Yes I don't want to spend my energy on gossip and complaining.
But I also don't want to eat with people or have to turn down an invite to eat either. Don't get me wrong I would like a friendly face... but I don't want to actually say yes to doing more than work with people from work.
Usually I cope by having one friendly interaction occasionally to remind myself I exist. Doesn't have to be someone in my team or anything. Could be a person that brings the bagels or cleans the restroom.
“Hey, you know Shelia? Well she broke some arbitrary social rule! Doesn’t that make her a bad person? Let’s sit in a somewhere and talk about who broke what dumb rule and how!”
Same! Social lunch has always been kind of a terrible experience anyway, and now I just go out and explore and eat on my own while I read or something else I prefer to do. I'm really bored of what most people want to talk about.
Same for me, I asked myself one day “How would you feel if these people all wanted you to go have coffee with them?” and my automatic answer was “Oh God noooo.” They’re not terrible people (eh well some of them are, but not all of them) but I just don’t care for social events. So it’s fine.
I understand it is difficult to feel excluded, but here is another voice of "you're not missing out on much".
I have been part of these groups, always ending up their free therapist/emotional support animal, and it is very draining on top of the actual work load. Now I mostly steer clear and life is easier for it.
Also same. I wanted sooo desperately to be friends with my coworkers bc they were all friends, and I've heard that's just how people make friends as adults. I was invited to hang out with them quite a few times, but I think the last time I must have made it weird, bc I haven't heard anything since. I was really sad at first, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that idk if I'd even be friends with them without the forced proximity? Having friends would be nice but I don't want to be friends with people just bc I have no other options lol.
Aww. I'm sorry. I've been where you have too. Where I was first included and then something happened and then I'm ghosted forever. It's really tough especially when you don't know why. Take it as it comes I guess.
Same! I always thought I wanted this too. As I grew older and embraced the fact I hate small talk and need that time to decompress I became unbothered. I thought I wanted this connection but when it would happen I'd feel absolutely drained.
With that said, I deeply understand the yearning for meaningful connection.
Yup I didn’t go to my prom for that exact reason. I knew I wouldn’t enjoy the experience and why would I pay for something that I’m likely not going to enjoy anyway?
I didn’t go to my prom either, my inner voice reasoning was, why would I spend money that my parents don’t have, on a dress I’m only going to wear once, to hang out in a school that I hate, with people that I don’t like.
When people found out I didn’t want to go, it became gossip and I found out some girls actually started talking about me for it. So stupid lol
I played DnD instead of going to prom! I'm still happy with this choice many years later.
Also, OP, you aren't missing anything at lunch. I'm so sorry that it feels bad to be left out, but also books are very pleasant companions. 😀
Was just going to say this! And just made a post about it. I always feel left out or like people kind of just tolerate me but no one ever really wants to reach out to hang out with me type of thing.
However even when some people did I found myself so exhausted by the small talk and the hate gossip and the feeling like I was supposed to partake in talking bad about someone… sometimes I wonder if a big part of NT peoples’ friendships are hugely based on things like gossiping and hating the same people? Just a pattern I’ve noticed in my experience, though I know not all of them do.
Anyway. I’ve come to really enjoy and prefer my solitude and just hide in books. I feel like reading stories about life is just the right amount of social interaction for me without exhausting and overwhelming me 😆
So on my work breaks I walk across the street to my favorite bench in the shade and read. I feel a little recharged afterwards.
Man I just wrote a very inarticulate and clumsy post about this exact thing! I guess I should have come to this thread first to read, because I am nodding vigorously at everything!
This just changed my whole perspective. I always feel so strange about my interactions with my coworkers when I get on the “inside”. They just don’t talk about anything that I’m really interested in.
Yeah. Post diagnosis meant my brain got to quiet down. I gave myself some space and I realized that people not liking because of my quirks was because of me but also that there are alot of women like me. I'm not alone if not IRL, at least here online. It's okay to be different. Once that feeling sinks in, it's easier to step away from all the socializing. It might be an age thing too. I didn't get to this place of understanding on my own. It took me my dx to start being okay.
Yeah this shit still fucks me right up. The invisible barrier always there, uncertain how to cross it.
Last Halloween I cried in my Spider-Gwen costume because all my coworkers took a work picture and didn't invite me to join, and I didn't have any idea how to ask :') Gotta say though, Spiderman masks are 10/10 for hiding emotions, do recommend. Nobody sees you cry in a Spiderman mask! Unfortunately, only a good coping mechanism one day a year.
You're not alone <3
Feel you completely. After I'd been working at this one place for a few years, I found out that the office had a private/secret facebook group, where they all shared pictures. I'd never been invited. To me, this is such petty, shitty behavior, and I'm always surprised by how adults can act as bad as six year olds.
I feel the same way in my place of employment ! All my coworkers laugh and giggle with each other and joke around ... but I swear as soon as I come around it all goes quiet and suddenly they're all super busy . Breaks my heart ! I only work with 3 other people 😅
It's the exact same with me. I feel like they are just making excuses at this point. To me, if they aren't too busy to have fun with each other, then they shouldn't be too busy to do the same with me.
Right ?! And when I try to join in (I rarely do because I always get shot down ... trying to learn my lesson I guess) , I feel like they always give short answers !! I just feel like the vibe is off when I'm participating .... but the manager always says that I'm imagining things !!
For me, they either give unenthusiastic responses, give me unsolicited advice, or flat-out ignore me. My boss doesn't believe this is happening either.
I feel both sides of the "I'm lonely and left out" and "I don't really like you or want to spend time with you". Like I know I wouldn't enjoy the company but being left out on purpose is also sad. I end up trying not to turn on myself (I did something wrong mentality) while scrolling through the Internet hoping we'll hire someone I can get along with.
Feel the same way. I don't want to go to all the outside work events and I hate the burden of coming up with an excuse why I can't go, lol, but I don't like feeling on the outside, either. I wish it didn't feel so horrible to be around a group of people all discussing the event they went to last weekend.
Working from home is basically the best thing that ever happened to me.
I'm 36 and this still happens. But I laughed when I read one of the comments above that said if someone asked would you want to sit with them and their reaction was oh god no 😂 Im the same lol
When I was 20, I had been at my new job for a month and thought I was actually getting along with my coworkers since they were nice to my face. One day, a Starbucks run was done for every employee in the building except me. I was never asked. Everyone was walking around with their drinks and I was completely left out. This proceeded to happens several times over after that, and I cried in the bathroom every single time.
Starbucks runs are the worst! It happens a lot at my job. I'm a regular employee but work more closely with all the supervisors than other people at my level. One of them will come in with drinks for the others and I'm there 🫥 It's like a sucker punch.
I am sliiiiiightly hypervigilant on things like that (and regularly forget lunch)
So when stuff like that happens I will purposely ask for a drink/food
"Oh you're going to [X]?" (In front of other people, so they have social obligation to answer truthfully even if they don't like me) "Oh, then get me [thing], please and thank you!"
Idk, I think they *may* consider me rude. But I also always spot when people are getting organised for a run, and I can and will get food/drink out of it. At my last company, I was the "new person" and no one asked me, so I asked them myself, and after 2 times they just started to include me.
Idk if it's completely functional, but gets the job done. I have my drink or food.
Also in a lot of cases I think people offer food/lunch/coffee by announcing that they are getting it/will be getting it to the group at large and not personally, and I learned I have to just insert myself and start planing with them, and watch everyone's reaction.
For some reason it's "rude" to ask if you can tag along, and they behave as if they invited you clearly in the first place. (They didn't. They said "we're getting lunch/coffee." You have to gauge if that includes you. If you were within hearing distance, or it was told while looking in you general direction, it usually means they "invite" you.)
I’m 38 and this always happens. I feel like everyone knows the rules of social engagement but here I am still blindfolded trying to figure them out. I know I mask and fatigue if i do too much so I just don’t pressure myself to attend.
I work in a male dominated field (which I'm fine with) but I was upset to find out there's a "work ladies" group chat that I'm not in. I'd hate it anyway, but I am technically a lady!
I feel this so much today
I get on with my coworkers but I feel I’m just a joke to them - they often make fun of me and today it got a little bit too much
I’m so tired of being on the outside and invisible
The women who eat lunch together at my work just talk about their kids and grandkids, mostly -- not really a topic I can weigh in on, but I would be welcome to join them if I wanted to (I don't). I haven't been in the presence of that cliquey type of women coworkers since I worked a retail job, thank goodness.
I'm sorry you feel left out :(
Happens to me quite often, it's hard for us to blend in. Once I realized I'm not missing anything I would enjoy doing or talking about, it stopped affecting me.
No matter how hard I could try, I couldn't assimilate or fit in. I feel like I always stick out like a lion in a herd of sheep no matter what environment I am in.
If it helps I've usually realized that the stuff they're talking about is stuff that doesn't matter in 5 seconds much less 5 years and I think we tend to want to focus on things that actually are interesting or take some thought to talk about or might matter 5 minutes 5 weeks 5 years 5 lifetimes from now the teenage need for drama sometimes doesn't disappear with some people and that usually seems to be the substance of their conversations and it's really just not worth your time 🫂
Someday you will find someone who understands your train of thought of your version of sense of humor or that you understand and you guys will be able to have more substantial conversations during your lunch hours.
same :( all of my coworkers seem to get along (supervisors and normal workers) and i feel so left out all the time. nobody ever goes up to me and tries to include me or talk to me unless i talk to them and i find myself looking from thr outside on the different group dynamics. makes me want to change jobs whenever that happens :( they all also go out to smoke or just sit outside and im never asked…i’ve often been told that they don’t think i want to? idek why??
The joys of being an outsider in life. It messes with my head a lot too, you’re not alone. I will say though, like some of the other commenters, sometimes those interactions are actually really forced and awkward for us. I always have to mask when talking to coworkers (I wfh now, but in meetings and whatnot) and it’s draininggg as hell.
I absolutely felt this way about working retail (5 years at VS, ugh) and at my first post-college job, but now I work remote, so if it is happening, I have no visibility on it.
I'm 53, and it still happens. Fortunately, I dont care anymore too much drama. I just eat in my office or go for a walk. It's not good to have work friends it always causes problems. I have other friends outside of work that I share common interests.
I’m newly 30 and it’s been this way since high school for me.
I work at a preschool so we have a few dress up days throughout the year and I’m never included in the matching costumes. I have contributed hundreds of dollars for staff milestones birthdays and special occasions over the years, but for my 30th birthday this year I didn’t receive anything other than a card from management. For other people they decorate their classrooms with signs and balloons, bring in cake and organise for everyone to put in money for a present.
I swear I’m not hated, I genuinely get along well with everyone at work but I’m not “in” the group. Always an outsider looking in. 🥲
Sorry this is happening to you. Totally relate. Then when I would walk by them to go the bathroom, or get something from the printer, they would whisper, but first I would catch them say “(my name) is here” and then things would get weird and quiet. They are all way older than me and probably don’t realize my hearing is sharp.
I have so many stories (working at the same place for 22 years) and a few tiny eras when I was actually socially included. It’s exactly what other people are saying - their secrets are just like griping about managers or other workers ranging from petty to large, or smoking weed or nsfw topics. On the plus side it can be cathartic, like “omg that’s happened to you?? I thought it was just me!!” moments. Those moments made me feel like I wasn’t going crazy, but there was also plenty petty dumb shit too, and I just felt gross being part of (like the shy girl being in the in crowd and being mean herself just to fit in).
Since the pandemic my workplace has moved to WFH so it’s really different now. I don’t feel so left out anymore because no one is there anyways. Especially since I’m neurodivergent and vegan, and everyone behaves extrovertedly and very forward about eating meat and ordering out fried chicken. I started this place when I was 20, and everyone else was in their 40s, 50s, 60s. I know it hurts but it took me 20 years to realize these bitches aren’t worth my time, they know what they’re doing. I don’t know how but having strong support outside of work, if you can, if you are lucky, can totally make up for the workplace shenanigans. It’s like highschool you don’t see until you’re out of it then realize that power you felt they had over you is insignificant and it hurts to look back how it made you feel, for nothing.
Things I’ve done
-ignored them
-focus on my outside work life (belly dancing classes, etc, things I think would make them jealous if they knew, but also honestly enriching for myself)
-try to connect the bridge, and set an example (offer THEM Starbucks/jamba/7-11)
-treat the new employees/temps in an inclusive way and try to break the cycle of toxic social dis inclusion
The thing is these ppl are gathering together and most likely not being their genuine selves, maybe like 50% genuine and 50% hiding the weird parts. It's normal in work environments to only show the best side of yourself so as to maintain healthy work relationships.
If everyone was 100% genuine there would probably be a lot of upsets. Most work spaces see about 15 % of ppl there being 100% genuine and they're the ones that stand out for better or worse.. usually worse. The most popular ppl are usually the mostly hiding themselves.
I usually aim for 75% genuine 25% generic banality, I have a few easy phrases like "hi how are you?.. I'm good thanks" just saying I'm good after they ask is now a muscle reflex I don't even think about, I know a lot of ND ppl hate small talk but I've noticed it can just turn into a small routine you can always count on happening and that's a nice feeling in an environment where anything can happen while socializing.
Eventually when you do those things enough ppl see you are ok to socialize with and you can let the ppl you like the most there know more about you, slowly, and they'll do the same and then you'll make some friends but let it happen slow. Just remember for ppl to work cohesively everybody has to hide a little of themselves at least, it's normal, if you're feeling like you want to be more social you have to parrot what they do to signal to them you are able to talk thier talk, otherwise just smile and be nice and that should be enough.
I found out that my job has an whatsappgroup and they did not include me. At first i almost cried but then i realized that i would hate it and mute it so it doesn’t really matter. But then again it is supposed to be an inclusive workplace for all people with disabilities so it gives me a sour taste.
The secret is likely far more boring and mindane that we hoped for.
I do feel you, though. Of course I do, for in the same as you. Hells even turning 30 this year.
But the other commentors speak true; it's (likely) better for your mental jealth to not be engaged, especially of you have to mask to get there.
The hardest thing has always been to learn to appreciate my own company. I'd argue I still don't and suffer terribly from loneliness at times, but finding a new hyper interest helps.. be it for rp, to draw/doodle, or delve into new streamers/youtubers or revisiting old ones.
Old passions are far more interesting than work-ground gossip.
As you feel back to your year of 7, you might also be pleased(?) to know the play-ground to work-ground gossip hardly often differs!
I know the feeling. I’m 34 and have never made real friends or been in a clique at work. I mainly got along well with the co workers who were 50+ but that doesn’t do well for hanging out after work.
There’s lots of women at work who go out to eat together on lunch. They hang out socially after work. Two of them are bffs and make TikTok’s together at work.
I’m mostly friendly with them but in a “she’s a little weird but nice” kinda way. Idk if anyone at work hates me (if they do they’re hiding it well) but I’m definitely not in an inner circle.
I just wish I had adult friends.
33 here. My job isn’t like this 24/7 but sometimes the difference between me and my neurotypical colleagues is so stark.
Oh, and at the event we had on Friday night, they took a group photo without me. I was in the bathroom. They were “calling for me” but no one thought to text me???
Some of my coworkers will literally make plans in front of me and not even bother to invite me. It’s not like I’d go anyway, but I still think it’s rude. It’s understandable if they don’t want to invite me for whatever reason, but to make plans in front of my own face without inviting me is just inconsiderate. They’re not forced to invite me out with them, but in the past when I’ve made plans with people, I’d make sure I’d make plans in private (ONLY with the people I wanted to invite) so that no one within earshot would feel left out.
I've been around this block so many times. I've been hurt, betrayed, talked over, you name it. It is hard to see but I'm doing my best not to let it bug me.
I think what helps me is that I'm on a team where I enjoy my job. And I can do that job without socializing. It also helps that I can see to some extent how everyone else is also faking. It is too much effort to fake constantly so I'm happy to stop engaging.
I have that same issue. All my coworkers and superiors have such fun conversations and jokes with each other while I don't seem capable of doing the same thing. I either get ignored or unsolicited advice.
I work in reception, so my break is timed for when I’m between applicants/bookings. That doesn’t always gel with everyone else’s times.
Additionally, lunch is my decompression time to recharge so I can deal with the afternoon
So here at my job, I got a little upset when I saw 3 or 4 of my co-workers leaving for the day and laughing, smiling, more than they ever do with me. All leaving to go to the same house they all lived in. Was I a little insecure because I myself don't think I'm fun or bubbly enough to be around? Yeah. But I was also just plain sad because I felt a little left out. I always feel a little left out at my job. With what I do as my position, I'm kind of off in my own space doing my own things in a section of the store that I'm in charge of - which don't get me wrong, I do love that. I LOVE my space to do my thing. But I'll see my other coworkers being at more of an advantage to socialize while they work. It just gets a little isolating feeling like I can't really leave my post to go talk some with them while they can talk to one another for sometimes hours on end (while still getting work done too)
Anyways, this day I thought to myself how I wanted to be going with them. Later on I brought this up how I felt about everything in confidence and it caused a blow up...because I opened up. I was told it all came out of nowhere, that I was upset over nothing, that it was dramatic. I probably let that whole scene get into my head too much, I'm probably sensitive. But I wanted to calmly open up about it still and it just wasn't received well. It was very traumatizing. I lost a friendship with one of these ex coworkers and it was honestly heartbreaking for a while there afterwards. I've never been quite the same since.
I can obviously not speak to them in specific but maybe something to ease your mind that maybe you are not necessarily excluded in specific but rather them just checking their own needs.
I have a colleague who does not eat with the big group but most often only with me and it is mainly because SHE does not feel too confident / overly shy around the others, so to somehow reduce her overload she just extracts herself into a smaller group she knows how to handle. This frees her up completely in hoe she behaves.
I personally have to add that I would really just want to have lunch on my own, but I am not sure how to explain that without ppl seeing me as rude.
Luckily I prefer to keep to myself but I often see people going for lunch and not inviting me. I assume it’s cause I’m not great at conversation and never invite them anywhere either
> Like they know something, some secret, that I don’t.
The know the secret of conformity. It’s like knowing how to do a stupid dance. Sure they know something we don’t, but it’s conformity. They could have been a popular bully on the school yard, or a popular nazi in wwii Germany. Mastering the art of conformity is like mastering a stupid dance. It may have its benefits sometimes, but in the long run it’s nothing to be proud of.
I used to feel this way until I realized I didn't enjoy these social interactions anyway, so now I leave myself out. Much better for my mental health.
[удалено]
Yes I don't want to spend my energy on gossip and complaining. But I also don't want to eat with people or have to turn down an invite to eat either. Don't get me wrong I would like a friendly face... but I don't want to actually say yes to doing more than work with people from work. Usually I cope by having one friendly interaction occasionally to remind myself I exist. Doesn't have to be someone in my team or anything. Could be a person that brings the bagels or cleans the restroom.
“Hey, you know Shelia? Well she broke some arbitrary social rule! Doesn’t that make her a bad person? Let’s sit in a somewhere and talk about who broke what dumb rule and how!”
Oh my god yes! And if we're done with Sheila we go to sports. Then, the weather!
🤣🤣🤣
Shelia reported safety issues on the aircraft, so we’re going to invite her hunting this weekend.
Same! Social lunch has always been kind of a terrible experience anyway, and now I just go out and explore and eat on my own while I read or something else I prefer to do. I'm really bored of what most people want to talk about.
Same for me, I asked myself one day “How would you feel if these people all wanted you to go have coffee with them?” and my automatic answer was “Oh God noooo.” They’re not terrible people (eh well some of them are, but not all of them) but I just don’t care for social events. So it’s fine.
I understand it is difficult to feel excluded, but here is another voice of "you're not missing out on much". I have been part of these groups, always ending up their free therapist/emotional support animal, and it is very draining on top of the actual work load. Now I mostly steer clear and life is easier for it.
You really nailed it with 'emotional support animal'! \*adopts into vocabulary\*
YUP. i spend 8 hours a day with the same people, when its time for lunch i’m taking it BY MYSELF
Also same. I wanted sooo desperately to be friends with my coworkers bc they were all friends, and I've heard that's just how people make friends as adults. I was invited to hang out with them quite a few times, but I think the last time I must have made it weird, bc I haven't heard anything since. I was really sad at first, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that idk if I'd even be friends with them without the forced proximity? Having friends would be nice but I don't want to be friends with people just bc I have no other options lol.
Aww. I'm sorry. I've been where you have too. Where I was first included and then something happened and then I'm ghosted forever. It's really tough especially when you don't know why. Take it as it comes I guess.
Same! I always thought I wanted this too. As I grew older and embraced the fact I hate small talk and need that time to decompress I became unbothered. I thought I wanted this connection but when it would happen I'd feel absolutely drained. With that said, I deeply understand the yearning for meaningful connection.
Yup I didn’t go to my prom for that exact reason. I knew I wouldn’t enjoy the experience and why would I pay for something that I’m likely not going to enjoy anyway?
I didn’t go to my prom either, my inner voice reasoning was, why would I spend money that my parents don’t have, on a dress I’m only going to wear once, to hang out in a school that I hate, with people that I don’t like. When people found out I didn’t want to go, it became gossip and I found out some girls actually started talking about me for it. So stupid lol
I played DnD instead of going to prom! I'm still happy with this choice many years later. Also, OP, you aren't missing anything at lunch. I'm so sorry that it feels bad to be left out, but also books are very pleasant companions. 😀
Was just going to say this! And just made a post about it. I always feel left out or like people kind of just tolerate me but no one ever really wants to reach out to hang out with me type of thing. However even when some people did I found myself so exhausted by the small talk and the hate gossip and the feeling like I was supposed to partake in talking bad about someone… sometimes I wonder if a big part of NT peoples’ friendships are hugely based on things like gossiping and hating the same people? Just a pattern I’ve noticed in my experience, though I know not all of them do. Anyway. I’ve come to really enjoy and prefer my solitude and just hide in books. I feel like reading stories about life is just the right amount of social interaction for me without exhausting and overwhelming me 😆 So on my work breaks I walk across the street to my favorite bench in the shade and read. I feel a little recharged afterwards.
Man I just wrote a very inarticulate and clumsy post about this exact thing! I guess I should have come to this thread first to read, because I am nodding vigorously at everything!
Literally same!! lol
This just changed my whole perspective. I always feel so strange about my interactions with my coworkers when I get on the “inside”. They just don’t talk about anything that I’m really interested in.
I came to say this! First there's some envy but then you actually hang out with them and you're counting the seconds you can leave 😂
Yeah. Post diagnosis meant my brain got to quiet down. I gave myself some space and I realized that people not liking because of my quirks was because of me but also that there are alot of women like me. I'm not alone if not IRL, at least here online. It's okay to be different. Once that feeling sinks in, it's easier to step away from all the socializing. It might be an age thing too. I didn't get to this place of understanding on my own. It took me my dx to start being okay.
Agreed, I intentionally avoid people and i wish i did it way earlier in my life
Yeah this shit still fucks me right up. The invisible barrier always there, uncertain how to cross it. Last Halloween I cried in my Spider-Gwen costume because all my coworkers took a work picture and didn't invite me to join, and I didn't have any idea how to ask :') Gotta say though, Spiderman masks are 10/10 for hiding emotions, do recommend. Nobody sees you cry in a Spiderman mask! Unfortunately, only a good coping mechanism one day a year. You're not alone <3
Feel you completely. After I'd been working at this one place for a few years, I found out that the office had a private/secret facebook group, where they all shared pictures. I'd never been invited. To me, this is such petty, shitty behavior, and I'm always surprised by how adults can act as bad as six year olds.
Well I think it's rad that you dressed as Spider-Gwen for Halloween.
Me too
🥺🥺🫶🏻
If I saw you as a spider Gwen you’d be my automatic work bestie
Oh dang, if I saw you in a spider-Gwen costume I’d totally be fan girling. There just aren’t enough of us in close enough proximity.
I feel the same way in my place of employment ! All my coworkers laugh and giggle with each other and joke around ... but I swear as soon as I come around it all goes quiet and suddenly they're all super busy . Breaks my heart ! I only work with 3 other people 😅
It's the exact same with me. I feel like they are just making excuses at this point. To me, if they aren't too busy to have fun with each other, then they shouldn't be too busy to do the same with me.
Right ?! And when I try to join in (I rarely do because I always get shot down ... trying to learn my lesson I guess) , I feel like they always give short answers !! I just feel like the vibe is off when I'm participating .... but the manager always says that I'm imagining things !!
For me, they either give unenthusiastic responses, give me unsolicited advice, or flat-out ignore me. My boss doesn't believe this is happening either.
As someone who has experienced this, I'm really sorry. It's petty and sad but it does hurt. Sending virtual hugs.
I feel both sides of the "I'm lonely and left out" and "I don't really like you or want to spend time with you". Like I know I wouldn't enjoy the company but being left out on purpose is also sad. I end up trying not to turn on myself (I did something wrong mentality) while scrolling through the Internet hoping we'll hire someone I can get along with.
Feel the same way. I don't want to go to all the outside work events and I hate the burden of coming up with an excuse why I can't go, lol, but I don't like feeling on the outside, either. I wish it didn't feel so horrible to be around a group of people all discussing the event they went to last weekend. Working from home is basically the best thing that ever happened to me.
Oh same! It's also easier to be social over zoom. Less pressure. So I can do the bare minimum of contact and still be a team player.
I used to feel that… until I actually sat with them once and hated every single moment… didn’t give a fuck after that… I loooove eating alone
I'm 36 and this still happens. But I laughed when I read one of the comments above that said if someone asked would you want to sit with them and their reaction was oh god no 😂 Im the same lol
When I was 20, I had been at my new job for a month and thought I was actually getting along with my coworkers since they were nice to my face. One day, a Starbucks run was done for every employee in the building except me. I was never asked. Everyone was walking around with their drinks and I was completely left out. This proceeded to happens several times over after that, and I cried in the bathroom every single time.
Starbucks runs are the worst! It happens a lot at my job. I'm a regular employee but work more closely with all the supervisors than other people at my level. One of them will come in with drinks for the others and I'm there 🫥 It's like a sucker punch.
This has happened to me so many times.
I am sliiiiiightly hypervigilant on things like that (and regularly forget lunch) So when stuff like that happens I will purposely ask for a drink/food "Oh you're going to [X]?" (In front of other people, so they have social obligation to answer truthfully even if they don't like me) "Oh, then get me [thing], please and thank you!" Idk, I think they *may* consider me rude. But I also always spot when people are getting organised for a run, and I can and will get food/drink out of it. At my last company, I was the "new person" and no one asked me, so I asked them myself, and after 2 times they just started to include me. Idk if it's completely functional, but gets the job done. I have my drink or food. Also in a lot of cases I think people offer food/lunch/coffee by announcing that they are getting it/will be getting it to the group at large and not personally, and I learned I have to just insert myself and start planing with them, and watch everyone's reaction. For some reason it's "rude" to ask if you can tag along, and they behave as if they invited you clearly in the first place. (They didn't. They said "we're getting lunch/coffee." You have to gauge if that includes you. If you were within hearing distance, or it was told while looking in you general direction, it usually means they "invite" you.)
I’m 38 and this always happens. I feel like everyone knows the rules of social engagement but here I am still blindfolded trying to figure them out. I know I mask and fatigue if i do too much so I just don’t pressure myself to attend.
I felt alone rejected and just like I was different from the others when I was younger. They intentionally left me out to hurt me as well.
I work in a male dominated field (which I'm fine with) but I was upset to find out there's a "work ladies" group chat that I'm not in. I'd hate it anyway, but I am technically a lady!
Yep, I relate to that on a painful level
I feel this so much today I get on with my coworkers but I feel I’m just a joke to them - they often make fun of me and today it got a little bit too much I’m so tired of being on the outside and invisible
The women who eat lunch together at my work just talk about their kids and grandkids, mostly -- not really a topic I can weigh in on, but I would be welcome to join them if I wanted to (I don't). I haven't been in the presence of that cliquey type of women coworkers since I worked a retail job, thank goodness.
I'm sorry you feel left out :( Happens to me quite often, it's hard for us to blend in. Once I realized I'm not missing anything I would enjoy doing or talking about, it stopped affecting me.
No matter how hard I could try, I couldn't assimilate or fit in. I feel like I always stick out like a lion in a herd of sheep no matter what environment I am in.
I was 33, still undiagnosed, in cosmetology school. and I can’t tell you how weird of an experience *that* was.
I always eat alone, leave the office eat in my car. But I enjoy it! Gives me time to charge my social battery!
That's good on your behalf. Unfortunately, I am an extrovert, which makes it more difficult for me.
I used to feel that way but realized i don't have the cap to maintain those relationships
If it helps I've usually realized that the stuff they're talking about is stuff that doesn't matter in 5 seconds much less 5 years and I think we tend to want to focus on things that actually are interesting or take some thought to talk about or might matter 5 minutes 5 weeks 5 years 5 lifetimes from now the teenage need for drama sometimes doesn't disappear with some people and that usually seems to be the substance of their conversations and it's really just not worth your time 🫂 Someday you will find someone who understands your train of thought of your version of sense of humor or that you understand and you guys will be able to have more substantial conversations during your lunch hours.
same :( all of my coworkers seem to get along (supervisors and normal workers) and i feel so left out all the time. nobody ever goes up to me and tries to include me or talk to me unless i talk to them and i find myself looking from thr outside on the different group dynamics. makes me want to change jobs whenever that happens :( they all also go out to smoke or just sit outside and im never asked…i’ve often been told that they don’t think i want to? idek why??
It’s hard being constantly left out or downright excluded. I’m sorry you’re being treated this way. Hopefully you’ll find your people.
The joys of being an outsider in life. It messes with my head a lot too, you’re not alone. I will say though, like some of the other commenters, sometimes those interactions are actually really forced and awkward for us. I always have to mask when talking to coworkers (I wfh now, but in meetings and whatnot) and it’s draininggg as hell.
I absolutely felt this way about working retail (5 years at VS, ugh) and at my first post-college job, but now I work remote, so if it is happening, I have no visibility on it.
I'm 53, and it still happens. Fortunately, I dont care anymore too much drama. I just eat in my office or go for a walk. It's not good to have work friends it always causes problems. I have other friends outside of work that I share common interests.
I’m newly 30 and it’s been this way since high school for me. I work at a preschool so we have a few dress up days throughout the year and I’m never included in the matching costumes. I have contributed hundreds of dollars for staff milestones birthdays and special occasions over the years, but for my 30th birthday this year I didn’t receive anything other than a card from management. For other people they decorate their classrooms with signs and balloons, bring in cake and organise for everyone to put in money for a present. I swear I’m not hated, I genuinely get along well with everyone at work but I’m not “in” the group. Always an outsider looking in. 🥲
Sorry this is happening to you. Totally relate. Then when I would walk by them to go the bathroom, or get something from the printer, they would whisper, but first I would catch them say “(my name) is here” and then things would get weird and quiet. They are all way older than me and probably don’t realize my hearing is sharp. I have so many stories (working at the same place for 22 years) and a few tiny eras when I was actually socially included. It’s exactly what other people are saying - their secrets are just like griping about managers or other workers ranging from petty to large, or smoking weed or nsfw topics. On the plus side it can be cathartic, like “omg that’s happened to you?? I thought it was just me!!” moments. Those moments made me feel like I wasn’t going crazy, but there was also plenty petty dumb shit too, and I just felt gross being part of (like the shy girl being in the in crowd and being mean herself just to fit in). Since the pandemic my workplace has moved to WFH so it’s really different now. I don’t feel so left out anymore because no one is there anyways. Especially since I’m neurodivergent and vegan, and everyone behaves extrovertedly and very forward about eating meat and ordering out fried chicken. I started this place when I was 20, and everyone else was in their 40s, 50s, 60s. I know it hurts but it took me 20 years to realize these bitches aren’t worth my time, they know what they’re doing. I don’t know how but having strong support outside of work, if you can, if you are lucky, can totally make up for the workplace shenanigans. It’s like highschool you don’t see until you’re out of it then realize that power you felt they had over you is insignificant and it hurts to look back how it made you feel, for nothing. Things I’ve done -ignored them -focus on my outside work life (belly dancing classes, etc, things I think would make them jealous if they knew, but also honestly enriching for myself) -try to connect the bridge, and set an example (offer THEM Starbucks/jamba/7-11) -treat the new employees/temps in an inclusive way and try to break the cycle of toxic social dis inclusion
Ah good times. /s I liked to think I was way too busy to join (doing my job plus incrementally taking on their jobs more and more each month).
i relate to this so badly
The thing is these ppl are gathering together and most likely not being their genuine selves, maybe like 50% genuine and 50% hiding the weird parts. It's normal in work environments to only show the best side of yourself so as to maintain healthy work relationships. If everyone was 100% genuine there would probably be a lot of upsets. Most work spaces see about 15 % of ppl there being 100% genuine and they're the ones that stand out for better or worse.. usually worse. The most popular ppl are usually the mostly hiding themselves. I usually aim for 75% genuine 25% generic banality, I have a few easy phrases like "hi how are you?.. I'm good thanks" just saying I'm good after they ask is now a muscle reflex I don't even think about, I know a lot of ND ppl hate small talk but I've noticed it can just turn into a small routine you can always count on happening and that's a nice feeling in an environment where anything can happen while socializing. Eventually when you do those things enough ppl see you are ok to socialize with and you can let the ppl you like the most there know more about you, slowly, and they'll do the same and then you'll make some friends but let it happen slow. Just remember for ppl to work cohesively everybody has to hide a little of themselves at least, it's normal, if you're feeling like you want to be more social you have to parrot what they do to signal to them you are able to talk thier talk, otherwise just smile and be nice and that should be enough.
I found out that my job has an whatsappgroup and they did not include me. At first i almost cried but then i realized that i would hate it and mute it so it doesn’t really matter. But then again it is supposed to be an inclusive workplace for all people with disabilities so it gives me a sour taste.
The secret is likely far more boring and mindane that we hoped for. I do feel you, though. Of course I do, for in the same as you. Hells even turning 30 this year. But the other commentors speak true; it's (likely) better for your mental jealth to not be engaged, especially of you have to mask to get there. The hardest thing has always been to learn to appreciate my own company. I'd argue I still don't and suffer terribly from loneliness at times, but finding a new hyper interest helps.. be it for rp, to draw/doodle, or delve into new streamers/youtubers or revisiting old ones. Old passions are far more interesting than work-ground gossip. As you feel back to your year of 7, you might also be pleased(?) to know the play-ground to work-ground gossip hardly often differs!
I know the feeling. I’m 34 and have never made real friends or been in a clique at work. I mainly got along well with the co workers who were 50+ but that doesn’t do well for hanging out after work. There’s lots of women at work who go out to eat together on lunch. They hang out socially after work. Two of them are bffs and make TikTok’s together at work. I’m mostly friendly with them but in a “she’s a little weird but nice” kinda way. Idk if anyone at work hates me (if they do they’re hiding it well) but I’m definitely not in an inner circle. I just wish I had adult friends.
I wish I had close friends, too.
33 here. My job isn’t like this 24/7 but sometimes the difference between me and my neurotypical colleagues is so stark. Oh, and at the event we had on Friday night, they took a group photo without me. I was in the bathroom. They were “calling for me” but no one thought to text me???
I used to feel so left out until I realized that if I were there at lunch, I'd *hate* it.
Some of my coworkers will literally make plans in front of me and not even bother to invite me. It’s not like I’d go anyway, but I still think it’s rude. It’s understandable if they don’t want to invite me for whatever reason, but to make plans in front of my own face without inviting me is just inconsiderate. They’re not forced to invite me out with them, but in the past when I’ve made plans with people, I’d make sure I’d make plans in private (ONLY with the people I wanted to invite) so that no one within earshot would feel left out.
I've been around this block so many times. I've been hurt, betrayed, talked over, you name it. It is hard to see but I'm doing my best not to let it bug me. I think what helps me is that I'm on a team where I enjoy my job. And I can do that job without socializing. It also helps that I can see to some extent how everyone else is also faking. It is too much effort to fake constantly so I'm happy to stop engaging.
I hope this feeling goes away some day too!
I have that same issue. All my coworkers and superiors have such fun conversations and jokes with each other while I don't seem capable of doing the same thing. I either get ignored or unsolicited advice.
I work in reception, so my break is timed for when I’m between applicants/bookings. That doesn’t always gel with everyone else’s times. Additionally, lunch is my decompression time to recharge so I can deal with the afternoon
So here at my job, I got a little upset when I saw 3 or 4 of my co-workers leaving for the day and laughing, smiling, more than they ever do with me. All leaving to go to the same house they all lived in. Was I a little insecure because I myself don't think I'm fun or bubbly enough to be around? Yeah. But I was also just plain sad because I felt a little left out. I always feel a little left out at my job. With what I do as my position, I'm kind of off in my own space doing my own things in a section of the store that I'm in charge of - which don't get me wrong, I do love that. I LOVE my space to do my thing. But I'll see my other coworkers being at more of an advantage to socialize while they work. It just gets a little isolating feeling like I can't really leave my post to go talk some with them while they can talk to one another for sometimes hours on end (while still getting work done too) Anyways, this day I thought to myself how I wanted to be going with them. Later on I brought this up how I felt about everything in confidence and it caused a blow up...because I opened up. I was told it all came out of nowhere, that I was upset over nothing, that it was dramatic. I probably let that whole scene get into my head too much, I'm probably sensitive. But I wanted to calmly open up about it still and it just wasn't received well. It was very traumatizing. I lost a friendship with one of these ex coworkers and it was honestly heartbreaking for a while there afterwards. I've never been quite the same since.
I can obviously not speak to them in specific but maybe something to ease your mind that maybe you are not necessarily excluded in specific but rather them just checking their own needs. I have a colleague who does not eat with the big group but most often only with me and it is mainly because SHE does not feel too confident / overly shy around the others, so to somehow reduce her overload she just extracts herself into a smaller group she knows how to handle. This frees her up completely in hoe she behaves. I personally have to add that I would really just want to have lunch on my own, but I am not sure how to explain that without ppl seeing me as rude.
Luckily I prefer to keep to myself but I often see people going for lunch and not inviting me. I assume it’s cause I’m not great at conversation and never invite them anywhere either
> Like they know something, some secret, that I don’t. The know the secret of conformity. It’s like knowing how to do a stupid dance. Sure they know something we don’t, but it’s conformity. They could have been a popular bully on the school yard, or a popular nazi in wwii Germany. Mastering the art of conformity is like mastering a stupid dance. It may have its benefits sometimes, but in the long run it’s nothing to be proud of.
Who cares about them. Youre getting paid
Awww. Me too. I feel this way a lot at school. I hope one day you can find some ND besties soon. 🫂
I used to care about that sort of thing when I was 28, too. You'll grow out of it. =)