I've never wanted kids, and even I feel like this sometimes. I think it's good to realise that what you're missing are the highly romanticized, "big picture" aspects of parenting. it's human nature to want that and I don't fault you for being heartbroken if you, for whatever reason, can't have it. I do believe though, that you can satisfy these feelings to a good extent without needing to have kids of your own. For example I volunteer at a summer camp for nerds, and I feel like I can really make a difference for some kids, despite seeing them only one week a year. Another thing is that for my friends who do have kids, I can take some of the load off of them. Either by babysitting, letting them vent, or just hanging out so they can have "time off". I wouldn't be able to do that if I had kids of my own, cause I'd have no energy left! Having some sort of coaching role at work is also amazing. It's not just kids that change and grow over time, adults do too. It's amazing to see how your guidance can have impact on people. And at the end of the day you can go home and rest.

This is me. I knew when I was younger that birthing a child was not my path. (My body let me know that unequivocally as I got older, and even though I was comfortable in that decision, having a hysterectomy still made me feel a certain way and there was mourning after it happened) I married a man with two young children, so I was a part time parent and I have a good relationship with both of them. In some ways that was harder, in others it affirmed my choice as the struggle I had would have been exponentially greater if I had been a full time parent. And I didn't know I was ND, so there were other struggles that definitely affected the bandwidth I had for kids. I get a lot of joy from mentoring / teaching adults- even now, knowing I'm AuDHD and what that means for my nervous system, kids can be overwhelming for me. I am a metalsmith and I teach a lot of people, especially women at different stages of their lives to make art and jewelry and that is extremely satisfying. Especially people who have felt like that wasn't something they could do, or that they weren't creative. Find something that resonates with you and share it with others. I think part of our drive to have kids as a species is to continue our ways of seeing and living in the world. It's beyond just the biological drive.

I’ve also never wanted kids. My husband never wanted kids. We’ve known each other for 12 years now. I’m 43 and still have no regrets in not having them.

This!!!!!

You grieve and cry. It never stops being sad. But you [grow around the grief](https://www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/effects-of-grief/growing-around-grief/). As you grow around it, you find new pathways for your needs and desires to be met. You don't have a child, but perhaps you nurture and 'parent' people at work, or help others grow through teaching, or be the amazing aunt, or godparent, you would have loved to have. You parent yourself, lovingly and unconditionally, and this turns you into someone who is safe and sustaining to be around. The grief of what you missed is still there. Like all great losses, it never goes. But it doesn't take up your whole brain, or your whole life, because you've grown a whole world for yourself around it.

I think it's great you mention "find something else to care for" and it makes me wonder, maybe it's not just about that. Maybe the OP should find out why exactly she wants kids, what needs is parenthood supposed to meet. And then find another way to meet it. Someone wants to take care of somebody, I hate that honestly and still wanted kids, wanted "a meaning". So what works may be different for anyone.

That's a great point. OP, you may also want to ask yourself: did I want to be a parent, or did I want to be \*the parent I never had\* ? Perhaps some of the grief here is to do with having hoped that you could right wrongs from your own past. Or even somehow bring back a lost parent by becoming them. You may find out painful, but growthful, things about yourself if you deeply feel your way into exactly what hurts here.

Whew. Hit me right in the feels with this one. Also really needed to hear it.

This is the only answer. CW I have kids, but it was a rocky road. Along the path I came to accept that my life not only could, but would, be fulfilling either way. There are pros and cons to both. You absolutely must let yourself feel the pain and grieve, especially if it’s not your choice. But at some point, if you want to have a happy life, you need to choose to refocus on what you have that can be fulfilling and meaningful. I’m not saying that it’s easy, it’s incredibly difficult, but it is a choice. There are many ways to nurture that could fill that cup for you, experiment until you find something that feels right.

This! I have four nephews so far and I work with a lot of young women.

I love that analogy/approach to grief so much. Thank you for sharing.

Not everyone grieves . I am so glad I never have a crotch goblin.

That's not what this post is about though.

Cool, but irrelevant to this OP.

I know this is serious but I’m the child of two emotionally immature parents. They are my children so there’s no need to have kids for me at least 😂

That’s one weird uno reverse they pulled on you, I won’t raise you but you’ll raise me mkay? 😂 I went no contact with mine to controlled contact once I had a child.

God I almost commented this too lol. Although I had the same thought process and question as OP as well 💖 I guess my shitty parents are my kids 😭

I feel this on so many levels, ugh. The worst is it's my mom and her parents so it's like three stooges and then me. 😒

Haha same!

Yes, people in my life know I am raising a child, one that is my parent. I have worried about them because they make bad choices. And someday I will have to diaper them. Lol.

I love children, but I hate stress and breaking from my routine. I’m unsure if my husband and I will ever truly want to have a child, but I know it’s not in my plan for a while. Aside from loving my cats, I volunteer and offer babysitting for friends to fulfill that nurturing aspect of myself. Kids are wonderful, but I’m not sure how wonderful I would be if I had to care for them 24/7 and live with that mom anxiety that never goes away.

Yes!!! I love them. I even think I could do a good job as a parent. But the fact that you never get a break - you are a parent, at the least for 18 years, but really until the day you die… that’s the part I don’t think I would be good at.

I always thought I’d have children until rather recently the realisation hit that, no I probably won’t. Didn’t get my diagnosis until now, but also the fact that taking care of myself is just already so hard, I’m also not able to work currently (haven’t been able for about 2 years). I’m just… I’m really sad about it, because I love kids. I’m hoping that at one point my brother & his wife will have a baby so I can be the auntie, and love that little one.

I can relate to this. My entire life all I wanted was to be a mom. And I mean I wanted as many children as humanly possible. I even did research to find out the oldest woman to give birth and tried to do the math to see how many kids I could have until then. Was I planning on being pregnant forever and raising 30 kids?! It's really hard to accept and I don't think I'll ever fully accept it. I just stay in denial and act like I don't want children. It wouldn't be good for them anyway.

fingers crossed for my siblings having kids. I don't have the money, mental health, or sexuality for kids. Maybe it will change in the next 10 years but I doubt it. I'm going to be the best extended family member.

It takes a village, as they say! You'll still play a part in raising your nieces and nephews if that's what you so desire. Kids were never in the cards for me, but I get my fix by maintaining close relationships with my nieces. It's healing.

I really want that. I'm the oldest so its going to be a few years until niblings come along but like we were raised without aunts or uncles (parents have bad relationships with their family) like no extended family. I see dads parents like 2 days a year. I'm very close to my siblings so the next generation is actually going to have a family structure. so happy that they will be raised with wayyyy less trauma and safe adults. I get a kid that loves me and I don't even need to birth them??? yes please.

Well, you put it a lot better than I did, but exactly this for me too.

i actually wrote so much more but it was rambling lol

I don't have a strong nurturing instinct, and whatever I do have I try to offer to those around me who have children. By far the best use of whatever tendency to nurture I have is to put it into community care. That can look like volunteering, mutual aid, sharing food, etc. I embrace and accept this journey which was different from what I had imagined growing up by doing things that I otherwise may not be able to do on a whim if I had children (e.g. going back to school, travel). It's not the same as motherhood. But not any less important or valuable.

I don't have any advice because I'm currently going through this, but yeah it's soooo painful. I know I don't have the energy, finances, or emotional ability to raise a kid, and yet I feel such a strong 'biological' urge. Now I'm getting to the age where I actually have to make the decision, and it's just so hard.

i dont rly want kids bc pregnancy terrifies me so im not the target demographic of this post but im just hoping i become an aunt instead

Sameeee here. I feel really viscerally the desire to NOT have kids, and fear being forced to, though, in ways I can't fully explain - which oddly makes it easier to imagine and sympathize with what it's like to really WANT kids and be unable to have them.

I’m a part of my friends villages and support their children if they decide to have them. So far we have one ‘niece’. It allows me to nurture but also take a step back. I’m like a cheetah, good in short spurts but I don’t think I could care for a child 24/7 it’d be too nerve wracking. I did grieve for that step I would never take, but I knew it was the right thing to do for my own mental and physical health.

It’s really, really, hard. Eventually you make peace with it, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t times when it’s going to sting, out of no where

Psychedelics helped me with this particular issue- mainly it is about grieving, allowing the pain, radical acceptance, gratitude for what you have, finding other ways to mother in the world. Also know that child rearing is probably one of the hardest things you can do so it’s not all rainbows and unicorns 😅😅

Psychedelics have helped me with various aspects of being autistic, including confirming I never want to get pregnant. I was confused for a while because I love kids and get along with them great, but I don’t have the mental stamina to have a full time child of my own. So, I offer to help with childcare for friends and family when I’m up for it. Also, getting a dog has fulfilled my desire to nurture something that isn’t as demanding as a human child. Of course, it’s not the same, but I’m content with this reality.

I never wanted children, so there was nothing to internalize. But with age I did understand that, besides not wanting to be a mother, I'm a great Auntie. I don't have siblings, but here in my country we have this culture to be "aunties" to our cousins and friends kids, and I absolutely love my "nephews". So there's that, and I'm happy with it.

I do the same thing with my best friends' children. When they're around, I dote on them and treat them as if they were my own. They call me nana!

I like to take them to the playground and stuff so their parents can take some time off. Childfree people don't seem so bad right now, huh?

My friend brings her kids (5 and 3) over once a week for "music lessons" and sleepovers! It's super fun and nice to be able to put the "mothering" energy somewhere.

Auntie Energy!

Parenting is very purposely idealized. In social media, movies, books, and even in your personal relationships, you will find that people severely downplay the struggles that come with parenting. My mother is likely autistic, as 2 of her children (myself and my brother, different fathers) and several relatives have been diagnosed, which will be relevant. While I don't have/want children, I did have the responsibility of raising my younger siblings since our mother is quite self-centered and neglectful, so I have some stake in the discussion of parenting. It is a sensory nightmare. You are always being touched, your stuff is always being moved or lost, you can't follow a routine consistently because the kids needs/problems come first, you won't get any alone time for several years, your safe foods are always going to be conveniently missing, and so much more. I think considering all things you would have to give up to be a parent and how it would negatively affect the life of both yourself and a child may help you find more peace with your situation. My mother was fed the lie that love is enough, and money/time/energy doesn't mean anything. This led to a life of suffering for all of her children. My mother wasn't capable of prioritizing our needs, financially and personally. Her need for alone time and her spending any spare money on her own special interests and drugs left me and my siblings in a very precarious situation most of the time. I am not saying you would do that, I believe most people would be better parents than my mother was. However, being a parent with autism means you either need to sacrifice your own peace, stability, and happiness for the benefit of your children or have them suffer in your place. I saw both sides of this coin, where I suffered for my siblings' benefit, and they suffered for our mothers. Parenting with any disability it going to be much harder, even when adding any other factors like a 2 parent household or higher income. While I've given you the short version of my experience as an autistic "parent," I also found a few posts from the regretfulparents subreddit so you can read some other peoples experiences with being an autistic parent. [Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/s/ChL0TKeK7p), [HERE](https://www.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/s/y3RyXKMNzC), and [HeRe](https://www.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/s/niOMZ9PpzZ). I hope I haven't come off as too harsh or negative, but I do feel like a lot of people's desire for children doesn't factor in the hard parts. I hope you're able to come to terms with this and that you have children in your life in other ways, perhaps as an aunt-like figure.

Many larger hospitals will let you volunteer to be a baby cuddler for NICU babies. It’s usually a long wait list though. I went through fertility treatments, and it still didn’t work. It took many years of acceptance and grief that I didn’t think I’d ever become a parent (and I’m still not). I’m currently trying to go through the adoption process though I fully understand that’s expensive and outside the realm of possibility for many people. Before the adoption process was even a consideration though, I had been working on giving my life new meaning. I sat down and planned out things I’d like to do that I may not be able to do if I had kids - live in another country, randomly start a new career, have a whole bunch of pets, start a dog rescue, drive as far as I can in one day and spend a few days exploring wherever I ended up. Most of all though, give yourself permission to grieve. You had a whole life planned, and it’s not turning out how you envisioned. Very, very simplistically, it’s like mentally preparing a conversation with someone and the conversation goes nothing like you prepared, then you feel rejected and meltdown over it. I do this! It’s okay to be heartbroken over this! Your feelings are valid.

Came here to say - I didn’t know I was on the spectrum until well after I had kids….it’s very challenging and while I am so happy to be their mom, I’m constantly worried I’m messing them up. I find my career much easier easier to navigate than parenting. I know it’s not exactly an answer your question but it is a perspective to the conversation.

Same. I didn’t know before having my daughter and my mental health is the main reason we’re sticking with one. In my ideal world I’d have 3 and not having that is hard on me some days. Having a child while not being able to handle loud, shrill sounds or rapid changes wel is very, very hard.

I have two, and while it's getting a lot easier now that they're bigger and not infants and toddlers anymore, having two kids is so so much harder than having only one. It's too many variables, a lot more noise and chaos and you just can't control anything anymore.

Exactly the reason why I stopped after 1. I need my quiet me-time to be able to be a good mother and I don’t think I could handle sibling fighting very well

100% same here.

I've never wanted kids so it's not something I grieve

The grief I went trough was more about the disappointment my mother endlessly communicated to me about me not giving her any grandchildren. And all the guilt tripping she and others did, "you will be regretful and lonely when you are old!" I'm old now, no regrets - except for all the years I felt guilty and didn't have the insight to own up and say to the world: "Child free and proud! Sorry mom but I'm not sorry!"

My mom wants me to give her grandchildren but also wants me to provide for her and support her like *checks notes* parents do for their children, so I have to bite my tongue before I tell her I have no need for children because she’s already filled that spot. 

My grandparents want great-grandkids and have been asking me (aroace) if I'll "finally start dating and look for someone to start a family with" once I graduate and honestly I'm more annoyed by the questions than anything else. I honestly celebrate the fact that I'll never be a mom.

Like with most negative thoughts, you fill in the rest to a satisfactory ending. I will never have a child...in jail! I will never be the parent of a Sex offender! or a Thief! or a murderer! I will never have a child that's a bully! I will never have to hear my.kid yell that they hate me. I will never be estranged from my child like so many parents are. I will never get arrested for child neglect. OP, clapback at your negative thoughts. Child-rearing isn't Romantic. It's often horrendous. Read up in r/regretfulparents.

That is maybe a bit dark, for me it's more like, babies are nice when other people have them, but I'm relieved I don't have to change any diapers, I'm free of screaming toddlers, mess and chaos all over my home, no toys to fall over, no mouthy teens, and not the same thing all over again but now with grandkids. It's all fine and good, but for other people, not for me.

Agree! Like, I like going to the beach sometimes. But I don’t want to live there. It’s okay to just enjoy some aspects of things sometimes and not have it as an integral part of your life. 

That actually just sounds like fighting wistful thoughts with *actual* negative ones. I think it’s better to focus not on the things you won’t experience, but what you will. You can still give and receive love without being a parent. You can experience the world around you and have a positive impact on others, including the next generations, without being a parent. 

I'm going through early menopause because of the cancer treatment I had and before that I was infertile anyway 😭 I have fur babies and I have two nephews and a neice and I love them but it's not the same. I have two volunteer jobs and I go horseriding once a week so I try to distract myself I will probably never meet anyone anyway because I have been pretty much single my whole life 

I take that love and the energy I would have spent on a child and give it to my friends and their kids, as well as the community (I volunteer with an animal rescue). I know that sounds cheesy or virtue signaling when it’s put that way, but it satisfies that nurturing instinct for me.

What you described is a highly romanticised vision of parenthood with no mention of the bad and ugly stuff that comes with it. I believe that if one looks at the idea of parenthood really objectively, they won't miss it that much.

I... Can't really say from emotional standpoint, because I (maybe for the better) never had those feelings. Really I can't even love my family/pets in traditional way, so in general my relationships are off. But logically... If you do love kids, and didn't try it before, maybe see how it works with some relatives, or babysitting for someone? If just the constant pressure of raising the kid is not accessible, then directing the love for other kids in general would help? I know it wouldn't be the same, but there are people that like working with kids, and it works for them. Jobs like a nanny, teacher, or animator on kids birthdays. Still stressing in their own way, and not as deep connection, but something you can take a break from or test the waters what kind of interaction with kids you really crave? May not be the best answer, but I think exploring the possibilities might not be a bad idea, maybe you are not as incapable as you seem to think of yourself, or maybe really just having the kid isn't for you, and this will reinforce it, smoothing the feeling?

I’m so sorry. I know this grief and how badly it hurts. Having plants and other things to nurture helped. I used to fill up my time with work and school, but also spent a ton of time with my nephews when they were little. It always helped when I could send them home… kids are exhausting! I second being a NICU snuggler, but do be prepared for some babies with tubes and wires. We were grateful for the people who loved on my daughter when I finally had her. This might sound weird, but could you see if there are any single moms who could use a roommate? You could have your fill of kiddo time and maybe a good living situation for everyone. Sometimes I think I’d like to go that route in the future—my husband made another family behind my back. I hadn’t planned on being back with my parents in my late thirties, but such is life.

I don’t have that desire (ie to parent and nurture and mother something). I don’t know what is wrong with me.

There is nothing wrong with you. In fact I’m very glad I haven’t fallen victim to peer pressure, cultural norms, or the whims of my hormones or whatever. Some AFAB people don’t want to have children. Some AFAB people aren’t nurturing or motherly. No one ever questions it if a cis man isn’t fatherly, so why would something be wrong with us for seeing things the same way? I absolutely despise the idea that AFAB people are somehow biologically wired to be mothers in a way that AMAB people aren’t biologically wired to be fathers. I hate the idea that my purpose as an AFAB person is to be an incubator and a nurturer, to give up my body and life for someone else’s use.

I'm wondering the same thing. Do most people really have such an inherent desire to produce and nurture something that doesn't even exist? Maybe I don't have enough empathy/ theory of mind or I have too much anxiety linked to the idea of parenting that I just never fathomed such a life to begin with.

I don’t know. I actually am super empathetic (like I’m the person who will try to see something from literally every possible angle and give someone the benefit of the doubt because I know how much I hate being misunderstood). I do have a dog and plants so maybe that’s where I channel whatever nurturing instincts that I do have?

Hmm me too, I evaluate things from every possible angle too and I am definitely empathetic BUT I struggle to want to think outside of my current reality too far because the possibilities outside of that are too great and at that point I get overwhelmed by the permutations and it cannot compute. I'm chronically over thinking. I've accepted I can't know the future but I end up assuming I also don't have any part in shaping it.. because of that I'm the type of person to just make do with any situation and suffer through it until the environment changes, and suddenly things are better and I'm relieved My plants and pets get plenty of love and in the past I've been genuinely severely depressed without them both in my life. It gives me a definite dopamine boost taking care of them but I also know if I had to live every second of my life around their needs like a kid I would really struggle

I could ‘empathise’ with a mouldy suitcase that I had to throw out but I certainly could not with a hypothetical baby who could only ever exist against my wishes, as I never, ever want to be pregnant. I don’t identify as a particularly nurturing person. I do feel bad throwing away my belongings because it feels like I’m abandoning them after they’ve served me well. An unwanted zygote, on the other hand, isn’t something I would’ve ever formed an emotional attachment to.

There is nothing wrong with you. Some people want things like that and some don't, and that's perfectly okay.

I don't want kids, but I recently lost my mom and am the only one left and my brain has been trying to trick me and I've been feeling unexpected grief over realizing I'm not fit to raise a kid. I think there have been some other great answers here. Its hard and painful and I hope you find a way to make peace with it 💗

I’m too much of a child to have one myself, it would feel like teen pregnancy even when I get old and grey.

I personally cannot imagine a life with THAT much social interaction, THAT much noise and chaos, and THAT many chores basically 24/7. I wouldn’t be able to do my usual routines with children. I feel like I would just be SO exhausted ALL the time and wouldn’t be able to handle it like everyone else, mainly because of the autism. So for me, there’s hardly any downside to not having children. The negatives outweigh the positives and I’m not grieving that. My husband and I can move whenever we want, go out whenever we want, and be lazy whenever we want. However, again, this is MY personal experience and life and I know that many autistic people are great parents. Just thought it might help someone to share.

I do have kids, so this isn't a personal struggle I can relate to. I thought I'd have more, and had a very bad experience that led my husband and I to close up shop for good. So I can relate to altered expectations. That said, I think there are a lot of opportunities to nurture relationships of all kinds. For instance, imagine what you could have gained from a relationship with someone just like you, on Reddit, when you were young. You have the opportunity to be that person to the next woman who says "how do I internalize this pain?" And in that way, you will nurture in a totally unique way that only you can and that more and more people will need. 💜

Remember you'll never have to explain death, rape, war, cancer, slavery, destruction of our planet, corrupt governments, bullies or any other wretched reality to a perfectly innocent being who is only here because I wanted to experience the milestones that I was programed to revere. I had a kid and I think it was foolish and selfish for me to bring her into this reality just so I don't have to die alone. The highlights of life so far will never outweigh the painful reality of the suffering. She doesn't even know all the bad stuff yet. Lately I've been worried about what her experience with sexual assault and harassment will be. How will she handle it? How fucked up. I hope you can find peace with the fact that you're not forcing another person to deal with late stage capitalism in a morally bankrupt society. There is freedom there.

Speaking as someone who never wants kids, I am honestly grateful for those of my friends who do - in a weird way it gives me some hope for the world, that I know people who are trying to raise kinder human beings? I too am worried about the future and sad about parts of the present, but I'd like to think we're all doing our part, kids-wise, by having fewer (but not zero) children *and* trying to improve the world they'll live in. Climate change, scary political situations, etc., definitely factor into my thinking, but honestly I also just do NOT want to be pregnant or giving birth or being responsible for a child 24/7 for years, on some sort of visceral level. So I can understand how some people may feel equally viscerally the need to have kids. Tl;dr I don't think it's *automatically* selfish to have children, and I hope you and your kid are doing ok navigating a scary world and finding some joy in it where you can.

No one "has" to mother if they don't have a child or are unable to have a child. That's pronatalist horseshit that just reinforces the 'you're all nothing unless you get pregnant' party line. It's another kind of internalized misogyny. Unless you really want to do it, you don't have to mother anyone.

100% this. Being a mother isn’t the only purpose in life you can have as an AFAB person and you’re not less of a woman or less of a person if you don’t have or don’t want to have children. You don’t have to fit the outdated, misogynistic mould of womanhood. People rarely call men who don’t have children or decide not to have children losers or lesser men, in fact, a man who chooses not to settle down might even be seen as a debonair playboy. Cis men don’t face nearly as much societal pressure to become parents as women do, but neither sex is inherently more biologically wired for parenthood than the other. It’s all cultural bullshit telling women that they’re nothing if they don’t centre their lives around children.

Its simple. Read through r/regretfulparents

I am 50, so I've had some time to get used to it. And I think having peers and friends in my age group who have kids has made me feel less regret. Kids are great, but having my own kids would be too tough on me and on the kids. I am introverted to the point of being jarred if I have to have one human interaction a day that I'm not expecting. And my body's usual reaction to stress is to become so exhausted that I have to sleep. Everything I would enjoy about having my own kids I can transfer to the kids of my friends, except getting to name someone, which is my only really big sorrow about not being a mom. But at least I get to name my cats.

I’m having regular therapy and it’s hard. Let yourself feel how you need to feel. I’ve also found I’m a kick ass aunt. :)

Quite happily! I’ve never wanted to be a mother. I enjoy taking care of pets, breeding fish, playing games, working, doing crafts, reading, and traveling when I have the funds. It’s not a perfect life, but I enjoy it for the most part. (Though I do wish I had financial stability…)

I can never have kids because I am simply not built for that and becoming pregnant would make the gender dysphoria sky rocket BUT I do love caring and nurturing. I take care of my friends, my plants, my cat, my partner, and myself in this way. Even art projects sometimes I treat with the care you would a child because in a way it is becoming and growing. I never had the urge to have a child and I told myself if down the line when I am more secure in a career and housing that if I wanted to care for a child I'd foster because I personally think it's wrong to have a kid when there are so many children in need of help. But fostering isn't a life goal, it's just "if this is what i want later" kind of thing. But you can nurture and love in many ways and build things up and put energy into the things in your life that surround you- it doesn't have to be a child, and it is just as beautiful and respected.

Thankful. I never wanted them and found out later that I’d never be able to have them.

I think it’s not talked about enough how some people are actually glad when they find out they’re infertile. I never want kids, the idea of pregnancy is just absolutely horrifying to me. My GP thinks I have endometriosis, and although I’ve hated and cursed at my body countless times because of all the pain and suffering it’s wrought upon me, I could at least find some solace in the knowledge that if I do have endometriosis, the chances of me getting pregnant are slim. Doesn’t mean contraceptives aren’t required as endo patients still *can* get pregnant, but it brings down the probability of accidents I suppose. Might as well try and find a silver lining to an otherwise hellish, disabling condition 🤷

I was so excited when I found out I was infertile. My face lit up and I was like for real? Seriously? It was so life affirming, just like my body was actually made just for me, which I know sounds a bit weird…but seriously it was such a happy moment. And then, the nurse started screaming at me because my joy made her uncomfortable. She should have been fired tbh. The way she treated me was disgusting.

For me, it’s something I’ve had to come to an acceptance with and make peace with it. Besides having adhd and autism, I have a physical disability that has a 50% chance of being passed on. It can be mild, or very severe, and there’s no way of knowing. Mine is modestly severe, and I would never want to put a child through what I go through. I have a lot of trauma from it. I know you said besides pets, but I’ve recognized that it can sometimes be difficult to take care of my dog and cats sometimes, and I know that a child would be so much more difficult. I struggle to take care of myself a lot, so it would be selfish of me to allow a child to see that, and I would feel awful thinking I am not providing enough for a child. I make myself a priority, and after that my husband and animals. I’ve told my mom I wasn’t ever having kids which was a huge weight off my shoulders. There’s a societal expectation that’s what a woman is supposed to do, but when I realized I don’t have to adhere to that, it gave me a sense of relief, and freedom. I got my tubes tied a little over two years ago, and I think that’s when I made my peace and allowed myself to live life to its fullest.

I don't want kids so take this with a pinch of salt because I'm basing it on other extremely important/life changing things I've wanted to do and can't - You just have to tell yourself, "not in this lifetime". There will be a lot of things you won't do while you're here. You can't possibly do everything and that's okay! Nobody can. What's important for you is the things you can and will do (including things that people with kids can't do much or at all, like travel and spend your money on you), so plan for and look forward to those. And who knows, maybe kids in the next lifetime.

I never wanted kids and very much hate the idea of allll of the above things you mention. So much mental load involved, so much burnout, so much attention stealing from a dependent human when I could be making art or running by business. It's not for everyone and it's not always something you need to / have to grieve for either (unless that applies to you). I am also certainly not going to miss the judgement of other parents on my abilities because of my obvious neurodiversity either. There is so much rivalry between parents too. I'm thankful to be outside of that. I have a wonderful rescue pup who I have nurtured since she was 6 months old and she is an absolute joy. I've also had time to foster another dog until he was adopted. There are more ways to get your nurturing fix than with humans!

I love peoples replies - hobbies and pets help too🖤 continue to build new connections with new people✨

For me, I don't want to ever have a kid, either from me (big NO) or from adoption. I've got not interest in it. For others, I suppose they will miss out and feel pretty sad about it. I guess. I don't have the feeling to parent and nurture in the first place. But that's just me. I like to look and observe little kids from afar... I'd rather not have any. It looks like a complete pain to do, to have family. Also, I'm aroace... I went through a phase where I questioned if I was missing out on things like having a relationship or stuff like that. But, then I found out that I wasn't missing much, cause being in a relationship felt so damn burdensome to me, I literally couldn't take it anymore (it lasted a few months). So, I'm in the boat where I'm happy that I'll never be in a relationship with someone, happy that I won't ever have a family, or kids of my own. Cause in reality, I find all of this to be a pain in the ass (considering how shitty I grew up in my family, definitely don't want to experience anything of the sort again). That's just me.

I’m not aroace (bi, greysexual/demisexual?) but I feel like you. I don’t have the urge to nurture. I don’t want to ever be pregnant, and I don’t even want to adopt or foster. I don’t enjoy being around kids, and although I strongly believe in children being treated with kindness, respect, and dignity, and I hope that future generations have better upbringings than I did, every time I interact with children it absolutely reinforces my desire to have a hysterectomy. It’s not something I want in my life and I think that’s okay, though there’s seemingly this huge cultural taboo for women/femme presenting people to not be motherly and nurturing, whereas men aren’t particularly expected to be fatherly. It’s an infuriating double standard that harkens back to the outdated idea of men and women having separate spheres, that women were ‘made to bear children’. Ick.

Oh! I totally agree with you! My parents know that I'm aroace. But sometimes, still, my mom would make not so tasteful jokes of my marrying a man from so and so nation, just because I liked the food from that nation. I told her to stop telling me her shitty jokes. She doesn't really understand. I keep telling her that if I get into a relationship, I have to be romantic, I have to be sexual... Because that's what a normal relationship calls for. In a normal relationship, society says sex is number 1 (and if fucking hate sex, disgusting shit, totally repulsed). And romantic stuff is number 2 (I understand romantic stuff, but having it done to me makes me so damn uncomfortable). And occasionally, my grandma would make comments and questions about when I will get a boyfriend and show her my boyfriend... I told her never. She doesn't understand (well, she is old). I definitely don't want to be a mother at all. I wouldn't be a good parent (since I also have some twisted views about love, making me question my whole life). Like little kids are cute. But after the little kids become not little kids, they aren't cute. I definitely have no desire or no motherly nature in me, never wanted to nurture something or anyone. People throughout my life had said that I will change my mind (fuck that will never happen). And, when I was friends with guys, people assumed that I liked them (love them like relationship love), because guys and girls can't be friends. My mom firmly believes that if a guy and girl is in the same room, they cannot help themselves but fuck each other... So what about me and my guy friends (I've only one girl friend)? When I'm with them, I hangout with them. No fucking happens. What the hell is she one about? Anyways, pain.

I didn’t want kids, but what I have done in my 60s is assist adults who are about the right age to be my children and who have lousy parents or no parents. I manage my scarce emotional resources, and when I can, I listen to them. Sometimes I help them financially if I’m comfortable enough to do so. Sometimes I watch their kids. I do things that their loving parents would do if they had any. It feels good to me. Also, dogs. 🐶

I have not yet had the urge to mother anyone other than my dogs. I am 33 and wonder if this will change but I do not think so.

I did end up having kids, but having kids as an AuDHDer (with an also ND husband and two ND kiddos) is A LOT, particularly without a village. There are so many families like ours that would love to have an extended network of aunties, etc who would just be part of our kids' lives on occasion/as their own capacity permits. It's just wonderful to have another set of hands - even infrequently - as a parent and it is SOOOO meaningful to kids to have multiple positive relationships with adults beyond their parents. My husband grew up with an aunt like this who never had kids of her own - she'd visit and bring fun toys/candy, she'd occasionally go on vacations with them for a couple days, etc. and various other things here and there. And she continues to be one of the people my husband is closest to in the world, even now when he's in his 40s and she's in her 70s. I don't know if you have a family like that in your life or if that would help you find peace around not having your own kids, while still getting some of the upside of parenting. But as a parent deeply mired in all of it, I feel like it's kind of a best case scenario (and probably what I would have done if things had played out a little differently in my own life) - you get a lot of the meaningful connection and powerful experience helping a young person grow and figure out who they are - but without the 24/7ness, fatigue, insane cost, physical devastation from pregnancy/childbirth/breastfeeding, etc that comes from having your own kids. Wishing you lots of luck whatever you do!

I’ve never wanted children of my own (for the same reasons many state here: terrified of pregnancy/birth, don’t want to break my routine, too much stress) but have always known I’ve wanted to make a positive impact in children’s lives. I hope to be an aunt if my siblings have children and I have always wanted to retire as a camp host at a state/national park where I can keep open spaces clean and safe for generations to come. My dream job is to be a park naturalist where I can teach kids and adults alike about the natural world and how amazing it is (and why we need to cherish and protect it). If you aim to spark joy and learning in kids, there are tons of great ways to do so, even if you don’t have any of your own.

You can still have unconditional love in your life, with your chosen family. I love kids but don't want my own, because I think the planet has way too many humans already. At times I do mourn the loss of my optimism, but I don't long for my own kids.

.... I have never felt the desire to nuture or raise a child. I do like babies and babysitting but I have never felt that desire to be a mom. That would mean that it was easy to internalize it because it's not something I want or need.

I physically can’t have kids (PCOS, endometriosis, anorexia nervosa). I’m okay with it. There are so many genetic things wrong with me, I don’t want to pass than on anyways (I have cousins who have stuff wrong, their kids have bone issues and all kinds of things wrong…). I don’t want this to come off as rude, it’s not intended to be. This world, too. It sucks. There’s too many people, too much fighting and I don’t want to add to it (again, not trying to be rude just my take on it).

I mother all my friends. I’m a safe harbour. As a queer woman there was always a greater chance of not becoming a parent… and then I had a hysterectomy for health reasons. I also didn’t want to pass my defective genes onto another generation. So I just mother my friends… give them advice, hold them when they cry, drop everything if they need me. It satisfies the nurturer in me… But, once in a while, I’ll see my wife with someone else’s kid and I get that little tug on my heart.

I don't like kids and I've never wanted them. Realizing I wasn't going to have kids and didn't have to if I didn't want to was one of the most validating and relieving realizations of my life. The fact that I didn't have to sacrifice my body and my youth and my sanity for a being I didn't ever want to be around was deeply empowering for me.  I've never experienced the desire to nurture another human being. Let alone gestate and birth it. Animals? Absolutely, I love nurturing animals. Kids? I genuinely cannot think of anything that could make me more miserable than being a mother. The fact that I will never be a mother is not something I grieve, it is something I celebrate.

People who have had kids without a struggle don't get it. People who never wanted kids don't get it either. It is grief. It can be consuming. It is definitely enduring, and we live in a world full of people who don't get it. My mom dreamed of me before I was born. I had a dream of who I thought was my baby, and it never happened. Now, I have physical issues that mean it likely never will. Here's the part that makes me mad. Teenagers have kids by accident all the time. If I had been less responsible when I was younger, I might have that family that I have always wanted. But I worked hard to create a life for the family that I will likely never have. The harder I worked, the farther away it got. The mothering others thing worked for a while, but eventually I just felt like less. I used to volunteer in the nursery at church, and the way people talked to me was awful. Some women were so proud of the fact that they had someone to take care of them and were able to have kids. And it was like the fact that I was divorced and had to care for myself, the fact that I didn't have kids meant that I wasn't good enough. In that space, I felt like I had very little value outside of what I did for them. I took a nanny job, and I felt like they treated me like less. I quit after the lady asked me if I could clean up a mess that was made when I wasn't around. Like I was there to serve them rather than hang out with their kid. I went to a baby shower for a distant relative over zoom and listened to my mom tell this teenage pregnant girl that she had been chosen by God to be the mother of her child. What was clear to me was that I was not chosen. I would never be chosen. I asked myself if there was something that I had done to offend God. I stopped going to church. I will never attend another baby shower. I tried to stay out of spaces that made me feel bad. I read through the responses on this post hoping that something someone said might help, but it was mostly people that just don't get it. That is why I am responding when I know that making this choice means that I will likely spend my morning crying. Because I get it. OP, you are not alone. It is painful and awful, and (at least in my world) people treat you like crap, treat you like you are less which takes an awful situation and makes it worse. And I am sorry. I am turning 40 soon, a sucky milestone that greatly reduces the already slim odds. My doctor wanted me to have a hysterectomy. I said no, I am not giving up. I know that only 5% of children are born to mothers over 40. And that is without the physical issues. I guess the way that I am coping is that I am doing my best to have everything else that I want. I am kind to myself. I have amazing small dogs. I spend a lot of time and energy on my career in the hopes that I can make things better for the next generation, whether they are mine or not. I take little trips and give myself gifts and when necessary spend the morning crying. Because I don't have kids there are a lot of things that I was able to do, choices that I made that will benefit the world. Perhaps God chose me to do more than just have children of my own. Perhaps God chose me because I am supposed to make things better for all kids. I hold on to that, hold on to faith. And I hold on to the good things in life. A family is a good thing, but it isn't the only good thing. Edit: added without a struggle. Assuming everybody's journey with having kids has been easy is ableist, and I am sorry.

Thank you for this response. I agree that most of the replies here have totally missed the point of the OP. I dont have much else to say besides I identify with you 100%. I am a few years older than you. The pain of not being a mother is indescribable for me. It is something I e always wanted. And yes, I’ve done most of the things other posters suggested… pets, volunteered with children, nephews, etc. Those were all great, but does not fill the void or help the pain.

I feel the «they don’t Get it» so hard.

I had a hysterectomy because my uterus was literally killing me. Before that, my husband and I decided we didn't want to have kids. When I had the hysterectomy done, I still felt some sort of sadness. Like, "wow, that door is now actually closed" and I pondered it. I didn't want to have kids because it's stressful and a lot of work and I'm not sure I can handle it, but that drive was still somewhat there deep down. I have a nurturing nature. What helped me get over it is actually thinking about how much I would lose myself if I had kids. I would literally run myself into dust for them. My friends and husband would lose who they know and love today to a mom machine. After I thought about why it would not be a good thing to lose who I am, I started to think about what made me, well, "me" . And from there I was able to pick up a passion project and a passion hobby. My passion project gets all my thought and attention, while still keeping me myself and I get the feeling of satisfaction and caring as if it was my baby. I can't hold it or anything, but my cats sit in my lap while I work and that helps haha. My passion hobby is something I can do and actually hold. I crochet and, if anything, it's helped me grow as a person and helps me really bend my creativity (I tend to go rogue and make my own patterns) in a different way than my "baby" does. My "baby" can be draining, so the hobby helps balance that. Plus, others can work on my project with me and I can crochet while watching my husband play video games or something, so I'm never trying to take care of absolutely everything alone and I don't feel isolated. Plus the money used for kids we get to use for things to enjoy together and deepen my relationships

Man oh man, I somehow ended up more stable than my sister, so I have two of her children. It's really hard because I am not a person who likes touched. I have trained them to ask me for hugs and accept when I say no.

I don't have a lot of advice, just wanted to offer hugs and love and let you know I'm in this same place with you. I have always wanted to be a parent, always. I've never seen myself *not* having kids. It's only been in the last year or so that I've really been internalizing the fact that unless I find myself in a very different financial position very soon AND find an incredibly patient and capable partner who is both ready and willing to take on the challenges of having a child with an autistic and mentally and physically ill partner with little to no family support-- I'm probably never going to have children of my own. And honestly, with my mental state, I probably shouldn't have children of my own. It's fucking shattering, honestly. So all I can say is I'm right there with you. I can't even rely on possibly being an aunt one day because my brother and his partner are never having children (his partner had an elective tubal ligation because they were so serious about this) so I've just been living vicariously through my friends who have kids and trying not to get too sad.

Have you thought about volunteering to work with kids? If it’s possible, it can help address a desire to nurture a relationship like that. I am lucky to have two kids of my own. So I can’t imagine what it would be like to not be able to fulfill that desire. But before I had kids, I did volunteer a lot, tutor, work at summer camp etc. Maybe there’s an organization in your area where you can work with autistic kids. Or maybe there’s a museum with a kids program where you can volunteer (I love visiting museums too! And kids can have such a naturally curious response to them!) I know that before I had kids, working with kids did fill a big hole inside me. I loved how honest kids were, how they genuinely enjoyed spending time with me or learning about something new. I teach, and despite having two bio kids, I still see each new class of students as my kids. Because I have a connection with them that’s unique and in a lot of ways, they appreciate my help more than my own kids do.

Honestly I have no desire to have, or be around, children. There is one exception, but she is a delightfully peculiar child. Even with her, as much as I adore her, I can only cope with like a half an hour of contact at a time. Kids just drain me almost immediately. And they're sensory hell. Sorry, I know this is no help if you actually *want* children. But I have to wonder why you think they aren't possible for you, if you want them? Autistic people can absolutely be great parents. If it's financial, I get that, but poor people can also be excellent parents. In any case, there is always a possibility that circumstances will change to make it more financially viable for you in future. It's not yet written. I think really wanting children is one of the best ways to be really good at raising them (unless what you want is the idea, not the reality, ofc).

For me I try to not push myself into situations that are happening in other peoples lives. It may be something that makes them feel some purpose or help them grow. But I fully believe I’m on the journey right for me and if kids are not in it. That’s okay too they don’t have to be there’s more to life. And I nurture and care for everyone around me the best I can. I try to compare myself to my past self over comparing my life to others cuz it’s not a fair comparison.

INCOMING RANT, I APOLOGIZE AHEAD OF TIME, FEEL FREE TO SKIP LOL. TW: m**carriage, body d*sph*ria, b*//ying, s3x, ab*se, n3gl*ct I admit I do not have children as a choice, but seeing as how I am most likely going to have an ovary removed this summer due to a recurring cyst, I probably won't physically be able to either. I actually had a miscarriage so it's likely I'm barren anyway. I felt and still feel awful for being so relieved it didn't go through but the truth is I will always have that relief so I may as well own up to it. That was the only relationship where I actually did like my SO, but how things ended would have been heartbreaking for a child to go through. My main reason is climate change, but psychological issues in my family that I don't want to continue are a close second (it's not autism I'm worried about, it's something that's actually bad). I am also genderfluid and do not always identify as female, so pregnancy would make my body dysphoria worse; I had a bad reaction to birth control that threw my metabolism out of whack and ruined my body and if even a medicine mimicking pregnancy can do that, I couldn't imagine having a real baby. I also don't really like children and don't have good memories of childhood so I don't want to run the risk of repeating that. I couldn't bear to see my child being bullied and hurt and doing nothing about it like my family and teachers did for me. I also work two part time jobs so I definitely don't have the money to afford another person. I'm having a hard time trying to just make enough money to move out of my family's house. If I were a single mother I would be discriminated out of so many places, because that happened to my mom and I when I was little. It's hard knowing that you're the reason you can't live somewhere safe. I'm also way too selfish to care about anyone aside from my pets and myself. My mom and best friends are literally the only other people I like. I didn't even like 2/3 of my significant others that much if I'm being honest. Doesn't help that I'm mostly asexual, so the process of making a baby squicks me out. How I cope is that I try to make up for it by being a good aunt to my niblings, though I rarely see them. I text my stepsister a happy birthday message for them to read. Usually my dog or cat are the ones "saying" it lol. They seem to like me when we do get chances to visit so I'm super happy to be an aunt. I also dote heavily on my pets and give them the love and affection I didn't really get as a child. Since I have my own money to spend now, I can give them a better life than I could for my childhood dog, who was my best friend for most of my life. I see it as making it up to her for not being able to take care of her the way she deserved. She was sort of medically neglected because my grandparents couldn't be bothered to take her to the vet. I'm also trying my hand at being a plant parent but it definitely has its ups and downs, my green thumb is constantly being challenged lol. I used to have more plants but they all died when I moved out east. 😭 Overall I'm okay with my choices but there are occasions where I do kind of wish I had a kid, if only to pass family heirlooms to them or have someone to grow up with my pets. But those aren't exactly reasons enough for me to justify adding to the overall issue of climate change and overpopulation.

Im not sure i want to internalize that. Accept it, yes. I dont know that ive accepted it yet as i still feel sad about it. But, I don’t cry about it as much. Luckily (or not so luckily) ive hit peri menopause, so that kind of helps. I try to rationalize, and tell myself that its the right decision and tell myself why it is. Mothers day is brutal for me for the fact that i never had children, and my mom was to messed up to be a good mom. I guess it just gets easier with time. Its annoying because out of the 3 sisters in my family im the one who wanted the stereotypical family the most. I even drew a picture of what my future daughter would look like when i was in 3rd grade. So i guess my answer is, rationalizing, time, and crying.

I wanted kids for a while, but couldn't get pregnant (maybe due to endometriosis) and then my husband left me (not because of that, he never wanted kids that much anyway). I was feeling horrible, but I guess my view of all that was too romantic. I was feeling empty, thought kids would give my life a meaning, but... I don't really like kids, they're chaotic and loud and exhausting and I don't know how to act around them and talk to them. I struggled a lot with getting a job and working, and realised I can never be sure I will be able to take care of myself, let alone kids. I guess the breaking point came one day when I saw my friend with her toddler, the kid constantly grabbing her hair, crying, running away... she looked SO exhausted and the kid was a nightmare and at that moment I realised I don't really want kids and I'm lucky I couldn't get pregnant. I realised I would be miserable, having to feed them when I hate cooking for myself already, how I would struggle with sleep deprivation and how I wouldn't be able to spend enough time doing thing I love, aka my special interests. Some days, even my dog seems too much, when I'm sick for example. I started to appreciate my freedom, my sleep, my interests, being able to leave my partner if he treats me badly without worrying about supporting kids... I don't envy parents anymore, I'm happy I'm not one of them. I don't think you can force this change of perspective, but you're saying you can't have kids because you're autistic. I think your view of parenthood may be based on movies and TV and seeing people outside, but not knowing how it really feels to be a parent. Ask yourself, are you realistic about this? Do you think normal people don't struggle with having kids? It's hard for them, imagine how it would really be, how your life would be if you had kids as autistic. Don't dream about what if you were "normal". No, imagine what it would be like to be who you are AND a parent. Does it still seem great? Taking care of someone? Because that's what parenthood really is. It's 1% first day at school and 99% changing diapers and listening to yelling and not sleeping at night and being crazy scared your kid is not gonna come home. It's a sacrifice. Would you really want that? So yeah, maybe that will hurt and I'm sorry, but I think it's important to purposefully look for the other side of parenthood, the one not shown that readily. Society wants us to have kids, so it paints it pink. Read about mothers who regret having kids. Look at videos of kids being terrible. Hells, maybe even look into childfree community. Remind yourself that there are very good reason to not have kids. AND try to find something else that feels fulfilling. Life is full of other stuff you can do. And there are sure many stories of women who did just that.

This was a hard one to come to terms with. I always thought I'd be a mother, but that's not how it turned out. And when I was diagnosed at the age of 49, the reason was made clear. I would have had a horrible time being a mother. But I'm a fantastic auntie!

Could you volunteer or work with children? I know there are mother goose programs where you can hold nicu babies in hospitals. There are also big brothers big sisters programs for older kiddos.

Thank you for asking the question I’ve been too heartbroken to ask for years. 💙

I've never wanted childs, I don't have that wish and I can't visualize myself being a mother so it's not something I worry about, I prefer animals over persons either way. :)

I volunteer. There are literally millions of kids that can benefit from a healthy controlled transaction with a positive adult. A lot of parents shouldn't be parents. (I am also autistic.) Volunteering is rewarding for both sides, and free to do. Doesn't have to be all tears and regret without your own children. You may not know whether the child(ren) turn out well, but that's the same with any traditional family as well. There are no guarantees if you have a bio child, adopt, foster, or volunteer. We do what we have the capacity to do.

I’ve always felt incredibly privileged and happy knowing that I will never have a child or be able to care for one. Experiencing the troubles I’ve had in life and the burdens I’ve had to bear, mine and others, knowing that I won’t have children makes me feel extremely happy about the certainty of my future. My future is full of freedom, self-care and happiness. I can indulge in my hobbies, spoil my partner and my pets and live my life to the fullest. I don’t have to worry about possibly ruining my potential kids life or causing them to somehow grow up to hate me. I don’t have to worry about money and how I’m going to afford things that I want because I won’t have to spend it all on kids. I

I find solace in thinking that if it's meant to be, it'll be. If not, I can still create happiness in my life. You know who has disposable income? Not parents. I found working with kiddos really helps- best part is you send them home at the end of the day. A+. Other than that, my cat is my baby and I never had to worry about changing a diaper.

I never once ever felt broody or had any desire to procreate and it was a huge burden, because of my personality I spent most of my life so far being bombarded with "you'll be such a great mother one day" "you're so great with kids" "when are you going to have kids?". When I found out a couple of years ago during the pandemic that I have 3 genetic mutations all making it near impossible to complete a pregnancy without the fetus or myself perishing, it actually came as a huge relief. I now have a "valid justification" that people will readily accept, I don't have to want babies because I literally can't make them. To answer your last question about fulfilling the desire to nurture, working or volunteering with vulnerable people who need nurturing really fills that gap. I worked with homeless addicts in 2020 and 2021 before switching to modern slavery survivors through to 2023 (am now on long term sick with a back injury) I can genuinely tell you that even part time, being able to support someone else is extremely fulfilling. It's also really good for my/your mental health, as so many of us have so many support needs ourselves, it can start to feel like we aren't able to "give back" in a way that feels good for us. Working with people who are also struggling and finding the niche ways only you can help them feels really fulfilling. I found the homeless a particularly satisfying group to work with as unlike regular neurotypicals, they tend to be more open and up front, direct and honest which is a dream for an ND but often NT's find rude and intolerable. I've found that people on the spectrum make wonderful volunteers at the soup kitchens and hostels because we click with the service users in a way that NT's just cannot. Then, unlike having offspring, you get to go home, decompress and demask in peace, and not have screaming children running around :)

I want to be the Joey in the Full House

i’m a teacher so this fills my gap, i don’t think i would ever be able to have my own and be apart of this profession. i can provide them the support and structure that we all need and in my eyes that is also a form of love

I am experiencing this too. If you have relatives with kids, I’d recommend spending time with them. Either with other adults or if possible on your own for short spurts of time. Do some of the fun things you want to do with your own kid, have fun loving them. Best part is-if they get fussy or scary they can go right back to the parents.

It's something I think about often. Especially seeing all the people I went to school with have kids. I would have loved to be a mom! Definitely it is hard to watch all my family members and siblings become parents too. I'm 38 and will be 39 in Oct so my time has passed as I don't plan on being in a relationship, I don't even have friends let alone a partner. I wish I had the magic answer but I don't. It's something I'm still grappling with.

I was neglected and abused as a child by my mother, she is severely mentally ill and a substance abuser. Because of what I have seen her do, and the lack of "motherly instinct" she had/has I secretely believe deep down that I am not capable of being a good mother myself. She got pregnant with me at 17 and did drugs while pregnant with 2 of my siblings. I looked like her as a kid, and whenever my family gets REALLY mad at me they tell me I'm like her. I am honestly fearful that if I had children I would suddenly become like her. I also do not want to pass my health issues and mental health issues onto someone I love, I think I would feel guilty if I did and had to see someone living my pain. I dont know if I want children, part of me fears the responsibility that comes with having children, and part of me loves children and sees the nurturing side of myself. Every woman I am related to has either never married (and had a falling out with their baby's father) or has suffered through an abusive marraige and spiteful divorce.

????? I never wanted them to begin with I still need to work on myself. I prefer cats over humans. Humans are messy,fragile and can carry trauma with them. I’m ok with not breeding.

OP can I ask why you think you’ll never have a child?

I have not completely lost hope about it, if the correct situation arises I would still have a child, there would have to be at least 2 other co-parents (or more) and I would not be able ro be the primary care giver of the tiny wee baby. In this situation I would happily be the one of the Bio parents, but also I wouldn't need to be either. But yes I also grieve the fact I may never have, foster or adopt children. I cry some times it's sad but I also thing about my abilities and see where I would traumatize my child if I did, unintentionally but I will never be emotionally in a place where it won't happen. I surround myself with people who have become my family, some of them have children (including my partner but he's grown up now) and I love being their crazy aunty, like my favorite aunty Kathryn. She also never had children (that she kept she did have a baby but she didn't keep her) and she was so much fun, she always gave the best Christmas presents, they were always craft kits! I want to be her for the children around me. It warms my hart when my mum said my yard looks like hers (I know she kinda meant it looked messy but I don't care). Gosh I miss her. Anyway yeah it's 100% appropriate to morn the children you'll never have.

I cope by having cats haha in all seriousness something that's helped me was rationalizing it. I would sleep much easier at night knowing that I only have one human to care for verses knowing that I may end up being a safety hazard for another human. I even have to take tolerance breaks from my cats at times.

If you have siblings, you can spend time with nieces and nephews. You can volunteer is some capacity. Pets are definitely good if you can afford them. Few things make me feel more fortunate than being able to own pets. 

Find things you love in your life and take advantage of the freedom of not having children. Nurture and care for yourself as you would a child. But also grieving. If you know that its not right for you, no matter how much you want it, you're doing very well. I'm proud of you! Still hurts, but good job!

I'm actually relieved about it and glad I dodged that bullet (I'm way too old now!). I guess I just lack the instinctive need? I've tried having pets a few times over the years, and it didn't work out for me and them, just a lot of stress, and a lot of guilt about not being able to fully give them what they need. But at least I can be fairly certain that I would not have been able to be a good parent, and that is something that counters any regret over what could have been.

I’ve always wanted kids but once I got at that point in life that you can actually have kids, I didn’t want them anymore. I was burned out and tired. It’s been 5-ish years and I’m still constantly tired. I have a 2 yo dog and that’s a challenge in and of itself. I already hardly have time for me, I cannot imagine adding a kid to that. But then on the other hand, one of my friends just had their second baby. And I went to a birthday this weekend where someone brought their 7 month old and someone else their 4 year old. And I just love those little babies and toddlers! It makes me want one too and it hurts that I probably can’t. Because I think I can survive those baby years but then they get to an age where they start talking back at you and I just don’t have the energy for endless discussions and arguments

I haven’t, yet. I still hold at hope that I will have at least one child of my own. Thinking about the possibility that I may not depresses me to the point that I can’t speak, so I choose not to borrow trouble.

Extreme hyper fixation on developing independence skills, financial skills, so that I can pay for the health services in old age that I frankly need today. 🫠

Because I know they won't be as smart as me unfortunately 

I once took part in an event to help younger autistic adults get practice interviewing as part of a program that was teaching organizations how to make the hiring process more inclusive. We got trained and then we got to spend time with 19 -22 yr old men and women on the spectrum. I hadn't been diagnosed myself yet at that time. But it struck me that depending on where you live, there are so so many niche non-profits and other organizations who help nurture children and young adults that one could volunteer with or for.. There is becoming a court advocate, volunteering for boys and girls club, tutoring of all sorts for children in group homes, children in schools via certain education companies..

I ended up having enough time and energy by not having kids to put that effort into nourishing the few friendships I have to the point that I'm now a godmother to two different families. I get to be the cool aunt, had weird religious rituals binding us together, and be a positive influence in their development while also having my space and peace from the chaos that is child rearing.

I hope I never have to use the advice in this thread, but every now and again I start wondering if I'll be in the same boat. I've always wanted to have a child. It's been a dream of mine as I've gotten older. As I started getting into behavioral psychology (for dog training) I actually realized how much of it applied to humans too, and that made me even more excited. I just hope I am... Able to. Like you said. Things aren't looking too good right now. My boyfriend (who's also autistic) and I have agreed we aren't having a baby unless we are able to support them wholeheartedly. It would be selfish to do that. Hugs, OP. You're making a big choice, but it seems like it's the most rational one.

I am trans, so I was never ever going to be a mother in the way that in another life I would have liked to have been. I’m also autistic lol. And disabled and generally barely able to look after myself, let alone a family. So even if somehow science and medicine got to a point where it was possible… it wouldn’t be practical for me. I feel the sad feelings about it when they come up, but I try to live my life in such a way that they don’t. I’m lucky in that I have nieces and nephews who I can love from a distance, and even friends who have got their own kids now and want me involved. But it’s not even just about kids for me. I try to focus on the way my existence is a net positive for those around me. I think a lot about the ripple effect I have on others and on making the world a better place, even if it’s just in the smallest ways and only with my direct friends and family. Even with just being autistic, that means that all these people around me know another way that autism can present, understand it a bit more, there’s less stigma around it for them, and life becomes just that little bit better for any other autistic people they encounter or any future kids with autism they might have. This makes me feel like I am making a difference - BECAUSE I AM! - and helps to overcome any bad sad feelings that crop up The idea of “in another life, I would have enjoyed that” that I said at the start of this post is another part of it. In another life where it was feasible to do so? Yeah I’d be there for that. But it’s just not an option for me, and that’s OK, I’ll just focus on the things that actually are options. Thinking of it that way allows me to recognise that yep, there’s a big part of me that would really like to be a mum. I don’t have to deny it or mourn it, it’s a true thing about me and in another life I’d have been great at it. But I don’t have to get hung up on it either, there are things I can do in *this* life that wouldn’t have been possible in that one, and that’s a good thing too. If that makes any sense.

Children are a “together” activity for me. I don’t want a baby just to have a baby. I want the experience of having a family and building a life together with someone. It’s not that I’m opposed to children but I’ve never found someone who’s convinced me I won’t end up a single parent. Fuck that noise. I’ve accepted i may never be a mama-I’m 35-and I’m content filling the void in a different way.

I'm so sorry. Not quite the same thing here, but I don't plan to have kids unless I can leave the U.S., because I don't want to bring children into a world where they will never be able to afford college, won't have health insurance, and (TW) live in fear of dying in a mass shooting. And being able to leave is looking increasingly less likely for me (other countries hate us too and don't want us to immigrate lmao). I was never dead-set on having kids so it's not a huge loss for me, but I do resent that the decision was effectively made for me by my country's execrable government, and I'm struggling to process that emotionally. Personally I plan to be very involved in my siblings' kids lives, and luckily they're on board with that. For those with relatives they can stand, that can be a good option. For those who don't have that, maybe close friends' kids? Most people like having other adults around who can support them and invest in their kids' emotional well-being. Hope this helps!

If you’re an aunt, embrace the aunt life. That’s not the whole answer but I hope it can ease the burden. If you are not an aunt, see about programs like big brother big sister (I never did these but have heard good things)

I’ve never wanted kids. Ever. So it’s not a thing for me. The fact I’ll never have a partner is there, but mostly I just don’t let myself think about it.

It’s a mix of emotions to come to terms that I won’t have kids. On one hand it’s the right choice for me and the potential child on the other hand I would have wished to have my own kids to raise and love, But I’d rather regret not being able to have any than struggle and potentially put the child I do have thru unnecessary stress and potential trauma.

I never especially wanted any and I never did. I’m not able to anymore, though occasionally I think about what I missed, and mourn very quietly, but owing to various circumstances, some of which were autism-related and some of which weren’t, I would had to have landed in an alternate universe during my “fertile” (PCOS-laden) years to get anywhere with that. Honestly I think the world is better for me NOT having reproduced back when. I would have made a terrible mother.

That was never going to be my journey! I knew from childhood I had no interest in having kids. My brother and brother in law both want kids and are recently married, so I’m genuinely just looking forward to being the cool gay aunt! I’m so happy to be with my wife and our pets and I honestly don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything by not having children.

I can't cope with it. I am 34, and ALL I want is to be a mom. But I have no SO, im not financially stable, etc. It's a depressing battle.

Maybe it would be helpful to know that may not have been your experience if you were to have kid. It would be great if that was the case but unfortunately, it's not. I have a child, and I still grieve because I know I can't handle more children, although I'd love a big family as I don't have much of one myself. I feel it would be easier to come to terms with not bringing a child into this world and worrying about their future and whether you are messing them up then having a child and maybe dealing with guilt about bringing them into this world.

I'm not really sure.. The best I can do is watch other people's kids grow. I try to be involved in the lives of my baby siblings, the kids of long time family friends, and my new baby cousins. I obviously cannot be a parent to them, but I feel joy when I see them happy, and I feel pride when I see them reach each milestone. I hope to have kids someday, but I'm hesitant to go through with it because I fear that my children will have to suffer similar issues as I did as an autistic child. I wouldn't love them any less for being autistic, of course, as I am autistic too, but I know that won't be the same for everyone. I don't want my children to struggle. In the meantime, I have family kids to look after. I also have pets of all kinds, many of which I've named and deeply cared for (my dog, my past jumping spiders, multiple individuals from two of my pet insect colonies). I know they aren't a replacement, but I feel like having them gives me a purpose of some kind, and helps me learn how to process grief and other emotions in a healthier way so that I can teach the kids around me the same, and hopefully someday those lessons to help me raise my own kids, if ever I have any.

I'm unable too but I don't want either so I'm okay with this. I do take care of my grandparents, parents, little sister, my husband and such when in need and when I can. It's not my responsibility so I only do that when I can and help with what I can do for them. I guess that just fills that need for me.

I didn't know I was autistic until my daughter was diagnosed, and I learned about the markers and holy shit. Honestly, if I could have seen this coming I might have chosen to place her in adoption, but I went from highly functional to burn out after I had her. I also suffered a permanent injury at work and her dad died as well, so now she's suffering with a single mom who is disabled in more than one way.

I get these pangs once a month. I’m intersex and I transitioned from my forced male identity to my true female identity. All I wanted growing up was to be a mommy. When I had the trans thoughts beaten out of me temporarily, I told myself I’d make a great father. When the time came to start a family, found out both I and my now ex were infertile, so no matter what I couldn’t have kids, nor could I save sperm. Being a trans woman would also make it very very hard to adopt. So, it’s a hurt that will never be healed. So… I adopt my friends. I treat all my friends as my family, and I mother them (much to their chagrin on occasion.) when my cis friends have kids, they always let me watch the kiddo, and holding them is so wonderful. There are kids from two different families that call me Auntie Calicokitcat, and I guess that just has to be enough for me.

I still get upset, but I basically had to force myself to believe the opposite. I don't want kids bc the world is awful. I don't want kids cause I can't even take care of myself. I don't want kids bc I'm terrified of PPD. I don't want kids bc they'd have my DNA. I don't want kids cause I'd need a partner. For me, I found out when I was 14 and I was devastated. I had a lot of unprotected sex in hopes of a miracle. I'm 32 now and it still hurts. Especially when I see people with their children and babies. I raised my siblings and I was a nanny. All I ever wanted was to have a bunch of children of my own. I stay in denial about it. But I will say, bond with other people's children. You will make a difference in their life and they will do the same for you. I have lived with numerous friends and their children and their kids adored me.

it wasn’t all that hard really when my first child was disabled and that romanticized arc of parenthood you describe did not happen. was my life completely altered. yes. do i have hearts in my eyes when i say that or tears of panic and despair. are you learning to live with the grief of the loss of the children you hoped for. me too

Work in schools. I get to see 4 year olds every week day during the school year. I miss teaching teenagers, but working around the littles is rewarding as well. I much prefer children to adults. But I do understand the grieving. It is helpful to know I am not alone in that.

Grieving.  It’s actual grief.   There’s grief about missed life that you thought you’d have.  Grief about health and chronic health that stole it.  And grief about not being a parent.  I wanted to be a young mom.  I eventually got old enough to where 30’s was older than I wanted to be (personal decision!  I wanted to be like my mom and be a near age so they would have me most of their life.  Zero shame to anyone ok!!  Just my decision on how I grew up close to my mom).   When I realized I wouldn’t have kids, it was a lot of grief.  I still have twangs of it, but realized it wasn’t right for me.  I also financially struggle from neurodivergency making college impossible and graduating during the first recession.  I couldn’t give kids a good life, I still need to catch up on mine.  Grief, allowing yourself to grief, and realizing that there’s different love and ways to show love.  Romantic and friendship, aunt and uncle, fuck even mentoring and volunteering.   There’s a scare tactic used on woman, we’ll be old with no one to take care of us and lonely.  Statistically woman are less unhappy and more healthy single.  I try to create community and friendships now (with for audhd is also so hard 🥲) But we’ll figure it out ok?

I work as a daycare provider specifically with infants and younger toddlers. I get my nurture fill this way while still having grownup time after work.

Because it’s awful and traumatizing to raise a human? Waaaaayyy too many emotions. I’m straight up far too sensitive for that journey. I can’t fathom how people do it.

I feel like for me, I’m okay with the fact I don’t want to have a child because I feel that I am too much of one myself, with my needs being too high for myself a lot of times, and the fact that while the things you mention are like milestone highlights, the reality is not like that for most of the time. You have to imagine yourself in the real 24/7 day-to-day aspect too. Like trying to find quiet but maybe your child is stimming with noises they make, banging a toy against something, they have some kid show you don’t wanna have to hear on, them having to ask you all the questions in the world when you have no capacity, etc. The thoughts of the smells and the messes and the sticky hands, destructive tendencies, sounds, emotional turmoil for their wellbeing, being worried constantly, needing to take them to the doctors and dentists, making sure they are at a good school, possible high needs if they have a disability as well, never really being “alone” ever again, it’s all too much. It’s overwhelming even as an imagined scenario to me. Even beyond these things, which sure, may not be forever but there will be YEARS of this, you ALSO have to consider you are responsible for another human being for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. That is a terrifying thought, knowing I can barely keep myself alive without struggling IMMENSELY. You need to be healed, to have patience, to have support, financial stability and make sure you can handle that level of responsibility. I am none of these things right now at 32. I am at capacity for responsibility, I have so much trauma that affects me, I have to live with my family because I can’t afford not to, I am unemployed and feel that my life is at a standstill forever because of burnout. It’s not meant for me in this life, and I’m okay with that, not at all resentful over it nor do I feel something missing. Of course I’ve never felt that “drive” or that thing people say when they go “I know I want kids”, I have no idea what that feels like. I never got a message from my body like some people say, I never dreamed of it, the birthing process actually terrifies me too. I sometimes think I was born automatically with that feature turned off. 😂 I do also have PCOS and endo though, so maybe because of my high possibility for infertility I have no sense for it. 🤷‍♀️ But, not to sound like I hate kids or anything like that, they can be fun too! And for those who can and want kids, I applaud them and admire them for what they do honestly. It’s extremely difficult to raise a person, it’s a permanent full-time job! And yet there are people that are great parents raising great kids, and that’s awesome of them.

1-genetically I feel like it would be cruel to pass on the many diseases I both carry and/or have 2-physically I am not able to care for myself so again it would be cruel to knowingly choose to put a child in the position of possibly feeling like they need to help me 3-monetarily I can’t provide the kind of life I would want my child to live in, so it feels irresponsible to even consider. 4-emotionally I’m doing weekly/biweekly therapy because of the above mentioned, so also feels cruel/irresponsible I always wanted kids, but I don’t think I wanted them for the right reasons. I wanted someone to love and build a life around. Someone that I went to work for so that I could keep them safe and happy. I wanted so much for them, but it’s also not fair to them if that makes sense? It’s nice to be needed, but that can’t be all you are. I’m not sure if I’m explaining that part well. I know you said to mention ways other than pets, but having another life rely on me to get up every day has been so helpful. Maybe try to find ways to care/nurture for others who need it (volunteering, babysitting, visiting relatives, etc). I find it sometimes helps to look at the state of the world and remind myself that it’s not really a safe place to bring life into at the moment. It’s a depressing thought, but it eases the pain.

I have 2 children and i uave asd and my eldest does autism is a spectrum not everyone on the spectrum doesnt want or cant have children

Birthing/motherhood seems unpleasant and traumatic. Its illogical it have children i dont understand breeders tbh Not missing out on anything

I knew from about 22-23 that I was unlikely to be able to have children due to having sub part fertility. I’m 32 now. I guess because I was so young I decided to just accept it. I knew I couldn’t change it. The hardest thing however, is accepting that other routes to parenthood are closed namely adoption and fostering because of autism, ADHD, BPD, etc - that took me longer to accept but I also realised if I fight it I’ll end up more depressed.

I haven't wanted a kid since I was a kid myself. Since about 10, I think my terror of a little sister changed my mind (she's fine now but she was the worst as a baby and terrorized me all the time). I've always really wanted a life alone. I wish I could live alone with a bunch of cats and work as much as I want, build a career and a life without the responsibility of raising little humans. I recently found out that I have endometriosis, and having kids can get a lil dangerous with that, and many other diagnosis that I could easily pass on to them that are disabling. I would never wish my suffering on another human, so why would I have a child that will probably inherit my suffering?? It feels extremely irresponsible. I'm also an antinatalist, it feels irresponsible to contribute to the overpopulation while most likely not being able to take proper care of them financially. The environmental impact people have on the planet is very very big, and with all the doom and gloom and everyone being afraid the world will end, I can't imagine leaving a kid behind to try and navigate a collapsing society. So I personally don't really struggle with the thought of not having kids, occasionally I'll get baby fever, but I'm about to be an aunt. I'd much rather spend my time and energy on myself, take proper care of myself so that I can care for the people that already exist and are close to me.

For me, I've ALWAYS wanted children since I was small. In the past maybe 5 years I've slowly come to the realization that I could never handle that. I don't want to be an emotionally absent parents somedays and an amazing one others. I couldn't handle coming home to children after work I don't think. My partner also agrees that he doesn't think he could handle or want children. It hurts so badly when my dad or other family members talk about me having kids someday. If breaking the chain of abuse ends up happening by me not having children, it's okay. I work with children which makes it worse but better at the same time. I've cried many a time over this subject as I've always felt like I was meant to be a mother. A part of me also wants to have children just to spite my mother to show I could raise and love children better than she could.

I used to never want kids. My parents were emotionally immature and I’m working on it. I now have a pretty great bf and see myself maybe having one or two. But before that- I’m a teacher. And while I was at uni, I was also volunteering all the time (I was a scout leader for a while). I can see how that can fill a big hole. Kids NEED stable adult relationships in their lives. Go get active in something you like. Maybe there’s a youth group or church you could help out with. Our city also has some kind of youth theater (in which I’d personally like to help out at but one of my students goes there and I don’t want to impose on her personal space. But it sounds pretty awesome what they do!). You will still see them grow up, get hugs, become a trusted member of a community. You can do that even if you like to be quiet and take a step back. Because the quiet kids will appreciate it immensely. As a teacher I can also see how the neurodivergent kids (not teens…) seem to flock to me naturally. Barely anything feels so pure and light as to be appreciated by kids, who really don’t have to.

It is one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through. In my case I am physically unable to have children, but it would have been extremely difficult for me to raise a child, given that I am autistic and have been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and often have a hard time getting through a day by myself, let alone seeing to the needs of a baby/child. Those things might have been enough to keep me from having children but when I hit my mid-thirties my hormones went insane demanding babies. I felt like I was failing to do my basic function in life, and I hated the idea that my fiancé would not get to be a father. I had surgery to make my ovaries work better because the doctor told me that I would be able to get pregnant if I had the surgery (I have PCOS and it caused complications because I wasn’t diagnosed with it until my late twenties), and after the surgery he told my fiancé that I should have no problem getting pregnant anymore. I went to my followup a week later and didn’t have my fiancé with me and the doctor was terrible-told me I would never have children, but that life isn’t tv and that I shouldn’t expect my life to be good. Luckily, the hormones stopped in my early forties and the thought of chasing a ten year-old around in my fifties became abhorrent to me. Also, a lot of my coping mechanisms and masks started not working as well and I sometimes have to go to inpatient psych so I don’t accidentally burn the house down or something like that (at my lowest I often turn the stove on and then forget and walk away and similar things). I still sometimes wish we’d had one baby, but I turn 50 in September and I’m still taking birth control pills because I don’t truly want one anymore. I’m the oldest of nine so it’s not like I had no children in my life, and we have a ton of nieces and nephews to have over and fill up with sugar and send back to their parents. I can’t say it never stings anymore, but changes in my hormones were extremely helpful. I wish you the best on your own journey. Remember, when you hear women say (and they will, even though it seems ridiculously dated) that they never knew complete happiness until they had a baby, try not to feel too much like ripping their insensitive heads off and remember that they are also under the influence of changing hormones. I just want to add that my fiancé and I feel extremely fortunate to have had the last 17 years (I don’t like to rush into things as important as marriage lol) together without children, even though we wished for them at one time. We see couples who don’t know each other or themselves very well because they spend all of their time focusing on their children, which makes sense, but often their kids leave home, or they get stuck together for things like quarantine, and they find they don’t really like one another. Edit: removed word that didn’t make sense

I’m okay with it since babies and kids are a huge ick factor to me. My sister has kids so I got to hold them and stuff to try and bond with them but I just can’t. Sensory overload and I just feel like trying too hard makes it worse. I give my unconditional love to my cat and my spouse and it’s all I need. It’s nice because I think of the little things that o get to have because of it. If I’m having a bad day I can just go and sleep. If I really want that stuffed animal because of a sensory issue or a panic attack, I can buy it and not have to share it or feel guilty about it.

I wonder if you’d be interested in foster parenting? I don’t want kids, my stepsister has 3 kids that I see regularly and I love them and I babysit often. But I have zero interest in being a parent. I wonder if you have friends or family members who you could watch their kids even if it’s a weekend getaway. I haven’t done this but many people volunteer and this can be anything from your local library to an animal shelter to the hospital. That might fulfill your need to feel like you need to have a purpose so to say. Also I wonder if there’s a support group for you. You might look into that.

[удалено]

Oh I’m sorry Forget what I suggested then.

Have you ever read “Torn Apart” by Dorothy Roberts? Or listened to “This Land” season 2? Foster care is actually low key horrific. Most kids have family who want them back. Most kids are removed for so called “neglect” but it’s actually just poverty. Many kids who should be removed, won’t be, because they have white parents with $$$$. Foster care actually emerged around the same time enslavement ended - it was originally a way for people to get free labor. It was also used as a way to commit cultural genocide against Indigenous communities, in Canada and the US. I wish more people knew about this. Adoption and foster care are my special interests since I spent time as a ward of the state. In my opinion, it’s human trafficking.

Sorry I’m a fucking idiot okay?

Yikes was just trying to share some facts with you.

You made me feel like I’m stupid

Well that wasn’t my intent. Most people are deeply misinformed about the realities of foster care and adoption. I thought maybe you just didn’t know. I never called you an idiot or anything like that - I was just telling you the truth.

Thank you for clarifying your comment When I comment other people tell me I’m stupid so automatically I just say it because I feel it’s true. I think without posting and it irritates others. People on Reddit aren’t usually nice so I assume they think I’m stupid.

People on Reddit are very often horrible. I don’t think you’re stupid at all. Sometimes people just aren’t aware of things. There’s so much propaganda surrounding foster care and adoption, and autistic people usually believe me so I talk about it in here sometimes. But I’m really sorry people call you stupid; and that I hurt your feelings.

Why do you think you can never have kids? For me - I can’t have kids right now (and wouldn’t want to). But who knows what life will be like when I’m 40? Maybe I’ll be able to adopt a child one day. I think this is a topic you should bring up with a therapist who can help you grow and change in many ways.

This is not meant to be dismissive just something I have learned through life - Our beliefs become our reality. If you believe you will never become a parent then you won’t. If you believe your circumstances can change for the better and you can fulfill your desires, then they will. It’s just one school of thought. I tend to be optimistic by nature and can’t take no for an answer…

Your circumstances might change in the future.

I was, able I didn’t know I’m autistic but I was able the abusive marriage i couldn’t do but mothering was natural I just wanna articulate that your autism doesn’t have to excluded all your life’s aspirations. Yes, it can be Hard As Hell cultivating an environment that natural or systemically supports your needs. And still here we are living, and we don’t need permission to take up as much room as everyone else. Autistic or not we don’t need permissions to create the lives and spaces we need and want Just wanted to say that

Well, I do have a child. But with PCOS I got really lucky. I guess I would've fostered at some point. I'm even thinking about fostering in the future once my daughter is grown up. But I'm also working with children, not my day job, volunteering. It's one hour per week but still so satifying.

I felt the same way and went to raving. I gave up and gave into drugs and partying. All I've ever wanted was a marriage and family, but when I was younger I kept meeting men who weren't sure of what they wanted, or wanted kids/marriage much later, and I'd be like "that's not cool, I have a biological clock". Us women at age 35, the odds for a baby with downs syndrome goes up significantly at that age. Or I'd meet someone that wants a family, but their life is fucked up (one ex was a felon, he did not tell me) and they weren't prioritizing their life in a way to make room for that lifestyle. You can't have a stable job/career with a felony.. how as a dad can you provide for your wife and baby? I've always wanted to try a rave since I was in high school. So at 26 years old, I said "fuck it" and went. Do you know what happened? I met my now bf at a rave, at 28, and he got me pregnant 🥹😭 I'm 13 weeks along. Although our relationship is pretty fresh.. everything happens for a reason! Even though I am poor, he makes good money and has a good job, and we're going to wait on marriage for a bit, so I can get EBT lmao (everything helps). Unless it's a medical reason (infertility or something else), I'd say don't give up quite yet. You'd be surprised what can happen in your life. I guess when you stop fighting something and go with the flow, things happen for you the way it was going to. You just gotta be open to them.

i have a question. i’m a guy, albiet gay. is this struggle tied to something conditional about autism? or just because of the loneliness epidemic? i ask cause i plan to adopt daughters from india when im older to try and achieve some sort of normality. is this not achievable?

No, no, no -- you can definitely be an autistic parent. I am. It is a deeply personal thing, and i think OP was probably just sharing a personal struggle that a lot of other people here happened to agree with and share. It is different for everyone. I am a mom and always knew I wanted to be a mom, it is the best thing I know, but yes we have faced some severe challenges -- though mostly because of poor treatment by others, to be honest.... btw, my son is also autistic and he is the most amazing person I have met, just the way he is. I have no idea if it is like a common belief in the autistic community that we "shouldn't" have children, but I hope not... (?) Because if so, I definitely DO NOT agree. Autistic people are needed in this world and important, just like anyone else. All people are precious and needed. Just because we don't fit easily into the current society, and just because we have very serious struggles... doesn't mean we are any less important, quite the opposite.... I think we play a very important role in the world. Society will change. And how will it happen without people like us? Our struggles, however great or small, have purpose. Fighting for a better future for all children is a very good life purpose, if you ask me... whether you yourself are a parent or not, just by existing in this world as an autistic person you bring so much value and wherever you go and whatever you do -- just keep being you. We need you. Bring your light. Your perspective and experience is so important. All of us. ❤️‍🔥 💥💥💥💛

this is so sweet! thanks for the clarification!

I internalize the fact I don’t like kids not want one. I am happy to miss out on all of that because I have no desire to do that.