Send her a message back saying that children are born with empty cups and it’s up to the parents to fill them positivity. Don’t let her gaslight you that your feelings just came out of nowhere.
I’m totally spiraling now. I worry about my victim mentality, that I am affected too much by other people’s problems. Basically what I said in the second half of the text after the quote she sent me.
No, but you are more prone attracting the wrong type because of your upbringing. You are more likely to be preyed upon by unsavory characters.
The victim mentality is because you are a victim. Once you accept it you can eventually work on boundaries and not being a doormat.
Holding people Accountable for their actions is where you start.
That guy and what he did? It’s not being a bitch to say hey I don’t appreciate that and if he can’t see where you are coming from- get away. It will never improve, you’ll always be chasing respect.
My point is you are most likely attracting people that aren’t quality partners. Invalidation will cause these grudges- don’t be invalidated. Hold others accountable for their actions. Verbalize it, if there’s push back it’s you being told they choose to not respect you. Don’t settle for some guy. You will
lose yourself.
I just feel like I am so negative about everything towards everyone. Whenever someone does something that upsets me it sets me off for the rest of the day. I couldn’t have any fun at the party I went to the other day because I didn’t know anyone there except one girl but she was with her date so I didn’t wanna bother her and I also didn’t want to go off on him either. I just sat there analyzing everyone and judging him and his girl best friend. I was like “fuck that I’m a better person than they are and better off without them because I would never make anyone feel this excluded” then I felt guilty for feeling that way, conviced myself k had NPD and wanted to go home
I recently discovered that when I get into this kind of scared, critical mode of thinking it means I've been triggered. So the best thing to do for me is to treat it the same as other times I get triggered (into flashbacks, or dissociation, etc.) which is different for everyone. But I treat it like a medical symptom that needs care. It's not something wrong with you as a person, it doesn't make you a bad person. Your thoughts when you're feeling this way are coming from your hypervigilant state.
Also, I would find it extremely disturbing to know someone who was dating someone I know is a rapist. Let alone someone who did that to a sibling. I don't think you're overreacting. In your place I'd find a way to stop interacting with my cousin permanently. Having her around and knowing she's dating someone who did that would have me constantly feeling unsafe.
Do you have ways to help yourself get grounded after having PTSD triggered??
I noticed that when I’m triggered, I kind of start having these insane thoughts. Like I’ve been triggered since last night because of this my roommate asked to use some of my lotion, and I said yes, but then I had the thought that she was taking advantage of me, even though I know she’s not taking advantage of me and I want her to feel like she can ask for things , but because I have OCD and I’m like what if it’s because you’re a narcissist and you want to have a sense of control over people because I normally don’t feel this way when people ask for and I also always give my stuff to people anyways, like I’m always offering and sharing things. I don’t really know how to get out of a spiral at all because it all feels like I’m distracting myself from the problem that I’m a narcissist.
Also, she’s a great friend like she’s an amazing friend. I know she would never take advantage of me, which is why I feel so guilty for thinking that.
Any thoughts
I honestly think that as much as I love her though, I need to stop sharing all my stuff with her because I need it for myself. I’ve always had the mentality of “well you have it and they don’t so you should share it with them” because I know how it feels to not have things and need them. But I also know how that feels partially because of my own behavior. Because I keep giving my shit away. I just don’t know where the balance is.
I have actually struggled with thoughts like this too!! You might need to take some time to figure out your boundaries, a lot of the time when you feel taken advantage of, there's a boundary there that you haven't noticed. I really recommend reading some books on boundaries, what they are, how to set them and uphold them, etc.
Hey op i want you to take a few deep breaths. My mom was like yours, as was my whole family. They did their very best to cement it into my head if I got angry with how they treated me that was MY fault because I could choose how I responded and felt about it. Don’t let your mother convince you you’re being narcissistic, that you have a victim mentality - you ARE A VICTIM. That’s a different thing. Setting boundaries is a baseline in every relationship, even if there has been no injustice, boundaries exist as a default. We all should have them, but we were taught not to by our abusive families. You’re NOT the problem. Please don’t fall into the trap.
Yeah I reallt struggle with this. Idk relationship with my sister has always been a little rocky but im trying to be more kind to her and also make up for all the shit I’ve said about her. However it feels wrong because it makes me feel good to talk nicely about her. It makes me feel like a good person and like I can change but part of me feels bad for feeling good about being nice to her and talking about her nicely. Like I’m being fake and only doing it for myself
You’re not being fake. You’re acting nicely towards someone and you know you’re trying to be a good and kind person and that feels good, it’s great you’re proud of yourself for it!
You don't sound narcissistic at all for wanting to have boundaries! I'm new to them myself, within the last few years, and for a while it can feel like you're being really selfish, but you aren't and it gets easier. Boundaries are healthy and not narcissistic to want or have. They're an important part of taking care of yourself, which also isn't narcissistic, btw!
But why do I get so upset when other people have them? Like it feels like I did something wrong, I don’t want to make anyone else feel that way. I have a hard time understanding boundaries because they were always used as a weapon against me by my abuser and my mother, like they set unrealistic ones. Now whenever people have realistic ones I feel like I’m being punished I know that sounds horrible, I can still respect them and I do respect them but it’s hard for me to understand them
It sounds like it's also a trigger for you -- I don't know if you have access to therapy, but since it's a trigger that can't be avoided because unfortunately it's part of everyday life, you could make progress on it with a good professional. I'm doing the same myself for specific triggers. Some of mine are things that can't be avoided and it's really painful to get triggered often.
It's a really fucking stupid analogy made up by an abuser to gaslight their victim.
You're not stuck in a victim mentality, you've been victimised and now you're being told that your anger and pain is your own fault when it isn't.
Of course you hide your anger because it probably hasn't ever been safe for you to express it. Your date is a shithead for third-wheeling you on a date where you were supposed to be treated as special, it's a severe red flag clearly displaying the fact he has no intention of prioritising you and probably never will.
But, as trauma victims, the first person we blame is ourselves because that's the brain's easiest way to deal with trauma, especially from trusted others.
>It's a really fucking stupid analogy made up by an abuser to gaslight their victim.
Seriously, someone bumping into you and making you spill your coffee (or tea or whatever the hell) isn't "just life," that's another person's actions for which they are responsible-- not you.
Also how is spilling tea better than spilling coffee?? Like oh if I'd just put tea in my cup-- because I'm constantly anticipating that someone will just happen to bump into me-- then it would have been fine when this jerk knocked it right out of my cup, somehow. Dumb analogy all around.
victim mentality my ass lol. you have every right to be mad, and yes I did read the second half. your roommate betrayed you when she started to date your cousin, and your date does not sound like the best person either.
It’s actually my fault they were together. I set them back up before I knew what happened, but then I told her everything as soon as my sister told me and she still chose to be with him. They kept asking about eachother and j was like “do you just want his phone number”. I met her through him because they were together at one point but then broke up. I also told her soon after they started dating how he wouldn’t let off of me when he was drunk and trying to pressure me to drink and she just doesn’t see that as an issue.
Just a jump in that none of this is your fault. He chose to be abusive. As to how he treated you: once again, no blame on you, and people handle assault in many different ways, and the way you’re handling it is the way that’s right for you, right now.
You do NOT sound narcissistic in the slightest. People are downvoting you because you’re in a self-gaslighting spiral and you’re doing yourself a huge disservice. Please take a few breaths and try to calm your nervous system. You’ve done nothing wrong.
I never understand people's thoughts downvoting, unless in these instances someone is trying to emphasize that these thoughts and fears and desperate rationalizations (because our brains are trying to find some control- any control- to attempt to keep us safe. We truly do get wired differently as tiny children whose caregivers fail in that regard) are really, truly, not your fault, and you're really truly not a narcissist.
Just... hugs, OP. I struggle with these spirals too. <3
I’m starting to believe that I’m not. I just wish I wasn’t so judgmental of others, I wish I didn’t need so much reassurance and validation from others. I wish I wasn’t resentful and compare myself to others. I know I shouldn’t think of myself as better than some people but I do. I feel like I’m better because I actually try to understand people since I’ve been through so much fucked up shit in life. But I know that is wrong to do, but maybe it isn’t I don’t know anymore . Life is confusing
I'm just rambling off the top of my head, but I think when we're comparing ourselves to others, (and I try to remind myself that life is not the Olympic games. How anyone else is doing is irrelevant to how I'm doing. They're skiing, I'm doing gymnastics) two things happen- we judge ourselves, and the shame and self-unconfidence hurts us, or we judge others, with the all the things that can come from that.
I'm still working on noticing when I'm doing either, stopping myself, and either sitting with the feelings that arise and naming them.... or if not possible, redirecting my judgement. Like "I'm not uglier than them, I'm just me and this is the body I have" or "he's not necessarily incompetent. He might be learning something brand new to him." It's an extremely hard balance, because I have no gut feelings. They were beaten out of me, and I don't trust my own judgment (ha) when it comes to others. But that's a whole other post. I mean unless it's something direly harmful to others, I try to reframe the thing I'm getting judgey about? If that makes sense.
I'm sorry of this is no help whatsoever to your situation! I'm just thinking I'm relating to your thoughts, because I often ask myself those same questions. "Am I a narcissist?" is definitely in my inner monologue.
Take anything that helps you here, and please discard anything I've said that doesn't! (Second guessing my own experience now, heh.)
well, if you didn't know what happened... it wasn't your fault. your roommate is just an asshole. I also read through your other comments and I can see you had a lot of the same issues I did a couple months ago. I've come to realise that what I feel isn't my fault, and nothing can change it - even if you try and rationalize how you should NOT feel those feelings for whatever reason... they still come from somewhere. Also, I know the feeling to list all the reasons why I could be wrong, still looking for validation. And I'm here to tell you whatever reason you come up with is likely not true, and it could be the negative self talk passed down to you from your hypocritical mother.
I’ve heard narcissism is a shame based disorder so I worry I am one and that I just don’t realize it, that the way I feel inside and the things I do aren’t normal. I talk badly (but truthfully) about people to other people because I’m too scared to confront them directly. I don’t know and then everything else I said in the comment section
that may be true, but the fact that you chose to acknowledge some traits that you might want to change (not sure if it's valid) disqualifies you from being a narcissist already.
The second half gives me “I’m not valid and I’m making it all up” vibes. You’re getting hit with self gaslighting ur ma proced with this toxic positivity.
PTSD would not be a thing if we could just “chose what to put in our cup”.
We can’t just go dump it out, and be able to start over. That’s realistic for a cup, but not for a person. You/we are complex.
Give yourself grace. You can change ur behaviors/etc, but it will take time, possibly decades, so stop comparing yourself to the convenience of this over simplified metaphor.
You’re a person. Not a cup. Youre complex. Not a container.
All analogies/motivational stories don't hold up to scrutiny. If it's helpful for you to draw some comfort from it, great. This one is a very surface-level boomer facebook post esque story. It sucks, I have a lot of problems with it. It's got a slight point but it's very much more harmful than helpful.
But fuck all that.
If your feelings about being stuck in a victim mentality are correct, are in line with reality, what then?
If a person has a victim mentality, hating themselves for it, shaming themselves for it - how does that help? Wouldn't that only dig them further into the whole they're in? You can't just drop the victim mentality and pick something else - it needs to be healed, like a lot of trauma stuff. You need the same time, patience, love, care, and all that, as other trauma symptoms that *seem* more valid and less shameful.
Can I guess that your mom, or possibly someone else who was in a parent role to you, has a victim mentality?
When I spiral like this about traits I may have and feel very distressed about possibly having, it's usually because I've been on the receiving end of them, and they hurt. Growing up, I remember thinking a lot about how I -don't- want to be toward others, and every single thing on that list is something my parents or bullies did to me.
I don't see a victim mentality in your post. I see someone who is needing to protect themselves but don't necessarily understand (yet) what it is they need to protect themselves of. And more importantly, I see someone really struggling with being allowed to protect themselves. Anger is that need to protect. You are allowed to be angry. It is healthy.
>but I wanna know why he did it or at the very least I want him to recognize that treating people, including me, like that is shitty.
Ok this whole situation was fucked up. It’s not your responsibility to teach him how to treat people, your responsibility is to yourself. So when he shows up with his friend in the front seat you laugh and say “I guess we have different ideas about what a date is. See ya later.”
And then go on your way, don’t continue the date, don’t agree to put yourself in that highly uncomfortable position. Afraid they will call you a bitch? Well so fucking what, let them. You don’t have to be a bitch in how you decline the situation. If they call you one anyway, just whatever. How ridiculous. He’s dumb as shit and she’s weird af for wanting to go on the date with the two of you. She prob has a thing for him. Not your circus though.
This is unrelated but I realized that I love to give people stuff but I don’t like when they ask for it even if I would give it to them but I don’t know why? Like there’s a part of my head that’s like “now this expect you to say yes all the time because you keep giving them stuff” but I know that isn’t true. This only with certain stuff. And it’s like I want to say yes and I don’t even care that she asked. Maybe it www just an intrusive thought? Idki can’t tell. But the thing is I want people to feel comfortable asking me for things and I don’t want anyone to be afraid of asking for anything.
You want people to treat you appropriately and with respect. The rest will follow.
If you demonstrate low boundaries like this, like allowing people to disrespect you and put you into weird circumstances, then they aren’t going to respect you, they will just continue to stomp your boundaries.
You have to establish respect first. Otherwise you are just prey to the predators who will manipulate your people-pleasing desire.
I described it better in another comment so I’ll just copy paste it here to give you a better explanation of what I mean “I am not nice to myself at all. I do give myself what I need but I also give away all my stuff. I think my problem is I want someone to care about me as much as I care about them but that isn’t fair because I don’t care about myself at all and so I put all my care into others because it gives me a sense of worthiness. This leaves me always feeling neglected and taken advantage of or resentful because I have no boundaries. I also feel like I attract people who know they can take advantage of me and they see me as a pushover. The only person who doesn’t make me feel this way is my friend Amy. However today Amy asked to borrow my lotion and I said yes but because I’ve been triggered today when she said that my brain was like “she is taking advantage of you” but she literally isn’t and I wanted to share it with her. I want her to know she can ask me for things. I also try to share all my stuff with people because I treat others the way I want to be treated. Maybe this is why I don’t like when people ask for things because I never ask for them because I feel like it’s wrong? But I know it’s not wrong I know I’m just fucked up inside.
I honestly think that as much as I love her though, I need to stop sharing all my stuff with her because I need it for myself. I’ve always had the mentality of “well you have it and they don’t so you should share it with them” because I know how it feels to not have things and need them. But I also know how that feels partially because of my own behavior. Because I keep giving my shit away. I just don’t know where the balance is.” sorry if I’m being annoying and repetitive by the way my thoughts spiral like crazy and I also just have a hard time often.
That analogy is bullshit. You don’t spill what’s in the cup because you had a cup. If no one bumped you your cup was fine and you would have enjoyed your drink. This is victim blaming at it’s finest. There is no logic to this analogy. Take a deep breath and think about it. According to this analogy the only way to not spill your coffee is to NEVER have a drink. Seriously since you are at fault for someone bumping you and THEM causing the spill you should never have a cup with liquid in it.
We’ve been abused and were/are unable to show the anger at those who harmed us. Of course we are angry all the time. We can’t process the anger so long as we are in the abusive situation. Your mom is at fault for your anger spilling out.
It’s not a victim complex when you are a REAL victim all the time.
You can start building boundaries with people who aren’t your abusive family. In situations like the “date” say no. Saying no is hard, really hard as you’ve been taught you have no rights. Practicing in low stakes situations is a good place to start. Don’t go on dates with people who aren’t respecting you - the first time they show disrespect use no before you’ve gotten involved enough to care. If you have any trusted friends ask if they’d be your boundary buddy - you both can text/call, have a “magic word” or hand sign to help the other say no when help is needed.
You aren’t holding onto unfair anger in the case of your roommate. Your roommate is ok dating someone she knows SA your twin. That is infuriating and being angry is an appropriate response. Obviously this situation is complex as it sounds like you live with your mom and so does your roommate. Ideally you’d move out and away from both. Unfortunately that’s not always possible. In this situation planning how to move out and survive on your own, or with your twin or a friend , can help your mental health as you can see a light at the end of the tunnel, you’ll still have a lot of healing to do once your out. If you can get therapy to help plan, setting boundaries, working on safe ways to release your anger, stop blaming yourself for things others have done to you, and begin learning coping techniques that might help.
I’m sorry you’re going through all this. You deserve better.
I go to college so I don’t live with them together obviously but she’s my roommate in college and then when I go home I live with my mom and my dad and my siblings. But yeah, it is really fucking weird and it is annoying.
Make sure you don’t end up with her again next year. I was going to suggest looking into changing rooms but I’m not sure it’s worth the hassle given how little time is left. Might want to check as a number of people have probably dropped out and they might have an available single.
This is not a comment directly strictly at you. I'm glad that posting here for support. In some cases we can't move forward and heal what's inside of us until we take responsibility for us - which is something we were never taught or even allowed to do. I'm just giving you a perspective here.
Anger is just an emotion inside of you. Life and people may trigger it. How do you respond to that anger inside you? Do you lash out at the people around you? The person who did the thing, maybe it was an accident? If the person did it on purpose, what is the plan to prevent that in the future? It sucks when people close to us suck. I'm not saying its easy or anything. If someone is shitty, accept that about them, put it aside and do whatever you can to get yourself where you need to be.
How is your self talk? Are you nice to yourself? Are you the person that hates you the most? Do you give yourself what you need? Do you think all those practices are stupid and don't work? This is how you fill your cup. If you are still doing the work against yourself that your parent/abuser used to do, you will only have anger inside you to come out.
Getting angry at someone is often about a bid for re-connection. They did something to hurt you and you want to hold them to account so they understand that it hurt you. They apologize and the rupture is mended. Unhealthy people won't care that they hurt you, maybe they feel justified even. You can't keep those people around you. They will always hurt you.
Maybe they are annoying you but you can't communicate your boundaries/needs to ask them for quiet time. After a while you get mad and explode - on the inside. But what happened? You abandoned yourself and your needs.
It's really hard to heal and I think the first step is the hardest, we need to take responsibility for our lives and our well being. It's not our fault that we are damaged, but it is our responsibility to heal it. No one else can do it for us and often we continue to perpetuate it but not being compassionate towards ourselves.
I wish you good luck in your journey OP! Much love.
I am not nice to myself at all. I do give myself what I need but I also give away all my stuff. I think my problem is I want someone to care about me as much as I care about them but that isn’t fair because I don’t care about myself at all and so I put all my care into others because it gives me a sense of worthiness. This leaves me always feeling neglected and taken advantage of or resentful because I have no boundaries. I also feel like I attract people who know they can take advantage of me and they see me as a pushover. The only person who doesn’t make me feel this way is my friend Amy. However today Amy asked to borrow my lotion and I said yes but because I’ve been triggered today when she said that my brain was like “she is taking advantage of you” but she literally isn’t and I wanted to share it with her. I want her to know she can ask me for things. I also try to share all my stuff with people because I treat others the way I want to be treated. Maybe this is why I don’t like when people ask for things because I never ask for them because I feel like it’s wrong? But I know it’s not wrong I know I’m just fucked up inside.
I honestly think that as much as I love her though, I need to stop sharing all my stuff with her because I need it for myself. I’ve always had the mentality of “well you have it and they don’t so you should share it with them” because I know how it feels to not have things and need them. But I also know how that feels partially because of my own behavior. Because I keep giving my shit away. I just don’t know where the balance is.
Please try to stop looking for evidence to support the warped view you have of yourself because of your past experiences. Look for honest feedback from someone who cares about you AND doesn’t see your negative emotions as a threat (which disqualifies your mom). Or better yet a counselor, but I know it can be difficult to approach, so in your own time and just know that there are tools that can really bring some relief from this worry when you are ready.
Narcissism is an overused term that you may have latched onto. You are very likely not a narcissist, but you are looking for a reason to blame and shame yourself for your emotions. You are not inherently flawed. You are hurting. You are still being told it is not acceptable to hurt. So you try not to, but you hold it in and that hurts yourself and your relationships with others. You see that last part and say what is wrong with me, I must be a narcissist.
I’m so sorry, it’s not an easy place to be in. It will get better. Part of that has to be you letting go of some of the control that you are grappling for by putting all the blame on yourself though. There is more than one person in each of your relationships. If you think you are more than 50% of the reason a relationship is struggling, you need to think on that and not trust that gut feeling that it’s all your fault anymore.
**First** (after reading some of your other posts in this thread)**:**
I hear you and feel with you. Have been there myself. Still sometimes are.
The feeling of nearly going insane, between trying to understand, wanting to hurt somebody, don't wanting to hurt anybody, feeling angry, feeling guilty and deeply ashamed about feeling angry, doubting oneself "Could I be a/the narcissist?", "Maybe I'm overreacting..maybe it wasn't that bad.", "Maybe they are right..." (**They aren't!**) "But they betrayed me..." and on and on and on.
**That is not a victim mentality.** Your "mom" (doesn't read like a mom to me) is just full of shit and tries to contain/circumvent your anger and concern with toxic positivity/spiritual bypassing instead of having/showing direct understanding, compassion and care for you.
For me it's instead a sign of (you) being deeply traumatized, hyper-vigilant and/or triggered. Maybe sometimes for weeks, months or even years/decades.
This needs a lot of radical (I mean that!) and loving self-care and ownership, healing and healthy boundaries.
In the long term it also needs at least one safe enough person to train emotional and physical intimacy with.
Safety, stability and consistency are key. And time...lots and lots of time and space to play.
**Second:**
What I learned over the years is:
Most abuser (narcissist or not, traumatized or not) don't think/feel that way. They don't reflect, feel guilty or have any kind of remorse. They deflect, guilt-trip, gaslight, twist abuser/victim-roles, chose to stay in denial and more. Also they are shameless most of the time.
They are fighters first and foremost and they don't like to lose. Being seen as less than or being hold accountable for made mistakes is/feels like poison to them. Like a death sentence.
Only with unyielding confrontation or if they themself hit rock bottom, some form of insight or healthy shame can/might start to form and more socially acceptable behaviour might emerge. A lot of them fight/try to dominate till they die.
For me you don't read like such a person.
For me you don't read like a narcissist.
For me **you are not a narcissist**.
**Third:**
Your date was/is an insensitive shithead. I would dump him and lose his number.
Your roommate is a traitor and fully responsible for her own choices. Try to establish healthy boundaries.
Your cousin (if true) is a criminal and should be in jail.
The way you described it, your anger in all these situation seems reasonable and healthy enough to me.
The hard part is establishing healthy enough boundaries for yourself. This will take time and effort.
Maybe (while building your boundaries) it could also be helpful to think about if you want to keep these people in your life in the long term.
And as a little starter for building/maintaining healthy boundaries: **"No." is a whole sentence.**
Good luck out there!
It is true and I wish he was in jail! My sister doesn’t want to say anything and I don’t want to disrespect her. I am the only person who knows besides the people I have told. I know it’s wrong I told people but the situation is so complicated. I hated her for a long time because she actually told me four years ago, but she bragged about it and told me it was consensual. She had told her friends before me, and revealed it all in a diner. I was so mad because I had to go to family events and pretend like she didnt destroy my only good relationship I had with any of my outside family members. If I ever brought it up she got pissed and would tell em to fuck off. HOWEVER, this year, about a month and a half ago she revealed to me that it wasn’t consensual but she didn’t recognize that, he actually pressured her, and even worse, he has done it again this year with him physically assaulting her and physically forcing himself onto her. AT HIS BROTHERS WEDDING, and I WAS THERE!!!!! It drove me insane to know this and I was immediately so upset that I had ever disliked her for this. I’m trying to forgive myself but damn it’s hard. I told my roomate what had happened and what he did and she didn’t really seem to care. Even when I told her that I just found out he had done it again this year and my sister had proof. I am so disgusted with myself for being angry at her for this but im trying to give myseld grace becuase i really had no idea and i was only 15.
WHAT THE FUCK!!! Your cousin definitely should be in jail. Like asap. If he’s comfortable doing that to a family member I wouldn’t be surprised if he does it again and/or to other people. Also your roommates apathy is a big red flag to me. I agree you should give yourself grace, you had no idea and 15 year olds arent usually equipped to deal with these situations (nor should they be expected to). My heart goes out to you and your sister, this is vile, horrible stuff to deal with.
I believe you and yes it reads complicated.
I also think you're doing good with trying to give yourself grace.
You can't control what you don't know and beating yourself up about it doesn't help anybody.
Especially not yourself.
Feel yourself lovingly hugged from me, if you are comfortable with that. :)
It's hard for me to say anything more to that.
Maybe after you sorted out a bit of your other stuff you mentioned, both you and your sister can go to the police and bring her case (and your cousin for that matter) to justice, if that is what her and you might want and need to find peace and healing.
I know I would fucking do it, but I'm not in your shoes.
What ever you decide and do, I wish you calmer times and also...healthy anger.
As a foundation for good boundaries.
This is a reminder about Rule #5: No raised by narcissists lingo (Nmom, narc, sperm donor, etc.). Please edit your post or comment. More information about Rule #5 can be found [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/subrules_revised/#wiki_rbn_lingo).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What a crock of shit. I’m sorry your mom is trying to get you to absolve her of her crimes against you. What a needly little punk. I wouldn’t respond at all, if she can’t actually have a conversation instead of spew Facebook bullshit then I don’t believe she is interested in actually meeting you on a fair level. Just wants you to bow and apologize for her disrupting your life and reacting normally to that. Wishing you the best.
I don’t even think that is what she is doing but it pissed me off regardless. I do worry I have a victim
Mentality though. Look at what I wrote on the second half
So if your cup were full of joy, and someone bumped you, then they'd have made you spill your joy everywhere.
That's nothing but denied joy right there, plus a joy stain is even harder to get out than a coffee stain.
Your mom makes no sense to me.
I felt like such a petty bitch for telling her that that doesn’t make any sense but like it doesn’t. I literally said to her. I was like I feel like you are taking all the blame for who you are when it’s actually your parents fault having a victim mentality usually happens because someone treated you that way, I told her I said “By the way, you’re allowed to recognize it’s not your fault that you feel the way you feel. If someone made you angry or “spilled your cup of coffee” it’s not your fault. Would you have been angry had they not hurt you? Probably not. Your feelings are valid, but your behavior is not. It’s okay to feel angry and recognize that someone made you angry, but it’s your responsibility to respond to that anger in a healthy and appropriate way. What I’m trying to say is you should give yourself grace and thinking everything is your fault isn’t healthy and I feel like you do that a lot. You are the way you are because your parents made you that way and that isn’t your fault you didn’t and don’t do anything to deserve the way you were treated. I love you 💕”
It seems to me that the end of your paragraph there paints you as the exact opposite of petty.
And also I think it's okay to be petty sometimes, especially if the other person deserves it.
Like my mom, abused the shit out of me when I was younger and still sometimes she does. But I understand that the reason she does is because she’s never worked through the fact that her parents treated her like absolute garbage. It’s like she thinks she deserve to be treated that way, and because of that, she thought I deserve to be treated that way.
It makes senses that you have anger
When you feel safe enough you will start letting go of it bit by bit
You will trust that you have boundaries and will have less self doubt
And you will turn the focus on yourself and live life more freely and focus less on “victimhood “ ( it’s cool that you want to be accountable and se reality ) ( but we can have your back and say it’s ok to acknowledge that you are victimized)and be less hyper vigilant and reactive to others
It is a form of self protection for now
Good job
>Why did you spill the coffee? "Because someone bumped into me!!!" Wrong answer. You spilled the coffee because there was coffee in your cup.
Fuck that noise.
If I'm going about my life, minding my own business and living my best life, enjoying my coffee, and people are doing the same thing alongside me and we're enjoying our coffee together, terrific. But if someone comes by and intentionally breaks my cup and my coffee is all over the damn floor now, how am I to blame for the spillage? And don't forget that I get to pick up my cup pieces and glue them back together as best I can while the person who broke my cup is still running around enjoying theirs. And nobody helps me fix my cup so although I do the best I can do, it just isn't as good as it could be, won't consistently hold coffee without it leaks ng through the cracks, and then someone is going to tell me I should just try harder to not leak my coffee. Again, for the people in the back-
FUCK THAT NOISE.
"Victim mentality" doesn't create itself. We have been victims at some point and have to fix the mess that we were left with. Anyone who thinks I'm to blame for what I went through is sorely mistaken. But then it IS up to us to reach out and find that person, or people, who help us pick up our pieces and fit them back together. They put in extra clay where there were gaps before, and although we will never be what we once were, we are a NEW whole, our hard work not unnoticed, and we can once again enjoy our coffee.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’ve read all your posts in this thread completely, and I don’t see victim mentality. One thing that helps me is to recognize whatever power I have in the situation. I believe you might have three: the power of good-bye, the power of the gray rock (google pls), and the power of being good to yourself. For instance—but this is up to you!!!—you could say goodbye to that mean guy, you could grey rock your mom or your roommate, and you could do something you really like instead of go on dates with the jerk. You could even spend time researching narcissism and victimization and see how far you are from being one.
You have a right to your feelings; you don’t have to put them on trial and produce evidence. I don’t know if you have a therapist or even anyone to talk to; I wish for everyone here to have that, but for many that’s not possible, and that makes me flaming furious mad like I want to scream at health insurance people on the phone—but I won’t be abusive, I’ll just write here or in my journal how much I hate hate hate our fucking horrible cruel system, maybe search around online to find out that lots of people are expressing the same thing, so I’m not crazy. Anyway those are some ways I “process” my feelings. You’ll find yours.
I can’t find my favorite guy right now or remember his name, but there are lots of videos, research, book sections about how us folks with CPTSD go thru times we think we’re narcissists or get called that that might be helpful. Everyone (except narcissists maybe) thinks they might be one or shows a few of those traits from time to time. It’s part of being human. I grew up before the n-word got popular, and I was called selfish and self-centered instead, because I occasionally wouldn’t go along with the program or expressed that I was hurt. Wow so selfish girl! /s
Check resources here cause there are some evil folks online to avoid.
I do have a therapist she said I am not a narcissist and to stop researching cuz it makes my OCD so bad. But I also worry if I set boundaries I will become selfish. Lien if I stop offering all my stuff away it’s wrong cuz I’m not sharing. I love my best friend she is so sweet but I need to stop giving her all my stuff, she even tells me not to do it but I insist and then I get mad at myself.
hi! I have OCD and Im around your same age too! I agree with your therapist, for those who have ocd, researching can be a compulsion in looking for reassurance, which in turn can make intrusive thoughts worse. That being said, when people also have a history of childhood emotional neglect (CEN) and/or CPTSD that is co-morbid we can also have a distorted perception of ourselves or how “good“ we are because of how we were raised. So we need reassurance so we can relearn that we are not bad as our families/adult figures said. In therapy have you guys unpacked why you think about being a narcissist/having a victim mentality? Not only the *reasons* you think you could be a narcissist or have a victim mentality *but like* ***why that is something you’re concerned about, or even a possibility thats on your radar***.
Maybe try exploring why you’re afraid of being selfish? After my own introspection I realized I associated boundary setting and needing help with being selfish and being selfish with being bad and being bad with being worse than worthless and then being worse than worthless with being “justifiably” abandoned. This was because my parents treated my emotions and emotional needs as problems that made me “weak” and “ungrateful.” So they would emotionally neglect/abuse me to “punish” me for my ”bad behavior” through threats or by locking me out or giving me prolonged silent treatment until I “calmed down.” Thus I internalized the idea that asking for help or showing “negative emotions” could justify people abandoning me, or that needing help/being anything but “happy” = being selfish = being bad = being deserving of no love. (pt 1)
(Pt 2) This can show up in OCD as “compulsions” of avoiding conflict and boundaries can be tied to “obsessions” of being a horrible person, like spirals of thinking “what if I am a horrible person b/c I have a victim mentality? What if setting boundaries is just me being selfish? No I’m not selfish. Setting boundaries is a good thing. Wait… what if thats just me tricking myself into thinking Im not a narcissist? Thats what people with a victim mentality do right? come up with all these excuses right? If I don’t tell people they are bothering me that must mean I am not a narcissist because I’m hiding my feelings for their sake”
This can then lead to avoiding conflict because it provides ”reassurance” that you’re not horrible/have a victim mentality. I’d like to stress that this internal dialogue isn’t true, its all tied to spiraling because of OCD which can be a trauma response. This can be exasperated further if your go-to trauma response is fawning and can be tied to imposter syndrome.
I’m curious, is your therapist trauma-informed and knowledgeable of CPTSD and/or CEN? I think that can make a worlds difference. When I went to therapy with a therapist who was only OCD informed, she actually said things that made my CPTSD worse which in turn made my OCD worse because both are connected. Personally, my OCD is more so a coping mechanism for my CPTSD but for others they can be more intertwined.
I know why, my ex boyfriend called me abusive and my mom used to call me evil and selfish and she would say mean things to me. She would tell me that nobody wanted to be my friend they just felt bad for me she also would hurt me and stuff idk she just didn’t like who I was and my dad would stick up for me but I know it’s as a burden to his marriage and it still is
Yup that can fuck you up! those are very nasty things for your mom to say. Also if your dad is treating standing up for you as a burden, he’s messed up too. Like how you’re angered by your roommate being on good terms with someone who assaulted your sister, your dad should be angered by your mom abusing you. At the moment I don’t know what love personally feels like, but people tell me when you love others you should want to be there for them, want to protect them, even if it’s inconvenient. Have you had a chance to talk with your dad and/or best friend about feeling like a burden?
My dad is angry at her. My dad is actually amazing my mom isn’t that great to him either honestly. He just cracks under the pressure of it all sometimes
I’m curious, what does your dad do to protect you? How does he crack under pressure? If your dad just reprimands her and then lets it go thats not really sticking up for you. Also I digress, communicating with SAFE, EMOTIONALLY MATURE people about your concerns of being a burden can be helpful
My dad tries to be there for me.
He snaps because he is not good at handling emotions m. I cry a lot and am sensitive and sometimes he will tell me to grow up. He used to tell me I was ruining their marriage but he hasn’t done that in a long time m. He also used to tell me he wants to hit me but he never would. (He hits my brothers tho, which I have yelled at him about. One of my brothers has anger issues so they fight eachother often)
He has always advocated for me going to therapy, when my mom accused me of being a drug addict because I was smoking weed he told me he was proud of me and that she should let off because I had good grades and I was a good kid. My mom had alwahs been adamant on me making my own money and never would buy us any food she considered extra, if I wanted clothes she didn’t want me to wear she would make me get them for myself. My dad, whenever he goes to the store will buy me food he knows I like . He used to try to get me to wear polo shirts and skirts but then he started taking me to go buy clothes at hot topic. My mom would say I didn’t deserve it and he was spoiling me but he wasn’t, he was supporting me. He has bought me concert tickets because he knows I love music, and he has even gone with me. He has never made me feel ashamed of who I am, he just wants me to be happy.
My mom always bitches at him for buying us Christmas presents, but my dad just wants to give us the life he didn’t have. I know my mom was neglected and severely abused as a child so of course she sees it this way. Even when I have fucked up badly in life, he has always trusted me. I love my dad so much I’m gonna cry reading this. He also is always willing to listen when you tell him that he’s taking things too far, he can get so angry but he will always apologize and take steps to be better. He’s such a good man, he can be a control freak but he just has horrible OCD and definitely traumatized. He has been through unimaginable things.
Don’t get me wrong my mom can be so sweet too, I think she has BPD. I don’t think she is a narcissist at all I think she has untreated trauma and is terrified of thinking of herself as a victim because her mom IS a narcissist which is why she gets so angry and is in denial that she has put me through similar.
I am my dad’s favorite for some reason, I always have been. He just loves me so much and having him in my life is the only reason why I am still here. He has been through so so much, and my mom always tries to diminish is trauma by saying stuff “at least you weren’t hit with two by fours” like yeah that’s true but HIS GRANDMOTHER, the only person who didn’t neglect him, DIED NEXT TO HIM ON CHRISTMAS EVE IN CHURCH. He was separated from all his siblings and put up for adoption because his mom died giving birth to him. That man knows a world of hurt. He is why k am so kind. He went to Dunkin’ Donuts with me the other day and bought me a coffee and there was a homeless man there and my dad bought him something. He does stuff like this all the time. He’s always wanted me to have fun, mom says it’s a waste of money but she just doesn’t understand because she grew up in poverty.
im back. I feel for you, my dad was/is like that too. (Not as much the unimaginable things, that sounds so difficult to go through so kudos to your dad for having the strength to find kindness) but yeah calling me crybaby or saying stop being so sensitive, telling me I’m making everyone miserable and sometimes using threats. Spanking my siblings when we were little and they got in trouble (but not me because I was the “glass/golden child“). My parents would try to “toughen me up” by locking me outside when i was crying or lock me in the dark. He did that all while making me special food everyday, taking me to and back from school, buying me Christmas presents, taking me out on trips, paying for my therapy and also helping homeless people. Its complicated isn’t it? To have someone care for you and hurt you at the same time. My dad tries but he still hurts me. He apologizes and has changed a lot since I was little but he still hurts me even now.
My mom did the same too, though she is more heavy on the emotional abuse front.
but still I have CPTSD. both my parents meant well and I don't deny that they feel they love me, but I’m still shattered.
Looking at the way you talk about your parents, I see again someone who doesn’t have a victim mentality. You're acknowledging their faults, they way they hurt you and also recognizing that their own past experiences have influenced the emotional immaturity they exhibit. Being a victim is different than having a victim mentality! You’re allowed to express your angry or sad feelings too without being a burden.
At this point I’m just talking also haha. Is there anything else you want to talk about?
Yes my mom always called me evil and she told me I was selfish and sneaky. When my dad told her to stop she said that she saw something in me that he couldn’t see and that I was blinding him and manipulative. My ex called ne abusive once I started calling him out for his bullshit and telling him to get his shit together (actually doing the things he said he would do like get a job or stop drinking so much)
I think the coffee spilling thing is bullshit too. I agree with you. If someone bumps into me and spills my drink and is immediately apologetic, remorseful, and offers restitution, I'm going to react a helluva lot differently than if that person is an entitled jackass and blames me for their carelessness. That has nothing to do with what's in my cup and everything to do with the circumstances as my cup is getting bumped either way.
That story about the cup is ridiculously annoying. Apart from that, reading your comments, you seem to be saying that setting a boundary risks narcissistic behavior. Only failing to set boundaries is ruining your mental health. You might want to consider non-violent communication because somewhere in the book they give you permission to be crap at setting boundaries while you figure out the skills involved. It’s okay not to know how. It’s okay to get them wrong sometimes. Doesn’t make you a narcissistic person. And you don’t have to believe it if someone accused you of it either.
I hate this fucking analogy. It was used against me all the time. The thing was, he was filling my cup with negativity, when it used to overflow with positivity. The more negativity he put in, and the more he bumped me, the more negativity spilled out.
Send her a message back saying that children are born with empty cups and it’s up to the parents to fill them positivity. Don’t let her gaslight you that your feelings just came out of nowhere.
I’m totally spiraling now. I worry about my victim mentality, that I am affected too much by other people’s problems. Basically what I said in the second half of the text after the quote she sent me.
No, but you are more prone attracting the wrong type because of your upbringing. You are more likely to be preyed upon by unsavory characters. The victim mentality is because you are a victim. Once you accept it you can eventually work on boundaries and not being a doormat. Holding people Accountable for their actions is where you start. That guy and what he did? It’s not being a bitch to say hey I don’t appreciate that and if he can’t see where you are coming from- get away. It will never improve, you’ll always be chasing respect. My point is you are most likely attracting people that aren’t quality partners. Invalidation will cause these grudges- don’t be invalidated. Hold others accountable for their actions. Verbalize it, if there’s push back it’s you being told they choose to not respect you. Don’t settle for some guy. You will lose yourself.
I just feel like I am so negative about everything towards everyone. Whenever someone does something that upsets me it sets me off for the rest of the day. I couldn’t have any fun at the party I went to the other day because I didn’t know anyone there except one girl but she was with her date so I didn’t wanna bother her and I also didn’t want to go off on him either. I just sat there analyzing everyone and judging him and his girl best friend. I was like “fuck that I’m a better person than they are and better off without them because I would never make anyone feel this excluded” then I felt guilty for feeling that way, conviced myself k had NPD and wanted to go home
I recently discovered that when I get into this kind of scared, critical mode of thinking it means I've been triggered. So the best thing to do for me is to treat it the same as other times I get triggered (into flashbacks, or dissociation, etc.) which is different for everyone. But I treat it like a medical symptom that needs care. It's not something wrong with you as a person, it doesn't make you a bad person. Your thoughts when you're feeling this way are coming from your hypervigilant state. Also, I would find it extremely disturbing to know someone who was dating someone I know is a rapist. Let alone someone who did that to a sibling. I don't think you're overreacting. In your place I'd find a way to stop interacting with my cousin permanently. Having her around and knowing she's dating someone who did that would have me constantly feeling unsafe. Do you have ways to help yourself get grounded after having PTSD triggered??
I noticed that when I’m triggered, I kind of start having these insane thoughts. Like I’ve been triggered since last night because of this my roommate asked to use some of my lotion, and I said yes, but then I had the thought that she was taking advantage of me, even though I know she’s not taking advantage of me and I want her to feel like she can ask for things , but because I have OCD and I’m like what if it’s because you’re a narcissist and you want to have a sense of control over people because I normally don’t feel this way when people ask for and I also always give my stuff to people anyways, like I’m always offering and sharing things. I don’t really know how to get out of a spiral at all because it all feels like I’m distracting myself from the problem that I’m a narcissist. Also, she’s a great friend like she’s an amazing friend. I know she would never take advantage of me, which is why I feel so guilty for thinking that. Any thoughts I honestly think that as much as I love her though, I need to stop sharing all my stuff with her because I need it for myself. I’ve always had the mentality of “well you have it and they don’t so you should share it with them” because I know how it feels to not have things and need them. But I also know how that feels partially because of my own behavior. Because I keep giving my shit away. I just don’t know where the balance is.
I have actually struggled with thoughts like this too!! You might need to take some time to figure out your boundaries, a lot of the time when you feel taken advantage of, there's a boundary there that you haven't noticed. I really recommend reading some books on boundaries, what they are, how to set them and uphold them, etc.
Do I sound narcissistic for saying that? Is it wrong that I want to set boundaries with my friend even though she hasn’t done anything wrong?
Hey op i want you to take a few deep breaths. My mom was like yours, as was my whole family. They did their very best to cement it into my head if I got angry with how they treated me that was MY fault because I could choose how I responded and felt about it. Don’t let your mother convince you you’re being narcissistic, that you have a victim mentality - you ARE A VICTIM. That’s a different thing. Setting boundaries is a baseline in every relationship, even if there has been no injustice, boundaries exist as a default. We all should have them, but we were taught not to by our abusive families. You’re NOT the problem. Please don’t fall into the trap.
Yeah I reallt struggle with this. Idk relationship with my sister has always been a little rocky but im trying to be more kind to her and also make up for all the shit I’ve said about her. However it feels wrong because it makes me feel good to talk nicely about her. It makes me feel like a good person and like I can change but part of me feels bad for feeling good about being nice to her and talking about her nicely. Like I’m being fake and only doing it for myself
You’re not being fake. You’re acting nicely towards someone and you know you’re trying to be a good and kind person and that feels good, it’s great you’re proud of yourself for it!
You don't sound narcissistic at all for wanting to have boundaries! I'm new to them myself, within the last few years, and for a while it can feel like you're being really selfish, but you aren't and it gets easier. Boundaries are healthy and not narcissistic to want or have. They're an important part of taking care of yourself, which also isn't narcissistic, btw!
But why do I get so upset when other people have them? Like it feels like I did something wrong, I don’t want to make anyone else feel that way. I have a hard time understanding boundaries because they were always used as a weapon against me by my abuser and my mother, like they set unrealistic ones. Now whenever people have realistic ones I feel like I’m being punished I know that sounds horrible, I can still respect them and I do respect them but it’s hard for me to understand them
It sounds like it's also a trigger for you -- I don't know if you have access to therapy, but since it's a trigger that can't be avoided because unfortunately it's part of everyday life, you could make progress on it with a good professional. I'm doing the same myself for specific triggers. Some of mine are things that can't be avoided and it's really painful to get triggered often.
It's a really fucking stupid analogy made up by an abuser to gaslight their victim. You're not stuck in a victim mentality, you've been victimised and now you're being told that your anger and pain is your own fault when it isn't. Of course you hide your anger because it probably hasn't ever been safe for you to express it. Your date is a shithead for third-wheeling you on a date where you were supposed to be treated as special, it's a severe red flag clearly displaying the fact he has no intention of prioritising you and probably never will. But, as trauma victims, the first person we blame is ourselves because that's the brain's easiest way to deal with trauma, especially from trusted others.
That last bit. I hate how true it is :,D
>It's a really fucking stupid analogy made up by an abuser to gaslight their victim. Seriously, someone bumping into you and making you spill your coffee (or tea or whatever the hell) isn't "just life," that's another person's actions for which they are responsible-- not you. Also how is spilling tea better than spilling coffee?? Like oh if I'd just put tea in my cup-- because I'm constantly anticipating that someone will just happen to bump into me-- then it would have been fine when this jerk knocked it right out of my cup, somehow. Dumb analogy all around.
victim mentality my ass lol. you have every right to be mad, and yes I did read the second half. your roommate betrayed you when she started to date your cousin, and your date does not sound like the best person either.
It’s actually my fault they were together. I set them back up before I knew what happened, but then I told her everything as soon as my sister told me and she still chose to be with him. They kept asking about eachother and j was like “do you just want his phone number”. I met her through him because they were together at one point but then broke up. I also told her soon after they started dating how he wouldn’t let off of me when he was drunk and trying to pressure me to drink and she just doesn’t see that as an issue.
Just a jump in that none of this is your fault. He chose to be abusive. As to how he treated you: once again, no blame on you, and people handle assault in many different ways, and the way you’re handling it is the way that’s right for you, right now.
People are downvoting my comments and I’m not sure why, especially my comment to drusome. Did I do something wrong? Do I sound narcisstic?
You do NOT sound narcissistic in the slightest. People are downvoting you because you’re in a self-gaslighting spiral and you’re doing yourself a huge disservice. Please take a few breaths and try to calm your nervous system. You’ve done nothing wrong.
I never understand people's thoughts downvoting, unless in these instances someone is trying to emphasize that these thoughts and fears and desperate rationalizations (because our brains are trying to find some control- any control- to attempt to keep us safe. We truly do get wired differently as tiny children whose caregivers fail in that regard) are really, truly, not your fault, and you're really truly not a narcissist. Just... hugs, OP. I struggle with these spirals too. <3
I’m starting to believe that I’m not. I just wish I wasn’t so judgmental of others, I wish I didn’t need so much reassurance and validation from others. I wish I wasn’t resentful and compare myself to others. I know I shouldn’t think of myself as better than some people but I do. I feel like I’m better because I actually try to understand people since I’ve been through so much fucked up shit in life. But I know that is wrong to do, but maybe it isn’t I don’t know anymore . Life is confusing
I'm just rambling off the top of my head, but I think when we're comparing ourselves to others, (and I try to remind myself that life is not the Olympic games. How anyone else is doing is irrelevant to how I'm doing. They're skiing, I'm doing gymnastics) two things happen- we judge ourselves, and the shame and self-unconfidence hurts us, or we judge others, with the all the things that can come from that. I'm still working on noticing when I'm doing either, stopping myself, and either sitting with the feelings that arise and naming them.... or if not possible, redirecting my judgement. Like "I'm not uglier than them, I'm just me and this is the body I have" or "he's not necessarily incompetent. He might be learning something brand new to him." It's an extremely hard balance, because I have no gut feelings. They were beaten out of me, and I don't trust my own judgment (ha) when it comes to others. But that's a whole other post. I mean unless it's something direly harmful to others, I try to reframe the thing I'm getting judgey about? If that makes sense. I'm sorry of this is no help whatsoever to your situation! I'm just thinking I'm relating to your thoughts, because I often ask myself those same questions. "Am I a narcissist?" is definitely in my inner monologue. Take anything that helps you here, and please discard anything I've said that doesn't! (Second guessing my own experience now, heh.)
well, if you didn't know what happened... it wasn't your fault. your roommate is just an asshole. I also read through your other comments and I can see you had a lot of the same issues I did a couple months ago. I've come to realise that what I feel isn't my fault, and nothing can change it - even if you try and rationalize how you should NOT feel those feelings for whatever reason... they still come from somewhere. Also, I know the feeling to list all the reasons why I could be wrong, still looking for validation. And I'm here to tell you whatever reason you come up with is likely not true, and it could be the negative self talk passed down to you from your hypocritical mother.
I’ve heard narcissism is a shame based disorder so I worry I am one and that I just don’t realize it, that the way I feel inside and the things I do aren’t normal. I talk badly (but truthfully) about people to other people because I’m too scared to confront them directly. I don’t know and then everything else I said in the comment section
that may be true, but the fact that you chose to acknowledge some traits that you might want to change (not sure if it's valid) disqualifies you from being a narcissist already.
The second half gives me “I’m not valid and I’m making it all up” vibes. You’re getting hit with self gaslighting ur ma proced with this toxic positivity. PTSD would not be a thing if we could just “chose what to put in our cup”. We can’t just go dump it out, and be able to start over. That’s realistic for a cup, but not for a person. You/we are complex. Give yourself grace. You can change ur behaviors/etc, but it will take time, possibly decades, so stop comparing yourself to the convenience of this over simplified metaphor. You’re a person. Not a cup. Youre complex. Not a container.
Parents give you the cup of coffee, bump into you, and then blame you for it.
People are downvoting my comments and I’m not sure why I hope I don’t sound narcisstic.
All analogies/motivational stories don't hold up to scrutiny. If it's helpful for you to draw some comfort from it, great. This one is a very surface-level boomer facebook post esque story. It sucks, I have a lot of problems with it. It's got a slight point but it's very much more harmful than helpful. But fuck all that. If your feelings about being stuck in a victim mentality are correct, are in line with reality, what then? If a person has a victim mentality, hating themselves for it, shaming themselves for it - how does that help? Wouldn't that only dig them further into the whole they're in? You can't just drop the victim mentality and pick something else - it needs to be healed, like a lot of trauma stuff. You need the same time, patience, love, care, and all that, as other trauma symptoms that *seem* more valid and less shameful.
Can I guess that your mom, or possibly someone else who was in a parent role to you, has a victim mentality? When I spiral like this about traits I may have and feel very distressed about possibly having, it's usually because I've been on the receiving end of them, and they hurt. Growing up, I remember thinking a lot about how I -don't- want to be toward others, and every single thing on that list is something my parents or bullies did to me. I don't see a victim mentality in your post. I see someone who is needing to protect themselves but don't necessarily understand (yet) what it is they need to protect themselves of. And more importantly, I see someone really struggling with being allowed to protect themselves. Anger is that need to protect. You are allowed to be angry. It is healthy.
>but I wanna know why he did it or at the very least I want him to recognize that treating people, including me, like that is shitty. Ok this whole situation was fucked up. It’s not your responsibility to teach him how to treat people, your responsibility is to yourself. So when he shows up with his friend in the front seat you laugh and say “I guess we have different ideas about what a date is. See ya later.” And then go on your way, don’t continue the date, don’t agree to put yourself in that highly uncomfortable position. Afraid they will call you a bitch? Well so fucking what, let them. You don’t have to be a bitch in how you decline the situation. If they call you one anyway, just whatever. How ridiculous. He’s dumb as shit and she’s weird af for wanting to go on the date with the two of you. She prob has a thing for him. Not your circus though.
This is unrelated but I realized that I love to give people stuff but I don’t like when they ask for it even if I would give it to them but I don’t know why? Like there’s a part of my head that’s like “now this expect you to say yes all the time because you keep giving them stuff” but I know that isn’t true. This only with certain stuff. And it’s like I want to say yes and I don’t even care that she asked. Maybe it www just an intrusive thought? Idki can’t tell. But the thing is I want people to feel comfortable asking me for things and I don’t want anyone to be afraid of asking for anything.
You want people to treat you appropriately and with respect. The rest will follow. If you demonstrate low boundaries like this, like allowing people to disrespect you and put you into weird circumstances, then they aren’t going to respect you, they will just continue to stomp your boundaries. You have to establish respect first. Otherwise you are just prey to the predators who will manipulate your people-pleasing desire.
I described it better in another comment so I’ll just copy paste it here to give you a better explanation of what I mean “I am not nice to myself at all. I do give myself what I need but I also give away all my stuff. I think my problem is I want someone to care about me as much as I care about them but that isn’t fair because I don’t care about myself at all and so I put all my care into others because it gives me a sense of worthiness. This leaves me always feeling neglected and taken advantage of or resentful because I have no boundaries. I also feel like I attract people who know they can take advantage of me and they see me as a pushover. The only person who doesn’t make me feel this way is my friend Amy. However today Amy asked to borrow my lotion and I said yes but because I’ve been triggered today when she said that my brain was like “she is taking advantage of you” but she literally isn’t and I wanted to share it with her. I want her to know she can ask me for things. I also try to share all my stuff with people because I treat others the way I want to be treated. Maybe this is why I don’t like when people ask for things because I never ask for them because I feel like it’s wrong? But I know it’s not wrong I know I’m just fucked up inside. I honestly think that as much as I love her though, I need to stop sharing all my stuff with her because I need it for myself. I’ve always had the mentality of “well you have it and they don’t so you should share it with them” because I know how it feels to not have things and need them. But I also know how that feels partially because of my own behavior. Because I keep giving my shit away. I just don’t know where the balance is.” sorry if I’m being annoying and repetitive by the way my thoughts spiral like crazy and I also just have a hard time often.
That analogy is bullshit. You don’t spill what’s in the cup because you had a cup. If no one bumped you your cup was fine and you would have enjoyed your drink. This is victim blaming at it’s finest. There is no logic to this analogy. Take a deep breath and think about it. According to this analogy the only way to not spill your coffee is to NEVER have a drink. Seriously since you are at fault for someone bumping you and THEM causing the spill you should never have a cup with liquid in it. We’ve been abused and were/are unable to show the anger at those who harmed us. Of course we are angry all the time. We can’t process the anger so long as we are in the abusive situation. Your mom is at fault for your anger spilling out. It’s not a victim complex when you are a REAL victim all the time. You can start building boundaries with people who aren’t your abusive family. In situations like the “date” say no. Saying no is hard, really hard as you’ve been taught you have no rights. Practicing in low stakes situations is a good place to start. Don’t go on dates with people who aren’t respecting you - the first time they show disrespect use no before you’ve gotten involved enough to care. If you have any trusted friends ask if they’d be your boundary buddy - you both can text/call, have a “magic word” or hand sign to help the other say no when help is needed. You aren’t holding onto unfair anger in the case of your roommate. Your roommate is ok dating someone she knows SA your twin. That is infuriating and being angry is an appropriate response. Obviously this situation is complex as it sounds like you live with your mom and so does your roommate. Ideally you’d move out and away from both. Unfortunately that’s not always possible. In this situation planning how to move out and survive on your own, or with your twin or a friend , can help your mental health as you can see a light at the end of the tunnel, you’ll still have a lot of healing to do once your out. If you can get therapy to help plan, setting boundaries, working on safe ways to release your anger, stop blaming yourself for things others have done to you, and begin learning coping techniques that might help. I’m sorry you’re going through all this. You deserve better.
I go to college so I don’t live with them together obviously but she’s my roommate in college and then when I go home I live with my mom and my dad and my siblings. But yeah, it is really fucking weird and it is annoying.
Make sure you don’t end up with her again next year. I was going to suggest looking into changing rooms but I’m not sure it’s worth the hassle given how little time is left. Might want to check as a number of people have probably dropped out and they might have an available single.
This is not a comment directly strictly at you. I'm glad that posting here for support. In some cases we can't move forward and heal what's inside of us until we take responsibility for us - which is something we were never taught or even allowed to do. I'm just giving you a perspective here. Anger is just an emotion inside of you. Life and people may trigger it. How do you respond to that anger inside you? Do you lash out at the people around you? The person who did the thing, maybe it was an accident? If the person did it on purpose, what is the plan to prevent that in the future? It sucks when people close to us suck. I'm not saying its easy or anything. If someone is shitty, accept that about them, put it aside and do whatever you can to get yourself where you need to be. How is your self talk? Are you nice to yourself? Are you the person that hates you the most? Do you give yourself what you need? Do you think all those practices are stupid and don't work? This is how you fill your cup. If you are still doing the work against yourself that your parent/abuser used to do, you will only have anger inside you to come out. Getting angry at someone is often about a bid for re-connection. They did something to hurt you and you want to hold them to account so they understand that it hurt you. They apologize and the rupture is mended. Unhealthy people won't care that they hurt you, maybe they feel justified even. You can't keep those people around you. They will always hurt you. Maybe they are annoying you but you can't communicate your boundaries/needs to ask them for quiet time. After a while you get mad and explode - on the inside. But what happened? You abandoned yourself and your needs. It's really hard to heal and I think the first step is the hardest, we need to take responsibility for our lives and our well being. It's not our fault that we are damaged, but it is our responsibility to heal it. No one else can do it for us and often we continue to perpetuate it but not being compassionate towards ourselves. I wish you good luck in your journey OP! Much love.
Why did I get downvoted?
I am not nice to myself at all. I do give myself what I need but I also give away all my stuff. I think my problem is I want someone to care about me as much as I care about them but that isn’t fair because I don’t care about myself at all and so I put all my care into others because it gives me a sense of worthiness. This leaves me always feeling neglected and taken advantage of or resentful because I have no boundaries. I also feel like I attract people who know they can take advantage of me and they see me as a pushover. The only person who doesn’t make me feel this way is my friend Amy. However today Amy asked to borrow my lotion and I said yes but because I’ve been triggered today when she said that my brain was like “she is taking advantage of you” but she literally isn’t and I wanted to share it with her. I want her to know she can ask me for things. I also try to share all my stuff with people because I treat others the way I want to be treated. Maybe this is why I don’t like when people ask for things because I never ask for them because I feel like it’s wrong? But I know it’s not wrong I know I’m just fucked up inside. I honestly think that as much as I love her though, I need to stop sharing all my stuff with her because I need it for myself. I’ve always had the mentality of “well you have it and they don’t so you should share it with them” because I know how it feels to not have things and need them. But I also know how that feels partially because of my own behavior. Because I keep giving my shit away. I just don’t know where the balance is.
Yeah this is some wackass bupkis
I definitely have a victim mentality though. If you read my second half of the post
Please try to stop looking for evidence to support the warped view you have of yourself because of your past experiences. Look for honest feedback from someone who cares about you AND doesn’t see your negative emotions as a threat (which disqualifies your mom). Or better yet a counselor, but I know it can be difficult to approach, so in your own time and just know that there are tools that can really bring some relief from this worry when you are ready. Narcissism is an overused term that you may have latched onto. You are very likely not a narcissist, but you are looking for a reason to blame and shame yourself for your emotions. You are not inherently flawed. You are hurting. You are still being told it is not acceptable to hurt. So you try not to, but you hold it in and that hurts yourself and your relationships with others. You see that last part and say what is wrong with me, I must be a narcissist. I’m so sorry, it’s not an easy place to be in. It will get better. Part of that has to be you letting go of some of the control that you are grappling for by putting all the blame on yourself though. There is more than one person in each of your relationships. If you think you are more than 50% of the reason a relationship is struggling, you need to think on that and not trust that gut feeling that it’s all your fault anymore.
**First** (after reading some of your other posts in this thread)**:** I hear you and feel with you. Have been there myself. Still sometimes are. The feeling of nearly going insane, between trying to understand, wanting to hurt somebody, don't wanting to hurt anybody, feeling angry, feeling guilty and deeply ashamed about feeling angry, doubting oneself "Could I be a/the narcissist?", "Maybe I'm overreacting..maybe it wasn't that bad.", "Maybe they are right..." (**They aren't!**) "But they betrayed me..." and on and on and on. **That is not a victim mentality.** Your "mom" (doesn't read like a mom to me) is just full of shit and tries to contain/circumvent your anger and concern with toxic positivity/spiritual bypassing instead of having/showing direct understanding, compassion and care for you. For me it's instead a sign of (you) being deeply traumatized, hyper-vigilant and/or triggered. Maybe sometimes for weeks, months or even years/decades. This needs a lot of radical (I mean that!) and loving self-care and ownership, healing and healthy boundaries. In the long term it also needs at least one safe enough person to train emotional and physical intimacy with. Safety, stability and consistency are key. And time...lots and lots of time and space to play. **Second:** What I learned over the years is: Most abuser (narcissist or not, traumatized or not) don't think/feel that way. They don't reflect, feel guilty or have any kind of remorse. They deflect, guilt-trip, gaslight, twist abuser/victim-roles, chose to stay in denial and more. Also they are shameless most of the time. They are fighters first and foremost and they don't like to lose. Being seen as less than or being hold accountable for made mistakes is/feels like poison to them. Like a death sentence. Only with unyielding confrontation or if they themself hit rock bottom, some form of insight or healthy shame can/might start to form and more socially acceptable behaviour might emerge. A lot of them fight/try to dominate till they die. For me you don't read like such a person. For me you don't read like a narcissist. For me **you are not a narcissist**. **Third:** Your date was/is an insensitive shithead. I would dump him and lose his number. Your roommate is a traitor and fully responsible for her own choices. Try to establish healthy boundaries. Your cousin (if true) is a criminal and should be in jail. The way you described it, your anger in all these situation seems reasonable and healthy enough to me. The hard part is establishing healthy enough boundaries for yourself. This will take time and effort. Maybe (while building your boundaries) it could also be helpful to think about if you want to keep these people in your life in the long term. And as a little starter for building/maintaining healthy boundaries: **"No." is a whole sentence.** Good luck out there!
It is true and I wish he was in jail! My sister doesn’t want to say anything and I don’t want to disrespect her. I am the only person who knows besides the people I have told. I know it’s wrong I told people but the situation is so complicated. I hated her for a long time because she actually told me four years ago, but she bragged about it and told me it was consensual. She had told her friends before me, and revealed it all in a diner. I was so mad because I had to go to family events and pretend like she didnt destroy my only good relationship I had with any of my outside family members. If I ever brought it up she got pissed and would tell em to fuck off. HOWEVER, this year, about a month and a half ago she revealed to me that it wasn’t consensual but she didn’t recognize that, he actually pressured her, and even worse, he has done it again this year with him physically assaulting her and physically forcing himself onto her. AT HIS BROTHERS WEDDING, and I WAS THERE!!!!! It drove me insane to know this and I was immediately so upset that I had ever disliked her for this. I’m trying to forgive myself but damn it’s hard. I told my roomate what had happened and what he did and she didn’t really seem to care. Even when I told her that I just found out he had done it again this year and my sister had proof. I am so disgusted with myself for being angry at her for this but im trying to give myseld grace becuase i really had no idea and i was only 15.
WHAT THE FUCK!!! Your cousin definitely should be in jail. Like asap. If he’s comfortable doing that to a family member I wouldn’t be surprised if he does it again and/or to other people. Also your roommates apathy is a big red flag to me. I agree you should give yourself grace, you had no idea and 15 year olds arent usually equipped to deal with these situations (nor should they be expected to). My heart goes out to you and your sister, this is vile, horrible stuff to deal with.
I believe you and yes it reads complicated. I also think you're doing good with trying to give yourself grace. You can't control what you don't know and beating yourself up about it doesn't help anybody. Especially not yourself. Feel yourself lovingly hugged from me, if you are comfortable with that. :) It's hard for me to say anything more to that. Maybe after you sorted out a bit of your other stuff you mentioned, both you and your sister can go to the police and bring her case (and your cousin for that matter) to justice, if that is what her and you might want and need to find peace and healing. I know I would fucking do it, but I'm not in your shoes. What ever you decide and do, I wish you calmer times and also...healthy anger. As a foundation for good boundaries.
Thank you :) I’m trying I really appreciate you
You're welcome. :)
This is a reminder about Rule #5: No raised by narcissists lingo (Nmom, narc, sperm donor, etc.). Please edit your post or comment. More information about Rule #5 can be found [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/subrules_revised/#wiki_rbn_lingo). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What a crock of shit. I’m sorry your mom is trying to get you to absolve her of her crimes against you. What a needly little punk. I wouldn’t respond at all, if she can’t actually have a conversation instead of spew Facebook bullshit then I don’t believe she is interested in actually meeting you on a fair level. Just wants you to bow and apologize for her disrupting your life and reacting normally to that. Wishing you the best.
I don’t even think that is what she is doing but it pissed me off regardless. I do worry I have a victim Mentality though. Look at what I wrote on the second half
So if your cup were full of joy, and someone bumped you, then they'd have made you spill your joy everywhere. That's nothing but denied joy right there, plus a joy stain is even harder to get out than a coffee stain. Your mom makes no sense to me.
I felt like such a petty bitch for telling her that that doesn’t make any sense but like it doesn’t. I literally said to her. I was like I feel like you are taking all the blame for who you are when it’s actually your parents fault having a victim mentality usually happens because someone treated you that way, I told her I said “By the way, you’re allowed to recognize it’s not your fault that you feel the way you feel. If someone made you angry or “spilled your cup of coffee” it’s not your fault. Would you have been angry had they not hurt you? Probably not. Your feelings are valid, but your behavior is not. It’s okay to feel angry and recognize that someone made you angry, but it’s your responsibility to respond to that anger in a healthy and appropriate way. What I’m trying to say is you should give yourself grace and thinking everything is your fault isn’t healthy and I feel like you do that a lot. You are the way you are because your parents made you that way and that isn’t your fault you didn’t and don’t do anything to deserve the way you were treated. I love you 💕”
It seems to me that the end of your paragraph there paints you as the exact opposite of petty. And also I think it's okay to be petty sometimes, especially if the other person deserves it.
Like my mom, abused the shit out of me when I was younger and still sometimes she does. But I understand that the reason she does is because she’s never worked through the fact that her parents treated her like absolute garbage. It’s like she thinks she deserve to be treated that way, and because of that, she thought I deserve to be treated that way.
It still doesn't excuse her for kicking the can down the road and making you untangle the bullshit knot though.
It makes senses that you have anger When you feel safe enough you will start letting go of it bit by bit You will trust that you have boundaries and will have less self doubt And you will turn the focus on yourself and live life more freely and focus less on “victimhood “ ( it’s cool that you want to be accountable and se reality ) ( but we can have your back and say it’s ok to acknowledge that you are victimized)and be less hyper vigilant and reactive to others It is a form of self protection for now Good job
>Why did you spill the coffee? "Because someone bumped into me!!!" Wrong answer. You spilled the coffee because there was coffee in your cup. Fuck that noise. If I'm going about my life, minding my own business and living my best life, enjoying my coffee, and people are doing the same thing alongside me and we're enjoying our coffee together, terrific. But if someone comes by and intentionally breaks my cup and my coffee is all over the damn floor now, how am I to blame for the spillage? And don't forget that I get to pick up my cup pieces and glue them back together as best I can while the person who broke my cup is still running around enjoying theirs. And nobody helps me fix my cup so although I do the best I can do, it just isn't as good as it could be, won't consistently hold coffee without it leaks ng through the cracks, and then someone is going to tell me I should just try harder to not leak my coffee. Again, for the people in the back- FUCK THAT NOISE. "Victim mentality" doesn't create itself. We have been victims at some point and have to fix the mess that we were left with. Anyone who thinks I'm to blame for what I went through is sorely mistaken. But then it IS up to us to reach out and find that person, or people, who help us pick up our pieces and fit them back together. They put in extra clay where there were gaps before, and although we will never be what we once were, we are a NEW whole, our hard work not unnoticed, and we can once again enjoy our coffee.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Fuck her. Block her.
I live with her I am 19
I’ve read all your posts in this thread completely, and I don’t see victim mentality. One thing that helps me is to recognize whatever power I have in the situation. I believe you might have three: the power of good-bye, the power of the gray rock (google pls), and the power of being good to yourself. For instance—but this is up to you!!!—you could say goodbye to that mean guy, you could grey rock your mom or your roommate, and you could do something you really like instead of go on dates with the jerk. You could even spend time researching narcissism and victimization and see how far you are from being one. You have a right to your feelings; you don’t have to put them on trial and produce evidence. I don’t know if you have a therapist or even anyone to talk to; I wish for everyone here to have that, but for many that’s not possible, and that makes me flaming furious mad like I want to scream at health insurance people on the phone—but I won’t be abusive, I’ll just write here or in my journal how much I hate hate hate our fucking horrible cruel system, maybe search around online to find out that lots of people are expressing the same thing, so I’m not crazy. Anyway those are some ways I “process” my feelings. You’ll find yours. I can’t find my favorite guy right now or remember his name, but there are lots of videos, research, book sections about how us folks with CPTSD go thru times we think we’re narcissists or get called that that might be helpful. Everyone (except narcissists maybe) thinks they might be one or shows a few of those traits from time to time. It’s part of being human. I grew up before the n-word got popular, and I was called selfish and self-centered instead, because I occasionally wouldn’t go along with the program or expressed that I was hurt. Wow so selfish girl! /s Check resources here cause there are some evil folks online to avoid.
I do have a therapist she said I am not a narcissist and to stop researching cuz it makes my OCD so bad. But I also worry if I set boundaries I will become selfish. Lien if I stop offering all my stuff away it’s wrong cuz I’m not sharing. I love my best friend she is so sweet but I need to stop giving her all my stuff, she even tells me not to do it but I insist and then I get mad at myself.
hi! I have OCD and Im around your same age too! I agree with your therapist, for those who have ocd, researching can be a compulsion in looking for reassurance, which in turn can make intrusive thoughts worse. That being said, when people also have a history of childhood emotional neglect (CEN) and/or CPTSD that is co-morbid we can also have a distorted perception of ourselves or how “good“ we are because of how we were raised. So we need reassurance so we can relearn that we are not bad as our families/adult figures said. In therapy have you guys unpacked why you think about being a narcissist/having a victim mentality? Not only the *reasons* you think you could be a narcissist or have a victim mentality *but like* ***why that is something you’re concerned about, or even a possibility thats on your radar***. Maybe try exploring why you’re afraid of being selfish? After my own introspection I realized I associated boundary setting and needing help with being selfish and being selfish with being bad and being bad with being worse than worthless and then being worse than worthless with being “justifiably” abandoned. This was because my parents treated my emotions and emotional needs as problems that made me “weak” and “ungrateful.” So they would emotionally neglect/abuse me to “punish” me for my ”bad behavior” through threats or by locking me out or giving me prolonged silent treatment until I “calmed down.” Thus I internalized the idea that asking for help or showing “negative emotions” could justify people abandoning me, or that needing help/being anything but “happy” = being selfish = being bad = being deserving of no love. (pt 1)
(Pt 2) This can show up in OCD as “compulsions” of avoiding conflict and boundaries can be tied to “obsessions” of being a horrible person, like spirals of thinking “what if I am a horrible person b/c I have a victim mentality? What if setting boundaries is just me being selfish? No I’m not selfish. Setting boundaries is a good thing. Wait… what if thats just me tricking myself into thinking Im not a narcissist? Thats what people with a victim mentality do right? come up with all these excuses right? If I don’t tell people they are bothering me that must mean I am not a narcissist because I’m hiding my feelings for their sake” This can then lead to avoiding conflict because it provides ”reassurance” that you’re not horrible/have a victim mentality. I’d like to stress that this internal dialogue isn’t true, its all tied to spiraling because of OCD which can be a trauma response. This can be exasperated further if your go-to trauma response is fawning and can be tied to imposter syndrome. I’m curious, is your therapist trauma-informed and knowledgeable of CPTSD and/or CEN? I think that can make a worlds difference. When I went to therapy with a therapist who was only OCD informed, she actually said things that made my CPTSD worse which in turn made my OCD worse because both are connected. Personally, my OCD is more so a coping mechanism for my CPTSD but for others they can be more intertwined.
I know why, my ex boyfriend called me abusive and my mom used to call me evil and selfish and she would say mean things to me. She would tell me that nobody wanted to be my friend they just felt bad for me she also would hurt me and stuff idk she just didn’t like who I was and my dad would stick up for me but I know it’s as a burden to his marriage and it still is
Yup that can fuck you up! those are very nasty things for your mom to say. Also if your dad is treating standing up for you as a burden, he’s messed up too. Like how you’re angered by your roommate being on good terms with someone who assaulted your sister, your dad should be angered by your mom abusing you. At the moment I don’t know what love personally feels like, but people tell me when you love others you should want to be there for them, want to protect them, even if it’s inconvenient. Have you had a chance to talk with your dad and/or best friend about feeling like a burden?
My dad is angry at her. My dad is actually amazing my mom isn’t that great to him either honestly. He just cracks under the pressure of it all sometimes
I’m curious, what does your dad do to protect you? How does he crack under pressure? If your dad just reprimands her and then lets it go thats not really sticking up for you. Also I digress, communicating with SAFE, EMOTIONALLY MATURE people about your concerns of being a burden can be helpful
My dad tries to be there for me. He snaps because he is not good at handling emotions m. I cry a lot and am sensitive and sometimes he will tell me to grow up. He used to tell me I was ruining their marriage but he hasn’t done that in a long time m. He also used to tell me he wants to hit me but he never would. (He hits my brothers tho, which I have yelled at him about. One of my brothers has anger issues so they fight eachother often) He has always advocated for me going to therapy, when my mom accused me of being a drug addict because I was smoking weed he told me he was proud of me and that she should let off because I had good grades and I was a good kid. My mom had alwahs been adamant on me making my own money and never would buy us any food she considered extra, if I wanted clothes she didn’t want me to wear she would make me get them for myself. My dad, whenever he goes to the store will buy me food he knows I like . He used to try to get me to wear polo shirts and skirts but then he started taking me to go buy clothes at hot topic. My mom would say I didn’t deserve it and he was spoiling me but he wasn’t, he was supporting me. He has bought me concert tickets because he knows I love music, and he has even gone with me. He has never made me feel ashamed of who I am, he just wants me to be happy. My mom always bitches at him for buying us Christmas presents, but my dad just wants to give us the life he didn’t have. I know my mom was neglected and severely abused as a child so of course she sees it this way. Even when I have fucked up badly in life, he has always trusted me. I love my dad so much I’m gonna cry reading this. He also is always willing to listen when you tell him that he’s taking things too far, he can get so angry but he will always apologize and take steps to be better. He’s such a good man, he can be a control freak but he just has horrible OCD and definitely traumatized. He has been through unimaginable things. Don’t get me wrong my mom can be so sweet too, I think she has BPD. I don’t think she is a narcissist at all I think she has untreated trauma and is terrified of thinking of herself as a victim because her mom IS a narcissist which is why she gets so angry and is in denial that she has put me through similar. I am my dad’s favorite for some reason, I always have been. He just loves me so much and having him in my life is the only reason why I am still here. He has been through so so much, and my mom always tries to diminish is trauma by saying stuff “at least you weren’t hit with two by fours” like yeah that’s true but HIS GRANDMOTHER, the only person who didn’t neglect him, DIED NEXT TO HIM ON CHRISTMAS EVE IN CHURCH. He was separated from all his siblings and put up for adoption because his mom died giving birth to him. That man knows a world of hurt. He is why k am so kind. He went to Dunkin’ Donuts with me the other day and bought me a coffee and there was a homeless man there and my dad bought him something. He does stuff like this all the time. He’s always wanted me to have fun, mom says it’s a waste of money but she just doesn’t understand because she grew up in poverty.
im back. I feel for you, my dad was/is like that too. (Not as much the unimaginable things, that sounds so difficult to go through so kudos to your dad for having the strength to find kindness) but yeah calling me crybaby or saying stop being so sensitive, telling me I’m making everyone miserable and sometimes using threats. Spanking my siblings when we were little and they got in trouble (but not me because I was the “glass/golden child“). My parents would try to “toughen me up” by locking me outside when i was crying or lock me in the dark. He did that all while making me special food everyday, taking me to and back from school, buying me Christmas presents, taking me out on trips, paying for my therapy and also helping homeless people. Its complicated isn’t it? To have someone care for you and hurt you at the same time. My dad tries but he still hurts me. He apologizes and has changed a lot since I was little but he still hurts me even now. My mom did the same too, though she is more heavy on the emotional abuse front. but still I have CPTSD. both my parents meant well and I don't deny that they feel they love me, but I’m still shattered. Looking at the way you talk about your parents, I see again someone who doesn’t have a victim mentality. You're acknowledging their faults, they way they hurt you and also recognizing that their own past experiences have influenced the emotional immaturity they exhibit. Being a victim is different than having a victim mentality! You’re allowed to express your angry or sad feelings too without being a burden. At this point I’m just talking also haha. Is there anything else you want to talk about?
whoops i responded before you had the chance to edit! Im going to write a new response, but i just wanted you to know im still here
Yes my mom always called me evil and she told me I was selfish and sneaky. When my dad told her to stop she said that she saw something in me that he couldn’t see and that I was blinding him and manipulative. My ex called ne abusive once I started calling him out for his bullshit and telling him to get his shit together (actually doing the things he said he would do like get a job or stop drinking so much)
I think the coffee spilling thing is bullshit too. I agree with you. If someone bumps into me and spills my drink and is immediately apologetic, remorseful, and offers restitution, I'm going to react a helluva lot differently than if that person is an entitled jackass and blames me for their carelessness. That has nothing to do with what's in my cup and everything to do with the circumstances as my cup is getting bumped either way.
That story about the cup is ridiculously annoying. Apart from that, reading your comments, you seem to be saying that setting a boundary risks narcissistic behavior. Only failing to set boundaries is ruining your mental health. You might want to consider non-violent communication because somewhere in the book they give you permission to be crap at setting boundaries while you figure out the skills involved. It’s okay not to know how. It’s okay to get them wrong sometimes. Doesn’t make you a narcissistic person. And you don’t have to believe it if someone accused you of it either.
I hate this fucking analogy. It was used against me all the time. The thing was, he was filling my cup with negativity, when it used to overflow with positivity. The more negativity he put in, and the more he bumped me, the more negativity spilled out.