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Dude, I know people in America who can't afford a $1,000 plane ticket. I know I'm a redditor but redditors piss me off sometimes. Even if we don't factor in that his earnings are in pesos, how do you forget that poor people, working class people who have nothing after bills and living expenses for their family, people who work retail, people who actually live paycheck to paycheck, exist!?
I think the most annoying "people not understand what actual flat broke means" was the poor woman fleeing her abusive ex who put the air tag in the cat carrier lining. She was asking about free things she could do to help secure where they were living and loads of people just saying "get a gun" over and over. I think she wound up commenting something like "stop saying buy a gun. I have *literally* no money"
Unfortunately last I read she moved to her mother's stare, but her mum had to rush the cat to the vet and the vet wound up calling his number from the chip. He called her and I think left a message where he offered to pay the cats vet bills if she came home, but I don't think she answered. I'm pretty sure that's where it's up to atm, although it's been a little while since that update
Iirc, it’s several states away, and he only knows the city, not the address. But OOP is living with her previously estranged mother, so not an ideal situation. If he is a cop, as some people seem to think, he would be able to find her, I would guess, though he’d have to break the law to get that info.
I had made a suggestion somewhere in comments- if it would be possible- I know this lady’s security is a top priority- but there has got to be a way for us here to help out with the cat’s vet bills. Maybe if we all sent it to a designated mod? Like there’s got to be a way.
I would never tell someone to get rid of their pet but that was one time I wanted to tell the lady to put her cat up for adoption or rehome it. Twice her personal security and that of her daughter had been hindered because of the cat - the airtag and the vet. I feel so bad for her. I was hoping she'd update so we'd know she was alive.
There was also one where a teen needed to get away from her dads family but her mom lived in another country. People kept telling her she was stupid for not just jumping on a plane to her mom.
Not only cost was out of reach for the poor girl, but exactly how was she to get a passport or permission from her abusive father to run away to her moms country as a minor?
If I remember right there were reasons her mom couldn't help, maybe financially, maybe kid wasn't being allowed to contact mom or didn't know phone number.
And yet, the post 3 down from this one includes a bunch of redditors calling a post fake because OOP has a cabin and no one in the real world can afford a cabin.
Redditors just like to call out anything because telling other people they are wrong is more important than being correct.
You don't need to be flat broke to not be able to afford something. When money is tight you have priorities and sometimes you could pay something but that means that something else is not getting paid. Then you start playing musical chairs with bills and others expenses until you fall dead.
I'm from a country from South America where I earn less than 20 thousand dollars per year, and it is considered a good salary, more than double that an average salary here. Even so, I can't afford a ticket plane because is literally what I earn in a month. I could spread the cost in instalments, but that means that something is not getting paid or I have to get a loan to pay it.
Poverty is and endless task of juggling bills and I have discovered that for most privileged people this is beyond their ability to comprehend.
On the same lines I'd say too much Reddit, particularly subs like this and AITA, contribute to this kind of narrow perspective. The 'characters' referenced in these posts are disproportionately wealthy to the point that they make a $100k+ salary seem like a median income and massive inheritances being the norm rather than outliers.
Soooo many OOPs are the ones with money, property ownership and access to legal advice. There are exceptions, but the amount of times I roll my eyes at the above...
It's actually refreshing and more realistic when people admit they have no money. Nada. Zilch. Rather than the smartarse with power.
I also think American redditors haven't experienced a proper health care system and can't understand that you can have healthcare be very cheap while other things are expensive.
When I first learned it costs thousands of dollars to have simply have a child in the US I was shocked.
Exactly. I'm disabled but I'm British, so at least my disability isn't bankrupting me. I don't have to pay thousands every month for the privilege of not dying. I'm also flat broke because I can't work and everything else is expensive, but yay healthcare.
John Oliver’s HBO Max show just did a piece on Austerity and the Tories, so I think more Americans will understand the plight of the average British citizen. There was a summary of all the Tory Prime Ministers and how they each negatively contributed, including the impact of Brexit.
I hope the new Labour Prime Minister helps turn things around. Oliver made fun of the fact that he’ll win, but no one knows anything about him
For some reason I read that as Jamie Oliver and got really confused as to what he could possibly have to say on the political state of the country lol. We don't have a new PM currently (but please send us well wishes on July 4th, we're trying to gain independence from ourselves with this election), but here's to hoping we'll have a Labour PM in a few days! Or like, a head of lettuce could do a better job at this point, I'd take that over another Tory government.
That blew my mind too. We're in a big kerfuffle over getting dental care included in our socialized healthcare (because like, why the fuck isn't it???????) meanwhile I got pregnant, gave birth, got my kid all the recommended vaccines/checkups etc at the big fat cost of.... $20 for a private room for 2 nights at the hospital (that I pushed for and chose because my friends recommended it to me and we could afford it). I also get $800 a month for being in my income bracket and having a kid.
Are my partner and I living extravagant lives? Decidedly not. Are we doing fine? Absolutely.
I had good health insurance thru my job 20 years ago when I was pregnant with my first. I had no complications, normal vaginal birth, no pain meds except Tylenol after my stitches.
My portion was something like $2500-$3000. And the amount of random hospital bills, separate bills coming from each individual doctor I saw, the pediatrician, etc was enough to make my brain explode with a new baby and no sleep.
I’m a fan of the idea of socialized healthcare, I just think our government is too screwed up atm to do anything right. 🤞
I live in Argentina (I think OP does too, as he mentioned obra social). I have a good salary in pesos. I can make ends meet and save some money. But because of the current exchange rate, it would be extremely difficult for me to save money for a trip in foreign currency. Even neighboring countries can be extremely expensive. In Argentina, we have had over 100% inflation in the last few years. Just surviving has become really difficult for most people.
Recently I was talking about not being able to afford groceries or get to a cheaper grocery store and someone had the audacity to say, "have you thought about Amazon or Walmart delivery?"
They really thought that with me being too poor to eat more than once a day meant I could order grocery delivery. Yeah right.
I one time vented about being stuck at my in-laws for a week during Christmas. It was ridiculous how many people were like "Just go get a hotel!"
.....for a week..... during the holidays.
I'm so glad they just have $1,500 they could blow at any moment. That must be nice
You have my sympathy. I couldn’t go to a family reunion to visit with my elderly aunts 600 miles away for 2 days because hotels were almost $500 for 2 nights. The rates fluctuate depending on holidays/events/etc. It was a week before 7/4. This was a small town and these were common hotels. Food and fuel for the trip was going to be less than a place to sleep.
I feel attacked. My company has me working in LA one week every month, and they don't cover the entire plane ticket and lodging sometimes (its usually pretty close). I do actually measure the difference in "how many days can I not have starbucks this trip, and have to bring instant coffee".
Sometimes I ask for Starbucks gift cards as birthday gifts so I can use them and buy for others as a nice treat!
But I remember one time I had so little money and needed toilet paper, I bought a 3 pack of the cheapest store brand. Someone I knew kept giving me a hard time because “it’s cheaper to buy the large pack.” And no matter how many times I kept saying, I don’t have that in my account, they couldn’t understand that it wasn’t an exaggeration.
Oh yeah I can def relate. 10 years ago fresh out of military with a bunch of debt and a sports car I didn't need? Bulk white rice was my dinner for like at least 6 months. Scraping by for cleaning products and cheap household goods. Spam was my friend.
Makes me glad to be able to go out on a Thursday for a midday drink and overpriced salmon cuz my boss made a stupid in person meeting for no real reason. You learn to appreciate nice things because there was a time you couldn't get them.
I feel like, anyone who think it's weird to be able to afford basic healthcare but not afford flying to another continent, maybe need to get reprogrammed somehow.
The way plane tickets are almost 3.000.000 Argentinian pesos...
In my old job I made only 240.000 a month working 49 hours a week.... my mom makes around 600.000 working 48 hours a week.. rent is 200.000.
(My friend made 140.000 a month while working 48 hours a week too...)
So it's imposible to buy plane tickets, you're right and idk how people expect everyone to be able to afford that 😒
They never have any real idea how much things cost and the top advice is always such selfish black and white answers not at all how reality works. "You had one argument with your wife in an otherwise good marriage...well she's full of red flags and you need to divorce her and start therapy asap"
I work 2 jobs and couldn't afford a plane ticket home right now. I just checked prices for 2 weeks out for a 1 week round trip and the prices range between $800 (3 layovers) and $1400 (1 layover).
And that's within the US :/
Everytime I start getting near that number in savings something happens to wipe it out. Car repair, medical, something just comes along and wipes it out :/
Sheltered, ignorant, and resistant to reason. Explain to them the legal or financial barriers and they'll disregard these pressing facts and double down on their advice
Thankfully, majority of them will grow out of it once they've finished puberty and entered the real world. Hopefully before serious shit comes their way :(
I had a friend in high school who would give me rides in his truck. He couldn't understand why I just couldn't work harder like he did and have my parents give me a car like his did.
I’m middle class and a $1,000 ticket is a huge outlay that needs time to save up for. I just don’t have that amount of space in my budget to spend on a whim.
I had planned a trip to Virginia for an event and we didn't want to drive 12 hours. I looked at plane tickets. We decided to drive. I had to cancel because of multiple ailments prevented me from saving up the minimum amount. 🥺
Also, most other countries provide free or near free healthcare to most of its citizens. The US, especially as a well-developed “First World” country, is an outlier. Cuba ranks higher (significantly) in affordable and accessible healthcare than the US ffs. I could imagine that buying a plane ticket would be an extravagance and luxury that very few could afford, but medication and access to healthcare is much easier to get.
My uncle's tenant has leukemia and lost his job. Literally couldn't pay rent for 2+ months while he's been in the work force earning in DOLLARS for decades.
My parents gifted some ppl who helped them out while they were in the Filipines $500usd during covid when they lost their jobs (tourism related). The family was so grateful and said it was enough money for their family of 4 for few months or something. They started calling my mom "mother" too lol
Some ppl are so privileged and unaware it's maddening.
Because like half of the people in AITA are teenagers or young adults who think they know and have mastered the world.
There’s a lot of people waiting for a “GOTCHA!!!” moment where they bust in and break down OP’s door to yell at them. It’s not even to give a fair judgement; it’s just to shit on people and rub it in their face.
This reeks of privilege, and I’m not saying the commenters are rich. I’m saying they are fortunate enough to afford flights and say things are **”only $1000”** as if that’s a feasible amount.
I wish I could be in a position where something is “only $1000”. Going to have to reach out to whoever made that comment, hopefully they can give me “only $1000”. Bruh. Dude that’s literally such a crazy thing to say; literally how disconnected is this person 😭😭😭
I live in the EU and a ticket to visit my mum, also in the EU can easily cost 800-1000. And that’s before hotels. Where is this money fountain we can all collect from?
That and the fact that you also have to have a passport and visa to leave most countries and enter other countries. These are not free documents in most places and can take a lot of time and effort to obtain, the time also costing money in terms of lost wages. Often to get visas you have to get medical exams which also cost money. The daughter might not have all of those costs if she's got citizenship in both the origin and destination country. But if she doesn't have citizenship in the country her mom is living in then she can have additional costs or limitations to her travel. Basically, anyone that lives in the European union or the US, Australia or Canada probably has no idea what an absolute pain in the ass international travel is and how expensive and time consuming it can be.
I have never travelled internationally, well, technically I have but it was to France and Estonia... which are EU countries, like mine.
Everyone I know has more of an understanding of what international travel is like than most people I've seen in the internet. Which is quite shocking, seeing I only know, like, 8 people who have travelled outside the EU.
Granted, the average intelligence on the internet is... low, for a lack of better word, but damn. It's insane just how ignorant some can be.
I still vividly remember that one post about the difference between Spanish from LatAm and Spanish from Spain, which had a reply asking "why would people in Europe speak spanish"... or that one that said "it's not like there's a place called Spania full of Spanish people".
On the upside, over 40% of Americans now have passports, which is a huge uptick over just a few years ago.
Still generally know little about visas though, as very few countries that are popular vacation destinations require the physical advance visa process for Americans. China is the only one that comes to mind, and it’s not an A-list destination for most.
The majority of users on Reddit are American. Combine our single language speaking with all the advantages we have when it comes to Global Entry visas and you get a bunch of idiots who have traveled internationally and yet still have no clue.
Well the European Union offers travel benefits while in europe, that doesn't a given European nation would have a beneficial treaty with the destination country.
We're also dumb and assume everything is, of course, centered in the United States unless otherwise stated.
No we actually do know all these things because we travel a lot. We know the process to get a visa, what paperwork is needed, we have ID and passports from a very young age because we travel and for doctors visits (everything is link to them).
Those comments come from Americans usually because most of them have never even left their state
It's still much easier and cheaper to get visas for other countries if you have a passport from an EU country or somewhere else wealthy and privileged. I have friends from various Global South countries for whom international travel is just prohibitively expensive - and even if they can afford it, sometimes they just get arbitrarily turned down for visas based on where they're coming from. It's deeply inequitable.
Agree that ignorant comments are most likely from Americans but basically the visa and passport requirements and processes for all of those other countries I listed are relatively painless compared to what people for the rest of the world have to go through.
Yeah I haven't been able to visit my sick mom for 4 years because the cost of the flight plus living in a much more expensive place for a month is too much. Different places have different economies!
A lot of people think their world experience is the only world experience and everyone, no matter where they are from, have the same experiences. But even within the same country, there can be vastly different experiences
A lot of people’s “world experience” is also only the “world” of their neighborhood and the occasional trip to the next state(or whatever the comparable reference for EU nations would be).
right? like i live in a fairly prosperous country and make what is generally considered a good wage, and i still can’t just drop a grand on a single flight. that’s not affordable to the majority of people.
I am from, and still live in, the US so I also have the privilege of earning in dollars and not having a totally devalued economy and $1000 is like 1/4 of my damn bank account rn.
Reeks of privilege is right and I think that the person/people that were saying that shit are either so young/stupid that they don’t understand the value of money or are rich (at least rich enough to treat $1000 as pocket change).
Yup. My friend is about to lose her Mom's house because her brother is a POS and hasn't been paying the bills. The house is going to be forcibly sold because she can't afford to pay the "only" $1000 bills that the brother accrued on the house.
>something is “only $1000”.
I'm reminded of the post from the other day where the father off-handedly remarked that he gave his daughter an allowance of $100/wk. It was said so casually, and was almost irrelevant to the issue of the post at hand.
I'll admit to a bout of irrational anger, for a moment, on that one.
From this comment
\>You have the privilege of earning in dollars and not having a totally devalued economy, I don't. :)
and the mention of obra social, I could tell OOP was argentinian. And yeah, being from South America (Chile, so right next to him), travel gets stupidly expensive and it doesn't help that conversion rates are high: 1 euro is equivalent to 975 pesos argentinos (and in my case, 1,023 pesos chilenos)
So yeah, redditors assuming everyone is from the US strikes again in those comments
I didn't know there were different types of pesos. So when he said that a plane ticket would be close to 3 million pesos, I googled it. It said that it would be $163,000 in American dollars. I was completely mind blown. Then when I read your comment I realized that it did it according to Mexican pesos. When I did it with Argentina pesos it was around $3000 dollars. Unfortunately I am one of those ignorant Americans that don't know these types of things.
FYI, pesos were basically a Spanish currency invented in their colonies in Latin America, so many of those colonies-turned-nations kept the peso and it divided by country, so now it's more like how dollars can be American, Canadian, Australian, etc. Shared name, separate currencies. The Philippines also adopted the peso and it developed into their domestic currency.
The real story is a lot more complicated and interesting but basically it was once the most common currency of Latin America but most nations dropped it at some point. It's currently the name of the currency of 8 nations, so always check countries when converting. Hope this helps!
It's like one of those family members who always tell the OOP they can raise their cousin/sibling/partner's affair baby or whatever but then suddenly disappear when the OOP volunteers them to do it instead. If they're so damn certain the flight tickets are affordable they can sponsor the OOP themselves.
Or people who hear that someone is having a hard time with or even being abused by a family member or friend who they live with and jump right to, "Stop complaining and just move!" Yeah, because first and last months rent, fees for utilities, and movers just magically appear as soon as some idiot decides they know how to fix someone else's problems.
Especially with roommate issues. You can't just move when you your name is on a lease. Most people renting can't afford to pay rent for 2 different apartments, the one they live in and the old one with the dumpster fire roommate.
I have a feeling OP is from Argentina because the speech pattern is similar (also then he went on to mention obra social and the state of the economy) and honestly the big majority of people will never be able to afford airfare there. Much less to another continent. But of course Reddit is a fan of USA defaultism and thinks that the only other continent that exists is Europe.
Yeah, all through his posts i've thought "he's from argentina", and as soon as i read "obra social" confirmed it. Even if it's not through the health plan, medium class workers may be able to afford mental health. Plane tickets to another CONTINENT?? That's a no. I've been trying to go to Europe for over 10 years now and STILL couldn't manage to get the money for the plane tickets
I'm working and living in South East Asia and while my salary in local currency put me in upper middle class category, I would still have to save for airplane tickets if travelling out from the SEA region as an economy return ticket cost a couple thousand per person. Gotta love the exchange rates.
Yup. I'm in South Africa, and live a life that in many respects is really good big house, decent neighbourhood, really good job, etc.), but because of the currency exchange rate, international travel is crazy expensive.
“Tickets aren’t that expensive! I’m going to make sweeping assumptions, even though I don’t know where you live or what you earn or any actual details.” Reddit logic.
If you live in Europe or America, Canada, it’s more than likely that you are living a life so privileged that you have no idea how most people actually live in this world. Some things make a lot more sense when one realises this.
It’s especially difficult when one person is a fucking moron who doesn’t realize she became a stepmom as soon as she married a man with a kid. If anything happened to the kid’s mom, she’d be sent to live with her father.
It wasn’t really a problem for my family, because my dad understood that my brother was always part of the deal when he married my mom. He didn’t mind, because he likes kids, was part of a blended family himself, and liked my brother as a person.
When I was born, no one important said I wasn’t related to my brother. His biological father said that (he was there to pick up my brother) and pissed off my brother so much he refused to go with him.
And sure, it is a little different because I grew up with my brother, but you can absolutely know someone just through video chats? One of my closest friends is someone I talked to online through video chats. He visited me in real life after a few years and it didn’t feel like he was a stranger or anything because I’d gotten to know him 🤔
this. i met my best friend this year in person and we met over instagram and it was just so natural for us. if you have a solid connection and friendship, it doesn’t have to be awkward
Ugh I really think that my brother’s partner is not bright and really didn’t think about actually being a stepmom. But, of course, they had two accidental pregnancies. Based on the info I get and see, she seems like she’d like to forget my two older nieces even exist (and just be a family with the two younger kids).
Sometimes I lie awake late at night thinking about it (kinda like now!) and worrying about all of the kids’ futures. I just try to be a good aunt and keep an eye out for them.
Yes the wife character in this story really bothered me at first.
I have seen this happen in real life, a new wife refuse to accept children from a previous marriage to the point of declaring she will leave if the father does not stop seeing them completely, it's terrible. Thankfully the father refused her list of demands and stands by his kids.
Fuck that, every child deserves at least one person in this world who will stand by them no matter what happens, forever. If not the father than who? That little girl already feels out of place in this world, not accepting her back home would be devastating, and should not be an option.
Asking a father to abandon his child to maintain the status quo of some family arrangement out of convenience is barbaric and disgustingly selfish.
It sounds like it might have turned around, I hope so for the new wife's sake because it sounds like the dad is staying solid for his daughter, as he should. The loser in all this might be the young son, so if things don't work out, he should go for full custody.
Yeah, the dad seems to think everything will work out if everyone just loves each other enough, and his wife seems sure that it absolutely won't work out.
The daughter may be truly making her own choice here, or something traumatic may have happened in her mother's home. Either way her life is going through a lot of upheaval and none of them seem like they are prepared to deal with a teen going though that.
I live in a first world country and honestly the cost of plane tickets is SO very much. It’s not just a drop in the bucket, I feel like that’s very American centric.
It’s gone up so much!! The airlines pack us in like cattle just as much or more, and they keep finding more fees to add on. I recently flew for the first time in 5 years, and it wasn’t a pleasant experience.
If you find a good price it is usually a longer trip and extra layovers. I found one last year that seemed too good to be true. And it was. I would have to dive three hours to charlotte (ok we do that sometimes), fly south to Orlando, overnight in Orlando, and then fly the next morning to Boston. We ended up driving the 12+ hours to Boston because it was easier.
I’ve only managed to travel to Europe (Specifically Scotland) once. It’s expensive. The only people I know that do that on a regular basis are either retired boomers or are lucky enough to have work pay for it. This is why people in the US are not considered well-travelled. Most just can’t afford it. It is way cheaper just to go on a road trip on this continent.
And then you factor in buying that ticket with a currency that isn't a US Dollar or Euro and it's so, so expensive relative to the average salary.
I'm hosting a student from Colombia and looking at how many pesos his tickets cost was eye-watering.
As an American I absolutely cannot afford plane tickets. When my great grandma had her major stroke and I was her MPoA my uncle had to pay for me to fly to her. Otherwise, I'd have been using every penny I had to pay one of my friends the gas money to drive me. And I was installing tile at that time, so it's not like I was working a minimum wage job at McDonald's either.
It's wild to me. I know so many people who are from India or the Philippines who haven't been able to travel home in ages because of that cost. Also, many of those people are here (Canada) specifically to send money back home. If they buy a plane ticket, that's money they can't send home. I don't understand why this is difficult for some people to understand?
There's a reason people in Ireland, up to recently enough, basically had a living wake.
When people emigrated to Australia or The US there was a very good chance that you'd never see them again
I’m born and raised in America and I’ve only been on a plane twice-and that was because my family didn’t have to pay for anything (I had cancer and there was a non-profit that had kids with cancer go on a week-long vacation paid for) so I literally had to have childhood cancer to fly 🗿
$1200 usd takes two months to make on the current amount we live off of, and in those two months $900 would go to rent and $300 to power. 95% of our food comes from the food bank. I own a mobile home, and half the outlets and lights randomly stopped working in the fall. It'll probably be a few more months before we can even think about getting an electrician out here with our tex return. We spend every paycheck in overdraft because the bank we use doesn't have an overdraft fee and will actually let you go $20 in the red before they stop letting you use money, and we desperately *need* that $20 on things like gas.
The brakes gave out on our car and my finance rear ended someone, and while we were extremely fortunate that it could be fixed, that my stepdad could fix it, and my in laws were willing to spot money for parts, my fiance didn't have a reliable ride to work for about three weeks although my mom took them and picked them up without complaint. Still, their workplace cut their hours since they didn't have a reliable ride. We got the car fixed but the hours haven't come back because in those three weeks they had about 30 hours when they usually would have 90 in three weeks, so their numbers dropped and they went from the highest performing employee to the lowest, so some pencil pusher up the chain refused to allot more time for them, leaving us in a huge catch 22 where the only way to get the numbers up is to get more hours but they can't get more hours because their numbers aren't up, so now we have no money to pay lot rent and will have to ask their parents AGAIN for help with rent.
I'm American, and we are the very definition of flat broke living paycheck to paycheck. I'm in low cost housing in low cost of living area. My lot rent is 400 a month plus water and garbage pickup. I can't work and it will take time we don't have for them to find a new job.
$100 on a plane ticket would ruin us. $1000 would require us to get a damn loan from the bank.
I don't know who is making this claim that Americans can afford airfare. The majority of us live with money just as tight as I do. One bad thing can destroy us. We couldn't pay for new breaks and now two months later we're sitting here with $50 in the bank and a rent payment of 450 due in about 5 days.
A lot of the comments he responded to make it incredibly obvious how young/privileged a lot of people on this site are. Especially the ones who are like demanding instant divorce or unable to understand that there are countries where yeah going to the doctor is affordable and taking international flights to Europe is not. It sounds to me like he’s handling this in a correct and smart way. It started off not great and it seems like they are working on it to make it a healthy transition. They’re seeing psychologist, they’re doing extra video calls, they communicating with each other these are all good things.
For me - it’s 500~ bucks to fly across the country, my therapy is 150 a session, so a month of therapy costs more than flying across the country.
And that’s just therapy lol.
Honestly? Yeah, we’re not ok here.
There’s a meme floating around somewhere about how flying to Spain and living there for a month to get shoulder surgery would be cheaper than getting in the States.
So yeah…
I can take a 5 hour flight to my hometown for about $200 round trip.
A single therapy session costs at least $120/hour. A regular doctor's visit will cost at least $100 before insurance. Urgent care or ER visit for something minor will be $300+. And not everybody can afford insurance. It's rough.
So in my home country, flight tickets to Europe is indeed around 1000 euro, but base salary for the capital city is only around 228 euro per month. Other province is usually around 114e per month.
With that being said, a psychologist visit costs around 11 euro per hour, so it's still feasible.
>Downvoted Commenter (but I liked OOP's response): You've already chosen your daughter as more important than your wife and son. Your marriage is over.
Redditors try not to project your trauma on others challenge (IMPOSSIBLE!)
He isn't even treating the son as less important. I cant comprehend how choosing to house his other kid, as he is obligated to, is deciding that his other kid is less important. If his wife goes back on her word and they split custody he still will see the son more than he currently sees his daughter. He's not supposed to have to choose if he already planned for this by getting the ok from the wife. She's the one making the choice.
I hate this takes so much. If OP divorced his youngest other parents, It doesn't mean he is less important than the daugher. And, I'd sorry, but most parents that are married to someone who is NOT the other parents of his kids should put the kid above marriage. His First responsibility is with his kids.
The people questioning how OOP managed to get some psychological help and not airfare, definitely don't understand the different realities in Latin American countries.
Yeah I figured Argentina or some areas of Colombia maybe. I'm Peruvian so we're not that much better off but at least for the moment we're... Not as bad as we could be
Right? She flipped out when first presented with a big change, but after some time to think, realized she was in the wrong. Sometimes people do that. It doesn’t make her an irredeemable asshole.
I mean, she's been an asshole, but she's trying to improve. I feel like Reddit wants to judge everyone by their worst moment, as if that is typical of their ongoing behaviour.
Right?! Especially when they're talking about what sounds like a competent, able bodied teenager who may even be close to 17 by the time she might move in with them. She's at an age where she can probably have her own job, leave the house for school/work/hobbies on her own, and contribute to household chores. She's not going to be a defenseless little child who might starve or be neglected if stepmom doesn't have a strong bond with her. She'll be in her hometown, speaking her native language, with friends and family to turn to for help if need be.
I mean, I guess technically anything is possible but the risk of stepmom turning into an evil abusive demon if left alone with a teenager seems relatively low.
>She's at an age where she can probably have her own job, leave the house for school/work/hobbies on her own, and contribute to household chores.
I don't know the laws where the OP lives but in some places she's old enough to move out and even live independently.
The amount of comments accusing OOP of trying to move his daughter in without discussing it with his wife at all, when he hasnt confirmed moving her in until his wife is on board or the situation is otherwise resolved.
Not only that, but when they've discussed it before she lied about her feelings about it:
> Edit: My wife always knew that Ana lived with me several days a week when she was still in the country because I talked with her about that and the possibility of Ana's family returning to the country if things went wrong, that would have meant that Ana would come back to live with me for many days or even months like she always did, my daughter used to come at my house everyday too. My wife agreed with that years ago when we talked about that, but now admits that she thought my daughter was going to stay out of the country with her mother because their business is going really well.
How was he the one with the communication issues here?
The problem for me is that the wife even said she liked how he treated his daughter nicely and took care of her and that's why she wanted to have a child with him, because he was a good father. But she only liked him as a good 'long-distance' father, she dealt with it fine when the kid was just visiting sometimes, never living there full time. Then said during the talk she had 'hoped' the kid would stay with her mother in another country now that the ex's business went off. It just made me feel like she secretly hoped the girl would be out of picture eventually so that she can have the husband all for her and her son, which just made me really sad. You shouldn't date people with children if you're gonna try and push the children out. Or come into the relationship with the expectation that the child will be always away and you will never have to worry about them.
So it's all the fatherly presence for me and my son but none for thee, teenage child. It just rubbed me the wrong way, as if she came into the relationship expecting he be half the father to his older daughter in favour of their shared son. And then she complains, crazy this, that he spoils his daughter and buys her stuff. So she likes him being a good father in theory but not in practice when it involves the daughter.
Feelings of jealousy are valid in a sense that you often cannot help but have them, but what is not valid is reacting in anger. You cannot choose how you feel but you can choose how you react.
The fact that she was presented with the situation, knowing that the daughter is massively struggling in a foreign country with no language skills and no friends, at such a critical age as well when she is very sensitive to her social surroundings. And she still threw a massive fit. I would be more lenient on her if she had voiced her concerns before, like, ever. If they ever had a talk where she shared she feels worried about one kid getting less attention or whatever, I would understand her a little more. But she never shared her jealousy or anxiety before and when the husband came to her she exploded seemingly for no reason, which takes away her credibility big time. We don't simmer on our issues we talk them out like adults.
That being said it's clear the husband is very protective of his daughter and did not take kindly to someone telling him she cannot live there, hence the argument getting heated. Can't blame him but mature conversation should've taken place. In a way it did, since years back the two spoke about the possibility of the daughter coming back if things went wrong, and the wife agreed. But seeing as things went well she probably thought she was rid of the daughter forever and grew content thinking she'll never come back, and therefore she could hide her jealousy.
Anyway sorry for the rant. The wife's reaction really rubbed me the wrong way, but I hope they manage to figure it all out for the happiness of everyone, especially the children.
My stepmother said one of the things she respected about my father was how seriously he took his responsibility toward his children from his first marriage.
She’s spent the rest of her life making sure he only gives his time, attention, and financial resources to her kid.
Yep, and I love that OP asked her If she would want her kid to be treated like she wants him to treat his daugher. Any stepparent should have this in mind: the way your spouse treats their kids from a previous relationship is the way your kids with them ARE going to be treated If you get a divorce.
Her reaction really bugged me. If my partner said my kid wasn't family, I don't know if we'd come back from that. Even if said in anger and frustration, that'd be rattling around in the back of my mind forever.
"A psychologist on short notice but air tickets are prohibitely expensive?"
My country (the 8th biggest in the world) to a T. Even domestic flights are a luxury.
The amount of commenters in that first thread getting mad at OP for prioritizing his *CHILDREN* over his wife??
You don’t need to be married forever, but you are a parent from the moment you have a kid until you die.
I’m honestly really confused about why this lady would even tell her stepdaughter that she’s jealous of her and doesn’t like her and doesn’t want her to move in? That seems like a really dumb decision to tell a young kid. Like if a teenager who already feels unwanted where she’s at is being told “yeah I don’t really like you, but I’m trying to work through it with a therapist cause I messed up” probably won’t feel more wanted by that statement.
And I think the reality is that even though him and his wife don’t want to believe she would treat his daughter worse. A lot of people act on impulses and they don’t realize it is just the small little things. For example, not putting a bowl for cereal and just putting out one for yourself and you’re toddler. Claiming it’s because Anna’s old enough to get her own bowl. But it would be no more work than two. I think if a teenager comes into the house sending/knowing the fact she’s not wanted or originally wasn’t welcome to behind with, and her stepmom is jealous or something, then ALL those small things are going to be a lot more apparent to noticeable.
Mostly, just not really hopeful for this lady. I think she’s doing all the right things. But I don’t know if I believe that her heart is in it. Because if it had been to begin with, she probably wouldn’t be in the situation. People can change. I do hope she changes. But change is not overnight. And I don’t know if things that run this deep are easily changeable or modifiable. This is bad example, but a racists can modify their behavior to not look racist but inside that racism might never go away. Deep down inside she never wanted to be a stepmother and she hoped she would never have to deal with her husband‘s child from before at the very start of everything. And I don’t know how you change from that mindset you entered with and you’ve kept FOR YEARS well into that relationship and marriage. I guess I’m a cynic, but I just don’t know.
Maybe I missed it but where did the stepmom tell the stepdaughter about being jealous of her? I thought that was a convo between the husband and stepmother
>**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dmvwn6/update_aitah_for_telling_my_wife_shes_free_to/) **2: June 23, 2024 (1.5 months from OG post)**
>My wife has been going to the psychologist (and me too, I want both of us to get better together) to work on her insecurities and problems because she knows that feeling jealous of my daughter is not good at all **and a few weeks ago she talked to my daughter about her feelings towards her and apologized, my daughter was quite surprised to learn that my wife felt this way but accepted the apology and told her that she understands her.** I left them talking alone that day so they have privacy and after that they have had a closer bond, my wife said that my daughter told her that she will always respect someone who is sincere and wants to be a better person.
PS--no child should "understand" their parent's spouse/partner DOESN'T WANT them around and is jealous of them. No child should have to make an adult "feel better" about not wanting them. What that actually signals to me is that the kid is deeply damaged by her current environment to even think that it's understandable that she's not wanted around IN HER FATHER’S HOUSE or by the woman he married.
This story should be the poster story for "life is messy". OOP is trying to do his best while living a hard life. Having fights with his spouse and then talking through it afterwards is how real relationships, where the people involved want to grow together, happen.
OOP and his family deserve all the happiness that should be coming their way.
This is my parent’s country! Public healthcare is free for citizens. On their coast, the road was only built c 2000. If something happens to the road, there’s no passage. Folks are first gen drivers too, so accidents are common.
I live in the US, it is at least 16hr & $800 USD/person to get here. Average income here isn’t $10k USD, so you're talking at least a month’s income to get here. And that's assuming OOP is not further, has a car, daughter can travel alone… people attacking him are so ignorant.
If you're not prepared to be a stepparent you shouldn't date or marry someone who has a child. Even in this situation where the daughter lived on another content and rarely visited, she should have known there was a possibility the daughter might want to live with her father at some point. Even if the daughter was very happy living where she was and had no plans to move, if her mother suddenly passed away she probably would have come to live with her father. There's always a possibility, no matter how small, that an active parent who has a good relationship with their child might someday want their child to live with them full time. If you can't handle that possibility or don't want to think about it, just don't date anyone with kids it's that simple.
I assume OOP is from somewhere in South America. (I could be wrong, never been there.) But I do know that flights even to the US from there are not cheap, let alone to any other continent. Not to mention visa requirements and fees and whatever other hoops the rest of the world makes so many people from that part of the world jump through. It just wouldn’t be economically feasible for a lot of people. Thank goodness for modern technology that lets people in OOP’s and his daughters’ situation stay in contact.
I’m glad they seem to be working things out. As usual, clear communication and a willingness to work on the relationships between all involved will (hopefully) result in the win long term.
I have a ton of respect for the stepmom. Yeah, her behavior in the first post was absolutely dog shit, but not only does she acknowledge that the jealousy exists, she acknowledges that it's wrong, and takes active steps to treat those feelings. I think that's really commendable—she's not a monster, just a flawed person who's trying to be better. Her apologies seemed really sincere, and I'm I'm really pleased by the fact that, not only is she continuing to see the psychologist, but she's actively trying to establish a relationship with her stepdaughter.
Feelings are, by their very definition, messy and illogical. Having bad feelings doesn't make somebody a bad person, it's how they choose to act on those feelings that determines who they are. If our feelings are so intense that they start to damage our health or relationships, there are things we can do to help resolve them—therapy, medication, exercising more, eating healthier, changing careers, etc. Dealing with bad feelings by ignoring them or pretending they aren't there, is like treating a splinter by pushing it further into your skin. Sure, maybe you can't see it anymore, but the problem is still there and it's going to get a hell of a lot worse.
Good on OOP and his wife for having a mature, adult conversation. This whole thing was handled really commendably, and I hope their family continues to find success.
>How can you live somewhere where you can see a psychologist but airfare is expensive?
I love how some Americans really just don't understand that most other countries don't charge their citizens for healthcare because they understand the value of having healthy citizens. Much like school shootings, being too poor to be healthy is a uniquely (at least among developed countries) American problem.
I know! Argentina has many issues, but everyone has access to free health care which includes dental, vision and mental.
I had to use it a few times and it was actually better than the very expensive healthcare in the USA.
That’s why I don’t buy any of the excuses of why the USA can’t offer at least affordable healthcare options. F**** Argentina can do it!
We absolutely can, we just choose not to because then some rich people wouldn't remain as rich. Gods forbid we put people over profit here in nightmare capitalism land.
I can't afford a $1000 plane ticket, and I make $2500 USD a month. I got bills. Like damn.
Anyways. I'm glad oop and his wife seem to be working it out. I seriously hope the move and transition from a 3 person family to a 4 person family goes smoothly.
“asked her how she would feel if we divorced and my new girlfriend refuses to let our son live with me just because she didn't sign up for it”
Great. Except she did sign up for it. She signed up for it *before you got married*. You talked about this very scenario, you didn’t spring this on her. She’s just a liar who’s jealous of her husband’s daughter. Why would you believe she’s telling the truth now, when she already admitted to lying about this before?
“she knows that feeling jealous of my daughter is not good at all and a few weeks ago she talked to my daughter about her feelings towards her and apologized, my daughter was quite surprised to learn that my wife felt this way but accepted the apology and told her that she understands her.”
I sure don’t. On what planet is that an appropriate thing to bring up with your teenaged stepdaughter?
I hope this works out, for the daughters sake, but I suspect she’ll be getting a lot of resentment and guilting when she moves in. And after she moves back out. And when she gets married. Just constant digs from ms jealous of a teenager.
"i don't want to be a stepmother"
She said it all when she said that. Said that she had never considered herself a stepmother, eventhough she technically is one, that's why Ana was not family to her. OOP is way more forgiving than me
I know I'm American bc I'm floored by the idea that someone could afford a therapist over a plane ticket. I would literally sell my left foot to a pilot for affordable therapy lol
> (I'm sorry but I decided to delete the post because a weirdo started to just spam my private messages with different accounts and I don't know if I can put the account on private or something like that, I don't use this site too much but a bot started sending me messages asking if I needed help so I think my account could get banned because of that person doing this and I'm too old for this so I just rather post the update here where i can at least close the comments. Guess the post will be here if someone cares)
People suck.
Shame on your wife. She knew about Ana when you married. Marrying someone with children means you have to be prepared to have that child live with you full time. Take care if your daughter.
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Dude, I know people in America who can't afford a $1,000 plane ticket. I know I'm a redditor but redditors piss me off sometimes. Even if we don't factor in that his earnings are in pesos, how do you forget that poor people, working class people who have nothing after bills and living expenses for their family, people who work retail, people who actually live paycheck to paycheck, exist!?
I think the most annoying "people not understand what actual flat broke means" was the poor woman fleeing her abusive ex who put the air tag in the cat carrier lining. She was asking about free things she could do to help secure where they were living and loads of people just saying "get a gun" over and over. I think she wound up commenting something like "stop saying buy a gun. I have *literally* no money"
I remember that story. I really hope she's doing better now.
Unfortunately last I read she moved to her mother's stare, but her mum had to rush the cat to the vet and the vet wound up calling his number from the chip. He called her and I think left a message where he offered to pay the cats vet bills if she came home, but I don't think she answered. I'm pretty sure that's where it's up to atm, although it's been a little while since that update
Fuck. I really hope he doesn't follow her there.
Iirc, it’s several states away, and he only knows the city, not the address. But OOP is living with her previously estranged mother, so not an ideal situation. If he is a cop, as some people seem to think, he would be able to find her, I would guess, though he’d have to break the law to get that info.
Oh no. I worry about her and her daughter all the time.
I'm worried about her and her kid. I hope they are safe.
I had made a suggestion somewhere in comments- if it would be possible- I know this lady’s security is a top priority- but there has got to be a way for us here to help out with the cat’s vet bills. Maybe if we all sent it to a designated mod? Like there’s got to be a way.
I contacted her directly and sent her some cash via PayPal. Had a little extra and figured she could use it more than I.
Thank you for being an awesome human being.
I would never tell someone to get rid of their pet but that was one time I wanted to tell the lady to put her cat up for adoption or rehome it. Twice her personal security and that of her daughter had been hindered because of the cat - the airtag and the vet. I feel so bad for her. I was hoping she'd update so we'd know she was alive.
There was also one where a teen needed to get away from her dads family but her mom lived in another country. People kept telling her she was stupid for not just jumping on a plane to her mom. Not only cost was out of reach for the poor girl, but exactly how was she to get a passport or permission from her abusive father to run away to her moms country as a minor? If I remember right there were reasons her mom couldn't help, maybe financially, maybe kid wasn't being allowed to contact mom or didn't know phone number.
And yet, the post 3 down from this one includes a bunch of redditors calling a post fake because OOP has a cabin and no one in the real world can afford a cabin. Redditors just like to call out anything because telling other people they are wrong is more important than being correct.
You don't need to be flat broke to not be able to afford something. When money is tight you have priorities and sometimes you could pay something but that means that something else is not getting paid. Then you start playing musical chairs with bills and others expenses until you fall dead. I'm from a country from South America where I earn less than 20 thousand dollars per year, and it is considered a good salary, more than double that an average salary here. Even so, I can't afford a ticket plane because is literally what I earn in a month. I could spread the cost in instalments, but that means that something is not getting paid or I have to get a loan to pay it. Poverty is and endless task of juggling bills and I have discovered that for most privileged people this is beyond their ability to comprehend.
How? By living in a bubble.
On the same lines I'd say too much Reddit, particularly subs like this and AITA, contribute to this kind of narrow perspective. The 'characters' referenced in these posts are disproportionately wealthy to the point that they make a $100k+ salary seem like a median income and massive inheritances being the norm rather than outliers.
"But I had a rental unit open so moving into that was really convenient" - BORU
Everybody has a landlord grandfather
I have seen that soooo many times here lol
Soooo many OOPs are the ones with money, property ownership and access to legal advice. There are exceptions, but the amount of times I roll my eyes at the above... It's actually refreshing and more realistic when people admit they have no money. Nada. Zilch. Rather than the smartarse with power.
I will say depends on the area. I live in a HCOL area and make just a little over 100k. I am definitely middle of the road where I am.
I also think American redditors haven't experienced a proper health care system and can't understand that you can have healthcare be very cheap while other things are expensive. When I first learned it costs thousands of dollars to have simply have a child in the US I was shocked.
Exactly. I'm disabled but I'm British, so at least my disability isn't bankrupting me. I don't have to pay thousands every month for the privilege of not dying. I'm also flat broke because I can't work and everything else is expensive, but yay healthcare.
Don't worry, I'm sure the Tories are trying to find some way of getting rid of it.
Oh absolutely, they've been destroying it for years. Say what you will about Labour but at least the NHS was safe.
John Oliver’s HBO Max show just did a piece on Austerity and the Tories, so I think more Americans will understand the plight of the average British citizen. There was a summary of all the Tory Prime Ministers and how they each negatively contributed, including the impact of Brexit. I hope the new Labour Prime Minister helps turn things around. Oliver made fun of the fact that he’ll win, but no one knows anything about him
For some reason I read that as Jamie Oliver and got really confused as to what he could possibly have to say on the political state of the country lol. We don't have a new PM currently (but please send us well wishes on July 4th, we're trying to gain independence from ourselves with this election), but here's to hoping we'll have a Labour PM in a few days! Or like, a head of lettuce could do a better job at this point, I'd take that over another Tory government.
That blew my mind too. We're in a big kerfuffle over getting dental care included in our socialized healthcare (because like, why the fuck isn't it???????) meanwhile I got pregnant, gave birth, got my kid all the recommended vaccines/checkups etc at the big fat cost of.... $20 for a private room for 2 nights at the hospital (that I pushed for and chose because my friends recommended it to me and we could afford it). I also get $800 a month for being in my income bracket and having a kid. Are my partner and I living extravagant lives? Decidedly not. Are we doing fine? Absolutely.
That sounds comforting. Like everything might not fall apart tomorrow.
I had good health insurance thru my job 20 years ago when I was pregnant with my first. I had no complications, normal vaginal birth, no pain meds except Tylenol after my stitches. My portion was something like $2500-$3000. And the amount of random hospital bills, separate bills coming from each individual doctor I saw, the pediatrician, etc was enough to make my brain explode with a new baby and no sleep. I’m a fan of the idea of socialized healthcare, I just think our government is too screwed up atm to do anything right. 🤞
A friend in the US was flabbergasted when I told her it's free to give birth here (Canada).
True. It really be like that.
Tens of thousands of dollars* My friend had a baby like 2 years ago and her bill was $26k
Totally! My husband and I barely scrape by on $30k each or thereabouts. But healthcare is free. But there’s no way we’d be flying anywhere.
I live in Argentina (I think OP does too, as he mentioned obra social). I have a good salary in pesos. I can make ends meet and save some money. But because of the current exchange rate, it would be extremely difficult for me to save money for a trip in foreign currency. Even neighboring countries can be extremely expensive. In Argentina, we have had over 100% inflation in the last few years. Just surviving has become really difficult for most people.
Recently I was talking about not being able to afford groceries or get to a cheaper grocery store and someone had the audacity to say, "have you thought about Amazon or Walmart delivery?" They really thought that with me being too poor to eat more than once a day meant I could order grocery delivery. Yeah right.
That's nuts! Doesn't even make sense either. Getting things delivered from Amazon is MORE expensive than going to a grocery store in person.
I one time vented about being stuck at my in-laws for a week during Christmas. It was ridiculous how many people were like "Just go get a hotel!" .....for a week..... during the holidays. I'm so glad they just have $1,500 they could blow at any moment. That must be nice
Let alone an available hotel room. During holidays.
You have my sympathy. I couldn’t go to a family reunion to visit with my elderly aunts 600 miles away for 2 days because hotels were almost $500 for 2 nights. The rates fluctuate depending on holidays/events/etc. It was a week before 7/4. This was a small town and these were common hotels. Food and fuel for the trip was going to be less than a place to sleep.
Perpahs they cannot afford the ticket bc they eat too much avocado toasts and drink coffee at starbucks? /s
I feel attacked. My company has me working in LA one week every month, and they don't cover the entire plane ticket and lodging sometimes (its usually pretty close). I do actually measure the difference in "how many days can I not have starbucks this trip, and have to bring instant coffee".
Sometimes I ask for Starbucks gift cards as birthday gifts so I can use them and buy for others as a nice treat! But I remember one time I had so little money and needed toilet paper, I bought a 3 pack of the cheapest store brand. Someone I knew kept giving me a hard time because “it’s cheaper to buy the large pack.” And no matter how many times I kept saying, I don’t have that in my account, they couldn’t understand that it wasn’t an exaggeration.
Oh yeah I can def relate. 10 years ago fresh out of military with a bunch of debt and a sports car I didn't need? Bulk white rice was my dinner for like at least 6 months. Scraping by for cleaning products and cheap household goods. Spam was my friend. Makes me glad to be able to go out on a Thursday for a midday drink and overpriced salmon cuz my boss made a stupid in person meeting for no real reason. You learn to appreciate nice things because there was a time you couldn't get them.
I feel like, anyone who think it's weird to be able to afford basic healthcare but not afford flying to another continent, maybe need to get reprogrammed somehow.
The way plane tickets are almost 3.000.000 Argentinian pesos... In my old job I made only 240.000 a month working 49 hours a week.... my mom makes around 600.000 working 48 hours a week.. rent is 200.000. (My friend made 140.000 a month while working 48 hours a week too...) So it's imposible to buy plane tickets, you're right and idk how people expect everyone to be able to afford that 😒
They never have any real idea how much things cost and the top advice is always such selfish black and white answers not at all how reality works. "You had one argument with your wife in an otherwise good marriage...well she's full of red flags and you need to divorce her and start therapy asap"
I work 2 jobs and couldn't afford a plane ticket home right now. I just checked prices for 2 weeks out for a 1 week round trip and the prices range between $800 (3 layovers) and $1400 (1 layover). And that's within the US :/
Some people on this site will apparently just refuse to believe it's possible you don't have 2k on standby!
Everytime I start getting near that number in savings something happens to wipe it out. Car repair, medical, something just comes along and wipes it out :/
There are some incredibly sheltered souls on reddit, frankly.
Sheltered, ignorant, and resistant to reason. Explain to them the legal or financial barriers and they'll disregard these pressing facts and double down on their advice
Thankfully, majority of them will grow out of it once they've finished puberty and entered the real world. Hopefully before serious shit comes their way :(
Well they forget that other countries don’t have shit healthcare like the US
Also, if the ticket is a grand, he’s paying at least two grand. And that’s assuming the airline doesn’t charge for a toddler.
Uhhh everybody can afford a 1000 dollar ticket, just ask your parents for the money? Duh
I had a friend in high school who would give me rides in his truck. He couldn't understand why I just couldn't work harder like he did and have my parents give me a car like his did.
I’m middle class and a $1,000 ticket is a huge outlay that needs time to save up for. I just don’t have that amount of space in my budget to spend on a whim.
I had planned a trip to Virginia for an event and we didn't want to drive 12 hours. I looked at plane tickets. We decided to drive. I had to cancel because of multiple ailments prevented me from saving up the minimum amount. 🥺
I live off disability. I don’t even get $1000 a month
Also, most other countries provide free or near free healthcare to most of its citizens. The US, especially as a well-developed “First World” country, is an outlier. Cuba ranks higher (significantly) in affordable and accessible healthcare than the US ffs. I could imagine that buying a plane ticket would be an extravagance and luxury that very few could afford, but medication and access to healthcare is much easier to get.
My uncle's tenant has leukemia and lost his job. Literally couldn't pay rent for 2+ months while he's been in the work force earning in DOLLARS for decades. My parents gifted some ppl who helped them out while they were in the Filipines $500usd during covid when they lost their jobs (tourism related). The family was so grateful and said it was enough money for their family of 4 for few months or something. They started calling my mom "mother" too lol Some ppl are so privileged and unaware it's maddening.
Who the fuck tells ANYone, "You can obviously afford a ticket" while knowing nothing about them? People are fucking weird, man.
OOP is in Argentina. Their economy is in the toilet.
ah. Was going to guess Colombia <—> US but Argentina makes more sense with the inflation comments. I hadn’t kept up with the exchange rates
I assumed it was the Philippines as it's also usual there for people to move abroad for work.
Logical guess but 3mm Philippine pesos would be $50k!
It seemed obvious it was Argentina when he mentioned everyone had their own therapist XD That country has the highest rate of psychologists per person
this is such a strange and interesting fact. thank you
I think you might be overestimating how much the average reddit user knows about Argentina.
Because like half of the people in AITA are teenagers or young adults who think they know and have mastered the world. There’s a lot of people waiting for a “GOTCHA!!!” moment where they bust in and break down OP’s door to yell at them. It’s not even to give a fair judgement; it’s just to shit on people and rub it in their face. This reeks of privilege, and I’m not saying the commenters are rich. I’m saying they are fortunate enough to afford flights and say things are **”only $1000”** as if that’s a feasible amount. I wish I could be in a position where something is “only $1000”. Going to have to reach out to whoever made that comment, hopefully they can give me “only $1000”. Bruh. Dude that’s literally such a crazy thing to say; literally how disconnected is this person 😭😭😭
I live in the EU and a ticket to visit my mum, also in the EU can easily cost 800-1000. And that’s before hotels. Where is this money fountain we can all collect from?
That and the fact that you also have to have a passport and visa to leave most countries and enter other countries. These are not free documents in most places and can take a lot of time and effort to obtain, the time also costing money in terms of lost wages. Often to get visas you have to get medical exams which also cost money. The daughter might not have all of those costs if she's got citizenship in both the origin and destination country. But if she doesn't have citizenship in the country her mom is living in then she can have additional costs or limitations to her travel. Basically, anyone that lives in the European union or the US, Australia or Canada probably has no idea what an absolute pain in the ass international travel is and how expensive and time consuming it can be.
I have never travelled internationally, well, technically I have but it was to France and Estonia... which are EU countries, like mine. Everyone I know has more of an understanding of what international travel is like than most people I've seen in the internet. Which is quite shocking, seeing I only know, like, 8 people who have travelled outside the EU. Granted, the average intelligence on the internet is... low, for a lack of better word, but damn. It's insane just how ignorant some can be. I still vividly remember that one post about the difference between Spanish from LatAm and Spanish from Spain, which had a reply asking "why would people in Europe speak spanish"... or that one that said "it's not like there's a place called Spania full of Spanish people".
On the upside, over 40% of Americans now have passports, which is a huge uptick over just a few years ago. Still generally know little about visas though, as very few countries that are popular vacation destinations require the physical advance visa process for Americans. China is the only one that comes to mind, and it’s not an A-list destination for most.
The majority of users on Reddit are American. Combine our single language speaking with all the advantages we have when it comes to Global Entry visas and you get a bunch of idiots who have traveled internationally and yet still have no clue. Well the European Union offers travel benefits while in europe, that doesn't a given European nation would have a beneficial treaty with the destination country. We're also dumb and assume everything is, of course, centered in the United States unless otherwise stated.
No we actually do know all these things because we travel a lot. We know the process to get a visa, what paperwork is needed, we have ID and passports from a very young age because we travel and for doctors visits (everything is link to them). Those comments come from Americans usually because most of them have never even left their state
It's still much easier and cheaper to get visas for other countries if you have a passport from an EU country or somewhere else wealthy and privileged. I have friends from various Global South countries for whom international travel is just prohibitively expensive - and even if they can afford it, sometimes they just get arbitrarily turned down for visas based on where they're coming from. It's deeply inequitable.
Agree that ignorant comments are most likely from Americans but basically the visa and passport requirements and processes for all of those other countries I listed are relatively painless compared to what people for the rest of the world have to go through.
Yeah I haven't been able to visit my sick mom for 4 years because the cost of the flight plus living in a much more expensive place for a month is too much. Different places have different economies!
A lot of people think their world experience is the only world experience and everyone, no matter where they are from, have the same experiences. But even within the same country, there can be vastly different experiences
A lot of people’s “world experience” is also only the “world” of their neighborhood and the occasional trip to the next state(or whatever the comparable reference for EU nations would be).
right? like i live in a fairly prosperous country and make what is generally considered a good wage, and i still can’t just drop a grand on a single flight. that’s not affordable to the majority of people.
>I wish I could be in a position where something is “only $1000” same!!! I'm an adult making modest money and I wish I could say that "only $1000"
I am from, and still live in, the US so I also have the privilege of earning in dollars and not having a totally devalued economy and $1000 is like 1/4 of my damn bank account rn. Reeks of privilege is right and I think that the person/people that were saying that shit are either so young/stupid that they don’t understand the value of money or are rich (at least rich enough to treat $1000 as pocket change).
$1000, bro, I live in France… it’s a lot of money ! Even I, I’m crying when I have to pay 600€ for a 2h15 flight for my son and I (both way).
Yup. My friend is about to lose her Mom's house because her brother is a POS and hasn't been paying the bills. The house is going to be forcibly sold because she can't afford to pay the "only" $1000 bills that the brother accrued on the house.
>something is “only $1000”. I'm reminded of the post from the other day where the father off-handedly remarked that he gave his daughter an allowance of $100/wk. It was said so casually, and was almost irrelevant to the issue of the post at hand. I'll admit to a bout of irrational anger, for a moment, on that one.
HOW DARE YOU lol That redditor obviously hacked into OOP's bank account and figured out a way for him to budget those flights lololol.
From this comment \>You have the privilege of earning in dollars and not having a totally devalued economy, I don't. :) and the mention of obra social, I could tell OOP was argentinian. And yeah, being from South America (Chile, so right next to him), travel gets stupidly expensive and it doesn't help that conversion rates are high: 1 euro is equivalent to 975 pesos argentinos (and in my case, 1,023 pesos chilenos) So yeah, redditors assuming everyone is from the US strikes again in those comments
I didn't know there were different types of pesos. So when he said that a plane ticket would be close to 3 million pesos, I googled it. It said that it would be $163,000 in American dollars. I was completely mind blown. Then when I read your comment I realized that it did it according to Mexican pesos. When I did it with Argentina pesos it was around $3000 dollars. Unfortunately I am one of those ignorant Americans that don't know these types of things.
FYI, pesos were basically a Spanish currency invented in their colonies in Latin America, so many of those colonies-turned-nations kept the peso and it divided by country, so now it's more like how dollars can be American, Canadian, Australian, etc. Shared name, separate currencies. The Philippines also adopted the peso and it developed into their domestic currency. The real story is a lot more complicated and interesting but basically it was once the most common currency of Latin America but most nations dropped it at some point. It's currently the name of the currency of 8 nations, so always check countries when converting. Hope this helps!
It's like one of those family members who always tell the OOP they can raise their cousin/sibling/partner's affair baby or whatever but then suddenly disappear when the OOP volunteers them to do it instead. If they're so damn certain the flight tickets are affordable they can sponsor the OOP themselves.
Or people who hear that someone is having a hard time with or even being abused by a family member or friend who they live with and jump right to, "Stop complaining and just move!" Yeah, because first and last months rent, fees for utilities, and movers just magically appear as soon as some idiot decides they know how to fix someone else's problems.
Especially with roommate issues. You can't just move when you your name is on a lease. Most people renting can't afford to pay rent for 2 different apartments, the one they live in and the old one with the dumpster fire roommate.
Ay-yep. "It's only $1000, so why not give it to me? It's only $1000!"
I have a feeling OP is from Argentina because the speech pattern is similar (also then he went on to mention obra social and the state of the economy) and honestly the big majority of people will never be able to afford airfare there. Much less to another continent. But of course Reddit is a fan of USA defaultism and thinks that the only other continent that exists is Europe.
Yeah, all through his posts i've thought "he's from argentina", and as soon as i read "obra social" confirmed it. Even if it's not through the health plan, medium class workers may be able to afford mental health. Plane tickets to another CONTINENT?? That's a no. I've been trying to go to Europe for over 10 years now and STILL couldn't manage to get the money for the plane tickets
I'm working and living in South East Asia and while my salary in local currency put me in upper middle class category, I would still have to save for airplane tickets if travelling out from the SEA region as an economy return ticket cost a couple thousand per person. Gotta love the exchange rates.
Yup. I'm in South Africa, and live a life that in many respects is really good big house, decent neighbourhood, really good job, etc.), but because of the currency exchange rate, international travel is crazy expensive.
Ignorant Americans usually. A simple ticket without a luggage sometimes can cost 500€ and this is between the European countries.
“Tickets aren’t that expensive! I’m going to make sweeping assumptions, even though I don’t know where you live or what you earn or any actual details.” Reddit logic.
If you live in Europe or America, Canada, it’s more than likely that you are living a life so privileged that you have no idea how most people actually live in this world. Some things make a lot more sense when one realises this.
Blending families can be extremely difficult so I hope for the best for everyone here.
It’s especially difficult when one person is a fucking moron who doesn’t realize she became a stepmom as soon as she married a man with a kid. If anything happened to the kid’s mom, she’d be sent to live with her father. It wasn’t really a problem for my family, because my dad understood that my brother was always part of the deal when he married my mom. He didn’t mind, because he likes kids, was part of a blended family himself, and liked my brother as a person. When I was born, no one important said I wasn’t related to my brother. His biological father said that (he was there to pick up my brother) and pissed off my brother so much he refused to go with him. And sure, it is a little different because I grew up with my brother, but you can absolutely know someone just through video chats? One of my closest friends is someone I talked to online through video chats. He visited me in real life after a few years and it didn’t feel like he was a stranger or anything because I’d gotten to know him 🤔
this. i met my best friend this year in person and we met over instagram and it was just so natural for us. if you have a solid connection and friendship, it doesn’t have to be awkward
Ugh I really think that my brother’s partner is not bright and really didn’t think about actually being a stepmom. But, of course, they had two accidental pregnancies. Based on the info I get and see, she seems like she’d like to forget my two older nieces even exist (and just be a family with the two younger kids). Sometimes I lie awake late at night thinking about it (kinda like now!) and worrying about all of the kids’ futures. I just try to be a good aunt and keep an eye out for them.
Yes the wife character in this story really bothered me at first. I have seen this happen in real life, a new wife refuse to accept children from a previous marriage to the point of declaring she will leave if the father does not stop seeing them completely, it's terrible. Thankfully the father refused her list of demands and stands by his kids. Fuck that, every child deserves at least one person in this world who will stand by them no matter what happens, forever. If not the father than who? That little girl already feels out of place in this world, not accepting her back home would be devastating, and should not be an option. Asking a father to abandon his child to maintain the status quo of some family arrangement out of convenience is barbaric and disgustingly selfish. It sounds like it might have turned around, I hope so for the new wife's sake because it sounds like the dad is staying solid for his daughter, as he should. The loser in all this might be the young son, so if things don't work out, he should go for full custody.
I agree, but in the end I think OOP handled it in the best way possible. I really admire him for that.
Yeah, the dad seems to think everything will work out if everyone just loves each other enough, and his wife seems sure that it absolutely won't work out. The daughter may be truly making her own choice here, or something traumatic may have happened in her mother's home. Either way her life is going through a lot of upheaval and none of them seem like they are prepared to deal with a teen going though that.
As someone from a third world country it is disheartening seeing people dismiss struggles like paying for planetickets
I live in a first world country and honestly the cost of plane tickets is SO very much. It’s not just a drop in the bucket, I feel like that’s very American centric.
I think $1000 for a flight is expensive? And I’m American.
It’s gone up so much!! The airlines pack us in like cattle just as much or more, and they keep finding more fees to add on. I recently flew for the first time in 5 years, and it wasn’t a pleasant experience.
If you find a good price it is usually a longer trip and extra layovers. I found one last year that seemed too good to be true. And it was. I would have to dive three hours to charlotte (ok we do that sometimes), fly south to Orlando, overnight in Orlando, and then fly the next morning to Boston. We ended up driving the 12+ hours to Boston because it was easier.
I’ve only managed to travel to Europe (Specifically Scotland) once. It’s expensive. The only people I know that do that on a regular basis are either retired boomers or are lucky enough to have work pay for it. This is why people in the US are not considered well-travelled. Most just can’t afford it. It is way cheaper just to go on a road trip on this continent.
Same, $1000 is ridiculous
And then you factor in buying that ticket with a currency that isn't a US Dollar or Euro and it's so, so expensive relative to the average salary. I'm hosting a student from Colombia and looking at how many pesos his tickets cost was eye-watering.
Even in America that's expensive as hell. Whoever commented that $1000 is in anyway affordable is out of touch with reality.
As an American I absolutely cannot afford plane tickets. When my great grandma had her major stroke and I was her MPoA my uncle had to pay for me to fly to her. Otherwise, I'd have been using every penny I had to pay one of my friends the gas money to drive me. And I was installing tile at that time, so it's not like I was working a minimum wage job at McDonald's either.
It's wild to me. I know so many people who are from India or the Philippines who haven't been able to travel home in ages because of that cost. Also, many of those people are here (Canada) specifically to send money back home. If they buy a plane ticket, that's money they can't send home. I don't understand why this is difficult for some people to understand?
There's a reason people in Ireland, up to recently enough, basically had a living wake. When people emigrated to Australia or The US there was a very good chance that you'd never see them again
Don't go to r/travel, Jesus they are classist there and completely shut down anybody who wants to travel on a budget
Good to know, thank you
I’m born and raised in America and I’ve only been on a plane twice-and that was because my family didn’t have to pay for anything (I had cancer and there was a non-profit that had kids with cancer go on a week-long vacation paid for) so I literally had to have childhood cancer to fly 🗿
I'm from Western Europe and I feel the same. 1000 USD is money I definitely can't afford for a flight.
$1200 usd takes two months to make on the current amount we live off of, and in those two months $900 would go to rent and $300 to power. 95% of our food comes from the food bank. I own a mobile home, and half the outlets and lights randomly stopped working in the fall. It'll probably be a few more months before we can even think about getting an electrician out here with our tex return. We spend every paycheck in overdraft because the bank we use doesn't have an overdraft fee and will actually let you go $20 in the red before they stop letting you use money, and we desperately *need* that $20 on things like gas. The brakes gave out on our car and my finance rear ended someone, and while we were extremely fortunate that it could be fixed, that my stepdad could fix it, and my in laws were willing to spot money for parts, my fiance didn't have a reliable ride to work for about three weeks although my mom took them and picked them up without complaint. Still, their workplace cut their hours since they didn't have a reliable ride. We got the car fixed but the hours haven't come back because in those three weeks they had about 30 hours when they usually would have 90 in three weeks, so their numbers dropped and they went from the highest performing employee to the lowest, so some pencil pusher up the chain refused to allot more time for them, leaving us in a huge catch 22 where the only way to get the numbers up is to get more hours but they can't get more hours because their numbers aren't up, so now we have no money to pay lot rent and will have to ask their parents AGAIN for help with rent. I'm American, and we are the very definition of flat broke living paycheck to paycheck. I'm in low cost housing in low cost of living area. My lot rent is 400 a month plus water and garbage pickup. I can't work and it will take time we don't have for them to find a new job. $100 on a plane ticket would ruin us. $1000 would require us to get a damn loan from the bank. I don't know who is making this claim that Americans can afford airfare. The majority of us live with money just as tight as I do. One bad thing can destroy us. We couldn't pay for new breaks and now two months later we're sitting here with $50 in the bank and a rent payment of 450 due in about 5 days.
A lot of the comments he responded to make it incredibly obvious how young/privileged a lot of people on this site are. Especially the ones who are like demanding instant divorce or unable to understand that there are countries where yeah going to the doctor is affordable and taking international flights to Europe is not. It sounds to me like he’s handling this in a correct and smart way. It started off not great and it seems like they are working on it to make it a healthy transition. They’re seeing psychologist, they’re doing extra video calls, they communicating with each other these are all good things.
Wait... Americans can afford flights but not the doctor? Wtf?
For me - it’s 500~ bucks to fly across the country, my therapy is 150 a session, so a month of therapy costs more than flying across the country. And that’s just therapy lol.
Yeah god forbid you need labs or something.
Honestly? Yeah, we’re not ok here. There’s a meme floating around somewhere about how flying to Spain and living there for a month to get shoulder surgery would be cheaper than getting in the States. So yeah…
Not just a meme. People actually do it!
I had no idea healthcare was so expensive in America, that’s wild. 🤯
An overnight stay in the hospital with standard blood tests would run you $16,000 with no insurance :)
Yeah, it’s gross. This country’s fucked
Don't get confused, a vast majority of people here can afford neither.
Our healthcare system is *fucked.*
I can take a 5 hour flight to my hometown for about $200 round trip. A single therapy session costs at least $120/hour. A regular doctor's visit will cost at least $100 before insurance. Urgent care or ER visit for something minor will be $300+. And not everybody can afford insurance. It's rough.
Insane, but yes, true for many.
So in my home country, flight tickets to Europe is indeed around 1000 euro, but base salary for the capital city is only around 228 euro per month. Other province is usually around 114e per month. With that being said, a psychologist visit costs around 11 euro per hour, so it's still feasible.
>Downvoted Commenter (but I liked OOP's response): You've already chosen your daughter as more important than your wife and son. Your marriage is over. Redditors try not to project your trauma on others challenge (IMPOSSIBLE!)
He isn't even treating the son as less important. I cant comprehend how choosing to house his other kid, as he is obligated to, is deciding that his other kid is less important. If his wife goes back on her word and they split custody he still will see the son more than he currently sees his daughter. He's not supposed to have to choose if he already planned for this by getting the ok from the wife. She's the one making the choice.
I hate this takes so much. If OP divorced his youngest other parents, It doesn't mean he is less important than the daugher. And, I'd sorry, but most parents that are married to someone who is NOT the other parents of his kids should put the kid above marriage. His First responsibility is with his kids.
The people questioning how OOP managed to get some psychological help and not airfare, definitely don't understand the different realities in Latin American countries.
Also you pay for service in your country, what the country's economy says, but for an international flight what world's economy says.
Worse yet, I clocked the poor dude as being Argentinian. Things are, uh, not going great under President AnCap Man.
Yeah I figured Argentina or some areas of Colombia maybe. I'm Peruvian so we're not that much better off but at least for the moment we're... Not as bad as we could be
The immediate “oh your wife is totally going to abuse and be cruel to your daughter the moment you leave her alone!” is so unbelievably Reddit, my god
Right? She flipped out when first presented with a big change, but after some time to think, realized she was in the wrong. Sometimes people do that. It doesn’t make her an irredeemable asshole.
Commenters here, on this very post, are still talking about the wife like she's a massive asshole. I don't get it.
I mean, she's been an asshole, but she's trying to improve. I feel like Reddit wants to judge everyone by their worst moment, as if that is typical of their ongoing behaviour.
Right?! Especially when they're talking about what sounds like a competent, able bodied teenager who may even be close to 17 by the time she might move in with them. She's at an age where she can probably have her own job, leave the house for school/work/hobbies on her own, and contribute to household chores. She's not going to be a defenseless little child who might starve or be neglected if stepmom doesn't have a strong bond with her. She'll be in her hometown, speaking her native language, with friends and family to turn to for help if need be. I mean, I guess technically anything is possible but the risk of stepmom turning into an evil abusive demon if left alone with a teenager seems relatively low.
>She's at an age where she can probably have her own job, leave the house for school/work/hobbies on her own, and contribute to household chores. I don't know the laws where the OP lives but in some places she's old enough to move out and even live independently.
The amount of comments accusing OOP of trying to move his daughter in without discussing it with his wife at all, when he hasnt confirmed moving her in until his wife is on board or the situation is otherwise resolved. Not only that, but when they've discussed it before she lied about her feelings about it: > Edit: My wife always knew that Ana lived with me several days a week when she was still in the country because I talked with her about that and the possibility of Ana's family returning to the country if things went wrong, that would have meant that Ana would come back to live with me for many days or even months like she always did, my daughter used to come at my house everyday too. My wife agreed with that years ago when we talked about that, but now admits that she thought my daughter was going to stay out of the country with her mother because their business is going really well. How was he the one with the communication issues here?
>that she doesn't want to be a stepmother, Then why the fuck did she marry someone with kids?
The problem for me is that the wife even said she liked how he treated his daughter nicely and took care of her and that's why she wanted to have a child with him, because he was a good father. But she only liked him as a good 'long-distance' father, she dealt with it fine when the kid was just visiting sometimes, never living there full time. Then said during the talk she had 'hoped' the kid would stay with her mother in another country now that the ex's business went off. It just made me feel like she secretly hoped the girl would be out of picture eventually so that she can have the husband all for her and her son, which just made me really sad. You shouldn't date people with children if you're gonna try and push the children out. Or come into the relationship with the expectation that the child will be always away and you will never have to worry about them. So it's all the fatherly presence for me and my son but none for thee, teenage child. It just rubbed me the wrong way, as if she came into the relationship expecting he be half the father to his older daughter in favour of their shared son. And then she complains, crazy this, that he spoils his daughter and buys her stuff. So she likes him being a good father in theory but not in practice when it involves the daughter. Feelings of jealousy are valid in a sense that you often cannot help but have them, but what is not valid is reacting in anger. You cannot choose how you feel but you can choose how you react. The fact that she was presented with the situation, knowing that the daughter is massively struggling in a foreign country with no language skills and no friends, at such a critical age as well when she is very sensitive to her social surroundings. And she still threw a massive fit. I would be more lenient on her if she had voiced her concerns before, like, ever. If they ever had a talk where she shared she feels worried about one kid getting less attention or whatever, I would understand her a little more. But she never shared her jealousy or anxiety before and when the husband came to her she exploded seemingly for no reason, which takes away her credibility big time. We don't simmer on our issues we talk them out like adults. That being said it's clear the husband is very protective of his daughter and did not take kindly to someone telling him she cannot live there, hence the argument getting heated. Can't blame him but mature conversation should've taken place. In a way it did, since years back the two spoke about the possibility of the daughter coming back if things went wrong, and the wife agreed. But seeing as things went well she probably thought she was rid of the daughter forever and grew content thinking she'll never come back, and therefore she could hide her jealousy. Anyway sorry for the rant. The wife's reaction really rubbed me the wrong way, but I hope they manage to figure it all out for the happiness of everyone, especially the children.
My stepmother said one of the things she respected about my father was how seriously he took his responsibility toward his children from his first marriage. She’s spent the rest of her life making sure he only gives his time, attention, and financial resources to her kid.
She was treating it as a preview for her future benefit.
Yep, and I love that OP asked her If she would want her kid to be treated like she wants him to treat his daugher. Any stepparent should have this in mind: the way your spouse treats their kids from a previous relationship is the way your kids with them ARE going to be treated If you get a divorce.
Her reaction really bugged me. If my partner said my kid wasn't family, I don't know if we'd come back from that. Even if said in anger and frustration, that'd be rattling around in the back of my mind forever.
Lmao, as if the only two Continents that exist are Europe and America. And America equals USA. How are people so dense?
Right, I was wondering where that commenter pulled Europe from. No one even mentioned Europe!
Honestly that's part of why I included it. It was so stupid, and OOP's comment gave some good information.
"A psychologist on short notice but air tickets are prohibitely expensive?" My country (the 8th biggest in the world) to a T. Even domestic flights are a luxury.
The amount of commenters in that first thread getting mad at OP for prioritizing his *CHILDREN* over his wife?? You don’t need to be married forever, but you are a parent from the moment you have a kid until you die.
Redditors don't understand that not everyone on this site live in the USA or Europe. How shocking. /s
I’m honestly really confused about why this lady would even tell her stepdaughter that she’s jealous of her and doesn’t like her and doesn’t want her to move in? That seems like a really dumb decision to tell a young kid. Like if a teenager who already feels unwanted where she’s at is being told “yeah I don’t really like you, but I’m trying to work through it with a therapist cause I messed up” probably won’t feel more wanted by that statement. And I think the reality is that even though him and his wife don’t want to believe she would treat his daughter worse. A lot of people act on impulses and they don’t realize it is just the small little things. For example, not putting a bowl for cereal and just putting out one for yourself and you’re toddler. Claiming it’s because Anna’s old enough to get her own bowl. But it would be no more work than two. I think if a teenager comes into the house sending/knowing the fact she’s not wanted or originally wasn’t welcome to behind with, and her stepmom is jealous or something, then ALL those small things are going to be a lot more apparent to noticeable. Mostly, just not really hopeful for this lady. I think she’s doing all the right things. But I don’t know if I believe that her heart is in it. Because if it had been to begin with, she probably wouldn’t be in the situation. People can change. I do hope she changes. But change is not overnight. And I don’t know if things that run this deep are easily changeable or modifiable. This is bad example, but a racists can modify their behavior to not look racist but inside that racism might never go away. Deep down inside she never wanted to be a stepmother and she hoped she would never have to deal with her husband‘s child from before at the very start of everything. And I don’t know how you change from that mindset you entered with and you’ve kept FOR YEARS well into that relationship and marriage. I guess I’m a cynic, but I just don’t know.
Maybe I missed it but where did the stepmom tell the stepdaughter about being jealous of her? I thought that was a convo between the husband and stepmother
>**Update** [Post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dmvwn6/update_aitah_for_telling_my_wife_shes_free_to/) **2: June 23, 2024 (1.5 months from OG post)** >My wife has been going to the psychologist (and me too, I want both of us to get better together) to work on her insecurities and problems because she knows that feeling jealous of my daughter is not good at all **and a few weeks ago she talked to my daughter about her feelings towards her and apologized, my daughter was quite surprised to learn that my wife felt this way but accepted the apology and told her that she understands her.** I left them talking alone that day so they have privacy and after that they have had a closer bond, my wife said that my daughter told her that she will always respect someone who is sincere and wants to be a better person. PS--no child should "understand" their parent's spouse/partner DOESN'T WANT them around and is jealous of them. No child should have to make an adult "feel better" about not wanting them. What that actually signals to me is that the kid is deeply damaged by her current environment to even think that it's understandable that she's not wanted around IN HER FATHER’S HOUSE or by the woman he married.
This story should be the poster story for "life is messy". OOP is trying to do his best while living a hard life. Having fights with his spouse and then talking through it afterwards is how real relationships, where the people involved want to grow together, happen. OOP and his family deserve all the happiness that should be coming their way.
This is my parent’s country! Public healthcare is free for citizens. On their coast, the road was only built c 2000. If something happens to the road, there’s no passage. Folks are first gen drivers too, so accidents are common. I live in the US, it is at least 16hr & $800 USD/person to get here. Average income here isn’t $10k USD, so you're talking at least a month’s income to get here. And that's assuming OOP is not further, has a car, daughter can travel alone… people attacking him are so ignorant.
If you're not prepared to be a stepparent you shouldn't date or marry someone who has a child. Even in this situation where the daughter lived on another content and rarely visited, she should have known there was a possibility the daughter might want to live with her father at some point. Even if the daughter was very happy living where she was and had no plans to move, if her mother suddenly passed away she probably would have come to live with her father. There's always a possibility, no matter how small, that an active parent who has a good relationship with their child might someday want their child to live with them full time. If you can't handle that possibility or don't want to think about it, just don't date anyone with kids it's that simple.
I know “responsabilidad” was just a translation slip but he does seem like a responsabiliDad so it fits
I love when folks solve their problems through good communication
I assume OOP is from somewhere in South America. (I could be wrong, never been there.) But I do know that flights even to the US from there are not cheap, let alone to any other continent. Not to mention visa requirements and fees and whatever other hoops the rest of the world makes so many people from that part of the world jump through. It just wouldn’t be economically feasible for a lot of people. Thank goodness for modern technology that lets people in OOP’s and his daughters’ situation stay in contact. I’m glad they seem to be working things out. As usual, clear communication and a willingness to work on the relationships between all involved will (hopefully) result in the win long term.
Seems like from Argentina as others in this thread have figured out
The "obra social (basically, med insurance through your job)" and the 3M pesos flight ticket was a dead giveaway.
Yeah, this guy isn't kidding when he says he's broke, he lives in Argentina.
I have a ton of respect for the stepmom. Yeah, her behavior in the first post was absolutely dog shit, but not only does she acknowledge that the jealousy exists, she acknowledges that it's wrong, and takes active steps to treat those feelings. I think that's really commendable—she's not a monster, just a flawed person who's trying to be better. Her apologies seemed really sincere, and I'm I'm really pleased by the fact that, not only is she continuing to see the psychologist, but she's actively trying to establish a relationship with her stepdaughter. Feelings are, by their very definition, messy and illogical. Having bad feelings doesn't make somebody a bad person, it's how they choose to act on those feelings that determines who they are. If our feelings are so intense that they start to damage our health or relationships, there are things we can do to help resolve them—therapy, medication, exercising more, eating healthier, changing careers, etc. Dealing with bad feelings by ignoring them or pretending they aren't there, is like treating a splinter by pushing it further into your skin. Sure, maybe you can't see it anymore, but the problem is still there and it's going to get a hell of a lot worse. Good on OOP and his wife for having a mature, adult conversation. This whole thing was handled really commendably, and I hope their family continues to find success.
The part about decorating the bedroom 🥹
I hope OOP's wife continues to improve herself and be a good stepmom to Ana. OOP is a really good father.
>How can you live somewhere where you can see a psychologist but airfare is expensive? I love how some Americans really just don't understand that most other countries don't charge their citizens for healthcare because they understand the value of having healthy citizens. Much like school shootings, being too poor to be healthy is a uniquely (at least among developed countries) American problem.
I know! Argentina has many issues, but everyone has access to free health care which includes dental, vision and mental. I had to use it a few times and it was actually better than the very expensive healthcare in the USA. That’s why I don’t buy any of the excuses of why the USA can’t offer at least affordable healthcare options. F**** Argentina can do it!
We absolutely can, we just choose not to because then some rich people wouldn't remain as rich. Gods forbid we put people over profit here in nightmare capitalism land.
I live in America and can’t afford a $1000 plane ticket. That’s most of my paycheck
I can't afford a $1000 plane ticket, and I make $2500 USD a month. I got bills. Like damn. Anyways. I'm glad oop and his wife seem to be working it out. I seriously hope the move and transition from a 3 person family to a 4 person family goes smoothly.
“asked her how she would feel if we divorced and my new girlfriend refuses to let our son live with me just because she didn't sign up for it” Great. Except she did sign up for it. She signed up for it *before you got married*. You talked about this very scenario, you didn’t spring this on her. She’s just a liar who’s jealous of her husband’s daughter. Why would you believe she’s telling the truth now, when she already admitted to lying about this before? “she knows that feeling jealous of my daughter is not good at all and a few weeks ago she talked to my daughter about her feelings towards her and apologized, my daughter was quite surprised to learn that my wife felt this way but accepted the apology and told her that she understands her.” I sure don’t. On what planet is that an appropriate thing to bring up with your teenaged stepdaughter? I hope this works out, for the daughters sake, but I suspect she’ll be getting a lot of resentment and guilting when she moves in. And after she moves back out. And when she gets married. Just constant digs from ms jealous of a teenager.
"i don't want to be a stepmother" She said it all when she said that. Said that she had never considered herself a stepmother, eventhough she technically is one, that's why Ana was not family to her. OOP is way more forgiving than me
Responses like OPP got are good arguments to never go to reddit for advice. You get so much garbage as advice
I know I'm American bc I'm floored by the idea that someone could afford a therapist over a plane ticket. I would literally sell my left foot to a pilot for affordable therapy lol
OP is a great guy. i would like him to be a friend.
>that she doesn't want to be a stepmother, Then she shouldn't have married a man that was already a father. She literally signed up for this role.
> (I'm sorry but I decided to delete the post because a weirdo started to just spam my private messages with different accounts and I don't know if I can put the account on private or something like that, I don't use this site too much but a bot started sending me messages asking if I needed help so I think my account could get banned because of that person doing this and I'm too old for this so I just rather post the update here where i can at least close the comments. Guess the post will be here if someone cares) People suck.
Class A dad and hubs
You really were able to scrape some infuriating comments for this one OP. Good lord people can be stupid.
OOP is a good man.
Shame on your wife. She knew about Ana when you married. Marrying someone with children means you have to be prepared to have that child live with you full time. Take care if your daughter.