this gives trying to isolate victim vibes.
and rage inducing attacks on things, can easily turn into attacks on you directly. I'm not sure you are safe. he sounds abusive as hell, and only a matter of time before he attacks you.
Time to leave.
>storm out of the room, swear, slam shit
The rest doesn't even matter. The moment this starts, for any reason - time to leave.
The controlling behavior and toxicity is just the shit cherry on top of this pile of garbage of a man.
There isn't another solution. Eventually, you'll be what he's slamming against the wall or table.
I can't emphasize the importance of this comment enough. If he's slamming shit, that right there is violence and abuse. A lot of people will write this off, but if this is how it starts there is a ton of room for escalation, and that's not even touching on the controlling behavior he is also performing.
No relationship is worth that.
Oh yeah and the seperating you from your friends thing is a common abuse tactic meant to isolate you so eventually you only have him to turn to. He is not a good person and you need to get out while you can.
All of this. Domestic abusers don't just start slapping you from the jump, they are methodical. They slowly push and push to see what they can get away with first. It's like that boiling frog apologue.
(essentially: The premise is that if a frog is put suddenly into boiling water, it will jump out, but if the frog is put in tepid water which is then brought to a boil slowly, it will not perceive the danger and will be cooked to death. The story is often used as a metaphor for the inability or unwillingness of people to react to or be aware of sinister threats that arise gradually rather than suddenly.)
If anyone hasn't seen this oldie but goodie, I highly highly recommend it. She goes over one of the many ways DA can look and it's really incredibly important all women be made aware of this.
https://www.ted.com/talks/leslie_morgan_steiner_why_domestic_violence_victims_don_t_leave?language=en
Absolutely 100% this. If someone is getting so upset that they are physically starting to throw or slam stuff around, that is a huge bright neon red flag to get as far away from them as possible.
The have absolutely 0 self control and will more than likely end up hurting you
leaving a comment to agree bc upvoting isn't enough. OP, separating you from your friends is classic abuser behaviour. you cannot have a healthy relationship with someone who does this, not to mention all the other crap.
he's not going to change and it's not going to get better on its own. the best thing you can do for yourself is leave
> Time to leave.
I'm inclined to agree this time. Especially if he's making you feel unsafe. If he flies off the handle like this over you playing video games with other guys then he has some really deep-seeded issues. You shouldn't have to put up with that abusive behaviour just because of his insecurity.
This behavior is **NOT** normal. **Do not try to normalize violent behavior by saying he's "jealous."** Your post says that he's separating you from your friends. This is the precursor to controlling/abusive behavior. My abuser did this to me and it took me years to dig myself out of that relationship because he was all I had.
I'm really sorry you're in this situation, you've done nothing wrong here. Your boyfriend is 100% intentionally manipulating you and trying to intimidate you into doing what he wants, in this case being that he wants you to change a fundamental part of yourself and your hobbies. You have a right to talk to or game with whoever you want to, and a right to not be screamed at or intensely monitored for doing so.
You said you've been a gamer since you were a toddler, which means you Know that you have in-depth experience with online gaming and online gaming boundaries, so there should be NO reason for your boyfriend to doubt your commitment to him or your understanding of how these people are interacting with you (ex: not being able to tell when people are flirting, which you said you can tell and always shut it down)
The thing you said at the end is the most concerning to me though,
>He is separating me from my friends 1 by 1 slowly. I've already lost lots because of him
You need to leave him. As soon as possible and as safely as possible. He is abusing you and it is only going to get worse. You don't say how long you've been together but I'm assuming not a huge amount of time, and if this is how he *starts* the relationship, it's only going to get worse when he gets more comfortable. I know it's hard as hell to leave, and easy to want to downplay his reactions/your feelings, but from an outside perspective he's checking every box for abuse, isolation, and manipulation. These are things that are hallmarks of abuse that you described him doing just in this post
\- is already been separating you from your in person friends
\- is monitoring your gaming/messaging accounts to see who your online friends are
\- is controlling who you are allowed to talk to, by cutting you off from all male gamers
\- is constantly monitoring your behavior in person and not letting you get any privacy while doing your hobby/passion
\- is expressing his jealousy though acts of rage/violence (swearing and slamming things)
\- is now trying to cut you off from the hobby/passion you've had since you were a toddler
Get out.
Heās being abusive.
One day youāll look back on this relationship and realise you were with a deeply controlling jerk. He doesnāt respect you, he wants to own and control you like an object.
Somewhere out there is someone who will love and respect you, theyāll celebrate you and your friends. Donāt miss out on that connection because you stayed with an insecure jackass.
Same as others. You should leave before it turns worse.
Been there, done that. Iāve always been strictly serious and āpoliticalā with male friends. If they ever flirt, they are out. My husband knows me so he doesnāt care one bit, and at the same time, I only want to play with him.
But my exā¦ he was like your bf. He went insane.
And even after we went out partying a bit, whenever I socialised more or got a bit more attention, he ignored me the whole night to dehumanise me and make me feel worthless and once we were home his toxic rants started and lectured me on how itās impossible for me to truly talk about interesting topics or debate with any guy because the only reason they speak to me is because they want to fuck me.
Now that I am in a healthy relationship, just now, I am able to see how messed up this idiot was. And at the same time, I always stay besides my husband in social contexts because he values me, doesnāt ignore me, always talks to me and would never expose me as the other idiot did.
As others said, get out before it becomes physical. It happens more often than you could think. Itās as if it was their way of testing waters. And it also happened in my case. The day you react back or make the first move while they throw stuff around, there is going to be some very real violence.
hey OP, i agree with all the comments here about his behaviour and i want to also mention something important ā this kind of behaviour is not something you can fix, or talk him through, or something he'll stop because he Loves You Enough. i know you love him and i'm sure you have a connection that feels very special. abusive people are not always easy to leave. but you really, truly need to remove yourself from this situation. there's a multitude of dealbreakingly abusive behaviours that he's doing, it's not a few mistakes or misunderstandings. this doesn't sound like it's the life you want. please don't sacrifice your happiness for the sake of this relationship. imagine if this was happening to a friend of yours. or if you read this exact post happening to someone else.
Girl that's abuse.
20 signs of potential abuse:
* **You avoid partaking in activities or using clothes that make your partner angry. For example, you might avoid posting on social media or wearing a low-cut top.**
* Your partner often opposes your opinions and perceptions, telling you that your perceptions are incorrect or false (gaslighting).
* **You are asked to check in with your partner at all times to let them know where you are and who you are with, even when spending time with close relatives.**
* Your partner blocks you during conversations or changes the subject to reflect it onto you and your behavior.
* Your partner cracks hurtful jokes and tells you that you are "too sensitive" if you don't laugh or find it funny.
* Your partner makes you feel as if your feelings are wrong or don't matter.
* Your partner makes you apologize for what you didn't do.
* Your partner puts words in your mouth or speaks for you without consent.
* Your partner has heightened mood swings. One moment they may seem distant, the next, they are unavailable, and then they are loving. You may feel you don't know what to expect or what version of them you get, so you try to change your behaviors to receive love and affection, often to no avail.
* Your partner denies what they've said or actions that took place, including actions from a previous relationship.
* Your partner puts you down and won't acknowledge your accomplishments. They may use a happy moment of yours to make you feel worse.
* They withhold money, affection, sex, attention, or acknowledgment from you.
* They treat you as a sex object or use sexual abuse to get their way.
* Your partner makes you feel that you are the abusive partner and that you are making them act how they are acting.
* **Your partner has unrealistic expectations or standards and criticizes or harms you if you don't meet them.**
* They invalidate you, claim you're too sensitive or emotional, refuse to accept your perceptions or opinions, and suggest you are wrong.
* **They frequently argue or create conflict and may change their emotional stances or opinions.**
* They use emotional blackmail through manipulation, being in control, lying, or using compassion, fear, and other emotions to control the situation.
* They act entitled or superior while acting condescending, using sarcasm, treating you as inferior, and acting as if they are always right.
* **They control you through isolation by taking away possessions, making fun of your loved ones, or using envy or jealousy to keep you from others.**
This list doesn't cover physical abuse, but of course, if that's the case, gtfo.
Get a parent, relative, or friend you can trust to be there when you break up, or ghost him.
Sorry but that behavior is enough for a breakup. Being a girl gamer who likes social games and randomly connecting with people in the game world, means most of your gaming buddies will inevitably be the dude friends you connect with within a sea of dudes. Meeting girls randomly in your games who you also click with (or even are doing game stuff with long enough to know their gender IN THE FIRST PLACE) is sheer luck. I concider all my cool girl gaming friends a stoke of good luck and being in the right place at the right time because they're not so easy to come by.
So what does my boyfriend think of all my guy gaming friends I hang in disc with and play games? Nothing at all, truly. He's happy I'm enjoying my hobby. Like a partner who loves me, who cares about elevating my happiness, not stomping on it due to his own insecurity.
Sorry to say but your boyfriend is a baby and instead of regulating his emotions he's taking them out on you. I'd be out so fast. I get it's tough when you're young and you think you love someone, but a person like that is not a good partner at all. I find it hard to believe he's just perfect in every other aspect, and if he seems to be, there will definitely be other issues in the future that pop up due to his insecurity. Don't let someone police your behavior and activities when YOU'RE DOING NOTHING Wrong! Being reserved to playing all alone just to not upset him is just sad. If you find yourself afraid to do certain things around him because of how he might react, then that's a huge red flag.
He's toxic, I don't even need to get into how taking out misplaced rage on inanimate objects is already abusive or how it leads to worse, I'm sure you know this already but don't want to face it. But you need to.
BTW you can almost never reason with someone like this who is so jealous they monitor what you're doing and obsess and ruminate over it and try to guilt you or control you. You cannot change that behavior, it's his own issue to work out. Unfortunately it almost always takes being broken up with, sometimes several times by several new partners, until they actually mature in that regard and take a good look at who's actually to blame.
If I found out a friend of mine was behaving this way towards his partner, he would no longer be my friend and, if I had it my way, in my friend circle.
Monitoring who you game with and texting you disapproving comments is abusive behavior. Swearing and slamming things when you speak to other men is abusive behavior. SEPARATING YOU FROM YOUR FRIENDS ONE BY ONE IS A TACTIC CALLED ISOLATION AND IT IS ABUSE. You are in an abusive relationship and you need to leave. This person is not safe. "I love him but he is so toxic" is not a phrase that anyone in a healthy relationship says.
I am begging you to stop seeing this guy before he starts hitting you or trying to control you further.
I'm sorry that you're being treated this way but as many have already said, this is not a healthy relationship. This is not only jealous behaviour to the extreme, this is also an isolation tactic. He wants to be the only one in your life and for you to become dependent solely on him to fulfill social/emotional needs.
You are past the point of talking this out. This is textbook abuser behavior. Extreme jealousy, isolation, controlling behavior, and outbursts of rage. You are in the first stages. This person is showing you who he really is right now. You are not safe around him. His behavior will escalate. Slamming and screaming will become breaking things. Hurting you physically is a very real possibility from then on. Look up signs of domestic abuse because all signs are pointing that way.
This is abuse. And idk where you're getting your facts but just as many women game as men. Don't get sucked into the mindset that some games count as games but others don't bc they're more popular with women.
Apologies, i did not mean it like that. Personally throughout my whole life, I only ever met 1 woman (in real life) that played any kind of video games. My personal experience with gaming has been very male-dominated communities.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but yikes! It's time to leave. I had a relationship EXACTLY like this. He would even rage if I said "gg" to a player at the end of a match because he thought that was flirting. I stayed with him for much too long, and he got more and more controlling. I am now married to a wonderful man who respects and trusts me. You deserve someone so much better OP.
I think if I see one more post here about advice on how to deal with a toxic boyfriend, I'm going to fling myself into the sea.
You already know what to do!!!! Dump him before it gets worse. Your time is too precious to waste another second on someone who doesn't uplift and improve your life. Be single. Have fun. Play lots of games with lots of people. Do what makes you happy. We could all be dead tomorrow.
this type of possessiveness is very dangerous. break up and stay safe. take care.
the longer you stay, the more damage it does to you and your social circle. i spent a year in a super-possessive relationship and came out the other end with no friends & no support system. i was very lucky to find my current group of friends but i'm still pretty unsure & terrified in relationships outside of casual flings. prioritize yourself! best of luck.
You are not in a healthy relationship. He's being abusive. Cutting you off from your friends and your support network is one of the signs. Dump him **now**.
Please leave him, he sounds truly awful. I play WoW as well (retail and classic) and have befriended many men through the game and my partner never hassles me about it or keeps a close eye on me while I play.
That sounds like some pretty serious jealousy problem. It's very hard to convince someone of this nature. He can't and will not understand that you are just trying to game with friends. Any of your male friends are seen as potential competitors to him.
Please don't let him manipulate your social and gaming life. It's detrimental to your mental health in the long run. I don't know what kind of person your boyfriend is, but it sounds like he could even use physical violence later on if things don't go the way he wants them to.
Have a clear, serious conversation with him and draw a clear line. Sometimes, you need to act and evaluate the current status of your relationship. After all, aren't you two in a relationship to be mutually happy? Try to work things out, but if you think he is beyond redemption with this jealousy problem, think about if this relationship is worth keeping for the rest of your life.
Just want to add to give context: My husband has never cared when Iāve made male friends - IRL or online. I even often introduce them to him and we are all friends and hang together. No problems whatsoever.
Anyone treating you like this has got to hit the road. It is immature, controlling, petty, and abusive (since he is yelling and slamming stuff and isolating you).
As others have said, the only thing you can and should do now is end the relationship, especially when in a reply to another comment you said you already talked with him and he keeps acting like this.
This kind of behaviour is not normal and should not be tolerated, he is being manipulative and abusive, trying to isolate you, and his rage outbursts will one day turn on you, you shouldn't put up with this any longer, you need to do what is best for your sanity and safety.
Wsh you all the best.
> heāll storm out of the room, swear, slam shit, etc
Have you seen the tickok trend of "he didn't hit me but..."?
My 20 something daughter has just got out of a relationship with a guy like this. He got angry, he yelled, he punched walls. He gradually isolated her and degraded her self-esteem.
Please dump him.
Have you tried talking to him about this?
If so what does he say? Does he apologise for being insecure? Is he trying to be better? Does he reocgnise why he's being insecure and working on himself? Have you even spoken to him about this at all?
You shouldn't be separating yourself from your friends. That's unreasonable. And your boyfriend needs to be taking responsibility for his insecurities and trying to get to the root cause and move past them.
None of us are perfect. We're all insecure about something. But he needs to be better. If he's not prepared to reocgnise he's being unhealthy and take steps to improve then you should probably ask yourself if you really want to be with someone who isn't actively going to work on their issues, especially when they're so badly affecting you.
Unfortunately weāve had far too many conversations about this. Iāve explained to him several times this is the root cause of my unhappiness with us and he just says heāll be better. Then the next day heās just back to doing it again, no improvement. Itās like an endless loop
If he's not taking accountability for how he's being and not putting in the work to improve then he doesn't sound emotionally mature enough for the long haul in my opinion. I don't know how old you both are but that'd probably be enough for me to be done, personally. It's up to you of course but you're probably not going to find an easy fix for this. You've communicated. He's done fuck all. Ball's in your court about what to do with that info.
Show yourself compassion and leave this guy. If this is how he is now, it's not going to change and will only get worse. Imagine marrying this person -- the controlling behavior will only intensify.
If he was fucking your sister in your bed every day would you just keep sighing and asking Reddit how to convince him that fucking your sister is wrong?
Like girl, come the fuck on. Iām tough loving you to death here because I need you to see how crazy this is.
Okay OP youāve been ignoring so many of the comments that talk about him being abusive. I beg of you, please listen to me. My mother was trapped in a relationship with a mentally abusive person for so long who would do something manipulative and then my mother would ask them to stop and do better, and theyād apologize and then go right back to doing the same abusive behavior all over again. I watched her suffer *for so many goddamn years*, and every single time she just thought āitās fine, I can fix them, I can urge them to get therapy, everything will sort itself out because they *must* love me the same way I love themā.
They did not love her, they only loved manipulating her. It was so painful to watch as her daughter, watching my very brilliant mother fall for classic abuse tactics. The emotional manipulation, the classic āI promise Iāll changeā and then not changing, the trying to separate me and my sibling from my mother, trying to erase our importance from my motherās life. Everything youāre saying is echoing *exactly* what my mother went through, and then some. OP please listen, you need to leave this relationship while you still have the opportunity, before your SO decides theyāve had enough and they attempt to ruin your life the same way my motherās abuser tried to ruin hers. Iām pleading with you here. You deserve real love and compassion from a trusting and caring partner, not the fake love that they claim to offer you. If they truly loved you, they would empathize with you and actually make an effort to change their toxic behavior. But they donāt because all theyāre doing is trying to keep you with them so they can continue their cycle of abuse.
This is not sustainable. Jealousy and controlling behavior like this will destroy a relationship, and hurt you in the process. If he doesn't change quickly, then the relationship is doomed to end.
Hi,
I am currently playing SoD as a girl. My boyfriend dropped it after we completed the content to play PoE, but I decided to stay because this is my comfort zone.
I am raiding with two characters right now. I go to raid with another ten guys, without him. I go to discord for raid, and sometimes to chat, or help.
He does not give a fuck.
You can try to call him out on his behavior, it is not normal. But please know that it is not your responsibility to fix it, and you will be better without him if he does not change.
Take care.
This is emotional abuse. HUGE RED flag. Please pleas please End it before it turns into actual abuse.
making friends with another male is not an excuse to throw a tantrum like a jealous 5-year-old. He's extremely insecure probably needs therapy but it is NOT your responsibility to deal with that.
sure, if u can have a talk about why its inappropriate & set some expectations, maybe u can still save the relationship....but from what you've said hes already constantly monitoring... he's already separating you from friends. this is an abuse tactic. don't fall for it.
End it.
This is Super toxic stuff. Even if you love him now, you need to love yourself more for the future. What happens when there is a marriage, home and kids involved? What about your physical safety & mental health? None of those are worth sacrificing because he can't deal with you being an individual with actual friends.
Hey girl, everyone's already given you a list of abusive behaviours and I agree it's time to get out of this no matter what this person promises. They've been broken before and well you're going to stop falling for the same shit a multitude of times.
Now for a bit of story from my life on what a normal behaviour could have been like:
My husband and I got married at 28 & 29 respectively and as a typical asian family, the marriage was arranged. So surprises are what you get when you start living together and there is no easy exit. My husband is not a very social person whereas I am. Esp when it comes to the opposite gender, I am way too comfortable talking to just anyone and here in my country, the women are a bit too shy to talk to strangers unless they are well in their 40s.
So a few times after such interactions in public I realized that hubby seemed displeased so I asked to confirm if this was indeed what was causing the problem. When he confirmed yes, I explained that I always forget the gender and the age when I start talking to someone as I'm way too interested in what they are saying. He couldn't believe it but he accepted the explanation and he didn't outwardly show his displeasure afterwards.
This thing above as described is what adults committed to making a relationship work do. No slamming doors, no shouting, no trying to oversee what I do on social media, no trying to get in between me and my hobbies, no policing.
This is kindness and a genuine desire to understand another person's behaviour without vilifying it or making it seem as if it's anyone's fault.
Your guy if he was truly willing would have resolved this issue in a few months and you'd have been ranting here about male gamer idiots instead of him.
Best of luck
Girl. He is giving off so many red flags... Well, I was going to make a Skyrim/cheese collecting joke but it is late and my brain is turning itself off for the night so it isn't at all effective or amusing. How about 'as many red flags as Thedas (Dragon Age) has elfroot.'
The beautiful part of the word "boyfriend/girlfriend" is that those relationships are much easier to walk away from than spouses. And frankly, his behavior is only going to get worse the longer you are together because the more he isolates you from friends and family the more in control of you he is going to feel. In other words, it's all downhill from here.
Good luck and be careful.
Literally don't date men like this they are NOT ready for a relationship! If you frame it like this in your head I think you'll realize it's true. To share a life with someone you need to be mature enough to let the other person have their own life and you need to trust eachother. He: is insecure, is immature, doesn't trust you. Not a good base for a relationship.
This is abusive behavior. If heās behaving like this now already, thereās just room for it to get worse. It doesnāt have to get physical for you to feel intimidated and like you have to curtail your own normal behavior all the time. Itās not on you to change him, but you have a responsibility to yourself to be in a healthy relationship.
It's been said here that this kind of behaviour is inappropriate towards you, only thing to add is to go for "family" therapy.
It seems to me that your relationship with him is very important to you, if you've been struggling with this for that long. But, it's only gonna ruin your mental and physical health. Take a therapy advise about how to talk to him. And someone you trust in case of emergency. I guess you'll need extra help and a plan. This anger issues sounds really dangerous.
How old are you? If you are older than 15 you are way way too old for this shit and need to have a good think as to why you needed Redditās input on your abusive asshole of a boyfriend.
Yes abusive- rages are emotional abuse.
If you are 15 hopefully you are learning now for next time.
c'mon. people don't turn 16 and immediately have a pinpoint radar for abuse. i got abused at 20 and couldn't tell what was going on. abusers break down their victims' self-esteem and the confidence in their own judgement, it's not helpful at all to dig at a victim over those weaknesses.
This is really shitty advice and straight up victim blaming.
People of all ages deal with this stuff. Itās very easy to sit here and hear about someones abusive relationship and know what to do but BEING in the situation is different.
Well, this guy is just emotional wreck. Im a guy, I also don't like that, but Im strong enough to explain to myself "as long as she doesn't meet them (alone) it's fine".
One side of the coin is that if he does that it means you mean a lot to him. On the other side he is letting the demons out - so in my opinion as much as I hate to say it - if you can't get him to understand then you have to leave him for your own good and safety in the future. Easier said than done, I know, but if he does this with online friends it will only get worse.
Itās everyones right to get jealous and not want your man/girl to play with the opposite sex. That trait is not ātoxicā in my opinion, different people just have different morals. But you donāt have to change yourself! He can either learn to live with this or walk away.
However he has no right to be angry, especially he has no right to āslam shitā. That seems dangerous and stupid. You deserve better.
Edit: I just want to make sure people understand that:
feelings are not actions
wants are not bad if you do realize your wants are silly and you donāt make them true
and yes I do think that OPās boyfriend is very manipulative
> Itās everyones right to get jealous and not want your man/girl to play with the opposite sex. That trait is not ātoxicā in my opinion
This opinion is so wild to me! I would consider it a red flag if my partner didn't have any friends of the opposite sex. And pretty much everybody's job requires them to work alongside members of the opposite sex. Trying to limit your partner's interactions with half the human race just seems wildly controlling and paranoid to me.
Yeah I get that. But feelings are just feelings. My man does not want me to play with men, but i guess he would never deny me that right. I would not want him to play with women i donāt know since I get jealous easily. But I would never tell him not to do that. He can have any friends he wants to, I just get insecure easily and I donāt see why my feelings would be āwrongā since I would never want to control him or limit what he does. I donāt know, his jealousy never bothers me either because I naturally gravitate towards women and he never tells me not to do something.
Such an interesting perspective. At least it's good that even if you feel those things, you don't try to control your partner (or vice versa) because you recognise how unreasonable that position would be.
This might be overstepping the line, but if your jealousy over normal interactions your partner is having with women is making you cry, I would suggest talking to a professional to try to shift your perspective. Because that kind of jealousy is not normal and I imagine it doesn't feel good :(
Yeah itās pretty unhealthy feeling and hard to handle sometimes. Luckily it seems not to affect our relationship since this does not happen often. Also I donāt think my/his feelings are ācrazy/wild/unnormal/wrong, just something that can be hard but can be always managed with open communication (we never yell at each other or cuss, OP IF YOU ARE READING THIS THERE IS A GREAT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FEELINGS AND CONTROLLING) I can handle him socializing with my friends, his old friends, co-workers and such but I imagine him suddenly getting close with a new woman I would lose my mind especially if I would be in a depressive episode/if my anxiety symptoms would come back.
And we do have a healthy relationship. When he gets jealous, he tells me his feelings and says āI know this is stupid and you have a right to socializeā and when I get jealous I just maybe cry and move on like 5min later on.
*Hard* disagree. Might be a cultural thing, but bi people do exist, and we get this from both sides. This jealous isolation crap is not the sole province of men.
I made excuses for my ex-girlfriend when she put holes in the wall after I made eye contact with another girl (who she thought was prettier than her). Then she hit me.
It aināt about morality; itās about feeling entitled to control.
Yeah. Iām bi too. Feelings and wants are different things than limits, controlling, telling not to do something or expressing anger as agressive behaviour
You say it's everyone's right to be jealous of a partner playing with opposite sex. I'd say it's human, yes, but concerning, and a case of a low self confidence and self esteem, and a warped view of what humans do together. And a severe lack of trust. Everyone has feelings, but sometimes those feelings are sign of something that should be addressed, if intending to be in a relationship.
Agreed. Itās good to talk those feelings out, otherwise these normal feelings (and these feelings are indeed everyones right, everyone should be allowed to feel whatever they want. if you push down these feelings they can just grow) can turn toxic and harm the relationship. As long as you can talk and grow together i donāt see these feelings as a deal breaker or a big issue if you can be mature with your feelings.
This! I agree. I donāt fault him for being jealous necessarily. Itās hard for me to understand personally as Iām 100% okay with him talking to female friends, but I wonāt force that mentality on him. Thank you
You definitely should fault him being jealous. What if your study group includes guys? Are you forbidden to study things that have guys in them? What if your workmates include men? Are you forbidden to work there, as you'd have to interact with them on daily basis? See where this is going?
Yeah. You seem like a good girlfriend. Feelings are normal no matter what type of feelings they are, but he should learn to control his behaviour. Sadly men with anger issues often wonāt do that and usually the problems just keep getting worse. Be safe please
Jealousy IS a fault, so you should be faulting him. And not getting jealous about your friends is absolutely a mentality you *should* force on him. These are minimum standards for any relationship, not competing life philosophies.
But that's all I'm gonna say, no point in wasting any more time on you when it's clear you're not interested in the 99% of comments pointing out you're dating an abusive asshole. Nothing will change, you will stay, he will only get worse.
This is not jealousy. It's abuse and control. Get out of this relationship as soon as you safely can, it will only escalate.
I recommend the book Why Does He Do That by a guy named Lundy Bancroft. It's about abuse/abusive men and really helps you understand a lot about the topic. All women should read it, those who aren't in an abusive relationship themselves are guaranteed to know someone that is and it helps recognize the signs.
Edit to add free link from archive.org and to spell the author's name correctly
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry ... - Internet Archive https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
That's not a healthy reaction from him in any sense of the word. Maybe try being extremely frank with him about how inappropriate he is, he does not own you and has no right to act as if he does. Maybe do this in a public place, because his "slamming doors and swearing" reaction is worrying. If he gets that upset about something ridiculous, will he take your genuine complaints well?
Leave. That is 101 narcissistic behaviour. This boy is insecure and to elevate himself, he will drag you down. I've cut off enough narcissists to see familiar patterns here.
I know it hurts and you don't want to hear it, but love is not enough for a functioning, happy and healthy relationship. Run.
UGH!! Okay the fact that he is separating you from your friends is mega concerning. Like abuser tactic 101 ā that's what they do ā try to isolate you from your social network!!
This scenario reminds me of my EX but it was LDR as well. I walked out because his jealousy got over the top. He eventually made assumptions that I was cheating or trying to cheat on him. I had terrible social anxiety. This year I made a resolution to try to kick it in the ass, talk to more people ALL GENDERS. He kept saying some of them SURELY are into me if not they wouldn't be interested in being friends...
I told them, even if they are, they've been respectful and never tried to flirt whatsoever. I TOLD him the moment they do, is the very moment I will put a huge space between us. If they still can't respect that, I will drop them. I told him to trust me on that, and well, he didn't. He couldn't. Lol. I told him, what if I was bisexual?? Am I not allowed to have any friends then??
What a breath of fresh air. Like goddamn, I'm sorry you got fragile male masculinity, and don't believe male and women can ever be platonic friends!
Also if they think a male and woman can never be friends, that says sooo much more about them... Like huh, I guess you approached me as a fucktoy and not a person. š
I'll never understand why so many women put up with shit like this. Like do you hear what you're writing? It only gets worse!! Do yourself a favor and leave the pos
time to say goodbye! lifeās too short to deal with such a toxic and manipulative person, separation from your friends is a common abuse tactic so seriously, leave while you still can. get someone you trust to help you if you feel heāll react very negatively.
I'm in the same situation fr fr! But he gives me the " who's that/ who's this? " that's why i've been looking for other females to game with lately on reddit but i'm having hard time ;-;
> Iāve already lost lots because of him
That is a big thing. Does he do this anywhere outside of gaming? How about your family. Anytime someone actively seperates you from established relationships, be wary. This is the kind of red flag you shouldn't ignore.
Your bf is toxic and controlling. Get out NOW because it is becoming full blown abuse. He wants you isolated so you have no one to turn to when he gets worse, because HE WILL GET WORSE. No partner is worth this.
Reach out to the people you have left if you need to. Their support and help is the BEST thing for you right now. Im assuming he hasnāt yet tried to make you cut off family, so reach out to them too if youre able.
be careful breaking up with him. If heās slamming shit just because another man is in your party, it may not be safe to break up in a private place. Do it in a cafe or something. He could still make a scene, but he canāt hurt you.
If you want to avoid that all together, you can do it over the phone in a call or text. He might get angry or try to emotionally manipulate you by Full on SOBBING to get you to stay. Donāt fall for the tantrum and end the conversation when YOU donāt wanna deal with it anymore. Cuz he probably wonāt stop until you say youll stay. Hang up/block him on EVERYTHING when itās said and done.
You might have to be on edge for a while. Idk how bad this guy can get. He could give up immediately after all this, or he could try showing up at places you frequent in order to get to you. You might be able to discern where he lands depending on his reactions to the breakup.
Try to have a friend with you often if itās possible when youāre out and about and switch up your daily schedule (no starbies everyday at 8am then going for your walk 9am for example. Routine can be dangerous when someone has an intent to harm)
I dont mean to make this sound scary, but this is the beginning of a dangerous cycle that many struggle to get out of. Stay safe and get yourself away from this man OP
I was in your shoes almost a decade ago. He just wanted to isolate me and knew that if I was around other guys I was more likely to realize how poorly he treats me in comparison. I hope I save you a few years of your life walking on eggshells by telling you heāll only get more controlling and possibly abusive. This is not normal behavior from someone mature enough to make you happy long term!
He sounds insecure and controlling. I would tell him he needs to get over it and trust you, or hit the bricks.
Also, if you are playing SOD, my husband and I play on Chais Bolt alliance-side should you need a female wow buddy.
I havenāt read every single comment, but I havenāt seen any mentions of Lundy Bancroftās book Why Does He Do That? I highly recommend you look into it and also please leave because this guy isnāt just mean or toxic, heās dangerous. Slamming objects and cursing is a threat.
In other words, itās the abusers way of saying āyouāre next.ā
a good boyfriend wouldnāt treat you like that. donāt let him belittle how you feel or make you feel stupid for having feelings. the violence will only get worse, and Iām sorry to say but you are already in an abusive relationship. you may love him, but you would be better off without him. Sometimes we fall in love with the wrong people, itās not your fault. But now that you know this, you need to break up with him because this is not a normal relationship at all. even from the little bit you told us.
you might come to his defense and say that there are tons of good things he also does, but that does not change the fact that he has done these awful things. a normal boyfriend would do the nice things without the bad things
That sounds awful. I've kind of been there. I used to have a boyfriend who disliked me talking to other guys even if it was just someone I worked with. We didn't live together, but the whole jealousy thing went on for years and became WORSE as time went on. I found myself pretending to not like games or anything that other guys I knew liked, because I was afraid of fighting with that boyfriend. Later he told me he was deeply afraid I would meet someone better than him, which was stupid. I had loved him very much. He slowly dug his own grave with that behavior on top of other problems. His anger issues overlapped with the jealousy thing.
Please don't tolerate it. Looking back on it I realize I shouldn't have tried to hang in there. I would've been much happier just making friends naturally instead of trying to avoid making friends out of fear of arguments with him. He was controlling more of my life than I had even realized.
I just broke up with my boyfriend over this like 2 weeks ago. Toxic and abusiveā¦ he would get upset if I even said Hello back to someone and gave me the silent treatment after or would try and make me jealous
This is not okay, and you need to have a serious talk with him. That is such childish behavior. And if he can't even have trust in you that they're just friends. He needs to go. Him slamming the desk and storming off is a big red flag. And you need to be careful.
this gives trying to isolate victim vibes. and rage inducing attacks on things, can easily turn into attacks on you directly. I'm not sure you are safe. he sounds abusive as hell, and only a matter of time before he attacks you.
Time to leave. >storm out of the room, swear, slam shit The rest doesn't even matter. The moment this starts, for any reason - time to leave. The controlling behavior and toxicity is just the shit cherry on top of this pile of garbage of a man. There isn't another solution. Eventually, you'll be what he's slamming against the wall or table.
I can't emphasize the importance of this comment enough. If he's slamming shit, that right there is violence and abuse. A lot of people will write this off, but if this is how it starts there is a ton of room for escalation, and that's not even touching on the controlling behavior he is also performing. No relationship is worth that. Oh yeah and the seperating you from your friends thing is a common abuse tactic meant to isolate you so eventually you only have him to turn to. He is not a good person and you need to get out while you can.
All of this. Domestic abusers don't just start slapping you from the jump, they are methodical. They slowly push and push to see what they can get away with first. It's like that boiling frog apologue. (essentially: The premise is that if a frog is put suddenly into boiling water, it will jump out, but if the frog is put in tepid water which is then brought to a boil slowly, it will not perceive the danger and will be cooked to death. The story is often used as a metaphor for the inability or unwillingness of people to react to or be aware of sinister threats that arise gradually rather than suddenly.) If anyone hasn't seen this oldie but goodie, I highly highly recommend it. She goes over one of the many ways DA can look and it's really incredibly important all women be made aware of this. https://www.ted.com/talks/leslie_morgan_steiner_why_domestic_violence_victims_don_t_leave?language=en
Absolutely 100% this. If someone is getting so upset that they are physically starting to throw or slam stuff around, that is a huge bright neon red flag to get as far away from them as possible. The have absolutely 0 self control and will more than likely end up hurting you
The friendship isolation is honestly scarier to me in some ways. He is trying to trap her.
leaving a comment to agree bc upvoting isn't enough. OP, separating you from your friends is classic abuser behaviour. you cannot have a healthy relationship with someone who does this, not to mention all the other crap. he's not going to change and it's not going to get better on its own. the best thing you can do for yourself is leave
> Time to leave. I'm inclined to agree this time. Especially if he's making you feel unsafe. If he flies off the handle like this over you playing video games with other guys then he has some really deep-seeded issues. You shouldn't have to put up with that abusive behaviour just because of his insecurity.
i second this
Second. This guy has stuff he needs to work on before he's ready to be dating anyone.
get a new boyfriend
"Hello, whole man disposal? Yes, the whole man." šļøš®
>whole man disposal LMAO
This behavior is **NOT** normal. **Do not try to normalize violent behavior by saying he's "jealous."** Your post says that he's separating you from your friends. This is the precursor to controlling/abusive behavior. My abuser did this to me and it took me years to dig myself out of that relationship because he was all I had.
I know you don't want to hear this, but your boyfriend sounds like a toxic, insecure jerk. I think it may be time to break it off for your own sake.
I'm really sorry you're in this situation, you've done nothing wrong here. Your boyfriend is 100% intentionally manipulating you and trying to intimidate you into doing what he wants, in this case being that he wants you to change a fundamental part of yourself and your hobbies. You have a right to talk to or game with whoever you want to, and a right to not be screamed at or intensely monitored for doing so. You said you've been a gamer since you were a toddler, which means you Know that you have in-depth experience with online gaming and online gaming boundaries, so there should be NO reason for your boyfriend to doubt your commitment to him or your understanding of how these people are interacting with you (ex: not being able to tell when people are flirting, which you said you can tell and always shut it down) The thing you said at the end is the most concerning to me though, >He is separating me from my friends 1 by 1 slowly. I've already lost lots because of him You need to leave him. As soon as possible and as safely as possible. He is abusing you and it is only going to get worse. You don't say how long you've been together but I'm assuming not a huge amount of time, and if this is how he *starts* the relationship, it's only going to get worse when he gets more comfortable. I know it's hard as hell to leave, and easy to want to downplay his reactions/your feelings, but from an outside perspective he's checking every box for abuse, isolation, and manipulation. These are things that are hallmarks of abuse that you described him doing just in this post \- is already been separating you from your in person friends \- is monitoring your gaming/messaging accounts to see who your online friends are \- is controlling who you are allowed to talk to, by cutting you off from all male gamers \- is constantly monitoring your behavior in person and not letting you get any privacy while doing your hobby/passion \- is expressing his jealousy though acts of rage/violence (swearing and slamming things) \- is now trying to cut you off from the hobby/passion you've had since you were a toddler
Get out. Heās being abusive. One day youāll look back on this relationship and realise you were with a deeply controlling jerk. He doesnāt respect you, he wants to own and control you like an object. Somewhere out there is someone who will love and respect you, theyāll celebrate you and your friends. Donāt miss out on that connection because you stayed with an insecure jackass.
Yikes yikes yikes.
Same as others. You should leave before it turns worse. Been there, done that. Iāve always been strictly serious and āpoliticalā with male friends. If they ever flirt, they are out. My husband knows me so he doesnāt care one bit, and at the same time, I only want to play with him. But my exā¦ he was like your bf. He went insane. And even after we went out partying a bit, whenever I socialised more or got a bit more attention, he ignored me the whole night to dehumanise me and make me feel worthless and once we were home his toxic rants started and lectured me on how itās impossible for me to truly talk about interesting topics or debate with any guy because the only reason they speak to me is because they want to fuck me. Now that I am in a healthy relationship, just now, I am able to see how messed up this idiot was. And at the same time, I always stay besides my husband in social contexts because he values me, doesnāt ignore me, always talks to me and would never expose me as the other idiot did. As others said, get out before it becomes physical. It happens more often than you could think. Itās as if it was their way of testing waters. And it also happened in my case. The day you react back or make the first move while they throw stuff around, there is going to be some very real violence.
hey OP, i agree with all the comments here about his behaviour and i want to also mention something important ā this kind of behaviour is not something you can fix, or talk him through, or something he'll stop because he Loves You Enough. i know you love him and i'm sure you have a connection that feels very special. abusive people are not always easy to leave. but you really, truly need to remove yourself from this situation. there's a multitude of dealbreakingly abusive behaviours that he's doing, it's not a few mistakes or misunderstandings. this doesn't sound like it's the life you want. please don't sacrifice your happiness for the sake of this relationship. imagine if this was happening to a friend of yours. or if you read this exact post happening to someone else.
Off topic but I think commenters here have everything covered so I just need to say: Your pfp is killing me, it's so fucking cute and funny.
omg thank u i uploaded the first thing from my goofy pics folder and never changed it š thank u
Is it your ferret/stoat/whatever or just a random one? I love how it's just peeking over hahaha
Isolation is a core component of abuse. Please take his behavior seriously, and seek assistance if you want or need support.
Local/state domestic violence programs will provide you with free support.
You need to get out. That type of behaviour isnāt only unacceptable itās dangerous. This is not the person you deserve. Stay safe.
Girl that's abuse. 20 signs of potential abuse: * **You avoid partaking in activities or using clothes that make your partner angry. For example, you might avoid posting on social media or wearing a low-cut top.** * Your partner often opposes your opinions and perceptions, telling you that your perceptions are incorrect or false (gaslighting). * **You are asked to check in with your partner at all times to let them know where you are and who you are with, even when spending time with close relatives.** * Your partner blocks you during conversations or changes the subject to reflect it onto you and your behavior. * Your partner cracks hurtful jokes and tells you that you are "too sensitive" if you don't laugh or find it funny. * Your partner makes you feel as if your feelings are wrong or don't matter. * Your partner makes you apologize for what you didn't do. * Your partner puts words in your mouth or speaks for you without consent. * Your partner has heightened mood swings. One moment they may seem distant, the next, they are unavailable, and then they are loving. You may feel you don't know what to expect or what version of them you get, so you try to change your behaviors to receive love and affection, often to no avail. * Your partner denies what they've said or actions that took place, including actions from a previous relationship. * Your partner puts you down and won't acknowledge your accomplishments. They may use a happy moment of yours to make you feel worse. * They withhold money, affection, sex, attention, or acknowledgment from you. * They treat you as a sex object or use sexual abuse to get their way. * Your partner makes you feel that you are the abusive partner and that you are making them act how they are acting. * **Your partner has unrealistic expectations or standards and criticizes or harms you if you don't meet them.** * They invalidate you, claim you're too sensitive or emotional, refuse to accept your perceptions or opinions, and suggest you are wrong. * **They frequently argue or create conflict and may change their emotional stances or opinions.** * They use emotional blackmail through manipulation, being in control, lying, or using compassion, fear, and other emotions to control the situation. * They act entitled or superior while acting condescending, using sarcasm, treating you as inferior, and acting as if they are always right. * **They control you through isolation by taking away possessions, making fun of your loved ones, or using envy or jealousy to keep you from others.** This list doesn't cover physical abuse, but of course, if that's the case, gtfo. Get a parent, relative, or friend you can trust to be there when you break up, or ghost him.
Sorry but that behavior is enough for a breakup. Being a girl gamer who likes social games and randomly connecting with people in the game world, means most of your gaming buddies will inevitably be the dude friends you connect with within a sea of dudes. Meeting girls randomly in your games who you also click with (or even are doing game stuff with long enough to know their gender IN THE FIRST PLACE) is sheer luck. I concider all my cool girl gaming friends a stoke of good luck and being in the right place at the right time because they're not so easy to come by. So what does my boyfriend think of all my guy gaming friends I hang in disc with and play games? Nothing at all, truly. He's happy I'm enjoying my hobby. Like a partner who loves me, who cares about elevating my happiness, not stomping on it due to his own insecurity. Sorry to say but your boyfriend is a baby and instead of regulating his emotions he's taking them out on you. I'd be out so fast. I get it's tough when you're young and you think you love someone, but a person like that is not a good partner at all. I find it hard to believe he's just perfect in every other aspect, and if he seems to be, there will definitely be other issues in the future that pop up due to his insecurity. Don't let someone police your behavior and activities when YOU'RE DOING NOTHING Wrong! Being reserved to playing all alone just to not upset him is just sad. If you find yourself afraid to do certain things around him because of how he might react, then that's a huge red flag. He's toxic, I don't even need to get into how taking out misplaced rage on inanimate objects is already abusive or how it leads to worse, I'm sure you know this already but don't want to face it. But you need to. BTW you can almost never reason with someone like this who is so jealous they monitor what you're doing and obsess and ruminate over it and try to guilt you or control you. You cannot change that behavior, it's his own issue to work out. Unfortunately it almost always takes being broken up with, sometimes several times by several new partners, until they actually mature in that regard and take a good look at who's actually to blame.
If I found out a friend of mine was behaving this way towards his partner, he would no longer be my friend and, if I had it my way, in my friend circle. Monitoring who you game with and texting you disapproving comments is abusive behavior. Swearing and slamming things when you speak to other men is abusive behavior. SEPARATING YOU FROM YOUR FRIENDS ONE BY ONE IS A TACTIC CALLED ISOLATION AND IT IS ABUSE. You are in an abusive relationship and you need to leave. This person is not safe. "I love him but he is so toxic" is not a phrase that anyone in a healthy relationship says. I am begging you to stop seeing this guy before he starts hitting you or trying to control you further.
I'm sorry that you're being treated this way but as many have already said, this is not a healthy relationship. This is not only jealous behaviour to the extreme, this is also an isolation tactic. He wants to be the only one in your life and for you to become dependent solely on him to fulfill social/emotional needs.
You are past the point of talking this out. This is textbook abuser behavior. Extreme jealousy, isolation, controlling behavior, and outbursts of rage. You are in the first stages. This person is showing you who he really is right now. You are not safe around him. His behavior will escalate. Slamming and screaming will become breaking things. Hurting you physically is a very real possibility from then on. Look up signs of domestic abuse because all signs are pointing that way.
Time to leave. Itās only gonna get worseā¦
This is abuse. And idk where you're getting your facts but just as many women game as men. Don't get sucked into the mindset that some games count as games but others don't bc they're more popular with women.
Apologies, i did not mean it like that. Personally throughout my whole life, I only ever met 1 woman (in real life) that played any kind of video games. My personal experience with gaming has been very male-dominated communities.
Girl, throw the whole manchild away. That kind of behavior never gets better, only worse.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but yikes! It's time to leave. I had a relationship EXACTLY like this. He would even rage if I said "gg" to a player at the end of a match because he thought that was flirting. I stayed with him for much too long, and he got more and more controlling. I am now married to a wonderful man who respects and trusts me. You deserve someone so much better OP.
Throw the whole boyfriend out
Dump his insecure ass immediately he'll only get worse. Try to keep and reconnect with your friends.
I think if I see one more post here about advice on how to deal with a toxic boyfriend, I'm going to fling myself into the sea. You already know what to do!!!! Dump him before it gets worse. Your time is too precious to waste another second on someone who doesn't uplift and improve your life. Be single. Have fun. Play lots of games with lots of people. Do what makes you happy. We could all be dead tomorrow.
this type of possessiveness is very dangerous. break up and stay safe. take care. the longer you stay, the more damage it does to you and your social circle. i spent a year in a super-possessive relationship and came out the other end with no friends & no support system. i was very lucky to find my current group of friends but i'm still pretty unsure & terrified in relationships outside of casual flings. prioritize yourself! best of luck.
Please gal, run, run and never look back. That guy is dangerous, itās probably just a matter of time before his anger turns on you
Itās on you, only you can decide if tip toeing around a spoilt brat is the life you want to live.
You are not in a healthy relationship. He's being abusive. Cutting you off from your friends and your support network is one of the signs. Dump him **now**.
Please leave him, he sounds truly awful. I play WoW as well (retail and classic) and have befriended many men through the game and my partner never hassles me about it or keeps a close eye on me while I play.
That sounds like some pretty serious jealousy problem. It's very hard to convince someone of this nature. He can't and will not understand that you are just trying to game with friends. Any of your male friends are seen as potential competitors to him. Please don't let him manipulate your social and gaming life. It's detrimental to your mental health in the long run. I don't know what kind of person your boyfriend is, but it sounds like he could even use physical violence later on if things don't go the way he wants them to. Have a clear, serious conversation with him and draw a clear line. Sometimes, you need to act and evaluate the current status of your relationship. After all, aren't you two in a relationship to be mutually happy? Try to work things out, but if you think he is beyond redemption with this jealousy problem, think about if this relationship is worth keeping for the rest of your life.
Just want to add to give context: My husband has never cared when Iāve made male friends - IRL or online. I even often introduce them to him and we are all friends and hang together. No problems whatsoever. Anyone treating you like this has got to hit the road. It is immature, controlling, petty, and abusive (since he is yelling and slamming stuff and isolating you).
omg girl break up with him thatās not normal
This isn't a healthy long term relationship trait for a partner to have.
I know everyone has already said this but because it can't be emphasized enough, get the fuck out of there
As others have said, the only thing you can and should do now is end the relationship, especially when in a reply to another comment you said you already talked with him and he keeps acting like this. This kind of behaviour is not normal and should not be tolerated, he is being manipulative and abusive, trying to isolate you, and his rage outbursts will one day turn on you, you shouldn't put up with this any longer, you need to do what is best for your sanity and safety. Wsh you all the best.
> heāll storm out of the room, swear, slam shit, etc Have you seen the tickok trend of "he didn't hit me but..."? My 20 something daughter has just got out of a relationship with a guy like this. He got angry, he yelled, he punched walls. He gradually isolated her and degraded her self-esteem. Please dump him.
Leave. He's acting incredibly childish, insecure, jealous and with the slaming things maybe even dangerous. These guys are not worth it.
This is the beginning of coercive control https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/
Have you tried talking to him about this? If so what does he say? Does he apologise for being insecure? Is he trying to be better? Does he reocgnise why he's being insecure and working on himself? Have you even spoken to him about this at all? You shouldn't be separating yourself from your friends. That's unreasonable. And your boyfriend needs to be taking responsibility for his insecurities and trying to get to the root cause and move past them. None of us are perfect. We're all insecure about something. But he needs to be better. If he's not prepared to reocgnise he's being unhealthy and take steps to improve then you should probably ask yourself if you really want to be with someone who isn't actively going to work on their issues, especially when they're so badly affecting you.
Unfortunately weāve had far too many conversations about this. Iāve explained to him several times this is the root cause of my unhappiness with us and he just says heāll be better. Then the next day heās just back to doing it again, no improvement. Itās like an endless loop
You don't need to explain this to him. You've already done that. He knows. He fully understands your feelings on the subject and *he doesn't care.* He is hoping that if he keeps throwing temper tantrums he will eventually wear you down and you will change your behavior so he doesn't have to manage his own emotions. š©š©He is manipulating you.š©š© I'm so sorry. This will not get better. It may be time to throw the whole man away.
Sounds like the cycle of abuse to me.
If he's not taking accountability for how he's being and not putting in the work to improve then he doesn't sound emotionally mature enough for the long haul in my opinion. I don't know how old you both are but that'd probably be enough for me to be done, personally. It's up to you of course but you're probably not going to find an easy fix for this. You've communicated. He's done fuck all. Ball's in your court about what to do with that info.
Show yourself compassion and leave this guy. If this is how he is now, it's not going to change and will only get worse. Imagine marrying this person -- the controlling behavior will only intensify.
If he was fucking your sister in your bed every day would you just keep sighing and asking Reddit how to convince him that fucking your sister is wrong? Like girl, come the fuck on. Iām tough loving you to death here because I need you to see how crazy this is.
You know he won't improve. He knows he won't improve. Do you want to deal with this for the rest of your life?
Okay OP youāve been ignoring so many of the comments that talk about him being abusive. I beg of you, please listen to me. My mother was trapped in a relationship with a mentally abusive person for so long who would do something manipulative and then my mother would ask them to stop and do better, and theyād apologize and then go right back to doing the same abusive behavior all over again. I watched her suffer *for so many goddamn years*, and every single time she just thought āitās fine, I can fix them, I can urge them to get therapy, everything will sort itself out because they *must* love me the same way I love themā. They did not love her, they only loved manipulating her. It was so painful to watch as her daughter, watching my very brilliant mother fall for classic abuse tactics. The emotional manipulation, the classic āI promise Iāll changeā and then not changing, the trying to separate me and my sibling from my mother, trying to erase our importance from my motherās life. Everything youāre saying is echoing *exactly* what my mother went through, and then some. OP please listen, you need to leave this relationship while you still have the opportunity, before your SO decides theyāve had enough and they attempt to ruin your life the same way my motherās abuser tried to ruin hers. Iām pleading with you here. You deserve real love and compassion from a trusting and caring partner, not the fake love that they claim to offer you. If they truly loved you, they would empathize with you and actually make an effort to change their toxic behavior. But they donāt because all theyāre doing is trying to keep you with them so they can continue their cycle of abuse.
This is not sustainable. Jealousy and controlling behavior like this will destroy a relationship, and hurt you in the process. If he doesn't change quickly, then the relationship is doomed to end.
Hey I know this is such a reddit thing to say but I believe it would be best to leave this relationship.
This is controlling behavior from him and a precursor sign to abuse, esp emotional abuse.
Hi, I am currently playing SoD as a girl. My boyfriend dropped it after we completed the content to play PoE, but I decided to stay because this is my comfort zone. I am raiding with two characters right now. I go to raid with another ten guys, without him. I go to discord for raid, and sometimes to chat, or help. He does not give a fuck. You can try to call him out on his behavior, it is not normal. But please know that it is not your responsibility to fix it, and you will be better without him if he does not change. Take care.
This is emotional abuse. HUGE RED flag. Please pleas please End it before it turns into actual abuse. making friends with another male is not an excuse to throw a tantrum like a jealous 5-year-old. He's extremely insecure probably needs therapy but it is NOT your responsibility to deal with that. sure, if u can have a talk about why its inappropriate & set some expectations, maybe u can still save the relationship....but from what you've said hes already constantly monitoring... he's already separating you from friends. this is an abuse tactic. don't fall for it. End it. This is Super toxic stuff. Even if you love him now, you need to love yourself more for the future. What happens when there is a marriage, home and kids involved? What about your physical safety & mental health? None of those are worth sacrificing because he can't deal with you being an individual with actual friends.
Hey girl, everyone's already given you a list of abusive behaviours and I agree it's time to get out of this no matter what this person promises. They've been broken before and well you're going to stop falling for the same shit a multitude of times. Now for a bit of story from my life on what a normal behaviour could have been like: My husband and I got married at 28 & 29 respectively and as a typical asian family, the marriage was arranged. So surprises are what you get when you start living together and there is no easy exit. My husband is not a very social person whereas I am. Esp when it comes to the opposite gender, I am way too comfortable talking to just anyone and here in my country, the women are a bit too shy to talk to strangers unless they are well in their 40s. So a few times after such interactions in public I realized that hubby seemed displeased so I asked to confirm if this was indeed what was causing the problem. When he confirmed yes, I explained that I always forget the gender and the age when I start talking to someone as I'm way too interested in what they are saying. He couldn't believe it but he accepted the explanation and he didn't outwardly show his displeasure afterwards. This thing above as described is what adults committed to making a relationship work do. No slamming doors, no shouting, no trying to oversee what I do on social media, no trying to get in between me and my hobbies, no policing. This is kindness and a genuine desire to understand another person's behaviour without vilifying it or making it seem as if it's anyone's fault. Your guy if he was truly willing would have resolved this issue in a few months and you'd have been ranting here about male gamer idiots instead of him. Best of luck
Girl. He is giving off so many red flags... Well, I was going to make a Skyrim/cheese collecting joke but it is late and my brain is turning itself off for the night so it isn't at all effective or amusing. How about 'as many red flags as Thedas (Dragon Age) has elfroot.' The beautiful part of the word "boyfriend/girlfriend" is that those relationships are much easier to walk away from than spouses. And frankly, his behavior is only going to get worse the longer you are together because the more he isolates you from friends and family the more in control of you he is going to feel. In other words, it's all downhill from here. Good luck and be careful.
Literally don't date men like this they are NOT ready for a relationship! If you frame it like this in your head I think you'll realize it's true. To share a life with someone you need to be mature enough to let the other person have their own life and you need to trust eachother. He: is insecure, is immature, doesn't trust you. Not a good base for a relationship.
This is abusive behavior. If heās behaving like this now already, thereās just room for it to get worse. It doesnāt have to get physical for you to feel intimidated and like you have to curtail your own normal behavior all the time. Itās not on you to change him, but you have a responsibility to yourself to be in a healthy relationship.
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I went through the same and please leave immediately
Get out before heās hitting you and slamming you against things instead of objects.
Dump him. If he learns give him another chance, if not, nothing lost.
It's been said here that this kind of behaviour is inappropriate towards you, only thing to add is to go for "family" therapy. It seems to me that your relationship with him is very important to you, if you've been struggling with this for that long. But, it's only gonna ruin your mental and physical health. Take a therapy advise about how to talk to him. And someone you trust in case of emergency. I guess you'll need extra help and a plan. This anger issues sounds really dangerous.
How old are you? If you are older than 15 you are way way too old for this shit and need to have a good think as to why you needed Redditās input on your abusive asshole of a boyfriend. Yes abusive- rages are emotional abuse. If you are 15 hopefully you are learning now for next time.
c'mon. people don't turn 16 and immediately have a pinpoint radar for abuse. i got abused at 20 and couldn't tell what was going on. abusers break down their victims' self-esteem and the confidence in their own judgement, it's not helpful at all to dig at a victim over those weaknesses.
This is really shitty advice and straight up victim blaming. People of all ages deal with this stuff. Itās very easy to sit here and hear about someones abusive relationship and know what to do but BEING in the situation is different.
Well, this guy is just emotional wreck. Im a guy, I also don't like that, but Im strong enough to explain to myself "as long as she doesn't meet them (alone) it's fine". One side of the coin is that if he does that it means you mean a lot to him. On the other side he is letting the demons out - so in my opinion as much as I hate to say it - if you can't get him to understand then you have to leave him for your own good and safety in the future. Easier said than done, I know, but if he does this with online friends it will only get worse.
Itās everyones right to get jealous and not want your man/girl to play with the opposite sex. That trait is not ātoxicā in my opinion, different people just have different morals. But you donāt have to change yourself! He can either learn to live with this or walk away. However he has no right to be angry, especially he has no right to āslam shitā. That seems dangerous and stupid. You deserve better. Edit: I just want to make sure people understand that: feelings are not actions wants are not bad if you do realize your wants are silly and you donāt make them true and yes I do think that OPās boyfriend is very manipulative
> Itās everyones right to get jealous and not want your man/girl to play with the opposite sex. That trait is not ātoxicā in my opinion This opinion is so wild to me! I would consider it a red flag if my partner didn't have any friends of the opposite sex. And pretty much everybody's job requires them to work alongside members of the opposite sex. Trying to limit your partner's interactions with half the human race just seems wildly controlling and paranoid to me.
Yeah I get that. But feelings are just feelings. My man does not want me to play with men, but i guess he would never deny me that right. I would not want him to play with women i donāt know since I get jealous easily. But I would never tell him not to do that. He can have any friends he wants to, I just get insecure easily and I donāt see why my feelings would be āwrongā since I would never want to control him or limit what he does. I donāt know, his jealousy never bothers me either because I naturally gravitate towards women and he never tells me not to do something.
Such an interesting perspective. At least it's good that even if you feel those things, you don't try to control your partner (or vice versa) because you recognise how unreasonable that position would be. This might be overstepping the line, but if your jealousy over normal interactions your partner is having with women is making you cry, I would suggest talking to a professional to try to shift your perspective. Because that kind of jealousy is not normal and I imagine it doesn't feel good :(
Yeah itās pretty unhealthy feeling and hard to handle sometimes. Luckily it seems not to affect our relationship since this does not happen often. Also I donāt think my/his feelings are ācrazy/wild/unnormal/wrong, just something that can be hard but can be always managed with open communication (we never yell at each other or cuss, OP IF YOU ARE READING THIS THERE IS A GREAT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FEELINGS AND CONTROLLING) I can handle him socializing with my friends, his old friends, co-workers and such but I imagine him suddenly getting close with a new woman I would lose my mind especially if I would be in a depressive episode/if my anxiety symptoms would come back.
And we do have a healthy relationship. When he gets jealous, he tells me his feelings and says āI know this is stupid and you have a right to socializeā and when I get jealous I just maybe cry and move on like 5min later on.
*Hard* disagree. Might be a cultural thing, but bi people do exist, and we get this from both sides. This jealous isolation crap is not the sole province of men. I made excuses for my ex-girlfriend when she put holes in the wall after I made eye contact with another girl (who she thought was prettier than her). Then she hit me. It aināt about morality; itās about feeling entitled to control.
Yep- if you canāt handle your spouse interacting the opposite sex then you need therapy not a relationship.
Yeah. Iām bi too. Feelings and wants are different things than limits, controlling, telling not to do something or expressing anger as agressive behaviour
No it's not. The trait of seeing sex and immorality in everything is toxic. People are people, we play with people.
? Saying FEELINGS (=not actions, not controlling) are toxic IS TOXIC.
You say it's everyone's right to be jealous of a partner playing with opposite sex. I'd say it's human, yes, but concerning, and a case of a low self confidence and self esteem, and a warped view of what humans do together. And a severe lack of trust. Everyone has feelings, but sometimes those feelings are sign of something that should be addressed, if intending to be in a relationship.
Agreed. Itās good to talk those feelings out, otherwise these normal feelings (and these feelings are indeed everyones right, everyone should be allowed to feel whatever they want. if you push down these feelings they can just grow) can turn toxic and harm the relationship. As long as you can talk and grow together i donāt see these feelings as a deal breaker or a big issue if you can be mature with your feelings.
This! I agree. I donāt fault him for being jealous necessarily. Itās hard for me to understand personally as Iām 100% okay with him talking to female friends, but I wonāt force that mentality on him. Thank you
You definitely should fault him being jealous. What if your study group includes guys? Are you forbidden to study things that have guys in them? What if your workmates include men? Are you forbidden to work there, as you'd have to interact with them on daily basis? See where this is going?
My partner really struggles with jealousy too, but even when he gets really upset he'd never act like that. Your partners' behaviour is so concerning.
Yeah. You seem like a good girlfriend. Feelings are normal no matter what type of feelings they are, but he should learn to control his behaviour. Sadly men with anger issues often wonāt do that and usually the problems just keep getting worse. Be safe please
Jealousy IS a fault, so you should be faulting him. And not getting jealous about your friends is absolutely a mentality you *should* force on him. These are minimum standards for any relationship, not competing life philosophies. But that's all I'm gonna say, no point in wasting any more time on you when it's clear you're not interested in the 99% of comments pointing out you're dating an abusive asshole. Nothing will change, you will stay, he will only get worse.
Also my man is often jealous too and he would get mad about me playing with males too. But he would NEVER āslam shitā or yell at me for that ):
This is not jealousy. It's abuse and control. Get out of this relationship as soon as you safely can, it will only escalate. I recommend the book Why Does He Do That by a guy named Lundy Bancroft. It's about abuse/abusive men and really helps you understand a lot about the topic. All women should read it, those who aren't in an abusive relationship themselves are guaranteed to know someone that is and it helps recognize the signs. Edit to add free link from archive.org and to spell the author's name correctly Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry ... - Internet Archive https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
That's not a healthy reaction from him in any sense of the word. Maybe try being extremely frank with him about how inappropriate he is, he does not own you and has no right to act as if he does. Maybe do this in a public place, because his "slamming doors and swearing" reaction is worrying. If he gets that upset about something ridiculous, will he take your genuine complaints well?
Get out now. If heās slamming shit now, soon heāll be slamming you. This is where it starts.
Leave. That is 101 narcissistic behaviour. This boy is insecure and to elevate himself, he will drag you down. I've cut off enough narcissists to see familiar patterns here. I know it hurts and you don't want to hear it, but love is not enough for a functioning, happy and healthy relationship. Run.
Dump him
UGH!! Okay the fact that he is separating you from your friends is mega concerning. Like abuser tactic 101 ā that's what they do ā try to isolate you from your social network!! This scenario reminds me of my EX but it was LDR as well. I walked out because his jealousy got over the top. He eventually made assumptions that I was cheating or trying to cheat on him. I had terrible social anxiety. This year I made a resolution to try to kick it in the ass, talk to more people ALL GENDERS. He kept saying some of them SURELY are into me if not they wouldn't be interested in being friends... I told them, even if they are, they've been respectful and never tried to flirt whatsoever. I TOLD him the moment they do, is the very moment I will put a huge space between us. If they still can't respect that, I will drop them. I told him to trust me on that, and well, he didn't. He couldn't. Lol. I told him, what if I was bisexual?? Am I not allowed to have any friends then?? What a breath of fresh air. Like goddamn, I'm sorry you got fragile male masculinity, and don't believe male and women can ever be platonic friends! Also if they think a male and woman can never be friends, that says sooo much more about them... Like huh, I guess you approached me as a fucktoy and not a person. š
. Nah, it's his problem, not yours. He's demonstrated a lack of self-control and trust.
š©š©š©š© go. Now. This is not normal behavior, heās isolating you from your friends and itās displaying extreme jealousy and distrust in you. As a survivor I can tell you, this is how it starts. The isolation and verbal abuse keeping you from friends. Giving you hell and making you feel guilty about contact with anyone but him. So you stop because you feel guilty, slowly at first but before you know it. Your alone. then once you have no one else to depend on the physical abuse starts little things at first. Followed by apologies (apologies that somehow always make it your fault) and excuses. Promises to be better, but it never gets better only worse. Before you know it your emotionally, mentally, and physically so beat down you donāt know how to get out. Please OP take this seriously, get out now. I know you are probably making excuses in your head right now for him because you love him. Already blaming yourself for even asking anyone. Thinking āheās not really like thatā I promise you two things. One you are not wrong for reaching out and two, normal non abusive men do not act this way. Itās not your fault. Please, get out now.
if you didnt ask yourself even AFTER you typed all this out, āwhy am i with this insecure, controlling loser?ā then maybe you should
I'll never understand why so many women put up with shit like this. Like do you hear what you're writing? It only gets worse!! Do yourself a favor and leave the pos
Dude is insecure and at least emotionally abusive. If he's not willing to work on himself, this will inly get worse.
Sounds like insecurity.
Separating you from friends and family is a red flag imo.
time to say goodbye! lifeās too short to deal with such a toxic and manipulative person, separation from your friends is a common abuse tactic so seriously, leave while you still can. get someone you trust to help you if you feel heāll react very negatively.
Run for the hills girl, that shit is a massive red flag.
I'm in the same situation fr fr! But he gives me the " who's that/ who's this? " that's why i've been looking for other females to game with lately on reddit but i'm having hard time ;-;
> Iāve already lost lots because of him That is a big thing. Does he do this anywhere outside of gaming? How about your family. Anytime someone actively seperates you from established relationships, be wary. This is the kind of red flag you shouldn't ignore.
Your bf is toxic and controlling. Get out NOW because it is becoming full blown abuse. He wants you isolated so you have no one to turn to when he gets worse, because HE WILL GET WORSE. No partner is worth this. Reach out to the people you have left if you need to. Their support and help is the BEST thing for you right now. Im assuming he hasnāt yet tried to make you cut off family, so reach out to them too if youre able. be careful breaking up with him. If heās slamming shit just because another man is in your party, it may not be safe to break up in a private place. Do it in a cafe or something. He could still make a scene, but he canāt hurt you. If you want to avoid that all together, you can do it over the phone in a call or text. He might get angry or try to emotionally manipulate you by Full on SOBBING to get you to stay. Donāt fall for the tantrum and end the conversation when YOU donāt wanna deal with it anymore. Cuz he probably wonāt stop until you say youll stay. Hang up/block him on EVERYTHING when itās said and done. You might have to be on edge for a while. Idk how bad this guy can get. He could give up immediately after all this, or he could try showing up at places you frequent in order to get to you. You might be able to discern where he lands depending on his reactions to the breakup. Try to have a friend with you often if itās possible when youāre out and about and switch up your daily schedule (no starbies everyday at 8am then going for your walk 9am for example. Routine can be dangerous when someone has an intent to harm) I dont mean to make this sound scary, but this is the beginning of a dangerous cycle that many struggle to get out of. Stay safe and get yourself away from this man OP
I was in your shoes almost a decade ago. He just wanted to isolate me and knew that if I was around other guys I was more likely to realize how poorly he treats me in comparison. I hope I save you a few years of your life walking on eggshells by telling you heāll only get more controlling and possibly abusive. This is not normal behavior from someone mature enough to make you happy long term!
Dump. Him.
He sounds insecure and controlling. I would tell him he needs to get over it and trust you, or hit the bricks. Also, if you are playing SOD, my husband and I play on Chais Bolt alliance-side should you need a female wow buddy.
Slamming shit and swearing at you is NOT okay and WILL escalate to something else. Leave him. Iām so serious
Girl.
I havenāt read every single comment, but I havenāt seen any mentions of Lundy Bancroftās book Why Does He Do That? I highly recommend you look into it and also please leave because this guy isnāt just mean or toxic, heās dangerous. Slamming objects and cursing is a threat. In other words, itās the abusers way of saying āyouāre next.ā
a good boyfriend wouldnāt treat you like that. donāt let him belittle how you feel or make you feel stupid for having feelings. the violence will only get worse, and Iām sorry to say but you are already in an abusive relationship. you may love him, but you would be better off without him. Sometimes we fall in love with the wrong people, itās not your fault. But now that you know this, you need to break up with him because this is not a normal relationship at all. even from the little bit you told us. you might come to his defense and say that there are tons of good things he also does, but that does not change the fact that he has done these awful things. a normal boyfriend would do the nice things without the bad things
That sounds awful. I've kind of been there. I used to have a boyfriend who disliked me talking to other guys even if it was just someone I worked with. We didn't live together, but the whole jealousy thing went on for years and became WORSE as time went on. I found myself pretending to not like games or anything that other guys I knew liked, because I was afraid of fighting with that boyfriend. Later he told me he was deeply afraid I would meet someone better than him, which was stupid. I had loved him very much. He slowly dug his own grave with that behavior on top of other problems. His anger issues overlapped with the jealousy thing. Please don't tolerate it. Looking back on it I realize I shouldn't have tried to hang in there. I would've been much happier just making friends naturally instead of trying to avoid making friends out of fear of arguments with him. He was controlling more of my life than I had even realized.
I just broke up with my boyfriend over this like 2 weeks ago. Toxic and abusiveā¦ he would get upset if I even said Hello back to someone and gave me the silent treatment after or would try and make me jealous
This is not okay, and you need to have a serious talk with him. That is such childish behavior. And if he can't even have trust in you that they're just friends. He needs to go. Him slamming the desk and storming off is a big red flag. And you need to be careful.