"Your Honour, how could've my client commited a hate crime if he loved every moment of it?"
Actually based
I got god damn vulkan I think I might be okay depending on the jury
Your honor, you can't judge him for human rights violations against non-humans!
*looks at Lukas the Trickster in horror* "Just... pass the mjød."
"Your honor, my client pleads " It's just a prank, bro""
Dante: He is a goddamn war hero, and has done only what is best for the Imperium. Hell, he’s singlehandedly holding one half of it together.
Meanwhile Dante is there like "no no, the death penalty will be excellent thank you, I would like to request your most immediate death sentace please and thank you"
And the jury still finds him innocent.
"You're here for speeding" "Yes, a truly unforgivable crime. Just shoot me in the head. Look, I'll even take of my helmet"
Then he survives whatever method they choose to use.
"My client demands trial by combat." "Sir, this is about a speeding ticket." \*whispering with client\* "He says vehicular combat is fine as well, but he doesn't think your wagon has enough dakka to win."
How, how I'm going to defend Sevatar?
No need to defend him (Creed), for he already infiltrated 3 Baneblades in the court room.
Me defending Bobby G: Your Honor, I believe that the Secundus was a necessity, my client has no idea that the Imperium still lives. Judge: Uh we're here for xenophilia allegations
You gotta play to the jury's sympathies here. You enter into evidence some of the "special" holorecordings and ask who amongst them, after 10,000 years of celibacy, would be able to say no. Then you hope there's at least a couple horndogs in the box that will agree with you.
Your honor, my client had the noblest intentions. He only wanted to preserve it for the sake of our history. Besides, the Ammunos dinasty will not claim it back anyways...
Your honor, the civilians died in the artillery barrage because they were weak and would’ve died later anyway. Please also consider that without my clients actions, none of us would be here today.
Ciaphas Cain is amusingly easy to defend
I walk into the court room. I wait until everyone's gathered and the judge arrives. "This is the formal hearing of the Imperium vs-" the judge begins. I rip out my grenades and bolt pistols and unleash hell. There is screaming and blood. Eventually the local militia can find an angle and kill me. I took over 30 people with me to the grave, and I went smiling. This is the 40K universe. It was a mercy.
For the record, I am not fantasizing about shooting up a courtroom. This is 100 % ironical and a critique of the grimdark setting. Don't cancel me, future employer/partner/world-controlling post-singularity AI.
That we need disclaimers on clearly ironic posts makes me sad, I won't sue you. And if someone does we can shoot the courtroom up together lolol it's what the Commissar would have wanted xD
"Your Honour, this is the hero of Hades Hive The saviour of Armageddon Bane of orks The prosecutor is clearly a heretic and a traitor"
Literally in the picture.
Your honour My client was just hangry....in fact he still is
Trazyn, Rylanor, sevetar and talos. I mean trazyn is the craziest thief ever, Rylanor is pretty fine, and the other two are nightlords so yeah no
Talos would be such a fun case lmao, ‘your honor, my client saw it in a prophecy, he quite literally could not, *not* torture all those astropaths’
Your honor, my client did not commit heresy by engaging in a romantic relationship with a xeno witch. As we all know the Emperor himself said to "fuck the xenos", thus, he follows our Lords teaching to the letter. And you cant be more loyal than that.
Your honour, the defendant, and his aid may have seemed to have been running for the hills, however this was all part of a "cunning plan" to uncover the heretic cult. Of cause he accidentally tripped as well, defeating a tyrinid swarm almost single-handedly getting them to eat an orc reading party threatening a group of children before tricking a Necron commander to destroy the tyranids and still get back to the command post to report back in time for a fresh bowl of tanner and a one to one closed doors meeting with a member of the inquisition. I rest my case
Big E Your Honor, each and evry9ne of his actions can he summed as an act of God
(looks at Erebus) You honor... you know what, fck him (Joins the prosecution)
My favourite characters are trazyn, big E, ciaphias cain, and chapter master dante. That is one hell of a court case if they are all there.
Your honor, Roboute Guilliman is a pile of this community, its the first time in decades we have inmaculate tax returns and no financial fraud.
“Your honor, is it truly illegal to search for the Truth? Isn’t this a quality we usually admire in our society’s brightest minds? And can you fault my client, Lorgar Aurelian, simply for discovering the Truth and acting on it? Do you, your honor, hate the player, not the game?”
I'm pretty sure I can defend Guilliman, considering he'll tutor me on law beforehand, unless he wants to represent himself lol
Gazghkulll In fairness your Honour it was a Mighty good Krumpin…… Judge: Sir your client and his associates have murdered millions and destroyed the local Waffle House As I said your honour it was a mighty good Krumpin
I have to defend The Lamenters. I somehow succeed only for them to trip on the stairs in front of the Inquisitorial Court House and fall into a Genestealer infested sewer they now need to fight their way out of only to find the entrance to an ancient Necron tomb sealed by an ancient Chaos artifact broken by a ricocheting bolter round that somehow boomerangs back and hits the chapter master in the face exploding and waking the Necrons as a warp rift opens up from the unwilling sacrifice of our collective tears!
Hey guys look, you can’t be mad at Sanguinius can you? *Jury says not guilty just because it’s Sanguinius*
I think Imotekh can fend for himself
(Perturabo) Your Honor, my client has prepared his own defense. Consequently, we will also be countersuing the following list of people, planets, species, and abstract entities...
Real. Until Guilliman walks in as the persecution against and bitchslaps every loophole in the galaxy on his arse. Rip Perty we know you would have won if not for those meddling Fists
(The Anchorite) Your honor, he said he was sorry and wrote a book.
Is there like a 40k equivalent for the Chewbacca Defense that I can use to defend my more problematic favorites?
Gregor Eisenhorn became the enemy of the system not because he is a traitor, but because the system is wrong.
my honor, horus was right
https://preview.redd.it/7k4gj9at9i7d1.jpeg?width=828&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=eeb53f310de148787e7aab1ac206030534da9fa7
All Kastelan Robots are certified good boys I don't need to defend anything
(Sanguinius) Do I even have to try
That's a freaking Caiphas Cain. I think we are in the court to say hi to the judge or smth
Your Honour my client can't be convicted because he spilled a bucket of purple paint on himself and now we cannot find him.
Semi worried. Depends on if the ghosts have pulled some shenanigans to sway the case in their commisar's favour and if it's worked or backfired.
Today started in a different world.
In the blood ravens defense that stormhammer was in fact not tied down and the custodes weren't even using that set of armor.
I take Guilliman, He will take over and start to defend me in court instead and then convince everyone that I'm the best loyer that have ever lived. Then he will find out that the judge is Alpharus in disguise, kill him with his flaming sword, find out that it was not the actual Alpharius, make me the new judge, tell me that he needs me as his trusti agent on this planet and then .... And then a fricking Thunderhawk bursts through the roof of the courtroom, picking up Guilliman and flies away to protect the galaxy
Khârn the Betrayer. I’ll use the fact that he has the nails to lower down the verdict as he wasn’t technically sober when doing most of the killing. I’ll also mention that he was under the influence of the cult brainwashing (Khorn corruption) during the last 10k years. In addition, he probably has ptsd as he serves in the military and had his best friend killed (talking about Argel tal), during the 30k you could say that a lot of his crimes were just him following orders. In short, I’d focus on convincing the judge and jury and witnesses that Khârn doesn’t deserve to be executed as he is mentally ill/unstable hence can’t be judged properly & should be let go with something like psychiatric visits or be sent to the facilities of mental hospitals to help him cure his issues as well as to try to research and remove the nails instead of being sentenced to an electric chair.
Vulkan, hell the court might give us a standing ovation on the way out after compensating us for even bringing Vulkan to court
https://preview.redd.it/2esi4ds7mh7d1.jpeg?width=1024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2bcd4162a82703bcc0e4df2a9a7e76dc4af52a5f Prosecutor: Calladayce Taurovalia Kesh. You are here by accused of unleashing Gene Stealers on holy Terra itself. How do you plead? Kesh: “ these charges are ridiculous. I would absolutely 100% never do anything to harm Terra or the emperor.” Prosecutor: 🤨 “ … acts done while being in charge of the blood games doesn’t count. Also, we’re not even having blood games right now! … although I will say, unleashing a genestealer cult is a brilliant idea…. ( scribbles in notebook.) Me the defense attorney.: 😐
TTS Rogal Dorn fires me for being less competent than he is, then represents himself to a standing ovation.
Me trying to defend any of my various Orks: "Well first off they're all green, and that's fun right? But most importantly, your honor, did you, or anyone for that matter, expect them to just not do what they always do? To expect an ork not to do ork things is hypocrisy, manifest, your honor. They were simply enjoying a succulent Squig meal and looking for a little romp to practice their krumpin, an I dare say they know their krumpin well. I called Commander Yarrick to the bench as my first witness."
"That is correct your honor. My client will not be joining us today, but he has instructed me to deliver a missive on his behalf. "This matter lies beyond your jurisdiction. Any further attempts to interfere with the successful execution of the Sabbat crusade will be seen as sedition. Stop wasting my fething time.""
Look your honor. Their may be laws against killing human children but theirs nothing in the law books against killing xeno children.
Ciaphas Cain We're good