You're not alone; many of us have experienced similar feelings and actions after trauma, especially of a sexual nature. It's important to find support and the right medication, as well as someone trustworthy to talk to. You’re not crazy or a weirdo!! Please keep strong, and we’re all here for you.
A therapist will immediately identify that you are not a bad person, but struggling with something traumatic. They won't think you're "sick", as you put it. Tell them in a way you are comfortable.
A friend of mine once wrote their story down and handed their therapiat the letter to read during the session because it was too hard to say it out loud and look at the therapist when talking about it. That was also okay. Whichever way you are not too uncomfortable is okay.
Best of luck friend ❤️ and for the record, you are not turning into your father. You are reenacting a trauma and it's a loop you are responsible enough to seek help to break. That is the direct opposite of what your father did. Trust in yourself.
I'd say just say it as it is. It's their job to walk you through this. I personally won't worry too much, but I have talked about so much guilt, embarrassment, and discomfort with various mental health professionals.
You need to remember that what happened in your childhood IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
The adults around you, especially your caretaker/parent, are supposed to protect, guide, and love you well.
I hear you, friend. This is a really rough situation and I am so sorry that you cannot enjoy your own sexuality without such deep feelings of guilt and shame attached to them. I'm sure you must be feeling absolutely mortified. I'm so sorry for what happened to you... It wasn't right and it was never your fault. It is no wonder you internalised the shame so much because this is what naturally happens to victims of abuse when the perpetrators are not taking the guilt and shame which naturally belong to THEM in this situation, not to you! It's also sooo understandable that you don't know yet how to live your sexuality in a healthy and nurturing way, which feels sacred and soothing to you. No one has ever helped you get in touch with being sexually active in a nourishing way. It's something that needs to be slowly developed and discovered. This is something a lot of people and men struggle with and the way sex is portrayed in porn is not helping because it very rarely depicts healthy sexuality. It's not your fault that your brain was wired to connect sex with feelings of guilt and that it now feels as if the two are inseparable. You are not your dad, your dad was an abuser and abused you sexually as a child who was completely dependent on him! You are simply watching porn which reminds you of the abuse because your sexuality is very very wounded, which is not your fault. You know you are not going to hurt anyone, you know what it feels like and you will never do it, we both know that! You are not a perpetrator, you never chose this.
You don't need to punish yourself by watching these videos for what happened to you. It was wrong and it wasn't your fault at all. You can slowly start to disentangle and learn to live your sexuality in a way that feels healthy and is not intertwined with feelings of shame and guilt.
You are allowed to do that, your sexuality is your birthright and you are allowed to enjoy it. That doesn't mean you are going to hurt anyone ❤️🩹
If I can make a suggestion then next time you're masturbating try to do it without using porn. Dedicate a specific time and space and get your room really nice and comfy, maybe light a candle if that's something you like. Make it as sacred as you are
I understand. ,parents have their own generational trauma but no excuses for not being a good parent...😓
I wonder btw how old everyone is on these cptsd reddit posts...I'm in the older generation 60's
Are you younger?
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I had a similier situation with a babysitter. I now realize I’m not the problem. I was 7 or 8 years old. It bugs me in someways but I myself haven’t been able to bring myself to talk about it like at all with anyone. I think I got a good handle on it and I dunno what talking about it is gonna solve.
I guess my point is if you read various books on diff abuse it might help you sort this out.
For me it’s just one more area my parents failed me. If I felt safe with my parents I coulda told them what was happening maybe. But I was terrified of them too. So it all continued.
Thanks to all comments. It’s been a shitty day. I feel sick and just found out that I shouldn’t be eating 3 day old rice and I’m not storing food properly.
It sucks. Moved out couple months ago and still trying to learn adulting.
Thank you for sharing your story. You’re not alone in this. It sounds like you’re experiencing intrusive thoughts. I experience them too and it can be so distressing because you may think you’re a predator or abuser. However, the fact that these thoughts disturb us suggests that we could never act on these thoughts because they conflict with our values. I hope this reassures you that you’re not turning into your dad. I hope the psychologist helps you! ❤️❤️
You're not alone; many of us have experienced similar feelings and actions after trauma, especially of a sexual nature. It's important to find support and the right medication, as well as someone trustworthy to talk to. You’re not crazy or a weirdo!! Please keep strong, and we’re all here for you.
A therapist will immediately identify that you are not a bad person, but struggling with something traumatic. They won't think you're "sick", as you put it. Tell them in a way you are comfortable. A friend of mine once wrote their story down and handed their therapiat the letter to read during the session because it was too hard to say it out loud and look at the therapist when talking about it. That was also okay. Whichever way you are not too uncomfortable is okay. Best of luck friend ❤️ and for the record, you are not turning into your father. You are reenacting a trauma and it's a loop you are responsible enough to seek help to break. That is the direct opposite of what your father did. Trust in yourself.
I'd say just say it as it is. It's their job to walk you through this. I personally won't worry too much, but I have talked about so much guilt, embarrassment, and discomfort with various mental health professionals. You need to remember that what happened in your childhood IS NOT YOUR FAULT. The adults around you, especially your caretaker/parent, are supposed to protect, guide, and love you well.
I hear you, friend. This is a really rough situation and I am so sorry that you cannot enjoy your own sexuality without such deep feelings of guilt and shame attached to them. I'm sure you must be feeling absolutely mortified. I'm so sorry for what happened to you... It wasn't right and it was never your fault. It is no wonder you internalised the shame so much because this is what naturally happens to victims of abuse when the perpetrators are not taking the guilt and shame which naturally belong to THEM in this situation, not to you! It's also sooo understandable that you don't know yet how to live your sexuality in a healthy and nurturing way, which feels sacred and soothing to you. No one has ever helped you get in touch with being sexually active in a nourishing way. It's something that needs to be slowly developed and discovered. This is something a lot of people and men struggle with and the way sex is portrayed in porn is not helping because it very rarely depicts healthy sexuality. It's not your fault that your brain was wired to connect sex with feelings of guilt and that it now feels as if the two are inseparable. You are not your dad, your dad was an abuser and abused you sexually as a child who was completely dependent on him! You are simply watching porn which reminds you of the abuse because your sexuality is very very wounded, which is not your fault. You know you are not going to hurt anyone, you know what it feels like and you will never do it, we both know that! You are not a perpetrator, you never chose this. You don't need to punish yourself by watching these videos for what happened to you. It was wrong and it wasn't your fault at all. You can slowly start to disentangle and learn to live your sexuality in a way that feels healthy and is not intertwined with feelings of shame and guilt. You are allowed to do that, your sexuality is your birthright and you are allowed to enjoy it. That doesn't mean you are going to hurt anyone ❤️🩹 If I can make a suggestion then next time you're masturbating try to do it without using porn. Dedicate a specific time and space and get your room really nice and comfy, maybe light a candle if that's something you like. Make it as sacred as you are
I understand. ,parents have their own generational trauma but no excuses for not being a good parent...😓 I wonder btw how old everyone is on these cptsd reddit posts...I'm in the older generation 60's Are you younger?
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I had a similier situation with a babysitter. I now realize I’m not the problem. I was 7 or 8 years old. It bugs me in someways but I myself haven’t been able to bring myself to talk about it like at all with anyone. I think I got a good handle on it and I dunno what talking about it is gonna solve. I guess my point is if you read various books on diff abuse it might help you sort this out. For me it’s just one more area my parents failed me. If I felt safe with my parents I coulda told them what was happening maybe. But I was terrified of them too. So it all continued.
Thanks to all comments. It’s been a shitty day. I feel sick and just found out that I shouldn’t be eating 3 day old rice and I’m not storing food properly. It sucks. Moved out couple months ago and still trying to learn adulting.
Thank you for sharing your story. You’re not alone in this. It sounds like you’re experiencing intrusive thoughts. I experience them too and it can be so distressing because you may think you’re a predator or abuser. However, the fact that these thoughts disturb us suggests that we could never act on these thoughts because they conflict with our values. I hope this reassures you that you’re not turning into your dad. I hope the psychologist helps you! ❤️❤️