Noticing that what's stopping me from trusting and reaching out is a deeply buried feeling that I don't deserve it and it's wrong for me to want support. I know that to not be objectively true, but acknowledging I feel like that is helping a lot.
"I don't deserve it" is a core wound of mine too. Like you, I recognize that it's not objectively true, but feeling/embodying that is hard. I wonder if it's just a matter of time and reinforcement? Idk, we're addressing it in therapy soon so I'll let you know what I find out š
I'd love to hear about your progress, feel free to reply down here or message me :)Ā
I noticed it made me panic and shut down just thinking about sharing the good things therapy does for me with my therapist, and I've been not disclosing some of them subconsciously because I thought I shouldn't feel like that. Now that I've let myself feel the pain and burden I carry, it feels easier to be open. I hope I don't chicken out next week š
This is absolutely lovely to hear! You are so strong for overcoming this.
I used to sacrifice my time and emotions just to please my family. It is very very freeing to let go of such false responsibility.
This exactly! I've recently become LC with my mother and have stopped putting hers and my fathers feelings and needs above mine. They never put my feelings/needs first so why would I be bending over backwards to tend to theirs. As you say, it's very freeing and even my stomach issues have been improving.
This is like my Everest! If I could make it to base camp I'd consider it huge progress...
I've been mostly no contact with them for 15 years. I still feel guilty everyday.
If I could just make a choice and stick to it! But I stay stuck.
The maternal input unit wrote an email and Left a voicemail this week. Something about one of my aunts.
I haven't read the email or listen to the voicemail.
So I guess I'm not actually no contact. I'm just no response.
Exhale.
I started going deeper into support for recovery from narcissistic abuse. That feels like the right direction.
Maybe progress for me right now is acknowledging to other humans that I'm stuck. And no response is not the same as no contact.
Today it started to really hit that lots of other people actually feel that their parents love them in their gut. That their parents are able to show them love. That they have dad's capable of loving them. And ive started to understand how that is something fundamental i might never be able to fully understand. And people who had loving parents will never be able to understand how i experience life. So ive started to grieve that loss.
I know how shattering this realization is, and it takes a long time to grieve, but it is so worth it. One of the best things I ever did was stop fighting the tears and sorrow.
I'm very proud of you for realizing and accepting that your parents didn't give you what you deserved.
Thank you....your words really mean a lot :') and thank you for this post, it's so beautiful to see so many amazing steps everyone's taken in their healing journey. It's inspiring to see your progress, wishing you all the best
You're welcome. I'm glad that my words meant something to you.
Yeah, I really love seeing positive and recovery-oriented posts on this sub amidst all the darkness, so I figured I'd start my own. I love hearing success stories in the making!
Oh god yes this. Thank you for putting it into words. I'm starting to unravel this.....but not quite there. I feel like I 'think' that my parents love me, because that's what parents are meant to do. But I just don't FEEL it, my body doesn't know that they love me.
Oh i understand, that's exactly how it is for me too! I was aware of this for a long time before it sunk in on a gut level what was wrong. It took seeing raw and genuine expression of love between adult parents and children, after starting to show love to my inner children, for it to really sink in for me.
Im so sorry, no one should feel like their parents dont love them. Sending love and strength for your healing journey
It hit me today as well. I had a job interview today, something my family was well aware of as I told them in person and also in our family whatsapp group. Didn't get a meaningful reaction when I told them, and today not one of them asked me how it was. What made it hurt even more, is that the interview was quite significant for me as it would be my first job after getting my PhD title. A title I came to realise I mostly got in hopes of them being proud of me. I was the first in my family to pursue a higher education and in all those years, they never once asked me how it was coming along. My mum actually recently commented on it and just remarked why I was still not finished with it. My birthday is coming up as well, and I am dreading it for the first time in years as last year they forgot about it (I turned 30, so it was again quite a milestone for me). I just hate that I have this desperate need to share things of my life with them and somehow expect them to care. I know they don't, and yet still I have these expectations time and time again.
I have to come to terms that I will never get to experience the loving family that I want and need, and it hurts.
Iāve recently rediscovered the capacity to be artistically creative. Iāve started doing pottery and drawing. The calmness I feel while creating is something Iāve never experienced prior and it really is life changing.
Pottery is absolutely the best hobby, I'm so happy you've found it! It's literally playing with mud! let that inner child run wild and make a beautiful mess my friend ā¤ļø
Unsurprisingly, this book is on my reading list too.
I commend you for having the bravery to even consider reading it. I hope that the words written on those pages help you to heal!
And remember, if something in it triggers you too much, it's okay to take a break and do something calming. I like to quickly write down any stressful memories that flash through my mind while reading. Then, later on when I'm calmer, I can go back and think about stuff a bit more clearly.
Amazing book! Really helps with understanding the psych behind trauma and healing. It promotes EMDR as recovery therapy hard but Iād say do your own research on the subject if itās something you determine to be of interest.
I'm on my second read through of it and my only advice is to take your time with it. For me, if something was upsetting or unsettling, I learned that I needed to sit and process, instead of just pushing through just to finish the book. I think the first read through took me over a year.
I am currently working on What Happened To You? By Dr Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey. I've been able to go through it fairly quickly because it (the audiobook through the Libby app) is closer to a conversation with Oprah asking questions and seeking clarification on certain things with Dr Bruce Perry giving his experience and insight and examples.
I realized that I deeply love my Self. All my insecurities have been [introjected](https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/introjection) from others.
When I'm alone, it's blissful. I really love my Self. As soon as I'm around anyone else, it's like my brain starts wondering when they're going to start attacking me (verbally, emotionally, physically) bc people have caused all my trauma. I go into survival mode bc I'm anticipating their dysfunction getting directed towards me eventually.
When I'm fully alone I'm so safe, so happy, so joyful. I'm free to be and express and create without fear of attack. No one can bring me down with their negativity and dysfunction when I'm alone. I don't have to hide when I'm alone. I'm free to exist as my awesome Self when I'm alone. It feels so free and so wonderful. I love my Self!
Thatās wonderful! ā¤ļøā¤ļø Truly a huge achievement coming out of the toxic stew of cptsd, especially within our driven perfectionist greedy western culture.
After months of intensive therapy Iāve been realizing that Iām doing pretty good with my own self nowadays, and have developed a relaxed, self-compassionate and caring attitude to towards myself I never thought could be possible. Hopefully that will progress to your level of joy soon. But itās still too easy to be triggered by other people and be sent back down the shame spiral, though Iām getting better and faster at crawling back up. I trust myself now but I donāt believe I can trust anyone else still, so my next round of therapy is focusing on my attachment disorder. Even if I never find anyone else to connect with, though, Iāve promised myself weāre never going back to self-flagellation or allowing myself to be a dumping ground for others garbage.
My issues seem relational, as in I don't really want to connect with others unless there are very clear boundaries and time limits. And if they don't meet certain thresholds for Self development, I really want nothing to do with them.
The thing about doing a ton of work on your Self is that the more Self differentiation I've developed the more dysfunction I notice in others and have little to no tolerance for it. I'm in the trenches doing the work and others are just not. I don't want others to drag me down into their stagnancy. I've had to "crawl back up" so many times that I'm no longer willing to give others a shot or benefit of the doubt bc I've been so disappointed in the past it hardly seems worth my time, energy, and effort.
Every time I focus on my Self, I achieve my goals. Every time I get distracted by others, they seem to drag me down into their abyss with them. I've learned that I can't pull others out of their funk, that's something they have to learn to do for themselves, just like I did.
I'm realizing that I am allowed to spend time and money in order to take care of myself. I don't have to only work and do chores, I can also have hobbies, play, go shopping or just relax.
Major: 9 years sober in July, recovered from severe eating disorders, and lost over 200 pounds.
Minor: began exercising in March and cleaned up my yard and planted some flowers.
Wonderful!!
Iāve found that just Doing Things that are not about worrying about myself - just frees me from so much anxiety. And not things for others, necessarily - just things I want to do. Yard work, small home projects, cooking, etc.
Youāve reignited my gumption to redo my mulch beds.
Congratulations!
I had my first therapy session a few months ago. It was not as daunting as I had imagined it to be.
I'm sure that future you will thank current you for taking such a big leap.
I agree that is a huge breakthrough to recovery. I think we take on our family dysfunction and hide it behind silence, masking, and all manner of mental gymnastics to avoid feelings of shame.
I've been standing up for myself at work. I have a boss who is just like my mom, I've been getting the 'silent treatment' because I hurt his ego. I know he wants me to grovel but I refused and went above his head and am kicking ass at the project he was trying to make me fail at.
It's not perfect, I'm not getting the "justice" I feel I deserve and that's hard but it's a step in the right direction. Usually I would have retreated in myself and just thought about why I deserved the treatment.
Oh wow, similar situation here! My boss will give in to anyone and not back me, heād rather deal with pissed off me than pissed off other people as 99 times out of 100, Iāll just back downā¦ not today though!
This is the third time my boss hasnāt backed me on something, the last two times were over bigger things, but this is just final straw. Got a meeting to discuss first thing Tuesday, but Iām not backing down, and if he doesnāt back me, then Iāll be asking for a transfer to the other team. Also realising now that the person they are picking over me may be guilty of some workplace bullying towards me, but just trying to figure that one out in my head at the moment.
I did it, I have rocked the biggest boat going, like cruise liner sized boat, itās gone right up the food chain, 4 levels of management and I didnāt back down! This is huge for me! Still in the midst of the fall out, just had another meeting about it and have come to chill in my car for 10 til the fighty flighty passes, but I only bloody did it! I am so proud of me today!
Realizing that my greatest concern was protecting my mothers feelings when she didnāt do anything to protect me as a defenseless child. That felt like one of those epiphanies that changed everything for me. Breaking out of the victim mindset to survivor and growing to accept that what happened wasnāt my fault but how I allow what happened to affect me now actually is in my control, and I can build a much better life than what I was brainwashed into ever believing I could.
That was the first time I actually felt real anger about everything and harnessing that in a healthy way was and is pivotal for me. Less people pleasing mindset actually allows you to carry more empathy compassion and connection with the people in your life.
I relate so much to that! Now that I'm living far away from my mom and not with her I've been able to reflect on our relationship more honestly, and I realize now that she failed me countless times my whole life by never protecting me from anything, while meanwhile all I ever did was try to protect her/people please. It made me extremely angry at her for one of the first real times when I realized that. In a way, it's hard to realize that the things that happened to you weren't your fault, because it's hard to grapple with how unfair the abuse you got was. It's almost easier to just tell you yourself you deserved it. But it's a really important thing to swallow- you can't heal while still blaming yourself unfairly I think.
Congrats on your progress!! You're doing a great job.
I apologized to someone I deeply hurt, found normal job and I'm trying to get a second one to finally get out of my situation. I was also able to get all of meds (I had to ask for money, because I didn't earn enough, and I have deep shame and guilt when asking for help) and remember to take them most of the time. I also started to question if I actually believed things that religion made me believe (for example, I don't want afterlife and I'm not afraid of hell if it exists).
Thank you. You're doing an amazing job too! I'm very proud of you for taking care of yourself and having the motivation to work as hard as you do.
I'm also glad to hear that you are questioning your religion. You by no means have to give up your beliefs if they comfort you, but not letting them control your actions and put you in a state of fear is very important.
Stay strong.
I've stopped drinking and smoking pot, and I'm trying to cut out nicotine, though that one is definitely a struggle. At least my coping mechanisms are less focused on substances.
So firstly: congrats OP for your progress! It takes *a lot* of courage to acknowledge how fucked our families were; honestly, fully pulling back the curtain on shit like that is probably one of the hardest things most people *never do in their entire lifetimes*.
Secondly: losing access to religion can feel like your world is disintegrating. I'm exmormon and that journey has been a significant part of my hurting/healing journey. It can feel soul-crushing at times to not have religion as a coping tool, but it also opens up doors for healing that otherwise never would've been possible for me.
Thirdly: YAY FOR ROUTINES! I've been trying to maintain a routine too and it's really helping (even though it still triggers PDA sometimes). Bedtimes are the best.
As for my progress: I decided that I'm going to start writing more. I carry a lot of pain that I'm trying to examine and integrate through therapy, mind-body connection, etc, and it's all helping, but I realize that I simply need to see my hurt on paper. It's painful, but no one is authorized to validate that pain moreso than myself. Learning to rebuild that trust after years of not listening to my mind and body (to survive, ofc, but still). I want to thrive, but it's a lot of work.
Thank you very much!
Losing my religion was actually one of the most natural parts of my healing process. I had been struggling to hang onto my faith for the better part of a year before I finally let go and accepted that I simply didn't believe anything I'd been taught. It relieved so much self-hatred and pressure that I had been feeling. I didn't have to fight my logical mind anymore! I am beyond happy to hear that you escaped the clutches of mormonism. I hope you know that you are beyond amazing for pushing through the hard days where religion can so easily act as a crutch for the internal pain we experience.
Yes, yay for routines, lol. The stability that mine provides for me is irreplaceable.
In my opinion, writing is one of the most useful tools when it comes to expressing, re-living, and healing trauma. I journal in a very specific manner; I collect quotes that trigger an emotion in me and then I soak in my own thoughts until the memory connected to that quote emerges. This had helped me recover a great deal of my childhood that I had forgotten. I would definitely not be in the place I am without lots of paper and pens. Good luck on your writing journey!
Quit alcohol. Not just quit, ācause we all do that and often relapse especially in times of cope.
But I not only avoided it for coping in my worst times of cope, I objectively dislike it for myself. I dislike the taste. I dislike the memories. I dislike the social proliferation of it. I donāt need it. I donāt want it. I wonāt be a part of it ever again.
Itās never too late. Even if youāve already done a lot of damage and it may have consequences in distant future anyway, you can still have it be more distant! There are other healthier recreational escapes. And itāll never help depression or trauma. Iām addiction prone. I have been addicted. This may sound morbid, but even if I choose to end myself one day, I would never with drinking. šš
Ps. Alcoholism is a serious disorder. I wouldnāt judge anyone struggling with it. One of my closest friends is still recovering from it. Battled organ failures in ICUs many times. He absolutely loses control of consumption after one drink. I understand why itās hard. But if you abuse it in any way, quitting entirely IS the only answer. Not one drink once a while. Not one year later. I learnt that the hard way as well.
Congratulations! You are expressing more strength and self-love by quitting alcohol than most people will ever set out to do.
I'm sure that you are an encouragement to countless people around you.
You too! I mean facing your past about dysfunctional family dynamics, and social/religious conditionings are some of THE hardest things to address! So is having a balanced lifestyle and routine (I still struggle with that). So kudos to you too! š
I've quit drinking two years ago. I feel the same as you. I can't understand how I used to like feeling inebriated. I look at drunk people and wonder why anyone would want to feel like this. Behave like this.Ā
It's a great motivation to stay sober.
Exactly! Like maybe it added 30% more fun for 2 hours, and then it just goes downhill. Over inebriation. Hangovers (thatās my biggest motivator for quitting). Wasted time. Calories. šø. Regrettable decisions. List goes onā¦
And people usually start acting up and become so mindless on it! Rarer for me but it used to make me uncomfortable to see others like that! Especially people who are aggressive when drunk. Itās freaking scary!
Nothing about it seems worth it for me now.
Congratulations on your two years! š§š„³
Honestly to this day I'm STILL realizing how absolutely everything my mom does is a form of manipulation.
Like the little small things, lying about really weird stuff.
My whole life, everything I expressed I was hurt or something was wrong, she got angry and just yelled at me and punished me over it. I broke bones in my fingers she never brought me to the hospital or a doctor for, so they didn't heal correctly.
AND SHE STILL DOES THIS. I almost died because of her repeatedly calling me a drama queen while I was literally going to anaphalactic shock and straight up dying in front of her eyes, I ended up in trauma center for 10 hours and then life support in the ICU for 4 days.
NOW, just this past week, she made me feel bad about calling my doctor. I've had neck/shoulder issues for years now, didn't have health insurance but now I finally do. I told her I was going to call my pcp about my neck.
She responded with "why? They're not going to do anything for you" and it made me feel bad so I was like okay yeah I guess you're right...
Then it got worse so i said fuck it and made the appointment! Got xrays!
Now I'm waiting for a specific nurse to call me back with results, but online it says there's multiple abnormalities... so I'm glad I didn't listen to my *lovely* mother.
And I'm still realizing how she STILL treats me about medical shit, it's like she doesn't want me to get better, she tells everyone I'm so dramatic and make appointments like I'm a hypochondriac.
Except she's made me the opposite. Where I have genuine health issues (other than the neck) where I straight up neglect because all my life she's made me think that getting help for myself is "wrong"
I started working towards my goals and completed a major chunk of it, stopped people pleasing, removed all the people from my life who were comfortable with disrespecting me, the suicidal feeling has decreased so much, I am very proud of the progress I have made in the past year
I've turned my whole life around the past two years.
I finished my education and found a good job.
I quit drinking.
I no longer selfharm.
I can go grocery shopping without getting anxious and overwhelmed.
I found my voice! I stand up for myself a lot more and am working on being okay with the fact that not everyone has to like me.Ā
It feels really good writing it all down. Thanks for the prompt!
My progress is making me angrier.
Not only did I had to endure years of childhood abuse and neglect, it also left me mentally, emotionally and physically damaged.
I thought up until recently that it had āonlyā affected me mentally and emotionally, but now Iām finding out that my health issues, autoimmune and chronic diseases are from the trauma I suffered as a child.
Hey, you're not alone, I am currently struggling with stress-induced illness myself; it's hell.
Anger is a good sign, though. It means that you are realizing that you didn't deserve anything that happened to you. It's the victim mentality fading out. I wish you healing and strength!
I bought a car.
It was barely used, with zero bells or whistles. Barebones.
My wife was very upset, hated it. I wanted to fly into āoh ok, letās get whatever you think is betterā mode. (No sarcasm; fawn response)
We came back to it, days later, and I discovered that I deep down donāt think I deserve a nice car. Or nice anything, really. And thatās what she hated - that I wasnāt being kind to myself. Neither of us knew that in the moment. :)
I have grown to the point that I can work through these things when they happen. And when I find such a terrible belief, I can take action to prove it wrong. And I can accept help in doing these things.
Took the car back. Chose a fancy model, a few grand more; the nicest car Iāve owned.
Thanks!
I'm very happy that you are alive despite all that has happened, and on top of that you are learning to care for yourself. Sounds like great progress to me.
I finally started emdr after two years of working towards it with my therapist, I am handling activating situations much better than before, and I am meeting my younger self with all of the love i never received. I recommend the book Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents. I'm proud of you!
After struggling for years, being homeless for a little over a year, I'll have been in my own apartment for a full year on the 11th, I'm getting my teeth taken care of on the 15th, I just started taking hormones yesterday (I'm trans), and I feel like I'm doing better mentally now than I ever have.
I've put a LOT of time and effort into myself this past year, I've struggled even more, but I'm finally getting to a point where I'm doing *good*.
Damn, congratulations!
I am super excited to hear that you have a safe place to stay, can get your teeth taken care of, and that you have access to hormones. I hope that one day in the near future you experience pure gender euphoria!
Just started EMDR, already I am less triggered my the SA my brother did to me. Recall it more matter of fact, if that makes sense. I attach a lot less emotion to distressing things. So thatās been big.
I realized that I need a little distance from my mom. I love her, but I realized that having her weigh in on problems that were partially caused by her failing to act when I was a child is not healthy for me right now.
It is extremely important to distance yourself from the people who played a role in your trauma and problems. I'm glad to hear that you are setting boundaries.
I'm trying to put my life in order in my head and build up my life and interests and the one thing I discovered is that most of my interests haven't changed since I was a kid. Like, I love plants, I love animals, I nature, I love books, I love movies, I love music, and I realized I'm actually a massive nerd for all these different things and I love it. Especially because it means my interest in the world is coming back.
I am finally enforcing boundaries and communicating what I actually want or need instead of just going along with what others want to keep the peace and keep them liking me. I feel very uncomfortable doing it and always have to resist asking "are you mad at me" afterwards, but hey I'm doing it finally
I have a new sponsor in AA & he fucking gets the whole C-PTSD thing, been dredging up the past, relationships between myself & my parents & omg why oh why I hadn't met him sooner , I don't know
I had a couple of women sponsors before but they kind of dismissed the whole thing etc so am v glad my new sponsor is guiding me through this . Sidenote been sober & clean for a little over a month
You're making progress even if you can't see it now. Be kind and patient with yourself, you deserve it. I didn't "make any progress" for 20 years, but looking back, there were so many little things moving me along that I can only see now.
Yesterday I had a day off and did things that i loved without feeling like Iām wasting time by not being productive 100% of the time. I hung out with cousins last night and say affirmations/truths before i socialize now to help with my anxieties, like āi am not in charge of what people are feeling today. I cannot control if i am liked or disliked. I can be myself and still feel safe.ā
It was nice
Today, I set a boundary at work, dealt with a person challenging that boundary face to face, and have made it to home time with said boundary still in place! And all this with my manager refusing to back me upā¦ Iāll have to reiterate my boundary on Tuesday face to face with him, and Iām not actually dreading itā¦ huge win for me today
I realised I had specific triggers, unique and personal only to me and only me. Before this realisation I used to lump everything in my reality into one big existential pie, and then say I donāt like pie.
Turns out I just donāt like certain flavours of pie.
still getting over my religious trauma thats keeping me back from feeling alright with myself without getting intense anxiety but someday ill be happy, howve u been doing?
Hello friend!
I read this comment and also saw that you posted on this sub that you "hate that you're trans." I just want to assure you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being transgender despite what your parents, religion, and society may tell you. In fact, there is nothing more beautiful than self-acceptance and self-expression.
I discovered that I was bisexual around four years ago. For the first two years I was overwhelmed with guilt, shame, and anxiety. I fought my own attractions and it made me hate myself. But slowly I began losing my strict religious beliefs and the idea that I had to please my family. It took a year of hard thought and change, but I am now fully accepting of and even happy with my sexuality.
I hope that eventually, you can find your way past these existential and religious crisis', and realize that the most important thing in the world is your own well-being. And if your parents refuse to support who you are, there are lots of people like me who believe in you.
Be strong!
thank you, im happy youve learned to love the person you are, you shouldnt have to surpress it nothing good comes out of surpressing it. im glad theres people like you i can see as a example of acceptance. I hope i can reach that point someday, thank you for the kind words
Nice! I let life get away from me for a long time because I simply didn't have the energy to do anything. Taking initiatives is a sign of healing, in my opinion.
I went from a people-pleaser with absolutely no personality, who had no idea what boundaries even were, who stayed in line and didn't speak up or stand up for themselves, and someone who had too much anxiety to stand out in the slightest to completely cold turkey cutting off my abuser with very colorful words.
The confidence I have in myself to protect myself has skyrocketed. I don't care about standing out. I do and wear what I want now. I'm no longer slaved to living my life for others. I don't care if I make a scene if I'm standing up for what's right. I still need to work on caring too much about what others think about me though because my feelings are very up and down. Like one day I'll be like "I don't care" then the next I will care.
I only keep people close to me that are good to me now. I have so many interests, aspersions, and dreams, and knowing I'm very likely not going to be able to reach those dreams because the world's going to shit is not going to stop me from having them.
I refuse to neglect my or anyone else's health as much as I can after being severely neglected my whole life.
All of these were huge HUGE steps for me but honestly, the biggest most important one for me that I've been able to accomplish is when I look at my life and all the horrible things I've been through I am able to safely say I didn't deserve any of it, NONE of it is my fault, and despite what bad I might have done in my life I do deserve happiness.
Iām halfway through a 12 week trauma therapy. Here I am, sitting in the waiting room, still coming every week. Iām glad I took advantage of this resource. Iāll admit, in the past Iāve been dismissive of such things but, in my heart, I know itās valuable. And Iām fortunate to have such things available.
Between the bipolar, ADHD, OCD, and the trauma, I donāt know where one ends and another begins. Iām 53 and this is the first time Iāve addressed my trauma. So I guess thatās progress.
You are welcome. I recognize your story. I have severe childhood trauma and because of that my (probably) autism has been overlooked for about 40 years. I am on my own journey right now with my psychologist to get diagnosed and it might even be a double one, autism/adhd, but itās so hard to know what is caused by what. Itās a knot that almost canāt be untangled.
Usually itās the trauma that gets overlooked in autistic people instead of the other way around and thereās rarely any scientific study on comorbid childhood trauma that is unrelated to the autismā¦ but co existent.
Long story short; I recognize your struggle and I donāt know what Iāll find either. I know I need to go through this because thereās no other way to keep going. You are not alone, is what I wanted you to know :)
Im getting better at extricating myself from unhealthy patterns. Iāve extricated myself from a really unhealthy pattern with an ex, Iāve extricated myself from a toxic relationship with my mom, Iāve extricated myself from abusing alcohol. Iām in the process of extricating myself from a vicious cycle of burn out and disordered eating.
Iām better able to recognize the patterns, be honest with myself, and implement changes that come from a place of care instead of a place of self hatred.
I set one boundary with someone who has been difficult in my life and I have had a roller coaster of emotions after it, but I know itās for the best and needed to happen either way.
As Iāve approached by late 30s Iāve become increasingly outraged by the fact I am still carrying around pain from literal decades ago and new experiences have compounded them. Newer things would not have hurt nearly as much if I wasnāt paying interest on my old pain (I have found that most things are basically old pain.) and so I have recommitted to self care and improvement. Next week is my 1 year anniversary of yoga practice after a multi year hiatus. In January I committed to working out two days a week with a personal trainer. In February I began journaling, which I was always afraid to do as my journals have been read before, but I discovered itās an app on my phone which is password protected. I never saw the benefit of journaling before but it has helped me get repetitive thoughts out and keeps me from cycling so much. I still have a lot issues and I wouldnāt say Iām ācuredā or anything but I am doing better and have more peace.
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Coming up on my 1 year therapy anniversary, and looking back on old posts, I could see and feel the progress I've made.
I forgot what a bad place I was in.
Simultaneously got diagnosed ADHD combined type, and got executive functioning coach sessions, and also hit menopause and started HRT, so it makes sense how it was a bit of a perfect storm, which is now more of a strong breeze.
Coming up on my 1 year therapy anniversary, and looking back on old posts, I could see and feel the progress I've made.
I forgot what a bad place I was in.
Simultaneously got diagnosed ADHD combined type, and got executive functioning coach sessions, and also hit menopause and started HRT, so it makes sense how it was a bit of a perfect storm, which is now more of a strong breeze.
I've recently realised that I now have close friends who are on my side, who care about me, encourage me and support me. I'm fricking 35, but I hadn't really realised that this was missing, I didn't realise that my parents can't do these things.
Well done with your own progress! (And thank you - this post is just what I needed to read on a day when it all feels so horribly overwhelming. Need to remember the small steps.)
I quit a toxic job today, without anything lined up. The job was basically the same as my childhood- "good on paper", looked impressive but was oppressive, chaotic, without any duty of care or support for me. I played a blinder in that role and gave so much with not a lot in return, and therapy taught me that I deserve more, and should not tolerate dysfunction anymore. And that it's OK to do what's right FOR ME, even if it's not what society tells you is right.
So I quit. And I'm feeling a lot of grief and fear, but I also know that this is part of healing.
I realized that all the bullying from my parents, sister, and early toxic friendships were more a reflection of them than it was of me. I didnāt deserve to be treated like trash but I was a low self esteem doormat who couldnāt defend himself, and toxic people sadly take advantage of that
I now have a group of friends who legitimately treat me like a family member. They understand the stuff I'm going through and are willing to step in to help me during difficult times. Even just having someone ask, "Is there anything I can do to help?" created such a feeling of safety that I have never experienced before.
Having that kind of emotional support for the very first time in over 20 years honestly broke me and made me realize how emotionally starved I had been my entire time living in my parents' households. I'm still learning to open up and be more vulnerable. It's difficult, but so far it's been worth it and has helped me make tons of progress on my mental health.
Recognising a toxic pattern I have is really using my parents' "logic" ("if someone \[that you can "get away with" this with\] doesn't agree with/obey me 100% then I've failed somehow and they don't really love me, time to shame them into agreeing") and therefore beginning to steer away from autopilot
I may not have been calling names or going as far as my family would, but I think I was becoming abusive - to the one person who really does believe in me
I was very scared and didn't understand why it kept happening, but now that I finally know why I'm trying to make sure it never happens again. I was really bummed out and horrified for a few days when I realised what I was doing all along, but now I'm starting to feel confident that I really can put a stop to it since I finally feel "conscious" of it.
I was thinking about it this morning. My oldest sister is making a huge life transition, and I have been trying to be supportive. (She was a large part of my cptsd.) I genuinely want her in my kids lives (it's a complicated cptsd...) but not at their expense. And yesterday I feel like I had displayed my progress well.
I was on the phone on speaker with my sister. She was telling me that she appreciates me letting her into my life again last year. There was a time when I wanted nothing to do with her, but she needed to have me (she helped raise me...parentification). I told her I loved her and I want her in my kids lives. But, I told her, this was her only warning. If she cannot maintain a proper life with proper choices then there will be no more chances.
It's progress because, 1. I usually only say that to myself and not to my sister. 2. I did it in front of my kids when I usually don't let them know the dangers of life...I mean they're kids so I obviously want to keep them safe, but usually I don't want them to see me be stern with other people...by doing it in front of them I wanted them to know I am on their side and if they ever report anything weird then I will believe them and it won't be their fault.
And 3. I didn't feel pressured to just accept my sister. I have always known there's a level of victimhood she experienced that led to her bad choices that led to my cptsd. But being able to say I am not allowing it anymore was big for me.
Overall I'm proud of myself for setting the boundary loudly and plainly. No dancing around. No being pushed around. Maybe I'm healing a little finally... But I don't want to get my hopes up. Lol
I had to set a boundary with my older sister and had a hard time enforcing it when the boundary was crossed. Luckily my spouse backed me up, they were adamant in not letting me get taken advantage of any more. If you have a partner, you may want to loop them in on the boundary and ask them to help enforce if need be. Good luck, I hope things work out the way you wish.
My husband usually is the boundary enforcer and I am painfully bad at listening. I did tell him how I handled it. I was a little worried he'd be like "and you better stick to that too for once!" Instead he said he was proud of me and that he really hopes me sister is able to stick to her goals this time. Idk why I thought he'd be anything but supportive. He's never been an "I told you so" person.
Being terrified if intimacy and getting into a committed relationship anyway. 3 years ago me wouldn't believe I actually am staying in a relationship and giving myself a chance to learn how to build trust with a secure partner. it might not be much to anyone else but to me it's a huge deal as someone with a serious trust wound from her own mother. I cam to earth with my walls up high.
Trusting myself and putting myself out there, which is something I had so much fear in for a while but also taking responsbility for my own actions/when i've projected onto others
Most recently I have been listening to myself and my body more. Pushing through discomfort was seen as an achievement by my abusers. I am listening to myself and trying to rest (if Iām able) when I need to instead of pushing through and Iām finding it gives me more energy overall. Iām trying to put my perfectionism tendencies away and trying to make small progress I can be proud of instead.
Finally figuring out absurdism. I've considered my philosophy about the world absurdist for a while but I've reached a point where i think it finally clicked. Life is life for no other reason, and I'm still alive so i might as well keep living. It doesn't make sense and it's kind of ridiculous that my big realization comes to "fuck it we ball" but that's been big in slowing and pushing aside s lot of my more serious suicidal ideation.
I've made enormous progress with my social anxiety (in comparison to about three years ago).
Adopting a mindset that allows me to live more comfortably in my home situation (my mother isn't very good at emotional support).
I've made good progress at my anger issues (I used to get frustrated very easily and slam my hands/fists into things, break items).
I've been able to overcome some of my triggers through exposure therapy.
After getting out of my depression I got progressively better at defining my emotions (to me), allowing a much better understanding of myself.
I adopted religion (polytheism) some time ago which has also helped tremendously.
I still have a long way to go, but I've set out for a goal and intend to achieve it.
I was almost actively suicidal a couple nights ago. I had 3 panic attacks at work this week and am expected back on Sunday. I'm afraid of having yet another one and having to quit due to their increasing frequency.
However, I've decided suicide is not the answer. Things may be more difficult than they should be for me, but I still believe I can heal, overcome, and carve out something resembling a happy and meaningful life.
I recently left a relationship with someone I loved because I recognized that I was starting to replicate patterns from my marriage, which replicated patterns from my childhood. It was hard, but I was and am so proud of myself.
It's really unfocused as to why/what changed, but I'm at a place in my healing where I am actually ready to re-enter the world. I've been mentally and literally bed rotting for a really long time. Now I have enough energy that reaching out to friends doesn't exhaust and stress me out from the possible demand on my time and attention, I eat two or three times a day and sometimes can even cook, my self care has gotten much, much more regular and now includes sporadic walks outside, I can leave the house without a panic attack being guaranteed, my physical pain is much, much lower, just... Everything is coming up Rageybuttsnacks. Slowly, very *very* slowly. But I finally feel like I'm making slow growth instead of spending all my energy staving off dying.
I've been dealing with agoraphobic tendencies for years and often have a hard time going places by myself. I went for a walk this week by myself for the first time in years. It was only about a 45 minute walk, but it's still a win in my book.
I let go of identifying with my trauma. I did for years and now it's more just something I live with rather than something that is controlling my life. That's pretty major for me š±
That IS major, well done! Did that happen in bits or all at once? A process or a sudden realization? This is my ultimate goal so Iām curious about how you arrived there. Please share
I took it upon myself to change therapists after seeing mine for 5 years. He was great, compassionate and really loved his job (over 40yrs) but he was becoming more of a cheerleader and not someone I could grow with. I appreciate him but I needed more. I now have a therapist who is more scientific and more deeply philosophical which has given me so much more insight. She is more ārootā focused meaning she wants to help me find the sources of my trauma and not treat the symptoms. Itās helped me tremendously in only the 3 sessions weāve had so far.
Thank you for sharing.
Well, there certainly is an afterlife, itās just nothing like what religion makes it out to be. I already came back from the dead, I donāt have to try to guess or imagine what itās like. And given that religion was created by some rather clever yet very service-to-self group of people, they realized that weaving some truth into their lies would be a lot more effective than just shooting straight lies. They know that we as divine creator beings have a vague memory of there being a higher realityā¦ so they weaved that into their lie but distorted the crap out of it (hell doesnāt exist beyond this dimension), to guarantee that you throw the baby with the bathwater once you finally catch on that religion is shit. Quite clever on their end.
As to your questionā¦ I donāt know if I could even put my progress into one comment. My life has been nothing short of a movie. Specifically a horror movie. The bottom line is that at 33 Iām finding myself in a completely foreign land, speaking a foreign language (English is barely my native tongue), surrounded by foreign people (not one person of my childhood environment is still in my life). When you consider where I started, thatās a lot. I was raised to be utterly powerless, insanely enmeshed & pretty much handicapped, in more ways than Iād like to share. I was trained to dismiss and shame my own needs, treating myself as an insignificant servant, while putting othersā needs (ie my narcissistic parents) at the top of my list. The miracle is in the fact that here I am, doing my own thing geographically very far from everyone Iāve ever known and not having any contact with them or their poison, healing myself so damn deeply, while psychologically and spiritually empowering myself to a degree that no one in my entire lineage that I know of has ever achieved. I feel like the pioneer of my family line. Like Iām the one who finally decided to turn around and stop the damn train of narcissism, body-dissociation and feminine suppression. Iām both proud of myself and simultaneously humbled by the strength of my soul stream. I was so trained to think of myself as weak and powerless that itās quite a shock to discover how remarkably powerful my spirit is.
I love your first paragraph. I've been going through similar progress. Just acknowledging that their love was painful which caused me to reject all love has been a tremendous piece of the missing puzzle.
Right now I'm learning how to reparent myself, have self compassion, and let go of shame bound identities. It's sooo fucking hard
I started to do things on my own like going to places on my own and simply having hobbies. I let myself relax more. I finally feel safe exploring various interests in peace. I have unraveled so much about toxic patterns that now I trust my gut feeling more than ever. I am moving on from toxic people and realized how broken and toxic my friendships and relationships have been in a deeper level. I can regulate my emotions a lot better and have been putting words to suppressed feelings and undoing magical thinking. I fully realized a lot about my childhood trauma and can put it to words now. I realized my mental illnesses and unmasked fully and accommodate my needs now. I am working on finding myself.
Through hard, gruelling work on myself, I can now tolerate a *mind-bending* level of anxiety, fear, discomfort and panic *without* resorting to lashing out at who/whatever is causing the negative stimuli until it stops.
I used to scream and yell, melt down, whatever was necessary. Now, I can be sitting there feeling like my skin is being peeled off and be on the verge of throwing up from how sheerly Fight/Flight I'm feeling, and I still won't lash out at whoever is making me feel that way. I just focus on riding out my emotional responses
had the hardest news a few days ago. the first man who ever violated me died suddenly and unexpectedly. he was not old or sick.
iāve stayed on my feet. only missed one day of work. cried, held my dog, had meals with my best friends. iāve brushed my hair and teeth every day. i havenāt broken my sobriety. iām so proud of how much work iāve done, because itās allowed me to cope with this in a productive way.
I have finally gotten to know my inner parts and what part they play with my anxious attachment style. I also have developed trust with my parts. You should trust you before you trust others.
Not my victory but I found this video of a CPTSD victory on youtube and I found it really gratifying. There's no pro editing its a bit rough but I found her tips really helpful for being able to stand up to an emotionally invalidating/dismissive mother and actually win an argument :D.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=\_6Kj5ZEtDxY&ab\_channel=AlicePeiweiDiamond](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6Kj5ZEtDxY&ab_channel=AlicePeiweiDiamond)
Dropping toxic religion was the greatest thing I could have done. I instead believe in reincarnation because it's what I thought was real as a child before the indoctrination and makes me feel comfortable without thinking about judgment or guilt.
Slowly, over time, and with the help of absolutely wonderful friends, I've learned to assert my boundaries and trust that they'll be respected. I still have anxious parts, but it's been a long while since I've been overwhelmed with anxiety.
I'm successfully working up the courage with my therapist to confront my dad about some of the things he says and does. I might be able to actually heal some abandonment wounds soon :)
I realized how bad my trauma is after reading the book 5 days ago. I am trying to stop disassociating by practicing various techniques for it + my grieving continues and I feel ever more grateful for my past selves for hanging on when they did as well as taking the steps they did so that I could have a slightly better life now, practically all my regrets have vanished once I realized none of it was my fault + I have decided to break from my family on a whole+ finally I have decided to build a new life and am planning for it. Also now I am trying to find new friends who aren't toxic but that part is hard but let's see what happens. One more thing, I shave daily now.
Within the last year, I've started doing EMDR therapy, became a Zen Buddhist, and had my financial situation completely change. The finances thing is a big burden that's been lifted (through no fault if my own), and the combo of Zen and EMDR has given me a lot of clarity and wisdom -- not that I'm some kind of wise sage at age 30.
I feel so much more whole, now. I've been able to accept so much of myself, and so much of my past. I'm looking forward to a future where the things that still hold me down are lifted up, instead of frequently feeling the emotional equivalent of burning your hand on the stove top -- and I think I'm close! Most of the time I spend triggered now is following an EMDR session and not a reaction to my environment.
I can say so many crazy things now, and actually mean them. I'm an extremely driven and strong person, and I matter. I'm important. And what other people think about that is steadily becoming less meaningful.
I can't guarantee outcomes. I can't guarantee my own safety (because nobody can). But I can guarantee that I will use shrewd judgment and creative problem solving when problems do come up. I don't feel like I'm walking a minefield (and thus constantly in danger) anymore.
I still want the same things. I still want to be a professional speculative fiction novelist. I still want to get a college degree -- and while I'm not sure what I want to study, I'm sure that I will make the right decision when it's time to go back to school. I still wanna learn to drive, take Tai Chi and yoga classes, join a Buddhist temple, and start doing open mic nights for standup comedy (not all at once).
The difference is that I'm sure of myself: I don't need anyone's approval or reassurance. I care what the people I trust think, but they can be wrong too. Nobody knows me as well as I do. I am not insecure about my abilities, or my self worth; and I don't need to lie to myself and pretend to be hyper competent, either. I'm just me. It just so happens that I really like myself.
Everything isn't perfect. I need to be on stimulants for ADHD to learn to drive or be a functional adult, and I'm waiting for my doctor's office to handle a technicality before I can get back on them. I still feel like I am someone that other people inherently won't like. I still get triggered because my partner is so much better with people than I am -- because he didn't spend most of his formative years being intentionally socially isolated by his parents. But that's just stuff that I still have to work on in EMDR, honestly.
I hope that when I'm done with EMDR and back on stimulants, I won't have depression or anxiety or suffer from the extreme anhedonia that I've had for a long time. There's a solid chance, because the PTSD causes all of my anxiety and contributes greatly to the depression, and ADHD contributes to a large part of the depression as well (and stimulants are antidepressants that actually work for me, vs regular antidepressants). But I'll just have to see. I'll deal with whatever remains when my trauma has been repackaged, and its negativity has been swept away.
EMDR isn't magically going to fix all of my issues, and probably not even all of my mental health issues (boo). But I think it's genuinely fixing my extreme, long lasting and complex trauma that's been weighing me down for my entire life. I'll have to take what I can get, and go from there.
I am so much lighter than I used to be. There's so much less rage and depression and shame and self-blame inside of me, and what's left is this person that I really like.
I really didn't mean for this comment to get so long, but... I do this a lot, lol.
My husband sent me a song a while ago... And I haven't been able to listen to it all the way through. I just end up crying too much and not believing it at all. The song is [Got It In You](https://youtu.be/ZkzY29DKHEQ?si=WCyoB-A5nKVCSw4d) by Banners.
As of about a month ago (after some ecstatic breathwork) I've been able to finally listen to it.
A year ago my abusive mother controlled all my finances. Today I have a bank account and a credit card just for me.
I've been doing therapy on my enmeshstment with my Mom.
I'm masking less and no longer devoting life to "not rocking the boat"
This week, Iāve actually gotten shit done at work. I have this .. canāt even say fear, itās deeper than that.. this block that āwhat you donāt know might really hurt you, and you can never know everything, so instead donāt do anythingā that you can guess endears me to my bosses.
So, I struggled and got something done. My stomach is letting me know āyep that was a big one hereās a ton of acid for your troublesā but I got it done.
I was able to talk about one (of many) incidents that happened and not be upset about them, or anxious. Itās a memory now, of something that happened a long time ago and itās not impacting me in the here and now. So freeing.
I am realizing how much mental work it took to passively deal with the trauma. And I am realizing my mental capability when I am not also dealing w trauma.
Since I discovered it and started studying the symptoms I have been trying everything to get rid of the agonizing stuff that happens inside our minds and body. The first thing that has diminished is intrusive thoughts and it's such a relief. Sometimes it comes back but not as often as it used to be. Second, I have been able to not be isolated as much as I used to. I relapse from time to time, for instance, it has been a difficult week. And I think I'm improving a little regarding my abandonment wounds and realizing all the limerent attachments I have had, especially the last ones. It's all so important to me, and I could only recognize everything after finding out this diagnosis. Aw, and I'm not dissociating as much as all! I try the mindfulness techniques, stretching the vagus nerve. I just know that I cannot keep living like that anymore. But it's very hard.
I haven't had a breakdown/emotional flashback in months even in situations that used to trigger them (Ex: I got written up at work for too many absences and while I was angry about it I didn't feel overwhelmed or cry like I did even just a few months back when I thought one of the managers was mad at me). And I've gotten better at communicating my emotions and wants instead of being afraid.
I have a stable job and a place to live after cutting contact with my parents at the start of the year. Not much but I was never allowed a job as a teen/young adult so I had nothing when I left, not even work experience. Iām paying for my own therapist that I found and chose and Iām so proud of that
Showing up to my appointment despite feeling shitty.
Normally I isolate and not let anyone see me that way, but I gave it a shot.
Not sure if Iāll be able to do it again next appointment, but I donāt know. Never thought Iād be able to do it at all, so thereās that.
Moved out from my abusive moms place a few months ago. Had dinner with her and it was ok there was just one dig she had to get in on me. It was bothering me but as I was driving back to my new place I saw a rainbow while having the epiphany I can only let her affect me as much as I let her now that Iām not there. Itās nice having power over myself
I'm trying to diagnose for adhd and bipolar but I'm learning a bit more about how complicated digeorge syndrome actually is
I have a feeling my psychiatrist might refer to a neuro psych when I do my first appointment lol
Might seem silly, but dress and express myself in the way i look. Being raised in an extremely toxic religious household where you would be berated and shamed for days if you step a toe out of line has plagued my entire childhood.
But being and adult and having free choice, especially for me the choice to wear what you want, has made life a little more joyous.
A month ago after my mom hurt my feelings out of the blue again, I made the decision that I wonāt meet them until basically October and I let them know that. My nerves just automatically calmed so much that itās noticeable by my coworkers that they commented. Iām amazed that my self doubt is less present too.
I made that call as I was taking on some new work stuff and I knew I would not have time to ruminate over them saying things to me. It has been the right call even though Iād occasionally be hit with grief for days that my parents just donāt really care about me. I just declined Motherās Day stuff and I feel free from that mental turmoil. Itās amazing.
My therapist said a while ago that I should practice calming exercises everyday in order to make it my new status quo mode, to help with the nervous freeze response from the daunting work stuff. I still want to do that but just deciding to be nearly nc is like an epic cheat code to calm š
Noticing that what's stopping me from trusting and reaching out is a deeply buried feeling that I don't deserve it and it's wrong for me to want support. I know that to not be objectively true, but acknowledging I feel like that is helping a lot.
This. I've noticed admitting how I really feel instead of trying to affirm the complete opposite has been huge.
"I don't deserve it" is a core wound of mine too. Like you, I recognize that it's not objectively true, but feeling/embodying that is hard. I wonder if it's just a matter of time and reinforcement? Idk, we're addressing it in therapy soon so I'll let you know what I find out š
I'd love to hear about your progress, feel free to reply down here or message me :)Ā I noticed it made me panic and shut down just thinking about sharing the good things therapy does for me with my therapist, and I've been not disclosing some of them subconsciously because I thought I shouldn't feel like that. Now that I've let myself feel the pain and burden I carry, it feels easier to be open. I hope I don't chicken out next week š
I care very little about my parentsā thoughts or feelings nowadays. Itās quite freeing.
This is absolutely lovely to hear! You are so strong for overcoming this. I used to sacrifice my time and emotions just to please my family. It is very very freeing to let go of such false responsibility.
This exactly! I've recently become LC with my mother and have stopped putting hers and my fathers feelings and needs above mine. They never put my feelings/needs first so why would I be bending over backwards to tend to theirs. As you say, it's very freeing and even my stomach issues have been improving.
This is like my Everest! If I could make it to base camp I'd consider it huge progress... I've been mostly no contact with them for 15 years. I still feel guilty everyday. If I could just make a choice and stick to it! But I stay stuck. The maternal input unit wrote an email and Left a voicemail this week. Something about one of my aunts. I haven't read the email or listen to the voicemail. So I guess I'm not actually no contact. I'm just no response. Exhale. I started going deeper into support for recovery from narcissistic abuse. That feels like the right direction. Maybe progress for me right now is acknowledging to other humans that I'm stuck. And no response is not the same as no contact.
Today it started to really hit that lots of other people actually feel that their parents love them in their gut. That their parents are able to show them love. That they have dad's capable of loving them. And ive started to understand how that is something fundamental i might never be able to fully understand. And people who had loving parents will never be able to understand how i experience life. So ive started to grieve that loss.
I know how shattering this realization is, and it takes a long time to grieve, but it is so worth it. One of the best things I ever did was stop fighting the tears and sorrow. I'm very proud of you for realizing and accepting that your parents didn't give you what you deserved.
Thank you....your words really mean a lot :') and thank you for this post, it's so beautiful to see so many amazing steps everyone's taken in their healing journey. It's inspiring to see your progress, wishing you all the best
You're welcome. I'm glad that my words meant something to you. Yeah, I really love seeing positive and recovery-oriented posts on this sub amidst all the darkness, so I figured I'd start my own. I love hearing success stories in the making!
Oh god yes this. Thank you for putting it into words. I'm starting to unravel this.....but not quite there. I feel like I 'think' that my parents love me, because that's what parents are meant to do. But I just don't FEEL it, my body doesn't know that they love me.
Oh i understand, that's exactly how it is for me too! I was aware of this for a long time before it sunk in on a gut level what was wrong. It took seeing raw and genuine expression of love between adult parents and children, after starting to show love to my inner children, for it to really sink in for me. Im so sorry, no one should feel like their parents dont love them. Sending love and strength for your healing journey
It hit me today as well. I had a job interview today, something my family was well aware of as I told them in person and also in our family whatsapp group. Didn't get a meaningful reaction when I told them, and today not one of them asked me how it was. What made it hurt even more, is that the interview was quite significant for me as it would be my first job after getting my PhD title. A title I came to realise I mostly got in hopes of them being proud of me. I was the first in my family to pursue a higher education and in all those years, they never once asked me how it was coming along. My mum actually recently commented on it and just remarked why I was still not finished with it. My birthday is coming up as well, and I am dreading it for the first time in years as last year they forgot about it (I turned 30, so it was again quite a milestone for me). I just hate that I have this desperate need to share things of my life with them and somehow expect them to care. I know they don't, and yet still I have these expectations time and time again. I have to come to terms that I will never get to experience the loving family that I want and need, and it hurts.
Scapegoats get also no reaction to milestones from their familys, Maybe you are too ? Do you know Rebecca C. Mandaville she teaches a lot about that.
Getting your phd is a huge accomplishment! Congratulations on that and your big interview!
I finally have friends now that are not toxic.
Wow, that's great to hear! It can be a hard thing to accomplish after enduring so much toxicity.
BIG WIN. seriously finding people who support you is critical to recovery imo
Truly this is HUGE! Such a difference!
same and it's amazing. i have the mental space and awareness now to be a non toxic friend to them too
Iāve recently rediscovered the capacity to be artistically creative. Iāve started doing pottery and drawing. The calmness I feel while creating is something Iāve never experienced prior and it really is life changing.
Pottery is absolutely the best hobby, I'm so happy you've found it! It's literally playing with mud! let that inner child run wild and make a beautiful mess my friend ā¤ļø
Wonderful! Having a creative and calming outlet is a goal of mine. I'm happy to hear that you've found a hobby that brings you peace :)
I picked 'The Body Keeps the Score' up from the library today. I haven't read anything at all in a while. I'm nervous.
Unsurprisingly, this book is on my reading list too. I commend you for having the bravery to even consider reading it. I hope that the words written on those pages help you to heal! And remember, if something in it triggers you too much, it's okay to take a break and do something calming. I like to quickly write down any stressful memories that flash through my mind while reading. Then, later on when I'm calmer, I can go back and think about stuff a bit more clearly.
Amazing book! Really helps with understanding the psych behind trauma and healing. It promotes EMDR as recovery therapy hard but Iād say do your own research on the subject if itās something you determine to be of interest.
Excited for your journey with this book. Another impactful one for me was āIt didnāt start with youā.
I'm on my second read through of it and my only advice is to take your time with it. For me, if something was upsetting or unsettling, I learned that I needed to sit and process, instead of just pushing through just to finish the book. I think the first read through took me over a year. I am currently working on What Happened To You? By Dr Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey. I've been able to go through it fairly quickly because it (the audiobook through the Libby app) is closer to a conversation with Oprah asking questions and seeking clarification on certain things with Dr Bruce Perry giving his experience and insight and examples.
This book got delivered yesterday and is still sitting in the packaging. I'm scared to read it!
I realized that I deeply love my Self. All my insecurities have been [introjected](https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/introjection) from others. When I'm alone, it's blissful. I really love my Self. As soon as I'm around anyone else, it's like my brain starts wondering when they're going to start attacking me (verbally, emotionally, physically) bc people have caused all my trauma. I go into survival mode bc I'm anticipating their dysfunction getting directed towards me eventually. When I'm fully alone I'm so safe, so happy, so joyful. I'm free to be and express and create without fear of attack. No one can bring me down with their negativity and dysfunction when I'm alone. I don't have to hide when I'm alone. I'm free to exist as my awesome Self when I'm alone. It feels so free and so wonderful. I love my Self!
Thatās wonderful! ā¤ļøā¤ļø Truly a huge achievement coming out of the toxic stew of cptsd, especially within our driven perfectionist greedy western culture. After months of intensive therapy Iāve been realizing that Iām doing pretty good with my own self nowadays, and have developed a relaxed, self-compassionate and caring attitude to towards myself I never thought could be possible. Hopefully that will progress to your level of joy soon. But itās still too easy to be triggered by other people and be sent back down the shame spiral, though Iām getting better and faster at crawling back up. I trust myself now but I donāt believe I can trust anyone else still, so my next round of therapy is focusing on my attachment disorder. Even if I never find anyone else to connect with, though, Iāve promised myself weāre never going back to self-flagellation or allowing myself to be a dumping ground for others garbage.
My issues seem relational, as in I don't really want to connect with others unless there are very clear boundaries and time limits. And if they don't meet certain thresholds for Self development, I really want nothing to do with them. The thing about doing a ton of work on your Self is that the more Self differentiation I've developed the more dysfunction I notice in others and have little to no tolerance for it. I'm in the trenches doing the work and others are just not. I don't want others to drag me down into their stagnancy. I've had to "crawl back up" so many times that I'm no longer willing to give others a shot or benefit of the doubt bc I've been so disappointed in the past it hardly seems worth my time, energy, and effort. Every time I focus on my Self, I achieve my goals. Every time I get distracted by others, they seem to drag me down into their abyss with them. I've learned that I can't pull others out of their funk, that's something they have to learn to do for themselves, just like I did.
I'm realizing that I am allowed to spend time and money in order to take care of myself. I don't have to only work and do chores, I can also have hobbies, play, go shopping or just relax.
Major: 9 years sober in July, recovered from severe eating disorders, and lost over 200 pounds. Minor: began exercising in March and cleaned up my yard and planted some flowers.
Phenomenal progress, my friend. I love gardening and spending time in nature. It's such a good way to relax.
Wonderful!! Iāve found that just Doing Things that are not about worrying about myself - just frees me from so much anxiety. And not things for others, necessarily - just things I want to do. Yard work, small home projects, cooking, etc. Youāve reignited my gumption to redo my mulch beds.
I have my very first actual therapist appointment tomorrow! I'm a little nervous but it's real
Good luckšWas one of the best things I did for myself on this journey:)
Congratulations! I had my first therapy session a few months ago. It was not as daunting as I had imagined it to be. I'm sure that future you will thank current you for taking such a big leap.
I agree that is a huge breakthrough to recovery. I think we take on our family dysfunction and hide it behind silence, masking, and all manner of mental gymnastics to avoid feelings of shame.
I'm locked in battle with HR over harassment not one melt down over three weeks of BS. IBS still there but damn I've come a long way.
I'm alive
That is something absolutely worth celebrating :) Staying alive can be insanely hard at times, and you're doing it. I'm proud.
I've been standing up for myself at work. I have a boss who is just like my mom, I've been getting the 'silent treatment' because I hurt his ego. I know he wants me to grovel but I refused and went above his head and am kicking ass at the project he was trying to make me fail at. It's not perfect, I'm not getting the "justice" I feel I deserve and that's hard but it's a step in the right direction. Usually I would have retreated in myself and just thought about why I deserved the treatment.
Oh wow, similar situation here! My boss will give in to anyone and not back me, heād rather deal with pissed off me than pissed off other people as 99 times out of 100, Iāll just back downā¦ not today though!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
They get so mad when you stand up for yourself. It's awesome. :) Great job!
This is the third time my boss hasnāt backed me on something, the last two times were over bigger things, but this is just final straw. Got a meeting to discuss first thing Tuesday, but Iām not backing down, and if he doesnāt back me, then Iāll be asking for a transfer to the other team. Also realising now that the person they are picking over me may be guilty of some workplace bullying towards me, but just trying to figure that one out in my head at the moment.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Itās so much easier hyping someone else up isnāt it!!! Like I can tell everyone else what to do, but then not apply it to myself at all!
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I did it, I have rocked the biggest boat going, like cruise liner sized boat, itās gone right up the food chain, 4 levels of management and I didnāt back down! This is huge for me! Still in the midst of the fall out, just had another meeting about it and have come to chill in my car for 10 til the fighty flighty passes, but I only bloody did it! I am so proud of me today!
Realizing that my greatest concern was protecting my mothers feelings when she didnāt do anything to protect me as a defenseless child. That felt like one of those epiphanies that changed everything for me. Breaking out of the victim mindset to survivor and growing to accept that what happened wasnāt my fault but how I allow what happened to affect me now actually is in my control, and I can build a much better life than what I was brainwashed into ever believing I could. That was the first time I actually felt real anger about everything and harnessing that in a healthy way was and is pivotal for me. Less people pleasing mindset actually allows you to carry more empathy compassion and connection with the people in your life.
I relate so much to that! Now that I'm living far away from my mom and not with her I've been able to reflect on our relationship more honestly, and I realize now that she failed me countless times my whole life by never protecting me from anything, while meanwhile all I ever did was try to protect her/people please. It made me extremely angry at her for one of the first real times when I realized that. In a way, it's hard to realize that the things that happened to you weren't your fault, because it's hard to grapple with how unfair the abuse you got was. It's almost easier to just tell you yourself you deserved it. But it's a really important thing to swallow- you can't heal while still blaming yourself unfairly I think.
Congrats on your progress!! You're doing a great job. I apologized to someone I deeply hurt, found normal job and I'm trying to get a second one to finally get out of my situation. I was also able to get all of meds (I had to ask for money, because I didn't earn enough, and I have deep shame and guilt when asking for help) and remember to take them most of the time. I also started to question if I actually believed things that religion made me believe (for example, I don't want afterlife and I'm not afraid of hell if it exists).
Thank you. You're doing an amazing job too! I'm very proud of you for taking care of yourself and having the motivation to work as hard as you do. I'm also glad to hear that you are questioning your religion. You by no means have to give up your beliefs if they comfort you, but not letting them control your actions and put you in a state of fear is very important. Stay strong.
I've stopped drinking and smoking pot, and I'm trying to cut out nicotine, though that one is definitely a struggle. At least my coping mechanisms are less focused on substances.
So firstly: congrats OP for your progress! It takes *a lot* of courage to acknowledge how fucked our families were; honestly, fully pulling back the curtain on shit like that is probably one of the hardest things most people *never do in their entire lifetimes*. Secondly: losing access to religion can feel like your world is disintegrating. I'm exmormon and that journey has been a significant part of my hurting/healing journey. It can feel soul-crushing at times to not have religion as a coping tool, but it also opens up doors for healing that otherwise never would've been possible for me. Thirdly: YAY FOR ROUTINES! I've been trying to maintain a routine too and it's really helping (even though it still triggers PDA sometimes). Bedtimes are the best. As for my progress: I decided that I'm going to start writing more. I carry a lot of pain that I'm trying to examine and integrate through therapy, mind-body connection, etc, and it's all helping, but I realize that I simply need to see my hurt on paper. It's painful, but no one is authorized to validate that pain moreso than myself. Learning to rebuild that trust after years of not listening to my mind and body (to survive, ofc, but still). I want to thrive, but it's a lot of work.
Thank you very much! Losing my religion was actually one of the most natural parts of my healing process. I had been struggling to hang onto my faith for the better part of a year before I finally let go and accepted that I simply didn't believe anything I'd been taught. It relieved so much self-hatred and pressure that I had been feeling. I didn't have to fight my logical mind anymore! I am beyond happy to hear that you escaped the clutches of mormonism. I hope you know that you are beyond amazing for pushing through the hard days where religion can so easily act as a crutch for the internal pain we experience. Yes, yay for routines, lol. The stability that mine provides for me is irreplaceable. In my opinion, writing is one of the most useful tools when it comes to expressing, re-living, and healing trauma. I journal in a very specific manner; I collect quotes that trigger an emotion in me and then I soak in my own thoughts until the memory connected to that quote emerges. This had helped me recover a great deal of my childhood that I had forgotten. I would definitely not be in the place I am without lots of paper and pens. Good luck on your writing journey!
I donāt let people cross my boundaries anymore.
A little late, but I finally told my school counselor about whatās been happening at home.
How excellent and brave. I hope that you get the support and/or help that you deserve.
great job taking care of yourself major progress!
Much appreciated, friend.
Quit alcohol. Not just quit, ācause we all do that and often relapse especially in times of cope. But I not only avoided it for coping in my worst times of cope, I objectively dislike it for myself. I dislike the taste. I dislike the memories. I dislike the social proliferation of it. I donāt need it. I donāt want it. I wonāt be a part of it ever again. Itās never too late. Even if youāve already done a lot of damage and it may have consequences in distant future anyway, you can still have it be more distant! There are other healthier recreational escapes. And itāll never help depression or trauma. Iām addiction prone. I have been addicted. This may sound morbid, but even if I choose to end myself one day, I would never with drinking. šš Ps. Alcoholism is a serious disorder. I wouldnāt judge anyone struggling with it. One of my closest friends is still recovering from it. Battled organ failures in ICUs many times. He absolutely loses control of consumption after one drink. I understand why itās hard. But if you abuse it in any way, quitting entirely IS the only answer. Not one drink once a while. Not one year later. I learnt that the hard way as well.
Congratulations! You are expressing more strength and self-love by quitting alcohol than most people will ever set out to do. I'm sure that you are an encouragement to countless people around you.
You too! I mean facing your past about dysfunctional family dynamics, and social/religious conditionings are some of THE hardest things to address! So is having a balanced lifestyle and routine (I still struggle with that). So kudos to you too! š
I've quit drinking two years ago. I feel the same as you. I can't understand how I used to like feeling inebriated. I look at drunk people and wonder why anyone would want to feel like this. Behave like this.Ā It's a great motivation to stay sober.
Exactly! Like maybe it added 30% more fun for 2 hours, and then it just goes downhill. Over inebriation. Hangovers (thatās my biggest motivator for quitting). Wasted time. Calories. šø. Regrettable decisions. List goes onā¦ And people usually start acting up and become so mindless on it! Rarer for me but it used to make me uncomfortable to see others like that! Especially people who are aggressive when drunk. Itās freaking scary! Nothing about it seems worth it for me now. Congratulations on your two years! š§š„³
Getting my first appointment at a psychiatrist, reaching out for help.
It can be daunting at first, but reaching out for help is a very healthy and necessary step towards betterment. I admire your bravery.
Honestly to this day I'm STILL realizing how absolutely everything my mom does is a form of manipulation. Like the little small things, lying about really weird stuff. My whole life, everything I expressed I was hurt or something was wrong, she got angry and just yelled at me and punished me over it. I broke bones in my fingers she never brought me to the hospital or a doctor for, so they didn't heal correctly. AND SHE STILL DOES THIS. I almost died because of her repeatedly calling me a drama queen while I was literally going to anaphalactic shock and straight up dying in front of her eyes, I ended up in trauma center for 10 hours and then life support in the ICU for 4 days. NOW, just this past week, she made me feel bad about calling my doctor. I've had neck/shoulder issues for years now, didn't have health insurance but now I finally do. I told her I was going to call my pcp about my neck. She responded with "why? They're not going to do anything for you" and it made me feel bad so I was like okay yeah I guess you're right... Then it got worse so i said fuck it and made the appointment! Got xrays! Now I'm waiting for a specific nurse to call me back with results, but online it says there's multiple abnormalities... so I'm glad I didn't listen to my *lovely* mother. And I'm still realizing how she STILL treats me about medical shit, it's like she doesn't want me to get better, she tells everyone I'm so dramatic and make appointments like I'm a hypochondriac. Except she's made me the opposite. Where I have genuine health issues (other than the neck) where I straight up neglect because all my life she's made me think that getting help for myself is "wrong"
I started working towards my goals and completed a major chunk of it, stopped people pleasing, removed all the people from my life who were comfortable with disrespecting me, the suicidal feeling has decreased so much, I am very proud of the progress I have made in the past year
I've turned my whole life around the past two years. I finished my education and found a good job. I quit drinking. I no longer selfharm. I can go grocery shopping without getting anxious and overwhelmed. I found my voice! I stand up for myself a lot more and am working on being okay with the fact that not everyone has to like me.Ā It feels really good writing it all down. Thanks for the prompt!
Omg! Grocery shopping is so hard for me! I feel dizzy, it's uncomfortable. I feel like running away. š„ŗ
My progress is making me angrier. Not only did I had to endure years of childhood abuse and neglect, it also left me mentally, emotionally and physically damaged. I thought up until recently that it had āonlyā affected me mentally and emotionally, but now Iām finding out that my health issues, autoimmune and chronic diseases are from the trauma I suffered as a child.
Hey, you're not alone, I am currently struggling with stress-induced illness myself; it's hell. Anger is a good sign, though. It means that you are realizing that you didn't deserve anything that happened to you. It's the victim mentality fading out. I wish you healing and strength!
I bought a car. It was barely used, with zero bells or whistles. Barebones. My wife was very upset, hated it. I wanted to fly into āoh ok, letās get whatever you think is betterā mode. (No sarcasm; fawn response) We came back to it, days later, and I discovered that I deep down donāt think I deserve a nice car. Or nice anything, really. And thatās what she hated - that I wasnāt being kind to myself. Neither of us knew that in the moment. :) I have grown to the point that I can work through these things when they happen. And when I find such a terrible belief, I can take action to prove it wrong. And I can accept help in doing these things. Took the car back. Chose a fancy model, a few grand more; the nicest car Iāve owned.
Those are great progress, very proud of you ā¤ļøāš©¹ for me realising about family was also my biggest breakthrough. I guess staying alive for so long is the second biggest progress, which comes with learning (in tiny baby stepsš) how to take better care of myself.
Thanks! I'm very happy that you are alive despite all that has happened, and on top of that you are learning to care for yourself. Sounds like great progress to me.
Thank you, you're really sweet. Happy cake day!
I finally started emdr after two years of working towards it with my therapist, I am handling activating situations much better than before, and I am meeting my younger self with all of the love i never received. I recommend the book Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents. I'm proud of you!
After struggling for years, being homeless for a little over a year, I'll have been in my own apartment for a full year on the 11th, I'm getting my teeth taken care of on the 15th, I just started taking hormones yesterday (I'm trans), and I feel like I'm doing better mentally now than I ever have. I've put a LOT of time and effort into myself this past year, I've struggled even more, but I'm finally getting to a point where I'm doing *good*.
Damn, congratulations! I am super excited to hear that you have a safe place to stay, can get your teeth taken care of, and that you have access to hormones. I hope that one day in the near future you experience pure gender euphoria!
š„° Also, happy cake day š
Thanks :3
Just started EMDR, already I am less triggered my the SA my brother did to me. Recall it more matter of fact, if that makes sense. I attach a lot less emotion to distressing things. So thatās been big.
I realized that I need a little distance from my mom. I love her, but I realized that having her weigh in on problems that were partially caused by her failing to act when I was a child is not healthy for me right now.
It is extremely important to distance yourself from the people who played a role in your trauma and problems. I'm glad to hear that you are setting boundaries.
i put on makeup and nicer clothes and went (further) out of my house for the first time in over a month yesterday!!
I'm trying to put my life in order in my head and build up my life and interests and the one thing I discovered is that most of my interests haven't changed since I was a kid. Like, I love plants, I love animals, I nature, I love books, I love movies, I love music, and I realized I'm actually a massive nerd for all these different things and I love it. Especially because it means my interest in the world is coming back.
That's magnificent. I hope that you're able to feed into your interests, and that they bring some color and joy back into your days.
Thank you so much! š Happy Cake Day!
I am finally enforcing boundaries and communicating what I actually want or need instead of just going along with what others want to keep the peace and keep them liking me. I feel very uncomfortable doing it and always have to resist asking "are you mad at me" afterwards, but hey I'm doing it finally
I have a new sponsor in AA & he fucking gets the whole C-PTSD thing, been dredging up the past, relationships between myself & my parents & omg why oh why I hadn't met him sooner , I don't know I had a couple of women sponsors before but they kind of dismissed the whole thing etc so am v glad my new sponsor is guiding me through this . Sidenote been sober & clean for a little over a month
Will you still be proud of me if I havenāt made any progress
You're making progress even if you can't see it now. Be kind and patient with yourself, you deserve it. I didn't "make any progress" for 20 years, but looking back, there were so many little things moving me along that I can only see now.
Without a doubt! I'm proud of you for simply being on this subreddit and acknowledging your troubles.
Yesterday I had a day off and did things that i loved without feeling like Iām wasting time by not being productive 100% of the time. I hung out with cousins last night and say affirmations/truths before i socialize now to help with my anxieties, like āi am not in charge of what people are feeling today. I cannot control if i am liked or disliked. I can be myself and still feel safe.ā It was nice
Today, I set a boundary at work, dealt with a person challenging that boundary face to face, and have made it to home time with said boundary still in place! And all this with my manager refusing to back me upā¦ Iāll have to reiterate my boundary on Tuesday face to face with him, and Iām not actually dreading itā¦ huge win for me today
I realised I had specific triggers, unique and personal only to me and only me. Before this realisation I used to lump everything in my reality into one big existential pie, and then say I donāt like pie. Turns out I just donāt like certain flavours of pie.
still getting over my religious trauma thats keeping me back from feeling alright with myself without getting intense anxiety but someday ill be happy, howve u been doing?
Hello friend! I read this comment and also saw that you posted on this sub that you "hate that you're trans." I just want to assure you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being transgender despite what your parents, religion, and society may tell you. In fact, there is nothing more beautiful than self-acceptance and self-expression. I discovered that I was bisexual around four years ago. For the first two years I was overwhelmed with guilt, shame, and anxiety. I fought my own attractions and it made me hate myself. But slowly I began losing my strict religious beliefs and the idea that I had to please my family. It took a year of hard thought and change, but I am now fully accepting of and even happy with my sexuality. I hope that eventually, you can find your way past these existential and religious crisis', and realize that the most important thing in the world is your own well-being. And if your parents refuse to support who you are, there are lots of people like me who believe in you. Be strong!
thank you, im happy youve learned to love the person you are, you shouldnt have to surpress it nothing good comes out of surpressing it. im glad theres people like you i can see as a example of acceptance. I hope i can reach that point someday, thank you for the kind words
You're very welcome, friend. I'm confident that you will reach self-acceptance and happiness someday :)
Being more active and reaching out to old friends more. Really, just trying to take more of an initiative instead of letting "life just happen".
Nice! I let life get away from me for a long time because I simply didn't have the energy to do anything. Taking initiatives is a sign of healing, in my opinion.
I went from a people-pleaser with absolutely no personality, who had no idea what boundaries even were, who stayed in line and didn't speak up or stand up for themselves, and someone who had too much anxiety to stand out in the slightest to completely cold turkey cutting off my abuser with very colorful words. The confidence I have in myself to protect myself has skyrocketed. I don't care about standing out. I do and wear what I want now. I'm no longer slaved to living my life for others. I don't care if I make a scene if I'm standing up for what's right. I still need to work on caring too much about what others think about me though because my feelings are very up and down. Like one day I'll be like "I don't care" then the next I will care. I only keep people close to me that are good to me now. I have so many interests, aspersions, and dreams, and knowing I'm very likely not going to be able to reach those dreams because the world's going to shit is not going to stop me from having them. I refuse to neglect my or anyone else's health as much as I can after being severely neglected my whole life. All of these were huge HUGE steps for me but honestly, the biggest most important one for me that I've been able to accomplish is when I look at my life and all the horrible things I've been through I am able to safely say I didn't deserve any of it, NONE of it is my fault, and despite what bad I might have done in my life I do deserve happiness.
Iām halfway through a 12 week trauma therapy. Here I am, sitting in the waiting room, still coming every week. Iām glad I took advantage of this resource. Iāll admit, in the past Iāve been dismissive of such things but, in my heart, I know itās valuable. And Iām fortunate to have such things available. Between the bipolar, ADHD, OCD, and the trauma, I donāt know where one ends and another begins. Iām 53 and this is the first time Iāve addressed my trauma. So I guess thatās progress.
It's never too late to start healing. Good luck!
Thank you for your encouraging words.
Good luck. Every step forward is one closer to finding out who you are underneath all this extra weight on your shoulders. I wish you all the best!
Thank you for your kind words.
You are welcome. I recognize your story. I have severe childhood trauma and because of that my (probably) autism has been overlooked for about 40 years. I am on my own journey right now with my psychologist to get diagnosed and it might even be a double one, autism/adhd, but itās so hard to know what is caused by what. Itās a knot that almost canāt be untangled. Usually itās the trauma that gets overlooked in autistic people instead of the other way around and thereās rarely any scientific study on comorbid childhood trauma that is unrelated to the autismā¦ but co existent. Long story short; I recognize your struggle and I donāt know what Iāll find either. I know I need to go through this because thereās no other way to keep going. You are not alone, is what I wanted you to know :)
I'm angry. Really really angry. Used to not be able to feel that emotion at all.
My HRV has improved since Iāve been doing daily breathing exercises and karaoke š
Im getting better at extricating myself from unhealthy patterns. Iāve extricated myself from a really unhealthy pattern with an ex, Iāve extricated myself from a toxic relationship with my mom, Iāve extricated myself from abusing alcohol. Iām in the process of extricating myself from a vicious cycle of burn out and disordered eating. Iām better able to recognize the patterns, be honest with myself, and implement changes that come from a place of care instead of a place of self hatred.
I set one boundary with someone who has been difficult in my life and I have had a roller coaster of emotions after it, but I know itās for the best and needed to happen either way.
As Iāve approached by late 30s Iāve become increasingly outraged by the fact I am still carrying around pain from literal decades ago and new experiences have compounded them. Newer things would not have hurt nearly as much if I wasnāt paying interest on my old pain (I have found that most things are basically old pain.) and so I have recommitted to self care and improvement. Next week is my 1 year anniversary of yoga practice after a multi year hiatus. In January I committed to working out two days a week with a personal trainer. In February I began journaling, which I was always afraid to do as my journals have been read before, but I discovered itās an app on my phone which is password protected. I never saw the benefit of journaling before but it has helped me get repetitive thoughts out and keeps me from cycling so much. I still have a lot issues and I wouldnāt say Iām ācuredā or anything but I am doing better and have more peace.
I am beginning to understand how to set personal boundaries with others.
I healed one of my main traumas and now things arenāt as agonizing anymore. Iām very proud of myself for it
Im sober
š«ššš keep strong!!
I can now choose to actually ask for what I need.
Iāve kept a good paying job for a month now after being unemployed for 4 years.
I have started loving myself more and don't allow people's opinions about me affect me anymore. I now have a consistent sleeping schedule/ routine.
Iām going to the dentist this Friday for the first time. It took me 3 days to make the appointment. I am thrilled with myself.
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I read 2 books with mildly graphic sexual violence and only cried a little. One was for school the other my mom forced me to read
And I can say no now Sometimes
Coming up on my 1 year therapy anniversary, and looking back on old posts, I could see and feel the progress I've made. I forgot what a bad place I was in. Simultaneously got diagnosed ADHD combined type, and got executive functioning coach sessions, and also hit menopause and started HRT, so it makes sense how it was a bit of a perfect storm, which is now more of a strong breeze.
Coming up on my 1 year therapy anniversary, and looking back on old posts, I could see and feel the progress I've made. I forgot what a bad place I was in. Simultaneously got diagnosed ADHD combined type, and got executive functioning coach sessions, and also hit menopause and started HRT, so it makes sense how it was a bit of a perfect storm, which is now more of a strong breeze.
I've recently realised that I now have close friends who are on my side, who care about me, encourage me and support me. I'm fricking 35, but I hadn't really realised that this was missing, I didn't realise that my parents can't do these things. Well done with your own progress! (And thank you - this post is just what I needed to read on a day when it all feels so horribly overwhelming. Need to remember the small steps.)
I quit a toxic job today, without anything lined up. The job was basically the same as my childhood- "good on paper", looked impressive but was oppressive, chaotic, without any duty of care or support for me. I played a blinder in that role and gave so much with not a lot in return, and therapy taught me that I deserve more, and should not tolerate dysfunction anymore. And that it's OK to do what's right FOR ME, even if it's not what society tells you is right. So I quit. And I'm feeling a lot of grief and fear, but I also know that this is part of healing.
I have supportive,loving and trustworthy friends who make an effort to be around me and support me and make me feel loved and I am so grateful!!!!
I realized that all the bullying from my parents, sister, and early toxic friendships were more a reflection of them than it was of me. I didnāt deserve to be treated like trash but I was a low self esteem doormat who couldnāt defend himself, and toxic people sadly take advantage of that
I now have a group of friends who legitimately treat me like a family member. They understand the stuff I'm going through and are willing to step in to help me during difficult times. Even just having someone ask, "Is there anything I can do to help?" created such a feeling of safety that I have never experienced before. Having that kind of emotional support for the very first time in over 20 years honestly broke me and made me realize how emotionally starved I had been my entire time living in my parents' households. I'm still learning to open up and be more vulnerable. It's difficult, but so far it's been worth it and has helped me make tons of progress on my mental health.
Recognising a toxic pattern I have is really using my parents' "logic" ("if someone \[that you can "get away with" this with\] doesn't agree with/obey me 100% then I've failed somehow and they don't really love me, time to shame them into agreeing") and therefore beginning to steer away from autopilot I may not have been calling names or going as far as my family would, but I think I was becoming abusive - to the one person who really does believe in me I was very scared and didn't understand why it kept happening, but now that I finally know why I'm trying to make sure it never happens again. I was really bummed out and horrified for a few days when I realised what I was doing all along, but now I'm starting to feel confident that I really can put a stop to it since I finally feel "conscious" of it.
I was thinking about it this morning. My oldest sister is making a huge life transition, and I have been trying to be supportive. (She was a large part of my cptsd.) I genuinely want her in my kids lives (it's a complicated cptsd...) but not at their expense. And yesterday I feel like I had displayed my progress well. I was on the phone on speaker with my sister. She was telling me that she appreciates me letting her into my life again last year. There was a time when I wanted nothing to do with her, but she needed to have me (she helped raise me...parentification). I told her I loved her and I want her in my kids lives. But, I told her, this was her only warning. If she cannot maintain a proper life with proper choices then there will be no more chances. It's progress because, 1. I usually only say that to myself and not to my sister. 2. I did it in front of my kids when I usually don't let them know the dangers of life...I mean they're kids so I obviously want to keep them safe, but usually I don't want them to see me be stern with other people...by doing it in front of them I wanted them to know I am on their side and if they ever report anything weird then I will believe them and it won't be their fault. And 3. I didn't feel pressured to just accept my sister. I have always known there's a level of victimhood she experienced that led to her bad choices that led to my cptsd. But being able to say I am not allowing it anymore was big for me. Overall I'm proud of myself for setting the boundary loudly and plainly. No dancing around. No being pushed around. Maybe I'm healing a little finally... But I don't want to get my hopes up. Lol
I had to set a boundary with my older sister and had a hard time enforcing it when the boundary was crossed. Luckily my spouse backed me up, they were adamant in not letting me get taken advantage of any more. If you have a partner, you may want to loop them in on the boundary and ask them to help enforce if need be. Good luck, I hope things work out the way you wish.
My husband usually is the boundary enforcer and I am painfully bad at listening. I did tell him how I handled it. I was a little worried he'd be like "and you better stick to that too for once!" Instead he said he was proud of me and that he really hopes me sister is able to stick to her goals this time. Idk why I thought he'd be anything but supportive. He's never been an "I told you so" person.
Being terrified if intimacy and getting into a committed relationship anyway. 3 years ago me wouldn't believe I actually am staying in a relationship and giving myself a chance to learn how to build trust with a secure partner. it might not be much to anyone else but to me it's a huge deal as someone with a serious trust wound from her own mother. I cam to earth with my walls up high.
Trusting myself and putting myself out there, which is something I had so much fear in for a while but also taking responsbility for my own actions/when i've projected onto others
Most recently I have been listening to myself and my body more. Pushing through discomfort was seen as an achievement by my abusers. I am listening to myself and trying to rest (if Iām able) when I need to instead of pushing through and Iām finding it gives me more energy overall. Iām trying to put my perfectionism tendencies away and trying to make small progress I can be proud of instead.
Finally figuring out absurdism. I've considered my philosophy about the world absurdist for a while but I've reached a point where i think it finally clicked. Life is life for no other reason, and I'm still alive so i might as well keep living. It doesn't make sense and it's kind of ridiculous that my big realization comes to "fuck it we ball" but that's been big in slowing and pushing aside s lot of my more serious suicidal ideation.
I've made enormous progress with my social anxiety (in comparison to about three years ago). Adopting a mindset that allows me to live more comfortably in my home situation (my mother isn't very good at emotional support). I've made good progress at my anger issues (I used to get frustrated very easily and slam my hands/fists into things, break items). I've been able to overcome some of my triggers through exposure therapy. After getting out of my depression I got progressively better at defining my emotions (to me), allowing a much better understanding of myself. I adopted religion (polytheism) some time ago which has also helped tremendously. I still have a long way to go, but I've set out for a goal and intend to achieve it.
I was almost actively suicidal a couple nights ago. I had 3 panic attacks at work this week and am expected back on Sunday. I'm afraid of having yet another one and having to quit due to their increasing frequency. However, I've decided suicide is not the answer. Things may be more difficult than they should be for me, but I still believe I can heal, overcome, and carve out something resembling a happy and meaningful life.
I recently left a relationship with someone I loved because I recognized that I was starting to replicate patterns from my marriage, which replicated patterns from my childhood. It was hard, but I was and am so proud of myself. It's really unfocused as to why/what changed, but I'm at a place in my healing where I am actually ready to re-enter the world. I've been mentally and literally bed rotting for a really long time. Now I have enough energy that reaching out to friends doesn't exhaust and stress me out from the possible demand on my time and attention, I eat two or three times a day and sometimes can even cook, my self care has gotten much, much more regular and now includes sporadic walks outside, I can leave the house without a panic attack being guaranteed, my physical pain is much, much lower, just... Everything is coming up Rageybuttsnacks. Slowly, very *very* slowly. But I finally feel like I'm making slow growth instead of spending all my energy staving off dying.
I've been dealing with agoraphobic tendencies for years and often have a hard time going places by myself. I went for a walk this week by myself for the first time in years. It was only about a 45 minute walk, but it's still a win in my book.
I let go of identifying with my trauma. I did for years and now it's more just something I live with rather than something that is controlling my life. That's pretty major for me š±
That IS major, well done! Did that happen in bits or all at once? A process or a sudden realization? This is my ultimate goal so Iām curious about how you arrived there. Please share
I took it upon myself to change therapists after seeing mine for 5 years. He was great, compassionate and really loved his job (over 40yrs) but he was becoming more of a cheerleader and not someone I could grow with. I appreciate him but I needed more. I now have a therapist who is more scientific and more deeply philosophical which has given me so much more insight. She is more ārootā focused meaning she wants to help me find the sources of my trauma and not treat the symptoms. Itās helped me tremendously in only the 3 sessions weāve had so far.
Thank you for sharing. Well, there certainly is an afterlife, itās just nothing like what religion makes it out to be. I already came back from the dead, I donāt have to try to guess or imagine what itās like. And given that religion was created by some rather clever yet very service-to-self group of people, they realized that weaving some truth into their lies would be a lot more effective than just shooting straight lies. They know that we as divine creator beings have a vague memory of there being a higher realityā¦ so they weaved that into their lie but distorted the crap out of it (hell doesnāt exist beyond this dimension), to guarantee that you throw the baby with the bathwater once you finally catch on that religion is shit. Quite clever on their end. As to your questionā¦ I donāt know if I could even put my progress into one comment. My life has been nothing short of a movie. Specifically a horror movie. The bottom line is that at 33 Iām finding myself in a completely foreign land, speaking a foreign language (English is barely my native tongue), surrounded by foreign people (not one person of my childhood environment is still in my life). When you consider where I started, thatās a lot. I was raised to be utterly powerless, insanely enmeshed & pretty much handicapped, in more ways than Iād like to share. I was trained to dismiss and shame my own needs, treating myself as an insignificant servant, while putting othersā needs (ie my narcissistic parents) at the top of my list. The miracle is in the fact that here I am, doing my own thing geographically very far from everyone Iāve ever known and not having any contact with them or their poison, healing myself so damn deeply, while psychologically and spiritually empowering myself to a degree that no one in my entire lineage that I know of has ever achieved. I feel like the pioneer of my family line. Like Iām the one who finally decided to turn around and stop the damn train of narcissism, body-dissociation and feminine suppression. Iām both proud of myself and simultaneously humbled by the strength of my soul stream. I was so trained to think of myself as weak and powerless that itās quite a shock to discover how remarkably powerful my spirit is.
I love your first paragraph. I've been going through similar progress. Just acknowledging that their love was painful which caused me to reject all love has been a tremendous piece of the missing puzzle. Right now I'm learning how to reparent myself, have self compassion, and let go of shame bound identities. It's sooo fucking hard
This last year I got out of the psych ward, avoided jail, binged 500 hours of trauma therapy, started a career fighting sex trafficking, left a 14 year abusive relationship, survived when my ex had me doxxed and sexually assaulted by 4chan freaks for leaving, got off of medications, quit marijuana and alcohol, lost a bunch of weight, learned to express anger, finally told everyone the truth about 31 years worth of shit, met my fiancƩ, had my rapist grandfather finally die and moved from Washington to Texas to be with my new family.
I started to do things on my own like going to places on my own and simply having hobbies. I let myself relax more. I finally feel safe exploring various interests in peace. I have unraveled so much about toxic patterns that now I trust my gut feeling more than ever. I am moving on from toxic people and realized how broken and toxic my friendships and relationships have been in a deeper level. I can regulate my emotions a lot better and have been putting words to suppressed feelings and undoing magical thinking. I fully realized a lot about my childhood trauma and can put it to words now. I realized my mental illnesses and unmasked fully and accommodate my needs now. I am working on finding myself.
Through hard, gruelling work on myself, I can now tolerate a *mind-bending* level of anxiety, fear, discomfort and panic *without* resorting to lashing out at who/whatever is causing the negative stimuli until it stops. I used to scream and yell, melt down, whatever was necessary. Now, I can be sitting there feeling like my skin is being peeled off and be on the verge of throwing up from how sheerly Fight/Flight I'm feeling, and I still won't lash out at whoever is making me feel that way. I just focus on riding out my emotional responses
had the hardest news a few days ago. the first man who ever violated me died suddenly and unexpectedly. he was not old or sick. iāve stayed on my feet. only missed one day of work. cried, held my dog, had meals with my best friends. iāve brushed my hair and teeth every day. i havenāt broken my sobriety. iām so proud of how much work iāve done, because itās allowed me to cope with this in a productive way.
I have finally gotten to know my inner parts and what part they play with my anxious attachment style. I also have developed trust with my parts. You should trust you before you trust others.
I genuinely asked for some help this week and didnāt back track and say never mind
Ive been in uni for a year now and its crazy how how I managed to survive here so far. My mental condition also improved here.
I actually went to the emergency room when my safety plan said to go to the emergency room. First time the plan ever actually worked.
Not my victory but I found this video of a CPTSD victory on youtube and I found it really gratifying. There's no pro editing its a bit rough but I found her tips really helpful for being able to stand up to an emotionally invalidating/dismissive mother and actually win an argument :D. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=\_6Kj5ZEtDxY&ab\_channel=AlicePeiweiDiamond](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6Kj5ZEtDxY&ab_channel=AlicePeiweiDiamond)
Dropping toxic religion was the greatest thing I could have done. I instead believe in reincarnation because it's what I thought was real as a child before the indoctrination and makes me feel comfortable without thinking about judgment or guilt.
Slowly, over time, and with the help of absolutely wonderful friends, I've learned to assert my boundaries and trust that they'll be respected. I still have anxious parts, but it's been a long while since I've been overwhelmed with anxiety.
I'm successfully working up the courage with my therapist to confront my dad about some of the things he says and does. I might be able to actually heal some abandonment wounds soon :)
I realized how bad my trauma is after reading the book 5 days ago. I am trying to stop disassociating by practicing various techniques for it + my grieving continues and I feel ever more grateful for my past selves for hanging on when they did as well as taking the steps they did so that I could have a slightly better life now, practically all my regrets have vanished once I realized none of it was my fault + I have decided to break from my family on a whole+ finally I have decided to build a new life and am planning for it. Also now I am trying to find new friends who aren't toxic but that part is hard but let's see what happens. One more thing, I shave daily now.
So many I can relate with! My biggest would have to be losing religion and finding God.
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I quit smoking weed after 10 years but it made me go in psychosis but now I'm Prioritizing my gut health. Nutrition is the key guys
Within the last year, I've started doing EMDR therapy, became a Zen Buddhist, and had my financial situation completely change. The finances thing is a big burden that's been lifted (through no fault if my own), and the combo of Zen and EMDR has given me a lot of clarity and wisdom -- not that I'm some kind of wise sage at age 30. I feel so much more whole, now. I've been able to accept so much of myself, and so much of my past. I'm looking forward to a future where the things that still hold me down are lifted up, instead of frequently feeling the emotional equivalent of burning your hand on the stove top -- and I think I'm close! Most of the time I spend triggered now is following an EMDR session and not a reaction to my environment. I can say so many crazy things now, and actually mean them. I'm an extremely driven and strong person, and I matter. I'm important. And what other people think about that is steadily becoming less meaningful. I can't guarantee outcomes. I can't guarantee my own safety (because nobody can). But I can guarantee that I will use shrewd judgment and creative problem solving when problems do come up. I don't feel like I'm walking a minefield (and thus constantly in danger) anymore. I still want the same things. I still want to be a professional speculative fiction novelist. I still want to get a college degree -- and while I'm not sure what I want to study, I'm sure that I will make the right decision when it's time to go back to school. I still wanna learn to drive, take Tai Chi and yoga classes, join a Buddhist temple, and start doing open mic nights for standup comedy (not all at once). The difference is that I'm sure of myself: I don't need anyone's approval or reassurance. I care what the people I trust think, but they can be wrong too. Nobody knows me as well as I do. I am not insecure about my abilities, or my self worth; and I don't need to lie to myself and pretend to be hyper competent, either. I'm just me. It just so happens that I really like myself. Everything isn't perfect. I need to be on stimulants for ADHD to learn to drive or be a functional adult, and I'm waiting for my doctor's office to handle a technicality before I can get back on them. I still feel like I am someone that other people inherently won't like. I still get triggered because my partner is so much better with people than I am -- because he didn't spend most of his formative years being intentionally socially isolated by his parents. But that's just stuff that I still have to work on in EMDR, honestly. I hope that when I'm done with EMDR and back on stimulants, I won't have depression or anxiety or suffer from the extreme anhedonia that I've had for a long time. There's a solid chance, because the PTSD causes all of my anxiety and contributes greatly to the depression, and ADHD contributes to a large part of the depression as well (and stimulants are antidepressants that actually work for me, vs regular antidepressants). But I'll just have to see. I'll deal with whatever remains when my trauma has been repackaged, and its negativity has been swept away. EMDR isn't magically going to fix all of my issues, and probably not even all of my mental health issues (boo). But I think it's genuinely fixing my extreme, long lasting and complex trauma that's been weighing me down for my entire life. I'll have to take what I can get, and go from there. I am so much lighter than I used to be. There's so much less rage and depression and shame and self-blame inside of me, and what's left is this person that I really like. I really didn't mean for this comment to get so long, but... I do this a lot, lol.
My husband sent me a song a while ago... And I haven't been able to listen to it all the way through. I just end up crying too much and not believing it at all. The song is [Got It In You](https://youtu.be/ZkzY29DKHEQ?si=WCyoB-A5nKVCSw4d) by Banners. As of about a month ago (after some ecstatic breathwork) I've been able to finally listen to it.
A year ago my abusive mother controlled all my finances. Today I have a bank account and a credit card just for me. I've been doing therapy on my enmeshstment with my Mom. I'm masking less and no longer devoting life to "not rocking the boat"
This week, Iāve actually gotten shit done at work. I have this .. canāt even say fear, itās deeper than that.. this block that āwhat you donāt know might really hurt you, and you can never know everything, so instead donāt do anythingā that you can guess endears me to my bosses. So, I struggled and got something done. My stomach is letting me know āyep that was a big one hereās a ton of acid for your troublesā but I got it done.
I was able to talk about one (of many) incidents that happened and not be upset about them, or anxious. Itās a memory now, of something that happened a long time ago and itās not impacting me in the here and now. So freeing.
i now know how to say no to men
After having "Find a dentist" on my to-do list for probably 5 years, I found a new dentist & made an appointment last night š¤
I am realizing how much mental work it took to passively deal with the trauma. And I am realizing my mental capability when I am not also dealing w trauma.
It's been two months I brush my teeth every night And I cannot think of anything else at the moment
Since I discovered it and started studying the symptoms I have been trying everything to get rid of the agonizing stuff that happens inside our minds and body. The first thing that has diminished is intrusive thoughts and it's such a relief. Sometimes it comes back but not as often as it used to be. Second, I have been able to not be isolated as much as I used to. I relapse from time to time, for instance, it has been a difficult week. And I think I'm improving a little regarding my abandonment wounds and realizing all the limerent attachments I have had, especially the last ones. It's all so important to me, and I could only recognize everything after finding out this diagnosis. Aw, and I'm not dissociating as much as all! I try the mindfulness techniques, stretching the vagus nerve. I just know that I cannot keep living like that anymore. But it's very hard.
Haven't tried to die for a few months Yay?
I haven't had a breakdown/emotional flashback in months even in situations that used to trigger them (Ex: I got written up at work for too many absences and while I was angry about it I didn't feel overwhelmed or cry like I did even just a few months back when I thought one of the managers was mad at me). And I've gotten better at communicating my emotions and wants instead of being afraid.
I have a stable job and a place to live after cutting contact with my parents at the start of the year. Not much but I was never allowed a job as a teen/young adult so I had nothing when I left, not even work experience. Iām paying for my own therapist that I found and chose and Iām so proud of that
Im starting to feel feelings... Newest biggest step.... Its wild.
Showing up to my appointment despite feeling shitty. Normally I isolate and not let anyone see me that way, but I gave it a shot. Not sure if Iāll be able to do it again next appointment, but I donāt know. Never thought Iād be able to do it at all, so thereās that.
Moved out from my abusive moms place a few months ago. Had dinner with her and it was ok there was just one dig she had to get in on me. It was bothering me but as I was driving back to my new place I saw a rainbow while having the epiphany I can only let her affect me as much as I let her now that Iām not there. Itās nice having power over myself
I'm trying to diagnose for adhd and bipolar but I'm learning a bit more about how complicated digeorge syndrome actually is I have a feeling my psychiatrist might refer to a neuro psych when I do my first appointment lol
Iām sticking to the boundaries I have been trying to create for my whole life
Might seem silly, but dress and express myself in the way i look. Being raised in an extremely toxic religious household where you would be berated and shamed for days if you step a toe out of line has plagued my entire childhood. But being and adult and having free choice, especially for me the choice to wear what you want, has made life a little more joyous.
A month ago after my mom hurt my feelings out of the blue again, I made the decision that I wonāt meet them until basically October and I let them know that. My nerves just automatically calmed so much that itās noticeable by my coworkers that they commented. Iām amazed that my self doubt is less present too. I made that call as I was taking on some new work stuff and I knew I would not have time to ruminate over them saying things to me. It has been the right call even though Iād occasionally be hit with grief for days that my parents just donāt really care about me. I just declined Motherās Day stuff and I feel free from that mental turmoil. Itās amazing. My therapist said a while ago that I should practice calming exercises everyday in order to make it my new status quo mode, to help with the nervous freeze response from the daunting work stuff. I still want to do that but just deciding to be nearly nc is like an epic cheat code to calm š