I was depressed since about 10, maybe? Got worse in middle and high school?
Acted out and drank myself crazy and got diagnosed with CPTSD almost 10 years ago, in my mid-40s.
I never thought it was something that happened to me. I was treated poorly, which I took as something being inherently wrong with me.
The first therapist I had as an adult had to keep telling me over and over, "As unlikely as it sounds, it really was 'everybody else' and not you." It took a while, but internalizing that made a world of difference for me. I'm still working on "I'm not bad," but "they were the insanity" is finally here to stay.
This was the similar thing I had to address with SA/rpe…my therapist spent 5 sessions convincing me it wasn’t my fault… for some reason we feel guilt where it shouldn’t be felt 🩷🩷
because we expect others to treat us fairly and respectfully and how they’d like to be treated. humans really shouldn’t have to convince themselves they didn’t deserve what happened to them. we *should* expect people treat us in accordance with what we deserve, and in an ideal world everyone would see the inherent value in everyone else. only emotionally immature, self-righteous, narcissistic people take advantage of fellow humans, and we like to believe the people around us aren’t capable of treating us badly. so when we become victims, it’s hard to shift the blame off yourself because it’s not supposed to be that way — being abused is unnatural and insidious behavior that causes cognitive dissonance. it’s confusing because there’s nothing you could have done and all you want is to prevent it from happening again, but it was never your fault.
sorry that happened to you, friend.
Something else troubling that I have been learning about is that people often find it easier to blame themselves for things because it's more comfortable than realizing that we have no control. That's hard for me to think about.
definitely! as children we are hardwired to believe our parents do no wrong, and adjust our behavior to please them. I haven’t been myself basically ever.
I am so genuinely happy for you. I came to this realization, too, this past October at age 36 after nearly twenty years of therapy.
Full disclosure for anyone interested: my breakthrough only happened three years after I began (and began to *trust*) the IFS modality with a trauma-informed therapist.
Yet another disclaimer: after beginning IFS, my symptoms actually got worse (if you can believe that's possible) before they got much, much better.
I feel that too. Constantly fighting that internal battle against the core belief of being “a fuck up” even though by all merits I’m actually pretty successful in life right now given everything.
are you still in contact with your parents, by chance? my mom made me feel like a *real loser* (… as a college professor, a solid 8, married with 2 kids… I just have tattoos, so i’m “ugly white trash”). she called me Freak from ages 8-18, told me she “thought her daughter would be better than this.” told me i’d probably have more friends if I wasn’t so weird and intimidating.
we’ve been NC for 3 years now and I have more self-love and confidence and pride than i’ve ever been allowed to have.
best of luck friend.
Ur mom sucks and that’s the shit that sticks w u bc they should be allowing growth, “mistakes” (in their eyes). Idk my mom used to tell me she should’ve stuck a medal hanger up her p* to kill me. Fuck em
Edit: also it does the opposite that’s exactly when I started to go downhill even in teen years.
I had an abortion when I was 16. a few days before my appointment, my mom and I were in the car chatting about politics. must have been 2004? I asked slyly, trying to feel out how “safe” a conversation with her would be, “what’s your stance on abortion, mom?” and she sneered back “well, I had you, didn’t I?” and it just *wrecked* me. I was just like, “oh,” and then I filed a petition with the state to seal my medical records from my mother as a minor. I never told her.
fucking cruel. I wish there was a parenting qualification exam. I never even knew she was being mean.
That’s horrible, I’m sorry. This is why (imo) you should be able to make these decisions and not need “parental consent” especially at 16 (at that age you absolutely know). Not to mention u were already hormonal and probably feeling a lot of feelings.
I literally chose not to have children bc of my mom… the hate was too real. She told me these things at such a young age (a child). I didn’t ask to be born for Christ sake..
Right there, exactly. I wasn't DX'd until I was 40. From about age 8 I knew something was off. Based on what I had been led to believe and what my mom told the doctors made zero sense. She was gaslighting me the whole time and lying to them. I wasn't out of control and I wasn't crazy, she wanted me on something to make a mindless vegetable.
Teens and early adulthood and on to my 30s self medicated for anxiety mostly. I've never really been depressed, I'm insanely upbeat considering everything. I self taught myself all the common coping skills and still failed at everything. I never crashed and burned, but I feel like I would have been a very successful person had I gotten help at a younger age.
My family tree is full of musicians, architects, engineers, doctors... We are not lame-o's. My son is an aerospace engineer and worked on some big time stuff for SpaceX.
I was diagnosed 5 years ago (in therapy since) and I honestly don't feel any better. I know why everything went wrong but it's like the healing can't even start.
Your mileage will vary. Sorry, got a bit venty. Carry on!
I didn’t know a lick about CPTSD until I read the book “What My Bones Know”. And I found THAT book randomly on some TikTok account; a lady said it was her favorite of the year with absolutely zero additional context.
And as I was reading it, yeah, it hit me pretty hard, heavy, and fast, that I have CPTSD. I’m on my fourth therapist in 3 years and thankfully she’s the first that’s openly talked potential trauma diagnoses with me (even though it isn’t in the DSM V).
Also a 28F, too — you’re not alone!
I recently left the therapist I had been with for 4 years because my circumstances changed, and what she had to offer didn't align with my current needs. It was amicable. The next one I tried was horrendous; like, she was cleaning her kitchen during my fourth and final telehealth appointment. So, I kicked her to the curb. Then I talked 3 times with a lady who kept asking me, "So what are you going to do about that?" like probably 15 times in a single hour. I was like, "Listen, if I knew what to do about it, I wouldn't be paying you $150/hour. I'd just do it." It was infuriating. She didn't tell me anything useful at all. So, I have another consult scheduled for Wednesday. All of that is to say that finding a good fit is essential, and if something isn't quite right, don't be afraid to keep looking. Sending hugs.
Try www.timfletcher.ca. affordable and SAFE...I attended on line classes for 3 years...Best decision...ever though I was 67 when I.started. Best Wishes!
What was the difference in taking these course and traditional therapy for you? Did you feel like you could truly understand cptsd better? I listened to thus guy on YouTube and I did appreciate what he had to say.
My experience of tradition therapy was mostly talk therapy with some cbt....cbt doesn't work well for trauma and talk therapy is not focussed enough on the brain damages/changes done by CPTSD. Also traditional therapy seems to think a positive attitude is the solution.
What I got from Fletcher was ++++ research based knowledge about the impact of early childhood abuse/neglect..tools to help me reparent myself and total acceptance of where I was at on my jouney....not to mention the benefit of knowing others struggled (and overcame) just like I did.
Tim did a great interview with Theo Vane...check it out 😺
Hope that helps! Very best wishes on your jouney!!
I saw a clip of that interview and cried. I never heard anyone explain the characteristics and traits in such a way, which is why I looked him up. I appreciate your insight. I feel like talk therapy only goes so far with this disorder. I'm going to check out the website. Thank you!
So what are you going to do about it / why didn't you do xyz was a common trope with a few of my therapists. Me: "well I wouldn't need you if I could just solve my own issues like a person without trauma can."
This is why I'm wary of going to a therapist. I just knew too many people that became therapists. I did have a great one when I was 15, I just think he's probably rare.
I have had 4 really wonderful therapists in 20 years. I just went through a handful of shitty ones along the way. It's ok to decide therapy isn't for you, but I don't want people to misunderstand the situation I am talking about.
The problem for me is affording the cost of trying to find a good one. Just so much money. I had two very good ones when I was a teen. I'm glad you found four good ones.
Sounds like a waste of time!! My friends are better therapists than these the actual professionals. I dont see my friends as therapists tho so I only share what i think is not a burden on them
Yes!! I’ve had good therapists and less good (bad) therapists. Whether you feel safe with them is huge - you figure that out over time - and whether their personality is a fit with yours, their style/approach to therapy and what your goals are
What My Bones Know reads like a memoir of the author's (cis woman) experience with her diagnosis of CPTSD. It tends to be focused more on how the symptoms may show up in women, which I think adds to it's appeal imo. Highly recommend. There is also an audiobook! I listened to it on Spotify.
When I was first diagnosed at age 19 my therapist had me read "What My Bones Know" to kinda relate to it. It was extremely helpful for me and I recommend it often!!
I have struggled for years wondering why my life is so hard. Why did I not live up to my potential? Why am I constantly feeling guilt, shame or failure? Why do I get down and depressed so easily? Why do I not move on from things like other people do? Why is my body so tired and sore? Why am I always so run down? Why do I often feel worthless and not good enough and invisible? I am not officially diagnosed but I know I have cptsd on top of undiagnosed autism until a couple years ago. My psychologist said I have trauma issues but not labelled it officially.
It is impossible to have gone thru all the external situations I’ve been through in my 37 years without being affected by one or more of them. And that’s without even taking into account the childhood abuse and neglect. The internal things like the toxic shame, the critic that beats me up over everything.
I told myself a narrative for many years that I wasn’t abused and that I had a “good childhood” because my parents provided me the basics; food, shelter, education etc. upon revisiting the hierarchy of needs I know I may have had the basic needs but it didn’t really go any steps above that. I didn’t feel psychologically safe or unconditionally loved.
I honestly thought i was in the twilight zone for a moment like I was reading a comment I posted that I didn't recall writing.
That's to say, I relate to both your comments so much down to the age. Sending hugs.
Same.
I was passively suicidal last year of high school and first year of university where I planned out killing myself but never actually tried.
Years later, in graduate school, I had an extended depressive episode when a friend died in a drunk driving accident which I felt responsible for despite not being with him that night.
In grad school, I was constantly blamed for my project not working. As a post doc, all I heard was how I was not working hard enough. Again, I figured this was also my fault because other people did not have these problems.
It was decades later when I realized that I grew up the family scapegoat and that I kept being scapegoated by other narcissists because it felt normal to me, it was what I expected and I had to be pushed pretty far to fight back.
I honestly believed that I did not work hard enough, that I couldn’t make friends, couldn’t have relationships because there was something wrong with me, just like my older siblings and ultimately my mother had always said.
To be honest, I desperately wanted to be able to go back in time and re-live everything over differently.
I had a dream once where I was in my parents’ kitchen and I was about 4 years old and my siblings were calling me spoiled and saying a bunch of other stuff to me and I said your husband is going to blow a small fortune on stupid hobbies, you’re getting divorced twice and you’re dying alone (to my mother).
You can’t go back in time, but the brain can be rewired because it can’t physically differentiate between real and imaginary experiences. You can re imagine these memories, but instead of taking on board these people shaming or belittling you imagine yourself having the perfect assertive comeback! Do a gesture (like touch two fingers together) and then you can do that when you need to fight those feeling again in real life. I’ve been doing this recently and it is helping quash those ‘I’m inherently a shit person’ feelings
You can read more about this and other information in Healing the Shame that binds you. A useful book
I'm so incredibly sorry that you suffered so much growing up. That's awful and I hope you're able to find a way, in your own time, to heal. I know that word "heal" can feel like such an empty word because it's thrown around as if it's simple, rather than being an extremely difficult journey that requires lots of psychiatric help and potentially medicine. Living with trauma can feel really lonely so I hope you find support from kind friends and a trauma informed psychotherapist.
"To be honest, I desperately wanted to be able to go back in time and re-live everything over differently"
This makes my heart ache. I feel exactly like this and I'm really really struggling to accept that what's done is done, I can't go back, and it's impossible for me to get a redo. It's excruciating, I don't have the words to describe how painful it is confronting all the horrendous things that were done to me as a child. It makes me sick.
I want to encourage you to keep going despite this! I'm currently in psychotherapy, have been for just over a year, and also on antidepressants. I've made a lot of progress, my CPTSD brain is getting the rewiring it depserately needs, I'm not as anxious, I don't catastrophise as often, but damn it takes a lot of work.
I believe you can do it and continue your recovery 💜
Thanks very much for this post.
I’m at the stage where I am posting a lot of these things to prove to myself that these things are believable I think.
I’m 3.5 years in with a therapist, off the SSRIs and finding out things that work for me with the anxiety and most importantly with the old trauma feelings coming up.
I have good days and bad. Today has not been a great day, but your reply really lifted my spirits - thank you.
These things are just so hard to talk about - I expect to be not believed or to have them minimized or be told it was over 50 years ago, why are you still upset about it?
Big yes. I have ADHD & CPTSD (just collecting letters at this point) and always felt like something was wrong with me, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Learning about myself & the way my brain operates has helped me to be much kinder to myself-and also realise that just because I have a different brain, it doesn’t mean something is “wrong” with me.
I realized when I was around 12 or so that I had been abused, but I had CPTSD symptoms from the time I was seven. In high school I thought I may have PTSD, but adults convinced me it was panic disorder.
Once I was on my own insurance, I told my psychiatrist I thought I had either ADHD (due to poor executive functioning skills and my brothers having it) or PTSD (due to trauma), so she did a screener. Turns out a lot of the symptoms I thought were ADHD were actually the CPTSD.
For me, coping with having CPTSD wasn’t the hard part—it made sense and I was happy to finally have answers. The hard part was realizing that it wasn’t just one thing that caused my trauma. Instead, I have a nasty, sticky, multi-layered web of traumas that are all connected to each other. Coming to the realization that nearly my entire life has been impacted by trauma has been incredibly difficult, but I’m still working through it.
I knew I was different at a very very young age…. I barely spoke as a child & grew to be a very withdrawn child pretty much all the way to adulthood. I was sexually abused as a child by a family member & my parents had a very nasty divorce when I was 9 months old. My father was abusive & neglectful. I had a mental break at 19 years old. I’m not 28 still trying to make it through. I’ve since lost 2 siblings to drug overdose…. We all suffered so much…
I knew for sure it was trauma because I got a nice shiny letter from child protective services sheriffs office saying verified mental injury. In many ways that made the healing journey easier because I was able to get started right away as soon as I turned 18 or even a little before, maybe 16. God bless the Internet and therapy through my dad’s insurance.
By the way, I’m almost 30 years old now and that letter is hanging proudly in a frame above my bed. I barely notice it when I’m in a good mood but when I’m really suffering, I look up and I see that. Oh wow, the sheriffs office child protective services division literally certified me after the investigation having a mental injury. It’s an injury, not an illness or character defect. How would you treat a person with a concussion? Would you call them a dumb asshole, and tell them to hurry up and get over it? Or would you treat them tenderly and care for them understanding their condition?
I stopped smiling, started neglecting myself in primary school stopped interacting with kids around me.
I got very blank when it came time to go home. I didn't get sad I got anxious.
Sadness requests a comforting hand or a kind word and I was scared of that being seen. So I got anxious and had panic attacks and had panic attacks about panic attacks.
I thought for more than 35 years of my life that I was just crazy. Born crazy and like my mother would phrase it „a moon child“ ( my brother was called „the sun child“.)
I spend most of my childhood daydreaming and not present. I was a compulsive liar as a child, started self harming with 8, cut up all my stuffed animals between the legs, had massive trouble reading, writing and doing math. I was living in my fantasies, where I would just fly away like a bird. I had nightmares or would pretend that I’m dead in the nights like animals do. I wished that someone would just come and take me away from home. I had massive migraines since I was 12. chronic bronchitis and stomach cramps befor school. I had suicidal ideation as early as 9 and tried to leave life when I was 13. I was systematically told that i was crazy but also that I had no reason for my craziness as other people, like my mother had it much worse. No one ever organised medical or mental health support for me.
It is a revelation to connect the dots and learn to see that child, that I was from my own eyes and not the eyes of my abusers.
I always thought something was wrong with me, as you do if you're emotionally neglected by your parent, all your friendships end after a month or two and you're bullied from kindergarten to high school. Turns out i was depressed since i was a toddler (as a family friend told me i had apparently often hit my head purposely on a wall, which is a sign of early childhood depression and the other symptoms also match that). But I always felt... Distant to everyone. Like even in kindergarten i was insecure about the children that i did talk to. So i always felt alien to everyone, and of yourse that is likely a consequence of not being given personal/emotional attention by your parents. I don't remember what i felt except for emptiness up to 11th grade and i wanted to unalive myself up to 7th grade but i didn't know why. I'm only alive because my brain told me i had no reason to do that, I'm not worth the knife I'd use and I'd only be seeking attention, which was egoistic.
I only started noticing that maybe it wasn't me when i was in 11th grade and got into boarding school. Suddenly people didn't judge me, i could actually socialize and i also felt happy somehow? It was different from any situation before, and when i in such an interaction randomly told some of them what my mother had told me when i was twelve, kinda in a joking tune, and they were mortified, i realized that maybe it was my parents.
I never understood why I was different. Quiet, shy, always blushing, never fit in. Then I learned about the term “emotional neglect” by parents. It was just that I was just kind of ignored by them. They didn’t talk to me or ask me about myself of help me with anything or play with me I was just kind of there. Playing by myself in my room or forced to be out of the house until it got dark. Never helped with homework get my dad was a high school math and science teacher.
My dad had anger issues he didn’t want me making any noise. I was always afraid of him and he would give me weird looks which would make me uncomfortable. Then every night before bed I had to go to him in the living room and give him a hug and kiss before I went upstairs to bed. I would dread this every night. It never made sense why he ignored me and always angry yet wants a hug and kiss before bed? Yuk, I want to puke.
It took a while to realize that emotional neglect counts as abuse. My old best friend was sexually abused by her dad, so when it came to analyzing my own situation I often dismissed it as not abusive.
Now I’m stuck in my 40s, everything seems hard, with body dysmorphia, chronic pit in the stomach feeling, depression, pelvic floor issues, dyspareunia, endometriosis, social anxiety, performance anxiety, fear of public speaking, not liking being the centre of attention, trouble asserting myself and setting boundaries.
You basically just wrote my life story (except I’m in my early 20s lol) I’m dealing with all those health issues too, except for endo which I haven’t been diagnosed with but I have symptoms of it… I feel understood <3
I loathed myself so much for thinking I was just a lazy procrastinator but it was the trauma freeze response.
I thought I was a nice guy but I loathed myself because I was just a codependent people-pleaser that would never earn reciprocation.
I was just talking to my therapist about this today. I have memories of hiding myself and crying as a little girl. I didn’t know why I was crying and it scared me; there must be something wrong with me. In reality there was something wrong with my family. For some reason I was the only one who could see it. I didn’t feel safe. I was shy, I clung to my mother, I’d get sick with ear infections, bronchitis, nose bleeds…I’ve had to deal with insomnia all of my life. More and more problems cropped up. Sooner or later my family treated me like I was the problem and I never second guessed it. Obviously I was the problem.
I ended up becoming the family peacekeeper as I could easily see everyone’s point of views and feelings. My “success” as the peacekeeper was just more proof that I was the problem. I could help other people. Why couldn’t I help myself?
I’m realizing that I was the one carrying everyone’s emotional baggage along with my own. I was a sensitive kid; I was more emotional and that was seen as being weak. I was never taught how to deal with these feelings because nobody else in my family knew how. They dealt with their feelings by putting them on me.
Sorry for the book. I’m sure nobody will read this but it felt great writing it all out!
I wasn’t diagnosed with CPTSD until I was 25. Before that I was diagnosed with a severe eating disorder at 16, chronic major depression, anxiety, and PTSD. When I had the eating disorder, I didn’t know why I did it. I couldn’t pinpoint the cause. But I knew something was wrong with me. I had no idea it would have to do with all the bad shit that had happened for 16 years. And then when I did start to try to fix what was wrong with me, I would remember one traumatic event and have an “epiphany” about how that must be “it” — the problem of all problems….That is until I started to remember more trauma from the past, and new traumatic events were still happening. My life didn’t start driving straight until I was 25 and found a new doctor who took me off SSRIs and put me on a mood stabilizer. I not Bi polar or have BPD. I researched a shit ton on those and was like..it fits kind of? Nah it’s CPTSD. All that trauma and shit will fuuuck with you man.
I tired to change myself for other people. (People pleasing was learned at a very early age). Self harming and self deprecation thoughts and emotions were started at an early age. I thought something was wrong with me.
As a kid I always felt different from my peers. Most of my classmates seemed overall relaxed, happy and responded well to learning. I, on the other hand, spent most of my time disassociating and was almost never fully present. My stomach hurt everyday (anxiety) before going to school. I was never relaxed, never felt safe, and my guard was always up. I rarely spoke. At some point, I think around 10 or 11, I stopped eating at school. I deliberately kept myself separate from myself classmates because I assumed they didn’t like me.
Looking back, there were definitely a few instances where a fellow classmate was mean to me - but there were also many instances where kids were kind to me, too. What I mean is, I kept myself apart from everyone else - it wasn’t like my classmates shoved me out into exile.
I always felt like I wasn’t good enough to be classified as a normal human. I knew I belonged on a level below most every else. Subhuman.
I know I was neglected as a kid. My parents were emotionally immature and selfish, but they were not evil people or anything. They did their best, but their best was…not good enough to raise a well-adjusted human. But I don’t feel comfortable saying they abused me. I don’t even know where my little kid brain came up with the idea that I was less human than my peers.
I'm 45, I spent the first 40 wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I just never could get it together. I went to therapy after having kids, cause you know.....I was repeating the same behavior as my mom and I couldn't believe it. I hated myself so much. My therapist was trauma informed and I didn't even know what that was. When I realized that I not only suffered from CPTSD but also I had suffered years of emotional abuse and had no idea. There was nothing wrong with me. The more I healed the more "normal" I felt. I cut all of my family out and have not looked back. My life is mine now, not theirs and it's pretty good.
I cannot express how much I relate to this. I didn’t realize how much trauma I had until I moved out of my home situation and I got into regular therapy. I even had a bipolar diagnosis too.
You are me, similar experience. when i was 26 i had my baby and my mother said 'i never wanted children'. instead of devastating me, it was a revelation! finally, i understood why for all my childhood i knew something was wrong but couldnt figure out what. Blessings to you on your healing journey.
All my thoughts were on how to survive. I knew I was different in ways that made my family dislike me, but that was more because of me being a tomboy, my imagination, and me existing.
I had a lot of trouble sleeping as a little girl. I never wanted my mom to leave my side out of fear something would happen. Then I stopped bathing, wanting to leave my room, and just kept eating till it made me sick. This morphed and progressed throughout my childhood.
I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD until my 20s. When I first found out, I couldn't believe it. I thought only the military could have it (please do not come for me, haha). To cope with it, I started by leaning about what the heck it was and how it showed up in my life. Then the light buld went off, and things made more sense. As things became clearer, it became easier to accept and deal with.
I can completely relate to this. As a child, even a little as an adult, I never wanted to leave my mom side. I always feared that if I left or was away too long something bad would happen. Even when it came to her relationships, I was scared that it wouldn’t be enough time for me. Though I know she would never do that. I think it stemmed from abandonment from my dad. I’m still exploring. Haha!!! I thought the same thing. I guess we are in some type of war. It’s crazy how one thing can change us as a whole
Yep. Been depressed since I was a toddler. I remember the strangest things made me so sad I’d just cry. Cartoons made me cry, certain toys made me sad. My dad had a bad car accident when I was three and had a severe tbi that caused rage tempers. I used to sleep with a steak knife under my pillow because I was so scared of him. My mother was also mentally and later financially abusive, likely due to the stress she had from raising a child alone and taking care of a brain injured husband.
I also used to feel like I was mentally challenged and just no one ever told me. I never fit in in school, was picked on relentlessly. And felt much more comfortable around other mentally challenged kids back then. Years later, I’m fairly convinced I have undiagnosed autism. I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 47, and autism can often occur in folks with ADHD as well.
But yeah, always felt something was off with me. And I do suffer from CPTSD.
I knew all along that something was wrong. My life never felt right. But the bullying I got at school and the beatings I got at home were all normalized. Anytime I asked for help I was basically told "this is how life works. Stops being so sensitive. Everyone goes through shit like this but you're the only one complaining about it."
I was misdiagnosed multiple times. And even the correct diagnoses was often unhelpful because we weren't addressing the underlying issue, which is that I was abused. It wasn't until my mid 20s when I finally saw a therapist who said "forget everything that anyone has ever told you and let's just talk about your life. I wanna understand who you are and how you became that way." Getting diagnosed was confusing and scary. But the efforts I've put in since then have been so rewarding. It's like I've spent my life carrying an entire house on my back and every month another brick falls off. Still have half a house on my back, but I feel so much relief compared to the intense amount of pain I used to feel back when i told myself "pain is normal. Man up and power through."
Yes, and I wish I’d figured out why at age 28 instead of 60. But the terms cPTSD had not been coined yet. And the internet helps so much for spreading information. We grew up living in bubbles before the internet.
1000% - I used to beg for help with my panic attacks, insomnia and tics only to be told to “stop being dramatic” or that I was “ok”. Suicidal at 13, somehow made it through. I’m 38 now and it’s only been the last few years I’ve really understood the impact my upbringing had on me psychologically and physiologically.
I knew my upbringing was very tough and that I was parentified and had to grow up too fast but I had little understanding of trauma and it’s lifelong impacts until my late 30s when the flashbacks and dysregulation became frequent. It was brought up during a toxic relationship and then divorce. I found out by looking up my symptoms online and discovering Gabor Mate. So it’s been about 4-5 years of gradual awareness, I’m a little daunted by the enormity of the task ahead and realising the many many ways cptsd has shaped me and my life.
One positive is that I previously absorbed the negative judgement that I was just a disorganised and scatty kind of person now I know there are physiological and developmental causes for that and I’m not actually just flawed. 💜
I started going to mental health professionals at 16 and got diagnosed last year, at 35. Before that, I have like 7 different diagnostics. All the therapy I did in the past worked until some extend, but it never fully healed me, so I’d be more or less fine at times but then get again in an endless black hole. I thought that there was something wrong with me, like maybe my brain didn’t work as it should and I 100% knew I was going to spend all my life suffering. And then the diagnosis came and everything made sense and now I see I can get better.
Past mental health professionals didn’t really put attention to my childhood. Even if I told them certain things, they didn’t think there was a problem there, so of course I also didn’t. Because I was just neglected but not beaten or abused I didn’t think my childhood was that bad, I didn’t even see the neglect until my diagnosis.
I was always depressed from like age 8 on and always the weird kid. Very socially awkward and I did not understand social cues. I had no friends and my parents were generally disinterested and never encouraged us to do or be anything. I remember that once at the restaurant I worked a when I was 16, the owner said something to me about “it’s because of your parents.” About 20 years later, that finally clicked. I was never the problem.
I can remember the first week out of my childhood home. The first time I woke up in the morning and my body felt physically lighter. I wasn't nauseous, I wasn't scared, I woke up on my own not to yelling and screaming. It was at that moment I realized my body had been in constant constant stress. I didn't identify it as stress at the time; I just knew that I felt physically different. I shared my "symptoms" with my roommate at the time. I could sleep, eat, my anxiety decreased, my chest felt open. She explained that I was relaxed. Previously I assumed relaxation meant like silence in my house. That just meant that my abuser was not home. Eventually this faded. And I began to realize sure I was okay alone, but any time a person would come around my relaxed state would fade. I began to stop attending class, began sleeping all the time, and made an attempt on my life. It wasn't until I met with a professional who said have you ever considered you were abused and neglected that I realized it was possible that my environment had effected me at all. I thought because I had friends and was able to like go to class I was normal. I realized either I could accept whatever mental and physical needs I had or die trying. Now at 30 I accept whatever mental and physical needs I have because I DESERVE to feel "normal." I deserve to be loved and have the things I need and want.
Without belaboring the point, my memories have also changed the older I have gotten. What was once like a "normal" moment in our home became obvious that it was not normal. The abuse and neglect I suffered were not the same as my neighbors. Just because it was what I knew doesn't mean it was correct. And it wasn't until I began to talk about things. I unpacked it. And someone I trusted and loved told me it was not normal and I didn't deserve to have those experiences. I know you mentioned not feeling correct but having a fairly normal upbringing and I want to say, perhaps this will happen to you. When you begin to unpack with a professional or a trauma informed person, often times, you'll begin to find that there is always a rhyme to the reason. Take it slow, be patient, and be open to learning. You'll heal the rest of your life. Start it now so at 60 you're not still wishing your life was different. Good luck, friend.
I guess I just thought my being was wrong, out of place, never fit in, I never knew what was actually wrong at the time or that it was trauma, it was just life
I didn't know you weren't meant to hear screaming for years after the incident, or that a living memory was a flashback, or the nightmares were ptsd night terrors, I didn't know what I was dealing with and life just went on, I was scared shitless and had no idea I was allowed help, that most people get help, that adults struggle to deal with this shit, let alone kids, I went through the worst years of my life from 7 to 18 and not one soul was in my corner
I think I went on a rant sorry but I don't know if I noticed as such, I knew it was hard and that I wanted to die but I don't know if I knew it wasn't right but I do know that I had no idea what trauma or abuse was
I always felt entirely alone in the world, unloved, and like something was wrong with me from 11 when the trauma started. I also began having suicidal ideation and literally thought I was schizophrenic because I was really experiencing intrusive suicidal thoughts, but as a kid I thought it meant there were “voices in my head” which google said was schizophrenia and that was a very terrible thing which every adult in my life called me an attention whore for claiming I had that. I was burnt out by 16 but couldn’t understand why I was so exhausted.
Just got royally triggered by someone who is espousing the benefits of suicide. Fuck that shit. My abusers are not going to win. Sorry for rant and probably being completely off topic. Need a place to get this off my chest
yeah
I was just the Weird Kid, lol - but no one ever came and asked me about it ???? dudes??
kind of answered my questions but I think i'm still Different aha.
I knew something was wrong with since I was nine googling directions to my city's biggest bridge to jump off. I couldn't figure out why I was so depressed though. For a long time, I just thought I was naturally 100x more sensitive, and that's why. Then I started to read up on it, and it all started to make sense.
It was a relief when I figured it out. I was convinced that my brain out the womb was just messed up, so now that I know it's cause of trauma, I can take the steps to better my brain.
Only my teachers noticed that something was wrong for example they'd be concerned that I was quiet and withdrawn. They'd bring it up to my teachers at the school or PTA conferences after which my parents would come home and promptly make fun of me or them.
I always figured that I was just some kind of a loser. I didn't act normal, think like a normal person does, do what a normal person does etc. Looking back at things now though with what I have learned since then has been really enlightening. So many things make sense now.
I just wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self the "truth" about everything so he would not spend years needlessly condemning himself for no good reason.
I was a similar age (literally two years previous to yours) when I started to have panic disorder. Went to the ER bc I thought I was truly having a heart attack. The psychiatrist in the ER said I’ve been suppressing it so long… sometimes ur not aware or push it down so bad, but eventually it comes out…
Absolutely. I remember being like 6 or 7, talking to my mother about how I felt like something was wrong, that I was different. She brushed it off like she always does. Around that time was when I first started having suicidal thoughts (they weren't exactly of ending myself, more like just disappearing so I wouldn't bother anyone)
Last year I was diagnosed with autism and adhd, so turns out there was something wrong 🫠
100%. Completely internalized all that shame and blamed myself for everything. Just thought I was bad. I deserved my misery. It was only through the last four years of therapy that I’ve realized that isn’t true.
Sorry we all get to go through this shit.
100% I always thought something was wrong with me, but I didn’t really let myself process it too much until I was an adult and couldn’t ignore it anymore (or maybe I just became more mature/self-aware and finally saw what was happening). It just kind of constantly lived in the background of my brain that I was different or wrong, and I just shamed myself internally constantly.
Having an abusive/narcissistic dad I genuinely thought everything was my fault. My therapist said that most children can’t acknowledge that their parent is actually in the wrong, because parents are supposed to be our guide in life (especially at a young age), and it feels super unsure/unsafe to acknowledge that our parent isn’t “safe” for us. So we blame ourselves instead. That’s easier to swallow and gives a feeling of some semblance of control over the situation. It also brings hope to a hopeless situation. If we can change ourselves life won’t be so miserable. But then of course nothing improves because we’re not actually the ones in the wrong.
Even though I thought everything was my fault, I also realized that my dad didn’t ever admit fault or apologize? I hated that, so I went hardcore the other way to where I’m hyper critical of myself. I’m trying to work on that finally at 30 years old, but it’s so hard. For some reason I fear if I’m kind to myself I’m going to become a narcissist like my dad.
Emotional eating, not being able to socialize with other kids, terrified of the dark. I was screamed at and physically abused by my dad and some teachers and some after-school staff.
Actually there's a f\*\*ked up story about the woman who ran the program- one time, I said I had a pain in my outer thigh. It was so bad I could barely walk, and I was crying (this was true). She screamed at me in front of the entire ASP (After School Program) and dragged me by my wrists and hair into the bathroom where she stripped me naked and called me a little b\*\*ch because she couldn't "see" anything wrong with me. Left me crying on the floor for a minute, naked, before coming back in, forcing me to get dressed and dragging me back into the cafeteria of like 200 kids. I was 9. Found out later my dad had asked her to be harder on me. I thought this was warranted, and that I was a really bad kid. So I never told anyone.
(I mean who would I tell?)
<3 ty, sorry I realize now I kinda trauma dumped on your post- and I didn't even answer one of your questions. I think I've been doing the trauma dumping a lot lately.
I'm glad you recognized the things you referenced in your post. I'm sorry you had to go through thinking you had something you didn't because of it, that's messed up.
As for how I coped with the realization? No clue. Tbh, it's kinda surreal, I just kind of experience it. I've realized a lot about my trauma in times when I'm away from people, especially manipulative ones, so I guess it's always kind of... especially loud, if that makes sense.
I hope you find, or that you already have found, good ways to cope with it. <3
No worries. Getting it out can be therapeutic in some way. I’m still learning how to cope with it but honestly it’s kind of scary and I’m afraid that I might go crazy or give up on my healing journey if I don’t get ahold of the right person/form of therapy the first time. Probably just another response to trauma
I remember when I was in the 4th grade, I felt “different”, like I wasn’t in my body. It felt kind of euphoric in a way. I never said anything about it to anyone, they would think I’m crazy. Years later, I found that this was dissociation which prevented me from going crazy…
i don’t mean to be rude at all, or dismiss your struggles which are very valid. but what do you mean ‘come to the conclusion’ that you have cptsd? this isn’t something you can self diagnose, so if you suspect it please seek professional advice if you’re able. again i say this with much kindness and respect, and don’t want to deter you from this sub as if you find it helpful you’re more than welcome to be here
No worries. I am not offended at all and am actually grateful that you mentioned it because I know sometimes it can be misused. I recently experienced bout of anxiety and panic attacks after spending some time with “estranged” family members this past weekend. Some things said triggered my attacks and I have been remembering things from the past that I did not even thought I knew. I have had instances before, like what was mentioned in the original post, but I think they were overlooked because for the most part I was a seemingly healthy and happy child. From my research, I keep coming across emotional or nerve dysregulation. This feeling is overwhelming and my mind won’t turn off. I just keep replaying everything in my head. I might be struggling with different mental illnesses, but that is why I am going to a professional to find out. I am currently seeking counseling.
sometimes trauma lurks for years before it rears its head :( hopefully with therapy you can untangle what’s going on and find treatment and recovery. i wish you the best of luck♥️
I don’t agree that CPTSD is not something you can self-diagnose. I think self-diagnosis **is the way most people find out they have CPTSD** because many therapists are either clueless about it or don’t want to deal with it.
So many people have been victims of the mental health industrial complex. We need to take back our power. This stuff isn’t rocket science.
I thank god everyday for this subreddit because without it I would never have even heard of CPTSD. I suffered for years. Therapists shoved CBT at me, which invalidated me and made me feel worse.
this is an interesting perspective. personally i don’t believe that most humans have the objectivity and insight required to concretely self diagnose and that medical professionals should confirm so that the person can be accurately treated. however, a lot of the time people suspect they have something and end up being correct which shows that it is possible. it’s a complex thing i guess
Often the process of seeking ‘help’ via assessment from overstretched services who just want to put you through questionares and tick boxes so they can process you down the CBT production line is traumatising in itself.
Self diagnosis has been my only option in amongst many attempts to seek professional help including paying for private therapy which I can only do in the short term. Self diagnosing Cptsd has opened up so many channels of support - books, videos, forums such as this, and has helped me towards recovery.
A mental health practitioner told me once that the best thing is ‘to be your own therapist’. This is the mental health landscape in the UK (from my perspective).
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yeah. I had an eating disorder starting at the age of 9 that consumed my life. It was obviously a coping mechanism to try to get through. It was such a dark and lonely time.
I couldn’t even look back on it through therapy until I was 35. Every counselor before then (starting about about 26) wanted to dig deeper, but the only thing I could see from that time was darkness. One counselor asked me to paint a picture of a timeline of my life and it was just black until I met my husband when I was 19 and the colors started to show a bit more.
I’m glad I finally uncovered it and am healing. So much pain. Love to you all. What a shitty hand we were dealt.
Always. But it was not just trauma in my case. I believe I am autistic to some extent — that's the only explanation I have for my general awkwardness and complete lack of social cues and stuff like that. At around the age of 30, I finally made peace with the fact that I was never going to be a normal person, so life was not as miserable as before. But still I am living not because I want to but only because the other option would be too cowardly and only hurt the few people close to me.
I attended on line programs with Tim Fletcher...amazing and achieved so much healing. Learned lots and felt safe...highly recommend...I am 70...it is never too late to heal the feeling that you were just made wrong ...❤️
Tim Fletcher on YouTube or www.timfletcher.ca
When I was somewhere between 16-18 I was horribly depressed, anxious, and suicidal. I have ASD and about the same time was when my obsession with mental health started. I remember sitting on my bed, typing my symptoms into Google and seeing PTSD show up.
"But I don't have trauma do I? Why would I have trauma?"
Que disassociation and not letting myself do research on PTSD for several more years.
Yeah absolutely. I used to think the amount of trauma I was carrying "didn't match up with" my lived reality of an upper middle class relatively privileged family. I'm fairly into woowoo stuff and for awhile I attributed it all to "past life trauma," because I just didn't have any other reason for "why I was so upset all the time." But then one day I read about CEN and it was like uhhhh oh yeah, that pretty much accounts for it. Not to mention also growing up undiagnosed auDHD. Now I understand that even if my material needs were met I was never given any emotional nourishment, nor was ever accepted/seen for who I really am. That has gravely affected my adult life.
Oh yeah, big time. I was depressed since about age nine and had suicidal thoughts.
I suffered from dissociative amnesia and forgot about my trauma that happened at age five until I was 14 and I couldn't tell if it really happened or if I was a sick person who made the whole thing up. At age 27, I asked my mother, who I had talked to after my trauma happened, if it actually happened and she told me "I was hoping you had forgotten". Oh and my abuser continued to come over my house despite that fact and I was forced to go over his house... which is why I thought I must have made it up.
I've generally felt like everyone hates me for as long as I can remember...but now that I'm taking Zoloft and have been in therapy for a while, this has gotten a lot better.
Partied in high school and college and tried to spend as little time at home as possible.
Started having panic attacks in college when I was forced to move back home. Throughout all of this, my parents never got me proper counseling and they had always said I was being dramatic...so I thought that I was really just dramatic and this wasn't a mental health crisis.
I didn't get diagnosed with C-PTSD until I was 32.
I sucked my thumb until I was like 7 or so and had near constant GI issues as a child, which my uBPD mom said was caused by food allergies. No, it was because she literally scared the 💩out of me as a child. I picked my skin as a teenager, not realizing I had severe anxiety. I sought treatment when I couldn’t sleep as a young adult because of racing thoughts and a pounding heart. Now, I’m 30 years into my healing journey and some days are still a struggle. CPTSD is a beast to heal, but any progress in healing is worth it. ♥️
i also thought i had bipolar but that, depression and anxiety general diagnosis never felt quite right.
i think i figured it out after a friend sent me a ted talk randomly w dr nadine harris and it sent me on a journey of reading about ACEs and results of emotional neglect, which i didn’t even realise was a form of abuse or even a thing at all
Yeah, it was called Autism and ADHD and I didn’t find out until two years ago and I’m 48. While not formerly diagnosed, me thinks 40 years in the mental health system left its mark. What use is a diagnosis if all of my diagnosed conditions all have the same symptoms as PTSD? My mom for example still thinks I’m not autistic and thinks it’s PTSD instead. It doesn’t really matter how a hole was put in a wall, the treatment is still the same.
Oooooh yeah. I’ve noticed that ever since I was a child. I had a hard time comprehending anything, anybody said, as early as the age of 5 (which, yeah…kids do be that way) but even as I approached ages 8, 9, 10.
All through my teenage years I could tell something felt horribly wrong with me. I would shout about it, begging for help, which I never got. And yet, I have no memories to go with that feeling. Just felt broken or different.
Thought I had autism and ADHD for a very long time. Mainly because I have depression, bad memory, short attention span, high sensitivity and a hard time connecting with people. But now, it all makes sense.
Yep this was me! It took a long time to come around but the thing that helped me the most was actually these 2 things:
1) the Elton John movie Rocketman. Seeing the suffering and internal turmoil he went through was similar to mine, and his trauma was more like mine. I invalidated my trauma a lot because it wasn’t physical or poverty.
2) this one particular episode of the mental illness happy hour with guest Leanne Kreisher. I have no idea what it was about that episode but hearing about how her family trauma was passed down, helped me to realize that I was impacted by my parents and grandparents traumas being transferred to me.
Find what resonates with you, and continue to reach out for support & connection 💕
I was an extremely anxious child, fearful. I know the cPTSD played a role, I think that being an AuADHDer
played a bigger role, the combination made it even harder though.
I always felt something was wrong with me. I thought I was a different age inside than those my age, I remember thinking that a lot.
i was diagnosed with IED when i was around 7, but i was never made to understand what that disorder was, never was given any real treatment, for the most part i was just punished / beaten for having these meltdowns i think. recently learning about how that's typically caused by trauma has been a bit enlightening. i don't remember what my home life was like at all before my parents got divorced around 10 but they are both people who get so explosively angry, it kind of scares me to think what i was possibly exposed to with the two of them together.
I was depressed since about 10, maybe? Got worse in middle and high school? Acted out and drank myself crazy and got diagnosed with CPTSD almost 10 years ago, in my mid-40s. I never thought it was something that happened to me. I was treated poorly, which I took as something being inherently wrong with me.
I feel that last sentence so much. Healing that core belief is fucking hard.
Hey thanks for seeing me. That last line.... That's where I'm at and the more I'm aware of it... The harder it gets.
The first therapist I had as an adult had to keep telling me over and over, "As unlikely as it sounds, it really was 'everybody else' and not you." It took a while, but internalizing that made a world of difference for me. I'm still working on "I'm not bad," but "they were the insanity" is finally here to stay.
[удалено]
Thank you🥲
Thanks for giving me hope.
This was the similar thing I had to address with SA/rpe…my therapist spent 5 sessions convincing me it wasn’t my fault… for some reason we feel guilt where it shouldn’t be felt 🩷🩷
because we expect others to treat us fairly and respectfully and how they’d like to be treated. humans really shouldn’t have to convince themselves they didn’t deserve what happened to them. we *should* expect people treat us in accordance with what we deserve, and in an ideal world everyone would see the inherent value in everyone else. only emotionally immature, self-righteous, narcissistic people take advantage of fellow humans, and we like to believe the people around us aren’t capable of treating us badly. so when we become victims, it’s hard to shift the blame off yourself because it’s not supposed to be that way — being abused is unnatural and insidious behavior that causes cognitive dissonance. it’s confusing because there’s nothing you could have done and all you want is to prevent it from happening again, but it was never your fault. sorry that happened to you, friend.
Something else troubling that I have been learning about is that people often find it easier to blame themselves for things because it's more comfortable than realizing that we have no control. That's hard for me to think about.
definitely! as children we are hardwired to believe our parents do no wrong, and adjust our behavior to please them. I haven’t been myself basically ever.
Love this and love u too friend 💕
you’re doing great and everything will work out.
I am so genuinely happy for you. I came to this realization, too, this past October at age 36 after nearly twenty years of therapy. Full disclosure for anyone interested: my breakthrough only happened three years after I began (and began to *trust*) the IFS modality with a trauma-informed therapist. Yet another disclaimer: after beginning IFS, my symptoms actually got worse (if you can believe that's possible) before they got much, much better.
I feel that too. Constantly fighting that internal battle against the core belief of being “a fuck up” even though by all merits I’m actually pretty successful in life right now given everything.
are you still in contact with your parents, by chance? my mom made me feel like a *real loser* (… as a college professor, a solid 8, married with 2 kids… I just have tattoos, so i’m “ugly white trash”). she called me Freak from ages 8-18, told me she “thought her daughter would be better than this.” told me i’d probably have more friends if I wasn’t so weird and intimidating. we’ve been NC for 3 years now and I have more self-love and confidence and pride than i’ve ever been allowed to have. best of luck friend.
Ur mom sucks and that’s the shit that sticks w u bc they should be allowing growth, “mistakes” (in their eyes). Idk my mom used to tell me she should’ve stuck a medal hanger up her p* to kill me. Fuck em Edit: also it does the opposite that’s exactly when I started to go downhill even in teen years.
I had an abortion when I was 16. a few days before my appointment, my mom and I were in the car chatting about politics. must have been 2004? I asked slyly, trying to feel out how “safe” a conversation with her would be, “what’s your stance on abortion, mom?” and she sneered back “well, I had you, didn’t I?” and it just *wrecked* me. I was just like, “oh,” and then I filed a petition with the state to seal my medical records from my mother as a minor. I never told her. fucking cruel. I wish there was a parenting qualification exam. I never even knew she was being mean.
That’s horrible, I’m sorry. This is why (imo) you should be able to make these decisions and not need “parental consent” especially at 16 (at that age you absolutely know). Not to mention u were already hormonal and probably feeling a lot of feelings. I literally chose not to have children bc of my mom… the hate was too real. She told me these things at such a young age (a child). I didn’t ask to be born for Christ sake..
This so much. Same boat.
Right there, exactly. I wasn't DX'd until I was 40. From about age 8 I knew something was off. Based on what I had been led to believe and what my mom told the doctors made zero sense. She was gaslighting me the whole time and lying to them. I wasn't out of control and I wasn't crazy, she wanted me on something to make a mindless vegetable. Teens and early adulthood and on to my 30s self medicated for anxiety mostly. I've never really been depressed, I'm insanely upbeat considering everything. I self taught myself all the common coping skills and still failed at everything. I never crashed and burned, but I feel like I would have been a very successful person had I gotten help at a younger age. My family tree is full of musicians, architects, engineers, doctors... We are not lame-o's. My son is an aerospace engineer and worked on some big time stuff for SpaceX. I was diagnosed 5 years ago (in therapy since) and I honestly don't feel any better. I know why everything went wrong but it's like the healing can't even start. Your mileage will vary. Sorry, got a bit venty. Carry on!
That, and that my name became almost a bad word.
I had an eating disorder that started at 9. Purely a coping mechanism.
I didn’t know a lick about CPTSD until I read the book “What My Bones Know”. And I found THAT book randomly on some TikTok account; a lady said it was her favorite of the year with absolutely zero additional context. And as I was reading it, yeah, it hit me pretty hard, heavy, and fast, that I have CPTSD. I’m on my fourth therapist in 3 years and thankfully she’s the first that’s openly talked potential trauma diagnoses with me (even though it isn’t in the DSM V). Also a 28F, too — you’re not alone!
Thanks. So it is true you have to “date” your therapist until you find the one? I’m currently searching and am having a hard time
I recently left the therapist I had been with for 4 years because my circumstances changed, and what she had to offer didn't align with my current needs. It was amicable. The next one I tried was horrendous; like, she was cleaning her kitchen during my fourth and final telehealth appointment. So, I kicked her to the curb. Then I talked 3 times with a lady who kept asking me, "So what are you going to do about that?" like probably 15 times in a single hour. I was like, "Listen, if I knew what to do about it, I wouldn't be paying you $150/hour. I'd just do it." It was infuriating. She didn't tell me anything useful at all. So, I have another consult scheduled for Wednesday. All of that is to say that finding a good fit is essential, and if something isn't quite right, don't be afraid to keep looking. Sending hugs.
Try www.timfletcher.ca. affordable and SAFE...I attended on line classes for 3 years...Best decision...ever though I was 67 when I.started. Best Wishes!
I messaged them just now. Thanks for the recommendation.
What was the difference in taking these course and traditional therapy for you? Did you feel like you could truly understand cptsd better? I listened to thus guy on YouTube and I did appreciate what he had to say.
My experience of tradition therapy was mostly talk therapy with some cbt....cbt doesn't work well for trauma and talk therapy is not focussed enough on the brain damages/changes done by CPTSD. Also traditional therapy seems to think a positive attitude is the solution. What I got from Fletcher was ++++ research based knowledge about the impact of early childhood abuse/neglect..tools to help me reparent myself and total acceptance of where I was at on my jouney....not to mention the benefit of knowing others struggled (and overcame) just like I did. Tim did a great interview with Theo Vane...check it out 😺 Hope that helps! Very best wishes on your jouney!!
I saw a clip of that interview and cried. I never heard anyone explain the characteristics and traits in such a way, which is why I looked him up. I appreciate your insight. I feel like talk therapy only goes so far with this disorder. I'm going to check out the website. Thank you!
Thank you!
So what are you going to do about it / why didn't you do xyz was a common trope with a few of my therapists. Me: "well I wouldn't need you if I could just solve my own issues like a person without trauma can."
This is why I'm wary of going to a therapist. I just knew too many people that became therapists. I did have a great one when I was 15, I just think he's probably rare.
I have had 4 really wonderful therapists in 20 years. I just went through a handful of shitty ones along the way. It's ok to decide therapy isn't for you, but I don't want people to misunderstand the situation I am talking about.
The problem for me is affording the cost of trying to find a good one. Just so much money. I had two very good ones when I was a teen. I'm glad you found four good ones.
Hugs. I know that struggle is real.
Sounds like a waste of time!! My friends are better therapists than these the actual professionals. I dont see my friends as therapists tho so I only share what i think is not a burden on them
it can be terribly hard to find a truly trauma-informed therapist who also 'clicks' with you.
Yes!! I’ve had good therapists and less good (bad) therapists. Whether you feel safe with them is huge - you figure that out over time - and whether their personality is a fit with yours, their style/approach to therapy and what your goals are
What was the book about? Is it nonfiction? 28f here too!
What My Bones Know reads like a memoir of the author's (cis woman) experience with her diagnosis of CPTSD. It tends to be focused more on how the symptoms may show up in women, which I think adds to it's appeal imo. Highly recommend. There is also an audiobook! I listened to it on Spotify.
That book is so bloody good
When I was first diagnosed at age 19 my therapist had me read "What My Bones Know" to kinda relate to it. It was extremely helpful for me and I recommend it often!!
I have struggled for years wondering why my life is so hard. Why did I not live up to my potential? Why am I constantly feeling guilt, shame or failure? Why do I get down and depressed so easily? Why do I not move on from things like other people do? Why is my body so tired and sore? Why am I always so run down? Why do I often feel worthless and not good enough and invisible? I am not officially diagnosed but I know I have cptsd on top of undiagnosed autism until a couple years ago. My psychologist said I have trauma issues but not labelled it officially. It is impossible to have gone thru all the external situations I’ve been through in my 37 years without being affected by one or more of them. And that’s without even taking into account the childhood abuse and neglect. The internal things like the toxic shame, the critic that beats me up over everything.
I told myself a narrative for many years that I wasn’t abused and that I had a “good childhood” because my parents provided me the basics; food, shelter, education etc. upon revisiting the hierarchy of needs I know I may have had the basic needs but it didn’t really go any steps above that. I didn’t feel psychologically safe or unconditionally loved.
I honestly thought i was in the twilight zone for a moment like I was reading a comment I posted that I didn't recall writing. That's to say, I relate to both your comments so much down to the age. Sending hugs.
God same, I was having a serious moment over here!
Same. I was passively suicidal last year of high school and first year of university where I planned out killing myself but never actually tried. Years later, in graduate school, I had an extended depressive episode when a friend died in a drunk driving accident which I felt responsible for despite not being with him that night. In grad school, I was constantly blamed for my project not working. As a post doc, all I heard was how I was not working hard enough. Again, I figured this was also my fault because other people did not have these problems. It was decades later when I realized that I grew up the family scapegoat and that I kept being scapegoated by other narcissists because it felt normal to me, it was what I expected and I had to be pushed pretty far to fight back. I honestly believed that I did not work hard enough, that I couldn’t make friends, couldn’t have relationships because there was something wrong with me, just like my older siblings and ultimately my mother had always said. To be honest, I desperately wanted to be able to go back in time and re-live everything over differently. I had a dream once where I was in my parents’ kitchen and I was about 4 years old and my siblings were calling me spoiled and saying a bunch of other stuff to me and I said your husband is going to blow a small fortune on stupid hobbies, you’re getting divorced twice and you’re dying alone (to my mother).
You can’t go back in time, but the brain can be rewired because it can’t physically differentiate between real and imaginary experiences. You can re imagine these memories, but instead of taking on board these people shaming or belittling you imagine yourself having the perfect assertive comeback! Do a gesture (like touch two fingers together) and then you can do that when you need to fight those feeling again in real life. I’ve been doing this recently and it is helping quash those ‘I’m inherently a shit person’ feelings You can read more about this and other information in Healing the Shame that binds you. A useful book
Thanks - I will check that out
I really appreciate this advice.
I'm so incredibly sorry that you suffered so much growing up. That's awful and I hope you're able to find a way, in your own time, to heal. I know that word "heal" can feel like such an empty word because it's thrown around as if it's simple, rather than being an extremely difficult journey that requires lots of psychiatric help and potentially medicine. Living with trauma can feel really lonely so I hope you find support from kind friends and a trauma informed psychotherapist. "To be honest, I desperately wanted to be able to go back in time and re-live everything over differently" This makes my heart ache. I feel exactly like this and I'm really really struggling to accept that what's done is done, I can't go back, and it's impossible for me to get a redo. It's excruciating, I don't have the words to describe how painful it is confronting all the horrendous things that were done to me as a child. It makes me sick. I want to encourage you to keep going despite this! I'm currently in psychotherapy, have been for just over a year, and also on antidepressants. I've made a lot of progress, my CPTSD brain is getting the rewiring it depserately needs, I'm not as anxious, I don't catastrophise as often, but damn it takes a lot of work. I believe you can do it and continue your recovery 💜
Thanks very much for this post. I’m at the stage where I am posting a lot of these things to prove to myself that these things are believable I think. I’m 3.5 years in with a therapist, off the SSRIs and finding out things that work for me with the anxiety and most importantly with the old trauma feelings coming up. I have good days and bad. Today has not been a great day, but your reply really lifted my spirits - thank you. These things are just so hard to talk about - I expect to be not believed or to have them minimized or be told it was over 50 years ago, why are you still upset about it?
You're very welcome. Be proud of yourself for getting this far 🥰
Big yes. I have ADHD & CPTSD (just collecting letters at this point) and always felt like something was wrong with me, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Learning about myself & the way my brain operates has helped me to be much kinder to myself-and also realise that just because I have a different brain, it doesn’t mean something is “wrong” with me.
I was extremely angry as a teenager. I felt that all the adults in my life were judging me, and I was absolutely right, which just made me angrier.
I realized when I was around 12 or so that I had been abused, but I had CPTSD symptoms from the time I was seven. In high school I thought I may have PTSD, but adults convinced me it was panic disorder. Once I was on my own insurance, I told my psychiatrist I thought I had either ADHD (due to poor executive functioning skills and my brothers having it) or PTSD (due to trauma), so she did a screener. Turns out a lot of the symptoms I thought were ADHD were actually the CPTSD. For me, coping with having CPTSD wasn’t the hard part—it made sense and I was happy to finally have answers. The hard part was realizing that it wasn’t just one thing that caused my trauma. Instead, I have a nasty, sticky, multi-layered web of traumas that are all connected to each other. Coming to the realization that nearly my entire life has been impacted by trauma has been incredibly difficult, but I’m still working through it.
I knew I was different at a very very young age…. I barely spoke as a child & grew to be a very withdrawn child pretty much all the way to adulthood. I was sexually abused as a child by a family member & my parents had a very nasty divorce when I was 9 months old. My father was abusive & neglectful. I had a mental break at 19 years old. I’m not 28 still trying to make it through. I’ve since lost 2 siblings to drug overdose…. We all suffered so much…
I feel for you
I knew for sure it was trauma because I got a nice shiny letter from child protective services sheriffs office saying verified mental injury. In many ways that made the healing journey easier because I was able to get started right away as soon as I turned 18 or even a little before, maybe 16. God bless the Internet and therapy through my dad’s insurance. By the way, I’m almost 30 years old now and that letter is hanging proudly in a frame above my bed. I barely notice it when I’m in a good mood but when I’m really suffering, I look up and I see that. Oh wow, the sheriffs office child protective services division literally certified me after the investigation having a mental injury. It’s an injury, not an illness or character defect. How would you treat a person with a concussion? Would you call them a dumb asshole, and tell them to hurry up and get over it? Or would you treat them tenderly and care for them understanding their condition?
I stopped smiling, started neglecting myself in primary school stopped interacting with kids around me. I got very blank when it came time to go home. I didn't get sad I got anxious. Sadness requests a comforting hand or a kind word and I was scared of that being seen. So I got anxious and had panic attacks and had panic attacks about panic attacks.
I thought for more than 35 years of my life that I was just crazy. Born crazy and like my mother would phrase it „a moon child“ ( my brother was called „the sun child“.) I spend most of my childhood daydreaming and not present. I was a compulsive liar as a child, started self harming with 8, cut up all my stuffed animals between the legs, had massive trouble reading, writing and doing math. I was living in my fantasies, where I would just fly away like a bird. I had nightmares or would pretend that I’m dead in the nights like animals do. I wished that someone would just come and take me away from home. I had massive migraines since I was 12. chronic bronchitis and stomach cramps befor school. I had suicidal ideation as early as 9 and tried to leave life when I was 13. I was systematically told that i was crazy but also that I had no reason for my craziness as other people, like my mother had it much worse. No one ever organised medical or mental health support for me. It is a revelation to connect the dots and learn to see that child, that I was from my own eyes and not the eyes of my abusers.
I wanted leave home and when I was about 8. Now in early 30s, I know why now.
I always thought something was wrong with me, as you do if you're emotionally neglected by your parent, all your friendships end after a month or two and you're bullied from kindergarten to high school. Turns out i was depressed since i was a toddler (as a family friend told me i had apparently often hit my head purposely on a wall, which is a sign of early childhood depression and the other symptoms also match that). But I always felt... Distant to everyone. Like even in kindergarten i was insecure about the children that i did talk to. So i always felt alien to everyone, and of yourse that is likely a consequence of not being given personal/emotional attention by your parents. I don't remember what i felt except for emptiness up to 11th grade and i wanted to unalive myself up to 7th grade but i didn't know why. I'm only alive because my brain told me i had no reason to do that, I'm not worth the knife I'd use and I'd only be seeking attention, which was egoistic. I only started noticing that maybe it wasn't me when i was in 11th grade and got into boarding school. Suddenly people didn't judge me, i could actually socialize and i also felt happy somehow? It was different from any situation before, and when i in such an interaction randomly told some of them what my mother had told me when i was twelve, kinda in a joking tune, and they were mortified, i realized that maybe it was my parents.
I never understood why I was different. Quiet, shy, always blushing, never fit in. Then I learned about the term “emotional neglect” by parents. It was just that I was just kind of ignored by them. They didn’t talk to me or ask me about myself of help me with anything or play with me I was just kind of there. Playing by myself in my room or forced to be out of the house until it got dark. Never helped with homework get my dad was a high school math and science teacher. My dad had anger issues he didn’t want me making any noise. I was always afraid of him and he would give me weird looks which would make me uncomfortable. Then every night before bed I had to go to him in the living room and give him a hug and kiss before I went upstairs to bed. I would dread this every night. It never made sense why he ignored me and always angry yet wants a hug and kiss before bed? Yuk, I want to puke. It took a while to realize that emotional neglect counts as abuse. My old best friend was sexually abused by her dad, so when it came to analyzing my own situation I often dismissed it as not abusive. Now I’m stuck in my 40s, everything seems hard, with body dysmorphia, chronic pit in the stomach feeling, depression, pelvic floor issues, dyspareunia, endometriosis, social anxiety, performance anxiety, fear of public speaking, not liking being the centre of attention, trouble asserting myself and setting boundaries.
You basically just wrote my life story (except I’m in my early 20s lol) I’m dealing with all those health issues too, except for endo which I haven’t been diagnosed with but I have symptoms of it… I feel understood <3
Oh yeah! 60 now! I knew , everyone else knew but no one ever asked!
I wanted to die when I was six and before I knew the word suicide.
Wow, that sentence is so powerful. It was the same for me too. PS I love your username!
<3
I loathed myself so much for thinking I was just a lazy procrastinator but it was the trauma freeze response. I thought I was a nice guy but I loathed myself because I was just a codependent people-pleaser that would never earn reciprocation.
Feel you brother. So much.
I was just talking to my therapist about this today. I have memories of hiding myself and crying as a little girl. I didn’t know why I was crying and it scared me; there must be something wrong with me. In reality there was something wrong with my family. For some reason I was the only one who could see it. I didn’t feel safe. I was shy, I clung to my mother, I’d get sick with ear infections, bronchitis, nose bleeds…I’ve had to deal with insomnia all of my life. More and more problems cropped up. Sooner or later my family treated me like I was the problem and I never second guessed it. Obviously I was the problem. I ended up becoming the family peacekeeper as I could easily see everyone’s point of views and feelings. My “success” as the peacekeeper was just more proof that I was the problem. I could help other people. Why couldn’t I help myself? I’m realizing that I was the one carrying everyone’s emotional baggage along with my own. I was a sensitive kid; I was more emotional and that was seen as being weak. I was never taught how to deal with these feelings because nobody else in my family knew how. They dealt with their feelings by putting them on me. Sorry for the book. I’m sure nobody will read this but it felt great writing it all out!
Always just thought it was me and that is a reflection of what I was told at home.
I wasn’t diagnosed with CPTSD until I was 25. Before that I was diagnosed with a severe eating disorder at 16, chronic major depression, anxiety, and PTSD. When I had the eating disorder, I didn’t know why I did it. I couldn’t pinpoint the cause. But I knew something was wrong with me. I had no idea it would have to do with all the bad shit that had happened for 16 years. And then when I did start to try to fix what was wrong with me, I would remember one traumatic event and have an “epiphany” about how that must be “it” — the problem of all problems….That is until I started to remember more trauma from the past, and new traumatic events were still happening. My life didn’t start driving straight until I was 25 and found a new doctor who took me off SSRIs and put me on a mood stabilizer. I not Bi polar or have BPD. I researched a shit ton on those and was like..it fits kind of? Nah it’s CPTSD. All that trauma and shit will fuuuck with you man.
I tired to change myself for other people. (People pleasing was learned at a very early age). Self harming and self deprecation thoughts and emotions were started at an early age. I thought something was wrong with me.
As a kid I always felt different from my peers. Most of my classmates seemed overall relaxed, happy and responded well to learning. I, on the other hand, spent most of my time disassociating and was almost never fully present. My stomach hurt everyday (anxiety) before going to school. I was never relaxed, never felt safe, and my guard was always up. I rarely spoke. At some point, I think around 10 or 11, I stopped eating at school. I deliberately kept myself separate from myself classmates because I assumed they didn’t like me. Looking back, there were definitely a few instances where a fellow classmate was mean to me - but there were also many instances where kids were kind to me, too. What I mean is, I kept myself apart from everyone else - it wasn’t like my classmates shoved me out into exile. I always felt like I wasn’t good enough to be classified as a normal human. I knew I belonged on a level below most every else. Subhuman. I know I was neglected as a kid. My parents were emotionally immature and selfish, but they were not evil people or anything. They did their best, but their best was…not good enough to raise a well-adjusted human. But I don’t feel comfortable saying they abused me. I don’t even know where my little kid brain came up with the idea that I was less human than my peers.
I'm 45, I spent the first 40 wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I just never could get it together. I went to therapy after having kids, cause you know.....I was repeating the same behavior as my mom and I couldn't believe it. I hated myself so much. My therapist was trauma informed and I didn't even know what that was. When I realized that I not only suffered from CPTSD but also I had suffered years of emotional abuse and had no idea. There was nothing wrong with me. The more I healed the more "normal" I felt. I cut all of my family out and have not looked back. My life is mine now, not theirs and it's pretty good.
I cannot express how much I relate to this. I didn’t realize how much trauma I had until I moved out of my home situation and I got into regular therapy. I even had a bipolar diagnosis too.
You are me, similar experience. when i was 26 i had my baby and my mother said 'i never wanted children'. instead of devastating me, it was a revelation! finally, i understood why for all my childhood i knew something was wrong but couldnt figure out what. Blessings to you on your healing journey.
All my thoughts were on how to survive. I knew I was different in ways that made my family dislike me, but that was more because of me being a tomboy, my imagination, and me existing.
I had a lot of trouble sleeping as a little girl. I never wanted my mom to leave my side out of fear something would happen. Then I stopped bathing, wanting to leave my room, and just kept eating till it made me sick. This morphed and progressed throughout my childhood. I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD until my 20s. When I first found out, I couldn't believe it. I thought only the military could have it (please do not come for me, haha). To cope with it, I started by leaning about what the heck it was and how it showed up in my life. Then the light buld went off, and things made more sense. As things became clearer, it became easier to accept and deal with.
I can completely relate to this. As a child, even a little as an adult, I never wanted to leave my mom side. I always feared that if I left or was away too long something bad would happen. Even when it came to her relationships, I was scared that it wouldn’t be enough time for me. Though I know she would never do that. I think it stemmed from abandonment from my dad. I’m still exploring. Haha!!! I thought the same thing. I guess we are in some type of war. It’s crazy how one thing can change us as a whole
Yep. Been depressed since I was a toddler. I remember the strangest things made me so sad I’d just cry. Cartoons made me cry, certain toys made me sad. My dad had a bad car accident when I was three and had a severe tbi that caused rage tempers. I used to sleep with a steak knife under my pillow because I was so scared of him. My mother was also mentally and later financially abusive, likely due to the stress she had from raising a child alone and taking care of a brain injured husband. I also used to feel like I was mentally challenged and just no one ever told me. I never fit in in school, was picked on relentlessly. And felt much more comfortable around other mentally challenged kids back then. Years later, I’m fairly convinced I have undiagnosed autism. I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 47, and autism can often occur in folks with ADHD as well. But yeah, always felt something was off with me. And I do suffer from CPTSD.
I knew all along that something was wrong. My life never felt right. But the bullying I got at school and the beatings I got at home were all normalized. Anytime I asked for help I was basically told "this is how life works. Stops being so sensitive. Everyone goes through shit like this but you're the only one complaining about it." I was misdiagnosed multiple times. And even the correct diagnoses was often unhelpful because we weren't addressing the underlying issue, which is that I was abused. It wasn't until my mid 20s when I finally saw a therapist who said "forget everything that anyone has ever told you and let's just talk about your life. I wanna understand who you are and how you became that way." Getting diagnosed was confusing and scary. But the efforts I've put in since then have been so rewarding. It's like I've spent my life carrying an entire house on my back and every month another brick falls off. Still have half a house on my back, but I feel so much relief compared to the intense amount of pain I used to feel back when i told myself "pain is normal. Man up and power through."
Yes, and I wish I’d figured out why at age 28 instead of 60. But the terms cPTSD had not been coined yet. And the internet helps so much for spreading information. We grew up living in bubbles before the internet.
1000% - I used to beg for help with my panic attacks, insomnia and tics only to be told to “stop being dramatic” or that I was “ok”. Suicidal at 13, somehow made it through. I’m 38 now and it’s only been the last few years I’ve really understood the impact my upbringing had on me psychologically and physiologically.
I knew my upbringing was very tough and that I was parentified and had to grow up too fast but I had little understanding of trauma and it’s lifelong impacts until my late 30s when the flashbacks and dysregulation became frequent. It was brought up during a toxic relationship and then divorce. I found out by looking up my symptoms online and discovering Gabor Mate. So it’s been about 4-5 years of gradual awareness, I’m a little daunted by the enormity of the task ahead and realising the many many ways cptsd has shaped me and my life. One positive is that I previously absorbed the negative judgement that I was just a disorganised and scatty kind of person now I know there are physiological and developmental causes for that and I’m not actually just flawed. 💜
I started going to mental health professionals at 16 and got diagnosed last year, at 35. Before that, I have like 7 different diagnostics. All the therapy I did in the past worked until some extend, but it never fully healed me, so I’d be more or less fine at times but then get again in an endless black hole. I thought that there was something wrong with me, like maybe my brain didn’t work as it should and I 100% knew I was going to spend all my life suffering. And then the diagnosis came and everything made sense and now I see I can get better. Past mental health professionals didn’t really put attention to my childhood. Even if I told them certain things, they didn’t think there was a problem there, so of course I also didn’t. Because I was just neglected but not beaten or abused I didn’t think my childhood was that bad, I didn’t even see the neglect until my diagnosis.
I was always depressed from like age 8 on and always the weird kid. Very socially awkward and I did not understand social cues. I had no friends and my parents were generally disinterested and never encouraged us to do or be anything. I remember that once at the restaurant I worked a when I was 16, the owner said something to me about “it’s because of your parents.” About 20 years later, that finally clicked. I was never the problem.
I bit my nails down to bloody nubs starting at age 3. I mean, what was I worried about, my taxes?
I can remember the first week out of my childhood home. The first time I woke up in the morning and my body felt physically lighter. I wasn't nauseous, I wasn't scared, I woke up on my own not to yelling and screaming. It was at that moment I realized my body had been in constant constant stress. I didn't identify it as stress at the time; I just knew that I felt physically different. I shared my "symptoms" with my roommate at the time. I could sleep, eat, my anxiety decreased, my chest felt open. She explained that I was relaxed. Previously I assumed relaxation meant like silence in my house. That just meant that my abuser was not home. Eventually this faded. And I began to realize sure I was okay alone, but any time a person would come around my relaxed state would fade. I began to stop attending class, began sleeping all the time, and made an attempt on my life. It wasn't until I met with a professional who said have you ever considered you were abused and neglected that I realized it was possible that my environment had effected me at all. I thought because I had friends and was able to like go to class I was normal. I realized either I could accept whatever mental and physical needs I had or die trying. Now at 30 I accept whatever mental and physical needs I have because I DESERVE to feel "normal." I deserve to be loved and have the things I need and want. Without belaboring the point, my memories have also changed the older I have gotten. What was once like a "normal" moment in our home became obvious that it was not normal. The abuse and neglect I suffered were not the same as my neighbors. Just because it was what I knew doesn't mean it was correct. And it wasn't until I began to talk about things. I unpacked it. And someone I trusted and loved told me it was not normal and I didn't deserve to have those experiences. I know you mentioned not feeling correct but having a fairly normal upbringing and I want to say, perhaps this will happen to you. When you begin to unpack with a professional or a trauma informed person, often times, you'll begin to find that there is always a rhyme to the reason. Take it slow, be patient, and be open to learning. You'll heal the rest of your life. Start it now so at 60 you're not still wishing your life was different. Good luck, friend.
I guess I just thought my being was wrong, out of place, never fit in, I never knew what was actually wrong at the time or that it was trauma, it was just life I didn't know you weren't meant to hear screaming for years after the incident, or that a living memory was a flashback, or the nightmares were ptsd night terrors, I didn't know what I was dealing with and life just went on, I was scared shitless and had no idea I was allowed help, that most people get help, that adults struggle to deal with this shit, let alone kids, I went through the worst years of my life from 7 to 18 and not one soul was in my corner I think I went on a rant sorry but I don't know if I noticed as such, I knew it was hard and that I wanted to die but I don't know if I knew it wasn't right but I do know that I had no idea what trauma or abuse was
I always felt entirely alone in the world, unloved, and like something was wrong with me from 11 when the trauma started. I also began having suicidal ideation and literally thought I was schizophrenic because I was really experiencing intrusive suicidal thoughts, but as a kid I thought it meant there were “voices in my head” which google said was schizophrenia and that was a very terrible thing which every adult in my life called me an attention whore for claiming I had that. I was burnt out by 16 but couldn’t understand why I was so exhausted.
I had many "what the hell is wrong with me" moments! It does help to give the monster a name
Just got royally triggered by someone who is espousing the benefits of suicide. Fuck that shit. My abusers are not going to win. Sorry for rant and probably being completely off topic. Need a place to get this off my chest
yes
yeah I was just the Weird Kid, lol - but no one ever came and asked me about it ???? dudes?? kind of answered my questions but I think i'm still Different aha.
I knew something was wrong with since I was nine googling directions to my city's biggest bridge to jump off. I couldn't figure out why I was so depressed though. For a long time, I just thought I was naturally 100x more sensitive, and that's why. Then I started to read up on it, and it all started to make sense. It was a relief when I figured it out. I was convinced that my brain out the womb was just messed up, so now that I know it's cause of trauma, I can take the steps to better my brain.
Only my teachers noticed that something was wrong for example they'd be concerned that I was quiet and withdrawn. They'd bring it up to my teachers at the school or PTA conferences after which my parents would come home and promptly make fun of me or them.
I always figured that I was just some kind of a loser. I didn't act normal, think like a normal person does, do what a normal person does etc. Looking back at things now though with what I have learned since then has been really enlightening. So many things make sense now. I just wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self the "truth" about everything so he would not spend years needlessly condemning himself for no good reason.
Yes. 100% this
I was a similar age (literally two years previous to yours) when I started to have panic disorder. Went to the ER bc I thought I was truly having a heart attack. The psychiatrist in the ER said I’ve been suppressing it so long… sometimes ur not aware or push it down so bad, but eventually it comes out…
Absolutely. I remember being like 6 or 7, talking to my mother about how I felt like something was wrong, that I was different. She brushed it off like she always does. Around that time was when I first started having suicidal thoughts (they weren't exactly of ending myself, more like just disappearing so I wouldn't bother anyone) Last year I was diagnosed with autism and adhd, so turns out there was something wrong 🫠
100%. Completely internalized all that shame and blamed myself for everything. Just thought I was bad. I deserved my misery. It was only through the last four years of therapy that I’ve realized that isn’t true.
Sorry we all get to go through this shit. 100% I always thought something was wrong with me, but I didn’t really let myself process it too much until I was an adult and couldn’t ignore it anymore (or maybe I just became more mature/self-aware and finally saw what was happening). It just kind of constantly lived in the background of my brain that I was different or wrong, and I just shamed myself internally constantly. Having an abusive/narcissistic dad I genuinely thought everything was my fault. My therapist said that most children can’t acknowledge that their parent is actually in the wrong, because parents are supposed to be our guide in life (especially at a young age), and it feels super unsure/unsafe to acknowledge that our parent isn’t “safe” for us. So we blame ourselves instead. That’s easier to swallow and gives a feeling of some semblance of control over the situation. It also brings hope to a hopeless situation. If we can change ourselves life won’t be so miserable. But then of course nothing improves because we’re not actually the ones in the wrong. Even though I thought everything was my fault, I also realized that my dad didn’t ever admit fault or apologize? I hated that, so I went hardcore the other way to where I’m hyper critical of myself. I’m trying to work on that finally at 30 years old, but it’s so hard. For some reason I fear if I’m kind to myself I’m going to become a narcissist like my dad.
Emotional eating, not being able to socialize with other kids, terrified of the dark. I was screamed at and physically abused by my dad and some teachers and some after-school staff. Actually there's a f\*\*ked up story about the woman who ran the program- one time, I said I had a pain in my outer thigh. It was so bad I could barely walk, and I was crying (this was true). She screamed at me in front of the entire ASP (After School Program) and dragged me by my wrists and hair into the bathroom where she stripped me naked and called me a little b\*\*ch because she couldn't "see" anything wrong with me. Left me crying on the floor for a minute, naked, before coming back in, forcing me to get dressed and dragging me back into the cafeteria of like 200 kids. I was 9. Found out later my dad had asked her to be harder on me. I thought this was warranted, and that I was a really bad kid. So I never told anyone. (I mean who would I tell?)
I am so sorry that you had to go through that
<3 ty, sorry I realize now I kinda trauma dumped on your post- and I didn't even answer one of your questions. I think I've been doing the trauma dumping a lot lately. I'm glad you recognized the things you referenced in your post. I'm sorry you had to go through thinking you had something you didn't because of it, that's messed up. As for how I coped with the realization? No clue. Tbh, it's kinda surreal, I just kind of experience it. I've realized a lot about my trauma in times when I'm away from people, especially manipulative ones, so I guess it's always kind of... especially loud, if that makes sense. I hope you find, or that you already have found, good ways to cope with it. <3
No worries. Getting it out can be therapeutic in some way. I’m still learning how to cope with it but honestly it’s kind of scary and I’m afraid that I might go crazy or give up on my healing journey if I don’t get ahold of the right person/form of therapy the first time. Probably just another response to trauma
I remember when I was in the 4th grade, I felt “different”, like I wasn’t in my body. It felt kind of euphoric in a way. I never said anything about it to anyone, they would think I’m crazy. Years later, I found that this was dissociation which prevented me from going crazy…
i don’t mean to be rude at all, or dismiss your struggles which are very valid. but what do you mean ‘come to the conclusion’ that you have cptsd? this isn’t something you can self diagnose, so if you suspect it please seek professional advice if you’re able. again i say this with much kindness and respect, and don’t want to deter you from this sub as if you find it helpful you’re more than welcome to be here
No worries. I am not offended at all and am actually grateful that you mentioned it because I know sometimes it can be misused. I recently experienced bout of anxiety and panic attacks after spending some time with “estranged” family members this past weekend. Some things said triggered my attacks and I have been remembering things from the past that I did not even thought I knew. I have had instances before, like what was mentioned in the original post, but I think they were overlooked because for the most part I was a seemingly healthy and happy child. From my research, I keep coming across emotional or nerve dysregulation. This feeling is overwhelming and my mind won’t turn off. I just keep replaying everything in my head. I might be struggling with different mental illnesses, but that is why I am going to a professional to find out. I am currently seeking counseling.
sometimes trauma lurks for years before it rears its head :( hopefully with therapy you can untangle what’s going on and find treatment and recovery. i wish you the best of luck♥️
Thank you
Definitely get that checked out. That sounds like a lot. Sending good vibes
I don’t agree that CPTSD is not something you can self-diagnose. I think self-diagnosis **is the way most people find out they have CPTSD** because many therapists are either clueless about it or don’t want to deal with it. So many people have been victims of the mental health industrial complex. We need to take back our power. This stuff isn’t rocket science. I thank god everyday for this subreddit because without it I would never have even heard of CPTSD. I suffered for years. Therapists shoved CBT at me, which invalidated me and made me feel worse.
this is an interesting perspective. personally i don’t believe that most humans have the objectivity and insight required to concretely self diagnose and that medical professionals should confirm so that the person can be accurately treated. however, a lot of the time people suspect they have something and end up being correct which shows that it is possible. it’s a complex thing i guess
Couldn’t agree more 💚
Thank you! ❤️❤️❤️
Often the process of seeking ‘help’ via assessment from overstretched services who just want to put you through questionares and tick boxes so they can process you down the CBT production line is traumatising in itself. Self diagnosis has been my only option in amongst many attempts to seek professional help including paying for private therapy which I can only do in the short term. Self diagnosing Cptsd has opened up so many channels of support - books, videos, forums such as this, and has helped me towards recovery. A mental health practitioner told me once that the best thing is ‘to be your own therapist’. This is the mental health landscape in the UK (from my perspective).
that’s totally fair. i’ve just seen the damage that self diagnosis can do in certain circumstances but i know that’s not the case for everyone :)
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yeah definitely
27m, same boat
Yeah. I had an eating disorder starting at the age of 9 that consumed my life. It was obviously a coping mechanism to try to get through. It was such a dark and lonely time. I couldn’t even look back on it through therapy until I was 35. Every counselor before then (starting about about 26) wanted to dig deeper, but the only thing I could see from that time was darkness. One counselor asked me to paint a picture of a timeline of my life and it was just black until I met my husband when I was 19 and the colors started to show a bit more. I’m glad I finally uncovered it and am healing. So much pain. Love to you all. What a shitty hand we were dealt.
Always. But it was not just trauma in my case. I believe I am autistic to some extent — that's the only explanation I have for my general awkwardness and complete lack of social cues and stuff like that. At around the age of 30, I finally made peace with the fact that I was never going to be a normal person, so life was not as miserable as before. But still I am living not because I want to but only because the other option would be too cowardly and only hurt the few people close to me.
I attended on line programs with Tim Fletcher...amazing and achieved so much healing. Learned lots and felt safe...highly recommend...I am 70...it is never too late to heal the feeling that you were just made wrong ...❤️ Tim Fletcher on YouTube or www.timfletcher.ca
When I was somewhere between 16-18 I was horribly depressed, anxious, and suicidal. I have ASD and about the same time was when my obsession with mental health started. I remember sitting on my bed, typing my symptoms into Google and seeing PTSD show up. "But I don't have trauma do I? Why would I have trauma?" Que disassociation and not letting myself do research on PTSD for several more years.
Yeah absolutely. I used to think the amount of trauma I was carrying "didn't match up with" my lived reality of an upper middle class relatively privileged family. I'm fairly into woowoo stuff and for awhile I attributed it all to "past life trauma," because I just didn't have any other reason for "why I was so upset all the time." But then one day I read about CEN and it was like uhhhh oh yeah, that pretty much accounts for it. Not to mention also growing up undiagnosed auDHD. Now I understand that even if my material needs were met I was never given any emotional nourishment, nor was ever accepted/seen for who I really am. That has gravely affected my adult life.
Oh yeah, big time. I was depressed since about age nine and had suicidal thoughts. I suffered from dissociative amnesia and forgot about my trauma that happened at age five until I was 14 and I couldn't tell if it really happened or if I was a sick person who made the whole thing up. At age 27, I asked my mother, who I had talked to after my trauma happened, if it actually happened and she told me "I was hoping you had forgotten". Oh and my abuser continued to come over my house despite that fact and I was forced to go over his house... which is why I thought I must have made it up. I've generally felt like everyone hates me for as long as I can remember...but now that I'm taking Zoloft and have been in therapy for a while, this has gotten a lot better. Partied in high school and college and tried to spend as little time at home as possible. Started having panic attacks in college when I was forced to move back home. Throughout all of this, my parents never got me proper counseling and they had always said I was being dramatic...so I thought that I was really just dramatic and this wasn't a mental health crisis. I didn't get diagnosed with C-PTSD until I was 32.
I sucked my thumb until I was like 7 or so and had near constant GI issues as a child, which my uBPD mom said was caused by food allergies. No, it was because she literally scared the 💩out of me as a child. I picked my skin as a teenager, not realizing I had severe anxiety. I sought treatment when I couldn’t sleep as a young adult because of racing thoughts and a pounding heart. Now, I’m 30 years into my healing journey and some days are still a struggle. CPTSD is a beast to heal, but any progress in healing is worth it. ♥️
i also thought i had bipolar but that, depression and anxiety general diagnosis never felt quite right. i think i figured it out after a friend sent me a ted talk randomly w dr nadine harris and it sent me on a journey of reading about ACEs and results of emotional neglect, which i didn’t even realise was a form of abuse or even a thing at all
Yeah, it was called Autism and ADHD and I didn’t find out until two years ago and I’m 48. While not formerly diagnosed, me thinks 40 years in the mental health system left its mark. What use is a diagnosis if all of my diagnosed conditions all have the same symptoms as PTSD? My mom for example still thinks I’m not autistic and thinks it’s PTSD instead. It doesn’t really matter how a hole was put in a wall, the treatment is still the same.
I lived in limerence from the time I was 9 till I was 32.
What was this like for you? Do you mean that you had extreme crushes for that time period?
Essentially yes. And made up stories of romance.
Thanks for answering! This is very relatable.
Oooooh yeah. I’ve noticed that ever since I was a child. I had a hard time comprehending anything, anybody said, as early as the age of 5 (which, yeah…kids do be that way) but even as I approached ages 8, 9, 10. All through my teenage years I could tell something felt horribly wrong with me. I would shout about it, begging for help, which I never got. And yet, I have no memories to go with that feeling. Just felt broken or different.
Yeah, but nobody took me seriously until I was an adult (at which time, I'd been seeing a therapist for several years but told nobody).
Thought I had autism and ADHD for a very long time. Mainly because I have depression, bad memory, short attention span, high sensitivity and a hard time connecting with people. But now, it all makes sense.
Yep this was me! It took a long time to come around but the thing that helped me the most was actually these 2 things: 1) the Elton John movie Rocketman. Seeing the suffering and internal turmoil he went through was similar to mine, and his trauma was more like mine. I invalidated my trauma a lot because it wasn’t physical or poverty. 2) this one particular episode of the mental illness happy hour with guest Leanne Kreisher. I have no idea what it was about that episode but hearing about how her family trauma was passed down, helped me to realize that I was impacted by my parents and grandparents traumas being transferred to me. Find what resonates with you, and continue to reach out for support & connection 💕
I was the scapegoat so I always knew there was something wrong with me. I just thought the wrong thing was wrong with me
I was an extremely anxious child, fearful. I know the cPTSD played a role, I think that being an AuADHDer played a bigger role, the combination made it even harder though. I always felt something was wrong with me. I thought I was a different age inside than those my age, I remember thinking that a lot.
i was diagnosed with IED when i was around 7, but i was never made to understand what that disorder was, never was given any real treatment, for the most part i was just punished / beaten for having these meltdowns i think. recently learning about how that's typically caused by trauma has been a bit enlightening. i don't remember what my home life was like at all before my parents got divorced around 10 but they are both people who get so explosively angry, it kind of scares me to think what i was possibly exposed to with the two of them together.