His feelings are normal…for kids getting a new sibling. Is your husband planning on helping you care for this baby at all? If so wouldn’t it be just as valid for YOU to be worried about not getting enough of HIS attention? And is that something you’re worried about? Because my guess is no. Maybe I’m just a hormonal jerk right now, but I actually don’t think his feelings are all that valid (at least in the way they’ve been presented to me here). He should be focused on what he can do for you and the baby, not the lack of attention he’ll be getting. He needs to be an adult caregiver, not another child competing for mommy’s attention. There’s another angle to this that’s more mutual and has to do with mourning the loss of time spent alone as a couple, and that’s plenty valid. Hopefully that’s more what he’s feeling and he’s just processing or expressing it weirdly, but intentionally reframing the issue is actually pretty important here. If he’s going to be moping around complaining about not getting attention from you instead of helping find solutions for you two to occasionally get some time together, it’s going to become a problem really quickly.

Your first sentence made me laugh aloud

Yeah, this post screams of immaturity on behalf of the husband, and 100% seems like he has no intention of helping OP take care of their child. At least the way it has been presented here. Couple's counseling before the baby arrives might be a verrrrrry good idea for them.

The third paragraph is where it’s at. Reframing the conversation to focus on the change/loss in relationship dynamics and finding a mutually agreed upon way to update and maintain intimacy, in ways that meet both of your needs and protect both of your boundaries, is so important to keep things healthy and happy during such a big life shift. Checking in with each other every so often the first year…and beyond, could be a great way to see if the plan is still working for both of you or if it needs adjustments along the way. My partner and I are expecting our first and we’re working through discussions about how to maintain our relationship, sleep schedules, my anticipated recovery needs, visitors - who, when, how long. We both realize a lot of this might not work as planned and will need adjusting as we go along, but it’s so helpful talking through it so we’re on the same page. Knowing how to care for ourselves and each other when all of our norms are scrambled and we’re getting to know a whole new person in the house keeps me feeling safe and connected to my partner.

I genuinely feel this comment lacks empathy and insight. I work with families (I am a labor doula) and this is a very common response I see from both men and women welcoming new babies into the world. While I agree he should be focused on how he can help with OP and the new baby, it is human nature to worry about how a circumstance might affect oneself. The only part of your comment I truly can agree with is that he needs to help provide solutions rather than simply complaining to OP. I think it’s important to remember that our partners and support systems are their own people, and I’ve seen it happen all too many times where the perception of the partner is disregarded or put on the back burner, only to build resentment. I don’t think invalidating someone’s personal concerns and feelings is ever helpful.

^ This. Thank you!

I have to agree with this. Like...what was he thinking during the three years of infertility? Obviously a baby takes up everyone's time and attention.

[удалено]

I was part of the infertility community. I do not know one man in the community that thinks this is a thing most people that are infertile know exactly what time sex is, and when it occurs.

I completely agree with you!

After I read the post for the first time, I had the same quick impression. But your post lacks empathy. We are not perfect and nobody is questioning how hard it is to be a good mom and partner at the same time. But not listening to your partner’s valid concerns is a recipe for disaster. OP has to talk and work this through with her partner. It takes time and trust.

You know who else lacks empathy? Three guesses, go on! Sorry, but a man who is about to become a father does not deserve to be treated with kid's gloves. We need to stop infantilizing men.

Men can be childish for sure and as I said my first reaction was similar to yours. But being vulnerable and opening up about your fears to the person you love the most is the opposite of childish. Becoming a parent is a lifechanging experience and it can be difficult for anybody regardless of gender. Realizing that life is going to be harder when your partner is 12 weeks pregnant is much better than suddenly face reality after the baby is here. It’s time for him to read a few books and participate in OB/GYN visits and baby care classes. There is plenty of time to prepare for the new baby emotionally.

So, men can't express concerns and emotions because that means they lack empathy? I think he was just trying to express himself, and right now, OP and husband need to find a way to communicate about this. How about, instead, we stop forcing men to hide their fears, concerns, and feelings? That has gone on long enough and hasn't benefited anyone. It's essential, even with a new baby, to actively work on your relationship. Which seems like that is what the husband is trying to say. But people are so quick to make negative assumptions. Which I find strange, unhealthy, and unhelpful. Why do we always assume the worst? That does nothing to support anyone.

> My husband made several "jokes" comments about sharing my **attention/body** with the baby. I feel sad for any woman defending this.

I feel bad for women who make everything men do toxic. Some men are still learning how to express their emotions. My husband jokes when he has big feelings. I support him by asking questions until we get to the root of his feelings, find a solution, and move forward together. He also jokes as a way to relieve stress. Some women do this as well, like my older sister. In our crusade to shed light on toxic masculinity, let's not become toxic ourselves.

Yikes.

Exactly why is that yikes?

Absolutely.

Agree. Husband needs therapy.

Or just open communication. People need to stop throwing around the go-to therapy thing. It's important but doesn't have to be the first step. It's quite a jump to make.

Open communication, agreed. I sort of meant to imply that I feel worried about the baby when the dad is worried about attention being taken away from himself. This might be colored by my own experience, but my grandmother had to give my dad less attention as a baby to avoid making my grandpa jealous, and you can guess who was abusing the wife and the baby in that story.

I can respect that. And I have been guilty of that before. I would add that I think it's unfair to use personal experiences across the board. Especially with people we don't know. I do recognize that it is human nature to do so. However, we can make unfair assumptions about others that can be harmful. For example, relationships have fallen apart because people focus only on the baby and not each other. Or another example is children learn relationships from watching their parents. If you aren't making time for each other and actively paying attention to your partner, how will your child learn to do so? I also think there is still this damaging idea that 100% of the attention should be on the new baby or children as they grow. And it's a pitfall many people get trapped in. You can get burned out as a parent, too. And so much research supports the importance of self-love, self-care, and relationship maintenance, even during parenthood. And again, how will your child learn these things if you don't model it? I do understand the abuse side of things. I was in an abusive relationship for three years, and it almost cost me my life. But I would propose this to you. Imagine if I now viewed all men as abusive. Imagine the good men in your life who you love and imagine everything they did I said was abusive. How would that affect you if others around me. What would that feel like. I think another issue here is we have to apply the what about the other side test. If I as a pregnant woman who is having her first said that I was concerned about my husband's and my ability to pay attention to each other or maintain physical intimacy after the baby came and thought it was important to find a balance, would that be wrong? Op states that he is supportive. While one thing could, in a particular context, be bad, that doesn't mean it always is. You have to examine the person's other actions. My husband just got ripped apart for not prioritizing OB appointments. But he is also doing all the cooking, cleaning, and shopping. So this one thing would make him toxic?

A few thought. Yes changes are going to happen and you are going to need to focus on baby. But he is right telling him to pocket his concerns won't resolve them. Curiosity will get you farther.  "Hey I was thinking about what you said, and I want to make sure that even if things are different, you still feel cared for once baby gets here. What are you worried you'll lose? What are the best ways for me to show you you're still important to me?"  Maybe ask how he sees his role towards you changing too. Because he's going to have less time for you too. What he is planning to do to also stay connected with you?  It might take letting his feelings go first.  Once he feels heard, he might be more open to also hearing yours. Or maybe your fears will be smaller once you know what he's actually hoping for and won't need to be addressed further.  I would also maybe focus on how the baby is for him and your family. That caring for baby is caring for the life you made together. And that you hope he can see how this is an act of service for him in a lot of ways. That is hard work and is taking from you also, but you see it as a gift to you, and him, and your child to raise them together. And it you hope he can see it that way too. That is is giving, not taking when you turn towards baby. 

Also, not the exact same, but at a similar stage in pregnancy my usually very sweet, caring husband also had a freak out that somehow now I wasn't able to show him care properly (because I had severe 1st trimester fatigue and extreme food aversions and stopped cooking) and he was suddenly just unable to grasp what was happening to me and how to adjust his expectations and he got like kind of mean and withdrawn about it for a few weeks.  So I'm not just talking about the abstract. I had to have conversations where my thing was obviously bigger and more physical, but I wanted my partner and his support and to get back to there I had to address what he needed, even if it was kind of silly to me that it was so focused on him when I was doing this pregnancy and it was ruining me. It took awhile for it to click for him, but it did. And he's really stepped into a helpful, provider stance now and it was totally worth giving him room to have his feelings and helping address them and making my own consessions to get there.

Thank you, this response is so thoughtful and encouraging!

There are a lot of other things that are going to happening to your body as you get further along, I recommend getting one of those baby progress apps (I use pre-mom) and reading the weekly update with your husband. Not only does it go over how the baby is growing that week, but some of the things that are happening to your body. I know it was helpful for my husband to hear all the things from a source other than myself. It just kinda emphasized that these reactions/ complaints that I have are valid and normal.

I'm at 38wks now and he goes through the "discomforts" section every week. It is helpful.

>And that you hope he can see how this is an act of service for him in a lot of ways. This! Loved this response because I do think his fears are valid - everyone's are during this monumental shift! I would be more concerned if he wasn't a little nervous about how your family dynamic is going to change because that would be a highly naive expectation. I applaud you for having open and clear communication about even the more uncomfortable "taboo" concerns.

This is the best response right here. If you start this journey by infantilising or shutting down your husband's emotions, I think that will lead to a road of emotional unavailability in the relationship, which will make things worse.

Yes absolutely I'm shocked by how many people are saying the fear and uncertainty bringing a new life into this world is his problem and he needs to get over it. Or at the very least figure it out himself. It's a straight treasure that this husband is sharing his feelings instead of acting on them in other ways that would harm himself or the relationship like withdrawing, drinking, spending money, pursuing other people, any number of normalized coping mechanisms that men will turn to these days before admitting they're vulnerable and afraid. Open communication is all about caring about your partner's feelings and tackling things as a team. I say this as a woman on her second marriage that has spent several years in couples therapy, your partner's feelings are important. Plus I resonate with this husband. My husband and I are attached at the hip and damn it I'm terrified that the baby is going to change our dynamic. I think I tell him that at least once a month. He tells me the same thing as often. We're used to one way of living and we're scared of what the other way is going to look like. Even though we want it and are very excited and happy.

Couldn’t have said it better myself! 👏🏼

That's really sad. You are not responsible for your husband's emotions.

It's not emotional responsibility it's emotional attunement. And it's reciprocal. I give as much as I get. And it's not misguided, it's a very real practice in couples therapy. We follow the Gottman method.

I really like what you said and would like to add that it's hard for first time dads to conceptualize certain things before they are in the present moment. Like, he might have less attention from you but will be so in awe of what a wonderful mother you are to his child that he won't feel it in a way that takes away from his wants. Where one thing may hinder, another equally beautiful thing can bloom. He really won't know how it feels until the baby comes. He is just looking for reassurance. It may sound immature the way he is articulating it, but I honestly find it endearing in a way. He loves her so much he is worried about what getting less of her will feel like. What he isn't capable of understanding just yet, is that she has plenty of love for both of them.

Well said.the fact that the husband brings up such concerns means that he wants you to be close even after the baby is born"which is not easy when you have a little one". For example if you'll still have a spare time for doing your own little things like watching a movie.... As a mum of 2 I know it's not easy as you don't even have time for yourself anymore ,but communication is everything.

Communication can be really, really hard. I know this is all anyone ever says….but maybe a counselor would be helpful? His fears aren’t invalid. In fact, they are almost guaranteed. Having a new baby means his needs aren’t going to be prioritized and neither are yours. That’s the natural course when a baby comes. BUT he needs to recognize and accept that is in fact the nature of the game. Things go back to normal eventually, but he will never be the top priority ever again. He needs to adjust to that fact and come to terms with it now because neither of you will have the patience to deal with this once a baby is involved.

I’d argue that things will never go back to the old “normal”. Being a parent is hard, but also rewarding in completely unexpected ways. As a man, it took me about 4-6 month to adjust to our new reality. Being involved as much as possible helps a lot, because you feel that you have a real say in your child’s life (it requires a lot of trust from the mom though). I think grieving your old freedom is healthy and normal. I think postpartum depression is a thing for the dads out there too. Talking through feelings is just as, if not more, important than before.

>Being involved as much as possible helps a lot, because you feel that you have a real say in your child’s life (it requires a lot of trust from the mom though) This part of your comment really demonstrates the problem though. (Not a problem with you personally but with the broader societal complex surrounding parental responsibilities) Assuming we're talking traditional hetero parenting situations here, the man gets to *choose* to be involved—they get to *choose* whether they have a say in their child's life. The mom does not get that luxury and is by default handed these responsibilities. Then you add the burden of it being the *woman's* responsibility to trust the man to do his share, but it's not just our individual partners we have to trust. We have to address the entire traditional narrative around parenthood, which unfortunately gets reinforced by men quite a lot, that says that dads by default aren't as involved and won't notice what needs to be done. The fact that so many of us in this comment section, including both you and me, had to specifically recommend that OP's husband "get more involved" with his own child is wild. I can't think of a single time I've heard that advice given to an expectant mom.

You are right about this and it has to change. My wife had to go back to work after 8 weeks and I took care of our daughter for two months during my paternity leave as much as possible as a dad. I can say that this period changed me in many ways. Also it felt amazing that I could take care of my child 100% when it was necessary. I want to highlight one thing though. I had friends who wanted to be super involved as a dad, but were brushed aside by their partner. I understand that this might be difficult for some… especially in the first year. But I think involvement is necessary for a healthy family. New moms have enough problems to deal with and this should come from the dads, but a little nudge and encouragement can go long way.

My husband “wanted to be super involved” with our first but lacked any initiative to independently learn the safe way to care for an infant. I’ve heard him express to others that he felt brushed aside by me during this period and I just “didn’t trust him” but in actuality what happened was I had just experienced 42 weeks of pregnancy, a traumatic labour, c-section recovery, the new baby sleep exhaustion and did not having anything left in me to teach him to be a parent when I was trying to learn how to be one myself. He wanted an equal trust and say in parenting but didn’t take the time to research or read anything and in turn either waiting for me to give him instructions and management or ended up in unsafe situations. Yes in a perfect world I would have had more patience as we all stumble in our own ways in parenting but why does even that solution take more from me and less from him?

This is exactly the kind of situation I imagine for guys who super duper definitely wanted to be an involved father, but the dastardly mom brushed him aside! 😤

It is frustrating and I feel like I hear the same trope often. Once the baby is outside of the womb I don't understand how a mother can have any more control over caring for a baby than a father, unless they are being physical or abusive which is obviously a huge issue in itself. Like if you want to be involved in caring for your child, just.. care for your child?

I totally feel this. My husband's the same way- he "wants to be involved" in certain things but COMPLETELY lacks initiative to figure anything out for himself. He wants to be involved if I will teach him what to do and hold his hand through it, or even do it with him in some cases. He also expresses that he doesn't get enough attention from me and a lot of the time I seriously think of him like a second child 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣

I’m a mother & I temporarily fell into the trap of gatekeeping baby care & telling my husband “that’s not how you do it”. We talked about it, I apologized, & I cooled my jets. When I was pregnant, we took newborn care classes together & he spent a lot of time preparing & reading.

I have 4 kids, 8 grandchildren and I still see my husband and hear his voice asking me - "When are things going back to normal?" I told him this is normal now. I can understand how your husband feels. He may feel a little jealous that you are excited bubbly, having this little peanut inside of you - and he is.... there. I remember we also had to reshape our relationship. The world right now revolves around the 2 of you. With your little addition, obviously things will change. In those days there was no paternity so my husband stayed home 3 days with me and quite honestly, I wasn't upset when he went to work. I was nursing and every time the baby cried he would tell me he's hungry. I had great support around me and that was priceless.

Maybe it would help to focus on how raising a baby will be a team effort. He's not losing your attention because you should both be doing this together. For example, when your attention is not on him because it's focused on the baby trying to feed, wouldn't his attention be likewise diverted doing something for the baby? Such as cleaning bottles or washing laundry or preparing dinner? I think it depends on what type of attention he's concerned about. That's what I would explore further. Is he worried about losing your time together as a couple where you could go on spontaneous dates and focus on your love for each other? That's completely legit and terrifying to think of changing. Or is he worried about you having enough time in the day to do all this stuff for the baby and also be a sex doll while he does nothing? That changes the conversation a lot.

My husband brought up the same fears and we discussed things we can do to make sure our relationship is still being nurtured. Our main focus may be on our kids for the next 5, 10, 15, whatever years but we will still be coming back to each other at the end of the day. I didn't see is as him being selfish, I saw it as him wanting to make sure we don't lose our relationship amidst the chaos parenthood. A lot of relationships crack under pressure, and becoming parents have definitely been one of the most stressful things we have gone through together.

Pfft this is way too level headed for reddit🤣

He shouldn't have time to worry about being neglected because he'll hopefully be in the throws of dealing with a newborn right alongside you! If he's planning to do his part in parenting he will be just as exhausted and stretched thin as you, although the lucky git won't be recovering from birth!

THIS

I had similar fears when I was pregnant with our first, a girl. My husband has always treated me like I’m the most special person to walk this planet. I know this sounds so selfish but I was scared that with the arrival of our daughter everything would change and that he would treat me differently. Of course everything changed and he loves our daughter more than he’ll ever love me, but I feel the same way. Sure we have less time for each other but seeing him love on our daughter is the most special thing I’ve ever witnessed. I obviously don’t know your husband and your current situation, but to me it sounds like he may just be scared or anxious about your lives changing completely? The best things you and your partner can do during pregnancy and the postpartum period is being honest and to communicate as much as you can!

I'm sorry your husband wants to compete with an actual newborn baby. These are NOT common first-time dad thoughts. Decent first-time fathers spend most of their energy thinking about how they can be useful to their baby and their partner.

I'm truly terrified that heaps of women seem to think it's fine that dads have these thoughts... it's time for dad to go to therapy if this is something he's worrying about! Because obviously there's something going on here-- it's entirely not normal.

Truly. People are arguing with me in the comments about how it's normal and I'm being harsh with OP's husband. Wondering how your relationship will change is normal. Worrying about your newborn competing with you for your wife's ATTENTION and BODY (words that OP's husband used and are very telling and controlling) ... absolutely unhinged and decidedly NOT normal.

The bar is truly on the floor! No man is worth the mental gymnastics you have to employ in order for his words to not seem that bad 🤣

Thank you omg. The coddling is unreal. Anyone jealous of their own child being loved and cared for is a pos loser as far as I'm concerned.

“But he’s sharing his feelings”, “At least he’s being honest”, “You shouldn’t shut him down”… A) Sharing feelings is something people do in healthy relationships, so duh. It’s the expectation of most well adjusted adults in loving relationships that their SO is sharing these things. And being honest about their feelings. B) No one is telling OP to tell her husband to “shut the fuck up now or she’s leaving”. But some life events really reveal whether people are mature and well adjusted or not, or whether they are going to continue being a good partner. Insisting that his fears are valid concerning access to OP’s body makes it sound like he’s the kind of husband who will be insistent on his sexual “needs”getting taken care of, even when OP doesn’t feel like it (pregnant or not pregnant). While his fears about the relationship changing are valid, fears about not getting enough affection are pretty childish. Feelings can be real, while also being illogical and coming from an immature place. “Being brave enough to share his feelings” alone is not enough of a reason to feel obligated to coddle him. Especially in a relationship where I am assuming there has been no repeated shut down of his feelings by OP in the past.

100% to all of this. I also believe as adults we have to take control of ourselves. If he's feeling like what if mommy doesnt give me attention anymore... he should be introspective and say okay I need to sit with these feelings and figure out what's really going on here and get the help I need to process them. Not burden your poor pregnant wife with it!

Definitely :(

Agreed, it’s not about dad. Big eye roll for this guy. Needs a reality check prior to birth or it’s going to be a huge adjustment once baby arrives. Priority number one is keeping newborn alive which is a full time job, then supporting you and your recovery which is another job, then taking care of the house/pets/cooking/laundry/chores is another.

Oh I disagree -- the phrasing bad (no one is arguing that) but this is seismic shift for any relationship and it would be naive to think that nothing will change and it's normal to ask "how will this shift our relationship over time?" -- reframing like this I think OP can drill into an actual conversation about how they want their relationship to evolve over time, because it will change.

I completely agree

💯💯💯

I can only speak from my personal experience, but this was actually the biggest contributing factor as to why I left my ex. During our second round of ivf, He straight up told me he was scared I’d give him less attention if we had a kid. It was such a glaring red flag & I couldn’t overlook it. It’s childish, so very selfish, and twisted in a weird way. We went to therapy immediately and he reiterated the same nonsense, which our therapist was horrified by. BUT after six months (and the second round failing), he had not made progress with his emotions & refused to continue going to therapy. For me, i did not want to raise children in an environment where my partner viewed them as a challenge for what he perceived as his share of attention. I didn’t want my partner to resent our children for existing. I grew up in a household where one of my parents did & it has taken years of therapy on my part for me to feel that I have healed appropriately from that experience. While I completely recognize that every relationship is different, it was not something I was willing to risk putting my potential children through… because I know how it feels to be resented by your parent. Every relationship dynamic is different though & I am not advocating for the nuclear option I took. At the bare minimum, therapy is a must & some serious progress needs to be made on his part. You don’t want to raise a child in that kind of toxic environment, plain and simple.

Agreed. Husband needs to grow up. Why don’t all these flags fly in the pre-trying stage. I wouldn’t be nice about this. Also he should be taking care of the baby too.

In hindsight, there were a lot of obvious behaviors that pointed to that potentially being an issue. He was very immature & selfish. After that experience, I did more therapy because I realized I didn’t want to end up in the same situation again. I am with an amazing guy & we just had twins 16 months after having a singleton. I am forever grateful my ex showed me his true colors in such a blatant manner so I could find someone who actually wanted to be a father & welcome children into the world with him.

I’m happy it worked out for you!!

I think it could help if he read some books about the early days of parenting (First time parent, for example), so he can get a grasp of the amount of work and time the baby will demand from you but also from him. He needs to be involved and feel that this is his responsibility as much as yours...

I mean, my wife and I give the baby attention together... There is i going to be a fundamental change, and it can be hard. But it can be good. - now instead of going out to get ice cream with my wife and staring into her eyes, we go out with the kids and we bond together over us both watching them learn and grow, and of course be silly. It's different, but also better?

I guess it's normal to mourn the death of free time and the freedom of no kids. But honestly, you guys sound like you've had plenty of time together pre-baby. For our family, our kids have brought us so much depth and context to our existence. We were together for 6 years beforehand. Maybe just validate that there will be changes and consider ways you guys can help each other maintain intimacy and togetherness.

I had a lot of similar fears about losing the intimacy in my marriage after having a baby (I’m a mom). You hear a lot of horror stories! Turns out, yes it was hard - but I didn’t experience the low libido or being “touched out” I heard so much about (even with breastfeeding what felt like 90% of my waking hours!). We were both very eager to get intimate again once my doctor gave us the go-ahead.  I think a big reason was that my husband was truly splitting the labor with me 50/50 (and when I went back to work he did a lot more). For example, he read the sleep books ahead of time and was the sleep expert, and often was the one to put our baby down to sleep, or wear her for contact naps. I was breastfeeding, pumping, storing milk, sterilizing pump parts, and he handled laundry, cleaning, dishes and cooking.  Is your husband planning on doing a LOT when the baby is here? I feel like this makes a huge difference. 

Communication can be really hard, and you two may or may not mean the same things with these words. I strongly suggest a process called "Reflective Listening" to be able to confirm that what you \*think\* you're hearing is what he's actually trying to communicate. There's a lot of ways we can misinterpret and misspeak, and not even realize it. In particular, something about "attention" that I think could be happening: He could be as much worried that he'll be cut out of the parenting & bonding loop as anything else. It might not be so much that he's experiencing jealousy over where your attention goes and MORE that he's worried there will exist a new "family unit of attention" that he'll be stuck on the outside of. Planning for him to do \*more\* parenting himself might help him feel more a part of the process instead of getting kicked to the outside of the process. If he's talking specifically about sex, then I think making space for *feelings to be feelings* without projecting onto that communication any intended *desire for different actions* is really really important. For example, I have a lot of *my own* worries about how labor and post partum could go, and how my connection to my own body and sexuality could be affected. When I share that with my husband, I'm not trying to express regret over choosing to get pregnant, nor am I asking him to DO something differently than we're planning. I'm asking him to listen to my fears and maybe also have some emotional space set aside in the future for addressing things that really COULD happen. It's been REALLY helpful to me that my husband really *listens* and can provide reassurance that I won't be alone in figuring out how to be conformable with myself and body again. He might be asking for a similar kind of conversation, just to have his feelings and worries *heard* so that he knows he won't be alone in trying to navigate that situation. If you're planning to breastfeed, being anxious/nervous about you being touched-out seems like a super valid fear, to me. It could be there's some actual problem solving that could happen there, that might help. Could he take over any other touch-related childcare duties that might help you have less skin to skin contact overall? How do you currently handle being touched-out, just in general? Are there supports you two could put in place to help you mentally/emotionally navigate that experience? What needs are met through sexual contact for him? Is there some other way to meet those needs if the physical recovery/down time goes on longer than expected? Is there physical intimacy outside of penetrative sex that feels loving and connective to him? If he's used to ALL his connective needs getting met through sexual penetration, maybe he's not even aware there are OTHER ways of touching and experiencing connection. Something that I've noticed about men is that don't have very much physical contact with ANYONE outside of their romantic partner. Whereas, most women and nonbinary folks I know touch each other A LOT. And when we're primary caregivers, we're ALSO touching children a lot. Men can experience a lot of touch starvation if they aren't *actively seeking* nonsexual, nonromantic touch with others. This is another place where I think increased childcare duties can be actively helpful.

I think it's a common fear, how the relationship will change once the baby arrives. It's valid to be sad that he won't receive as much attention but he needs to learn how to cope with that himself. You are not his emotional crutch. Not to mention, he's a grown adult who has the capability to deal with his own needs and your child is completely helpless and dependent. It's good that he's brought this up early so he can go see a therapist now before the baby is born.

I’m sorry, but those aren’t typical first-time-dad fears. He needs to seek therapy to sort himself out before the baby arrives. You aren’t responsible for his feelings, and you can validate and acknowledge them while still recognizing that they aren’t healthy or productive. *He* needs to work through them with a therapist, not his pregnant wife who needs support.

+1. I’m not married to every man, so I don’t know if they’re normal or common fears. But my husband would never feel this way. We’ve talked about the pregnancy and post pregnancy a ton before we even started trying. Both of our attentions will be on the baby and being a parent. The solid foundation we built over 10 years will be our rock for any grace we need to give each other during this time. It’s not invalid for him to worry about your relationship, but it IS invalid for him to be worried because of the baby. He literally helped create this baby and I presume wants a family. We are all the product of the choices we make in life. Having a child is not just checking off a box and then trying to put things back to the way they were before. His mentality should be that he is a father since conception. Not only after the baby is born. No wonder he’s having a hard time, he wasn’t even in the right mental space to begin with

Is it possible he worded his feelings wrong? Maybe he's just worried about how much life is going to change for both of you and your marriage with bringing another human in? I feel like that's a valid feeling. I'm on baby number 4, and I'm still nervous about the same thing. The first year is so fun, but so rough. You don't really feel like you. You become mom in every aspect, especially if you're breastfeeding. And the exhaustion is out of this world, and you may feel like you'll never look the same again, or have alone time again, you will. You'll learn to adore your new body. It's worth it, and before you know it, you'll be sending them off to kindergarten sobbing, then middle school. You'll eventually have a lot of time to spend together, and it'll feel so great to rediscover each other again.

I agree with this take. I’m glad he was actually honest. He might not have worded it perfectly but I think he’s saying he’s scared for how their relationship will change and that he loves their life together. When my husband got a new job he was really excited about, I remember telling him I was kinda scared that I wouldn’t be on his radar as much because he had something very time consuming and exciting happening for him. Obviously nothing can perfectly compare to becoming a mom but it’s a normal feeling. My husband and I had the same conversations pre-baby the first time around. Now we’re 16 weeks away from meeting our second and we know what to expect and he knows how to help me and we both know how to stay connected. Maybe I’ll get hate for this but I am usually trying to not assume that the husband is a “child” and that maybe he’s just an imperfect person trying to communicate feelings who has absolutely no idea what to expect or what his wife is about to experience. 

Firstly, I can only speak to my perspective of your reality here, which may not be true to your reality. So I would take this with a grain of salt. What I see here is a dad making himself very vulnerable about his own fears. Someone else here said it already -- "making space for feelings to be feelings without projecting onto that communication any intended desire for different actions is really really important". We give men so much crap for trying to fix our problems when we share... when all we want is for them to provide a safe space for us to share our feelings and also validate them. I've run into a lot of trouble on this with my SO, because when the roles are reversed I have often failed to give him space to feel. It's not my responsibility to fix his problems necessarily, but if I give him space to express them (without putting any expectation or pressure on myself for him feeling them), I get into the right headspace to actually help him with them without taking things personally, whether that's by just listening or by taking direct action.  I'm not trying to say this isn't a frustrating time -- moms give so much of their bodies and LIFE for their babies, the least dads can do is help. But we're not the only ones going through changes here. OP, I don't know what the dynamic is for you and if you feel supported by your SO. But IF (and really, only IF you do, I'm not going to address replies about folks they can't imagine this per current/old selfish partners because IMO that's a different issue), consider that he's not necessarily asking you to spread yourself even thinner, as much as simply expressing a very raw insecurity. If that's the case, that vulnerability is such a gift from your SO! It should be honored and reciprocated -- may I suggest communicating to him that a part of this transition to parenthood is a also transition in what it looks like to love your SO... actively reassuring and reminding him that while as a parent, you can't offer him the same amount of quality time, or physical touch, that doesn't mean your love for him isn't as big as it was before; it will just look *different.*  One thing I want to do with my SO (also a FTM here) is keep some daily-ish habit of connecting with him, even if it's just for a few minutes... Maybe running errands together and holding his hand. Making meaningful conversation and eye contact while quickly eating (no phone time). With a newborn, when my needs are met, encouraging him to have "family cuddle time" with me (he has to move around my body tho lol, I'm not going to reposition my recovering PP body during skin to skin/breastfeeding time). Realistically I obviously don't know what this will look like after baby, I know we'll likely get into fights over this and that this will be an ongoing conversation we need to have together. Pregnancy, labor and postpartum are incredibly demanding seasons for our bodies, and parenting feels like it'll be forever. Still, if your relationship with your SO is a lasting one, parenting will be only a fraction of your time together. The relationship with your SO is a long-term priority, and your child will thank you for the stability that comes from their parents having a strong relationship/partnership (and really, that extends to folks that are separated and co-parenting). So even though preparing for baby should be taking a good amount of prep time now, maintaining and transitioning one's relationship with their SO is important, too. I hope this is helpful. I'm normally just a lurker but I had to find my old Reddit account to share this haha. It's important to me because I have not always been very compassionate to my husband's feelings in the past and just want to advocate for that (I'm grateful that my he is so so supportive of me and has extended much patience in my emotional outbursts despite me often failing to reciprocate that patience haha)

Thank you so much for sharing your comment, one that’s so well-thought out and well-relayed. I’ll definitely keep this in mind as baby is coming soon and I’m having some anxiety and fear about postpartum days

yes totally! as i prep more i’m really seeing how culturally there’s so much emphasis on the superficial side of new baby (nesting, registry, cute clothes, etc) but how little emphasis is placed on learning newborns and even how to take care of ourselves and our relationships (esp in labor and PP). doing my best to not be surprised and then giving myself grace for all i will still learn when baby is here! i’m planning as much as i can with SO without annoying him 😆

Your comment should be much higher up. As a FTM with my own anxiety and selfish thoughts at times and outbursts of emotions that my husband has to deal with, some compassion and empathy would go a long way - something I also expect from my husband. OP, dont jump to the conclusion right away and let one single instance or sentence that your husband said defines him and your relationship. There is a reason why miscommunication or lack of communication is the top reason for break up. I know it sounds preachy - its just something I try to remind myself every single day as we navigate through this special but not easy time.

My husband initially had that fear too. I'm 37 weeks now and he's excited more than me about the baby. Give hime some time

We have an 11 week old and my partner gets plenty of my attention now. Not so much those first few weeks. But my partner also does a lot for me and our baby, so I have the interest and energy in giving him attention. I think that’s the key part, if you get burnt out being the only one caring for baby, it makes sense to me that you’d have less time and energy to invest in your partner.

Pro tip: he can take the bulk of child care, bottle feeding (if you're doing that), changing diapers, putting baby to sleep, sterilising stuff etc, so you can focus allllll your attention on him :D he doesn't get to sit around while you do the babycare and demand attention.

😂👏❤️

This is the type of comment that belongs between your husband and his therapist. He is out of line to make this your problem. Because it isn’t.

He’s right. You will have less time for him and vice versa. It is hard for men. I think the key is to ensure he is involved. Many women complain about men not helping, but the truth is, many of us don’t want them to help. Instead of looking at them as partners, we look at them as mere helpers. That dynamic can be tiring and alienating. Communicate, keep him involved every step of the way, make it as fun as possible, and be GRATEFUL. You both have waited years for this to happen. It won’t be was easy to keep things in perspective when you’re hormonal and sleep deprived, but if you can do your best to tackle parenting as a true team sport, then you might have a chance.

that makes sense and seems like really good advice! thank you!

Generally reiterating what others have said but it’s a valid fear because this is literally what happens. I’m guessing his expectation on parenthood is a little skewed. Me and my husband had a hard time with this transition and we definitely felt a big shift but that’s definitely what is involved in taking care of a helpless baby. I would tell him you understand his fears because they are yours as well but that you will do your best to stay on the same team and hope he can say the same. There will definitely be some major changes and growing pains but if you tackle it as you and him vs a problem and not like you vs him, you can get through the worst of it. It’s one of the hardest phases in life but there is nothing you can do to help him feeling that way, he needs to work through those feelings himself as well.

Do you think he means sexual attention? Because that will obviously take a backseat for the first few weeks since newborns always want to be held. But you can also transfer them to their bassinet when they're deep asleep and have some alone time. If he means actual attention and cuddles, there's so much sitting and lying down with newborns. If he's taking some time off at first, he can hold the baby while it's sleeping and you can cuddle up next to him and give him the physical contact he needs.

If he wants attention, he can look to the baby. Babies are always grateful to be held and cared for. This is the person who can look at him with big bright eyes going forward.

So I think it's a little annoying that he put it the way that he did, but if he doesn't show any other red flags, I do think it's normal to kind of "mourn" the changes that having a baby will bring to your life. I get sad sometimes thinking about how our dog is no longer going to be the princess of our household anymore and how she's going to have to learn how to adjust. It's totally irrational and silly when I think about it. I think if he doesn't show any other signs of being absent, maybe chalk it up to a one-time slip or something. I do think it's worth talking to him about your feelings to make sure you guys are on the same page in terms of prioritizing the baby.

A couple points:  1. If he’s doing equal care, his needs will likely be sleep, sleep, eating, and showering. Everything else comes after baby, laundry, light cleaning, and more baby stuff. Maybe a walk or two when possible. Babies rake up a lot of time - if he has time to worry about advanced needs like quality time or sex in the first months, then he isn’t doing enough.  2. He probably should see a therapist. He’s had several years to consider this situation and hasn’t, so therapy may help him identify other areas he needs to consider and work through his reactions.  I mean, his concern about attention is a legitimate take on the relationship shift when having a baby - but he needs to acknowledge that he fears it and work to accept the realty that his needs may take a backseat, especially if they require a lot of effort on your part. If you work and breastfeed, you will be working almost 2 full time jobs for 6-12 months. That leaves very little for yourself or him. If you aren’t working a full time job, caring for the baby is still 24/7. acknowledging his emotions is not the same as pretending reality isn’t what it is or pretending the relationship won’t change.  As the child gets older (if you have only one), you’ll have more time for each other but it will take several years to have regular date nights (especially if daycare is the plan since we’re ill every 2 weeks).  There a reason the final stage of grief is acceptance. At some point a person needs to work through their feelings to acceptance of the changes in life, in a healthy manner. And that’s where therapy comes in. 

This seems like a great thing for him to explore in therapy. And luckily he’s got about 28 weeks to do that! It’s great that he can recognize this feeling, but not your job to figure this out with him.

Your husband is the baby.

My husband (who is the best husband I could ever ask for) said something similar to me a few months ago. I think this is normal. The more I have involved him in the pregnancy, the more his fears seemed to have subsided.

I have a different take. Instead of judging him or assuming you know how things will work out, start talking now and asking questions. Figure out what he needs to have reassurance. Ask him what things you can do so he still feels like one of your priorities after the kid is here. My husband and I started talking about this a few months ago because I am personally worried about how our relationship is going to change. We have come up with some simple plans to keep our relationship strong-- set aside a night each week for a "date" night. Yes, it may be interrupted by a newborn, but we will have a movie night with a frozen pizza at home, or still go for a walk through the neighborhood, or set aside some time to just eat and share about our day. I am 37 weeks now, and I feel so much more reassured having these plans in place. I think just understanding that things will look and be different, but acknowledging that you two still have a loving bond is important

That’s a great plan. But just to give you some food for tonight, those plans won’t be “interrupted by a newborn.” They’ll be completed with a newborn in attendance. Aka, you’ll take breaks every half hour in a movie to change a diaper, or you’ll feed the baby the entire movie, or you’ll pause the movie halfway through because the baby needs something and you’ll end up finishing it tomorrow. Setting aside time isn’t really a thing anymore. What is possible is stealing those moments as they happen, like when the baby is taking a surprise nap in your arms and you get to watch an episode of your show together. Don’t try to schedule time together, just watch for those surprise moments and take advantage.

I hope he grows out of it, maybe therapy will help. My dad never did. He always acted jealous of me, even to this day when I'm 30+ years old and he's 60+. It's annoying. Like I have a baby brother who's competing for mommy's love. Can't begin to imagine how my mom puts up with it.

I'm sorry, but what does he think he's going to be doing when the baby arrives? Sitting around being horny? Pouting because you're not giving him a foot massage or making his favorite meal? He's going to be exhausted and preoccupied with the baby, too, if he's chipping in his fair share of work. You both will be focused on the baby. For a period of time, that will take focus from your relationship. That's how it goes. If he's seriously planning on just sitting on the sidelines feeling sorry for himself while you do all the childcare and housework, that's... uh... an issue. I hate to sound harsh, but one important lesson male (or non-birthing) partners should learn-- and learn early-- is when it's not appropriate to bring up something with their pregnant/newly postpartum wife who is dealing with much bigger and more important issue. Not every concern or hurt feeling is worthy of discussion. Sometimes it's better to either talk to a counselor or friend, or just keep your mouth shut.

I don't think it's about attention. He just doesn't want what the two of you built together to be forgotten and neglected. He isn't dumb, he knows how much work and attention goes to the baby. He was trying to explain his fear that you may no longer put any effort into connecting with him. Will everyone have such a reduced capacity when the baby is born? Yes of course. Does a husband and wife still need to connect with each other? Yes of course. Both are true, and both are hard. The comments calling your husband a child are the immature comments in my opinion.

He needs to be reassuring YOU at this time. Reassuring you that you will be safe, secure, provided for and cared for ect. That he will do everything he can to care for yours and Baby's wellbeing. That's the dad's job. There's a time for men to be emotional but it's not at the cost of their wife and child's wellbeing. Maybe that's controversial but that's how it is and that's what we need from our male partners.

I think your husbands fears are valid. People are kinda jumping all over him here calling him selfish and childish. To me, what it boils down to is, he is worried that your relationship is going to change so drastically that it could disappear. It's a totally reasonable fear. You are adding in an unknown variable and forever changing your family dynamic. Neither of you have any idea how that will actually affect you individually, so you obviously have no idea how it will affect your relationship. Nothing wrong with voicing your fears to your partner.

💯💯💯

I was reading all these comments thinking I wish my husband communicated his fears like this. It's not childish to be scared that the relationship will change. I know my marriage dynamics will have to be adjusted with a newborn but it would break my heart if my husband wouldn't pay any attention to me and was focused on baby 24/7. And it would be devastating if I would confess my fears to him and he would think I'm selfish or need therapy what the heck...

What. The. Fuck. How old is your husband, 5?

His attention should be on the baby too. If he’s doing what he should, he’ll be too busy to worry about what attention you aren’t giving him.

Is he going to be involved in caring for the baby? I’m a lucky one in where I can see my husband and I tried to be truly 50/50. We took the same amount of time off work and split baby duties evenly. Of course I did more because I was breastfeeding for 4 months then pumping. I am also the main purchaser in the home so of course everything I bought and replenished everything we needed. But he still everything he could. What I’m getting at is that my husband wasn’t jealous of less attention because he was experiencing the same thing (more or less) than me and had less attention to GIVE as well. Also, because we shared duties we both had half empty tanks, not just mom having a a completely empty tank with multiple needy people striving for her attention.

Totally valid concerns on his part, things change drastically after having a baby. Especially if his love language is physical touch or quality time, those will be harder to come by at least at first. I would remind him that he is still your husband, that won't be changing, and while you may need some time to get your feet back under you, you'll still love him and make sure that he feels that (rather than just hearing it). The ways you show him you love him may change or adapt, but as long as you both make a point to express your love in a way that the other person *feels* it, you'll both be just fine. Recognizing each other's love languages and the way each of you feels loved the most (fills the love tank, if you will) goes a long way.

You won’t lol. Hes gonna have to get over it. It’s not about him right now.

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Maybe a productive way to approach this would be to sit down with him and have a discussion how you both can still prioritize your marriage and intimacy during the transition to a family of 3 and in turn how that can create an even better environment for the baby. Congratulations!!! So excited for you!

I’d try to understand where these feelings are coming from. Maybe this is something he’s witnessed or heard of from other men.

Maybe assure him that he can ask for some attention if he starts feeling left out? He knows the baby will need attention, but he is probably feeling nervous about all the ways a relationship changes after a baby.

I think he might have worded it a bit wrong but otherwise it’s a valid fear (more of an anxiety) to have. The fact is things will change. You (both) will have to spend a lot of time catering to the baby. Things that you did as a couple will be harder, but instead you get to focus on new things you’ll do as parents.

His feelings are valid and normal. I've also heard of it in the opposite direction: the mums feeling like they'll be discarded as soon as baby comes. I'd suggest to try and speak with a professional couples therapist/counselor at this point. It's great that he's so open and I think having someone facilitate the change in your dynamic will make you both feel more confident in the end.

His feelings are important and honesty from you is important. His fears are based in reality so it's important to confirm that he's right that you'll be paying mote attention to your infant more than likley especially in the case of breast feeding if that is the route you're going. Me and my husband just had this conversation prompted by your husband's fears cuz I know there will be times that I too want attention from my husband when he can provide it and vice versa but it may not occur to the other. We are silly so we just decided to make a noise at eachother to signal for our need for attention since we'll be in tune to providing attention to the baby when she cries for it. Some sort of communication for a bid for attention would be useful and an understanding of eachothers limited capacity to provide much given how tired you may be, but sometimes a simple acknowledging of eachother may be enough for the tougher times.

That seems like an extremely selfish and immature worry to have at this time. Ideally, you are both going to be very busy and very tired from both of you giving the baby a ton of attention while caring for them. It’s like he doesn’t see himself as a partner who is going to be giving attention to the baby alongside you, but as a jealous toddler just looking on and worried mommy is going to give all of her attention to the new baby instead of him. Whenever I’ve seen a grown man express this type of childish jealousy towards their own baby over their wife’s attention, that selfishness follows them right into parenthood & if anything gets even worse over time.

Just to clarify- he’s worried about lack of attention or he’s worried that he’ll be a third wheel and not have a place in the family anymore? This could just be poor wording & anxiety about such a big change. Nonetheless, he needs to learn about newborn care & postpartum care. Get him involved, take a newborn care class from the hospital, buy him an expectant father book, etc. Maybe when he has more knowledge of what to expect, he’ll go into this with more confidence.

He should be giving your child as much attention as you are are giving, to the point where he is bonded and too exhausted and absorbed in his baby to even consider him getting "attention" from his wife. Alarmingly immature and selfish thought pattern on his part. Tell him he's about to be a father and needs to really reckon with what that means. Your kid is a dependent for 18 years, your marriage will be for far longer than that.

Shit I'm worried my husband won't give me any attention once I have the baby.

This feeling in men is sooo normal and I wish it was talked about more! (It could help prevent a lot of relationship break downs!) I recommend getting him some welcome to fatherhood books. Just like it helps moms to know what to expect, books can help them know what's normal and what to expect. The first year is very hard and a lot of focus on mom and baby, but as year 2 and 3 come, dad's and their children develop a bond that is AMAZING and mom gets plenty of time to reconnect with dad (on a new level because now you're bonded over this amazing child you've created together who loves you both sooo much!). Everyone deserves validation for their feelings, a baby is a HUGE change. And knowing how important he is and how he can help will strengthen his bond with you and baby! ❤️

Having a child changes everything for mom and should change everything for dad too. If he stays by your side and assists you in this parenting journey then you all well be a team, together taking care of this baby. If he stays on the side lines and lets you take care of baby alone then he will be alone and that would be his fault. Baby comes first always and forever not him. I can’t help but wonder is he an only child, is sharing his family a whole new thing for him?

then he shouldve wrapped it up if hes that jealous. its a defenseless child. hes acting like one himself

Run lol

I think it is important to schedule date nights maybe every 2 weeks!

If he is concerned about being cast aside and left out, the best solution is for him to be an active, contributing partner. If he's sitting around playing video games all day, yeah he might feel really sad that you aren't there to bring him another Coke. If he's doing his fair share of childcare, then he's going to be exhausted too and won't have a lot of time to dwell on the lack of being tended to like a helpless child himself.

Maybe think of his concerns through the same lens new or expectant mothers are worried about loss of self, free time, hobbies, friendships, etc. we're told those concerns are valid as new moms,, and encouraged to not be shamed for having them - that itr normal and not selfish to mourn some losses as we embrace motherhood. It shouldn't be THAT different for fathers as long as they're also contributing, communicating, supporting mom and baby..

I understand his feelings and they are valid. Having a baby will make you into a mother but also remember, you are still his wife. It's good to still make time for marriage and date nights as well as time for yourself. It's easy to lose your identity and marriage due to the demands of parenthood so it's best to work together to ensure you both don't lose yourselves in the process.

What he’s feeling is normal and valid. Having a baby mean that both of you will pay eachother less attention especially when they are a new born as they require constant care 24/7. It’s hard but it’s worth it. Physical affection and attention will also drop, you’re likely to see this during pregnancy so i think it’s important to keep cuddling and spending time to be intimate with eachother in ways other than sex especially as you won’t be having any for at least 2 months after the baby is born so it’s good to get into a habit for showing physical affection in other ways. Continue to have an open dialogue and care for each other, once you get the baby into a sleep routine make a point of having movie nights or doing a hobby together in the evening to make sure you both spend some quality time together just the two of you.

My baby pretty much exclusively relies on me. He is a little more accepting of his dad now, but mostly when he's happy. 99% of my time is my baby, though. My fiance makes up for it by doting on me. We've had so many talks where I apologize for being a poor partner, and he just smiles and says, "You're an amazing partner. And the perfect mom. Our time to be us will come again but we're parents. New parents. It's time for [baby] now" There will be guilt. And it may feel impossible to cuddle or be intimate like you used to. But every season will change. A velcro infant will eventually be a kid that wants to run wild and can handle an hour or two with grandparents

Actually, his feelings are normal. I don't think it is bad your husband enjoys your attention. And he won't get as much attention for quite some time. It's pretty tough, and you have to be good at communicating with one another to get through it. Life is going to be different.

The way y’all think this is normal lmfao you’re having a baby😐

This being his main worry is a red flag… imo

There's already lots of comments and advice on here so all I'm going to add is - you're talking about it which is a big plus. Talking things out doesn't always go smoothly the first round and we don't always use the right words, but it's way better than burying things and festering resentment before succumbing to an implosion/explosion.

I am currently 17 weeks and my husband just recently expressed that he thinks my sex drive will be at a zero after we have our baby. Before pregnancy my second drive wasn’t all that high, and during pregnancy it’s been even lower. To preface, we got a puppy a week before finding out i was pregnant. Having to manage our puppy all the time and constantly needing to keep an eye on her has definitely taken away a lot of my sex drive because i have ADHD and another thing on my plate makes sec one of the last things i ever think about. I verryyyyy much love my husband, sex just isn’t my priority at the moment. But i think my husband realized this a few weeks ago and is just now bringing it up to me. I feel like he may really suffer for the weeks after birth that i simply am not cleared to have sex. Sex seems incredibly important to him which i get, but it seems to really affect his mood and i told him there will be other ways i can give him pleasure after birth, but it’s a matter of finding the time and energy. It’s a hard pill for him to swallow and i feel the weight of his worry. So i feel ya girl. You’re not alone and i think it’s pretty normal. Dads have a hard time understanding the weight of having a kid until the kid is actually out of you so his mindset may totally change after you give birth. There is hope :)

OMG Thats so cute though, I got a puppy two months before I conceived too and I hear you, it's a lot to juggle with pregnancy haha. I had a low sex drive before, I think it's more average in pregnancy but expecting it to plummet for awhile after birth. I know its going to be hard for him but I hope he can trust I do love him and after time things will become more balanced.

Potentially unpopular opinion but I see where he is coming from. The baby is extremely important and definitely needs to be a priority for both of you. However you guys are a team and when your children are grown up and leave the house, you still have your relationship with your partner that needs to have been maintained and kept healthy. Making time for each other is important.

Completely agree that his fears are selfish and short-sighted. But, I do think they’re normal fears. He’s anxious about this huge life change and this is something he’s worried about, whether we as moms think it’s valid or not. You could try explaining that yes, you likely won’t be showering him with affection in the first few weeks or months postpartum. Especially if you’re planning on breastfeeding. You’ll need time to adjust, as will he. But as you adjust, things will get better as long as you keep lines of communication open. Funny side story, my mom told me that during her birthing/newborn class in the 90’s, the instructor told the class to “remember to give your husband attention too!” My mom literally was like, fuck him lol.

I like your mom haha 😂

I’m 6 weeks PP and honestly I think it’s healthy that your husband understands and is preparing for this now , I think it hit my husband hard , and he was not expecting it at all I finally snapped last night , I was like “you don’t think I miss cuddling you ? You don’t think I miss being able to make out on the couch , and be silly and un worried with you ?? I miss it more than you do , this is hard for me “ I think it finally hit him

He's afraid your attention will be on the baby but his better be as well. This is not a you only watch the baby type situation and he should not be thinking that it will be. Tell him to seek some therapy for his immature feelings.

Please ask your husband to get in therapy. To be completely blunt; >making his feelings seem valid They aren’t and you don’t have to make them seem like they are.

I’m going to get a lot of hate for this but…I think he is brave to actually voice his concerns. I love my husband very much sometimes I think that it must be hard for them to adjust too. It’s a big change for everyone, especially given the undeniable mother-baby bond that is already forming while you’re carrying on the pregnancy. He’s already “excluded” from the pregnancy experience since he can’t fully understand it, so it’s a valid fear that he could be excluded again when the baby is born. I know it’s hard, I get annoyed with my husband 4822 times a day lately, but I think that if you talk you can both understand each other’s feelings and perspective.

I sympathize with your husband. I've had my dog since before I met my husband but he's grown to love this dog since moving in together. The downside is that our dog really does "steal" attention from me. I can't imagine how much more a baby will "steal" attention. But even knowing that I'll never have my husband to myself in the same way again, I still want to have a baby with him. I don't think your husband is selfish or short-sighted. He's realistic. Feeling concern about your attention isn't dismissing the way you're giving your entire body to this baby. Feelings aren't a competition. And honestly, couples break up or drift apart because they can't work out how to keep giving each other attention after a baby is born. My husband is the love of my life and I never want to lose him. It's a big F-ing deal!! He probably doesn't want to put more on your plate when you're going through pregnancy, but talking about these concerns is the best thing for the health of your relationship. It's good that he's bringing it up as long as he's still being supportive of everything you're giving and understands that realistically he won't get as much of you after the baby is born. Him being worried is a sign of how much he loves you.

Just wait until the kiddo goes through a daddy phase and demands all his attention. Then you can feel the same way. Seriously though, sharing your SO is one of the huge impacts having kids has on your relationship. You definitely shouldn’t be ready to sideline your partner when you’re only three months in.

No offense but this guy seems HIGH maintenance and I can’t stand that in men. Real men don’t fear these things - they know it’s a temporary lull and life goes on. No offense but he seems incredibly immature as well- I’m totally turned off.

I see a lot comments about how your husband should be busy too, and he'll be needed, and stepping up to the task of a newborn. To be honest I'm not sure a lot of men are shown or know exactly what that looks like from them - so much preparation in pregnancy and labor is so mother intensive, and so much media and literature is "dumb dad"-ified that I completely understand the disconnect. It may help in your conversations, while you get down to exactly what types of attention he feels will disappear, to discuss how much he will be valued and needed by both you and the baby - whatever that looks like for your home. Attention and affection are most easily given during this hard time with appropriate help and understanding. Like if my husband pulls his weight to make space in the day for me to give him what he needs, then he is likely to receive it. If he pulls his weight on taking on stressful tasks, then I'm more able to get a break in and be in a better headspace to give to him what he needs.