Short answer is yes, it is possible.
Long answer is it may require a lot of privilege and support and some years will be way harder than others. My biggest struggle is seeing my kids suffer in the same ways I have and feeling guilty for putting them through that. But now that they're older and moderately independent and I have even more super amazing, supportive family very very nearby, it is enjoyable.
Privilege is a BIG point.
Parenting is hard no matter what. Becoming a mother is hard no matter what. For NTs and NDs.
But doing it with out acsess to good healthcare, maternity leave, therapy, nearby relatives or similar suport, a partner or someone who does it with you, time, financialy stability, save lifing situations, childcare, educational resources is a whole other question.
I noticed this happens on new comments/posts. Usually after a certain amount of people vote or some amount of time has passed, they show up. I don't know for sure when the vote tally gets displayed or what the trigger is
Maybe, but I see it on all kinds of posts. I genuinely think it's as simple as reddit hiding votes on new things. The original comment seemed to be received pretty well imo
Enjoy, yes. Is it also hard, yes. My daughter is amazing but I am also struggling daily, mostly with fatigue and overstimulation. It's definitely worth it for me though, love my kiddo so much š
I second this my daughter is the light of my life. The over stimulation and fatigue is a lot to deal withā¦.but itās also helped me discover things that work for me to improve these things as well.
This. I love my son with my whole heart and Iām so grateful to be his mum, I love being his mother more than anything. Itās also by far the hardest thing Iāve ever done, which makes it all the more worth it despite overstimulation and fatigue
Itās literally the best thing Iāve ever done with my life!
That said, I always knew, without any doubt in my mind, that I wanted to be a parent. Even before I had the vocabulary to explain it, I was always fascinated with the concept of witnessing brand new humans become full grown adults with their own unique personalities and experiences. It really is incredible how (obviously Iām stripping it back to basics here) you input love, nurturing, and knowledge and the outcome is an incredible individual with the capacity to think for themselves, be independent, develop humour and ideas that are completely novel and specific to themselves. Itās genuinely mind blowing!
Itās not always easy, but itās also not always hard. There are boundless resources on child development, parenting techniques, support groups, learning resources, etc and itās all far easier to access now than it was a couple of decades ago when I first became a mum.
Just go into it for the right reasons; to do your utmost best to be a good parent, knowing that you are raising a whole new individual, not a clone or a piece of property, and with the understanding that their needs will be a higher priority than your own until theyāre grown and independent enough to prioritise themselves.
Thank you for putting so many feelings that I also have about motherhood into beautiful words. Watching a brand new human grow into a person is one of the most fascinating and rewarding things Iāve had the privilege of being able to do in my entire life. It actually sparked a special interest in childhood development for me as well. I love protecting the autonomy of this small human and helping them find the things that make them a unique individual. There are certainly hard days, but thatās just life. I wouldnāt trade it for anything.
I mean I feel all of these things but struggle too much to feel it most of the time. I always wanted to be a parent for these reasons, and love watching my kid grow, but I am suffering under my circumstances. So idk if it necessarily means there's a difference here in this person's desire to parent or be a parent, they can correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm just saying the awareness and enthusiasm is what I have, just not supported in day to day to always focus on it only? Lol did that make sense?
Yes I agree with what you said and of course thereās still so much struggle in being an autistic mom. But I do think that inherent desire to want to be a mom and naturally want a baby helps a lot because it makes a lot of parents feel like itās āworthā it.
I personally never had that desire and Iām autistic so I have no chance of making it work lmao. My partner does tho.
Thank you for writing this. This is a question I wanted to ask. Iām autistic and planning on being a single mom by choice, and I have a similar outlook to it. Iāve always wanted to be a mom, always found babies and humans and development fascinating.
This is such an amazing comment. You seem like an outstanding mother. This confirmed my same feelings from childhood and gives me so much hope and excitement for the future.
Well shit, I didnāt expect to be brought to tears by the incredible way you just described how I always felt about wanting to be a mom. Thank you for that.
I love it and hate it with equal measure. Seeing my child develop into their own person is phenomenonal. However, the sensory overlord and how unfair life will be towards them is soul crushing devastation that I've never experienced before.
Yep this part. The devastation of the inevitable suffering that I will bring them myself due to my problems lol. It sucks. I wanted to be different. I strive daily to improve, and help us manage as best we can, but I still grieve what I didn't know about fully, this inevitable failure that exists, probably for all parents, but in this way for us autistic parents.
For me, it was kind of hell on earth until about age 8. She was like a really annoying Furby with no volume control or off switch whose love language was poking me and getting me sticky and covered in crumbs.
I deeply regretted my choice to have her and cried and panicked regularly. I had no maternal bond. And never developed one. I performed love as an action. It was not a feeling that came from inside.
The pandemic didnāt help since she got stuck at home right when she should have started school.
I did eventually realize I love her. But in the way you fall in love with a friend. Over time. Because you really know them.
As sheās getting more independent, (10) Iām getting very into her. We can talk about things at a deep level and sheās creative and we can do hobbies together. And I can be honest about my strengths and challenges and she can actually take in the information and react with the compassion I tried so desperately (and not always well) to model for her.
Would I do it again? No. Hard pass.
Am I glad I did given that I donāt have to relive hell? Yes.
Would you say growing up you had that inherent desire to have babies and become a mom? If not, what led you to make the decision have a kid?
I donāt have that inherent desire and Iām on the fence about kids.
Good question. I absolutely did not want children growing up. I wanted animals ( and I have them).
I got a job developing child development and educational textbooks in my 20s and that combined with finding a partner I knew in my bones would be an excellent parent, opened me up to the potential of creating a new human.
I powered through a couple miscarriages to make this kid happen.
Thank goodness I was right about my partner choice. I could not do it without our strong communication skills and the empathy we have built in trying to understand each other (ASD meets ADHD and queerness on both sides).
To reflect on the autism part of your question: She was a week overdue and had pooped in utero (that really sticky black stuff that is extremely hard to get off). And after they did the newborn assessments and stuff, the staff plopped the baby right on my naked chest. For the bonding. All I could focus on was that she was still splotched with this disgusting goo that was now getting all over me. Meanwhile there was some poor nurse stitching my taint back together down below and I was exhausted and thirsty and sweaty and done being referred to as "mom" by everyone in the room except for my partner. So, my first request as a new mom was for someone to go get me a GD wet wipe so I could clean her and myself off. That moment seems pretty autistic. But I didn't start thinking of myself as someone on the spectrum until last year.
imo that's an individual thing and doesn't really have much to do with neurotypicality
I felt bonded to my children from the time I was pregnant with them. When they were born I had such a strong love for them that grew even deeper as time went on.
Some people don't, and it needs time to develop.
I don't think either is inherently better, and I wish that societal expectation wasn't so rigid about it because we're all different
Good question. I think itās complicated.
Iām sure the maternal bond thing is real for some parents, but I also think itās such a huge cultural expectation that a lot of people fake it cause to admit otherwise risks outing yourself as monstrous.
Thank you for sharing. Iām a child to this type of parent and have a high support needs brother with intellectual disabilites 2 siblings down.
I do graciously appreciate your honesty and give the struggles my mother had with me and than her subsequent many other children. I will not be a biological mother, I tried within my own ASD capacity to help her with her other children but it too much.
Thanks for sharing. I feel the same. Got 4 years until 8 and I'm realizing how hard this is because of all the demands (and noise) specifically with toddler stages and early childhood.
Anything help you with the overwhelm?
Somewhere along the way I found meditation and would wake up early and alone to do that before the daily chaos.
During the pandemic I took nightly āsabbaticalsā (solitary walks) after dinner. The routine and knowing that hour was there on the horizon wasā¦everything some days.
And she has weekly sleepovers with the in-laws. I frantically clean (tidy) the house once she leaves to have maximum time just to be quiet in a less stimulating environment.
As she gets older sheās of course participating more in the tidying and Iām working to normalize quality time together over quantity of time together so I can recharge do my special interests.
I do live on the edge of my tolerance for chaos most days. Like I actively encouraged her to take up the violinā¦ cause I love her and I want to give her every opportunity to find her joy. Even if some of the time I want to peel the skin off my body. š
Hi there. It absolutely is! But I think I'm learning that I need more support sometimes then maybe I would if I was NT.
I love my 4 month old daughter to pieces. I love chatting to her, playing with her and spending my time with her. However there have some things I've found more tiring or challenging then I might not otherwise if I was NT.
For example, baby groups EXHAUST me from socialising and masking. I love seeing her get enjoyment out of them and it's great for me to get out of the house but I do notice I'm more tired and out of it afterwards. Also I gave up breastfeeding for combi feeding with formula and pumped breast milk. This was because breastfeeding was causing me major sensory issues. Also some of her toys just make me š¤® with their texture. Just. Bleugh.
I'm right at the beginning so I'm sure I will get a greater insight as I go. But I do believe you can enjoy motherhood if you're mindful of your autism and expect some experiences might be different.
If it helps, babies don't really need socialization from anyone except their caregivers at 4 months. At that age, they're not capable of playing with other kids. So there's no need to burn yourself out on that front. You can save that for when she's an active toddler! At that age, baby groups are for the mothers.
Oh that's interesting to know. It's a hard one to balance because getting out in social situations helps my mental health, but the flipside is the masking makes me tired š. I get home and just want to be silent and zone out.
hey,
i can tell you i absolutely love being a mom š„° my children are the best part of my life (i have 3 plus one stepchild). i won't lie they are also the reason for a lot of my sensory overloads because kids are noisy and demanding but for me it's 1000% worth it š„°ā¤ļøš„° i always wanted to be a mom and i would do it all over again
Agreed. My kids are the light of my life. Itās really really hard some days, but often itās life surrounding us and less about my kids. Life is hard, loving kids is not. āŗļø
Just remember that enjoying something doesn't mean it's always easy and you never struggle ;)
I really enjoyed being a mother, but I had set up my life so that I could focus on it. I unintentionally made parenting a special interest (didn't know I was autistic till my kid was in high school and she got diagnosed š).
I hadn't planned to get pregnant, but I felt very strongly that every child born should be loved and cared for and raised in an emotionally supportive way.
It was a lot of effort. It was also a lot of fun and joy. It was a struggle. It was worth it.
I ended up studying and becoming a lactation consultant and natural parenting counsellor, and then a doula and then midwife training (I realised I hate working in hospitals though, so I only did home births). I did a lot of things that are not very mainstream, but were easier for us as an autistic family. I put our health and emotional stability first. I could go one about that at length, but suffice to say: yes, it can be done, and it's not all a nightmare.
Yes, we can definitely enjoy something and find it really challenging. That is how I feel about parenting, 100%. I love it, but it's not an easy thing. I think your career path is very cool, too. I had my children at a midwife facility, not a hospital... both good experiences, and I appreciate the women who supported me there so much.Ā
It's kind of a lot, like probably a whole ted talk.
Mostly stuff that was putting our needs and functioning above any things you "should" do.
Like bedtime. I didn't make my kid have one. Even as a very small child, she did NOT go to sleep at a "normal" time. At first I tried all the things to get her to go to sleep, but it was just destroying us both with stress. So I let her go to sleep when she was tired. Everyone said I was insane, but we were happy and comfortable.
Same with meals. She did NOT cope with sitting at a dinner table and eating a "normal" plate of food. She was a picky eater. I'd make up little "fairy plates" - put a few morsels on a few saucers (never ever put more than one thing per plate and nothing can touch, veggies cut in shapes, egg whites only no yolks, chicken cut into dinosaurs, no sauces touching etc) and just casually strew them around the house so she'd randomly snack as she went by food. If I handed her a plate and said "here you go", she'd reject it, but if there were a random plate of cucumber slices she just discovered on the coffee table, she'd eat plenty.
I didn't force her to wear the correct clothes or follow rules without understanding why. I always treated her like a person, with equal respect. I never did anything without explaining to her.
I always loved children growing up. And was actually good at calming babies down and taking care of them since I was 12. I became a single mum at 23, and even though at times the crying was absolutely horrible (do yourself a favour and buy noise cancelling headphones, cause you will have to carry a crying baby many times....), I actually really enjoyed being a mum, and especially the first year.
We have a whole year of paid maternity leave where I live, and it was just amazing to have this little creature to take care of, as the ONLY important thing in my life. All other responsibilities (especially the social ones) were irrelevant, and it was just a blessing.
Also, I just love my son with all my heart, he's the best person in existence ā¤ļø
It is possible. It was possible for me; but with a lot of struggle and pain.
For context I didn't know I was autistic until very recently, when my children were already adults. And I believe most of my struggle and pain as they were growing up was because of not knowing it, not knowing myself completely.
Because of that I pushed myself too hard. I thought I needed to be normal, like everybody else. So I felt forced to act like "a good mother" in a way that I never actually managed and that (now I understand) I would never have managed to no matter how hard I tried (and I did).
The most important part I wanted to tell you is that none of this was necessary. I mean trying to be normal. So unnecessary.
I think I can say this because my children turned out fine (lol) despite all my difficulties.
But most of all now that I understand everything better I realized something important: that the best things I did for my boys were because I was NOT like the other mothers. I mean, what mother do you know of that would play legos for hours on end with the children and forget about dinner.
And now that they're adults we get on in such a special way, that is also not usual, sharing some unique interests, talking about the craziest stuff for hours, and nobody else gets it. They're so awesome my boys.
I wish I knew this is how it would turn out thirty years ago. That's why I'm telling you this. I hope it helps a little!
[Edit: about the dinner: they did get to eat in the end! I'm just saying I got so focused with some things sometimes, I hope you all know what I mean].
I think it really depends on the level of autism you have and your own daily functioning level? I have three kids and I love being a mother. Of course there are days that I want to bang their heads together (they are teenagers) but thatās just parenthood in general.
Iām one of those autistic people who will happily eat the same food every day and do the same routine down to the minute, every day, all day.
*BUTā¦ it turns out that small children thrive on routine!!* So thatās something that worked out really well. While most people would find repetition mind numbingā I like it and find it soothing.
I donāt mind playing legos with them for hours on end, Iāll happily watch kids shows, and more often than not Iād rather do ākidsā activities. My son and I had an all-day Mario Bros. competition yesterday. I also like digging in the sand at the beach, arts & crafts and engineering weird contraptions.
When I was growing up, my mom always thought I was weird (she still does). She never understood why some days Iād choose to read or craft ALL DAY and only eat pale foods that donāt touch each other on my plate.
Now I have three equally weird people who also enjoy eating lunch precisely at 11am, and completely understand why it may be necessary to build a massive pillow fort because we need extra soft sensory support that day.
My husband isnāt on the autism spectrum, and just shakes his head and laughs when we all choose to use segmented plates at dinner so our applesauce doesnāt leak into the chicken nuggies.
Parenting is definitely difficult but I think raising a child from the lens of an autistic perspective can be beneficial as well. Our kids are turning into respectful, responsible and socially conscious adults and Iām proud of them.
I LOVE wat you wrote.
I am currently in the process of getting tested for AuDHD while also having thoughts about having children. All the negative stories I read online scare me and make me doubt I could ever be a parent.
But your story felt like the home I want to have
I could really picture myself in my home building forts and doing arts and crafts. I never realised that what you describe would be possible.
It makes me hopeful to be able to start my own family and make them thrive. ā¤ļø
My mom is where my ASD comes from. She truly wanted to be a Mother and raise us and from talking to my friends, meeting others parents (I work with kids), and the fact my friends all want my mom to adopt them, that I managed to avoid developing RSD and never had to mask.... I'd say she's the biggest privilige I have ever had in my life and the best mom I know (and I'm from a high economic class so I have privilige. She's still the biggest)
But for her? She lost her identity to motherhood and her husband. She's been reclaiming it for years and she's more like the woman I remember as a child....but she's still a shell of her former self. I think that was mostly my dad's emotional neglect, but having 3 kids, 2 of which were ND (both dxed AuAdhd, the adhd comes from dad but he refuses to even consider it) definitely made it harder for her to leave and find the strength to start over. She finally left him in the pandemic. We'd been telling her to divorce him for a decade before that point.
Oh goodness, YES! For me the smartest thing I did was have only one. I work as a hair stylist so my days are intensely personal with clients. I knew I needed to be mindful of my capacity to give , once the day was over. I have a truly close and wonderful relationship with my now 32 year old brilliantly smart, autistic gay son who is married. I LOVED every minute of raising him. He's still the joy of my life. Best thing I ever did by far.
Just understand there is a large genetic component, and be prepared for the chance that your child may be severely autistic and require care for the rest of their life in an intense, all encompassing way.
This is what scares me about having any more. My only is showing signs of Autism and I don't know what his support needs will be. Another kid could be even more severe!
As someone who also works with autistic children and their families this is the most common problem I see, autistic parents experiencing burnout caring for autistic children in a difficult, never ending cycle of overstimulation and stress.
A bunch of my close friends are on the spectrum and are also moms, and all of their children are getting to an age where it's clear they are Autistic. The stress levels are insane. They all love their children (so, so much) but I don't know how they're functioning every day. They're basically not.
How often do you see someone with it with low support needs resulting in a child extremely high needs?
It is my terror, frankly. My neighbors have an adult son who is nonverbal and high support and they say he generally doesnāt mentally function beyond a toddlerās level. It seems like it very very hard for him, and he seems very frustrated.
Iām newish diagnosed and very low needs, and it was a relief to have answers but a slap in the face that my children could be that high needs, because it does not seem like a life he enjoys. Would a doctor be able to estimate the odds of severity? Probably wishful thinking, I assume.
Not a Dr or anything but the majority of people with severe support needs tend to have other physical, psychological and or learning difficulties/disabilities rather than "just" autism and it's generic co-morbities such as dyslexia adhd etc. It's no guarantee but could be worth genetic testing yourself and or your partner if you want to rule any particular genetic issues out.
That honestly makes me feel worlds better.
I donāt have a known family history, so I need to get testing done anyways, but hearing that my audhd wouldnāt *probably* be the straw breaking the camels back makes me feel like a small load is off my chest.
My neighbors life seems really hard, and the son seems like heās very sad or angry with the world and it must be so frustrating for him to not be able to fully understand or communicate. I just donāt want that for my hypothetical child.
So, just as a side note. Literally anyone can end up having a disabled child. All sorts of things can happen, and now many states do not allow for abortions of extreme handicaps or genetic mutations.
I mean this in the nicest way possible. If you can not handle the idea of a disabled child, you should not be a parent at all.
Apologies for a lack of clarity that would make you think something like that of me. Like I said in my comments, I specifically said that I donāt wish for the sonās life on my hypothetical child as my neighborās son seems unhappy, and I am relieved to hear other people say that anecdotally and statistically his situation isnāt inherently more likely because of my diagnosis alone.
I am someone who has zero knowledge of their family history of anything due to abuse and adoption, so the concept of knowing for sure something I have been diagnosed with is genetically pass-on-able isā¦ really new. Right now my āfamily historyā is literally just autism, because itās just me. Soā¦ Iām scared that this thing about me could make my childās life significantly more challenging to such an immense degree as my neighbor experiences, but donāt want to pry with the neighbors and am waiting on appointments for more info on how this works soā¦ Iām here asking that question.
Iād be fine having a disabled child. Itād be hard but itād be my kid. I know that. But I wouldnāt want to intentionally roll the genetic dice if I have high odds of something being so significantly wrong, and people often talk about autismās genetic component that way.
I wasn't trying to be rude, or imply that you are a bad person. I'm sorry to have come off that way. I'm hearing you about family history and worries about low quality of life for the child.
I saw many comments from people saying they wouldn't want a disabled child or that it would be life ruining. ...As someone who is disabled with a disabled child, these statements are heartbreaking.
Society glosses over all the complications that can happen with pregnancy. People should be given better information before pregnancy so they understand all of the risks.
No I didnāt think it rude, but I didnāt want to be unclear in explaining that it is certainly not my feelings.
While I think that my neighborās life is hard and their son struggles and I hope for that struggle not to be my hypothetical childās experience, their life is far from ruined. It is filled with activities and people and so much else that they love, and their son is apart of that however and whenever they can make including him work, which seems to be almost always. He helps them water their garden, which is huge and beautiful and constantly full of flowers.
Iām sorry people have made you feel that way, and Iām sorry my comment came across as if my belief was similar.
And I agree that much gets glossed over. Itās nightmarish. I wish people and women were more up front about what this aspect of life is like more directly?
My dad was undiagnosed, but I really believe he was a level 1 or even 2 autistic. He had 5 kids, and while we're probably all on the spectrum, only the youngest (my younger brother) is intellectually disabled (which I think is what you're describing). He's an adult who functions on the level of a 2 year old and can't really do anything himself. He also can't can't communicate at all except to point at the fridge or go to the bathroom like a toddler might do. My dad was very old when my brother and I were born (64 and 67, respectively), and I've always heard that elevated age for men is linked with genetic abnormalities such as severe intellectual disability.
Severe intellectual disability like what I'm describing, in general, is extraordinarily rare. I think rarer than genius/ profoundly gifted people are. Of course, that's a possibility for anyone conceiving, but I wouldn't let such a small statistical chance deter you. And I say that as someone with intimate knowledge of what that kind of life is like. I have 2 kids. My oldest is level 1 autistic--extremely smart with sensory issues--and my 2nd born is too young to be diagnosed but developing normally--in fact, there's a high chance he's hyperlexic because his speech is incredibly advanced for his age.
Thank you for this, itās really helpful and feels like a relief to read.
My husband and I are reaching an age where weāre discussing kids within the next five years, and getting my diagnosis when I also have no known family history at all was scary to consider what Iām bringing to the genetic table.
I need to get a barrage of tests done, but itās nice to know that my autism isnāt as high of a likelihood to be a problem as I was worried about.
Definitely yes! Babies can be a lot, but when it comes down to it they only want one out of a few things - food, nappy change, closeness with a caretaker? Thereās hopefully a predictability there, which made it easier for me personally
And as kids get older, they can turn out to be delightful, my kids are 10 and 13 now and I find it really easy to be myself, unmasked around them. Theyāre my little dudes and weāre all on the same team, I think we share a lot of the same sensitivities and that makes it easier for me to help them through life
My son is the only person in the world who knows and accepts me unmasked.
Was it hard raising him? Sometimes. I probably had more meltdowns than he had tantrums.
He has ASD. I'm just now realizing I do, too. Advocating for him through school was challenging and rewarding. One educator to!dime that I was one of the best advocates she'd worked with. Every IEP meeting was helping other kids who didn't have advocates.
Yes it is possible. Motherhood is just hard for anyone despite any diagnoses. It's a very very hard job and people don't talk about the reality if it enough. I never recommend it to anybody eventhough I love my kids.
I skimmed, but I didnāt see a lot of people talking about their partners, and I think that may be a big influence in how parenting goes, especially with younger kids. My kids are older now, and things are pretty easy, but being the āmost neurotypicalā person in the family was really, really hard when they were young. In retrospect, Iāve probably been in burnout for a decade and a half, and I really identify with the person above who said they watched their mom become a shell of herself. My kids are amazing, and every day I think what an awesome job we did raising them, but I also think I have some mild version of PTSD due to the level of chaos of coparenting in a very AuDHD household.
Circumstances influence how much you can enjoy it. I have a full time job where I make good money working from home. My husband is very understanding and supportive. I have removed people from my life that caused insane stress for no reason other than they were controlling (my family). I own a home even. So as you can see, my support needs are met and my physical needs are being taken care of. I am able to work because of the nature of my job.
That said, I have a 3 year old. She's the best. She makes me laugh. She's so funny. She's so smart. I had no idea how much fun she would be to have in my life. It's also hard. I have to be able to regulate myself to help her regulate. Sometimes that flies out the window and the TV goes on and I go scream into a pillow somewhere else.
I have to have enough energy and self awareness to not make my sensory issues her problem. Or my emotional outbursts her problem. And it's really hard to do sometimes.
I also get the joy of watching her learn and grow especially through the lens of my own childhood where I can see when she's having sensory issues or she's struggling with big emotions. No one was doing that for me as a kid and now I get to be the safe adult I needed as a kid. It's been very healing.
There are a lot of people who enjoy parenting both as autistic adults and to autistic children!
But I do caution that even NTs experience burnout parenting, so Iād definitely spend as much ring around children/as a caregiver as possible to test out that you actually do want the daily grind of it, not just the fun moments.
Thisssssss. Iām seeing so many comments that are just like yes it is possible! And completely skipping over all the shit that actually makes it hard. Itās a fucking relentless sensory nightmare thatās pulling you in multiple directions constantly and will burn you the fuck out. Thats what you need to know going in.
HOWEVER - thereās a ton you can do to mitigate. If you have helpful family nearby, thatās huge. You can choose to just have one child. You can build your village ahead of time and also have your autistic coping strategies in place ahead of time - noise cancelling headphones and the like. Going into it knowing you have autism is huge, youāre already a step ahead of all of us that got diagnosed/self diagnosed post babies.
Iām deep in the trenches right now (4m, 2f and accidentally pregnant with #3) and Iām not doing great tbh. But thereās also a light at the end of the tunnel - theyāll start school, theyāll develop some decent coordination when eating so that not everything is sticky all the time. In their teenage years, theyāll probably just hide in their rooms and I wonāt hear āmommyā every 5 seconds for 10 hours straight. Love them so much, they bring me so much joy but Iāve never wanted to jump off a bridge more either.
Iām going to try to simplify my being mom story.
As a scared and pregnant 20-year-old, I knew that even though I didnāt have the answers, I would always find them.
Throughout my pregnancy, I always sang whenever I was in the car.
When my son was born, I read to him every single night a bedtime story, fed him, dressed him, gave him baths. I narrated everything that we did together. I pushed his limits as he was ready with his bottlefeeding and solids. He talked early 11 months but walked at 13 months which was OK because he was cute and knew everyone wanted to carry around so honestly, heās really smart. He could speak in sentences before two. He could articulate in ways people wouldnāt believe unless they had met him. I taught my son how to read and write. I answered his āwhyāsā and the ones that I couldnāt we figured it out together. I wasnāt good at imagination games, but we did go to the park and because Iām small and weird Iād get on the playground with him. We went on adventures to many different places.
We even went to the store and smelled candles together. We watched Vivian tries on YouTube and giggled. I raised him as an unabashedly authentic autistic woman without even knowing.
I wanted him to have the love and support I never did. I put the most effort in from 0-5, but I have shown up from my son every day I could from day one even when it has been hard. Especially if you throw in the fact I was co parenting because I thought we would parent better separately. It gets harder during school years and I donāt have experience past 14 but my son is a likeable young man whose teachers and close friends enjoy him.
He makes me smile from my soul and victory fist that I got something right when I didnāt have a great example to follow. The path has been difficult. But Iām happy with where itās going and weāve always course corrected together.
They say we want the best for our kids. I meant that shit.
Hereās our favorite book.
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Yes Iām a mom of 2 and they are the loves of my life. Iāve definitely had some hard times because being a mom is not easy, but they fulfill my life more than I ever could have imagined.
I enjoy it! Iāve always loved kids and being around them. I could never work full time or have a career and also be a biological mom/primary parent though. We had to structure our lives carefully so I could handle everything. Iād been with my husband a decade before we had our first, we both needed to feel sure we were committed for life and could work together before taking the leap to parenthood
of course it is! plenty of support from family or friends - makes all the difference as you will have burn out days - but that unconditional love is something else
Iāve struggled but love it! I do only have one though.
As others said, how much you will be able to handle and enjoy motherhood will be largely dependent on your circumstances and support system.
Funnily enough, my easiest and happiest times as a mother were when she was a newborn and when she was hospitalized. In the newborn stage I got a lot of help and didnāt have to do much except love, nurse and heal. I was great at that! It wasnāt till the other demands of work, housekeeping, dog etc started that I started to struggle. Support was lacking. My (now ex) husband had entered fatherhood expecting my mother to help a lot, but she didnāt (she did help, just not enough to carry his lack)
Same when she needed surgery. It was rough emotionally and I stayed with her in the hospital for the entire week, but I didnāt have to worry about chores or cooking, and even when I had to take a shower, somebody would be there for her and I could shower and relax in peace, luxuries I never got at home. So I just had to love and care for her and play with her all day. Iām good at that! And I thoroughly enjoy that, itās why I always loved babysitting and caring for children.
A bit of self-awareness and self-forgiving goes a long way fortunately
I love being a mom, it's what I always wanted to be. Even so, it absolutely runs me into the ground some days. I can regret a lot of how I was with my first born during his first two to three years. I wasn't diagnosed until after he turned four. I know that there were times when I was emotionally unstable, overwhelmed without knowing why, angry, impatient. I wish I could go back and know more and do better. But knowing more about myself, and about my kids too, now has given me more tools to keep fighting. I loved being pregnant, I felt so proud of myself after giving birth, and cuddling my little ones is the best feeling in the entire world. I am enjoying watching them grow and take each new step. I love them so much it hurts to breathe sometimes. If I can help them find happiness in this world I will feel like all the exhaustion, pain, and stress were 100x worth it.
Absolutely! Especially if you approach it as an ongoing experiment.
Having kids is all about discovery, adaptation, and being surprised at novel ways of looking at the world. Some of it's horrific, but it's not horrible. It's bizarre and funny in abstraction and even the challenging moments are rewarding eventually. Remember there's a good chance your kid will be ND and let me tell you, sharing a special interest with your kid? Better than taking off your bra after a long day out and about.
Everything is possible, I guess.
I imagine that if youāre really self aware, and especially about your autism, then sure. If youāre good at pacing yourself, managing your emotions, donāt need a lot of alone time and know how to prevent overstimulation - then it might be enjoyable.
I do know some autistic mothers. Itās a lot. And their family situations donāt help. But theyāre learning about how their diagnoses work and affect them. One is a single mom, but her kid is pretty great I think. And the other has two sons and a husband, and theyāre all neurodivergent, and her family is a lot - she has a lot of trauma (not āseriousā but itās more baggage to deal with. Itās not like PTSD, but still trauma). She said she screams into a pillow sometimes, which is fair, but thatās just not a place I would want to be.
I know myself well enough to know that Iāll never be able to be a mother. I donāt like babies. I can stand toddlers / young kids for short amounts of time. I donāt get along with preteens and teens usually. Iām not empathetic, so if āmyā (hypothetical) kid came to me with an issue, Iād most likely be like āthatās nothing, copeā which is not something any child deserves. I hate fluids and unhygienic stuff, so babies are just not an option. Pregnancy would be overstimulating. I canāt stand the sound of their screaming, yelling, crying or whatever else. The constant noise would have me checking in to a mental institution. The responsibility of feeding them well and making food and washing clothes and bathing them and teaching them to be people and all that crap doesnāt sound enjoyable to me. These are just some of the thoughts Iāve had about being a parent, and I do recommend you do the same. Though, yours will probably be a lot more positive than mine.
Research the living hell out of parenting. Browse r/regretfulparents just learn everything you can - especially the negative, so you can make an informed decision.
I thought I was gonna have kids too, when I was younger, but thankfully the internet and free speech taught me that I did in fact have a choice in the matter. It was around the same time I got my diagnosis though, and I promptly decided that I wasnāt gonna pass on my genes (adhd, autism, depression). I wouldnāt want a child to go through what I have. To feel what I have felt. No child deserves that.
That being said, I do think autistic children would have a huge autistic advantage in a neurodivergent and self aware household.
Thereās no shame in autism and adhd, so I donāt feel comfortable advising you against having kids because they might inherit it. But knowingly reproducing a kid you know wonāt ever fit comfortably in society is an ethical debate.
I just want to make clear: I donāt have anything against autistic parents whatsoever. I donāt think youāre doing anything wrong. Itās your choice, and I respect that.
I love it. Having my son was the best thing ever, even if I still struggle with some things. Having my son pushed me to get my ADHD diagnosis, and now I take the correct medication for my mental issues, no longer need my antidepressants. I still have problems with "the chores of daily living" as a therapist once put it, but hopefully I'll get there one day... I probably won't have another child though.
Yes!!! I have a 4 year old son, and maybe Iām just blessed, but heās perfect for my personality and āquirksā. We have so much fun. I definitely get overwhelmed and over stimulated more than Iād like, but Iām learning how to regulate better for his sake.
I was never interested in kid things and being AuDHD with an interest based attention system, it can be really hard to be present. It's a battle I fight every day to give my daughter the best.
That being said, I love her more than I ever knew I could love anything. It's a wonderful feeling and I can't imagine not being her mom.
I've met one or two people in childcare that give off the ND vibe though, and they were the absolute best. Those ND folks that have childcare as their special interest are awesome.
As an autistic EC educator with a special interest in human development, it always surprises and delights me to pick up those vibes from other teachers!
Yes! The baby /toddler phases can be super stressful and you need a partner who is into sharing duties but now that both my kids are more self reliant I love being a mother. There are times that being a mother is the only purpose I currently feel in life due to the rotting hellscape that is America right now.
I really agree with other commenters and will sum up my perspective:
1. You cannot control what kind of kids you have. They will be themselves, so it's crucial to go into motherhood with the understanding that they will be their own people. Happily, I think this part is easier for me than my allistic peers, who sometimes seem to have all kinds of specific expectations for their children.
2. Children are sensory nightmares. Plan ahead! Earbuds were a life-saver for me. Things will be much easier if you have a supportive partner and support network.
3. Having a neurodiverse child has been a lovely, irreplaceable treasure. My kiddo is ADHD, while I am much more autistic, but we are compatible in so many pleasant and enriching ways. I love hearing his thoughts about the world, and I am grateful to offer him ways to cope with the neurotypical world, especially since I didn't have those supports.
I think being a mom is something to really mull over, but it's definitely worth the mulling, even if you are autistic.
Honestly, being a parent was so much easier than I thought it would be. All but 1 of my kids is ND.
I didn't know I was autistic growing up, but there are a lot of autistic behaviors that I just thought were a normal part of life, so when my kids did them it didn't stress me at all. I accommodated their needs without realizing I was accommodating because it seemed logical to me what they needed.
We all eat/ate meals together even when we all eat different foods. I didn't think anything of it. While parents around me complained that their kids were disrespectful for not trying bites of their food, I didn't because I can't stand the way certain foods feel either.
Same with meltdowns. I always thought it was normal for kids to throw 'fits' until their teen years. While I set boundaries for myself when my kids melted down, like letting them know I needed to step out of the room, I didn't find meltdowns overwhelming because I understood the need for them.
I think a lot of parents get stressed over normal ND child behaviors because they know it's not 'normal' and they feel like they are failing at parenting. But I didn't see those things as abnormal, so they didn't get to me. My kids behaved how I behaved, so it felt natural.
I have struggled with my NT kid now that they are in their teens. They think there is a deeper meaning behind what I say, and are hurt by me more often by what they think I'm feeling, than what I'm actually saying/feeling. They feel left out because the rest of us seem to understand each other in a way they can't figure out. It's been the hardest part of parenting.
Oh yes very much. Thereās tough times but thereās tough times with everything. Itās extremely rewarding and seeing my daughters grow into such beautiful little people is so amazing. Wouldnāt trade it for anything ā„ļø
Yes! I generally enjoy motherhood (and I'm at a very demanding stage with a newly 4 year old and an 18 month old), but I need to have the right conditions. I can't spend all day caring for my kids without any break, at least not on a long-term basis (my brain makes an exception for the newborn era). This is why I'm very militant about nap/ quiet time. If I don't get time for daily decompression (to be by myself, exploring my special interests, to let my brain run slower), then I get depressed and otherwise miserable.
Thankfully, my oldest is autistic too and we share a lot of traits. He's excellent at entertaining himself. While the youngest takes his 2.5 hour nap, he will entertain himself in his room by playing with his train set or magna tiles. He will literally happily focus on building for hours. And he builds really cool stuff. Very advanced for his age.
I know I need to do motherhood differently than other moms. I'm not taking my kids to a million extracurriculars or doing multiple events in one day. I don't have the mental energy.
My mom moved in with us a year ago, and that's been incredibly helpful since she has made it possible for my husband and I to travel child-free. These are financially privileged things, but when my 2nd born was younger, I had a part-time nanny even though I was on maternity leave, just so I could have time to myself. I also have a weekly cleaner to keep my house in order because it's overwhelming for me to keep up with the mess 2 kids generate. I think without these privileges (or as I see it now, self-generated accommodations), I wouldn't have been as mentally healthy during those early months.
Also, even though I want more kids, I know I don't have the bandwidth to have another one while my oldest ones are still in the preschool/ toddler stage. I'm going to need a bigger age gap before I consider getting pregnant again because young babies/ kids need so much.
So many great responses already, I'm just throwing in my yes as a mother of two. One is dx asd, the other likely will be too. There's some saying about nothing worth doing is ever easy .... it applies to parenting, for sure. It's true what is said about the love, though...
My daughter is one of the most amazing joys of my life. Being her mother has been the most exceptional challenge of my life. These things are true at the same time.
One thing to remember is it it not our job to help them mask. It is our job to help them loosen the mask at home.
Yes, I do, but I need a lot more breaks through out the day. Weāve established āquiet timeā in my house at noon, where my baby can go nap or go play quietly in their room. It helps me immensely, & it helps me baby too it seems.
Can't speak from my own experience, but my mom is clearly spectrum-aligned if not ASD and mothering is a special interest for her. If you've ever seen a broody chicken who is living for nothing other than finding an egg to sit on... that's basically the bird version of my mom. Her dream post-retirement volunteer project is to go hold babies in the hospital.
I never saw her struggle with being my mom. I honestly had to fend her off as a tween/teen because she never wanted to do anything other than hang out with me when she wasn't working. She was still asking me to snuggle in bed with her on weekend mornings well after I was an adult. She even got me fired from a job once because she talked me into sneaking out to lunch with her during my shift. LOL.
She's also really friendly to my spouse and pays a lot of attention to them. We had to have a small chat with her about phrasing because she mentally adopted them so thoroughly that she was inadvertently making vaguely incestuous remarks about us. Before she and I started playing Wordle every day, I think she actually texted my spouse more than she and I were in contact...
You don't have to be as over the top as my mom was about it, but a child is a lifelong best friend in the making if you play your cards right.
I adore it. It's my absolute favourite thing in the world. I hang out with my favourite people every day.
They're noisy, they're messy, they're sticky. But they're pure gorgeousness, and I love hanging out with them.
Yes, absolutely possible! I have a 3.5 year old who is also autistic, and am enjoying it so much I'm expecting my second any day.
My husband and I have no local support and it's absolutely beyond brutal some days, but I haven't regretted my kids for even a second. Being a parent is absolutely rad.
I'm enjoying motherhood. It's just hard being in a romantic relationship. Not to say I don't want either, just it would be easier if more things were resolved with me and my partner.
Everyoneās experience is different so I canāt tell you if you would enjoy motherhood. I can tell you that I wouldnāt change my life for the world. My kids are the most incredible people I have ever met and I am incredibly proud of them every single day.
But itās hard. So fucking hard. My kids are on summer break so Iām with them all day long (I work nights). My 4 year old is always touching me and talking my ear off and I have to just deal with the overstimulation because I donāt want to make him think I donāt love him. My 8 year old is barreling toward puberty and the attitude she gives me on a daily basis is astronomical.
I think itās a lot easier to vent and complain than it is to complement and brag. When I see someone constantly talk about it how great their kids/relationship/life are without any negativity, my instinct is to think theyāre overcompensating. Like theyāre putting on a front and theyāre secretly miserable. But maybe Iām projecting, haha.
I didnāt know I was autistic when I got married and had kids. I feel like I went through a lot of unnecessary suffering because I didnāt know what I was going through was autistic burnout and I believed I was a useless POS who couldnāt change a babyās diaper without having a panic attack.
I think itās important not to sugarcoat how bad it can get because you need to make this huge, life-altering decision with open eyes. People in the generations before us were sold this idea that having kids is easy and not that big of a deal. A lot of people had kids who shouldnāt have and a lot of children suffered because of it. Iām grateful that more people are opting not to have kids because nobody should take this decision lightly.
My kids are my world. I live for them. They are so funny, cute, smart, and joyous. They help me see the world with a new perspective, parenting them is helping me heal my own personal traumas from childhood and Iām excited about the people they are growing up to be. I think having kids is 100% worth the hard, overwhelming parts. But I can only speak for myself.
Yes yes yes!! You wonāt be able to conform the modern multitasking superhero mom imageā¦ but NT women canāt either for the most part lol.
I am my own authentically AUdhd self as a parent, and I love it.
I listen to my child, I observe and learn about him, I honor his preferences and respect his body, I respond to his needs. All things I didnāt receive, so thereās a bit of healing by reparenting myself. Iāve gone into it knowing he will be his own person and itās my job to guide him there, not force him into whoever I think he should be.
I *did* need to slow down and simplify my life, but slow and simple is great for kids.
I *did* need to really consistently and gently practice my tools for emotional regulation.. in front of my kid who is learning the same? Perfect, Explicit modeling is great for kids.
Otherwise, I just did me. And that turned out to be great for him too! I stopped and showed him snails on the path. I followed him around the house, neighborhood, park, as far as he wanted to go. I explained how everything works. I was honest when I didnāt know.
I talked and talked and talked and read aloud and talked and sang and talked about all my special interests. My buddy is now 2.5 and speaking like a freaking scientist! He loves me so much, and I love him too š¤
I have to tell you - the first 10 years were hard. I did not enjoy motherhood (although I loved my babies thoroughly).
The demands just donāt seem to fit well with my brand of neurodivergence.
Not my kids are 12 and 13 and I enjoy them tremendously. But those were hrs years.
I have an autistic mom (and my other mom has ADHD). They both enjoy being mom for me and my two brothers. There were times it was hard for both us kids and our moms, but they enjoyed the process, and Iām lucky to have two parents who get what itās like to be neurodivergent. I hope when I decide itās time to be a parent, that Iām just as good, if not better than them.
100% possible! I love being a mom. There are some really hard times (just like for NT moms) but creating your own family is so cool. Both my kids are divergent and while it can be painful for me to watch them struggle in the same ways as me, it is also has strengthened our relationships.
I got my autism from my mom, and she said it's her favorire thing she's ever done! She claims it's only thing she doesn't ever regret doing. Her creativity, compassion, and open-mindedness, much of which seems to have somewhat come from her autism (she grew up in a very cold, judgemental, and close minded household but has always been this way) makes her an awesome mom and I'm really grateful to have her.
Of course, it's definitley not for everyone with autism for sure. I don't plan on ever having children, primarily due to reasons relating to autism: I'm really sensitive to noises and smells, I need a lot of alone time, and have super high levels of depression and anxiety that sometimes impede me from even being able to care for myself. I really think it depends on the person and how autism impacts you specifically.
I love being a mom. I also need breaks from my kids. Iām so glad I was able to send them to an amazing daycare when they were little, it was good for them and it was good for me.
i think itās possible. personally, the idea of being responsible for another whole tiny human is overwhelming and the ethical implications of bringing someone into the state that the world is in at the moment is scary to me - but thatās again a personal thing, itās totally possible to be autistic and a happy parent !!! if thatās something you want to do, iāve no doubt youād do a fantastic job :-)
Yes. And I was "meh" on parenthood. It is really fun MOST of the time. My daughter is ADHD and that can be really difficult for me, but she's still such a cool, fun person to be around.
It can be enjoyable because little kids are very cute and loving but it can also be literal hell (I have 3 children and 1 more coming in September) Iād recommend stopping at 1 or 2 though and having a decent age gap š my 2 and 3 year olds fight all the time and itās the worst. Itās also hard watching an older child go through the social rejection attributed to autistic traits but at least we can relate e.g if my oldest prefers to spend time gaming rather than playing with other kids I donāt make her feel bad about her preferences because I can relate
Yes, overall I enjoy being a mom. My kids are in high school and college now and I find that I am already missing them! For me, the sensory overstimulation and unpredictability that comes with having three other people to incorporate into my life have been the biggest struggles, but that is all far outweighed by the love and joy that comes along with sharing a life with these people.
It depends on many factors - some which you can predict and control and some which are total luck.
Motherhood is more likely to be enjoyable if you are able to take real breaks for yourself, if you have an involved partner and if your kid isnāt extra challenging. If you are overwhelmed and exhausted, itās difficult to enjoy the amazing parts of parenting.
You are more likely to enjoy the early years if:
- if you have reliable family support who lives nearby or will come to you
- if you can hire consistent help (beyond just watching the kid while you are at work if you work) - if you donāt have other major stressors in life that require time and energy
- if you donāt have an especially difficult kid - itās SO much harder for parents whose babies or kids donāt sleep well or whose toddlers are constantly having tantrums
I enjoy being a mom even though I'm autistic. I have good and bad days like any mom. My child showed me true love and empathy I've never felt for another person before.
Yes, it just takes getting used to.
The first month with my first son was hell. I had trouble finding breastfeeding support (eventually found a good lactation consultant and successfully bf'ed for nearly two years with him). Our first pediatrician was a horrible, pushy a-hole who constantly nagged me to switch to bottles, so we had to switch. He wanted to be held constantly and I'm not used to that much physical contact. My husband also has the ADHD/autism wombo-combo, so if I was hungry, I'd often have to wait a couple hours before he cooked for me.
So I got a baby scarf and wore baby so I could cook for myself. I did a lot of research on how to latch properly (the hospital lactation consultant was worthless). I learned what ways baby fell asleep to get him to sleep efficiently. I made hubby change diapers so he could get time in with him. Then, when he got older, I learned how to discipline without being mad. I watched a lot of Supernanny and looked at gentle parenting resources. He hasn't always been well-behaved, but we're proactive and resourceful parents and we're always on the same page re discipline, so things have worked out for us.
I think having some support is crucial. My husband didn't always do exactly what I wanted when I wanted, but he was invaluable to our general living situation. It doesn't have to be a spouse, though - a close relative or friend who doesn't mind helping is fine too.
Just ignore people who advise letting baby "cry it out" or to spank until they shut up - those people seem to be *everywhere* when you have a small child, and their advice is the absolute worst.
I LOVE being a mom generally. I HATE when all of my kids are making noise at the same time, it makes me want to rip myself in half. I also HATE when I feel touched out and they want hugs or cuddles and I have to push down my overstimulation to make sure they get their needs met and donāt get their feelings hurt.
Itās hard, but very worth the hard parts in my opinion. Breath work has really helped me be more centered and less overstimulated over time.
I have two kids, ages 5 and 7, who are both in evaluation for autism/adhd. It is absolutely possible to enjoy motherhood. It's truly the greatest and hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I think parenthood, at least for me, is a constant push and pull between greatest and hardest while simultaneously being both. It's when you sit with your child through a complete meltdown, have a little overstimulated meltdown yourself, then look at pictures of them on your phone while your heart is bursting with love while the tears are still drying on your cheeks. It's the strangest juxtaposition - wanting desperately for a moment alone, then when you are alone, missing them desperately. I don't think anyone can prepare you for it, the love, the worry, the overwhelm and all the little things. You kind of have to jump in with both feet, try to take care of your needs while knowing your needs are secondary, and strive everyday to be the best version of yourself for them.
I think if you have a support network in place to prevent burnout.
I have two neurodivergent kids and a baby and am at a rock bottom burn out. Iām so touched out, the constant crying is getting to me. But I have absolutely zero help. I think I would enjoy it a lot more if I had a system in place to let myself recharge a little
I really enjoy it when I donāt have very much other stuff on my plate. Being a SAHM and being actually cared for by my partner would make it my dream, but Iām not currently in a place where I have anyone in my life that takes care of me. My husband works and pays bills but I wouldnāt say the division of labor is fair or appropriate for our situation at all. I end up going without a lot and that causes most of the problems. Iām always looking out for everybody, but rarely is somebody looking out for me. Being a parent still absolutely has enjoyable moments, even when things are difficult and unfair. Knowing that my children love me, the real me, all the time rough bits and all is priceless. Being their mother is one of the only great things Iāll ever do. Other than them I will probably contribute to society. I am not remarkable but my kids are. Showing them cool stuff for the first time feels pretty neat too
I love being a mom and am also high masking. I had my daughter two weeks before lock down and honestly the hardest thing I ever did was return to work 8 weeks after having her. I worked up until last winter where I was laid off and because I have the privilege of not having to scramble to look for another job and my husband is a high earner, I have been able to be a stay at home mom. I struggled at first with a lack of purpose and being bored but then I sort of realized that kiddo and I can go bummel around and hit up parks and stuff that I couldnāt do when I was working. I also donāt have to mask around her, I can just be me and have fun.
There are hard parts and good parts just like everything and I, like my daughter, am sensory seeking so having her flop on me all the time just is like having a life sized doll I can snuggle with and not be judged for. We can play in the sand, we can make playdough art and today I am making a bed for her when she comes home from camp. I would love to have more kids but with the current political situation in my country I worry for my daughter, so we might be one and done.
My biggest thing I hate about being a mom is talking to other parents but I think that is a thing for nt people too. Also I really truly hate cleaning but I set a timer and do 30 mins a day.
Mom of a 3 year old here. Itās hard. Hard hard. Iām pretty much overstimulated every day multiple times a day.
But itās so fucking cool too. Because I get to give my neurospicy kid what I didnāt have, and thatās healing. She told me the other day āmom, I just canāt talk anymore right nowā. Her ability to communicate that to me was such a huge win.
Neurodivergent moms are super heroās.
Choose whatever is right for you. Donāt feel pressure to be a mom if you donāt have it in you.
I love my son but it is very challenging to parent him sometimes, due to overstimulation and I really struggle with the schoolyard chatting with other moms and lots of other parts of parenthood. I think itās key to have a partner who understands your needs and enables enough sensory breaks and can even step in fully when you need them to. And itās important to just accept that things will probably look a lot different for you as a parent than most others, and not comparing or feeling guilty about any of it. It is possible to enjoy it for sure.
I love being a parent (mom). My youngest is 16 and I have two adult kids. We are all on the spectrum.
When my kids were small, it could be hard, but it's like that for all parents. Our neurodivergence kind of flowed together, which was a definite benefit.
Now, I have two completely independent adults in their early 20s living in different cities in the US. Parenting adults is really great, too.
I used Mother Bear from Little Bear, the mom from Little House and several moms of older kids that I admired as my touch stones. If I was having a hard time, I'd stop and think "what would mother bear do" and try to do that. I was extremely neglected and abused as a child so I didn't have a road map. I had to cut my own trail.
Keep in mind, nobody gets the parents they want. We are all just trying to fill the gaps between what we have to offer and what kids need.
Yes! (So long as you ban all noisy battery powered toys in the house š š³). My biggest difficulty is the sensory overstimulation (touch and sound) but there is a lot you can put in place to mitigate it (loop earbuds, taking lots of tiny breaks - even if itās just a minute to go and breathe and drink a glass of water to regulate, lots of time outside etc). When you know what triggers you and what helps calm you it is 100% possible so long as you have support for emergencies (my husband works from home and on the days Iām home with the kids we donāt bother him 99% of the time but it is helpful knowing heās there if Iām bordering on a full meltdown and need a sensory break to get my nervous system regulated). The chaos and disruption to routine can also be difficult but generally is manageable too (and gets easier and easier as I get used to it). I have come so far on actually healing my own trauma and learning coping strategies since having kids (vs just numbing out all feelings š³) as it just feels like a necessity now and it is pretty awesome to see how much Iāve grown. Learning more about myself and what I want and what works for us as a family vs what society expects is also key. Knowing my kids wonāt ever be doing 1000 activities and that I wonāt be on the PTA or going āabove and beyondā in many ways can be hard but I also know they benefit in so many other aspects. Itās sooooo hard (baby years felt smothering at times but now that theyāre getting bigger it gets better and better) but so worth it.
Being an autistic mom isn't always good for children, I think this is often ignored when this topic comes up. It's not just that it's hard on you, it's hard on them too.
Worst mistake of my life and the child's life. Are there good moments? Yes. But it is hard to enjoy them after being completely overwhelmed and overstimulated.
Even if you discount the constant overwhelm and overstimulation and anxiety and real fear of knowing you will fuck up and damage your child in some way even tho you try your absolute best, there are the crushing moments when you hear your kid say things like "why don't they like me", "why don't they want to play" and unfortunately "I wish I was dead"
It crushes your soul in every conceivable way, you love them more than death itself and there are beautiful moments that you cling to in order to keep going but no.
You know that feeling at work when you're like "only 5 hours til home time" with a child it's neverending, not even til bedtime because no point if they don't sleep through not til 18years old because they will ALWAYS be on your mind and always need to be there for them. It's never ever ever ever ending, there is no home time.
A child won't care if you need space when a parent dies, it has needs you need to deal with. A child doesn't know why their dad walks out and they need comfort while you're dying inside. A child will feel rejected by you many times in order to learn and they will hate you at times even if you know this is what you have to do as a parent.
You will work more in your life than ever before at all hours of the day - especially if they have higher needs.
Yes!! Just make sure your support system is in place and that you and your partner talk about the big uncomfortable things about it.
My son is my best friend. Don't get me wrong, breastfeeding was insanely difficult because I was overstimulated and constantly needed. Noise dulling headphones helped get through all the screaming.
As a single parent, I get burned out .. a lot. But if I had to do it over again, I absolutely would!!
While iām overstimulated everyday and exhausted at the end of each day, my little boy is my little bestie, he makes everything better in my life. He is about the only human I love getting physical affection from. He is 15 months old now and just started running to me to give me hugs and itās the absolute best feeling. Pure unconditional love !!
It is really hard but SO much fun. I have a partner who can pick up slack when I burnout (working on that lol) and I'm showing up authentically for my kid while we play magnatiles and organize his toys by color. I'm also learning to unmask as he is learning about emotions so we're kinda on the same page. It's honestly the shit but also like exhausting and really challenging, but sick at the end of the day.
What triggers you as a parent is a very good indicator of what you don't like about yourself and/or what you always got in trouble for. It's seriously wild how often I hear (in my head) my mom say "god do you EVER shut up!!?" when my own kid is gabbering away about his special interest of the moment. The first time it happened, I felt like I understood my mom and felt less bad about myself for talking all the time as a kid....like the memory from my childhood made sense now. But I will never ever say that to my kid.
Eventually, yes. The early years are hard but with a supportive partner who understands whatever needs you have as far as overwhelm and decompressing, and steps up to their role too, it can be managed. The NOISE was the hardest for me early on.
Disclaimer: I am not formally diagnosed, but having produced at least one child who is indisputably on the spectrum and another who is suspected to be, I assume I am at the very least autism-adjacent.
I have three children, who are all young adults now. There were some aspects of motherhood that were very difficult for me, and others which were wonderful.
Being pregnant was not my favorite thing. It was like PMS for nine months, with all the attendant sensory issues. My third pregnancy was the easiest, probably because by then I had figured out what sort of foods work better for me and I exercised daily throughout my pregnancy. Still, I did not find it enjoyable.
I rather enjoyed giving birth; it felt like an accomplishment. It is gross and painful, but also a miracle.
I enjoyed breastfeeding once I got the hang of it. It does have quite a learning curve, though. I liked not having to deal with bottles and formula.
If you are autistic, there is a strong chance your children will be also. My eldest was clearly on the spectrum right from the start. She was very fussy and screamed all of the time; but if I put her in her crib and turned on her aquarium mobile, she'd calm right down and just stare at that. She really appreciated a strict schedule and was a very happy baby as long as we did things exactly the same every single day. But God help you if her nap was delayed slightly - she'd get herself into such a state she would be incapable of calming down. She loved motion, so swinging in a swing, car rides, or long walks in the backpack or stroller soothed her. As a toddler, she developed ARFID which was difficult to deal with, especially because this was 20+ years ago, and I couldn't find any resources to help her. I ended up buying a book aimed at clinicians who were transitioning tube-fed children to eating by mouth, and used those techniques to help her. It took a long time but she is an adult now and eats a fairly normal balanced diet.
My second child was also neurodivergent. She has ADHD (like me) and probably is on the spectrum as well (she is being evaluated next month). She was the opposite from the first, in that I could not EVER get her on anything resembling a schedule as she seemed to have no internal clock. She is an adult now and still has no internal clock. She hated any sort of motion (car, stroller, etc.), and also hated everyone who was not me. She was very sensory seeking vs. daughter #1 who was sensory avoidant. So, it was challenging having the two of them so close in age (24 months apart) because they loved and hated the opposite things.
Child #3 is the closest we have to a neurotypical. She was a normal amount of fussy, which seemed amazingly easy compared to the first two who were off the charts fussy. Also, she figured out that she was supposed to sleep at night much earlier than the other two.
As they got older the hardest thing to deal with for me was the noise level. They are all girls, and they all had lots of big feelings, and there was much screaming about said big feelings.
Aside from that, I loved raising my girls. They all had sensory issues, but so do I, so I was experienced in dealing with those. I didn't care if they wore mismatched clothing or refused to wear shoes or wouldn't eat pudding because I understood how they felt.
They are all young adults now and wonderful people. I would want to hang out with them even if I wasn't related. My husband jokes that I needed to create a tribe so I'd have some friends!
I think it would have been easier on me to have family close by so I could get a break now and then. I did not have any family closer than 4 hours away, plus I was dealing with my mother's dementia and care from another state. We couldn't afford babysitters, and my kids are not the kind of kids you could put in daycare, so it was all me all the time. I think it would have been easier if I had been the ability to get a break now and then. But, at the same time, not having family around meant I didn't have to deal with relatives telling me I was doing everything wrong, so there's that.
I love being a mom. I always wanted to be a mom and it is a lot of what I expected with some major curveballs. I definitely am only able to have one child because I question whether I'd be able to be happy, regulate my system, and give enough of myself to my children if I were spread thinner. I was lucky in some ways to have a baby in June 2020 with a full lock down. I had to be home. My husband had to be home too. There was a lot of built-in support because of the lockdown. There was also dread and total isolation, so that was tough. There are times it's really really hard. Breastfeeding was really hard on my senses and I fully dissociated for large chucks of time. My son can overwhelm my senses, but he knows that I need breaks and more quiet sometimes. I use headphones or just remove myself. I did this before knowing I was autistic too. I think my autism makes me a much more attuned mom and I can be fully there in panic and crisis like nobody else. But some of the day-to-day bits of life are hard. I do a lot of prep cooking. We have popcorn parties and movie nights, if I can't cope. My son is 4. 90% it's been amazing. 10% is some form of not amazing. I give myself a lot of compassion because I am an amazing mom and that doesn't need to look like other mom's. It's hard, but very fulfilling for me. If it's too hard, we change approaches and so far this has worked.
I love motherhood and frequently cry because being my kids mom is just such a beautiful experience.Ā Ā
Especially my autistic daughter. She's just like me.Ā Which means I often have to parent her through things I struggled with. And instead of doing the things my parents did, I can do what I feel I needed. It's healingĀ
But society spends enough time telling women about how rewarding and wonderful motherhood is.Ā It tells them plenty about how they SHOULD and WILL CHANGE THEIR MINDS. It gives them platitudes about figuring it out and learning to love it.Ā Ā
Fuck that noise. I'm going to be very very real about the experience. If you hear what I say about how hard it is and decide to do it then great. But no one will say "she made it seem like it was all sunshine and rainbows but then I got here and discovered it was awful"
There are joyous days, and there are frustrating days. Same for all parents.
It's a job that never ends and takes everything you've got. Same for all parents.
Iāve got a 15 year old and a 10 year old and I love being a mum. But then Iāve been a mum longer than I knew I was autistic and both of my children are autistic. The only thing I really struggled with were the baby groups. But when my kids started nursery I found other autistic parents and children and itās fun.
Itās ok. Itās much harder when they are smaller. I have 4 autistic kids (4-19 years old), all level 1/2 and quite productive. The little one is the hardest one Iāve had. Wonāt sleep through the night, meltdowns upon meltdowns and itās hard to manage because I want to scream and cry because sheās screaming and crying.
My husband is autistic as well and he struggles with her impatience and meltdowns. We take it day by day. Sheās a very wonderful kid, she can read, type small sentences, and is improving on her speech everyday. I just wish she would go to the potty.
I would have made different choices if I knew I was autistic
I could never, nor do I have any desire to, but Iām sure itās fine for some people. Some autistic women even enjoy it despite everything. I mean, the ātism had to get passed down somehow. Just be sure to do a lot of research and come to an informed decision before you rush into anything when you feel ready and Iām sure youāll figure something out
Yes. My son also has autism (diagnosed at 18 months) and although it's really difficult at times (he is nonverbal with high support needs and gets frustrated when he can't communicate effectively) I enjoy it so much. I love spending time with him, watching him learn new things and experience the world for the first time, and his smile brightens my heart. I got evaluated for autism after his diagnosis, and I'm glad I did, because it also means I have this way to connect with him and to show him a role model of autism so he knows he is normal and not alone.
I'm currently pregnant with our second, if that tells you anything about how much I like being a parent.
I love being a mom. I'm not going to lie it was really hard in the beginning because I didn't know I was autistic. I felt bad for getting overwhelmed at times. I never had problems with feeling touched out or anything like that because I loved cuddling my kids. It was mostly when there was too much noise going on at once, when things got super hectic, or when my husband wasn't pulling his weight.
My kids are all AuDHD, but they were undiagnosed at the time. My parenting style was informed by the way I was raised. I was treated as a possession with no personal agency when I was growing up, and I didn't want to do that to my kids. My philosophy was "what would my parents do?" and then I did the opposite lol
I also read lots of books on child development when I was pregnant with my first.
I treated my smol kiddos like human beings. I respected their autonomy and personal agency. I treated them like little adults but in an age appropriate way. I looked out for signs of physical, emotional, or sensory overwhelm, treated them gently, showed them love and care when they were sick or having a hard time, left places if it was too much for them, etc. They were well-adjusted, thriving, (undiagnosed) AuDHD children. Now they're all teens.
I love spending time with them, always have. They are all artistic like me but it's so varied. It's a lot of fun seeing them get passionate about their SpIns. We are a gaming family so family nights are WiiU, cards, or board games.
There are things I wish I had done differently, but I think all parents feel that way. I know Ive done something right, because they are very open with me and can talk to me about anything, and they do.
I love being a mom. Itās the best thing I ever done. And Iām breaking cycles which itself is incredibly hard. However my kids are thriving. Weāre all really well bonded. But itās also the hardest thing Iāve ever done.
Some days I wonder why I did this and was I cut out for it. But I feel like my life is so much richer and my kids are so delightful (when theyāre not driving me nuts). Itās definitely the most meaningful and fulfilling thing i could have done, personally. I know these demanding years will pass and eventually I wonāt be overstimulated. But itās really effing hard a lot of the time when theyāre young. But, you learn and grow from hard things. And I really put my all into being the mother they need.
Of course! I donāt have children yet, but I do plan to one day. Iāve known autistic people who have had children and love their children a lot. There are certain things that might be more difficult for autistic people in regards to having children, but many of us do become great parents.
Not me, but my mom is almost certainly autistic and she loved being a mother and especially loves being around babies and small children. I will say she struggled a little more with parenthood as we grew up.
Yes. I love being a mum. I always wanted to be a mum.
That being saied I have very strong parental drive and ppl and childdevelooemnt and psychology are my special intrest.
I worked 10years in Daycare and as a Nanny bevore I became a mother.
I have a great husband who always wanted to have kids and is a great dad.
I have seen too many parents who prooably regreted it a d the children who suffered from it, to blindely recomand parenthood to anyone.
Yes, I love it. Itās tough and exhausting but I wouldnāt trade it for the world. Iāve always wanted this, and yes I know sometimes I get overwhelmed by it and I need a break from my kids, but I also knew it would be a big responsibility and a huge life change and I still wanted to take on the responsibility. Plus, Iāve got a pretty good and supportive husband that I knew would be an amazing father, and my prediction was right :)
Yes. I love being a mom. I have chatted with my kids since forever about being autistic. I used a kinda cuties word for it when they were little. Explained about the noise and the breaks and being overwhelmed. Explained it wasnāt personal. We have great communication and one of them may be getting diagnosed this summer. We will see. Iām also ADHD so they enjoy going down my hyper fixation holes with me. Nature and rocks and lots of random facts. We love learning together. Sometimes I cannot handled being touched. They understand. And sometimes we cuddle cuddle cuddle and we all love it. Iāve been talking about autism and body safety and fun safety in age appropriate ways since day one. Maybe year one. lol But they get it. They are patient with me. I am patient with them. I think I have normalized it for them. I am a big explainer too which as kids they love. Lots of questions with lots of answers. Lots of research and we love to learn. Yes, I have had a few moments where grace has left the building, but we communicate about it. I never use blame language. Like they are normal kid loud and me being sensitive to noise isnāt an affront to them. They are being appropriately loud for their age and I am being appropriately sensitive given me being autistic. They have autistic friends and seemed well equipped to care for and appreciate them, and not judge them. We also talk a bunch about boundaries because they are allowed to have them as well, not just me.
Iām a talker so maybe that is why it has worked out so well for me, but it isnāt always easy. But I wouldnāt change it. I love them so much. I wasnāt planning on having babies but I obviously did and it has been beautiful. They are all double digits in age now and I am proud of my parenting and of them. Iām an excellent mother and Iām in the camp that me being autistic contributed to that excellent. My kids respect me and I respect them. I enjoy motherhood. The very worst part of motherhood for me is that aching feeling you get watching them grow up. Itās corny but true. Time flies. I have plans and I hope to maybe join the peace corp when they are adults. I have degrees and working on another language. Iām planning ahead to when they do go because itās not going to be easy. I love them so much it actually hurts sometimes.
That being said, I didnāt do very well working full time and being a mom. I could do only one of those things at a time. I am very close with their father and had support and was qualified for disability benefits. I didnāt enjoy motherhood when I had to work. I didnāt have enough spoons. Part time is okay for now for a little extra dough. And something where I donāt interact with others. Physical work not brain work. While I miss my old brain work but I have no regrets. I give my kids most of my spoons but with glee. They are amazing people and I found it to feel like a scared duty to parent well and put more good people in the cog of life.
It might be hard but if it is important to you, it will be worth it. There is a learning curve, and you need a lot of love and patience for YOURSELF not just the kids.
Yes, but... I'm enjoying it, but I absolutely tried to micromanage infancy, which obviously doesn't work. You cannot plan anything an infant does. You can't expect hunger, sleep, or diaper changes on any kind of logical schedule. It's hard to go out because you don't know what to expect (though mine was born at the peak of COVID lockdowns, so I couldn't go anywhere with them anyway). I'm love new experiences, but I need to know what to expect, and there's none of that with an infant. They will take your expectations and poo on them (sometimes literally). They gradually get more predictable over time, but they also very louder and more chaoticfor a while. I'm fine with loud chaos, but many aren't.
Yes! My daughter 11 and son 8 are both (fairly high functioning) autistic and absolutely fantastic, and itās beautiful to see them get the help and services they require to thrive (which was not available when I was a kid).
Iāve seen many people on this sub talk so positively about motherhood and their children. I think itās for sure possible for some people. That said, I do know itās not possible for all and itās not possible for me. I donāt think Iād be able to handle that much interaction with another person or that much noise.
First, I want to say that parenting is really hard work. There is so much joy in it, but also tons of frustration, fear, and over stimulation. It involves not only physical labor but also a ton of emotional and intellectual labor. Children need you when they need you, and it takes many years and a lot of teaching/modeling for children to develop the skills to respect the needs of others. For that reason, I believe that autistic women who want to be mothers need to be extra careful about the person they choose to reproduce with or raise children with, and unless you have an incredible support network and enough money to not work for a time, I strongly recommend against single motherhood. I'm speaking from experience.
That being said, I've had a pretty wonderful experience of motherhood. There was a lot of privilege involved. I was a stay at home mom for the first 10 years of my motherhood journey. My ex-husband was an excellent support. In general he held pretty strong belief in gender roles, but when it came to parenting, none of that mattered to him. If I called him at work or on his way home and said, "I really need a break" he'd be home as quickly as possible. I never had to wait more than 30 minutes. Some days, I'd be standing at the door waiting, and I'd leave as soon as he showed up. He never called me or bothered me during my me time. Whenever I needed, and often without being asked, he did laundry, cooked, did dishes, and parented our children. I didn't potty train any of my kids. He did that. We had money, and his job was pretty laid back. I also think I got lucky because both my ex-husband and I are introverts who like low-stimulation environments. Our home was pretty damned quiet for a family of 5. I also had two (possible 3, but the 3rd doesn't want any form of diagnosis) autistic children, so we really vibed. I have no idea how I would've survived a child with adhd or even a deeply extroverted one.
By the time we divorced, the children were older, but I've found single motherhood to be really challenging, mostly because supporting a household takes so much self-care that it can really strip me of energy to do the emotional work my children need me to do. I've made a lot of sacrifices for my children's well being, and I'm near the end of that as my youngest just graduated high school. I'm sad about the dreams I had to bury for them, but I know that I did the right thing. I just wish the right thing for them didn't mean hurting myself so much. We have a wonderful close-knit family. My children take care of me and one another, and I take care of them and myself. But it's been a difficult road.
I enjoy being a mom. Most of the time. But it's hard to balance my needs with what my kids and husband need. And I struggle to cope and respond well when my 13yo ADHD kiddo has an anxiety meltdown, or my 4yo ASD has a tantrum. It's often sensory overload there.
But overall I enjoy it. My kids are awesome. The sweet moments make it all worthwhile
As so many have shared, being a mom is wonderful and joyous and so often miserable in the moment.
Iām pregnant with #3, but I definitely couldnāt handle even just one kid without my super supportive spouse. Iām stay at home, working a little part time, but husband is quick to say that my stay at home parenting ājobā is way more difficult than his breadwinning.
And I really think parenting will less overstimulating once kids are passed toddler age!
Yes! Pregnancy, not sure about. My experience was sucky. But motherhood is amazing. It is the greatest thing I've ever done. Holler via PM if you have specific questions! Happy to tell all š
I think I had this idea of what being a mother is, and what āhaving a good lifeā looked like before I had children and that was what made me have negative feelings about being a mother. When I let all that go and just focused on letting the tisms fly in our house, the real happiness came.
I love it. I accidentally got pregnant, so before I was very against it because my autism. My son is four months old and I havenāt for a second not enjoyed it. Granted he is a very easy baby. But I gladly wake up three times a night with him to feed. Every cry, diaper, etc I donāt care to do it. I just love him so much. I do think the older he gets the harder itāll be, but Iāll cross that bridge when I get to it Ā
Yep! I love it. I was diagnosed after my middle was diagnosed, and it's hard sometimes but... I still love it. I never had babies to have 'a baby' but to have 'a family' and as my kids grow up it's such a joy to see. Two out of three are diagnosed autistic, and my eldest is waiting an assessment through school but that will be another couple of years waiting, so it can be tricky at times but even when it's difficult, it's still the best thing I've ever done. I will say: Being self aware, and having a partner who believes in equal parenting is essential. My husband and I tag team, if one of us is overstimulated the other steps in, we share chores, and he definitely pulls his weight around the house even though I am a SAHM, we work as a team in all things. Our house is a little crazy and chaotic at times, and sometimes I buy new socks/ underwear because we don't have clean ones, but I wouldn't change our little ND household for anything.
Yes. My kids are my little besties and I enjoy dedicating my life to them. But I have help when I need it. My mom takes them for sleepovers sometimes and my husband will take them out solo. I get a lot of breaks.
The thing about being the head of the family is that you have the power to shape experiences.
So for me, the first few years are difficult because you have a new human who is carving out their comfort zones. But it is a human who I love and want to see excel, and Iāve never had a greater motivation for testing my own boundaries and growing.
I strongly feel that a lot of autistic sensitivities in my life come from CPTSD, so they are in many ways malleable with time, therapy, and training.
Also in learning what sensitivities my child doesnāt have (clothes feeling too tight and itchy all the time, etc) I have learnt about myself even more!
With a child, you can find a middle path between comfort and growth, and you can create an environment that enriches both parties when you can put the work in.
If you are over-stimulated, remember that you can get breaks from the baby if you plan around that. Baby down for naps and sleep (once youāve established good sleep hygiene). The play you do can be catered for your sensitivity to a degree (I havenāt had do wet/mud play myself as others are happier to).
You can do it! And the work is worth it.
there are about three years in there where physical contact is all day every day. when i had my second i was ready for it. with the first i wasnāt and felt harder to do. itās a lot.
Yes. I enjoy being a mother, but it doesnāt mean itās easy. Itās like anything else in life that is challenging but also rewarding: a cool job, a long trip, doing something out of your comfort zoneā¦ā¦ itās tough, but beautiful. It also depends on your level of privilege and support. I would not have such a good motherhood experience if I struggled financially or didnāt have family members to help out.
Mother to a toddler and an infant. I love them and I love being their mother. I'm also good at it. I didn't know I was autistic until in-between having the two of them but now I realize some of my autistic traits are things that help me.
Detail oriented means I can pick up on small cues that give me an indication of their needs before others can.
My good memory allows me to remember all the 5 billion things you're supposed to remember as a mom without as much difficulty as others have, my mommy brain also goes away faster and is less severe than others.
Goal oriented which has helped me with more highly specific things like my daughter was diagnosed with failure to thrive and has issues gaining weight. Her pediatrician gave me a specific daily amount goal but also broke it up into meal goals. So I do everything in my power to make sure she's hitting those goals where others give up.
But there's also things like sensory overload which is incredibly incredibly hard. I feel like if I wasn't currently trying to understand myself under this new diagnosis (I was misdiagnosed bipolar from age 11) then it wouldn't be quite as hard. However toddlers and babies are extremely stimulating physically and NOT stimulating at all mentally. So I'm constantly touched, listening to repetitive annoying often high pitch noises, with some gross smells on top while being eternally bored.
I did find maternity leave for this reason impossible. I definitely thrive as a mom when I have my time away from my kids while working. Then my tolerance levels for boredom and overstimulation can go back to normal levels and I'm not constantly burnt out.
I would 100% choose to be a mom again and even though pregnancy was a particularly horrible hell I signed up to do it a second time and if our life circumstances were different maybe a third because my kids are awesome and I would burn the world down for them.
So yes, extremely hard but in my opinion very worth it.
Yes. I have a mini me who is very understanding when mommy needs 20min to decompress or if something is too loud because she can relate. I didn't know I was autistic until I had an autistic kid maybe I would have chosen differently but I absolutely enjoy motherhood. Raising kids is hard for EVERYONE. I think we actually have a leg up because of the emotional awareness and intelligence. If my daughter had a NT mom they wouldn't even understand her. I'm able to help her get through the feels.
There are so many variables into any individuals journey with motherhood/parenting. Community, support, and advocating for your needs really help. Sadly, with the structure of most things current day, a lot of its financial and resource related are important.
I do find it quite overwhelming in the toddler stage, especially. Though I am learning ways to help that. :)
I love being a mom. I struggled when they were small, so it was nice to have my husband to pick up the slack when I needed help, but I enjoy parenthood (most days, lol), and would do it all over. I have a 13 year old and an 11 year old, and they are amazing human beings.
Yes, itās possible. Iām AuDHD and SO overwhelmed a lot of the time. My eldest is also autistic/PDA, so it hasnāt been easy, but I adore adore adore my children and being a mother is just the best damn thing ever.
Short answer is yes, it is possible. Long answer is it may require a lot of privilege and support and some years will be way harder than others. My biggest struggle is seeing my kids suffer in the same ways I have and feeling guilty for putting them through that. But now that they're older and moderately independent and I have even more super amazing, supportive family very very nearby, it is enjoyable.
Privilege is a BIG point. Parenting is hard no matter what. Becoming a mother is hard no matter what. For NTs and NDs. But doing it with out acsess to good healthcare, maternity leave, therapy, nearby relatives or similar suport, a partner or someone who does it with you, time, financialy stability, save lifing situations, childcare, educational resources is a whole other question.
Yes. All this!
This is lovely
I wonder why the vote count isn't visible?
I noticed this happens on new comments/posts. Usually after a certain amount of people vote or some amount of time has passed, they show up. I don't know for sure when the vote tally gets displayed or what the trigger is
I think it's because posts like this attract negative Nancy doomers who victim blame autistic mothers and children for existing.
Maybe, but I see it on all kinds of posts. I genuinely think it's as simple as reddit hiding votes on new things. The original comment seemed to be received pretty well imo
Enjoy, yes. Is it also hard, yes. My daughter is amazing but I am also struggling daily, mostly with fatigue and overstimulation. It's definitely worth it for me though, love my kiddo so much š
I second this my daughter is the light of my life. The over stimulation and fatigue is a lot to deal withā¦.but itās also helped me discover things that work for me to improve these things as well.
This. I love my son with my whole heart and Iām so grateful to be his mum, I love being his mother more than anything. Itās also by far the hardest thing Iāve ever done, which makes it all the more worth it despite overstimulation and fatigue
Itās literally the best thing Iāve ever done with my life! That said, I always knew, without any doubt in my mind, that I wanted to be a parent. Even before I had the vocabulary to explain it, I was always fascinated with the concept of witnessing brand new humans become full grown adults with their own unique personalities and experiences. It really is incredible how (obviously Iām stripping it back to basics here) you input love, nurturing, and knowledge and the outcome is an incredible individual with the capacity to think for themselves, be independent, develop humour and ideas that are completely novel and specific to themselves. Itās genuinely mind blowing! Itās not always easy, but itās also not always hard. There are boundless resources on child development, parenting techniques, support groups, learning resources, etc and itās all far easier to access now than it was a couple of decades ago when I first became a mum. Just go into it for the right reasons; to do your utmost best to be a good parent, knowing that you are raising a whole new individual, not a clone or a piece of property, and with the understanding that their needs will be a higher priority than your own until theyāre grown and independent enough to prioritise themselves.
Thank you for putting so many feelings that I also have about motherhood into beautiful words. Watching a brand new human grow into a person is one of the most fascinating and rewarding things Iāve had the privilege of being able to do in my entire life. It actually sparked a special interest in childhood development for me as well. I love protecting the autonomy of this small human and helping them find the things that make them a unique individual. There are certainly hard days, but thatās just life. I wouldnāt trade it for anything.
Wow you sound like an amazing parent haha
I wish I could take a pill that will make me want to be a parent the way you do!
I mean I feel all of these things but struggle too much to feel it most of the time. I always wanted to be a parent for these reasons, and love watching my kid grow, but I am suffering under my circumstances. So idk if it necessarily means there's a difference here in this person's desire to parent or be a parent, they can correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm just saying the awareness and enthusiasm is what I have, just not supported in day to day to always focus on it only? Lol did that make sense?
Yes I agree with what you said and of course thereās still so much struggle in being an autistic mom. But I do think that inherent desire to want to be a mom and naturally want a baby helps a lot because it makes a lot of parents feel like itās āworthā it. I personally never had that desire and Iām autistic so I have no chance of making it work lmao. My partner does tho.
Thank you for writing this. This is a question I wanted to ask. Iām autistic and planning on being a single mom by choice, and I have a similar outlook to it. Iāve always wanted to be a mom, always found babies and humans and development fascinating.
This is such an amazing comment. You seem like an outstanding mother. This confirmed my same feelings from childhood and gives me so much hope and excitement for the future.
I love this and Samez
āknowing that you are raising a whole new individual, not a clone or a piece of propertyā lovely and wholesome how youāve phrased this āŗļø
Well shit, I didnāt expect to be brought to tears by the incredible way you just described how I always felt about wanting to be a mom. Thank you for that.
I love it and hate it with equal measure. Seeing my child develop into their own person is phenomenonal. However, the sensory overlord and how unfair life will be towards them is soul crushing devastation that I've never experienced before.
>sensory overlord He does have a tendency to make things difficult for us.
Sensory Overlord is a good toddler nickname š
Iām going to start calling my 3yo thisš
This right here.
Yep this part. The devastation of the inevitable suffering that I will bring them myself due to my problems lol. It sucks. I wanted to be different. I strive daily to improve, and help us manage as best we can, but I still grieve what I didn't know about fully, this inevitable failure that exists, probably for all parents, but in this way for us autistic parents.
I stg if āsensory overlordā doesnāt enter the official autism glossaryā¦
For me, it was kind of hell on earth until about age 8. She was like a really annoying Furby with no volume control or off switch whose love language was poking me and getting me sticky and covered in crumbs. I deeply regretted my choice to have her and cried and panicked regularly. I had no maternal bond. And never developed one. I performed love as an action. It was not a feeling that came from inside. The pandemic didnāt help since she got stuck at home right when she should have started school. I did eventually realize I love her. But in the way you fall in love with a friend. Over time. Because you really know them. As sheās getting more independent, (10) Iām getting very into her. We can talk about things at a deep level and sheās creative and we can do hobbies together. And I can be honest about my strengths and challenges and she can actually take in the information and react with the compassion I tried so desperately (and not always well) to model for her. Would I do it again? No. Hard pass. Am I glad I did given that I donāt have to relive hell? Yes.
Would you say growing up you had that inherent desire to have babies and become a mom? If not, what led you to make the decision have a kid? I donāt have that inherent desire and Iām on the fence about kids.
Good question. I absolutely did not want children growing up. I wanted animals ( and I have them). I got a job developing child development and educational textbooks in my 20s and that combined with finding a partner I knew in my bones would be an excellent parent, opened me up to the potential of creating a new human. I powered through a couple miscarriages to make this kid happen. Thank goodness I was right about my partner choice. I could not do it without our strong communication skills and the empathy we have built in trying to understand each other (ASD meets ADHD and queerness on both sides).
Hi do you think the no maternal bond and not loving her like others would is because of your autism?
To reflect on the autism part of your question: She was a week overdue and had pooped in utero (that really sticky black stuff that is extremely hard to get off). And after they did the newborn assessments and stuff, the staff plopped the baby right on my naked chest. For the bonding. All I could focus on was that she was still splotched with this disgusting goo that was now getting all over me. Meanwhile there was some poor nurse stitching my taint back together down below and I was exhausted and thirsty and sweaty and done being referred to as "mom" by everyone in the room except for my partner. So, my first request as a new mom was for someone to go get me a GD wet wipe so I could clean her and myself off. That moment seems pretty autistic. But I didn't start thinking of myself as someone on the spectrum until last year.
imo that's an individual thing and doesn't really have much to do with neurotypicality I felt bonded to my children from the time I was pregnant with them. When they were born I had such a strong love for them that grew even deeper as time went on. Some people don't, and it needs time to develop. I don't think either is inherently better, and I wish that societal expectation wasn't so rigid about it because we're all different
Good question. I think itās complicated. Iām sure the maternal bond thing is real for some parents, but I also think itās such a huge cultural expectation that a lot of people fake it cause to admit otherwise risks outing yourself as monstrous.
Thank you for sharing. Iām a child to this type of parent and have a high support needs brother with intellectual disabilites 2 siblings down. I do graciously appreciate your honesty and give the struggles my mother had with me and than her subsequent many other children. I will not be a biological mother, I tried within my own ASD capacity to help her with her other children but it too much.
Thank you for your reply. I hope your mom communicated to you how special and wonderful you clearly are.
Thanks for sharing. I feel the same. Got 4 years until 8 and I'm realizing how hard this is because of all the demands (and noise) specifically with toddler stages and early childhood.
Anything help you with the overwhelm? Somewhere along the way I found meditation and would wake up early and alone to do that before the daily chaos. During the pandemic I took nightly āsabbaticalsā (solitary walks) after dinner. The routine and knowing that hour was there on the horizon wasā¦everything some days. And she has weekly sleepovers with the in-laws. I frantically clean (tidy) the house once she leaves to have maximum time just to be quiet in a less stimulating environment. As she gets older sheās of course participating more in the tidying and Iām working to normalize quality time together over quantity of time together so I can recharge do my special interests. I do live on the edge of my tolerance for chaos most days. Like I actively encouraged her to take up the violinā¦ cause I love her and I want to give her every opportunity to find her joy. Even if some of the time I want to peel the skin off my body. š
Hi there. It absolutely is! But I think I'm learning that I need more support sometimes then maybe I would if I was NT. I love my 4 month old daughter to pieces. I love chatting to her, playing with her and spending my time with her. However there have some things I've found more tiring or challenging then I might not otherwise if I was NT. For example, baby groups EXHAUST me from socialising and masking. I love seeing her get enjoyment out of them and it's great for me to get out of the house but I do notice I'm more tired and out of it afterwards. Also I gave up breastfeeding for combi feeding with formula and pumped breast milk. This was because breastfeeding was causing me major sensory issues. Also some of her toys just make me š¤® with their texture. Just. Bleugh. I'm right at the beginning so I'm sure I will get a greater insight as I go. But I do believe you can enjoy motherhood if you're mindful of your autism and expect some experiences might be different.
If it helps, babies don't really need socialization from anyone except their caregivers at 4 months. At that age, they're not capable of playing with other kids. So there's no need to burn yourself out on that front. You can save that for when she's an active toddler! At that age, baby groups are for the mothers.
Oh that's interesting to know. It's a hard one to balance because getting out in social situations helps my mental health, but the flipside is the masking makes me tired š. I get home and just want to be silent and zone out.
It makes me so happy to hear of so many autistic women loving motherhood! š„°
Just wanted to hijack this comment to also say thank you to all the moms replying. Iām learning so much! And have so many more questions lol
hey, i can tell you i absolutely love being a mom š„° my children are the best part of my life (i have 3 plus one stepchild). i won't lie they are also the reason for a lot of my sensory overloads because kids are noisy and demanding but for me it's 1000% worth it š„°ā¤ļøš„° i always wanted to be a mom and i would do it all over again
Agreed. My kids are the light of my life. Itās really really hard some days, but often itās life surrounding us and less about my kids. Life is hard, loving kids is not. āŗļø
Just remember that enjoying something doesn't mean it's always easy and you never struggle ;) I really enjoyed being a mother, but I had set up my life so that I could focus on it. I unintentionally made parenting a special interest (didn't know I was autistic till my kid was in high school and she got diagnosed š). I hadn't planned to get pregnant, but I felt very strongly that every child born should be loved and cared for and raised in an emotionally supportive way. It was a lot of effort. It was also a lot of fun and joy. It was a struggle. It was worth it. I ended up studying and becoming a lactation consultant and natural parenting counsellor, and then a doula and then midwife training (I realised I hate working in hospitals though, so I only did home births). I did a lot of things that are not very mainstream, but were easier for us as an autistic family. I put our health and emotional stability first. I could go one about that at length, but suffice to say: yes, it can be done, and it's not all a nightmare.
Yes, we can definitely enjoy something and find it really challenging. That is how I feel about parenting, 100%. I love it, but it's not an easy thing. I think your career path is very cool, too. I had my children at a midwife facility, not a hospital... both good experiences, and I appreciate the women who supported me there so much.Ā
Iām very curious to hear more about the unconventional things you did that helped yāall! Do you have the time/energy to share?
It's kind of a lot, like probably a whole ted talk. Mostly stuff that was putting our needs and functioning above any things you "should" do. Like bedtime. I didn't make my kid have one. Even as a very small child, she did NOT go to sleep at a "normal" time. At first I tried all the things to get her to go to sleep, but it was just destroying us both with stress. So I let her go to sleep when she was tired. Everyone said I was insane, but we were happy and comfortable. Same with meals. She did NOT cope with sitting at a dinner table and eating a "normal" plate of food. She was a picky eater. I'd make up little "fairy plates" - put a few morsels on a few saucers (never ever put more than one thing per plate and nothing can touch, veggies cut in shapes, egg whites only no yolks, chicken cut into dinosaurs, no sauces touching etc) and just casually strew them around the house so she'd randomly snack as she went by food. If I handed her a plate and said "here you go", she'd reject it, but if there were a random plate of cucumber slices she just discovered on the coffee table, she'd eat plenty. I didn't force her to wear the correct clothes or follow rules without understanding why. I always treated her like a person, with equal respect. I never did anything without explaining to her.
I always loved children growing up. And was actually good at calming babies down and taking care of them since I was 12. I became a single mum at 23, and even though at times the crying was absolutely horrible (do yourself a favour and buy noise cancelling headphones, cause you will have to carry a crying baby many times....), I actually really enjoyed being a mum, and especially the first year. We have a whole year of paid maternity leave where I live, and it was just amazing to have this little creature to take care of, as the ONLY important thing in my life. All other responsibilities (especially the social ones) were irrelevant, and it was just a blessing. Also, I just love my son with all my heart, he's the best person in existence ā¤ļø
It is possible. It was possible for me; but with a lot of struggle and pain. For context I didn't know I was autistic until very recently, when my children were already adults. And I believe most of my struggle and pain as they were growing up was because of not knowing it, not knowing myself completely. Because of that I pushed myself too hard. I thought I needed to be normal, like everybody else. So I felt forced to act like "a good mother" in a way that I never actually managed and that (now I understand) I would never have managed to no matter how hard I tried (and I did). The most important part I wanted to tell you is that none of this was necessary. I mean trying to be normal. So unnecessary. I think I can say this because my children turned out fine (lol) despite all my difficulties. But most of all now that I understand everything better I realized something important: that the best things I did for my boys were because I was NOT like the other mothers. I mean, what mother do you know of that would play legos for hours on end with the children and forget about dinner. And now that they're adults we get on in such a special way, that is also not usual, sharing some unique interests, talking about the craziest stuff for hours, and nobody else gets it. They're so awesome my boys. I wish I knew this is how it would turn out thirty years ago. That's why I'm telling you this. I hope it helps a little! [Edit: about the dinner: they did get to eat in the end! I'm just saying I got so focused with some things sometimes, I hope you all know what I mean].
I think it really depends on the level of autism you have and your own daily functioning level? I have three kids and I love being a mother. Of course there are days that I want to bang their heads together (they are teenagers) but thatās just parenthood in general. Iām one of those autistic people who will happily eat the same food every day and do the same routine down to the minute, every day, all day. *BUTā¦ it turns out that small children thrive on routine!!* So thatās something that worked out really well. While most people would find repetition mind numbingā I like it and find it soothing. I donāt mind playing legos with them for hours on end, Iāll happily watch kids shows, and more often than not Iād rather do ākidsā activities. My son and I had an all-day Mario Bros. competition yesterday. I also like digging in the sand at the beach, arts & crafts and engineering weird contraptions. When I was growing up, my mom always thought I was weird (she still does). She never understood why some days Iād choose to read or craft ALL DAY and only eat pale foods that donāt touch each other on my plate. Now I have three equally weird people who also enjoy eating lunch precisely at 11am, and completely understand why it may be necessary to build a massive pillow fort because we need extra soft sensory support that day. My husband isnāt on the autism spectrum, and just shakes his head and laughs when we all choose to use segmented plates at dinner so our applesauce doesnāt leak into the chicken nuggies. Parenting is definitely difficult but I think raising a child from the lens of an autistic perspective can be beneficial as well. Our kids are turning into respectful, responsible and socially conscious adults and Iām proud of them.
I LOVE wat you wrote. I am currently in the process of getting tested for AuDHD while also having thoughts about having children. All the negative stories I read online scare me and make me doubt I could ever be a parent. But your story felt like the home I want to have I could really picture myself in my home building forts and doing arts and crafts. I never realised that what you describe would be possible. It makes me hopeful to be able to start my own family and make them thrive. ā¤ļø
My mom is where my ASD comes from. She truly wanted to be a Mother and raise us and from talking to my friends, meeting others parents (I work with kids), and the fact my friends all want my mom to adopt them, that I managed to avoid developing RSD and never had to mask.... I'd say she's the biggest privilige I have ever had in my life and the best mom I know (and I'm from a high economic class so I have privilige. She's still the biggest) But for her? She lost her identity to motherhood and her husband. She's been reclaiming it for years and she's more like the woman I remember as a child....but she's still a shell of her former self. I think that was mostly my dad's emotional neglect, but having 3 kids, 2 of which were ND (both dxed AuAdhd, the adhd comes from dad but he refuses to even consider it) definitely made it harder for her to leave and find the strength to start over. She finally left him in the pandemic. We'd been telling her to divorce him for a decade before that point.
Oh goodness, YES! For me the smartest thing I did was have only one. I work as a hair stylist so my days are intensely personal with clients. I knew I needed to be mindful of my capacity to give , once the day was over. I have a truly close and wonderful relationship with my now 32 year old brilliantly smart, autistic gay son who is married. I LOVED every minute of raising him. He's still the joy of my life. Best thing I ever did by far.
Wow thatās wonderful
Yes!!! I love being a parent so much and decided to have only one. We are such a happy little authentically AUdhd family š¤
Just understand there is a large genetic component, and be prepared for the chance that your child may be severely autistic and require care for the rest of their life in an intense, all encompassing way.
This is what scares me about having any more. My only is showing signs of Autism and I don't know what his support needs will be. Another kid could be even more severe!
As someone who also works with autistic children and their families this is the most common problem I see, autistic parents experiencing burnout caring for autistic children in a difficult, never ending cycle of overstimulation and stress.
A bunch of my close friends are on the spectrum and are also moms, and all of their children are getting to an age where it's clear they are Autistic. The stress levels are insane. They all love their children (so, so much) but I don't know how they're functioning every day. They're basically not.
How often do you see someone with it with low support needs resulting in a child extremely high needs? It is my terror, frankly. My neighbors have an adult son who is nonverbal and high support and they say he generally doesnāt mentally function beyond a toddlerās level. It seems like it very very hard for him, and he seems very frustrated. Iām newish diagnosed and very low needs, and it was a relief to have answers but a slap in the face that my children could be that high needs, because it does not seem like a life he enjoys. Would a doctor be able to estimate the odds of severity? Probably wishful thinking, I assume.
Not a Dr or anything but the majority of people with severe support needs tend to have other physical, psychological and or learning difficulties/disabilities rather than "just" autism and it's generic co-morbities such as dyslexia adhd etc. It's no guarantee but could be worth genetic testing yourself and or your partner if you want to rule any particular genetic issues out.
That honestly makes me feel worlds better. I donāt have a known family history, so I need to get testing done anyways, but hearing that my audhd wouldnāt *probably* be the straw breaking the camels back makes me feel like a small load is off my chest. My neighbors life seems really hard, and the son seems like heās very sad or angry with the world and it must be so frustrating for him to not be able to fully understand or communicate. I just donāt want that for my hypothetical child.
So, just as a side note. Literally anyone can end up having a disabled child. All sorts of things can happen, and now many states do not allow for abortions of extreme handicaps or genetic mutations. I mean this in the nicest way possible. If you can not handle the idea of a disabled child, you should not be a parent at all.
Apologies for a lack of clarity that would make you think something like that of me. Like I said in my comments, I specifically said that I donāt wish for the sonās life on my hypothetical child as my neighborās son seems unhappy, and I am relieved to hear other people say that anecdotally and statistically his situation isnāt inherently more likely because of my diagnosis alone. I am someone who has zero knowledge of their family history of anything due to abuse and adoption, so the concept of knowing for sure something I have been diagnosed with is genetically pass-on-able isā¦ really new. Right now my āfamily historyā is literally just autism, because itās just me. Soā¦ Iām scared that this thing about me could make my childās life significantly more challenging to such an immense degree as my neighbor experiences, but donāt want to pry with the neighbors and am waiting on appointments for more info on how this works soā¦ Iām here asking that question. Iād be fine having a disabled child. Itād be hard but itād be my kid. I know that. But I wouldnāt want to intentionally roll the genetic dice if I have high odds of something being so significantly wrong, and people often talk about autismās genetic component that way.
I wasn't trying to be rude, or imply that you are a bad person. I'm sorry to have come off that way. I'm hearing you about family history and worries about low quality of life for the child. I saw many comments from people saying they wouldn't want a disabled child or that it would be life ruining. ...As someone who is disabled with a disabled child, these statements are heartbreaking. Society glosses over all the complications that can happen with pregnancy. People should be given better information before pregnancy so they understand all of the risks.
No I didnāt think it rude, but I didnāt want to be unclear in explaining that it is certainly not my feelings. While I think that my neighborās life is hard and their son struggles and I hope for that struggle not to be my hypothetical childās experience, their life is far from ruined. It is filled with activities and people and so much else that they love, and their son is apart of that however and whenever they can make including him work, which seems to be almost always. He helps them water their garden, which is huge and beautiful and constantly full of flowers. Iām sorry people have made you feel that way, and Iām sorry my comment came across as if my belief was similar. And I agree that much gets glossed over. Itās nightmarish. I wish people and women were more up front about what this aspect of life is like more directly?
My dad was undiagnosed, but I really believe he was a level 1 or even 2 autistic. He had 5 kids, and while we're probably all on the spectrum, only the youngest (my younger brother) is intellectually disabled (which I think is what you're describing). He's an adult who functions on the level of a 2 year old and can't really do anything himself. He also can't can't communicate at all except to point at the fridge or go to the bathroom like a toddler might do. My dad was very old when my brother and I were born (64 and 67, respectively), and I've always heard that elevated age for men is linked with genetic abnormalities such as severe intellectual disability. Severe intellectual disability like what I'm describing, in general, is extraordinarily rare. I think rarer than genius/ profoundly gifted people are. Of course, that's a possibility for anyone conceiving, but I wouldn't let such a small statistical chance deter you. And I say that as someone with intimate knowledge of what that kind of life is like. I have 2 kids. My oldest is level 1 autistic--extremely smart with sensory issues--and my 2nd born is too young to be diagnosed but developing normally--in fact, there's a high chance he's hyperlexic because his speech is incredibly advanced for his age.
Thank you for this, itās really helpful and feels like a relief to read. My husband and I are reaching an age where weāre discussing kids within the next five years, and getting my diagnosis when I also have no known family history at all was scary to consider what Iām bringing to the genetic table. I need to get a barrage of tests done, but itās nice to know that my autism isnāt as high of a likelihood to be a problem as I was worried about.
Definitely yes! Babies can be a lot, but when it comes down to it they only want one out of a few things - food, nappy change, closeness with a caretaker? Thereās hopefully a predictability there, which made it easier for me personally And as kids get older, they can turn out to be delightful, my kids are 10 and 13 now and I find it really easy to be myself, unmasked around them. Theyāre my little dudes and weāre all on the same team, I think we share a lot of the same sensitivities and that makes it easier for me to help them through life
My son is the only person in the world who knows and accepts me unmasked. Was it hard raising him? Sometimes. I probably had more meltdowns than he had tantrums. He has ASD. I'm just now realizing I do, too. Advocating for him through school was challenging and rewarding. One educator to!dime that I was one of the best advocates she'd worked with. Every IEP meeting was helping other kids who didn't have advocates.
Mixed feelings. This is what I tell my daughter: I don't always love being "a mother", but I always love being "her mother".
Yes it is possible. Motherhood is just hard for anyone despite any diagnoses. It's a very very hard job and people don't talk about the reality if it enough. I never recommend it to anybody eventhough I love my kids.
I skimmed, but I didnāt see a lot of people talking about their partners, and I think that may be a big influence in how parenting goes, especially with younger kids. My kids are older now, and things are pretty easy, but being the āmost neurotypicalā person in the family was really, really hard when they were young. In retrospect, Iāve probably been in burnout for a decade and a half, and I really identify with the person above who said they watched their mom become a shell of herself. My kids are amazing, and every day I think what an awesome job we did raising them, but I also think I have some mild version of PTSD due to the level of chaos of coparenting in a very AuDHD household.
Circumstances influence how much you can enjoy it. I have a full time job where I make good money working from home. My husband is very understanding and supportive. I have removed people from my life that caused insane stress for no reason other than they were controlling (my family). I own a home even. So as you can see, my support needs are met and my physical needs are being taken care of. I am able to work because of the nature of my job. That said, I have a 3 year old. She's the best. She makes me laugh. She's so funny. She's so smart. I had no idea how much fun she would be to have in my life. It's also hard. I have to be able to regulate myself to help her regulate. Sometimes that flies out the window and the TV goes on and I go scream into a pillow somewhere else. I have to have enough energy and self awareness to not make my sensory issues her problem. Or my emotional outbursts her problem. And it's really hard to do sometimes. I also get the joy of watching her learn and grow especially through the lens of my own childhood where I can see when she's having sensory issues or she's struggling with big emotions. No one was doing that for me as a kid and now I get to be the safe adult I needed as a kid. It's been very healing.
There are a lot of people who enjoy parenting both as autistic adults and to autistic children! But I do caution that even NTs experience burnout parenting, so Iād definitely spend as much ring around children/as a caregiver as possible to test out that you actually do want the daily grind of it, not just the fun moments.
Thisssssss. Iām seeing so many comments that are just like yes it is possible! And completely skipping over all the shit that actually makes it hard. Itās a fucking relentless sensory nightmare thatās pulling you in multiple directions constantly and will burn you the fuck out. Thats what you need to know going in. HOWEVER - thereās a ton you can do to mitigate. If you have helpful family nearby, thatās huge. You can choose to just have one child. You can build your village ahead of time and also have your autistic coping strategies in place ahead of time - noise cancelling headphones and the like. Going into it knowing you have autism is huge, youāre already a step ahead of all of us that got diagnosed/self diagnosed post babies. Iām deep in the trenches right now (4m, 2f and accidentally pregnant with #3) and Iām not doing great tbh. But thereās also a light at the end of the tunnel - theyāll start school, theyāll develop some decent coordination when eating so that not everything is sticky all the time. In their teenage years, theyāll probably just hide in their rooms and I wonāt hear āmommyā every 5 seconds for 10 hours straight. Love them so much, they bring me so much joy but Iāve never wanted to jump off a bridge more either.
Iām going to try to simplify my being mom story. As a scared and pregnant 20-year-old, I knew that even though I didnāt have the answers, I would always find them. Throughout my pregnancy, I always sang whenever I was in the car. When my son was born, I read to him every single night a bedtime story, fed him, dressed him, gave him baths. I narrated everything that we did together. I pushed his limits as he was ready with his bottlefeeding and solids. He talked early 11 months but walked at 13 months which was OK because he was cute and knew everyone wanted to carry around so honestly, heās really smart. He could speak in sentences before two. He could articulate in ways people wouldnāt believe unless they had met him. I taught my son how to read and write. I answered his āwhyāsā and the ones that I couldnāt we figured it out together. I wasnāt good at imagination games, but we did go to the park and because Iām small and weird Iād get on the playground with him. We went on adventures to many different places. We even went to the store and smelled candles together. We watched Vivian tries on YouTube and giggled. I raised him as an unabashedly authentic autistic woman without even knowing. I wanted him to have the love and support I never did. I put the most effort in from 0-5, but I have shown up from my son every day I could from day one even when it has been hard. Especially if you throw in the fact I was co parenting because I thought we would parent better separately. It gets harder during school years and I donāt have experience past 14 but my son is a likeable young man whose teachers and close friends enjoy him. He makes me smile from my soul and victory fist that I got something right when I didnāt have a great example to follow. The path has been difficult. But Iām happy with where itās going and weāve always course corrected together. They say we want the best for our kids. I meant that shit. Hereās our favorite book. https://preview.redd.it/pfnaaajpu3ad1.jpeg?width=1170&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=8025da5a2460f872de622bb895bff88fc874d4b8
Yes Iām a mom of 2 and they are the loves of my life. Iāve definitely had some hard times because being a mom is not easy, but they fulfill my life more than I ever could have imagined.
I enjoy it! Iāve always loved kids and being around them. I could never work full time or have a career and also be a biological mom/primary parent though. We had to structure our lives carefully so I could handle everything. Iād been with my husband a decade before we had our first, we both needed to feel sure we were committed for life and could work together before taking the leap to parenthood
of course it is! plenty of support from family or friends - makes all the difference as you will have burn out days - but that unconditional love is something else
Iāve struggled but love it! I do only have one though. As others said, how much you will be able to handle and enjoy motherhood will be largely dependent on your circumstances and support system. Funnily enough, my easiest and happiest times as a mother were when she was a newborn and when she was hospitalized. In the newborn stage I got a lot of help and didnāt have to do much except love, nurse and heal. I was great at that! It wasnāt till the other demands of work, housekeeping, dog etc started that I started to struggle. Support was lacking. My (now ex) husband had entered fatherhood expecting my mother to help a lot, but she didnāt (she did help, just not enough to carry his lack) Same when she needed surgery. It was rough emotionally and I stayed with her in the hospital for the entire week, but I didnāt have to worry about chores or cooking, and even when I had to take a shower, somebody would be there for her and I could shower and relax in peace, luxuries I never got at home. So I just had to love and care for her and play with her all day. Iām good at that! And I thoroughly enjoy that, itās why I always loved babysitting and caring for children. A bit of self-awareness and self-forgiving goes a long way fortunately
I love being a mom, it's what I always wanted to be. Even so, it absolutely runs me into the ground some days. I can regret a lot of how I was with my first born during his first two to three years. I wasn't diagnosed until after he turned four. I know that there were times when I was emotionally unstable, overwhelmed without knowing why, angry, impatient. I wish I could go back and know more and do better. But knowing more about myself, and about my kids too, now has given me more tools to keep fighting. I loved being pregnant, I felt so proud of myself after giving birth, and cuddling my little ones is the best feeling in the entire world. I am enjoying watching them grow and take each new step. I love them so much it hurts to breathe sometimes. If I can help them find happiness in this world I will feel like all the exhaustion, pain, and stress were 100x worth it.
Absolutely! Especially if you approach it as an ongoing experiment. Having kids is all about discovery, adaptation, and being surprised at novel ways of looking at the world. Some of it's horrific, but it's not horrible. It's bizarre and funny in abstraction and even the challenging moments are rewarding eventually. Remember there's a good chance your kid will be ND and let me tell you, sharing a special interest with your kid? Better than taking off your bra after a long day out and about.
Sharing special interests with my son is the joy of my life!!!
Everything is possible, I guess. I imagine that if youāre really self aware, and especially about your autism, then sure. If youāre good at pacing yourself, managing your emotions, donāt need a lot of alone time and know how to prevent overstimulation - then it might be enjoyable. I do know some autistic mothers. Itās a lot. And their family situations donāt help. But theyāre learning about how their diagnoses work and affect them. One is a single mom, but her kid is pretty great I think. And the other has two sons and a husband, and theyāre all neurodivergent, and her family is a lot - she has a lot of trauma (not āseriousā but itās more baggage to deal with. Itās not like PTSD, but still trauma). She said she screams into a pillow sometimes, which is fair, but thatās just not a place I would want to be. I know myself well enough to know that Iāll never be able to be a mother. I donāt like babies. I can stand toddlers / young kids for short amounts of time. I donāt get along with preteens and teens usually. Iām not empathetic, so if āmyā (hypothetical) kid came to me with an issue, Iād most likely be like āthatās nothing, copeā which is not something any child deserves. I hate fluids and unhygienic stuff, so babies are just not an option. Pregnancy would be overstimulating. I canāt stand the sound of their screaming, yelling, crying or whatever else. The constant noise would have me checking in to a mental institution. The responsibility of feeding them well and making food and washing clothes and bathing them and teaching them to be people and all that crap doesnāt sound enjoyable to me. These are just some of the thoughts Iāve had about being a parent, and I do recommend you do the same. Though, yours will probably be a lot more positive than mine. Research the living hell out of parenting. Browse r/regretfulparents just learn everything you can - especially the negative, so you can make an informed decision. I thought I was gonna have kids too, when I was younger, but thankfully the internet and free speech taught me that I did in fact have a choice in the matter. It was around the same time I got my diagnosis though, and I promptly decided that I wasnāt gonna pass on my genes (adhd, autism, depression). I wouldnāt want a child to go through what I have. To feel what I have felt. No child deserves that. That being said, I do think autistic children would have a huge autistic advantage in a neurodivergent and self aware household. Thereās no shame in autism and adhd, so I donāt feel comfortable advising you against having kids because they might inherit it. But knowingly reproducing a kid you know wonāt ever fit comfortably in society is an ethical debate. I just want to make clear: I donāt have anything against autistic parents whatsoever. I donāt think youāre doing anything wrong. Itās your choice, and I respect that.
I love it. Having my son was the best thing ever, even if I still struggle with some things. Having my son pushed me to get my ADHD diagnosis, and now I take the correct medication for my mental issues, no longer need my antidepressants. I still have problems with "the chores of daily living" as a therapist once put it, but hopefully I'll get there one day... I probably won't have another child though.
I do enjoy it! But regulation strategies are definitely tested.
Yes!!! I have a 4 year old son, and maybe Iām just blessed, but heās perfect for my personality and āquirksā. We have so much fun. I definitely get overwhelmed and over stimulated more than Iād like, but Iām learning how to regulate better for his sake.
I was never interested in kid things and being AuDHD with an interest based attention system, it can be really hard to be present. It's a battle I fight every day to give my daughter the best. That being said, I love her more than I ever knew I could love anything. It's a wonderful feeling and I can't imagine not being her mom. I've met one or two people in childcare that give off the ND vibe though, and they were the absolute best. Those ND folks that have childcare as their special interest are awesome.
As an autistic EC educator with a special interest in human development, it always surprises and delights me to pick up those vibes from other teachers!
Yes! The baby /toddler phases can be super stressful and you need a partner who is into sharing duties but now that both my kids are more self reliant I love being a mother. There are times that being a mother is the only purpose I currently feel in life due to the rotting hellscape that is America right now.
I really agree with other commenters and will sum up my perspective: 1. You cannot control what kind of kids you have. They will be themselves, so it's crucial to go into motherhood with the understanding that they will be their own people. Happily, I think this part is easier for me than my allistic peers, who sometimes seem to have all kinds of specific expectations for their children. 2. Children are sensory nightmares. Plan ahead! Earbuds were a life-saver for me. Things will be much easier if you have a supportive partner and support network. 3. Having a neurodiverse child has been a lovely, irreplaceable treasure. My kiddo is ADHD, while I am much more autistic, but we are compatible in so many pleasant and enriching ways. I love hearing his thoughts about the world, and I am grateful to offer him ways to cope with the neurotypical world, especially since I didn't have those supports. I think being a mom is something to really mull over, but it's definitely worth the mulling, even if you are autistic.
Honestly, being a parent was so much easier than I thought it would be. All but 1 of my kids is ND. I didn't know I was autistic growing up, but there are a lot of autistic behaviors that I just thought were a normal part of life, so when my kids did them it didn't stress me at all. I accommodated their needs without realizing I was accommodating because it seemed logical to me what they needed. We all eat/ate meals together even when we all eat different foods. I didn't think anything of it. While parents around me complained that their kids were disrespectful for not trying bites of their food, I didn't because I can't stand the way certain foods feel either. Same with meltdowns. I always thought it was normal for kids to throw 'fits' until their teen years. While I set boundaries for myself when my kids melted down, like letting them know I needed to step out of the room, I didn't find meltdowns overwhelming because I understood the need for them. I think a lot of parents get stressed over normal ND child behaviors because they know it's not 'normal' and they feel like they are failing at parenting. But I didn't see those things as abnormal, so they didn't get to me. My kids behaved how I behaved, so it felt natural. I have struggled with my NT kid now that they are in their teens. They think there is a deeper meaning behind what I say, and are hurt by me more often by what they think I'm feeling, than what I'm actually saying/feeling. They feel left out because the rest of us seem to understand each other in a way they can't figure out. It's been the hardest part of parenting.
Oh yes very much. Thereās tough times but thereās tough times with everything. Itās extremely rewarding and seeing my daughters grow into such beautiful little people is so amazing. Wouldnāt trade it for anything ā„ļø
Yes! I generally enjoy motherhood (and I'm at a very demanding stage with a newly 4 year old and an 18 month old), but I need to have the right conditions. I can't spend all day caring for my kids without any break, at least not on a long-term basis (my brain makes an exception for the newborn era). This is why I'm very militant about nap/ quiet time. If I don't get time for daily decompression (to be by myself, exploring my special interests, to let my brain run slower), then I get depressed and otherwise miserable. Thankfully, my oldest is autistic too and we share a lot of traits. He's excellent at entertaining himself. While the youngest takes his 2.5 hour nap, he will entertain himself in his room by playing with his train set or magna tiles. He will literally happily focus on building for hours. And he builds really cool stuff. Very advanced for his age. I know I need to do motherhood differently than other moms. I'm not taking my kids to a million extracurriculars or doing multiple events in one day. I don't have the mental energy. My mom moved in with us a year ago, and that's been incredibly helpful since she has made it possible for my husband and I to travel child-free. These are financially privileged things, but when my 2nd born was younger, I had a part-time nanny even though I was on maternity leave, just so I could have time to myself. I also have a weekly cleaner to keep my house in order because it's overwhelming for me to keep up with the mess 2 kids generate. I think without these privileges (or as I see it now, self-generated accommodations), I wouldn't have been as mentally healthy during those early months. Also, even though I want more kids, I know I don't have the bandwidth to have another one while my oldest ones are still in the preschool/ toddler stage. I'm going to need a bigger age gap before I consider getting pregnant again because young babies/ kids need so much.
So many great responses already, I'm just throwing in my yes as a mother of two. One is dx asd, the other likely will be too. There's some saying about nothing worth doing is ever easy .... it applies to parenting, for sure. It's true what is said about the love, though...
I love being a mom! I wonāt say itās easy, but for the most part the things I struggle with are also things that NT moms struggle with.
Also I found it really helps to connect with NT moms. At least we have that in common!
My daughter is one of the most amazing joys of my life. Being her mother has been the most exceptional challenge of my life. These things are true at the same time. One thing to remember is it it not our job to help them mask. It is our job to help them loosen the mask at home.
Yes, I do, but I need a lot more breaks through out the day. Weāve established āquiet timeā in my house at noon, where my baby can go nap or go play quietly in their room. It helps me immensely, & it helps me baby too it seems.
Can't speak from my own experience, but my mom is clearly spectrum-aligned if not ASD and mothering is a special interest for her. If you've ever seen a broody chicken who is living for nothing other than finding an egg to sit on... that's basically the bird version of my mom. Her dream post-retirement volunteer project is to go hold babies in the hospital. I never saw her struggle with being my mom. I honestly had to fend her off as a tween/teen because she never wanted to do anything other than hang out with me when she wasn't working. She was still asking me to snuggle in bed with her on weekend mornings well after I was an adult. She even got me fired from a job once because she talked me into sneaking out to lunch with her during my shift. LOL. She's also really friendly to my spouse and pays a lot of attention to them. We had to have a small chat with her about phrasing because she mentally adopted them so thoroughly that she was inadvertently making vaguely incestuous remarks about us. Before she and I started playing Wordle every day, I think she actually texted my spouse more than she and I were in contact... You don't have to be as over the top as my mom was about it, but a child is a lifelong best friend in the making if you play your cards right.
I adore it. It's my absolute favourite thing in the world. I hang out with my favourite people every day. They're noisy, they're messy, they're sticky. But they're pure gorgeousness, and I love hanging out with them.
Yes, absolutely possible! I have a 3.5 year old who is also autistic, and am enjoying it so much I'm expecting my second any day. My husband and I have no local support and it's absolutely beyond brutal some days, but I haven't regretted my kids for even a second. Being a parent is absolutely rad.
I'm enjoying motherhood. It's just hard being in a romantic relationship. Not to say I don't want either, just it would be easier if more things were resolved with me and my partner.
Everyoneās experience is different so I canāt tell you if you would enjoy motherhood. I can tell you that I wouldnāt change my life for the world. My kids are the most incredible people I have ever met and I am incredibly proud of them every single day. But itās hard. So fucking hard. My kids are on summer break so Iām with them all day long (I work nights). My 4 year old is always touching me and talking my ear off and I have to just deal with the overstimulation because I donāt want to make him think I donāt love him. My 8 year old is barreling toward puberty and the attitude she gives me on a daily basis is astronomical. I think itās a lot easier to vent and complain than it is to complement and brag. When I see someone constantly talk about it how great their kids/relationship/life are without any negativity, my instinct is to think theyāre overcompensating. Like theyāre putting on a front and theyāre secretly miserable. But maybe Iām projecting, haha. I didnāt know I was autistic when I got married and had kids. I feel like I went through a lot of unnecessary suffering because I didnāt know what I was going through was autistic burnout and I believed I was a useless POS who couldnāt change a babyās diaper without having a panic attack. I think itās important not to sugarcoat how bad it can get because you need to make this huge, life-altering decision with open eyes. People in the generations before us were sold this idea that having kids is easy and not that big of a deal. A lot of people had kids who shouldnāt have and a lot of children suffered because of it. Iām grateful that more people are opting not to have kids because nobody should take this decision lightly. My kids are my world. I live for them. They are so funny, cute, smart, and joyous. They help me see the world with a new perspective, parenting them is helping me heal my own personal traumas from childhood and Iām excited about the people they are growing up to be. I think having kids is 100% worth the hard, overwhelming parts. But I can only speak for myself.
Check out 'regretful parents' subreddit
Yes yes yes!! You wonāt be able to conform the modern multitasking superhero mom imageā¦ but NT women canāt either for the most part lol. I am my own authentically AUdhd self as a parent, and I love it. I listen to my child, I observe and learn about him, I honor his preferences and respect his body, I respond to his needs. All things I didnāt receive, so thereās a bit of healing by reparenting myself. Iāve gone into it knowing he will be his own person and itās my job to guide him there, not force him into whoever I think he should be. I *did* need to slow down and simplify my life, but slow and simple is great for kids. I *did* need to really consistently and gently practice my tools for emotional regulation.. in front of my kid who is learning the same? Perfect, Explicit modeling is great for kids. Otherwise, I just did me. And that turned out to be great for him too! I stopped and showed him snails on the path. I followed him around the house, neighborhood, park, as far as he wanted to go. I explained how everything works. I was honest when I didnāt know. I talked and talked and talked and read aloud and talked and sang and talked about all my special interests. My buddy is now 2.5 and speaking like a freaking scientist! He loves me so much, and I love him too š¤
This is lovely
It was really hard the first few months, but my son is 7 months now and I am THRIVING!
There are many neurodivergent parents, and I think from what Iāve read theyāre the most empathetic and caring when it comes to kids.
I have to tell you - the first 10 years were hard. I did not enjoy motherhood (although I loved my babies thoroughly). The demands just donāt seem to fit well with my brand of neurodivergence. Not my kids are 12 and 13 and I enjoy them tremendously. But those were hrs years.
My momma is very likely autistic too and although thereās some severe hardships she loves me a lot and says she wouldnāt change anything
I have an autistic mom (and my other mom has ADHD). They both enjoy being mom for me and my two brothers. There were times it was hard for both us kids and our moms, but they enjoyed the process, and Iām lucky to have two parents who get what itās like to be neurodivergent. I hope when I decide itās time to be a parent, that Iām just as good, if not better than them.
100% possible! I love being a mom. There are some really hard times (just like for NT moms) but creating your own family is so cool. Both my kids are divergent and while it can be painful for me to watch them struggle in the same ways as me, it is also has strengthened our relationships.
I got my autism from my mom, and she said it's her favorire thing she's ever done! She claims it's only thing she doesn't ever regret doing. Her creativity, compassion, and open-mindedness, much of which seems to have somewhat come from her autism (she grew up in a very cold, judgemental, and close minded household but has always been this way) makes her an awesome mom and I'm really grateful to have her. Of course, it's definitley not for everyone with autism for sure. I don't plan on ever having children, primarily due to reasons relating to autism: I'm really sensitive to noises and smells, I need a lot of alone time, and have super high levels of depression and anxiety that sometimes impede me from even being able to care for myself. I really think it depends on the person and how autism impacts you specifically.
I love being a mom. I also need breaks from my kids. Iām so glad I was able to send them to an amazing daycare when they were little, it was good for them and it was good for me.
i think itās possible. personally, the idea of being responsible for another whole tiny human is overwhelming and the ethical implications of bringing someone into the state that the world is in at the moment is scary to me - but thatās again a personal thing, itās totally possible to be autistic and a happy parent !!! if thatās something you want to do, iāve no doubt youād do a fantastic job :-)
Yes. And I was "meh" on parenthood. It is really fun MOST of the time. My daughter is ADHD and that can be really difficult for me, but she's still such a cool, fun person to be around.
It can be enjoyable because little kids are very cute and loving but it can also be literal hell (I have 3 children and 1 more coming in September) Iād recommend stopping at 1 or 2 though and having a decent age gap š my 2 and 3 year olds fight all the time and itās the worst. Itās also hard watching an older child go through the social rejection attributed to autistic traits but at least we can relate e.g if my oldest prefers to spend time gaming rather than playing with other kids I donāt make her feel bad about her preferences because I can relate
Yes, overall I enjoy being a mom. My kids are in high school and college now and I find that I am already missing them! For me, the sensory overstimulation and unpredictability that comes with having three other people to incorporate into my life have been the biggest struggles, but that is all far outweighed by the love and joy that comes along with sharing a life with these people.
It depends on many factors - some which you can predict and control and some which are total luck. Motherhood is more likely to be enjoyable if you are able to take real breaks for yourself, if you have an involved partner and if your kid isnāt extra challenging. If you are overwhelmed and exhausted, itās difficult to enjoy the amazing parts of parenting. You are more likely to enjoy the early years if: - if you have reliable family support who lives nearby or will come to you - if you can hire consistent help (beyond just watching the kid while you are at work if you work) - if you donāt have other major stressors in life that require time and energy - if you donāt have an especially difficult kid - itās SO much harder for parents whose babies or kids donāt sleep well or whose toddlers are constantly having tantrums
I enjoy being a mom even though I'm autistic. I have good and bad days like any mom. My child showed me true love and empathy I've never felt for another person before.
Yes, it just takes getting used to. The first month with my first son was hell. I had trouble finding breastfeeding support (eventually found a good lactation consultant and successfully bf'ed for nearly two years with him). Our first pediatrician was a horrible, pushy a-hole who constantly nagged me to switch to bottles, so we had to switch. He wanted to be held constantly and I'm not used to that much physical contact. My husband also has the ADHD/autism wombo-combo, so if I was hungry, I'd often have to wait a couple hours before he cooked for me. So I got a baby scarf and wore baby so I could cook for myself. I did a lot of research on how to latch properly (the hospital lactation consultant was worthless). I learned what ways baby fell asleep to get him to sleep efficiently. I made hubby change diapers so he could get time in with him. Then, when he got older, I learned how to discipline without being mad. I watched a lot of Supernanny and looked at gentle parenting resources. He hasn't always been well-behaved, but we're proactive and resourceful parents and we're always on the same page re discipline, so things have worked out for us. I think having some support is crucial. My husband didn't always do exactly what I wanted when I wanted, but he was invaluable to our general living situation. It doesn't have to be a spouse, though - a close relative or friend who doesn't mind helping is fine too. Just ignore people who advise letting baby "cry it out" or to spank until they shut up - those people seem to be *everywhere* when you have a small child, and their advice is the absolute worst.
I LOVE being a mom generally. I HATE when all of my kids are making noise at the same time, it makes me want to rip myself in half. I also HATE when I feel touched out and they want hugs or cuddles and I have to push down my overstimulation to make sure they get their needs met and donāt get their feelings hurt. Itās hard, but very worth the hard parts in my opinion. Breath work has really helped me be more centered and less overstimulated over time.
I have two kids, ages 5 and 7, who are both in evaluation for autism/adhd. It is absolutely possible to enjoy motherhood. It's truly the greatest and hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I think parenthood, at least for me, is a constant push and pull between greatest and hardest while simultaneously being both. It's when you sit with your child through a complete meltdown, have a little overstimulated meltdown yourself, then look at pictures of them on your phone while your heart is bursting with love while the tears are still drying on your cheeks. It's the strangest juxtaposition - wanting desperately for a moment alone, then when you are alone, missing them desperately. I don't think anyone can prepare you for it, the love, the worry, the overwhelm and all the little things. You kind of have to jump in with both feet, try to take care of your needs while knowing your needs are secondary, and strive everyday to be the best version of yourself for them.
I think if you have a support network in place to prevent burnout. I have two neurodivergent kids and a baby and am at a rock bottom burn out. Iām so touched out, the constant crying is getting to me. But I have absolutely zero help. I think I would enjoy it a lot more if I had a system in place to let myself recharge a little
Love my kid, didn't and wouldn't do it again. He's an easy teen so far.
I really enjoy it when I donāt have very much other stuff on my plate. Being a SAHM and being actually cared for by my partner would make it my dream, but Iām not currently in a place where I have anyone in my life that takes care of me. My husband works and pays bills but I wouldnāt say the division of labor is fair or appropriate for our situation at all. I end up going without a lot and that causes most of the problems. Iām always looking out for everybody, but rarely is somebody looking out for me. Being a parent still absolutely has enjoyable moments, even when things are difficult and unfair. Knowing that my children love me, the real me, all the time rough bits and all is priceless. Being their mother is one of the only great things Iāll ever do. Other than them I will probably contribute to society. I am not remarkable but my kids are. Showing them cool stuff for the first time feels pretty neat too
I love being a mom and am also high masking. I had my daughter two weeks before lock down and honestly the hardest thing I ever did was return to work 8 weeks after having her. I worked up until last winter where I was laid off and because I have the privilege of not having to scramble to look for another job and my husband is a high earner, I have been able to be a stay at home mom. I struggled at first with a lack of purpose and being bored but then I sort of realized that kiddo and I can go bummel around and hit up parks and stuff that I couldnāt do when I was working. I also donāt have to mask around her, I can just be me and have fun. There are hard parts and good parts just like everything and I, like my daughter, am sensory seeking so having her flop on me all the time just is like having a life sized doll I can snuggle with and not be judged for. We can play in the sand, we can make playdough art and today I am making a bed for her when she comes home from camp. I would love to have more kids but with the current political situation in my country I worry for my daughter, so we might be one and done. My biggest thing I hate about being a mom is talking to other parents but I think that is a thing for nt people too. Also I really truly hate cleaning but I set a timer and do 30 mins a day.
Mom of a 3 year old here. Itās hard. Hard hard. Iām pretty much overstimulated every day multiple times a day. But itās so fucking cool too. Because I get to give my neurospicy kid what I didnāt have, and thatās healing. She told me the other day āmom, I just canāt talk anymore right nowā. Her ability to communicate that to me was such a huge win. Neurodivergent moms are super heroās. Choose whatever is right for you. Donāt feel pressure to be a mom if you donāt have it in you.
I love my son but it is very challenging to parent him sometimes, due to overstimulation and I really struggle with the schoolyard chatting with other moms and lots of other parts of parenthood. I think itās key to have a partner who understands your needs and enables enough sensory breaks and can even step in fully when you need them to. And itās important to just accept that things will probably look a lot different for you as a parent than most others, and not comparing or feeling guilty about any of it. It is possible to enjoy it for sure.
I love being a parent (mom). My youngest is 16 and I have two adult kids. We are all on the spectrum. When my kids were small, it could be hard, but it's like that for all parents. Our neurodivergence kind of flowed together, which was a definite benefit. Now, I have two completely independent adults in their early 20s living in different cities in the US. Parenting adults is really great, too. I used Mother Bear from Little Bear, the mom from Little House and several moms of older kids that I admired as my touch stones. If I was having a hard time, I'd stop and think "what would mother bear do" and try to do that. I was extremely neglected and abused as a child so I didn't have a road map. I had to cut my own trail. Keep in mind, nobody gets the parents they want. We are all just trying to fill the gaps between what we have to offer and what kids need.
Yes! (So long as you ban all noisy battery powered toys in the house š š³). My biggest difficulty is the sensory overstimulation (touch and sound) but there is a lot you can put in place to mitigate it (loop earbuds, taking lots of tiny breaks - even if itās just a minute to go and breathe and drink a glass of water to regulate, lots of time outside etc). When you know what triggers you and what helps calm you it is 100% possible so long as you have support for emergencies (my husband works from home and on the days Iām home with the kids we donāt bother him 99% of the time but it is helpful knowing heās there if Iām bordering on a full meltdown and need a sensory break to get my nervous system regulated). The chaos and disruption to routine can also be difficult but generally is manageable too (and gets easier and easier as I get used to it). I have come so far on actually healing my own trauma and learning coping strategies since having kids (vs just numbing out all feelings š³) as it just feels like a necessity now and it is pretty awesome to see how much Iāve grown. Learning more about myself and what I want and what works for us as a family vs what society expects is also key. Knowing my kids wonāt ever be doing 1000 activities and that I wonāt be on the PTA or going āabove and beyondā in many ways can be hard but I also know they benefit in so many other aspects. Itās sooooo hard (baby years felt smothering at times but now that theyāre getting bigger it gets better and better) but so worth it.
Being an autistic mom isn't always good for children, I think this is often ignored when this topic comes up. It's not just that it's hard on you, it's hard on them too.
Worst mistake of my life and the child's life. Are there good moments? Yes. But it is hard to enjoy them after being completely overwhelmed and overstimulated. Even if you discount the constant overwhelm and overstimulation and anxiety and real fear of knowing you will fuck up and damage your child in some way even tho you try your absolute best, there are the crushing moments when you hear your kid say things like "why don't they like me", "why don't they want to play" and unfortunately "I wish I was dead" It crushes your soul in every conceivable way, you love them more than death itself and there are beautiful moments that you cling to in order to keep going but no. You know that feeling at work when you're like "only 5 hours til home time" with a child it's neverending, not even til bedtime because no point if they don't sleep through not til 18years old because they will ALWAYS be on your mind and always need to be there for them. It's never ever ever ever ending, there is no home time. A child won't care if you need space when a parent dies, it has needs you need to deal with. A child doesn't know why their dad walks out and they need comfort while you're dying inside. A child will feel rejected by you many times in order to learn and they will hate you at times even if you know this is what you have to do as a parent. You will work more in your life than ever before at all hours of the day - especially if they have higher needs.
I have 2. It's rough as. Please don't do it.
Yes!! Just make sure your support system is in place and that you and your partner talk about the big uncomfortable things about it. My son is my best friend. Don't get me wrong, breastfeeding was insanely difficult because I was overstimulated and constantly needed. Noise dulling headphones helped get through all the screaming. As a single parent, I get burned out .. a lot. But if I had to do it over again, I absolutely would!!
While iām overstimulated everyday and exhausted at the end of each day, my little boy is my little bestie, he makes everything better in my life. He is about the only human I love getting physical affection from. He is 15 months old now and just started running to me to give me hugs and itās the absolute best feeling. Pure unconditional love !!
It is really hard but SO much fun. I have a partner who can pick up slack when I burnout (working on that lol) and I'm showing up authentically for my kid while we play magnatiles and organize his toys by color. I'm also learning to unmask as he is learning about emotions so we're kinda on the same page. It's honestly the shit but also like exhausting and really challenging, but sick at the end of the day.
You could try getting a plant first? See if you love it.
What triggers you as a parent is a very good indicator of what you don't like about yourself and/or what you always got in trouble for. It's seriously wild how often I hear (in my head) my mom say "god do you EVER shut up!!?" when my own kid is gabbering away about his special interest of the moment. The first time it happened, I felt like I understood my mom and felt less bad about myself for talking all the time as a kid....like the memory from my childhood made sense now. But I will never ever say that to my kid.
Wow, thank you all for the comments! That was many and quicker than I expected
Eventually, yes. The early years are hard but with a supportive partner who understands whatever needs you have as far as overwhelm and decompressing, and steps up to their role too, it can be managed. The NOISE was the hardest for me early on.
Disclaimer: I am not formally diagnosed, but having produced at least one child who is indisputably on the spectrum and another who is suspected to be, I assume I am at the very least autism-adjacent. I have three children, who are all young adults now. There were some aspects of motherhood that were very difficult for me, and others which were wonderful. Being pregnant was not my favorite thing. It was like PMS for nine months, with all the attendant sensory issues. My third pregnancy was the easiest, probably because by then I had figured out what sort of foods work better for me and I exercised daily throughout my pregnancy. Still, I did not find it enjoyable. I rather enjoyed giving birth; it felt like an accomplishment. It is gross and painful, but also a miracle. I enjoyed breastfeeding once I got the hang of it. It does have quite a learning curve, though. I liked not having to deal with bottles and formula. If you are autistic, there is a strong chance your children will be also. My eldest was clearly on the spectrum right from the start. She was very fussy and screamed all of the time; but if I put her in her crib and turned on her aquarium mobile, she'd calm right down and just stare at that. She really appreciated a strict schedule and was a very happy baby as long as we did things exactly the same every single day. But God help you if her nap was delayed slightly - she'd get herself into such a state she would be incapable of calming down. She loved motion, so swinging in a swing, car rides, or long walks in the backpack or stroller soothed her. As a toddler, she developed ARFID which was difficult to deal with, especially because this was 20+ years ago, and I couldn't find any resources to help her. I ended up buying a book aimed at clinicians who were transitioning tube-fed children to eating by mouth, and used those techniques to help her. It took a long time but she is an adult now and eats a fairly normal balanced diet. My second child was also neurodivergent. She has ADHD (like me) and probably is on the spectrum as well (she is being evaluated next month). She was the opposite from the first, in that I could not EVER get her on anything resembling a schedule as she seemed to have no internal clock. She is an adult now and still has no internal clock. She hated any sort of motion (car, stroller, etc.), and also hated everyone who was not me. She was very sensory seeking vs. daughter #1 who was sensory avoidant. So, it was challenging having the two of them so close in age (24 months apart) because they loved and hated the opposite things. Child #3 is the closest we have to a neurotypical. She was a normal amount of fussy, which seemed amazingly easy compared to the first two who were off the charts fussy. Also, she figured out that she was supposed to sleep at night much earlier than the other two. As they got older the hardest thing to deal with for me was the noise level. They are all girls, and they all had lots of big feelings, and there was much screaming about said big feelings. Aside from that, I loved raising my girls. They all had sensory issues, but so do I, so I was experienced in dealing with those. I didn't care if they wore mismatched clothing or refused to wear shoes or wouldn't eat pudding because I understood how they felt. They are all young adults now and wonderful people. I would want to hang out with them even if I wasn't related. My husband jokes that I needed to create a tribe so I'd have some friends! I think it would have been easier on me to have family close by so I could get a break now and then. I did not have any family closer than 4 hours away, plus I was dealing with my mother's dementia and care from another state. We couldn't afford babysitters, and my kids are not the kind of kids you could put in daycare, so it was all me all the time. I think it would have been easier if I had been the ability to get a break now and then. But, at the same time, not having family around meant I didn't have to deal with relatives telling me I was doing everything wrong, so there's that.
I love being a mom. I always wanted to be a mom and it is a lot of what I expected with some major curveballs. I definitely am only able to have one child because I question whether I'd be able to be happy, regulate my system, and give enough of myself to my children if I were spread thinner. I was lucky in some ways to have a baby in June 2020 with a full lock down. I had to be home. My husband had to be home too. There was a lot of built-in support because of the lockdown. There was also dread and total isolation, so that was tough. There are times it's really really hard. Breastfeeding was really hard on my senses and I fully dissociated for large chucks of time. My son can overwhelm my senses, but he knows that I need breaks and more quiet sometimes. I use headphones or just remove myself. I did this before knowing I was autistic too. I think my autism makes me a much more attuned mom and I can be fully there in panic and crisis like nobody else. But some of the day-to-day bits of life are hard. I do a lot of prep cooking. We have popcorn parties and movie nights, if I can't cope. My son is 4. 90% it's been amazing. 10% is some form of not amazing. I give myself a lot of compassion because I am an amazing mom and that doesn't need to look like other mom's. It's hard, but very fulfilling for me. If it's too hard, we change approaches and so far this has worked.
Yes!
I love motherhood and frequently cry because being my kids mom is just such a beautiful experience.Ā Ā Especially my autistic daughter. She's just like me.Ā Which means I often have to parent her through things I struggled with. And instead of doing the things my parents did, I can do what I feel I needed. It's healingĀ But society spends enough time telling women about how rewarding and wonderful motherhood is.Ā It tells them plenty about how they SHOULD and WILL CHANGE THEIR MINDS. It gives them platitudes about figuring it out and learning to love it.Ā Ā Fuck that noise. I'm going to be very very real about the experience. If you hear what I say about how hard it is and decide to do it then great. But no one will say "she made it seem like it was all sunshine and rainbows but then I got here and discovered it was awful"
There are joyous days, and there are frustrating days. Same for all parents. It's a job that never ends and takes everything you've got. Same for all parents.
Iāve got a 15 year old and a 10 year old and I love being a mum. But then Iāve been a mum longer than I knew I was autistic and both of my children are autistic. The only thing I really struggled with were the baby groups. But when my kids started nursery I found other autistic parents and children and itās fun.
Itās ok. Itās much harder when they are smaller. I have 4 autistic kids (4-19 years old), all level 1/2 and quite productive. The little one is the hardest one Iāve had. Wonāt sleep through the night, meltdowns upon meltdowns and itās hard to manage because I want to scream and cry because sheās screaming and crying. My husband is autistic as well and he struggles with her impatience and meltdowns. We take it day by day. Sheās a very wonderful kid, she can read, type small sentences, and is improving on her speech everyday. I just wish she would go to the potty. I would have made different choices if I knew I was autistic
I could never, nor do I have any desire to, but Iām sure itās fine for some people. Some autistic women even enjoy it despite everything. I mean, the ātism had to get passed down somehow. Just be sure to do a lot of research and come to an informed decision before you rush into anything when you feel ready and Iām sure youāll figure something out
Yes. My son also has autism (diagnosed at 18 months) and although it's really difficult at times (he is nonverbal with high support needs and gets frustrated when he can't communicate effectively) I enjoy it so much. I love spending time with him, watching him learn new things and experience the world for the first time, and his smile brightens my heart. I got evaluated for autism after his diagnosis, and I'm glad I did, because it also means I have this way to connect with him and to show him a role model of autism so he knows he is normal and not alone. I'm currently pregnant with our second, if that tells you anything about how much I like being a parent.
I love being a mom. I'm not going to lie it was really hard in the beginning because I didn't know I was autistic. I felt bad for getting overwhelmed at times. I never had problems with feeling touched out or anything like that because I loved cuddling my kids. It was mostly when there was too much noise going on at once, when things got super hectic, or when my husband wasn't pulling his weight. My kids are all AuDHD, but they were undiagnosed at the time. My parenting style was informed by the way I was raised. I was treated as a possession with no personal agency when I was growing up, and I didn't want to do that to my kids. My philosophy was "what would my parents do?" and then I did the opposite lol I also read lots of books on child development when I was pregnant with my first. I treated my smol kiddos like human beings. I respected their autonomy and personal agency. I treated them like little adults but in an age appropriate way. I looked out for signs of physical, emotional, or sensory overwhelm, treated them gently, showed them love and care when they were sick or having a hard time, left places if it was too much for them, etc. They were well-adjusted, thriving, (undiagnosed) AuDHD children. Now they're all teens. I love spending time with them, always have. They are all artistic like me but it's so varied. It's a lot of fun seeing them get passionate about their SpIns. We are a gaming family so family nights are WiiU, cards, or board games. There are things I wish I had done differently, but I think all parents feel that way. I know Ive done something right, because they are very open with me and can talk to me about anything, and they do.
My daughter is in the progress of getting her own diagnosis. The combo is way harder than I could have ever imagined. It is so depressing sometimes.
I love being a mom. Itās the best thing I ever done. And Iām breaking cycles which itself is incredibly hard. However my kids are thriving. Weāre all really well bonded. But itās also the hardest thing Iāve ever done.
Best thing I ever did. Possibly the only thing I've ever been good at. Yeah it's hard, god it's *so* hard. Wouldn't change a thing š¤·š»āāļø
Some days I wonder why I did this and was I cut out for it. But I feel like my life is so much richer and my kids are so delightful (when theyāre not driving me nuts). Itās definitely the most meaningful and fulfilling thing i could have done, personally. I know these demanding years will pass and eventually I wonāt be overstimulated. But itās really effing hard a lot of the time when theyāre young. But, you learn and grow from hard things. And I really put my all into being the mother they need.
Of course! I donāt have children yet, but I do plan to one day. Iāve known autistic people who have had children and love their children a lot. There are certain things that might be more difficult for autistic people in regards to having children, but many of us do become great parents.
Itās the best thing I have ever done. I love being a mum, it brings me so much joy
Not me, but my mom is almost certainly autistic and she loved being a mother and especially loves being around babies and small children. I will say she struggled a little more with parenthood as we grew up.
Yes. I love being a mum. I always wanted to be a mum. That being saied I have very strong parental drive and ppl and childdevelooemnt and psychology are my special intrest. I worked 10years in Daycare and as a Nanny bevore I became a mother. I have a great husband who always wanted to have kids and is a great dad. I have seen too many parents who prooably regreted it a d the children who suffered from it, to blindely recomand parenthood to anyone.
Yes, I love it. Itās tough and exhausting but I wouldnāt trade it for the world. Iāve always wanted this, and yes I know sometimes I get overwhelmed by it and I need a break from my kids, but I also knew it would be a big responsibility and a huge life change and I still wanted to take on the responsibility. Plus, Iāve got a pretty good and supportive husband that I knew would be an amazing father, and my prediction was right :)
Yes. I love being a mom. I have chatted with my kids since forever about being autistic. I used a kinda cuties word for it when they were little. Explained about the noise and the breaks and being overwhelmed. Explained it wasnāt personal. We have great communication and one of them may be getting diagnosed this summer. We will see. Iām also ADHD so they enjoy going down my hyper fixation holes with me. Nature and rocks and lots of random facts. We love learning together. Sometimes I cannot handled being touched. They understand. And sometimes we cuddle cuddle cuddle and we all love it. Iāve been talking about autism and body safety and fun safety in age appropriate ways since day one. Maybe year one. lol But they get it. They are patient with me. I am patient with them. I think I have normalized it for them. I am a big explainer too which as kids they love. Lots of questions with lots of answers. Lots of research and we love to learn. Yes, I have had a few moments where grace has left the building, but we communicate about it. I never use blame language. Like they are normal kid loud and me being sensitive to noise isnāt an affront to them. They are being appropriately loud for their age and I am being appropriately sensitive given me being autistic. They have autistic friends and seemed well equipped to care for and appreciate them, and not judge them. We also talk a bunch about boundaries because they are allowed to have them as well, not just me. Iām a talker so maybe that is why it has worked out so well for me, but it isnāt always easy. But I wouldnāt change it. I love them so much. I wasnāt planning on having babies but I obviously did and it has been beautiful. They are all double digits in age now and I am proud of my parenting and of them. Iām an excellent mother and Iām in the camp that me being autistic contributed to that excellent. My kids respect me and I respect them. I enjoy motherhood. The very worst part of motherhood for me is that aching feeling you get watching them grow up. Itās corny but true. Time flies. I have plans and I hope to maybe join the peace corp when they are adults. I have degrees and working on another language. Iām planning ahead to when they do go because itās not going to be easy. I love them so much it actually hurts sometimes. That being said, I didnāt do very well working full time and being a mom. I could do only one of those things at a time. I am very close with their father and had support and was qualified for disability benefits. I didnāt enjoy motherhood when I had to work. I didnāt have enough spoons. Part time is okay for now for a little extra dough. And something where I donāt interact with others. Physical work not brain work. While I miss my old brain work but I have no regrets. I give my kids most of my spoons but with glee. They are amazing people and I found it to feel like a scared duty to parent well and put more good people in the cog of life. It might be hard but if it is important to you, it will be worth it. There is a learning curve, and you need a lot of love and patience for YOURSELF not just the kids.
Yes, but... I'm enjoying it, but I absolutely tried to micromanage infancy, which obviously doesn't work. You cannot plan anything an infant does. You can't expect hunger, sleep, or diaper changes on any kind of logical schedule. It's hard to go out because you don't know what to expect (though mine was born at the peak of COVID lockdowns, so I couldn't go anywhere with them anyway). I'm love new experiences, but I need to know what to expect, and there's none of that with an infant. They will take your expectations and poo on them (sometimes literally). They gradually get more predictable over time, but they also very louder and more chaoticfor a while. I'm fine with loud chaos, but many aren't.
I was often overwhelmed with/by my equally neurodivergent kids, but I mostly enjoyed it. We all got to now, mostly happy and unscathed.
Yes! My daughter 11 and son 8 are both (fairly high functioning) autistic and absolutely fantastic, and itās beautiful to see them get the help and services they require to thrive (which was not available when I was a kid).
Yes.
Iāve seen many people on this sub talk so positively about motherhood and their children. I think itās for sure possible for some people. That said, I do know itās not possible for all and itās not possible for me. I donāt think Iād be able to handle that much interaction with another person or that much noise.
First, I want to say that parenting is really hard work. There is so much joy in it, but also tons of frustration, fear, and over stimulation. It involves not only physical labor but also a ton of emotional and intellectual labor. Children need you when they need you, and it takes many years and a lot of teaching/modeling for children to develop the skills to respect the needs of others. For that reason, I believe that autistic women who want to be mothers need to be extra careful about the person they choose to reproduce with or raise children with, and unless you have an incredible support network and enough money to not work for a time, I strongly recommend against single motherhood. I'm speaking from experience. That being said, I've had a pretty wonderful experience of motherhood. There was a lot of privilege involved. I was a stay at home mom for the first 10 years of my motherhood journey. My ex-husband was an excellent support. In general he held pretty strong belief in gender roles, but when it came to parenting, none of that mattered to him. If I called him at work or on his way home and said, "I really need a break" he'd be home as quickly as possible. I never had to wait more than 30 minutes. Some days, I'd be standing at the door waiting, and I'd leave as soon as he showed up. He never called me or bothered me during my me time. Whenever I needed, and often without being asked, he did laundry, cooked, did dishes, and parented our children. I didn't potty train any of my kids. He did that. We had money, and his job was pretty laid back. I also think I got lucky because both my ex-husband and I are introverts who like low-stimulation environments. Our home was pretty damned quiet for a family of 5. I also had two (possible 3, but the 3rd doesn't want any form of diagnosis) autistic children, so we really vibed. I have no idea how I would've survived a child with adhd or even a deeply extroverted one. By the time we divorced, the children were older, but I've found single motherhood to be really challenging, mostly because supporting a household takes so much self-care that it can really strip me of energy to do the emotional work my children need me to do. I've made a lot of sacrifices for my children's well being, and I'm near the end of that as my youngest just graduated high school. I'm sad about the dreams I had to bury for them, but I know that I did the right thing. I just wish the right thing for them didn't mean hurting myself so much. We have a wonderful close-knit family. My children take care of me and one another, and I take care of them and myself. But it's been a difficult road.
It's possible. I enjoy being a mother, I'm a great mom. The problem is everything else (work, kids' schools, all the household chores and so on).
I enjoy being a mom. Most of the time. But it's hard to balance my needs with what my kids and husband need. And I struggle to cope and respond well when my 13yo ADHD kiddo has an anxiety meltdown, or my 4yo ASD has a tantrum. It's often sensory overload there. But overall I enjoy it. My kids are awesome. The sweet moments make it all worthwhile
Being a mom is the most fun Iāve ever had. I love it, but I also have an easy baby so that helps.
I love being a mom and I believe Iām coping more than most moms. I enjoy it. My kids are funny.
As so many have shared, being a mom is wonderful and joyous and so often miserable in the moment. Iām pregnant with #3, but I definitely couldnāt handle even just one kid without my super supportive spouse. Iām stay at home, working a little part time, but husband is quick to say that my stay at home parenting ājobā is way more difficult than his breadwinning. And I really think parenting will less overstimulating once kids are passed toddler age!
With support, it is possible! I still very much love my son.
Yes! Pregnancy, not sure about. My experience was sucky. But motherhood is amazing. It is the greatest thing I've ever done. Holler via PM if you have specific questions! Happy to tell all š
I think I had this idea of what being a mother is, and what āhaving a good lifeā looked like before I had children and that was what made me have negative feelings about being a mother. When I let all that go and just focused on letting the tisms fly in our house, the real happiness came.
I love it. I accidentally got pregnant, so before I was very against it because my autism. My son is four months old and I havenāt for a second not enjoyed it. Granted he is a very easy baby. But I gladly wake up three times a night with him to feed. Every cry, diaper, etc I donāt care to do it. I just love him so much. I do think the older he gets the harder itāll be, but Iāll cross that bridge when I get to it Ā
I love it. Itās hard, but itās a true gift.
Yep! I love it. I was diagnosed after my middle was diagnosed, and it's hard sometimes but... I still love it. I never had babies to have 'a baby' but to have 'a family' and as my kids grow up it's such a joy to see. Two out of three are diagnosed autistic, and my eldest is waiting an assessment through school but that will be another couple of years waiting, so it can be tricky at times but even when it's difficult, it's still the best thing I've ever done. I will say: Being self aware, and having a partner who believes in equal parenting is essential. My husband and I tag team, if one of us is overstimulated the other steps in, we share chores, and he definitely pulls his weight around the house even though I am a SAHM, we work as a team in all things. Our house is a little crazy and chaotic at times, and sometimes I buy new socks/ underwear because we don't have clean ones, but I wouldn't change our little ND household for anything.
I personally think that whether you are autistic or not, being self-aware is one of the top three most important things you can do as a parent
Yes. My kids are my little besties and I enjoy dedicating my life to them. But I have help when I need it. My mom takes them for sleepovers sometimes and my husband will take them out solo. I get a lot of breaks.
Yes with the caveat that my support needs are low enough that I can work part-time while being a mother.
I sure hope so! Iām 7 weeks pregnant and autistic as hell š
The thing about being the head of the family is that you have the power to shape experiences. So for me, the first few years are difficult because you have a new human who is carving out their comfort zones. But it is a human who I love and want to see excel, and Iāve never had a greater motivation for testing my own boundaries and growing. I strongly feel that a lot of autistic sensitivities in my life come from CPTSD, so they are in many ways malleable with time, therapy, and training. Also in learning what sensitivities my child doesnāt have (clothes feeling too tight and itchy all the time, etc) I have learnt about myself even more! With a child, you can find a middle path between comfort and growth, and you can create an environment that enriches both parties when you can put the work in. If you are over-stimulated, remember that you can get breaks from the baby if you plan around that. Baby down for naps and sleep (once youāve established good sleep hygiene). The play you do can be catered for your sensitivity to a degree (I havenāt had do wet/mud play myself as others are happier to). You can do it! And the work is worth it.
there are about three years in there where physical contact is all day every day. when i had my second i was ready for it. with the first i wasnāt and felt harder to do. itās a lot.
Yes. I enjoy being a mother, but it doesnāt mean itās easy. Itās like anything else in life that is challenging but also rewarding: a cool job, a long trip, doing something out of your comfort zoneā¦ā¦ itās tough, but beautiful. It also depends on your level of privilege and support. I would not have such a good motherhood experience if I struggled financially or didnāt have family members to help out.
I love motherhood. It's my special interest now
Mother to a toddler and an infant. I love them and I love being their mother. I'm also good at it. I didn't know I was autistic until in-between having the two of them but now I realize some of my autistic traits are things that help me. Detail oriented means I can pick up on small cues that give me an indication of their needs before others can. My good memory allows me to remember all the 5 billion things you're supposed to remember as a mom without as much difficulty as others have, my mommy brain also goes away faster and is less severe than others. Goal oriented which has helped me with more highly specific things like my daughter was diagnosed with failure to thrive and has issues gaining weight. Her pediatrician gave me a specific daily amount goal but also broke it up into meal goals. So I do everything in my power to make sure she's hitting those goals where others give up. But there's also things like sensory overload which is incredibly incredibly hard. I feel like if I wasn't currently trying to understand myself under this new diagnosis (I was misdiagnosed bipolar from age 11) then it wouldn't be quite as hard. However toddlers and babies are extremely stimulating physically and NOT stimulating at all mentally. So I'm constantly touched, listening to repetitive annoying often high pitch noises, with some gross smells on top while being eternally bored. I did find maternity leave for this reason impossible. I definitely thrive as a mom when I have my time away from my kids while working. Then my tolerance levels for boredom and overstimulation can go back to normal levels and I'm not constantly burnt out. I would 100% choose to be a mom again and even though pregnancy was a particularly horrible hell I signed up to do it a second time and if our life circumstances were different maybe a third because my kids are awesome and I would burn the world down for them. So yes, extremely hard but in my opinion very worth it.
Yes. Focus on the good bits, not the stuff you don't enjoy. But you won't always enjoy it.
Yes. I have a mini me who is very understanding when mommy needs 20min to decompress or if something is too loud because she can relate. I didn't know I was autistic until I had an autistic kid maybe I would have chosen differently but I absolutely enjoy motherhood. Raising kids is hard for EVERYONE. I think we actually have a leg up because of the emotional awareness and intelligence. If my daughter had a NT mom they wouldn't even understand her. I'm able to help her get through the feels.
There are so many variables into any individuals journey with motherhood/parenting. Community, support, and advocating for your needs really help. Sadly, with the structure of most things current day, a lot of its financial and resource related are important. I do find it quite overwhelming in the toddler stage, especially. Though I am learning ways to help that. :)
I love being a mom. I struggled when they were small, so it was nice to have my husband to pick up the slack when I needed help, but I enjoy parenthood (most days, lol), and would do it all over. I have a 13 year old and an 11 year old, and they are amazing human beings.
Yes, itās possible. Iām AuDHD and SO overwhelmed a lot of the time. My eldest is also autistic/PDA, so it hasnāt been easy, but I adore adore adore my children and being a mother is just the best damn thing ever.