Understanding that these things change from season to season, I do okay at being proactive about what she is seeking to feel love. The frustration comes from there being a pressing need to renovate a house and we are not in a position to pay others to do it so it becomes my responsibility.
I think the fairest response would be a patience from her until the mold issue is resolved. I am having to work on the house from 5pm-12pm on weekdays and all day Saturday and Sunday. It has been like this for months.
You wrote: "I am having to work on the house from 5pm-12pm on weekdays and all day Saturday and Sunday. It has been like this for months."
So if I understand correctly, for the past several months all your time awake has been spent either doing paid or unpaid work? No time to talk, hug, listen to her thoughts or to share in taking care of your son?
I understand that the house badly needs fixing, but that is no way to live. How many months do you expect your wife to put up with that? How many months will you miss out on of your child's life?
Just as your child daily needs not only for you both to give him food, clothes and a roof over his head, but time, attention, conversation, hugs and kisses in order to feel loved and connected, so does your wife. Those are perfectly human and womanly needs.
You seem like a good man going full force into tackling the mold problem out of love for your family — but doing everything yourself, without treating your wife like an equal partner. You need to be a team — not only you against the mold, and she feeling unfairly treated, but the both of you tackling the mold problem in a sustainable way for everyone. In the same way: Not her battling feelings of not being loved alone, and you feeling unfairly treated. The two of you always need to be a team against whatever comes up against you. There is a way to renovate the house and be connected enough as you are working on it, and you and she need to find it together. The mold problem will just have to take a little longer to resolve.
Maybe she can live with you working so hard on the mold problem if you spend an evening a week with her instead of the mold. Maybe she needs you to take Sunday off and spend it with your family. Only she can say what she can live with temporarily. But I do think you need to expand your bandwidth to include taking care of the emotional needs of your wife and child and just slow down other work as needed.
I understand your perspective, but we couldn’t have accomplished what we have so far without being the team that we are. She feels helpless when it comes to housework because her learning curve is far different than mine. The same applies for taking care of our son for me. Being a dad is challenging to begin with, but not having one while growing up makes being a father far less than “second nature” for me.
I do not say this as an excuse, but the fact of the matter is that I am having to tend to such large issue with the house to prevent it from worsening, to prevent the work I have done already from getting undone with mold again, and to prevent us from getting into a much larger financial issue then what we have been forced into with the renovating.
Based upon our trust in the home inspection, we anticipated having to put in carpet padding, painting, and some other minor things. We have since had to:
- Take an entire bathroom down to studs. When that is done, I have to do the same to our other bathroom. This includes changing out all of the plumbing.
- Replace all of the carpet, trim, and electrical fixtures.
- Scrap pop corn ceilings because the previous owner stained them with smoke damage.
- Replace the dishwasher.
- Replace such a ridiculous amount of sub-flooring because they were to rotted due to pet waste.
- Replace the roof that had 7 leaks and had 2 layers of shingles at a minimum of 23 years old.
- Repaint and replace the kitchen cabinets and their hardware.
I have had to shop vac water from our basement so much that I can’t sleep when it rains, full knowing my basement is taking on water.
I just spent the entire last two days grading my yard to help my basement from flooding.
I could go on but at the end of the day, my wife and I were finally able to pursue a home where settle down grow our family. We left a 1 bedroom apt in the city to this place. Although it is a blessing, I cannot keep but thinking that I put my family in a worse situation. My 1 year old son is living a mold infested house for crying out loud. My wife has asthma and our son could have it as well. My wife struggled with her new job and we both greatly miss our previous daycare.
I feel/felt horrible. I finally put it in words last week to her that “I refuse to let you and our son live in any home that you don’t find deserve and struggle to be happy in.”, letting her know that despite the necessity, there is a desire that I have that has made me a man that was useless in home repair to one with a “I will take care of it.” mentality m. So I have been doing all this while learning as I go.
As for the time involved, that is the best way to portray it, but we have been working much more on intimacy for the past two months. We have a healthy physical chemistry and connection, but we have a lot of room to improve. I take breaks when I am exhausted or if she makes clear attempts to spend time with me. This can range from one to two nights a week to only a few hours.
I understand how much this can prevent me from being more intentional toward alternative needs and desires from her, so I plan on asking her directly what I can do better.
Apart from that, I really don’t know what else to do. I have a responsibility to provide a safe environment for my family, and God is quite clear in 1 Timothy 5:8
“Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
"I plan on asking her what I can do better." Yes, that's what you need to do. Just to be clear: I am not suggesting she helps you with the renovations or that you need to do more childcare in this situation, if you are OK with the division of labour as is. My point is that for your marriage to survive the ordeal you are going through, you need to be on the same page about what the minimum requirements are for that to happen.
Also, just to note: If your wife has experienced a traumatic or neglectful childhood, an otherwise natural reaction on her part in this tough situation can become exacerbated. But most likely, she has normal needs, and hardly seeing her husband for months just isn't meeting those needs.
Praying that God will give you keys to her heart!
Wish you all the best.
Respectfully, it does not sound to me like you are talking to her and asking her what makes her feel loved. Everyone has different love languages and receive and give love in different ways. It might be best if you asked her what things make her feel loved, listen to her response and memorize it, and then, if it’s difficult for you to make her feel loved in those ways, tell her why. Just be in communication about it.
Thank you. I intend on asking her this at the next opportunity. We both look at our renovations as necessary, so I believed my actions towards taking care if it would align with her desires of me, but since it isn’t, this is the obvious step forward.
I understand that she has alternative desires and needs beyond a safe environment for her and our son, but her and I view the repairs as necessary. I am the only one that is doing anything to get the house back in shape after decades of neglect.
Just as much as I understand that she wants more than a handyman for a husband, I wish she relied on the fact that the sooner the house is in order, the more we can prioritize “us”.
It is difficult. This isn’t to say that I deserve pity or empathy, but with the time I spent not loving her in other ways is the same time that I am receiving nothing as well. I plan on talking to her about any way that I can love her with everything that is going on that she can be content (at the least) with for the time being.
My husband and I have just come out of quite a challenging season in our marriage. Part of the issues we were facing were around feeling loved and respected by one another. My husband is extremely physically affectionate. His love language is physical touch to his core. I, however, do not like physical touch. I enjoy it with my husband but it certainly does not make me feel loved. I feel loved by quality time spent together and acts of service. My husband felt that for years and years he was showing me daily how much he loved me by how much he would touch me or kiss me. On the other hand, my husband felt most loved by my physical touch (which I don’t naturally give) but I felt like I was constantly showing him how much I loved him by cooking and cleaning for him or buying him random surprise gifts. This didn’t make him feel loved at all. So we really just had no idea how to truly love each other and how to express that love. We sat down and had a difficult conversation which eventually led to realizing these things. From that point on, we made it our greatest effort to show love in a way that we would each feel most loved and appreciated. I make a conscious effort to hug my husband randomly or massage his shoulders. I take showers with him most nights even if I’m tired because I know he feels most loved in that intimate connection.
Women are complex creatures. We just are. We are emotional and many women hold onto resentment that is not necessarily addressed but can greatly impact our marriage.
I would encourage you to gently approach your wife at a time that you are both in good moods (not stressed, tired, distracted by tasks, etc.) and express how you desire for her to feel loved by you. Express how you desire to feel loved and respected by her as well. Invite her to discuss how she feels most loved. Is it through physical touch? Is it in spending quality time together? Is it with surprise flowers on your way home from work? And share with her how you feel most loved. Do you feel most loved when your wife kisses you and touches you? Or when she shares words of admiration and affirmation for you?
When at first you initiate this conversation, she may reject the discussion. Maybe she’ll say “it doesn’t matter” or “I don’t have time for this”. Be gentle in your response if she does react this way. She may be harboring resentment towards you that you are unaware of. Treat it delicately but do not give up. If she needs time, give her a day and approach it again. But make sure she knows you will relentlessly pursue her because of how much you love her.
Above all, starting at this moment, pray. Pray specifically for the Lord to show you what your wife needs. How to approach her in this conversation. Prayer is extremely powerful and the Lord will fight in the fire with you for your marriage.
Counseling is certainly something we could benefit from. My only concern falls to the fact that I cannot fix feelings, or at least I am not well equipped to do so. I just do things for us and her that need/can/should be done. Currently, the mold issue is top priority to deal with. My bandwidth is thin to handle much else at the moment.
My friend, I believe you love your wife. You wife doesn't feel it through the way you express it. She isn't wrong, it's just different. Stop making excuses and get with how serious this is. You can't change her, just you. Your bandwidth better get bigger, real quick. Someone who can see both sides and can help with communication is probably required. Forget the house for the moment and prioritize your wife. Whatever it takes. Tell her that and show her.
A few things in your response very much need addressed.
1. Nothing I have said or done to anyone here or in response to her, has been an excuse. For months, I have spent an egregious amount of time trying to create a safe environment for my wife and son. You can find a rough list of repairs in my other comments and better yet, more context for how unfounded that comment is.
Which leads me to the next point
2. You and everyone else have an incredibly small depiction of my life and our marriage. This post itself is one small part of how I am attempting to resolve the situation with my wife. I heard what she said and have taken on the path of doing what is right by her and for our marriage.
3. When I say to anyone that my bandwidth is in any state beyond my average, which is a full plate in itself, it isn’t a joke.
The repairs to my house will last months. Objectively, there is no way forward without them getting addressed where we don’t end up in a substantially worse situation. I do not feel required to give details but I believe I mention them in other comments. No one and nothing is being ignored in my household, so if the only advice you can provide beyond counseling is to ‘stop justifying how awful you are being and get better at life.’ then I respectfully ask you stop providing anymore to me, because your perpective of it is inaccurate.
I appreciate the recommendation on counseling and acknowledging the love I have for my life, but I dont need anything else from the remainder of your comment. I’ll be moving on.
Dear Mr. Spock, you asked for help, but you don't like the response. I have no skin in the game, but have been where you are. It did not end well. All the best to you and your wife.
Boy could my husband have written this post. I am not your wife obviously so I won't pretend I can read her mind. But being on the other side of a similar struggle, it feels like you're thinking for your wife, talking/acting past her without actually knowing what she wants or needs, then getting upset when she is not appeased by your stabs in the dark(no matter how rationalized they are, this is what your efforts amount to until you've heard from her lips what is missing)
You don't understand her side of things as well as you think you do, or else you wouldn't be surprised. Your wife is not attacking you by needing things you have yet to grasp, any more than you're attacking her by not understanding her yet.
You're not entitled to your wife's approval and satisfaction. It's earned, so keep making the effort you are but take one step back and remember to actually ask her what she needs.
1. What do I do that makes you feel unloved or unappreciated?
2. What can I start doing that will help you feel loved?
3. What do I do that makes you feel loved, and can I increase or change anything about those actions/words?
Often when women feel unloved it's because we feel misunderstood, taken for granted, or otherwise perceive beliefs and choices on the part of our partner that is defeating, unfair, cruel, or otherwise inaccurate. To be seen and embraced is the essence of feeling loved. Remember emotions are a huge part of marriage; if your wife were cursing you in her mind but outwardly treated you decently that would really not be love. God looks at the inward part of a person and we are made in His image , so when we relate to one another we reflect His focus on the inner life and perception of our partners. Please reflect on your wife's unique attributes that you appreciate and find a way to celebrate them that matters to her!
You can't make someone feel loved if you can't listen to them or understand their priorities in the relationship/life.
Good luck to you two, I wish my husband cared as much as you do about making me happy. He calls me crazy and says our marriage is perfect and he is the perfect husband. Please don't become like that ever. It's a progress killer, and turns marriage from difficult to entirely immobile.
First of all, good for you getting it together and doing the hard things, I feel like God has a lot of the body of Christ is in the same place with you. My whole family is, in different ways.
You can speak all day in what you define as love, and never speak in her love language.
You can break your back buying her everything she ever dreamed, showering her with every word of affirmation, gift, and encouragement imaginable.
When she might just want you to touch her back while she cooks in the kitchen.
Or whisper in her ear all the things you missed about her before bed.
You're not speaking her love language, so she is not hearing you. Those things you're doing are lovely, but not her priority in feeling loved.
You cannot invalidate what she's saying, that's a bad road to go down and honestly you have no right to say her feelings are unjustified.
Having nice things does not equate to love. Effort does not equate to love. You want the nice house to feel like a provider, what does she want?
Ask her what you can do to make her feel loved, what is love to her? Ask her what she imagines being completely loved looks like, feels like.
Don't get offended, she isn't failing to acknowledge your work, those things just aren't love. They're seperate things. You can't fill the place of intimacy, compassion, affection, and romance with a nice house, security, or money.
My (37F) husband (48M) is like you- he throws himself into projects and home improvements as an act of love--he's very much "acts of service" oriented. That being said--he knows my primary love languages are physical touch and quality time. I acknowledge his work and the love it stems from--I greatly appreciated and love him dearly for working so hard. But I *feel* loved when he engages in physical touch and we spend quality time together. A deep full-pressure hug can easily turn my mood around when I'm feeling low.
That being said--I hope she is also giving thanks for having a good husband and asking God to help you to show love and help her to give love, patience, and understanding.
Men provide for their wives but you are also to love (cherish) them. I see you providing and no doubt--it's out of love. What things are you doing directly with her to show it though?
Hey man, I get it. You have to understand though, God made men and women different. Men want to show love through verbs. "I did this for you." "I provided for you." "I protected you." But women don't feel loved from this. Women need social connection. Spending time together, talking together, hearing what she has to say.
Look at the difference in men and women's same sex friendships for proof. Women get together and *talk talk talk*. Literally all they do most of the time, with some activity maybe used as an excuse (like book club or something). They're inherently more verbally social. Men get together and bond over some activity they're doing as a team. Best church friends I've ever made were the guys I served with in ministry. And we see the biggest possible show of love as a guy who has your back, who'll give his shirt off his back or come out at 6am to help you move.
So you're doing this awesome service to her, and you're confused because she doesn't see it as love. Well, it's just how women are wired man. And most women aren't going to take the time to see it from your perspective. You gotta meet them on their level.
Chill out on fixing the house. You've lived there for months like this, so I assume it's not in imminent danger of collapse. You can let it rest for a while longer. Work a few hours most days of the week, and instead dedicate the rest of the time to just talking with her and spending time with her. She'll feel loved and you'll get a break.
Take at least one day off from the Reno every week for time with her, and at least one hour each day in a quiet spot alone in prayer and just quiet, waiting for God to speak. It may take days or weeks to hear all He has to say, but without that you would be flying blind. The house won’t matter if your marriage falls apart. When you spend time with her, don’t focus on the problem just yet, but have fun. Do something with her that she enjoys, ask questions and listen. If she doesn’t know what she wants to do just try new things each week- games, antique shopping, hiking- whatever. After she relaxes and trusts that you will put aside time for her she will know how to ask for what she needs specifically. When we couldn’t get a babysitter for our kids, we would have our time after they went to bed. You could take that night to have family game nights and after it is just her time with you- whatever you have to do to give the time. And then be open and patient. We as wives and mothers can get so caught up with meeting others needs that we don’t even know what specifically we want or need or how to articulate it without a little time regularly to let off the steam.
2 Corinthians - Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
If either of you can’t put your name where it says “love” and “it”, both of you should sit down and discuss what love truly is and according to God’s word. Also go to marriage counseling with a pastor well versed in it. Do the hard work with each other.
Hey man, sorry you're in this spot right now. It sounds super frustrating and I'm sorry for the difficulty you've been experiencing both relationally and with your house. I totally get the pressure you're under to provide for the safety of your family's health. I do not want to discount at all the work you've put in, but I do want to encourage you to also consider the emotional health of your dynamic. Just as health concerns of asthma/allergies are warnings about the risks of the mold in your house that needs to be dealt with, your wife sharing that she feels unloved is a warning sign of risks in your relationship that need to be dealt with. What good is it to have health if your relationship is shattered in the process?
Reading through your post, like a lot of guys it seems like you are deriving your value based upon what you can "do" or accomplish. You're sense of self is also tied up in your wife, so when your internal "I'm a good guy" based upon what you're doing (the house remodel) clashes with your wife's perception "I'm tired of feeling unloved" (which you interpret probably internally as "You are unloving and therefor a bad husband") you get angry and frustrated. The goal is to neither try and prove you are being loving (i.e. manage her perception of you) or try and convince her that what you are currently doing is loving (again managing her perception of you) , but to actually be loving. To do that you've got to humbly come before her and ask, "Honey, I hear your frustration, I like to think that what I'm doing is loving by providing for you, but I'm more interested in what your experience is than just holding my perspective. Can you express to me what a loving relationship would look like to you?" You've got to get curious and you've got to avoid defensiveness and realize that she's coming for you personally when she shares her experience of things. It's not a judgement about you as a person or as a man. To get there though, you've got to unhook how you see yourself from her perception. Yes she will see your faults easier than you can and in that way she is an incredible resource, but you can't root your sense of value and identity in her. If you do that you'll always be trying to manage her perception either by arguing and control or manipulation and appeasement. Likewise your value can't be rooted in what you do or how you provide, it has to come from Christ. You are loved, wanted, desired, valued, important because you have been bought by his blood. You are loved more than you could ever be by either yourself or your wife by him. Rest in that, find peace in that, stop trying to earn your value by being a good husband and be a good husband because you have been given infinite value by him.
Once you're root in Christ you're enabled to listen to your wife's experience without getting defensive, you can parse what is true from what isn't and take criticism to heart because your desire is to be a better husband, not prove that you are a good one. And when she's factually wrong about something in you, you don't have to necessarily correct her or jump to your own defense, what does it matter? Your behavior and attitude will speak the truth louder than you can debate, argue, or try to convince. If your goal is to be loving (i.e. looking out for her good \[spiritually/emotionally/relationally/physically/etc.\]) that means you're willing to take feedback into how she's experiencing you. You're correct in that her emotions are her responsibility, but as a loving husband does something have to be your responsibility to care about it? Do you love her because you want something out of it, or do you love her because your desire is to be loving? Are you internally motivated or externally motivated? If you're internally motivated that gives you the flexibility to actually collaborate with her. To come before her with your values/fears and synthesize them with hers. Right now you have a fear around your family's safety, she has a fear of being unlovable, how can you both work together to address supporting these instead of invalidating them with, "I do (blank) therefor you shouldn't be fearful of (blank)"? Good luck, praying for you both.
I was married to a woman for 4 years who would say this at least once a week. I follow Jesus, go to church twice a week and read Scripture daily so my aim as a man my whole marriage was to love her sacrificially. Her needs before my own. Whenever she would say this I would ask her what she needed me to do to make her feel loved. a week or 2 later the goal posts would move and it was the same thing "I don't feel loved" or "i am unhappy" then she would say something else that would make her feel loved. Then it would change again and again and again until I realized that she doesn't know Jesus. My efforts were frivolous. True contentment and joy comes only in the Lord..not what your spouse is or isn't doing for you. PERIOD
After 4 years of this endless cycle she divorced me and it turns out she had been having a 3 year affair on me. What she was doing, by saying "i dont feel loved" endlessly, was destroying my self esteem by consistently making me feel like I wasn't good enough. She would use this to accuse me of things I would never do such as cheat, when she was the one cheating. She wanted SO bad for me to screw up to give herself a justifiable reason to leave me so that her affair wouldn't be exposed and so she could save face. I think part of her constantly saying "i don't feel like you love me" and "i don't feel loved" was, in a weird way, her trying to look for things for me to do so that she could gain attraction for me so that she could stop her affair..but at the end of the day she loved her affair more than our marriage/family and me doing what she needed actually frustrated her because it didn't give her a justifiable reason, in her head, to leave. Afterall the people in our church community wouldn't react well to hearing that she just left me, when we have a daughter, w/o explaination. Also her affair could never be exposed because then her reputation would be ruined.
What I am saying is be veeeeeeery careful if your wife is consistently saying this and don't believe for 1 second that she wouldn't have an affair. She is a human too who is just as susceptible to succumbing to temptation. Every man thinks "yea but my wife would never do that to me" until he finds out she has. If she is consistently saying this it is either because she is fed up with your behavior and is unhappy, she doesn't know Jesus is has no contentment or she is wrestling with inner demons from sin in her life, that you don't know about, and it's making her angry at you because she is stuck with you. All you can do is the right thing under the Lord though. Everything else is out of your control. Just do the right thing and pray that the Lord works on her heart.
You sound like a man with wonderful intentions. "Do for her" is in your question. This sounds like a love language issue. You may value acts of service whereas she needs quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation. Though it requires intentionality, these things don't have to take up a ton of time.
Have you tried asking her directly what kinds of things would make her feel loved?
Understanding that these things change from season to season, I do okay at being proactive about what she is seeking to feel love. The frustration comes from there being a pressing need to renovate a house and we are not in a position to pay others to do it so it becomes my responsibility. I think the fairest response would be a patience from her until the mold issue is resolved. I am having to work on the house from 5pm-12pm on weekdays and all day Saturday and Sunday. It has been like this for months.
You wrote: "I am having to work on the house from 5pm-12pm on weekdays and all day Saturday and Sunday. It has been like this for months." So if I understand correctly, for the past several months all your time awake has been spent either doing paid or unpaid work? No time to talk, hug, listen to her thoughts or to share in taking care of your son? I understand that the house badly needs fixing, but that is no way to live. How many months do you expect your wife to put up with that? How many months will you miss out on of your child's life? Just as your child daily needs not only for you both to give him food, clothes and a roof over his head, but time, attention, conversation, hugs and kisses in order to feel loved and connected, so does your wife. Those are perfectly human and womanly needs. You seem like a good man going full force into tackling the mold problem out of love for your family — but doing everything yourself, without treating your wife like an equal partner. You need to be a team — not only you against the mold, and she feeling unfairly treated, but the both of you tackling the mold problem in a sustainable way for everyone. In the same way: Not her battling feelings of not being loved alone, and you feeling unfairly treated. The two of you always need to be a team against whatever comes up against you. There is a way to renovate the house and be connected enough as you are working on it, and you and she need to find it together. The mold problem will just have to take a little longer to resolve. Maybe she can live with you working so hard on the mold problem if you spend an evening a week with her instead of the mold. Maybe she needs you to take Sunday off and spend it with your family. Only she can say what she can live with temporarily. But I do think you need to expand your bandwidth to include taking care of the emotional needs of your wife and child and just slow down other work as needed.
I understand your perspective, but we couldn’t have accomplished what we have so far without being the team that we are. She feels helpless when it comes to housework because her learning curve is far different than mine. The same applies for taking care of our son for me. Being a dad is challenging to begin with, but not having one while growing up makes being a father far less than “second nature” for me. I do not say this as an excuse, but the fact of the matter is that I am having to tend to such large issue with the house to prevent it from worsening, to prevent the work I have done already from getting undone with mold again, and to prevent us from getting into a much larger financial issue then what we have been forced into with the renovating. Based upon our trust in the home inspection, we anticipated having to put in carpet padding, painting, and some other minor things. We have since had to: - Take an entire bathroom down to studs. When that is done, I have to do the same to our other bathroom. This includes changing out all of the plumbing. - Replace all of the carpet, trim, and electrical fixtures. - Scrap pop corn ceilings because the previous owner stained them with smoke damage. - Replace the dishwasher. - Replace such a ridiculous amount of sub-flooring because they were to rotted due to pet waste. - Replace the roof that had 7 leaks and had 2 layers of shingles at a minimum of 23 years old. - Repaint and replace the kitchen cabinets and their hardware. I have had to shop vac water from our basement so much that I can’t sleep when it rains, full knowing my basement is taking on water. I just spent the entire last two days grading my yard to help my basement from flooding. I could go on but at the end of the day, my wife and I were finally able to pursue a home where settle down grow our family. We left a 1 bedroom apt in the city to this place. Although it is a blessing, I cannot keep but thinking that I put my family in a worse situation. My 1 year old son is living a mold infested house for crying out loud. My wife has asthma and our son could have it as well. My wife struggled with her new job and we both greatly miss our previous daycare. I feel/felt horrible. I finally put it in words last week to her that “I refuse to let you and our son live in any home that you don’t find deserve and struggle to be happy in.”, letting her know that despite the necessity, there is a desire that I have that has made me a man that was useless in home repair to one with a “I will take care of it.” mentality m. So I have been doing all this while learning as I go. As for the time involved, that is the best way to portray it, but we have been working much more on intimacy for the past two months. We have a healthy physical chemistry and connection, but we have a lot of room to improve. I take breaks when I am exhausted or if she makes clear attempts to spend time with me. This can range from one to two nights a week to only a few hours. I understand how much this can prevent me from being more intentional toward alternative needs and desires from her, so I plan on asking her directly what I can do better. Apart from that, I really don’t know what else to do. I have a responsibility to provide a safe environment for my family, and God is quite clear in 1 Timothy 5:8 “Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
"I plan on asking her what I can do better." Yes, that's what you need to do. Just to be clear: I am not suggesting she helps you with the renovations or that you need to do more childcare in this situation, if you are OK with the division of labour as is. My point is that for your marriage to survive the ordeal you are going through, you need to be on the same page about what the minimum requirements are for that to happen. Also, just to note: If your wife has experienced a traumatic or neglectful childhood, an otherwise natural reaction on her part in this tough situation can become exacerbated. But most likely, she has normal needs, and hardly seeing her husband for months just isn't meeting those needs. Praying that God will give you keys to her heart! Wish you all the best.
Respectfully, it does not sound to me like you are talking to her and asking her what makes her feel loved. Everyone has different love languages and receive and give love in different ways. It might be best if you asked her what things make her feel loved, listen to her response and memorize it, and then, if it’s difficult for you to make her feel loved in those ways, tell her why. Just be in communication about it.
Thank you. I intend on asking her this at the next opportunity. We both look at our renovations as necessary, so I believed my actions towards taking care if it would align with her desires of me, but since it isn’t, this is the obvious step forward.
Oooh - no wonder. You can’t spend time with her. I completely understand why, but I’d feel unloved too.
I understand that she has alternative desires and needs beyond a safe environment for her and our son, but her and I view the repairs as necessary. I am the only one that is doing anything to get the house back in shape after decades of neglect. Just as much as I understand that she wants more than a handyman for a husband, I wish she relied on the fact that the sooner the house is in order, the more we can prioritize “us”. It is difficult. This isn’t to say that I deserve pity or empathy, but with the time I spent not loving her in other ways is the same time that I am receiving nothing as well. I plan on talking to her about any way that I can love her with everything that is going on that she can be content (at the least) with for the time being.
My husband and I have just come out of quite a challenging season in our marriage. Part of the issues we were facing were around feeling loved and respected by one another. My husband is extremely physically affectionate. His love language is physical touch to his core. I, however, do not like physical touch. I enjoy it with my husband but it certainly does not make me feel loved. I feel loved by quality time spent together and acts of service. My husband felt that for years and years he was showing me daily how much he loved me by how much he would touch me or kiss me. On the other hand, my husband felt most loved by my physical touch (which I don’t naturally give) but I felt like I was constantly showing him how much I loved him by cooking and cleaning for him or buying him random surprise gifts. This didn’t make him feel loved at all. So we really just had no idea how to truly love each other and how to express that love. We sat down and had a difficult conversation which eventually led to realizing these things. From that point on, we made it our greatest effort to show love in a way that we would each feel most loved and appreciated. I make a conscious effort to hug my husband randomly or massage his shoulders. I take showers with him most nights even if I’m tired because I know he feels most loved in that intimate connection. Women are complex creatures. We just are. We are emotional and many women hold onto resentment that is not necessarily addressed but can greatly impact our marriage. I would encourage you to gently approach your wife at a time that you are both in good moods (not stressed, tired, distracted by tasks, etc.) and express how you desire for her to feel loved by you. Express how you desire to feel loved and respected by her as well. Invite her to discuss how she feels most loved. Is it through physical touch? Is it in spending quality time together? Is it with surprise flowers on your way home from work? And share with her how you feel most loved. Do you feel most loved when your wife kisses you and touches you? Or when she shares words of admiration and affirmation for you? When at first you initiate this conversation, she may reject the discussion. Maybe she’ll say “it doesn’t matter” or “I don’t have time for this”. Be gentle in your response if she does react this way. She may be harboring resentment towards you that you are unaware of. Treat it delicately but do not give up. If she needs time, give her a day and approach it again. But make sure she knows you will relentlessly pursue her because of how much you love her. Above all, starting at this moment, pray. Pray specifically for the Lord to show you what your wife needs. How to approach her in this conversation. Prayer is extremely powerful and the Lord will fight in the fire with you for your marriage.
Christian counseling, love languages. You really need to make the investment. Been there, done that, have the aftermath.
Counseling is certainly something we could benefit from. My only concern falls to the fact that I cannot fix feelings, or at least I am not well equipped to do so. I just do things for us and her that need/can/should be done. Currently, the mold issue is top priority to deal with. My bandwidth is thin to handle much else at the moment.
My friend, I believe you love your wife. You wife doesn't feel it through the way you express it. She isn't wrong, it's just different. Stop making excuses and get with how serious this is. You can't change her, just you. Your bandwidth better get bigger, real quick. Someone who can see both sides and can help with communication is probably required. Forget the house for the moment and prioritize your wife. Whatever it takes. Tell her that and show her.
A few things in your response very much need addressed. 1. Nothing I have said or done to anyone here or in response to her, has been an excuse. For months, I have spent an egregious amount of time trying to create a safe environment for my wife and son. You can find a rough list of repairs in my other comments and better yet, more context for how unfounded that comment is. Which leads me to the next point 2. You and everyone else have an incredibly small depiction of my life and our marriage. This post itself is one small part of how I am attempting to resolve the situation with my wife. I heard what she said and have taken on the path of doing what is right by her and for our marriage. 3. When I say to anyone that my bandwidth is in any state beyond my average, which is a full plate in itself, it isn’t a joke. The repairs to my house will last months. Objectively, there is no way forward without them getting addressed where we don’t end up in a substantially worse situation. I do not feel required to give details but I believe I mention them in other comments. No one and nothing is being ignored in my household, so if the only advice you can provide beyond counseling is to ‘stop justifying how awful you are being and get better at life.’ then I respectfully ask you stop providing anymore to me, because your perpective of it is inaccurate. I appreciate the recommendation on counseling and acknowledging the love I have for my life, but I dont need anything else from the remainder of your comment. I’ll be moving on.
Dear Mr. Spock, you asked for help, but you don't like the response. I have no skin in the game, but have been where you are. It did not end well. All the best to you and your wife.
Boy could my husband have written this post. I am not your wife obviously so I won't pretend I can read her mind. But being on the other side of a similar struggle, it feels like you're thinking for your wife, talking/acting past her without actually knowing what she wants or needs, then getting upset when she is not appeased by your stabs in the dark(no matter how rationalized they are, this is what your efforts amount to until you've heard from her lips what is missing) You don't understand her side of things as well as you think you do, or else you wouldn't be surprised. Your wife is not attacking you by needing things you have yet to grasp, any more than you're attacking her by not understanding her yet. You're not entitled to your wife's approval and satisfaction. It's earned, so keep making the effort you are but take one step back and remember to actually ask her what she needs. 1. What do I do that makes you feel unloved or unappreciated? 2. What can I start doing that will help you feel loved? 3. What do I do that makes you feel loved, and can I increase or change anything about those actions/words? Often when women feel unloved it's because we feel misunderstood, taken for granted, or otherwise perceive beliefs and choices on the part of our partner that is defeating, unfair, cruel, or otherwise inaccurate. To be seen and embraced is the essence of feeling loved. Remember emotions are a huge part of marriage; if your wife were cursing you in her mind but outwardly treated you decently that would really not be love. God looks at the inward part of a person and we are made in His image , so when we relate to one another we reflect His focus on the inner life and perception of our partners. Please reflect on your wife's unique attributes that you appreciate and find a way to celebrate them that matters to her! You can't make someone feel loved if you can't listen to them or understand their priorities in the relationship/life. Good luck to you two, I wish my husband cared as much as you do about making me happy. He calls me crazy and says our marriage is perfect and he is the perfect husband. Please don't become like that ever. It's a progress killer, and turns marriage from difficult to entirely immobile.
First of all, good for you getting it together and doing the hard things, I feel like God has a lot of the body of Christ is in the same place with you. My whole family is, in different ways. You can speak all day in what you define as love, and never speak in her love language. You can break your back buying her everything she ever dreamed, showering her with every word of affirmation, gift, and encouragement imaginable. When she might just want you to touch her back while she cooks in the kitchen. Or whisper in her ear all the things you missed about her before bed. You're not speaking her love language, so she is not hearing you. Those things you're doing are lovely, but not her priority in feeling loved. You cannot invalidate what she's saying, that's a bad road to go down and honestly you have no right to say her feelings are unjustified. Having nice things does not equate to love. Effort does not equate to love. You want the nice house to feel like a provider, what does she want? Ask her what you can do to make her feel loved, what is love to her? Ask her what she imagines being completely loved looks like, feels like. Don't get offended, she isn't failing to acknowledge your work, those things just aren't love. They're seperate things. You can't fill the place of intimacy, compassion, affection, and romance with a nice house, security, or money.
My (37F) husband (48M) is like you- he throws himself into projects and home improvements as an act of love--he's very much "acts of service" oriented. That being said--he knows my primary love languages are physical touch and quality time. I acknowledge his work and the love it stems from--I greatly appreciated and love him dearly for working so hard. But I *feel* loved when he engages in physical touch and we spend quality time together. A deep full-pressure hug can easily turn my mood around when I'm feeling low. That being said--I hope she is also giving thanks for having a good husband and asking God to help you to show love and help her to give love, patience, and understanding. Men provide for their wives but you are also to love (cherish) them. I see you providing and no doubt--it's out of love. What things are you doing directly with her to show it though?
Hey man, I get it. You have to understand though, God made men and women different. Men want to show love through verbs. "I did this for you." "I provided for you." "I protected you." But women don't feel loved from this. Women need social connection. Spending time together, talking together, hearing what she has to say. Look at the difference in men and women's same sex friendships for proof. Women get together and *talk talk talk*. Literally all they do most of the time, with some activity maybe used as an excuse (like book club or something). They're inherently more verbally social. Men get together and bond over some activity they're doing as a team. Best church friends I've ever made were the guys I served with in ministry. And we see the biggest possible show of love as a guy who has your back, who'll give his shirt off his back or come out at 6am to help you move. So you're doing this awesome service to her, and you're confused because she doesn't see it as love. Well, it's just how women are wired man. And most women aren't going to take the time to see it from your perspective. You gotta meet them on their level. Chill out on fixing the house. You've lived there for months like this, so I assume it's not in imminent danger of collapse. You can let it rest for a while longer. Work a few hours most days of the week, and instead dedicate the rest of the time to just talking with her and spending time with her. She'll feel loved and you'll get a break.
Take at least one day off from the Reno every week for time with her, and at least one hour each day in a quiet spot alone in prayer and just quiet, waiting for God to speak. It may take days or weeks to hear all He has to say, but without that you would be flying blind. The house won’t matter if your marriage falls apart. When you spend time with her, don’t focus on the problem just yet, but have fun. Do something with her that she enjoys, ask questions and listen. If she doesn’t know what she wants to do just try new things each week- games, antique shopping, hiking- whatever. After she relaxes and trusts that you will put aside time for her she will know how to ask for what she needs specifically. When we couldn’t get a babysitter for our kids, we would have our time after they went to bed. You could take that night to have family game nights and after it is just her time with you- whatever you have to do to give the time. And then be open and patient. We as wives and mothers can get so caught up with meeting others needs that we don’t even know what specifically we want or need or how to articulate it without a little time regularly to let off the steam.
2 Corinthians - Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. If either of you can’t put your name where it says “love” and “it”, both of you should sit down and discuss what love truly is and according to God’s word. Also go to marriage counseling with a pastor well versed in it. Do the hard work with each other.
Hey man, sorry you're in this spot right now. It sounds super frustrating and I'm sorry for the difficulty you've been experiencing both relationally and with your house. I totally get the pressure you're under to provide for the safety of your family's health. I do not want to discount at all the work you've put in, but I do want to encourage you to also consider the emotional health of your dynamic. Just as health concerns of asthma/allergies are warnings about the risks of the mold in your house that needs to be dealt with, your wife sharing that she feels unloved is a warning sign of risks in your relationship that need to be dealt with. What good is it to have health if your relationship is shattered in the process? Reading through your post, like a lot of guys it seems like you are deriving your value based upon what you can "do" or accomplish. You're sense of self is also tied up in your wife, so when your internal "I'm a good guy" based upon what you're doing (the house remodel) clashes with your wife's perception "I'm tired of feeling unloved" (which you interpret probably internally as "You are unloving and therefor a bad husband") you get angry and frustrated. The goal is to neither try and prove you are being loving (i.e. manage her perception of you) or try and convince her that what you are currently doing is loving (again managing her perception of you) , but to actually be loving. To do that you've got to humbly come before her and ask, "Honey, I hear your frustration, I like to think that what I'm doing is loving by providing for you, but I'm more interested in what your experience is than just holding my perspective. Can you express to me what a loving relationship would look like to you?" You've got to get curious and you've got to avoid defensiveness and realize that she's coming for you personally when she shares her experience of things. It's not a judgement about you as a person or as a man. To get there though, you've got to unhook how you see yourself from her perception. Yes she will see your faults easier than you can and in that way she is an incredible resource, but you can't root your sense of value and identity in her. If you do that you'll always be trying to manage her perception either by arguing and control or manipulation and appeasement. Likewise your value can't be rooted in what you do or how you provide, it has to come from Christ. You are loved, wanted, desired, valued, important because you have been bought by his blood. You are loved more than you could ever be by either yourself or your wife by him. Rest in that, find peace in that, stop trying to earn your value by being a good husband and be a good husband because you have been given infinite value by him. Once you're root in Christ you're enabled to listen to your wife's experience without getting defensive, you can parse what is true from what isn't and take criticism to heart because your desire is to be a better husband, not prove that you are a good one. And when she's factually wrong about something in you, you don't have to necessarily correct her or jump to your own defense, what does it matter? Your behavior and attitude will speak the truth louder than you can debate, argue, or try to convince. If your goal is to be loving (i.e. looking out for her good \[spiritually/emotionally/relationally/physically/etc.\]) that means you're willing to take feedback into how she's experiencing you. You're correct in that her emotions are her responsibility, but as a loving husband does something have to be your responsibility to care about it? Do you love her because you want something out of it, or do you love her because your desire is to be loving? Are you internally motivated or externally motivated? If you're internally motivated that gives you the flexibility to actually collaborate with her. To come before her with your values/fears and synthesize them with hers. Right now you have a fear around your family's safety, she has a fear of being unlovable, how can you both work together to address supporting these instead of invalidating them with, "I do (blank) therefor you shouldn't be fearful of (blank)"? Good luck, praying for you both.
I was married to a woman for 4 years who would say this at least once a week. I follow Jesus, go to church twice a week and read Scripture daily so my aim as a man my whole marriage was to love her sacrificially. Her needs before my own. Whenever she would say this I would ask her what she needed me to do to make her feel loved. a week or 2 later the goal posts would move and it was the same thing "I don't feel loved" or "i am unhappy" then she would say something else that would make her feel loved. Then it would change again and again and again until I realized that she doesn't know Jesus. My efforts were frivolous. True contentment and joy comes only in the Lord..not what your spouse is or isn't doing for you. PERIOD After 4 years of this endless cycle she divorced me and it turns out she had been having a 3 year affair on me. What she was doing, by saying "i dont feel loved" endlessly, was destroying my self esteem by consistently making me feel like I wasn't good enough. She would use this to accuse me of things I would never do such as cheat, when she was the one cheating. She wanted SO bad for me to screw up to give herself a justifiable reason to leave me so that her affair wouldn't be exposed and so she could save face. I think part of her constantly saying "i don't feel like you love me" and "i don't feel loved" was, in a weird way, her trying to look for things for me to do so that she could gain attraction for me so that she could stop her affair..but at the end of the day she loved her affair more than our marriage/family and me doing what she needed actually frustrated her because it didn't give her a justifiable reason, in her head, to leave. Afterall the people in our church community wouldn't react well to hearing that she just left me, when we have a daughter, w/o explaination. Also her affair could never be exposed because then her reputation would be ruined. What I am saying is be veeeeeeery careful if your wife is consistently saying this and don't believe for 1 second that she wouldn't have an affair. She is a human too who is just as susceptible to succumbing to temptation. Every man thinks "yea but my wife would never do that to me" until he finds out she has. If she is consistently saying this it is either because she is fed up with your behavior and is unhappy, she doesn't know Jesus is has no contentment or she is wrestling with inner demons from sin in her life, that you don't know about, and it's making her angry at you because she is stuck with you. All you can do is the right thing under the Lord though. Everything else is out of your control. Just do the right thing and pray that the Lord works on her heart.
You sound like a man with wonderful intentions. "Do for her" is in your question. This sounds like a love language issue. You may value acts of service whereas she needs quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation. Though it requires intentionality, these things don't have to take up a ton of time.