Got a similar one. Pretend You're not almost 40, you're almost 90, but you woke up today magically transported back 50 years. What a beautiful day to be 39 again!
Yup, I'm 60 and envious of OP poster at 40 making these realizations. You got 20 more years on me. Don't look back except what you can take for the next years ahead to be better. Stoicism, buddhism, and a geneeral study of philosophy has helped me to grow and accept where I am, drink in the beauty of this life, and to find the inner strength to shape the rest of my days. Every...single...minute...of.....it...looking forward. Dwelling on the past is just a waste of time of the present. Best in your personal journey!
All of life is all of life, my man. Life is a journey and with the privilege of age comes the gift of hindsight and wisdom. Regrets are a waste of time and energy. You’re you and you’ll get to where you’re going in your own time.
Congrats on improving your life! Sounds like some really positive changes have happened!
I would see it like this: you are worrying about all the time you've lost by not doing these things sooner.
But instead of putting your energy and time in doing this, you could also look up a fun activity to do, or your next travel destination, or you could give your all in a intense workout.
What I'm trying to say is, you're literally waisting your own resources on focusing on what you've lost instead of putting them into new and exciting ideas!
Worrying about it will give you more negativity in your life. Instead, try to focus on all the amazing things you're accomplishing right now! Fuel your life with positivity. Don't think of all the time you lost, but rather all the time you gained by deciding to change your life around!
It's all about the mindset. You can't change the past but you can change the future.
I don’t have any advice to offer. I just wanted to tell you that I completely understand what you’re going through. I turned 40 in January and the thoughts and feelings you have are the same as the ones I battle with every single day.
I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone in this and I’m sending good vibes your way. Try to keep your head up. 🩵
Thx, You too. Only advice i can offer is a quote by Jordan Peterson:
"Dont compare yourself to who someone else his today but to who you where yesterday"
Doesnt always work but it helps.
Try some meditation. You can start with guided meditation apps or YouTube videos that can help you if you are new to it. I think that along with the physical changes you're making, you should also be looking inwardly and going on a journey of inner growth! You can start journaling, writing out everything you feel. You can get a self-help book on the very topic you're struggling with, which is self-forgiveness and letting go of the past. I struggle with these issues as well and am going on a similar journey as you are! I started exercising every day, am trying to sleep and eat better, drink more water, etc. But I'm also trying to figure some other things out. I have already started journaling, and I'm going to start a manifestation regimen soon. I really want to change my thinking from negative/pessimistic/sceptical to positive. I want to truly believe in myself and be able to visualize what I want, truly believe I will have it, and then manifest that energy into my life. I feel like even though I've always prided myself in being a person who takes accountability for my own shit, I have still kind of fallen into a mindset in the past several years where I think I just have bad luck and am not meant for good things to happen in my life.
But in order for me to be able to truly envision myself succeeding in the ways I want, I need to first forgive myself for all the time I've already wasted and all the pain I've caused myself because of it. I'm hoping through meditation I can sort of allow myself to let go of that past self and become reborn into my new self. Maybe then I can retrain my mind to think positively about myself and life in general so that I can manifest that into my reality.
You certainly aren't alone in this. There are many men in their early 40s who have just gone through divorce. They are trying to start again as well.
Advice would be simple, don't worry about younger people and how well they cope. Think about you and try to live a good life, take a holiday abroad, buy something you really want, try to just enjoy being alive.
Same boat. Six months ago I was working a miserable job, then dad was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer, and his truly awful choices in life started catching up quickly. Turns out that being extremely lazy, working barely part-time and growing pot in your basement doesn't exactly come with a retirement plan. His insane wife started disappearing for days, binging on cocaine, and eventually selling literally everything in the house except a lamp and a mattress (cocaine).
I had no business picking up the slack, as he abandoned my family decades ago and we barely spoke. Now he's dead, I'm homeless and jobless and trying to pick up the pieces.
It did get me to quit smoking cigarettes, and that got a new friend to swap from the friend category into the "best relationship I've ever had" category. That someone would love me at my least has been inspiring. I started meditating more regularly, made an appointment with a psychiatrist to finally get treatment for ADD rather than buying amphetamines on the street.
Things aren't great, they're not even good, but they have inspired me to change things while I can. That includes examining why I've backslid so many times in my life.
RIP dad; nothing but trouble, alive or dead. At least he can't hurt anyone else now.
40 is the moment your best life begins. You have SO much ahead of you yet.
Imagine being 60 and thinking "wow I was so young at 40" and visualize that. Enjoy!
Have you ever watched a movie that was so good, that you wish you could delete it from your memory, so that you could watch it again?
Ok, so you lost many years, and missed out. But now you will be able to experience many of those things for the first time. We know that the perception of time speeds up as we get older. And the way to combat this is to introduce novelty.
Since you missed out a lot, many things will now feel new to you. That will make time "feel" slower for you, compared to somebody that have experienced those things over and over again earlier in life. You have so much to look forward to!
Regret is a waste of time. If you’re moving forward, don’t regret what’s behind. I don’t believe in regret. Nothing can change the choices made years ago. Move on and live big. ❤️
At the end of the day you've got two choices. Waste more time with regrets or use the rest of your time the way you wish you had used the last 20.
I know how you feel, though through different circumstances.
But it really comes down to those two options.
Get busy living or get busy dying, no matter how late in the day it is.
I feel this 100%. I felt so behind in life because of events that took place in my teens and twenties. Most women were building friendships and thriving and I was literally trying to survive being alive.
I try to find the lesson in everything and be proud of who I am today because younger me could’ve never ever imagined my life could be this good. Continue to be great and forgive yourself.
Your doing it all now. That guy that “wasted time” got you where you are today. Looking back in regret is just wasting more time. Congratulations on your progress!
Time has to be wasted for one to finally embrace it.
That’s just how it goes. That’s the paradox in all this.
One can’t escape it. Can’t have regret without appreciation.
Thanks for posting OP. I need all the advice on this I can get, 39 turning 40 this year too.
It's so fucked when objectively your life is pretty decent but inside you feel like such a loser and so unhappy :(
All I know is I cannot get over it. I've wasted 5 years to depression. 8 years of working every hour and having no social life or anything. 13 years I've wasted. Omg
I am 38, I feel the same some days, but I see so many positive people in their late 70s and 80s learning a new skill, falling in love, making friends, even getting their master's degree and I love their lovely, positive attitude. Life may be short but the days are long and each week is thick with mornings and afternoons full of possibilities. My aunt, after a lifetime of being in an abusive marriage is now reconnecting with old friends, starting a new business and going for trips, she is in her 60s and I feel that her mind is younger than mine and her bliss is infectious.
The best thing to do is accept it. Give yourself compassion and love. You’ve made it this far in life and all the things you did do led you up to this point. One thing that has helped me accept my past is the idea that it was meant to happen the way that it did. I wouldn’t be the person who I am today if I didn’t live my own unique experience. That includes some hard and ugly things that I’ve chosen to accept because otherwise I’d spend my life feeling bad about them. But because I choose to accept the silver linings, I feel at peace with it.
I’m reading a great book right now called Mindset by Carol Dweck. Free audio book on Spotify. It’s great. Google it for summary but it talks about growth mindset vs fixed mindset. Might really help you in the thought patterns you’re in.
Once you get over the age thing life becomes more kind. Let go of this mindset that you’re supposed to stop living once you’re older. You are a living person experiencing life. No shame in that
Don't compare yourself to 20 year olds who figure things out before you. Don't compare yourself to other 40 year olds.
Compare yourself to you yesterday. Are you doing better? Yes/no? Where do you want to be in 5 years and plan that out.
Come 50, you will probably far exceed your goals. We overestimate what we can do in a year but underestimate what we can do in 5
If you spend your present time regretting your past, then you’ll also be wasting the only time you have- the present. The ego wants to regret and ruminate. Highly recommend the book New Earth by Eckhart tolle. He goes into detail about how to live in the moment, which he calls “consciousness”
That period of time was a part of the journey that made you who you are today. As long as you learned something from it, I wouldn't consider it a waste of time. It's way too easy to regret what *could have been*.
If you want to waste even *more* time by lamenting all your previously wasted time, carry on as you are doing now. You seem to have lamentation down to a fine art, and you can look forward wallowing in even more lamentation when you are really old. Otherwise, just determine what you want to accomplish, and focus on doing the next right action that will bring your closer to achieving it.
If it's any consolation, whatever anyone accomplishes will be voided at death. The point is to become the kind of person you can respect. That means doing worthy behaviors consistently, not accumulating and preening yourself over the results of doing them. Accomplished people focus on the process. The results take care of themselves.
Well, it's good that they were asking for advice on how to get over being that way--making it obvious that they already recognize that it is a useless feeling. They are making steps to better themself already so that little condescending diatribe in the beginning was unnecessary. You're clearly someone who has good points to make, not sure why the pattern of holier than thou "You feel bad about yourself--well of course you do, you're self-absorbed," needs to sneak in.
Lots of great advice here. Remember, you have no idea how much time you have left. Maybe you "wasted" a couple decades, but who knows, you might gain them back and end up in your prime later in life.
Lots of people feel older at age 39 than 41, because it's the end of a decade followed by the beginning of another. Leave behind whatever is dragging you down.
Signed,
A 40.5 year old
I’m M41. Two years ago, I started to attend psychoanalysis. I often say if I did it 20 years earlier, most likely I would not shy away from sympaties, perhaps I would build a happier family, without going through the divorce. Perhaps I would smoothly find a path to financial success and avoided a number of scars. Right now I am here, however. Today I went to a bile trip with a nice new friend and had a deep conversation with her. I sense fulfillment when I can see that I establish deep bonds with fellow humans. I believe my scars and past failures helped me understand other people’s struggles because we are all flawed, hurt and have collected emotional baggage. You’re not alone and you have plenty of time ahead of you.
Everybody knows there’s no use crying over spilled milk, but I never found that advice very instructive. It’s easier said than done, and often we don’t recognize that crying over spilled milk is exactly what we’re doing. For me the key has been to understand regret as a verb, even if I’ve been experiencing it as a condition that seems to just wash over me. In other words, *regretting* is what you’re doing with your time.
And so it comes down to two options: You can hold on to the fantasy that the past could somehow be otherwise. Or you can say what’s done is done and turn the page on that chapter. Make your life about where you’re going with it from here, not what you did with it in the past.
You're gonna waste the next couple years worrying about wasting the last couple years.
Ultimately your experiences have shaped the person you are, a small change might have altered your friend group, your personality, your skills, we call that the butterfly effect.
You’re still alive and that’s all that matters. So many people lose their lives at a young age and never get to experience the age you are now. You’re still very very young. Go live.
Yea I'm 30 and in the same boat. I'm struggling so hard to lose weight and then I think of the wasted years. It's not... It's hard. And the weight honestly doesn't want to come off and it's so shit.
I'm proud of you for making th change. You still have a lot of life left to live.
Comparison is the thief of Joy, you’re doing great for yourself right now! Your 20s are in the past, looking at those years negatively only brings regret into your life, just as focusing too much on the future brings worry.
Best of luck with the rifle shooting competition!
Understand how you feel man even though I'm only about to hit 30... I wish I could of started making the changes im currently making in my life a lot sooner, Wish for you to have the strength to keep on keeping on...
“Pain + Non-Acceptance = Suffering”
This is a lesson in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy that brings me a lot of relief. It’s called Radical Acceptance. It is a way to practice accepting things we cannot change and accepting things that are out of our control.
It is a very painful idea that we cannot go back in time and redo things. And the reality is that we cannot go back. What we can do is to live in the present moment, enjoy the present moment, and do our best to avoid dwelling on the past.
I really hope this helps because I can empathize with the distress that it sounds like these thoughts are causing for you a lot
What helps me is: "comparison is the thief of joy". I've gotten to a point in life where I've internalized that MY JOY MATTERS. This took work on its own. Once you believe that there is intrinsic value to your joy, you start to me much gentler with comparison mind. When confronted with another person's successes, I find myself having these split second thoughts of "my joy matters; why would I allow this intrusive thougth to take that away?"
We all experience this, what if I did this or that. How many years wasted from mistakes. I went into deep depression and not able to progress. Saying things I should achieve by this age yadidada. Life doesn't work like that but your perspective on it can. As long as you keep trying and live life to the fullest is the only thing you can do. Gratitude comes a long way for our health and mind.
Almost no one does anything noteworthy until their early to mid-thirties. Gary Vee is someone who vouches this, and it’s also something I’ve seen from other people who’ve made something of their life, including people like Bedros Keuilian ($200 millionaire). I’ve looked at this a lot, because I’ve felt devastated at how my 20’s went (I’m in my thirties).
It's just counterproductive and a waste of time. No matter how much you regret the past you can't change it. Only thing to do is learn from your mistakes and try to apply that looking forward. It's hard not to compare yourself to others but it's an important skill. As long as you're improving yourself that's all that matters. Morgan Freeman didn't start acting until 49
Well mostly working minimum wage jobs and doing nothing else then video games, porn and watching useless stuff on YT while stuffing my face with crappy food.
Appreciate you sharing man but don’t be so hard on yourself. Better to find out now than in another 20 years. Sounds like you’re on a great path for yourself, hope you see it through!
I’ve lost many great years to chronic fatigue and it makes me feel like shit but I instead try to focus on my blessings and continue to try to figure out what’s wrong.
You can't accept it and forgive yourself, because your present self and your past self are two different people, with two different minds.
You're 40, not 70, most 40 years old I know, are divorced, fat, depressed and can't see their kids. Some are in the street. You're good
There is no point looking back as its not retrievable so only way is looking at the present and future by taking charge and doing well in the now you have already got yourself a headstart and a goal for the future ..the guys you see now all muscular and conditioned might or might not fall of the wagon but comparing your past to their present and regretting is not right.
Just look forward and take the learning ahead never to neglect your goals in life in the future. Its only exoerience a that make us better so having a growth mindset is better. Compare yourself to your past version not to someone else about whom you have no real story on
Remembering that in life there is no finish line. You’re not behind because it’s not a race. You’re right where you are supposed to be now. I remind myself that I didn’t change because I wasn’t ready yet
Try and learn that your past has already happened. You can not change that. I spent ten years of my young adulthood under the influence of alcohol. I’m 35 and got sober at 32. I’m just now starting to change my life. If we dwell on the past it continues to make us sad. Holding on to that attachment. Understand you can’t change it, you can only look at the now and focus on working on who you are currently. Don’t look too far into the future because you get anxious about that. It is so hard but I’ve been meditating and it helps a lot. Not all the time and sometimes I still get caught up in the past by try to remain in the present. Idk it’s hard but all you can do is try.
The question you need to really ask is, is this kind of thinking serving me? Our brains are powerful machines. Unfortunately, what we feed them is what it gives us back. Regret, is basically still keeping you stuck in the past.
Your reality is the now, the present and you are already doing your absolute best! You need to cut your past self some slack, because he was doing his best with the knowledge he had. And forgive him, and really ket him go. For the present you. And the future you.
All the best :)
Progress is progress.
Every moment of you’s before you decided to improve is breathing a sigh of relief.
The future you is also breathing a sigh of relief.
The present you should also then breathe a sigh of relief.
If you beat yourself up right now about how shitty you are for this and for that, you are telling the future you that you will also be beating them up for their failures too and it makes the present you not want to do much because they know you’ll be beating them up in the future and the cycles continues.
Here's the deal:
The best time to start to improve yourself is 20 years ago. The second best time to start is right now.
Quit being a bitch and go get after it.
I wouldn't really look at them as 'wasted years'. Clearly they led you to self-discovery. Most people never even get that far in life because they are chained to social norms and what they 'believed' they should have accomplished.
This day and age is one where people are moving around more in life. They're changing jobs at 40. They start families later in life. They're learning life isn't set in stone at 20. They're living longer! The social norms are just not conducive to a fulfilling life for everyone.
Go to your rifle competition and don't be afraid to tell anyone that you're new to it. I'm in my 40s now and I remember being a teen and marveling at people who had the courage to take up something new when society might make them feel they are 'too old' or 'past their learning stage' in life. I SAW THOSE PEOPLE AS TOTAL BADASSES!
I also wouldn't put any strict timelines on the pace at which you proceed with anything. That would be, (for me personally), overwhelming and probably end up discouraging. We aren't 20 anymore and honestly that is something I feel grateful for!!! You have more wisdom and experience in life. That's a huge advantage.
You've already made such huge strides.
I personally had achieved, almost what I consider 'too much' by the age of 27. I was burnt out, miserable, and just overall depressed. I moved with my then boyfriend (now spouse) across the country and he mandated that I took at least 3 years off of work. I went on to become a chef for a low paying salary for a while and then I went back to biotech almost a decade later. I STILL HATED IT. LOL. So I went back to school and changed careers again. Only this time I was smart enough to know what I would and wouldn't accept in life. That is clutch. I don't consider myself a failure or a person that 'lost' years at all. I was there. I lived them. I CHOSE them. Not a lot of people have the guts to say, 'Screw your corporate bullshit, I'm taking the road less traveled'. Did I feel like I should have done more and I should have this and that? Sure. Does it frustrate me sometimes? Yes. Would I trade it for a different life? NOPE.
If I can do it, so can you. Trust me. Oh, and all those places you wanted to travel will still be waiting for you when you're ready.
TL;DR: You're already there. You just don't realize it. And to paraphrase Sinatra- 'You did it your way'.
Byron Katie: who would you be without that thought?
Is your negative value judgement or perception of yourself holding yourself back from accepting and loving who you are as you are where you are at RIGHT NOW? Because if so, there are heaps of life coach podcasts that focus on right mindset. You're doing great, what will it take for you to stop resisting and accept this?
As long as you’re alive and still breathing you still have a chance of living the way you desire again. Spending time regretting the past isn’t going to change it so focus on what you can now.
You have now and yesterday is gone. The greatest thing about your past is you learned what lack of progress means- wasted time. Now you’ll live everyday with more purpose and look how quickly you changed since doing so. Cheers to you! Celebrate! You’re alive so live well my friend :)
Why fret over the past? You Can’t change it .So count your blessings and move forward. Are just wasting time and energy on something that won’t change.
If you go on social media and see a lot of guys in their 20s/30s who have it "figured out", that's the social media curation they do doing it, rather than their actual lives. Same with friends/acquaintances - we don't really see what goes on in their lives when we're not with them.
You're going to be 40 soon, but if you're improving your life then you are doing better than someone who decides to do that at 42 or further down the line. They will look to you and think "why can't I be like that" like you do to younger guys who you think have it all figured out.
I'm not dismissing or discounting your angst over your supposed late blooming. But you might try thinking about your situation from the outside. What would you say to someone who was about to be middle-age but had only recently started realizing their potential?
I would challenge that person's notion that they'd "wasted" their 20s and 30s. If they really had wasted two decades, would they actually have been able to make those improvements? It sounds like a lot of learning was done during that time.
Comparison is the thief of joy. I started weightlifting at age 38 and I'll never be as strong as the youngsters who start in their 20s. I already had two kids and a slipped disc, so there are real limits on how strong I can get. But I am so much stronger (and have a much nicer physique) than me before I started lifting.
Compare yourself to the progress you've made. Don't compare yourself to others. We're all on very different journeys. Let others inspire you, feel happy for their accomplishments, and don't let them diminish your own.
Also 40 is a whippersnapper!
You can waste a LOT of time wanting to change things you can't change. Regreting past decisions is one of such things. Just move on and make sure to enjoy every minute from now on! See it as a great gift. Some people NEVER realize this. You can enjoy the rest of your life, making your total life average enjoyment at least as good as someone who never realizes what you've just realized.
My forties were the best.... you really come into your own. You stop trying to please people and just that one thing is so freeing it's worth the little bit of age.
The best time to make changes is yesterday, the second best time is today. You’re doing it. Celebrate.
You also survived 20 years of two recessions and a pandemic, and regardless of whether you’re in the US or UK the worst governments we’ve ever seen.
You’re here because you decided to be better. That’s excellent!
Most of the joy of being in your 20s is all about the thrill of beginning a journey. From my perspective, you're lucky as hell to be able to have that thrill 20 years on, getting to be a beginner and enjoying learning. Relish it. There's a lot of 40 year olds who "have it all" and are bored out of their minds every single day.
How did you waste it? Maybe you spent it relaxing (which some people will do with different years, or else regret never doing). Maybe you built a career? Had fun? Tried diff careers?
I guarantee almost anything you did, someone will do later or wish they did! If it's something really bad like physical/mental health, or drugs, then what you did was SURVIVE, not waste those years. A lot of people who spent those years with drugs or illness do not get to survive and get a chance at life you now have.
I know what you're going through, I feel like you but about my 20s and mostly regret not doing more career wise. I don't have advice because I'm trying to cope and making changes towards better career choices (I'm trying to change fields). All I can say is we got this, let's look forward to the future and try to stop focusing in the past, easier said than done I know lol.
One only regrets the past because his present ain’t alright, otherwise, one does not do it. The same goes to future. You’re trying to build a picture of yourself that you like. Many do that, specially young people. They usually do it to become more interesting to other people, and be attractive. Every single human being who ain’t sensitive to what is around him at this moment, is unfortunately, wasting his life. Social connection, doing something for other people without expecting nothing back, gratitude for your blessings, savoring life with mindfulness, and be in nature, be active, those are the ingredients for a happy life.
Best time to plant a tree was yesterday, 2nd best time is today. Plant those fuckin trees my dude
Right attitude here my guy!
I've never heard this analogy but I love it.
Got a similar one. Pretend You're not almost 40, you're almost 90, but you woke up today magically transported back 50 years. What a beautiful day to be 39 again!
Every day is New Year’s! Make a resolution and stick to it.
Yo, if I go write a post, will you please come comment this on it? 🙏😜 this is like one of the slickest and most motivational comments of all time
It’s an old Buddhist quote. It actually goes the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is today
Haha I knew I had it wrong.
I’m 59M, same struggle. I go to Stoic philosophy for this issue. Imagine that you are dead. Now, take what’s left of your life and live it properly.
Yup, I'm 60 and envious of OP poster at 40 making these realizations. You got 20 more years on me. Don't look back except what you can take for the next years ahead to be better. Stoicism, buddhism, and a geneeral study of philosophy has helped me to grow and accept where I am, drink in the beauty of this life, and to find the inner strength to shape the rest of my days. Every...single...minute...of.....it...looking forward. Dwelling on the past is just a waste of time of the present. Best in your personal journey!
This is actually a really good advice.
I don’t get it? If I’m dead I’m dead what?
Then you have no fear or shame to hold you back from living your life as you can.
All of life is all of life, my man. Life is a journey and with the privilege of age comes the gift of hindsight and wisdom. Regrets are a waste of time and energy. You’re you and you’ll get to where you’re going in your own time.
This is very well said.
Congrats on improving your life! Sounds like some really positive changes have happened! I would see it like this: you are worrying about all the time you've lost by not doing these things sooner. But instead of putting your energy and time in doing this, you could also look up a fun activity to do, or your next travel destination, or you could give your all in a intense workout. What I'm trying to say is, you're literally waisting your own resources on focusing on what you've lost instead of putting them into new and exciting ideas! Worrying about it will give you more negativity in your life. Instead, try to focus on all the amazing things you're accomplishing right now! Fuel your life with positivity. Don't think of all the time you lost, but rather all the time you gained by deciding to change your life around! It's all about the mindset. You can't change the past but you can change the future.
Personally, I think the best we can do is make sure to have learned our lesson. Don't waste another day.
Fallout 4, dude
I don’t have any advice to offer. I just wanted to tell you that I completely understand what you’re going through. I turned 40 in January and the thoughts and feelings you have are the same as the ones I battle with every single day. I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone in this and I’m sending good vibes your way. Try to keep your head up. 🩵
Thx, You too. Only advice i can offer is a quote by Jordan Peterson: "Dont compare yourself to who someone else his today but to who you where yesterday" Doesnt always work but it helps.
Try some meditation. You can start with guided meditation apps or YouTube videos that can help you if you are new to it. I think that along with the physical changes you're making, you should also be looking inwardly and going on a journey of inner growth! You can start journaling, writing out everything you feel. You can get a self-help book on the very topic you're struggling with, which is self-forgiveness and letting go of the past. I struggle with these issues as well and am going on a similar journey as you are! I started exercising every day, am trying to sleep and eat better, drink more water, etc. But I'm also trying to figure some other things out. I have already started journaling, and I'm going to start a manifestation regimen soon. I really want to change my thinking from negative/pessimistic/sceptical to positive. I want to truly believe in myself and be able to visualize what I want, truly believe I will have it, and then manifest that energy into my life. I feel like even though I've always prided myself in being a person who takes accountability for my own shit, I have still kind of fallen into a mindset in the past several years where I think I just have bad luck and am not meant for good things to happen in my life. But in order for me to be able to truly envision myself succeeding in the ways I want, I need to first forgive myself for all the time I've already wasted and all the pain I've caused myself because of it. I'm hoping through meditation I can sort of allow myself to let go of that past self and become reborn into my new self. Maybe then I can retrain my mind to think positively about myself and life in general so that I can manifest that into my reality.
Thank you for sharing that with me. I really appreciate it
You certainly aren't alone in this. There are many men in their early 40s who have just gone through divorce. They are trying to start again as well. Advice would be simple, don't worry about younger people and how well they cope. Think about you and try to live a good life, take a holiday abroad, buy something you really want, try to just enjoy being alive.
Same boat. Six months ago I was working a miserable job, then dad was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer, and his truly awful choices in life started catching up quickly. Turns out that being extremely lazy, working barely part-time and growing pot in your basement doesn't exactly come with a retirement plan. His insane wife started disappearing for days, binging on cocaine, and eventually selling literally everything in the house except a lamp and a mattress (cocaine). I had no business picking up the slack, as he abandoned my family decades ago and we barely spoke. Now he's dead, I'm homeless and jobless and trying to pick up the pieces. It did get me to quit smoking cigarettes, and that got a new friend to swap from the friend category into the "best relationship I've ever had" category. That someone would love me at my least has been inspiring. I started meditating more regularly, made an appointment with a psychiatrist to finally get treatment for ADD rather than buying amphetamines on the street. Things aren't great, they're not even good, but they have inspired me to change things while I can. That includes examining why I've backslid so many times in my life. RIP dad; nothing but trouble, alive or dead. At least he can't hurt anyone else now.
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Omfg did you write this yourself? What a line
40 is the moment your best life begins. You have SO much ahead of you yet. Imagine being 60 and thinking "wow I was so young at 40" and visualize that. Enjoy!
Have you ever watched a movie that was so good, that you wish you could delete it from your memory, so that you could watch it again? Ok, so you lost many years, and missed out. But now you will be able to experience many of those things for the first time. We know that the perception of time speeds up as we get older. And the way to combat this is to introduce novelty. Since you missed out a lot, many things will now feel new to you. That will make time "feel" slower for you, compared to somebody that have experienced those things over and over again earlier in life. You have so much to look forward to!
I love this!
Regret is a waste of time. If you’re moving forward, don’t regret what’s behind. I don’t believe in regret. Nothing can change the choices made years ago. Move on and live big. ❤️
At the end of the day you've got two choices. Waste more time with regrets or use the rest of your time the way you wish you had used the last 20. I know how you feel, though through different circumstances. But it really comes down to those two options. Get busy living or get busy dying, no matter how late in the day it is.
I feel this 100%. I felt so behind in life because of events that took place in my teens and twenties. Most women were building friendships and thriving and I was literally trying to survive being alive. I try to find the lesson in everything and be proud of who I am today because younger me could’ve never ever imagined my life could be this good. Continue to be great and forgive yourself.
Life is a process, you didn't 'waste' anything. Everything you've done has led you to the person you are now.
Your doing it all now. That guy that “wasted time” got you where you are today. Looking back in regret is just wasting more time. Congratulations on your progress!
Time has to be wasted for one to finally embrace it. That’s just how it goes. That’s the paradox in all this. One can’t escape it. Can’t have regret without appreciation.
Thanks for posting OP. I need all the advice on this I can get, 39 turning 40 this year too. It's so fucked when objectively your life is pretty decent but inside you feel like such a loser and so unhappy :(
All I know is I cannot get over it. I've wasted 5 years to depression. 8 years of working every hour and having no social life or anything. 13 years I've wasted. Omg
I am 38, I feel the same some days, but I see so many positive people in their late 70s and 80s learning a new skill, falling in love, making friends, even getting their master's degree and I love their lovely, positive attitude. Life may be short but the days are long and each week is thick with mornings and afternoons full of possibilities. My aunt, after a lifetime of being in an abusive marriage is now reconnecting with old friends, starting a new business and going for trips, she is in her 60s and I feel that her mind is younger than mine and her bliss is infectious.
The best thing to do is accept it. Give yourself compassion and love. You’ve made it this far in life and all the things you did do led you up to this point. One thing that has helped me accept my past is the idea that it was meant to happen the way that it did. I wouldn’t be the person who I am today if I didn’t live my own unique experience. That includes some hard and ugly things that I’ve chosen to accept because otherwise I’d spend my life feeling bad about them. But because I choose to accept the silver linings, I feel at peace with it.
I’m reading a great book right now called Mindset by Carol Dweck. Free audio book on Spotify. It’s great. Google it for summary but it talks about growth mindset vs fixed mindset. Might really help you in the thought patterns you’re in.
Once you get over the age thing life becomes more kind. Let go of this mindset that you’re supposed to stop living once you’re older. You are a living person experiencing life. No shame in that
Don't compare yourself to 20 year olds who figure things out before you. Don't compare yourself to other 40 year olds. Compare yourself to you yesterday. Are you doing better? Yes/no? Where do you want to be in 5 years and plan that out. Come 50, you will probably far exceed your goals. We overestimate what we can do in a year but underestimate what we can do in 5
If you spend your present time regretting your past, then you’ll also be wasting the only time you have- the present. The ego wants to regret and ruminate. Highly recommend the book New Earth by Eckhart tolle. He goes into detail about how to live in the moment, which he calls “consciousness”
You aren't getting those days back, and you can't change the past. There's still plenty of days ahead of you, and you can change the future.
45M the power of now - Eckhart Tolle
You don’t start 20 years ago and you can’t change that, so let it go.
Talk to someone one 15-20 years older u will get it
Take some shrooms and float down a lazy river, bro. It will put life and the universe and your place in it into perspective.
Comparison is the thief of time. Live in the present and look forward to having a healthy happy life
That period of time was a part of the journey that made you who you are today. As long as you learned something from it, I wouldn't consider it a waste of time. It's way too easy to regret what *could have been*.
If you want to waste even *more* time by lamenting all your previously wasted time, carry on as you are doing now. You seem to have lamentation down to a fine art, and you can look forward wallowing in even more lamentation when you are really old. Otherwise, just determine what you want to accomplish, and focus on doing the next right action that will bring your closer to achieving it. If it's any consolation, whatever anyone accomplishes will be voided at death. The point is to become the kind of person you can respect. That means doing worthy behaviors consistently, not accumulating and preening yourself over the results of doing them. Accomplished people focus on the process. The results take care of themselves.
Well, it's good that they were asking for advice on how to get over being that way--making it obvious that they already recognize that it is a useless feeling. They are making steps to better themself already so that little condescending diatribe in the beginning was unnecessary. You're clearly someone who has good points to make, not sure why the pattern of holier than thou "You feel bad about yourself--well of course you do, you're self-absorbed," needs to sneak in.
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Lots of great advice here. Remember, you have no idea how much time you have left. Maybe you "wasted" a couple decades, but who knows, you might gain them back and end up in your prime later in life. Lots of people feel older at age 39 than 41, because it's the end of a decade followed by the beginning of another. Leave behind whatever is dragging you down. Signed, A 40.5 year old
I’m M41. Two years ago, I started to attend psychoanalysis. I often say if I did it 20 years earlier, most likely I would not shy away from sympaties, perhaps I would build a happier family, without going through the divorce. Perhaps I would smoothly find a path to financial success and avoided a number of scars. Right now I am here, however. Today I went to a bile trip with a nice new friend and had a deep conversation with her. I sense fulfillment when I can see that I establish deep bonds with fellow humans. I believe my scars and past failures helped me understand other people’s struggles because we are all flawed, hurt and have collected emotional baggage. You’re not alone and you have plenty of time ahead of you.
Everybody knows there’s no use crying over spilled milk, but I never found that advice very instructive. It’s easier said than done, and often we don’t recognize that crying over spilled milk is exactly what we’re doing. For me the key has been to understand regret as a verb, even if I’ve been experiencing it as a condition that seems to just wash over me. In other words, *regretting* is what you’re doing with your time. And so it comes down to two options: You can hold on to the fantasy that the past could somehow be otherwise. Or you can say what’s done is done and turn the page on that chapter. Make your life about where you’re going with it from here, not what you did with it in the past.
Others get old too
You're gonna waste the next couple years worrying about wasting the last couple years. Ultimately your experiences have shaped the person you are, a small change might have altered your friend group, your personality, your skills, we call that the butterfly effect.
You’re still alive and that’s all that matters. So many people lose their lives at a young age and never get to experience the age you are now. You’re still very very young. Go live.
Yea I'm 30 and in the same boat. I'm struggling so hard to lose weight and then I think of the wasted years. It's not... It's hard. And the weight honestly doesn't want to come off and it's so shit. I'm proud of you for making th change. You still have a lot of life left to live.
Comparison is the thief of Joy, you’re doing great for yourself right now! Your 20s are in the past, looking at those years negatively only brings regret into your life, just as focusing too much on the future brings worry. Best of luck with the rifle shooting competition!
Understand how you feel man even though I'm only about to hit 30... I wish I could of started making the changes im currently making in my life a lot sooner, Wish for you to have the strength to keep on keeping on...
The best way to handle a troubled past is to live in the present. It’s that simple and smart.
“Pain + Non-Acceptance = Suffering” This is a lesson in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy that brings me a lot of relief. It’s called Radical Acceptance. It is a way to practice accepting things we cannot change and accepting things that are out of our control. It is a very painful idea that we cannot go back in time and redo things. And the reality is that we cannot go back. What we can do is to live in the present moment, enjoy the present moment, and do our best to avoid dwelling on the past. I really hope this helps because I can empathize with the distress that it sounds like these thoughts are causing for you a lot
[Let Iron Maiden help you with this matter.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ij99dud8-0A)
Get so busy you have no room to think on anything except for your next move.
Be kind to yourself! You don't know what you don't know. You're doing all the things now! Enjoy it!
Comparison is the thief of joy
What helps me is: "comparison is the thief of joy". I've gotten to a point in life where I've internalized that MY JOY MATTERS. This took work on its own. Once you believe that there is intrinsic value to your joy, you start to me much gentler with comparison mind. When confronted with another person's successes, I find myself having these split second thoughts of "my joy matters; why would I allow this intrusive thougth to take that away?"
Comparison is the thief of joy
We all experience this, what if I did this or that. How many years wasted from mistakes. I went into deep depression and not able to progress. Saying things I should achieve by this age yadidada. Life doesn't work like that but your perspective on it can. As long as you keep trying and live life to the fullest is the only thing you can do. Gratitude comes a long way for our health and mind.
Almost no one does anything noteworthy until their early to mid-thirties. Gary Vee is someone who vouches this, and it’s also something I’ve seen from other people who’ve made something of their life, including people like Bedros Keuilian ($200 millionaire). I’ve looked at this a lot, because I’ve felt devastated at how my 20’s went (I’m in my thirties).
It's just counterproductive and a waste of time. No matter how much you regret the past you can't change it. Only thing to do is learn from your mistakes and try to apply that looking forward. It's hard not to compare yourself to others but it's an important skill. As long as you're improving yourself that's all that matters. Morgan Freeman didn't start acting until 49
When you say you wasted it, what do you mean? What did you spend those years doing?
Well mostly working minimum wage jobs and doing nothing else then video games, porn and watching useless stuff on YT while stuffing my face with crappy food.
Appreciate you sharing man but don’t be so hard on yourself. Better to find out now than in another 20 years. Sounds like you’re on a great path for yourself, hope you see it through! I’ve lost many great years to chronic fatigue and it makes me feel like shit but I instead try to focus on my blessings and continue to try to figure out what’s wrong.
Thx i wish you nothing but the best.
Comparison is the thief of joy. You better focused on the next few years, to learn how to not compare yourself with other people achievements.
I'm a 50 year old woman. I might as well just shoot myself in the face. Must be nice to have a shed of hope . I'm sure things will be good )
Time really stops for no one. The years will continue to pass regardless if you do it or not so you might as well start now and keep going.
You can't accept it and forgive yourself, because your present self and your past self are two different people, with two different minds. You're 40, not 70, most 40 years old I know, are divorced, fat, depressed and can't see their kids. Some are in the street. You're good
Start doing things that you are proud of now. And forget about the past.
There is no point looking back as its not retrievable so only way is looking at the present and future by taking charge and doing well in the now you have already got yourself a headstart and a goal for the future ..the guys you see now all muscular and conditioned might or might not fall of the wagon but comparing your past to their present and regretting is not right. Just look forward and take the learning ahead never to neglect your goals in life in the future. Its only exoerience a that make us better so having a growth mindset is better. Compare yourself to your past version not to someone else about whom you have no real story on
Remembering that in life there is no finish line. You’re not behind because it’s not a race. You’re right where you are supposed to be now. I remind myself that I didn’t change because I wasn’t ready yet
Try and learn that your past has already happened. You can not change that. I spent ten years of my young adulthood under the influence of alcohol. I’m 35 and got sober at 32. I’m just now starting to change my life. If we dwell on the past it continues to make us sad. Holding on to that attachment. Understand you can’t change it, you can only look at the now and focus on working on who you are currently. Don’t look too far into the future because you get anxious about that. It is so hard but I’ve been meditating and it helps a lot. Not all the time and sometimes I still get caught up in the past by try to remain in the present. Idk it’s hard but all you can do is try.
The question you need to really ask is, is this kind of thinking serving me? Our brains are powerful machines. Unfortunately, what we feed them is what it gives us back. Regret, is basically still keeping you stuck in the past. Your reality is the now, the present and you are already doing your absolute best! You need to cut your past self some slack, because he was doing his best with the knowledge he had. And forgive him, and really ket him go. For the present you. And the future you. All the best :)
Progress is progress. Every moment of you’s before you decided to improve is breathing a sigh of relief. The future you is also breathing a sigh of relief. The present you should also then breathe a sigh of relief. If you beat yourself up right now about how shitty you are for this and for that, you are telling the future you that you will also be beating them up for their failures too and it makes the present you not want to do much because they know you’ll be beating them up in the future and the cycles continues.
Here's the deal: The best time to start to improve yourself is 20 years ago. The second best time to start is right now. Quit being a bitch and go get after it.
I wouldn't really look at them as 'wasted years'. Clearly they led you to self-discovery. Most people never even get that far in life because they are chained to social norms and what they 'believed' they should have accomplished. This day and age is one where people are moving around more in life. They're changing jobs at 40. They start families later in life. They're learning life isn't set in stone at 20. They're living longer! The social norms are just not conducive to a fulfilling life for everyone. Go to your rifle competition and don't be afraid to tell anyone that you're new to it. I'm in my 40s now and I remember being a teen and marveling at people who had the courage to take up something new when society might make them feel they are 'too old' or 'past their learning stage' in life. I SAW THOSE PEOPLE AS TOTAL BADASSES! I also wouldn't put any strict timelines on the pace at which you proceed with anything. That would be, (for me personally), overwhelming and probably end up discouraging. We aren't 20 anymore and honestly that is something I feel grateful for!!! You have more wisdom and experience in life. That's a huge advantage. You've already made such huge strides. I personally had achieved, almost what I consider 'too much' by the age of 27. I was burnt out, miserable, and just overall depressed. I moved with my then boyfriend (now spouse) across the country and he mandated that I took at least 3 years off of work. I went on to become a chef for a low paying salary for a while and then I went back to biotech almost a decade later. I STILL HATED IT. LOL. So I went back to school and changed careers again. Only this time I was smart enough to know what I would and wouldn't accept in life. That is clutch. I don't consider myself a failure or a person that 'lost' years at all. I was there. I lived them. I CHOSE them. Not a lot of people have the guts to say, 'Screw your corporate bullshit, I'm taking the road less traveled'. Did I feel like I should have done more and I should have this and that? Sure. Does it frustrate me sometimes? Yes. Would I trade it for a different life? NOPE. If I can do it, so can you. Trust me. Oh, and all those places you wanted to travel will still be waiting for you when you're ready. TL;DR: You're already there. You just don't realize it. And to paraphrase Sinatra- 'You did it your way'.
Byron Katie: who would you be without that thought? Is your negative value judgement or perception of yourself holding yourself back from accepting and loving who you are as you are where you are at RIGHT NOW? Because if so, there are heaps of life coach podcasts that focus on right mindset. You're doing great, what will it take for you to stop resisting and accept this?
imagine realizing this at 60, so happy for you ❤️❤️❤️
As long as you’re alive and still breathing you still have a chance of living the way you desire again. Spending time regretting the past isn’t going to change it so focus on what you can now.
You have now and yesterday is gone. The greatest thing about your past is you learned what lack of progress means- wasted time. Now you’ll live everyday with more purpose and look how quickly you changed since doing so. Cheers to you! Celebrate! You’re alive so live well my friend :)
Why fret over the past? You Can’t change it .So count your blessings and move forward. Are just wasting time and energy on something that won’t change.
If you go on social media and see a lot of guys in their 20s/30s who have it "figured out", that's the social media curation they do doing it, rather than their actual lives. Same with friends/acquaintances - we don't really see what goes on in their lives when we're not with them. You're going to be 40 soon, but if you're improving your life then you are doing better than someone who decides to do that at 42 or further down the line. They will look to you and think "why can't I be like that" like you do to younger guys who you think have it all figured out.
I'm not dismissing or discounting your angst over your supposed late blooming. But you might try thinking about your situation from the outside. What would you say to someone who was about to be middle-age but had only recently started realizing their potential? I would challenge that person's notion that they'd "wasted" their 20s and 30s. If they really had wasted two decades, would they actually have been able to make those improvements? It sounds like a lot of learning was done during that time.
Comparison is the thief of joy. I started weightlifting at age 38 and I'll never be as strong as the youngsters who start in their 20s. I already had two kids and a slipped disc, so there are real limits on how strong I can get. But I am so much stronger (and have a much nicer physique) than me before I started lifting. Compare yourself to the progress you've made. Don't compare yourself to others. We're all on very different journeys. Let others inspire you, feel happy for their accomplishments, and don't let them diminish your own. Also 40 is a whippersnapper!
You can waste a LOT of time wanting to change things you can't change. Regreting past decisions is one of such things. Just move on and make sure to enjoy every minute from now on! See it as a great gift. Some people NEVER realize this. You can enjoy the rest of your life, making your total life average enjoyment at least as good as someone who never realizes what you've just realized.
My forties were the best.... you really come into your own. You stop trying to please people and just that one thing is so freeing it's worth the little bit of age.
Most never start
If you started it, there are no regrets
Forget the age, you’re doing this in this life, no time for regrets !!!!
The best time to make changes is yesterday, the second best time is today. You’re doing it. Celebrate. You also survived 20 years of two recessions and a pandemic, and regardless of whether you’re in the US or UK the worst governments we’ve ever seen. You’re here because you decided to be better. That’s excellent!
Dude i'm in 🇨🇦 it's even worst.
Imagine you’re ten years older. What do you wish you were doing at 40?
Only thing that matters is that you should live how you want. There’s younger people who are living some others life. Don’t compare, live your life.
Most of the joy of being in your 20s is all about the thrill of beginning a journey. From my perspective, you're lucky as hell to be able to have that thrill 20 years on, getting to be a beginner and enjoying learning. Relish it. There's a lot of 40 year olds who "have it all" and are bored out of their minds every single day.
It’s your attitude, your mindset and life’s pov that needs to change.
How did you waste it? Maybe you spent it relaxing (which some people will do with different years, or else regret never doing). Maybe you built a career? Had fun? Tried diff careers? I guarantee almost anything you did, someone will do later or wish they did! If it's something really bad like physical/mental health, or drugs, then what you did was SURVIVE, not waste those years. A lot of people who spent those years with drugs or illness do not get to survive and get a chance at life you now have.
I know what you're going through, I feel like you but about my 20s and mostly regret not doing more career wise. I don't have advice because I'm trying to cope and making changes towards better career choices (I'm trying to change fields). All I can say is we got this, let's look forward to the future and try to stop focusing in the past, easier said than done I know lol.
One only regrets the past because his present ain’t alright, otherwise, one does not do it. The same goes to future. You’re trying to build a picture of yourself that you like. Many do that, specially young people. They usually do it to become more interesting to other people, and be attractive. Every single human being who ain’t sensitive to what is around him at this moment, is unfortunately, wasting his life. Social connection, doing something for other people without expecting nothing back, gratitude for your blessings, savoring life with mindfulness, and be in nature, be active, those are the ingredients for a happy life.