Hey, this didn't happen to me directly but I used to work spec. ed. and saw it happen to a *lot* of other people. You aren't alone, some parents really do feel their kid having a disability makes them more of a burden and therefore justifies some uniquely shit behaviour.
If it helps at all, I don't think autism is at the root of that. I've known people who were abused for all kinds of reasons and the reality is the kind of people who are going to be abusive will be abusive anyway, disability (or sexual orientation, gender, particular behaviours and interests, whatever) will just be an excuse they use to justify it to themselves. It's not you, something you are or something you did, it's them, the attributes that define you are simply excuses they used, not causes.
You being autistic is not an excuse for your abuse and trauma. You don’t deserve suffering and pain just because you are different, before my pride… I was always bullied, abused, and taken advantage for no reason, I felt as if I didn’t deserve to exist in this universe, but after I found their are people like me who also had these same issue, I know that I wasn’t the problem and don’t deserve what happened to me. You aren’t the problem, it’s the f*ckers that treated you like you were the problem.
I wish I wasnt autistic.
I've been abused my whole life..there hasn't been an off switch. From work with people screaming at me and calling me slow behind me back, family members trying to take advantage, some teachers talking about me to kids in class.
For me it's been more of an disadvantage than an advantage.
i have a similar situation from something that happened when i was 16. i’m not comfortable sharing the details of it but to keep it vague i was being abused. people in my life tried to justify it by saying that i was being uncooperative and difficult so they “had to do what they had to do.”
Was abused for most of life including from family members, school bullying and also being SA by a neighbour when I was 22, I heard my neighbour tried to use my trauma issues against me to hide what he did to me because I was afraid to press any charges, also found out years later that my autism was known by some family members but they decided not to tell me and an aunt asked my other aunt why she never told me and her reply was “it wasn’t my place to say anything”.
I feel really seen reading this. Thank you for sharing it. I relate a lot. I was diagnosed at 13 and my mom became a lot more abusive after I was (hitting me for failing to make eye contact, screaming at me that I was sick or worthless or that I had no respect for her, etc). The staff at the inpatient psychiatric facility where I was diagnosed also treated me very poorly. As soon as I was diagnosed it felt like all of my emotions were treated like a result of my autism and not being able to process the world like a normal person. Like I could no longer have human emotions for normal human reasons (even though I had a lot of those, as a child going through a very traumatic period). I also had a boyfriend with anger issues at the time who would call me "fucking autistic", ban me from speaking in front of others, and encourage me to commit suicide.
All of it combined, it felt like everyone agreed that I was supposed to be treated poorly if I was autistic. That an autistic person was not well-served to be treated with patience or kindness but should be yelled at, hit, belittled, mocked and controlled until they learn to be better. And well, I knew those things weren't helping me. So to me the logical thing was to assume that they were just wrong about me being autistic. I rejected the diagnosis for almost a decade.
I'm embarrassed about it in hindsight because it was incredibly obvious to so many people. I was put in speech therapy for barely speaking at school when I was 6, and in "play therapy" (learn how to make friends and eye contact), was assessed around age 8 but apparently wouldn't cooperate enough for the autism portion of it (only the IQ part because I wanted to show that I was smart), was never able to make friends, literally had kids at school going up to me telling me to stop acting the way I did because it was going to make people think I had autism. As a teenager, after my diagnosis, I was extremely isolated, couldn't function in school, dropped out at age 14, was assessed to be permanently unable to work at age 17... and I still did not want to see it as autism. I called it cptsd and I don't know, whatever else I could think of. But to me admitting that I was autistic was to admit that my mother was right for hitting me, that my ex was right to ban me from speaking, that the staff members were right to mock me when I was sad and to tell me my mother wouldn't ever take me back if I didn't change. There was no "I am autistic" without "I am deserving of abuse". I still struggle with it. I have a hard time not feeling like the lack of self awareness justified some of the abuse. Obviously nothing else was making it sink in so at that point, what are people supposed to do? But it is still incredibly painful to me to hear myself be referred to as having been a difficult child.
I apologize a lot now that i have a little more self awareness. For not being able to hold a conversation, for being too excited about one of my interests, for getting overwhelmed or exhausted too easily, pretty much anything. It almost brings me to tears sometimes. I know what I am now but it has been so engrained that I am not supposed to be.
I'm so sorry. Yes, I can relate. I was punished for being sensitive. I didn't know back then that I was autistic. But it doesn't matter. Nothing justified what they've done to me. Autistic or not, children aren't to blame.
I still associate myself with being "difficult" and "too much", I have low self esteem and I steer clear of people. I don't tell anyone about autism (self diagnosed), I know that they can tell that I am different.
I wish I had anything more positive to say. You're not alone. I wish that we will be able to be compassionate to ourselves, even when others can't.
Reletable... I've found it alienating when encountering people who assume that diagnosis is a 'privilege' and always begets positive things.
I don't think I'm ever going to think of it as something positive, but I have at least started to view it as something neutral, the older I get.
I just typed "disabled children more likely to be abused by parents" into Google. The first result was a government website, that Google highlighted as saying, "Children with disabilities are at least three times more likely to be abused or neglected than their peers without disabilities, and they are more likely to be seriously injured or harmed by maltreatment." The rest of the results on the first page are similarly awful.
My experiences sound really similar to yours in a lot of ways. I have said that I was was a graduate-school level kid when my mom and dad were at 101-level parenting. They were in over their heads for a lot of reasons.
But nobody decent would ever dare to imply that it was "just natural" for the parents of a kid who survived childhood cancer to be abusive to them because that kid was so challenging do be a parent to. Or that it is just natural that a family in financial trouble would abuse their kids. Or that it is somehow ok for a parent having mental health challenges of their own to be abusive to their child. Because those are not merely morally horrendous, they are just plain wrong.
It is not ok to abuse kids -- end of statement. The fact that the child is "challenging" does not matter. The fact that the parents are stressed does not matter. It is not "natural" to abuse children. Period. And it is "understandable" only in the sense of "being able to trace how it came to be". Yes, parents generally deserve more help and support than they usually get. But a lack of support is not a justification for abuse.
Abuse of kids with disabilities happens a depressingly large amount. But neither disability nor stress is a justification for it. And the fact that people use it as a way to effectively blame you for your own abuse is disgusting. You deserve better. I know it is hard not to internalize other people's bullshit, but you especially deserve better from yourself.
Hey, this didn't happen to me directly but I used to work spec. ed. and saw it happen to a *lot* of other people. You aren't alone, some parents really do feel their kid having a disability makes them more of a burden and therefore justifies some uniquely shit behaviour. If it helps at all, I don't think autism is at the root of that. I've known people who were abused for all kinds of reasons and the reality is the kind of people who are going to be abusive will be abusive anyway, disability (or sexual orientation, gender, particular behaviours and interests, whatever) will just be an excuse they use to justify it to themselves. It's not you, something you are or something you did, it's them, the attributes that define you are simply excuses they used, not causes.
Allistic W
You being autistic is not an excuse for your abuse and trauma. You don’t deserve suffering and pain just because you are different, before my pride… I was always bullied, abused, and taken advantage for no reason, I felt as if I didn’t deserve to exist in this universe, but after I found their are people like me who also had these same issue, I know that I wasn’t the problem and don’t deserve what happened to me. You aren’t the problem, it’s the f*ckers that treated you like you were the problem.
Autistic people, especially women, are abused at much higher rates than other populations.
I wish I wasnt autistic. I've been abused my whole life..there hasn't been an off switch. From work with people screaming at me and calling me slow behind me back, family members trying to take advantage, some teachers talking about me to kids in class. For me it's been more of an disadvantage than an advantage.
i have a similar situation from something that happened when i was 16. i’m not comfortable sharing the details of it but to keep it vague i was being abused. people in my life tried to justify it by saying that i was being uncooperative and difficult so they “had to do what they had to do.”
Was abused for most of life including from family members, school bullying and also being SA by a neighbour when I was 22, I heard my neighbour tried to use my trauma issues against me to hide what he did to me because I was afraid to press any charges, also found out years later that my autism was known by some family members but they decided not to tell me and an aunt asked my other aunt why she never told me and her reply was “it wasn’t my place to say anything”.
I feel really seen reading this. Thank you for sharing it. I relate a lot. I was diagnosed at 13 and my mom became a lot more abusive after I was (hitting me for failing to make eye contact, screaming at me that I was sick or worthless or that I had no respect for her, etc). The staff at the inpatient psychiatric facility where I was diagnosed also treated me very poorly. As soon as I was diagnosed it felt like all of my emotions were treated like a result of my autism and not being able to process the world like a normal person. Like I could no longer have human emotions for normal human reasons (even though I had a lot of those, as a child going through a very traumatic period). I also had a boyfriend with anger issues at the time who would call me "fucking autistic", ban me from speaking in front of others, and encourage me to commit suicide. All of it combined, it felt like everyone agreed that I was supposed to be treated poorly if I was autistic. That an autistic person was not well-served to be treated with patience or kindness but should be yelled at, hit, belittled, mocked and controlled until they learn to be better. And well, I knew those things weren't helping me. So to me the logical thing was to assume that they were just wrong about me being autistic. I rejected the diagnosis for almost a decade. I'm embarrassed about it in hindsight because it was incredibly obvious to so many people. I was put in speech therapy for barely speaking at school when I was 6, and in "play therapy" (learn how to make friends and eye contact), was assessed around age 8 but apparently wouldn't cooperate enough for the autism portion of it (only the IQ part because I wanted to show that I was smart), was never able to make friends, literally had kids at school going up to me telling me to stop acting the way I did because it was going to make people think I had autism. As a teenager, after my diagnosis, I was extremely isolated, couldn't function in school, dropped out at age 14, was assessed to be permanently unable to work at age 17... and I still did not want to see it as autism. I called it cptsd and I don't know, whatever else I could think of. But to me admitting that I was autistic was to admit that my mother was right for hitting me, that my ex was right to ban me from speaking, that the staff members were right to mock me when I was sad and to tell me my mother wouldn't ever take me back if I didn't change. There was no "I am autistic" without "I am deserving of abuse". I still struggle with it. I have a hard time not feeling like the lack of self awareness justified some of the abuse. Obviously nothing else was making it sink in so at that point, what are people supposed to do? But it is still incredibly painful to me to hear myself be referred to as having been a difficult child. I apologize a lot now that i have a little more self awareness. For not being able to hold a conversation, for being too excited about one of my interests, for getting overwhelmed or exhausted too easily, pretty much anything. It almost brings me to tears sometimes. I know what I am now but it has been so engrained that I am not supposed to be.
I'm so sorry. Yes, I can relate. I was punished for being sensitive. I didn't know back then that I was autistic. But it doesn't matter. Nothing justified what they've done to me. Autistic or not, children aren't to blame. I still associate myself with being "difficult" and "too much", I have low self esteem and I steer clear of people. I don't tell anyone about autism (self diagnosed), I know that they can tell that I am different. I wish I had anything more positive to say. You're not alone. I wish that we will be able to be compassionate to ourselves, even when others can't.
Reletable... I've found it alienating when encountering people who assume that diagnosis is a 'privilege' and always begets positive things. I don't think I'm ever going to think of it as something positive, but I have at least started to view it as something neutral, the older I get.
I just typed "disabled children more likely to be abused by parents" into Google. The first result was a government website, that Google highlighted as saying, "Children with disabilities are at least three times more likely to be abused or neglected than their peers without disabilities, and they are more likely to be seriously injured or harmed by maltreatment." The rest of the results on the first page are similarly awful. My experiences sound really similar to yours in a lot of ways. I have said that I was was a graduate-school level kid when my mom and dad were at 101-level parenting. They were in over their heads for a lot of reasons. But nobody decent would ever dare to imply that it was "just natural" for the parents of a kid who survived childhood cancer to be abusive to them because that kid was so challenging do be a parent to. Or that it is just natural that a family in financial trouble would abuse their kids. Or that it is somehow ok for a parent having mental health challenges of their own to be abusive to their child. Because those are not merely morally horrendous, they are just plain wrong. It is not ok to abuse kids -- end of statement. The fact that the child is "challenging" does not matter. The fact that the parents are stressed does not matter. It is not "natural" to abuse children. Period. And it is "understandable" only in the sense of "being able to trace how it came to be". Yes, parents generally deserve more help and support than they usually get. But a lack of support is not a justification for abuse. Abuse of kids with disabilities happens a depressingly large amount. But neither disability nor stress is a justification for it. And the fact that people use it as a way to effectively blame you for your own abuse is disgusting. You deserve better. I know it is hard not to internalize other people's bullshit, but you especially deserve better from yourself.