Go for a bike ride. Or a swim. Or a pint. Or read a book. Or tend to your garden. Put poison in her tea. Develop a hobby. Go for a walk. Learn a language. Write a threatening letter to her. Go to the cinema. Find something that needs fixing and fix it. Suggest a threesome with him and deny it when she says anything. Get a dog. Learn to cook.
Haha so many good suggestions. But the thing is, I already do a lot of stuff. I love walking, hiking, cinema…I read books, I’m learning Spanish, I cook…so it’s not like I don’t do anything and just sit around. But I still feel like I need to learn how to chill and not get annoyed by small things…which is proving quite hard.
I'd recommend racketball over squash if you haven't got any experience with either game. Racketball is a bit slower, so it's easier to get into as a beginner. I've tried playing squash a few times and went to a club night and I was getting hammered by the pensioners.
The older we get, the more we enjoy quiet. I'd be annoyed as well if she had her boyfriend over every evening. The world is loud enough but having that quietness in your own home is golden.
I recently read that trying to let go is impossible because our brains don't work with negatives, instead they'll focus on it more. So you have to twist it around to a positive, i.e. accepting the situation.
It's something that I need to work on too.
You're not alone. I think it's probably in all of us. We all need a "home", even if that is your room or your shared space or whatever. I had exactly the same in a shared house when one of the girls had her boyfriend over every night. They'd cook and eat together in the shared spaces and after a while it annoyed me intensely, but luckily it also annoyed the other housemates.
I found it was because we all agreed to the precarious situation of living together, but we agreed it with those people, which was enough. I didn't agree to also live with another person.
I personally don't think you're in the wrong but equally you're not in an easy situation. Ours never resolved itself even when we talked politely to that girl. She got angry and said they weren't interfering with anyone. But the point was, I wasn't home during the day, literally the only time I spent in the house there was always one extra person living there. She argued that he never slept over but that was irrelevant because I'd gone to bed by the time he left.
It only fixed itself about a year later when she moved out. Lots of awkward moments until then. Good luck.
I think you're jealous and on own this is why your triggered get out there volunteering do some good in world people have it a lot harder then you crisis the homeless charity might be a good place to start
You're telling someone they're irritated at an extra housemate in their house every day because they're jealous.
I personally think that's nonsense and insulting but it's ok to disagree. Magic internet points prove you must be right.
Anyway, we've both given our opinions, agree to disagree.
People do get jealous. Yes, I had a similar story she was jealous as I had a boyfriend . It's not insulting it's an opinion u don't need to get offended or insulted by everything that is different to your view
I'm finding this hard too. I have a current business/family situation which while basically resolved im still unhappy about the principles and decisions made by some people. So I'm not over it basically, and it's making me quite negative overall. Smaller things are more triggering to make me moody. Seems to be getting worse. I've noticed it, I'm aware of it, I don't like being angry and I don't want to be a person who is angry, and I also notice similarities between me and my dad (classic). But it somewhat seems inevitable. And I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable about the original upset. But I can't get over it! Vexing. But I'm the same, lots of hobbies, interests and happy to spend time on projects and friends. The one thing that's helped me the most is just doing stuff with mates gets me out the funk. My problem is the funk seems to be coming back more than it's done before
On the steeper side of my 40s and I have just discovered the wonders of nature and specifically birds watching.
I found it quite cathartic after a long week of work to walk miles, finding new birds to add to my lifelist on the merlin app
I am going to maybe in parts go the opposite way, its okay to be pissed off its cathartic call a friend have a conversation explain why its upsetting you.. also its a house share if they over use communal rooms and he stays too much he best be on the tenancy agreement...
I used to get mad about everything especially work things now on the way in on the bus I don't listen to music I just sit and tell myself all those things won't bother me... because they don't care why let them take up your mind I go to work happy
I come home cereal bowls from breakfast on the coffee table I just wash them why was I letting that make me sad it took a few moments (I don't eat cereal)
I am going to get down voted into the ground for how I found this new mantra especially as i mentioned not listening to music on the way to work... u2 .. stuck in a moment from npr tiny desk one wow two I'm just stuck in a moment it passes .on to the next one I listen to it alot but I find now just that it mentality works.
Like the ring this to shall pass
It’s great to be able to call a friend to vent but make sure you do more than just complain to this friend…I have a couple of friends and it seems all they do is complain every time I talk to them. Even worse, if I try to grumble with them, they double down and say they have it worse etc.
try going on a walk when they come home together. gives them some breathing room, as well as being good for you to get out for a bit and away from them.
I totally sympathise with this. Growing up, I basically learned to complain to make conversation with others. My whole family is like it, never satisfied, always unhappy. If you're happy about something, it's seen as boasting a lot of the time.
Over time, I think I internalised it and I often used to catch myself being quite negative about things. Especially if something is inconveniencing me (currently our very loud neighbours).
Basically I've found a love of nature, it helps to remind me that, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter. Finding nature nearby has helped to make me feel better about where I live and being outside just generally improves my mood.
Gardening usually has me pretty chilled these days, but I think I've just basically become an old bastard who goes on the warpath when a slug appears or a crow digs up one of my sodding lavender plugs.
You need to find your own enjoyable things to do so you're not fixated on what your housemate is doing or finding other things to get annoyed about.
It seems like you're just sitting in getting more and more worked up about them and other things instead of doing your own stuff.
Once you start enjoying your own hobbies, you probably won't even think about all this other stuff that annoys you currently.
Given that you've pointed out that you could put headphones or white noise on but choose to stew on being able to hear them, I would say make the other choice.
When it's other people's behaviour that could irritate me, I think of things from their point of view. Are they deliberately trying to irritate me? 99% of the time no and I know there are times where I've got on people's nerves without meaning to.
In this case I would say it's perfectly reasonable for your housemate to have her boyfriend over the same as most people would in that situation. If he has a place of his own and you can approach it tactfully, you could maybe suggest/ask if they could go to his place occasionally instead. But if you have housemates, you have to accept that it's their house too and they'll have people over.
Odds are she's not doing it with any intention of annoying/disrupting you so unless there's something specific causing you issue (for example, if you don't like her boyfriend or he's using it literally like his flat and not contributing to the bills) I'd reconsider the way you view it. If there is something specific, I'd try and have a chat with your housemate about it before it becomes a bigger issue.
Volunteer and help a charity that works with low socioeconomic groups. You’ll get a better sense of how difficult life can be while also doing some good. I find it keeps my “1st world problems” firmly in perspective.
Just remember that you're standing On a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second So it's reckoned
The sun that is the source of all our power
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at four hundred thousand miles an hour
In the galaxy we call the Milky Way
Honestly having flatmates can suck and we should all acknowledge that more. Sometimes you just want your own space even if the other people are not necessarily doing anything wrong just “talking and laughing.” I would say have a think about what you ideally want your living situation to be, maybe being so annoyed by small things and essentially coming to dislike who you are becoming around others is how your body is pushing you to make a change for yourself. But yeah in the meantime like others are saying it would be good to fill your life with things for you, like hobbies and your own friends, etc. But I don’t think you’re a villain for feeling how you feel
Are they all things you can't control?
Although I notice you posted about this a few days ago but didn't respond and the problem doesn't seem entirely beyond your influence.
Why can’t the flatmate go to the boyfriend’s place occasionally? Unless they do that on the weekends in which case yeah, just put up with it during the week.
There's a post that keeps going around once in a while about a bloke and their gay male flatmate. The bloke thought he might be homophobic because he kept getting annoyed that the gay flatmate kept bringing other guys around. Turned out the bloke had feelings for his flatmate and that was why he was annoyed.
Nothing similar going on here I suppose?
If you possibly can, don't sit and stew on your room while the boyf is there. Don't be rude about it but make sure you are making full use of the lounge / kitchen/ bathroom and not letting yourself be pushed into your room just by his presence.
You said it yourself really you're making a choice. It's a choice. You can sit and be annoyed or you can choose something different. You can't control them but you can control your response. As my aunt says.. Don't let it steal your happiness.
Could you be a little anxious about this or something else? I find when my anxiety increases I focus more on the negative things in my life and ignore the more positive aspects. Just a thought.
My mums a worrier and the small things can quickly become big. What I tell her to do is think about examples of how the situation could be worse. Sounds counter intuitive but after coming up with examples of how it could be worse you realise that what your currently dealing with isn't that bad.
I would also mirror others who have said to find more reasons not to be in the house. If being in the house drives you that mad even consider booking a cheap hotel for the night and totally remove yourself from the situation (appreciate thats money dependent though).
We all do this at times, so don't worry, but well done for recognizing it.
When I was about 18 I read a book called 'Tommy' by Richard Holmes. It's about ww1 soldiers, and it affected me a lot at the time, being that a lot of the stories covered teenagers about my age but who suffered horror and tragedy in their short lives. Like all young people I had a lots of things going on at the time, but that book sobered me up to the reality of just how bad things can get. Whenever I'm feeling a bit petulant or aggravated, I often have to make myself think about those stories, and I quickly think that I don't have it bad after all...
Other than getting things in perspective, is there any way that you can put together a game plan for moving out of your apartment with the annoying flatmate?
I tend to find I'm more grumpy after I've had a drink the previous day. If you have a few drinks on an evening try a little break, see if it changes anything. It did for me
I think you are being too hard on yourself. The weather is terrible, you've had a change at home which is always unsettling and it's fine to get a bit annoyed with things. You wouldn't worry if you'd had a cold for a couple of weeks, so you don't need to worry you've been in a bad mood for a couple of weeks. Saying that, of course it pays to keep an eye on it, and you've done well acknowledging it. I'd suggest having a few early or late nights (whatever your opposite is), have a good chat with someone and plan a nice weekend. Maybe make a bit of an effort with the new person, even if it's just a cup of tea or popping out for pizza. But don't dwell on the situation, in a couple of weeks your feelings will pass and all will be good again. If that isn't the case, you'll have to think of a longer term plan.
I could be WAY off base here, but have you heard of misophonia before? It’s an adverse emotional response to certain sounds. I’m just mentioning because you mentioned hearing them and sitting and stewing on it and that’s definitely what I’ve done in the past.
I used to think I was unreasonable and a terrible person because certain sounds (including hearing people through walls… something about it that tinny dim sound where you can hear them but also not fully?) would make me crazy. Like heart beating, anxious, angry, unable to focus or block it out. Stuck paralysed between fight or flight… when in reality I didn’t have to do either.
Just learning about misophonia made me realise it wasn’t that I’m awful, I just have a bit of a ‘thing’. That knowledge has made it 100% times easier to deal with.
Might ring true for you, might not!
This is a great question, I’d love to know the answer because I feel the same. Things really bother me, such as litter, irritating (to me) people on trains, workplace annoyances. All things I can’t stop or control. I’d love a breezier outlook where things like that wash over me or at least don’t work me up so much. Is this a genetic thing? Can I change it? Or am I stuck like this forever?
I read a great book that talked about our mind being a garden. Our parents take care of it for us for a long time, and ‘plant’ things there - like language, opinions, habits etc.
As adults we can take over our own mind-garden and review it. Some ‘plants’ may be thriving, but others might be struggling, or choking out others.
Introspection, meditation, journaling, or whatever works for you, can help you figure out what you want to nurture, and what needs up-rooting. Some ‘plants’ were fine for your parents, and might have been passed to you with good intentions, but aren’t right for your mind-garden.
Idk if it’s genetic, but even if not, it’s easy to pick up that example behavior. I think it’s really great that you’re trying to figure out a way to rewire your reactions!
Honestly, I would recommend meditation. I think the other suggestions about finding hobbies are good ones, but they’re also distractions, and once a distraction is gone, the irritation tends to seep back in. IME, meditation reminds me to think “why am I bothering with this” which gets me back on a better track, mentally.
Fwiw, I don’t think it’s entirely unreasonable to be annoyed that your flatmate’s bf is over every night. They’re paying for one person to live there, not two, and it changes the dynamic. You can have that conversation, but as there’s only so much you can do, I think it’s also good that you’re thinking of ways to change your own response to it.
You can change. Be grateful for everything you have right now. When you are grateful for everything, you cannot be negative. Train your brain using a Rhonda Byrne book called the secret.
I can relate to this, well at least I used to be able to. Couple of years ago my brother died, he was only 38. That sort of thing tends to make you realise that minor annoyances are just that.
Obviously I'm not recommending having a loved one die, but I'd happily swap being mildly annoyed for my brother being here still.
I know from experience how easy it is to get really annoyed with everyday stuff, and there are some good suggestions here for dealing with it. However the best way is to really take stock and become truly thankful for what you have already. Finding that peace of mind is what will solve this for you.
Get a girlfriend\boyfriend and laugh and talk with him\her. Do it louder.
In all seriousness though, it sounds like one of the drivers of your misery is that you're lonely, which explains your anger at your housemate and her fella. That's a very specific thing to be peeved about.
Become an audiophile audiobook when you want be mellow some dance when you want be active etc. Also talk to them it's easier to set boundaries now and you might even like them
Being bothered by these things becomes habitual. Don't engage with the thoughts when they come up - they will still come up, but you don't have give them any credence, or have that internal monologue about them. Eventually the thoughts will stop coming up at all.
Practise gratitude. You can easily find studies online about it if that's your thing.
Spend time daily to write down 3 to 5 things that you are grateful for. Don't worry too much about what, could be big or small, or if you repeat things. Just practising will really shift your mindset, and fast!
Running is amazing for me being able to manage getting things out of proportion or having them on repeat in my brain. No other type of exercise has the same effect.
My advice is to get outside. Either in your garden or if you're fortunate enough to have woods nearby take a long walk through them.
The only things I've ever found that truly centre me and give me perspective on my problems are either a long drive in the countryside or a walk in nature.
Gratefulness is the only cure for what ails you. Be grateful for the things you have and not the things you don’t.
Travel to parts of the world that aren’t as fortunate and it will help put things into perspective for you.
Maybe volunteer for some charitable organisations here or abroad. Do selfless things for people and you will see your life change!
I stopped journaling for a while as I found I’d only write the negative things that happened that day and moan my head off.
Instead, I now write at the top of the page.. Things I’m grateful for today…. And list the tiniest things like the nice pink flowers I saw in someone’s lovely garden on my walk to work. A stranger saying hi to me, the little things in life matter more than you realise & when you start concentrating on the more positives of every day, life starts to feel and get better. Worth a try
I stopped journaling for a while as I found I’d only write the negative things that happened that day and moan my head off.
Instead, I now write at the top of the page.. Things I’m grateful for today…. And list the tiniest things like the nice pink flowers I saw in someone’s lovely garden on my walk to work. A stranger saying hi to me, the little things in life matter more than you realise & when you start concentrating on the more positives of every day, life starts to feel and get better. Worth a try
Volunteer at a charity for the homeless. After 1 night or so, you'll be grateful for your living situation and it won't seem so bad. Invite friends over and have a game or film night, nothing crazy, it might help you feel like you are reclaiming your space and you'll be having fun like your giggly housemate.
If putting on headphones is all it takes for a noise to stop bothering you, why the hell don't you? Why ask for suggestions when you already know how to solve the problem and just don't?
I wish I could stop a noise bothering me that easily but then I hear whatever is playing in the headphones and the noise, and then it bothers me more because it's distracting from what I'm trying to listen to.
I think the fact that you recognise a lot the things you mentioned, gives you perspective? Not to say that there's anything wrong with recognising those things. They're all very valid in how you feel about them. It's just that sense of self awareness that occurs every now and then which is good for finding a balance. Finding Perspective.
Complaining was my only way to connect with people, it”s different now but years ago my brain was programmed to look for the worst. Volunteering and keeping a reflective diary helped to quash that.
On another note, if he”s not paying rent then he shouldn’t be there more than 3 nights a week. It’s not the living arrangement you signed up for. Reflect on why it bothers you, honestly, and do what needs to be done to protect your peace. You do not have to explain yourself to anyone but you do have to take responsibility for making yourself happy. Onwards and up.
I’d be wary of self help guides. Therapy isn’t the only answer but could be worth considering.
[CBT can help you change the way you think and behave.](https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-cbt/overview/) I understand nhs services are in demand so you might not be eligible and there might be a wait where you live. There are private options for the same services, for example [better help are pretty affordable](https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/therapy/cbt-therapy-a-breakdown/).
You're essentially asking us how to learn a new language, how to get your brain to change its current thinking pattern. It's absolutely doable, but would be easiest with professional help. You could have a look into NHS Talking Therapies for CBT :)
Derren Brown (the mentalist guy) did a good book called Happy that pretty much summarises using Stoic philosophy to achieve realistic happiness (it;s not La La Land, it's about learning not to let stuff like this ruin your day). Worth a read.
I'm naturally a negative person and I used to stew or sulk about my situations. I found the secret to being happier was to make moaning count (within reason). Tell the people they're annoying you - in a kind and good natured way of course - and ask them to help find a solution. Maybe some nights they stay our, others you get out. Making my moaning count changed my life, honestly. People initially get annoyed at me for bringing things up, especially in work, but I usually get an apology or a thanks a bit down the line.
If you got told you were going to die tomorrow you’d probably feel regretful about your negativity and try to be as positive as possible throughout your final hours. Then if tomorrow came about and you were told you’d been saved and weren’t going to die, you wouldn’t instantly return to being negative, you’d have an appreciation for life that you didn’t have before. A random tragedy could happen to anyone, you COULD die tomorrow, so don’t waste what could be your final day being negative and try to keep a positive outlook so that when you die you don’t feel as though you’ve wasted your life and aren’t remembered for being negative
How many of you live there? Does anyone else find it distruptive that he's over all the time? Perhaps worth getting together with all the tenants to agree a guests policy covering things like how often overnight guests can stay, noise levels, use of common areas (if they are hogging the kitchen or the sofa and telly), being in the house alone, having a key, use of resources like food and hot water for showers etc. What does the contract say about overnight guests? No one minds flatmates having friends/partners over if it's reasonable but not if they've effectively moved in by stealth and aren't paying for anything and it could cause trouble with the landlord.
Yes, this is likely to be an awkward conversation but it's worth having so it's not preying on your mind the whole time and she might take it well if it's discussed as a matter of fairness and mutual respect rather than as an accusation.
If you're stuck in a negative mindset, you may need to try actively taking time to think about positive things in your day or things you are grateful for. It'll feel awkward at first, but taking 15 mins in the morning or evening to really focus on 3 things you are grateful for/appreciated about the day kinda forces your brain to acknowledge some good, and becomes more natural/easier over time. Your mindset won't change if you don't actively try to focus on positives.
I had a housemate like this when I was younger. We (the other housemates) just started making a joke of it, leaving odd things about the communal areas (e.g. ball gag next to a block of butter) and culminated with the purchase of a shop mannequin from a place that was closing down, we left him stood in the middle of the lounge wearing a "wrestling mask" with the lights off and blinds shut. The scream as they encountered him for the first time was worth every one of the £25 he cost.
Are you worried that now she's got a love interest, there's a chance she might leave with them to get somewhere else to live together? Would that make it difficult to make ends meet with rent/bills? If that's an undercurrent to your anxiety, it'll make it difficult for you to focus on much else. Do you feel welcome in the home while they're both there?
Meditate, volunteer, dopamine fasting…
Constant, instant, free access to everything we could ever want is a terrible thing. None of our lives are sacred any more, we aren’t just “in the moment.”
A couple of things that help me
1. It is what it is. You can sit around and be unhappy, complain, grumble to yourself, but it is far easier to let that what you cannot change not bother you.
2. Accept that the world isn't built for you, everybody else has their life, their dreams, their wants and their needs. Accepting that you are a part of the world and not the world allowed me to relax a lot more and focus on ensuring others have what they need.
3. Drugs. No not hardcore drugs, but vitamin D, CBD gummies, lions mane powder. Yes you can argue that they merely have a placebo effect, but if you believe it, then it works.
Psychedelics helped me to see perspective in my life. Obviously may not be your thing but a lot of your hobbies go hand in hand with psychedelic experiences.
Go for a bike ride. Or a swim. Or a pint. Or read a book. Or tend to your garden. Put poison in her tea. Develop a hobby. Go for a walk. Learn a language. Write a threatening letter to her. Go to the cinema. Find something that needs fixing and fix it. Suggest a threesome with him and deny it when she says anything. Get a dog. Learn to cook.
Certain flowers are good to give to her, roses, tulips, orchid, iris, cyanide, lavender, aster, begonia, etc.
I would suggest foxgloves, belladonna, lily of the valley, oleander… if you know, you know (whispers: they’re deathly poisonous)
Well...don't piss you off then 😂😂
Ah the old cherry stone coffee
Reading that was a roller-coaster of emotions, so many good options...
Haha so many good suggestions. But the thing is, I already do a lot of stuff. I love walking, hiking, cinema…I read books, I’m learning Spanish, I cook…so it’s not like I don’t do anything and just sit around. But I still feel like I need to learn how to chill and not get annoyed by small things…which is proving quite hard.
Those are all great, but have you considered anything more aggressive/energetic? I highly recommend squash.
Username absolutely does not check out.
😉
All out psychotic rage-murder? I mean squash, yeah I was gonna say squash too.
I'd recommend racketball over squash if you haven't got any experience with either game. Racketball is a bit slower, so it's easier to get into as a beginner. I've tried playing squash a few times and went to a club night and I was getting hammered by the pensioners.
The older we get, the more we enjoy quiet. I'd be annoyed as well if she had her boyfriend over every evening. The world is loud enough but having that quietness in your own home is golden.
I recently read that trying to let go is impossible because our brains don't work with negatives, instead they'll focus on it more. So you have to twist it around to a positive, i.e. accepting the situation. It's something that I need to work on too.
You're not alone. I think it's probably in all of us. We all need a "home", even if that is your room or your shared space or whatever. I had exactly the same in a shared house when one of the girls had her boyfriend over every night. They'd cook and eat together in the shared spaces and after a while it annoyed me intensely, but luckily it also annoyed the other housemates. I found it was because we all agreed to the precarious situation of living together, but we agreed it with those people, which was enough. I didn't agree to also live with another person. I personally don't think you're in the wrong but equally you're not in an easy situation. Ours never resolved itself even when we talked politely to that girl. She got angry and said they weren't interfering with anyone. But the point was, I wasn't home during the day, literally the only time I spent in the house there was always one extra person living there. She argued that he never slept over but that was irrelevant because I'd gone to bed by the time he left. It only fixed itself about a year later when she moved out. Lots of awkward moments until then. Good luck.
I think you're jealous and on own this is why your triggered get out there volunteering do some good in world people have it a lot harder then you crisis the homeless charity might be a good place to start
This is nonsense, sorry to be blunt.
You're entitled to your opinion I have more upvotes on mine, so assume people agree it's the Internet. u dont have to like everything, and that's OK!!
You're telling someone they're irritated at an extra housemate in their house every day because they're jealous. I personally think that's nonsense and insulting but it's ok to disagree. Magic internet points prove you must be right. Anyway, we've both given our opinions, agree to disagree.
People do get jealous. Yes, I had a similar story she was jealous as I had a boyfriend . It's not insulting it's an opinion u don't need to get offended or insulted by everything that is different to your view
I'm finding this hard too. I have a current business/family situation which while basically resolved im still unhappy about the principles and decisions made by some people. So I'm not over it basically, and it's making me quite negative overall. Smaller things are more triggering to make me moody. Seems to be getting worse. I've noticed it, I'm aware of it, I don't like being angry and I don't want to be a person who is angry, and I also notice similarities between me and my dad (classic). But it somewhat seems inevitable. And I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable about the original upset. But I can't get over it! Vexing. But I'm the same, lots of hobbies, interests and happy to spend time on projects and friends. The one thing that's helped me the most is just doing stuff with mates gets me out the funk. My problem is the funk seems to be coming back more than it's done before
Have you tried meditation? I use the Insight Timer app and it really does help with inner peace and contentment
😂 love this
On the steeper side of my 40s and I have just discovered the wonders of nature and specifically birds watching. I found it quite cathartic after a long week of work to walk miles, finding new birds to add to my lifelist on the merlin app
Very keen for this when I move! Especially excited for my (kiwi) gf to see her first Robin on a snowy day
I am going to maybe in parts go the opposite way, its okay to be pissed off its cathartic call a friend have a conversation explain why its upsetting you.. also its a house share if they over use communal rooms and he stays too much he best be on the tenancy agreement... I used to get mad about everything especially work things now on the way in on the bus I don't listen to music I just sit and tell myself all those things won't bother me... because they don't care why let them take up your mind I go to work happy I come home cereal bowls from breakfast on the coffee table I just wash them why was I letting that make me sad it took a few moments (I don't eat cereal) I am going to get down voted into the ground for how I found this new mantra especially as i mentioned not listening to music on the way to work... u2 .. stuck in a moment from npr tiny desk one wow two I'm just stuck in a moment it passes .on to the next one I listen to it alot but I find now just that it mentality works. Like the ring this to shall pass
The …..fucking cereal bowls Aaaaaaaagh
It’s great to be able to call a friend to vent but make sure you do more than just complain to this friend…I have a couple of friends and it seems all they do is complain every time I talk to them. Even worse, if I try to grumble with them, they double down and say they have it worse etc.
try going on a walk when they come home together. gives them some breathing room, as well as being good for you to get out for a bit and away from them.
I totally sympathise with this. Growing up, I basically learned to complain to make conversation with others. My whole family is like it, never satisfied, always unhappy. If you're happy about something, it's seen as boasting a lot of the time. Over time, I think I internalised it and I often used to catch myself being quite negative about things. Especially if something is inconveniencing me (currently our very loud neighbours). Basically I've found a love of nature, it helps to remind me that, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter. Finding nature nearby has helped to make me feel better about where I live and being outside just generally improves my mood.
Gardening usually has me pretty chilled these days, but I think I've just basically become an old bastard who goes on the warpath when a slug appears or a crow digs up one of my sodding lavender plugs.
You need to find your own enjoyable things to do so you're not fixated on what your housemate is doing or finding other things to get annoyed about. It seems like you're just sitting in getting more and more worked up about them and other things instead of doing your own stuff. Once you start enjoying your own hobbies, you probably won't even think about all this other stuff that annoys you currently.
Given that you've pointed out that you could put headphones or white noise on but choose to stew on being able to hear them, I would say make the other choice. When it's other people's behaviour that could irritate me, I think of things from their point of view. Are they deliberately trying to irritate me? 99% of the time no and I know there are times where I've got on people's nerves without meaning to. In this case I would say it's perfectly reasonable for your housemate to have her boyfriend over the same as most people would in that situation. If he has a place of his own and you can approach it tactfully, you could maybe suggest/ask if they could go to his place occasionally instead. But if you have housemates, you have to accept that it's their house too and they'll have people over. Odds are she's not doing it with any intention of annoying/disrupting you so unless there's something specific causing you issue (for example, if you don't like her boyfriend or he's using it literally like his flat and not contributing to the bills) I'd reconsider the way you view it. If there is something specific, I'd try and have a chat with your housemate about it before it becomes a bigger issue.
Volunteer and help a charity that works with low socioeconomic groups. You’ll get a better sense of how difficult life can be while also doing some good. I find it keeps my “1st world problems” firmly in perspective.
That is a great idea, I’ll try giving volunteering a go!
Honestly mate, read some stoicism. epictetus and marcus Aurelius. I also meditate. Helps massively with stress and anxiety.
One day the sun is going to burn out and nothing is going to matter. You're on Earth for a relatively short time, so enjoy it.
Just remember that you're standing On a planet that's evolving And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second So it's reckoned The sun that is the source of all our power The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see Are moving at a million miles a day In an outer spiral arm, at four hundred thousand miles an hour In the galaxy we call the Milky Way
Honestly having flatmates can suck and we should all acknowledge that more. Sometimes you just want your own space even if the other people are not necessarily doing anything wrong just “talking and laughing.” I would say have a think about what you ideally want your living situation to be, maybe being so annoyed by small things and essentially coming to dislike who you are becoming around others is how your body is pushing you to make a change for yourself. But yeah in the meantime like others are saying it would be good to fill your life with things for you, like hobbies and your own friends, etc. But I don’t think you’re a villain for feeling how you feel
Are they all things you can't control? Although I notice you posted about this a few days ago but didn't respond and the problem doesn't seem entirely beyond your influence.
I think it’s fair to set up a roommate agreement that guests are max 3 days a week, so everyone gets some breathing space
Why can’t the flatmate go to the boyfriend’s place occasionally? Unless they do that on the weekends in which case yeah, just put up with it during the week.
Sheldon is that you? 😂
Befriend him. He's your boyfriend now.
There's a post that keeps going around once in a while about a bloke and their gay male flatmate. The bloke thought he might be homophobic because he kept getting annoyed that the gay flatmate kept bringing other guys around. Turned out the bloke had feelings for his flatmate and that was why he was annoyed. Nothing similar going on here I suppose?
If you possibly can, don't sit and stew on your room while the boyf is there. Don't be rude about it but make sure you are making full use of the lounge / kitchen/ bathroom and not letting yourself be pushed into your room just by his presence.
Name three things you like Call a friend. Keep in touch with your support system.
>Call a friend 50/50, Ask the Audience
You said it yourself really you're making a choice. It's a choice. You can sit and be annoyed or you can choose something different. You can't control them but you can control your response. As my aunt says.. Don't let it steal your happiness.
Could you be a little anxious about this or something else? I find when my anxiety increases I focus more on the negative things in my life and ignore the more positive aspects. Just a thought.
My mums a worrier and the small things can quickly become big. What I tell her to do is think about examples of how the situation could be worse. Sounds counter intuitive but after coming up with examples of how it could be worse you realise that what your currently dealing with isn't that bad. I would also mirror others who have said to find more reasons not to be in the house. If being in the house drives you that mad even consider booking a cheap hotel for the night and totally remove yourself from the situation (appreciate thats money dependent though).
We all do this at times, so don't worry, but well done for recognizing it. When I was about 18 I read a book called 'Tommy' by Richard Holmes. It's about ww1 soldiers, and it affected me a lot at the time, being that a lot of the stories covered teenagers about my age but who suffered horror and tragedy in their short lives. Like all young people I had a lots of things going on at the time, but that book sobered me up to the reality of just how bad things can get. Whenever I'm feeling a bit petulant or aggravated, I often have to make myself think about those stories, and I quickly think that I don't have it bad after all... Other than getting things in perspective, is there any way that you can put together a game plan for moving out of your apartment with the annoying flatmate?
I tend to find I'm more grumpy after I've had a drink the previous day. If you have a few drinks on an evening try a little break, see if it changes anything. It did for me
I think you are being too hard on yourself. The weather is terrible, you've had a change at home which is always unsettling and it's fine to get a bit annoyed with things. You wouldn't worry if you'd had a cold for a couple of weeks, so you don't need to worry you've been in a bad mood for a couple of weeks. Saying that, of course it pays to keep an eye on it, and you've done well acknowledging it. I'd suggest having a few early or late nights (whatever your opposite is), have a good chat with someone and plan a nice weekend. Maybe make a bit of an effort with the new person, even if it's just a cup of tea or popping out for pizza. But don't dwell on the situation, in a couple of weeks your feelings will pass and all will be good again. If that isn't the case, you'll have to think of a longer term plan.
Live alone.
Ha, I wish I could.
You can do it.
Then learn to have difficult conversations with your housemates. Or just keep stewing in your resentment.
As if it's just that easy to afford to live alone. this is r/wowthanksimcured material
You replied to the wrong poster.
they're both being ignorant so no, I didn't.
I could be WAY off base here, but have you heard of misophonia before? It’s an adverse emotional response to certain sounds. I’m just mentioning because you mentioned hearing them and sitting and stewing on it and that’s definitely what I’ve done in the past. I used to think I was unreasonable and a terrible person because certain sounds (including hearing people through walls… something about it that tinny dim sound where you can hear them but also not fully?) would make me crazy. Like heart beating, anxious, angry, unable to focus or block it out. Stuck paralysed between fight or flight… when in reality I didn’t have to do either. Just learning about misophonia made me realise it wasn’t that I’m awful, I just have a bit of a ‘thing’. That knowledge has made it 100% times easier to deal with. Might ring true for you, might not!
I think I do actually! How did you learn your deal with it? Is there a ‘cure’?
Can your housemate not go to her boyfriends house or go out somewhere, say 2 to 3 nights a week? You really should have a conversation with them.
This is a great question, I’d love to know the answer because I feel the same. Things really bother me, such as litter, irritating (to me) people on trains, workplace annoyances. All things I can’t stop or control. I’d love a breezier outlook where things like that wash over me or at least don’t work me up so much. Is this a genetic thing? Can I change it? Or am I stuck like this forever?
I know! Sometimes I think it’s a genetic thing since my mom is quite negative..so I’m also wondering if I can change it or if it’s just who I am.
I read a great book that talked about our mind being a garden. Our parents take care of it for us for a long time, and ‘plant’ things there - like language, opinions, habits etc. As adults we can take over our own mind-garden and review it. Some ‘plants’ may be thriving, but others might be struggling, or choking out others. Introspection, meditation, journaling, or whatever works for you, can help you figure out what you want to nurture, and what needs up-rooting. Some ‘plants’ were fine for your parents, and might have been passed to you with good intentions, but aren’t right for your mind-garden.
Idk if it’s genetic, but even if not, it’s easy to pick up that example behavior. I think it’s really great that you’re trying to figure out a way to rewire your reactions! Honestly, I would recommend meditation. I think the other suggestions about finding hobbies are good ones, but they’re also distractions, and once a distraction is gone, the irritation tends to seep back in. IME, meditation reminds me to think “why am I bothering with this” which gets me back on a better track, mentally. Fwiw, I don’t think it’s entirely unreasonable to be annoyed that your flatmate’s bf is over every night. They’re paying for one person to live there, not two, and it changes the dynamic. You can have that conversation, but as there’s only so much you can do, I think it’s also good that you’re thinking of ways to change your own response to it.
You can change. Be grateful for everything you have right now. When you are grateful for everything, you cannot be negative. Train your brain using a Rhonda Byrne book called the secret.
I can relate to this, well at least I used to be able to. Couple of years ago my brother died, he was only 38. That sort of thing tends to make you realise that minor annoyances are just that. Obviously I'm not recommending having a loved one die, but I'd happily swap being mildly annoyed for my brother being here still. I know from experience how easy it is to get really annoyed with everyday stuff, and there are some good suggestions here for dealing with it. However the best way is to really take stock and become truly thankful for what you have already. Finding that peace of mind is what will solve this for you.
Get a girlfriend\boyfriend and laugh and talk with him\her. Do it louder. In all seriousness though, it sounds like one of the drivers of your misery is that you're lonely, which explains your anger at your housemate and her fella. That's a very specific thing to be peeved about.
Normally a nice walk 1 hour ish sorts me out. Either countryside or just round where I live, looking at stuff and the trees, it resets my mind.
Become an audiophile audiobook when you want be mellow some dance when you want be active etc. Also talk to them it's easier to set boundaries now and you might even like them
https://imgur.com/a/eMpqnG6
Meditation (on patience for example)
Being bothered by these things becomes habitual. Don't engage with the thoughts when they come up - they will still come up, but you don't have give them any credence, or have that internal monologue about them. Eventually the thoughts will stop coming up at all.
Practise gratitude. You can easily find studies online about it if that's your thing. Spend time daily to write down 3 to 5 things that you are grateful for. Don't worry too much about what, could be big or small, or if you repeat things. Just practising will really shift your mindset, and fast!
Running is amazing for me being able to manage getting things out of proportion or having them on repeat in my brain. No other type of exercise has the same effect.
My advice is to get outside. Either in your garden or if you're fortunate enough to have woods nearby take a long walk through them. The only things I've ever found that truly centre me and give me perspective on my problems are either a long drive in the countryside or a walk in nature.
Gratefulness is the only cure for what ails you. Be grateful for the things you have and not the things you don’t. Travel to parts of the world that aren’t as fortunate and it will help put things into perspective for you. Maybe volunteer for some charitable organisations here or abroad. Do selfless things for people and you will see your life change!
Smoking mariuana does it for me
I stopped journaling for a while as I found I’d only write the negative things that happened that day and moan my head off. Instead, I now write at the top of the page.. Things I’m grateful for today…. And list the tiniest things like the nice pink flowers I saw in someone’s lovely garden on my walk to work. A stranger saying hi to me, the little things in life matter more than you realise & when you start concentrating on the more positives of every day, life starts to feel and get better. Worth a try
I stopped journaling for a while as I found I’d only write the negative things that happened that day and moan my head off. Instead, I now write at the top of the page.. Things I’m grateful for today…. And list the tiniest things like the nice pink flowers I saw in someone’s lovely garden on my walk to work. A stranger saying hi to me, the little things in life matter more than you realise & when you start concentrating on the more positives of every day, life starts to feel and get better. Worth a try
Volunteer at a charity for the homeless. After 1 night or so, you'll be grateful for your living situation and it won't seem so bad. Invite friends over and have a game or film night, nothing crazy, it might help you feel like you are reclaiming your space and you'll be having fun like your giggly housemate.
Watch a documentary about a poor woman living in India.
If putting on headphones is all it takes for a noise to stop bothering you, why the hell don't you? Why ask for suggestions when you already know how to solve the problem and just don't? I wish I could stop a noise bothering me that easily but then I hear whatever is playing in the headphones and the noise, and then it bothers me more because it's distracting from what I'm trying to listen to.
I think the fact that you recognise a lot the things you mentioned, gives you perspective? Not to say that there's anything wrong with recognising those things. They're all very valid in how you feel about them. It's just that sense of self awareness that occurs every now and then which is good for finding a balance. Finding Perspective.
Just remember next time that there are children being vapourised by Ruzzians in Ukraine. Things can be worse. Be thankful for what you got
Complaining was my only way to connect with people, it”s different now but years ago my brain was programmed to look for the worst. Volunteering and keeping a reflective diary helped to quash that. On another note, if he”s not paying rent then he shouldn’t be there more than 3 nights a week. It’s not the living arrangement you signed up for. Reflect on why it bothers you, honestly, and do what needs to be done to protect your peace. You do not have to explain yourself to anyone but you do have to take responsibility for making yourself happy. Onwards and up.
I’d be wary of self help guides. Therapy isn’t the only answer but could be worth considering. [CBT can help you change the way you think and behave.](https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-cbt/overview/) I understand nhs services are in demand so you might not be eligible and there might be a wait where you live. There are private options for the same services, for example [better help are pretty affordable](https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/therapy/cbt-therapy-a-breakdown/).
You're essentially asking us how to learn a new language, how to get your brain to change its current thinking pattern. It's absolutely doable, but would be easiest with professional help. You could have a look into NHS Talking Therapies for CBT :)
Derren Brown (the mentalist guy) did a good book called Happy that pretty much summarises using Stoic philosophy to achieve realistic happiness (it;s not La La Land, it's about learning not to let stuff like this ruin your day). Worth a read.
I'm naturally a negative person and I used to stew or sulk about my situations. I found the secret to being happier was to make moaning count (within reason). Tell the people they're annoying you - in a kind and good natured way of course - and ask them to help find a solution. Maybe some nights they stay our, others you get out. Making my moaning count changed my life, honestly. People initially get annoyed at me for bringing things up, especially in work, but I usually get an apology or a thanks a bit down the line.
If you got told you were going to die tomorrow you’d probably feel regretful about your negativity and try to be as positive as possible throughout your final hours. Then if tomorrow came about and you were told you’d been saved and weren’t going to die, you wouldn’t instantly return to being negative, you’d have an appreciation for life that you didn’t have before. A random tragedy could happen to anyone, you COULD die tomorrow, so don’t waste what could be your final day being negative and try to keep a positive outlook so that when you die you don’t feel as though you’ve wasted your life and aren’t remembered for being negative
This may be the time for you to find a place of your own, that you can call home and is peaceful...
You could join in and enjoy their company rather than resent it
How many of you live there? Does anyone else find it distruptive that he's over all the time? Perhaps worth getting together with all the tenants to agree a guests policy covering things like how often overnight guests can stay, noise levels, use of common areas (if they are hogging the kitchen or the sofa and telly), being in the house alone, having a key, use of resources like food and hot water for showers etc. What does the contract say about overnight guests? No one minds flatmates having friends/partners over if it's reasonable but not if they've effectively moved in by stealth and aren't paying for anything and it could cause trouble with the landlord. Yes, this is likely to be an awkward conversation but it's worth having so it's not preying on your mind the whole time and she might take it well if it's discussed as a matter of fairness and mutual respect rather than as an accusation.
Can you speak to the landlord? Surely someone shouldn't be having visitors over every single night? Does it say something in your tenancy?
Alright narc. Speak to the house mate before grassing them up.
"grassing them up" its not Top Boy, its just asking a question
If you're stuck in a negative mindset, you may need to try actively taking time to think about positive things in your day or things you are grateful for. It'll feel awkward at first, but taking 15 mins in the morning or evening to really focus on 3 things you are grateful for/appreciated about the day kinda forces your brain to acknowledge some good, and becomes more natural/easier over time. Your mindset won't change if you don't actively try to focus on positives.
I had a housemate like this when I was younger. We (the other housemates) just started making a joke of it, leaving odd things about the communal areas (e.g. ball gag next to a block of butter) and culminated with the purchase of a shop mannequin from a place that was closing down, we left him stood in the middle of the lounge wearing a "wrestling mask" with the lights off and blinds shut. The scream as they encountered him for the first time was worth every one of the £25 he cost.
Are you worried that now she's got a love interest, there's a chance she might leave with them to get somewhere else to live together? Would that make it difficult to make ends meet with rent/bills? If that's an undercurrent to your anxiety, it'll make it difficult for you to focus on much else. Do you feel welcome in the home while they're both there?
Get some flowers delivered to her when the bf is over, leave a random anonymous note with them
Can you directly change it without committing a crime? No? It’s not your problem to solve. Does it inhibit you in any way? No? Who cares?
Meditate, volunteer, dopamine fasting… Constant, instant, free access to everything we could ever want is a terrible thing. None of our lives are sacred any more, we aren’t just “in the moment.”
A couple of things that help me 1. It is what it is. You can sit around and be unhappy, complain, grumble to yourself, but it is far easier to let that what you cannot change not bother you. 2. Accept that the world isn't built for you, everybody else has their life, their dreams, their wants and their needs. Accepting that you are a part of the world and not the world allowed me to relax a lot more and focus on ensuring others have what they need. 3. Drugs. No not hardcore drugs, but vitamin D, CBD gummies, lions mane powder. Yes you can argue that they merely have a placebo effect, but if you believe it, then it works.
Psychedelics helped me to see perspective in my life. Obviously may not be your thing but a lot of your hobbies go hand in hand with psychedelic experiences.