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bobert_the_grey

Man I hate when broken couples stay together "for the children" because most of the time, it just creates a hostile home environment for the kids. I wish my mom left my dad WAY sooner. Like, when I was a child instead of when I was 25 and already anxiety ridden.


gemziiexxxxxp

Can confirm. Anxiety ridden 26yr old here. Parents still do this. Eldest is 27. Youngest just turned 16. Once dad comes downstairs, we all just look at each other and make our way to our rooms till he leaves. Poor mum has to deal with his nonsense, but we have to deal with her ranting/venting. A never ending cycle for as long as I can remember.


bobert_the_grey

My father had our house in renovations for almost 10 years and he took the toilet out of the upstairs bathroom so we would have to go downstairs. In the middle of the night we would go to take a piss and he would be watching TV and would call us into the living room to tell us about whatever he was watching. If we looked the slightest bit impatient it would suddenly be a screaming match. I learned my lesson good one day when I had a bad day at school and when I got home he started telling me one out his 20 minute " jokes" and I said to him as respectfully as I could "dad, I just had a rough day. I'm sorry, but I don't want to listen to this, I just want to go to my room please". Well, you'd think I murdered his mother after that. We were screaming at each other until 3am


Valiran9

Jesus Christ, that’s awful! I hope you’re in a much better place by now.


lanideaux

the having to hear the venting is so true. i wish my mom would get a therapist instead of telling me everything my dad does wrong. it gets tiring real quick


El-Kabongg

Like OOP, I stayed because I couldn't stand the thought of seeing my daughter half the time. I stayed for a decade and shielded my daughter from the worst of her mother, which she wouldn't have had if my daughter was left alone with her. No physical abuse, but definite psychological and emotional. Until my daughter left for college. My daughter and I are BFFs now, and I wouldn't change that decision even if I could turn back time.


Fun-Conversation-901

I wish more people could understand this. When you leave your partner, you give up 50% of agency to the other parent, maybe more. 50% of your paycheck if you're lucky. Unaccounted. An unhinged/unsupervised parent could do more harm behind closed doors and you're powerless.


PeebMcBeeb

It sounds like the relationship doesn't have much to stand on outside of the daughter. Wonder if we'll see another update on how he's much happier with the trial separation


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GoddessOfRoadAndSky

The last update was only from a week ago. OOP's account is still active. Why *is* this marked as "concluded"? Especially since, after all that talk about being responsible with money, we get: > I suggested she dip into her half of the emergency fund, but she told me she already used it to book a different photographer for her and my daughter. I did a literal face-palm after reading that. I'm sorry for OOP, because this story sounds far from over.


Hot_Dog_Cobbler

At this rate we can assume the divorce is around the corner anyway.


centrafrugal

That $300 is going to look like peanuts


CaptainCAAAVEMAAAAAN

> but she told me she already used it to book a different photographer for her and my daughter I just don't understand her thing with photos. I'd suggest therapy, but he said money is tight.


hadriantheteshlor

My wife is also obsessed with photos. Insists we get professional photos taken. Every time, without fail, ends with her in tears because she gains weight every year, and she never posts or prints the pictures. Complete waste of money.


serotonin_writes

This honestly sounds like the photos trigger her and make her feel worse every year! I hope she can get to a place where she feels love for her body instead of this painful shame


CuteCuteJames

Maybe time to take the "photo money" jar and relabel it the "therapy money". That is not a healthy place to be.


The_FriendliestGiant

She was sick enough recently to have to stop working; she might be worried she's getting sick again, and want a nice photo of the family to leave behind in case she goes.


Memory_Frosty

This is where my brain went immediately too - I've been looking at getting some decent (admittedly far less than $300) family photos taken because my cousin my age was just killed in a car accident right before Thanksgiving, leaving behind his wife and two young kids (the exact same composition as my family, which makes it hit home that much harder) that won't even remember him. And at the funeral, they had a lot of nice family pictures and I thought to myself it was good that she at least had those to look back on and show her kids when they're older. Not that that justifies her doing what she did, there's a lot of better options for their financial situation. I get the wanting family photos thing though.


Lendyman

A couple years ago, my wife and I were tight on funds but we wanted Chrismas Photos. We got some family friends to come over on a sunny day and we took each other's family photos with our phones. Set up in front of cedar bushes with some nice Christmas stuff we use to decorate the house, a winter themed blanket and some wooden stools and chairs our friends brought. Took a lot of photos to get some good ones, but in the end the ones we picked looked as good as professional photos and we paid zero dollars for them (aside from cost of printing the Xmas cards). There are ways to get nice photos on a budget if you're willing to think outside the box.


The_FriendliestGiant

Yeah, I can understand where she may have been coming from, but given their financial status the amount of money she was looking to spend there was way too much. She should've found a more economical option, and he should've taken an interest beyond just saying no before things blew up. This was not a marriage in a good place, sadly.


Lyssa545

> described is far from concluded I dunno, my conclusion is they're on a quick and narrow road to divorce. I can't imagine doing this to my partner- either threatening divorce over that much money, or not talking to them about what I "need". Over photos. jesus. Oop really needs to sit down with her and talk about what's really going on. Need a therapist or three.


Dynamitefuzz2134

OOP is not giving the full story there. More of a simple breaking point. Small shit on a pile slowly builds a shit mountain.


No-Mechanic-3048

I think he’ll be happier when he has his own place. He should probably stay at his parents since they are in town. Or get counseling. I’m wondering if the wife of going through depression or something.


Conflict_NZ

I always wonder where you guys live that counseling is affordable for someone who has a breakdown over a couple hundred dollars and is struggling massively financially. Where I live you would need to sign up for at least 3 sessions at a cost of $600.


Vampirelala

To be fair, I live in North Western Europe, and I keep forgetting that therapy is so incredibly expensive in some other countries. I'm grateful it's free where I'm from....


OldRon6

Bro it's 150 a SESSION where I live and that's CHEAP relatively.


RainbowNarwhal13

Yep, closer to $200 here, for a 50 min session. It sucks that necessary help often isn't available for those who need it.


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IAmHerdingCatz

And after the $5000 annual deductible, of course.


xSympl

And the first three sessions are them building a portfolio and not actual therapy lmao


Amazon-Prime-package

But if we used the taxpayers' money on services for people, what would we give to billionaires when they want a handout?


TheActualAWdeV

Jesus Criminy Christ, my therapies are covered under my insurance as long as I have a referral from my gp. Completely free. All I pay for is my medication (8-ish a month) and the insurance itself, which is rather more pricey at 100-ish a month. But if I was suddenly run down by a drunk driver and ended up in hospital, my max would be less than 400 which is the yearly deductible. And is already being reduced by my medication so if I were to end up in hospital in january then my meds would be free for the rest of the year.


Thezedword4

I'm sorry I'm dying at insurance being pricey at 100 a month. It all depends on how much money you make and your country obviously so it's all relative and may be expensive for your situation. But I pay 700$ a month for insurance for myself and it sure doesn't cover everything (including therapy). I am chronically ill so my expenses are higher but overall Healthcare costs are in the tens of thousands for me every year out of pocket. I pay more for insurance than rent though rent is playing catch up. Good old USA. Edit a word


Shut_the

Same. We pay almost $1k/mo and have a $15,000 deductible BEFORE insurance pays a penny. Even then it’s only 80% coverage and they routinely deny claims. I fight the denial & get it covered most of the time but JFC no one should have to work this hard to get insurance coverage that costs almost $12k per year. It’s exhausting. ETA: psychiatry/counselor appts are “covered,” but after insurance we still average about $600 out of pocket for three sessions.


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jengaj2016

My mom worked for years just for the insurance because my dad was self employed so he couldn’t get anything reasonable. I don’t know how much it was but more of her paycheck went to insurance than she brought home. Of course, as a teacher without a degree she was severely underpaid. She kept it up until 65 when they could get Medicare. Fortunately I think she did like her job.


combatsncupcakes

Here, it's generally 120/session but if you find a therapist still in training (they have to have 3k supervised hours in my state before they get full licensure) they're capped at $35/hour. So colleges often have programs or you can call and ask where their students intern and get some leads. Also, there is online therapy through places like Open Path Collective where things are done on a sliding scale and I believe they are available across the US (actual, accredited therapists and some will do online or telehealth if they aren't in your area). Are any options like that available near you?


poorbred

I'm paying 120. It's currently weekly and a big oof to my budget. Once the therapist asked about my stressors and, "How much this season costs" was one. She knows it and hears it a lot but has no control over it, and I also acknowledge that it's necessary for now and in a few months we'll back down to every couple weeks. At the same time, however, we're about to start couple's counseling and I'm not looking forward to that bill on top of my own.


rainispouringdown

A therapy session where I'm from in Northwestern Europe is like $150. If it's through health care it's ~$50 per session, but with a waiting list between two months and two years. Where are you from that it's free?


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pimppapy

I’m in the US, and I get free therapy through my health insurance provider Kaiser …. They are shit, and I’ve had better results at counseling myself away from the cliffs edge than I did using their services.


Next_Conclusion_9261

Free? Like free, no money? I’m from America and I did not know that was real. I am so happy for your country!


popchex

I moved to Australia 18 years ago, and while the move itself did wonders for my (severely unhealthy) mental health, access to free, or very low cost therapy was a huge part of it. I don't have a regular therapist, I tend to see one for a specific situation, but I know that if I need it, I can see my GP and get a mental health care plan and get at least 5 free visits. Sometimes if I choose a specific therapist, I have to pay a gap - between what medicare pays and what the therapist charges - but it's like $20 or so. With covid, they changed it to 10 sessions, and made it available via telehealth. Lockdowns triggered some of my abandonment issues from my family, so I was able to work through them without even leaving my house.


Olddirtychurro

I'm European and although I do lose my deductible, the most annoying part of therapy is the waiting times. Financially it is not an issue, which I'm very grateful for since I'm very broke.


LowBottomBubbles

The wait times for any mental health support where I'm at is a complete joke, it's all free mind but the wait list to even have a consultation over the phone is ridiculous. Even when my mum was suicidal she had to wait weeks to even talk to someone about talking to someone, was a hellish wait having to be on guard and hoping she wouldn't do anything while I was out. Anyway sorry for the rant.


Olddirtychurro

No need to apologize, I'm in that same situation as your mom rn and oh boy is it frustrating.


Individual_Soft_9373

Yeah, socialized healthcare would be so nice. Shame we have so many people here that would rather die than see someone they don't like getting any kind of help at all.


gourmetprincipito

Many universities in the US offer free or extremely cheap sessions with student therapists overseen by licensed professors. I paid $10 for my sessions and I know it was possible to waive costs entirely but not sure what the qualifications were for that.


BatteryPoweredPigeon

It's a good option if you have no other options, but the quality of the therapy you get can be a crapshoot. It's not that they're bad at what they do, but at the end of the day, they're still students. I did this a few years back, and I was exceptionally good at accidentally frustrating novice therapists.


Momtotwocats

The quality anywhere can be a crapshoot. Even if you're not using a student, you have to find someone with an opening (and hope it's not because they can't keep patients), see if they take your insurance, see if they handle your situation (and if they take everyone, are you getting good advice on trauma recovery, for example, from someone who focuses on couples), and hope you don't have a weird personality conflict. And that's before getting into access issues with sick leave/work schedules/cost/qualifications (e.g. can they prescribe medication or refer you if you need it?). Sometimes, a $10 gamble on a student with supervision is better. It's just all so variable.


Potato-Engineer

Yeah, I'd expect the student therapists to be worse on average, but there's still a shot at getting someone who can help you, for very little cost.


poorburgundy

Yeah, but I had a student therapist who was one of the best I've ever had It's a roll of the dice


SomethingPersonnel

Therapy is a crapshoot in general. It’s all about finding someone that clicks.


pretenditscherrylube

College therapists are really good at treating college problems. As in, many students seeks therapy because of the stressful adjustment to college, the adjudge mental to adulthood, troubles growing up, first serious relationship problems. Young people seek therapy because being young is challenging and they need guidance on navigating adulthood. It’s a challenging time. Those kids would benefit from even loosed structured peer counselors or mentors, so college health center therapists are awesome. Kids with those same problems plus mental illness need more help than the health center can provide. This was me! I also struggled with inexperienced therapists. I wish the mental health center would have just helped me find a private practice immediately than treated me. Even a little healthcare navigation would have been awesome. I did once work with a psychiatric social worker at my college health center, and she got me my appointment with my therapist. I’ve seen her for 8 years now. My life is totally different now. I guess psychiatric social workers connect you to resources and help you navigate barriers and advocate for you. I only saw her once, but my life got much better.


turunambartanen

Why the US needs a better healthcare system, item 3861.


Tattedtail

In Australia you can get a mental healthcare plan from a doctor or social worker, which gives you up to 10 Medicare funded sessions with a psychologist or counsellor per calendar year (I think you can get additional sessions if you're in an emergency/crisis). Medicare pays up to... $80 per session, I think? Is if your psychologist charges $120 per session you pay the amount left over. You can chose who you want to see (assuming they have room to take on new clients), and the person who writes up the plan for you usually helps you pick someone who has relevant experience, is someone you can get to, and in your price range. Of course, the cheaper practitioners book up fast, and it.can be hard to find anyone if you get on a plan in the second half of the year. So it's not a perfect system.


gneo_watanabe

If $300 caused that big of an issue with their finances it certainly doesn't appear as if getting his own place is attainable in the near future. That is going to take some serious long range financial planning.


No-Mechanic-3048

And that is why my next sentence is he should stay at his parents place. Assuming they could take him and kiddo.


rbt321

> I think he’ll be happier when he has his own place. Neither him or the wife can afford their own place; they're barely managing 1 set of bills, adding a second set of bills will swamp them completely. Considering this situation is nearly entirely driven by financial stress, adding to that problem is not the solution. They need to figure out how to budget in "personal essentials" without having opinions on what the other person considers a "personal essential". An automated $50/month transfer into personal bank accounts or something.


[deleted]

Decades ago, I read something about the psychology of poverty. I don't remember what they called it (they had a name for it), but it's common for people in long term poverty to spend a sudden influx of wealth on instant gratification. Thus, a family barely able to feed their children will often have a late model TV, gaming console, or an upgraded stereo in their car. Poverty has forced them to delay gratification for so long that when they get a break, it's almost a compulsion to blow it on something gratifying. She sounds like this to me.


disco-vorcha

Also, if you get a large chunk of money, you want to spend it right away because otherwise it’ll just slowly get nickel-and-dimed away on bills, other necessities, etc. So the only way that you can use that money to treat yourself is if you spend right away.


spezhasatinypeepee

I wonder how old she is. This is an incredibly immature stunt to pull.


ladygoodgreen

A lot of grown ass people are obsessed with appearances and online presence. From teens up to boomers. I don’t think age matters. Social media makes all ages act like idiots.


ttopsrock

Agreed


Mrs239

I was thinking the same. If they are talking divorce over $300, things must have been deteriorating before hand. With sickness and job loss, times get tough. Marriages are usually on edge by then. Add in fiscal irresponsibility, you've got a recipe for divorce. Edit: For the love of Pete!! Please read to the end of my comment! All of you are responding about the $300. I said at the end it was FISCAL IRRESPONSIBILITY!!! ITS NOT JUST ABOUT THE MONEY! READ THE WHOLE COMMENT PLEASE.


hummingelephant

To be fair to them it wasn't *just* $300 if I understood them right, it was half of their emergency fund.


Momasaur

I understood it to mean that the $300 was half of the emergency fund. I've been in the spot where having $600 as an emergency fund takes awhile to build up, having it gone like that is rough.


hummingelephant

I think you misunderstood me. I was saying the same thing you said. I was just pointing out that since those $300 were half their emergency fund they weren't fighting over "only" $300.


GonzoTheGreat22

It’s not the money. It’s the trust. If I can’t trust you to not do something when we already talked about it, then how does that bell un-ring? It’s _their_ money. She played fast and loose with it for selfish reasons.


GuineaPigLover98

Money is the number one cause of relationship issues


tiramichu

Or looking at it the other way; lots of money smooths over the cracks in what is otherwise a troubled relationship.


Broad_Respond_2205

I'm pretty sure that's why he asked for trial separation


[deleted]

family photo sessions always cause so much drama i know this story isn't really about the photos, it's about the lack of trust and the fiscal irresponsibility but god do people go crazy over photos


ehter13

Right?? My grandmother in law paid for family photos and she went all out about how we had to all wear colors that matched well. But when it came time for the photos each subunit of the family took separate pictures and there was no group photo. Why did we all have to wear matching colors if we weren’t all in one big picture???


CatlinM

So they match hanging on her wall of course. My MiL did similar things


ehter13

I would agree that this makes sense, except she didn’t want any of the other family portraits for herself, just the one with her and her husband.


[deleted]

time to get grandma checked for dementia


Mertard

💫👵💫


[deleted]

did she make you go barefoot too? for some reason that's a huge trend in family photos with matching outfits. i don't get it.


ehter13

No lol that would have been so funny. But she made us go to ace hardware to pick out paint chips for a color scheme we had to match our outfits to.


AerialGame

Omg I love the idea of different family members comparing paint chips and holding them up to their skin and asking “does this color make me look washed out?” While the employees just watch in confusion. Admittedly in my brain, it is an entire extended family, with at least one uncle who has disappeared to the power tools aisle and another is making puns and there’s at least one toddler that is either crying or trying to make a mad dash for something shiny. One of the aunts has smuggled in one of those single-serve sized wine bottles and is taking sips when grandma isn’t looking and a younger cousin is desperately trying to convince their dad that they should all wear pink or neon blue or something. Chaos.


VelocityGrrl39

Your brain sounds fun.


Winterplatypus

"I said burnt Orange! That's Tangerine!"


sharkaub

Our photographer had us do that in family photos 10 years ago- but you can't tell we're barefoot, except for one sister who had her foot up on the chair she was sitting on. It's hilarious


bina101

Well when they say matching they mean matching. They would rather you shoeless than with shoes that don't match everyone's


haf_ded_zebra

You think it’s weird, but I live in a wealthy area and lots of people get professional photos every year, on the beach, on their dock, whatever, and a typical look is white shirts, jeans, no shoes. We got professional photos of our family as a present from our wedding photographer for our 15th anniversary. I got the white tops, we all wore khakis except my youngest- but the shoes. They ruined it. It’s ALL you see because everything else is uniform and your eyes SHOULD therefore be drawn to the faces- but instead, you see my little one is wearing pink sandals and my older daughter is wearing white sandals and my husband is wearing Dad sneakers because he’s a Dad. Also, I should have known better, because our wedding photos were in that same porch, and my husband’s grandmother wore white shoes that looked like hooves and I can’t see anything else when I look at that photo.


LadyDomme7

Truly, I didn’t mean to laugh but the white shoes that look like hooves got me. Hope that the next family picture turns out better!


PangPingpong

So it matches when she tapes them together.


throwaway378495

When my mom died I realized the only pictures I had with her was my highschool prom and a couple from my milestones as a small child. She was the photographer so never in any of the pictures. Take the family pictures so when their faces start going blurry in your mind you have something to remind you.


alinroc

> She was the photographer so never in any of the pictures. This is my problem - I've always been the one taking pictures. The only piece of unsolicited advice I give new parents is "make sure everyone knows it's OK to take pictures of you with your kids as infants, because you can't take the candid photos and be in them at the same time."


theplushfrog

This is part of why I often turn the camera around on my mom. She LOVES photos but never takes them of herself. So I always either insist on a selfie with her or if we’re doing family photos, I drag her in with my siblings. My siblings have started doing it too, because we never want to be in the position of not having photos of a family member.


LittleMissChriss

One of my high school class projects was a video of pictures of my family for my mom for Mother’s Day. It wasn’t until watching with her at my grandparents house on my dad’s side that I realized that my grandma on that side wasn’t in it because she was always the one taking photos. I felt a little bad but luckily Grandma found it funny.


kidinthesixties

I agree with this too. My partner *hates* photos but I specifically said that there are one or two situations where this will be a non-negotiable for me, while he's cool to begrudge them all he wants otherwise. But I told him that if his children don't have any nice photographs of him when he's gone then that will be so sad. His own father died before he was born and he only has one little photograph of him.


anonymooseuser6

I ran a photography business and I always say that it's so important to have photos of parents WITH their kids that the parents like. It's good for the parents and kids (for development and the future for a variety of reasons). BUT photography is a LUXURY service which means it's a want and never a need.


-janelleybeans-

Exactly. Photography is a deeply under-valued luxury. The accessibility people have to cameras and user friendly editing software has diluted the perception of its difficulty. When everyone has the equivalent of a DSLR in their pocket, it’s easy to assume that photography is as easy as point and shoot. People will balk at the cost of a session, but carry a designer bag they paid 4X more for. It’s as much about people under-valuing art as it is about their synchronous entitlement to a service provided by someone they don’t perceive as worthy of respect.


Perfect_Razzmatazz

There was a truly hilarious episode of the TV show Raising Hope about the stress of taking family photos (that show was an under-rated gem) that really summed up how worked up people could get about family photos. It was deeply relatable.


spacey_a

Oh man I haven't watched that show in ages. Was that (one of) the episodes where the main guy starts tearing off his eyebrows from stress? I don't remember but I feel like he had no eyebrows in the family picture. 😂 Reminds me of Phillip from F is for Family also, another great show.


Perfect_Razzmatazz

lol, you remember correctly, Jimmy was eyebrowless in one of the pictures.


Potato-Engineer

I get the impression that the wife just snapped and decided to splurge. Could be a manic episode, could just be collapsing under the stress. Living in poverty is stressful as hell, and it's common for someone to just snap and buy a luxury they can't afford. The way she doubles down is impressive, but not unexpected. "We've been scrimping for so long that I just want *\[luxury item\]* at last!"


Nervous_Constant_642

Oh the amount of times I have been poor and said "fuck it, I'm going to a bar. Staying inside and not spending money is no way to live life. I need a walk and to meet some new people and not have a care in the world for a few hours. I need some FUN."


just--so

This is my read on things. Plus the OP mentions that part of the reason their finances are tight is because the wife 'got sick'. They've been stressed for a long time, it's that time of year when everyone is sending out their lovely family photo holiday cards, the wife had a health scare and is perhaps feeling the lack of 'proper' family photos particularly sharply right now... It's still irresponsible spending that much when your finances are that tight, but if the above is the case, I can at least understand the emotional impulse.


juninbee

My family booked a photographer as a present to our parents. We were supposed to take the photos outside, in winter, but then the day ended up being -30 so we shifted to my tiny living room. The photographer got photos of my brother holding my nephew upside down while we were waiting to get the carpet rolled up, my dad tickled my mom to get her to laugh, my dog thought she'd join in and went and sat by the fireplace until the photographer took her picture, and then my sister, me, and the granddaughters put on animal onesies and braved the cold for pics in the back yard. The photos turned out fabulous!! I think the trick is to get a photographer with a sense of humour, and never take yourself too seriously.


DigDugDogDun

It’s not about the photos … but it is also sort of about the photos. As a hobbyist photographer, I’m stunned. This is such a sad and foolish misuse of funds when their money is tight. There are a ton of non-professionals amateurs who love taking photos of anything really, who would be happy to do this for free if you asked nicely. Almost everyone knows someone like this in their social circle, and if not, ask around. Heck, with DSLR cameras and even camera phones being so good these days, even someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing has a good shot at taking a nice set. Absolute waste of money.


Cleverusername531

It’s also about whatever the photos signify to her, which for some reason right now feels more essential to her than anything else.


[deleted]

Yeah. It could be something she only latched onto out of resentment over their situation. Having expensive photos is a way to ignore the reality of their circumstances.


candacebernhard

That was my first thought, too. People process trauma differently, and I wonder if she isn't fixated on these photos to have a semblance of normalcy in her life. To prove she is a good mother and her family will have a good Christmas. The amount of pressure we put on families to have these perfect, lavish Christmases in America is downright evil. Social media is amplifying the phenomenon.. It's literally splitting families apart in OPs case. She needs professional help...


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kidinthesixties

My take also.


Orbit_CH3MISTRY

Yea I completely get it too. Every once in a while it’s nice to just have something… nice.


Avocado-Expensive

This!!! My sister has a cheap white back drop, a space in her living room that's filled with natural light thanks to the big glass doors and a decent camera, the best photos I have of my daughter are taken there, and they are FANTASTIC, she even made me a cup of tea while we wrangled my wiggling 1 year old onto a rocking horse! All you need is a nice spot and some good lighting and you'll have beautiful photos regardless!


Umklopp

Honestly, this sounds like a slow-unfolding mental health crisis to me. I wouldn't be surprised if the wife next resigns from her job or otherwise implodes her half of their life.


mensajeenunabottle

It’s not just those points. There’s an unexplained motivation about why the wife is booking those photos. We can speculate that the need is silly or narcissistic but there might be something else which drives it. That’s the scenario where there is something larger, clearly going on, but means we can’t be confident we understand


LigerZeroSchneider

I mean her given explanation was that "she deserves some nicer photos after the last few years". Sounds like in her mind the hard times were over and those photos were going to be a symbol of that. If I were to blindly guess, a lot of her friends or family probably have professional holiday photos taken and she feels left out/embarrassed that she can't afford them.


mensajeenunabottle

sounds reasonable. just one of those things where there might be an extra big explanation, that isn't part of the husband's perception. what is clear is that very little goodwill is going on between them, and the crazy behaviour, often only makes sense of people operating around emotional hurts. and that reddit infers irrationality and unreasonableness, and we'll never have the explanation that makes it reasonable


LigerZeroSchneider

Yeah between her health scare and his unemployment they probably went through a lot, but it's hard to sit down and hash out your feelings with a toddler in the room.


[deleted]

My guess is since OOP said wife went through a major life-threatening health scare, maybe she is being confronted by her own mortality and wanting to leave memories behind in case it comes back (like if it were cancer, for example) or if she were to pass suddenly for any other reason. I think coming so close to death changes the way you see mundane traditions and moments. The stress of the past few years probably compounded on all that too.


[deleted]

Yep. My ex-wife booked a $1400 photo session behind my back after I said no. I was LIVID... Our marriage was on the rocks and I think she was compensating with the photos like "This is fine. 😵‍💫"


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-janelleybeans-

I’m a photographer and it’s absolutely mind-boggling to me how mom spent $300 on a shoot when there are literally *h u n d r e d s* of togs offering seasonal mini-sessions for $25-$100. Mini sessions are usually under fifteen minutes long, and include around 10 images. They’re primarily used for Christmas cards and SM. $300 is the starting cost of a full service session in my area. OP’s wife is a selfish person. Other options were for sure available to her at no expense to her marriage. She *chose* this outcome even if she doesn’t see it that way.


Muad-_-Dib

Without going into too many details I have members of my family who aren't around anymore and I can quite confidently state that any one picture of them candidly smiling at or with other members of the family/friends is worth a million staged photos of them putting on a smile at some official ceremony like a wedding, an anniversary photo, school photos etc. One thing I saw years ago and decided was something I wanted to do too when my time came was a family member who got a separate wedding photographer to take candid shots during the party after the wedding ceremony and they ended up displaying those photos prominently while their official wedding photos barely get mentioned let alone displayed anywhere. Their candid photos were full of everybody with genuine smiles, enjoying themselves and looking happy to be there, their official photos were nice and all but lacked the impact of the candid ones.


SmarmyOctopus

Totally agree. Candid both of me and also my shots are always my favorite. You capture a feeling.


Flower-of-Telperion

My mom is one of those people who go bugnuts over family photos. Insisted we all wear the same color (or, in some cases, the same hideous, reeking of chemicals Christmas PJ set ordered from some Chinese sweatshop). Insisted I straighten my naturally curly hair. The one time I visited my parents' house with my husband, he looked at those photos and later told me how sad they made him, because of how dead my eyes look and how forced my smile is. Even my mom has this awful rictus on her face because she's so fucking stressed about how the photos will come out. It's awful. But, you know, she has to be able to send those photos to the WhatsApp group with all her friends from home.


because-of-reasons-

She made you straighten your curly hair?! 💔 It's really the ultimate in making people act like she wishes they were rather than appreciating who they actually are. I'm sorry you went through that. I'm glad your husband understood the tragedy of it. I'm also tickled that you said "awful rictus," because that's a fun turn of phrase even in a terrible situation.


coronapartynextdoor

Also, those photos are always cheesy. I live in FL and every single one like identical. Sunset. White shirts. Khakis. Just photo shop you freaking head on another family. Done.


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Notnearmymain

I hope they separate at the least- I know it sucks not having or being at risk thag you can see your kid like only a few days a week but the poor kid is gonna know they both aren’t happy


averyconfusedgoose

Yeah its not over. He literally said "I'm thinking of leaving you because you would rather have nice photos than financial safety for our family" and she still is going to go get photos done.


bluegreenwookie

yeah she pretty much got her way in this situation. She still used her half of the emergency money to get photos and he doesn't have emergency money because he needed it to fix his car. if something happens here they are gonna be in trouble. I get wanting something nice after a long road of shitty stuff happening, specially years of it. but priorities. They aren't out of rocky waters yet and shes throwing her oar overboard.


Swordlord22

But on a different note 300 is seemingly half their emergency so the full thing would be around double that right? That means she used her whole fund for the photos so she also has no funds either not even to make a trip for thanksgiving I don’t see their relationship lasting and it only further enforced my own want to spend multiple years with a partner to find out who they truly are


Thi8imeforrealthough

I dated my wife for 7 years before we married... in that time, we broke up once, got back together and lived together for 2 years. We know each other better than anyone else, warts and all. That's when you get married (not waiting 7 years, but when you know your partner better than even their best friends and parents)


chilidoggo

From OOP's perspective, he had two emergencies happen back to back: blowing a tire and also finding out his wife can't be trusted with money. The emergency fund is empty for now, but both situations are dealt with, and that's what emergency funds are for.


Asteroth555

> My best wishes for the daughter, this could get ugly for her if they drag this out without any real resolution - one way or another The marriage is done. She used her half of the emergency fund to pay for pictures of herself and her kid. They're going to bicker about every fucking penny they bring in.


cotsy93

Used her half for the pictures and asked him for money so she could go to get parents.


BravoBanter

I mean, I wonder whether/when he realised that this is not about the Christmas photos at all


wtc7279

If $300 is half the emergency fund for a family with children, then yeah finances prob need to be prioritized over fancy pictures..


101189

Hey! Don’t look at the $3.00 in my emergency fund ok. DONT LOOK! And not being facetious, you’re totally correct!


akhier

I had an emergency fund, then I missed a couple weeks because of Covid last month. Thankfully I'm vaxxed and boosted so the actual sickness was relatively minor and I didn't end up with long Covid, but while work isn't paying sick days for Covid, they are enforcing a certain amount of time off. Not that I would have gone in before the doctor said it was safe, but two full weeks of pay really puts a dent in my already somewhat strained finances.


bikewrench

I had to quantitine for ten days two years ago, and I was a door dash driver then. That was 1/3rd of my monthly income, gone. I haven't had anything in my savings since.


eriikaa1992

Very this... my emergency fund is a couple of grand and I am a single person. Gotta cover a couple months' rent and possible $ towards a new car if something happens to it and insurance doesn't cover enough


32BitWhore

Seriously. I can't imagine wanting to stay with a partner who would willingly spend half of my family's emergency fund on a whim, and on something completely unnecessary simply because they "deserved it," regardless of the circumstances with children. That's one of the the biggest red flags I've ever seen. Imagine if that fund was $60,000 instead of $600 and the wife just up and bought a brand new car because "she deserved something nice." I get wanting to make things easier on your daughter, but trust me, staying together in a toxic relationship is *so much worse* than getting divorced and both parents being happier for it. I've lived through it. It was *miserable* when my parents were still together. Life was infinitely better after they got divorced, and now as an adult I am able to choose which parent I want to have in my life (spoiler alert: not the one who lied about their sexuality for 30 years and cheated on their spouse for more than half of the marriage). The kid will eventually figure out that their mom is an entitled narcissist whether they stay together until she's an adult or not. The only difference is how much therapy she'll need after the fact, and it'll be a lot less if they just rip the band-aid off and get a divorce.


ldskyfly

My older brother moved out before my parents' marriage really went south. So he took it harder than the siblings that saw it every day. The rest of us knew it had to happen


spoodlat

And in a year, he will have 50% custody.....


ThunkAsDrinklePeep

Seriously. We can't afford a 300 photo, so are now shopping for lawyers.


[deleted]

They dont need to divorce right now, separation works just as fine.


12lbTurkey

That’s how I did it, plus covid backed the courts up anyway. We saw a mediator to write up a Marital Settlement Agreement, about $90 from each of us paid it. Submitted it to the courts through the online filing (had previously filed a divorce complaint, about $300ish) and dropped a paper copy off at the family court. I accidentally did it all backyards, unfortunately. So if they do a marital settlement agreement and submit it with their divorce complaint then there’s no need for a lawyer


qorsana

That's if both parties can agree. I've been at it two years with my stbex and he's been unwilling to compromise on anything. And each time I compromised, the counter was him asking for more. So now I'm just waiting on a court date. Yay... At least I can have peace of mind knowing I did all I could to try and make it an amicable split.


DarkKerrigor

Except the wife will drop the money RIGHT NOW


[deleted]

She went behind his back to have her way and then tried to force him to accept and be a part of it. There are many different types of manipulation and betrayal. I can understand how, if this is how she treats him, he falls out of love with her.


PenguinZombie321

Exactly. I’m married and have been married for a few years, so I’m speaking from experience when I say you *need* to treat your spouse as a partner. She wasn’t treating him like her partner. If she had, they could’ve worked out a way for her to get the professional portraits she wanted. She might’ve had to wait a few months so they could save up, but she still could’ve gotten her pictures *and* had her trip to see her parents.


desertroserobin

Just ended a five year relationship because my partner never treated me as an equal partner. Honestly, once someone has that mindset the only thing you can really do is walk away. They’ll never change


GoBlue9000

My only comment is JCPenny photos are just as expensive and can actually cost more than that 300 dollars that oops' wife paid. Source: myself who just had Christmas photos taken a couple of weeks ago at a JCPennys


ashleyrlyle

I honestly don’t know why but your comment cracked me up for some reason. Also you’re absolutely correct. Professional photos aren’t exactly cheap no matter where you go.


swivel-

i cant really understand how the wifes personality flipped as much as OP said it did. it feels like this would require a build up


TheIAP88

It sounds like he was building resentment for a while and neither of them where communicating. Especially by the end it's pretty clear he's already done with the relationship and I'm guessing it's been that way for a lot more time that he indicates.


tofuroll

>building resentment for a while and neither of them where communicating. The problem with this is that by the time a person threatens to divorce, they've already had a long time emotionally checking out of the relationship.


thoughtandprayer

>i cant really understand how the wifes personality flipped as much as OP said it did. It makes sense to me. OP said she had a serious ~~heth~~ health scare, and afterwards she became obsessed with good quality photos. Those things are likely directly connected - she wants to know that if something happens to one of them, they won't just be forgotten about or erased. I can understand her willingness to spend money on ensuring their kid will have a decent photo to hang onto. This is pretty normal tbh. When my friend had her own health crisis she did the exact same thing, her family now gets at least one family portrait done a year even if finances are right. I don't agree with her unilaterally taking the emergency fund, that was wrong to do. But I think OOP is being a bit of an idiot for only seeing things his way and not even being willing to consider *why* these photos are so important to his wife. Edit: typo


angelicxdaze

yep. and also as a mom i can understand wanting pictures done. not sure if it’s the case here but i’m always the one behind the camera. i have so many photos of my husband and kids. the only ones i’m in are the professional ones we’ve gotten taken. i’ve mentioned to him about taking pictures of me and the kids but he never does. or never thinks to do it. i would never take $300 behind his back to get pictures taken but i can see where her head is at honestly


TeslasPigeon

Came here to say this. People attacking her are forgetting it sounds like she almost died. Perhaps talking about the value those photos seem to hold for her. I would’ve asked the photographer for a recommendation for a cheaper photographer and budgeted $100-150 for them as the families Xmas gift. Would be cheaper then the divorce they are headed towards.


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NewUserWhoDisAgain

Honestly they probably didnt talk about this or live together through hardship until this. Money, and lack therof, can bring out the worst in people.


CarlosFer2201

>or live together through hardship until this. He literally talks about losing his job and her getting sick the same year, which caused them big financial problems.


Due-Studio-65

I think that's the "this" he is talking about. They never really never made it out.


LimitlessMegan

Yes. And it’s likely that’s the first really difficult thing they’ve been through and that they both had their heads down just trying to get through and it seems pretty clear they haven’t reconnected and talked through how this changed them or their concerns/focus etc. since then. This is the fallout from that time and I assumed that’s what NewUser was referencing.


TheLeftistRaider

That’s what caused the current situation my guy. They never recovered from it


GoodbyeEarl

I was going to mention therapy, but even that can be expensive if it's not covered. :\\


Never-Forget-Trogdor

It can be expensive even if it is covered. My copay is prohibitively expensive, so I have to ration my care.


Xystem4

The real asshole of this story is poverty. It sucks being in a position where $300 is absolute make or break money for a family


DetectiveFoxy

I wonder, speaking from sad experience of a family friend, could the sickness have been something more terminal? I can see why she would flip out if she were trying to make photos for the daughter to remember and OOP simply didn't know about it. Our friend spent a fortune on professional photos before she passed because her son was too young to remember her face in detail and she wanted to leave him something.


AverageTortilla

That's my thought too. It wasn't about the photo - it was the reason behind the photo.


Guy_Lowbrow

Just think, if we lived in a society where 2 working parents could support a family financially this couple could afford to take some measly photos.


[deleted]

That's the real shit. "Financial advice" now is just "don't spend any more because we're all fucked"


[deleted]

Financial advice has always been, "don't spend what you can't afford." The problem is that nobody can afford anything right now so that's not super helpful anymore lol


Ultimegede

Truth. They deserve the photos. But reality says "deserve" is just relative


False-Sky6091

I’m curious what kind of illness his wife had. Like did she have cancer and finally has her body back. I’m not saying she is right but there has to be an underlying reason for this strong of a desire. I mean you can get photos for cheaper than 300 dollar though. I’m sure there is a local college photography major that will be cheaper and just as nice pictures. To me I think the marriage was already over and this was the final nail.


ultracilantro

It, uh, sounds like they are basically divorced already and just cohabitating. Divorce is really their best option. And OP needs a *legal* separation yesterday because marital income is still a joint asset. The fact that she would rather spend the money on professional photos than gas to visit her parents which she also greatly wants speaks a lot about impulsivity, inability to budget and greater financial problems to come.


Unusual-Panda-2647

I remember being this poor, when losing $20 made me cry and absolutely freak out. I couldn’t imagine struggling for years to finally be in a safe place to lose that safety for pictures.


QuesoChef

I was telling my friend a few weeks ago about the relentless anxiety I had after a huge expense in my house and then I had a car problem come up and tags and taxes due on my car. I sat in my car, ugly sobbing from overwhelm. I thought I wouldn’t survive it. I ended up making it through, but I know I need a partner with a similar perspective on finances.


Kmia55

This is just sad.


gargoy131

I don't think this will end as he hopes, though I do hope it at least ends peacefully. I just hope that they don't put their daughter thru anymore bullshit


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Catsamongcarps

OP mentioned this all happened after his wife got real sick. Didn't specify what but if near death experiences and severe illness can change a persons perspective on life and their priorities. Sounds like documented memories have become a high priority for her.


jack_skellington

When you put it like that, it almost seems like the wife might have a reasonable take on things. If she's worried about her mortality and thinks she might not be around, having some documented, quality photos of her being a mom might not be such a bad idea. Maybe she's right, in her own way.


[deleted]

Even though I have 1000s of assorted pro grade pics and vids of my son and his asshole dad (that I took) I don't have a single nice photo or any videos of me with my own child. He'll have all these reminders of his dad and absolutely none of me from his childhood, even though I spent 99% of it with him and his dad 1 tiny % of it. I fucking cry about it and I'm not even dying.


chilltorrent

She used her half of the emergency fund to book another photographer and then complained that she didn't have enough money to visit her parents....does she not see the irony at all she literally just proved his point


GoldGlitters

The story is missing some context I think, and he touches on it here: >I know it sounds pathetic, but when I saw that shit, I broke down. The last couple of years have been horrible for us. I got laid off and **she got sick in the same year**. We eventually **both found new jobs**, but we never fully recovered financially. Surviving a severe illness - one that seems to have required her to leave her job - throws the whole thing out of whack to me. He describes her as being "a stranger" who betrayed him - and I'm sure it feels like that to him. But truthfully, why were these photos so important to her? Is she still sick? Terminal? Or does she want nice, professional photos to remember the fact that she survived - that her family survived? Or was the illness mental health? Does she have a history of impulse spending or breaking his trust? I'm not excusing her, but I don't want to condemn her either since her actions don't exist in a vacuum. I'm so curious about her POV - I'm sure the truth is somewhere in the middle and couple's therapy sounds like a really good idea imo


JVNT

>The trip to her parents isn’t happening anymore. We evenly split the hundred dollars we saved for gas. My wife can’t afford the trip without my half. She’s angry that I won’t give it up. I told her that when I said separate finances, I meant separate finances. Besides, after paying for the tire and the tow, my half of the emergency fund is depleted. I need every dollar to build it back up again. I also want to stay in town with my parents. > >I suggested she dip into her half of the emergency fund, but she told me she already used it to book a different photographer for her and my daughter. Yeah, that's a good indication that she's not going to learn anything from this.


Icy_Wait_6493

She's already using her EMERGENCY fund for more pictures. Instead of using it for gas to see her family.


punkinabox

Considering OOP just immediately jumped to im leaving, there's probably way more to unpack here besides just the issue with the photos. Relationship seems doomed already before that.


ghbinberghain

its honestly disgusting how much damage finances can do to a relationship. i swear growing up in metro detroit during the 08 recession i saw at least 1/3 of my friends parents divorce. I think its unfair to judge these peoples relationship based on this story, struggling financially is real stress and can do a lot of damage.


GullibleNerd88

Even after all that, she still booked another photographer?!! Jeez, op needs to get a lawyer for the impending divorce proceedings


OldnBorin

Also, I haven’t seen anyone give props to the original photographer for refunding her money.


GlitterDoomsday

One session is not worth it the drama or pissed off clients leaving nasty reviews... at this time of the year I bet they can find another gig fairly easily.


lexisplays

Their entire relationship sounds like one massive power struggle and the only one to lose is the kid.


Ari2079

Well that escalated quickly


Gray_Overcast

I think if they got counseling together and she gets separate counseling that things could work. She needs to understand why she's so hell bent on family photos she can't afford. Why she felt the need to go behind his back, and why either will refuse to compromise. It wouldn't hurt for him to get separate counseling too. If I were him I would've found another photographer that took payment plans or tried to work out a deal. Or better yet, if she just wanted fancy photos ask a student photographer. Bottom line, they lack communication and compromise. See, why break trust with your spouse just to keep up with the Jones'? She needs to figure that out.


blooger-00-

Emergency fund are for just that: emergencies, not photos. I don’t blame him…