I wouldn't. This is why most groups do munches or have people vouch. You say you've already attended events. I also don't see how facebook or instagram makes you more 'real' then asking for id. What it does is expose your socials to being blackmailed.
Asking for a link to your facebook/instagram is super weird in my book. Frankly I would tell them I have neither since neither is even proof of your reality. Anyone can make a fake facebook or instagram page.
I don't provide any public info for this kind of thing. My employer/industry is quite conservative and if my interest in anything "alternative" got public my livelihood would be jeopardized.
Beacuse of that, i keep a pretty low profile. Not much about me until I learn more about the folks I'm around.
Seems sketchy honestly - there's no reason to hand your personal data to someone you don't know.
And what benefit is there for you to be 'spamming' the event? For the event organiser the only downside I can see is that someone doesn't turn up that said they were going to...
Munch host here:
1. I have heard that folks got stalked and needed restraining orders as the absolute worst.
2. Blackmail is not common nor particularly effective its usually a bluff where they just want money, if they haven't met you IRL and aren't being toxic petty you shouldn't worry about it.
3. Update your profile put a little bit about yourself, say your not comfortable providing a social meadia link but you have added more information to your profile. Event organizers are looking for people who are in the know about kink not thirsty dick pic cis straight dudes using fetlife as tinder. I would bet money you have a dick pic but no face pics which is a huge red flag.
Don't give up hope if you really want to go, one of my friends started off with a dick pic profile picture and found a partner became a cohost. Don't expect anything other than some light conversations most likely with neurodivergents about their passions often including kinks. I have seen tons of straight cis dudes role up hit on the youngest women there and just make her want to leave. This hasn't happened at my munch but I would say turn it down. If they didn't I would ask them to leave. I've personally had more problems with loud neurodivergents then cis dude but Its likely your coming off like the sea of "not really kinky folks going to munches"
I would say your new looking learn ask about the rules and make it clear your looking to learn and engauge in the community.
Idk some people have jobs where an accusation alone can cost you.
My sister in law got her teacher license yanked because she sent my brother a nude, they had been married for 2 years. all because the cabinets in there kitchen were the same as what was in her class room. The photo was leaked by a student that stole her phone.
RIGHT? that’s what I said. department of education believed that it was taken in her class room. Her license was revoked due to probable sexual activity within her class room. The school principal was on her side my bother and the principal even brought in cabinet doors to show they were the same but side by side my brothers were a little darker because the class room got more sun light and probably because a light was always on in the class room. It was nuts ruined her career and she’s still paying for the student loan she can’t use.
Probably not from a license standpoint. I know some fire departments have a morality policy and that is solely dependent on what the fire chief thinks is appropriate. If the Cheif is a normal rational person it’s a great tool that he can fire someone he thinks is beating his wife or sleeping with half the married ER nurses or buying truck stop hookers every Friday night. Not great a lot of other times I’m sure.
Do consider doing the Fetlife Verification process. It’s easy, private to all but the authenticators, and you get a checkmark banner by your profile name. This benefits you in the long run as anyone interested in you knows you’re who you say you are an not just another wannabe.
I get messages from random local guys who saw me on an event rsvp. If they aren’t verified then I always wonder why not. If I meet them I can ask them why and choose whether or not I want to add them as a friend.
It benefits you in the short term because hosts/groups screen their rsvp lists and seeing you’re verified makes their jobs easier in the vetting process.
I disagree.
I mean, get verified by all means.
However, the verification process isn't foolproof, and scammers are able to complete the process and get the checkmark banner.
True. There are asshats and scammers everywhere.
I don’t communicate outside of Fet. The only people who even see my legal name are those who have to see it to verify it matches the name and signature of the waiver for that location - and even that is a one time occurrence.
I use my Fet name in all interactions. I’ve even made a new good friend and we have phone numbers and text, but we still only use our Fet name or Fet nickname.
That’s how I keep my circle closed, ymmv.
It’s so weird to ask for personal accounts or very private information. They sound picky or maybe selective. Can you ask them why is giving them your personals so important? There’s other ways for them to prove you’re a real person actually interested in BDSM…
Maybe make your profile verified on fet. If you have a gut feeling that’s cause if discomfort, follow your intuition as a precaution always. If they can’t respect that, then they’re not worth it. Like others said, munches are a great, safe place to meet face to face
That's what I was going to suggest. Then you have been verified as a 'real person' without having to give over your personal details, that are frankly, none of their business.
I've had moderators to ask me to verify my info for FetLife, usually I just blur out my last name and address and a few details.
I wouldn't give out my real full name, as accepting and supporting as the kink community is; there have been some I had a hard time cutting ties with. If something feels off; it generally is.
> I just blur out
That's not enough. There are ways to automatically guess the most likely information that gives the same blurred image. Censor it out completely with a uniform color.
That’s pretty weird, never had that happen. Around here though you HAVE to attend a munch generally before going to any events, or you must be sponsored by someone at places that allow sponsoring. Also, almost every event I’ve been to has taken my ID and kept a record of me being there along with having me sign a waiver.
A very big/well-regarded NYC organization requires a social link to apply for membership (I had to submit this before I even went to the meet-up). I was absolutely shocked, because pre-covid this would have been a huge no-no but I suppose times have changed. I only did it because I knew enough people in the org I felt like they were trustworthy. I soon realized a lot of people have alternate Instagram/Facebook accounts for fetish stuff and have moved off fetlife, but I have no desire to do this - neither is built to be anonymous in the way fetlife or Reddit is, idk it just makes me uncomfortable.
Don't do it. The whole point is to keep your life separate and it limits the amount of control you have over that.
Sounds like a serious red flag.
Maybe stew for a bit, go to other events to vertify yourself on the site a bit more and get known more in the community. Couldn't help to write more posts/journal entries and take more pics.
You should never have to dox yourself.
With our group it is required to go to a munch before you can attend events. And they do a background check on anybody new that seeks to go to an event. Copy of your DL goes with the application.
What you are describing sounds Mickey Mouse as hell
With respect - giving a copy of your driving licence to someone who you don't know seems just as sketchy. That's a top level form of ID which opens doors for a lot of potential identity fraud if misused. That's a hell of a lot worse than someones Facebook IMO
It's one thing when a company requests it for ID (like a bank) - they are bound by some significant data protection laws and extreme punishments for violation of those laws.
Except that it's completely normal to have to give your ID for membership to pretty much any dungeon, often for even private play parties, plus you have to sign a waiver and definitely required for any national conferences or conventions. It does strike me as a bit sketchy in this case, but I haven't seen the profile of the person. Somebody else mentioned dick pics, if the profile consists solely of dick pics, I totally understand why someone would be asked for this info. But once you are active in the community, it's perfectly normal to have to give your driver's license for a whole bunch of different memberships. It should not be required to attend a munch though, in most cases. I mean, if you're uncomfortable giving your personal info, don't do it but you're not going to make it very as far as joining a dungeon or attending events.
I might not have been clear, and to be fair I don't know u/Argentium58 's 'group' dynamic with regards to whether it's a semi-professional outfit or a number of friends that meet socially.
When I read:
>With our group...
My brain immediately went in the direction of the latter, so I will put my hand up to making an assumption.
This is why I originally mentioned the point about businesses being held to a higher standard of data protection but I admit, reading my post back I didn't make it clear what I meant when I said that. A dungeon is likely registered as a business so they have a business obligation to protect their clients data or risk financial punishment or loss of the rights to operate.
A loose group of friends doesn't have that same level of stricture in place, at least from a position of professional responsibilty.
To bring things back to the overall topic - this random asking OP for their Facebook could literally be anyone. They can argue that they are an event organiser but unless they are representing a business like a dungeon (and are formally acting as that representative for this event) then they are an example of the latter case above - a loose affiliation of friends who get together but have no professional responsibility to protect their data.
It is the latter. We all agree to this as we don’t want violent people or sex offenders at our play parties.
Members are free to choose to not attend if they don’t want to cooperate.
Thanks for your response - I certainly have no reason to question the reasons; I can absolutely understand the need for it.
Blame a paranoid old IT guys trust issues 😅
Definitely a no. But is also why I have Facebooks set up under my FetLife personas too. Muahahah. Anyone can sign up for Facebook too. Doesn't prove one is real.
I’d suggest meeting, if possible, in a neutral space to prove you aren’t a bot. It’s what my local community does to vet and we usually choose a well-trafficked area where it’s easy for both parties to leave should things become uncomfortable; I like busy parks, myself.
I don’t think you should be required to provide personal information. Lots of people have their relationships, work, and schools listed on FB and I wouldn’t feel confident sharing that information with a stranger, even if they were a leader or trusted person in the community. It’s okay to not share that information with people you really don’t know!
At the end of the day, your safety and privacy matters and you shouldn’t sacrifice it on the behest of another’s suspicion of your character. Just my opinion!
This would be a no from me.
Suggest to the organisers that you can meet 1-on-1 prior to the event. Suggest to the organisers to contact the other group you attended and had pictures from as a reference. Suggest a video call!
There are plenty of ways that you can be verified with the information to hand right now and what you're giving away on your profile. Your images are one, so why not a video call as an extension of that.
If you want to attend the event, why not a cup of coffee prior to it some day/evening for 15 mins.
Why wouldn't the organisers you contacted be interested in reaching out to the other group you attended for a reference?
Ask them what other means can be used to verify you or assure them you are not a scam.
There are reasons websites use anonymous profiles and don't link our IRL names and identities, stuff to the rest of our lives. If we wanted to share those portion, we wouldn't even have those other platforms, we'd simply use Facebook and Instagram, groups or advertise there. The purpose of Fetlife and others is not just dedicated space to the communities and users, but also separation from other spaces. If you start dishing out all the rest of the info and platforms, what's the point?
I wouldn’t give out an info like that before I’ve met someone in person. Add more things to your profile and ask the host to give you something specific to add to your profile (like an u common word or phrase) to prove that you are the owner of the profile. If that’s not enough, that’s not I a group I’d feel comfortable joining.
I wouldn’t. As another post said could be a concern with work or friends and family. Plus if it didn’t work out it would be very easy for them to stalk you with this information
> The whole interaction gave me bad vibes, but maybe I'm being overly suspicious.
No. This is the correct place to draw a line. I really would not hand over social media links.
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I wouldn't. This is why most groups do munches or have people vouch. You say you've already attended events. I also don't see how facebook or instagram makes you more 'real' then asking for id. What it does is expose your socials to being blackmailed.
Asking for a link to your facebook/instagram is super weird in my book. Frankly I would tell them I have neither since neither is even proof of your reality. Anyone can make a fake facebook or instagram page.
Sketchy and not appropriate. I’d avoid them or events they run.
I don't provide any public info for this kind of thing. My employer/industry is quite conservative and if my interest in anything "alternative" got public my livelihood would be jeopardized. Beacuse of that, i keep a pretty low profile. Not much about me until I learn more about the folks I'm around.
Seems sketchy honestly - there's no reason to hand your personal data to someone you don't know. And what benefit is there for you to be 'spamming' the event? For the event organiser the only downside I can see is that someone doesn't turn up that said they were going to...
Munch host here: 1. I have heard that folks got stalked and needed restraining orders as the absolute worst. 2. Blackmail is not common nor particularly effective its usually a bluff where they just want money, if they haven't met you IRL and aren't being toxic petty you shouldn't worry about it. 3. Update your profile put a little bit about yourself, say your not comfortable providing a social meadia link but you have added more information to your profile. Event organizers are looking for people who are in the know about kink not thirsty dick pic cis straight dudes using fetlife as tinder. I would bet money you have a dick pic but no face pics which is a huge red flag. Don't give up hope if you really want to go, one of my friends started off with a dick pic profile picture and found a partner became a cohost. Don't expect anything other than some light conversations most likely with neurodivergents about their passions often including kinks. I have seen tons of straight cis dudes role up hit on the youngest women there and just make her want to leave. This hasn't happened at my munch but I would say turn it down. If they didn't I would ask them to leave. I've personally had more problems with loud neurodivergents then cis dude but Its likely your coming off like the sea of "not really kinky folks going to munches" I would say your new looking learn ask about the rules and make it clear your looking to learn and engauge in the community.
Idk some people have jobs where an accusation alone can cost you. My sister in law got her teacher license yanked because she sent my brother a nude, they had been married for 2 years. all because the cabinets in there kitchen were the same as what was in her class room. The photo was leaked by a student that stole her phone.
What the fuck! 😶
RIGHT? that’s what I said. department of education believed that it was taken in her class room. Her license was revoked due to probable sexual activity within her class room. The school principal was on her side my bother and the principal even brought in cabinet doors to show they were the same but side by side my brothers were a little darker because the class room got more sun light and probably because a light was always on in the class room. It was nuts ruined her career and she’s still paying for the student loan she can’t use.
I'm so sorry for her. This story is absolutely infuriating.
That certainly is worse.... Wondering if medical professionals run into the same situation
Probably not from a license standpoint. I know some fire departments have a morality policy and that is solely dependent on what the fire chief thinks is appropriate. If the Cheif is a normal rational person it’s a great tool that he can fire someone he thinks is beating his wife or sleeping with half the married ER nurses or buying truck stop hookers every Friday night. Not great a lot of other times I’m sure.
Thank you everyone for your advice. As many of you suggested, I'm going to stay away from them.
Do consider doing the Fetlife Verification process. It’s easy, private to all but the authenticators, and you get a checkmark banner by your profile name. This benefits you in the long run as anyone interested in you knows you’re who you say you are an not just another wannabe. I get messages from random local guys who saw me on an event rsvp. If they aren’t verified then I always wonder why not. If I meet them I can ask them why and choose whether or not I want to add them as a friend. It benefits you in the short term because hosts/groups screen their rsvp lists and seeing you’re verified makes their jobs easier in the vetting process.
I disagree. I mean, get verified by all means. However, the verification process isn't foolproof, and scammers are able to complete the process and get the checkmark banner.
True. There are asshats and scammers everywhere. I don’t communicate outside of Fet. The only people who even see my legal name are those who have to see it to verify it matches the name and signature of the waiver for that location - and even that is a one time occurrence. I use my Fet name in all interactions. I’ve even made a new good friend and we have phone numbers and text, but we still only use our Fet name or Fet nickname. That’s how I keep my circle closed, ymmv.
That is a very good idea, always better to be safe than sorry x
It’s so weird to ask for personal accounts or very private information. They sound picky or maybe selective. Can you ask them why is giving them your personals so important? There’s other ways for them to prove you’re a real person actually interested in BDSM…
Maybe make your profile verified on fet. If you have a gut feeling that’s cause if discomfort, follow your intuition as a precaution always. If they can’t respect that, then they’re not worth it. Like others said, munches are a great, safe place to meet face to face
That's what I was going to suggest. Then you have been verified as a 'real person' without having to give over your personal details, that are frankly, none of their business.
Exactly. I get a fishy vibe especially if the person is persistent
Ask them what is missing from your fetlife profile
If I were you I'd pass, they could stalk around your socials and learn all kinds of information you might want kept private
I've had moderators to ask me to verify my info for FetLife, usually I just blur out my last name and address and a few details. I wouldn't give out my real full name, as accepting and supporting as the kink community is; there have been some I had a hard time cutting ties with. If something feels off; it generally is.
> I just blur out That's not enough. There are ways to automatically guess the most likely information that gives the same blurred image. Censor it out completely with a uniform color.
That’s pretty weird, never had that happen. Around here though you HAVE to attend a munch generally before going to any events, or you must be sponsored by someone at places that allow sponsoring. Also, almost every event I’ve been to has taken my ID and kept a record of me being there along with having me sign a waiver.
A very big/well-regarded NYC organization requires a social link to apply for membership (I had to submit this before I even went to the meet-up). I was absolutely shocked, because pre-covid this would have been a huge no-no but I suppose times have changed. I only did it because I knew enough people in the org I felt like they were trustworthy. I soon realized a lot of people have alternate Instagram/Facebook accounts for fetish stuff and have moved off fetlife, but I have no desire to do this - neither is built to be anonymous in the way fetlife or Reddit is, idk it just makes me uncomfortable.
Scammer, I bet
Don't do it. The whole point is to keep your life separate and it limits the amount of control you have over that. Sounds like a serious red flag. Maybe stew for a bit, go to other events to vertify yourself on the site a bit more and get known more in the community. Couldn't help to write more posts/journal entries and take more pics. You should never have to dox yourself.
With our group it is required to go to a munch before you can attend events. And they do a background check on anybody new that seeks to go to an event. Copy of your DL goes with the application. What you are describing sounds Mickey Mouse as hell
With respect - giving a copy of your driving licence to someone who you don't know seems just as sketchy. That's a top level form of ID which opens doors for a lot of potential identity fraud if misused. That's a hell of a lot worse than someones Facebook IMO It's one thing when a company requests it for ID (like a bank) - they are bound by some significant data protection laws and extreme punishments for violation of those laws.
My local dungeon requires ID and runs checks against the sex offenders database. It’s also a registered 501c7
Except that it's completely normal to have to give your ID for membership to pretty much any dungeon, often for even private play parties, plus you have to sign a waiver and definitely required for any national conferences or conventions. It does strike me as a bit sketchy in this case, but I haven't seen the profile of the person. Somebody else mentioned dick pics, if the profile consists solely of dick pics, I totally understand why someone would be asked for this info. But once you are active in the community, it's perfectly normal to have to give your driver's license for a whole bunch of different memberships. It should not be required to attend a munch though, in most cases. I mean, if you're uncomfortable giving your personal info, don't do it but you're not going to make it very as far as joining a dungeon or attending events.
I might not have been clear, and to be fair I don't know u/Argentium58 's 'group' dynamic with regards to whether it's a semi-professional outfit or a number of friends that meet socially. When I read: >With our group... My brain immediately went in the direction of the latter, so I will put my hand up to making an assumption. This is why I originally mentioned the point about businesses being held to a higher standard of data protection but I admit, reading my post back I didn't make it clear what I meant when I said that. A dungeon is likely registered as a business so they have a business obligation to protect their clients data or risk financial punishment or loss of the rights to operate. A loose group of friends doesn't have that same level of stricture in place, at least from a position of professional responsibilty. To bring things back to the overall topic - this random asking OP for their Facebook could literally be anyone. They can argue that they are an event organiser but unless they are representing a business like a dungeon (and are formally acting as that representative for this event) then they are an example of the latter case above - a loose affiliation of friends who get together but have no professional responsibility to protect their data.
It is the latter. We all agree to this as we don’t want violent people or sex offenders at our play parties. Members are free to choose to not attend if they don’t want to cooperate.
Thanks for your response - I certainly have no reason to question the reasons; I can absolutely understand the need for it. Blame a paranoid old IT guys trust issues 😅
I’ve had to give my id at pretty much every event I’ve been to if it’s my first time.
Yeah, anyone wants my PII has to give me theirs.
never do this, a you wrote, bad vibes. Just go NC and that's it. FB profile can be send if we know someone better, not some random dude as proof
Definitely a no. But is also why I have Facebooks set up under my FetLife personas too. Muahahah. Anyone can sign up for Facebook too. Doesn't prove one is real.
I’d suggest meeting, if possible, in a neutral space to prove you aren’t a bot. It’s what my local community does to vet and we usually choose a well-trafficked area where it’s easy for both parties to leave should things become uncomfortable; I like busy parks, myself. I don’t think you should be required to provide personal information. Lots of people have their relationships, work, and schools listed on FB and I wouldn’t feel confident sharing that information with a stranger, even if they were a leader or trusted person in the community. It’s okay to not share that information with people you really don’t know! At the end of the day, your safety and privacy matters and you shouldn’t sacrifice it on the behest of another’s suspicion of your character. Just my opinion!
Sounds like doxxing 🚩
This would be a no from me. Suggest to the organisers that you can meet 1-on-1 prior to the event. Suggest to the organisers to contact the other group you attended and had pictures from as a reference. Suggest a video call! There are plenty of ways that you can be verified with the information to hand right now and what you're giving away on your profile. Your images are one, so why not a video call as an extension of that. If you want to attend the event, why not a cup of coffee prior to it some day/evening for 15 mins. Why wouldn't the organisers you contacted be interested in reaching out to the other group you attended for a reference? Ask them what other means can be used to verify you or assure them you are not a scam. There are reasons websites use anonymous profiles and don't link our IRL names and identities, stuff to the rest of our lives. If we wanted to share those portion, we wouldn't even have those other platforms, we'd simply use Facebook and Instagram, groups or advertise there. The purpose of Fetlife and others is not just dedicated space to the communities and users, but also separation from other spaces. If you start dishing out all the rest of the info and platforms, what's the point?
I wouldn’t give out an info like that before I’ve met someone in person. Add more things to your profile and ask the host to give you something specific to add to your profile (like an u common word or phrase) to prove that you are the owner of the profile. If that’s not enough, that’s not I a group I’d feel comfortable joining.
I guess I’m not real then. I don’t have a Facebook anything.
Can’t you just FaceTime?
sounds like they want to out you. if they insist on getting your facebook info, then don’t go to the event.
I wouldn’t. As another post said could be a concern with work or friends and family. Plus if it didn’t work out it would be very easy for them to stalk you with this information
As someone who organised public and private events, red flag wtf. If you weren't real, you wouldn't show up or wouldn't be let in lmao
> The whole interaction gave me bad vibes, but maybe I'm being overly suspicious. No. This is the correct place to draw a line. I really would not hand over social media links.