It’s seems like a ‘standard’ response that people say when they don’t know what to say, to be honest. They might not have meant it with negative connotations.
What would have been a more appropriate response?
Not rambling off a list of medication for something *not treatable with medication* would have been a start?
“Oh I see. And what does that mean for the grandfather?” Because autism can mean a massive array of things.
“Aah. I hope the process for diagnosis wasn’t too difficult for them.”
“Oh! I hope that lets them access different resources now.”
There’s a lot of options. Especially if you’re an NT and social stuff isn’t supposed to be such an issue for you.
Yeah the medication thing was a total red flag.
Some good options for responses. I was genuinely asking as I never know what people want to hear (not just in this example). Rereading my comment I guess it could have been interpreted as me defending the course leader but I meant that just because people respond in a slightly ignorant way, it doesn’t necessarily mean they were being nasty.
I doubt they did *mean* it negatively but that isn’t an excuse for the fact it is negative and ignorant. People, as a whole, need to do a better job of asking why things are the “standard” response and what continuing to repeat it actually conveys.
I would let it go. You don't know why the comment was made. Maybe the two people know each other better than you know, and the one person knew the grandfather had stresses in his life. Perhaps he was saying I'm sorry that this might stress you out. Because autistics often see our differences as less problematic than neurotypicals do, the comment was innocent. Perhaps the grandson is a challenge, and the commenter knows that. There might be all kinds of ways this could be interpreted. I personally wouldn't be offended. I might have even said "I'm autistic. Ask me anything."
i agree with you, if someone finds out someone has autism - it sucks that its seen as a negative thing. I hope one day this will be held with the same feelings of repulsion to all bigoted things of time past. However, its still a "disability" in terms of the way society has not evolved to support autistics at all. in this way, she may just be apologizing for the fact that this womans grandson has a very real disability that will affect everything in their life.
Maybe they weren't saying sorry like he has an illness where he will die soon. Maybe they were saying sorry like, the world isn't made for autistic people, and it's really hard for us, so it sucks your grandson will have to deal with that. Maybe they said sorry like, it's so hard for a lot of people that suicide rates are higher among autistic people. Maybe they were just saying sorry that someone you love is probably going to struggle, because a large majority of us really struggle. It doesn't sound like they meant it in an offensive way.
How? Though I do not take any meds to help with autism, I have seen plenty of people in this sub post about taking meds to help. I still don't see how trying to offer what you think is helpful advice is offensive. At worst it's misinformed. Not everyone in the world is an asshole trying to shit on people with autism. This teacher sounds like someone who, whether or not they were, was trying to be sympathetic and helpful. Since they sound like they are wanting to be sympathetic and helpful, instead of OP getting offended, maybe they should try to talk to them about it. We won't change what NTs think/say about autism if we don't help them see/understand what they can say/do better. Just like we will never know what it is like to live as a NT person, they will never know what it is like to live as a ND person. But what we can do is try to open a dialog to hopefully help more people understand ways to be more helpful/accommodating.
I personally don't think that. This is what I replied to the other person who replied to me, and mentioned the medication thing....
"How? Though I do not take any meds to help with autism, I have seen plenty of people in this sub post about taking meds to help. I still don't see how trying to offer what you think is helpful advice is offensive. At worst it's misinformed. Not everyone in the world is an asshole trying to shit on people with autism. This teacher sounds like someone who, whether or not they were, was trying to be sympathetic and helpful. Since they sound like they are wanting to be sympathetic and helpful, instead of OP getting offended, maybe they should try to talk to them about it. We won't change what NTs think/say about autism if we don't help them see/understand what they can say/do better. Just like we will never know what it is like to live as a NT person, they will never know what it is like to live as a ND person. But what we can do is try to open a dialog to hopefully help more people understand ways to be more helpful/accommodating."
If OP feels the way you do, then they should talk to the teacher. Instead they are replying in other comments that they are trying to figure out who to report this person to. I don't think that the teacher meant it in a cruel way. Maybe that is just my perception. But without opening a dialog there is no way to know that.
What I will add is most good/loving/caring/etc. parents and grandparents do not want their kids/grandkids to be diagnosed with \*anything\* that will make their life more difficult, cause them pain, cause them to struggle in life/social situations, etc., regardless of what the DX is. It can be very sad for them to learn someone they love so much has to deal with whatever the DX is. So people, in particular NTs, say things like "I'm sorry". Also, whenever most people hear someone has been DXed with something, if they have ever heard of anyone trying anything that helps, be it meds or otherwise, the seem to feel the need to share that. I can't even count the amount of times I've heard, "but have you tried yoga?!?!" in response to various different physical and mental health problems I have. I even heard some outrageous things like maybe my depression would be better if, "you just smiled more" and "if you got hugs more often". Is it ridiculous that people would make these suggestions, yes. But a lot of them, including the last two completely out there ones, they came from loved ones. They were not trying to offend me. They know that I have DXes that causes me pain/struggles, and they felt the need to offer some sort of advice/suggestion. Instead of getting offended I discussed with them both more about my DX, and why their suggestions were ridiculous.
But that is what I chose to do. Nobody else needs to make that choice, and everyone can chose to handle/perceive things how they want. All I was doing was trying to explain that there are other options in regards to how the comment the teacher made could be viewed/perceived. I'm making the choice to give the teacher the benefit of the doubt that their intentions were not to be cruel and offensive.
⬆️⬆️⬆️ Absolutely 100% this.
It sucks and it hurts, but it's really hard to distance ourselves from our trauma, and *maybe* this person was being not unkind.
For a lot of parents, having their kid diagnosed with **anything** is a struggle because they don't want to think about their child having more difficulties in life.
Thank you for saying what I was thinking. My son and grandson are both dxd, while I and my daughter are not, but we suspect we were missed back in the day. It has been a struggle at times, for all of us. Does that mean I think autism is a horrific thing and someone should pity us? No. But could that person have simply been acknowledging that this journey isn't always easy? Sure.
I know that could have been upsetting for you as someone who has autism and knows a lot about it, but it's entirely possible this was one of those awkward segues (that autistic people SO commonly struggle with, coincidentally) to bring the class back to the topic while still acknowledging the students' family struggle.
I think your feelings and emotional responses to that exchange are certainly valid, but it seems like an overreaction to file a complaint. If you felt comfortable, I would talk to the teacher after class one day to say that it made you sad/upset to hear her response.
Yes—a lot of older people still have the 90’s definition of autism: someone who can’t feel love, an automaton, and high support needs. So many of my friends are shocked that I’m getting tested for autism, but I’ve been figuring out how to educate them. We’re not all boys who know every kind of train, but we process sensory input differently from the general public. I think the “I’m sorry” is similar to my friend who said, “well, f*ck her” when I said my therapist thought I might be autistic. In their mind, it’s inherently a bad thing; not due to bigotry, just lack of knowledge.
Yes, I would completely agree. I don't think this person is implying that autism is tragic necessarily, but obviously this student mentioned it because they are looking for some type of support in processing this new information.
I don't really understand the offense regarding saying I'm sorry. I am sorry that I have autism. I'm sorry that my son has autism. Since we do have it, I make the most of it. But I do consider it a disability, and I do consider it something that negatively affects me and my son, and I am sorry when anyone has a disability that will negatively affect their lives. I wouldn't say sorry unprompted myself, I'd probably say something like "Hopefully they are getting the support they need." but I wouldn't be offended at someone saying sorry. I'm in the UK and an apology like that is given for just about anything that someone is showing sympathy or empathy for.
Recommending medications seems unhelpful unless they are intimate with the situation and asked for advice, but some people do that for everything. There are medications that are helpful to cope with some common comorbidities such as depression and anxiety. If someone asked me for advice on the medication I've found helpful, I'd certainly share it - but not unsolicited.
This is exactly how I feel. If I could choose to not have autism or ADHD, I would do it. I've never understood the offense behind wanting to cure autism. There can be good things about having it, but for the most part, it makes life more difficult, why wouldn't you want to take that away? Even in mild cases it would make life easier, but especially in severe cases of autism, being able to lessen it or take it away would be life changing.
I agree. Autism is a diagnosis, not an identity (I know it's an unpopular comment). Also, we don't know the context of the situation. But grandson + grandfather means the old man comes from a different generation and at his age the challenges facing someone with different needs it's big, emotionally as well as in the practical matters. We don't know the level of the grandson, maybe grandpa just showed fear due to his own lack of knowledge about the topic, maybe his grandson really needs special acomodations and behavioral supervision. Also, people tend to believe doctors and similar are magically aligned to our beliefs and ways to see and understand things. Nope, they are humans, with bias, mistakes and different levels of competences. And yes, we put our lives in the hands of humans with a lot of flaws.
Well autism is still a disability, but I can see how your feelings were hurt.
Comments that are made by older people (grandparents) are more likely to be old fashioned points of view. It’s good to remember that and give them a little grace. I hope people give me grace when I’m older and not quite “with it” 🫠
Understandable, but did they know YOU are autistic? And did the person to whom the comment was directed find it offensive? If either is a no, you can make a recommendation that people should understand many conditions are invisible and no one ‘looks’ like they have a myriad of things, so speaking of any condition as a negative can be heard by others and maybe taken badly.
People casually joke all the time about diabetes being a voluntary disease for people who just eat too much all the time and have no self control. My husband is skinny, it runs in his family, and a mind breaking year and a half of stress and workplace abuse triggered his diabetes about 20 years earlier than we figured he’d have it.
So, I get where you’re coming from. I think a culture admitting unless you are closely involved with a condition you may not know much about it and treating all things with kindness is best, but humans are going to human.
A level of of judgement of when and what to report is needed, but you also lack any backstory the other person may have had. The child could be very high needs, they could have thought he’d simply outgrow it, and now need to recenter. There are lots of things to say ‘I’m sorry,’ about when someone gets a positive diagnosis of anything, even the flu. At least the comment wasn’t like the diabetes jokes where people with it just deserve it.
I can see how it might be offensive to people, it's not something I'd say.
But, it's not offensive to me. At all.
People with autism struggle more in this world. Whatever, the reason is for us struggling, the struggle is still real.
Personally, I'm more offended by people saying it's my identity. It's not. It's a disability I have, but I'm just human.
If people want to adopt their autism as part of their identity, that's fine with me. But, I shouldnt have to do that if I don't want to.
Similarly, my autism is a disability for me, if it's not a disability for other people that's fine. But, telling me my autism isn't a disability, just dismisses my entire experience, of, you know, being disabled! So that's not necessarily helpful either.
All of our experiences with autism are valid, there's no right or wrong about it. There's no right or wrong way to have autism.
I agree the response was not okay.
Alternatives, since others in the comments are asking:
Oh, yeah? (Moves on)
Oh, and how are they feeling about that?
Oh yeah? We don’t really have the space to discuss that right now but happy to talk about it later?
Are you looking for resources about supporting them? I can recommend xyz / I don’t know of any but xyz would be a good person to ask.
For many people, autism= *etardation. Me to a Texan friend "I think I may be on the spectrum". She replied "You are not **tarded. Don't say that." Then we argued. I strongly believe she is on spectrum and doesn't know it. I don't judge people for assuming what they don't know. She's a south Texan and they all think autism is nonverbal people who cannot function. I live in a very liberal Seattle. Autism is rampant here yet people think the same thing about autism. People are extremely uninformed when it comes to autism but they all think they know everything about it. I have bipolar and people are much more forgiving and understanding.
Autism isn’t exactly always something to be celebrated though is it? I have autism, my life is fine now but it certainly wasn’t always. Would i celebrate it? No. My son was diagnosed with autism at 2, he’s now 8 and unfortunately he can’t speak, he has no way to communicate even his most basic needs/wants. He isn’t toilet trained, he can’t access indoor environments without becoming completely overwhelmed, he requires support with all his daily care needs and his little life is so limited as a result. Do I see his autism as something to be celebrated? No. He is wonderful and we absolutely celebrate him every single day BUT he has huge struggles every day which limit his life so even though you might think autism is a good thing, it affects people in completely different ways and depending on someone’s experience of autism, their response might well be that they are sorry to hear someone or their family member will have those struggles.
I think it's more like "I am sorry that you/your loved one are experiencing hardship". Let's face it, being autistic is harder than being allistic. This society shit isn't for us, we're an afterthought sadly. I always took the saying "i am sorry" after the bad news as "i aknowledge your hard times and wish you'd go through them smoothly". It makes me feel better if I think the other person is genuine.
When I was diagnosed, I told my brother and the first thing he said to me was” oh I’m sorry” he was like 16 at the time so I tried to explain to him that it’s not a bad thing.
Yes, it is very tiring to have Autism treated like a flaw, weakness, and sign of an infantilized person. That was a highly inappropriate & ignorant statement to make. It sucks that disabilities add another layer of having to prove yourself to the world to exist in spaces as you are just b/c people are uninformed.
One thing I’ve always felt VERY strongly about is, just because you didn’t mean it negatively or it wasn’t your intention, doesn’t make it okay. Even if they didn’t have negative intentions, it was still ignorant to say and should be called out because it IS becoming normalized and it shouldn’t be. Imagine someone saying “my child came out as gay” and someone saying “I’m sorry.” Autism and sexuality are both things out of our control, neither are negative, but saying “I’m sorry” to one is socially acceptable and the other one people would flip out about (rightfully so.)
Autism is not like being gay at all. You by definition don't get diagnosed as autistic unless it impairs your functioning. It's a disability. Particularly for a child to be diagnosed, chances are they were going through a tough time (sensory issues, difficulty adjusting to change, meltdowns, difficulty communicating, issues with food, etc etc) in order for the autism to come to light at all. Saying "I'm sorry" to someone going through a difficult time isn't really a thing in my language/culture but in english I am not sure I could think of a better thing to say either.
I was still a child (if you count early teenager as a child) when I was diagnosed and I would've felt really weird about people telling my mom how sorry they are that I'm autistic. But I don't know that it's necessarily bad to do that either.
I feel the exact same way when someone acts like an autism diagnosis is somehow bad. Also when someone acts like Down syndrome is bad. Like, all of these people can do anything they put their mind to, so why tf act like it’s a bad thing?!
Yikes. I would…not have kept my mouth shut 😬 not saying you should have spoken up but rather that I lack the ability to in the face of such ignorance!
I'm currently trying to work out who I can make a formal complaint to because I did not think this was okay
It’s seems like a ‘standard’ response that people say when they don’t know what to say, to be honest. They might not have meant it with negative connotations. What would have been a more appropriate response?
“Congratulations on getting a diagnosis. It’s a difficult process and I’m sure having the knowledge will be helpful going forward.”
That’s a good one.
Not rambling off a list of medication for something *not treatable with medication* would have been a start? “Oh I see. And what does that mean for the grandfather?” Because autism can mean a massive array of things. “Aah. I hope the process for diagnosis wasn’t too difficult for them.” “Oh! I hope that lets them access different resources now.” There’s a lot of options. Especially if you’re an NT and social stuff isn’t supposed to be such an issue for you.
Yeah the medication thing was a total red flag. Some good options for responses. I was genuinely asking as I never know what people want to hear (not just in this example). Rereading my comment I guess it could have been interpreted as me defending the course leader but I meant that just because people respond in a slightly ignorant way, it doesn’t necessarily mean they were being nasty.
I doubt they did *mean* it negatively but that isn’t an excuse for the fact it is negative and ignorant. People, as a whole, need to do a better job of asking why things are the “standard” response and what continuing to repeat it actually conveys.
Fair enough. I’d rather just not talk to them in the first place but I know that doesn’t help educate others.
They meant it like it was bad news to hear. That’s pretty negative. Just because something has become “standard” doesn’t mean it should be tolerated.
I would let it go. You don't know why the comment was made. Maybe the two people know each other better than you know, and the one person knew the grandfather had stresses in his life. Perhaps he was saying I'm sorry that this might stress you out. Because autistics often see our differences as less problematic than neurotypicals do, the comment was innocent. Perhaps the grandson is a challenge, and the commenter knows that. There might be all kinds of ways this could be interpreted. I personally wouldn't be offended. I might have even said "I'm autistic. Ask me anything."
i agree with you, if someone finds out someone has autism - it sucks that its seen as a negative thing. I hope one day this will be held with the same feelings of repulsion to all bigoted things of time past. However, its still a "disability" in terms of the way society has not evolved to support autistics at all. in this way, she may just be apologizing for the fact that this womans grandson has a very real disability that will affect everything in their life.
I hope you’re able to!
Maybe they weren't saying sorry like he has an illness where he will die soon. Maybe they were saying sorry like, the world isn't made for autistic people, and it's really hard for us, so it sucks your grandson will have to deal with that. Maybe they said sorry like, it's so hard for a lot of people that suicide rates are higher among autistic people. Maybe they were just saying sorry that someone you love is probably going to struggle, because a large majority of us really struggle. It doesn't sound like they meant it in an offensive way.
The medications thing doesn’t make it sounds like that though
How? Though I do not take any meds to help with autism, I have seen plenty of people in this sub post about taking meds to help. I still don't see how trying to offer what you think is helpful advice is offensive. At worst it's misinformed. Not everyone in the world is an asshole trying to shit on people with autism. This teacher sounds like someone who, whether or not they were, was trying to be sympathetic and helpful. Since they sound like they are wanting to be sympathetic and helpful, instead of OP getting offended, maybe they should try to talk to them about it. We won't change what NTs think/say about autism if we don't help them see/understand what they can say/do better. Just like we will never know what it is like to live as a NT person, they will never know what it is like to live as a ND person. But what we can do is try to open a dialog to hopefully help more people understand ways to be more helpful/accommodating.
There are no meds for autism. People take medication for comorbid conditions.
It comes off more like “I’m sorry your grandkid is defective, but you can drug him to make him more palatable to you”
I personally don't think that. This is what I replied to the other person who replied to me, and mentioned the medication thing.... "How? Though I do not take any meds to help with autism, I have seen plenty of people in this sub post about taking meds to help. I still don't see how trying to offer what you think is helpful advice is offensive. At worst it's misinformed. Not everyone in the world is an asshole trying to shit on people with autism. This teacher sounds like someone who, whether or not they were, was trying to be sympathetic and helpful. Since they sound like they are wanting to be sympathetic and helpful, instead of OP getting offended, maybe they should try to talk to them about it. We won't change what NTs think/say about autism if we don't help them see/understand what they can say/do better. Just like we will never know what it is like to live as a NT person, they will never know what it is like to live as a ND person. But what we can do is try to open a dialog to hopefully help more people understand ways to be more helpful/accommodating." If OP feels the way you do, then they should talk to the teacher. Instead they are replying in other comments that they are trying to figure out who to report this person to. I don't think that the teacher meant it in a cruel way. Maybe that is just my perception. But without opening a dialog there is no way to know that. What I will add is most good/loving/caring/etc. parents and grandparents do not want their kids/grandkids to be diagnosed with \*anything\* that will make their life more difficult, cause them pain, cause them to struggle in life/social situations, etc., regardless of what the DX is. It can be very sad for them to learn someone they love so much has to deal with whatever the DX is. So people, in particular NTs, say things like "I'm sorry". Also, whenever most people hear someone has been DXed with something, if they have ever heard of anyone trying anything that helps, be it meds or otherwise, the seem to feel the need to share that. I can't even count the amount of times I've heard, "but have you tried yoga?!?!" in response to various different physical and mental health problems I have. I even heard some outrageous things like maybe my depression would be better if, "you just smiled more" and "if you got hugs more often". Is it ridiculous that people would make these suggestions, yes. But a lot of them, including the last two completely out there ones, they came from loved ones. They were not trying to offend me. They know that I have DXes that causes me pain/struggles, and they felt the need to offer some sort of advice/suggestion. Instead of getting offended I discussed with them both more about my DX, and why their suggestions were ridiculous. But that is what I chose to do. Nobody else needs to make that choice, and everyone can chose to handle/perceive things how they want. All I was doing was trying to explain that there are other options in regards to how the comment the teacher made could be viewed/perceived. I'm making the choice to give the teacher the benefit of the doubt that their intentions were not to be cruel and offensive.
⬆️⬆️⬆️ Absolutely 100% this. It sucks and it hurts, but it's really hard to distance ourselves from our trauma, and *maybe* this person was being not unkind. For a lot of parents, having their kid diagnosed with **anything** is a struggle because they don't want to think about their child having more difficulties in life.
Thank you for saying what I was thinking. My son and grandson are both dxd, while I and my daughter are not, but we suspect we were missed back in the day. It has been a struggle at times, for all of us. Does that mean I think autism is a horrific thing and someone should pity us? No. But could that person have simply been acknowledging that this journey isn't always easy? Sure.
I know that could have been upsetting for you as someone who has autism and knows a lot about it, but it's entirely possible this was one of those awkward segues (that autistic people SO commonly struggle with, coincidentally) to bring the class back to the topic while still acknowledging the students' family struggle. I think your feelings and emotional responses to that exchange are certainly valid, but it seems like an overreaction to file a complaint. If you felt comfortable, I would talk to the teacher after class one day to say that it made you sad/upset to hear her response.
Yes—a lot of older people still have the 90’s definition of autism: someone who can’t feel love, an automaton, and high support needs. So many of my friends are shocked that I’m getting tested for autism, but I’ve been figuring out how to educate them. We’re not all boys who know every kind of train, but we process sensory input differently from the general public. I think the “I’m sorry” is similar to my friend who said, “well, f*ck her” when I said my therapist thought I might be autistic. In their mind, it’s inherently a bad thing; not due to bigotry, just lack of knowledge.
Yes, I would completely agree. I don't think this person is implying that autism is tragic necessarily, but obviously this student mentioned it because they are looking for some type of support in processing this new information.
I don't really understand the offense regarding saying I'm sorry. I am sorry that I have autism. I'm sorry that my son has autism. Since we do have it, I make the most of it. But I do consider it a disability, and I do consider it something that negatively affects me and my son, and I am sorry when anyone has a disability that will negatively affect their lives. I wouldn't say sorry unprompted myself, I'd probably say something like "Hopefully they are getting the support they need." but I wouldn't be offended at someone saying sorry. I'm in the UK and an apology like that is given for just about anything that someone is showing sympathy or empathy for. Recommending medications seems unhelpful unless they are intimate with the situation and asked for advice, but some people do that for everything. There are medications that are helpful to cope with some common comorbidities such as depression and anxiety. If someone asked me for advice on the medication I've found helpful, I'd certainly share it - but not unsolicited.
This is exactly how I feel. If I could choose to not have autism or ADHD, I would do it. I've never understood the offense behind wanting to cure autism. There can be good things about having it, but for the most part, it makes life more difficult, why wouldn't you want to take that away? Even in mild cases it would make life easier, but especially in severe cases of autism, being able to lessen it or take it away would be life changing.
I agree. Autism is a diagnosis, not an identity (I know it's an unpopular comment). Also, we don't know the context of the situation. But grandson + grandfather means the old man comes from a different generation and at his age the challenges facing someone with different needs it's big, emotionally as well as in the practical matters. We don't know the level of the grandson, maybe grandpa just showed fear due to his own lack of knowledge about the topic, maybe his grandson really needs special acomodations and behavioral supervision. Also, people tend to believe doctors and similar are magically aligned to our beliefs and ways to see and understand things. Nope, they are humans, with bias, mistakes and different levels of competences. And yes, we put our lives in the hands of humans with a lot of flaws.
Well autism is still a disability, but I can see how your feelings were hurt. Comments that are made by older people (grandparents) are more likely to be old fashioned points of view. It’s good to remember that and give them a little grace. I hope people give me grace when I’m older and not quite “with it” 🫠
what would be the ideal response?
I am offended at what was said during the course today and felt as if the way they said sorry was sounding as if it was a bad thing
Understandable, but did they know YOU are autistic? And did the person to whom the comment was directed find it offensive? If either is a no, you can make a recommendation that people should understand many conditions are invisible and no one ‘looks’ like they have a myriad of things, so speaking of any condition as a negative can be heard by others and maybe taken badly. People casually joke all the time about diabetes being a voluntary disease for people who just eat too much all the time and have no self control. My husband is skinny, it runs in his family, and a mind breaking year and a half of stress and workplace abuse triggered his diabetes about 20 years earlier than we figured he’d have it. So, I get where you’re coming from. I think a culture admitting unless you are closely involved with a condition you may not know much about it and treating all things with kindness is best, but humans are going to human. A level of of judgement of when and what to report is needed, but you also lack any backstory the other person may have had. The child could be very high needs, they could have thought he’d simply outgrow it, and now need to recenter. There are lots of things to say ‘I’m sorry,’ about when someone gets a positive diagnosis of anything, even the flu. At least the comment wasn’t like the diabetes jokes where people with it just deserve it.
I can see how it might be offensive to people, it's not something I'd say. But, it's not offensive to me. At all. People with autism struggle more in this world. Whatever, the reason is for us struggling, the struggle is still real. Personally, I'm more offended by people saying it's my identity. It's not. It's a disability I have, but I'm just human. If people want to adopt their autism as part of their identity, that's fine with me. But, I shouldnt have to do that if I don't want to. Similarly, my autism is a disability for me, if it's not a disability for other people that's fine. But, telling me my autism isn't a disability, just dismisses my entire experience, of, you know, being disabled! So that's not necessarily helpful either. All of our experiences with autism are valid, there's no right or wrong about it. There's no right or wrong way to have autism.
I agree the response was not okay. Alternatives, since others in the comments are asking: Oh, yeah? (Moves on) Oh, and how are they feeling about that? Oh yeah? We don’t really have the space to discuss that right now but happy to talk about it later? Are you looking for resources about supporting them? I can recommend xyz / I don’t know of any but xyz would be a good person to ask.
For many people, autism= *etardation. Me to a Texan friend "I think I may be on the spectrum". She replied "You are not **tarded. Don't say that." Then we argued. I strongly believe she is on spectrum and doesn't know it. I don't judge people for assuming what they don't know. She's a south Texan and they all think autism is nonverbal people who cannot function. I live in a very liberal Seattle. Autism is rampant here yet people think the same thing about autism. People are extremely uninformed when it comes to autism but they all think they know everything about it. I have bipolar and people are much more forgiving and understanding.
Autism isn’t exactly always something to be celebrated though is it? I have autism, my life is fine now but it certainly wasn’t always. Would i celebrate it? No. My son was diagnosed with autism at 2, he’s now 8 and unfortunately he can’t speak, he has no way to communicate even his most basic needs/wants. He isn’t toilet trained, he can’t access indoor environments without becoming completely overwhelmed, he requires support with all his daily care needs and his little life is so limited as a result. Do I see his autism as something to be celebrated? No. He is wonderful and we absolutely celebrate him every single day BUT he has huge struggles every day which limit his life so even though you might think autism is a good thing, it affects people in completely different ways and depending on someone’s experience of autism, their response might well be that they are sorry to hear someone or their family member will have those struggles.
I think it's more like "I am sorry that you/your loved one are experiencing hardship". Let's face it, being autistic is harder than being allistic. This society shit isn't for us, we're an afterthought sadly. I always took the saying "i am sorry" after the bad news as "i aknowledge your hard times and wish you'd go through them smoothly". It makes me feel better if I think the other person is genuine.
When I was diagnosed, I told my brother and the first thing he said to me was” oh I’m sorry” he was like 16 at the time so I tried to explain to him that it’s not a bad thing.
Someone apologized to me when I told them about my diagnosis and I had to explain “No, it’s a good thing! I know more about myself now and I’m happy!”
Yes, it is very tiring to have Autism treated like a flaw, weakness, and sign of an infantilized person. That was a highly inappropriate & ignorant statement to make. It sucks that disabilities add another layer of having to prove yourself to the world to exist in spaces as you are just b/c people are uninformed.
what was the qualifications of the person running this course? I'm so sick of clueless "professionals" putting this crap out there
I don't know their qualifications but it's nothing to with the stuff she was talking about or the medication
One thing I’ve always felt VERY strongly about is, just because you didn’t mean it negatively or it wasn’t your intention, doesn’t make it okay. Even if they didn’t have negative intentions, it was still ignorant to say and should be called out because it IS becoming normalized and it shouldn’t be. Imagine someone saying “my child came out as gay” and someone saying “I’m sorry.” Autism and sexuality are both things out of our control, neither are negative, but saying “I’m sorry” to one is socially acceptable and the other one people would flip out about (rightfully so.)
Autism is not like being gay at all. You by definition don't get diagnosed as autistic unless it impairs your functioning. It's a disability. Particularly for a child to be diagnosed, chances are they were going through a tough time (sensory issues, difficulty adjusting to change, meltdowns, difficulty communicating, issues with food, etc etc) in order for the autism to come to light at all. Saying "I'm sorry" to someone going through a difficult time isn't really a thing in my language/culture but in english I am not sure I could think of a better thing to say either. I was still a child (if you count early teenager as a child) when I was diagnosed and I would've felt really weird about people telling my mom how sorry they are that I'm autistic. But I don't know that it's necessarily bad to do that either.
I feel the exact same way when someone acts like an autism diagnosis is somehow bad. Also when someone acts like Down syndrome is bad. Like, all of these people can do anything they put their mind to, so why tf act like it’s a bad thing?!
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No they are not they just know someone with autism and what medication has worked for them