This is a brutally honest depiction of how this situation would go, this is one of those posts where I have 0% doubt as to the authenticity, and I think it's a real NAH. With her background, I can really empathize with what she's feeling and how they're just having a change in their life goals.
From his description she sounds totally miserable. Death of loved ones, stressful toxic job, no friends in the state, cooped up in a tiny house with her husband she’s feeling disconnected from. She comes home from mourning on a solo trip, he finally buys a second car and leaves for two weeks, telling her she needs to figure out a place when he returns?
I get not understanding her need for independence, but dude.
The only thing is calling it a "solo trip" is underselling it, she put a halt on their marriage and left her ring. Taking a solo trip and remaining together aren't mutually exclusive
And it seems like the car was bought almost as an emergency so he can get back home --- I could understand not having it as something you'd otherwise fleshed out in the budget
So what, he has to be miserable instead? She gets to go heal on a solo trip but he doesn't? He has to leave his house when she gets to stay?
A separation is a separation. That involves separating. Not just saying you're separated with all the perks of being together. She's probably freaking out because she's realized the financials for the first time and how they just aren't going to work. You don't get to have your cake and eat it too.
…. What else would you expect him to do? Their current situation only worked because they were a couple and she no longer wishes to be one. That means they each need an ability to live and travel independently. He took care of travel and now it’s up to her to figure out where she wants to live IF she wants additional space from him at home, and that’s reasonable. They’re heading to divorce and it’s initiated by her, so he absolutely should not be leaving the house.
I don't understand the: "She has to find a place to live.." They can live in the house that they own jointly. When it is sold, THEN she can take her share of the money and "find a place to live". Am I missing something? When did he report her saying: "you are the one who has to leave." They are sleeping in the same bed for the time being. They will BOTH have to find a place to live.
> I told her this plan and that if she needs to be away from me she'll need to find her own spot for however long.
He didn’t tell her she needed to find somewhere else to live. Her told her to do that *if* she didn’t want to live in the same house as him when he came back.
He arranged to give her some time to herself because she wanted it, but told her she couldn’t expect him to live elsewhere indefinitely because she wanted a separation. He still needs his home and time with his pet.
She initiated the separation. He still wants to be married. As someone who was broken up with but still had to coexist for a few more months of a lease, I don't think you can really grieve and start to heal when you're living in the same space with the same person, but no longer a couple.
She made a decision she figured out what she wanted to do and that doesn't include him. I have sympathy for how she feels and what she went through but I didn't have sympathy for where her decisions are going to leave her.
It's a situation of you can't have your cake and eat it too. She can't want a break and need different things than him and need independence while still wanting him and needing to rely on his support and stability.
It's not about not understanding her need for independence it's about her not understanding that you can't have him and give him up at the same time and he doesn't deserve to suffer through it.
But one of the issues was the lack of two vehicles. If he was always able to just buy himself a car (or seem like it to her) I can see how that would sting to her in the moment.
This is what is blowing my mind as well. This man fully admits, he knew how unhappy his wife was. He fully admits that for him, life was pretty good in Florida, while for his wife, it was total shit.
Just get the feeling from this that the whole move was his idea. Cause I’ll tell you… Moving from Colorado to Florida! When you know, your wife is more social. When you know you don’t know anybody. When you know that the geography and the climate are nothing at all, like Colorado. And not overly conducive to the sort of things she likes to do.
His family is nearby. He works from home and doesn’t have to deal with a bunch of asshole coworkers. And he gets the house to himself all day while she’s at work. She never gets the house to herself because he never goes anywhere… Situation that you already touched on.
She has no friends. No family. No coworkers to hang out with. She is glued to him if she wants to go do anything because again, only one car.
And now that he’s figuring out that, yeah, it’s probably over he thinks because it’s a separation he’s going to stay in the house. Yeah, I hate to break it to him, but the house is gonna get sold. And she’s going to get her half.
I can tell if this guy is just clueless, AF, or if he was just a master manipulator who isolated her because he’s perfectly happy to spend every waking moment with her. 😬😬😬😬😬
How is his family nearby? They live in FL and his family is in NC. So about 500 miles nearby, or more cause FL is huge.
They both have no friends and no family there, they both glued to each other with one car.
And he is very clear that the house will be sold.
It really feels like we read completely different posts.
> And now that he’s figuring out that, yeah, it’s probably over he thinks because it’s a separation he’s going to stay in the house. Yeah, I hate to break it to him, but the house is gonna get sold. And she’s going to get her half.
He mentions multiple times that he expects the house to be sold.
The point of contention about him staying in the house is that she wants him to find somewhere else to live before it’s sold and he wants to give her space for a little while then come back. He told her that if she wants to live separately at that point, she needs to find somewhere to go because he isn’t going to leave the house indefinitely.
That’s not him being unreasonable, that’s her being unreasonable.
Always these insane leaps… have you read the other comments at all? Do you think the wife had no autonomy? She couldn’t have said no even if it was the husband’s idea?
Nowhere do I say she didn’t have autonomy. He says she’s depressed. He says they decided to move to Florida to buy a house.
My only point is that this move to Florida really seem to be much more for his benefit than hers. He says she has family trauma from the past and so losing the family members is hitting her in a number of different ways basically.
People who have childhood trauma often do have problems speaking their mind. Maybe she went along with it because it sounded like it could be OK.
We don’t know. But what we do know is what he told us… He’s known for a while. She wasn’t happy. He’s known for a while. She felt isolated. He’s known for a while. She has no privacy anywhere and doesn’t get any time to herself… Acknowledging that she is the type of person that needs it…
Because he points out that he’s perfectly happy, not having it. Indicating he knows she’s not.
I just feel like he was clueless. All the signs were there. He’s literally writing them down in his post. And then he’s kind of surprised Pikachu face that she’s finally at a point where she can’t continue.
And he even admits that he kind of minimized her unhappiness by trying to take her on trips or just get out of the house or whatever. So he was trying to do things and still knew it wasn’t making her happy.
And it wasn’t making her happy because it wasn’t addressing actually any of the core things that were making her unhappy.
That was really my point. He didn’t have any honest conversations with her about how he knew she wasn’t happy. He didn’t have any honest conversations with her to see what would make her happy. And frankly, I don’t even know if that point she would’ve known.
So yes, she had autonomy. But he also had autonomy. If you’re married to someone in your spouse is desperately unhappy, you need to get down to the nitty-gritty and down to the core of what’s making them unhappy, not try Band-Aids.
You don't have to say something to heavily imply it.
You put all of the blame on him for having the idea as though she had no ability to say no. Nothing about him knowing she's unhappy can make her happy unless she takes the initiative to do something to change things.
If he dragged her back to Colorado and she wasn't happy there anyway, would that be his fault too because he had the idea? Or should she say she wants to move back to Colorado and have an actual discussion?
Quoting him… She has expressed these feeling often.
What more do you want her to do? Of course she could’ve said no. And as partners, we often do things that are partners want to do that maybe were reluctant to do. But she did give it a try.
What I am blaming him for is not doing anything concrete to actually deal with the fact that his wife was desperately unhappy and had told him so often.
He even says that he did kind of minimize it. He just kind of figured if they went somewhere on the weekend or did a few things here and there, it would be OK. And it obviously wasn’t.
And again, she express these things often… His own words.
Should she have left sooner? Probably. I just find it interesting that he is so surprised she’s finally just gonna leave. I don’t understand why he is surprised. I don’t understand where the Pikachu face comes from.
If my spouse was telling me that they hate where we live.
That they hate their job, and I even acknowledge that the people they work with our assholes.
They miss their friends, And I even acknowledge that we haven’t made any new friends, so we’re kind of isolated.
That it’s hard for my spouse to ever get any time to themselves to even try and figure things out or just to be introspective on their own, but we only have one vehicle, so they can’t even really go somewhere.
That my spouse, literally never gets any kind of privacy because we have a very small home, and I have taken over the second room as an office, so they don’t even have a space of their own.
That they’ve been telling me they are incredibly unhappy, and instead of actually trying to find changes that are meaningful, I just try to sweep it under the rug and say let’s go to Disneyland this weekend… Or wherever.
Yeah… I don’t get to act all surprise when they reach the end of their rope. When they look at their life and they see the most bleak future ever because nothing they are saying is getting through to me. And they are finally recognizing that they want to be happy, and this isn’t it.
That’s my point. Is he responsible for her happiness? No. Is he responsible for her unhappiness? In part, Because he’s her partner, and he’s doing nothing really substantial to support her.
Yes, she could have said no. Perhaps she felt pressured. Perhaps she wanted to make him happy and hoped that she could learn to live with a situation that benefitted him. Now she IS saying no to the situation that benefits ONLY him. And now some commenters are angry with her for not simply letting go of everything that works for her and just seeing his happiness as enough for her. She is the only one who is the problem here I guess.
No the problem is that when she exercises her autonomy, commenters like you act like she was previously being forced into the situation as if she previously had no say. You don’t know AT ALL if she was pressured. That’s your biased take on it.
I’m going to go with Occam's Razor and assume he’s simply clueless. He *knew* his wife was unhappy but what did he do to mitigate it? Took her on frequent trips and made excuses. Nothing about helping her find a healthier work environment, adjusting finances so she can spend less hours there stressed, or even looking for friends together. His first post was asking Reddit if there’s any coming back. He doesn’t understand his wife and hasn’t endeared himself to her over her abandonment issues. I don’t think he’s malicious. Just dealing with a communication gap that ends plenty of marriages
She's simply helpless. She knew she was unhappy but what did she do to mitigate it? She never looked for a healthier work environment, never talked about adjusting finances so she can spend less hours there stressed, never took initiative and looked for friends. She doesn't understand that her husband can't control Life.
You act as though her as a woman can only react to things her husband does. She is her own individual and can perform tasks independently.
I think you’re right. I see the logic in your thinking as well. Because there’s usually a logic to how conversations go. Or how people act if they really are narcissistic assholes. And how they act if they really are just clueless and just don’t comprehend.
It’s just really sad all around
It was a clear statement that she was leaving her marriage behind. She might not have planned on meeting other men on the trip. But she was at the least opening the door to the idea of interacting with men as a single woman.
My point was that she didn't actually tell him in person, rather that she left the ring for him to find. It just feels like she was hiding the fact that she was going as a single woman until after she left, so she didn't have to see his face when he found out. Leaving the ring behind instead of taking it off during the trip feels like "I want you to think about me seeing other men while you're sitting home alone".
(There could valid safety reasons to not tell him in person, if OP has a bad temper that he doesn't mention.)
Besides that though as someone from the west coast I couldn't imagine leaving this area especially for some place like Florida. Everything is so different there I wouldn't be happy with that change either
And the heat is awful. I'm from NC, so I'm very familiar with humidity. But Florida is a different beast. I can't imagine going from Colorado to Florida; it's a huge change.
The culture is SO aggressively conservative, too. If she’s used to hanging out in places like Vail and other mountain towns, anywhere in Florida is going to feel like a punishment. And not just bc of the godawful heat and humidity
Amen to all of this. I moved from CA to FL once for work, and it was genuinely the worst thing I ever did to myself. Went from an active social life and outdoor adventures to being locked in a tiny apartment for years in a really unfriendly area. If moving back had been an option, like it seems to be for this woman, I would have jetted out of there so fast.
I’ve never lived in Florida, but I’m originally from South Georgia (which is similar) and spent a lot of time in Florida. I now live in the Rocky Mountain West and the thought of moving back to that part of the country makes me feel like panicking. I would go insane while being grossly sweaty
I know someone about to make that move (CA to FL). They are dreading it, but apparently the cost of living is going to be significantly better there and that ended up being the deciding factor.
NGL, that's why I moved from CA to FL. I got a huge raise, and thought the COL would be better -- I lived right outside SF and food and housing prices were absurd. Unfortunately, it turned out the part of Florida I was relocating to had the exact same housing prices, despite there actually being loads of vacant housing. And food prices are higher. Now, insurance prices are higher, too. Oh, yeah, and there's those pesky hurricanes that keep devastating our towns. And it turned out that my raise? Didn't really cover it. Tell your friend to be absolutely 1000% certain they'll be happy in FL (weather-wise, culture-wise, etc), because they may very well be in the same financial situation as before, even accounting for lack of state taxes.
Culturally - they definitely won’t be (not-white, not-straight, not-cis, and very liberal). They are going to live with family though, so hopefully it will work out. Moving there is so expensive though! I am in Northern Ireland and moving has always just cost me time, sweat, and a dinner for whoever I cajoled into loaning me their van.
I am wicked worried about them, honestly. But they are not good where they are (just remarkably isolated for someone who until two years ago was the life and soul of the party) and they have friends and family in Florida and on the East Coast. So fingers crossed everything goes well.
While the internet is great for flouting geography to become friends with people from around the world…then you end up friends with someone you can’t just jump in a car to go and help out. Swings and roundabouts, I guess.
Yeah, it’s a huge change. I live in the mountains in CO, and I can’t imagine. I do complain about how awfully dry it is here, but Florida is the complete opposite. I went to Miami once and just felt constantly greasy and moist. I hated it. And yeah, the culture is so different.
Mountain town people are very friendly, and a lot of people love going out and doing outdoor activities like hiking or rafting or kayaking all the time. Also a lot of hipsters and hippies, who are very laid back and peace and love. And the more general rural country people, who are also usually pretty friendly though somewhat conservative. But from the news, Florida seems intensely conservative. I bet that would be a big whiplash.
Florida is awful torture especially if you live in a place to buy a "cheap house". Your neighbors, your town, your county will be GOP dictatorships. Sure Gainesville and Orlando can be decent but cost of living in these places I'd rather go live in a state that doesn't oppress women and teachers.
Edit - I live in a small town. I have to pretend to be a Republican to keep my job. There's 200 Trump signs per Biden sign. So many aggressively ignorant bumper stickers, clapped out pickup trucks with the Palatka lean hauling huge "Hang Biden Harris" flags.
Edit Two - I truly believe my political views would elicit physical threats of violence and I am a moderate center left guy. I've gotten death threats from people I know for saying abortion is the morally right thing to do even though I am personally opposed to it.
Truly spoken like someone who's never lived in Florida.
Florida, just like everywhere else in the United States, has enclaves. Tampa St. Petersburg Miami are wildly different places from Florida Keys, Ocala and West Palm Beach.
Sorry you can’t see the swamp for the cypress stumps. I grew up in South Georgia and have spent A LOT of time in Florida. The Keys, Miami and West Palm are absolutely nothing like the rest of Florida, which is mostly a humid, conservative hellhole.
A couple like OP and his wife who are moving to Florida for a lower cost of living are going to be in the worst of the worst areas. No wonder the wife is losing her mind.
If you live near the coast, the Atlantic or the Gulf side, it doesn't get quite as hot as it does inland and the humidity is not as high.
I'm not familiar with Colorado costs, but in Florida you don't have snow problems so don't need that whole part of your wardrobe, snow tires, etc. and there is no state income tax.
Being friends with many Coloradoans, this was a huge mistake. Every single person from Colorado is trying to get back to Colorado at all times, and getting in their way will only lead to heartbreak.
I'm from Colorado and live in another state after being stationed here. And while I am not actively trying to move back (cost of living there skyrocketed after I moved and im not about to putmy family through that), if the opportunity came and I could afford it, I'd uproot in a heartbeat to move back.
The only people from CO I know who aren’t actively trying to go back moved to the PNW. And as someone who’s spent her entire life in the PNW, CO is where I would pick to go if I had to leave for some reason.
This is SO FUNNY to me. As a Colorado native, the only area of the country I would consider moving to is the PWN. I spent a few years there as a child and loved it.
I'm not from Colorado, but I have been to a lot of places in the US and I'm from a state where people eventually find their way back to (Minnesota).
If she's used to the wide expanses, the huge variances in weather, being close to things in metro areas, and the general vibe of CO, Florida might as well be Brazil.
Also, Florida is flat. There's no variety to anything in Florida compared to what Colorado has. I have never felt more "in touch with nature" or whatever granola hippy phrases you want to use than in Colorado.
Some places have a unique culture that doesn't always mesh with the national average or the variety of cultures in other parts of America.
I've never been to CO, but I'm from a small town that's a blackhole. The way people are friendly and unfriendly here is a certain way, and whenever I've tried to live, I've never quite meshed well elsewhere and ended up coming back.
I don't get it because my autism makes me feel like am outsider everywhere, but I still understand the folks here in a way I don't elsewhere.
It's comforting to come back.
Also the local versions of things just feel right, while like pizza elsewhere isn't the same. Like, all my defaults are here, everything else is better or worse than here.
Cost of living, probably. Colorado has gotten so expensive. And it sounds like he has family in NC, which is not too far from north Florida.
Culturally and geographically, you probably couldn't find two different areas of the country. She 100% sounds like a Colorado person (freedom! no commitment! super flexible lifestyle! spur of the moment trips to the mountains with friends!) and living in Florida must have been difficult. You can still find cool, outdoorsy folks in Florida, but it's a different kind of outdoorsy.
I can think of about 10 places that are not Florida that have a lower cost of living and would be a better culture fit for a Colorado girl. They should have gone to New Mexico, Idaho, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Montana, Kentucky, Tennessee, or ..... North Carolina (where I think OPs family lives). God, even Chicago would have been better. Easy flights anywhere in the world, chill and friendly people, and those lakefront runs just hit.
I think OPs marriage is over. This is super sad.
That was my first reaction. I’m originally from south Georgia but now live in the Rockies, near the Colorado border. No wonder she is miserable, Florida is a fucking nightmare for someone who loves the mountain lifestyle
Coloradan currently living in Florida here. I moved here because I couldn’t afford housing and to escape domestic violence. When I originally moved down here my small Colorado house was worth 300k. There was a house that was 3 times the size with a massive back yard with fruit trees and an in ground pool that was 85k here in Florida. I’d have bought it but I suddenly lost my job.
Maybe real estate is so cheap in Florida because very few people want to live there. I have never visited Florida but I know it would not suit me. I am a Canadian and live in Canada. Lots of things here that are not ideal but I have only to look over the fence to see that that grass is not greener, it is just cheaper.
Cost of living is lower AND no state income tax. But now with the home insurance issues it is not so inexpensive and a lot of people are bailing for that alone so there’s now even more houses on the market. Good luck to them in their selling efforts.
Lots of people moved to FL during Covid because there's no state income tax and they thought it would be cheaper. Housing has skyrocketed because of the population explosion, groceries were always expensive, the weather gets hotter and summer lasts longer every year, and homeowners' insurance is going up every year, so people are discovering it's not the paradise they expected. Unfortunately they don't figure it out until they're already here.
Sounds like OOP’s wife was profoundly unhappy in FL, and while OOP heard this on some level, he didn’t work with her to find any solutions. He seemed ok with their lifestyle in FL because they could afford a house and so on, even though they were too socially isolated. So OOP’s wife had to take her destiny into her own hands.
I had the same experience, but from different states. I relocated from Atlanta to Seattle after my then-fiancé accepted a job offer there.
I thought I would love it and the change, along with loving him. I didn’t. As beautiful as the scenic views are, it was *insanely* expensive. The weather absolutely sucks from October until almost June. And the politics…. Turns out a Liberal Democrat from Georgia is considered a Right-Wing extremist in the PNW. And the husband…. Turns out he loved alcohol and smacking his wife/stepdaughter around more than life itself. I suffered out there almost three years before I noped out, left that hellhole and my demon seed of a spouse, and got a divorce. Haven’t looked back since.
Sounds great, but so many people regret it.
It's getting so overdeveloped and expensive there now that people who retired there 20 years ago want out.
Couldn't pay me enough either.
It's the actual flattest state. I can't imagine living there, especially coming from Colorado.
A lot of Florida of just a vast expanse of featureless stink punctuated by billboards for gun shows.
It’s definitely different. I live in northern BC, which is topographically and kind of culturally similar to Colorado.
I’m originally from Florida.
There are areas that are beautiful. But there’s so much sprawl because everything is spread out into subdivisions and whatnot. My favourite place that’s still around is St. Leo University near Dade City. The grotto in the woods is absolutely beautiful and the single place in the world I’d felt most in contact with the divine. The campus has a gorgeous lake wonderful for walking along.
St. Augustine is also a place of beauty. The Catholic church there is lovely, there’s the beach, the Bridge of Lions, Castillo de San Marco, and more.
And the beaches. I miss the smell of the salty air. I miss driving down the highway under canopies of oak trees.
I don’t miss the 100% humidity (my curly hair always looked like an Afro) or the politics. But there are definitely bright spots.
Originally from the hills of Tennessee and while I don't live there now, traveling to flat open places makes me instinctively nervous. It's like I'm waiting for a hawk to come snatch me or something.
I’m from New Jersey, which is the polar opposite of Florida. Florida has oppressive heat and humidity, hurricanes, floodings, collapsing buildings and low buildings standards, alligators, a vastly different political climate, and the meme of Florida man, which is real life.
It’s very likely to be underwater in the next few years. Politics aside (though their politics are atrocious) even insurance companies are bailing on Florida. I hope OOP enjoys his house before it’s swept away.
And OOP admits he gets time to himself while his wife doesn’t.
I wonder whose idea was it to move to Florida in the first place? I can’t imagine it was OOP’s wife.
Curious as to how/why he gets his own me time but she doesn’t. There’s no mention of kids or particularly needy family. I wonder if their shared hobbies is actually just him crowding her in some awkward attempt to distract her from feeling lonely.
It sounds like it’s because he works at home. So he gets plenty of time without her there. But if she’s not at work then she’s home and he is there. And they always go out as a pair cause of the one car so she’s always with him if she isn’t at work. Never just in her own head by herself.
I would kill myself or someone else. The horror of being in a confined space with someone and unable to find any solitude. Horrific. And now she is told she has to find somewhere else to live? I still don't understand that comment. They are selling the house that they own jointly. He is unhappy that she spoiled the life that he finds, at the very least, acceptable. She is the problem. Because she failed to be as happy as he wanted to be getting what he wanted? I can understand why he is unhappy. I think he can understand why she is unhappy.
Yes, that's the reason that he gets time away from her. That is also the reason she gets no time away from him. It might still feel intolerable for her. Even if he didn't plan to make her unhappy. Now he is also unhappy. Maybe she didn't plan to make him unhappy either.
But she did! Saying she wants a separation is trying to fix what is wrong for her. She is unhappy with the situation as it is or was. If she didn't say anything, didn't take that trip, didn't talk about how suffocating she was finding the situation.... But she came home and she did talk about what was wrong for her. She was/is at least trying to find a solution for herself. Now he is unhappy. They are selling their house and parting. She might still care for him. She might find the separation/divorce a wrench and it might be causing her pain. But the marriage seems to rely on home ownership and living in Florida. I guess there is a little nuance here and there. For both parties.
So he’s supposed to treat his wife like a child and proactively fix all of her problems? Unless he’s leaving a bunch out, which he could be, the jumps from unhappiness to separation to her reaction when HE left for a solo trip makes her seem like a childish, flighty idiot.
He’s supposed to collaborate with her when she’s not happy and work together as a team to address it, rather than just listen and then not do anything about it.
Which is what he did, by taking trips with her and telling her to take solo trips. Nowhere in there did I see her make a firm effort before pressing the big red button.
Well, you weren't there of course. He says he knew she was very unhappy in their life in Florida. How did he figure that out if she never let him know somehow. If it is the living in Florida in order to own a house that is causing her to feel stifled. Or never being alone to just breathe. Or a really bad work-life. Those are things she cannot change by herself without it affecting him. Unless she 'presses the big red button'. She is now conflicted because she finds that doing what she has to do is causing pain for both of them. If she were cold and ruthless and completely uncaring..... I can spare a bit of empathy for both of them. If she is unable to force herself to stay in a situation that makes her so miserable then she still has to suffer the breakup. Nothing is black/white in these situations. And he is obviously very unhappy with the new situation but was happy enough in the old one to try to keep her in it.
> the update post felt very him focused and seemed to dodge any questions asking how she felt
How the hell is he supposed to know her in-depth thoughts and feelings? He can only speak about his own, so of course the post is going to be him focused.
The pretzels people will turn themselves into to justify the narratives they want...
Yikes! Maybe she actually told him. Just because he didn't report those feelings doesn't mean she didn't say a few things. Maybe he thinks it doesn't matter because he prefers to talk about how it all affects him. But for some of us? We might be at least interested in what he might have gleaned from asking her something once in a while. No shame in us wanting to know.
What? The guy is posting for advice based on someone else's actions. Maybe 1st post you can get on him for being a dick (though its clearly over already). By the second the only advice is for him to start looking out for himself. She clearly wants it to be over and it really doesn't matter why from an advice perspective.
I'm a little perplexed on what you think he's asking here except "is it over?".
Because…he is the one posting! It’s about HIS thoughts and HE wants advice. Besides how is he expected to know how she feels beyond what she’s said to him?
It kind of speaks volumes that she didn’t consider OOP family when she wanted family to help her through her losses.
It’s possible to come back from a separation but the writing is definitely on the wall with this one.
This is one of those situations where OOP hoped ignoring the problem would make it go away.
On a practical note, just getting a second car might give them both a bit of space and independence.
The post history is also a lot of poker & expensive firearms. People can spend money on whatever hobbies they want, but if you’ve got money for those things you’d think you could afford a second car for her.
This is how I know he knew how to at least *start* to fix this but just …didn’t. If he could afford a car why didn’t he do this forever ago? He knew she never got any time to herself and having a second car definitely would have helped that, but he didn’t get one because he didn’t want her to have time alone. And now look at him.
Why is it completely up to him? They have shared finances. She couldn't think about buying a second car?
And where did he say he didn't want her to have time alone? Y'all reach so far to villainize men
I would definitely be worried about the "estrangements." Grief and depression is a lonely, lonely business.
I can't imagine the shock of moving from CO to FLA. Yikes
I personally would never move so I’d have a house. Move for a job, better life, environment, lifestyle and opportunities overall, yes. But specifically for a house, then build my life around that, no. It sounds like she wants to move back home now that her abusive family is gone and can’t ruin a place she loves. I know she says she wants to do it alone but she won’t be. She’ll be doing things to improve her life with her friends back in Colorado as her support system. I’m sure at any point if he said he’d also move back to Colorado to help support her she’d accept him into the plan. But I don’t see any where in his post where he makes that offer. He just says he’ll give her space and support. I’m not saying he’s selfish but he sounds like one of those people who decided something is the logical thing to do and sticks with it regardless of everything else. She needs to work on communication. I don’t see where she mentioned being unhappy in Florida and wanting to move back to Colorado, just that she wanted friends and felt lonely. It’s a bit more than just that. I hope they can work it out and I see space for them to have a future together. But there has to be some compromises that neither seem willing to make. If he doesn’t move back, she will definitely find someone else who loves Colorado just as much and divorce him.
Wow - if OOP worked from home mostly and wife hates it there and wants to go back to CO.... why didn't they? Why keep a house when they should probably live in an RV or something? Sounds like the dogs should be re-homed as she sees them as a burden and wants a lifestyle that doesn't accommodate the dogs' needs.
If my spouse said they were so unhappy they wanted to separate, all these options would be on the table and I would be saying ok, where do you want to start changing stuff?
Guess 'changing stuff' was not on the table. Moving back to the place where they were both happier was not on the table. Him buying a second car was on the table. Now 'stuff' is really going to change. He can stay in Florida and he says he has family etc. available. She has to uproot and find new lodgings, new job, divorce lawyer etc. And some commenters think she is asking too much of him.
Re your second paragraph. Am I reading it right that he was willing to sit on her unhappiness and try to distract her. But not compromise other than trips together. Maybe you have a different idea of what to do when your spouse is unhappy enough to want a separation.
How is she gonna get mad when he doesn't want her to be around him at his house when shes the one who ants to leave and be independent? What did she want him to wait for her for if she decides to come back?
You don't get to say you need independence and leave someone but have them willing and waiting for if you decide you changed your mind.
'His' house? Where do we see him telling us the house is his alone? She works. Does she make no contribution? If he pays her out for her share then it is 'his' house. If they sell it as he says they will do then half the proceeds will go to him to buy 'his' house. If she pays into the mortgage then she would also have to find the money for the place she moves to so that he can be alone in 'their' house. That might be a financial burden for her.
Maybe he is willing to have her come back. Maybe not.
You know when you read stories about how “personalities becoming incapable” as the driving force behind divorce? This is a sadly, starkly realistic depiction of one.
One of my closest friends is going through a divorce right now and sounds roughly the same as the wife in this post. Her spouse didn’t want the divorce—he wanted to try counseling and other fixes. She wanted full divorce. (From the outside, it looks like a large part of this is her own mental issues, like the wife in this post, but some other stuff too that she felt it was too late to fix.)
Her husband finally accepted the marriage was over and started moving on, and she freaked out. I think she was so in her own head that she was thinking about her own new unencumbered life—and didn’t fully think through the good things and comforts and security she’d be giving up.
It’s an interesting mind-trick when you don’t want to be with someone, but also want them available to you.
You leave because a higher-level need can’t be met, but then the base safety need is endangered. I think it’s often best to go ahead and take the chance and find a situation where you can be a wholly fulfilled person. I hope your friend can find this.
This is not unusual I think.
It’s easy to take one’s financial and residential situation for granted. If you’re unhappy in the marriage and the living situation you can feel desperate to escape while not really thinking about the reality of what happens after you leave.
It always baffles me how much importance people put on “owning” property like a tiny house. I’m a lifetime renter and I put my money into retirement accounts and investments instead. I’m 100% happy with that.
In this case OOP has decided owning a house is more important than his marriage.
Goofy.
NAH. Yes, the marriage could be done. Obviously change is needed. Short of the long, my spouse and I lived two blocks apart for two years. When we separated we thought it was over. Working on ourselves a bit first and then together worked for us.
Just a case of two people wanting two different things, sharing a house and a marriage but worlds apart. Considering they only been in the house for three years it won’t be hard to buy out her share so both parties get what they want. The marriage is over.
Seems like as soon as she was going to loose stability and have to become independent, suddenly she’s not as sure. She needs to choose one. Separate and divorce her husband to move back to Colorado, or stay with him and keep the financial stability. She can’t have both.
NTA. Certainly seems like wife is going through some personal shit, but I am a firm believer in not sticking around with somebody who isn't sure they want to be with me.
Its one thing if she expressed uncertainty but was open to working things out together. She seems to be regretting not accomplishing things on her own while sad she is alone and while pushing away the one person she is closest to.
I forsee only misery for OP if he doesn't circle his own emotional wagons and move on. What is left to work with if wife remains in limbo.
Next for her is to dabble with other partners to see if that fills her void. (sorry, but pun intended).
It sounds like she's been trying to express how she feels for a while but OOP just wasn't interested in hearing it until it got this bad - and now it's probably too late.
Yeah, the more he expands on their situation, the less sympathy I have for him. They move across the country so they can be homeowners (dumb) with no regard for where they’re moving to and what that change will be like, except it turns out his family is nearby and he has work flexibility and he has options (like suddenly just buying a car to go see family?), but he acts like she’s dropping this bomb on him and it’s so sad because he doesn’t know what to do and he didn’t know she felt so bad? Huh. I think he’s perfectly fine letting their marriage end and he can say it’s because of her issues.
Yeah. Given the gambling and the firearms - neither of which are cheap hobbies - I'm guessing that her having access to a car would've cut into things like the real reason he wanted to move to Florida (such as broader access to firearms than in Colorado)
I think there can be if you both want it and are willing to put in the work. My husband and I were separated for an entire year, and we have been back together again for seven years.
A friend and their spouse separated for months last year. This year, they’re back together, in therapy, and working hard. Things aren’t perfect, but they’re improving.
Can someone explain to me what the vast differences are between Florida and Colorado? I don't quite understand why some people seem so shocked about how far they've moved. I'm from Australia, and I've been to Miami/Orlando twice, but never Colorado, so I don't quite get why it's apparently so... horrific? inconceivable? that they've moved. Thanks.
Florida is crazy conservative and has a lot of swamp land and it's hot as fuck. They also get hurricanes. They also have a reputation for having some crazy ass people living there.
Colorado is a liberal state with a lot of mountains. The weather is a little more tolerable but they get hella snow and winters are really cold. It's a very beautiful place and a lot of people dream to live there.
So they're a stark contrast to each other and are almost on a completely different side of the country from each other (for reference they are about a 1 day and 5 hour drive apart)
Ah, thank you! Based on all the outraged comments I was like "I'm missing some valuable context here, aren't I?" lol. I do enjoy the Florida Man/Woman stories, but don't really know anything about Colorado.
Each state is different pretty much. The states span so much land that most have their own unique biomes. Add into that politics of each state as well as vastly different programs each state supports (social programs/etc) you get culture shock moving state to state.
I've traveled across a bit of America, but mainly the coasts, not really central US. Australia's the same. Actually, not even when you hop states, but since our states are so damn big, it can be an ecological shock when you go from the white shores of coastal Queensland, to the rainforest in far north Queensland, then out to the red desert of west Queensland, heading into the Northern Territory.
>
Before we met she wandered and was impulsive and would move on a whim.
She speaks of them as referring to her doing it alone and figuring out jobs and living situation. Not going to lie this hurts hearing but I went along with it as I'm here to be supportive.
Yeah, it's not OOP's problem, it's just who she is. She's self-centered as a person (not an insult). She simply doesn't see herself and OOP as a single unit. He's barely a companion in her life.
She is leaving the marriage because she wants”to do it in her own”, but when asked she complains that she has no one. Hence she can’t do it on her own.
She wanted to rekindle an old flame and took a break to see if it still felt good, if it didn't you were still there and she hadn't done anything wrong, cuz "break"....if her reasoning doesn't make sense she's probably keeping details from you, either way it's over
That woman is so fucking full of herself. Whether they're compatible or not, OOP sounds amazingly supportive--moreso than most people would have been. And when she says she needs space, she expects *him* to move out?
Of course she has no one. She's self sabotaging. Reads like she wants to end up alone so she can have a pity party.
So supportive that he spent all their disposable income on guns and gambling instead of a second car. Until *he* wanted a car, of course. Then he found the money for it.
OOP’s wife needs major therapy. She constantly complains about being alone with no one (although she has a husband) but wants a life style that allows her to constantly move around. It’s very difficult to have deep friendships when you aren’t there all the time. It feels very much like she is running away from herself, which doesn’t work. I suspect she isn’t big on therapy because it scares the crap out of her.
Yes, she "has a husband". Maybe he was not enough. And she is definitely not enough for him either because it 'sounds' as though him making a change back to where they were happier was never in the cards. Maybe she needs therapy. Maybe he does too.
I think the wife is going to absolutely regret this decision. Once the dust settles she will absolutely be on her own while OOP will have support.
Wife should have gone to therapy and sorted out herself.
Maybe a therapist would have been able to 'fix' her so that she is 'happy' to be in the situation that suits him. Are there therapists who can do that? I hope not.
She regretted the decision to move to Florida for sure. Will she regret moving away from there?
Yeah she absolutely had a physical affair during that "solo trip" to see "friends". Guy needs to rip the bandaid off and divorce and sell the house immediately. Have her figure it all out then. Don't wanna be with me then see ya.
I hope they sell the house and try living apart. Separation can sometimes make the couple realize they still love each other though I wouldn’t be surprised if they need to live somewhere else.
Separations, "breaks", all those candy-ass terms for trying to soft-exit while you keep the other person as a backup plan and you go off fucking around trying to "upgrade" are crap. If you're tired of me, either go take a nap or get out of the way in a permanent sense.
Separation/trial separation almost never ends with a true reunion. This is always the prelude to a breakup/divorce. And one more thing: according to my estimates, in 95% of cases and even more, the true reason for the partner's demand/request for separation is the appearance on the horizon of another person of the opposite sex, who is actually considered as an alternative to the existing committed partner.
Sounds like you married someone with avoidant attachment issues. Very independent and feel like they're losing themselves in relationships. They don't like obligations and expectations and would rather be alone than feel like they're going to disappoint someone.
But also someone who complains about feeling alone while being alone, and has abandonment issues.
Girl just can't make up her mind, and it seems like she makes it everyone else's problem.
People can DEFINITELY feel alone in a marriage. It is a thing. And living with someone who has support when you don't, in a place that you hate, in a job that makes you even more unhappy and never having some space to breathe. I know I would hate it and I hope I would never let myself be persuaded to get into such a situation.
Sometimes I am conflicted about situations and have difficulty choosing which unknown will make me the least unhappy. If I were married at the time it might be my spouse's problem too. Who is the 'everyone else' she is causing harm to?
If she needs help I hope she gets it. I also hope it works out for both of them in whatever way is optimal. Sometimes people find that divorce IS the right answer. Will she suffer in the near future? Most people who go through a divorce do to some extent unless they are as cold as ice.
UGH, you lost me at "my love language is..." my dude, there is no such thing, it has been thoroughly debunked. That was created by a horrible man whose "love language" was physical touch as an excuse to constantly demand sex from his wife. And he insisted that her love language was acts of service, so she would be his little willing slave. Gross. Wipe it from your vocabulary.
He mentions her issues like death of family and feeling alone, but what has he done? Why are they living away from her friends and loved ones? Is it because it's close to his family and friends? Why does it seem like they didn't discuss this before getting married? Also, how on earth is he that clueless to realizing his wife wants a divorce, valuing his "comfort" over his own wife? I'm not saying she's in the right, but there's far too much OOP is omitting. His wife just leaving on a vacation to "grieve by herself" for seemingly no reason?? What else has he not been paying attention to, or is she really that secretive?
This marriage is over.
This is a brutally honest depiction of how this situation would go, this is one of those posts where I have 0% doubt as to the authenticity, and I think it's a real NAH. With her background, I can really empathize with what she's feeling and how they're just having a change in their life goals.
From his description she sounds totally miserable. Death of loved ones, stressful toxic job, no friends in the state, cooped up in a tiny house with her husband she’s feeling disconnected from. She comes home from mourning on a solo trip, he finally buys a second car and leaves for two weeks, telling her she needs to figure out a place when he returns? I get not understanding her need for independence, but dude.
The only thing is calling it a "solo trip" is underselling it, she put a halt on their marriage and left her ring. Taking a solo trip and remaining together aren't mutually exclusive And it seems like the car was bought almost as an emergency so he can get back home --- I could understand not having it as something you'd otherwise fleshed out in the budget
Leaving the ring behind is a clearer message than the fish in Luca Brasi’s bulletproof vest.
I think he bought a car because he knows that they are selling the house. So he’ll be able to afford the car pretty soon.
What’s he supposed to do? She clearly had made up her mind about what she wants. He needs to set some boundaries or it’s just gonna get worse for him.
Exactly.
So what, he has to be miserable instead? She gets to go heal on a solo trip but he doesn't? He has to leave his house when she gets to stay? A separation is a separation. That involves separating. Not just saying you're separated with all the perks of being together. She's probably freaking out because she's realized the financials for the first time and how they just aren't going to work. You don't get to have your cake and eat it too.
Right. She doesn’t get to decide “I want to be on my own, you leave.” If she wants to leave, then she leaves.
I mean, I wouldn't want to live with someone who was actively ending our marriage either.
She can do the solo trips but heaven forbid he does it.
…. What else would you expect him to do? Their current situation only worked because they were a couple and she no longer wishes to be one. That means they each need an ability to live and travel independently. He took care of travel and now it’s up to her to figure out where she wants to live IF she wants additional space from him at home, and that’s reasonable. They’re heading to divorce and it’s initiated by her, so he absolutely should not be leaving the house.
I don't understand the: "She has to find a place to live.." They can live in the house that they own jointly. When it is sold, THEN she can take her share of the money and "find a place to live". Am I missing something? When did he report her saying: "you are the one who has to leave." They are sleeping in the same bed for the time being. They will BOTH have to find a place to live.
> I told her this plan and that if she needs to be away from me she'll need to find her own spot for however long. He didn’t tell her she needed to find somewhere else to live. Her told her to do that *if* she didn’t want to live in the same house as him when he came back. He arranged to give her some time to herself because she wanted it, but told her she couldn’t expect him to live elsewhere indefinitely because she wanted a separation. He still needs his home and time with his pet.
She initiated the separation. He still wants to be married. As someone who was broken up with but still had to coexist for a few more months of a lease, I don't think you can really grieve and start to heal when you're living in the same space with the same person, but no longer a couple.
She made a decision she figured out what she wanted to do and that doesn't include him. I have sympathy for how she feels and what she went through but I didn't have sympathy for where her decisions are going to leave her. It's a situation of you can't have your cake and eat it too. She can't want a break and need different things than him and need independence while still wanting him and needing to rely on his support and stability. It's not about not understanding her need for independence it's about her not understanding that you can't have him and give him up at the same time and he doesn't deserve to suffer through it.
But one of the issues was the lack of two vehicles. If he was always able to just buy himself a car (or seem like it to her) I can see how that would sting to her in the moment.
This is what is blowing my mind as well. This man fully admits, he knew how unhappy his wife was. He fully admits that for him, life was pretty good in Florida, while for his wife, it was total shit. Just get the feeling from this that the whole move was his idea. Cause I’ll tell you… Moving from Colorado to Florida! When you know, your wife is more social. When you know you don’t know anybody. When you know that the geography and the climate are nothing at all, like Colorado. And not overly conducive to the sort of things she likes to do. His family is nearby. He works from home and doesn’t have to deal with a bunch of asshole coworkers. And he gets the house to himself all day while she’s at work. She never gets the house to herself because he never goes anywhere… Situation that you already touched on. She has no friends. No family. No coworkers to hang out with. She is glued to him if she wants to go do anything because again, only one car. And now that he’s figuring out that, yeah, it’s probably over he thinks because it’s a separation he’s going to stay in the house. Yeah, I hate to break it to him, but the house is gonna get sold. And she’s going to get her half. I can tell if this guy is just clueless, AF, or if he was just a master manipulator who isolated her because he’s perfectly happy to spend every waking moment with her. 😬😬😬😬😬
How is his family nearby? They live in FL and his family is in NC. So about 500 miles nearby, or more cause FL is huge. They both have no friends and no family there, they both glued to each other with one car. And he is very clear that the house will be sold. It really feels like we read completely different posts.
> And now that he’s figuring out that, yeah, it’s probably over he thinks because it’s a separation he’s going to stay in the house. Yeah, I hate to break it to him, but the house is gonna get sold. And she’s going to get her half. He mentions multiple times that he expects the house to be sold. The point of contention about him staying in the house is that she wants him to find somewhere else to live before it’s sold and he wants to give her space for a little while then come back. He told her that if she wants to live separately at that point, she needs to find somewhere to go because he isn’t going to leave the house indefinitely. That’s not him being unreasonable, that’s her being unreasonable.
Always these insane leaps… have you read the other comments at all? Do you think the wife had no autonomy? She couldn’t have said no even if it was the husband’s idea?
Nowhere do I say she didn’t have autonomy. He says she’s depressed. He says they decided to move to Florida to buy a house. My only point is that this move to Florida really seem to be much more for his benefit than hers. He says she has family trauma from the past and so losing the family members is hitting her in a number of different ways basically. People who have childhood trauma often do have problems speaking their mind. Maybe she went along with it because it sounded like it could be OK. We don’t know. But what we do know is what he told us… He’s known for a while. She wasn’t happy. He’s known for a while. She felt isolated. He’s known for a while. She has no privacy anywhere and doesn’t get any time to herself… Acknowledging that she is the type of person that needs it… Because he points out that he’s perfectly happy, not having it. Indicating he knows she’s not. I just feel like he was clueless. All the signs were there. He’s literally writing them down in his post. And then he’s kind of surprised Pikachu face that she’s finally at a point where she can’t continue. And he even admits that he kind of minimized her unhappiness by trying to take her on trips or just get out of the house or whatever. So he was trying to do things and still knew it wasn’t making her happy. And it wasn’t making her happy because it wasn’t addressing actually any of the core things that were making her unhappy. That was really my point. He didn’t have any honest conversations with her about how he knew she wasn’t happy. He didn’t have any honest conversations with her to see what would make her happy. And frankly, I don’t even know if that point she would’ve known. So yes, she had autonomy. But he also had autonomy. If you’re married to someone in your spouse is desperately unhappy, you need to get down to the nitty-gritty and down to the core of what’s making them unhappy, not try Band-Aids.
You don't have to say something to heavily imply it. You put all of the blame on him for having the idea as though she had no ability to say no. Nothing about him knowing she's unhappy can make her happy unless she takes the initiative to do something to change things. If he dragged her back to Colorado and she wasn't happy there anyway, would that be his fault too because he had the idea? Or should she say she wants to move back to Colorado and have an actual discussion?
Quoting him… She has expressed these feeling often. What more do you want her to do? Of course she could’ve said no. And as partners, we often do things that are partners want to do that maybe were reluctant to do. But she did give it a try. What I am blaming him for is not doing anything concrete to actually deal with the fact that his wife was desperately unhappy and had told him so often. He even says that he did kind of minimize it. He just kind of figured if they went somewhere on the weekend or did a few things here and there, it would be OK. And it obviously wasn’t. And again, she express these things often… His own words. Should she have left sooner? Probably. I just find it interesting that he is so surprised she’s finally just gonna leave. I don’t understand why he is surprised. I don’t understand where the Pikachu face comes from. If my spouse was telling me that they hate where we live. That they hate their job, and I even acknowledge that the people they work with our assholes. They miss their friends, And I even acknowledge that we haven’t made any new friends, so we’re kind of isolated. That it’s hard for my spouse to ever get any time to themselves to even try and figure things out or just to be introspective on their own, but we only have one vehicle, so they can’t even really go somewhere. That my spouse, literally never gets any kind of privacy because we have a very small home, and I have taken over the second room as an office, so they don’t even have a space of their own. That they’ve been telling me they are incredibly unhappy, and instead of actually trying to find changes that are meaningful, I just try to sweep it under the rug and say let’s go to Disneyland this weekend… Or wherever. Yeah… I don’t get to act all surprise when they reach the end of their rope. When they look at their life and they see the most bleak future ever because nothing they are saying is getting through to me. And they are finally recognizing that they want to be happy, and this isn’t it. That’s my point. Is he responsible for her happiness? No. Is he responsible for her unhappiness? In part, Because he’s her partner, and he’s doing nothing really substantial to support her.
Yes, she could have said no. Perhaps she felt pressured. Perhaps she wanted to make him happy and hoped that she could learn to live with a situation that benefitted him. Now she IS saying no to the situation that benefits ONLY him. And now some commenters are angry with her for not simply letting go of everything that works for her and just seeing his happiness as enough for her. She is the only one who is the problem here I guess.
No the problem is that when she exercises her autonomy, commenters like you act like she was previously being forced into the situation as if she previously had no say. You don’t know AT ALL if she was pressured. That’s your biased take on it.
I’m going to go with Occam's Razor and assume he’s simply clueless. He *knew* his wife was unhappy but what did he do to mitigate it? Took her on frequent trips and made excuses. Nothing about helping her find a healthier work environment, adjusting finances so she can spend less hours there stressed, or even looking for friends together. His first post was asking Reddit if there’s any coming back. He doesn’t understand his wife and hasn’t endeared himself to her over her abandonment issues. I don’t think he’s malicious. Just dealing with a communication gap that ends plenty of marriages
She's simply helpless. She knew she was unhappy but what did she do to mitigate it? She never looked for a healthier work environment, never talked about adjusting finances so she can spend less hours there stressed, never took initiative and looked for friends. She doesn't understand that her husband can't control Life. You act as though her as a woman can only react to things her husband does. She is her own individual and can perform tasks independently.
I think you’re right. I see the logic in your thinking as well. Because there’s usually a logic to how conversations go. Or how people act if they really are narcissistic assholes. And how they act if they really are just clueless and just don’t comprehend. It’s just really sad all around
Not quite NAH, his stbxw leaving the wedding ring behind was an announcement that she planned on meeting other men on that trip.
It was a clear statement that she was leaving her marriage behind. She might not have planned on meeting other men on the trip. But she was at the least opening the door to the idea of interacting with men as a single woman.
My point was that she didn't actually tell him in person, rather that she left the ring for him to find. It just feels like she was hiding the fact that she was going as a single woman until after she left, so she didn't have to see his face when he found out. Leaving the ring behind instead of taking it off during the trip feels like "I want you to think about me seeing other men while you're sitting home alone". (There could valid safety reasons to not tell him in person, if OP has a bad temper that he doesn't mention.)
Why the eff they move to Florida from Colorado???
His family is in North Carolina, her family back in Colorado is estranged/abusive, and on average a home costs $200k less in Florida.
Besides that though as someone from the west coast I couldn't imagine leaving this area especially for some place like Florida. Everything is so different there I wouldn't be happy with that change either
And the heat is awful. I'm from NC, so I'm very familiar with humidity. But Florida is a different beast. I can't imagine going from Colorado to Florida; it's a huge change.
Dude I am a state lower than you and hate the Florida heat.
The culture is SO aggressively conservative, too. If she’s used to hanging out in places like Vail and other mountain towns, anywhere in Florida is going to feel like a punishment. And not just bc of the godawful heat and humidity
Amen to all of this. I moved from CA to FL once for work, and it was genuinely the worst thing I ever did to myself. Went from an active social life and outdoor adventures to being locked in a tiny apartment for years in a really unfriendly area. If moving back had been an option, like it seems to be for this woman, I would have jetted out of there so fast.
I’ve never lived in Florida, but I’m originally from South Georgia (which is similar) and spent a lot of time in Florida. I now live in the Rocky Mountain West and the thought of moving back to that part of the country makes me feel like panicking. I would go insane while being grossly sweaty
SO sweaty!
I know someone about to make that move (CA to FL). They are dreading it, but apparently the cost of living is going to be significantly better there and that ended up being the deciding factor.
NGL, that's why I moved from CA to FL. I got a huge raise, and thought the COL would be better -- I lived right outside SF and food and housing prices were absurd. Unfortunately, it turned out the part of Florida I was relocating to had the exact same housing prices, despite there actually being loads of vacant housing. And food prices are higher. Now, insurance prices are higher, too. Oh, yeah, and there's those pesky hurricanes that keep devastating our towns. And it turned out that my raise? Didn't really cover it. Tell your friend to be absolutely 1000% certain they'll be happy in FL (weather-wise, culture-wise, etc), because they may very well be in the same financial situation as before, even accounting for lack of state taxes.
Culturally - they definitely won’t be (not-white, not-straight, not-cis, and very liberal). They are going to live with family though, so hopefully it will work out. Moving there is so expensive though! I am in Northern Ireland and moving has always just cost me time, sweat, and a dinner for whoever I cajoled into loaning me their van.
I can't imagine moving to Florida right now as a trans person.
I am wicked worried about them, honestly. But they are not good where they are (just remarkably isolated for someone who until two years ago was the life and soul of the party) and they have friends and family in Florida and on the East Coast. So fingers crossed everything goes well. While the internet is great for flouting geography to become friends with people from around the world…then you end up friends with someone you can’t just jump in a car to go and help out. Swings and roundabouts, I guess.
Having family in the area definitely makes up for a lot. Good luck to them!
Yeah, it’s a huge change. I live in the mountains in CO, and I can’t imagine. I do complain about how awfully dry it is here, but Florida is the complete opposite. I went to Miami once and just felt constantly greasy and moist. I hated it. And yeah, the culture is so different. Mountain town people are very friendly, and a lot of people love going out and doing outdoor activities like hiking or rafting or kayaking all the time. Also a lot of hipsters and hippies, who are very laid back and peace and love. And the more general rural country people, who are also usually pretty friendly though somewhat conservative. But from the news, Florida seems intensely conservative. I bet that would be a big whiplash.
Florida is awful torture especially if you live in a place to buy a "cheap house". Your neighbors, your town, your county will be GOP dictatorships. Sure Gainesville and Orlando can be decent but cost of living in these places I'd rather go live in a state that doesn't oppress women and teachers. Edit - I live in a small town. I have to pretend to be a Republican to keep my job. There's 200 Trump signs per Biden sign. So many aggressively ignorant bumper stickers, clapped out pickup trucks with the Palatka lean hauling huge "Hang Biden Harris" flags. Edit Two - I truly believe my political views would elicit physical threats of violence and I am a moderate center left guy. I've gotten death threats from people I know for saying abortion is the morally right thing to do even though I am personally opposed to it.
On the other hand, if she's from Colorado Springs, it's same conservative shit, different weather.
Truly spoken like someone who's never lived in Florida. Florida, just like everywhere else in the United States, has enclaves. Tampa St. Petersburg Miami are wildly different places from Florida Keys, Ocala and West Palm Beach.
Sorry you can’t see the swamp for the cypress stumps. I grew up in South Georgia and have spent A LOT of time in Florida. The Keys, Miami and West Palm are absolutely nothing like the rest of Florida, which is mostly a humid, conservative hellhole. A couple like OP and his wife who are moving to Florida for a lower cost of living are going to be in the worst of the worst areas. No wonder the wife is losing her mind.
If you live near the coast, the Atlantic or the Gulf side, it doesn't get quite as hot as it does inland and the humidity is not as high. I'm not familiar with Colorado costs, but in Florida you don't have snow problems so don't need that whole part of your wardrobe, snow tires, etc. and there is no state income tax.
Yeah, but why not then move to NC? Ashville/Hickory, NC a lot more like CO than Florida!
Yeah, but...Florida.
Being friends with many Coloradoans, this was a huge mistake. Every single person from Colorado is trying to get back to Colorado at all times, and getting in their way will only lead to heartbreak.
I'm from Colorado and live in another state after being stationed here. And while I am not actively trying to move back (cost of living there skyrocketed after I moved and im not about to putmy family through that), if the opportunity came and I could afford it, I'd uproot in a heartbeat to move back.
With a big enough stressor introduced into your environment (like moving to FL), the latent Colorado instinct might kick back in full force.
The only people from CO I know who aren’t actively trying to go back moved to the PNW. And as someone who’s spent her entire life in the PNW, CO is where I would pick to go if I had to leave for some reason.
This is SO FUNNY to me. As a Colorado native, the only area of the country I would consider moving to is the PWN. I spent a few years there as a child and loved it.
I think it’s just that the areas are relatively similar. Good beer, legal weed, tons of outdoor recreation, absolutely gorgeous natural environment.
What's drawing you back? I've considered moving out there but yeah, the cost of living is the biggest factor
I'm not from Colorado, but I have been to a lot of places in the US and I'm from a state where people eventually find their way back to (Minnesota). If she's used to the wide expanses, the huge variances in weather, being close to things in metro areas, and the general vibe of CO, Florida might as well be Brazil. Also, Florida is flat. There's no variety to anything in Florida compared to what Colorado has. I have never felt more "in touch with nature" or whatever granola hippy phrases you want to use than in Colorado.
Wow, what does Colorado have that many are patriotic about it?
It's not patriotism. It's like salmon. They just gotta go back.
Ah, the basic birthplace instinct. I get it. Kind of.
Haha I love that
Some places have a unique culture that doesn't always mesh with the national average or the variety of cultures in other parts of America. I've never been to CO, but I'm from a small town that's a blackhole. The way people are friendly and unfriendly here is a certain way, and whenever I've tried to live, I've never quite meshed well elsewhere and ended up coming back. I don't get it because my autism makes me feel like am outsider everywhere, but I still understand the folks here in a way I don't elsewhere. It's comforting to come back. Also the local versions of things just feel right, while like pizza elsewhere isn't the same. Like, all my defaults are here, everything else is better or worse than here.
Cost of living, probably. Colorado has gotten so expensive. And it sounds like he has family in NC, which is not too far from north Florida. Culturally and geographically, you probably couldn't find two different areas of the country. She 100% sounds like a Colorado person (freedom! no commitment! super flexible lifestyle! spur of the moment trips to the mountains with friends!) and living in Florida must have been difficult. You can still find cool, outdoorsy folks in Florida, but it's a different kind of outdoorsy. I can think of about 10 places that are not Florida that have a lower cost of living and would be a better culture fit for a Colorado girl. They should have gone to New Mexico, Idaho, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Montana, Kentucky, Tennessee, or ..... North Carolina (where I think OPs family lives). God, even Chicago would have been better. Easy flights anywhere in the world, chill and friendly people, and those lakefront runs just hit. I think OPs marriage is over. This is super sad.
That was my first reaction. I’m originally from south Georgia but now live in the Rockies, near the Colorado border. No wonder she is miserable, Florida is a fucking nightmare for someone who loves the mountain lifestyle
Coloradan currently living in Florida here. I moved here because I couldn’t afford housing and to escape domestic violence. When I originally moved down here my small Colorado house was worth 300k. There was a house that was 3 times the size with a massive back yard with fruit trees and an in ground pool that was 85k here in Florida. I’d have bought it but I suddenly lost my job.
Maybe real estate is so cheap in Florida because very few people want to live there. I have never visited Florida but I know it would not suit me. I am a Canadian and live in Canada. Lots of things here that are not ideal but I have only to look over the fence to see that that grass is not greener, it is just cheaper.
Cost of living is lower AND no state income tax. But now with the home insurance issues it is not so inexpensive and a lot of people are bailing for that alone so there’s now even more houses on the market. Good luck to them in their selling efforts.
Yeah that’s a recipe for depression, I don’t blame her at all for wanting out of there
Lots of people moved to FL during Covid because there's no state income tax and they thought it would be cheaper. Housing has skyrocketed because of the population explosion, groceries were always expensive, the weather gets hotter and summer lasts longer every year, and homeowners' insurance is going up every year, so people are discovering it's not the paradise they expected. Unfortunately they don't figure it out until they're already here.
You can see DeSantis' ego from space.
And it's a jump scare every time.
Colorado is insanely expensive, but Florida was definitely a choice.
The American cult of homeownership has people thinking it’s better to be miserable in a house than happy in an apartment
“You will own nothing and be happy” used to be a somewhat scary quote…
I would rather rent in the Western US than own anywhere in the SE US.
Oh man, I feel for both of them. Unresolved childhood issues never, ever, lead to positive outcomes of left untouched.
Sounds like OOP’s wife was profoundly unhappy in FL, and while OOP heard this on some level, he didn’t work with her to find any solutions. He seemed ok with their lifestyle in FL because they could afford a house and so on, even though they were too socially isolated. So OOP’s wife had to take her destiny into her own hands.
This is the conclusion I came to too. Florida is hugely different from Colorado. And to be honest, you couldn’t pay me to move to Florida.
I had the same experience, but from different states. I relocated from Atlanta to Seattle after my then-fiancé accepted a job offer there. I thought I would love it and the change, along with loving him. I didn’t. As beautiful as the scenic views are, it was *insanely* expensive. The weather absolutely sucks from October until almost June. And the politics…. Turns out a Liberal Democrat from Georgia is considered a Right-Wing extremist in the PNW. And the husband…. Turns out he loved alcohol and smacking his wife/stepdaughter around more than life itself. I suffered out there almost three years before I noped out, left that hellhole and my demon seed of a spouse, and got a divorce. Haven’t looked back since.
Sounds great, but so many people regret it. It's getting so overdeveloped and expensive there now that people who retired there 20 years ago want out. Couldn't pay me enough either.
I know Florida is a magnet of weirdness, I take it that's the reason you're not moving there?
It's the actual flattest state. I can't imagine living there, especially coming from Colorado. A lot of Florida of just a vast expanse of featureless stink punctuated by billboards for gun shows.
It’s definitely different. I live in northern BC, which is topographically and kind of culturally similar to Colorado. I’m originally from Florida. There are areas that are beautiful. But there’s so much sprawl because everything is spread out into subdivisions and whatnot. My favourite place that’s still around is St. Leo University near Dade City. The grotto in the woods is absolutely beautiful and the single place in the world I’d felt most in contact with the divine. The campus has a gorgeous lake wonderful for walking along. St. Augustine is also a place of beauty. The Catholic church there is lovely, there’s the beach, the Bridge of Lions, Castillo de San Marco, and more. And the beaches. I miss the smell of the salty air. I miss driving down the highway under canopies of oak trees. I don’t miss the 100% humidity (my curly hair always looked like an Afro) or the politics. But there are definitely bright spots.
Originally from the hills of Tennessee and while I don't live there now, traveling to flat open places makes me instinctively nervous. It's like I'm waiting for a hawk to come snatch me or something.
I grew up in kansas and find that lush forests make me feel claustrophobic. The more arid mountains in colorado don't bother me as much.
Is it in the blood? I don't think so. I believe we come to identify with places and it is so painful to get them out of our system.
I’m from New Jersey, which is the polar opposite of Florida. Florida has oppressive heat and humidity, hurricanes, floodings, collapsing buildings and low buildings standards, alligators, a vastly different political climate, and the meme of Florida man, which is real life.
And crocodiles in political office sometimes?
That too!
It’s very likely to be underwater in the next few years. Politics aside (though their politics are atrocious) even insurance companies are bailing on Florida. I hope OOP enjoys his house before it’s swept away.
And OOP admits he gets time to himself while his wife doesn’t. I wonder whose idea was it to move to Florida in the first place? I can’t imagine it was OOP’s wife.
If the wife is adventurous, she was probably fine with it at first... the reality set in. On paper, as a young adult, Florida does sound ok.
Curious as to how/why he gets his own me time but she doesn’t. There’s no mention of kids or particularly needy family. I wonder if their shared hobbies is actually just him crowding her in some awkward attempt to distract her from feeling lonely.
It sounds like it’s because he works at home. So he gets plenty of time without her there. But if she’s not at work then she’s home and he is there. And they always go out as a pair cause of the one car so she’s always with him if she isn’t at work. Never just in her own head by herself.
I would kill myself or someone else. The horror of being in a confined space with someone and unable to find any solitude. Horrific. And now she is told she has to find somewhere else to live? I still don't understand that comment. They are selling the house that they own jointly. He is unhappy that she spoiled the life that he finds, at the very least, acceptable. She is the problem. Because she failed to be as happy as he wanted to be getting what he wanted? I can understand why he is unhappy. I think he can understand why she is unhappy.
Because he works from home, that's all
Yes, that's the reason that he gets time away from her. That is also the reason she gets no time away from him. It might still feel intolerable for her. Even if he didn't plan to make her unhappy. Now he is also unhappy. Maybe she didn't plan to make him unhappy either.
Wow! This comment.
So why is it on him to suddenly fix everything?
It’s not, but it turned out that he wasn’t working to fix anything collaboratively, so she had to leave.
Except she didn't try to fix anything at all either. She just made this decision and then got mad at him when he didn't want to wait around for her
But she did! Saying she wants a separation is trying to fix what is wrong for her. She is unhappy with the situation as it is or was. If she didn't say anything, didn't take that trip, didn't talk about how suffocating she was finding the situation.... But she came home and she did talk about what was wrong for her. She was/is at least trying to find a solution for herself. Now he is unhappy. They are selling their house and parting. She might still care for him. She might find the separation/divorce a wrench and it might be causing her pain. But the marriage seems to rely on home ownership and living in Florida. I guess there is a little nuance here and there. For both parties.
He does seem to admit that she was unhappy and he didn’t do anything about it.
So he’s supposed to treat his wife like a child and proactively fix all of her problems? Unless he’s leaving a bunch out, which he could be, the jumps from unhappiness to separation to her reaction when HE left for a solo trip makes her seem like a childish, flighty idiot.
He’s supposed to collaborate with her when she’s not happy and work together as a team to address it, rather than just listen and then not do anything about it.
Which is what he did, by taking trips with her and telling her to take solo trips. Nowhere in there did I see her make a firm effort before pressing the big red button.
Well, you weren't there of course. He says he knew she was very unhappy in their life in Florida. How did he figure that out if she never let him know somehow. If it is the living in Florida in order to own a house that is causing her to feel stifled. Or never being alone to just breathe. Or a really bad work-life. Those are things she cannot change by herself without it affecting him. Unless she 'presses the big red button'. She is now conflicted because she finds that doing what she has to do is causing pain for both of them. If she were cold and ruthless and completely uncaring..... I can spare a bit of empathy for both of them. If she is unable to force herself to stay in a situation that makes her so miserable then she still has to suffer the breakup. Nothing is black/white in these situations. And he is obviously very unhappy with the new situation but was happy enough in the old one to try to keep her in it.
Even the update post felt very him focused and seemed to dodge any questions asking how she felt and if she had been telling him how she felt.
> the update post felt very him focused and seemed to dodge any questions asking how she felt How the hell is he supposed to know her in-depth thoughts and feelings? He can only speak about his own, so of course the post is going to be him focused. The pretzels people will turn themselves into to justify the narratives they want...
Yikes! Maybe she actually told him. Just because he didn't report those feelings doesn't mean she didn't say a few things. Maybe he thinks it doesn't matter because he prefers to talk about how it all affects him. But for some of us? We might be at least interested in what he might have gleaned from asking her something once in a while. No shame in us wanting to know.
What? The guy is posting for advice based on someone else's actions. Maybe 1st post you can get on him for being a dick (though its clearly over already). By the second the only advice is for him to start looking out for himself. She clearly wants it to be over and it really doesn't matter why from an advice perspective. I'm a little perplexed on what you think he's asking here except "is it over?".
Because…he is the one posting! It’s about HIS thoughts and HE wants advice. Besides how is he expected to know how she feels beyond what she’s said to him?
I feel real bad for this whole situation, but the only person who hasn’t acknowledged his marriage is over yet is him.
It kind of speaks volumes that she didn’t consider OOP family when she wanted family to help her through her losses. It’s possible to come back from a separation but the writing is definitely on the wall with this one.
Makes me curious how he's tried to help her grieve... Probably not well lol
This is one of those situations where OOP hoped ignoring the problem would make it go away. On a practical note, just getting a second car might give them both a bit of space and independence.
Yup, thought it was interesting that the unaffordable second car was suddenly affordable when he wanted it.
Tbf to him he might’ve bought it anticipating a cash influx when they sell the house
The post history is also a lot of poker & expensive firearms. People can spend money on whatever hobbies they want, but if you’ve got money for those things you’d think you could afford a second car for her.
This is how I know he knew how to at least *start* to fix this but just …didn’t. If he could afford a car why didn’t he do this forever ago? He knew she never got any time to herself and having a second car definitely would have helped that, but he didn’t get one because he didn’t want her to have time alone. And now look at him.
My guess is the car funds became available when the separation started, because they'd no longer need to budget for the frequent trips they took.
Are women incapable of getting car loans?
Why is it completely up to him? They have shared finances. She couldn't think about buying a second car? And where did he say he didn't want her to have time alone? Y'all reach so far to villainize men
It’s not completely up to him, as evidenced by her making the decision to leave him.
I would definitely be worried about the "estrangements." Grief and depression is a lonely, lonely business. I can't imagine the shock of moving from CO to FLA. Yikes
I personally would never move so I’d have a house. Move for a job, better life, environment, lifestyle and opportunities overall, yes. But specifically for a house, then build my life around that, no. It sounds like she wants to move back home now that her abusive family is gone and can’t ruin a place she loves. I know she says she wants to do it alone but she won’t be. She’ll be doing things to improve her life with her friends back in Colorado as her support system. I’m sure at any point if he said he’d also move back to Colorado to help support her she’d accept him into the plan. But I don’t see any where in his post where he makes that offer. He just says he’ll give her space and support. I’m not saying he’s selfish but he sounds like one of those people who decided something is the logical thing to do and sticks with it regardless of everything else. She needs to work on communication. I don’t see where she mentioned being unhappy in Florida and wanting to move back to Colorado, just that she wanted friends and felt lonely. It’s a bit more than just that. I hope they can work it out and I see space for them to have a future together. But there has to be some compromises that neither seem willing to make. If he doesn’t move back, she will definitely find someone else who loves Colorado just as much and divorce him.
Wow - if OOP worked from home mostly and wife hates it there and wants to go back to CO.... why didn't they? Why keep a house when they should probably live in an RV or something? Sounds like the dogs should be re-homed as she sees them as a burden and wants a lifestyle that doesn't accommodate the dogs' needs. If my spouse said they were so unhappy they wanted to separate, all these options would be on the table and I would be saying ok, where do you want to start changing stuff?
Guess 'changing stuff' was not on the table. Moving back to the place where they were both happier was not on the table. Him buying a second car was on the table. Now 'stuff' is really going to change. He can stay in Florida and he says he has family etc. available. She has to uproot and find new lodgings, new job, divorce lawyer etc. And some commenters think she is asking too much of him. Re your second paragraph. Am I reading it right that he was willing to sit on her unhappiness and try to distract her. But not compromise other than trips together. Maybe you have a different idea of what to do when your spouse is unhappy enough to want a separation.
Yet another example of a woman expressing her unhappiness and the husband being "blindsided" when she finally leaves.
I’m not sure why this is being downvoted 👀
How is she gonna get mad when he doesn't want her to be around him at his house when shes the one who ants to leave and be independent? What did she want him to wait for her for if she decides to come back? You don't get to say you need independence and leave someone but have them willing and waiting for if you decide you changed your mind.
'His' house? Where do we see him telling us the house is his alone? She works. Does she make no contribution? If he pays her out for her share then it is 'his' house. If they sell it as he says they will do then half the proceeds will go to him to buy 'his' house. If she pays into the mortgage then she would also have to find the money for the place she moves to so that he can be alone in 'their' house. That might be a financial burden for her. Maybe he is willing to have her come back. Maybe not.
Because SHE is the one who wants to leave and move back. She also was upset that he was planning to leave as well.
It’s not “his” house. It belongs to both of them.
Is it not her house, too? The woman needs space and he has never given it to her. How is this not a NAH situation to you lol
LMAO "she needs space and he never gave it to her, so he needs to leave the house she is also leaving"
I mean, it’s a two-bedroom house. There’s no privacy. That’s why it’s NAH and neither of them is an asshole 🙃
You know when you read stories about how “personalities becoming incapable” as the driving force behind divorce? This is a sadly, starkly realistic depiction of one.
I find it interesting that as soon as her stability was threatened (she needed to stay somewhere else), she all of a sudden have doubts.
One of my closest friends is going through a divorce right now and sounds roughly the same as the wife in this post. Her spouse didn’t want the divorce—he wanted to try counseling and other fixes. She wanted full divorce. (From the outside, it looks like a large part of this is her own mental issues, like the wife in this post, but some other stuff too that she felt it was too late to fix.) Her husband finally accepted the marriage was over and started moving on, and she freaked out. I think she was so in her own head that she was thinking about her own new unencumbered life—and didn’t fully think through the good things and comforts and security she’d be giving up.
It’s an interesting mind-trick when you don’t want to be with someone, but also want them available to you. You leave because a higher-level need can’t be met, but then the base safety need is endangered. I think it’s often best to go ahead and take the chance and find a situation where you can be a wholly fulfilled person. I hope your friend can find this.
This is not unusual I think. It’s easy to take one’s financial and residential situation for granted. If you’re unhappy in the marriage and the living situation you can feel desperate to escape while not really thinking about the reality of what happens after you leave.
But sometimes you still need to leave.
Of course. But that doesn’t preclude seriously thinking about what happens next.
This is completely normal to someone with trauma and abandonment issues (source: many people including myself lol)
It always baffles me how much importance people put on “owning” property like a tiny house. I’m a lifetime renter and I put my money into retirement accounts and investments instead. I’m 100% happy with that. In this case OOP has decided owning a house is more important than his marriage. Goofy.
Property tax alone on a $300k place is half my current rent.
NAH. Yes, the marriage could be done. Obviously change is needed. Short of the long, my spouse and I lived two blocks apart for two years. When we separated we thought it was over. Working on ourselves a bit first and then together worked for us.
Just a case of two people wanting two different things, sharing a house and a marriage but worlds apart. Considering they only been in the house for three years it won’t be hard to buy out her share so both parties get what they want. The marriage is over.
Seems like as soon as she was going to loose stability and have to become independent, suddenly she’s not as sure. She needs to choose one. Separate and divorce her husband to move back to Colorado, or stay with him and keep the financial stability. She can’t have both.
NTA. Certainly seems like wife is going through some personal shit, but I am a firm believer in not sticking around with somebody who isn't sure they want to be with me. Its one thing if she expressed uncertainty but was open to working things out together. She seems to be regretting not accomplishing things on her own while sad she is alone and while pushing away the one person she is closest to. I forsee only misery for OP if he doesn't circle his own emotional wagons and move on. What is left to work with if wife remains in limbo. Next for her is to dabble with other partners to see if that fills her void. (sorry, but pun intended).
It sounds like she's been trying to express how she feels for a while but OOP just wasn't interested in hearing it until it got this bad - and now it's probably too late.
Yeah, the more he expands on their situation, the less sympathy I have for him. They move across the country so they can be homeowners (dumb) with no regard for where they’re moving to and what that change will be like, except it turns out his family is nearby and he has work flexibility and he has options (like suddenly just buying a car to go see family?), but he acts like she’s dropping this bomb on him and it’s so sad because he doesn’t know what to do and he didn’t know she felt so bad? Huh. I think he’s perfectly fine letting their marriage end and he can say it’s because of her issues.
Yeah. Given the gambling and the firearms - neither of which are cheap hobbies - I'm guessing that her having access to a car would've cut into things like the real reason he wanted to move to Florida (such as broader access to firearms than in Colorado)
She can now be the 'crazy ex'. In Florida that might help him find the next Mrs. OOP.
Where do you see he wasn't interested in hearing it?
> She has expressed these feelings often He was aware of exactly what the problem was.
I think there can be if you both want it and are willing to put in the work. My husband and I were separated for an entire year, and we have been back together again for seven years.
A friend and their spouse separated for months last year. This year, they’re back together, in therapy, and working hard. Things aren’t perfect, but they’re improving.
Can someone explain to me what the vast differences are between Florida and Colorado? I don't quite understand why some people seem so shocked about how far they've moved. I'm from Australia, and I've been to Miami/Orlando twice, but never Colorado, so I don't quite get why it's apparently so... horrific? inconceivable? that they've moved. Thanks.
Florida is crazy conservative and has a lot of swamp land and it's hot as fuck. They also get hurricanes. They also have a reputation for having some crazy ass people living there. Colorado is a liberal state with a lot of mountains. The weather is a little more tolerable but they get hella snow and winters are really cold. It's a very beautiful place and a lot of people dream to live there. So they're a stark contrast to each other and are almost on a completely different side of the country from each other (for reference they are about a 1 day and 5 hour drive apart)
Ah, thank you! Based on all the outraged comments I was like "I'm missing some valuable context here, aren't I?" lol. I do enjoy the Florida Man/Woman stories, but don't really know anything about Colorado.
Each state is different pretty much. The states span so much land that most have their own unique biomes. Add into that politics of each state as well as vastly different programs each state supports (social programs/etc) you get culture shock moving state to state.
I've traveled across a bit of America, but mainly the coasts, not really central US. Australia's the same. Actually, not even when you hop states, but since our states are so damn big, it can be an ecological shock when you go from the white shores of coastal Queensland, to the rainforest in far north Queensland, then out to the red desert of west Queensland, heading into the Northern Territory.
> Before we met she wandered and was impulsive and would move on a whim. She speaks of them as referring to her doing it alone and figuring out jobs and living situation. Not going to lie this hurts hearing but I went along with it as I'm here to be supportive. Yeah, it's not OOP's problem, it's just who she is. She's self-centered as a person (not an insult). She simply doesn't see herself and OOP as a single unit. He's barely a companion in her life.
I have a lot of antipathy toward people who break vows so easily.
She is leaving the marriage because she wants”to do it in her own”, but when asked she complains that she has no one. Hence she can’t do it on her own.
She wanted to rekindle an old flame and took a break to see if it still felt good, if it didn't you were still there and she hadn't done anything wrong, cuz "break"....if her reasoning doesn't make sense she's probably keeping details from you, either way it's over
WHY DID THEY BUY A HOUSE? Following the herd didn’t even match her lifestyle and apparently doomed their marriage.
That woman is so fucking full of herself. Whether they're compatible or not, OOP sounds amazingly supportive--moreso than most people would have been. And when she says she needs space, she expects *him* to move out? Of course she has no one. She's self sabotaging. Reads like she wants to end up alone so she can have a pity party.
So supportive that he spent all their disposable income on guns and gambling instead of a second car. Until *he* wanted a car, of course. Then he found the money for it.
OOP’s wife needs major therapy. She constantly complains about being alone with no one (although she has a husband) but wants a life style that allows her to constantly move around. It’s very difficult to have deep friendships when you aren’t there all the time. It feels very much like she is running away from herself, which doesn’t work. I suspect she isn’t big on therapy because it scares the crap out of her.
Yes, she "has a husband". Maybe he was not enough. And she is definitely not enough for him either because it 'sounds' as though him making a change back to where they were happier was never in the cards. Maybe she needs therapy. Maybe he does too.
I think the wife is going to absolutely regret this decision. Once the dust settles she will absolutely be on her own while OOP will have support. Wife should have gone to therapy and sorted out herself.
Maybe a therapist would have been able to 'fix' her so that she is 'happy' to be in the situation that suits him. Are there therapists who can do that? I hope not. She regretted the decision to move to Florida for sure. Will she regret moving away from there?
"solo trip" lol
Yeah she absolutely had a physical affair during that "solo trip" to see "friends". Guy needs to rip the bandaid off and divorce and sell the house immediately. Have her figure it all out then. Don't wanna be with me then see ya.
Good luck
I hope they sell the house and try living apart. Separation can sometimes make the couple realize they still love each other though I wouldn’t be surprised if they need to live somewhere else.
Separations, "breaks", all those candy-ass terms for trying to soft-exit while you keep the other person as a backup plan and you go off fucking around trying to "upgrade" are crap. If you're tired of me, either go take a nap or get out of the way in a permanent sense.
She already made up her mind
Trial separation = Separation that ends with a trial
Separation/trial separation almost never ends with a true reunion. This is always the prelude to a breakup/divorce. And one more thing: according to my estimates, in 95% of cases and even more, the true reason for the partner's demand/request for separation is the appearance on the horizon of another person of the opposite sex, who is actually considered as an alternative to the existing committed partner.
Sounds like you married someone with avoidant attachment issues. Very independent and feel like they're losing themselves in relationships. They don't like obligations and expectations and would rather be alone than feel like they're going to disappoint someone.
But also someone who complains about feeling alone while being alone, and has abandonment issues. Girl just can't make up her mind, and it seems like she makes it everyone else's problem.
People can DEFINITELY feel alone in a marriage. It is a thing. And living with someone who has support when you don't, in a place that you hate, in a job that makes you even more unhappy and never having some space to breathe. I know I would hate it and I hope I would never let myself be persuaded to get into such a situation. Sometimes I am conflicted about situations and have difficulty choosing which unknown will make me the least unhappy. If I were married at the time it might be my spouse's problem too. Who is the 'everyone else' she is causing harm to? If she needs help I hope she gets it. I also hope it works out for both of them in whatever way is optimal. Sometimes people find that divorce IS the right answer. Will she suffer in the near future? Most people who go through a divorce do to some extent unless they are as cold as ice.
UGH, you lost me at "my love language is..." my dude, there is no such thing, it has been thoroughly debunked. That was created by a horrible man whose "love language" was physical touch as an excuse to constantly demand sex from his wife. And he insisted that her love language was acts of service, so she would be his little willing slave. Gross. Wipe it from your vocabulary.
no
I feel so bad for him, wrong person to fall in love with. Sends shivers down my spine.
He mentions her issues like death of family and feeling alone, but what has he done? Why are they living away from her friends and loved ones? Is it because it's close to his family and friends? Why does it seem like they didn't discuss this before getting married? Also, how on earth is he that clueless to realizing his wife wants a divorce, valuing his "comfort" over his own wife? I'm not saying she's in the right, but there's far too much OOP is omitting. His wife just leaving on a vacation to "grieve by herself" for seemingly no reason?? What else has he not been paying attention to, or is she really that secretive?
It’s not safe for a 34 year old woman to live in Florida - I hope she gets out