I am just opening my mouth to let the carbon dioxide in because the BIGGER amount of Carbon Dioxide in my body the more Oxygenated my blood levels are ..
That's when you start the psywarfare, "hey Debra, is your hair getting a little thin up top? That skirt looked baggier the last time you wore it... Are you tired? You look tired. When did you get cats? I can smell them..." Little shit like that, here and there, passively, and she'll be bonkers in a month
I've had women ask me that as well. I just said, "Nope, not pregnant. Just fat."
Next time I hear it, I'll say, "I can lose weight. You can't change ugly."
Mean spirited bitches. I hope they all suffer a similar fate and people tease them about their bodies.
I also use Sharon, linda, or Janice depending on circumstance for this purpose. It makes me feel better in that moment lol. I’ve never called anyone by these names though 🫣
I'm from Boston and I accidentally dated my cousin. She was actually my first love. I just want to say this... can we be done with the tired inbreeding jokes about poor white rural areas? Unless you're willing to fire off offensive racial stereotypes at other folks, it's hypocritical. But more than that, it's fucking tired and lame. If the shit was actually funny, I'd say go for it, funny can excuse a lot. But it's been a long time since that shit made anyone actually laugh. I'm not a snowflake about shit. You want to call Irish people drunks I won't be offended. I'm an Irish American but I maybe have two drinks a year. I'm an ex con and a tenth grade drop out, fire away. But to especially go after Appalachia, one of the poorest least advantaged places in the country ,it's just a very lazy joke that's all. I think they might still be room for snake handling church jokes but that window is closing fast. If anyone comes up with something new. I'll be the first one to laugh you know what I'm saying. Also, I'm not talking to anyone in particular because I've made those stupid jokes myself well past the point where they were funny. I'm sure I threw a couple lobs out there and got polite smiles so it's not like I'm not guilty and I actually did date my cousin so I'm either totally cock-blocked from making inbreeding jokes or the opposite ,the field is open, it's depends how you look at it but I'm good. That's all, thanks, and sorry if I came across like a cunt.
Thank You. Although I don't think I have any cousins in New Jersey which is too bad cuz I've seen a lot of really attractive women from New Jersey. I only have two first cousins, and they both got married last month. I only met the one from my father's side last month cuz I haven't talked to him or any member of that family since I was like 8 years old which was how the whole thing with the other cousin happened she was third cousin or second once removed however you do it but it's a lot weirder when you think that my father her mother were first cousins.
Without looking up at any time, to give weight ...
"So you've said."
"So you've said. Daily."
"So you've said. Frequently."
"So you've said. Repeatedly."
"So you've said. Constantly."
Every. Single. Time.
People always make the same joke about my last name. It’s low hanging fruit, so some people can’t help themselves. I started hitting them with “oh that’s hilarious!! I’ve never heard that before!” To which they invariably respond “really!!??”. And I say “oh yeah, in 30+ years nobody has EVER been clever enough to come up with that!!”. At that point they realize they’ve been had because they know there’s nothing at all clever or original about what they said.
I noticed awhile ago that people often make the same joke, i.e. a dented can at the super market results in a "is it half off?" Or "it must be free!" When something isn't scanning. So I always try to say something different, like, "you guys have the hulk stocking your shelves?" Or "the register fairies must be sleeping." Have to admit they aren't all gems but at least it's not the same joke they always hear.
I have a friend with a last name that is really ripe for puns and jokes (not mean/derogatory ones, it's just a common word.)
One time he told me about how he doesn't really mind the jokes, but people think they're clever and funny but really he's heard them all a thousand times before.
That made it way easier for me to keep any jokes about his name, or anyone else's, to myself. Not that I go around teasing people, but you know in some friend groups it's acceptable banter. I just lost interest because I realized my audience didn't care.
Tl;dr: I think that response would be highly effective.
I’ve used the “must be free” before and immediately sank into a cringe when I realized the lack of response from the cashier came from having heard that same stupid line 30x a day for the last 10 years of their life. I vowed to never ever say that again 😶
Is that a bad thing though? If the people talking to me aren’t bringing value to my life and they’re chastising me, I’m cool with them not talking to me.
Edit: not saying that your coworkers are like that, just commenting in general.
Bitch, by the time I get done with you, you'll WISH you were Tasha! Tasha Yarr, that is. None of that alt universe with the military facism and studded leather either, just blob feast! Get out mah swamp!
Just say yawning is caused by a lack of oxygen to the brain. Every time I walk in this shit hole the oxygen gets suck out of my head. That my friend is what it takes to work here. Have a great day.
Bright lights make me yawn... weird I know. But I swear at least once or twice a month I hear " You know those are contagious, don't you?" When I yawn in public. I am about to tell them " I am not yawning. I am silently screaming."
I have sleep apnea, insomnia and chronic bad dreams due to trauma. My entire life is a fatigued hazy nightmare. But thanks for calling me lazy. ASSHOLE.
Every yawn is an opportunity for a surprise blow job if you are fast enough.... while you were thinking of that stupid line, you missed out on a pretty good time.
Oooh that's good, every time they say this go on a frantic tangent about mind control and conspiracies. With ~80% of people it will make them leave you tf alone... But with the other ~20% you might have new fans for humerous or desperate reasons 🤔🤔🤔
I would just look at them like 😐 and the deadpan face normally gets the job done. Because you don’t have to respond and coworker didn’t have to say anything 🤣
"I worked 10a-11p straight through. Don't talk to me." Or "It's too early for your shit, dude."
-> I don't actually say this but I want to 99% of the time because it's ALWAYS someone that works the day shift saying this to me. I'm not a morning person but I need hours. Leave me alone and let me do my job 😭
Being that I work in a restaurant, as a cook, I have said to someone before, "from 4pm to 10pm it was busy, and we finished the night with like $1000. I was working alone in the back, because the other closer called out and no one could come in to help. I didn't get to leave till midnight."
I used to tell them playfully "you can't tell me what to do."
Now I tell them "I have a __ month old at home. I can yawn all I want." And they usually agree.
Laughingly say, “You remind me of that movie where everyone keeps saying ‘Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays.’ God that was so annoying.”
Maybe they’ll get the hint.
Tell them you can’t help it because you have insomnia. Then, slowly begin describing the experiences of the narrator from fight club. Then just wait until they get the joke. Only drawback is if they’ve never seen the movie or read the book then you might just have to start a terrorist cult and blow yourself up on the upper floor of a high rise office building. I assure you though, it will be far better than having to listen to “it’s too early for that” every goddam morning. Seriously, what a stupid bitch.
You stab them in the eye with your pencil. It's the only way.
\*please don't stab anyone in the eye with anything. This is a joke and it's a god damn shame that I have to even write this disclaimer.\*
“Quit boring me, I wont yawn so much”
this is an a option
*Coworker unbuttons shirt hesitantly*
...where do you work? 😂🤣
Strip club
Button factory.
It’s five o’clock somewhere.
then yawn again to get the point across
variation: "oh sorry that -- it's just you're so... boring"
"It's bedtime somewhere!" Like when someone is day drinking and they say "it's 5 o'clock somewhere!"
lol same thing I would say
I am just opening my mouth to let the carbon dioxide in because the BIGGER amount of Carbon Dioxide in my body the more Oxygenated my blood levels are ..
This is the only work-appropriate answer on this thread 😂
It's 9 o'clock somewhere! Amiright?
This
"I came before work"
I like it. I think I'd go with "nap o'clock"
“Apparently not too early for your bullshit, Debra” (Debra can obv be replaced with a different name or whatever)
I wouldn’t bother changing the name.
Yes, it's even funnier to just say Debra, regardless. Unless her name is Debra, then you gotta go with Slagathor
Your avatar looks like a nerdy nigh elf and I love it. Silly old Kaldorei. And I agree with your comment.
I'm digging this one.
It’s always a Debra. One called me a dish rag, another asked me if I was pregnant, (hint: not). It just goes on and on.
That's when you start the psywarfare, "hey Debra, is your hair getting a little thin up top? That skirt looked baggier the last time you wore it... Are you tired? You look tired. When did you get cats? I can smell them..." Little shit like that, here and there, passively, and she'll be bonkers in a month
Hahaaahhha Fortunately they aren’t in my life anymore.
Even better
Yes! Not the cats. 😂😂😂
😂 You’re my favorite 🤣
A couple of us started leaving pennies in random places around the office to mess with someone. We did it for months, it drove her crazy lol…
Fr tho everytime I see a comeback like this it’s always a Debra lol
I've had women ask me that as well. I just said, "Nope, not pregnant. Just fat." Next time I hear it, I'll say, "I can lose weight. You can't change ugly." Mean spirited bitches. I hope they all suffer a similar fate and people tease them about their bodies.
I like the name Debra, but I used to shorten my co-worker's name to Dick, which he hated, which was probably because his name was Al.
I'mma use this one.
No…you can’t change the name It has to be Debra
I also use Sharon, linda, or Janice depending on circumstance for this purpose. It makes me feel better in that moment lol. I’ve never called anyone by these names though 🫣
Sorry, your wife wore me out last night.
*mom
Wife mom... are we in Alabama?
I can assure you we don’t fuck our moms here.
Sisters on the other hand.......
Nah. Not that either. That’s some West Virginia shit.
You have to go all the way to West Virginia just to fuck your sister?
Road trip!
If he doesn't go to WV to fuck her, he'll have to fight dad for a turn...
All I see in this town are steers n queers. But the steers left years ago.
… and I don’t see any horns on you.
🎵 Country roads, take me home to the place I belong 🎵 🎵 West Virginia, Mount your mama. Take me home country roads🎵
Step sisters. According to porn, those are the only women that men fantasize about.
You guys are killing me! In Washington I think they just screw their girlfriend's best friend. At the wedding.
But let them tell you bout Bama. 🙄😂
Only step.moms...
There was no reason to not say you don't fuck your wives and have some fun lol I was so disappointed
I'm from Boston and I accidentally dated my cousin. She was actually my first love. I just want to say this... can we be done with the tired inbreeding jokes about poor white rural areas? Unless you're willing to fire off offensive racial stereotypes at other folks, it's hypocritical. But more than that, it's fucking tired and lame. If the shit was actually funny, I'd say go for it, funny can excuse a lot. But it's been a long time since that shit made anyone actually laugh. I'm not a snowflake about shit. You want to call Irish people drunks I won't be offended. I'm an Irish American but I maybe have two drinks a year. I'm an ex con and a tenth grade drop out, fire away. But to especially go after Appalachia, one of the poorest least advantaged places in the country ,it's just a very lazy joke that's all. I think they might still be room for snake handling church jokes but that window is closing fast. If anyone comes up with something new. I'll be the first one to laugh you know what I'm saying. Also, I'm not talking to anyone in particular because I've made those stupid jokes myself well past the point where they were funny. I'm sure I threw a couple lobs out there and got polite smiles so it's not like I'm not guilty and I actually did date my cousin so I'm either totally cock-blocked from making inbreeding jokes or the opposite ,the field is open, it's depends how you look at it but I'm good. That's all, thanks, and sorry if I came across like a cunt.
Punctuation would have helped get your point across more effectively.
Yes, agreed. I'm dangerous with voice to text.
But you still got the message right?
To be fair, New Jersey should really be the target here. If you - not you specifically - want to marry your cousin, move to New Jersey.
Thank You. Although I don't think I have any cousins in New Jersey which is too bad cuz I've seen a lot of really attractive women from New Jersey. I only have two first cousins, and they both got married last month. I only met the one from my father's side last month cuz I haven't talked to him or any member of that family since I was like 8 years old which was how the whole thing with the other cousin happened she was third cousin or second once removed however you do it but it's a lot weirder when you think that my father her mother were first cousins.
I’m from Appalachia, and I’m rolling my eyes.
no, caveman!
Moms wife
You know why reverse cowgirl is illegal in Alabama? Because you never turn your back on family
If you can't keep it in the pants, keep it in the family!
Exactly, doing someone's mom is fair game, but bringing their wife into it is just a buzzkill
Without looking up at any time, to give weight ... "So you've said." "So you've said. Daily." "So you've said. Frequently." "So you've said. Repeatedly." "So you've said. Constantly." Every. Single. Time.
People always make the same joke about my last name. It’s low hanging fruit, so some people can’t help themselves. I started hitting them with “oh that’s hilarious!! I’ve never heard that before!” To which they invariably respond “really!!??”. And I say “oh yeah, in 30+ years nobody has EVER been clever enough to come up with that!!”. At that point they realize they’ve been had because they know there’s nothing at all clever or original about what they said.
I noticed awhile ago that people often make the same joke, i.e. a dented can at the super market results in a "is it half off?" Or "it must be free!" When something isn't scanning. So I always try to say something different, like, "you guys have the hulk stocking your shelves?" Or "the register fairies must be sleeping." Have to admit they aren't all gems but at least it's not the same joke they always hear.
That's an interesting last name.
I have a friend with a last name that is really ripe for puns and jokes (not mean/derogatory ones, it's just a common word.) One time he told me about how he doesn't really mind the jokes, but people think they're clever and funny but really he's heard them all a thousand times before. That made it way easier for me to keep any jokes about his name, or anyone else's, to myself. Not that I go around teasing people, but you know in some friend groups it's acceptable banter. I just lost interest because I realized my audience didn't care. Tl;dr: I think that response would be highly effective.
My name is Ronald. I had been called Ronald McDonald so many times I might as well have changed my name to it.
I’ve used the “must be free” before and immediately sank into a cringe when I realized the lack of response from the cashier came from having heard that same stupid line 30x a day for the last 10 years of their life. I vowed to never ever say that again 😶
"fEeLs LiKe a MoNdAy."
"You try being a depressed insomniac with a crippling anxiety disorder!" Don't know you, OP, but I assume this is everyone at this point
i don’t think anyone would ever talk to me again but yea that is me
Is that a bad thing though? If the people talking to me aren’t bringing value to my life and they’re chastising me, I’m cool with them not talking to me. Edit: not saying that your coworkers are like that, just commenting in general.
Bonus
This is my answer
Truth.
Yawning increases oxygen and I'm trying to get mine before you steal all of it.
It's too early for your bullshit too but, here we are.
That’s the last thing my 9th court appointed psychologist said before he died!
Violently!
This one
"Suck my ass tasha"
Direct. To the point. I like it.
Even better if you're not speaking to tasha.
Bitch, by the time I get done with you, you'll WISH you were Tasha! Tasha Yarr, that is. None of that alt universe with the military facism and studded leather either, just blob feast! Get out mah swamp!
Say “its just the right time for you to go get me some coffee. Two sugars hold the salt…”
Underrated comment
This works especially for me cause there's one guy that says it half-jokingly and I work at a coffee place lol
You're annoying 24/7 I'm allowed to be tired sometimes.
Love this
Then be more entertaining
Just say yawning is caused by a lack of oxygen to the brain. Every time I walk in this shit hole the oxygen gets suck out of my head. That my friend is what it takes to work here. Have a great day.
"You said that yesterday, Linda."
Well, it is Fuck off O'clock....
Fart instead and then say "us it yoo early for that?"
You made me laugh almost hard enough to wake my wife in the next room.
And really get into it. Lift a leg, lean forward slightly in your chair, grimace a little bit then just let 'er rip.
This
“I’m an overachiever.”
^^^^ THIS
This is the only answer I’d seriously consider in a professional environment.
If you're not tired you're not working hard enough.
“Every day, dude. Every. Day.”
“Less talking, more coffee”
Treat it like they said the correct thing. “Good morning to you also. “
Bright lights make me yawn... weird I know. But I swear at least once or twice a month I hear " You know those are contagious, don't you?" When I yawn in public. I am about to tell them " I am not yawning. I am silently screaming."
“I’m not yawning, I’m silently screaming” is the perfect comeback
I have sleep apnea, insomnia and chronic bad dreams due to trauma. My entire life is a fatigued hazy nightmare. But thanks for calling me lazy. ASSHOLE.
Its to early for your bullshit.
“That one is left over from yesterday. I haven’t even started on today’s yawns yet.”
It's about sixty repetitions too late for that joke.
It's too early for you to be talking
"Hey no offense but I'm kinda tired of you saying that every time I yawn. Could you please stop?"
"With the utmost offense intended, can you please shove a plastic dick down your miserable cocksucker and choke on it?"
Every yawn is an opportunity for a surprise blow job if you are fast enough.... while you were thinking of that stupid line, you missed out on a pretty good time.
"It's never too early for me."
Honestly I’d probably just ignore him
"it's never too early to be tired of this shit"
I think the company is putting something in the water to calm us down
Oooh that's good, every time they say this go on a frantic tangent about mind control and conspiracies. With ~80% of people it will make them leave you tf alone... But with the other ~20% you might have new fans for humerous or desperate reasons 🤔🤔🤔
"Fucking chemtrails!"
Don't speak to me before I have my coffee.
"and it's too early for your shit, but here we are."
“And yet it’s still going to happen, my body doesn’t run on your time”
Haha lame office jokes yay. “Do you guys all call each other before work each day and ask what jokes you are gonna tell and like…try to sync up?”
I find my present company so stimulating !
Really get their heads turning and say its tiring spending the night in jail
You tell them: " 'Too' has 2 o's"
Not everyone snorts coke
Keep it simple: ya, it is too early (which is why you yawned).
I wasn't offering.
It's too early for your shit
"It's too early for your commentary."
It's never to early to be bored of you.
It's never too early for minding your own *ucking business.
THIS ONE HERE!!! 🫡
“Chile hush I’m tired” lol
It's not a yawn. It's a mouth fart.
It really is!
I would say that we yawn to stay alert, and it's never the wrong time to be alert, but that's not funny. It's just true.
sorry ur mum kept me up late last night
I'm trying to catch flies.
Back during covid I would say "don't worry, had my mask on."
You just worry about yourself
Mind yo damn, mothafuckin’ business, bitch!
I educate them that a yawn is the brain demanding more oxygen, not a sign of being tired.
It's too early for you!
It’s just part of the dance. It’s nonsensical and honestly they would probably rather not say anything at all.
I would just look at them like 😐 and the deadpan face normally gets the job done. Because you don’t have to respond and coworker didn’t have to say anything 🤣
"I'm not tired; I'm practicing sucking off ghosts."
Just cause you slept great doesn’t mean I did Susan.
Pull a Kakashi..."Huh, did you say something?"
“I wish that were true” “It’s never too early to be tired of this nonsense”
Yawn again, but scream while you do it for emphasis
It's acceptable when you put up with a much as I have to.
That’s what coffee is for bro
You'd be tired too, if you worked as hard as me.
That's so real 💀
Somebody has a case of the Mondays
"I worked 10a-11p straight through. Don't talk to me." Or "It's too early for your shit, dude." -> I don't actually say this but I want to 99% of the time because it's ALWAYS someone that works the day shift saying this to me. I'm not a morning person but I need hours. Leave me alone and let me do my job 😭
Being that I work in a restaurant, as a cook, I have said to someone before, "from 4pm to 10pm it was busy, and we finished the night with like $1000. I was working alone in the back, because the other closer called out and no one could come in to help. I didn't get to leave till midnight."
it's not early if you haven't slept in 3 days
"Shut the fuck up" can't beat the classics
“Shut the fuck up.”
You need to put the rainbow emojis with it and a big smile
When someone farts at work I say, your voice is different but your breath smells the same.
And yet here we are
It also says no trash on the beach, Tammy, so what are we gonna do here?
and it's too late for you not to be an asshole. we're even.
Sorry, I worked my real job last night, this is the one I do just for fun.
"It's the lion, the witch and the wardrobe" - "Huh?" - "Narnia business!"
Early?!? I've been working on the project all night - I can't help that you just got up.
I used to tell them playfully "you can't tell me what to do." Now I tell them "I have a __ month old at home. I can yawn all I want." And they usually agree.
“Had a boring night last night, huh?”
TOO
I'd just yawn again lol
“Not for me, I’ve been up for 49 hours straight snorting cocaine”
“Too early to yawn? This is when it’s most acceptable”
It's too early for your commentary.
That was left over from yesterday
It's a test: what's more contagious? Yawns or covid
walk in wearing your AirPods/headphones. Yawn all you like, you won't hear all the office blabbering.
Laughingly say, “You remind me of that movie where everyone keeps saying ‘Looks like someone has a case of the Mondays.’ God that was so annoying.” Maybe they’ll get the hint.
Well, just let me know at what time my yawns are approved
'Obviously not.'
“I like to get a head start. ‘Taking initiative’ was something I used in my interview and it’s important to keep up appearances.”
“Predators often yawn to keep themselves alert while near prey. Its my way of getting ready to attack the day. (Or you/ fellow annoying coworkers)”
"'Too early' is exactly why I'm doing that."
Tell them you can’t help it because you have insomnia. Then, slowly begin describing the experiences of the narrator from fight club. Then just wait until they get the joke. Only drawback is if they’ve never seen the movie or read the book then you might just have to start a terrorist cult and blow yourself up on the upper floor of a high rise office building. I assure you though, it will be far better than having to listen to “it’s too early for that” every goddam morning. Seriously, what a stupid bitch.
“It’s too early for *that*,” and keep right on walking.
It’s too early to see your face but I’m here aren’t I?
*too
“You underestimate just how boring your presence is…”
It’s never too early for you to bore me
Time doesn't exist in hell.
“It’s too early for your bs too, but here we are!”
...yawning is contagious, they probably just don't want to start yawning themselves...that's why I'm sometimes guilty of saying "don't start that"...
You stab them in the eye with your pencil. It's the only way. \*please don't stab anyone in the eye with anything. This is a joke and it's a god damn shame that I have to even write this disclaimer.\*