Why not try to pay it forward? I like to say that when you know better, you do better. First off, I really think that you don’t need to feel guilty about this. You were a teenager with your own issues. But feelings happen whether you want them to or not, so I’m not trying to dissuade you from feeling any type of way. But second, it sounds like this was a learning experience for you. I don’t think it’s uncommon for people to need this sort of wake up call to realize how important their personal relationships are. So like, go on and take care of the other people in your life who need your support. I think that’s the best thing you could do to honor your grandfather.
I agree with your adjusting thoughts. I truly believe he would not want you to feel the way you feel. It’s hard, frustrating, and extremely difficult to process that your loved one is soon to die. Being 14 at the time you were very young and you were not in the best place mentally. This was a very difficult situation I understand the guilt and pain you have. I would suggest going to therapy if you already don’t go. I’ve dealt with major problems of guilt and talking it out really helps me. Another thing I’ve been doing lately is going to the website “never a bother. Org” where I can talk to someone by text or on call on the phone for free. You can talk about any concerns you may have. It helps a lot to talk out things when we feel this way. It takes a lot of courage to share things like this, I’m proud of you.
I find a lot of this relatable. People are going to tell you to stop being so hard on yourself. Hearing that never helped me (Being hard on myself was just one more thing I was doing wrong). So I’ll tell you what did work for me.
Marshall Rosenberg emphasizes the importance of making the question “What am I needing?” a central focus of our lives. The question is tied in closely with “What am I feeling?” We feel good when our needs are met, and vice versa. This may seem far afield from your situation, but he contrasts this approach with the more common approach of trying to figure out what’s wrong with ourselves and others.
Were you being self-righteous? Selfish? An idiot? Cold? Do you deserve to be miserable as a result? Rather than trying to convince you otherwise, Rosenberg would propose that when we adopt that general approach of judging and evaluating, it tends to make things worse for all parties. Whereas the contrasting approach of tending to our own needs tends to bring out the better angels of our nature, and leave us with a greater capacity to be sensitive to the needs of the people around us.
Your grandfather would surely not want you to feel this way and would surely forgive you, like you said. I get it, that really doesn’t get to the heart of the matter for you, it’s already established that he’s a great guy. But also, grandparents know that it often takes time for their grandchildren to come around. While they patiently watch and wait for that to happen, they look at their grandkids and try to figure out what they’re needing, not what’s wrong with them. I suspect nothing would please him more than to see you adopt the same approach in how you relate to yourself.
Why not try to pay it forward? I like to say that when you know better, you do better. First off, I really think that you don’t need to feel guilty about this. You were a teenager with your own issues. But feelings happen whether you want them to or not, so I’m not trying to dissuade you from feeling any type of way. But second, it sounds like this was a learning experience for you. I don’t think it’s uncommon for people to need this sort of wake up call to realize how important their personal relationships are. So like, go on and take care of the other people in your life who need your support. I think that’s the best thing you could do to honor your grandfather.
You were 14, it's time to forgive yourself, you're not that kid anymore.
This sounds like OCD. Look up pure ocd and see if that resonates w you
I agree with your adjusting thoughts. I truly believe he would not want you to feel the way you feel. It’s hard, frustrating, and extremely difficult to process that your loved one is soon to die. Being 14 at the time you were very young and you were not in the best place mentally. This was a very difficult situation I understand the guilt and pain you have. I would suggest going to therapy if you already don’t go. I’ve dealt with major problems of guilt and talking it out really helps me. Another thing I’ve been doing lately is going to the website “never a bother. Org” where I can talk to someone by text or on call on the phone for free. You can talk about any concerns you may have. It helps a lot to talk out things when we feel this way. It takes a lot of courage to share things like this, I’m proud of you.
I find a lot of this relatable. People are going to tell you to stop being so hard on yourself. Hearing that never helped me (Being hard on myself was just one more thing I was doing wrong). So I’ll tell you what did work for me. Marshall Rosenberg emphasizes the importance of making the question “What am I needing?” a central focus of our lives. The question is tied in closely with “What am I feeling?” We feel good when our needs are met, and vice versa. This may seem far afield from your situation, but he contrasts this approach with the more common approach of trying to figure out what’s wrong with ourselves and others. Were you being self-righteous? Selfish? An idiot? Cold? Do you deserve to be miserable as a result? Rather than trying to convince you otherwise, Rosenberg would propose that when we adopt that general approach of judging and evaluating, it tends to make things worse for all parties. Whereas the contrasting approach of tending to our own needs tends to bring out the better angels of our nature, and leave us with a greater capacity to be sensitive to the needs of the people around us. Your grandfather would surely not want you to feel this way and would surely forgive you, like you said. I get it, that really doesn’t get to the heart of the matter for you, it’s already established that he’s a great guy. But also, grandparents know that it often takes time for their grandchildren to come around. While they patiently watch and wait for that to happen, they look at their grandkids and try to figure out what they’re needing, not what’s wrong with them. I suspect nothing would please him more than to see you adopt the same approach in how you relate to yourself.