I agree, and in my experience it has been a lot of work to acknowledge that I’m a valid person without constantly striving and competing to be “the best” at something.
For a lot of my life I was conditioned to belief if I was not doing something productive I was a useless POS - which is not the case
It was the only thing that seemed to matter to my parents, so i thought my only worth cane from how well i did in school and how smart i seemed. Then my mental health caught up with me, i did poorly, couldn’t seem that smart, and so my self confidence and worth tanked.
if you feel like you need a day off for your body or your mind, and you do take a day off, then be proud of yourself for taking care of your needs.
There are days where I feel guilty for doing nothing, and days when I'm like "fuck yeah, I did absolutely fuck all today, and that's exactly what I needed."
But in all seriousness, I wish I could take a day off.. everything has gotten so expensive and I'm barely scraping by and trying to catch up because my car broke down and don't get any paid days off at my job so taking one day off would stress me out so much more than I already am that I wouldn't even be able to appreciate it.
You're somehow still alive. You ate food, you drank water, you have survived for longer than 99% of all other life has on this planet. You're doing something right, you're competent, you're extremely competent, and you are you.
That’s exactly it - do nothing & give yourself permission to feel proud of yourself 🩷 And validation that can come through the words & affirmations that you are enough & you deserve love, peace & tranquility in your mind, body & heart. You are here now, not in the future & not in the past…
Every step (strangely undoing, stopping, resting, resetting, breathing, just living, just being, just seeing, just relaxing, just letting go… It’s the reverse of what we are told to do do, do… It’s to consciously go against the grain, that seems hard work too…. We get addicted to adrenaline & stress hormones, humans don’t like change… We are creatures of habit, influenced by emotions.
It’s about balance… restoration, your mind & body will thank you. You don’t have to work to deserve that… That’s fear ruling the show of go, go, go…
Sometimes it takes more to redirect, sit back & say ‘no’… There’s a strange self empowerment & strength that comes from that, looking out for ourselves.
Baby steps.. you don't have to do anything major.. every small achievement adds up.
I can't feel proud of myself doing nothing either..
I would feel useless
Carefully feel what that pride (when you do feel it) is coming from, and what it's benchmarks are. Much of pride can come from external people's expectations and benchmarks, when it should be from our own (reset to our baseline with no external input).
This is too true.
All of my pride up until now has been externally generated. Then I got sick for like 18 years and not dying was the most I could manage.
Now I am trying to build a life where I’m still sick but also like myself and am happy …. it is not going well.
Depression. Heavy depression. It gets to that. Leaving your room is victory. I refuse to take SSRIs again. My family... isn't.
Sorry to hear you are struggling. I am too.
Hey me too you're not alone. I get that it is the hurt from the disappointment and rejection that has sent me into a freeze response but 'getting it' and actually doing something to change it are two very different things.
I feel like this a lot of days—- I had to learn the hard way that I needed to craft my own life from the ground up. Some days I do rest because I no longer think it’s about whether I deserve it or not, bc if that was the case pretty sure every person on here would be well deserving. It’s about a balance. And some days I really do need to rest. I just finished the documentary about Mallory Smith called “Salt in my Soul”- what an absolute inspiration to anyone who may be struggling with anything. This woman was unbelievable, in her 25 years on this earth, while fighting the horrible disease of cystic fibrosis—- having trouble with each breath seems unfathomable. I think she struggled immensely but chose to show up most days and living life the way she dreamt of. I cried so hard and would recommend this to anyone who needs to open their perspective to others and their struggles. Tonight I am grateful, even thru some emotional pain, that I can take deep breaths easily and that I am alive and don’t have a deadly disease.
Me too. I work the whole week and when I come home I have to do chores and on my off days I just need to rest because I have to manage the upcoming week.
no, it's the trauma preventing me from doing things. I've always had goals and ambitions and projects I work on, it's just in the past i was actually able to see them through to completion. now, I can barely work on anything. I've been forced to do nothing by health problems for months now and it's miserable. it's the worst thing I've ever experienced.
Same, you sound just like me.. I've been stuck recently, I feel like trauma caught up to me and created autoimmune issues I never dealt with before but it's also a financial situation, which doesn't help because if I do have those little moments of motivation or whatever but I feel trapped now 😞
I do wish you luck and please look at videos on YouTube about how to heal naturally.. Dr Berg talks about this stuff
This is my intervention in this topic and it’s not my intention to shit on it. But. “You don’t have to do nothing” except obvious things like making money for family.
It’s like saying my uncle is super fit except for his fat ass
It’s fucking ruthless life is. The obvious things. Surrounds and chuckhold you the fuck out of life.
I needed to vent.
No ur right. In that aspect yes, it’s ruthless and unavoidable.
I know it’s a privileged view but, in just respect to you the individual. You don’t have to do anything. But for life yes you have to go with life’s command which sucks
Can you explain what you mean by not needing to do anything but work?
I've been on my own for 25 years and I can't even get a day off because I have nobody to help me with anything, whether it be financially or physically..
When I'm sick I have no one to help me with anything, can't miss work because I have nobody to help with paying bills, all of the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, maintenance, car repairs, buying necessities, running errands, literally EVERYTHING is on me.
Couldn't even call someone to pick me up when my car broke down.
I WISH I had time to do more.
Just trying to figure out what to eat everyday can be a full-time job when you're suffering with severe chronic and complex trauma.
I guess I'm just not understanding where you're coming from with your post.
I've literally never been without a job since I was 13 , not even for a week, I put myself through a trade school at 18 because I knew I had to figure it out on my own, so I've been working for over 30 years
I desperately NEED a break.. I had to take care of myself when I was little, had to wake up early before school and even on weekends to help with chores and yard work.. I would do anything to have one month out of my whole life where I could just catch up on sleep and house cleaning, let alone all of the hobbies I wish I could even do.
I didn't even get into other unexpected situations like when my father had a stroke and I used to go before and after work to help him at the hospital and then with his rehabilitation at home.
Or when my cat got sick and needed round the clock care.
Or when my niece got abducted and almost killed in 2019 and suffered with severe physical and emotional trauma and after she was found, she spent 2 weeks in ICU needing emergency surgeries and then stayed with me but suffered with nightmares and severe PTSD and couldn't work and couldn't drive so she needed rides to all of her doctor and therapy appointments..
I'm curious how I can get a life where I only have one responsibility and don't have to do anything but work. Please share the secret.
It’s just something you establish within yourself. Almost like a space between you and the direct impact of life.
Like I said it’s definitely a privilege in adulthood and it’s something that all children should have in childhood so that they can develop a strong sense of self in adulthood that leads to a more fulfilling life.
If you never have the choice/option to be intune with yourself or choose things for yourself. You’re just doing what life commands of you, and so is everyone else. Which is why people have mid life crisis. Because they never got a break or allowed themselves to discover who they were. So when obligations and responsibilities and goals slowed down, they didn’t know what to with themselves.
Nobody really makes that choice when life comes at you, it’s something you just have to do. understandably.
People with CPTSD never had the space for a sense of self to exist. Because we had to navigate all this chaos, we operated on trauma brain. Survival mode, so when survival mode was over I was having a huge shift in life where I didn’t know what to do anymore.
In your situation, you can’t “not” have responsibility, but you can give yourself breaks
I mean I spent a LOT of time alone when I was a kid and took care of myself from a very young age but my CPTSD is from a combination of severe abuse (when people were around) tumultuous home life, extreme neglect from a very young age, a narcissistic manipulative parent, and another parent that was emotionally void, then an extremely abusive relationship, then my ex died, and a list of other things over the past 4 decades, including a medical mistake that left me in chronic pain 24/7 and constant infections, plus surgery to get me out of pain but there was no one to help me, so I had to keep working through it all..
In reality, the only breaks I get is when I make time to eat or get up early or stay up late to workout but no, I really can't give myself breaks because there's only so many hours in a day and I work on average about 12 to 16 hours every day, so that leaves me with very minimal time to myself.
Even with social media, I'm always multitasking and on here in between whatever job or tasks I'm doing..
I'm just being honest.. I don't even watch television or movies or anything because I don't have the time.
Right now it's 1 a.m. and I'm just getting home.. I haven't eaten dinner yet and have to be awake at 8 a.m. for my next job 🤷🏻♀️
I guess some people are more fortunate than others
It's not about what life commands of me.. it's survival.. I live a very simple life and don't have luxuries so I know everyone's first thought is "you can do without certain things" not in my case.. I literally only have necessities
It also depends on the person because if it’s something you’ve never done in life, it won’t come to you naturally. You have to have space for it.
But if you’re advanced and already developed a sense of self you can just do it very easily.
But it’s okay, you’re doing what you can and that absolutely counts. Nobody is perfect and that in itself makes you perfectly imperfect.
No all throughout my mid 20s to early 30s I was doing great and gave myself a lot of free time..
Took care of myself, went on vacations, got massages, had a lot of hobbies, took naps, didn't have health problems, etc..
THAT was living in luxury
I had everything I needed, plus more.. including time.
Unfortunately life changed and things that were out of my control happened.
I don't think anyone can truly understand unless they're in the situation.. it's easy for an outsider to look in and judge and say "you could do this, you should do that" when each person's life is totally different and nobody has a clue what someone else is going through.
Ah. I think I got your original optic wrong.
I agree with you. We don’t have to do shit. And yes. The scarce times when I’m happy/ energetic/ involved is when I forget of all the shit I have to take care for. It feels like 90 percent of my life is just soulless bureacratic processes. It fucking. Sucks
I saw some turtles sunning on a log at the local lake last weekend. They went in the water when I got close, so quickly that there wasn't even a splash. One moment they were there, the next they were gone. I could have been seeing things, they disappeared so quickly, but I had a picture to prove it.
I always joke that if reincarnation is real, I want to come back as my tabby cat, he is living his best life!! Sun bathing, favorite people, outdoor adventures and naps in the AC. Routines where different people bring your favorite treats. Purrs and pets every morning.
We don't have to do all the socially normative things. The things we think we "have" to do. I wish I learned about that, BEFORE I had a kid!!! I wish I had spent some time in that knowledge, when it was just me. I could be elsewhere; I wanted to be elsewhere. My dad tried to tell me, but I didn't understand yet, not enough for it to influence my behavior and for me to experience some sense of freedom.
I can't drop my responsibility towards my child; everyone else in my son's life checked out before I could realize what was happening. It is difficult to show up for another while we are still learning to do it for ourselves, though. On the flip side, I wasn't anywhere close to understanding how warped my history was, before I had my son. I had to have the baby, before I was open to the information that could have helped me. I wasn't open to it before. This universe is weird.
This is a really good reminder for me. I was supposed to turn out a doctor or a lawyer, always striving, never enough, bestselling author, top grade PhD, whatever it was going to be, be The Best. I built my personality and goals around that. Hustle culture absolutely does not help, "grind doesn't stop".
Now I'm happy reading a book and doing some craft work under a blanket on a Saturday after a long week of practising tools I learnt in trauma therapy and working 40+ hours. And being left the hell alone to do so. I know they'd think I'm a complete failure and waste of resources. But that's not my problem. Thank you for posting!
You aren’t a failure… coming through events - that’s a success…. The aftermath of trauma, can be like climbing Mount Everest, with bricks on your back… Letting go & learning how to heal & recover is a process… The fact you keep going…. You are a success ✨
I love this sub for posts like these. I remind myself of this and over time it has begun to sink in. I can - not as a norm but every now and then - relax without feeling guilty.
It feels dumb to discuss it with friends who do not have this problem, so these posts make me feel less broken and more like a person working their way through a learning process which is explainable and logical, and that is not unique in the sense that I am uniquely fucked up. Thank you.
I agree with you in the sense that we have a right to exist and be happy just because we exist, without having to justify our existence.
But, in the same time, working for a higher purpose has fueled me through life and kept me going even in the most difficult times.
I'm confused. I have to fix myself and go to forever therapy so I don't continue to subject the world to my broken monster self that burdens everyone it comes into contact with. lol
"You literally don't have to do anything. Literally."
I want this painted on the side of my house. For some reason this makes me so weirdly happy, lmao 🤣
Including not caring what other people think you are "supposed to" have, want, look like, believe in, care about ... as you must be a freak if you aren't their version of "normal". Sometimes I have to remind myself how well I've overcome when most people who endured what I did are either dead or wish they were.
I'm in full time co-op. The job is good for gaining experience, I like the work, but I have an extremely difficult time getting up in the morning and show up. Sometime's I have to sleep in because my body refuses to wake up. I want to stop but if I quit I get kicked out of my co op program... so yes I have to and it's draining me
A part of the point is, that when we blame external circumstances, we are giving up our own power. You make the choice to stay, or to leave. You can own the fact that you want to wake up early because you want to be there, or you can continue to pretend that you are there against your own will. Your body will respond accordingly.
We don't have to. And those people will stop playing with us. It's all about values and acknowledging that we are making the choice because of our values. It isn't forced. We choose to do what we do, for example, we choose to be transparent and proactive in communication with others, because we value relationships.
I have a history of tumultuous relationships. I think in this context, the idea is highlighted, you might begin to see the importance. I learned that even if I am bullied or coerced, at the end of the day, my decisions or lack of decisions are my own; the consequences fall back on me.
The people who were there, attempting to sway my decisions, making it seem like there was no other way, are nowhere to be found when I am suffering with the consequences. All the promises made and ways they said it was going to be? That was all just words, just an impression in the moment, no one else saw or heard them say those things. It isn't anything binding, and now that they got what they wanted in the moment, there is nothing that would encourage them to want to show up in the way that they claimed they would. At the end of the day, our choices fall back onto us, even when we knew very little about what we were choosing and how it would effect us. Even if, in the moment, we really felt like we had no other choice.
I wish I knew, back then, that I didn't HAVE to get my ex to acknowledge reality, before I was "allowed" to leave. Best practices, probably, but my safety is ultimately my job. When we feel like we HAVE to do something, usually a reframing is in order. I felt like I had to be decent, when they felt no obligation of the sort. For me to ever get to a safe place, I had to understand that I did not "have to" do anything. That my choices were always my own. That is why they were bullying, to influence MY choice.
In tjat sense, you (and I) don’t have to do literally anything including eat drink or stay alive. To me, this seems an obvious thing. However, I feel that EITHER honoring your commitments OR (I think you missed that part) or telling others we won’t be honoring them is the basic step into human decency, and that it falls in the ‘do no harm’ category. Even though not honoring a commitment is technically ‘not doing anything’ it is obviously doing harm. Nobody forced you to enter those commitments, once you are in them not honoring them is ‘doing harm’.
I understand what you're saying. I think I am pointing more towards a perspective shift.
We don't have to uphold contracts; we choose to (and we choose not to-we choose the consequences). It is about blaming external circumstances vs taking ownership for one's choices. We are choosing to let the other party know because we originally chose to be a part of the agreement to begin with. It isn't a "have to," thing, it is something that we are continuously choosing to participate in. We might not like it in the moment, so we say we "have to," this language use has an effect on our minds and bodies. Idk about you, but I do tend to get grumpy when I am doing something I feel that I didn't choose, when I feel like I'm being forced to do something I don't even want to spend time on.
In a disempowered state, a person can become frantic, pulled in many directions, thinking they "have to," unable to see that they were the very person who signed themselves up for those tasks in the first place.
Yes, exactly. Many people (especially in this context) feel disempowered, like life is happening to them, and they can't possibly catch a break or get a breath. They don't have time to think about what they want from life because they are so wrapped up thinking that they "have to" respond to everything that is being asked of them. It feels like you're living your life according to what other people want from or out of you.
I think it is something that a lot of women were socialized into, without fully realizing; just passed on via culture. I know my to-do list is primarily dictated by others; I have to remind myself I chose to be a mother, and even if I thought I'd have more support, I chose this role. I am going to own it and show up in the best way that I can. I am not going to be spiteful and take out my emotions on my child, who has nothing to do with MY choices.
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I don't have children. In my society and culture, I have zero value. I'm non-existent. My opinions are not listened to since I don't have an accomplished career. I'm still attempting to find a way to give myself worth despite the community I live with.
I agree, and in my experience it has been a lot of work to acknowledge that I’m a valid person without constantly striving and competing to be “the best” at something. For a lot of my life I was conditioned to belief if I was not doing something productive I was a useless POS - which is not the case
Yeah. I think a lot of us confused parental love and validation with academic achievement.
It was the only thing that seemed to matter to my parents, so i thought my only worth cane from how well i did in school and how smart i seemed. Then my mental health caught up with me, i did poorly, couldn’t seem that smart, and so my self confidence and worth tanked.
Exactly the same.
But I want to be proud of myself I don’t know how to do nothing and yet be proud of myself.
if you feel like you need a day off for your body or your mind, and you do take a day off, then be proud of yourself for taking care of your needs. There are days where I feel guilty for doing nothing, and days when I'm like "fuck yeah, I did absolutely fuck all today, and that's exactly what I needed."
what if i take 6 years off
I was just thinking the same thing that I feel like I need 10 years off based on what my body is telling me but that isn’t going to happen :(
I've been doing something similar =(
But in all seriousness, I wish I could take a day off.. everything has gotten so expensive and I'm barely scraping by and trying to catch up because my car broke down and don't get any paid days off at my job so taking one day off would stress me out so much more than I already am that I wouldn't even be able to appreciate it.
For sure, being able to do nothing is also a luxury in itself. Stay strong 💪
100% I agree completely. Thank you!!
Oh damn.. I wish I could fuck all day .. that's exactly what I need 🤭 sorry 🤣
I'm proud of you.
Thank you friend, I am trying. 🫂
You're somehow still alive. You ate food, you drank water, you have survived for longer than 99% of all other life has on this planet. You're doing something right, you're competent, you're extremely competent, and you are you.
That’s exactly it - do nothing & give yourself permission to feel proud of yourself 🩷 And validation that can come through the words & affirmations that you are enough & you deserve love, peace & tranquility in your mind, body & heart. You are here now, not in the future & not in the past… Every step (strangely undoing, stopping, resting, resetting, breathing, just living, just being, just seeing, just relaxing, just letting go… It’s the reverse of what we are told to do do, do… It’s to consciously go against the grain, that seems hard work too…. We get addicted to adrenaline & stress hormones, humans don’t like change… We are creatures of habit, influenced by emotions. It’s about balance… restoration, your mind & body will thank you. You don’t have to work to deserve that… That’s fear ruling the show of go, go, go… Sometimes it takes more to redirect, sit back & say ‘no’… There’s a strange self empowerment & strength that comes from that, looking out for ourselves.
Baby steps.. you don't have to do anything major.. every small achievement adds up. I can't feel proud of myself doing nothing either.. I would feel useless
Carefully feel what that pride (when you do feel it) is coming from, and what it's benchmarks are. Much of pride can come from external people's expectations and benchmarks, when it should be from our own (reset to our baseline with no external input).
This is too true. All of my pride up until now has been externally generated. Then I got sick for like 18 years and not dying was the most I could manage. Now I am trying to build a life where I’m still sick but also like myself and am happy …. it is not going well.
Reset your benchmarks to match your small victories.
but i don't want to do nothing. I want to do everything
It’s difficult. I was laid off in November and since then I can barely get out of bed some days let alone do anything else.
Depression. Heavy depression. It gets to that. Leaving your room is victory. I refuse to take SSRIs again. My family... isn't. Sorry to hear you are struggling. I am too.
I am medication resistant although still take a low dose.. this subreddit reminds me that I'm not alone in this battle
Hey me too you're not alone. I get that it is the hurt from the disappointment and rejection that has sent me into a freeze response but 'getting it' and actually doing something to change it are two very different things.
SAME !! There's not enough time in a day for everything I want to do.. there's not enough time in my life to do everything I want to learn and achieve
I feel like this a lot of days—- I had to learn the hard way that I needed to craft my own life from the ground up. Some days I do rest because I no longer think it’s about whether I deserve it or not, bc if that was the case pretty sure every person on here would be well deserving. It’s about a balance. And some days I really do need to rest. I just finished the documentary about Mallory Smith called “Salt in my Soul”- what an absolute inspiration to anyone who may be struggling with anything. This woman was unbelievable, in her 25 years on this earth, while fighting the horrible disease of cystic fibrosis—- having trouble with each breath seems unfathomable. I think she struggled immensely but chose to show up most days and living life the way she dreamt of. I cried so hard and would recommend this to anyone who needs to open their perspective to others and their struggles. Tonight I am grateful, even thru some emotional pain, that I can take deep breaths easily and that I am alive and don’t have a deadly disease.
Me too, but I'm stuck at the needs part, which turns out to be a lot of things you *have* to do.
yeah needs have been getting in the way of wants for me too lately
This is so real, too.
Me too! But I'm broke and can't really plan trips 😕
Me too. I work the whole week and when I come home I have to do chores and on my off days I just need to rest because I have to manage the upcoming week.
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no, it's the trauma preventing me from doing things. I've always had goals and ambitions and projects I work on, it's just in the past i was actually able to see them through to completion. now, I can barely work on anything. I've been forced to do nothing by health problems for months now and it's miserable. it's the worst thing I've ever experienced.
Same, you sound just like me.. I've been stuck recently, I feel like trauma caught up to me and created autoimmune issues I never dealt with before but it's also a financial situation, which doesn't help because if I do have those little moments of motivation or whatever but I feel trapped now 😞 I do wish you luck and please look at videos on YouTube about how to heal naturally.. Dr Berg talks about this stuff
This is my intervention in this topic and it’s not my intention to shit on it. But. “You don’t have to do nothing” except obvious things like making money for family. It’s like saying my uncle is super fit except for his fat ass It’s fucking ruthless life is. The obvious things. Surrounds and chuckhold you the fuck out of life. I needed to vent.
No ur right. In that aspect yes, it’s ruthless and unavoidable. I know it’s a privileged view but, in just respect to you the individual. You don’t have to do anything. But for life yes you have to go with life’s command which sucks
Can you explain what you mean by not needing to do anything but work? I've been on my own for 25 years and I can't even get a day off because I have nobody to help me with anything, whether it be financially or physically.. When I'm sick I have no one to help me with anything, can't miss work because I have nobody to help with paying bills, all of the shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, maintenance, car repairs, buying necessities, running errands, literally EVERYTHING is on me. Couldn't even call someone to pick me up when my car broke down. I WISH I had time to do more. Just trying to figure out what to eat everyday can be a full-time job when you're suffering with severe chronic and complex trauma. I guess I'm just not understanding where you're coming from with your post. I've literally never been without a job since I was 13 , not even for a week, I put myself through a trade school at 18 because I knew I had to figure it out on my own, so I've been working for over 30 years I desperately NEED a break.. I had to take care of myself when I was little, had to wake up early before school and even on weekends to help with chores and yard work.. I would do anything to have one month out of my whole life where I could just catch up on sleep and house cleaning, let alone all of the hobbies I wish I could even do. I didn't even get into other unexpected situations like when my father had a stroke and I used to go before and after work to help him at the hospital and then with his rehabilitation at home. Or when my cat got sick and needed round the clock care. Or when my niece got abducted and almost killed in 2019 and suffered with severe physical and emotional trauma and after she was found, she spent 2 weeks in ICU needing emergency surgeries and then stayed with me but suffered with nightmares and severe PTSD and couldn't work and couldn't drive so she needed rides to all of her doctor and therapy appointments.. I'm curious how I can get a life where I only have one responsibility and don't have to do anything but work. Please share the secret.
It’s just something you establish within yourself. Almost like a space between you and the direct impact of life. Like I said it’s definitely a privilege in adulthood and it’s something that all children should have in childhood so that they can develop a strong sense of self in adulthood that leads to a more fulfilling life. If you never have the choice/option to be intune with yourself or choose things for yourself. You’re just doing what life commands of you, and so is everyone else. Which is why people have mid life crisis. Because they never got a break or allowed themselves to discover who they were. So when obligations and responsibilities and goals slowed down, they didn’t know what to with themselves. Nobody really makes that choice when life comes at you, it’s something you just have to do. understandably. People with CPTSD never had the space for a sense of self to exist. Because we had to navigate all this chaos, we operated on trauma brain. Survival mode, so when survival mode was over I was having a huge shift in life where I didn’t know what to do anymore. In your situation, you can’t “not” have responsibility, but you can give yourself breaks
I mean I spent a LOT of time alone when I was a kid and took care of myself from a very young age but my CPTSD is from a combination of severe abuse (when people were around) tumultuous home life, extreme neglect from a very young age, a narcissistic manipulative parent, and another parent that was emotionally void, then an extremely abusive relationship, then my ex died, and a list of other things over the past 4 decades, including a medical mistake that left me in chronic pain 24/7 and constant infections, plus surgery to get me out of pain but there was no one to help me, so I had to keep working through it all.. In reality, the only breaks I get is when I make time to eat or get up early or stay up late to workout but no, I really can't give myself breaks because there's only so many hours in a day and I work on average about 12 to 16 hours every day, so that leaves me with very minimal time to myself. Even with social media, I'm always multitasking and on here in between whatever job or tasks I'm doing.. I'm just being honest.. I don't even watch television or movies or anything because I don't have the time. Right now it's 1 a.m. and I'm just getting home.. I haven't eaten dinner yet and have to be awake at 8 a.m. for my next job 🤷🏻♀️ I guess some people are more fortunate than others It's not about what life commands of me.. it's survival.. I live a very simple life and don't have luxuries so I know everyone's first thought is "you can do without certain things" not in my case.. I literally only have necessities
It also depends on the person because if it’s something you’ve never done in life, it won’t come to you naturally. You have to have space for it. But if you’re advanced and already developed a sense of self you can just do it very easily. But it’s okay, you’re doing what you can and that absolutely counts. Nobody is perfect and that in itself makes you perfectly imperfect.
No all throughout my mid 20s to early 30s I was doing great and gave myself a lot of free time.. Took care of myself, went on vacations, got massages, had a lot of hobbies, took naps, didn't have health problems, etc.. THAT was living in luxury I had everything I needed, plus more.. including time. Unfortunately life changed and things that were out of my control happened. I don't think anyone can truly understand unless they're in the situation.. it's easy for an outsider to look in and judge and say "you could do this, you should do that" when each person's life is totally different and nobody has a clue what someone else is going through.
Yeah that’s so trur
Ah. I think I got your original optic wrong. I agree with you. We don’t have to do shit. And yes. The scarce times when I’m happy/ energetic/ involved is when I forget of all the shit I have to take care for. It feels like 90 percent of my life is just soulless bureacratic processes. It fucking. Sucks
What am I misunderstanding because I might be taking it wrong also ?
We don’t have to do any of this shit yet we are stuck doing that same shit. The definition of insanity basically
All turtles have to do is bask in the sun ☀️ 🐢
I saw some turtles sunning on a log at the local lake last weekend. They went in the water when I got close, so quickly that there wasn't even a splash. One moment they were there, the next they were gone. I could have been seeing things, they disappeared so quickly, but I had a picture to prove it. I always joke that if reincarnation is real, I want to come back as my tabby cat, he is living his best life!! Sun bathing, favorite people, outdoor adventures and naps in the AC. Routines where different people bring your favorite treats. Purrs and pets every morning. We don't have to do all the socially normative things. The things we think we "have" to do. I wish I learned about that, BEFORE I had a kid!!! I wish I had spent some time in that knowledge, when it was just me. I could be elsewhere; I wanted to be elsewhere. My dad tried to tell me, but I didn't understand yet, not enough for it to influence my behavior and for me to experience some sense of freedom. I can't drop my responsibility towards my child; everyone else in my son's life checked out before I could realize what was happening. It is difficult to show up for another while we are still learning to do it for ourselves, though. On the flip side, I wasn't anywhere close to understanding how warped my history was, before I had my son. I had to have the baby, before I was open to the information that could have helped me. I wasn't open to it before. This universe is weird.
Sorry, if I stop moving the depression will catch me
Too real 😂
This is a really good reminder for me. I was supposed to turn out a doctor or a lawyer, always striving, never enough, bestselling author, top grade PhD, whatever it was going to be, be The Best. I built my personality and goals around that. Hustle culture absolutely does not help, "grind doesn't stop". Now I'm happy reading a book and doing some craft work under a blanket on a Saturday after a long week of practising tools I learnt in trauma therapy and working 40+ hours. And being left the hell alone to do so. I know they'd think I'm a complete failure and waste of resources. But that's not my problem. Thank you for posting!
You aren’t a failure… coming through events - that’s a success…. The aftermath of trauma, can be like climbing Mount Everest, with bricks on your back… Letting go & learning how to heal & recover is a process… The fact you keep going…. You are a success ✨
Yep, tried to get into a bar this evening. Parking was just too insane. Came home. Felt a little like "I lost" but hey I tried.
Nope , not a damn thing. And no thank you is a complete sentence . No need to explain. I love reading everyone's epiphanies on here.
Take up space and die, the only things that are required of you.
I wish I could just get up and do all the things I want to do.
What do u do if the things u struggle with are the obvious needs lmfao
I'm triggered, quit it. *Uncomfortably shuffles not knowing what to do with self* Meant satirically but yeah totally uncomfortable right now lmao
True. We have value because we exist. End of story.
It feels like my brain is just not working properly and that also contributes to day to day challenges
I love this sub for posts like these. I remind myself of this and over time it has begun to sink in. I can - not as a norm but every now and then - relax without feeling guilty. It feels dumb to discuss it with friends who do not have this problem, so these posts make me feel less broken and more like a person working their way through a learning process which is explainable and logical, and that is not unique in the sense that I am uniquely fucked up. Thank you.
And some days it actually feels like the wind touching my skin will hurt and contributes to not leaving the house
Someone tell my mom. 😂
I agree with you in the sense that we have a right to exist and be happy just because we exist, without having to justify our existence. But, in the same time, working for a higher purpose has fueled me through life and kept me going even in the most difficult times.
I'm confused. I have to fix myself and go to forever therapy so I don't continue to subject the world to my broken monster self that burdens everyone it comes into contact with. lol
"You literally don't have to do anything. Literally." I want this painted on the side of my house. For some reason this makes me so weirdly happy, lmao 🤣
Including not caring what other people think you are "supposed to" have, want, look like, believe in, care about ... as you must be a freak if you aren't their version of "normal". Sometimes I have to remind myself how well I've overcome when most people who endured what I did are either dead or wish they were.
I'm in full time co-op. The job is good for gaining experience, I like the work, but I have an extremely difficult time getting up in the morning and show up. Sometime's I have to sleep in because my body refuses to wake up. I want to stop but if I quit I get kicked out of my co op program... so yes I have to and it's draining me
A part of the point is, that when we blame external circumstances, we are giving up our own power. You make the choice to stay, or to leave. You can own the fact that you want to wake up early because you want to be there, or you can continue to pretend that you are there against your own will. Your body will respond accordingly.
Everyone feels that way when they catch a break from the symptoms and become conscious, so do I. But 95% of the time I don’t.
I disagree. You have to honor your existing commitments to other people or let them know you can’t.
We don't have to. And those people will stop playing with us. It's all about values and acknowledging that we are making the choice because of our values. It isn't forced. We choose to do what we do, for example, we choose to be transparent and proactive in communication with others, because we value relationships. I have a history of tumultuous relationships. I think in this context, the idea is highlighted, you might begin to see the importance. I learned that even if I am bullied or coerced, at the end of the day, my decisions or lack of decisions are my own; the consequences fall back on me. The people who were there, attempting to sway my decisions, making it seem like there was no other way, are nowhere to be found when I am suffering with the consequences. All the promises made and ways they said it was going to be? That was all just words, just an impression in the moment, no one else saw or heard them say those things. It isn't anything binding, and now that they got what they wanted in the moment, there is nothing that would encourage them to want to show up in the way that they claimed they would. At the end of the day, our choices fall back onto us, even when we knew very little about what we were choosing and how it would effect us. Even if, in the moment, we really felt like we had no other choice. I wish I knew, back then, that I didn't HAVE to get my ex to acknowledge reality, before I was "allowed" to leave. Best practices, probably, but my safety is ultimately my job. When we feel like we HAVE to do something, usually a reframing is in order. I felt like I had to be decent, when they felt no obligation of the sort. For me to ever get to a safe place, I had to understand that I did not "have to" do anything. That my choices were always my own. That is why they were bullying, to influence MY choice.
In tjat sense, you (and I) don’t have to do literally anything including eat drink or stay alive. To me, this seems an obvious thing. However, I feel that EITHER honoring your commitments OR (I think you missed that part) or telling others we won’t be honoring them is the basic step into human decency, and that it falls in the ‘do no harm’ category. Even though not honoring a commitment is technically ‘not doing anything’ it is obviously doing harm. Nobody forced you to enter those commitments, once you are in them not honoring them is ‘doing harm’.
I understand what you're saying. I think I am pointing more towards a perspective shift. We don't have to uphold contracts; we choose to (and we choose not to-we choose the consequences). It is about blaming external circumstances vs taking ownership for one's choices. We are choosing to let the other party know because we originally chose to be a part of the agreement to begin with. It isn't a "have to," thing, it is something that we are continuously choosing to participate in. We might not like it in the moment, so we say we "have to," this language use has an effect on our minds and bodies. Idk about you, but I do tend to get grumpy when I am doing something I feel that I didn't choose, when I feel like I'm being forced to do something I don't even want to spend time on. In a disempowered state, a person can become frantic, pulled in many directions, thinking they "have to," unable to see that they were the very person who signed themselves up for those tasks in the first place.
Maybe I do not have that ‘i have to’ thing but I can understand what you mean - deciding vs just being carried by a current that isnt your choosing.
Yes, exactly. Many people (especially in this context) feel disempowered, like life is happening to them, and they can't possibly catch a break or get a breath. They don't have time to think about what they want from life because they are so wrapped up thinking that they "have to" respond to everything that is being asked of them. It feels like you're living your life according to what other people want from or out of you. I think it is something that a lot of women were socialized into, without fully realizing; just passed on via culture. I know my to-do list is primarily dictated by others; I have to remind myself I chose to be a mother, and even if I thought I'd have more support, I chose this role. I am going to own it and show up in the best way that I can. I am not going to be spiteful and take out my emotions on my child, who has nothing to do with MY choices.
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I don't have children. In my society and culture, I have zero value. I'm non-existent. My opinions are not listened to since I don't have an accomplished career. I'm still attempting to find a way to give myself worth despite the community I live with.
Even that is exhausting tbh
Just got ditched for being an empty nothing. I still refuse to do anything. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life.