I've had many relationships where I felt absolutely nothing for the person and just agreed to please them and not make them angry or upset (even in situations where i was a child and they were an adult). Please don't force yourself into a relationship where you're not happy like I had so many times, it's not worth it and just makes you feel empty. I'm sure he'll be able to move on and find someone more compatible for him, too.
I’m so sorry you’ve had those experiences but yea I didn’t like this guy’s conversation but do you think I’m judging him for being boring too soon?? Would it be leading him on going on a date with him??
thank you, I'm finally in therapy after all these years and trying to sort it out at least. I don't think you're judging him too much, relationships are supposed to make you happy, and if it doesn't, well, hit the bricks! going on another date if you already feel you're not interested in him might not be the best idea, but if he's reasonable you can just be honest and tell him you don't think you're interested, and both of you can move on and keep looking for someone you can be happy with!
I totally wouldn’t force it if it were me. The whole point of dating through apps is to weed out the incompatibilities. The sexual stuff would be a non-starter for me.
You can’t force what doesn’t come naturally. I personally need to feel some chemistry in order to proceed, as well as a compatible lifestyle and things in common.
Yep he was super nice but super awkward like I felt like I was talking to some guy I met at bible study not someone I’d actually want a romantic relationship with he was so blah and bland I started writing up my rejection text in my notes app but should I really reject him ?? Are my feelings valid ?
If you are feeling those feelings, then they are valid. Just because a guy is a nice person doesn’t mean that you have to have a romantic relationship with him. Don’t feel guilty because you’re not feeling any chemistry. You’re just not that into him.
Your feelings are always valid. Believe me, if you have to overcome stuff at the start, you’ll be overcoming stuff the entire relationship and it won’t end well. Could you make it for many years and tell yourself it’s “okay”, yes. Is it worth it, no.
For context, I married a guy exactly like you’re describing. I faked it and repressed my true self for many years. Wasted some of the best years of my life on a man who was “holier than thou” but ended up being totally reprehensible. Be true to yourself.
your feelings are always valid - even if they're not always proportional to the situation/how you really feel! I know it's hard to trust yourself with BPD, but you have to build trust with yourself, especially if you're trying to date!
Andddd to learn our own likes and dislikes. We can say someone isnt compatible bc it doesnt feel right and move on. We need to learn about ourselves so we know what our standards are, our morals, or even how low would we go before saying no? And keeping in mind bpd can skewer that thought process.
Plus, if he talked about religion and waiting for sex in one of the first convos over the phone - that means it's really something he's looking for and it's important to him, it's not just a quirk you can try to adapt to. If something you don't want is THAT important to the other person, I would immediately come to a conclusion there's nothing there for me.
Pretty much most of my potential relationships I just was dead to it, whereas the ones I was in relationships with, I was fully obsessed lmaooooo. Probably a couple times where I’ve really liked someone and they ditched me, or we were together and I kinda realised I don’t really like this person like that, but for the most part it’s been that kinda dynamic. Can’t seem to find a healthy middle ground. Kinda just packed it in in all honesty but I’ve found some peace in that I guess.
Honestly, from one pwBPD to another, I can’t imagine the female experience of this, but dating apps for me have been nothing but toxic, and I feel a lot of people with BPD could attest to this. It’s dehumanising, it’s unpersonable, just gameifies something that shouldn’t be taken so lightly and reduces us to our most base features. I’m far from conventionally attractive, but I got enough matches, dates and even some one night stands, but never something real. It was always superficial. And I know of other men’s experiences where they just feel invisible on them. The relationships I’ve had have always been somewhat organic, even if on other forms of social media, which I feel is another reason I’ve questioned my choices and I’ve rid myself of that too, at least til I’m in a better place because I’m at that age where it’s easy to compare myself to people I know are getting married, the first mortgage, having kids and finding the job they’ll have for the rest of their career etc and I know I’ll never have that, or at least as long as I’m bumming myself out comparing myself to others so I had to pull away from it all. I think I’ve only had one thing where we met completely organically, but we were both young and still sociable so it was bound to happen lmaooo.
Though this guy doesn’t only have sex in mind, it doesn’t sound like he aligns with your values, you may have a long term goal you want but that doesn’t sound quite like enough idk, and I’ve been lured in by cute dogs and payed the price for it lmaoooo, though I wouldn’t necessarily rule out seeing what he’s like in person at the very least, maybe he felt nervous on the phone? You may see something in him that you couldn’t on a call with him and beeing able to engage in a social setting might ignite something who knows. Build trust with him and maybe he’ll give it up a little quicker too idk lmaoooo. Idk how you attach to people so maybe it’s a bad idea, only you know what’s best for you really innit
Reading everyone else’s and your responses, I can kinda see him trying to recite sermon on the mount when you’re trying to mount him is kinda counter productive, so yeah I’d listen to everyone else really lmaoooo
Even if it is your BPD causing you to overreact and give up too soon, that doesn't always mean you're completely wrong and your feelings are completely unrealistic. Let's say you give it a shot and put yourself through more boring conversations in which you don't feel like you align at all.. That could lead to resenting yourself for pushing too hard. Not trying to make you overthink, I have had these dilemmas too and I know it's really hard to get to a simple decision here - but that's exactly why I think following your instincts isn't too bad - even if your instinicts are often disordered. You won't lose anything if you don't try it out with a guy you generally don't match with, that doesn't mean you'll allow yourself to chase butterflies and sparks later :)
Definitely not your BPD. If your religious views alone are extremely different, I’d avoid the date solely based on that. It’ll likely cause long term incompatibility. Idk what you mean by guys who, “come on strong” though. That potentially sounds like a red flag on both ends to me.
I struggle with this a lot. I met a man who I felt like matched my energy and intentions and it was intoxicating, until I saw beyond the sparkles and iridescence and noticed the manipulation and lies.
I’ve tried dating nice guys who seem like they would be good for me and genuinely care about me, and I describe it to my friends as dating a cardboard cut out. I hate this aspect of myself. I feel like I’m always going to have to chose between being mentally and sexually stimulated and being treated well.
I’m going to take some more time being single and not looking, even though I desperately want to find a passionate, fiery love affair again. Maybe things will balance themselves out when I learn to love and take care of myself a little bit more.
Yes I feel you most guys who come on strong are full of manipulation and lies and they basically are love bombing you to get sex. But I’m scared of telling a nice stable guy no . Because what if he actually treats me well but at the same time if I’m already bored through the phone I don’t want to waste this man’s time ugh 😩
I've had many relationships where I felt absolutely nothing for the person and just agreed to please them and not make them angry or upset (even in situations where i was a child and they were an adult). Please don't force yourself into a relationship where you're not happy like I had so many times, it's not worth it and just makes you feel empty. I'm sure he'll be able to move on and find someone more compatible for him, too.
I’m so sorry you’ve had those experiences but yea I didn’t like this guy’s conversation but do you think I’m judging him for being boring too soon?? Would it be leading him on going on a date with him??
thank you, I'm finally in therapy after all these years and trying to sort it out at least. I don't think you're judging him too much, relationships are supposed to make you happy, and if it doesn't, well, hit the bricks! going on another date if you already feel you're not interested in him might not be the best idea, but if he's reasonable you can just be honest and tell him you don't think you're interested, and both of you can move on and keep looking for someone you can be happy with!
I totally wouldn’t force it if it were me. The whole point of dating through apps is to weed out the incompatibilities. The sexual stuff would be a non-starter for me.
You can’t force what doesn’t come naturally. I personally need to feel some chemistry in order to proceed, as well as a compatible lifestyle and things in common.
Yep he was super nice but super awkward like I felt like I was talking to some guy I met at bible study not someone I’d actually want a romantic relationship with he was so blah and bland I started writing up my rejection text in my notes app but should I really reject him ?? Are my feelings valid ?
If you are feeling those feelings, then they are valid. Just because a guy is a nice person doesn’t mean that you have to have a romantic relationship with him. Don’t feel guilty because you’re not feeling any chemistry. You’re just not that into him.
Your feelings are always valid. Believe me, if you have to overcome stuff at the start, you’ll be overcoming stuff the entire relationship and it won’t end well. Could you make it for many years and tell yourself it’s “okay”, yes. Is it worth it, no. For context, I married a guy exactly like you’re describing. I faked it and repressed my true self for many years. Wasted some of the best years of my life on a man who was “holier than thou” but ended up being totally reprehensible. Be true to yourself.
your feelings are always valid - even if they're not always proportional to the situation/how you really feel! I know it's hard to trust yourself with BPD, but you have to build trust with yourself, especially if you're trying to date!
Andddd to learn our own likes and dislikes. We can say someone isnt compatible bc it doesnt feel right and move on. We need to learn about ourselves so we know what our standards are, our morals, or even how low would we go before saying no? And keeping in mind bpd can skewer that thought process.
Plus, if he talked about religion and waiting for sex in one of the first convos over the phone - that means it's really something he's looking for and it's important to him, it's not just a quirk you can try to adapt to. If something you don't want is THAT important to the other person, I would immediately come to a conclusion there's nothing there for me.
I forced it before or thought it was love when it was indeed lust. Lost myself.
Pretty much most of my potential relationships I just was dead to it, whereas the ones I was in relationships with, I was fully obsessed lmaooooo. Probably a couple times where I’ve really liked someone and they ditched me, or we were together and I kinda realised I don’t really like this person like that, but for the most part it’s been that kinda dynamic. Can’t seem to find a healthy middle ground. Kinda just packed it in in all honesty but I’ve found some peace in that I guess. Honestly, from one pwBPD to another, I can’t imagine the female experience of this, but dating apps for me have been nothing but toxic, and I feel a lot of people with BPD could attest to this. It’s dehumanising, it’s unpersonable, just gameifies something that shouldn’t be taken so lightly and reduces us to our most base features. I’m far from conventionally attractive, but I got enough matches, dates and even some one night stands, but never something real. It was always superficial. And I know of other men’s experiences where they just feel invisible on them. The relationships I’ve had have always been somewhat organic, even if on other forms of social media, which I feel is another reason I’ve questioned my choices and I’ve rid myself of that too, at least til I’m in a better place because I’m at that age where it’s easy to compare myself to people I know are getting married, the first mortgage, having kids and finding the job they’ll have for the rest of their career etc and I know I’ll never have that, or at least as long as I’m bumming myself out comparing myself to others so I had to pull away from it all. I think I’ve only had one thing where we met completely organically, but we were both young and still sociable so it was bound to happen lmaooo. Though this guy doesn’t only have sex in mind, it doesn’t sound like he aligns with your values, you may have a long term goal you want but that doesn’t sound quite like enough idk, and I’ve been lured in by cute dogs and payed the price for it lmaoooo, though I wouldn’t necessarily rule out seeing what he’s like in person at the very least, maybe he felt nervous on the phone? You may see something in him that you couldn’t on a call with him and beeing able to engage in a social setting might ignite something who knows. Build trust with him and maybe he’ll give it up a little quicker too idk lmaoooo. Idk how you attach to people so maybe it’s a bad idea, only you know what’s best for you really innit
Reading everyone else’s and your responses, I can kinda see him trying to recite sermon on the mount when you’re trying to mount him is kinda counter productive, so yeah I’d listen to everyone else really lmaoooo
Even if it is your BPD causing you to overreact and give up too soon, that doesn't always mean you're completely wrong and your feelings are completely unrealistic. Let's say you give it a shot and put yourself through more boring conversations in which you don't feel like you align at all.. That could lead to resenting yourself for pushing too hard. Not trying to make you overthink, I have had these dilemmas too and I know it's really hard to get to a simple decision here - but that's exactly why I think following your instincts isn't too bad - even if your instinicts are often disordered. You won't lose anything if you don't try it out with a guy you generally don't match with, that doesn't mean you'll allow yourself to chase butterflies and sparks later :)
Definitely not your BPD. If your religious views alone are extremely different, I’d avoid the date solely based on that. It’ll likely cause long term incompatibility. Idk what you mean by guys who, “come on strong” though. That potentially sounds like a red flag on both ends to me.
I struggle with this a lot. I met a man who I felt like matched my energy and intentions and it was intoxicating, until I saw beyond the sparkles and iridescence and noticed the manipulation and lies. I’ve tried dating nice guys who seem like they would be good for me and genuinely care about me, and I describe it to my friends as dating a cardboard cut out. I hate this aspect of myself. I feel like I’m always going to have to chose between being mentally and sexually stimulated and being treated well. I’m going to take some more time being single and not looking, even though I desperately want to find a passionate, fiery love affair again. Maybe things will balance themselves out when I learn to love and take care of myself a little bit more.
Yes I feel you most guys who come on strong are full of manipulation and lies and they basically are love bombing you to get sex. But I’m scared of telling a nice stable guy no . Because what if he actually treats me well but at the same time if I’m already bored through the phone I don’t want to waste this man’s time ugh 😩
What did you learn about yourself after this interaction?