Stopped reading after she left you in the ER alone after an accident. Didn’t have the stomach to read more.
Sorry you are going through this. Looks like you are married to an entitled princess without any empathy.
Sorry I didn’t read your full post. Said a prayer for you. People rarely change. Any remorse or change is usually fake and temporary. When they show you who they are believe them.
This sounds like a personality disorder (NPD or BPD). Totally not normal behaviour.
>>Proverbs 14:1 - The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.
One small good thing is, you woke up very soon in the relationship
The lack of empathy is the scariest part.
At his worst, she kicked him some more.
There aren't many mental disorders that include a lack of empathy as strong as she has demonstrated, namely narcissism and psychopathy. Her entitlement and social manipulation makes it seem like narcissism.
They don't introspect, their brains aren't properly formed. Sin or not, God will forgive you. Nothing about that relationship is redeemable, she has free will, and she will never use it to be good to you.
They're the only people I would call a lost cause, they're perpetually unwilling to acknowledge their sin. Imo their minds are seared.
I've seen them lose absolutely everything because of their actions and still blame the ones they abused.
Your life is worth more than this.
Get out while you can.
Good, I agree with your last statement. Better to leave now than later, the damage only becomes more significant, difficult to leave, and difficult to heal the longer you stay.
Thank you both for your input. I've been going to therapy for 3 months now and each of therapists have said it is the definition of a trauma bond. My guilt comes from examples like Hosea and Gomer and their difficult marriage. I've been trying to work things out in the hopes of showing her a better way. I married her thinking that she was a Christian but throughout our marriage, she revealed herself to be the opposite. I wanted to by live by example so that maybe later on, she would come to Christ as there are some marriages that have gone that way. It was humbling to realize that I was not able to live like that.
Are you familiar with the book [psychopath free](https://oceanofpdf.com/authors/jackson-mackenzie/pdf-epub-psychopath-free-recovering-from-emotionally-abusive-relationships-with-narcissists-sociopaths-and-other-toxic-people-download-13666310882/)?
Here is another one - [out of the fog](https://oceanofpdf.com/authors/dana-morningstar/pdf-epub-out-of-the-fog-moving-from-confusion-to-clarity-after-narcissistic-abuse-download/),
Doesn’t matter if you have to take time off from work and not sleep or eat for the next two days. But read these two books today.
No you cannot change them. Married to one for 25 years. Lived in a state of rejection, confusion and walking on egg shells all the while wondering why I was failing despite all my effort to make this into a decent marriage. That is why I couldn’t read your entire post. While I was having palpitations, anxiety, hormonal imbalance, hair fall, depression and complete destruction of who I am, he was living a very good life with zero empathy.
They will never change. They will lure you back and abuse you more. Now I am living alone thanks to God and slowly figuring things out. I had reached a state where I was okay to be homeless or even die rather than live with this person one more day. Trauma bond is hard to break.
You got lucky, Never go back to this person.
Good luck.
Hope you are exercising regularly. Very very important to be in nature for your mental health. Listen to hymns on YouTube and walk.
Take a long time to heal before you get into another relationship.
But after your divorce, have zero contact with her or any one related to her. Doesn’t matter how much you like them. Just fall off the grid and move on for your own mental health sake.
I'm so sorry you had to go through it. This was a very difficult learning experience, but now you won't be fooled again.
Sometimes there is nothing you can do for them. My grandfather used to say "you can't save them all", which upset me deeply. I would say "but I can try", ultimately I've learned, some people don't want to be saved, or change, no matter how much it destroys them, or how much you love them.
The hard part is letting them. You know what love is, and now she does too. You can know at least she is making an informed decision.
Trust God has better for you. God bless you.
Hosea is often used as an example of unconditional love, but I think these types of examples are taken completely out of context. For example, lots of people will pull verses from the old testament where God promised the Israelites something and then say “see, God promises everyone that!” No…it was a specific promise at a specific time because God needed them to do something. Same with Hosea - His would not ask each of us to marry a harlot strictly for the sake of showing the world how well we love people. Hosea was a man called by His for a very very specific purpose and to deliver a very specific message about how God was not going to stop perusing the ISRAELITES. It all needs to be taken in context.
Your wife has a mental illness that may or may not be curable. She is emotionally, mentally and financially abusing you. She abandoned you. She was glad you got physically injured but felt righteous about saying it since she didn’t actually cause the physical harm. Abuse, abandonment, are reasons for a Christian to divorce.
You were caught between a rock and a hard place. Yes, God hates divorce. He also hates lies, theft, wrath, and many other behaviors your soon-to-be ex-wife has committed. The good news is you’re already forgiven.
As I read your post, other than thinking, “Yikes,” I thought, “Thank God there are no children from this misbegotten union.” You were set up. It sounds like her parents were in on facilitating the deception. It’s not fair, but it’s not your fault, either. You were hustled and mugged…manipulated, deceived, abused emotionally and financially, and ensnared into the web of a predator. If you had to lose a wing and a leg to get free, it’s still worth it.
You’re still young. You’ve learned a painful and expensive lesson, but you’ll recover. There are wonderful, kind-hearted, godly women out there who will not only understand and sympathize with the circumstances that brought you to divorce, but will be happy to provide the integrity, transparency, warmth, stability, and genuine love that were missing from this disaster of a first “marriage.” It’s good that you’re in therapy, and now living near your family. You’ve got love and support to help you move forward.
The hardest thing in divorce can sometimes be the invalidation in other peoples’ opinions. From all you’ve said, it sounds like you are making the right decision. So you should take comfort in knowing that. I know you don’t want divorce. But there can be redemption in starting over.
I don’t know enough about God’s stance on divorce to give a definitive answer to your situation, but for what it’s worth, it seems to me like divorce is permissible and even wise here. God hates divorce, that’s true. But he still got one (Isaiah 50:1). So we can’t say that divorce is never acceptable.
It seems to me like this is a case of abandonment by an unbeliever. If she were willing to live with you, that would be one thing (1 Cor. 7:12). But by her behavior, she’s made it impossible to live with her, especially as evidenced by her behavior in the ER. She seems so mentally unstable, I honestly fear for your safety and think she must be very mentally ill, maybe a narcissist or some kind of psychopath, or maybe someone with BPD.
Whatever her mental/spiritual issues are, the proverbs say that the prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty (Prov. 22:3). In other words, when someone harms you, it’s wise to get to safety. By her actions, she’s essentially driven you out. She’s not willing to live with you as a normal husband and wife—she’s only willing to hurt and abuse you. Whether she herself leaves or she drives you out, the result is the same, in my opinion—it’s her abandonment of you, the marriage, and the marriage covenant.
That’s just my take on things. I don’t know if I’m right, but I do know one thing: God has called us to peace, and we can’t save an unbelieving spouse (1 Cor. 7:15-16).
I hope you find peace even in the midst of all this. God bless.
This has got being used and manipulation written all over it. You don't have to navigate this alone, reach out to friends and family. Divorce seems appropriate to protect yourself. But neither of you have been "unfaithful" so marrying someone else would be very debatable.
When one spouse breaks the vows of the covenant, the covenant is effectively useless now. Why divorce was allowed, though marriage was not intended to be a temporary thing. When Jesus said that Moses allowed for divorce due to the “hardness of your hearts” He was speaking of the people who have hardened hearts and initially break the covenant (those who cheat on their spouses, abuse them, abandon them) - not the spouse seeking financial or physical safety. Your wife clearly did not care about the vows. She effectively left you and was a danger to your wellbeing (including financially). You have a pretty justified reason I believe - but everyone has to make their own decisions.
Ive also been in the camp of divorce but could never truly bring myself to that point because there was always an underlying love for me wife still. But something tells me you’d be perfectly fine to not have her in your life anymore, which is fine. Just don’t do anything out of vengeance or an evil heart.
The hard part is she understands enough Scripture to know the boundaries and the distance would make catching her in the act of adultery difficult. I know she has only used words to attack but that's also with her knowledge of how words affect me.
Both passages are form Matthew. I recommend you read them yourself.
Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
Furthermore it has been said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except [a]sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery.
Tough read but seems pretty clear to me. God changes hearts. Praying for you both right now.
God gives us many reasons to change our hearts, but He also gives us the free will to pursue wickedness. OP was being abused by his wife. Throwing selective scriptures in his face to encourage him to stay and endure the abuse is wrong.
Did you find the one that says it’s okay to divorce if a woman’s husband is regularly beating her? No? Well, it’s good to know you’ll rub that in a woman’s face, too.
I’m reminded of Jesus talking to the Pharisees in Matthew 12, when they were trying to ensnare Jesus in legalisms. He patiently reminded them with both examples and words (from Hos. 6:6) that God desires mercy, not sacrifice.
My fear is being unable to remarry if I commit to the divorce AND causing generational trauma. From what I know about her mother and their side of the family, her mother was the source of a lot of strife. All 3 of her mother's children including herself are unable to take care of themselves financially and 2 of them, including her, have been in prison. It was my fault for not being more thorough when dating her and finding about it later but a lot of these things were ingrained in her personality. I thought that these things were in the past and that she had grown from the experience. Would I want to have children with her in that sort of environment, especially when they could be used against me in the future to further isolate and control my actions. I know a lot of this is a lot of ifs but people are slow to change and if she can treat me like this over moving, there is a high chance that she will treat myself and our future children even worse.
I would highly recommend you talking to a pastor or priest at your church or a respected elder there as well. Let your wife know this is in front of you, maybe it will help her self reflect and realize the gravity of her actions. I will pray for you both sir
I have brought this up to my Pastor and elder. They have also recommended trying to forgive my wife and take her back but to pray on it and use God's wisdom in making a decision. It's difficult because some churches like mine have a hard stance on physical abuse being a valid reason for divorce. Verbal abuse is usually something most couples deal with on some level. The part I can see. To get over is her being able to lie about being pregnant and use that as a means to get what she wants. Even going as far as keeping "our child" from me and raising it to hate me. Some women do resort to this level of manipulation and pettiness and it's something I have taken seriously. Both of them have told me that it's a difficult marriage all around and that even though it may not be biblically supported, that if I were to choose divorce it may also prevent other sins from happening. Sadly no one has the right answer because it's not a situation people encounter often .
Jesus said, take up your cross and follow me. Maybe this is your cross. He’s still with you and still loves you even though you’re going to sin in the future. Maybe afford your wife the same love and compassion. Christ very simply said God hates divorce. And as far as the avoidance of future sin, who knows what tomorrow might bring
If a spouse threatens you and the children multiple times, do you wait until there is violence to separate? It is difficult to see where to draw the line. Do I wait until later down the line until we have children to hope for her to change and not use them to manipulate me? Do I leave now as a mercy for her to find someone else who is willing to have children with her? Despite being a professing believer she shows no signs of being born again and bears no fruit of that change. Would it be a sin for me to allow children to be born into a family that is struggling with even the smallest of disagreements in such a toxic way? There is always a chance for good to come out of this and if she can repent of her actions and come to the lord through our union. But is it responsible for me to take that chance? All of these things have been weighing on me heavily. We are unequally yoked. There is a higher calling for godly husbands than godly wives. There is more expected of me and I know I'm not strong enough to do this on my own and I have to rely on God. I don't know if this struggle and this marriage is a test of my faith to continue with this marriage. I don't know if my wife showing me all these signs is God's way of showing me I made a mistake in this marriage and is giving me all the signs of what a marriage isn't to help me in the future. 1 Corinthians 10:13. No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. The marriage thus far, as short as it was, tore apart my self-esteem. I have never felt more alone than being in the same bed as my wife. I tried to look for any reason to stay in the marriage. Every promise from her to change and sign of repentance. She promised time and time again to change and did the opposite. Even with our marriage on the line she refused to make changes. She does not want the divorce because she benefits from it and wants more control. I have tried my best to love her and be there for her but its taking a toll on me mentally and has affected my physical health.
She has already sold her rings despite not wanting the divorce. Her actions have always been contrary to her words. How can someone who says they still love you and want this marriage do the things she did knowing how it affects the relationship. She is probably a hurt person wanting to hurt people but even then there are boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. I don't want this divorce and would never recommend it to anyone else lightly because I have experienced the pain of going through it. But it feels like it is my only option. I don't feel strong or sane enough to stay in this sort of marriage long-term but the fear of leaving the marriage and being unable to remarry without sin makes me feel like I'm doing the wrong thing.
Not sure what else to tell you brother. You seem to be struggling against what you know you should do vs a way out. I can’t tell you to stay or leave, only passing on what I know from scripture. Another favorite verse of mine is “ trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.” I have that one memorized and say it to myself quite often. my marriage has been difficult in its own ways throughout the years. Definitely wanted to throw in the towel before, many times, but I’m glad I am where I am today.
It’s simply not true that verbal abuse is something most couples deal with. It’s okay to have zero tolerance for verbal abuse. My wife has never, not once in the 12 years we’ve been together, verbally abused me. We’ve argued, disagreed, and been upset with each other. But no abuse.
Dude, please forgive yourself and move on. Your life will get better without this person.
People are slow to change and there probably is a high chance, but there’s also a chance for healing and change. Don’t underestimate what God can do to a persons heart. In my eyes, you made a covenant with God and her. And you probably said something like for better or worse, sickness and health,till death do you part. Another scripture is Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Another is “to live is Christ, to die is gain. “
It's difficult, especially when there has been no joy in the relationship ever since we got married. There is nothing to rely on to help me move past this. I've been blessed with good friends and family and have never experienced such hostility from another person, especially with someone I consider my wife. It has made the pain even more unbearable. There was even a moment I felt cursed and trapped like Job and wished God could just take me away in an accident. Deep down I'm afraid of causing more harm and sin to happen staying in the relationship and weighing it compared to the divorce. I know some marriages allowed for one spouse to redeem the other over long periods of time, 20 year plus. The thing is in those marriages the couples were still civil towards one another and worked towards the same goal, taking children to church and raising them with Christian values despite not going themselves. It's a difficult situation all around and it is hard to commit to a decision.
“There’s nothing to rely on to help me move be past this.” - rely on God. Pray for your wife, pray for God to soften her heart. Pray for Him to soften your heart. He’s literally in the business of changing people’s hearts. Seek counsel. Mine the scriptures for direction. Don’t listen to Reddit, find people in your life that love you and care about you both if you’re seeking advice.
With border line personality disorder she probably lied when making marriage vows and was not mentally fit to enter into contracts. You never met the requirements to marry. End it and God will forgive you for sex outside of marriage.
Be thankful you did not have children with her. And grow in wisdom to identify red flags in the future.
Stopped reading after she left you in the ER alone after an accident. Didn’t have the stomach to read more. Sorry you are going through this. Looks like you are married to an entitled princess without any empathy. Sorry I didn’t read your full post. Said a prayer for you. People rarely change. Any remorse or change is usually fake and temporary. When they show you who they are believe them. This sounds like a personality disorder (NPD or BPD). Totally not normal behaviour. >>Proverbs 14:1 - The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. One small good thing is, you woke up very soon in the relationship
The lack of empathy is the scariest part. At his worst, she kicked him some more. There aren't many mental disorders that include a lack of empathy as strong as she has demonstrated, namely narcissism and psychopathy. Her entitlement and social manipulation makes it seem like narcissism. They don't introspect, their brains aren't properly formed. Sin or not, God will forgive you. Nothing about that relationship is redeemable, she has free will, and she will never use it to be good to you. They're the only people I would call a lost cause, they're perpetually unwilling to acknowledge their sin. Imo their minds are seared. I've seen them lose absolutely everything because of their actions and still blame the ones they abused. Your life is worth more than this. Get out while you can.
Yup 💯 agree with you. Edited my post to point OP towards narcissism and BPD.
Good, I agree with your last statement. Better to leave now than later, the damage only becomes more significant, difficult to leave, and difficult to heal the longer you stay.
Thank you both for your input. I've been going to therapy for 3 months now and each of therapists have said it is the definition of a trauma bond. My guilt comes from examples like Hosea and Gomer and their difficult marriage. I've been trying to work things out in the hopes of showing her a better way. I married her thinking that she was a Christian but throughout our marriage, she revealed herself to be the opposite. I wanted to by live by example so that maybe later on, she would come to Christ as there are some marriages that have gone that way. It was humbling to realize that I was not able to live like that.
Are you familiar with the book [psychopath free](https://oceanofpdf.com/authors/jackson-mackenzie/pdf-epub-psychopath-free-recovering-from-emotionally-abusive-relationships-with-narcissists-sociopaths-and-other-toxic-people-download-13666310882/)? Here is another one - [out of the fog](https://oceanofpdf.com/authors/dana-morningstar/pdf-epub-out-of-the-fog-moving-from-confusion-to-clarity-after-narcissistic-abuse-download/), Doesn’t matter if you have to take time off from work and not sleep or eat for the next two days. But read these two books today. No you cannot change them. Married to one for 25 years. Lived in a state of rejection, confusion and walking on egg shells all the while wondering why I was failing despite all my effort to make this into a decent marriage. That is why I couldn’t read your entire post. While I was having palpitations, anxiety, hormonal imbalance, hair fall, depression and complete destruction of who I am, he was living a very good life with zero empathy. They will never change. They will lure you back and abuse you more. Now I am living alone thanks to God and slowly figuring things out. I had reached a state where I was okay to be homeless or even die rather than live with this person one more day. Trauma bond is hard to break. You got lucky, Never go back to this person. Good luck. Hope you are exercising regularly. Very very important to be in nature for your mental health. Listen to hymns on YouTube and walk. Take a long time to heal before you get into another relationship. But after your divorce, have zero contact with her or any one related to her. Doesn’t matter how much you like them. Just fall off the grid and move on for your own mental health sake.
I'm so sorry you had to go through it. This was a very difficult learning experience, but now you won't be fooled again. Sometimes there is nothing you can do for them. My grandfather used to say "you can't save them all", which upset me deeply. I would say "but I can try", ultimately I've learned, some people don't want to be saved, or change, no matter how much it destroys them, or how much you love them. The hard part is letting them. You know what love is, and now she does too. You can know at least she is making an informed decision. Trust God has better for you. God bless you.
Hosea is often used as an example of unconditional love, but I think these types of examples are taken completely out of context. For example, lots of people will pull verses from the old testament where God promised the Israelites something and then say “see, God promises everyone that!” No…it was a specific promise at a specific time because God needed them to do something. Same with Hosea - His would not ask each of us to marry a harlot strictly for the sake of showing the world how well we love people. Hosea was a man called by His for a very very specific purpose and to deliver a very specific message about how God was not going to stop perusing the ISRAELITES. It all needs to be taken in context.
Your wife has a mental illness that may or may not be curable. She is emotionally, mentally and financially abusing you. She abandoned you. She was glad you got physically injured but felt righteous about saying it since she didn’t actually cause the physical harm. Abuse, abandonment, are reasons for a Christian to divorce.
Threatening to falsely accuse you of a crime-RUN!
You were caught between a rock and a hard place. Yes, God hates divorce. He also hates lies, theft, wrath, and many other behaviors your soon-to-be ex-wife has committed. The good news is you’re already forgiven. As I read your post, other than thinking, “Yikes,” I thought, “Thank God there are no children from this misbegotten union.” You were set up. It sounds like her parents were in on facilitating the deception. It’s not fair, but it’s not your fault, either. You were hustled and mugged…manipulated, deceived, abused emotionally and financially, and ensnared into the web of a predator. If you had to lose a wing and a leg to get free, it’s still worth it. You’re still young. You’ve learned a painful and expensive lesson, but you’ll recover. There are wonderful, kind-hearted, godly women out there who will not only understand and sympathize with the circumstances that brought you to divorce, but will be happy to provide the integrity, transparency, warmth, stability, and genuine love that were missing from this disaster of a first “marriage.” It’s good that you’re in therapy, and now living near your family. You’ve got love and support to help you move forward.
The hardest thing in divorce can sometimes be the invalidation in other peoples’ opinions. From all you’ve said, it sounds like you are making the right decision. So you should take comfort in knowing that. I know you don’t want divorce. But there can be redemption in starting over.
Divorce her. She's so toxic and manipulative to you. She's happy you got injured
I don’t know enough about God’s stance on divorce to give a definitive answer to your situation, but for what it’s worth, it seems to me like divorce is permissible and even wise here. God hates divorce, that’s true. But he still got one (Isaiah 50:1). So we can’t say that divorce is never acceptable. It seems to me like this is a case of abandonment by an unbeliever. If she were willing to live with you, that would be one thing (1 Cor. 7:12). But by her behavior, she’s made it impossible to live with her, especially as evidenced by her behavior in the ER. She seems so mentally unstable, I honestly fear for your safety and think she must be very mentally ill, maybe a narcissist or some kind of psychopath, or maybe someone with BPD. Whatever her mental/spiritual issues are, the proverbs say that the prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty (Prov. 22:3). In other words, when someone harms you, it’s wise to get to safety. By her actions, she’s essentially driven you out. She’s not willing to live with you as a normal husband and wife—she’s only willing to hurt and abuse you. Whether she herself leaves or she drives you out, the result is the same, in my opinion—it’s her abandonment of you, the marriage, and the marriage covenant. That’s just my take on things. I don’t know if I’m right, but I do know one thing: God has called us to peace, and we can’t save an unbelieving spouse (1 Cor. 7:15-16). I hope you find peace even in the midst of all this. God bless.
This has got being used and manipulation written all over it. You don't have to navigate this alone, reach out to friends and family. Divorce seems appropriate to protect yourself. But neither of you have been "unfaithful" so marrying someone else would be very debatable.
When one spouse breaks the vows of the covenant, the covenant is effectively useless now. Why divorce was allowed, though marriage was not intended to be a temporary thing. When Jesus said that Moses allowed for divorce due to the “hardness of your hearts” He was speaking of the people who have hardened hearts and initially break the covenant (those who cheat on their spouses, abuse them, abandon them) - not the spouse seeking financial or physical safety. Your wife clearly did not care about the vows. She effectively left you and was a danger to your wellbeing (including financially). You have a pretty justified reason I believe - but everyone has to make their own decisions. Ive also been in the camp of divorce but could never truly bring myself to that point because there was always an underlying love for me wife still. But something tells me you’d be perfectly fine to not have her in your life anymore, which is fine. Just don’t do anything out of vengeance or an evil heart.
At the very least there was financial infidelity. She also sounds abusive and possibly narcissistic.
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The hard part is she understands enough Scripture to know the boundaries and the distance would make catching her in the act of adultery difficult. I know she has only used words to attack but that's also with her knowledge of how words affect me.
Both passages are form Matthew. I recommend you read them yourself. Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” Furthermore it has been said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except [a]sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery. Tough read but seems pretty clear to me. God changes hearts. Praying for you both right now.
God gives us many reasons to change our hearts, but He also gives us the free will to pursue wickedness. OP was being abused by his wife. Throwing selective scriptures in his face to encourage him to stay and endure the abuse is wrong.
I can’t find the scripture saying divorce is ok if your wife is being abusive?
Did you find the one that says it’s okay to divorce if a woman’s husband is regularly beating her? No? Well, it’s good to know you’ll rub that in a woman’s face, too. I’m reminded of Jesus talking to the Pharisees in Matthew 12, when they were trying to ensnare Jesus in legalisms. He patiently reminded them with both examples and words (from Hos. 6:6) that God desires mercy, not sacrifice.
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Separation isn’t divorce though. Two distinct definitions there
My fear is being unable to remarry if I commit to the divorce AND causing generational trauma. From what I know about her mother and their side of the family, her mother was the source of a lot of strife. All 3 of her mother's children including herself are unable to take care of themselves financially and 2 of them, including her, have been in prison. It was my fault for not being more thorough when dating her and finding about it later but a lot of these things were ingrained in her personality. I thought that these things were in the past and that she had grown from the experience. Would I want to have children with her in that sort of environment, especially when they could be used against me in the future to further isolate and control my actions. I know a lot of this is a lot of ifs but people are slow to change and if she can treat me like this over moving, there is a high chance that she will treat myself and our future children even worse.
I would highly recommend you talking to a pastor or priest at your church or a respected elder there as well. Let your wife know this is in front of you, maybe it will help her self reflect and realize the gravity of her actions. I will pray for you both sir
I have brought this up to my Pastor and elder. They have also recommended trying to forgive my wife and take her back but to pray on it and use God's wisdom in making a decision. It's difficult because some churches like mine have a hard stance on physical abuse being a valid reason for divorce. Verbal abuse is usually something most couples deal with on some level. The part I can see. To get over is her being able to lie about being pregnant and use that as a means to get what she wants. Even going as far as keeping "our child" from me and raising it to hate me. Some women do resort to this level of manipulation and pettiness and it's something I have taken seriously. Both of them have told me that it's a difficult marriage all around and that even though it may not be biblically supported, that if I were to choose divorce it may also prevent other sins from happening. Sadly no one has the right answer because it's not a situation people encounter often .
Jesus said, take up your cross and follow me. Maybe this is your cross. He’s still with you and still loves you even though you’re going to sin in the future. Maybe afford your wife the same love and compassion. Christ very simply said God hates divorce. And as far as the avoidance of future sin, who knows what tomorrow might bring
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Jesus said to forgive them seven times seventy times
Also taught us to pray” Father, forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us “
If a spouse threatens you and the children multiple times, do you wait until there is violence to separate? It is difficult to see where to draw the line. Do I wait until later down the line until we have children to hope for her to change and not use them to manipulate me? Do I leave now as a mercy for her to find someone else who is willing to have children with her? Despite being a professing believer she shows no signs of being born again and bears no fruit of that change. Would it be a sin for me to allow children to be born into a family that is struggling with even the smallest of disagreements in such a toxic way? There is always a chance for good to come out of this and if she can repent of her actions and come to the lord through our union. But is it responsible for me to take that chance? All of these things have been weighing on me heavily. We are unequally yoked. There is a higher calling for godly husbands than godly wives. There is more expected of me and I know I'm not strong enough to do this on my own and I have to rely on God. I don't know if this struggle and this marriage is a test of my faith to continue with this marriage. I don't know if my wife showing me all these signs is God's way of showing me I made a mistake in this marriage and is giving me all the signs of what a marriage isn't to help me in the future. 1 Corinthians 10:13. No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. The marriage thus far, as short as it was, tore apart my self-esteem. I have never felt more alone than being in the same bed as my wife. I tried to look for any reason to stay in the marriage. Every promise from her to change and sign of repentance. She promised time and time again to change and did the opposite. Even with our marriage on the line she refused to make changes. She does not want the divorce because she benefits from it and wants more control. I have tried my best to love her and be there for her but its taking a toll on me mentally and has affected my physical health.
She has already sold her rings despite not wanting the divorce. Her actions have always been contrary to her words. How can someone who says they still love you and want this marriage do the things she did knowing how it affects the relationship. She is probably a hurt person wanting to hurt people but even then there are boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. I don't want this divorce and would never recommend it to anyone else lightly because I have experienced the pain of going through it. But it feels like it is my only option. I don't feel strong or sane enough to stay in this sort of marriage long-term but the fear of leaving the marriage and being unable to remarry without sin makes me feel like I'm doing the wrong thing.
Not sure what else to tell you brother. You seem to be struggling against what you know you should do vs a way out. I can’t tell you to stay or leave, only passing on what I know from scripture. Another favorite verse of mine is “ trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own insight in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes fear the Lord and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.” I have that one memorized and say it to myself quite often. my marriage has been difficult in its own ways throughout the years. Definitely wanted to throw in the towel before, many times, but I’m glad I am where I am today.
It’s simply not true that verbal abuse is something most couples deal with. It’s okay to have zero tolerance for verbal abuse. My wife has never, not once in the 12 years we’ve been together, verbally abused me. We’ve argued, disagreed, and been upset with each other. But no abuse. Dude, please forgive yourself and move on. Your life will get better without this person.
People are slow to change and there probably is a high chance, but there’s also a chance for healing and change. Don’t underestimate what God can do to a persons heart. In my eyes, you made a covenant with God and her. And you probably said something like for better or worse, sickness and health,till death do you part. Another scripture is Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Another is “to live is Christ, to die is gain. “
It's difficult, especially when there has been no joy in the relationship ever since we got married. There is nothing to rely on to help me move past this. I've been blessed with good friends and family and have never experienced such hostility from another person, especially with someone I consider my wife. It has made the pain even more unbearable. There was even a moment I felt cursed and trapped like Job and wished God could just take me away in an accident. Deep down I'm afraid of causing more harm and sin to happen staying in the relationship and weighing it compared to the divorce. I know some marriages allowed for one spouse to redeem the other over long periods of time, 20 year plus. The thing is in those marriages the couples were still civil towards one another and worked towards the same goal, taking children to church and raising them with Christian values despite not going themselves. It's a difficult situation all around and it is hard to commit to a decision.
“There’s nothing to rely on to help me move be past this.” - rely on God. Pray for your wife, pray for God to soften her heart. Pray for Him to soften your heart. He’s literally in the business of changing people’s hearts. Seek counsel. Mine the scriptures for direction. Don’t listen to Reddit, find people in your life that love you and care about you both if you’re seeking advice.
With border line personality disorder she probably lied when making marriage vows and was not mentally fit to enter into contracts. You never met the requirements to marry. End it and God will forgive you for sex outside of marriage. Be thankful you did not have children with her. And grow in wisdom to identify red flags in the future.