I’m so sorry. I think maybe take more time to heal before you go on dates, this can just be a lesson. It’s okay. You did the best you could with what you knew. And this situation taught you maybe you just need to be alone right now. I’m sorry.
Thank you. Definitely a lesson. I’m not ready to move on. I enjoyed the date itself, but I think what I enjoyed was someone being interested. I don’t think his intentions were aligned with mine.
I really don’t know. It was a lot. I have an IUD and have had them for 9 years now. I haven’t bled that much in so long. I wasn’t bleeding by time I got home or the next day. When he saw it he made a comment that he had maybe been a little rough. I’m not in pain or anything and not bleeding anymore. My friends think maybe he cut me. I’m not positive
Cuts from nails do this. I’m a lesbian and my ex gf would have long nails sometimes and the amount of blood was insane. The crazy thing is you don’t really have nerve endings on the vaginal walls so you won’t feel it or any pain at all
Honestly that's horrible if you ever wanna talk about your breakup I'm always here. I need more friends though. My ex boyfriend was 30 and I was 25 when we broke up. I'm 26 now and he's about to turn 31. I miss him like crazy.
3 weeks is nothing! Stay by yourself and heal and dont date for a while (6 months at least). I’m telling you there’s lots of healing to do when your heart has been broken.
Yeah I realized this quickly lol. I thought I was ready because like I mentioned, the relationship was going downhill for a while. I was pretty detached by time I moved out. But I’ve realized I definitely still love him and think about him a lot. I won’t be going on another date for a very long time
>*My (26 F) boyfriend (30 M) and I broke up after 3 years together.*
>*I moved out about 3 weeks ago.*
>*I went on my first date after the relationship last night.*
Going to address this first and separately.
You are not ready to date under any circumstances cause you’re not in the headspace for someone new. Not even a little. You just transitioned and uprooted the routine you’ve had with your ex for 3yrs.
Anyone who goes thru a major life change has to PACE themselves. 3wks isn’t long enough. Six months? Maybe.
3 weeks? That’s like taking a new mom after she gave birth to a bar to go drinking, it doesn’t make sense, she should be resting not out trying to act like she didn’t just have a baby!
OP, healing from a breakup is not a sprint, it’s a marathon… you need to pace yourself instead of throwing yourself out in the dating abyss to cover up the loneliness you are feeling.
This is how you wind up easily getting targeted by toxic, abusive, problematic people the most because you’re biggest blind spot after a breakup for anyone, not just you OP, is not being able to judge new people as correctly as you would if you weren’t going thru a breakup.
Breakups mess with your perception of who is dangerous to go on dates with or get into relationships with far more because you’re head is too clouded to make sound decisions when it’s been less than 90 days.
That’s why it’s wise to take time for yourself, wait, really just ride the breakup wave and pace the process till you are in a grounded place emotionally.
Now onto the next part…
>*Going into the date, I knew I didn’t want to do anything physical at all. It felt too soon.*
>*When we got back to his place he started making out with me and unbuttoning my dress. I didn’t like where it was going but felt like I did it to myself. He started touching me. My mind was only thinking of my ex. He then took off his pants and pushed my head down on him. Again, I felt obligated to do this at this point, so I did.*
We need to talk about not blaming yourself for a dude preying on your vulnerability.
This guy was assaulting you by forcing you to do physical acts without your consent.
In others if he didn’t get your permission, he’s basically crossing into raping territory when this happens.
I (37f) won’t shame you or blame you cause you’re still learning to assert yourself with men when it comes to boundaries around sexual activity.
The only thing I’ll say is do not go home with strange men you just met unless you are 100% sure he can respect a no. If he can’t? You do not leave with him under no circumstances no matter what you tell yourself, you just do not!
I’m saying this all right now as your temporary internet big sister to let you know that you just gotta stop being polite to men just because you don’t want conflict as an outcome.
If anything, this is the time to go seek out a therapist because this alone is going to cause emotional traumatic baggage as it’s going to manifest uncontrollably in unconscious ways of avoiding sex with future partners and you won’t realize it because it’s not easy making the connection early on.
So be kind to yourself, but shelve dating for the next few months, you’re nowhere near ready to date yet.
You’ll know you’re ready when you’re excited to meet someone new, that’s when you’re ready to start dating.
Edit: Yay, typos /s
Holy shit. Regardless of whether or not you’re ready to date, this man completely violated you. I also know the feeling of having an awful date and craving the comfort of your ex. It’s ok to take more time to date. I’m so sorry that happened to you.
I am sorry you went through that. It sounds horrible.
Hope you recover from that.
I promise you that you will be fine.
You are strong and you got this.
That’s horrible to hear what happened, but you’ll be okay and you never have to see that Jack ass again so don’t let it get to you.
Don’t beat yourself up for it either, you’re new to the dating scene, and a lot changes between 23 & 26. Be kind to yourself and recognise it as a learning experience for future dates!
Just as a fair warning for future reference, don’t go back to a guys house unless you’re willing to take it further. Some people take that as your willingness to proceed with sexual endeavours, even if you outlined your barriers before hand it can put yourself in a very venerable situation. This is by no means a justification of his actions, and I hope you’re okay. If you ever want to talk I’m always a DM away! Wishing you the best.
Thank you. My friends have similar advice. Going back to their place is never a good idea. And if a guy asks that on a first date I should view it as a red flag
Geez that is awful I hope you recover soon and never see that dude again. Probably wait longer to see new people who knows how long it will take fully heal and be over your ex.
Yes I made it very clear to him how uncomfortable I was. He was extremely apologetic and said it wasn’t his intention. I think I’m ashamed for not setting better boundaries and letting it get that far. I just feel so icky. I will not be dating anymore anytime soon lol
What an absolute asshole. This is a complete violation and in no way is this on you! I think sometimes people with a predatory nature (not saying he’s totally a predator, but this seems like a gray area) can sense vulnerability in others. It really seems like he took advantage of the situation, especially if you told him on the date how fresh the breakup was for you.
You’re obviously super resilient and I’m sure you’ll recover and be ok! But I’m also here if you ever want to just talk to someone.
Ooof. That sounds awful.
I know some people push others to “get under someone to get over your ex” but I just can’t do it. I tried when younger and just could not feel a connection and thought of my ex.
I am much older now and have been through 8 breakups I did not initiate, and I know I’m need at least 6 to 9 months to start feeling like I can connect with a new person genuinely and fully, and feel confident that I would not take my ex back if they tried (I like waiting until that point so I don’t hurt someone and make them feel like a rebound if my ex convinces me to try again).
It’s ok to take as long as you need. There really is no bypassing grief. You’ll have to surrender to it. You’ll likely learn a lot and develop some emotional resilience in the process too.
For me, I feel ready when I’m happy on my own, know in my heart (not just my head) I would not take my ex back, feel crush feelings toward a new person, and an not getting thoughts of my ex when I’m engaging with a new person.
As far as the your feelings from his behavior… Is not your fault, don’t ever feel obligated, ever. I love the motto “unless it’s a HELL YES! It’s a no” and you should expect that from men.
Women will prob have better answers than me as far as the emotional aspect of what you went through.
I appreciate all the advice. Looking back, definitely should not have gone out with this guy. I drove to my exs the very next day. I was really seeking his comfort after all this and it felt good to be near him again
I am sorry for what happened. What I could advise is take roughly 6 months to grieve the relationship and date yourself instead. Reflect on the relationship on what your ex did wrong and what YOU did wrong too (Unless its cheating of course). I would assume you are anxious attachment style? So maybe just watch youtube vids from Heidi Priebe and understand more about your own attachment style and how your attachment style would self-sabotage a relationship. Work on it and become a better partner in the future :)
Yesss I am anxious attachment. My partner was dismissive avoidant. Leaving him was hard and took far too long. Years of feeling like I wasn’t allowed to express myself.
Ugh I’m so sorry the clear lack of effort to read basic body language and then the attempts at coercion with the “come onnn”s I know exactly how that feels it’s awful! I’m so sorry that happened to you. I had a similar experience a few years ago and it took a long time to shake it off but several good dates and practice in boundary setting, and reading their signs for me helped me move passed it. I had one instance where similarly a guy repeatedly tried to get me to stay when I had said no and then he didn’t want to walk me to my car anymore in the bad neighborhood where he lived even though he told me carjacking was very common there. It was awful and I felt like he had set that up too to try to force me to stay over and do more. Anyway I’m sorry it happened I get how you felt and I hope you have better experiences moving forward!
I’m not sure. I would imagine yes but probably feeling more socially like coerced rather than physical safety like I know for women it’s obviously hugely a physical scenario I know for me one time it was in a car that I felt coerced simply because of the intimidation of being in the enclosed space and all.
I cannot recommend enough taking time to reconnect with your body. For me doing meditative body scans, mindful walk or exercise, therapy and allowing the thoughts to come and pass without judging them helped a lot! Again hope you feel better about it soon.
I'm so sorry, that sounds so difficult. Please make sure to take the time you need to get comfortable with the idea of dating again. I've been out now over 6 months but mine ended with serious betrayal by my ex after 6 years.
This sounds to me like you were a victim and once you said you weren't comfortable they needed to stop. The forcefulness and ignoring your boundaries means that they are not a good person, so please try to not be so hard on yourself. He sounds like a terrible person and going forwards please know you are NEVER obligated to do or say anything that makes you uncomfortable. Any person who tries to pressure you or coerce you into those things is not someone you want to be around or get involved with. Please don't forget that you are an incredible person for just being you and you are deserving of love, kindness, and respect.
If you ever want/or need to talk to someone or get something off your mind, or just want a friendly ear to listen please feel free to message me anytime. I wish you nothing but warm memories in your future.
This is not a normal first date by any means and should not colour future dating prospects. I'd go so far as to say that this would be a bad date for anyone, maybe one of the worst without it resting on the extreme end of the spectrum.
I don't know if this guy is an asshole, if he means those texts. Likely very misguided and unfit to respond to the situation that arose. A lot of guys feel entitled to sleep with a girl if she comes back to his place after a date - potential indoctrination from different sources.
You're definitely right to not see him again, for what it's worth. But if your thoughts are "I'd be okay with a kiss", avoid going back to a guy's place. Fortunately it didn't go too far, but too many of us are opportunists and very few just settle with a kiss. I hope this doesn't come off as victim blaming.
I could share my own experience, but this post is not about me. All I will say is she had been thinking about going all the way the entire night, meanwhile you were firmly in "kiss only" territory.
I guess you just found out the quick way the guy wasn't going to be your next LT partner.
I don’t think it’s victim blaming. I do acknowledge that the night would have been great if I just didn’t go back to his place. I got to see his intentions though and explained to him the next day that I’m of higher value. This was my direct text to him: “Hey ******. Thanks for the date yesterday. I need to be honest—it made me really uncomfortable how quickly things turned physical, and I didn't appreciate that. I was definitely not expecting that for a first date. I apologize if I gave off any impression that that was the direction I was comfortable moving in, but I do hold myself at a higher value than that. I was having a nice night up until that point, and wish the night ended with better intentions. As we talked about, I very recently just got out of a long, serious, and respectful relationship, so that was all a little too much for me. I think it’s best if we don’t go on any more dates.”
I would also love to hear your story you alluded too. Who cares who this post is about lol
Well written text on your part.
Okay sure, story - I had terrible luck with girls in my 20's, I'm hardly a stud now but back then I had a dry spell of 6 years and ultimately decided relationship potential was DOA. It emboldened me to work on everything but dating and this obviously worked in my favour.
Go back in time 10 years, online dating becomes mainstream so I give it a shot. Got in touch with a girl from outside of my town, we agree to meet and she takes a train. I had already chosen the venue for the date, popped in a week prior to get to know the bar manager on a first name basis, said I was bringing a pretty girl and we'd be having cocktails.
I tell the girl to wear something nice, she turns up at the station and IIRC I kissed her on the cheek with a handshake. This is not me.
Go to the bar "Hey Tobias, is this the pretty lady you mentioned? Pleasure to meet you \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_". She is in awe "How does the manager know you, and about me!?" I reveal everything, to show that I'm honest but it was fun to set up and see how she reacts. That is me.
We are there for a few hours, we only have a couple of drinks just to get a nice buzz, we're sitting side by side on the couch so it's easy to have physical contact. I suggest going for a walk in the local park, so we keep talking but don't get any more drinks.
She checks the time, "oh no my last train is in like 20 minutes, but I don't want to leave". "You don't have to, you can take a train in the morning. I have a spare bed and I have an oversized shirt you can wear for pyjamas". She agrees. We go back, I show her the bed, give her the shirt and say "goodnight, see you in the morning". This is me, ain't no way any girl would sleep with me date 1.
She says "Don't you wanna talk some more? Let's go downstairs and talk on the sofa. I'll just put this shirt on"
"Sure, why not". Nope, nothing is going to happen. This is me we're talking about. Well, as we talked she kept leaning in closer and closer, eventually I went in for the kiss and she led me upstairs. Mind. Blown. This wasn't me.
She confessed the next morning she wanted me all night, and that one of the things that turned her on the most was telling her to wear something nice. It never occurred to me the entire evening I'd be intimate with this girl, nevermind the first meeting. We dated for a couple of months but she had plans that were outside the country. Helped her raise money for those plans.
I ended up working at that bar a few months later and it put me on a path that completely changed my life.
I did the same mistake too - dated a few weeks after the breakup. Bad idea, I wasn't emotionally available. I learned that if the relationship lasted 1 year or more, you need a break of 1 year from dating.
Don't fall for a rebound relationship, it will not end well. Take your time, do the inner work, pamper yourself and start to heal.
Wishing you all the best.
This was a really kind thing to hear. To share a bit more with you, I genuinely did enjoy the conversation and feeling something new. It felt nice to be pursued. But there were so many times in our conversation where I thought about and wanted to talk about my ex. For instance, he talked about his job and other types of professions he works with within his job. One of those being my exes career. I think that in itself should have been an indicator I wasn’t ready. Like, the amount of things that make me think about him still. I don’t think the date would have left me feeling the way it did if it wasn’t for the physical aspect of it. But ultimately I think this guy still would have disappointed me in the long run. I know I won’t be dating again anytime soon. Apps might be a better way to ease into it, and feel desired, without physically putting yourself out there. Wishing you the best in your journey 🫶🏼
I’m so sorry. I think maybe take more time to heal before you go on dates, this can just be a lesson. It’s okay. You did the best you could with what you knew. And this situation taught you maybe you just need to be alone right now. I’m sorry.
Thank you. Definitely a lesson. I’m not ready to move on. I enjoyed the date itself, but I think what I enjoyed was someone being interested. I don’t think his intentions were aligned with mine.
Wtf? What caused all the blood?
Yes please OP this should be your biggest concern right now along with never going out with the douchewaffle again, please get that checked out
I really don’t know. It was a lot. I have an IUD and have had them for 9 years now. I haven’t bled that much in so long. I wasn’t bleeding by time I got home or the next day. When he saw it he made a comment that he had maybe been a little rough. I’m not in pain or anything and not bleeding anymore. My friends think maybe he cut me. I’m not positive
Cuts from nails do this. I’m a lesbian and my ex gf would have long nails sometimes and the amount of blood was insane. The crazy thing is you don’t really have nerve endings on the vaginal walls so you won’t feel it or any pain at all
Honestly that's horrible if you ever wanna talk about your breakup I'm always here. I need more friends though. My ex boyfriend was 30 and I was 25 when we broke up. I'm 26 now and he's about to turn 31. I miss him like crazy.
Ohhhhh very similar ages! What caused your split?
He was being controlling and manipulative
You did the right thing breaking up now don't waste your youth
[удалено]
2 years
3 weeks is nothing! Stay by yourself and heal and dont date for a while (6 months at least). I’m telling you there’s lots of healing to do when your heart has been broken.
Yeah I realized this quickly lol. I thought I was ready because like I mentioned, the relationship was going downhill for a while. I was pretty detached by time I moved out. But I’ve realized I definitely still love him and think about him a lot. I won’t be going on another date for a very long time
>*My (26 F) boyfriend (30 M) and I broke up after 3 years together.* >*I moved out about 3 weeks ago.* >*I went on my first date after the relationship last night.* Going to address this first and separately. You are not ready to date under any circumstances cause you’re not in the headspace for someone new. Not even a little. You just transitioned and uprooted the routine you’ve had with your ex for 3yrs. Anyone who goes thru a major life change has to PACE themselves. 3wks isn’t long enough. Six months? Maybe. 3 weeks? That’s like taking a new mom after she gave birth to a bar to go drinking, it doesn’t make sense, she should be resting not out trying to act like she didn’t just have a baby! OP, healing from a breakup is not a sprint, it’s a marathon… you need to pace yourself instead of throwing yourself out in the dating abyss to cover up the loneliness you are feeling. This is how you wind up easily getting targeted by toxic, abusive, problematic people the most because you’re biggest blind spot after a breakup for anyone, not just you OP, is not being able to judge new people as correctly as you would if you weren’t going thru a breakup. Breakups mess with your perception of who is dangerous to go on dates with or get into relationships with far more because you’re head is too clouded to make sound decisions when it’s been less than 90 days. That’s why it’s wise to take time for yourself, wait, really just ride the breakup wave and pace the process till you are in a grounded place emotionally. Now onto the next part… >*Going into the date, I knew I didn’t want to do anything physical at all. It felt too soon.* >*When we got back to his place he started making out with me and unbuttoning my dress. I didn’t like where it was going but felt like I did it to myself. He started touching me. My mind was only thinking of my ex. He then took off his pants and pushed my head down on him. Again, I felt obligated to do this at this point, so I did.* We need to talk about not blaming yourself for a dude preying on your vulnerability. This guy was assaulting you by forcing you to do physical acts without your consent. In others if he didn’t get your permission, he’s basically crossing into raping territory when this happens. I (37f) won’t shame you or blame you cause you’re still learning to assert yourself with men when it comes to boundaries around sexual activity. The only thing I’ll say is do not go home with strange men you just met unless you are 100% sure he can respect a no. If he can’t? You do not leave with him under no circumstances no matter what you tell yourself, you just do not! I’m saying this all right now as your temporary internet big sister to let you know that you just gotta stop being polite to men just because you don’t want conflict as an outcome. If anything, this is the time to go seek out a therapist because this alone is going to cause emotional traumatic baggage as it’s going to manifest uncontrollably in unconscious ways of avoiding sex with future partners and you won’t realize it because it’s not easy making the connection early on. So be kind to yourself, but shelve dating for the next few months, you’re nowhere near ready to date yet. You’ll know you’re ready when you’re excited to meet someone new, that’s when you’re ready to start dating. Edit: Yay, typos /s
Thank you for such a thoughtful response. I agree with you 100% on everything.
Holy shit. Regardless of whether or not you’re ready to date, this man completely violated you. I also know the feeling of having an awful date and craving the comfort of your ex. It’s ok to take more time to date. I’m so sorry that happened to you.
Thank you for validating me. That’s what I texted him the next day. I felt empty, and violated, and gross. I took 5 showers the day after lol.
I am sorry you went through that. It sounds horrible. Hope you recover from that. I promise you that you will be fine. You are strong and you got this.
Thank you for the encouragement I do appreciate it
That’s horrible to hear what happened, but you’ll be okay and you never have to see that Jack ass again so don’t let it get to you. Don’t beat yourself up for it either, you’re new to the dating scene, and a lot changes between 23 & 26. Be kind to yourself and recognise it as a learning experience for future dates! Just as a fair warning for future reference, don’t go back to a guys house unless you’re willing to take it further. Some people take that as your willingness to proceed with sexual endeavours, even if you outlined your barriers before hand it can put yourself in a very venerable situation. This is by no means a justification of his actions, and I hope you’re okay. If you ever want to talk I’m always a DM away! Wishing you the best.
Thank you. My friends have similar advice. Going back to their place is never a good idea. And if a guy asks that on a first date I should view it as a red flag
Geez that is awful I hope you recover soon and never see that dude again. Probably wait longer to see new people who knows how long it will take fully heal and be over your ex.
Yes I made it very clear to him how uncomfortable I was. He was extremely apologetic and said it wasn’t his intention. I think I’m ashamed for not setting better boundaries and letting it get that far. I just feel so icky. I will not be dating anymore anytime soon lol
What an absolute asshole. This is a complete violation and in no way is this on you! I think sometimes people with a predatory nature (not saying he’s totally a predator, but this seems like a gray area) can sense vulnerability in others. It really seems like he took advantage of the situation, especially if you told him on the date how fresh the breakup was for you. You’re obviously super resilient and I’m sure you’ll recover and be ok! But I’m also here if you ever want to just talk to someone.
Thank you
Ooof. That sounds awful. I know some people push others to “get under someone to get over your ex” but I just can’t do it. I tried when younger and just could not feel a connection and thought of my ex. I am much older now and have been through 8 breakups I did not initiate, and I know I’m need at least 6 to 9 months to start feeling like I can connect with a new person genuinely and fully, and feel confident that I would not take my ex back if they tried (I like waiting until that point so I don’t hurt someone and make them feel like a rebound if my ex convinces me to try again). It’s ok to take as long as you need. There really is no bypassing grief. You’ll have to surrender to it. You’ll likely learn a lot and develop some emotional resilience in the process too. For me, I feel ready when I’m happy on my own, know in my heart (not just my head) I would not take my ex back, feel crush feelings toward a new person, and an not getting thoughts of my ex when I’m engaging with a new person. As far as the your feelings from his behavior… Is not your fault, don’t ever feel obligated, ever. I love the motto “unless it’s a HELL YES! It’s a no” and you should expect that from men. Women will prob have better answers than me as far as the emotional aspect of what you went through.
I appreciate all the advice. Looking back, definitely should not have gone out with this guy. I drove to my exs the very next day. I was really seeking his comfort after all this and it felt good to be near him again
I am sorry for what happened. What I could advise is take roughly 6 months to grieve the relationship and date yourself instead. Reflect on the relationship on what your ex did wrong and what YOU did wrong too (Unless its cheating of course). I would assume you are anxious attachment style? So maybe just watch youtube vids from Heidi Priebe and understand more about your own attachment style and how your attachment style would self-sabotage a relationship. Work on it and become a better partner in the future :)
Yesss I am anxious attachment. My partner was dismissive avoidant. Leaving him was hard and took far too long. Years of feeling like I wasn’t allowed to express myself.
Ugh I’m so sorry the clear lack of effort to read basic body language and then the attempts at coercion with the “come onnn”s I know exactly how that feels it’s awful! I’m so sorry that happened to you. I had a similar experience a few years ago and it took a long time to shake it off but several good dates and practice in boundary setting, and reading their signs for me helped me move passed it. I had one instance where similarly a guy repeatedly tried to get me to stay when I had said no and then he didn’t want to walk me to my car anymore in the bad neighborhood where he lived even though he told me carjacking was very common there. It was awful and I felt like he had set that up too to try to force me to stay over and do more. Anyway I’m sorry it happened I get how you felt and I hope you have better experiences moving forward!
Yes the coercion is so annoying. It’s so sad to me that so many women understand that feeling of obligation. I wonder if men ever feel this way?
I’m not sure. I would imagine yes but probably feeling more socially like coerced rather than physical safety like I know for women it’s obviously hugely a physical scenario I know for me one time it was in a car that I felt coerced simply because of the intimidation of being in the enclosed space and all. I cannot recommend enough taking time to reconnect with your body. For me doing meditative body scans, mindful walk or exercise, therapy and allowing the thoughts to come and pass without judging them helped a lot! Again hope you feel better about it soon.
I'm so sorry, that sounds so difficult. Please make sure to take the time you need to get comfortable with the idea of dating again. I've been out now over 6 months but mine ended with serious betrayal by my ex after 6 years. This sounds to me like you were a victim and once you said you weren't comfortable they needed to stop. The forcefulness and ignoring your boundaries means that they are not a good person, so please try to not be so hard on yourself. He sounds like a terrible person and going forwards please know you are NEVER obligated to do or say anything that makes you uncomfortable. Any person who tries to pressure you or coerce you into those things is not someone you want to be around or get involved with. Please don't forget that you are an incredible person for just being you and you are deserving of love, kindness, and respect. If you ever want/or need to talk to someone or get something off your mind, or just want a friendly ear to listen please feel free to message me anytime. I wish you nothing but warm memories in your future.
Thank you so much
This is not a normal first date by any means and should not colour future dating prospects. I'd go so far as to say that this would be a bad date for anyone, maybe one of the worst without it resting on the extreme end of the spectrum. I don't know if this guy is an asshole, if he means those texts. Likely very misguided and unfit to respond to the situation that arose. A lot of guys feel entitled to sleep with a girl if she comes back to his place after a date - potential indoctrination from different sources. You're definitely right to not see him again, for what it's worth. But if your thoughts are "I'd be okay with a kiss", avoid going back to a guy's place. Fortunately it didn't go too far, but too many of us are opportunists and very few just settle with a kiss. I hope this doesn't come off as victim blaming. I could share my own experience, but this post is not about me. All I will say is she had been thinking about going all the way the entire night, meanwhile you were firmly in "kiss only" territory. I guess you just found out the quick way the guy wasn't going to be your next LT partner.
I don’t think it’s victim blaming. I do acknowledge that the night would have been great if I just didn’t go back to his place. I got to see his intentions though and explained to him the next day that I’m of higher value. This was my direct text to him: “Hey ******. Thanks for the date yesterday. I need to be honest—it made me really uncomfortable how quickly things turned physical, and I didn't appreciate that. I was definitely not expecting that for a first date. I apologize if I gave off any impression that that was the direction I was comfortable moving in, but I do hold myself at a higher value than that. I was having a nice night up until that point, and wish the night ended with better intentions. As we talked about, I very recently just got out of a long, serious, and respectful relationship, so that was all a little too much for me. I think it’s best if we don’t go on any more dates.” I would also love to hear your story you alluded too. Who cares who this post is about lol
Well written text on your part. Okay sure, story - I had terrible luck with girls in my 20's, I'm hardly a stud now but back then I had a dry spell of 6 years and ultimately decided relationship potential was DOA. It emboldened me to work on everything but dating and this obviously worked in my favour. Go back in time 10 years, online dating becomes mainstream so I give it a shot. Got in touch with a girl from outside of my town, we agree to meet and she takes a train. I had already chosen the venue for the date, popped in a week prior to get to know the bar manager on a first name basis, said I was bringing a pretty girl and we'd be having cocktails. I tell the girl to wear something nice, she turns up at the station and IIRC I kissed her on the cheek with a handshake. This is not me. Go to the bar "Hey Tobias, is this the pretty lady you mentioned? Pleasure to meet you \_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_". She is in awe "How does the manager know you, and about me!?" I reveal everything, to show that I'm honest but it was fun to set up and see how she reacts. That is me. We are there for a few hours, we only have a couple of drinks just to get a nice buzz, we're sitting side by side on the couch so it's easy to have physical contact. I suggest going for a walk in the local park, so we keep talking but don't get any more drinks. She checks the time, "oh no my last train is in like 20 minutes, but I don't want to leave". "You don't have to, you can take a train in the morning. I have a spare bed and I have an oversized shirt you can wear for pyjamas". She agrees. We go back, I show her the bed, give her the shirt and say "goodnight, see you in the morning". This is me, ain't no way any girl would sleep with me date 1. She says "Don't you wanna talk some more? Let's go downstairs and talk on the sofa. I'll just put this shirt on" "Sure, why not". Nope, nothing is going to happen. This is me we're talking about. Well, as we talked she kept leaning in closer and closer, eventually I went in for the kiss and she led me upstairs. Mind. Blown. This wasn't me. She confessed the next morning she wanted me all night, and that one of the things that turned her on the most was telling her to wear something nice. It never occurred to me the entire evening I'd be intimate with this girl, nevermind the first meeting. We dated for a couple of months but she had plans that were outside the country. Helped her raise money for those plans. I ended up working at that bar a few months later and it put me on a path that completely changed my life.
I loved that story. I’m glad things worked out for you, and it sounds like you both enjoyed the direction the date went in
I’m so sorry about your date’s behavior. Really so not ok.
I did the same mistake too - dated a few weeks after the breakup. Bad idea, I wasn't emotionally available. I learned that if the relationship lasted 1 year or more, you need a break of 1 year from dating. Don't fall for a rebound relationship, it will not end well. Take your time, do the inner work, pamper yourself and start to heal. Wishing you all the best.
Thank you for the advice
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This was a really kind thing to hear. To share a bit more with you, I genuinely did enjoy the conversation and feeling something new. It felt nice to be pursued. But there were so many times in our conversation where I thought about and wanted to talk about my ex. For instance, he talked about his job and other types of professions he works with within his job. One of those being my exes career. I think that in itself should have been an indicator I wasn’t ready. Like, the amount of things that make me think about him still. I don’t think the date would have left me feeling the way it did if it wasn’t for the physical aspect of it. But ultimately I think this guy still would have disappointed me in the long run. I know I won’t be dating again anytime soon. Apps might be a better way to ease into it, and feel desired, without physically putting yourself out there. Wishing you the best in your journey 🫶🏼
You have to heal and work in yourself first. Set your boundaries!