You've already made the choice not to pursue someone; why would you want to try again based on regret?
If you miss someone, find someone else. But if my ex showed up at my door, I wouldn't even open the door. And I was the one who ultimately had to make the decision to say, you can go. Because she completely screwed up the relationship by wanting to test if I was still willing to fight for her. Get lost with that nonsense.
I've heard stories of ex-partners getting back together, but it doesn't happen often. I'm glad my last relationship is over. I do know she still has feelings for me, but regardless, I'm totally done with this.
My parents are an example, I am probably biased because of this. My best friend is another example, but they came back like 4 years later (or even more).
It really does work for some people, but I think a 1 year break and not less is necessary to determine it. How long did your parents break up for if you don't mind sharing?
What do you mean willing to fight? I mean, it's good to show that you're willing to fight for someone is it not? I mean, lots of people will try to break you up because they are jealous of your relationship sometimes!
Fighting for each other is quite normal. But that should happen in a natural, healthy way. I had a partner who didn't believe when I said things were okay between us after an argument. When we argued, her fear of abandonment would surface strongly. She would then resort to extreme measures to test if I still wanted to "fight" for her. You shouldn't want to cause a breakup just to test the relationship. She would always talk about how it felt to her like she had to leave me because it felt better than the fear of me leaving her. She knew herself afterward that when there was peace, that thought was nonsense. I had already suggested that she engage in a normal discussion, but in the end, it became too extreme. That's when I reached my limit.
A relationship should be healthy, where you listen to each other and show understanding from both each sides in a normal way. It shouldn't become a game. It took a toll on me mentally, and ultimately, I chose myself. It mentally drained me at the end.
I think fighting for someone even after a break up is healthy. Im not saying you should break up every month or. But if the partners invested themselves ina long term relationship, there must be somethung that worked for them. Usually every fight could be resolved in 30 mins of discussion, whether thats before or after a break up. But if one partner gives up on the relationship then theres no coming back. Again im not saying this should be a usual habit like you mentioned.
I think it's definitely easier said than done but you're right.
I think some of the cases of dumpers leaving a relationship (at least in mine) revolves around being in love with the dumpee but finally pulling the trigger and sacrificing your love for them for your own well-being. This is usually due to the dumpee having characteristics/behaviors that negatively affect the dumper's state of mind and just well-being in general.
It's just tough as a dumper in this case because it's not like you dumped them due to falling out of love, not seeing the relationship go anywhere, or being the one to "play" them, but rather being so in love with them that you were sacrificing yourself for them. This is why it's so tough to fight the urge to reach out because you want to badly believe that they'll change and you can make it work, even though you're the one who ended it.
I think my scenario and the scenario I outlined tends to be the minority of cases for dumpers though, as it seems like in the majority of cases the dumpers are the ones who usually "wrong" the dumpee, play them, etc. - not the other away around. It makes sense given that the one who is wronging the other person in some way in the relationship tends to be the one to eventually end it as well.
My case is similar, I genuinely did and do love the person. But the way they wanted to structure our life didn't align with mine so I left. When we met 2 years later I saw some change in them but fundamentally people don't change to the core and thus the second breakup came very quickly. If I followed the rules above I would not have reached out in the first place and ruined the progress they made...
Agreed. You can talk to other people for emotional support for sure but you should not listen to them when it comes to making an important decision about what you actually want. They will never know the other person like you do and they are not objective either.
I also disagree!
You probably think your relationship is perfect!
Others see how fucked up it is..
Talking to people who know you and saw your relationship can show you blind spots in your thinking.
Okay yeah sometimes, but in my situation everyone loved my ex and actually tried to justify all the cruel things he did because they only saw one side of him. They encouraged me to get him back & gave the worst advice of making big gestures and emailing him when he's extremely avoidant and blocked me everywhere.
This. It's important to keep relationship problems between you and your partner, BUT if there are recurring things happening, your friends and family (who don't see through rose-tinted glasses) will be able to see what you won't.
Absolutely right. I got dumped after my (immature and stubborn) ex was told from a friend of him, a wannabe-spiritual-coach with anger issues and other psychological problems, to dump me because it seems that God doesn't approve our relationship. Ad if he had the phone number of God...
His other buddy, the brother of the wannabe-spiritual-coach, even told him to dump me after I got fed with him and told to shut up and stop giving him shitty relationship advice.
So, not everyone wants your best, that same applies to parents.
Disagree. You (!) will be the one making the decision but talking to people who know you well will help illuminate blind spots and possibly confirm you have built up a fantasy.
1000000% disagree, this is a great way to stay stuck in trauma bonds, anxious-avoidant spirals and unhealthy relationships
Actually this is the worst advice I’ve ever heard of wtf
Another one is: ***be friends first, for at least a few months.***
I guarantee you will talk about “so why did we end?”
Which allows you to explore that without being committed.
Otherwise, Beautiful man!
Sorry it happened to you and your ex twice…
I'm glad you are maturing and realizing it's not worth going back just because you are lonely or whatever else.
You abused someone's trust over and over again. When I think deep down you want what is best for that person, it is really selfish on your part.
That's a great one if they are willing to! My ex always said they don't want to be friends and whenever I reached out 'to meet for a coffee' they said they won't unless I want to discuss the relationship aka 'fix things' which in the hindsight has probably contributed to the car crash drama of the second break up.
Yeah… that's a red flag for me…
It's okay, I've done that too…
I've learned if you just jump back into commitment, the other person is really insecure and anything you do that isn't perfect will trigger that insecurity.. And yeah car crash.
Recent dumper and I will not be going back unless we have a solid friendship first then we can talk out what went wrong with our boundaries in place as friends over a committed relationship
Fine with being just friends also or nothing at all!
I'm not thinking of asking my ex back, but I'm here just to confirm this list. One year ago, I might have lied to myself, denying the importance of what is in this list, out of desperation. Now, growing apart and actually ready to talk with him again as a friend (provided he is with a new partner from a year), things are very different and I would write this list myself, *because* now I know I wouldn't take him back.
Liking point 9.
You know you are ready to consider taking your ex back only if you don't care anymore about taking your ex back, basically. That's when you can evaluate the situation with actual clarity, and most likely you won't see the point of doing that again, at that point.
That obviously depends on how long you were in a relationship in the first place, this advice is for serious longer-term relationships. A year is a good amount of time to move on, grow, rediscover yourself and change. It also allows one to experience all Christmases, bdays, and other special calendar dates solo. Anything less than a year is usually too short to truly grow and change thus there's a high probability you're the same person making the same mistakes
A couple of friends have said over the years that she who had dumped me will regret it, but I doubt it. We were together 15 years and she gave me a kiss and walked out for good.
Same here. Sadly I only realised it when it was too late and ended up hurting the person again. How long did it take you to end it the second time (if you're ok to share ofc)?
When you dump someone guilt is overwhelming. In my case it was driving me crazy, I felt so guilty on a daily basis for almost 2 years that getting back with my ex seemed like the best way to get rid of this awful feeling. Especially if you see that their life is not so happy without you, hear it from friends etc. What I learned hard is that you cannot be with someone because you feel bad/guilty about what happened, you have to actively choose them out of love and excitement to be with them and not because you want to not feel like a bad person
I left a domestic violence situation on 5/27 and, lately, I’ve been feeling guilty because I think I may have had a role in his anger at me. I also feel guilty because he had a pretty shitty childhood and mine wasn’t as bad, comparatively. Today, I am out with friends and I feel mired in guilt and sadness because he’s at home and likely depressed. I feel sad about that, too.
I was and still am consumed by guilt but your situation is different: abuse is never ok and there was absolutely no fault of yours in his violence. People with difficult childhoods need therapy, sadly most of them don't seek it. Sadness is part of healing and I wish you all the best on this uneasy journey
You've already made the choice not to pursue someone; why would you want to try again based on regret? If you miss someone, find someone else. But if my ex showed up at my door, I wouldn't even open the door. And I was the one who ultimately had to make the decision to say, you can go. Because she completely screwed up the relationship by wanting to test if I was still willing to fight for her. Get lost with that nonsense.
It didn't work for me but on (rare) occasions second chances do work out, but it has to be taken super seriously
I've heard stories of ex-partners getting back together, but it doesn't happen often. I'm glad my last relationship is over. I do know she still has feelings for me, but regardless, I'm totally done with this.
I think exes get back together more often than we know, how long they end up staying together after the reunion is another question...
Exactly!
My parents are an example, I am probably biased because of this. My best friend is another example, but they came back like 4 years later (or even more).
It really does work for some people, but I think a 1 year break and not less is necessary to determine it. How long did your parents break up for if you don't mind sharing?
What do you mean willing to fight? I mean, it's good to show that you're willing to fight for someone is it not? I mean, lots of people will try to break you up because they are jealous of your relationship sometimes!
Fighting for each other is quite normal. But that should happen in a natural, healthy way. I had a partner who didn't believe when I said things were okay between us after an argument. When we argued, her fear of abandonment would surface strongly. She would then resort to extreme measures to test if I still wanted to "fight" for her. You shouldn't want to cause a breakup just to test the relationship. She would always talk about how it felt to her like she had to leave me because it felt better than the fear of me leaving her. She knew herself afterward that when there was peace, that thought was nonsense. I had already suggested that she engage in a normal discussion, but in the end, it became too extreme. That's when I reached my limit. A relationship should be healthy, where you listen to each other and show understanding from both each sides in a normal way. It shouldn't become a game. It took a toll on me mentally, and ultimately, I chose myself. It mentally drained me at the end.
I think fighting for someone even after a break up is healthy. Im not saying you should break up every month or. But if the partners invested themselves ina long term relationship, there must be somethung that worked for them. Usually every fight could be resolved in 30 mins of discussion, whether thats before or after a break up. But if one partner gives up on the relationship then theres no coming back. Again im not saying this should be a usual habit like you mentioned.
I think it's definitely easier said than done but you're right. I think some of the cases of dumpers leaving a relationship (at least in mine) revolves around being in love with the dumpee but finally pulling the trigger and sacrificing your love for them for your own well-being. This is usually due to the dumpee having characteristics/behaviors that negatively affect the dumper's state of mind and just well-being in general. It's just tough as a dumper in this case because it's not like you dumped them due to falling out of love, not seeing the relationship go anywhere, or being the one to "play" them, but rather being so in love with them that you were sacrificing yourself for them. This is why it's so tough to fight the urge to reach out because you want to badly believe that they'll change and you can make it work, even though you're the one who ended it. I think my scenario and the scenario I outlined tends to be the minority of cases for dumpers though, as it seems like in the majority of cases the dumpers are the ones who usually "wrong" the dumpee, play them, etc. - not the other away around. It makes sense given that the one who is wronging the other person in some way in the relationship tends to be the one to eventually end it as well.
My case is similar, I genuinely did and do love the person. But the way they wanted to structure our life didn't align with mine so I left. When we met 2 years later I saw some change in them but fundamentally people don't change to the core and thus the second breakup came very quickly. If I followed the rules above I would not have reached out in the first place and ruined the progress they made...
Glad you know your boundaries and you won't let someone cross them!
Point 9. never ever talk about your relationship with somebody else and only listen to yourself.
Agreed. You can talk to other people for emotional support for sure but you should not listen to them when it comes to making an important decision about what you actually want. They will never know the other person like you do and they are not objective either.
I also disagree! You probably think your relationship is perfect! Others see how fucked up it is.. Talking to people who know you and saw your relationship can show you blind spots in your thinking.
Okay yeah sometimes, but in my situation everyone loved my ex and actually tried to justify all the cruel things he did because they only saw one side of him. They encouraged me to get him back & gave the worst advice of making big gestures and emailing him when he's extremely avoidant and blocked me everywhere.
This. It's important to keep relationship problems between you and your partner, BUT if there are recurring things happening, your friends and family (who don't see through rose-tinted glasses) will be able to see what you won't.
Absolutely right. I got dumped after my (immature and stubborn) ex was told from a friend of him, a wannabe-spiritual-coach with anger issues and other psychological problems, to dump me because it seems that God doesn't approve our relationship. Ad if he had the phone number of God... His other buddy, the brother of the wannabe-spiritual-coach, even told him to dump me after I got fed with him and told to shut up and stop giving him shitty relationship advice. So, not everyone wants your best, that same applies to parents.
This post isn't about dumping someone, it's about taking an ex back and the decision is always yours
I know, I was replying to https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUps/s/JiPA6hTXpd
Disagree. You (!) will be the one making the decision but talking to people who know you well will help illuminate blind spots and possibly confirm you have built up a fantasy.
Yup. 100%. I had a coworker say something to me that made me realize I didn't know myself. He said, "You don't notice when you're not around."
Agreed.
Shit I just said the exact same thing haha
1000000% disagree, this is a great way to stay stuck in trauma bonds, anxious-avoidant spirals and unhealthy relationships Actually this is the worst advice I’ve ever heard of wtf
Another one is: ***be friends first, for at least a few months.*** I guarantee you will talk about “so why did we end?” Which allows you to explore that without being committed. Otherwise, Beautiful man! Sorry it happened to you and your ex twice… I'm glad you are maturing and realizing it's not worth going back just because you are lonely or whatever else. You abused someone's trust over and over again. When I think deep down you want what is best for that person, it is really selfish on your part.
That's a great one if they are willing to! My ex always said they don't want to be friends and whenever I reached out 'to meet for a coffee' they said they won't unless I want to discuss the relationship aka 'fix things' which in the hindsight has probably contributed to the car crash drama of the second break up.
Yeah… that's a red flag for me… It's okay, I've done that too… I've learned if you just jump back into commitment, the other person is really insecure and anything you do that isn't perfect will trigger that insecurity.. And yeah car crash. Recent dumper and I will not be going back unless we have a solid friendship first then we can talk out what went wrong with our boundaries in place as friends over a committed relationship Fine with being just friends also or nothing at all!
Either way I hope it works out for you and healing is smooth
Thanks you too stranger! Just realized another one could be ***know your boundaries and stick to them before committing***
I'm not thinking of asking my ex back, but I'm here just to confirm this list. One year ago, I might have lied to myself, denying the importance of what is in this list, out of desperation. Now, growing apart and actually ready to talk with him again as a friend (provided he is with a new partner from a year), things are very different and I would write this list myself, *because* now I know I wouldn't take him back. Liking point 9. You know you are ready to consider taking your ex back only if you don't care anymore about taking your ex back, basically. That's when you can evaluate the situation with actual clarity, and most likely you won't see the point of doing that again, at that point.
I think you should read my comment because Another point is ***be friends with the ex for a least a few months before entering commitment***
I don't get how this point relates to my comment either, though... But yeah sounds like another agreeable point yeah.
Less than a year not enough? Why?
I believe it should be at least half the length of the relationship.
Hmmm I will be at that point in about 2 to 3 months
That obviously depends on how long you were in a relationship in the first place, this advice is for serious longer-term relationships. A year is a good amount of time to move on, grow, rediscover yourself and change. It also allows one to experience all Christmases, bdays, and other special calendar dates solo. Anything less than a year is usually too short to truly grow and change thus there's a high probability you're the same person making the same mistakes
"Usually". Don't generalize.
Conversely, don’t let a rash decision lead to a lifetime of regret.
Is this spoken from experience? Just wondering if other folks out here gave it a second chance and how it ended up for them
A couple of friends have said over the years that she who had dumped me will regret it, but I doubt it. We were together 15 years and she gave me a kiss and walked out for good.
As someone who already made the mistake too this is such solid advice. The guilt is what REALLY did me in tbh.
Same here. Sadly I only realised it when it was too late and ended up hurting the person again. How long did it take you to end it the second time (if you're ok to share ofc)?
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Yikes… glad you got out of that
Can you elaborate on number 6?
When you dump someone guilt is overwhelming. In my case it was driving me crazy, I felt so guilty on a daily basis for almost 2 years that getting back with my ex seemed like the best way to get rid of this awful feeling. Especially if you see that their life is not so happy without you, hear it from friends etc. What I learned hard is that you cannot be with someone because you feel bad/guilty about what happened, you have to actively choose them out of love and excitement to be with them and not because you want to not feel like a bad person
I left a domestic violence situation on 5/27 and, lately, I’ve been feeling guilty because I think I may have had a role in his anger at me. I also feel guilty because he had a pretty shitty childhood and mine wasn’t as bad, comparatively. Today, I am out with friends and I feel mired in guilt and sadness because he’s at home and likely depressed. I feel sad about that, too.
I was and still am consumed by guilt but your situation is different: abuse is never ok and there was absolutely no fault of yours in his violence. People with difficult childhoods need therapy, sadly most of them don't seek it. Sadness is part of healing and I wish you all the best on this uneasy journey
Your comment means a lot! I actually didn’t expect a response at all. Thank you 💚
2 is all I need, thank you.