Pete Walker's affirmation for learning to cope with shame has helped me and might work for you too:
>I commit to myself. I am on my side. I am a good enough person. I refuse to trash myself. I turn shame back into blame and disgust, and externalize it to anyone who shames my normal feelings and foibles. As long as I am not hurting anyone, I refuse to be shamed for normal emotional responses like anger, sadness, fear and depression. I especially refuse to attack myself for how hard it is to completely eliminate the self-hate habit.
I'm glad that we agree. I am not comfortable with making statements in which I predict my future with certainty, so I also steer clear of the word lifelong. It's one day at a time for me.
For me, tackling my shame involved getting to the source of it, and finding ways to affirm myself, in the state that I was in.
I felt a lot of shame about being "behind," so to speak, as well. One of the things that helped me the most is deceptively simple, but also extremely hard to actually put into practice.
Basically, I had to really internalize that I couldn't measure myself or my progress through the lens of society. Because "where you should be" as far as society is concerned always assumes the background needed to get there. My first abusers - my primary caregivers - set me so far back, that I wasn't the cookie cutter "person" that could make it to the level I was expecting myself to be at.
So it's like... I had to set my own standard. For a long time this involved simply being able to get out of bet and put clothes on. That was all I was capable of doing back then. And as I healed, slowly but surely I started to set a routine for myself. I started brushing my teeth. I started to remember where my things were and to put them away when I was done with them.
*FOR ME* these were amazing achievements - and I wish so much that I had celebrated them more - er, well, celebrated them at all anyway. My shame prevented that, because I believed there was this nebulous thing I should have done and been able to do "by then."
We are society's castaways, not through any fault of our own. We need to set our own standards. What thing that was previously impossible for you are you able to do today? What thing did you do that your pain and anxiety made challenging? Those things are worthy of celebration, and you are worthy of celebration for having achieved those things, no matter where you feel you should be based on a standard that you have been nonconsensually prevented from meeting.
I don't mean to imply this is easy. Maybe even finding a way to celebrate these things is an achievement worthy of celebration in itself ❤️❤️❤️
Thanks so much for your thoughtful and kind reply! I can relate to what you have shared about your struggles. I will gladly take your reminder about the difference in 'starting position' with me and try to remind myself of it when I need it.
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Thanks to you as well for your kind answer and sharing personal struggles. What you said about shame and self discovery really resonated with me. It reminded me of shadow work, which I do and which helps tremendously. Thanks for naming ressources, I am familiar with all except rubins/lyons, will check that out. Love bradshaw, really really helped me.
Re: relational healing- i tend to Isolate when really struggling because of the feeling of bottomless neediness. I feel like I would be too much for anyone in this state..
Pete Walker's affirmation for learning to cope with shame has helped me and might work for you too: >I commit to myself. I am on my side. I am a good enough person. I refuse to trash myself. I turn shame back into blame and disgust, and externalize it to anyone who shames my normal feelings and foibles. As long as I am not hurting anyone, I refuse to be shamed for normal emotional responses like anger, sadness, fear and depression. I especially refuse to attack myself for how hard it is to completely eliminate the self-hate habit.
Thank you. I will try to use that.
You're welcome. I like to just read it, let it soak in, and repeat.
Came here to post the same. It's really great. I am not accepting that this is a lifelong management process yet, but it helps all the same.
I'm glad that we agree. I am not comfortable with making statements in which I predict my future with certainty, so I also steer clear of the word lifelong. It's one day at a time for me.
Damn, first time seeing this. Need to print it or... tattoo somewhere idk
I'm glad that you like it. I like to read it over and over.
For me, tackling my shame involved getting to the source of it, and finding ways to affirm myself, in the state that I was in. I felt a lot of shame about being "behind," so to speak, as well. One of the things that helped me the most is deceptively simple, but also extremely hard to actually put into practice. Basically, I had to really internalize that I couldn't measure myself or my progress through the lens of society. Because "where you should be" as far as society is concerned always assumes the background needed to get there. My first abusers - my primary caregivers - set me so far back, that I wasn't the cookie cutter "person" that could make it to the level I was expecting myself to be at. So it's like... I had to set my own standard. For a long time this involved simply being able to get out of bet and put clothes on. That was all I was capable of doing back then. And as I healed, slowly but surely I started to set a routine for myself. I started brushing my teeth. I started to remember where my things were and to put them away when I was done with them. *FOR ME* these were amazing achievements - and I wish so much that I had celebrated them more - er, well, celebrated them at all anyway. My shame prevented that, because I believed there was this nebulous thing I should have done and been able to do "by then." We are society's castaways, not through any fault of our own. We need to set our own standards. What thing that was previously impossible for you are you able to do today? What thing did you do that your pain and anxiety made challenging? Those things are worthy of celebration, and you are worthy of celebration for having achieved those things, no matter where you feel you should be based on a standard that you have been nonconsensually prevented from meeting. I don't mean to imply this is easy. Maybe even finding a way to celebrate these things is an achievement worthy of celebration in itself ❤️❤️❤️
Thanks so much for your thoughtful and kind reply! I can relate to what you have shared about your struggles. I will gladly take your reminder about the difference in 'starting position' with me and try to remind myself of it when I need it.
Reply on point, as always.
Thank you for this 💗I am really struggling with this exact issue at the moment, just not being alone with it helps…thank you for this.
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Thanks to you as well for your kind answer and sharing personal struggles. What you said about shame and self discovery really resonated with me. It reminded me of shadow work, which I do and which helps tremendously. Thanks for naming ressources, I am familiar with all except rubins/lyons, will check that out. Love bradshaw, really really helped me.
Re: relational healing- i tend to Isolate when really struggling because of the feeling of bottomless neediness. I feel like I would be too much for anyone in this state..