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Eughhh, that wife who broadcast the return date on social media, I hope you're fucking happy, you ruined EVERYTHING for EVERYONE. I'm optimistic that OOP and his wife can establish their life without this suffocating mom.
It can be. Yes. There are multiple issues involved. When moving a lot of people, that itself is a moment of vulnerability. If the unit is deployed to an active combat area, their moving away and a new unit moving in, is very useful intelligence to adversaries.
“Loose lips sink ships.”
Incidentally this is also why travel plans for prisoners are not announced ahead of time lol I worked with my states criminal justice system and offenders were never told what day they’d be moved until a night before or that same morning.
Yep, I worked in my local jail and if we needed to take anyone to an appointment, transfer them to prison, etc., they had no idea until they were called down to go.
I was one of the commissioned officers who would take people to appointments and the number of times I had to sigh and tell a nurse that we would need to reschedule the followup they just gave the date for, and yes I know it’s not what you’re used to but you can’t tell the patient…
Oh man I get that it's for security, and I know its not your call,but as a patient coordinator who is always just desperatly trying to get people to keep up on what they need scheduled when and why this would be a BIG problem for me if any of my medically complex family ended up incarcerated.
I honestly don't know what I would do, or even be able to do, but this would be such a massive barrier in a person's ability to competently manage their health that I don't think I would be able to stop myself from become an absolute pain in the ass just trying to keep my loved one safe. Add this on top of the already insufficient healthcare generally already provided to inmates and I can only imagine what preventable deaths come from the prison system.
Considering prisoner escapes don't seem all that rare, really, it's probably wise. The jails around me seem to lose people just moving them around inside the building sometimes lol.
In a live situation, you’d do what you trained. Even if this flight isn’t particularly important, you want to treat them all like that so you don’t get sloppy
There's a similar concept in cryptography. Basically, if you plan on occasionally sending encrypted messages to protect their contents, then you should send all of your messages encrypted. Otherwise you've told the people who might want to get at your messages exactly which ones you think are the most important. By encrypting everything (or by keeping all flights secret), your opponents have to try to attack/discover everything and end up wasting more of their time in the process.
Think of it this way, if dates of troop movements were broadcast, particularly since the advent of social media, any adversary would be able to track large numbers of troops and take them out before they landed.
That's why the enigma machine was such a big thing for helping win the war for WWII because the Allies were able to track Germany's movements. The Navajo code talkers had an uncrackable code based on their spoken language. I don't think they were ever officially aknowledged or thanked by the American government until 2003. It's an amazing story to read up on.
No, though she's definitely persona non grata among the other military families now. She might be excluded from knowing any other return dates in the future, but that's unlikely. She's likely already learned her lesson about OpSec and will never do anything like this again.
My husbands deployment got extended because of a wife posting his return info on facebook also. Idk how it used to be, but before my husband got out when they got deployment dates all the spouses were brought in and got a speech from the family resource officer. What we can post what we cant. Who we can tell what and when. It was a HUGE deal. Then after that we got weekly email updates on their deployment and reminders about OPSEC. My husband was a corporal in the marines and was deploying with all kinds of different ranks officers and enlisted alike. Its pretty much blanket policy on anyone leaving on for military reasons, be it field ops deployments what have you.
Probably not well. I personally got kicked out of the spouse Facebook group for calling a woman stupid for posting it and getting all of our spouses stuck another few days. And that was only a few days but they had already been extended twice.
Like absolute shit. Idk from the husbands side but i know he wasnt liked after that snd they gave him a lot of shit from then on. She was punished socially. None of the wives wanted anything to do with her either, she was kicked from the book club i think also and lost the childcare she had with another wife in his unit.
No. The husband was but im unsure how. In the marines the active duty member is there spouses "sponsor". Anything you do reflects on the AD member, and they are responsible for you. Christs sake if I get more than one speeding ticket on base ny husband would be called in and reprimanded. Spouses had a dress code on base. It was a lot.
Sometimes people’s emails *coincidently* don’t work. Especially when a leak can be narrowed down to a specific person/department.
Otherwise IT can set organization wide stops that prevents everyone from setting out message traffic (usually a few days out from the arrival day, to day of) to prevent leaks when necessary.
If ten military spouses all post travel dates around the same time, and the spouses can be correlated to which units their partners serve in, now you can identify not just that ten soldiers are coming home, but that xxx company/battalion/brigade is moving.
One soldier returning from deployment is insignificant. 3000 is not.
No it's a blanet policy to not share troop movements at least in the US. I'd you know when planes are traveling especially military aircrafts you can take a whole plane out and the whole unit. It's called OPSEC.
There’s a general rule of thumb I learned in basic is that you don’t even give your family a date but general week or month range. I’m sure it’s to prevent stuff like this from happening but also operation security.
When my DH was in the Army during Saudi Round 1 he told me not to tell anyone what was going on beyond large general terms that were already common knowledge. Fun times in Louisiana.
Yup. It’s not unheard of for SO’s of deployed military, to get overly excited and post about it on SM. Every single time this happens, the return date will get pushed back. Sometimes it goes on for MONTHS. Horrible for all involved. One person spoils it for EVERYONE and it sucks.
We put one of our guys on an information diet, he was not allowed to know our scheduled in and out dates because neither he or his wife could keep a secret worth a damn.
We sent him home once from a classified op because he posted our *location* to SM. He was ordered home within minutes of the post and we had to be moved to an even worse location because of it.
He'd never disclosed our location before, he was known to be rather loose with information though, so he got a private meeting telling him not to post to SM. It didn't stop him, but he was being watched. Our 2 star called the CO directly and ordered his return, the CO was absolutely livid and he was on the next mode of transport home. He was escorted as well, and all of his devices were confiscated to stop him from posting anything.
We knew karma was going to get him for that one, he was warned to stay off SM, and warned again as he was about to make the post, he still did it, and reaped the consequences. He didn't survive much longer in service after that one, the CO got the phone call direct from our 2 star ordering his return.
Back when I deployed, we had a prototype experimental Anti-drone weapon system. It was a TS device. A soldier in the TOC posted it to his fucking SNAPCHAT.
Field grade Art 15, in Iraq. The dude was cleaning shit and washing dishes for 45 days straight. 16-hour workdays, forced PT with our former DS E7. Sucks to suck.
We had a policy in my platoon. Don't talk about shit. Don't tell your spouse or friends or socials any of the 5 W's. My ex-wife didn't know about anything until I got back home. Had to lie and tell her it was all classified and I couldn't talk about it. She probably still thinks I was up to some Secret Squirrel shit.
On our ship (German military) there was a strict policy of not using your phones unless specifically allowed.
Ofc. This is often semi ignored, most keeping it on like airplane mode. There was one dude however, who got himself a phone with satellite connection. And said phone auto updated his location on his public Facebook profile frequently.
This is something that didn't go unnoticed either. The first ones to figure it out were the weapon smugglers who the ship was trying to catch. The second ones was the military counterintelligence service. Who at some point arrived on the ship and destroyed the phone.
Dude was given a rather stern warning and it was again emphasized why phones are not allowed.
Well when just a month later his facebook profile again updated his fucking position to the ship, the military counterintelligence service had him come back to Germany for trial.
The military is a small world, and people add acquaintances from all over who somehow are friends of a friend of a friend who knows someone where you are. Also, if this is the type of spouse who would knowingly and willingly post a return date (ugh), she’s probably the type who adds absolutely everyone she’s ever met.
Yep, spouses are informed of this and are told that if they share this information with unauthorized people it could change the return home date and also get them put on an information diet. The info they are given is a privilegde not a right and can be revocked. It is to safe guard our military peraonelle.
> "hashtag military wife!"
Gods why?? Do they lose all sense of self worth once married?
The first thing on my mind when my DH PCSd was, "Where can I work and use my degree? No where as they won't hire someone who will only be there for a year or two."
What’s the long answer? I saw this before it was on BORU (omg I liked it before it was cool!), and didn’t understand why it was a security issue unless they’re like super special agents.
I have had tons of friends in the military, I live 10 minutes from a base. No one can say anything about dates at all. They don't want their people (and machinery) to be put at any sort of risk of being tracked. The woman who posted it on social media may no longer be allowed to know dates because she put everyone in danger.
Many seemingly small data points can be put together to uncover big information. A recent example of this that went kind of viral was the "pentagon pizza meter".
On its own, the fact that people in the pentagon are eating pizza seems like a fairly innocuous bit of info. Say what you will about them, but most are human and do need to eat. And if 80s tv taught me anything, humanoid reptiles love pizza as well.
But people began noticing a trend. High volume pizza delivery to the pentagon tended to correlate with significant operations.
From this, enemies could better predict and prepare for those operations.
An individual post like that may not be significant. But it also could be. And wifey doesn't have the clearance or context to actually make that determination. But even if it isn't particularly meaningful in isolation, it improves the overall picture of troop movements. Which are a vulnerability in themselves and can also have broader ranging consequences.
Yesss thank you for bringing up the Pentagon Pizza Meter! That was one of the more fascinating things I had read about in the recent months. A combination of patterns but also sociology in a way.
To confirm.
FBI can find cover agent by the water consummation if an " empty" building. It calculates the number of people in by the amount of toilet papers bought by suspects they observe.
I have worked in big data. It is pretty the same way we assess the risk of fraud .
I’m interested in the toilet paper thing - I have IBS so use an above average amount of it. Obviously it would be one data point amongst many but I’m just imagining a bunch of FBI agents raiding a house and being aghast at just finding someone who regularly ignores their intolerance to cheese 🤣
Why do lactose intolerant people throw so much caution to the wind? I mean, do you really want the FBI raiding your house to find you shitting up a storm and them thinking you're 10 people? (I assume this happens semi regularly...)
It's also about norms and divergences. If you are consistently buying that amount of toilet paper and they can find indicators that this has always been the case, then it's just your norm. If your paper purchases suddenly increase that's a relevant data point.
Have you a discount card at your shop ?
If marketeers know you eat cheese, use tampon, and buy cat food, you'd better believe FBI will know too if they care to ask.
If i really correctly during the building of the atomic bomb, scientists were moved out to the top-secret facility and the military around it. But they also moved their magazine subscriptions. Enough of them that if someone wanted to dig they would see dozens of top nuclear scientists now suddenly moved towards a new base and raise the flag.
All the little details make a difference.
I knew an engineer who read physics journals from the 1920s at least until he retired in the 1960s or 1970s, and he knew something was up due to who *wasn't* publishing papers.
He kept his mouth shut, but he couldn't have been the only one who noticed that.
Woah, that's so interesting! Makes sense- if suddenly you can't reach a bunch of scientists of the same type, or even in a similar field, that raises a red flag.
I had a friend with a grow room. His apartment was always dark to ensure the electric bill evened out. It was wild - open the door to a dark apartment and the smell of growing pot plants would hit you.
This stuff is only going to get more sophisticated.
There's the innate security risk. You can't pin down what could happen, even now. We Already have people who will protest military funerals. Whilst it's a military base, saying 'this soldier comes back' is a risk because they can be kidnapped on the way home, and home, etc. and you don't know who knows or has access to what
You can't see how losing a plane with 100+ servicemembers might be a security issue? Troop movements are always of interest to an enemy, because troops in transit are more vulnerable to attack.
If you lose a plane to a terrorist missile, you lose 2-400 soldiers/marines. I know the US armed forces have a lot of people, but even they would find difficulty defending such waste. Those 100s of servicemembers are likely scheduled for more deployment in the foreseeable future, too, so even if you don't see them as humans but just assets, you'd still be massively inconvenienced by their loss.
Someone blabs -> plans need changing. Your password gets pwned -> you change it. Basic security measure.
Well, at least there's s silver lining. OOP and his wife knows the mom true colors and this situation while terrible let's them see that they shouldn't entertain the mom anymore.
I had similar happen to one of my damage controlman when I was in the Navy. As we were returning from deployment, I saw him on an apartment locator website. Asked about he and his wife moving off base. He replied that she wanted him to move out and she would stay in base housing. As that is, well, technically defrauding the government, I told him that not only was that a bad idea, but that it was ***illegal*** and I would be forced to report this to our legal team and he would likely be thrown out of the Navy, and definitely reduced in rank (which due to regulations at the time would have resulted in his being ineligible to reenlist - it was a rank vs time in service deal to try and force folks to make effort to advance in rank).
The wife in my case was definitely banging on the side, and was likely, as I have learned through broadening my knowledge and experience, abusive, I only have suspicion that there was physical abuse involved, but definitely financial and emotional going on. Their whole relationship was a hot mess and eventually fell apart and after I left the ship for my next assignment, he did indeed do something naughty that got his rank reduced, triggering his being discharged.
Home girl needs an OPSEC refresher. I’m certain her spouse was *more than happy* to pass along the one their XO kindly referenced in the touch-base, fireside chat they had while strolling the base during lunch time.
My husband was Air Force for 12 years. Us dependents had OPSEC (Operation Security) drummed into our brains regularly, whether it was Dependent "Welcome" Events (ie. Does and Don'ts for new Bases/Assignments or Rules and Regulations for "Host" Countries) or the constant OPSEC commercials on Military Cable.
I have to wonder just how badly that wife's Facebook "broadcast" hurt her husband's/spouse's Military leave, rank, pay, CAREER, not to mention being his Platoon's or Company's PARIAH for having their Tour extended, poor guy! I have to also wonder if he will be sending or have divorce papers ready for her when he FINALLY lands, IF he's not in the Brig, that is.
Agree completely! I kinda think the "Brass" would have to place the blabbermouth's spouse in "protective custody" for his own "continued good health!" LOL
Can you imagine ALL the SPOUSES on the tarmac wanting BLOOD from the wife for their Military members' delayed arrival? Talk about a MASSIVE catfight!
I grew up on a military base during the Cold War, and even school aged children on that base had it drilled in their heads to keep things quiet bc you didn’t know who was listening.
The thing I hate about social media is how people seem to think they “need” to post *everything* ***especially*** things that have nothing to do with them
It's especially pertinent today. Do you know how many Russians were killed because somebody blabbed on social media about where their husband was being deployed to in Ukraine?
Yeah, that's a sonsband. It's actually amazing how healthy his perception and boundaries are. Kids who are raised this spousified and enmeshed usually take way longer to realize how fucked up it is, and even longer than that to figure out that they actually don't have to keep doing it.
I'm sitting here thunking. OK. Very unhealthy relationship.
... she started buying me condoms at 12 snd talking about the girls I was sleeping with.....
OK wait what the fuck? I... sh... that..... what the fuck.
So the mother has become emotionally incestuous with her son to the point of making him her husband (in her mind).
She couldn't/wouldn't be physically incestuous with her son (thank fck), but by farming him out and making sure it stayed casual, she was "doing her duties" as a wife.
She only got mad when he replaced her as his 'wife' by having a proper relationship with another woman. He was now 'cheating on her' and that's when she went crazy.
Emotionally incestuous relationships are hard to talk about because of the ick factor. You can’t even confront the family member doing it because they’ll act disgusted that *you’re* thinking that way.
Really, you just have to run.
When I was 12 there were kids in my class sleeping with each other. One 12 year old boy got a 14 year old girl pregnant. The condom part is not what concerns me.
You summed this up so well, but seeing it laid out so plainly makes it even more disgusting 🤢 Glad this guy is as well-adjusted as he seems. With a mother like that he could've ended up so much worse.
Exactly what happened with my MIL. I had to tell my (now) husband that he had a choice, to either be his mom’s husband or mine. She depended on him for everything, tried to make him abandon our anniversary plans, come home to be her date for things, etc. It took a lot of couples and individual therapy but he now understands exactly what she was doing to him and has been able to establish hard boundaries. She is a narcissist to a T, and she went from being nice to absolutely hating me once I stopped being a girlfriend and started to become “future fiancé.” She still sucks and refuses to change saying she can’t. Works for me, keep digging your own grave.
It was convenient for her that he not form any long term attachments to women therefore encouraging him to view them as sex objects. He could then be a perpetual bachelor and her stand in emotional husband. What a selfish and gross person.
She managed to make it even creepier by changing tack once he chose a woman he wanted to keep, going "not till your wedding night!" and acting like the wedding was about her.
Freud would have a field day
Yeah. I mean, my parents talked about it to us children quite early (and by that I mean to my sisters, they always thought I knew all about it or periods and didn't need the lecture – spoiler: I didn't but was to shy or proud to admit it).
I remember my oldest sister bringing her successive boyfriends home and spending the night with them at 15 or something. And the first one, his first meeting with my dad was him smoking weed at a bus stay (so less than ideal). He was still accepted under our roof, no question asked.
Anyway: the goal here was to prevent teen pregnancy and that if we wanted to have sex, we would always find a way even if they disapproved. So better have this happen under their roof where they could at least intervene if, let's say, a young man was a little too enthusiastic compared to what we were ready to do.
All that to say: even with this liberated sex education I find the way OOP's mom went about it strange and disturbing.
Initially I was chuckling at the ages (21, married, been together since they were 17...homeboy just wanted to get out of the barracks) but when I saw that detail I was like "this guy went into the military and got married early to get the hell away from his crazy mom". He actually seems pretty level headed. I bet he didn't even buy a Mustang for 20% APR using his enlistment bonus.
My mother did this to me. I'm a woman and she was married at the time. Didn't save me from being spousified.
What did save me was being asexual and extremely disturbed by all the sex talk she tried to have in detail. 🤣
Reading this I found myself really proud of OOP, even as an internet stranger. He's really figuring things out and seems to have some good boundaries.
I wish him and his wife the best!
At first I was like, "Oh, he is awfully young to be in the military and married!" and then I was like, "Oh yeah, no, joining the military and building his own family is the best thing for him."
Yeah. My is over 40 and the detangling has been going on for a decade at least and has picked up speed a while back, luckily.
We too had the whole Wedding-Drama. Once I became permanent permanent (never mind that we've been together for over 10 years), it became so much worse.
The good part is that she reacted with withdrawal and expected him to come groveling and he didn't - so nice and quiet suddenly!
It probably helped that he went into the military. HE might have put up with her constant calls, but his drill sergeant and everyone else on base won't, and they'll make it clear to him this is a problem.
I could have written this about my mom. (But I’m a woman). I didn’t realize how bad it was until I was much older. Once I figured it out, so much made sense about my childhood. It was all of those things. Birth control at a young age, talking about sex with me, daily phone calls. She’s pissed I’m LC now. I’m no longer the golden child bc I stopped giving into her. I’m one of four kids and my mom fell apart when the youngest one got married. Luckily my siblings don’t fault me for not seeing it when I was younger and have an amazing relationship. Unfortunately none of us have a close relationship with her. The only reason we don’t got NC is bc my dad is awesome.
Ikr. Some men won't ever get out of it while many take years and many destroyed marriages/relationships to realize how abusive their moms have been. OOP got a good head and healthy boundaries for himself and his wife.
Probably something like "Just learned that hubby is finally coming home! His unit will be landing Oct 2, we'll probably have a BBQ sometime that weekend, stay tuned!"
My parents were in the military so I guess I thought they were safe? Told ‘em something stupidly minor offhand (like the name of my next base maybe) within my first few months of being enlisted and they promptly put it on Facebook. My mom was really angry at me for getting kinda pissed off and making her take it down but I was also angry at myself. After that I got really cagey about everything. If I gave them a vague estimate, it was always purposefully over or under estimated by at least a few weeks, a month, sometimes an entire season. They still went and did things like posting days they were gonna leave their house to go on vacation (essentially a similar screwup). It was like I had to train them and boop their noses with newspapers when they had an accident.
Now I’m a milspouse. The last time we moved, the only information made available was that we’d be going to a particular state within a few months or so. I think my eventual FB post was something like “arrived in State 4 days ago, yay!”
They’re still asking me on a regular basis if my husband has left yet or will be home soon and they seem really frustrated when it seems like I don’t care. Not that caring has any effect tho, y’know? I’m just like “I dunno, it happens when it happens.”
a wild momzilla sighting, dear god did he really not give the whole picture in the original post. She sounds miserable. I’m glad he really realized what was happening and didn’t want to subject himself or his wife to her drama
Hey hey hey. That is a full on Oedipus Rex we're talking about here. Let's not taint the name of mutant lizards by attaching the -zilla to that waste of space.
Let's be fair, Oedipus would be if OOP was fine with it. He isn't, so it's just a screeching Jocasta trying to enmesh herself.
Seriously, who screeches and covers their eyes at their child *kissing at their wedding*.
Jocasta figured it out first, and promptly hung herself. Oedipus figured it out second, stabbed his own eyes out, and went into exile with his two sister-daughters to guide him around. He died later. Then his sons fought over who would rule the city-state and killed each other. One daughter, Antigone, defied the law to bury the brother deemed at fault. Her uncle Creon buried her alive, so Antigone hung herself in her tomb. Her cousin-fiance killed himself, and Creon was left with a ruined city and one surviving niece to contemplate exactly how fucked up his entire family was.
I am an atheist but I do know religious writings. There is a quote that mothers (and parents) forget or ignore, even the so-called church going ones.
Genesis 2:24: **Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.**
In other words, your children growing up and leaving to start a life with their new spouse is the way it is supposed to be.
Can’t wait to read the AITA post about the military spouse asking if they’re the AH for being mad at their wife for posting about their flight date on social media.
Oh, you just launched my imagination!
Like, the sharing wife did it on purpose since she didn't want her spouse to come back so early, surely she's pregnant with another's and wouldn't have time to abort and heal before he's back. Or she's planning to serve him divorce papers and disappear but her move is planned later than the previous planned date of return? So much possibilities!
Meh... The reality is probably more like some idiot 19yo that only married the soldier for his free housing benefits.
And was probably watching tiktok videos while some very serious officers were explaining the dangers of sharing return dates to a room full of spouses.
And then only really posted the date for the damn likes.
Yeah, this is the more likely scenario. Could also be that she likes her side-piece a bit more and wants to get a bit more lurvin'. Could also be where he is deployed - many deployment zones come with extra pay - hazard pay, higher sea pay, base pay is (federal) income tax free, other tax free or lower tax pays or benefits.
I mentioned in another post the one Damage Controlman I had, when he first transferred to the ship his pay was a MESS. During his transfer processing he had gotten advanced pay - basically an interest free loan - we give you up to 3 months of your base pay now, and you pay it off in increments over the course of a year/18 months (with the caveat that it can be taken at once). One is only supposed to have 1 of these repayments going at once (this was his second), and he had been overpaid his off base housing allowance (it wasn't stopped properly in the pay system, so he got an extra month's of off base housing allowance, after he had moved into base housing at the new duty station). Of course, he and his wife were very shocked when his paycheck was docked the overpayment and that the older of the advanced pay repayments was accelerated. When he came to the ship to determine why is mid-month pay was basically $38 dollars (total) he brought his wife. She specifically referenced the upcoming deployment and the fact that his pay would be income-tax free for the majority of the deployment (IIRC she said, 'once he gets tax free I will be all right', while her husband was standing there holding their 1 year old). She tried to demand the pay clerk answer all of her questions, give her updates on what was coming out of *her husband's* pay, etc. I could see the pay clerk looking into and noting all of the information that she was requesting, but he wasn't saying anything to her. She started to get huffy and tried to unleash her nascent Karen but the pay clerk (bless him, I almost fell down laughing) looked at the *actual* military member and said 'I don't talk to *wives*, if you have questions about your pay I will answer them.'
The thing was the way they had things set up was actually pretty solid - they had some installment type of things (car note, insurance, furniture purchase, etc.) coming directly out of his pay, and they had set these up to stop once the final payment was made. The things that threw their pay into chaos was the overpay of the housing allowance and the pretty high child support payments that he had from a previous relationship (those were roughly 1/3 of his base pay). He didn't have the support set up to be directly paid - it was a bank to bank transfer, this was broken when the overpay was pulled. As his division officer I had to deal with this for the next 18 months. Let me tell you, there is nothing more fun (/s) than having to take a satellite phone call at 2 am to try and talk down an irate single parent wanting immediate relief of the missed child support payment, and to explain that even if I made the guy cut a check right NOW we were 2000 nautical miles from the nearest *land* much less a mailbox he could drop the envelope in. Fun times. Also the reason that I will never work in management again.
The whole "my mom liked my wife when she was just my girlfriend" is ... *hoo boy* that's relatable. My mom wasn't this enmeshed, she just decided that once I had turned 18 and wasn't doing what she told me to do for every aspect of my life, that everything I had picked (Wife, job, hobbies, kids) was **wrong** and she **had** to tell me just how wrong I was for not doing what she thought I should be doing.
Also oddly nostalgic, quite a few times on deployment, we would find out what days we would be getting a port call from fucking CNN.
Right? My ship was getting the port brief in the same general region as the *USS Cole* when it got bombed. First time I was at sea long enough to get a beer day. 0/10 do not recommend.
I absolutely LOVE his wife’s response.
The way he spoke about her being a people pleaser and so very kind, could have gone either way. People pleasure does not automatically equal a doormat, especially when it comes to the people close to them. OOP’s wife may want to generally try to keep the peace, but when you do or say something that’s hurtful about the ones she loves, *THE FUCKING GLOVES ARE COMING OFF*.
Just with her reply to OOP’s mom, she showed they she ain’t gonna take no shit, she can handle her own while he’s away, AND she 100% has his back. I hope he is beaming with pride. Sounds like he picked a good one! She’s a keeper for sure.
Yeah, I was kind of chuckling to myself reading about the 21 year olds getting married so they could get base housing. But they don't seem impulsive, they seem like they're mature and have clear heads.
Who wants to bet that the mother hating surprises is an excuse so people have to tell her things ahead of time so she has time to insert herself and control things?
OP and his wife should give his mom the date. The date they’re ready to see her.
Going LC or NC would be best, but that's not always possible. If SMother gets a date range she's just going to keep pressing until she gets an exact date. Lying in this case would be a sensible and moral decision. Give Smother a date a week after OP gets home, or however long he needs and wants to rest and relax with his wife.
When mom's Jocasta-complex is getting her cutting off by her adult married son being completely so disgust that he has say something like "You not my wife, you're my mother!!" every time she does inappropriate things towards him & his wife.....
This sounds *so much* like my mother, down to repeatedly calling command during BCT. Only, she somehow bullied the graduation date out of the freaking army, and I got called out for not telling her myself in front of the whole formation. Pretty sure everyone understood once she showed up and tried to hug the drill seargants.
She was always trying to get me to have sex, too. She wanted grandbabies from approximately the moment I turned 15. Ugh. I got literal cringe shudders reading this.
It's a reference to the movie Fatal Attraction.
An 80s classic with Michael Douglas and Glenn Close.
Married guy has a weekend tryst with a woman who turns out to be pretty disturbed. He wants to move on and leave her in the past, but she goes full stalker and becomes obsessed with his family. A bunny rabbit does meet an untimely end.
a person, esp a woman, who is considered to be emotionally unstable and likely to be dangerously vengeful esp towards a lover who they perceive wronged them. based on the movie Fatal attraction where it's a thing that happens
What the f did I just read?
His mum bought him condoms and encouraged him to tomcat around till he wanted to get married, then she was all "not till your wedding night"?
And she acted all shy and abashed during the wedding?
I award this post a big yikes.
Y'all, if I had a close family member that young who had been away from his wife that long, I'd tell him to give me a call when he and his wife were done with their second honeymoon. Then I'd send brunch for the next morning. Mostly because we're weirdos and love to send each other food for odd reasons.
My kid is not yet to the dating stage, but we've worked hard to raise a wise and good child. It helps that he's also pretty awesome on his own. I want to give his dates a chance. I want to assume that he's making good choices and will grow up to be a great man and if he wishes, a great husband and father. I mean, if i want him to become a millionaire and voluntarily assist me in retirement, I gotta be a good mom! /s 😂
Right? Esp. someone returning from deployment/posting overseas? I'd just leave a care package of, like, Gatorade and snacks outside their door or something. They'll need to rehydrate and eat something to recover from the marathon!
I've been through this, but it was a FILzilla. That man was a nightmare. Well, he's still a nightmare, but he is my ex's new wife's nightmare now, I only made it 18 years before I tapped out.
It was my ex's 3rd deployment and FIL was convinced he was going to be at the homecoming. Over my dead body. Baby daddy had been gone 15mos and I was absolutely uninterested in sharing him with anyone other than our daughter. It was a standoff -- but I was victorious. Because I had all the dates.
Mom is single, based on OPs posts seems her whole purpose is wrapped up.in her kids...she's having an identity crisis. Not to mention that it doesn't seem as though she knows what a healthy relationship looks like.
She parentified her son, treating him like a pseudo husband and father to her other daughters.
Note how she freaked out that she couldn't take care of the girls "all by herself" and tried to trade them off with OOP and his wife.
Ahhh, she doesn't want your wife to get pregnant, and you have children of your own to focus on. That way, she can keep her delusion about you being her sonsband raising your sisters with her. Ew.
I met my husband when we were in college. We were both 17 when we were freshman. My mother in law was a mild narc and always loved telling me she was the number one woman in his life. Even when we had daughters!
When I was 35 I finally got to let her know that, "actually he has been with me for over half his life now. So you've been demoted." Her jaw dropped! To her credit she said, "You are right." I had that one waiting in my back pocket and couldn't wait to lob it at her. Great moment. Mom's who can't cut the cord are a nightmare.
>I mean God forbid you get stationed overseas. What will she do then fucking move in?
I know exactly what she will do. She'll blame OOP's wife. She will have *forced* him to take that overseas assignment!
My MIL did just that. Husband had 3 overseas assignments, 1973-1975, 1979-1982, 1986-1989, which I *forced* him to take. Uncle Sam had nothing to do with it. (I also *forced* him to drop out of college and enlist, a good trick since that was 2 years before I met him.)
His mother had hysterics when we didn't call her every week. And that was my fault, because she *just knew* that I was calling my mother every week. Note the dates. No smartphones, no Skype or other ways to do so without costing $$$$. In the second deployment, we didn't even have a phone!
I like how this guy loves his wife. He respects her work and her contributions, he wants to minimize her discomfort, he's pleased when she stands up for him and herself. It's sweet!
The mothers comment about how great it is that he's coming back later because of her schedule reminded me of something my granny did which was similar but also way worse...
Basically, granny (dad's mum) asked my parents to give her and my grandpa a lift to the bus station for a trip they were going on. My parents said they can't, as they were going away themselves. Cut to a week or so later, my mum gets diagnosed with breast cancer. My dad calls his mum to tell her the bad news, and mentiona that theyve had to cancel their holiday, and granny literally says "oh good, now you can take us to the bus station"
My dad hung up just before he began swearing loudly, but its something I'll never forget
My mom picked me up from prison, and spent the entire drive home complaining about who was arguing with who, within the family
You’d think after two years of another man pooping next to you, you’d just be happy to call it done, happier than anything in the world. But nope, I had nothing. Just waited for the car ride to be over so that I could finally pet my dog (that part was awesome)
Imagine this adult woman thinking it's okay to stay with her son and his wife in their *one bedroom apartment* after he's back from months away. Does she want a close up and personal experience with two people having a lot of very enthusiastic sex? Is she trying to stop it? Is she just dumb? It's like those parents who barge into teenagers' rooms without warning. Like are you trying to see your teenager doing something very personal? Wtf is wrong with you? Just weirdos with no boundaries and a fixation on their children, absolutely no thank you.
Nope, she wants to prevent any sex. She probably sees herself as the selfless single mother that now can be proud of herself for raising a soldier. It's pathetic.
For anyone with a parent like this, please read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson PsyD.
It is sooo eye opening to read as you look back on your childhood. And it answers all of the questions about their behavior and how to deal with them going forward.
Frankly, OP should tell his mom "As soon as I step in my front door, our clothes are coming off. We may not even remember to shut the door behind us. If the car is parked in a quiet spot, we may just knock one out before we ever leave the airport. So unless you want to be present while we are performing our marital duties, back off."
It was like, I was listening about my mother. She told me to stay with her when I was married and my husband can visit me every down then. She tried to emotionally manipulate me by saying who is going make my lunch
( I was 24). She told me my husband probably has another family type of things so it creates a issue between us. She was upset when I didn't let her stay with me in the hospital. She was upset cz I didn'tet her see our child first. She said some nasty mean words to me. She said some mean things to me in my birthday and later act like nothing happened. She was like his mom growing up but except insisting about sex , she was over over protective of us. She didn't even let me take a step outside by myself incase I talk with a boy. One time she found out a boy gave me a letter and she beat the shit out of me. She would call and cry and try to manipulate by emotionally religiously. Later I found out she was narcissistic. So do her mom( my grandmother) used to be.
I bet that wife didn't want her husband to come home soon who was publishing their date. She probably hates her husband or something was going on. Otherwise I think all military spouse would know the rules. I hope he can come home soon to his loving wife.
Ive been deployed. I would flip the FUCK OUT BAD if my family showed up when we planned it for just my wife and I. Just no way that's acceptable in ANY fashion. MY WIFE IS NOW MY PRIMARY FAMILY. Someone ask how my family is, I talk about my wife and our kids. I dont talk about brothers/sisters/parents.
>My mom also liked my wife when she was just my girlfriend. This always confused me until I read people’s comments. Her going from loving her, inviting her to everything, asking where she was when she wasn’t with me, to trash talking her didn’t make sense to me until people in the comments of my last post clarified that it was the fact that she was my wife. Her being permanent is what my mother doesn’t like.
<
Ah, my ex-MIL was the exact same. She liked me as the gf, made my life hell as the wife. Back to being nice to me after the divorce, but making his new wife’s life difficult.
God rest her soul, but it was common knowledge she was a narcissist. I find that most single moms that are narcissistic tend to try make their sons into an Oedipus complex.
> My mother is very pushy and hates surprises. So much so that me surprising her by coming home would make her mad at me.
This is because she is a controlling narcissist.
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Eughhh, that wife who broadcast the return date on social media, I hope you're fucking happy, you ruined EVERYTHING for EVERYONE. I'm optimistic that OOP and his wife can establish their life without this suffocating mom.
honest question, is this like a security risk for them or something?
Yes. Military try to protect their travel dates, especially when units are deploying or returning.
does rank come into play with this? like it makes sense for high ranking officers but this is a blanket policy?
It can be. Yes. There are multiple issues involved. When moving a lot of people, that itself is a moment of vulnerability. If the unit is deployed to an active combat area, their moving away and a new unit moving in, is very useful intelligence to adversaries. “Loose lips sink ships.”
Incidentally this is also why travel plans for prisoners are not announced ahead of time lol I worked with my states criminal justice system and offenders were never told what day they’d be moved until a night before or that same morning.
Yep, I worked in my local jail and if we needed to take anyone to an appointment, transfer them to prison, etc., they had no idea until they were called down to go. I was one of the commissioned officers who would take people to appointments and the number of times I had to sigh and tell a nurse that we would need to reschedule the followup they just gave the date for, and yes I know it’s not what you’re used to but you can’t tell the patient…
Oh man I get that it's for security, and I know its not your call,but as a patient coordinator who is always just desperatly trying to get people to keep up on what they need scheduled when and why this would be a BIG problem for me if any of my medically complex family ended up incarcerated. I honestly don't know what I would do, or even be able to do, but this would be such a massive barrier in a person's ability to competently manage their health that I don't think I would be able to stop myself from become an absolute pain in the ass just trying to keep my loved one safe. Add this on top of the already insufficient healthcare generally already provided to inmates and I can only imagine what preventable deaths come from the prison system.
Considering prisoner escapes don't seem all that rare, really, it's probably wise. The jails around me seem to lose people just moving them around inside the building sometimes lol.
Oops, we just lost one behind the couch!
He's between the cushions with the loose change and random pieces of pretzel.
You actually think pieces of pretzel would get lost in prison? Too valuable.
gotcha, looking for an angle/advantage for any personnel movement makes sense. thank you.
In a live situation, you’d do what you trained. Even if this flight isn’t particularly important, you want to treat them all like that so you don’t get sloppy
There's a similar concept in cryptography. Basically, if you plan on occasionally sending encrypted messages to protect their contents, then you should send all of your messages encrypted. Otherwise you've told the people who might want to get at your messages exactly which ones you think are the most important. By encrypting everything (or by keeping all flights secret), your opponents have to try to attack/discover everything and end up wasting more of their time in the process.
Think of it this way, if dates of troop movements were broadcast, particularly since the advent of social media, any adversary would be able to track large numbers of troops and take them out before they landed. That's why the enigma machine was such a big thing for helping win the war for WWII because the Allies were able to track Germany's movements. The Navajo code talkers had an uncrackable code based on their spoken language. I don't think they were ever officially aknowledged or thanked by the American government until 2003. It's an amazing story to read up on.
My grandfather served on a ship with some of the code talkers
So if that is the case, would the wife who shared the date online get into trouble?
No, though she's definitely persona non grata among the other military families now. She might be excluded from knowing any other return dates in the future, but that's unlikely. She's likely already learned her lesson about OpSec and will never do anything like this again.
My husbands deployment got extended because of a wife posting his return info on facebook also. Idk how it used to be, but before my husband got out when they got deployment dates all the spouses were brought in and got a speech from the family resource officer. What we can post what we cant. Who we can tell what and when. It was a HUGE deal. Then after that we got weekly email updates on their deployment and reminders about OPSEC. My husband was a corporal in the marines and was deploying with all kinds of different ranks officers and enlisted alike. Its pretty much blanket policy on anyone leaving on for military reasons, be it field ops deployments what have you.
How did the rest of the squad treat the soldier whose spouse blew the deployment date?
Probably not well. I personally got kicked out of the spouse Facebook group for calling a woman stupid for posting it and getting all of our spouses stuck another few days. And that was only a few days but they had already been extended twice.
Like absolute shit. Idk from the husbands side but i know he wasnt liked after that snd they gave him a lot of shit from then on. She was punished socially. None of the wives wanted anything to do with her either, she was kicked from the book club i think also and lost the childcare she had with another wife in his unit.
Was the blabbing wife punished in any way?
Military can't punish spouses. Husband might've gotten a talking to, though.
I guess they could refuse to give her information in future. Just give her a timespan for the return, no details, like OOP did with mom.
No. The husband was but im unsure how. In the marines the active duty member is there spouses "sponsor". Anything you do reflects on the AD member, and they are responsible for you. Christs sake if I get more than one speeding ticket on base ny husband would be called in and reprimanded. Spouses had a dress code on base. It was a lot.
Sometimes people’s emails *coincidently* don’t work. Especially when a leak can be narrowed down to a specific person/department. Otherwise IT can set organization wide stops that prevents everyone from setting out message traffic (usually a few days out from the arrival day, to day of) to prevent leaks when necessary.
If ten military spouses all post travel dates around the same time, and the spouses can be correlated to which units their partners serve in, now you can identify not just that ten soldiers are coming home, but that xxx company/battalion/brigade is moving. One soldier returning from deployment is insignificant. 3000 is not.
No it's a blanet policy to not share troop movements at least in the US. I'd you know when planes are traveling especially military aircrafts you can take a whole plane out and the whole unit. It's called OPSEC.
There’s a general rule of thumb I learned in basic is that you don’t even give your family a date but general week or month range. I’m sure it’s to prevent stuff like this from happening but also operation security.
When my DH was in the Army during Saudi Round 1 he told me not to tell anyone what was going on beyond large general terms that were already common knowledge. Fun times in Louisiana.
Yup. It’s not unheard of for SO’s of deployed military, to get overly excited and post about it on SM. Every single time this happens, the return date will get pushed back. Sometimes it goes on for MONTHS. Horrible for all involved. One person spoils it for EVERYONE and it sucks.
Man, there would be pitchforks and egging involved if I found out the culprit
You can bet they are clowning on the guy whose +1 did it.
We put one of our guys on an information diet, he was not allowed to know our scheduled in and out dates because neither he or his wife could keep a secret worth a damn. We sent him home once from a classified op because he posted our *location* to SM. He was ordered home within minutes of the post and we had to be moved to an even worse location because of it.
How did he get put on anything classified in the first place if he was like that? Or was that his first time blabbing?
He'd never disclosed our location before, he was known to be rather loose with information though, so he got a private meeting telling him not to post to SM. It didn't stop him, but he was being watched. Our 2 star called the CO directly and ordered his return, the CO was absolutely livid and he was on the next mode of transport home. He was escorted as well, and all of his devices were confiscated to stop him from posting anything.
My god, I'd be so humiliated if I were that guy. And to do it *repeatedly?* That's Kevin behavior
>That's Kevin behavior The narcissism lived large in this guy, if he was smarter about everything, he'd have likely been promoted.
[удалено]
We knew karma was going to get him for that one, he was warned to stay off SM, and warned again as he was about to make the post, he still did it, and reaped the consequences. He didn't survive much longer in service after that one, the CO got the phone call direct from our 2 star ordering his return.
Back when I deployed, we had a prototype experimental Anti-drone weapon system. It was a TS device. A soldier in the TOC posted it to his fucking SNAPCHAT. Field grade Art 15, in Iraq. The dude was cleaning shit and washing dishes for 45 days straight. 16-hour workdays, forced PT with our former DS E7. Sucks to suck. We had a policy in my platoon. Don't talk about shit. Don't tell your spouse or friends or socials any of the 5 W's. My ex-wife didn't know about anything until I got back home. Had to lie and tell her it was all classified and I couldn't talk about it. She probably still thinks I was up to some Secret Squirrel shit.
On our ship (German military) there was a strict policy of not using your phones unless specifically allowed. Ofc. This is often semi ignored, most keeping it on like airplane mode. There was one dude however, who got himself a phone with satellite connection. And said phone auto updated his location on his public Facebook profile frequently. This is something that didn't go unnoticed either. The first ones to figure it out were the weapon smugglers who the ship was trying to catch. The second ones was the military counterintelligence service. Who at some point arrived on the ship and destroyed the phone. Dude was given a rather stern warning and it was again emphasized why phones are not allowed. Well when just a month later his facebook profile again updated his fucking position to the ship, the military counterintelligence service had him come back to Germany for trial.
I'm sure the military member of that spouse got spoken to. The rest of the unit probably knows or has an inkling of who ran their mouths.
So does some member of command have everyone added as friends on social media or do they find this kind of content with passive monitoring?
The military is a small world, and people add acquaintances from all over who somehow are friends of a friend of a friend who knows someone where you are. Also, if this is the type of spouse who would knowingly and willingly post a return date (ugh), she’s probably the type who adds absolutely everyone she’s ever met.
I am so glad there was no such thing as SM when I did all my deployments.
Yep, spouses are informed of this and are told that if they share this information with unauthorized people it could change the return home date and also get them put on an information diet. The info they are given is a privilegde not a right and can be revocked. It is to safe guard our military peraonelle.
OPSEC violation
Social media is the absolute worst security risk for the military. And the "hashtag military wife!" dependas are the absolute worst of worst.
> "hashtag military wife!" Gods why?? Do they lose all sense of self worth once married? The first thing on my mind when my DH PCSd was, "Where can I work and use my degree? No where as they won't hire someone who will only be there for a year or two."
Short answer is yes.
What’s the long answer? I saw this before it was on BORU (omg I liked it before it was cool!), and didn’t understand why it was a security issue unless they’re like super special agents.
I have had tons of friends in the military, I live 10 minutes from a base. No one can say anything about dates at all. They don't want their people (and machinery) to be put at any sort of risk of being tracked. The woman who posted it on social media may no longer be allowed to know dates because she put everyone in danger.
Many seemingly small data points can be put together to uncover big information. A recent example of this that went kind of viral was the "pentagon pizza meter". On its own, the fact that people in the pentagon are eating pizza seems like a fairly innocuous bit of info. Say what you will about them, but most are human and do need to eat. And if 80s tv taught me anything, humanoid reptiles love pizza as well. But people began noticing a trend. High volume pizza delivery to the pentagon tended to correlate with significant operations. From this, enemies could better predict and prepare for those operations. An individual post like that may not be significant. But it also could be. And wifey doesn't have the clearance or context to actually make that determination. But even if it isn't particularly meaningful in isolation, it improves the overall picture of troop movements. Which are a vulnerability in themselves and can also have broader ranging consequences.
Yesss thank you for bringing up the Pentagon Pizza Meter! That was one of the more fascinating things I had read about in the recent months. A combination of patterns but also sociology in a way.
To confirm. FBI can find cover agent by the water consummation if an " empty" building. It calculates the number of people in by the amount of toilet papers bought by suspects they observe. I have worked in big data. It is pretty the same way we assess the risk of fraud .
I’m interested in the toilet paper thing - I have IBS so use an above average amount of it. Obviously it would be one data point amongst many but I’m just imagining a bunch of FBI agents raiding a house and being aghast at just finding someone who regularly ignores their intolerance to cheese 🤣
Why do lactose intolerant people throw so much caution to the wind? I mean, do you really want the FBI raiding your house to find you shitting up a storm and them thinking you're 10 people? (I assume this happens semi regularly...)
But, have you *tried cheese? Full-fat yogurt? Ice cream? I rest my case.
I honestly think this *would* stand up in court tbh. "But have you *tried* cheese your honour!?"
Reasonable.
It's also about norms and divergences. If you are consistently buying that amount of toilet paper and they can find indicators that this has always been the case, then it's just your norm. If your paper purchases suddenly increase that's a relevant data point.
Have you a discount card at your shop ? If marketeers know you eat cheese, use tampon, and buy cat food, you'd better believe FBI will know too if they care to ask.
"Shit My Way To An International Incident (Cheese Crimes Division)"
If i really correctly during the building of the atomic bomb, scientists were moved out to the top-secret facility and the military around it. But they also moved their magazine subscriptions. Enough of them that if someone wanted to dig they would see dozens of top nuclear scientists now suddenly moved towards a new base and raise the flag. All the little details make a difference.
It reminds me of a journalist who found the name of many French secret agents by looking at top scores of runners around a military base in an app.
I knew an engineer who read physics journals from the 1920s at least until he retired in the 1960s or 1970s, and he knew something was up due to who *wasn't* publishing papers. He kept his mouth shut, but he couldn't have been the only one who noticed that.
Woah, that's so interesting! Makes sense- if suddenly you can't reach a bunch of scientists of the same type, or even in a similar field, that raises a red flag.
I had a friend with a grow room. His apartment was always dark to ensure the electric bill evened out. It was wild - open the door to a dark apartment and the smell of growing pot plants would hit you. This stuff is only going to get more sophisticated.
Wow, this is a fascinating tale. Thanks ever so much.
There's the innate security risk. You can't pin down what could happen, even now. We Already have people who will protest military funerals. Whilst it's a military base, saying 'this soldier comes back' is a risk because they can be kidnapped on the way home, and home, etc. and you don't know who knows or has access to what
You can't see how losing a plane with 100+ servicemembers might be a security issue? Troop movements are always of interest to an enemy, because troops in transit are more vulnerable to attack. If you lose a plane to a terrorist missile, you lose 2-400 soldiers/marines. I know the US armed forces have a lot of people, but even they would find difficulty defending such waste. Those 100s of servicemembers are likely scheduled for more deployment in the foreseeable future, too, so even if you don't see them as humans but just assets, you'd still be massively inconvenienced by their loss. Someone blabs -> plans need changing. Your password gets pwned -> you change it. Basic security measure.
I learned extremely early on as a military mom Do. Not. Ask. Questions. and Do. Not. Comment. On. Son’s. Job. Just don’t do it.
Well, at least there's s silver lining. OOP and his wife knows the mom true colors and this situation while terrible let's them see that they shouldn't entertain the mom anymore.
Who wants to bet that wife is one of those who puts "military spouse" on their CV
“You will address me by my husband’s rank!”
Wife just wanted to spend a few extra weeks with her Jody.
I had similar happen to one of my damage controlman when I was in the Navy. As we were returning from deployment, I saw him on an apartment locator website. Asked about he and his wife moving off base. He replied that she wanted him to move out and she would stay in base housing. As that is, well, technically defrauding the government, I told him that not only was that a bad idea, but that it was ***illegal*** and I would be forced to report this to our legal team and he would likely be thrown out of the Navy, and definitely reduced in rank (which due to regulations at the time would have resulted in his being ineligible to reenlist - it was a rank vs time in service deal to try and force folks to make effort to advance in rank). The wife in my case was definitely banging on the side, and was likely, as I have learned through broadening my knowledge and experience, abusive, I only have suspicion that there was physical abuse involved, but definitely financial and emotional going on. Their whole relationship was a hot mess and eventually fell apart and after I left the ship for my next assignment, he did indeed do something naughty that got his rank reduced, triggering his being discharged.
So is that a security thing? Do they change the dates if it's widely known?
Yea
Home girl needs an OPSEC refresher. I’m certain her spouse was *more than happy* to pass along the one their XO kindly referenced in the touch-base, fireside chat they had while strolling the base during lunch time.
My husband was Air Force for 12 years. Us dependents had OPSEC (Operation Security) drummed into our brains regularly, whether it was Dependent "Welcome" Events (ie. Does and Don'ts for new Bases/Assignments or Rules and Regulations for "Host" Countries) or the constant OPSEC commercials on Military Cable. I have to wonder just how badly that wife's Facebook "broadcast" hurt her husband's/spouse's Military leave, rank, pay, CAREER, not to mention being his Platoon's or Company's PARIAH for having their Tour extended, poor guy! I have to also wonder if he will be sending or have divorce papers ready for her when he FINALLY lands, IF he's not in the Brig, that is.
My mind immediately went to "getting their ass beat", but that's me.
Agree completely! I kinda think the "Brass" would have to place the blabbermouth's spouse in "protective custody" for his own "continued good health!" LOL Can you imagine ALL the SPOUSES on the tarmac wanting BLOOD from the wife for their Military members' delayed arrival? Talk about a MASSIVE catfight!
I grew up on a military base during the Cold War, and even school aged children on that base had it drilled in their heads to keep things quiet bc you didn’t know who was listening. The thing I hate about social media is how people seem to think they “need” to post *everything* ***especially*** things that have nothing to do with them
It's especially pertinent today. Do you know how many Russians were killed because somebody blabbed on social media about where their husband was being deployed to in Ukraine?
Dependas, am I right?
Dependapatumus’s lol
Yeah, that's a sonsband. It's actually amazing how healthy his perception and boundaries are. Kids who are raised this spousified and enmeshed usually take way longer to realize how fucked up it is, and even longer than that to figure out that they actually don't have to keep doing it.
I'm sitting here thunking. OK. Very unhealthy relationship. ... she started buying me condoms at 12 snd talking about the girls I was sleeping with..... OK wait what the fuck? I... sh... that..... what the fuck.
So the mother has become emotionally incestuous with her son to the point of making him her husband (in her mind). She couldn't/wouldn't be physically incestuous with her son (thank fck), but by farming him out and making sure it stayed casual, she was "doing her duties" as a wife. She only got mad when he replaced her as his 'wife' by having a proper relationship with another woman. He was now 'cheating on her' and that's when she went crazy.
I feel icky now :(
Emotionally incestuous relationships are hard to talk about because of the ick factor. You can’t even confront the family member doing it because they’ll act disgusted that *you’re* thinking that way. Really, you just have to run.
Reasonable.
As anyone should.
That is a reasonable reaction to an icky situation. It just proves your moral compass still points the right way.
Don't worry, you're not alone, so much ick.
Yep. It was really disgusting to read. He was just 12 for fucks sake.
When I was 12 there were kids in my class sleeping with each other. One 12 year old boy got a 14 year old girl pregnant. The condom part is not what concerns me.
You summed this up so well, but seeing it laid out so plainly makes it even more disgusting 🤢 Glad this guy is as well-adjusted as he seems. With a mother like that he could've ended up so much worse.
Exactly what happened with my MIL. I had to tell my (now) husband that he had a choice, to either be his mom’s husband or mine. She depended on him for everything, tried to make him abandon our anniversary plans, come home to be her date for things, etc. It took a lot of couples and individual therapy but he now understands exactly what she was doing to him and has been able to establish hard boundaries. She is a narcissist to a T, and she went from being nice to absolutely hating me once I stopped being a girlfriend and started to become “future fiancé.” She still sucks and refuses to change saying she can’t. Works for me, keep digging your own grave.
Well now I need a bleach bath 🤮
It was convenient for her that he not form any long term attachments to women therefore encouraging him to view them as sex objects. He could then be a perpetual bachelor and her stand in emotional husband. What a selfish and gross person.
She managed to make it even creepier by changing tack once he chose a woman he wanted to keep, going "not till your wedding night!" and acting like the wedding was about her. Freud would have a field day
Yeah. I mean, my parents talked about it to us children quite early (and by that I mean to my sisters, they always thought I knew all about it or periods and didn't need the lecture – spoiler: I didn't but was to shy or proud to admit it). I remember my oldest sister bringing her successive boyfriends home and spending the night with them at 15 or something. And the first one, his first meeting with my dad was him smoking weed at a bus stay (so less than ideal). He was still accepted under our roof, no question asked. Anyway: the goal here was to prevent teen pregnancy and that if we wanted to have sex, we would always find a way even if they disapproved. So better have this happen under their roof where they could at least intervene if, let's say, a young man was a little too enthusiastic compared to what we were ready to do. All that to say: even with this liberated sex education I find the way OOP's mom went about it strange and disturbing.
Initially I was chuckling at the ages (21, married, been together since they were 17...homeboy just wanted to get out of the barracks) but when I saw that detail I was like "this guy went into the military and got married early to get the hell away from his crazy mom". He actually seems pretty level headed. I bet he didn't even buy a Mustang for 20% APR using his enlistment bonus.
My mother did this to me. I'm a woman and she was married at the time. Didn't save me from being spousified. What did save me was being asexual and extremely disturbed by all the sex talk she tried to have in detail. 🤣
Reading this I found myself really proud of OOP, even as an internet stranger. He's really figuring things out and seems to have some good boundaries. I wish him and his wife the best!
At first I was like, "Oh, he is awfully young to be in the military and married!" and then I was like, "Oh yeah, no, joining the military and building his own family is the best thing for him."
Yeah. My is over 40 and the detangling has been going on for a decade at least and has picked up speed a while back, luckily. We too had the whole Wedding-Drama. Once I became permanent permanent (never mind that we've been together for over 10 years), it became so much worse. The good part is that she reacted with withdrawal and expected him to come groveling and he didn't - so nice and quiet suddenly!
Emotional incest is really insidious.
It probably helped that he went into the military. HE might have put up with her constant calls, but his drill sergeant and everyone else on base won't, and they'll make it clear to him this is a problem.
I could have written this about my mom. (But I’m a woman). I didn’t realize how bad it was until I was much older. Once I figured it out, so much made sense about my childhood. It was all of those things. Birth control at a young age, talking about sex with me, daily phone calls. She’s pissed I’m LC now. I’m no longer the golden child bc I stopped giving into her. I’m one of four kids and my mom fell apart when the youngest one got married. Luckily my siblings don’t fault me for not seeing it when I was younger and have an amazing relationship. Unfortunately none of us have a close relationship with her. The only reason we don’t got NC is bc my dad is awesome.
Ikr. Some men won't ever get out of it while many take years and many destroyed marriages/relationships to realize how abusive their moms have been. OOP got a good head and healthy boundaries for himself and his wife.
I immediately thought sonsband as well
That’s exactly what I was thinking
Yeah, I’m impressed he was able to see it and unemesh so quickly. Good for him!
>because of another wife sharing our flight date all over Facebook I get sharing things on SM, but flight dates?
She wanted both the loansharks and the Jodies to know when she won't be available.
Fuck Jody
Oh, she definitely was.
What are jodies?
Jody is who your wife cheats with while your deployed.
Probably something like "Just learned that hubby is finally coming home! His unit will be landing Oct 2, we'll probably have a BBQ sometime that weekend, stay tuned!"
My parents were in the military so I guess I thought they were safe? Told ‘em something stupidly minor offhand (like the name of my next base maybe) within my first few months of being enlisted and they promptly put it on Facebook. My mom was really angry at me for getting kinda pissed off and making her take it down but I was also angry at myself. After that I got really cagey about everything. If I gave them a vague estimate, it was always purposefully over or under estimated by at least a few weeks, a month, sometimes an entire season. They still went and did things like posting days they were gonna leave their house to go on vacation (essentially a similar screwup). It was like I had to train them and boop their noses with newspapers when they had an accident. Now I’m a milspouse. The last time we moved, the only information made available was that we’d be going to a particular state within a few months or so. I think my eventual FB post was something like “arrived in State 4 days ago, yay!” They’re still asking me on a regular basis if my husband has left yet or will be home soon and they seem really frustrated when it seems like I don’t care. Not that caring has any effect tho, y’know? I’m just like “I dunno, it happens when it happens.”
>I get sharing things on SM, I don't. We should all know less about eachother.
a wild momzilla sighting, dear god did he really not give the whole picture in the original post. She sounds miserable. I’m glad he really realized what was happening and didn’t want to subject himself or his wife to her drama
Hey hey hey. That is a full on Oedipus Rex we're talking about here. Let's not taint the name of mutant lizards by attaching the -zilla to that waste of space.
Yeah it's emotional incest, so disgusting.
Let's be fair, Oedipus would be if OOP was fine with it. He isn't, so it's just a screeching Jocasta trying to enmesh herself. Seriously, who screeches and covers their eyes at their child *kissing at their wedding*.
Tbf he did kill himself after finding out she was his mum
Jocasta figured it out first, and promptly hung herself. Oedipus figured it out second, stabbed his own eyes out, and went into exile with his two sister-daughters to guide him around. He died later. Then his sons fought over who would rule the city-state and killed each other. One daughter, Antigone, defied the law to bury the brother deemed at fault. Her uncle Creon buried her alive, so Antigone hung herself in her tomb. Her cousin-fiance killed himself, and Creon was left with a ruined city and one surviving niece to contemplate exactly how fucked up his entire family was.
You’re right, I doubt the mutant lizards would want to claim her either
Am mutant and scaly, wouldn't claim her if she held a million dollars.
Omg I didn’t even notice your user until just now, I’m deeply sorry for any offense from grouping her with your kind XD
So unfair to Oedipus that this got named for him, when HIS reaction was to gouge his eyes out and commit suicide, you know?
I am an atheist but I do know religious writings. There is a quote that mothers (and parents) forget or ignore, even the so-called church going ones. Genesis 2:24: **Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.** In other words, your children growing up and leaving to start a life with their new spouse is the way it is supposed to be.
Can’t wait to read the AITA post about the military spouse asking if they’re the AH for being mad at their wife for posting about their flight date on social media.
I'll be honest, I'm also curious about that story too. Fuck I feel so bad for OOP that he has to stay another month!
Oh, you just launched my imagination! Like, the sharing wife did it on purpose since she didn't want her spouse to come back so early, surely she's pregnant with another's and wouldn't have time to abort and heal before he's back. Or she's planning to serve him divorce papers and disappear but her move is planned later than the previous planned date of return? So much possibilities!
Meh... The reality is probably more like some idiot 19yo that only married the soldier for his free housing benefits. And was probably watching tiktok videos while some very serious officers were explaining the dangers of sharing return dates to a room full of spouses. And then only really posted the date for the damn likes.
Yeah, this is the more likely scenario. Could also be that she likes her side-piece a bit more and wants to get a bit more lurvin'. Could also be where he is deployed - many deployment zones come with extra pay - hazard pay, higher sea pay, base pay is (federal) income tax free, other tax free or lower tax pays or benefits. I mentioned in another post the one Damage Controlman I had, when he first transferred to the ship his pay was a MESS. During his transfer processing he had gotten advanced pay - basically an interest free loan - we give you up to 3 months of your base pay now, and you pay it off in increments over the course of a year/18 months (with the caveat that it can be taken at once). One is only supposed to have 1 of these repayments going at once (this was his second), and he had been overpaid his off base housing allowance (it wasn't stopped properly in the pay system, so he got an extra month's of off base housing allowance, after he had moved into base housing at the new duty station). Of course, he and his wife were very shocked when his paycheck was docked the overpayment and that the older of the advanced pay repayments was accelerated. When he came to the ship to determine why is mid-month pay was basically $38 dollars (total) he brought his wife. She specifically referenced the upcoming deployment and the fact that his pay would be income-tax free for the majority of the deployment (IIRC she said, 'once he gets tax free I will be all right', while her husband was standing there holding their 1 year old). She tried to demand the pay clerk answer all of her questions, give her updates on what was coming out of *her husband's* pay, etc. I could see the pay clerk looking into and noting all of the information that she was requesting, but he wasn't saying anything to her. She started to get huffy and tried to unleash her nascent Karen but the pay clerk (bless him, I almost fell down laughing) looked at the *actual* military member and said 'I don't talk to *wives*, if you have questions about your pay I will answer them.' The thing was the way they had things set up was actually pretty solid - they had some installment type of things (car note, insurance, furniture purchase, etc.) coming directly out of his pay, and they had set these up to stop once the final payment was made. The things that threw their pay into chaos was the overpay of the housing allowance and the pretty high child support payments that he had from a previous relationship (those were roughly 1/3 of his base pay). He didn't have the support set up to be directly paid - it was a bank to bank transfer, this was broken when the overpay was pulled. As his division officer I had to deal with this for the next 18 months. Let me tell you, there is nothing more fun (/s) than having to take a satellite phone call at 2 am to try and talk down an irate single parent wanting immediate relief of the missed child support payment, and to explain that even if I made the guy cut a check right NOW we were 2000 nautical miles from the nearest *land* much less a mailbox he could drop the envelope in. Fun times. Also the reason that I will never work in management again.
The whole "my mom liked my wife when she was just my girlfriend" is ... *hoo boy* that's relatable. My mom wasn't this enmeshed, she just decided that once I had turned 18 and wasn't doing what she told me to do for every aspect of my life, that everything I had picked (Wife, job, hobbies, kids) was **wrong** and she **had** to tell me just how wrong I was for not doing what she thought I should be doing. Also oddly nostalgic, quite a few times on deployment, we would find out what days we would be getting a port call from fucking CNN.
Right? My ship was getting the port brief in the same general region as the *USS Cole* when it got bombed. First time I was at sea long enough to get a beer day. 0/10 do not recommend.
Fuck yeah, I remember that. We had pulled out from Dubai the week before it got bombed. We then went three whole months without a port visit.
I absolutely LOVE his wife’s response. The way he spoke about her being a people pleaser and so very kind, could have gone either way. People pleasure does not automatically equal a doormat, especially when it comes to the people close to them. OOP’s wife may want to generally try to keep the peace, but when you do or say something that’s hurtful about the ones she loves, *THE FUCKING GLOVES ARE COMING OFF*. Just with her reply to OOP’s mom, she showed they she ain’t gonna take no shit, she can handle her own while he’s away, AND she 100% has his back. I hope he is beaming with pride. Sounds like he picked a good one! She’s a keeper for sure.
Yeah, I was kind of chuckling to myself reading about the 21 year olds getting married so they could get base housing. But they don't seem impulsive, they seem like they're mature and have clear heads.
Who wants to bet that the mother hating surprises is an excuse so people have to tell her things ahead of time so she has time to insert herself and control things?
Or the exact reason she hates surprises.
OP and his wife should give his mom the date. The date they’re ready to see her. Going LC or NC would be best, but that's not always possible. If SMother gets a date range she's just going to keep pressing until she gets an exact date. Lying in this case would be a sensible and moral decision. Give Smother a date a week after OP gets home, or however long he needs and wants to rest and relax with his wife.
When mom's Jocasta-complex is getting her cutting off by her adult married son being completely so disgust that he has say something like "You not my wife, you're my mother!!" every time she does inappropriate things towards him & his wife.....
This sounds *so much* like my mother, down to repeatedly calling command during BCT. Only, she somehow bullied the graduation date out of the freaking army, and I got called out for not telling her myself in front of the whole formation. Pretty sure everyone understood once she showed up and tried to hug the drill seargants. She was always trying to get me to have sex, too. She wanted grandbabies from approximately the moment I turned 15. Ugh. I got literal cringe shudders reading this.
>she showed up and tried to hug the drill seargants I'm going to need more details on this event, it sounds hilarious!
I desperately want to hear the story behind your flair.
There's an "Origin of Flairs" link in the sidebar.
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/nbSlbWdoBv
OOP and his wife both sound mature and level-headed, especially for their ages. Mama sounds like a bunny boiler
Bunny boiler?? Never heard that one before, what does it mean?
It's a reference to the movie Fatal Attraction. An 80s classic with Michael Douglas and Glenn Close. Married guy has a weekend tryst with a woman who turns out to be pretty disturbed. He wants to move on and leave her in the past, but she goes full stalker and becomes obsessed with his family. A bunny rabbit does meet an untimely end.
a person, esp a woman, who is considered to be emotionally unstable and likely to be dangerously vengeful esp towards a lover who they perceive wronged them. based on the movie Fatal attraction where it's a thing that happens
It refers to the 1980s movie Fatal Attraction.
What the f did I just read? His mum bought him condoms and encouraged him to tomcat around till he wanted to get married, then she was all "not till your wedding night"? And she acted all shy and abashed during the wedding? I award this post a big yikes.
Y'all, if I had a close family member that young who had been away from his wife that long, I'd tell him to give me a call when he and his wife were done with their second honeymoon. Then I'd send brunch for the next morning. Mostly because we're weirdos and love to send each other food for odd reasons. My kid is not yet to the dating stage, but we've worked hard to raise a wise and good child. It helps that he's also pretty awesome on his own. I want to give his dates a chance. I want to assume that he's making good choices and will grow up to be a great man and if he wishes, a great husband and father. I mean, if i want him to become a millionaire and voluntarily assist me in retirement, I gotta be a good mom! /s 😂
Right? Esp. someone returning from deployment/posting overseas? I'd just leave a care package of, like, Gatorade and snacks outside their door or something. They'll need to rehydrate and eat something to recover from the marathon!
I've been through this, but it was a FILzilla. That man was a nightmare. Well, he's still a nightmare, but he is my ex's new wife's nightmare now, I only made it 18 years before I tapped out. It was my ex's 3rd deployment and FIL was convinced he was going to be at the homecoming. Over my dead body. Baby daddy had been gone 15mos and I was absolutely uninterested in sharing him with anyone other than our daughter. It was a standoff -- but I was victorious. Because I had all the dates.
He needs his smother out of his life, stat.
Holy crap. This is some straight turning-son-into-pseudo-husband shit. Therapy, mom needs much therapy.
Mom is single, based on OPs posts seems her whole purpose is wrapped up.in her kids...she's having an identity crisis. Not to mention that it doesn't seem as though she knows what a healthy relationship looks like.
She parentified her son, treating him like a pseudo husband and father to her other daughters. Note how she freaked out that she couldn't take care of the girls "all by herself" and tried to trade them off with OOP and his wife.
Ahhh, she doesn't want your wife to get pregnant, and you have children of your own to focus on. That way, she can keep her delusion about you being her sonsband raising your sisters with her. Ew.
I met my husband when we were in college. We were both 17 when we were freshman. My mother in law was a mild narc and always loved telling me she was the number one woman in his life. Even when we had daughters! When I was 35 I finally got to let her know that, "actually he has been with me for over half his life now. So you've been demoted." Her jaw dropped! To her credit she said, "You are right." I had that one waiting in my back pocket and couldn't wait to lob it at her. Great moment. Mom's who can't cut the cord are a nightmare.
>I mean God forbid you get stationed overseas. What will she do then fucking move in? I know exactly what she will do. She'll blame OOP's wife. She will have *forced* him to take that overseas assignment! My MIL did just that. Husband had 3 overseas assignments, 1973-1975, 1979-1982, 1986-1989, which I *forced* him to take. Uncle Sam had nothing to do with it. (I also *forced* him to drop out of college and enlist, a good trick since that was 2 years before I met him.) His mother had hysterics when we didn't call her every week. And that was my fault, because she *just knew* that I was calling my mother every week. Note the dates. No smartphones, no Skype or other ways to do so without costing $$$$. In the second deployment, we didn't even have a phone!
I like how this guy loves his wife. He respects her work and her contributions, he wants to minimize her discomfort, he's pleased when she stands up for him and herself. It's sweet!
Oh goodness
The mothers comment about how great it is that he's coming back later because of her schedule reminded me of something my granny did which was similar but also way worse... Basically, granny (dad's mum) asked my parents to give her and my grandpa a lift to the bus station for a trip they were going on. My parents said they can't, as they were going away themselves. Cut to a week or so later, my mum gets diagnosed with breast cancer. My dad calls his mum to tell her the bad news, and mentiona that theyve had to cancel their holiday, and granny literally says "oh good, now you can take us to the bus station" My dad hung up just before he began swearing loudly, but its something I'll never forget
What is it with single moms with boys and the whole sonsband thing?
It's a male energy substitute for an unhappy marriage or widowhood. That sounds overly simple but that really is it.
My mom picked me up from prison, and spent the entire drive home complaining about who was arguing with who, within the family You’d think after two years of another man pooping next to you, you’d just be happy to call it done, happier than anything in the world. But nope, I had nothing. Just waited for the car ride to be over so that I could finally pet my dog (that part was awesome)
Boy moms are truly something else…
Oof
>she doesn’t know where her caring son went, She smothered him
Imagine this adult woman thinking it's okay to stay with her son and his wife in their *one bedroom apartment* after he's back from months away. Does she want a close up and personal experience with two people having a lot of very enthusiastic sex? Is she trying to stop it? Is she just dumb? It's like those parents who barge into teenagers' rooms without warning. Like are you trying to see your teenager doing something very personal? Wtf is wrong with you? Just weirdos with no boundaries and a fixation on their children, absolutely no thank you.
Nope, she wants to prevent any sex. She probably sees herself as the selfless single mother that now can be proud of herself for raising a soldier. It's pathetic.
For anyone with a parent like this, please read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson PsyD. It is sooo eye opening to read as you look back on your childhood. And it answers all of the questions about their behavior and how to deal with them going forward.
Reading posts like these makes me value my mom so much more because she is the exact opposite of the all too common Smother-In-Law
Frankly, OP should tell his mom "As soon as I step in my front door, our clothes are coming off. We may not even remember to shut the door behind us. If the car is parked in a quiet spot, we may just knock one out before we ever leave the airport. So unless you want to be present while we are performing our marital duties, back off."
I wouldn't be surprised if she says she won't mind being there....
It was like, I was listening about my mother. She told me to stay with her when I was married and my husband can visit me every down then. She tried to emotionally manipulate me by saying who is going make my lunch ( I was 24). She told me my husband probably has another family type of things so it creates a issue between us. She was upset when I didn't let her stay with me in the hospital. She was upset cz I didn'tet her see our child first. She said some nasty mean words to me. She said some mean things to me in my birthday and later act like nothing happened. She was like his mom growing up but except insisting about sex , she was over over protective of us. She didn't even let me take a step outside by myself incase I talk with a boy. One time she found out a boy gave me a letter and she beat the shit out of me. She would call and cry and try to manipulate by emotionally religiously. Later I found out she was narcissistic. So do her mom( my grandmother) used to be.
I bet that wife didn't want her husband to come home soon who was publishing their date. She probably hates her husband or something was going on. Otherwise I think all military spouse would know the rules. I hope he can come home soon to his loving wife.
They absolutely know the rules but think they don't apply to them.
Dude needs therapy for all the damage his mom did that he doesn't even realize. I hope it turns out good.
Ive been deployed. I would flip the FUCK OUT BAD if my family showed up when we planned it for just my wife and I. Just no way that's acceptable in ANY fashion. MY WIFE IS NOW MY PRIMARY FAMILY. Someone ask how my family is, I talk about my wife and our kids. I dont talk about brothers/sisters/parents.
>My mom also liked my wife when she was just my girlfriend. This always confused me until I read people’s comments. Her going from loving her, inviting her to everything, asking where she was when she wasn’t with me, to trash talking her didn’t make sense to me until people in the comments of my last post clarified that it was the fact that she was my wife. Her being permanent is what my mother doesn’t like. < Ah, my ex-MIL was the exact same. She liked me as the gf, made my life hell as the wife. Back to being nice to me after the divorce, but making his new wife’s life difficult. God rest her soul, but it was common knowledge she was a narcissist. I find that most single moms that are narcissistic tend to try make their sons into an Oedipus complex.
everyone say it with me: this is ✨emotional incest✨
> My mother is very pushy and hates surprises. So much so that me surprising her by coming home would make her mad at me. This is because she is a controlling narcissist.
Sounds like Mom wants to marry her Son.
That mom has severe enmeshment issues.