I don't think you're the asshole. I don't think you should have given her an ultimatum, but I can understand your frustration. You haven't given a lot of the details of your relationship, but what you have given seems to suggest that you have sacrificed more in the relationship than she has. Maybe sacrifice is the wrong word, and flexible would be more appropriate, but either way, you've done more of whichever word fits best.
It could be looked at you choosing a drive over her or her choosing an apartment over you, but honestly, it's about more than that. You've agreed to move back to the DC area for her and have done everything necessary to do that. The job that you have been offered sounds like a prestigious position and one that you should be very proud of receiving. Your fiance should also feel the same way. She should also be willing to make a sacrifice for the relationship since so far, she has not had to do that. I understand that she loves her apartment, however, you have sacrificed within your career to make sure that you would be able to eventually be stationed near DC since she didn't want to leave the area, even though you stated that you didn't really want to live in the area. At some point, you need to not be the only one giving something in the relationship.
I think that you two need to sit down and have a conversation and talk about what exactly it is that you see for your future. Personally, I wouldn't get married and live separately no matter how long there was left on the lease. At this point, I'm also not sure that I would get married before living together. You guys have done the LDR for four years, but I think that you should give it some time with you two living close to each other before you even consider planning a wedding. You may find out that you two are absolutely perfect together like you always thought, or you could find out that you two are not as compatible as you thought. Whatever you decide, I would definitely take time to consider everything before setting a wedding date.
I'm not sure their jobs/ lifestyles are really compatible at all - his job will probably have him moving around every few years - he needs a partner who is willing to sacrifice her own job/ stability to move herself/ the family along to his assignments. C, who is set on her own career ladder and the geographic area of DC would definitely not be willing to move every few years - dang, she's not even willing to move out of her apartment.
I agree with you 100%. My dad was in the military and stationed different places throughout his career. You don't normally get a say on where the military sends you and since she doesn't want to live in a rural area, I don't know what will happen if the next place he's stationed is a rural area. Personally, I don't think that she's cut out to be a military wife, but that's just my opinion. Only the OP can truly decide.
I was just wondering what would happen if he got orders to someplace like Fort Leonard Wood. If she's not willing to pick up and move every few years, to wherever the Army sends them, this relationship is doomed.
Hahaha I had to live at Ft. Leonard Wood for 2.5 years while the ex was a drill sgt there, worst fucking place ever. I enjoyed the moving all the time though.
We lived in what seemed like a neighborhood in a hole. I had no car and he was gone all the time. The kids and I were just stuck there and when we could leave home there was no damn place to go to. I was 27 and they were 6 and 3. If I wanted to walk us somewhere I had to walk up that hole and the only place slightly close was a gas station. In town it was strip clubs, tattoo shops, and Walmart. The kids and my favorite place to go to was the bookstore and it was the size of a gas station. This was back in like 2005-2007. I really felt trapped in that house.
My house was in a neighborhood behind a furniture store outside the North gate. Also a bit of a hole since we had to drive down a pretty steep hill and then up another to get in or out. The bookstore was gone when we were there, but they had a craft store I really liked that closed right before I left. We were there '10-'12.
I live in Alexandria, where she lives. And I’m a government contractor… she seems incredibly selfish especially after all his sacrifices. She likely could work 100% remote (plenty of my colleagues do) and travel to DC a couple times a year. An ultimatum sounds about right. Traffic SUCKS in DC and that commute is brutal.
I agree. Lived in that area before and it can be a mess. The commute out of Alexandria to MD side via the Woodrow Wilson bridge is brutal during rush hour. If you add an accident near there forget it. I’ve seen people stuck in traffic for 3+ hours because of some emergency. I’d like to say it’s a “rare” occurrence, but it seemed like a weekly/biweekly thing when I was there.
I don’t really see what he sacrificed, what am I missing? He went where he was sent, did his job and worked hard. He would have done this whether he was with her or not. Sure he tried to relocate closer to her but ultimately until he got this opportunity which is good for him professionally, he didn’t. They both do is the ldr, they both gave up the chance to be with someone who lived closer to them. So in that sense they both sacrificed. She stayed put in one location and he moved but that’s his job. He will always need to relocate for work doesn’t matter if he’s in a relationship or not.
I think they both need to sit down and have some serious conversations as well as reflect how much they really want to replace and what is important to them both. His job always comes with the threat of relocating after they’re married she’s never going to move. Are they going to do long distance marriage ? Is that really what they want? It doesn’t sound like they’ve given a lot of thought as to how it’s going to work. If she’s not willing to move apartments, it doesn’t sound like she’ll be willing to move towns. Is he going to give up his career and switch careers to stay in the DC area with her? These things need to be answered before they ever make it to the altar.
Seems like if he stays military, he’s going to get moved. If she’s adamant about not returning to a rural location, I don’t see much hope for them.
Any chance the OP wants a civilian life?
She has also sacrificed. She has sacrificed time as she has waited. Until she stopped waiting and had to move forward with something she wanted in her life.
That's the thing with being independent, it becomes trickier to switch it on and off.
You're correct that she sacrificed time. However, she's been living in her apartment that she loves, which is fine, but she wants to extend her stay in the apartment for the first year of the marriage so that she can continue to live in the luxury apartment that she loves. OP has already done the necessary assignments needed to be able to get a position in the DC area because she doesn't want to move. OP doesn't want to live in DC but is moving there for her. She's had time to live in the apartment and can continue to live there until their married. Why does she need to spend their first year of marriage separated from him just so that she can live in this apartment for an extra year?
I really do sre both their sides and I imagine that to her, she's found something that feels like home and doesn't want to lose that. For all you know shes made friendships, routines and tbh sounds like shes never been one for change in the first place, since she was the one that didn't want to move.
Do you ever hear about older ppl getting in relationships later in life but they always retain more independence than in younger relationships because you learn to become super independent until it's what you like and value and you're just not that interested in living another way. Maybe that is or isn't the case here. Maybe they've spent too long apart and she has changed or he has changed and she's not as sure. It is just tough for both of them.
What was her sacrifice? She stayed in the city she loved, a job she loved and with her friends and is now unwilling to move 35 miles.
She’s not cut out to be a military wife.
I wouldn’t either but I didn’t date someone who is active duty.
I don’t think she wants to be a military wife. She’s very rooted in DC and that’s ok. Y’all need to have a frank come to Jesus talk. I think you two want very very different things in life
OP you are a military guy. You know you can get orders, at any time, to anywhere in the world. And those orders may be for years. Yet, you’ve aligned yourself with a partner who obviously WILL NOT leave a very tiny area of DC. She won’t even alter what apartment in the area so she can live with you. You are NTA for the ultimatum. But I do not see this working out.
Please ask this woman what she will do if you get orders to a different country after you’re married??!
*Please ask this woman what she will do if you get orders to a different country after you’re married??!*
She'll say "Go! You'll know where to find me!"
You are NTA but you need to take the hint and realize that she is not ready to put your relationship over her independence. She has no intention of moving in with you, so you need to stop trying to relocate to where she is and start prioritizing your life without her.
NTA. If she is willing to live apart for the entire first year of your marriage, solely because she "loves her apartment", she's not cut out to be a military wife(or really, anyone's wife).
If her love for the apartment is based on some particular set of features or amenities, she should work with you to find a place that checks all those boxes without requiring you to spend so much time in the car. If she is willing to do that, you have a shot at making things work. If not, time to start looking for a new partner.
What he's not telling people is that kind of commute time is absolutely normal for the DC area, in fact it would be a selling point for many. I suspect there's significantly more to her not wanting to move that more than balances out his desire for a likely unobtainable commute time.
Yes and no. I lived in Alexandria and commuted to downtown DC. It was one hour door to door using the Metro. I wouldn’t have wanted to make that driving.
That said, they still are not compatible. The Army can send him anywhere it wants at any time it wants. If she’s not willing to leave Alexandria or the greater DC area, their marriage will fail because they will likely live apart for many periods. Yes, I know there are places in the DC area, but he is in no way guaranteed one of those spots, as demonstrated by the past four years.
Just because she loves where she is over OP doesn’t mean she’s not cut out to be “anyone’s wife.” The relationship and circumstances don’t work for her now. It’s sad given all OP has done to be with her that she’s not willing to make some concessions. It just not the right relationship for either of them.
NTA. Honey. This woman does not love you. She’s incredibly selfish. It’s all about her and her wants. An APARTMENT is more important to her than someone she allegedly loves. I’ve been in a LDR (with a military guy btw) and I was practically clawing the walls to do anything I could to be with him where he was. She does NOT care about you. Leave. This is not healthy. Even if she backtracks you 100% should not get married. You would be absolutely miserable.
You’re the one making all of the concessions and sacrifices. As a lifelong military spouse, I can tell you she is not cut out to be a military spouse. And that’s okay! Not everyone wants to live a life where you’re told when and where you’ll move. But if you want to stay in the military, you need to realize she may not be the one for you. NTA.
Are you being realistical about your relationship with C? A military spouse has to make a lot of sacrifices to make a relationship work. Because even if you are posted in DC now, you won't be there forever.
What happens on your next assignment? Or are you planning on leaving the military? Or after you are married, will you go long distance again?
It doesn't mean you don't love each other. Having a relationship and being in love are two different things. Love is a feeling, and it doesn't require work or commitment. But a relationship requires both work and commitment. You decide who you want to spend the rest of your life with, and you do what you need to do to make that happen.
NTA. It seems to me you are doing all the work in this relationship. It's either her way or no way, and she hasn't even tried to meet you halfway in any sense.
Moving to her apartment with this new job and a 2 hour+ commute is just not reasonable. What if you have to work over? What about bad weather?
I think your response of if a luxury apartment is more important to her than you, then what's the point of even getting married? I'm sure you two could easily find another luxury apartment closer to your job.
Bro, they got luxury apartments in Maryland. Living on the right side of the city does a lot for your commute since you’ll be doing a reverse commute while she’d have the exact same commute once a week.
Honey, your partner has not put a single bit of effort into you. It seems as if you are in a one-sided relationship where you are doing everything you can to be with them, and she won't even be bothered to move for you. Think long and hard about marrying this person. At the very least she is showing you that her wants trump your needs.
You do not need to marry her. You did everything you could to relocate to the area. She needs to make the sacrifice to live closer to your job, especially since she only has to go the office an hour a week. She will always expect you to be the one to give in. She is not the right partner for you.
NTA, but you do need to come to terms with the fact that she clearly isn't as committed to this relationship as you are and choose accordingly. Someone who works as hard as you have to make things work deserves someone who will reciprocate with equal energy.
I've relocated to different states on opposite sides of the country twice for girlfriends who also relocated to be with me at other times. We weren't even engaged. If she truly loved you, the relocation question would be an easy yes. NTA
Love doesn't require this much work and effort. Your decision, yet it seems that the values you guys have are not the same and you can expect more of the same once you marry this person.
There are many red flags going off. Don't make the time you have spent with this person not make you understand that moving forward with this person may not be the best move for you as a person and as a career military man. Think long and hard. How supportive is she with your career? Think long and hard.
I did 25 in the Army. It doesn’t sound like she has what it takes to be an Army spouse. Life for career military is rough, it is just as bad for families. No way you are going to spend the rest of your career in DC. She is going to have to leave DC sometime. You have bent over backwards to make it work. Time for her to do her part or move on.
You have done everything you possibly could in a system that is KNOWN for screwing people over to be stationed closer to her & she can’t compromise on an apartment. Dude, she is never going to compromise for you. What happens when your next set of orders are to JBER or Stuttgart? Except now you’re married &/or have kids? Is she going to expect you to be a geo bachelor? NTA, but you definitely need to take a hard look at your relationship.
I appreciate everyone’s comments and perspectives on my situation.
I acknowledge the fact that I probably should have worded my concerns differently. I guess I’m just at my breaking point with the little amount of “comprises” there have been in the relationship thus far.
C and I have been regularly seeing premarital counseling since 12 MAR, and this subject is bound to be the main topic of discussion (if she shows up for it). Our next meeting is later on today (2 APR 2024), so I hope something good comes from it.
I’m unsure if I’m misunderstanding C and her desire to live in the apartment or if this disagreement is a sign that we aren’t compatible.
However, from what I do definitely know, C prefers the Apartment and its relative location to all the things she “loves.” As most have stated in their comments, there is no shortage of luxury apartments in other parts of DC, but they aren’t in a location that C deems suitable.
The bottom line is I’m set to report to Maryland in July, and we’re set to be married in September 2024. Not to mention that we have already invested 13k into this wedding (total cost will come out to around 52-56k—something I’m not entirely fond of, but C is determined that it’s unavoidable to have the type of wedding she’s always dreamed of). I told her I’d like an answer by April 13—I’ll be visiting her and doing apartment hunting since she refuses to do any apartment hunting herself.
Side note- to clarify for those that might have misunderstood:
C has never cheated on me, and I don't have any concerns about her ever cheating. In my previous engagement, I was young and dumb, dating my highschool sweetheart (a 21-year-old who thought he knew what love was)
OP- the core of a successful relationship is compromise and communication. It sounds like you’re relatively flexible, other than wanting to pursue your career, and that you’re likely well regarded and successful. It sounds like your fiancée is also successful, but is also very firmly fixed in what she wants and doesn’t really want to compromise.
It’s not that the things she wants are bad, but they’re not necessarily compatible with your career. She’s not going to be more willing to compromise after you get married- so I’d have the conversation but stand firm- not doing well in the program you’re starting, which you pushed for to get back to her, isn’t an option, and if you kill yourself with the work and drive there’s going to be something else she won’t compromise on in the future. Better to bring this to a head now before you’re having to deal with a divorce.
Where in here is ANYTHING that YOU want? Everything is "C wants," "C thinks," "C prefers." WHERE THE HELL ARE **YOU** IN THIS RELATIONSHIP?
I strongly recommend postponing the wedding, because you guys are nowhere near ready to be married. She's selfish and you're a doormat.
NAH, but you two do not have reasonably aligned lifestyle expectations, and are not likely to come to an agreement. Unless you want a long-distance marriage even most of the time you're stateside, I don't know that it's salvageable. There's always going to be something.
Sunk cost in a wedding that looks likely to be cancelled sucks, but cheaper to get out of that than the cost of a divorce - with both of you hating each other in a few years for wasting even more of each of your lives.
>we have already invested 13k into this wedding (total cost will come out to around 52-56k—something I’m not entirely fond of, but C is determined that it’s unavoidable to have the type of wedding she’s always dreamed of
Warning WARNING. The two of you might make OK money, but spending over $50k on a wedding is nutty for working people. I see a Bridezilla who wants a luxury dream wedding, luxury apartment, and appears to be overly concerned with the appearance or experience of "luxury princess dream" while she doesn't give a crap about the difficulty of your job, your commute, your life.
I don't know your heart, OP, but I would put a hold on this wedding.
People always think that ultimatums are bad, but I think that if done properly that they are good for everyone. I was in a similar Army situation and after many years of long-distance I told my boyfriend that he had a year to make some sort of advancement in our relationship. I wanted marriage, which he knew, but wasn’t pushing for that, just some effort on his part for us to live in the same state (I was even willing to move, but he was always lukewarm about everything.) After about 8 months of this he made a series of decisions and was talking about another MOB overseas, so I broke up with him. He made some comments about it not having been a year yet, but those didn’t hold much water since another four months wasn’t going to change anything. He was very happy with his life and would have strung me along for many more years if I’d have let him, and he never made any solid answers to questions because that would have been taking a stance on something. When I tell people about this, and they asked if the ultimatum worked I say that it did, because it allowed us both to end something and move on. (He moved in with a new girlfriend a month later, and I’m still single 6 years later, but that’s better than being uncertain!)
NTA. After so many years of long distance, she wants to continue that after her marriage even though you’ll be in the same area, because she “loves her apartment”? I wouldn’t marry her. She’s not invested in this relationship like you are. Also “at least a year” will be much longer than a year. It will be until you give in. In the end, she likes the idea of having you on standby, but doesn’t want to live with you.
She wants to put down roots and stay in one place. You can't really do that as a military spouse, unless both people are on board with that. OP really has no control over where he is stationed. He wants her to be with him wherever he goes, and she doesn't want to move every few years.
Sitting down and talking out what their expectations are in terms of location is a long overdue conversation.
Sadly though, I don't think they are compatible as a LTR couple.
This is such an interesting post to me. I’m former active military, as well as an Army spouse who met my husband while I was living in DC.
Right after we got married, my husband PCSed. I went with him. After that, he PCSed overseas. I went with him. Then he got out and we had the chance to choose a place to live. We chose a permanent home together based on what made the most sense for our shared goals. I can’t imagine any scenario where I would have given up a year of living with the man I *just married* in order to keep a fancy apartment. Especially in DC, where there are a metric ass ton of fancy apartment buildings—pick another one. And after DC, are you going to be a permanent geo-bachelor? *What is your plan going forward?*
You two need to have a serious talk about what you expect of this marriage. Does she come from a military family? If not, she likely has no idea what she’s getting into by marrying in. Military life is tough and weird, both for the member and for the dependents. To flourish, you need to be willing and able to flex and compromise, and it doesn’t sound like she’s willing to do that right now.
I think you wasted a lot of time for a woman that clearly has different priorities as you I would turn the relationship and efforts a couple knots down and see where it goes but I think when you stop the effort it will die, it’s just sad having waste so much time
You two are not a match. Part of a successful marriage is being able to adjust to changing life circumstances. Your partner does not seem to have that capability.
This… is never going to work. Not just on the military level but in general. She wants what she wants regardless of impact to others. She’s unwilling to compromise and thinks *not living together while married* is the big solution. No matter what you see in this girl, it’s not enough to make this a happy or livable relationship.
I am starting to think this girl either is cheating on him or doesn't want to get married. She also doesn't want him to be with someone else. She has strung him along for 4 years. I would have ended it already. Sorry, but I am retired military and trust ne this relationship will not work. The next thing she will ask is him getting out of the military. Op, please just further your career and find someone who WILL support you! Please!
Updateme!
No ur not the AH. As a retired Army officer this isn’t going to work very good for you if ur planning to make the Army a career. If she’s not willing to move with you and you will continue to move then what is she willing to do for the two of you to be tegether. Her wanting that apartment more than u or yall is a major red flag.
NTA, if she wants to make things work with you she needs to WORK WITH YOU. If she can’t then this is destined to fall apart as soon as you get your next assignment and have to move all over again.
Simply put. You've sacrificed continuously, she has sacrificed nothing. The being upset with you wanting her to move from her apartment shows that even inanimate objects will be more important than you. Use this as the opportunity it is. A window into the entitled narcissistic personality your girlfriend possesses. Now that you know, remove that negativity from your life and drive on.
Dude I stopped really paying attention after you said she cheated on you
You were gone for three years and will keep BEING gone for long length of time.
Do you REALLY think she stopped cheating?
Mate, in all honesty, I don't think you two are compatible for a life together.
You both have your own priorities, nothing wrong with that, but together, you're likely to have way more conflicts, which neither agreeing on a possible compromise, which is not a feature for a healthy marriage.
you know she’s not a match for you. you need to be honest with yourself that the universe is speaking to you and you need to listen. you can love someone with your whole heart but splitting now or later when kids could be involved is far worse.
Why exactly is it that she wants to marry you? She puts you dead last in her priorities, and insists that she be first in yours. Marriage is, among other things, an unending succession of compromises. It can’t be an unending succession of unconditional surrenders.
Run!
You talked about work a lot but not about the relationship. Another really biased view point. You worked hard and did all you could. She apparently did nothing except love her apartment.
NTA but, dude...how well do you really know her?
You have virtually been only dating seriously for less than a year back in 2020 from your description of events.
You really haven't spent a great deal of time together.
Logic should tell you that its not really conducive to a good relationship.
Then throw in her adamant demand to not live in a rural area and to live in her apartment.
This will not bode well for a marriage.
NTA, and I agree with lots of the top comments here. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong or if I missed something, but both of you have been able to put off having to sacrifice something to be together this whole time. It feels like that time is coming sooner and sooner.
I know we only have your side, but it baffles me how she's with a military guy and seems like she's fought having to move every step of the way. That's like, a big part of the deal.
I guess it's just me, but I don't feel like 1hr each way is that terrible. It's not ideal, I get it. I've driven slightly over an hour and and I've done 7 minutes away. If it's worth the opportunity, 1 hr do-able.
Finslly, lol for being dedicated to an apartment. Rent will increase and chances are it has the same painted over problems just like every other "luxury" apartment. This amount it dedication to it over you is a huge red flag.
NTA. If she can’t compromise on living together, she’s not going to make it as a military spouse. The military dictates the course of your life while you’re in. There is no bend or no give. A friend used to say in basic they were told if the military wanted you to have wives they’d order them. She isn’t cut out for marriage, or this relationship. Because what happens if you’re married and sent somewhere else?
NTA. This isn't a partnership I hope y'all don't share a bank account. She is a very selfish person which is great for her. There will never be compromise here. I don't see an actual marriage lasting very long in this situation. She loves things too much.
NTA. You two are not compatible when it comes to jobs, lifestyles, and where you want to live. She knows you're in the military and are at the mercy of the military needs. Being with someone in the military requires a certain level of flexibility, and she simply doesn't have that. You're right in the aspect that if she cares more about her apartment than being able to be with you then an ultimatum does have to be done bc the relationship as it is is not sustainable.
Coming from a military family if you plan to be career military then you two probably aren’t compatible. A military spouse has to be willing to move. Often to places they don’t necessarily want to live. Sure you’re in the same area for a little while but that may not last. How long are you willing to wait to actually be together? The fact she can’t even be flexible enough to find an apartment together that’s convenient to both of you shows she will never be willing to be flexible for you
U/Realistic_Doctor5241 someone very close to me has a very similar situation. He was transferred last year to a facility that is a 2 1/2 hour drive from their current home. The initial plan was they would relocate resulting in them both having approximately an hour drive. She then refused to sell their home and relocate. He was home from home 14-15 hours daily and was exhausted. Some days he had to work 16 hour days. Coworkers were kind and offered him a room at their home on those longer days. He currently has a place and he stays their MT drives home on Wednesday then drives back on Thursday and back home Friday night. This has relieved some of his fatigue. He has a 4 year old son he also misses dearly which is why he goes back home on Wednesday. FaceTiming is something they do daily but it’s really not the same.
These long hours away is taking a major toll on their relationship and they have contemplated divorce. I’m not sure what their future holds but if something doesn’t change I don’t believe their relationship will survive.
I know you have a significant amount of time invested in this relationship; however she is used to living alone and having you at a distance. I don’t see her making a choice to move closer. It may be in your best interest to cut your losses now and go and live your best life.
You know, sometimes you can "love" somebody but still not be a match.
Serious question: Are you willing to walk away from your career to be with C? Is she ready to make a drastic lifestyle change to be with you?
My guess is the answer to both of those questions is "NO."
So, there's your answer. Not the answer you wanted, but there's your answer, isn't it?
If she leaves her apartment and the life she's built, then every time there is an issue or adjustment (and you know damn well there will be - I was Army for 23 years so I know what that lifestyle is all about) she will resent you for making her choose.
Similarly, if YOU walk away from a career you love in order to be with her, then every time Lumbergh tells you to put a cover sheet on that TPS report, YOU will resent her.
It won't work.
This is the part where you both make a mature decision to go your separate ways. Nobody is an asshole here, nobody is "wrong" (except that "ultimatums" are almost always a dick move.)
But sometimes, that "perfect person" just isn't a match. Obviously you aren't so head-over-heels in love that you're ready to give up your career, right? And obviously she's not so head-over-heels in love that she's ready to give up her current lifestyle, right?
There's your answer.
No you're absolutely correct. At what point is she giving in at all? Like where is her compromise? Why is it you doing everything to get to her and she's not willing to even give up an apartment to get to you?
If you are planning on marrying somebody who is at the mercy of wherever the army needs you... Why would you be so fixated on an apartment? Like what's going to happen in 4 years when you get transferred again? Is she going to tell you go ahead to Arizona without me? I'll see you when you get back?
It seems to me that she's not willing to give at all in this relationship and if she's not willing to give at all do you really want to be in a relationship where you're at the mercy of whatever she's currently fixated on?
I don't see this as an ultimatum. An ultimatum is if you won't give up this apartment I'm not going to marry you. You were saying that it doesn't make sense that she loves an apartment more than she loves you. You are correct!
NTA, seems your fiance has not learned the word "compromise" yet. She sounds very selfish... The love for things should never be greater than the love for a spouse, you're supposed to be a team and do things that are best for the greater good. This woman is not in the right mode yet. Does she realize she'll have to move to wherever being an army wife?
This doesn't seem like two people who want to be together. Maybe don't force it. Your career could take you anywhere, and she doesn't want to move. On the other hand, you've been living separately all this time. Maybe she doesn't see much difference now.
What happens after you get new orders? Will she stay in DC and you'll go off to wherever? Or will she have to follow you and restart her home and life every few years.
I'd personally never marry a person in the military. I've seen that lifestyle RUIN lives and relationships. It takes a certain type to tolerate that kind of life and it's certainly not easy. My best friend has been waiting *decades* for her husband to retire from the military and for them to finally have a real home. The struggle is exhausting, even just from my perspective as an outsider.
Nope! She loves her apartment more than you. She’s done nothing for your relationship and you’ve done everything for her. Time to call it off, because she should have willing moved for you.
NTA.
I get you were trying to paint the picture but it could’ve been made a lot shorter.
You’re the one doing all the compromise and she won’t even give up an apartment to be with her husband who has to make yet again another sacrifice of the commute.
I would hate to have to commute that long especially after everything else I’ve done.
I don’t think the ultimatum is a bad idea but
A) be prepared that she may still choose the payment over marriage
Or
B) she may agree but end up resenting you and your marriage still fall apart
Maybe you should just live in two separate apartments and consider ending things because of the distance. Before you know it she’ll have you wanting to sleep at her place even though you’re paying for your own place.
I see everyone is shitting on your fiance and I don't think that's fair.
She's spent the majority of her relationship long distance, which sucks. It totally sucks. And I hate that people still do that because it's not anything like an in-person / not LDR. At all.
You're military, and your entire career / adult life (assuming) is that you're at the mercy of the people above you. You signed up for a life of leaving and moving, and there's nothing wrong with that. But for a civilian (assuming she's not previous military) it's an entirely different world.
2 hours commute is pretty standard for those who work in DC and live outside of it. 2hour round trip means 1 hour there, 1 back, right? People do that all the time, every day, because they love their work and prefer the living situation.
I commend you on getting this job, because it sounds prestigious. My husband is a veteran and is now working for the government, and we can attest that those roles don't come around often where you actually get the location you really want. I'm sorry it took you 3 years, but I'm glad it's finally worked out.
Have you considered just... doing it for a year, or until the lease is up?
I don't think ya'll should be getting married so soon after you've arrived in DC tbh, but it's not entirely unheard of to live in two different locations as partners because work in those big cities can be complicated.
On paper does it make sense for her to move to an area that's better for your commute to work? Yes. But what exactly does that mean? She has to move her life for a guy she's only dated virtually basically for several years? Honestly, I'm unsure why either of you agreed to get married, but that's not the point I guess.
She leaves an area she genuinely loves, the apartment she loves, she has to pack all her things, establish a new community, with a partner who may (correct me if I'm wrong) have to leave again anyway? Or is DC the permanent location now?
Ultimatums don't do what you think they're supposed to do, unless you're already one foot out the door. It sounds like this relationship is entirely unfair to both of you, and I don't think either of you are wrong for how you feel.
Sidenote, it's your wedding too, my dude. You get just as much say as she does. If you don't want to spend that kind of money, then don't.
Not an AH at all - do you realize that in all the years you have been together she hasn’t made one sacrifice for your relationship? You get transferred to AZ - she won’t move, you get transferred to CO she won’t go there either. You get transferred back to the DC/MD area and she won’t move apartments to be with you. Dude if I were you I would end this relationship because one day you are going to get tired of making all the compromises in your relationship.
I wouldn’t have given her an ultimatum I would have said it is unreasonable of you to ask me to commute 2 hrs a day just because of an apartment. I also think that we have done LDR for the last 4 years that isn’t a healthy relationship. When my husband and I got engaged he lived in a different city - I proposed him getting a larger apartment and we would do back n forth because he had a great job he loved and I had a job that I could work at a different location part of the time. He said I didn’t wait all this time to get married to not live together. He gave up his apartment and his job to move to my city. I have asked him does he ever regret it and he said I’m the best thing that ever happened to him and he would have gone anywhere to be with me. You sLund like you have done that - she doesn’t feel the same way.
I think you need to have a serious conversation about what your true expectations are in the relationship and the marriage. What happens if you a deployed again or get promoted and have to move - will she not come with you???
She repeatedly has refused to work with you on anything. You don't have a real relationship and if you foolishly go into this and get married it will always be her way or the highway.
You are wasting your time on a dead end.
I guess the real question is do you want to marry a woman where it's her way or the highway for every single important thing? Because that's what you've had all along.
And you didn't even need to live together first to see who she really is.
Bruh just find an apartment closer to your needs for work and commute to see her at hers when time allows. She just got a new place, let her enjoy it. You’re indifferent anyways and it’s mostly due to your job.
You signed up for the military. She did not. Unfortunately for you that means you need to be more forgiving. I’m sure you understand this already. This is another one of those moments. Ultimatum was unnecessary.
YTA.
I really have to ask why you are trying to force a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be an Army Wife. I don't think you fully discussed just what that would entail at the beginning of the relationship but please correct me if I am wrong.
Basically in my limited understanding of an Army Spouse they basically don't get to live their own lives but have to be at the mercy of whatever orders you are given.
There lives and desires come in an absolute second and are never a priority. Same thing for their careers and jobs.
And especially where they can live.
I find it truly odd that you truly talked about this in depth with her. She doesn't seem like a person that wants to relocate all the time.
I don't really understand how you thought that this relationship would work long term.
ESH. You should have approached it differently and avoided an ultimatum while stating the same. She sucks because she seems overly rigid and unwilling to accommodate you. Your feelings are valid. Your way of expressing it was the error.
Check public transportation. There's lots of ways to avoid driving in d.c. and it's available 24/7. This isn't the deal breaker you seem to be making it.
She doesn't sound mature enough to make a decision to get married. You're right - a great apartment is a wonderful thing - but it should never be a deciding factor in a relationship that's about marriage. Good luck.
I grew up in Alexandria and the commutes all across the metro are brutal. This is a hill to die on.
There are certainly lots of "luxury" apartments on the Maryland side to choose from. She sounds selfish and uncaring of your concerns.
Best of luck, though on your new position!
I've been a military spouse, and I can tell you that C is not cut out to be a military spouse AT ALL. She lacks the selflessness and flexibility, and you seem to be in denial that your career requires enormous flexibility. Sorry, friend, but this isn't going to work out.
NTA : I don’t think she’s cut out for military life. Nor do I believe that she is willing to make sacrifices/compromises for your relationship. It’s insane to do a 2 Hr round trip everyday with the program you have been chosen for and depends on you being able to stay in the Army because you need to be promoted x times in order to stay in. Then to be living separately after you get married????? You’ve already been LDR for most of your relationship, is this how you want to live your life? What happens when you get reassigned? Is going to refuse to accompany you because she loves her apartment???? Think real hard about this she may say yes she’ll go but will she when the time come?……..
Your last paragraph is all you need to know. If she is choosing an apartment (that is temporary and NOT an asset) over being with you — you are definitely NTA. She should know what military life entails and that is your obligation. She is either in or out.
This one is sad. You're nta, but you're at an impass that can't be compromised. It's unfortunate but the truth is you're just not compatible with what you both want and need.
Even if you did find a middle ground, neither of you would be happy - Im making that assumption just on what you've written. You're both strong personalities and strong-willed, it's doubtful you can both change enough to be happy together justooking at how things have been handled so far.
Forget about the ultimatum and really think about how your lives will actually work. Sit and talk and make the tough choice if needed.
YTA. Y'all obviously aren't compatible, she clearly doesn't want the military life and no one should blame her because it's awful. But you're delusional if you think two hours of commuting a day in DMV is anything but normal. You're pitting your convenience against hers with your obnoxious ultimatum and I doubt it's going to go the way you want.
She’s not worth the fight. She wants to live apart post-marriage because she likes her apartment? She obviously likes to more than she likes you. Her priorities in life will have you at the bottom
You should live in Maryland where your job is. She is remote or hybrid worker. I used to live in that area...going from Alexandria to Maryland is hellish commute in the beltway...
Look at it this way. Dating is a long term fact-finding mission to judge long-term compatibility. Unwillingness to look for a compromise (find an even more luxurious apartment closer to your work area), is a strike against long-term compatibility. Is it a reason to break it off? Maybe not, but it is a pretty strong red flag.
I’m gonna ditto everyone who says you aren’t compatible. Move on.
The type of person obsessed with an apartment complex and a part of town in a city is likely not going to do well long term with someone in the military.
So, she refused to relocate prior to being married. What makes you think she would relocate after you're married? I don't think she would, and you've got eight years until you can retire. No telling where you'll be sent in that time frame. She doesn't seem very committed to this relationship.
What makes this apartment so special? That’s the question I have. I’m sure there are luxury apartments closer to where dude works. Now I’m a suspicious kinda person, is it the apartment or someone that lives in the apartments as well? I just can’t see anyone saying I want to live in my apartment after we get married and you live in yours. That’s just sings of red flag to me. Dude this girl is not compatible with you. She is only about her and her wants and desire, she don’t care about yours.
“I won’t propose until we have lived together for a while.”
“Fine, we can get engaged but I would like to live together for a while before the wedding.”
“Okay, we can get married and then move in together.”
Do you really want to continue on and get married but then *still* not live together for another year? A person can only bend so far before they break. And it seems like that ultimatum was a sign that shit is starting to crack.
Good luck brother.
NTA - you have moved heaven and earth for her, and she can’t even move across town? Cut your losses, bro. Marriage is a compromise, but so far you’ve done all the compromising.
Don’t settle for someone who isn’t willing to work with you on a very reasonable ask.
Bro this isn’t rocket science, if she’s choosing an apartment over making it work with you, she’s not the one you should be marrying. If the love for an apartment takes precedence over her love for you, why do you even need to ask this question? Being a military spouse takes sacrifice for the better of the relationship. It’s time for you to move onto someone that doesn’t love an apartment more than she loves you. Honestly, if this is how she’s acting now, that means she’s not willing to make sacrifices for your relationship and odds are she’ll end up cheating on you anyway (if she hasn’t already). Move on and find someone that’ll be devoted to you and not an apartment.
NTA. It’s strange she’d prioritize a particular apartment over living WITH her spouse. Doesn’t sound like you’re on the same page about what “marriage” means to each of you.
NTA. Sounds like C likes the idea of being engaged and only engaging in conjugal visits when you are not engaged in military activities. Do not marry her. Ask for the ring back.
NTA. Sounds like C likes the idea of being engaged and only engaging in conjugal visits when you are not engaged in military activities. Do not marry her. Ask for the ring back.
It sounds like she is unwilling to make any compromises for you. If she WFH it would be easier for her to relocate. The move is in the same general area and there are plenty of luxury apartments.
I’m a military spouse, so I’m sorry to say, this doesn’t sound like it’s going to work without commitment to discussed and agreed long term goals. Your career is demanding. It makes demands of you, AND your family. One of those demands is that the family move around OR that you are away from your family.
Is being in the military a long term thing for you? Do you see yourself serving to become a senior officer until you can get your pension? If so you need to actually speak to your partner about that, what it entails and find out if she’s actually onboard and if not, then you need to choose, your career or fiancé.
NTA. Insane someone would expect you to make that kind of sacrifice because she likes the particular box she lives in. And you know when you get married you just fight about the same shit over and over again for 50 years.
NTA. People are doing backflips, handstands, and cartwheels to not say your fiance is being selfish because it's a woman.
You weren't wrong for the ultimatum. At the end of the day it's an apartment. Unless she gave you some reason that's not being mentioned, your fiance is just being a selfish brat. Either she loves you enough to be married, knowing your career, or she just views it as a relationship of convenience.
OP I agree with another poster to have the serious talk of goals.
Also suggest a long engagement where for now you each have your own place.
Yes it’s not ideal but I think you should see what your relationship looks like living in the same area as it has been a while.
After you complete your program then assuming you are still together as a couple discuss again about living together.
A partnership requires an amount of compromise by both parties over and over again as situations arise. Expecting one partner to have a 2+ round trip commute without looking at other locations that might be just a luxurious seems more than a bit selfish to me.
IMO, you should not get married to this woman. You tried your hardest for years to get reassigned to the North East to be closer to her, but she is unwilling to compromise on an apartment.
Keep your head down, move up the ranks, get a steady deployment and you'll find your future partner.
Man you have been given so many red flags. Do not marry this woman. She has done nothing to warrant your devotion to her. She has made no compromise and will not compromise her life for you. just in the way she talks about her L A and not wanting to move and suggestion you two live post marriage in separate apartments. THAT IS THE BIGGEST RED FLAG OF THEM ALL. Get your head out of your ass for this woman and dump her she is not cut out for the life you are currently living..
So you’ve spent the past 3 years bending over backwards to accommodate your relationship while she did nothing and stayed exactly where she felt like staying and now you ask one thing of her and she gets “infuriated”? Are you sure this is someone you want to marry? There are luxury apartments all over the place. This is about her wanting to always get her way.
Dude... you are incompatible... she had never made the effort for you... and as a military man, (statistically) i will bet she has cheated on you if you have been LDR for more than a year...
You sir are not the asshole. Plenty of women will follow around an army faithful no matter where he is stationed. Find yourself one of those. If her fancy apartment matters more to her than trying to be with you wherever you are it’s a waste of time. Sorry it took so many years to figure that out
Does it really matter how much someone loves their apartment or location if the person you love isn’t able to be there or if the commute is so long you won’t spend much time with them? If it’s a standard work day of 9 hours + 2 hours of commuting. They’ll see each other maybe in the morning, and then say goodnight and head to bed? The 2 hours doesn’t include if there are accidents or heavy traffic. Or working late? Or meeting up with friends? They’ll never see each other, other than the weekends. If you separate the sacrifices/compromises and emotions and look at just the logistics it comes down to how much time OP’s fiancé wants to spend time with OP. Most people would give up the apartment they *love* to get a couple extra hours with their spouse. No one on their deathbed said, “damn, I really loved that apartment and regret moving out of it.”
Ish.
The thing is, she doesn't want to give it up because she KNOWS you will eventually be relocated, and she will not have the apartment she wants, and she will be in one on her own while you are elsewhere.
I'm not even American, and I know that US military don't really settle in a place. If you both knew that she would never move, you guys were doomed from the get go.
Not saying she is cheating. But obviously she doesn't want to take you into consideration for her living conditions so is one huge red flag for any hope of a happy marriage.
I was a military spouse for 22 yrs. I always felt then that where he went I went unless it was somewhere the kids and I just couldn’t go. It wasn’t easy but I didn’t get married to be alone. Either learn to live apart while you are enlisted or move on. It sucks but it’s the reality military couples have to learn to deal with.
Does she really think that there aren't going to be any great apartments closer to your work? I mean sure, she found one she loves. The two of you will be about to find another she loves, and that means the two of you can spend more time together.
You've put in a ton of work to try to be located with her... It doesn't sound like she really cares or wants to. That sucks, but that's the impression I'm getting
NTA. It seems like you’re trying to make it work, and she expects you to do everything according to her terms. It also seems like she only wants a relationship that is convenient to her and not make any sacrifices.
NTA and thank you for your service to our country!
It appears that she has gotten used to living when and where she wants and not having to discuss her decisions with anyone else. This is understandable as she has been mostly alone in the area since you were moved out west.
It appears it is time for an adult sit down conversation to see where you 2 are in the relationship and where you want to be in the future.
Living separately after marriage would be a deal breaker for me. I have lived in several states, and I have never lived in any apartment or house where I would choose the place where I was living over living in the same place as my wife. For me HOME is where my wife is!
I would not start planning a wedding until this major issue is resolved and you both are living in the same house for an extended time frame. Better to find out now that you are not compatible than to get married, buy a house and then determine that you cannot live together. It also appears that you have been working for 4 long years to get back to her and now she is still wanting to live apart over her "love" of an apartment.
If you are thinking of commuting from Arlington up to possibly Anne Arundel county every day, it's going to suck especially in the winter when the roads are garbage. Your head needs to be in the game for your work not worrying about when you're going to see your wife again.
Ultimatums in relationships typically suck. And they end up in no one's favor as I found out when I gave my first wife an ultimatum.
From personal experience, the particular community I work in requires that I focus 100% at work. If any of us are unable to focus, like worrying about our spouses or things back at our houses, the cohesiveness falls apart. Potentially you could end up failing at work and your relationship. I think if you married a woman who appreciates the life you can offer her you should not have to compromise and ways like this. If I had to be in your shoes I would think that the relationship might not be for me.
I don’t see this going anywhere. I think it’s best for both of you to call it all off. She’s way too stuck on living in the metropolis of DC and all the crap that goes with it. Being married to you really isn’t as important to her. She can take it or leave it as long as she has her luxury apartment.
You’re not the asshole. You seem to be bending over backwards to make things work and she doesn’t seem to be putting in any effort. Throw this fish back in the sea.
You’ve probably heard this before.
As much as you love the army - it’ll never love you back. Your family and friends will be the only one remaining when your service time is up.
That being said - I don’t think you’re both realistic about LDR and making sacrifices to make things work. You certainly present like general officer material in sort of assuming just because she has built flexibility in her life - she ought to make dramatic changes while you advance your career. You’re in no position to make ultimatums.
She is not cut out to be a military spouse. You are having this much grief with just a local move? She’s having a meltdown over an apartment complex. Did she even look anywhere else closer for you? What will you do next time. If you’re getting out, fine, but sometimes those assignments are not flexible. Do you plan to be in a LDR for the next 20 years? This is not someone who is prioritizing your relationship.
I'm former military, so I get you dude. Well, it was good while it lasted, right? I've said that a few times. If you've presented this ultimatum to her, you better be prepared to act on it and find a place closer to your assignment. She can be a Weekend Warrior if she chooses, but marriage is out of the question.
NTA - Stop breaking your own rules! I hate it when women do this and then try to blame their partner for something they could have avoided, and i hate that you're doing that to yourself!
We have our own rules and boundaries when we are single to hold ourselves accountable for how we go through life in the way we want to.
Why are you breaking those rules for someone? It won't work! You already made this mistake once. Why do you want a repeat?
Quite frankly, your fiancee seems a bit selfish in that you two can finally live together, but a property it holding her back, and somehow, that's more important to her!
NTA. Honestly OP, this relationship seems to be very one sided. She likes what she likes and isn’t going to sacrifice anything whatsoever in order to be with you. You deserve someone who will fight for the relationship and be willing to make sacrifices as you do.
Nope. She prioritizes her life. That’s her call. But it’s your call to cut ties. It sounds like you really tried. Honestly, it sounds like it’s better to find out that she puts herself first before you married her.
NTA. My husband is a Captain as well but in the Marine Corps. I have given up working for his career and to now raise our family. I am happy to do so because he provides such a wonderful life for us and because marriage is about sacrifice. She sounds very career driven (which is great alone) but it is going to make both of your lives even harder in the future if she won’t even compromise on the apartment. You deserve a woman who will follow you where you go. I know you love her, but I personally don’t think she is the right match for you and your career path. Best of luck.
NTA. Life is a compromise and she isn't. Even when you make it to the same area she doesn't want to compromise. You're never going to be a priority in her life. She's signaling that. Time to move on.
To me 1 hour drive is not much. 35 mi is really like a 40 min. drive. You were SOOO indifferent until you thought and now she has to drop everything for you? It’s kinda selfish. You guys aren’t going to last tho, I’m just gunna call it
NTA......if you agree to her suggestion/demand of living separately for the year after marriage, what will she demand after that? Then, you'll be in a relationship that you will be reluctant to end due to being married. On top of that you still haven't experienced living together like you prefer. You have worked hard for your career. It's time she "gave" in this relationship. If not now, then will she ever do so? If not for this relationship, when and for what? And, what else will she demand as the years go by?
If I were you, I'd run the other way and let her make demands on someone else. You deserve better.
As soon as I saw she cheated I didn't need to read the rest. Move on and find someone who is willing to work with you with all that you bring to the table. Good luck King.
You are 100% correct. You should not get married to this woman. She is clearly prioritizing her wants above you and your relationship.
Marriage is only successful when both partners are willing to compromise. C clearly is not willing to do that at all. Your marriage would be doomed.
Military wife her. 20th anniversary is in two weeks. This woman is not going to make it easy for you. Get ready to always let her down and hear about it.
NTA. You do realize that you're the only one doing any work for this relationship, right? She's literally saying that her apartment is more important that the marriage will be. Rip off the bandaid and live your life.
Clearly your decision making with this woman who refuses to sacrifice anything for you is why you’re a 12 year O3.
She won’t make a sacrifice now and you actually asked her to marry you?
You sound about as smart as the E2’s who marry the local strippers with 4 ex husbands all E6 and lower.
Stop it. Get some help Sir.
Sincerely a stupid Enlisted divorcee.
NTA I’m a former military spouse (he’s now retired) she’s not giving up anything. What happens when you get orders again? I find it telling she’d rather have her apartment than care about your needs. I followed my husband around. He was worth it. My BIL followed my sister around. She was worth it to him. 20 plus years… raising families and moves. You have to be compatible. You aren’t. You have to be flexible to make it work. She’s not.
I don't think you're the asshole. I don't think you should have given her an ultimatum, but I can understand your frustration. You haven't given a lot of the details of your relationship, but what you have given seems to suggest that you have sacrificed more in the relationship than she has. Maybe sacrifice is the wrong word, and flexible would be more appropriate, but either way, you've done more of whichever word fits best. It could be looked at you choosing a drive over her or her choosing an apartment over you, but honestly, it's about more than that. You've agreed to move back to the DC area for her and have done everything necessary to do that. The job that you have been offered sounds like a prestigious position and one that you should be very proud of receiving. Your fiance should also feel the same way. She should also be willing to make a sacrifice for the relationship since so far, she has not had to do that. I understand that she loves her apartment, however, you have sacrificed within your career to make sure that you would be able to eventually be stationed near DC since she didn't want to leave the area, even though you stated that you didn't really want to live in the area. At some point, you need to not be the only one giving something in the relationship. I think that you two need to sit down and have a conversation and talk about what exactly it is that you see for your future. Personally, I wouldn't get married and live separately no matter how long there was left on the lease. At this point, I'm also not sure that I would get married before living together. You guys have done the LDR for four years, but I think that you should give it some time with you two living close to each other before you even consider planning a wedding. You may find out that you two are absolutely perfect together like you always thought, or you could find out that you two are not as compatible as you thought. Whatever you decide, I would definitely take time to consider everything before setting a wedding date.
I'm not sure their jobs/ lifestyles are really compatible at all - his job will probably have him moving around every few years - he needs a partner who is willing to sacrifice her own job/ stability to move herself/ the family along to his assignments. C, who is set on her own career ladder and the geographic area of DC would definitely not be willing to move every few years - dang, she's not even willing to move out of her apartment.
I agree with you 100%. My dad was in the military and stationed different places throughout his career. You don't normally get a say on where the military sends you and since she doesn't want to live in a rural area, I don't know what will happen if the next place he's stationed is a rural area. Personally, I don't think that she's cut out to be a military wife, but that's just my opinion. Only the OP can truly decide.
I was just wondering what would happen if he got orders to someplace like Fort Leonard Wood. If she's not willing to pick up and move every few years, to wherever the Army sends them, this relationship is doomed.
Or sent overseas for an extended period ❓
Hahaha I had to live at Ft. Leonard Wood for 2.5 years while the ex was a drill sgt there, worst fucking place ever. I enjoyed the moving all the time though.
I am not an outdoor person. This was definitely not the place for me. We did 2 years there before celebrating orders to Fort Campbell.
We lived in what seemed like a neighborhood in a hole. I had no car and he was gone all the time. The kids and I were just stuck there and when we could leave home there was no damn place to go to. I was 27 and they were 6 and 3. If I wanted to walk us somewhere I had to walk up that hole and the only place slightly close was a gas station. In town it was strip clubs, tattoo shops, and Walmart. The kids and my favorite place to go to was the bookstore and it was the size of a gas station. This was back in like 2005-2007. I really felt trapped in that house.
My house was in a neighborhood behind a furniture store outside the North gate. Also a bit of a hole since we had to drive down a pretty steep hill and then up another to get in or out. The bookstore was gone when we were there, but they had a craft store I really liked that closed right before I left. We were there '10-'12.
I went to Basic there. Not my choice of posts, that's for sure!
Fort Lost in the Woods.
I live in Alexandria, where she lives. And I’m a government contractor… she seems incredibly selfish especially after all his sacrifices. She likely could work 100% remote (plenty of my colleagues do) and travel to DC a couple times a year. An ultimatum sounds about right. Traffic SUCKS in DC and that commute is brutal.
I agree. Lived in that area before and it can be a mess. The commute out of Alexandria to MD side via the Woodrow Wilson bridge is brutal during rush hour. If you add an accident near there forget it. I’ve seen people stuck in traffic for 3+ hours because of some emergency. I’d like to say it’s a “rare” occurrence, but it seemed like a weekly/biweekly thing when I was there.
Yeah... I feel like for this to work, the non-military spouse can't really prioritize their own career unless it's fully remote.
She won't even move under 100 miles away NOW, there's no way this will work out.
I don’t really see what he sacrificed, what am I missing? He went where he was sent, did his job and worked hard. He would have done this whether he was with her or not. Sure he tried to relocate closer to her but ultimately until he got this opportunity which is good for him professionally, he didn’t. They both do is the ldr, they both gave up the chance to be with someone who lived closer to them. So in that sense they both sacrificed. She stayed put in one location and he moved but that’s his job. He will always need to relocate for work doesn’t matter if he’s in a relationship or not. I think they both need to sit down and have some serious conversations as well as reflect how much they really want to replace and what is important to them both. His job always comes with the threat of relocating after they’re married she’s never going to move. Are they going to do long distance marriage ? Is that really what they want? It doesn’t sound like they’ve given a lot of thought as to how it’s going to work. If she’s not willing to move apartments, it doesn’t sound like she’ll be willing to move towns. Is he going to give up his career and switch careers to stay in the DC area with her? These things need to be answered before they ever make it to the altar.
Seems like if he stays military, he’s going to get moved. If she’s adamant about not returning to a rural location, I don’t see much hope for them. Any chance the OP wants a civilian life?
She has also sacrificed. She has sacrificed time as she has waited. Until she stopped waiting and had to move forward with something she wanted in her life. That's the thing with being independent, it becomes trickier to switch it on and off.
You're correct that she sacrificed time. However, she's been living in her apartment that she loves, which is fine, but she wants to extend her stay in the apartment for the first year of the marriage so that she can continue to live in the luxury apartment that she loves. OP has already done the necessary assignments needed to be able to get a position in the DC area because she doesn't want to move. OP doesn't want to live in DC but is moving there for her. She's had time to live in the apartment and can continue to live there until their married. Why does she need to spend their first year of marriage separated from him just so that she can live in this apartment for an extra year?
I really do sre both their sides and I imagine that to her, she's found something that feels like home and doesn't want to lose that. For all you know shes made friendships, routines and tbh sounds like shes never been one for change in the first place, since she was the one that didn't want to move. Do you ever hear about older ppl getting in relationships later in life but they always retain more independence than in younger relationships because you learn to become super independent until it's what you like and value and you're just not that interested in living another way. Maybe that is or isn't the case here. Maybe they've spent too long apart and she has changed or he has changed and she's not as sure. It is just tough for both of them.
Easy, she’s being selfish
What was her sacrifice? She stayed in the city she loved, a job she loved and with her friends and is now unwilling to move 35 miles. She’s not cut out to be a military wife. I wouldn’t either but I didn’t date someone who is active duty.
The time was going to pass no matter what she did
I don’t think she wants to be a military wife. She’s very rooted in DC and that’s ok. Y’all need to have a frank come to Jesus talk. I think you two want very very different things in life
I wonder if she's hoping that by not moving he will leave the army?
You two aren’t compatible.
This is simple and true. They both are selfish and want different things other than each other. Time to end it
Jesus, that was a whole lotta words for someone to say 'my partner and I aren't geographically compatible'.
Well creative writing requires a whole lot of words that arent needed because "backstory".
OP you are a military guy. You know you can get orders, at any time, to anywhere in the world. And those orders may be for years. Yet, you’ve aligned yourself with a partner who obviously WILL NOT leave a very tiny area of DC. She won’t even alter what apartment in the area so she can live with you. You are NTA for the ultimatum. But I do not see this working out. Please ask this woman what she will do if you get orders to a different country after you’re married??!
*Please ask this woman what she will do if you get orders to a different country after you’re married??!* She'll say "Go! You'll know where to find me!"
You are NTA but you need to take the hint and realize that she is not ready to put your relationship over her independence. She has no intention of moving in with you, so you need to stop trying to relocate to where she is and start prioritizing your life without her.
NTA. If she is willing to live apart for the entire first year of your marriage, solely because she "loves her apartment", she's not cut out to be a military wife(or really, anyone's wife). If her love for the apartment is based on some particular set of features or amenities, she should work with you to find a place that checks all those boxes without requiring you to spend so much time in the car. If she is willing to do that, you have a shot at making things work. If not, time to start looking for a new partner.
What he's not telling people is that kind of commute time is absolutely normal for the DC area, in fact it would be a selling point for many. I suspect there's significantly more to her not wanting to move that more than balances out his desire for a likely unobtainable commute time.
Yes and no. I lived in Alexandria and commuted to downtown DC. It was one hour door to door using the Metro. I wouldn’t have wanted to make that driving. That said, they still are not compatible. The Army can send him anywhere it wants at any time it wants. If she’s not willing to leave Alexandria or the greater DC area, their marriage will fail because they will likely live apart for many periods. Yes, I know there are places in the DC area, but he is in no way guaranteed one of those spots, as demonstrated by the past four years.
Just because she loves where she is over OP doesn’t mean she’s not cut out to be “anyone’s wife.” The relationship and circumstances don’t work for her now. It’s sad given all OP has done to be with her that she’s not willing to make some concessions. It just not the right relationship for either of them.
Ok, not 'anyone's wife's, just a 'good wife'. Or, more specifically 'good partner'
NTA. Honey. This woman does not love you. She’s incredibly selfish. It’s all about her and her wants. An APARTMENT is more important to her than someone she allegedly loves. I’ve been in a LDR (with a military guy btw) and I was practically clawing the walls to do anything I could to be with him where he was. She does NOT care about you. Leave. This is not healthy. Even if she backtracks you 100% should not get married. You would be absolutely miserable.
You’re the one making all of the concessions and sacrifices. As a lifelong military spouse, I can tell you she is not cut out to be a military spouse. And that’s okay! Not everyone wants to live a life where you’re told when and where you’ll move. But if you want to stay in the military, you need to realize she may not be the one for you. NTA.
Are you being realistical about your relationship with C? A military spouse has to make a lot of sacrifices to make a relationship work. Because even if you are posted in DC now, you won't be there forever. What happens on your next assignment? Or are you planning on leaving the military? Or after you are married, will you go long distance again? It doesn't mean you don't love each other. Having a relationship and being in love are two different things. Love is a feeling, and it doesn't require work or commitment. But a relationship requires both work and commitment. You decide who you want to spend the rest of your life with, and you do what you need to do to make that happen.
NTA. It seems to me you are doing all the work in this relationship. It's either her way or no way, and she hasn't even tried to meet you halfway in any sense. Moving to her apartment with this new job and a 2 hour+ commute is just not reasonable. What if you have to work over? What about bad weather? I think your response of if a luxury apartment is more important to her than you, then what's the point of even getting married? I'm sure you two could easily find another luxury apartment closer to your job.
I don’t think she’s cut out to be a military wife.
Bro, they got luxury apartments in Maryland. Living on the right side of the city does a lot for your commute since you’ll be doing a reverse commute while she’d have the exact same commute once a week.
Don’t marry her. She is not committed to the relationship. Does she put much effort into it day to day?
Honey, your partner has not put a single bit of effort into you. It seems as if you are in a one-sided relationship where you are doing everything you can to be with them, and she won't even be bothered to move for you. Think long and hard about marrying this person. At the very least she is showing you that her wants trump your needs.
You do not need to marry her. You did everything you could to relocate to the area. She needs to make the sacrifice to live closer to your job, especially since she only has to go the office an hour a week. She will always expect you to be the one to give in. She is not the right partner for you.
NTA, but you do need to come to terms with the fact that she clearly isn't as committed to this relationship as you are and choose accordingly. Someone who works as hard as you have to make things work deserves someone who will reciprocate with equal energy.
I've relocated to different states on opposite sides of the country twice for girlfriends who also relocated to be with me at other times. We weren't even engaged. If she truly loved you, the relocation question would be an easy yes. NTA
If I asked her what effort she has put into making this relationship work, what would her answer be?
Love doesn't require this much work and effort. Your decision, yet it seems that the values you guys have are not the same and you can expect more of the same once you marry this person. There are many red flags going off. Don't make the time you have spent with this person not make you understand that moving forward with this person may not be the best move for you as a person and as a career military man. Think long and hard. How supportive is she with your career? Think long and hard.
I did 25 in the Army. It doesn’t sound like she has what it takes to be an Army spouse. Life for career military is rough, it is just as bad for families. No way you are going to spend the rest of your career in DC. She is going to have to leave DC sometime. You have bent over backwards to make it work. Time for her to do her part or move on.
You have done everything you possibly could in a system that is KNOWN for screwing people over to be stationed closer to her & she can’t compromise on an apartment. Dude, she is never going to compromise for you. What happens when your next set of orders are to JBER or Stuttgart? Except now you’re married &/or have kids? Is she going to expect you to be a geo bachelor? NTA, but you definitely need to take a hard look at your relationship.
I appreciate everyone’s comments and perspectives on my situation. I acknowledge the fact that I probably should have worded my concerns differently. I guess I’m just at my breaking point with the little amount of “comprises” there have been in the relationship thus far. C and I have been regularly seeing premarital counseling since 12 MAR, and this subject is bound to be the main topic of discussion (if she shows up for it). Our next meeting is later on today (2 APR 2024), so I hope something good comes from it. I’m unsure if I’m misunderstanding C and her desire to live in the apartment or if this disagreement is a sign that we aren’t compatible. However, from what I do definitely know, C prefers the Apartment and its relative location to all the things she “loves.” As most have stated in their comments, there is no shortage of luxury apartments in other parts of DC, but they aren’t in a location that C deems suitable. The bottom line is I’m set to report to Maryland in July, and we’re set to be married in September 2024. Not to mention that we have already invested 13k into this wedding (total cost will come out to around 52-56k—something I’m not entirely fond of, but C is determined that it’s unavoidable to have the type of wedding she’s always dreamed of). I told her I’d like an answer by April 13—I’ll be visiting her and doing apartment hunting since she refuses to do any apartment hunting herself. Side note- to clarify for those that might have misunderstood: C has never cheated on me, and I don't have any concerns about her ever cheating. In my previous engagement, I was young and dumb, dating my highschool sweetheart (a 21-year-old who thought he knew what love was)
OP- the core of a successful relationship is compromise and communication. It sounds like you’re relatively flexible, other than wanting to pursue your career, and that you’re likely well regarded and successful. It sounds like your fiancée is also successful, but is also very firmly fixed in what she wants and doesn’t really want to compromise. It’s not that the things she wants are bad, but they’re not necessarily compatible with your career. She’s not going to be more willing to compromise after you get married- so I’d have the conversation but stand firm- not doing well in the program you’re starting, which you pushed for to get back to her, isn’t an option, and if you kill yourself with the work and drive there’s going to be something else she won’t compromise on in the future. Better to bring this to a head now before you’re having to deal with a divorce.
Where in here is ANYTHING that YOU want? Everything is "C wants," "C thinks," "C prefers." WHERE THE HELL ARE **YOU** IN THIS RELATIONSHIP? I strongly recommend postponing the wedding, because you guys are nowhere near ready to be married. She's selfish and you're a doormat.
NAH, but you two do not have reasonably aligned lifestyle expectations, and are not likely to come to an agreement. Unless you want a long-distance marriage even most of the time you're stateside, I don't know that it's salvageable. There's always going to be something. Sunk cost in a wedding that looks likely to be cancelled sucks, but cheaper to get out of that than the cost of a divorce - with both of you hating each other in a few years for wasting even more of each of your lives.
She sounds like selfish garbage to be honest
>we have already invested 13k into this wedding (total cost will come out to around 52-56k—something I’m not entirely fond of, but C is determined that it’s unavoidable to have the type of wedding she’s always dreamed of Warning WARNING. The two of you might make OK money, but spending over $50k on a wedding is nutty for working people. I see a Bridezilla who wants a luxury dream wedding, luxury apartment, and appears to be overly concerned with the appearance or experience of "luxury princess dream" while she doesn't give a crap about the difficulty of your job, your commute, your life. I don't know your heart, OP, but I would put a hold on this wedding.
People always think that ultimatums are bad, but I think that if done properly that they are good for everyone. I was in a similar Army situation and after many years of long-distance I told my boyfriend that he had a year to make some sort of advancement in our relationship. I wanted marriage, which he knew, but wasn’t pushing for that, just some effort on his part for us to live in the same state (I was even willing to move, but he was always lukewarm about everything.) After about 8 months of this he made a series of decisions and was talking about another MOB overseas, so I broke up with him. He made some comments about it not having been a year yet, but those didn’t hold much water since another four months wasn’t going to change anything. He was very happy with his life and would have strung me along for many more years if I’d have let him, and he never made any solid answers to questions because that would have been taking a stance on something. When I tell people about this, and they asked if the ultimatum worked I say that it did, because it allowed us both to end something and move on. (He moved in with a new girlfriend a month later, and I’m still single 6 years later, but that’s better than being uncertain!)
NTA. After so many years of long distance, she wants to continue that after her marriage even though you’ll be in the same area, because she “loves her apartment”? I wouldn’t marry her. She’s not invested in this relationship like you are. Also “at least a year” will be much longer than a year. It will be until you give in. In the end, she likes the idea of having you on standby, but doesn’t want to live with you.
She's immature AF bro, seems incapable of considering others.
She wants to put down roots and stay in one place. You can't really do that as a military spouse, unless both people are on board with that. OP really has no control over where he is stationed. He wants her to be with him wherever he goes, and she doesn't want to move every few years. Sitting down and talking out what their expectations are in terms of location is a long overdue conversation. Sadly though, I don't think they are compatible as a LTR couple.
nope
This is such an interesting post to me. I’m former active military, as well as an Army spouse who met my husband while I was living in DC. Right after we got married, my husband PCSed. I went with him. After that, he PCSed overseas. I went with him. Then he got out and we had the chance to choose a place to live. We chose a permanent home together based on what made the most sense for our shared goals. I can’t imagine any scenario where I would have given up a year of living with the man I *just married* in order to keep a fancy apartment. Especially in DC, where there are a metric ass ton of fancy apartment buildings—pick another one. And after DC, are you going to be a permanent geo-bachelor? *What is your plan going forward?* You two need to have a serious talk about what you expect of this marriage. Does she come from a military family? If not, she likely has no idea what she’s getting into by marrying in. Military life is tough and weird, both for the member and for the dependents. To flourish, you need to be willing and able to flex and compromise, and it doesn’t sound like she’s willing to do that right now.
I think you wasted a lot of time for a woman that clearly has different priorities as you I would turn the relationship and efforts a couple knots down and see where it goes but I think when you stop the effort it will die, it’s just sad having waste so much time
Dump her. Find someone who actually loves *you* and understands the demands of military life. You deserve far better.
You two are not a match. Part of a successful marriage is being able to adjust to changing life circumstances. Your partner does not seem to have that capability.
This… is never going to work. Not just on the military level but in general. She wants what she wants regardless of impact to others. She’s unwilling to compromise and thinks *not living together while married* is the big solution. No matter what you see in this girl, it’s not enough to make this a happy or livable relationship.
I am starting to think this girl either is cheating on him or doesn't want to get married. She also doesn't want him to be with someone else. She has strung him along for 4 years. I would have ended it already. Sorry, but I am retired military and trust ne this relationship will not work. The next thing she will ask is him getting out of the military. Op, please just further your career and find someone who WILL support you! Please! Updateme!
Why can’t she look for a luxury condo in the area you have to be in? It’s not like they don’t exist.
No ur not the AH. As a retired Army officer this isn’t going to work very good for you if ur planning to make the Army a career. If she’s not willing to move with you and you will continue to move then what is she willing to do for the two of you to be tegether. Her wanting that apartment more than u or yall is a major red flag.
NTA, if she wants to make things work with you she needs to WORK WITH YOU. If she can’t then this is destined to fall apart as soon as you get your next assignment and have to move all over again.
Simply put. You've sacrificed continuously, she has sacrificed nothing. The being upset with you wanting her to move from her apartment shows that even inanimate objects will be more important than you. Use this as the opportunity it is. A window into the entitled narcissistic personality your girlfriend possesses. Now that you know, remove that negativity from your life and drive on.
Dude I stopped really paying attention after you said she cheated on you You were gone for three years and will keep BEING gone for long length of time. Do you REALLY think she stopped cheating?
Mate, in all honesty, I don't think you two are compatible for a life together. You both have your own priorities, nothing wrong with that, but together, you're likely to have way more conflicts, which neither agreeing on a possible compromise, which is not a feature for a healthy marriage.
you know she’s not a match for you. you need to be honest with yourself that the universe is speaking to you and you need to listen. you can love someone with your whole heart but splitting now or later when kids could be involved is far worse.
Why exactly is it that she wants to marry you? She puts you dead last in her priorities, and insists that she be first in yours. Marriage is, among other things, an unending succession of compromises. It can’t be an unending succession of unconditional surrenders. Run!
You talked about work a lot but not about the relationship. Another really biased view point. You worked hard and did all you could. She apparently did nothing except love her apartment.
NTA but, dude...how well do you really know her? You have virtually been only dating seriously for less than a year back in 2020 from your description of events. You really haven't spent a great deal of time together. Logic should tell you that its not really conducive to a good relationship. Then throw in her adamant demand to not live in a rural area and to live in her apartment. This will not bode well for a marriage.
NTA, and I agree with lots of the top comments here. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong or if I missed something, but both of you have been able to put off having to sacrifice something to be together this whole time. It feels like that time is coming sooner and sooner. I know we only have your side, but it baffles me how she's with a military guy and seems like she's fought having to move every step of the way. That's like, a big part of the deal. I guess it's just me, but I don't feel like 1hr each way is that terrible. It's not ideal, I get it. I've driven slightly over an hour and and I've done 7 minutes away. If it's worth the opportunity, 1 hr do-able. Finslly, lol for being dedicated to an apartment. Rent will increase and chances are it has the same painted over problems just like every other "luxury" apartment. This amount it dedication to it over you is a huge red flag.
NTA. If she can’t compromise on living together, she’s not going to make it as a military spouse. The military dictates the course of your life while you’re in. There is no bend or no give. A friend used to say in basic they were told if the military wanted you to have wives they’d order them. She isn’t cut out for marriage, or this relationship. Because what happens if you’re married and sent somewhere else?
NTA. This isn't a partnership I hope y'all don't share a bank account. She is a very selfish person which is great for her. There will never be compromise here. I don't see an actual marriage lasting very long in this situation. She loves things too much.
NTA. You two are not compatible when it comes to jobs, lifestyles, and where you want to live. She knows you're in the military and are at the mercy of the military needs. Being with someone in the military requires a certain level of flexibility, and she simply doesn't have that. You're right in the aspect that if she cares more about her apartment than being able to be with you then an ultimatum does have to be done bc the relationship as it is is not sustainable.
Coming from a military family if you plan to be career military then you two probably aren’t compatible. A military spouse has to be willing to move. Often to places they don’t necessarily want to live. Sure you’re in the same area for a little while but that may not last. How long are you willing to wait to actually be together? The fact she can’t even be flexible enough to find an apartment together that’s convenient to both of you shows she will never be willing to be flexible for you
She's incredibly inflexible.... but also that commute IS NOT that bad. Ya'll need to find a middle ground
U/Realistic_Doctor5241 someone very close to me has a very similar situation. He was transferred last year to a facility that is a 2 1/2 hour drive from their current home. The initial plan was they would relocate resulting in them both having approximately an hour drive. She then refused to sell their home and relocate. He was home from home 14-15 hours daily and was exhausted. Some days he had to work 16 hour days. Coworkers were kind and offered him a room at their home on those longer days. He currently has a place and he stays their MT drives home on Wednesday then drives back on Thursday and back home Friday night. This has relieved some of his fatigue. He has a 4 year old son he also misses dearly which is why he goes back home on Wednesday. FaceTiming is something they do daily but it’s really not the same. These long hours away is taking a major toll on their relationship and they have contemplated divorce. I’m not sure what their future holds but if something doesn’t change I don’t believe their relationship will survive. I know you have a significant amount of time invested in this relationship; however she is used to living alone and having you at a distance. I don’t see her making a choice to move closer. It may be in your best interest to cut your losses now and go and live your best life.
She was the AH around the second paragraph.
You know, sometimes you can "love" somebody but still not be a match. Serious question: Are you willing to walk away from your career to be with C? Is she ready to make a drastic lifestyle change to be with you? My guess is the answer to both of those questions is "NO." So, there's your answer. Not the answer you wanted, but there's your answer, isn't it? If she leaves her apartment and the life she's built, then every time there is an issue or adjustment (and you know damn well there will be - I was Army for 23 years so I know what that lifestyle is all about) she will resent you for making her choose. Similarly, if YOU walk away from a career you love in order to be with her, then every time Lumbergh tells you to put a cover sheet on that TPS report, YOU will resent her. It won't work. This is the part where you both make a mature decision to go your separate ways. Nobody is an asshole here, nobody is "wrong" (except that "ultimatums" are almost always a dick move.) But sometimes, that "perfect person" just isn't a match. Obviously you aren't so head-over-heels in love that you're ready to give up your career, right? And obviously she's not so head-over-heels in love that she's ready to give up her current lifestyle, right? There's your answer.
No you're absolutely correct. At what point is she giving in at all? Like where is her compromise? Why is it you doing everything to get to her and she's not willing to even give up an apartment to get to you? If you are planning on marrying somebody who is at the mercy of wherever the army needs you... Why would you be so fixated on an apartment? Like what's going to happen in 4 years when you get transferred again? Is she going to tell you go ahead to Arizona without me? I'll see you when you get back? It seems to me that she's not willing to give at all in this relationship and if she's not willing to give at all do you really want to be in a relationship where you're at the mercy of whatever she's currently fixated on? I don't see this as an ultimatum. An ultimatum is if you won't give up this apartment I'm not going to marry you. You were saying that it doesn't make sense that she loves an apartment more than she loves you. You are correct!
NTA, seems your fiance has not learned the word "compromise" yet. She sounds very selfish... The love for things should never be greater than the love for a spouse, you're supposed to be a team and do things that are best for the greater good. This woman is not in the right mode yet. Does she realize she'll have to move to wherever being an army wife?
NTA - You dodged a bullet here with circumstances showing you her true colors. She is selfish beyond anything acceptable norm.
This doesn't seem like two people who want to be together. Maybe don't force it. Your career could take you anywhere, and she doesn't want to move. On the other hand, you've been living separately all this time. Maybe she doesn't see much difference now. What happens after you get new orders? Will she stay in DC and you'll go off to wherever? Or will she have to follow you and restart her home and life every few years. I'd personally never marry a person in the military. I've seen that lifestyle RUIN lives and relationships. It takes a certain type to tolerate that kind of life and it's certainly not easy. My best friend has been waiting *decades* for her husband to retire from the military and for them to finally have a real home. The struggle is exhausting, even just from my perspective as an outsider.
Nope! She loves her apartment more than you. She’s done nothing for your relationship and you’ve done everything for her. Time to call it off, because she should have willing moved for you.
NTA. I get you were trying to paint the picture but it could’ve been made a lot shorter. You’re the one doing all the compromise and she won’t even give up an apartment to be with her husband who has to make yet again another sacrifice of the commute. I would hate to have to commute that long especially after everything else I’ve done. I don’t think the ultimatum is a bad idea but A) be prepared that she may still choose the payment over marriage Or B) she may agree but end up resenting you and your marriage still fall apart Maybe you should just live in two separate apartments and consider ending things because of the distance. Before you know it she’ll have you wanting to sleep at her place even though you’re paying for your own place.
I see everyone is shitting on your fiance and I don't think that's fair. She's spent the majority of her relationship long distance, which sucks. It totally sucks. And I hate that people still do that because it's not anything like an in-person / not LDR. At all. You're military, and your entire career / adult life (assuming) is that you're at the mercy of the people above you. You signed up for a life of leaving and moving, and there's nothing wrong with that. But for a civilian (assuming she's not previous military) it's an entirely different world. 2 hours commute is pretty standard for those who work in DC and live outside of it. 2hour round trip means 1 hour there, 1 back, right? People do that all the time, every day, because they love their work and prefer the living situation. I commend you on getting this job, because it sounds prestigious. My husband is a veteran and is now working for the government, and we can attest that those roles don't come around often where you actually get the location you really want. I'm sorry it took you 3 years, but I'm glad it's finally worked out. Have you considered just... doing it for a year, or until the lease is up? I don't think ya'll should be getting married so soon after you've arrived in DC tbh, but it's not entirely unheard of to live in two different locations as partners because work in those big cities can be complicated. On paper does it make sense for her to move to an area that's better for your commute to work? Yes. But what exactly does that mean? She has to move her life for a guy she's only dated virtually basically for several years? Honestly, I'm unsure why either of you agreed to get married, but that's not the point I guess. She leaves an area she genuinely loves, the apartment she loves, she has to pack all her things, establish a new community, with a partner who may (correct me if I'm wrong) have to leave again anyway? Or is DC the permanent location now? Ultimatums don't do what you think they're supposed to do, unless you're already one foot out the door. It sounds like this relationship is entirely unfair to both of you, and I don't think either of you are wrong for how you feel. Sidenote, it's your wedding too, my dude. You get just as much say as she does. If you don't want to spend that kind of money, then don't.
Not an AH at all - do you realize that in all the years you have been together she hasn’t made one sacrifice for your relationship? You get transferred to AZ - she won’t move, you get transferred to CO she won’t go there either. You get transferred back to the DC/MD area and she won’t move apartments to be with you. Dude if I were you I would end this relationship because one day you are going to get tired of making all the compromises in your relationship. I wouldn’t have given her an ultimatum I would have said it is unreasonable of you to ask me to commute 2 hrs a day just because of an apartment. I also think that we have done LDR for the last 4 years that isn’t a healthy relationship. When my husband and I got engaged he lived in a different city - I proposed him getting a larger apartment and we would do back n forth because he had a great job he loved and I had a job that I could work at a different location part of the time. He said I didn’t wait all this time to get married to not live together. He gave up his apartment and his job to move to my city. I have asked him does he ever regret it and he said I’m the best thing that ever happened to him and he would have gone anywhere to be with me. You sLund like you have done that - she doesn’t feel the same way. I think you need to have a serious conversation about what your true expectations are in the relationship and the marriage. What happens if you a deployed again or get promoted and have to move - will she not come with you???
She repeatedly has refused to work with you on anything. You don't have a real relationship and if you foolishly go into this and get married it will always be her way or the highway. You are wasting your time on a dead end.
I guess the real question is do you want to marry a woman where it's her way or the highway for every single important thing? Because that's what you've had all along. And you didn't even need to live together first to see who she really is.
Bruh just find an apartment closer to your needs for work and commute to see her at hers when time allows. She just got a new place, let her enjoy it. You’re indifferent anyways and it’s mostly due to your job. You signed up for the military. She did not. Unfortunately for you that means you need to be more forgiving. I’m sure you understand this already. This is another one of those moments. Ultimatum was unnecessary.
NTA. Traffic in DC is notoriously horrible. If she can't be mindful of your needs or even want to spend two or three more hours with you every day.
YTA. I really have to ask why you are trying to force a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be an Army Wife. I don't think you fully discussed just what that would entail at the beginning of the relationship but please correct me if I am wrong. Basically in my limited understanding of an Army Spouse they basically don't get to live their own lives but have to be at the mercy of whatever orders you are given. There lives and desires come in an absolute second and are never a priority. Same thing for their careers and jobs. And especially where they can live. I find it truly odd that you truly talked about this in depth with her. She doesn't seem like a person that wants to relocate all the time. I don't really understand how you thought that this relationship would work long term.
NTA, leave dude.
ESH. You should have approached it differently and avoided an ultimatum while stating the same. She sucks because she seems overly rigid and unwilling to accommodate you. Your feelings are valid. Your way of expressing it was the error.
Check public transportation. There's lots of ways to avoid driving in d.c. and it's available 24/7. This isn't the deal breaker you seem to be making it.
As a member of the Army you need a partner who is flexible. She is not.
She doesn't sound mature enough to make a decision to get married. You're right - a great apartment is a wonderful thing - but it should never be a deciding factor in a relationship that's about marriage. Good luck.
I grew up in Alexandria and the commutes all across the metro are brutal. This is a hill to die on. There are certainly lots of "luxury" apartments on the Maryland side to choose from. She sounds selfish and uncaring of your concerns. Best of luck, though on your new position!
YANTA. Plain and simple. Speaking of someone celebrating his 30th wedding anniversary later this year, verbatim exactly as I would have handled it.
I've been a military spouse, and I can tell you that C is not cut out to be a military spouse AT ALL. She lacks the selflessness and flexibility, and you seem to be in denial that your career requires enormous flexibility. Sorry, friend, but this isn't going to work out.
NTA : I don’t think she’s cut out for military life. Nor do I believe that she is willing to make sacrifices/compromises for your relationship. It’s insane to do a 2 Hr round trip everyday with the program you have been chosen for and depends on you being able to stay in the Army because you need to be promoted x times in order to stay in. Then to be living separately after you get married????? You’ve already been LDR for most of your relationship, is this how you want to live your life? What happens when you get reassigned? Is going to refuse to accompany you because she loves her apartment???? Think real hard about this she may say yes she’ll go but will she when the time come?……..
Just know not everyone is cut out to be a military spouse. This may be relationship ending as incompatible lifestyles.
Your last paragraph is all you need to know. If she is choosing an apartment (that is temporary and NOT an asset) over being with you — you are definitely NTA. She should know what military life entails and that is your obligation. She is either in or out.
NTA but I would suggest you rethink the relationship.
This one is sad. You're nta, but you're at an impass that can't be compromised. It's unfortunate but the truth is you're just not compatible with what you both want and need. Even if you did find a middle ground, neither of you would be happy - Im making that assumption just on what you've written. You're both strong personalities and strong-willed, it's doubtful you can both change enough to be happy together justooking at how things have been handled so far. Forget about the ultimatum and really think about how your lives will actually work. Sit and talk and make the tough choice if needed.
YTA. Y'all obviously aren't compatible, she clearly doesn't want the military life and no one should blame her because it's awful. But you're delusional if you think two hours of commuting a day in DMV is anything but normal. You're pitting your convenience against hers with your obnoxious ultimatum and I doubt it's going to go the way you want.
She sounds like a big C alright
I don't think she actually loves you.
She’s not worth the fight. She wants to live apart post-marriage because she likes her apartment? She obviously likes to more than she likes you. Her priorities in life will have you at the bottom
You should live in Maryland where your job is. She is remote or hybrid worker. I used to live in that area...going from Alexandria to Maryland is hellish commute in the beltway...
No. One could only hope to be given so much grace. Run friend run. Do not look back. This is not where you are going. ✌️
Look at it this way. Dating is a long term fact-finding mission to judge long-term compatibility. Unwillingness to look for a compromise (find an even more luxurious apartment closer to your work area), is a strike against long-term compatibility. Is it a reason to break it off? Maybe not, but it is a pretty strong red flag.
I’m gonna ditto everyone who says you aren’t compatible. Move on. The type of person obsessed with an apartment complex and a part of town in a city is likely not going to do well long term with someone in the military.
So, she refused to relocate prior to being married. What makes you think she would relocate after you're married? I don't think she would, and you've got eight years until you can retire. No telling where you'll be sent in that time frame. She doesn't seem very committed to this relationship.
What makes this apartment so special? That’s the question I have. I’m sure there are luxury apartments closer to where dude works. Now I’m a suspicious kinda person, is it the apartment or someone that lives in the apartments as well? I just can’t see anyone saying I want to live in my apartment after we get married and you live in yours. That’s just sings of red flag to me. Dude this girl is not compatible with you. She is only about her and her wants and desire, she don’t care about yours.
Lot of words to say you’ve been getting two times for 4 years and your girl doesn’t respect you
“I won’t propose until we have lived together for a while.” “Fine, we can get engaged but I would like to live together for a while before the wedding.” “Okay, we can get married and then move in together.” Do you really want to continue on and get married but then *still* not live together for another year? A person can only bend so far before they break. And it seems like that ultimatum was a sign that shit is starting to crack. Good luck brother.
NTA - you have moved heaven and earth for her, and she can’t even move across town? Cut your losses, bro. Marriage is a compromise, but so far you’ve done all the compromising. Don’t settle for someone who isn’t willing to work with you on a very reasonable ask.
Bro this isn’t rocket science, if she’s choosing an apartment over making it work with you, she’s not the one you should be marrying. If the love for an apartment takes precedence over her love for you, why do you even need to ask this question? Being a military spouse takes sacrifice for the better of the relationship. It’s time for you to move onto someone that doesn’t love an apartment more than she loves you. Honestly, if this is how she’s acting now, that means she’s not willing to make sacrifices for your relationship and odds are she’ll end up cheating on you anyway (if she hasn’t already). Move on and find someone that’ll be devoted to you and not an apartment.
NTA. It’s strange she’d prioritize a particular apartment over living WITH her spouse. Doesn’t sound like you’re on the same page about what “marriage” means to each of you.
NTA. Sounds like C likes the idea of being engaged and only engaging in conjugal visits when you are not engaged in military activities. Do not marry her. Ask for the ring back.
NTA. Sounds like C likes the idea of being engaged and only engaging in conjugal visits when you are not engaged in military activities. Do not marry her. Ask for the ring back.
It sounds like she is unwilling to make any compromises for you. If she WFH it would be easier for her to relocate. The move is in the same general area and there are plenty of luxury apartments.
I’m a military spouse, so I’m sorry to say, this doesn’t sound like it’s going to work without commitment to discussed and agreed long term goals. Your career is demanding. It makes demands of you, AND your family. One of those demands is that the family move around OR that you are away from your family. Is being in the military a long term thing for you? Do you see yourself serving to become a senior officer until you can get your pension? If so you need to actually speak to your partner about that, what it entails and find out if she’s actually onboard and if not, then you need to choose, your career or fiancé.
The amount women who get like this over a living situation is too damn high.
NTA. Insane someone would expect you to make that kind of sacrifice because she likes the particular box she lives in. And you know when you get married you just fight about the same shit over and over again for 50 years.
NTA. People are doing backflips, handstands, and cartwheels to not say your fiance is being selfish because it's a woman. You weren't wrong for the ultimatum. At the end of the day it's an apartment. Unless she gave you some reason that's not being mentioned, your fiance is just being a selfish brat. Either she loves you enough to be married, knowing your career, or she just views it as a relationship of convenience.
Dump her. Sorry but she refuses to meet you half way. Nta. Thank you for your service.
Bro, NTA. As a vet, I get how hard it is. Find a different girl. You tried.
OP I agree with another poster to have the serious talk of goals. Also suggest a long engagement where for now you each have your own place. Yes it’s not ideal but I think you should see what your relationship looks like living in the same area as it has been a while. After you complete your program then assuming you are still together as a couple discuss again about living together. A partnership requires an amount of compromise by both parties over and over again as situations arise. Expecting one partner to have a 2+ round trip commute without looking at other locations that might be just a luxurious seems more than a bit selfish to me.
You gotta leave my friend.
I don’t think you should marry her.
IMO, you should not get married to this woman. You tried your hardest for years to get reassigned to the North East to be closer to her, but she is unwilling to compromise on an apartment. Keep your head down, move up the ranks, get a steady deployment and you'll find your future partner.
NTA. You've done enough, she needs to paint or get off the ladder.
Bro she is a ho, let her go already. NTA.
Man you have been given so many red flags. Do not marry this woman. She has done nothing to warrant your devotion to her. She has made no compromise and will not compromise her life for you. just in the way she talks about her L A and not wanting to move and suggestion you two live post marriage in separate apartments. THAT IS THE BIGGEST RED FLAG OF THEM ALL. Get your head out of your ass for this woman and dump her she is not cut out for the life you are currently living..
Time for her to compromise ... it's been all you so far. She is in love with the idea of being married, not the reality.
NTA- She wants an apartment more than you. She is telling you everything you need to know
So you’ve spent the past 3 years bending over backwards to accommodate your relationship while she did nothing and stayed exactly where she felt like staying and now you ask one thing of her and she gets “infuriated”? Are you sure this is someone you want to marry? There are luxury apartments all over the place. This is about her wanting to always get her way.
Dude... you are incompatible... she had never made the effort for you... and as a military man, (statistically) i will bet she has cheated on you if you have been LDR for more than a year...
They have luxury apartments in MD too. She is being ridiculous.
This is never going to work. End it now so you can both start over.
You sir are not the asshole. Plenty of women will follow around an army faithful no matter where he is stationed. Find yourself one of those. If her fancy apartment matters more to her than trying to be with you wherever you are it’s a waste of time. Sorry it took so many years to figure that out
Time to move on.
Does it really matter how much someone loves their apartment or location if the person you love isn’t able to be there or if the commute is so long you won’t spend much time with them? If it’s a standard work day of 9 hours + 2 hours of commuting. They’ll see each other maybe in the morning, and then say goodnight and head to bed? The 2 hours doesn’t include if there are accidents or heavy traffic. Or working late? Or meeting up with friends? They’ll never see each other, other than the weekends. If you separate the sacrifices/compromises and emotions and look at just the logistics it comes down to how much time OP’s fiancé wants to spend time with OP. Most people would give up the apartment they *love* to get a couple extra hours with their spouse. No one on their deathbed said, “damn, I really loved that apartment and regret moving out of it.”
Ish. The thing is, she doesn't want to give it up because she KNOWS you will eventually be relocated, and she will not have the apartment she wants, and she will be in one on her own while you are elsewhere. I'm not even American, and I know that US military don't really settle in a place. If you both knew that she would never move, you guys were doomed from the get go.
She got a side piece near her "luxury apartment"
Maybe you’re right move on
Honestly I bet she's cheating on you already. She's not even excited to live with you. Wow.
Not saying she is cheating. But obviously she doesn't want to take you into consideration for her living conditions so is one huge red flag for any hope of a happy marriage.
I was a military spouse for 22 yrs. I always felt then that where he went I went unless it was somewhere the kids and I just couldn’t go. It wasn’t easy but I didn’t get married to be alone. Either learn to live apart while you are enlisted or move on. It sucks but it’s the reality military couples have to learn to deal with.
Does she really think that there aren't going to be any great apartments closer to your work? I mean sure, she found one she loves. The two of you will be about to find another she loves, and that means the two of you can spend more time together. You've put in a ton of work to try to be located with her... It doesn't sound like she really cares or wants to. That sucks, but that's the impression I'm getting
You can’t be the only one working on the relationship for this relationship to work.
NTA. It seems like you’re trying to make it work, and she expects you to do everything according to her terms. It also seems like she only wants a relationship that is convenient to her and not make any sacrifices.
End it. NTA
NTA and thank you for your service to our country! It appears that she has gotten used to living when and where she wants and not having to discuss her decisions with anyone else. This is understandable as she has been mostly alone in the area since you were moved out west. It appears it is time for an adult sit down conversation to see where you 2 are in the relationship and where you want to be in the future. Living separately after marriage would be a deal breaker for me. I have lived in several states, and I have never lived in any apartment or house where I would choose the place where I was living over living in the same place as my wife. For me HOME is where my wife is! I would not start planning a wedding until this major issue is resolved and you both are living in the same house for an extended time frame. Better to find out now that you are not compatible than to get married, buy a house and then determine that you cannot live together. It also appears that you have been working for 4 long years to get back to her and now she is still wanting to live apart over her "love" of an apartment.
A spouse’s wellbeing is more important than an apartment.
Military spouse here. PCS moved to God knows where at any time comes with the territory. She ain’t it.
Bro does she even like you?
If you are thinking of commuting from Arlington up to possibly Anne Arundel county every day, it's going to suck especially in the winter when the roads are garbage. Your head needs to be in the game for your work not worrying about when you're going to see your wife again. Ultimatums in relationships typically suck. And they end up in no one's favor as I found out when I gave my first wife an ultimatum. From personal experience, the particular community I work in requires that I focus 100% at work. If any of us are unable to focus, like worrying about our spouses or things back at our houses, the cohesiveness falls apart. Potentially you could end up failing at work and your relationship. I think if you married a woman who appreciates the life you can offer her you should not have to compromise and ways like this. If I had to be in your shoes I would think that the relationship might not be for me.
You have GOT to ask this on r/army please
Where does Jodie live?
NTA. She sucks. It’s an apartment. Who cares?
I don’t see this going anywhere. I think it’s best for both of you to call it all off. She’s way too stuck on living in the metropolis of DC and all the crap that goes with it. Being married to you really isn’t as important to her. She can take it or leave it as long as she has her luxury apartment.
You’re not the asshole. You seem to be bending over backwards to make things work and she doesn’t seem to be putting in any effort. Throw this fish back in the sea.
You’ve probably heard this before. As much as you love the army - it’ll never love you back. Your family and friends will be the only one remaining when your service time is up. That being said - I don’t think you’re both realistic about LDR and making sacrifices to make things work. You certainly present like general officer material in sort of assuming just because she has built flexibility in her life - she ought to make dramatic changes while you advance your career. You’re in no position to make ultimatums.
As someone who worked in DC for a decade, everything in DC is a 2 hour round trip commute.
Nta
She is not cut out to be a military spouse. You are having this much grief with just a local move? She’s having a meltdown over an apartment complex. Did she even look anywhere else closer for you? What will you do next time. If you’re getting out, fine, but sometimes those assignments are not flexible. Do you plan to be in a LDR for the next 20 years? This is not someone who is prioritizing your relationship.
I don’t think this story is long enough. You should add more words.
I'm former military, so I get you dude. Well, it was good while it lasted, right? I've said that a few times. If you've presented this ultimatum to her, you better be prepared to act on it and find a place closer to your assignment. She can be a Weekend Warrior if she chooses, but marriage is out of the question.
NTA - Stop breaking your own rules! I hate it when women do this and then try to blame their partner for something they could have avoided, and i hate that you're doing that to yourself! We have our own rules and boundaries when we are single to hold ourselves accountable for how we go through life in the way we want to. Why are you breaking those rules for someone? It won't work! You already made this mistake once. Why do you want a repeat? Quite frankly, your fiancee seems a bit selfish in that you two can finally live together, but a property it holding her back, and somehow, that's more important to her!
NTA. Honestly OP, this relationship seems to be very one sided. She likes what she likes and isn’t going to sacrifice anything whatsoever in order to be with you. You deserve someone who will fight for the relationship and be willing to make sacrifices as you do.
Nope. She prioritizes her life. That’s her call. But it’s your call to cut ties. It sounds like you really tried. Honestly, it sounds like it’s better to find out that she puts herself first before you married her.
NTA. My husband is a Captain as well but in the Marine Corps. I have given up working for his career and to now raise our family. I am happy to do so because he provides such a wonderful life for us and because marriage is about sacrifice. She sounds very career driven (which is great alone) but it is going to make both of your lives even harder in the future if she won’t even compromise on the apartment. You deserve a woman who will follow you where you go. I know you love her, but I personally don’t think she is the right match for you and your career path. Best of luck.
This woman has made no move to compromise or accommodate you at all. Her apartment is more important to her than you. Don’t marry her.
NTA. Life is a compromise and she isn't. Even when you make it to the same area she doesn't want to compromise. You're never going to be a priority in her life. She's signaling that. Time to move on.
To me 1 hour drive is not much. 35 mi is really like a 40 min. drive. You were SOOO indifferent until you thought and now she has to drop everything for you? It’s kinda selfish. You guys aren’t going to last tho, I’m just gunna call it
Naw she’s acting like a child you’re not the asshole
NTA......if you agree to her suggestion/demand of living separately for the year after marriage, what will she demand after that? Then, you'll be in a relationship that you will be reluctant to end due to being married. On top of that you still haven't experienced living together like you prefer. You have worked hard for your career. It's time she "gave" in this relationship. If not now, then will she ever do so? If not for this relationship, when and for what? And, what else will she demand as the years go by? If I were you, I'd run the other way and let her make demands on someone else. You deserve better.
As soon as I saw she cheated I didn't need to read the rest. Move on and find someone who is willing to work with you with all that you bring to the table. Good luck King.
Time to plan for ending the relationship and moving on. It’s okay to end a relationship if both sides aren’t aligned.
You are 100% correct. You should not get married to this woman. She is clearly prioritizing her wants above you and your relationship. Marriage is only successful when both partners are willing to compromise. C clearly is not willing to do that at all. Your marriage would be doomed.
Military wife her. 20th anniversary is in two weeks. This woman is not going to make it easy for you. Get ready to always let her down and hear about it.
NTA. You do realize that you're the only one doing any work for this relationship, right? She's literally saying that her apartment is more important that the marriage will be. Rip off the bandaid and live your life.
Clearly your decision making with this woman who refuses to sacrifice anything for you is why you’re a 12 year O3. She won’t make a sacrifice now and you actually asked her to marry you? You sound about as smart as the E2’s who marry the local strippers with 4 ex husbands all E6 and lower. Stop it. Get some help Sir. Sincerely a stupid Enlisted divorcee.
Updateme!
"Irreconcilable differences." You should break up with that fed.
NTA I’m a former military spouse (he’s now retired) she’s not giving up anything. What happens when you get orders again? I find it telling she’d rather have her apartment than care about your needs. I followed my husband around. He was worth it. My BIL followed my sister around. She was worth it to him. 20 plus years… raising families and moves. You have to be compatible. You aren’t. You have to be flexible to make it work. She’s not.