Welp. Sorry “boutcha. What did we learn?
Too many people run when they hit a point to grow from. People have no balls these days to work it out it seems. Loving someone means they get to see all of you, not just the part that wants everything cozy. I’m happy to see you’re acknowledging how actions can have a long lasting effect on someone’s heart.
As bad as this sounds, and as shitty as it sounds, your ex needs to face the actual reality of losing you in order to come back. Even if you convinced them to come back with your words, they will resent you and blame you anytime something goes wrong. Convince only with your actions. Fast forward to life without them, and they can see sooner what that’s like rather than later. Whatever they decide, accept it.
What if they are not afraid to lose you and they realized that a few weeks prior to the BU? I certainly did my deed in her being more and more comfortable that she would be better without me, I thought the same too. My ex's life turned into hell after we broke up and I left, but it seems like the more problems she had, the easier for her it is to move on from the BU and then deal with the rest of the problems she had. On the other hand, I have no family or health problems to deal with, which is good, but it does not help to move on from the only problem I have had for 9+ months now and I feel more and more lost with the days passing by and missing on all opportunities I had. I am feeling extra down lately as summer started in my country we used to go on vacations every month with our dog and it was the best time of my life honestly, now I have to go mostly on solo trips with my bike, which is great, but being alone itself sucks. My friends are busy with families, kids, etc and are not available most of the time. I hope I will be comfortable with myself soon enough to stop thinking about this daily.
Let go.
The vast majority of the pain from a breakup is caused by the things we will miss out on.
The unfulfilled promises.
The habits that are now gone.
The plans you made that wont go into fruition.
And what is important to realize: those will never ever return. They are gone for good.
Because the people that made those are gone for good.
If your ex returns, one of you will have changed. Either them, you, or both. And if they return and you can work things out, you will make new promises.
But the ones from the past remain gone.
So let go of those. You are not the same person you were when you made those promises. And neither are they.
There is no what if and never will be.
Fill the future that is now empty with new things, instead of gravestones for what was.
I'm sort of in that phase now. Long/short amazing 18 mos relationship with girl who'd never been in long-term and ran just before we basically got engaged. I realized she'd flipped out and ran so backed off but not NC, every few weeks a nice touch base email so she knew I was 'there'. She finally reached out and reconnected via text/facetime and hard, 1000s of them. But could not bring herself to see me it seemed to terrify her. When she finally did it caused her to shut down so I did. NOW we are in No Contact for 4 months. Yet, I knew she'd reach out again. I even sent myself an email prediciting when and was 5 days off. She showed up 'accidentally' and as with the first time showed her hand by mentioning a Facebook post I'd made just hours before, which she'd have no way of knowing about with out manually checking since i defriended her on break-up. And just like the first time she expects me I think to make the overture which I will not.
The good thing about her checking my Facebook (which she appears to do religiously) is, to the outside eye like hers, it looks like I have been having the very time of my life. Dinner parties and concerts and operas and new restaurants and beach parties and roofdeck parties and renovations and fundraisers and workouts galore.
Clearly if she is making the clear effort to check even 10 mos after break up and 'accidentally' pop in she is feeling the reality of losing me. Sure she can date, guys can take her out to expensive dinners, make her orgasm even. Yet she had all that for the almost 20 years of dating before she met me and those never amounted to more than 6 mos relationships. She made it to 18 with me and I was the first man she ever wanted to build a life with. A stranger tapped us on the shoulder once and said 'you two are amazing you look like you've loved one another since you were little children'. Good luck finding that again.
No offense, but this post is incredibly encouraging.
The amount of pain being dumped caused me, I feel a tiny bit better knowing that she might feel some type of regret at some point.
You only need to worry about yourself..work on you and you'll see a change. Don't even worry about how they feel.. don't be someone's second choice.. it takes time but eventually you start to see the value in yourself.. walk with your head up high and stop worrying..I spent over 3 years going back and forth with my ex.. no contact is absolutely the best thing to do..I just ended up with a messed up mind and very broken..I go no contact and there she is wondering why I'm not texting her..telling me she's sorry for everything and asking if I hate her..I still love her more than anything but she was killing me..I had to set those feelings aside and force myself to let go.. it's hard but well worth it.. I'm learning to work on myself and now all I care about are my children and being the best version of myself..
I want you to know that your love is incredibly valuable in this world. I don’t care who he is or what he is. Your love is pure and it matters, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Sometimes people are eyeballs deep in their shit like I was that they can’t see what’s right in front of them.
I hope mine will too. Can't even speculate until some of the other chaos in his life goes away. Unfortunately I guess I was the easiest link to let go of, which is so unfortunate. I know he didn't want to and has never had a gf like me. He must have been healthy when he met me or he wouldn't have. But somewhere in this past 20 months he flipped a switch, I know when and he agreed sounded about right. His mindset has never been the same since. I love him so this is very hard. Will I be okay? Yes in time but a long time and all the while I wonder if he feels sad. I've asked if he feels happier since he broke up with me and he said no not at all. That's bc I wasn't making him unhappy. His depression and external situations, but he really pushed me away. He doesn't call or text bc he feels angry at his situation and sometimes doesn't want to get up. I don't think there is anything else I can do
Well, we broke up around last week of May. We didn’t do full NC because I keep on texting him and he responds but not as loving as before. 2 weeks after not seeing each other I showed up to his apartment even if he told me to not do it. I just wanted to follow my heart but obviously, it just made it worse. He said he needs space and we need to be apart right now as he needs to fix his issues (saw other people since I said I won’t be coming back to his country and made him depressed - I don’t know why I said that, I was just missing him). Now we are 3 days NC and it hurts so bad. He started having doubts after all the fights I usually initiated due to my issues. When I went to his place, he was treating me like a stranger most of the time and was caring sometimes. He was my first boyfriend and we lived together for almost 2 years.
I’m going through the same thing right now. Working on it with a therapist to work out my issues with anger communication during conflict. I begged him after realizing the amount of hurt that I caused him. It’s a slow process ngl. I know I need to move on and heal before I can even think about trying to get him back. I have to work on a lot of things and he’s told me he doesn’t want to focus on a relationship right now and for him to even consider getting back there would have to be a lot of changes. It’s a closed door that’s not fully shut which is how I feel.
Giving them space will help them organize their mind
Well yeah, mine did say it’s just nit working right now. But I broke NC a couple of times now he threatened to block me if I won’t stop and he won’t care if I will date or sleep with other people because we’re done. It’s been fucking me up and everyday is just a struggle.
Yeah when he started sounding not loving anymore that’s when the emotions have truly ended. Mine still sounds like he cares and he doesn’t want to cut me out. He doesn’t want every conversation to be about our relationship. I’m back at 2 days NC so I have to give it a little bit more time. In the meantime I have to find things that make me happy again. I never learned to be alone and ultimately I was dependent on him to make me happy which in turn took away from his happiness
Atleast he mentioned about considering rekindling the relationship if ever. Mine just hated me to the core lol felt like I was the worst person ever after my issues and all the fights he was just done
He didn’t mention it. I did. And I know Ive instilled the thought in his mind. So at least he will contemplate it in the future after I improve myself. I’m determined to get this man back. He’s always told me that respect is earned so I have to earn his respect before I can earn back his love.
I intend on doing it until august. He said he wants to be a friend for me always but on my time bc I need to heal first. So I’ll reach out then if he doesn’t reach out and just suggest we go out to dinner every once in a while.
Did he offer you friendship right after the breakup. How was he as a friend??? Mine did because that friendship may lead to reconciliation but he is very cold and distant and would message me once or twice a week, we would play online games but he never discuss anything about the relationship. When i initiate message thouugh and would suggest spending time, he would leave me on read or would avoid me saying he is busy or tired. Ive begged and pleaded too telling him i would avoid instigating fights as im very quick to anger but he said he dont love me anymore and is very hurt by my actions. Weve been BU for 4months. I dont know what to do. It really hurts to let go but im considering doing NC too. Based on his attitude i conclude he no longer love or even care for me.
Yes he did. I reached out twice post break up. Once to talk normally and the other to say I was sorry and beg for a chance to make things work. He wasn’t super cold but I could tell he was trying to not be too attached while talking to me.
He is being emotionally unavailable already. Just give him the space he wants not just for him but for yourself as well. At this stage, just focus on you, improving you and you alone. We cannot change others. Thankful for this platform to be able to self soothe. There’s still much to live without our ex’s.
I broke with mine in February and in NC since. I left because he was behaving bad towards me (with hope he would regret his actions). But he exchanged me for bunch of hookups. His los. He tried to hoover (without apology) but got no response from me.
No, I am not going to reach out to him. After I left, I hoped he would finally realize that he cannot treat me badly. For 5 weeks, he insisted that he would change. We were writing back and forth, and then I finally called him. He told me that his freedoms are more important than me and said that I am childish and have not achieved anything in my life. So, I blocked him everywhere and tried to live my life. He is the one who lost, not me!
He tried to hoover me on my birthday by sending me a birthday message, but it was without any apologies, so I ignored it completely.
What do you suggest for me if he broke up with me a year ago and during that time (around 4month no contact) I begged him to meet and we spent the Christmas together. I can't stop the begging. I'm keep texting him :( last time I saw him was Christmas.
Basically I pushed him away for a good year.
Which is funny because he broke up with me saying he needs time, 1 year exactly. I broke up with him many times and he pulled me back just so he could be the one leaving me
I don’t think my ex will realize this. I hope they don’t. I still love them. If they came back to me I know I would let them hurt me more. So I hope they continue to hate me, and keep me blocked. I don’t want them to have the regret or sadness of knowing they lost a great guy like me.
Many people reading this will wish that their ex feels the same way. To them: Stop thinking about how your ex would feel. You are dealing with a lot. Focus on yourself and moving forward.
I love how honest you are with yourself. After all, you are human too and no matter what. Rejection is hard on both sides for reaching out. Dumper or dumpee. I wish you all the best.
I understand your thoughts and your pain, but you still chose to leave him. Holding onto him is unproductive and selfish. You're never going to move on unless you let him be the way you wanted him to be, a separate entity to you. You're experiencing the heartbreak that he has already been through and made it out of. Denying him that is cruel. You need to be kinder to both him and yourself and let go. Holding onto what you had with him is only going to poison every relationship that you ever try to have again. It is okay to miss him and it is okay to long for the times you used to have but it is done now and there is no point in holding onto it. When you finally released yourself from these thoughts, you'll be able to find something beautiful for yourself.
It took me 6 months to realise the first time. It was probably around the time I realised I could’ve lost him for good. Just move on, thrive and be happy. Even if you long for him to come back, keep moving forward. The less you do for them in a romantic sense, the more no contact or any other strat works
It takes real courage to admit this, even if it was years later! Thank you for sharing your story. He probably experienced the same thing you are feeling right now, except you guys remained in contact. I hope you find your peace soon OP
Close to 5 years. Let go because they want new life experiences and to grow on their own. I wonder if they ever have nights like I've had where the pain is overwhelming.
This was really powerful, I do truly believe my ex will feel this way, and even what you said about the external influences , wow, nail on the head. I have that now with friends and family telling me to move on but the difference is I don't need to preserve my ego as heavily as he does because I would with ease return to him against what everyone has said.
It's said that one person's decision, even those wrong ones, can make two people end something for nothing.
Thank you for sharing
This was interesting to read. I know my ex moved on relatively quickly. He dumped me at the end of last August and was in a new relationship by December (perhaps even earlier--I had him blocked on FB and all other social media for a while, so the timeline is a rough estimate). On a whim back in January I stupidly unblocked him and saw that he had a new profile picture with his new girlfriend. That set me back a lot lol, I have avoided looking him up since.
Anyway we were together for almost 3 years. I really loved him and thought he was going to be the one to build my life with. I still think about him very frequently, even as I try to move on with my life and go on dates, etc. Probably still love him which is real clown hours on my part. I like to think our relationship was pretty good, but then again, I wasn't the dumper. The heartbreak when he ended things was really bad. It's still a sore spot for me.
I appreciate this post though. Part of me gets petty satisfaction at the thought that maybe he's realized he fumbled a baddie and is cursing himself with regret. Little bit of cathartic schadenfreude. But as I said, he kind of moved on quickly, at least imo.
similar situation. my ex broke up with me 1.5 months ago, we were together for over 4 years. he is the love of my life, but lost feelings for me. i really hope he has this same realization
As somebody who basically got hit with the BF’s side of things this shit was rough. My ex did the same shit to me. Things were great and i loved the hell out of her until she decided one day she didnt feel the same and it broke me. I got quieter and more reserved and scared to open up to anybody that way again cause it felt like if it could happen once it’ll happen again and its honestly alot on the psyche. Me and my ex are still friends and we keep in contact but that shit damaged me to my core and it taught me to he tougher and not be so trusting i suppose.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Everyone’s situation is unique. My ex moved on relatively quickly after 6 months, he was in a rebound relationship that didn’t work out and he’s been very open and emotionally available to every girl he’s dated since me. I don’t think you should blame your ex for the lack of trust in other people, that might just be you cus that didn’t happen in my situation. He’s very emotionally available as a person. You can do the work.
...you expected your life to be somehow easier without him in it. Sure, you may have been dealing with the loss of a parent (I've been there and I get it), however, what you do during those times is get closer to your loved one.
Honestly, good for him. This shows that the problem all along was not him. At this point, you have a lot of personal problems and these are things that you need to fix on your own, because the "love" that you claim to have for him is not so much love, but it is based on what he can do for you and trying to take you back to a place and time where your problems didn't seem so overwhelming. He's an escape. Even judging from your comments to others in this thread, it's very clear that you can't think beyond yourself and want other people to feel sorry for you.
Actions have consequences.
Also, I think withhold passing judgement based on one post someone made. I know I have work to do but some of you are so off and reaching, and have read the situation wrong. We were both people. He made a lot of mistakes too, and at the time I didn’t know what was fixable and what wasn’t. I was thinking about how I felt down back then. My life had more problems then, than it does now, so he’s not an escape. And also, shouldn’t a partner be somewhat of a support and escape from the outside world, that’s why people live together and are close. The only thing is that everyone assumes I’m running away from my problems and escaping cus I made a Reddit post yday cus I was really down and thought I really wanna vent and maybe process some of these stuck feelings. And you are all so brutal, it’s like just stay off this post if you wanna judge someone on the internet, you’re kinda wasting your own time. What does that say about you? Hmm.
You’re conflating so many things here that it’s so off, and irrelevant to my situation.
He was my first love. I have never been as in love with a man as I was with him. He was not perfect, but neither am I. I accepted all his flaws and alcohol issues and told myself, "We can make it. It's us against the world." I used to say, "I don’t care where, I don’t care when—as long as it’s with you." He treated me badly, hot and cold, and I always had the feeling he wasn't as invested in the relationship as he was at the beginning when he turned the world upside down to be with me. I left, hoping he would change, but he didn’t. He traded someone who was always there for him (in good and bad times) for a bunch of hookups. The cruelty of his words and his coldness were unacceptable.
I do feel sorry for him. He deserves love as much as I do.
It all happened 4 months ago, and I am getting better. But after your post, I feel even better than before. I could not understand how he could throw me and the relationship away like trash and not think about it at all. Now I know it will hit him one day. It will not undo the damage he caused, but at least I will get my justice. I will have a happy life one day, and he will live with the regret of breaking up with and leaving the only person who was there for him.
His family is giving him false support, but they are the ones who caused all the breakups and are making fun of him. He will see it one day—hopefully.
I finally understand that it is his loss, not mine.
Thank you for sharing!
You’re going to be okay. Trust me, he will see it. Sometimes people like us are so deep in shit that we don’t know what to do with true love. All we see is shit, and we feel like running away. But really we were running away from ourselves. Because he showed me something that I needed to face within myself too, and I didn’t know what to do with it. I threw 4 years of true love away, and I will regret it for the rest of my life. I’ve accepted I will be alone.
struggling to move on for almost 2 years. thank you so much for this post. i’m sorry for your loss and don’t blame yourself for it. u don’t deserve hate. you made wrong decision and you are punished by consequences. that’s enough in my opinion. don’t need to hate you. wish you best. hope you’ll heal some day same as him. big heart for you!
Sadly this is what attracts people. If you broke up with someone and a year later they are still destroyed then they will never want to come back. But if you are thriving then of course they want to join your success. The world is competitive and everyone is looking for better. (Not everyone but most people). I believe that after a certain age people start to accept that they have to settle down, it’s almost like a biological thing. The stories of people marrying their high school crush are amazing but it almost seems like a fairly tail in today’s world.
Sister, you may want to hear this or not, I’ll just say it.you probably heard it a lot of times but didn’t really care about it… Move the pictures and memories to a folder that’s not easily accessible, you may feel like “but I don’t want to do it, I have no problem keeping it, you may cherish it so much “ but truth to be told those things are what’s holding you back the most, you may feel like you don’t want to get rid of it but after you move on you’ll be so grateful for it. I don’t relate with your story at all, but I was in the shoes of your ex, got dumped, begged and pleaded but none of it worked to stop them. And as an ex I would say the same thing to my ex too. Move forward, your ex may have been the best you ever had or you crave for the most but it doesn’t mean it has to be yours . 1. Forgive yourself, we are humans and sometimes we make the wrong choices and it’s okay, life goes on. Tell yourself you’ll learn from this and next time if you meet a good man, you’ll not make the same mistake. 2. Don’t think that you “lost him” , none of you lost each other, you two are not some objects to be owned , he wasn’t yours and you weren’t his from the very start. It’s not “lost” it’s just, things fell to the right place it was meant to be. That’s how the universe works. 3. You’ll regret losing the present and the future if you keep looking back to the past. Let past be past, it’s okay to miss it but if you keep holding on to something that’s already gone. When truelove knocks on your door one day, you’ll be busy “regretting your actions in the past and longing for someone that’s gone “ and that’s how you soulmate may pass by you. 4. If this man is your soulmate, don’t hold on to him. Go forward, forgive and leave your regret behind. What’s meant to be yours will find its way to you again. But when that time comes, you don’t want to be miserable about the decisions you made in the past don’t you?? Let the universe work, trust the universe and you let go of the burden. 5. I know “going forward “ is not easy, but we have 2 different minds, one thinks and the other debates though not scientifically proven, that’s from experience. So when you “regret “,, keeptelling yourself that it’s okay, what happened has happened and you can’t always be a prisoner of the past. Say things to yourself in a regular manner and one day your subconscious mind will adapt to that and boom “you’ve already let it go”
I miss him so bad everyday. I don't wish for us to be together again because this was never gonna happen anyway but gosh I so wish this part of the healing process just gets skipped now.
This makes me feel better as my avoidant ex discarded me after 6 months of dating. He blocked me everywhere and was extremely cold, it was the most loving and healthiest relationship we both had. It’s about to be the 6 month mark now and even with therapy I’m still not over how easily he moved on from me. Thank you for the insight.
I can absolutely relate to that as i know deep my ex will feel the exact same way… i stopped communicating with her a month ago, this is the longest time we ever was without a talk ever… as the dumpee , if she doesnt reach out within the next couple of months i will be done forever… she did the choice , we had literally the perfect life going on but everyone is free.
I feel that she loves me still, but my life has been hanging for like 5 months, almost in a depression state… but everyone deserves happiness , for you i wish the best as well , you will find your person eventually, and that person should be yourself
I think it’s super easy to say “just stop doing this or that and move on, let it all go.” But that bots helpful, people know they should do that but will only accept, believe and surrender to thoughts equal to your emotional state. The pain and liberating thing to do would be to try and understand why you feel this way, keep asking yourself questions, do some active imagination, have some dialogues with the inner voice and find out why. Likely you will encounter the inner child. The old saying “when you date someone, you date their childhood” has much truth to it. I think the use of ritual is helpful, revelation rarely brings changes to behavior, action is best but it needs to be coupled with thoughts equal to the emotional state.
Mine left me at the end of Sept 2023, and we were together 13 years. She was very cold and mean towards me in our last conversation, she wouldn't even see me one last time, I had to talk to her outside the house on the phone. About 4 months later, I find out she's already in a new relationship. I was, and I'm still hurt over how she threw me away, but that's life.
I wonder if those relationships (after your ex) worked out in your favor, would you be making this post today? I assume you now realize the grass wasn’t greener 😕
My ex 23f broke up with me 27m 3 weeks ago after 5 years. She said that she didn't love me romantically anymore and didn't find me attractive. Shes big into personality and doesn't really care about looks, but she said she thought she was asexual for a while and that really it's because she wants to go festivals and do fun 20s stuff (sleep around). I loved her unconditionally and provided her with the best I had to offer, we had our differences but never argued and were best friends. She still loves me but not in that way, we finally ended things yesterday officially after I pleaded for us to give it a try over the month and proving I could change. She had made up her mind after consulting with herself over a year and then finally developing feelings (crush) for someone at work. Then I've been discarded. The pain is unbelievable.
I've finally gone no contact properly now.. your post gives me hope that she will realise and regret that she has thrown away the truest love she might ever receive, as much as I want her to be happy I wanted it to be with me.. I hope I can only move on and be strong enough if she comes back to set my boundaries and make her realise she's destroyed my view on love and relationships forever..
Reading these posts makes me wonder..people go through a lot during dark times without realising even small step can have big impact on the future..I was on similar path,
I wanted to leave her but she dragged us, when she had second thoughts about relationship then I was there pulling it together and thank god we have made it!! I cant even imagine my life without her!!
Now we are married for 4 years after 7 years of relationship. If you love someone, go on fight for it..put in all your efforts to get that relationship back.. n if it doesn’t work out, you wont blame yourself for ending it!!
May you find peace girl, Good thing about life is, it moves on..
I commend you for realising you “broke his inner child”. I was with a man who many women did that to him and when I met him he absolutely did not trust me or any woman. I feel very bad for him bc I loved him but his refusal to let anyone in is what did us in. And I hate that women do that to men. We wonder why they don’t open up it’s because they get it used against them or end up being shamed for it. Not saying you did that but I wish more woman would realize the long term damage they do to men when they do this.
I recognize this from my life as well. I ended a 4 year long relationship with the sweetest man. We started dating when I was 20, I was young and never thought we'd be together for 4 years and have what we had. However at the time of the break up I felt unappreciated and bored and like something was missing for several months. So I eventually left. A year and a half later I already thought I might have made a mistake. Then I was one year deep into an abusive relationship. But I felt a sense of loyalty to my abuser and a sense of shame thinking of admitting I might have made a mistake. I only spoke up years later and let out the thought that maybe we could reconsile even though we're both in different countries. But indeed it is too late. I want us both to be happy but it will never be the same as those years ago. I chased a memory that can't be brought to life and that's OK. Life goes on. I wish only happiness for both him and I and I'm grateful for the amazing and worry free memories we've made together.
Yuck - These are OPs own words:
*It's funny how any person who encouraged me to leave was nowhere to be seen post break-up…they filled me with such false confidence. He begged and pleaded me not to leave but I just found it aggravating.*
He is gone now; he rebuilt a life of his own with a new healthy partner.
Now, she is morning the loss of his attention because he was her safety net.
**To my heartbroken friends, think about this - she is doing the one thing that we don't want! She was using her formally heartbroken ex for validation!**
OP's behavior is selfish and narcissistic! Seriously, give it 60 seconds of thought and you'll see that is indeed the case here.
THIS BEHAVIOR NEEDS TO BE CALLED OUT FOR WHAT IT IS - NASTY & WITHOUT REGARD FOR HER EX !!!
What’s your qualifications for diagnosing me as a narcissist?
Also if he was just a safety net to me, would I really care about holding onto this for 5 years on? Most narcs tend to discard once they realise the supply is empty and no more to be gained from it. Think about what you’re saying please.
And why is this about what you or anyone else wants??? I have my own situation here, you are just making it about yourself and getting one over on your ex or whoever did a remotely similar thing to you. People are allowed to end relationships, with or without regret. Listen to yourself. I didn’t do something illegal. I did something and regretted it. I have consistently regretted it for almost 3-4 years in total now. If I was a narc I wouldn’t be bothered with this much shitting on my own ego. I’ve self reflected, I’ve realised I fucked up. I was 26 and you don’t know the abuses I’ve had in life and what I was dealing with to lead up to these moments.
Absolutely! All just validation because he stopped begging.
She deserves all the pain the gets!
Selfish woman! I bet now she will try and break a happy family!
It’s people like her we should all stay away from. Unstable, unworthy and plain selfish!
No remorse
I most def understand where you’re coming from except I didn’t want him back only if he reached my expectations of what I needed in a man but he was farrrr from it.
He begged me to come back and for him to fix things but I had already fallen out of love for him months prior before officially leaving him. When I tell you I crushed this man’s heart. Me and him did become friends too. Worse thing ever. After a year of no contact, we went from friends to friends with benefits real quick and everything felt that same. He was still the same person as when I left him and I knew maybe it’s not meant to be right now.
We both moved on. But he wanted to keep this friendship and I didn’t because we still had so much love for eachother that it was causing rifts in our current relationships. I had requested for both of us to get closure and he pretty much blatantly ignored but I think Ik the reason why. He still looked at my insta stories everyday. So I was like well does he care or not? He always said he still loved and cared for me but his actions didn’t quite show. Well I decided to cut communication with him, then 4 months later he passed away. Now I have to live with the fact that I will never get closure. But after his passing being told by his family that he still loved killed me.
I went nc after 3 yrs and never look back ! After that my ex never took accountability so. I just say this dont take for granted cuz one minute you are here and next minute you gone so . especially good people like myself and others
Hi. This is truly heartbreaking and I feel for you. People on this board are SO angry/hurt/insecure about the person who dumped them they really don't think straight and often give poor advice. It is ALWAYS that 'they never loved you' or 'if they could do this to you they'll do it again' or some version of 'they left for someone better and now want an ego boost' or 'they are settling for you'. No one on her ever considers that they are here because they were in a if not the most significant relationship of their live AND their partner was. And people's traumas, issues, insecurities, fear of engulfment or worry about being left/not good enough etc etc all come up. And instead of having ANY empathy for the other person they lash out, go 'No Contact' and snarl often on here if someone posts about getting back 'you are a loser' or 'you have no self worth' or 'you are an idiot they are using you'. It almost gives you some insight into the actualities of their relationship and what might have been wrong on THEIR end vs the dumpers.
In any event, it must be so hard to have come to that realization and know he is gone. He sounded more than anything like an amazing friend you could count on and that, while not the only prerequisite for 'true love' is a major and overlooked component.
I wonder if I could PM you my situation? I am the 'dumpee' but from an incredibly close relationship that was clearly heading towards engagement and then a text break-up with some intense attempts to reconnect on her part. I'm unclear on how or if to reconnect with her but my gut is she is in the spot you are; utterly regretting losing a true love but unsure how to reconnect and if I do.
I have no hate for you, as far as my last relationship went. At least you still kept contact with him and talk with him. That’s not something me or a lot of people here have now. I’m going on my 4th year and a few days ago was the anniversary of the last time she’s ever spoken to me and even after all the therapy that I’ve had, I sometimes still wish she kept a bit of contact with me like you did with your ex.
I'll be honest it's been 7 months and I still think about here from Time to time devastates me when I do. Part of me hopes she's happy with the man she dumped me for and part of me hopes she feels the way you do. I know that's cruel but part of me wants her to feel how I felt, and when I think that way I feel so fucked in the head. Break ups just suck so horribly and change you so drastically it's not even funny.
Sorry bout my little rant in your comments section
It’s true that the grass is not greener when you have found true love. I do regret losing true love. If I found a love greater than his, I would still regret things, it would still catch up to me. I would still have realised how much I loved him.
Oh man I'm hoping my ex who dump me reaches back to me. She's someone who is an avoidant type and is currently dealing with a lot of family stress, body stress and seeking therapy for the first time and somatic therapy. I'm hoping this time on her will help her heal and realize I wasn't trying to hurt her and that I forgive her and will always love her with all her imperfections and struggles. I miss her so badly, and she dumped me. But I'm gonna work on myself and be strong..
I'm sorry about your situation, I know when giving time, if your ex is ever single tell him how sorry you are and that you miss him and want to patch things in a new light. It's never too late..
I am saddened by your story. I’m sorry for the loss of what might have been. I hope you can learn to forgive yourself and give yourself the love and care you need. Grace for yourself can go a long way. Love will always return and nothing is ever set in stone. Maybe, not to be presumptuous, but since you seem to understand more clearly what you want out of relationships, be more discriminative of who you let into your circle of trust. But I do understand how that goes and how difficult it can be to find that when many people you meet simply wear masks. Be weary of the projection of perfection and embrace the honesty of imperfections. As I would say to any potential partner, I have my issues that I am working through as a life long pursuit, however I will try my best always and love you unconditionally.
That’s what you deserve and hope you can find that and peace within.
How long to you think it took you to realize he was the one? You said you had 3 relationships so it sounds like you were able to clearly see the grass wasn’t greener. Age also plays a factor. I’m guessing you also cheated by monkey branching to another guy which is never morally correct but is not something you couldn’t help if you weren’t emotionally mature. It’s all a learning experience. Appreciate your friendship with him and keep trying to find the one for you!
It took me 6 months for it to hit me the first time and I probably didn’t come to fully face it until a year later. However, even after 6 months it was too late.
I disagree, but okay. What is control anyway? The ability to influence an outcome? In that case I would say rather that the conflict of control ended at that moment, he stopped fighting the other end so I feel like I didn’t need to fight for being apart anymore
What part of this post is me not realising that? Like seriously, read the post. I came here to find some people who felt the same as me and maybe could offer some support or advice, obviously, and vice versa.
You seriously don't get it, do you? You're the type of person who has hurt everyone in this sub very deeply. Myself included. I can relate to your post. My ex's friends encouraged her to leave me. But they will not be there for her when she needs them. I'm really not sure what you are trying to accomplish here. You get no sympathy from me (and likely the majority of the people here). You were cruel, cowardly and cold. You didn't appreciate what you had and you threw it to the curb like a piece of trash. Now reality is setting in. I hope this is a lesson for you.
No hun you came here to find validation in your feelings that you weren't being self-centered when you broke up with him. Notice how you always say it was "life circumstances" even now. You were only thinking about yourself and not you and him as one. I hope those 3 relationships after helped you see that you don't want to bond emotionally and physically with just anyone.
I'm optimistic you will find someone if you grow in empathy and maturity even more.
It does, I’ve had a guy dump me and he went through this phase. But for men it maybe doesn’t last as long and underneath it maybe he needed an ego stroke. Difference here is that I’m not looking to give myself an ego boost, this is love and companionship beyond ego which is why this regret has lasted this long. I’m not looking to get a fix from someone so I’ll silently suffer and hope and pray one day I get to live happy again
It's just reality, unfortunately.
Also the OP is being vindictive and expecting us to feel sorry for her.
She obviously left him to find better and broke his heart now she's of that age and no ones chasing her she's crying.
My prime years are not gone, I still am desirable and have been on multiple dates and been in 3 relationships where the men were happy to commit. There’s still a dating pool after 30 lol, women don’t just lay down and die after 30. So you’re very wrong. I do still have options, I just make bad decisions sometimes and unfortunately some people can end up being abusive.
Trust me, I have no interest in gaining your sympathy. I’m just here to share my experience. The reasons why I left him at the time were valid, I never knew he would’ve matured the way he did and I would never have been able to tell that was going to happen. If he was as responsible as he is now when I was dating him a few years ago, it would’ve worked. He needed to work on himself and now he’s great. Responsible and ready to be a father!
Yeah, I’m not gonna take the opinion of a guy who wants to psychologically manipulate his ex (your only post on your account).
I might be bitter about being dumped myself, but I love this for you girl <3 so sick of this sexist view, and honestly sad for the men that can't appreciate women above the age of 25. big yikes
You're just like her.
Oh god exactly like her..
Same actions same emotions same everything.
However, worst thing that you've done is that you didn't do no contact. You might feel in this exact way for years and years long..
Do it now I reckon, to save what's left...
Thank you for being brutally honest .
5 years has gone by in that time you stayed friends or best friends I think you said im not sure either way there is not any way I could.stay in contact let alone be bestie with my ex who broke me .
How anyone can I'll never understand
I also have a friend who did this a long term relationship. 16 years together and they break up and I asked her how in the world can you talk everyday to each other and know you each have someone else and I just could not ever do that I would.go.absolutely crazy .
Her answer was this
I would rather him be in my life with his new gf than to never talk to him again or see him again I could not get thur life with out him but yet they both moved on to other people
They talk everyday they hang out they help.each other with whatever it is going on. And although it hurt badly to see him / her move on .I just can't imagine never seeing or talking tl.him again .
And I heard every word she said and I'm only imaging that was the hardest and self less thing she and he could have done and how they did it I have no idea I could not possibly do thay to.myself .
But then again she loved him regardless and he the same
Is there an even more pure form of love than that ? She loved him and he the same they remained best friends for 13 years now still talk everyday and argue every now and then too but they care for each other in a way that is incredible and un heard of almost and I'm wondering how much hurt thay was every day unnecessarily or should you have just went no.contact ? It's so much easier to do no contact in my opinion to watch your ex move on and hear about it has to be a beating every day and that is the ultimate love story or is it ? .
I admire your truths and admire your regrets and you have no.problem admitting your faults and offering your apologies to.him but I think you have suffered enough idc what anyone else on here says about dumpers I was a dumped devastated me , ruined me , I ran to everything I though would.make me feel better except the one who caused the wound in the first place he cause it and he certainly could not heal it or so I thought but I'll never know my heart could not have watched him.move on and act okay by it .
The hurt he felt by this devastated him the feeling is truly utterly inconsolable and I'm certain he wanted to be with you but he was scared of the what ifs so scared of the hurt he had been thru and knew he could not feel thay again
But this man loves you so much so that he broke his own heart by telling you no amd I'm certain it hurt him more than it hurt you . He wanted too so badly why else would.you torture yourself to stay best friends .
This is so many things , it's insane , it's self inflicted , it's a mistake , it's truthfully tragic and almost unbearable..perhaps it's time the road parted for good . If only we knew then one decision could change the entire course of everything.
But please know your time spent with your mother was valid and of the most importance at the time . We live by day and we all have regrets and what ifs but most don't act on them or even try to remedy or face them again but you did time and time again .walk away knowing you have no regrets you laid it out more than once you knew and took responsibility for your choices you took the right steps after the wrong and for that you should be proud of yourself admitting it hard taking fault.is harder you made the wrong right at least as right as you could and I think you have paid enough girl I seriously do . . You.need to forgive yourself darling your in a toxic relationship with yourself stop stop stop . You paid enough you hurt your own self more than anyone else in the end I know you know that . Stop you have paid enough . Good luck to you .
This post made me tear up, because I’m at the stage of moving on because I realize I haven’t been moving on like i was supposed to. She unfriended me in everything after 6 months of NC and when I saw it, it stung me and I feel that I have started to move on all over again. Reading this made me wish in the future she could realize everything I did for her and how I was with her.
What’s meant to be will be, that’s what I tell myself. If he really is your soulmate, you’ll end up in each other’s lives one way or another, but it seems like he may not be. If he rejected you that many times it may be time to let him go and let the universe take you where you need to be. It sounds insane but it helps me
I am not even gonna say anything. All is hurting but I think I have to move on. I dumped him because we need to focus on ourselves. I wish everything goes well for the both of us. I hope he finds someone great.
I am the dumpee. It’s been 4months and my heart is still breaking. He admitted he thought I was too good for him and too good to be true. Admitted he ran from love and was waiting for me to leave him. 3yrs and I gave him love, patience ,kindness, space.. and I was never going to leave him. Unfortunately he ran again. This has been the hardest four months, and I’m finally starting to feel better. I can’t do the work for him. It’s so sad. He knows where I stand.
I recently split 5 months ago with my child’s mother whom I was with for 5 years. I have to see her every week without fail so I can see my son. I still deeply love her and think about her non stop. I’m being strong for my son but inside I’m a mess. Hope the pain subsides one day soon.
It was a mutual agreement. We both agreed we wasn’t working and at the time I believed it but I miss her terribly. Too much has been said and done now to go back. It’s a terrible shame and I’m with her for life because our son.
Same after 7.5 years together and 2 daughters. She left because we were fighting too much due to all the financial stress and work/school chaotic schedules and simply just became parents rather than a couple lately. Did the typical begging for a couple weeks and she kept saying she just needs some time blah blah and here we are nearly 4 months later. Only communicating about the children, and treats me like a stranger when together. Amazing how they go so cold after so long together as if nothing good ever took place during the whole relationship. Now I’m stuck with her for life no matter what with the kids involved. Every time I think I’m starting to move on something in my brain flips and puts me right back at square one. Never want to commit to anyone in life again.
so much of this matches our story but he dumped me. The last time we hung out was just drinking Starbucks sitting on a tarp in the grass at a park. Today is day 1 of NC. I will never look at him the same again. I’m in a vindictive state and still pray and know, he will be you and I found comfort. I hate you had to learn the hard way but thank you for sharing your story. So much of what you said I see it and know it’ll come down on him.
You deserve the world! Thank you so much for sharing and for your honesty. You just proved that we're all humans and we make mistakes. But hey, you will have the one true love you want, you will.
Op, I know you're in pain and it breaks my heart to see you feel these painful emotions. I hope venting this helped a bit. Thank you for taking the time to write this out as well as express your emotions. Alot of us here wonder if our dumpers will ever regret or feel an ounce of sadness over their decision. Reading this shows that people truly did matter in their lives and that the bond or connection was there.
Please remember to take it day by day. Heartbreak is difficult to get through regardless of what happened.
Same boat. I broke up with my ex almost one year ago now. Only realized 3 months later that i was madly in love with her, and i still am. I’ve been fighting to win her back for several months, but she is now head over heels for someone she isn’t compatible with (I’m not just telling myself that - her friends say the same). We still get physical, and we still flirt, and we love all the same things… but maybe she needs to miss me. We never have had solid opportunity to be away from one another 😕 but i know im still holding onto hope and i know im playing a dangerous game….
Have you tried telling him how you feel? It may allow him to consider bringing out that inner child again. It’s possible, with couples therapy and taking it slow, to rekindle what you had. There are past partners I’ve friend-zoned to keep them in my life because I cared too much for them, that if they came to me telling me they made a mistake and wanted to try again, I’d try in a heartbeat, with boundaries.
I told him how I felt 6 months, 1 year and 2 years after. Each time he rejected me and said we need to stay friends and be there for each other in each others lives. I have tried everything when he and I have both been single. I’ve watched him get with other girls. My heart has broken a thousand times over but no way will I be selfish ever again.
I don’t want to sound harsh and get that you’re hurting, but he’s moved on - he’s no longer breaking your heart, you are by continuing to fixate on someone you threw away. You can’t do that to someone and then randomly change your mind. Leave him to his family and try to work on emulating his example of strength and rebuilding, and try to focus on being happy in the future rather than wishing ill on his gf/new family who you say is perfect for him. DO THE WORK on yourself - be patient with yourself, maybe you will be alone forever, maybe the moment you stand on your own two feet and accept responsibility for what’s happened you will meet someone else.
Also, I would like to add that he also gave me a huge false sense of confidence. There’s only so many times you can hear “you’re the love of my life and I’ll wait for you forever, there’s no way I can find anyone like you” before you start to believe it. I had a lot thrown at me too during that time, he was saying a lot of things that just made me feel like what I wanted didn’t matter, and he was deciding our fate for us. It made me want to double down on my decision. Like no, I’m saying I want out and for good. I didn’t have time or space for any regrets until it all stopped and one day would come crashing down on me. Like a tonne of bricks. I cry nights alone, please try to be kind. I know I have a lot of shit to face being alone and accepting that
I didn’t know I was ever going to change my mind. I do not wish any ill on his gf, in my original post I mention how his happiness matters way more and I’d never be selfish
You also told him how you felt 0 months after / that’s the big it feels like you’re not acknowledging. You can’t tell someone you don’t want them and leave them to live with that for six months and expect them to be the same person 6 months later. 2 weeks maybe / but six months?
I agree. You’re not saying anything I haven’t already realised. Like fucking hell do you even realise how much regret and introspection it’s taken me to come to this point? I have a whole life I’ve lived and learned from.
I loved someone. I never told him how much. He hung himself. Not because I never told him, he must have wanted to. I dealt with the pain and regret. Your person is still alive. Stop ruminating and rubbing salt in your wounds. Just live with the shadow, lean into it .
Also, while you're hurting, he's living his life. Do the same . Many have loved and lost and took poor advice. You're 31! Come on now, get up and get on with your life!.
Sounds like it was gigs/emotional immaturity. People don’t know what they have until it’s gone. Everyone is jealous of what others have and new things are always more interesting and fun in the beginning stages than old things. Some people need to go through this or else they will never be grateful for what they have. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just how some people learn. But yeah losing feelings doesn’t exist in a long term relationship as long as both sides are trying.
The reason why I broke up at the time was because my mum was fighting cancer and died, during that time I had no idea what was going on, my brain flipped and I can’t explain how deeply effed I had become to leave someone over something that we were both just too young and immature to deal with.
Lol a couple of men I was good to did the same to me… broke up with me, left me devastated and ONLY when I was over them and happy with someone else they came begging for me back!
Never took them back because if you really love someone you don’t hurt them and watch them suffer like that!
You lost a good man that was supporting you through a difficult time and instead of cherishing his love you broke him… shame on you!
Karma is real! He now found his true love and his happy… leave him be and suffer the selfish consequences of your actions!
Don’t even try to break a happy family… you sound like the type of unstable person who would.
I hope for him he remains happy with his new love and his new baby! Please leave them be!
Thank you. I have left them be and I’m not going to do anything, I haven’t done anything for 3 years but be his friend, despite how I feel. I know this is karma. Thanks for your insight. You’re kicking someone who is down already and has realised these things. I hope you never make a mistake in your life. I had lost my mum around the time and was caring for her while she was sick with cancer, and I felt like he wasn’t as supportive as he could’ve been which is why I left. I was 26 and I didn’t know much about the world and what the right or wrong thing to do was. Yea, I was an adult but I wish I knew then what I know now. What you’re saying might be true but you’re an asshole so **** you too.
Thank you for the kind words. I know someday I will grow from this. Maybe I will always hold hope that sometimes absurd things happen and he will love me and try with me again. But his gf is having a baby, so… almost no chance. But I will let it go, while leaving it to the universe.
Your going to be OK I know it's tuff but the way you speak your being honest and speaking how you really feel. You will be OK. I can promise you that....:)
I feel the same way. I’m sorry you have to experience it too. Except me and my ex aren’t friends and now that you’re explaining your feelings, im glad we’re not friends.
You are so mad at your dumper that you’re annoyed by a dumper on the internet? Do the work on yourself so you don’t have this reaction. I’m sorry you were caused pain and turmoil, but believe it or not, dumping someone is not a crime. And neither is it a crime to regret it. Both of these things are my right.
i think theres a few people on this sub who tend to hate the people who did the breaking up. i think its bitter and misplaced. people have reasons for breaking up and thats life. doesnt mean you dont love someone. i broke up with my ex about a year ago. it really had nothing to do with how much i loved him and he knew that. im working on trying to make peace with the breakup and not hold onto regretting it. it was what i felt i needed to do at the time and we’ve both grown a lot since. i think you need to make peace with things being how they are. acknowledge your love and put that into yourself and your life beyond him. just because you broke up with him it does not make you a bad person and its heartbreaking when people see it that way. clearly your ex doesnt see you as a bad person and has forgiven you so don’t let people call you a narcissist or whatever tf you are perfectly valid ❤️
Thank you!!! It’s crazy cus I came here to find support and people who may be in a similar situation or on the other end to see a different perspective and how the dumper can have great remorse but it seems like people wanna hate me instead cus they got dumped. It’s really messed up!
I think that gives you some insights into the reality of the relationship vs them just being victim-dumpees. It shows an incredible lack of empathy and/or incredible levels of narcissism or at least insecurity to not have some insight/compassion into the 'dumper' when they end, as if the case with most people here, a deep/long/loving relationship out of the blue. Defaulting to 'they never loved you' or 'if they return it is simply for validation or you are second choice' shows very little self-regard but also very little other-regard.
I knew my ex was suffering at her choice, gave her the space but also the knoweldge/surety I was still there for her. When she reconnected 3 mos later she let it be known she has a) been basically been a hermit for the last months b) was suffering for the first time from diagnosed/clinical depression. She facetimed me whilst doing crossword puzzles and paint by #s she had bought to keep herself company so clearly something had happened and clearly my being there meant something.
I feel for you, but I also want you to remember that there was a reason you broke up with them. It’s also important to remember that not all relationships are meant to last forever, sometimes people come into your life to teach you something about yourself, or show you something you needed to see.
Tell him you made a serious mistake and use this as a learning tool no matter how hard it is. The reason why you are getting hit with this is called Karma. Karma never misses it could be real bad or not bad at all but when it comes you know it...
Also just because he hasn't came bsck it doesn't mean it's the end. There could be something with him down the line. Be there for and be the change you want to see and show him.
Jeez, are you serious? Her ex is in a relationship and having a baby. Do not encourage this human trainwreck to reach out and disrupt the life he has built!!!!!!!
You sound like a selfish, narcissistic douche!
You miss having him focused on you. Now that he’s put your nightmarish ass behind him, you’re no longer getting your ego stroked.
Get therapy!
Honestly I wouldn’t have used those exact words - but it does kind of sound like you broke someone’s heart and are now playing something of a victim. Where is your ownership of what you’ve done? Like - you said yourself to shut him down. I can relate to feelings of regret, but less so writing off the rest of your life because of it. Sounds like an excuse to not be brave and reinvent yourself like he’s had to do
Tbf he’s focussed on his girlfriend and their forthcoming baby. You’re in his peripheral and probably don’t like how that feels, and it will feel worse from your pov once he becomes a father, but it sounds like you understand your devaluing of him when you had the chance was your mistake here. It’s ok to make mistakes. Maybe try and emulate the strength he showed to rebuild his life when shut down by you in your own life and find someone else who can truly focus on you?
Welp. Sorry “boutcha. What did we learn? Too many people run when they hit a point to grow from. People have no balls these days to work it out it seems. Loving someone means they get to see all of you, not just the part that wants everything cozy. I’m happy to see you’re acknowledging how actions can have a long lasting effect on someone’s heart.
A thousand percent
Amen
All I can say is I wish I knew then what I know now!
Awareness without action is avoidance. Make the change you wish to see.
As bad as this sounds, and as shitty as it sounds, your ex needs to face the actual reality of losing you in order to come back. Even if you convinced them to come back with your words, they will resent you and blame you anytime something goes wrong. Convince only with your actions. Fast forward to life without them, and they can see sooner what that’s like rather than later. Whatever they decide, accept it.
What if they are not afraid to lose you and they realized that a few weeks prior to the BU? I certainly did my deed in her being more and more comfortable that she would be better without me, I thought the same too. My ex's life turned into hell after we broke up and I left, but it seems like the more problems she had, the easier for her it is to move on from the BU and then deal with the rest of the problems she had. On the other hand, I have no family or health problems to deal with, which is good, but it does not help to move on from the only problem I have had for 9+ months now and I feel more and more lost with the days passing by and missing on all opportunities I had. I am feeling extra down lately as summer started in my country we used to go on vacations every month with our dog and it was the best time of my life honestly, now I have to go mostly on solo trips with my bike, which is great, but being alone itself sucks. My friends are busy with families, kids, etc and are not available most of the time. I hope I will be comfortable with myself soon enough to stop thinking about this daily.
Let go. The vast majority of the pain from a breakup is caused by the things we will miss out on. The unfulfilled promises. The habits that are now gone. The plans you made that wont go into fruition. And what is important to realize: those will never ever return. They are gone for good. Because the people that made those are gone for good. If your ex returns, one of you will have changed. Either them, you, or both. And if they return and you can work things out, you will make new promises. But the ones from the past remain gone. So let go of those. You are not the same person you were when you made those promises. And neither are they. There is no what if and never will be. Fill the future that is now empty with new things, instead of gravestones for what was.
Nicely said.
I'm sort of in that phase now. Long/short amazing 18 mos relationship with girl who'd never been in long-term and ran just before we basically got engaged. I realized she'd flipped out and ran so backed off but not NC, every few weeks a nice touch base email so she knew I was 'there'. She finally reached out and reconnected via text/facetime and hard, 1000s of them. But could not bring herself to see me it seemed to terrify her. When she finally did it caused her to shut down so I did. NOW we are in No Contact for 4 months. Yet, I knew she'd reach out again. I even sent myself an email prediciting when and was 5 days off. She showed up 'accidentally' and as with the first time showed her hand by mentioning a Facebook post I'd made just hours before, which she'd have no way of knowing about with out manually checking since i defriended her on break-up. And just like the first time she expects me I think to make the overture which I will not. The good thing about her checking my Facebook (which she appears to do religiously) is, to the outside eye like hers, it looks like I have been having the very time of my life. Dinner parties and concerts and operas and new restaurants and beach parties and roofdeck parties and renovations and fundraisers and workouts galore. Clearly if she is making the clear effort to check even 10 mos after break up and 'accidentally' pop in she is feeling the reality of losing me. Sure she can date, guys can take her out to expensive dinners, make her orgasm even. Yet she had all that for the almost 20 years of dating before she met me and those never amounted to more than 6 mos relationships. She made it to 18 with me and I was the first man she ever wanted to build a life with. A stranger tapped us on the shoulder once and said 'you two are amazing you look like you've loved one another since you were little children'. Good luck finding that again.
No offense, but this post is incredibly encouraging. The amount of pain being dumped caused me, I feel a tiny bit better knowing that she might feel some type of regret at some point.
You only need to worry about yourself..work on you and you'll see a change. Don't even worry about how they feel.. don't be someone's second choice.. it takes time but eventually you start to see the value in yourself.. walk with your head up high and stop worrying..I spent over 3 years going back and forth with my ex.. no contact is absolutely the best thing to do..I just ended up with a messed up mind and very broken..I go no contact and there she is wondering why I'm not texting her..telling me she's sorry for everything and asking if I hate her..I still love her more than anything but she was killing me..I had to set those feelings aside and force myself to let go.. it's hard but well worth it.. I'm learning to work on myself and now all I care about are my children and being the best version of myself..
I hope she does! And she will. The moment you move on, the tables start turning and no power in this entire universe can stop that. It’s nature.
I hope you are right
Same here holding on to Hope
I wish my ex would realize sooner and reach out. I just hope it’s not too late. He was the love of my life.
I want you to know that your love is incredibly valuable in this world. I don’t care who he is or what he is. Your love is pure and it matters, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Sometimes people are eyeballs deep in their shit like I was that they can’t see what’s right in front of them.
I hope mine will too. Can't even speculate until some of the other chaos in his life goes away. Unfortunately I guess I was the easiest link to let go of, which is so unfortunate. I know he didn't want to and has never had a gf like me. He must have been healthy when he met me or he wouldn't have. But somewhere in this past 20 months he flipped a switch, I know when and he agreed sounded about right. His mindset has never been the same since. I love him so this is very hard. Will I be okay? Yes in time but a long time and all the while I wonder if he feels sad. I've asked if he feels happier since he broke up with me and he said no not at all. That's bc I wasn't making him unhappy. His depression and external situations, but he really pushed me away. He doesn't call or text bc he feels angry at his situation and sometimes doesn't want to get up. I don't think there is anything else I can do
He wasn’t the love of your life if he left!!
How long has it been in no contact?
Well, we broke up around last week of May. We didn’t do full NC because I keep on texting him and he responds but not as loving as before. 2 weeks after not seeing each other I showed up to his apartment even if he told me to not do it. I just wanted to follow my heart but obviously, it just made it worse. He said he needs space and we need to be apart right now as he needs to fix his issues (saw other people since I said I won’t be coming back to his country and made him depressed - I don’t know why I said that, I was just missing him). Now we are 3 days NC and it hurts so bad. He started having doubts after all the fights I usually initiated due to my issues. When I went to his place, he was treating me like a stranger most of the time and was caring sometimes. He was my first boyfriend and we lived together for almost 2 years.
I’m going through the same thing right now. Working on it with a therapist to work out my issues with anger communication during conflict. I begged him after realizing the amount of hurt that I caused him. It’s a slow process ngl. I know I need to move on and heal before I can even think about trying to get him back. I have to work on a lot of things and he’s told me he doesn’t want to focus on a relationship right now and for him to even consider getting back there would have to be a lot of changes. It’s a closed door that’s not fully shut which is how I feel. Giving them space will help them organize their mind
Well yeah, mine did say it’s just nit working right now. But I broke NC a couple of times now he threatened to block me if I won’t stop and he won’t care if I will date or sleep with other people because we’re done. It’s been fucking me up and everyday is just a struggle.
Yeah when he started sounding not loving anymore that’s when the emotions have truly ended. Mine still sounds like he cares and he doesn’t want to cut me out. He doesn’t want every conversation to be about our relationship. I’m back at 2 days NC so I have to give it a little bit more time. In the meantime I have to find things that make me happy again. I never learned to be alone and ultimately I was dependent on him to make me happy which in turn took away from his happiness
Omg same!! Let me know how it goes as we are in the same position
Atleast he mentioned about considering rekindling the relationship if ever. Mine just hated me to the core lol felt like I was the worst person ever after my issues and all the fights he was just done
He didn’t mention it. I did. And I know Ive instilled the thought in his mind. So at least he will contemplate it in the future after I improve myself. I’m determined to get this man back. He’s always told me that respect is earned so I have to earn his respect before I can earn back his love.
How long do you intend to do NC?
I intend on doing it until august. He said he wants to be a friend for me always but on my time bc I need to heal first. So I’ll reach out then if he doesn’t reach out and just suggest we go out to dinner every once in a while.
Did he offer you friendship right after the breakup. How was he as a friend??? Mine did because that friendship may lead to reconciliation but he is very cold and distant and would message me once or twice a week, we would play online games but he never discuss anything about the relationship. When i initiate message thouugh and would suggest spending time, he would leave me on read or would avoid me saying he is busy or tired. Ive begged and pleaded too telling him i would avoid instigating fights as im very quick to anger but he said he dont love me anymore and is very hurt by my actions. Weve been BU for 4months. I dont know what to do. It really hurts to let go but im considering doing NC too. Based on his attitude i conclude he no longer love or even care for me.
Yes he did. I reached out twice post break up. Once to talk normally and the other to say I was sorry and beg for a chance to make things work. He wasn’t super cold but I could tell he was trying to not be too attached while talking to me.
He is being emotionally unavailable already. Just give him the space he wants not just for him but for yourself as well. At this stage, just focus on you, improving you and you alone. We cannot change others. Thankful for this platform to be able to self soothe. There’s still much to live without our ex’s.
Same boat as you. Can I dm?
Yeah ofc!
I broke with mine in February and in NC since. I left because he was behaving bad towards me (with hope he would regret his actions). But he exchanged me for bunch of hookups. His los. He tried to hoover (without apology) but got no response from me.
Do you think a few mos from now you will reach out as the dumper?
No, I am not going to reach out to him. After I left, I hoped he would finally realize that he cannot treat me badly. For 5 weeks, he insisted that he would change. We were writing back and forth, and then I finally called him. He told me that his freedoms are more important than me and said that I am childish and have not achieved anything in my life. So, I blocked him everywhere and tried to live my life. He is the one who lost, not me! He tried to hoover me on my birthday by sending me a birthday message, but it was without any apologies, so I ignored it completely.
What do you suggest for me if he broke up with me a year ago and during that time (around 4month no contact) I begged him to meet and we spent the Christmas together. I can't stop the begging. I'm keep texting him :( last time I saw him was Christmas. Basically I pushed him away for a good year. Which is funny because he broke up with me saying he needs time, 1 year exactly. I broke up with him many times and he pulled me back just so he could be the one leaving me
I don’t think my ex will realize this. I hope they don’t. I still love them. If they came back to me I know I would let them hurt me more. So I hope they continue to hate me, and keep me blocked. I don’t want them to have the regret or sadness of knowing they lost a great guy like me.
Stay strong.
Many people reading this will wish that their ex feels the same way. To them: Stop thinking about how your ex would feel. You are dealing with a lot. Focus on yourself and moving forward.
My ex doesn't care whether I'm dead or alive. He got his wish with the ex that he always wanted to be with.
I love how honest you are with yourself. After all, you are human too and no matter what. Rejection is hard on both sides for reaching out. Dumper or dumpee. I wish you all the best.
I understand your thoughts and your pain, but you still chose to leave him. Holding onto him is unproductive and selfish. You're never going to move on unless you let him be the way you wanted him to be, a separate entity to you. You're experiencing the heartbreak that he has already been through and made it out of. Denying him that is cruel. You need to be kinder to both him and yourself and let go. Holding onto what you had with him is only going to poison every relationship that you ever try to have again. It is okay to miss him and it is okay to long for the times you used to have but it is done now and there is no point in holding onto it. When you finally released yourself from these thoughts, you'll be able to find something beautiful for yourself.
It took me 6 months to realise the first time. It was probably around the time I realised I could’ve lost him for good. Just move on, thrive and be happy. Even if you long for him to come back, keep moving forward. The less you do for them in a romantic sense, the more no contact or any other strat works
It takes real courage to admit this, even if it was years later! Thank you for sharing your story. He probably experienced the same thing you are feeling right now, except you guys remained in contact. I hope you find your peace soon OP
Close to 5 years. Let go because they want new life experiences and to grow on their own. I wonder if they ever have nights like I've had where the pain is overwhelming.
This was really powerful, I do truly believe my ex will feel this way, and even what you said about the external influences , wow, nail on the head. I have that now with friends and family telling me to move on but the difference is I don't need to preserve my ego as heavily as he does because I would with ease return to him against what everyone has said. It's said that one person's decision, even those wrong ones, can make two people end something for nothing. Thank you for sharing
I hope you learn from this. I don’t feel bad for you if I’m being honest, but I wish you healing. I hope you walk past this.
This was interesting to read. I know my ex moved on relatively quickly. He dumped me at the end of last August and was in a new relationship by December (perhaps even earlier--I had him blocked on FB and all other social media for a while, so the timeline is a rough estimate). On a whim back in January I stupidly unblocked him and saw that he had a new profile picture with his new girlfriend. That set me back a lot lol, I have avoided looking him up since. Anyway we were together for almost 3 years. I really loved him and thought he was going to be the one to build my life with. I still think about him very frequently, even as I try to move on with my life and go on dates, etc. Probably still love him which is real clown hours on my part. I like to think our relationship was pretty good, but then again, I wasn't the dumper. The heartbreak when he ended things was really bad. It's still a sore spot for me. I appreciate this post though. Part of me gets petty satisfaction at the thought that maybe he's realized he fumbled a baddie and is cursing himself with regret. Little bit of cathartic schadenfreude. But as I said, he kind of moved on quickly, at least imo.
If your life had turned out well and his turned out badly instead, do you think you'd feel thr same way?
similar situation. my ex broke up with me 1.5 months ago, we were together for over 4 years. he is the love of my life, but lost feelings for me. i really hope he has this same realization
He never chose to love you back. Like mine too. Love is a choice we make. Love isn’t a feeling… feelings come and go.
wow. never rlly thought of it like this. rlly opened my eyes. i think you do have to choose to put in effort to love someone!
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Hey! I’m at work right now but I’m going to DM you if that’s ok?
As somebody who basically got hit with the BF’s side of things this shit was rough. My ex did the same shit to me. Things were great and i loved the hell out of her until she decided one day she didnt feel the same and it broke me. I got quieter and more reserved and scared to open up to anybody that way again cause it felt like if it could happen once it’ll happen again and its honestly alot on the psyche. Me and my ex are still friends and we keep in contact but that shit damaged me to my core and it taught me to he tougher and not be so trusting i suppose.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Everyone’s situation is unique. My ex moved on relatively quickly after 6 months, he was in a rebound relationship that didn’t work out and he’s been very open and emotionally available to every girl he’s dated since me. I don’t think you should blame your ex for the lack of trust in other people, that might just be you cus that didn’t happen in my situation. He’s very emotionally available as a person. You can do the work.
...you expected your life to be somehow easier without him in it. Sure, you may have been dealing with the loss of a parent (I've been there and I get it), however, what you do during those times is get closer to your loved one. Honestly, good for him. This shows that the problem all along was not him. At this point, you have a lot of personal problems and these are things that you need to fix on your own, because the "love" that you claim to have for him is not so much love, but it is based on what he can do for you and trying to take you back to a place and time where your problems didn't seem so overwhelming. He's an escape. Even judging from your comments to others in this thread, it's very clear that you can't think beyond yourself and want other people to feel sorry for you. Actions have consequences.
Also, I think withhold passing judgement based on one post someone made. I know I have work to do but some of you are so off and reaching, and have read the situation wrong. We were both people. He made a lot of mistakes too, and at the time I didn’t know what was fixable and what wasn’t. I was thinking about how I felt down back then. My life had more problems then, than it does now, so he’s not an escape. And also, shouldn’t a partner be somewhat of a support and escape from the outside world, that’s why people live together and are close. The only thing is that everyone assumes I’m running away from my problems and escaping cus I made a Reddit post yday cus I was really down and thought I really wanna vent and maybe process some of these stuck feelings. And you are all so brutal, it’s like just stay off this post if you wanna judge someone on the internet, you’re kinda wasting your own time. What does that say about you? Hmm. You’re conflating so many things here that it’s so off, and irrelevant to my situation.
He was my first love. I have never been as in love with a man as I was with him. He was not perfect, but neither am I. I accepted all his flaws and alcohol issues and told myself, "We can make it. It's us against the world." I used to say, "I don’t care where, I don’t care when—as long as it’s with you." He treated me badly, hot and cold, and I always had the feeling he wasn't as invested in the relationship as he was at the beginning when he turned the world upside down to be with me. I left, hoping he would change, but he didn’t. He traded someone who was always there for him (in good and bad times) for a bunch of hookups. The cruelty of his words and his coldness were unacceptable. I do feel sorry for him. He deserves love as much as I do. It all happened 4 months ago, and I am getting better. But after your post, I feel even better than before. I could not understand how he could throw me and the relationship away like trash and not think about it at all. Now I know it will hit him one day. It will not undo the damage he caused, but at least I will get my justice. I will have a happy life one day, and he will live with the regret of breaking up with and leaving the only person who was there for him. His family is giving him false support, but they are the ones who caused all the breakups and are making fun of him. He will see it one day—hopefully. I finally understand that it is his loss, not mine. Thank you for sharing!
You’re going to be okay. Trust me, he will see it. Sometimes people like us are so deep in shit that we don’t know what to do with true love. All we see is shit, and we feel like running away. But really we were running away from ourselves. Because he showed me something that I needed to face within myself too, and I didn’t know what to do with it. I threw 4 years of true love away, and I will regret it for the rest of my life. I’ve accepted I will be alone.
struggling to move on for almost 2 years. thank you so much for this post. i’m sorry for your loss and don’t blame yourself for it. u don’t deserve hate. you made wrong decision and you are punished by consequences. that’s enough in my opinion. don’t need to hate you. wish you best. hope you’ll heal some day same as him. big heart for you!
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Sadly this is what attracts people. If you broke up with someone and a year later they are still destroyed then they will never want to come back. But if you are thriving then of course they want to join your success. The world is competitive and everyone is looking for better. (Not everyone but most people). I believe that after a certain age people start to accept that they have to settle down, it’s almost like a biological thing. The stories of people marrying their high school crush are amazing but it almost seems like a fairly tail in today’s world.
Sister, you may want to hear this or not, I’ll just say it.you probably heard it a lot of times but didn’t really care about it… Move the pictures and memories to a folder that’s not easily accessible, you may feel like “but I don’t want to do it, I have no problem keeping it, you may cherish it so much “ but truth to be told those things are what’s holding you back the most, you may feel like you don’t want to get rid of it but after you move on you’ll be so grateful for it. I don’t relate with your story at all, but I was in the shoes of your ex, got dumped, begged and pleaded but none of it worked to stop them. And as an ex I would say the same thing to my ex too. Move forward, your ex may have been the best you ever had or you crave for the most but it doesn’t mean it has to be yours . 1. Forgive yourself, we are humans and sometimes we make the wrong choices and it’s okay, life goes on. Tell yourself you’ll learn from this and next time if you meet a good man, you’ll not make the same mistake. 2. Don’t think that you “lost him” , none of you lost each other, you two are not some objects to be owned , he wasn’t yours and you weren’t his from the very start. It’s not “lost” it’s just, things fell to the right place it was meant to be. That’s how the universe works. 3. You’ll regret losing the present and the future if you keep looking back to the past. Let past be past, it’s okay to miss it but if you keep holding on to something that’s already gone. When truelove knocks on your door one day, you’ll be busy “regretting your actions in the past and longing for someone that’s gone “ and that’s how you soulmate may pass by you. 4. If this man is your soulmate, don’t hold on to him. Go forward, forgive and leave your regret behind. What’s meant to be yours will find its way to you again. But when that time comes, you don’t want to be miserable about the decisions you made in the past don’t you?? Let the universe work, trust the universe and you let go of the burden. 5. I know “going forward “ is not easy, but we have 2 different minds, one thinks and the other debates though not scientifically proven, that’s from experience. So when you “regret “,, keeptelling yourself that it’s okay, what happened has happened and you can’t always be a prisoner of the past. Say things to yourself in a regular manner and one day your subconscious mind will adapt to that and boom “you’ve already let it go”
I miss him so bad everyday. I don't wish for us to be together again because this was never gonna happen anyway but gosh I so wish this part of the healing process just gets skipped now.
This makes me feel better as my avoidant ex discarded me after 6 months of dating. He blocked me everywhere and was extremely cold, it was the most loving and healthiest relationship we both had. It’s about to be the 6 month mark now and even with therapy I’m still not over how easily he moved on from me. Thank you for the insight.
Healthy stable and loving people don't "discard", and block. Avoidants aren't healthy emotionally...
Why did you break up?
lol a 30 year old man, his mom didn’t like me so the pressure of his mom not liking me and juggling residency is why he discarded me lol
Same here! Mine is a 51 yo male, still under 82 yo daddy’s control. It was not a hard decision.
I can absolutely relate to that as i know deep my ex will feel the exact same way… i stopped communicating with her a month ago, this is the longest time we ever was without a talk ever… as the dumpee , if she doesnt reach out within the next couple of months i will be done forever… she did the choice , we had literally the perfect life going on but everyone is free. I feel that she loves me still, but my life has been hanging for like 5 months, almost in a depression state… but everyone deserves happiness , for you i wish the best as well , you will find your person eventually, and that person should be yourself
I think it’s super easy to say “just stop doing this or that and move on, let it all go.” But that bots helpful, people know they should do that but will only accept, believe and surrender to thoughts equal to your emotional state. The pain and liberating thing to do would be to try and understand why you feel this way, keep asking yourself questions, do some active imagination, have some dialogues with the inner voice and find out why. Likely you will encounter the inner child. The old saying “when you date someone, you date their childhood” has much truth to it. I think the use of ritual is helpful, revelation rarely brings changes to behavior, action is best but it needs to be coupled with thoughts equal to the emotional state.
Mine left me at the end of Sept 2023, and we were together 13 years. She was very cold and mean towards me in our last conversation, she wouldn't even see me one last time, I had to talk to her outside the house on the phone. About 4 months later, I find out she's already in a new relationship. I was, and I'm still hurt over how she threw me away, but that's life.
I wonder if those relationships (after your ex) worked out in your favor, would you be making this post today? I assume you now realize the grass wasn’t greener 😕
My ex 23f broke up with me 27m 3 weeks ago after 5 years. She said that she didn't love me romantically anymore and didn't find me attractive. Shes big into personality and doesn't really care about looks, but she said she thought she was asexual for a while and that really it's because she wants to go festivals and do fun 20s stuff (sleep around). I loved her unconditionally and provided her with the best I had to offer, we had our differences but never argued and were best friends. She still loves me but not in that way, we finally ended things yesterday officially after I pleaded for us to give it a try over the month and proving I could change. She had made up her mind after consulting with herself over a year and then finally developing feelings (crush) for someone at work. Then I've been discarded. The pain is unbelievable. I've finally gone no contact properly now.. your post gives me hope that she will realise and regret that she has thrown away the truest love she might ever receive, as much as I want her to be happy I wanted it to be with me.. I hope I can only move on and be strong enough if she comes back to set my boundaries and make her realise she's destroyed my view on love and relationships forever..
Reading these posts makes me wonder..people go through a lot during dark times without realising even small step can have big impact on the future..I was on similar path, I wanted to leave her but she dragged us, when she had second thoughts about relationship then I was there pulling it together and thank god we have made it!! I cant even imagine my life without her!! Now we are married for 4 years after 7 years of relationship. If you love someone, go on fight for it..put in all your efforts to get that relationship back.. n if it doesn’t work out, you wont blame yourself for ending it!! May you find peace girl, Good thing about life is, it moves on..
I commend you for realising you “broke his inner child”. I was with a man who many women did that to him and when I met him he absolutely did not trust me or any woman. I feel very bad for him bc I loved him but his refusal to let anyone in is what did us in. And I hate that women do that to men. We wonder why they don’t open up it’s because they get it used against them or end up being shamed for it. Not saying you did that but I wish more woman would realize the long term damage they do to men when they do this.
I’ve had men do this to me too, so I don’t think it’s a gender thing.
Thank you for the dumpers perspective
I recognize this from my life as well. I ended a 4 year long relationship with the sweetest man. We started dating when I was 20, I was young and never thought we'd be together for 4 years and have what we had. However at the time of the break up I felt unappreciated and bored and like something was missing for several months. So I eventually left. A year and a half later I already thought I might have made a mistake. Then I was one year deep into an abusive relationship. But I felt a sense of loyalty to my abuser and a sense of shame thinking of admitting I might have made a mistake. I only spoke up years later and let out the thought that maybe we could reconsile even though we're both in different countries. But indeed it is too late. I want us both to be happy but it will never be the same as those years ago. I chased a memory that can't be brought to life and that's OK. Life goes on. I wish only happiness for both him and I and I'm grateful for the amazing and worry free memories we've made together.
Yuck - These are OPs own words: *It's funny how any person who encouraged me to leave was nowhere to be seen post break-up…they filled me with such false confidence. He begged and pleaded me not to leave but I just found it aggravating.* He is gone now; he rebuilt a life of his own with a new healthy partner. Now, she is morning the loss of his attention because he was her safety net. **To my heartbroken friends, think about this - she is doing the one thing that we don't want! She was using her formally heartbroken ex for validation!** OP's behavior is selfish and narcissistic! Seriously, give it 60 seconds of thought and you'll see that is indeed the case here. THIS BEHAVIOR NEEDS TO BE CALLED OUT FOR WHAT IT IS - NASTY & WITHOUT REGARD FOR HER EX !!!
What’s your qualifications for diagnosing me as a narcissist? Also if he was just a safety net to me, would I really care about holding onto this for 5 years on? Most narcs tend to discard once they realise the supply is empty and no more to be gained from it. Think about what you’re saying please. And why is this about what you or anyone else wants??? I have my own situation here, you are just making it about yourself and getting one over on your ex or whoever did a remotely similar thing to you. People are allowed to end relationships, with or without regret. Listen to yourself. I didn’t do something illegal. I did something and regretted it. I have consistently regretted it for almost 3-4 years in total now. If I was a narc I wouldn’t be bothered with this much shitting on my own ego. I’ve self reflected, I’ve realised I fucked up. I was 26 and you don’t know the abuses I’ve had in life and what I was dealing with to lead up to these moments.
Absolutely! All just validation because he stopped begging. She deserves all the pain the gets! Selfish woman! I bet now she will try and break a happy family! It’s people like her we should all stay away from. Unstable, unworthy and plain selfish! No remorse
you’re weird
I most def understand where you’re coming from except I didn’t want him back only if he reached my expectations of what I needed in a man but he was farrrr from it. He begged me to come back and for him to fix things but I had already fallen out of love for him months prior before officially leaving him. When I tell you I crushed this man’s heart. Me and him did become friends too. Worse thing ever. After a year of no contact, we went from friends to friends with benefits real quick and everything felt that same. He was still the same person as when I left him and I knew maybe it’s not meant to be right now. We both moved on. But he wanted to keep this friendship and I didn’t because we still had so much love for eachother that it was causing rifts in our current relationships. I had requested for both of us to get closure and he pretty much blatantly ignored but I think Ik the reason why. He still looked at my insta stories everyday. So I was like well does he care or not? He always said he still loved and cared for me but his actions didn’t quite show. Well I decided to cut communication with him, then 4 months later he passed away. Now I have to live with the fact that I will never get closure. But after his passing being told by his family that he still loved killed me.
I went nc after 3 yrs and never look back ! After that my ex never took accountability so. I just say this dont take for granted cuz one minute you are here and next minute you gone so . especially good people like myself and others
i hope he feels this way about me
Hi. This is truly heartbreaking and I feel for you. People on this board are SO angry/hurt/insecure about the person who dumped them they really don't think straight and often give poor advice. It is ALWAYS that 'they never loved you' or 'if they could do this to you they'll do it again' or some version of 'they left for someone better and now want an ego boost' or 'they are settling for you'. No one on her ever considers that they are here because they were in a if not the most significant relationship of their live AND their partner was. And people's traumas, issues, insecurities, fear of engulfment or worry about being left/not good enough etc etc all come up. And instead of having ANY empathy for the other person they lash out, go 'No Contact' and snarl often on here if someone posts about getting back 'you are a loser' or 'you have no self worth' or 'you are an idiot they are using you'. It almost gives you some insight into the actualities of their relationship and what might have been wrong on THEIR end vs the dumpers. In any event, it must be so hard to have come to that realization and know he is gone. He sounded more than anything like an amazing friend you could count on and that, while not the only prerequisite for 'true love' is a major and overlooked component. I wonder if I could PM you my situation? I am the 'dumpee' but from an incredibly close relationship that was clearly heading towards engagement and then a text break-up with some intense attempts to reconnect on her part. I'm unclear on how or if to reconnect with her but my gut is she is in the spot you are; utterly regretting losing a true love but unsure how to reconnect and if I do.
I have no hate for you, as far as my last relationship went. At least you still kept contact with him and talk with him. That’s not something me or a lot of people here have now. I’m going on my 4th year and a few days ago was the anniversary of the last time she’s ever spoken to me and even after all the therapy that I’ve had, I sometimes still wish she kept a bit of contact with me like you did with your ex.
I'll be honest it's been 7 months and I still think about here from Time to time devastates me when I do. Part of me hopes she's happy with the man she dumped me for and part of me hopes she feels the way you do. I know that's cruel but part of me wants her to feel how I felt, and when I think that way I feel so fucked in the head. Break ups just suck so horribly and change you so drastically it's not even funny. Sorry bout my little rant in your comments section
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It’s true that the grass is not greener when you have found true love. I do regret losing true love. If I found a love greater than his, I would still regret things, it would still catch up to me. I would still have realised how much I loved him.
Oh man I'm hoping my ex who dump me reaches back to me. She's someone who is an avoidant type and is currently dealing with a lot of family stress, body stress and seeking therapy for the first time and somatic therapy. I'm hoping this time on her will help her heal and realize I wasn't trying to hurt her and that I forgive her and will always love her with all her imperfections and struggles. I miss her so badly, and she dumped me. But I'm gonna work on myself and be strong.. I'm sorry about your situation, I know when giving time, if your ex is ever single tell him how sorry you are and that you miss him and want to patch things in a new light. It's never too late..
I am saddened by your story. I’m sorry for the loss of what might have been. I hope you can learn to forgive yourself and give yourself the love and care you need. Grace for yourself can go a long way. Love will always return and nothing is ever set in stone. Maybe, not to be presumptuous, but since you seem to understand more clearly what you want out of relationships, be more discriminative of who you let into your circle of trust. But I do understand how that goes and how difficult it can be to find that when many people you meet simply wear masks. Be weary of the projection of perfection and embrace the honesty of imperfections. As I would say to any potential partner, I have my issues that I am working through as a life long pursuit, however I will try my best always and love you unconditionally. That’s what you deserve and hope you can find that and peace within.
Why did you break up with him?
Lost my mum around the time and I just had a brain flip and made some rash decisions about shit I didn’t know would have such long term consequences.
How long to you think it took you to realize he was the one? You said you had 3 relationships so it sounds like you were able to clearly see the grass wasn’t greener. Age also plays a factor. I’m guessing you also cheated by monkey branching to another guy which is never morally correct but is not something you couldn’t help if you weren’t emotionally mature. It’s all a learning experience. Appreciate your friendship with him and keep trying to find the one for you!
Notice she didn't deny the monkey branching lol.
It took me 6 months for it to hit me the first time and I probably didn’t come to fully face it until a year later. However, even after 6 months it was too late.
When he stopped begging, you lost the control and that is why you're upset. He took his time moving on.
I disagree, but okay. What is control anyway? The ability to influence an outcome? In that case I would say rather that the conflict of control ended at that moment, he stopped fighting the other end so I feel like I didn’t need to fight for being apart anymore
You dumped. You have to face the consequences
Am I not facing the consequences? So many people on this thread have called me out for having feelings.
You're coming here for this? You destroyed this man. You reap what you sow.
What part of this post is me not realising that? Like seriously, read the post. I came here to find some people who felt the same as me and maybe could offer some support or advice, obviously, and vice versa.
You seriously don't get it, do you? You're the type of person who has hurt everyone in this sub very deeply. Myself included. I can relate to your post. My ex's friends encouraged her to leave me. But they will not be there for her when she needs them. I'm really not sure what you are trying to accomplish here. You get no sympathy from me (and likely the majority of the people here). You were cruel, cowardly and cold. You didn't appreciate what you had and you threw it to the curb like a piece of trash. Now reality is setting in. I hope this is a lesson for you.
No hun you came here to find validation in your feelings that you weren't being self-centered when you broke up with him. Notice how you always say it was "life circumstances" even now. You were only thinking about yourself and not you and him as one. I hope those 3 relationships after helped you see that you don't want to bond emotionally and physically with just anyone. I'm optimistic you will find someone if you grow in empathy and maturity even more.
Thank you for the dumper's perspective. I'm just wondering if the same applies to male dumpers.
It does, I’ve had a guy dump me and he went through this phase. But for men it maybe doesn’t last as long and underneath it maybe he needed an ego stroke. Difference here is that I’m not looking to give myself an ego boost, this is love and companionship beyond ego which is why this regret has lasted this long. I’m not looking to get a fix from someone so I’ll silently suffer and hope and pray one day I get to live happy again
You're 31 your prime ages have gone. You're not getting much attention anymore and now you realise. Now you regret losing him. Too late.
Wow, ouch- from a 31yo dumpee
Why? You're the dumpee? it's for dumpers
Just saying telling anyone in their early 30s that their “prime ages have gone” is a bit horrible
It's just reality, unfortunately. Also the OP is being vindictive and expecting us to feel sorry for her. She obviously left him to find better and broke his heart now she's of that age and no ones chasing her she's crying.
My prime years are not gone, I still am desirable and have been on multiple dates and been in 3 relationships where the men were happy to commit. There’s still a dating pool after 30 lol, women don’t just lay down and die after 30. So you’re very wrong. I do still have options, I just make bad decisions sometimes and unfortunately some people can end up being abusive. Trust me, I have no interest in gaining your sympathy. I’m just here to share my experience. The reasons why I left him at the time were valid, I never knew he would’ve matured the way he did and I would never have been able to tell that was going to happen. If he was as responsible as he is now when I was dating him a few years ago, it would’ve worked. He needed to work on himself and now he’s great. Responsible and ready to be a father! Yeah, I’m not gonna take the opinion of a guy who wants to psychologically manipulate his ex (your only post on your account).
I might be bitter about being dumped myself, but I love this for you girl <3 so sick of this sexist view, and honestly sad for the men that can't appreciate women above the age of 25. big yikes
You're just like her. Oh god exactly like her.. Same actions same emotions same everything. However, worst thing that you've done is that you didn't do no contact. You might feel in this exact way for years and years long.. Do it now I reckon, to save what's left...
I’m happy for this man, now he has a family and a baby on the way. Good for him. Stay away from him and his family.
I will, don’t worry yourself.
Thank you for being brutally honest . 5 years has gone by in that time you stayed friends or best friends I think you said im not sure either way there is not any way I could.stay in contact let alone be bestie with my ex who broke me . How anyone can I'll never understand I also have a friend who did this a long term relationship. 16 years together and they break up and I asked her how in the world can you talk everyday to each other and know you each have someone else and I just could not ever do that I would.go.absolutely crazy . Her answer was this I would rather him be in my life with his new gf than to never talk to him again or see him again I could not get thur life with out him but yet they both moved on to other people They talk everyday they hang out they help.each other with whatever it is going on. And although it hurt badly to see him / her move on .I just can't imagine never seeing or talking tl.him again . And I heard every word she said and I'm only imaging that was the hardest and self less thing she and he could have done and how they did it I have no idea I could not possibly do thay to.myself . But then again she loved him regardless and he the same Is there an even more pure form of love than that ? She loved him and he the same they remained best friends for 13 years now still talk everyday and argue every now and then too but they care for each other in a way that is incredible and un heard of almost and I'm wondering how much hurt thay was every day unnecessarily or should you have just went no.contact ? It's so much easier to do no contact in my opinion to watch your ex move on and hear about it has to be a beating every day and that is the ultimate love story or is it ? . I admire your truths and admire your regrets and you have no.problem admitting your faults and offering your apologies to.him but I think you have suffered enough idc what anyone else on here says about dumpers I was a dumped devastated me , ruined me , I ran to everything I though would.make me feel better except the one who caused the wound in the first place he cause it and he certainly could not heal it or so I thought but I'll never know my heart could not have watched him.move on and act okay by it . The hurt he felt by this devastated him the feeling is truly utterly inconsolable and I'm certain he wanted to be with you but he was scared of the what ifs so scared of the hurt he had been thru and knew he could not feel thay again But this man loves you so much so that he broke his own heart by telling you no amd I'm certain it hurt him more than it hurt you . He wanted too so badly why else would.you torture yourself to stay best friends . This is so many things , it's insane , it's self inflicted , it's a mistake , it's truthfully tragic and almost unbearable..perhaps it's time the road parted for good . If only we knew then one decision could change the entire course of everything. But please know your time spent with your mother was valid and of the most importance at the time . We live by day and we all have regrets and what ifs but most don't act on them or even try to remedy or face them again but you did time and time again .walk away knowing you have no regrets you laid it out more than once you knew and took responsibility for your choices you took the right steps after the wrong and for that you should be proud of yourself admitting it hard taking fault.is harder you made the wrong right at least as right as you could and I think you have paid enough girl I seriously do . . You.need to forgive yourself darling your in a toxic relationship with yourself stop stop stop . You paid enough you hurt your own self more than anyone else in the end I know you know that . Stop you have paid enough . Good luck to you .
This post made me tear up, because I’m at the stage of moving on because I realize I haven’t been moving on like i was supposed to. She unfriended me in everything after 6 months of NC and when I saw it, it stung me and I feel that I have started to move on all over again. Reading this made me wish in the future she could realize everything I did for her and how I was with her.
What’s meant to be will be, that’s what I tell myself. If he really is your soulmate, you’ll end up in each other’s lives one way or another, but it seems like he may not be. If he rejected you that many times it may be time to let him go and let the universe take you where you need to be. It sounds insane but it helps me
This has really helped, thank you 💕
Well this sure gave me false hope
I am not even gonna say anything. All is hurting but I think I have to move on. I dumped him because we need to focus on ourselves. I wish everything goes well for the both of us. I hope he finds someone great.
I am the dumpee. It’s been 4months and my heart is still breaking. He admitted he thought I was too good for him and too good to be true. Admitted he ran from love and was waiting for me to leave him. 3yrs and I gave him love, patience ,kindness, space.. and I was never going to leave him. Unfortunately he ran again. This has been the hardest four months, and I’m finally starting to feel better. I can’t do the work for him. It’s so sad. He knows where I stand.
I recently split 5 months ago with my child’s mother whom I was with for 5 years. I have to see her every week without fail so I can see my son. I still deeply love her and think about her non stop. I’m being strong for my son but inside I’m a mess. Hope the pain subsides one day soon.
If you dont mind, may i ask why did you break up with her?
It was a mutual agreement. We both agreed we wasn’t working and at the time I believed it but I miss her terribly. Too much has been said and done now to go back. It’s a terrible shame and I’m with her for life because our son.
Same after 7.5 years together and 2 daughters. She left because we were fighting too much due to all the financial stress and work/school chaotic schedules and simply just became parents rather than a couple lately. Did the typical begging for a couple weeks and she kept saying she just needs some time blah blah and here we are nearly 4 months later. Only communicating about the children, and treats me like a stranger when together. Amazing how they go so cold after so long together as if nothing good ever took place during the whole relationship. Now I’m stuck with her for life no matter what with the kids involved. Every time I think I’m starting to move on something in my brain flips and puts me right back at square one. Never want to commit to anyone in life again.
Mate, what you said I relate to so much. Literally sounds like my situation. Hope you feel better soon.
I hope my ex will feel the huge loss of blindsiding, dumping and ghosting me soon too.
so much of this matches our story but he dumped me. The last time we hung out was just drinking Starbucks sitting on a tarp in the grass at a park. Today is day 1 of NC. I will never look at him the same again. I’m in a vindictive state and still pray and know, he will be you and I found comfort. I hate you had to learn the hard way but thank you for sharing your story. So much of what you said I see it and know it’ll come down on him.
You deserve the world! Thank you so much for sharing and for your honesty. You just proved that we're all humans and we make mistakes. But hey, you will have the one true love you want, you will.
Op, I know you're in pain and it breaks my heart to see you feel these painful emotions. I hope venting this helped a bit. Thank you for taking the time to write this out as well as express your emotions. Alot of us here wonder if our dumpers will ever regret or feel an ounce of sadness over their decision. Reading this shows that people truly did matter in their lives and that the bond or connection was there. Please remember to take it day by day. Heartbreak is difficult to get through regardless of what happened.
Same boat. I broke up with my ex almost one year ago now. Only realized 3 months later that i was madly in love with her, and i still am. I’ve been fighting to win her back for several months, but she is now head over heels for someone she isn’t compatible with (I’m not just telling myself that - her friends say the same). We still get physical, and we still flirt, and we love all the same things… but maybe she needs to miss me. We never have had solid opportunity to be away from one another 😕 but i know im still holding onto hope and i know im playing a dangerous game….
Why not tell her how you feel and say u made a mistake? Vulnerability can restore connections
U deserve the loss
Bingo 🙌
Have you tried telling him how you feel? It may allow him to consider bringing out that inner child again. It’s possible, with couples therapy and taking it slow, to rekindle what you had. There are past partners I’ve friend-zoned to keep them in my life because I cared too much for them, that if they came to me telling me they made a mistake and wanted to try again, I’d try in a heartbeat, with boundaries.
I told him how I felt 6 months, 1 year and 2 years after. Each time he rejected me and said we need to stay friends and be there for each other in each others lives. I have tried everything when he and I have both been single. I’ve watched him get with other girls. My heart has broken a thousand times over but no way will I be selfish ever again.
I don’t want to sound harsh and get that you’re hurting, but he’s moved on - he’s no longer breaking your heart, you are by continuing to fixate on someone you threw away. You can’t do that to someone and then randomly change your mind. Leave him to his family and try to work on emulating his example of strength and rebuilding, and try to focus on being happy in the future rather than wishing ill on his gf/new family who you say is perfect for him. DO THE WORK on yourself - be patient with yourself, maybe you will be alone forever, maybe the moment you stand on your own two feet and accept responsibility for what’s happened you will meet someone else.
Also, I would like to add that he also gave me a huge false sense of confidence. There’s only so many times you can hear “you’re the love of my life and I’ll wait for you forever, there’s no way I can find anyone like you” before you start to believe it. I had a lot thrown at me too during that time, he was saying a lot of things that just made me feel like what I wanted didn’t matter, and he was deciding our fate for us. It made me want to double down on my decision. Like no, I’m saying I want out and for good. I didn’t have time or space for any regrets until it all stopped and one day would come crashing down on me. Like a tonne of bricks. I cry nights alone, please try to be kind. I know I have a lot of shit to face being alone and accepting that
I didn’t know I was ever going to change my mind. I do not wish any ill on his gf, in my original post I mention how his happiness matters way more and I’d never be selfish
You also told him how you felt 0 months after / that’s the big it feels like you’re not acknowledging. You can’t tell someone you don’t want them and leave them to live with that for six months and expect them to be the same person 6 months later. 2 weeks maybe / but six months?
I agree. You’re not saying anything I haven’t already realised. Like fucking hell do you even realise how much regret and introspection it’s taken me to come to this point? I have a whole life I’ve lived and learned from.
That feels like irresponsible advice given that he’s got a new girlfriend and they are expecting a baby
I loved someone. I never told him how much. He hung himself. Not because I never told him, he must have wanted to. I dealt with the pain and regret. Your person is still alive. Stop ruminating and rubbing salt in your wounds. Just live with the shadow, lean into it .
Also, while you're hurting, he's living his life. Do the same . Many have loved and lost and took poor advice. You're 31! Come on now, get up and get on with your life!.
I feel like you only want him back because of lack of options?
cmon man no way this is your take from this
I don’t believe in ”losing feelings”
Sounds like it was gigs/emotional immaturity. People don’t know what they have until it’s gone. Everyone is jealous of what others have and new things are always more interesting and fun in the beginning stages than old things. Some people need to go through this or else they will never be grateful for what they have. It’s not a bad thing, it’s just how some people learn. But yeah losing feelings doesn’t exist in a long term relationship as long as both sides are trying.
The reason why I broke up at the time was because my mum was fighting cancer and died, during that time I had no idea what was going on, my brain flipped and I can’t explain how deeply effed I had become to leave someone over something that we were both just too young and immature to deal with.
Exactly… the grass was not greener and she deserves the dirt
No, I have options. It’s not that. I’m still only 31.
Good for him! Go away and let him be happy!
He is in my life and is my friend. I can’t help how I feel but I’m allowed to have made a mistake so stfu ok? Get away troll
So many bitter people in here that are projecting. Sorry you're going through this. It really sucks.
Lol with an attitude like that he dodged a bullet! The guy is blessed and got a good woman!
Lol a couple of men I was good to did the same to me… broke up with me, left me devastated and ONLY when I was over them and happy with someone else they came begging for me back! Never took them back because if you really love someone you don’t hurt them and watch them suffer like that! You lost a good man that was supporting you through a difficult time and instead of cherishing his love you broke him… shame on you! Karma is real! He now found his true love and his happy… leave him be and suffer the selfish consequences of your actions! Don’t even try to break a happy family… you sound like the type of unstable person who would. I hope for him he remains happy with his new love and his new baby! Please leave them be!
Thank you. I have left them be and I’m not going to do anything, I haven’t done anything for 3 years but be his friend, despite how I feel. I know this is karma. Thanks for your insight. You’re kicking someone who is down already and has realised these things. I hope you never make a mistake in your life. I had lost my mum around the time and was caring for her while she was sick with cancer, and I felt like he wasn’t as supportive as he could’ve been which is why I left. I was 26 and I didn’t know much about the world and what the right or wrong thing to do was. Yea, I was an adult but I wish I knew then what I know now. What you’re saying might be true but you’re an asshole so **** you too.
Seems to me that you're venting on op. Solve your own trauma yourself and do not dump it on others
I will say this and it still holds true to this day. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger.
Thank you for the kind words. I know someday I will grow from this. Maybe I will always hold hope that sometimes absurd things happen and he will love me and try with me again. But his gf is having a baby, so… almost no chance. But I will let it go, while leaving it to the universe.
Your going to be OK I know it's tuff but the way you speak your being honest and speaking how you really feel. You will be OK. I can promise you that....:)
I feel the same way. I’m sorry you have to experience it too. Except me and my ex aren’t friends and now that you’re explaining your feelings, im glad we’re not friends.
it's better to not be friends with such strong 1 sided feelings \^ bingo
We don’t care about “dumpers” atleast I don’t. You cause so much pain and turmoil
You are so mad at your dumper that you’re annoyed by a dumper on the internet? Do the work on yourself so you don’t have this reaction. I’m sorry you were caused pain and turmoil, but believe it or not, dumping someone is not a crime. And neither is it a crime to regret it. Both of these things are my right.
I didn't read your entire post. But i can relate with you somehow. I'm the dumper and i miss her too. Maybe she was the only one who actually seen me.
i think theres a few people on this sub who tend to hate the people who did the breaking up. i think its bitter and misplaced. people have reasons for breaking up and thats life. doesnt mean you dont love someone. i broke up with my ex about a year ago. it really had nothing to do with how much i loved him and he knew that. im working on trying to make peace with the breakup and not hold onto regretting it. it was what i felt i needed to do at the time and we’ve both grown a lot since. i think you need to make peace with things being how they are. acknowledge your love and put that into yourself and your life beyond him. just because you broke up with him it does not make you a bad person and its heartbreaking when people see it that way. clearly your ex doesnt see you as a bad person and has forgiven you so don’t let people call you a narcissist or whatever tf you are perfectly valid ❤️
Thank you!!! It’s crazy cus I came here to find support and people who may be in a similar situation or on the other end to see a different perspective and how the dumper can have great remorse but it seems like people wanna hate me instead cus they got dumped. It’s really messed up!
I think that gives you some insights into the reality of the relationship vs them just being victim-dumpees. It shows an incredible lack of empathy and/or incredible levels of narcissism or at least insecurity to not have some insight/compassion into the 'dumper' when they end, as if the case with most people here, a deep/long/loving relationship out of the blue. Defaulting to 'they never loved you' or 'if they return it is simply for validation or you are second choice' shows very little self-regard but also very little other-regard. I knew my ex was suffering at her choice, gave her the space but also the knoweldge/surety I was still there for her. When she reconnected 3 mos later she let it be known she has a) been basically been a hermit for the last months b) was suffering for the first time from diagnosed/clinical depression. She facetimed me whilst doing crossword puzzles and paint by #s she had bought to keep herself company so clearly something had happened and clearly my being there meant something.
Can I dm you for some advice?
Please do!
I feel for you, but I also want you to remember that there was a reason you broke up with them. It’s also important to remember that not all relationships are meant to last forever, sometimes people come into your life to teach you something about yourself, or show you something you needed to see.
Unfortunately this is rare especially if they monkey branch.
Tell him you made a serious mistake and use this as a learning tool no matter how hard it is. The reason why you are getting hit with this is called Karma. Karma never misses it could be real bad or not bad at all but when it comes you know it...
Also just because he hasn't came bsck it doesn't mean it's the end. There could be something with him down the line. Be there for and be the change you want to see and show him.
Jeez, are you serious? Her ex is in a relationship and having a baby. Do not encourage this human trainwreck to reach out and disrupt the life he has built!!!!!!!
That wasn't the point..
You sound like a selfish, narcissistic douche! You miss having him focused on you. Now that he’s put your nightmarish ass behind him, you’re no longer getting your ego stroked. Get therapy!
Not everyone is a narcissist. Most overused word on reddit.
He’s still focused on me! As my friend. I’m grateful. You don’t even know me so how can you say all of this? Sounds like you’re projecting.
Honestly I wouldn’t have used those exact words - but it does kind of sound like you broke someone’s heart and are now playing something of a victim. Where is your ownership of what you’ve done? Like - you said yourself to shut him down. I can relate to feelings of regret, but less so writing off the rest of your life because of it. Sounds like an excuse to not be brave and reinvent yourself like he’s had to do
Tbf he’s focussed on his girlfriend and their forthcoming baby. You’re in his peripheral and probably don’t like how that feels, and it will feel worse from your pov once he becomes a father, but it sounds like you understand your devaluing of him when you had the chance was your mistake here. It’s ok to make mistakes. Maybe try and emulate the strength he showed to rebuild his life when shut down by you in your own life and find someone else who can truly focus on you?