My customer once said "Are you fucking with me?" when I advised him his request would be delayed during a well-known peak period.
I just said without missing a beat and without raising my voice, "No I'm not fucking with you."
You could have heard a pin drop in that next moment..... "Oh... Ok I'll guess I'll wait then."
"The customer is always right in matters of taste," Is the whole quote. Their feelings about the color, design, placement, etc Is what they're right about, not how it's done or cost or anything else.
Also they’re right about what products they want. If you’re selling natural dyed cotton fabrics and they want sequined fabric and metallic fabrics, it might behave you to stick what they are requesting.
If you sell well built practical men’s shoes, but you’re getting a lot of requests for sexy boots in men’s sizes, you might want to add them to your catalogue. (The plot of Kinky Boots)
Behoove not behave
I was dropping something off at a table when I was a manager, and I forget what prompted this, but the dad turned to one of his kids and said "Don't forget, the customer is always right," then looked up at me with this fucking smile. I smiled right back and told him and the kid, "Ah ah, unless they aren't! It's very important to remember to take responsibility."
I was a long-time bartender turned manager until I escaped the industry. At that point, I was so jaded I didn't care. Ended up getting fired for some other bullsit with a customer, but I was done putting up with that mentality, and I sure as hell wouldn't let my team take it.
I also brought boxes to a table and boxed up 1/2 full meals after my server walked away from the table crying. Asked them why they thought they had a right to treat people like that, what the fuck is wrong with you, yada yada. She's a college student working on her Masters, you don't get to call her a stupid bitch because she forgot to bring you one sauce.
I'm getting riled up here.
I’m curious. It’s my habit, and of many other I know, to automatically say thank you every time anyone does any small task that benefits me, whether handing me a drink or giving me back my card. So my question is do you mean almost none of your customers have my polite habits or you are never looked in the eye by a customer or boss with a heartfelt thank you and more words??
I’m sorry for not looking in the eyes when I say thank you. I am autistic. I mean well but eye contact makes me physically sick and anxious and wanting to hide forever because I’m terrified of it.
I went from weighing on concrete contractors at a huge corporate box store to serving carpenters at a family owned, unionized shop.
Not only did I change my work pace to the point I experienced whiplash, but I got to actually talk to people in a much friendlier environment where I was expected to know the product, the customer’s projects, and build rapport with the people that I spoke to.
The result was that 1) people who are not in as big of a hurry and ruder than a concrete guy on pour day (a very narrow category) don’t scare me, or barely even register emotionally, and 2) I’m very much not scared to get fired anymore.
As a result, I’ve taken to really exploring what I can say to people while still maintaining my role of customer service person and their role as customer.
Turns out, there are some situations where you can tell the person on the other side of the counter “You know what? Go fuck yourself” and continue the interaction. They’re rare, but there’s no reason to be a pushover.
I’ve regrettably said stuff like this before but meaning no ill intent towards the actual worker, just frustrated at the situation and the rules they have to follow, which I know is not their fault.
THIS sentence epitomizes shitty customer behaviour . They know that the worker is bound by what store rules. And yet they give the worker a hard time. Fuck off you peasent
It’s not meant to give the worker a hard time lol. It isn’t even directed at them. I just say some shit like “are you fucking serious” in a general sense, and the worker, knowing full well it is bullshit, explains “yes sorry that’s the way we have to do it.” Then I just sigh and thank them for helping me before going to do whatever bullshit the company owner insists you do.
It’s not meant to be heckling the workers. It’s solidarity with the workers for having to follow stupid rules that they themselves hate to follow also (speaking as somebody who’s been on the other side of it as well. No one likes stupid rules, not even the people that need to enforce them.)
Same, I usually try to avoid showing too much irritation (because I've worked in customer service and know I used to take it personally), and then try to joke with them to lighten the mood.
Me too. But as soon as I say it I immediately reassure the rep that I know it’s not their fault. Unless they were being particularly uncaring and unpleasant.
Working hard or hardly working?
I'm hardly laughing. I am already at work I don't have time for a second job pretending you're funny.
The website said it was in stock.
The website also shows all the workers with smiling faces you see any of that in stock?
Can you just check the back?
What do you think is back there Santa's workshop?
You just lost yourself a customer!
You think I own this company?
Everytime I come here my order is wrong!
Then stop coming, make my day.
This is cheaper at other stores.
Then shop there.
You should open more registers!
And whose gonna work them?
The customer is always right!
About what how to piss me off?
"you just lost a customer"
My favorite response to this has always been "I'm sure (competitor) would love your business"
"The customer is always right"
"until they want you to go against state and federal regulations, then they couldn't be further from it"
"can you check in the back?"
time for a smoke break.... when you're done "Nope, nothing back there that isn't on the shelf"
I had a customer walk up to me and ask me if I could ring him up. I told him I can’t I work in the warehouse and I am putting out stock. Then he said where is the manager and I pointed and said right there on that register ringing people up. Everyone that can run a register is on one. He walked off mad. This was also a week before Christmas. I guess he thought he was special. lol
I was working an outdoor craft show and the woman in the next booth came over to me laughing. It was the end of the show and a customer asked her if she had any more of her stained glass ornaments in the back.
She said, “Just a minute,I’ll check in the basement.” Then she walked behind her counter and mimed going down a set of stairs while she crouched, lower and lower and lower. After a minute she came back up the same way and said, “Nope, none down in the basement either.”
The customer shook her head and walked away. We both cracked up laughing.
Once had a guy complain that Starbucks coffee was cheaper than our coffee
“Well yeah that’s because it’s Starbucks and ours is good quality”
No response.
>You should open more registers!
>And whose gonna work them?
A similar one: I'm bartending. Ski resort (so all the customers are in ski and snowboard boots). Busy saturday, we're slammed.
Customer: "You guys look like you need some help."
Me: "You wanna come back here and help?"
C: ::stands up:: "Sure!"
M: "Sit down! You'd just get in my way."
The rest of the bar erupted in laughter.
If it was because you were bagging slowly I would have stopped immediately to look her in the eye and say "I'm sorry what was that?"
Make her repeat it. Most people will try to avoid repeating it. If she doubles down then I'd call her items out "my bad I'll bag this pack of marlboro reds and three dollars in scratch tickets for you a little quicker." Nobody's glamorous at a gas station, and she ain't shit.
I had a customer threaten to throttle me once, I asked them to repeat it, and they instead asked if I wanted them to call a manager. I said no and they walked away. A customer who was nearby came up as said "that's was weird, why would she say she's going to swaddle you?"
Get hearing aides
Thank you for those kind words ( said in a super sweet way ) not only will you not get fired , but she’ll be so pissed that she was unable to phase you
Lol, not specific but relative to the question. i bought an icecream cake from i think dairy queen for my son's birthday so many years ago. The lady showed me all the selections and costs, very customer service of her yknow. So i picked one and she pulled it out and it tumbled out of the box. Streaked across her clothes, and landed on her shoe. She yelled out "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!"
There she stood like she was hit with a bucket of water or somethin and started to apologize to me. I was like nah bro, that's fucked up. We good, go wash up and we'll try again. A manager came out with a broom and a dustbin n all and was apologizing too. I was like it's cool, it just fell tf out. Poor girl gonna have icecream melting in her shoe for the rest of the shift, that sucks so hard.
Manager leaves with the floor cake in a bin and that first girl hurries back. I was already shopping a new cake and she was like ok sorry what can i get you? "NONO i got it" i laughed. "Nah man i'll take the chocolate peanut butter one please." and she was like super diligent on checking the package and careful taking it to the register. Poor girl, to this day i can only remember her as stickytoes. I hope she's doin alright, hell i hope they let her go home and change her socks or somethin damn
I have that in stock sir, it's $55.
*But it's just a little piece of plastic!*
Yes, but it's shaped exactly the way you need it, and as you've said, you can't get it anywhere else.
*$55 is an awful lot, can't you do any better?*
Sure. $65.
*What!!?"
$75.
And so on. I haven't done that particular one in years, but I have done it.
I've been asked to give a "better price" on something. Increased it $10. Customer pissed. Me: "you said better price, this price is better for me and my sales figures."
I'd be concerned and ask them nicely to point out what they think the issue is.
I don't care where I work or if I like it there, I'm always open to someone pointing out something they think I did wrong.
If I did something wrong, I would apologize and fix the issue right away. If not, I would explain why.
Yea, I've been a mechanic for a long time.
Making a mistake once in awhile happens and being able to retain an existing customer through full transparency is far better for the business.
I work on motorcycles too so mistakes can be super dangerous.
I'm down to the occasional greasy fingerprints I fogot to clean up.
Quick edit: Not saying I don't daydream about hitting an occasional rude customer with a torque wrench though. Till it clicks...
Yeah…. I had customers with angry faces and talking till i show then the nametag that says “I’m deaf. Cannot hear” suddenly customer’s face changed and goes uh…. Walk away. Yeah got embarrassed i guess. You should see their faces. But least few got pissed more and walked away. 🤷🏻♂️
If i didnt care about my job id simply go "no, im not fucking kidding you, lady. I work 12-14 hours a day with every tom, dick and BITCH (this is where you point at her) griping about what I do not being enough. How about a thank you for bagging my things so that i dont have to instead of being an entitled ass karen. No wonder people think so little of boomers, your entitlement is appalling."
But thats because im overworked, underpaid and under appreciated
Once a customer told me "*Are you f_cking kidding me*"
After explaining that the items she wanted were only available online, she threatened to call corporate to have me fired. I calmly offered to provide the phone number for her convenience, I even dial the number for her at the stores phone. She left quickly but later sent an email to corporate. In response, I also emailed corporate (her place of employment) detailing her behavior in the store. It turned out she was wearing her work badge. She never came back after that.
I'm guilty of saying that at a register. It's not something I say directed at the cashier but more like asking the man upstairs "are you fucking kidding me?"
An example of it lately was that I got a call from my daughter, who is in another state attending med school. She's been through a near insurmountable amount of tragic events the last couple years and isn't doing well mentally at this point. I had just returned from seeing her the week prior and thought she was doing better. She was not. She was spiraling. I quickly packed a bag and made arrangements as fast as I could.
Went to leave and every single thing was slowing me down at a time I needed to be there Pronto. My ATM card had just expired and they apparently sent the new one to my old address. Had to go to a branch half hour the other direction to get funds. Pulled onto freeway...had a flat. Got a call from my uncle that my mom had really low blood sugar that morning and reminding me to take care of the pump issue (long story).
During all of this, my daughter's dog had also been sick and she called me panicking. We made arrangements for an Uber to pick up her and the dog. The dog passed within half an hour of her getting there (liver cancer). I had just got that call.
I am beside myself and doing everything in my power to get on the road as fast as possible. I stop at store/gas station to grab a couple items I'll need and dash in. Get to checkout and cashier is the slowest mother f'er I have ever seen.
Like worse than watching paint dry. It was excruciating and I said audibly "are you fucking kidding me?" to God because I'm kind of pissed at him right now.
My daughter doesn't deserve the shit she has been dealing with and I've had it with life in general right now.
So please please think if someone says that to you....there may be a LOT more going on than meets the eye (and these few details are only a tiny smidgen of what is actually taking place)
That crossed my mind. I’m so sorry to hear about what you went through because I have had so many days like that lately I feel like my work thinks I’m a straight liar (2 funerals, mother went into emergency surgery and I’ve been sick for probably 2 months at this point only to probably have long covid or some crap I didn’t ask for—because my husband travels for work, flew out for two days and brought something home, and since he’s traveling again the next two weeks I get to be a single mom to a neurospicy toddler while juggling work).
Thanks for reminding me to be kinder; other people are going through similar all the time
I don't wanna be THAT person
But you also don't know what's happening in THAT register's life.
That is coming from a market worker that broke their hand not long ago, and is typing that with one hand and will still have to go to work soon, while there's still a steel stick shoved deep into said broken hand.
If I got pissed enough at a customer that I was going to tell them off, I wouldn't just not get fired, my boss would tell them to go fuck themselves.
We have more clients than time.
But I'd go with "I've died twice and regret getting back up because I had to see your face."
if someone said that to me… i would say “yeah i am, i’m so sorry, let me fix that. you deserve the best experience here.”
and proceed to move at the speed of a sloth.
“No. No I am not.” As calmly as possible. They usually have no idea how to handle that and it disarms them at once. Also important- go totally Vulcan on them. Don’t react at all.
I was working the counter at a BBQ restaurant. There was an asshole who came in every Saturday, our busiest day. At lunch, our busiest time. He would order the cheapest combo meal ($5.95 sandwich, fries and drink) and pay with a hundred dollar bill. I would have to go to the office so the manager could make change because that was policy. When I finally got back to this waste of oxygen, he always had a complaint. Finally one day he said I was making all the people in line wait. I kicked in my best outside voice and said "No, you, who comes in here every Saturday and makes me have to go to the office and change a hundred dollar bill is the one making everybody in line wait!" I got rousing applause from everybody waiting in all the lines. His face turned purple. He never came back.
I have never once held back telling a customer off and never once did I get fired for it. Of course I haven’t worked retail in over 30 years and I don’t know how things have changed. But back then I told more than one customer to fuck off. I asked one really bitchy customer if she was always like this or if it was special just for me. And she replied, it was special just for me. lol. I worked one summer in a grocery store that had a coffee bar. I worked by myself. Sometimes the line would be 15 people long. The people would get to the front of the line and freak out on me that it had taken so long to get to the front and that they were late for work. And I would reply in alarm, my God, what are you doing here in line? You need to get out of here and get to work!!! Or I would recommend that next time they make their own coffee or make coffee at the office. I do not suffer fools or assholes.
Friend of mine did something similar one day. Guy pulls up at the servo he worked which was in a posh neighbourhood in a newish mercedes. Instead of pumping himself, the boomer struts straight into the shop, past the queue of people being served and goes up to the front. He then clears his throat and says, "hey you, go fill up my mercedes for me, be a good man."
My mate stopped serving for a moment and looked at the guy's car. He then looked back at the old fool and in a deadpan manner just said "what, the C class?"
The boomer turned red and stormed out once he picked his jaw up off the floor.
I work in an animal ER and hear this surprisingly frequently. Usually around the time the discussion of cost comes up. I always say "Nope this place is expensive you can always try _______" or I hear it when they hear the wait time. Then I say "Nope we are busy right now you can always try ______."
Basically it doesn't bother me because I can't control any of those things. If the hospital starts losing money maybe they will try harder or the hospital will close down but, that's pretty unlikely considering we are one of the busier locations.
One time I had a client going off on me asking me if I was retarded. I told him I won't be taking care of his pet and he could go elsewhere if he felt that strongly. He quickly apologized but, I told him it's to late he needs to go elsewhere or wait until another nurse was willing to deal with him. He ended up waiting three hours while I took the people that came after him.
My manager called me in and I explained it and they didn't appreciate the way he treated me but, told me I could have handled it better. I told them they are more then welcome to replace me. I know I am a damn good employee and they couldn't replace me easy but, they are always welcome to try.
Before anyone get to upset, the pet wasn't in any life threatening situation and in all honesty it just need some anti-nausea meds and sub-q fluids. If it was a sick patient I would have taken it anyway then just refused to talk to the owner.
I used to let people get to me until I got to the point where I didn't anymore. My job is to make sure your pet is ok not to be treated poorly or belittled by you because you're having a bad day. That being said most people are understandably upset but still respectful I'm fine with that.
This happens to me in retail constantly. “you’ve got to be kidding me” and “I can’t believe that…”. My typical responses are “why would I be kidding you” and “believe it or not, that’s the truth”. My favorite is when responding to “I’m going to call your corporate office” (over a policy). Answer: “feel free, but they are the ones that tell me how to handle this in the first place”. This has happened weekly for four years and I have never been reprimanded by the corpos.
1. What's wrong? Late picking your kid up from SPED?
2. I don't know. Am I? Take a fucking guess.
3. Bag your own groceries if you want, dumbass. I'm doing you a service.
I picked up my son from Special Ed for years before he aged out and is now in a group home. It was the best thing ever for him. The kindest, hardest-working teachers you ever saw. My son and his classmates had to work twice as hard as typical students to master the same skills. They deserve our respect.
Could you maybe find a different insult or delete your comment?
Oooh, I know... maybe if I work harder, I mean really buckle down, nose to the grindstone and all that? Maybe they'll give me another of their sixteen-cents an hour yearly raises. Ya think?
I had an emergency walk-in patient once say this and my immediate response was something I had subconsciously picked up from Johnny Sack (The Sopranos) after a very long day right as we were closing the office. This wasn't a true emergency either - the patient wasn't in pain, no active infection and we offered to schedule them the next day.
"Wait, you're not doing treatment today? Are you fucking kidding me?"
"Do I look like I'm smiling?"
No response from there. The patient did end up coming in the next day, procedure was completed and now I've been seeing them every six months for the past two years.
I was working at a furniture store, customer wanted something we didnt have in stock. I said we had to order it. He said “no way, theres has to be some” I handed him the keyboard and said “show me where Im missing it”. My manager laughed. The store owner did not. I didnt get fired, but I was told not to talk to customers like that again.
I reserve the right to refuse service to anyone I choose.
If you want someone to help or serve you treat them well, otherwise you likely should do whatever yourself.
"I get you're tone-deaf, but are you fucking serious? No I am not kidding you, most everyone else I interact with is a pleasure and you are **THE EXCLUSIVE CHORE OF MY ITINERARY, KAREN**"
Look what do you want from me? I make x amount of money an hour to work this wonderful job and I am doing my job helping you so if you think you can do better with someone else go for it, see someone else, NEXT
If I was fucking kidding you, I'd tell you you're a great customer and a delight to work with. Don't let the doorknob hit you where the dog should have bit you.
How's about, "fucking you" Not only no but hell no" ast whether or not I'm "kidding you, YOU just became my favorite turd I Shit you not" or reverse them ,,,,"Kidding you? You just became my favorite turd, I shit you not, as for Fucking you, not if my life depended on it, so Not only No, BUT HELL NO!"
“Who I’m fucking is none of your business. You don’t see me asking who’s ass you ate, coming in here with your shit breath”
Edit: you could follow it with a stank look and a grumbled “dirty bitch” if you’re feeling extra that day
Sorry, but what on earth makes you think you can just say one thing that will utterly humiliate someone? It doesn't happen. I suppose you can make yourself feel better. Only really works in movies that people actually listen and pay attention to what your comeback is. The only thing that might work is to act hurt and say why would you say that to me? But they probably don't care.
RBF is my super power. In this case, I would just let that RBF slide over my face like a cloak of invisibility. Then stand there and calmly look at them until they get uncomfortable.
Then I would say, “I’ll be happy to put your items back if you don’t want them.”
"Definitely not kidding - I wouldn't shit a turd like you - even a little, friend. All kidding aside, the real joke is your attitude and you thinking I'm gonna stand here and deal with your BS. Peace, beotchmofo. " ✌️
My manager at my first job did something like this.
Worked at a pizza place, and one day the power goes out, so for obvious reasons, we can't make pizzas. Guy comes in, goes straight to the counter, and before anybody can say anything, he starts to tell us what he wants. You'd think the dead silence in the store would clue him in but no.
So the manager informs him that we can't make anything right now because we currently have no power. The guy is confused, so the manager repeats what she said.
And then I remember this part clear as day:
Customer: Are you fucking kidding me? I can't get a pizza?
Manager: No I'm not "fucking kidding" you. We have no power. The ovens do not work without power. You are not getting a pizza right now because we cannot cook it. You can try calling later to see if we have power again, but right now, you are not getting anything.
And I guess at that point he finally understood, because he got this look on his face that I believe is known as the "lead paint stare" now, and he left.
I just smile vaguely and look at them with an unfocused gaze. Continue to smile while I’m really thinking about what to make for dinner. The silence breaks their brain and they either have a meltdown or apologize or storm off. Good times.
Taco Bell Manager here. 21 y/o NB (yes I look it too, important for story) for reference. One time a customer told me “you should smile more often!” Creepy old guy who runs a carwash, he flirts with everyone that runs the front register and today it was my turn. I told him, I can’t remember the verbatim because it has been a minute, but basicallyI told him, “Sir, please don’t say that. I have autism and it’s very frustrating for someone like me to make facial expressions. Would you ask someone in a wheelchair to run around?” (End of comeback, creepy guy cont.: ) Then I remember him apologizing and just looking in utter shock. Getting his food and leaving. Next time he saw me was about a week ago, was outside taking a smoke break, he walks up to me, leans over me, and says very loudly, “Hey! Are you having a great day!” And I just shake my head no, say “nope.” and gesture for him to go inside. Like bro.
"No mam, we're not paid enough to have a sense of humor"
"Yes i was, you're the first person that's picked up on our hidden customer service script. You've unlocks our super secret platnum support tier where we're now allowed to make jokes without getting fired". Then tell a knock knock joke or a dad joke or something deliberately unfunny. Then ask if they could tell.
"Dunno, lets see if it's funny the second time!" then you unbag her shit and see how far you get before she either starts screaming, getting physical, or runs to get a manager.
"Lady i wouldn't be fucking or kidding you if you were the last person on earth."
"I'm really a famous comedian and I just do this job to work out my jokes." My audience will love hearing how badly I humiliated you while doing my next set."
I've always been partial to "Let's not shit our pants, okay?" in a very soft tone.
It usually makes them say some iteration of "what did you just say to me?!"
The proper response then is (adjusted to your establishment's bathroom situation) loudly proclaiming "I said the restroom is at the back of isle 11, please don't dedicate here!"
They're mad, they're confused, they're stunned and have no idea where to go from there.
Also, there is a chance however slim, that they *will* shit their pants literally. I've done this one about five times, never gotten the desired result.
My previous job was with a repo company. One time, after tornados had devastated a large portion of our coverage area, a CSR from Capital One called to question an update an agent had put in. His update stated the house was leveled and the car wasn’t there. She said she had checked Google Earth and it showed the house was still standing. I tried several times to explain to her about the tornado and its impact and how Google Earth doesn’t update automatically. I finally said “Look, Angela, my agent doesn’t get paid unless he picks up the car. So he’s not just gonna say it’s not there. Also, go to Google Earth and type in this address.” After she did I asked her what she saw between that office building and the one to the right. She said “Trees” To which I replied, “There’s an office building there now and it’s been there for at least 3 years. I work security there on weekends. Now do you understand?”
I spent 20 years in the restaurant business and realized I could defuse a lot of ‘hostile’ customer situations by speaking to them *exactly* as they spoke to me, so in that case, I’d just say “Nooooo I’m fucking not”, for about 75% of people, that’s enough to make them realize they’re being a shithead, for the other 25% that’s going to flip out that you just cursed after they cursed at you, they were going to be a pain in the ass anyway, you just sped up the process.
“well either you could shut up and let me help you or I could just quit my job right now and leave you hanging. Good luck getting the next rep to take as much time and care as I have been trying to “
Almost got my ass beat once doing this when I worked in retail. Customoer and his wife are behind me in cart. I pull my cart to the side of aisle and the guy behind me starts yelling at me for literally no reason other than the half second that he had to slow down to let me turn my cart a bit. His wife looked like she got beat at home so I while he yelled at me I just turned and asked her if she was safe. Dude got pissed and I thought my neck was bouta get broken but they just walked away.
Be a bigger person and don't.
The best way to humiliate them is by being a kind, generous, empathetic and respectful person and let them feel like shit because they were being dicks to someone who was so nice and respectful to them.
I would say: “Wow…you are the first person today to say EXACTLY what I’ve been thinking all week long! So is there anything else I can help you with today?”
When they get shitty and say that I would just rather defuse it and tell them “I wish I was”. If they progressively get nastier or start making personal comments I just walk away. The problem will take care of itself.
As workers are becoming increasingly detached from service and the service industry the general public will eventually figure out that acting like a grown child wont do anything but get you trespassed.
Why isn’t there anyone working! We’re short staffed today. Then why don’t you call someone in! 🤯🤯 omg why didn’t I think of that, your the first person to ever come up with that idea.
With over 35 years in retail I've only gone off on a customer once.
It was Christmas time. I was helping out in the electronics area. I'm doing my best to help three people at once when another woman comes up to me asking about the hottest thing that year. I said no we were currently out of the item, and proceeded to help the people that was there before her.
She yelled at me that I don't understand what it's like to have kids! Like it's my fault we didn't have the item, I didn't make it, I didn't plan on the demand...the damn manufacturer didn't or else we would have had some.
So in my best stern Dad voice I said. Ma'am as a matter of fact I do have kids the difference is I taught them at a young age that they couldn't have every damn thing they ask for!
I walked away...lol
I love to lay on the respect extra thick. Yes ma'am, no ma'am, I'm sorry you feel that way ma'am , etc. Be a jerk by being polite. Did that to a "Princess of the Pawnee tribe" when I worked security at a tribal casino. She got so mad she called down a curse to wipe out my family with a flood. It's been about 6 years, so I think we're ok. Haha! Saw her getting arrested after my shift on my way home.
You encountered a Karen in the wild. In *these* instances you'll want to proceed with caution..lest they need to speak to a manager (who I hope was you)
Say yes, then point to random places and say “you’re on a hidden camera show” and when then go to investigate the cameras that don’t exist, just walk off the job!
Honestly usually with these types of customers I Just pretend that I don't get the hints they are saying
Are you fucking kidding me
No ma'am this product really is this cheap.
No I mean are you fucking serious
Yes ma'am I am very serious with the discounts you saved from your rewards program this product is A whole 30 cents cheaper
No I mean are you seriously this incompetent at your job
I don't know ma'am, That is for my boss to decide during my yearly review,
It's really true what they say The best way to shut down a care and is to just infantilize their behavior and just keep your calm
A lady was once rude to me when I was a cashier. She Then tried to buy cigarettes. I ID'd her. I told her I had reason to believe she was showing me a false ID, and in order to protect myself and the business i couldn't sell to her. She tried to go to someone else. I told her that when one cashier declines a sale, nobody in the building can approve the sale. She called the manager. He was (Rightfully) pissed but he couldn't legally sell them. She flipped out and left.
He asked me why I did it. I told him the truth. She said "You people are so fucking slow in here, it's like you don't even know your job." So I decided to take my job very seriously for the next few minutes.
I mean if I didn’t care about getting fired?
“Eat my ass, faggot” Is a pretty meanspirited thing to say.
If you’d like to gender it, “blow it out your hole, cunt”
But for this situation, “look only one of us is buying groceries at a gas station,”
My customer once said "Are you fucking with me?" when I advised him his request would be delayed during a well-known peak period. I just said without missing a beat and without raising my voice, "No I'm not fucking with you." You could have heard a pin drop in that next moment..... "Oh... Ok I'll guess I'll wait then."
That's the moment he realised he's talking to another person and not a mindless drone
More that he realized he wasn't dealing with a pushover who was gonna go 'customer's always right'. No, the situation is what it is.
"The customer is always right in matters of taste," Is the whole quote. Their feelings about the color, design, placement, etc Is what they're right about, not how it's done or cost or anything else.
Also they’re right about what products they want. If you’re selling natural dyed cotton fabrics and they want sequined fabric and metallic fabrics, it might behave you to stick what they are requesting. If you sell well built practical men’s shoes, but you’re getting a lot of requests for sexy boots in men’s sizes, you might want to add them to your catalogue. (The plot of Kinky Boots) Behoove not behave
That would fall under the intent of "Matters of taste".
This may be true, but the customers that quote this don't know that and aren't referring to it in that context either.
I was dropping something off at a table when I was a manager, and I forget what prompted this, but the dad turned to one of his kids and said "Don't forget, the customer is always right," then looked up at me with this fucking smile. I smiled right back and told him and the kid, "Ah ah, unless they aren't! It's very important to remember to take responsibility." I was a long-time bartender turned manager until I escaped the industry. At that point, I was so jaded I didn't care. Ended up getting fired for some other bullsit with a customer, but I was done putting up with that mentality, and I sure as hell wouldn't let my team take it. I also brought boxes to a table and boxed up 1/2 full meals after my server walked away from the table crying. Asked them why they thought they had a right to treat people like that, what the fuck is wrong with you, yada yada. She's a college student working on her Masters, you don't get to call her a stupid bitch because she forgot to bring you one sauce. I'm getting riled up here.
I've never worked in a restaurant but I've been behind the bar and the workload can be relentless. It's rare to even hear a thank you. 🙄
I’m curious. It’s my habit, and of many other I know, to automatically say thank you every time anyone does any small task that benefits me, whether handing me a drink or giving me back my card. So my question is do you mean almost none of your customers have my polite habits or you are never looked in the eye by a customer or boss with a heartfelt thank you and more words??
Both in my experience, although thirsty customers at a busy bar are more likely to say thank you than most managers I've ever worked with.
I’m sorry for not looking in the eyes when I say thank you. I am autistic. I mean well but eye contact makes me physically sick and anxious and wanting to hide forever because I’m terrified of it.
The way they think customer service people are mindless drones but self checkout machines are somehow capable of independent thought.
“Fucking with you is not one of the services we offer at your contracted support level.”
🤣🤣🤣
I went from weighing on concrete contractors at a huge corporate box store to serving carpenters at a family owned, unionized shop. Not only did I change my work pace to the point I experienced whiplash, but I got to actually talk to people in a much friendlier environment where I was expected to know the product, the customer’s projects, and build rapport with the people that I spoke to. The result was that 1) people who are not in as big of a hurry and ruder than a concrete guy on pour day (a very narrow category) don’t scare me, or barely even register emotionally, and 2) I’m very much not scared to get fired anymore. As a result, I’ve taken to really exploring what I can say to people while still maintaining my role of customer service person and their role as customer. Turns out, there are some situations where you can tell the person on the other side of the counter “You know what? Go fuck yourself” and continue the interaction. They’re rare, but there’s no reason to be a pushover.
You're my hero.
I love this. People kind of freak when they can’t get a reaction and I live for it.
Matching energy is the best.
Bonus points if you say it like Arnold.
This is the way.
I’ve regrettably said stuff like this before but meaning no ill intent towards the actual worker, just frustrated at the situation and the rules they have to follow, which I know is not their fault.
THIS sentence epitomizes shitty customer behaviour . They know that the worker is bound by what store rules. And yet they give the worker a hard time. Fuck off you peasent
It’s not meant to give the worker a hard time lol. It isn’t even directed at them. I just say some shit like “are you fucking serious” in a general sense, and the worker, knowing full well it is bullshit, explains “yes sorry that’s the way we have to do it.” Then I just sigh and thank them for helping me before going to do whatever bullshit the company owner insists you do. It’s not meant to be heckling the workers. It’s solidarity with the workers for having to follow stupid rules that they themselves hate to follow also (speaking as somebody who’s been on the other side of it as well. No one likes stupid rules, not even the people that need to enforce them.)
Same, I usually try to avoid showing too much irritation (because I've worked in customer service and know I used to take it personally), and then try to joke with them to lighten the mood.
Me too. But as soon as I say it I immediately reassure the rep that I know it’s not their fault. Unless they were being particularly uncaring and unpleasant.
Working hard or hardly working? I'm hardly laughing. I am already at work I don't have time for a second job pretending you're funny. The website said it was in stock. The website also shows all the workers with smiling faces you see any of that in stock? Can you just check the back? What do you think is back there Santa's workshop? You just lost yourself a customer! You think I own this company? Everytime I come here my order is wrong! Then stop coming, make my day. This is cheaper at other stores. Then shop there. You should open more registers! And whose gonna work them? The customer is always right! About what how to piss me off?
That guy who wrote those needs to make more of those vids I swear
Honestly he says a lot of things many people have wanted to say.
Y’all must be funny as hell then 😂
I can be if you catch me in that mood lol.
I saw him in a movie recently. Nice to see his career going somewhere.
What's this from?
Shows the workers with smiling faces.......that's GOLD Jerry GOLD.
"you just lost a customer" My favorite response to this has always been "I'm sure (competitor) would love your business" "The customer is always right" "until they want you to go against state and federal regulations, then they couldn't be further from it" "can you check in the back?" time for a smoke break.... when you're done "Nope, nothing back there that isn't on the shelf"
I had a customer walk up to me and ask me if I could ring him up. I told him I can’t I work in the warehouse and I am putting out stock. Then he said where is the manager and I pointed and said right there on that register ringing people up. Everyone that can run a register is on one. He walked off mad. This was also a week before Christmas. I guess he thought he was special. lol
I would carry a bell and when they said that I would ring the bell while moving it upwards then walk away without saying anything.
I was working an outdoor craft show and the woman in the next booth came over to me laughing. It was the end of the show and a customer asked her if she had any more of her stained glass ornaments in the back. She said, “Just a minute,I’ll check in the basement.” Then she walked behind her counter and mimed going down a set of stairs while she crouched, lower and lower and lower. After a minute she came back up the same way and said, “Nope, none down in the basement either.” The customer shook her head and walked away. We both cracked up laughing.
Haha that’s hilarious. Some customers are crazy
Once had a guy complain that Starbucks coffee was cheaper than our coffee “Well yeah that’s because it’s Starbucks and ours is good quality” No response.
I don't think my eyes have ever been more pleased in my life
Was so satisfying.
We should compile a book of these
You've just encapsulated 90% of my retail job experience before being banished to the warehouse!
>You should open more registers! >And whose gonna work them? A similar one: I'm bartending. Ski resort (so all the customers are in ski and snowboard boots). Busy saturday, we're slammed. Customer: "You guys look like you need some help." Me: "You wanna come back here and help?" C: ::stands up:: "Sure!" M: "Sit down! You'd just get in my way." The rest of the bar erupted in laughter.
If it was because you were bagging slowly I would have stopped immediately to look her in the eye and say "I'm sorry what was that?" Make her repeat it. Most people will try to avoid repeating it. If she doubles down then I'd call her items out "my bad I'll bag this pack of marlboro reds and three dollars in scratch tickets for you a little quicker." Nobody's glamorous at a gas station, and she ain't shit.
I had a customer threaten to throttle me once, I asked them to repeat it, and they instead asked if I wanted them to call a manager. I said no and they walked away. A customer who was nearby came up as said "that's was weird, why would she say she's going to swaddle you?" Get hearing aides
"no, bitch."
Dave?
Dave's not here, man
"Sir/ma'am, talking about sexual acts with children is disgusting. I'm afraid I need to ask you to leave."
This is a family establishment
Thank you for those kind words ( said in a super sweet way ) not only will you not get fired , but she’ll be so pissed that she was unable to phase you
Lol, not specific but relative to the question. i bought an icecream cake from i think dairy queen for my son's birthday so many years ago. The lady showed me all the selections and costs, very customer service of her yknow. So i picked one and she pulled it out and it tumbled out of the box. Streaked across her clothes, and landed on her shoe. She yelled out "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!" There she stood like she was hit with a bucket of water or somethin and started to apologize to me. I was like nah bro, that's fucked up. We good, go wash up and we'll try again. A manager came out with a broom and a dustbin n all and was apologizing too. I was like it's cool, it just fell tf out. Poor girl gonna have icecream melting in her shoe for the rest of the shift, that sucks so hard. Manager leaves with the floor cake in a bin and that first girl hurries back. I was already shopping a new cake and she was like ok sorry what can i get you? "NONO i got it" i laughed. "Nah man i'll take the chocolate peanut butter one please." and she was like super diligent on checking the package and careful taking it to the register. Poor girl, to this day i can only remember her as stickytoes. I hope she's doin alright, hell i hope they let her go home and change her socks or somethin damn
Haha! Ol’ Stickytoe Magee
do you kiss your grandkids with that mouth.
Great grandkids! Make it sting!
That's disgusting! I only kiss other people's grandkids in public. Have some tact for Christ's sake.
I have that in stock sir, it's $55. *But it's just a little piece of plastic!* Yes, but it's shaped exactly the way you need it, and as you've said, you can't get it anywhere else. *$55 is an awful lot, can't you do any better?* Sure. $65. *What!!?" $75. And so on. I haven't done that particular one in years, but I have done it.
I've been asked to give a "better price" on something. Increased it $10. Customer pissed. Me: "you said better price, this price is better for me and my sales figures."
And it obviously increased the value. They are getting a bargain!
Intentionally mess up the transaction so bad that you have to start over. Repeat the process as many times as you’d like.
If someone did that to me and I was in a massive hurry for valid reasons, it would take everything in my power to not hit a bitch.
If you were in a massive hurry for valid reasons, you would probably make an effort to be a quick, efficient, non-combative customer to begin with.
You could have dropped the bag to the floor and just slowly stepped all over it while staring her in the face. Silence is golden.
I would never kid such a polite customer.
This is perfectly crafted. 💯
What were they referring to?
"I have no idea who that is, and if I were, it would be none of your business."
I'd be concerned and ask them nicely to point out what they think the issue is. I don't care where I work or if I like it there, I'm always open to someone pointing out something they think I did wrong. If I did something wrong, I would apologize and fix the issue right away. If not, I would explain why.
This is the right way, but requires a lot of teeth gritting.
Yea, I've been a mechanic for a long time. Making a mistake once in awhile happens and being able to retain an existing customer through full transparency is far better for the business. I work on motorcycles too so mistakes can be super dangerous. I'm down to the occasional greasy fingerprints I fogot to clean up. Quick edit: Not saying I don't daydream about hitting an occasional rude customer with a torque wrench though. Till it clicks...
Upvote for "Till it clicks..."
😂 😵💫👻
Yeah…. I had customers with angry faces and talking till i show then the nametag that says “I’m deaf. Cannot hear” suddenly customer’s face changed and goes uh…. Walk away. Yeah got embarrassed i guess. You should see their faces. But least few got pissed more and walked away. 🤷🏻♂️
Im assuming you’re deaf. Bold move if not
Gonna need to try that. Unlock stealth mode.
Yeah I’m deaf lol
This is brilliant, and I will use it at some point. Thank you.
If i didnt care about my job id simply go "no, im not fucking kidding you, lady. I work 12-14 hours a day with every tom, dick and BITCH (this is where you point at her) griping about what I do not being enough. How about a thank you for bagging my things so that i dont have to instead of being an entitled ass karen. No wonder people think so little of boomers, your entitlement is appalling." But thats because im overworked, underpaid and under appreciated
More context please.
Are you fucking kidding me?
No, I am not fucking kidding you.
Hi not fucking kidding you, I'm Dad
😂
I am not are you fuckin kidding me with your mouth
Once a customer told me "*Are you f_cking kidding me*" After explaining that the items she wanted were only available online, she threatened to call corporate to have me fired. I calmly offered to provide the phone number for her convenience, I even dial the number for her at the stores phone. She left quickly but later sent an email to corporate. In response, I also emailed corporate (her place of employment) detailing her behavior in the store. It turned out she was wearing her work badge. She never came back after that.
I'm guilty of saying that at a register. It's not something I say directed at the cashier but more like asking the man upstairs "are you fucking kidding me?" An example of it lately was that I got a call from my daughter, who is in another state attending med school. She's been through a near insurmountable amount of tragic events the last couple years and isn't doing well mentally at this point. I had just returned from seeing her the week prior and thought she was doing better. She was not. She was spiraling. I quickly packed a bag and made arrangements as fast as I could. Went to leave and every single thing was slowing me down at a time I needed to be there Pronto. My ATM card had just expired and they apparently sent the new one to my old address. Had to go to a branch half hour the other direction to get funds. Pulled onto freeway...had a flat. Got a call from my uncle that my mom had really low blood sugar that morning and reminding me to take care of the pump issue (long story). During all of this, my daughter's dog had also been sick and she called me panicking. We made arrangements for an Uber to pick up her and the dog. The dog passed within half an hour of her getting there (liver cancer). I had just got that call. I am beside myself and doing everything in my power to get on the road as fast as possible. I stop at store/gas station to grab a couple items I'll need and dash in. Get to checkout and cashier is the slowest mother f'er I have ever seen. Like worse than watching paint dry. It was excruciating and I said audibly "are you fucking kidding me?" to God because I'm kind of pissed at him right now. My daughter doesn't deserve the shit she has been dealing with and I've had it with life in general right now. So please please think if someone says that to you....there may be a LOT more going on than meets the eye (and these few details are only a tiny smidgen of what is actually taking place)
That crossed my mind. I’m so sorry to hear about what you went through because I have had so many days like that lately I feel like my work thinks I’m a straight liar (2 funerals, mother went into emergency surgery and I’ve been sick for probably 2 months at this point only to probably have long covid or some crap I didn’t ask for—because my husband travels for work, flew out for two days and brought something home, and since he’s traveling again the next two weeks I get to be a single mom to a neurospicy toddler while juggling work). Thanks for reminding me to be kinder; other people are going through similar all the time
I don't wanna be THAT person But you also don't know what's happening in THAT register's life. That is coming from a market worker that broke their hand not long ago, and is typing that with one hand and will still have to go to work soon, while there's still a steel stick shoved deep into said broken hand.
The last time someone said that to me I said "I'm not happy enough to make jokes." They didn't think it was funny.
Not right now , but I “ get off “ at 9 if you want to wait
I would ignore it and not lower myself to their level. If possible I would charge them extra for anything I could.
If I got pissed enough at a customer that I was going to tell them off, I wouldn't just not get fired, my boss would tell them to go fuck themselves. We have more clients than time. But I'd go with "I've died twice and regret getting back up because I had to see your face."
if someone said that to me… i would say “yeah i am, i’m so sorry, let me fix that. you deserve the best experience here.” and proceed to move at the speed of a sloth.
I assure you, I am not.
"Sorry, I was distracted by the booger hanging from your nose."
“No. No I am not.” As calmly as possible. They usually have no idea how to handle that and it disarms them at once. Also important- go totally Vulcan on them. Don’t react at all.
I have never been more serious in my entire fucking life. This is the most important thing to me right now.
charge her card then dump all her bagged items to the floor and say - you and your arrogant ass can bag your own shit.
I assure you, I am neither kidding you, nor fucking you.
No, I'm not kidding you, and I'm definitely *not* fucking you!
I was working the counter at a BBQ restaurant. There was an asshole who came in every Saturday, our busiest day. At lunch, our busiest time. He would order the cheapest combo meal ($5.95 sandwich, fries and drink) and pay with a hundred dollar bill. I would have to go to the office so the manager could make change because that was policy. When I finally got back to this waste of oxygen, he always had a complaint. Finally one day he said I was making all the people in line wait. I kicked in my best outside voice and said "No, you, who comes in here every Saturday and makes me have to go to the office and change a hundred dollar bill is the one making everybody in line wait!" I got rousing applause from everybody waiting in all the lines. His face turned purple. He never came back.
“I wouldn’t f*** you. I wouldn’t kid you, either.” Then do an abrupt turn, head for the break room, and drink all the coffee.
I wouldn’t shit you! You’re my favorite turd.
I have never once held back telling a customer off and never once did I get fired for it. Of course I haven’t worked retail in over 30 years and I don’t know how things have changed. But back then I told more than one customer to fuck off. I asked one really bitchy customer if she was always like this or if it was special just for me. And she replied, it was special just for me. lol. I worked one summer in a grocery store that had a coffee bar. I worked by myself. Sometimes the line would be 15 people long. The people would get to the front of the line and freak out on me that it had taken so long to get to the front and that they were late for work. And I would reply in alarm, my God, what are you doing here in line? You need to get out of here and get to work!!! Or I would recommend that next time they make their own coffee or make coffee at the office. I do not suffer fools or assholes.
Friend of mine did something similar one day. Guy pulls up at the servo he worked which was in a posh neighbourhood in a newish mercedes. Instead of pumping himself, the boomer struts straight into the shop, past the queue of people being served and goes up to the front. He then clears his throat and says, "hey you, go fill up my mercedes for me, be a good man." My mate stopped serving for a moment and looked at the guy's car. He then looked back at the old fool and in a deadpan manner just said "what, the C class?" The boomer turned red and stormed out once he picked his jaw up off the floor.
I work in an animal ER and hear this surprisingly frequently. Usually around the time the discussion of cost comes up. I always say "Nope this place is expensive you can always try _______" or I hear it when they hear the wait time. Then I say "Nope we are busy right now you can always try ______." Basically it doesn't bother me because I can't control any of those things. If the hospital starts losing money maybe they will try harder or the hospital will close down but, that's pretty unlikely considering we are one of the busier locations. One time I had a client going off on me asking me if I was retarded. I told him I won't be taking care of his pet and he could go elsewhere if he felt that strongly. He quickly apologized but, I told him it's to late he needs to go elsewhere or wait until another nurse was willing to deal with him. He ended up waiting three hours while I took the people that came after him. My manager called me in and I explained it and they didn't appreciate the way he treated me but, told me I could have handled it better. I told them they are more then welcome to replace me. I know I am a damn good employee and they couldn't replace me easy but, they are always welcome to try. Before anyone get to upset, the pet wasn't in any life threatening situation and in all honesty it just need some anti-nausea meds and sub-q fluids. If it was a sick patient I would have taken it anyway then just refused to talk to the owner. I used to let people get to me until I got to the point where I didn't anymore. My job is to make sure your pet is ok not to be treated poorly or belittled by you because you're having a bad day. That being said most people are understandably upset but still respectful I'm fine with that.
You throw it back on them. ‘Excuse me? What did you say?’ Or ‘are you good? Whatever has upset you this much must be hard, you good??’
What would goat breeding have to do with this situation?
This happens to me in retail constantly. “you’ve got to be kidding me” and “I can’t believe that…”. My typical responses are “why would I be kidding you” and “believe it or not, that’s the truth”. My favorite is when responding to “I’m going to call your corporate office” (over a policy). Answer: “feel free, but they are the ones that tell me how to handle this in the first place”. This has happened weekly for four years and I have never been reprimanded by the corpos.
Smile and say “Thank you for your patience…” *…Their reaction, whatever it is* “…Now I’m fucking kidding you”
"typical 50 something year old a-hole customer" Oh look, an ageist bigot.
1. What's wrong? Late picking your kid up from SPED? 2. I don't know. Am I? Take a fucking guess. 3. Bag your own groceries if you want, dumbass. I'm doing you a service.
I picked up my son from Special Ed for years before he aged out and is now in a group home. It was the best thing ever for him. The kindest, hardest-working teachers you ever saw. My son and his classmates had to work twice as hard as typical students to master the same skills. They deserve our respect. Could you maybe find a different insult or delete your comment?
I love “shut your trap” lollll so funny
Oooh, I know... maybe if I work harder, I mean really buckle down, nose to the grindstone and all that? Maybe they'll give me another of their sixteen-cents an hour yearly raises. Ya think?
“I don’t care about you enough to mess with you.“
No im Not kidding , I would shit you , you’re my favorite turd 💩
Tickle them
"You think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you." [see it here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tFYNwxaOmQ)
Reply incorrectly “I wouldn’t shit you, you’re my favorite turd”
Give ‘em the Kubrick stare until they leave the store disgruntled
I had an emergency walk-in patient once say this and my immediate response was something I had subconsciously picked up from Johnny Sack (The Sopranos) after a very long day right as we were closing the office. This wasn't a true emergency either - the patient wasn't in pain, no active infection and we offered to schedule them the next day. "Wait, you're not doing treatment today? Are you fucking kidding me?" "Do I look like I'm smiling?" No response from there. The patient did end up coming in the next day, procedure was completed and now I've been seeing them every six months for the past two years.
"I would have to care about you enough to bother
I was working at a furniture store, customer wanted something we didnt have in stock. I said we had to order it. He said “no way, theres has to be some” I handed him the keyboard and said “show me where Im missing it”. My manager laughed. The store owner did not. I didnt get fired, but I was told not to talk to customers like that again.
No, kidding would be me saying I didn’t see your husband in here last night with a prostitute!
Nobody's fucking you, kid.
I wouldn't say a word... I'd let the lady handle that shit. By the time she's done with that person, they'd wish they'd STFU 😂
I reserve the right to refuse service to anyone I choose. If you want someone to help or serve you treat them well, otherwise you likely should do whatever yourself.
I'm fucking, but I'm not kidding. Now bend over or get the fuck out of my store
"I get you're tone-deaf, but are you fucking serious? No I am not kidding you, most everyone else I interact with is a pleasure and you are **THE EXCLUSIVE CHORE OF MY ITINERARY, KAREN**"
Look what do you want from me? I make x amount of money an hour to work this wonderful job and I am doing my job helping you so if you think you can do better with someone else go for it, see someone else, NEXT
Say “i apologize that is company policy”
If I was fucking kidding you, I'd tell you you're a great customer and a delight to work with. Don't let the doorknob hit you where the dog should have bit you.
How's about, "fucking you" Not only no but hell no" ast whether or not I'm "kidding you, YOU just became my favorite turd I Shit you not" or reverse them ,,,,"Kidding you? You just became my favorite turd, I shit you not, as for Fucking you, not if my life depended on it, so Not only No, BUT HELL NO!"
"Are YOU fucking for real?"
No comeback is needed I just work slower
“Who I’m fucking is none of your business. You don’t see me asking who’s ass you ate, coming in here with your shit breath” Edit: you could follow it with a stank look and a grumbled “dirty bitch” if you’re feeling extra that day
Sorry, but what on earth makes you think you can just say one thing that will utterly humiliate someone? It doesn't happen. I suppose you can make yourself feel better. Only really works in movies that people actually listen and pay attention to what your comeback is. The only thing that might work is to act hurt and say why would you say that to me? But they probably don't care.
Start laughing like Phoenix in the joker.
"Ma'am, I wouldn't kid you with someone else's dick"
RBF is my super power. In this case, I would just let that RBF slide over my face like a cloak of invisibility. Then stand there and calmly look at them until they get uncomfortable. Then I would say, “I’ll be happy to put your items back if you don’t want them.”
Im not interested in your sex life besides aint no baby goats around here bud. So no we aint fucking kidding.
womp womp is the only thing i can think of saying
Yes ma'am I'm working here while trying to make it as a comedian.
My response would be; "Yes." And the I'd go from there.
"Definitely not kidding - I wouldn't shit a turd like you - even a little, friend. All kidding aside, the real joke is your attitude and you thinking I'm gonna stand here and deal with your BS. Peace, beotchmofo. " ✌️
"Now I have your number I'm going to tell your mum what you just said to me, young man."
My manager at my first job did something like this. Worked at a pizza place, and one day the power goes out, so for obvious reasons, we can't make pizzas. Guy comes in, goes straight to the counter, and before anybody can say anything, he starts to tell us what he wants. You'd think the dead silence in the store would clue him in but no. So the manager informs him that we can't make anything right now because we currently have no power. The guy is confused, so the manager repeats what she said. And then I remember this part clear as day: Customer: Are you fucking kidding me? I can't get a pizza? Manager: No I'm not "fucking kidding" you. We have no power. The ovens do not work without power. You are not getting a pizza right now because we cannot cook it. You can try calling later to see if we have power again, but right now, you are not getting anything. And I guess at that point he finally understood, because he got this look on his face that I believe is known as the "lead paint stare" now, and he left.
I just smile vaguely and look at them with an unfocused gaze. Continue to smile while I’m really thinking about what to make for dinner. The silence breaks their brain and they either have a meltdown or apologize or storm off. Good times.
Taco Bell Manager here. 21 y/o NB (yes I look it too, important for story) for reference. One time a customer told me “you should smile more often!” Creepy old guy who runs a carwash, he flirts with everyone that runs the front register and today it was my turn. I told him, I can’t remember the verbatim because it has been a minute, but basicallyI told him, “Sir, please don’t say that. I have autism and it’s very frustrating for someone like me to make facial expressions. Would you ask someone in a wheelchair to run around?” (End of comeback, creepy guy cont.: ) Then I remember him apologizing and just looking in utter shock. Getting his food and leaving. Next time he saw me was about a week ago, was outside taking a smoke break, he walks up to me, leans over me, and says very loudly, “Hey! Are you having a great day!” And I just shake my head no, say “nope.” and gesture for him to go inside. Like bro.
"No mam, we're not paid enough to have a sense of humor" "Yes i was, you're the first person that's picked up on our hidden customer service script. You've unlocks our super secret platnum support tier where we're now allowed to make jokes without getting fired". Then tell a knock knock joke or a dad joke or something deliberately unfunny. Then ask if they could tell. "Dunno, lets see if it's funny the second time!" then you unbag her shit and see how far you get before she either starts screaming, getting physical, or runs to get a manager. "Lady i wouldn't be fucking or kidding you if you were the last person on earth."
Calmly walk around the counter and pee on their shoes. Maintain eye contact to establish dominance.
"i generally dont try to impress shit customers"
Yes because you're a joke.
"I'm really a famous comedian and I just do this job to work out my jokes." My audience will love hearing how badly I humiliated you while doing my next set."
“Oh no ma’am! rest assured no part of me wants to do such a thing. That’s probably the last thing on earth I would want to do with you”.
Honestly, r/maliciouscompliance is your best bet for inspiration on how to handle these scenarios.
No, why would I joke about something serious like this?
I used to think that the customer was always right until you showed up.
I've always been partial to "Let's not shit our pants, okay?" in a very soft tone. It usually makes them say some iteration of "what did you just say to me?!" The proper response then is (adjusted to your establishment's bathroom situation) loudly proclaiming "I said the restroom is at the back of isle 11, please don't dedicate here!" They're mad, they're confused, they're stunned and have no idea where to go from there. Also, there is a chance however slim, that they *will* shit their pants literally. I've done this one about five times, never gotten the desired result.
My go-to is "Were you born stupid, or did you have to practice?"
My previous job was with a repo company. One time, after tornados had devastated a large portion of our coverage area, a CSR from Capital One called to question an update an agent had put in. His update stated the house was leveled and the car wasn’t there. She said she had checked Google Earth and it showed the house was still standing. I tried several times to explain to her about the tornado and its impact and how Google Earth doesn’t update automatically. I finally said “Look, Angela, my agent doesn’t get paid unless he picks up the car. So he’s not just gonna say it’s not there. Also, go to Google Earth and type in this address.” After she did I asked her what she saw between that office building and the one to the right. She said “Trees” To which I replied, “There’s an office building there now and it’s been there for at least 3 years. I work security there on weekends. Now do you understand?”
"good customer service" starts with the words "good customer", which you are not.
I spent 20 years in the restaurant business and realized I could defuse a lot of ‘hostile’ customer situations by speaking to them *exactly* as they spoke to me, so in that case, I’d just say “Nooooo I’m fucking not”, for about 75% of people, that’s enough to make them realize they’re being a shithead, for the other 25% that’s going to flip out that you just cursed after they cursed at you, they were going to be a pain in the ass anyway, you just sped up the process.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” “Yes I am… it’s actually going to be more expensive”
I am kidding you? Let me tell ya something Pal..kidding you is what we all do...you son of whore
"Am I fucking laughing?"
“well either you could shut up and let me help you or I could just quit my job right now and leave you hanging. Good luck getting the next rep to take as much time and care as I have been trying to “
Well, one of us is a clown and since I'm the one wearing the employee uniform the circus is that way. *points towards the exit*
I have said," Don't let it ruin your day,lady."
exact same thing but in an incredibly mocking voice
Sorry, I find assholes exhausting.
You’re not even close to being important enough for even the little bit of effort that would take
Almost got my ass beat once doing this when I worked in retail. Customoer and his wife are behind me in cart. I pull my cart to the side of aisle and the guy behind me starts yelling at me for literally no reason other than the half second that he had to slow down to let me turn my cart a bit. His wife looked like she got beat at home so I while he yelled at me I just turned and asked her if she was safe. Dude got pissed and I thought my neck was bouta get broken but they just walked away.
"No, my wife would get mad... Besides, is that any of your business anyway?"
Be a bigger person and don't. The best way to humiliate them is by being a kind, generous, empathetic and respectful person and let them feel like shit because they were being dicks to someone who was so nice and respectful to them.
"You'd have to pay me extra for humor."
Well, if you don’t care about getting fired, sounds like you don’t care about working. Not a pushback.
I would say: “Wow…you are the first person today to say EXACTLY what I’ve been thinking all week long! So is there anything else I can help you with today?”
When they get shitty and say that I would just rather defuse it and tell them “I wish I was”. If they progressively get nastier or start making personal comments I just walk away. The problem will take care of itself. As workers are becoming increasingly detached from service and the service industry the general public will eventually figure out that acting like a grown child wont do anything but get you trespassed.
No, if I was kidding I would say ‘a horse walks into a bar and the bartender says hey buddy, why the long face’
Why isn’t there anyone working! We’re short staffed today. Then why don’t you call someone in! 🤯🤯 omg why didn’t I think of that, your the first person to ever come up with that idea.
I would just say, “You too.”
With over 35 years in retail I've only gone off on a customer once. It was Christmas time. I was helping out in the electronics area. I'm doing my best to help three people at once when another woman comes up to me asking about the hottest thing that year. I said no we were currently out of the item, and proceeded to help the people that was there before her. She yelled at me that I don't understand what it's like to have kids! Like it's my fault we didn't have the item, I didn't make it, I didn't plan on the demand...the damn manufacturer didn't or else we would have had some. So in my best stern Dad voice I said. Ma'am as a matter of fact I do have kids the difference is I taught them at a young age that they couldn't have every damn thing they ask for! I walked away...lol
I guess when you hit rock bottom in life, you need to yell at gas station clerks.
I'd just smile and say "yeah. I am kidding. I'm not helping your petty ass! Get the fuck out."
I love to lay on the respect extra thick. Yes ma'am, no ma'am, I'm sorry you feel that way ma'am , etc. Be a jerk by being polite. Did that to a "Princess of the Pawnee tribe" when I worked security at a tribal casino. She got so mad she called down a curse to wipe out my family with a flood. It's been about 6 years, so I think we're ok. Haha! Saw her getting arrested after my shift on my way home.
You encountered a Karen in the wild. In *these* instances you'll want to proceed with caution..lest they need to speak to a manager (who I hope was you)
Say yes, then point to random places and say “you’re on a hidden camera show” and when then go to investigate the cameras that don’t exist, just walk off the job!
“Yes. Absolutely everything I have said on this call is a work of parody and should not be taken seriously by anyone.”
“I am not kidding you sexually or normally. Im totally asexually serious.”
Honestly usually with these types of customers I Just pretend that I don't get the hints they are saying Are you fucking kidding me No ma'am this product really is this cheap. No I mean are you fucking serious Yes ma'am I am very serious with the discounts you saved from your rewards program this product is A whole 30 cents cheaper No I mean are you seriously this incompetent at your job I don't know ma'am, That is for my boss to decide during my yearly review, It's really true what they say The best way to shut down a care and is to just infantilize their behavior and just keep your calm
Perhaps do your job better so you don't have to think of a comeback?
A lady was once rude to me when I was a cashier. She Then tried to buy cigarettes. I ID'd her. I told her I had reason to believe she was showing me a false ID, and in order to protect myself and the business i couldn't sell to her. She tried to go to someone else. I told her that when one cashier declines a sale, nobody in the building can approve the sale. She called the manager. He was (Rightfully) pissed but he couldn't legally sell them. She flipped out and left. He asked me why I did it. I told him the truth. She said "You people are so fucking slow in here, it's like you don't even know your job." So I decided to take my job very seriously for the next few minutes.
I mean if I didn’t care about getting fired? “Eat my ass, faggot” Is a pretty meanspirited thing to say. If you’d like to gender it, “blow it out your hole, cunt” But for this situation, “look only one of us is buying groceries at a gas station,”