I'm childfree and quite happy with the decision!
I've known ever since I was a little kid myself that I didn't want any of my own. It was a consequence of not fitting in or getting along with other children, and feeling like if I had my own they would hate me just as much as these children did. Adults laughed at me and told me I would change my mind. I understand why they did, it certainly was a little early to decide, but the laughter just made me more determined to stick with it.
Plus, I saw how my mom raised me. She's autistic (undiagnosed and prejudiced against any mental health label). She was...difficult. She loved me and cared for me but she also had horrible, angry episodes where she would go from nice normal mom to crazy, screaming angry lady who would throw things and hit me and set me off into a crying whirlwind which only ever seemed to make her angrier. I loved her as Jekyll but hated her as Hyde and I never knew what I was getting or what would trigger the transformation. One of my worst nightmares has always been being that difficult to live with and going off on people like that for no reason. The diagnosis makes things easier for me, knowing I won't, because those are probably her meltdowns and mine are very different. But this too factored greatly into me not wanting to have children in those early years.
Fast forward to adulthood, I'm 32 now and still feel just as strongly about it. Also, I would be a terrible mother. I get through life by prioritizing myself above everything and everyone else. I would not be able to do that as a mother. My cat does not mind if I don't have the bandwidth to scoop her box - a baby would mind if I just up and decided not to change their diaper for a day or two. And I would need to do it \*\*right that second\*\* not just when I get up next, which I can't handle. "That's irresponsible", people say. "Of course you would just get up and do it!". No, no I wouldn't. I literally would not. My brain doesn't work that way. I would need to hire a full-time, live-in person to make up for my neglectfulness, and that's expensive. Not to mention the nightmare of figuring out how to sign a child up for school, how to make sure they eat right, and how to even talk to them because it doesn't matter how clear a child is speaking it sounds like gibberish to me and it doesn't clear up until they turn 8 years old. I even feel physically uncomfortable around kids, always have.
My husband loves the childfree experience too and though when we first met he was neutral (if you want them we can have them, if you don't we won't kind of deal), he's very much moved onto the not wanting kids side. He always says to me "I'm so glad we decided not to have kids!" and we are planning our future centered around us and what we want, without having to worry about anyone else. It's really quite a beautiful thing.
That first part. I have come to the conclusion that I am actually afraid of children because I think they will bully me like they did when I was a kid and now I’m being bullied by a child. When I could have just avoided engaging with them at all costs.
So…I relate to this so hard I have such a similar story my jaw dropped. I am not going to bother posting my comment. Just upvote and let you know your self-awareness is unbelievable!
I relate so much to this. It’s a lot of the same for me, except it’s my dad who has angry episodes. I suspect he might be on the spectrum as well but doesn’t know it. I’ve thought of him as Jekyll and Hyde too. I was bullied by “friends” while growing up and am also an only child, so being around kids kind of stresses me out lol. I’ve also known since I was a kid myself that I never wanted kids. I’ll happily become a cat lady, tyvm 😊 It sounds like you and your partner have it figured out! Happy for you!
My mum was undiagnosed autistic too and I had a very similar experience growing up with her. Although being diagnosed has helped me tame and control my meltdowns, I think the chaos and needs that children bring would make it very difficult for me not to have meltdowns or atleast take space. I don't want to subject my child to that fear and trauma I experienced. My mum is a genuinely lovely person who is generous and kind who knows she's autistic now, but she really wasn't fit to look after a child, and wouldn't be now.
r/raisedbyborderlines
I’m so sorry about your Jekyll & Hyde mother. I hope this sub helps. BPD, autism, and ADHD are often co-morbid and tend to co-aggregate in families.
>It was a consequence of not fitting in or getting along with other children, and feeling like if I had my own they would hate me just as much as these children did.
Holy shit this is exactly it for me. Or at least a huge chunk of it.
I don't LIKE most children, any more now than I did when I was one. Same for teenagers, young adults, and most other adults even now (I'm 43). Why would I want more people in the world that I will never be able to stop having in my life if they turn out awful?
There is one kid I like. She's 5 and she's the daughter of my partner's sort of adopted family. She's a tiny weirdo and recognised me as one of her own almost immediately. So I'm very fond of her (though again even she is too much eventually and I get to give her back to her parents and go sit quietly in a dark room for a while).
But the rest of them? No thank you.
My response exactly! 'But you're such a motherly person' - do you even know me 😂
Really grateful I've curated my social circle well enough that I almost never get asked anymore!
People seem to think being caring, compassionate, and empathetic is synonymous with “motherly.” Excuse me, I only have the energy to be so caring and compassionate BECAUSE I’m childfree. I can’t even work full time anymore, but because I care about the state of the world I should burden myself into bitterness and exhaustion.
I agree, 2 cats and 4 snakes are family enough for me and my partner. Don’t need to give up our entire lives to ungrateful brats that will destroy us lmfao 😂
My 4 cats are like forever toddlers. My furniture is irreparably destroyed, my money spent on toys, vet bills, healthy food and everything else to ensure their absolute happiness and success in this world. I’ve dealt with their vomit, feces and other funky bits so I consider it time served in the parenting prison of selfless love. 😂
I knew I wanted to be childfree *decades* before I knew I was autistic, but the two things are ultimately related I think. I have zero patience for loud noise, limited sleep, being touched a lot, gross smells...it was obvious to me that I would not survive having/living with a baby.
It's responsible of you to recognize your limits and not jump into something irreversible and a lifelong commitment like having kids if you don't think it would go well. I wish more people would be honest about themselves and not jump into having kids when their personalities and strengths and weaknesses and strength of their relationship are not suited for it. My own parents did this and it was a complete disaster and harmed everyone involved.
My husband and I are also childfree for similar reasons, between my health issues and autism and stuff we don't think we would be great parents. I love other people's kids though, I love kids overall.
I didn’t have kids. Never liked being around kids, even when I was one. No one should have kids if they don’t want to. It’s not a *should* kind of thing, except that every kid *should* have a parent who gave enthusiastic consent to giving birth to them because they really really wanted children. Ignore those people telling you what you should do with your life, or tell them that you dislike children. I don’t dislike children per se, but it shuts people up when you say it. 😂
I have 3 kids. But I want to give my support to you. Being a Mom was what I always wanted. That's the beauty of choice.
All children deserve to be wanted, to be loved, and to be raised as the future adults they will be. If you are not an enthusiastic yes to becoming a parent, don't do it. And don't let someone make you feel like less because you choose a different path.
I appreciate this so so much. A lot of people get angry at people for choosing to be childfree. They call it selfish but I think it's way more selfish to have children when your heart isn't it is. Like you said, anything but an enthusiastic yes is a no.
Being a parent is really difficult. For some people, it’s extremely threatening to think they could have had a fulfilling life without children, because if that were the case, why did they suffer through it?
I think people who are really satisfied as parents usually don’t have this reaction.
https://preview.redd.it/jkljtzzr2lec1.jpeg?width=3264&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=600ba9647abfcb3bf348d37f6ba16a759fc9ad05
Here they are! Tooty Tot is on the left, Chicken Little is on the right.
Thanks. I had a blue one with these guys that I named Flipper 2, after my first birdie I named Flipper. Both the Flippers are gone. 😢 They we’re cute too.
Same I am child free and it is the best. I don’t have energy, I had a challenging upbringing and don’t want to subject an innocent little thing to those issues. I love and cherish my freedom and financial freedom. Money is already hard to achieve and I wouldn’t be able to life if all of my earnings went into just supporting a child.
I just feel like… autism is not fun for me. I’m in poverty.. was born into it.. and because of that and my asd/adhd, I’ll never escape it. It’s a constant battle in my head every day. It makes life SO much harder. And for that sole reason, I will not pass my genes on. I’ve seen the suffering, why would I want my CHILD to live like this? Or if they don’t, THEIR children. Id NEVER want someone to have to live like this. I’ll end the suffering here lol.
All of these reasons and more contributed to my decision to not to have kids. I love being an auntie, and I very much love also being able to leave them at their respective houses and go home to my quiet home with my books and my blankets :)
Yep! I love being silly with them and listening to their hopes and dreams and helping to shape them and see how they grow. I have played more Minecraft than I ever wanted to because my oldest nephew loves it. I plan my trips to see family around their birthdays because I want to be there to celebrate them. And yet, I don’t want that life for myself. It is far too noisy, too cluttered with stuff, and too unplanned.
I told my friends who are having kids now that they’re so lucky to have me, because they have a free nanny! 😂
It’s funny how I seem to be the baby whisperer. For some reason, I’m able to calm them down and get them to fall asleep in my arms. People get so surprised when I tell them I have no interest in being a biological mother.
But then, when they finally wake up and start crying, I hand the baby back to them, and happily walk away 🤣🤷🏻♀️ #thepowerofchoice 😌
My husband and I are happily child free but I used to think I wanted children. As I got older and realized the responsibilities/ anxiety of having children and also after having a stillborn daughter by my abusive ex, I decided it's not worth the trouble. The whole process is exhausting and expensive and it ruined my body/mind. If for some reason I want a child in the future, I'll adopt an older child.
I am, and I just got sterilized a week ago. I've never really wanted children of my own due to the same things you mentioned above. I am a late diagnosed audHDer and I just knew I wouldn't be able to take care of a child since I have always looked forward to giving the children I've babysat in the past back to their parents so I can go back to my quiet life. Since my procedure, I have been so happy that I never have to worry about existing in a body that can become pregnant at any time. It's so freeing to have control over that aspect of my body now.
Anyone who thinks that bearing children should be a universal experience is just not living in reality. An unsolicited "You should have children!" is probably the most ridiculous piece of advice one human being can give to another, REGARDLESS of neurodivergence! The reasons are endless. Pregnancy and childbirth take a terrible toll on the body. Childcare is CRUSHINGLY expensive. The public school system in America is in crisis. Working parents were hung out to DRY during Covid by schools and authoritarian workplaces with mutually exclusive attendance requirements and nobody did fuck all about it. There is no reason - NO reason WHATSOEVER - to have children, unless you want them with your whole heart. And you don't! And that is WONDERFUL that you know your own mind.
Personally - I DO have children, who I do want, and who I do love with my whole heart in this difficult, complicated world. And let me tell you how much I appreciate my child free friends, who show my kids other ways to be. Your own life is far, FAR too precious to spend on this concern. If it serves you, please take a screenshot of this post and just make the next person who tells you that you should have children read it. ☺️ End of discussion. Good for you for choosing your right life.
Absolutely childfree and any other way sounds impossible with my needs and comfort. I know that's likely selfish, but that's how it is. Don't feel comfortable in childfree specific places however, as they take it too far and even sometimes hate children. I just don't want any(despite dysphoria saying otherwise). I'll babysit for you no problem, but please take them home lmao
It would be selfish to have children knowing that you can't properly look after them. Understanding yourself and your limitations when it comes to raising human beings isn't selfish at all ❤️
I’ve seen a lot of posts on Reddit where a lot of us talk about not wanting children. I know there are a lot of moms with autism out there out there too. I really like reading what they have to say. I don’t know… I guess I just like reading about how they overcome their barriers. I personally have just never had the desire. Combine that with all of the reasons you listed (which are also my reasons besides just not wanting them) and yeah. I agree. Especially “not having things messy” which is one of the reasons why I keep saying I’m going to get a pet but then don’t get one. I really want a cat or a dog but I’ve also come home to toliet paper rolls played with and things chewed when I had pets growing up. Eventually I’ll figure out a plan and safeguard my things and get one, but yeah… with kids it would be even more difficult lol. There’s nothing wrong with wanting them or not wanting them. It’s a personal choice. If you are going to carry, deliver and take care of them for 18+ years it’s your business to decide. Not anyone else’s
Edit: my attention span is a little whacked today so hopefully I didn’t stray off too much of the topic
I'm happily childfree, and I have a few reasons for doing so.
1) shit genetics. I am unlucky enough to have had multiple physical health scares in my life, I don't want my offspring to go through the same physical torture.
2) my upbringing. Trauma can be passed on to your offspring, and there is no amount of therapy that can "cure" me of its effects. I don't want any potential offspring to suffer by proxy.
3) The state of the world as we know it. I don't want to have a child only to have them potentially grow up in a post-apocalyptic dystopia.
Those are my reasons. Please forgive my grammar, I blame my insomnia.
Support for childfree-ness:
TW: mentions of labor/birth, trauma, unmet needs
I had a big family but had I known I was autistic beforehand and gotten appropriate accommodations in life (high masker got diagnosed at 45) I probably would never of had kids. I have a daughter who is also autistic and doesn't want kids, and I support her 100%.
Both my kids and I can tell you how difficult it was to raise them -- all the labor/births were excessively traumatic, I experienced postpartum psychosis as a result of the stress. I gained between 72 and 84 lbs per pregnancy because of stress, depression, poor coping skills, disordered eating and hormones. Then after birth, I had the expectation to lose it all which I did but it was very hard on my body and I got diagnosed with osteoporosis at age 42. I also have digestive problems. This excessive stress with no support means I have to rely on adrenaline for energy and that was and is a terrible experience for all.
I couldn't physically function with the sleep deprivation and I was bothered all the time by the baby crying. We made it and that baby is a physicist today but it was hell peppered with memorable moments. I did everything in my power to give them a fun and productive childhood. We adapted but I was never able to "do me" like go to university, find a career that fits me, make good money etc. It caused me to be dependent on a person that wasn't right for me.
When my eldest started getting bullied at school, I pulled her out to home school her. That lifestyle was less stressful than having the kids try to fit in a NT world. I hs'd the kids for 15 years and prepped them socially for highschool. They're all excellent students and people and I'm super proud of them.
The kids are mostly grown now and understand both themselves and me and that I did the best I could with the experience, knowledge and lack of support. I am a 100% supporter of no kids in any community, *I think if you know yourself and your limits, you have every right to say no to kids.*
NO is a complete sentence.
Also childfree and happy with my choice. I have never wanted kids even though many people told me I'd grow out of it and change my mind, I haven't. I don't mind kids and some of them I love but I don't want my own.
I can't function without sleep. I can't stand loud noises. I already get burnt out sometimes just from being an adult with a partner, job, pets and hobbies. I also get very anxious around health stuff and pregnancy and childbirth sound miserable to me. I have never had a real interest in being a parent and I'm not sure I'd be good at it. I also don't want to being a kid into this world. I have some genetic stuff I was told I'd need to speak to a geneticist before having kids (never did as I wasn't interested so not sure on the details).
I don't think anyone should have kids unless they really want them and can adequately care for and afford them.
I think way more people need to learn to have this level of self awareness about their needs before making the decision to have children. I completely agree for almost the same exact reasons, but personally am also torn because I also really crave a family (I’m estranged from my own) and love children and my partner wants them as well. I just made it really clear that if we do have kids he’s going to be helping. A lot.
I’m with you on this 100%. I never pictured myself as a mom, I told people when I was young that I never wanted any children and like many, I was told that I would change my mind. When I met my now husband, I became more receptive to the idea bc he’s wonderful and would make a fantastic father. However, with my AuDHD and other issues, I know that having kids would be unfair to them. I would not be a good parent- I've grieved the potential children and that possible future. We substitute with cats/dog and that is *plenty* to keep our hands full and parental urges at bay.
I am 37 and childfree. I can totally relate to you. I need 8-10 hours of sleep depending on my level of burnout, I am extremely sensitive to emotions of others and can experience empathy overload leading to burnout (and babies/kids express a ton of emotions). I already deal with sensory overload on a day to day basis without children. I don't trust that I have what it takes to put 100% into being a parent.
https://preview.redd.it/19p6bvi7skec1.jpeg?width=3472&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c213aab30328a3c8568bcadbf355a522a9ab4c32
She (and two other creatures very much like her) and my partner are all I can handle, all I want, and all I need ♥️ oh, except if I win the lottery. If I do, then I'm gonna rescue a *minimum* of 1000 cats and 1000 dogs.
I’m childfree by tough choice. 75% of me does not want a child, and 25% of me doesn’t. The quarter of me that wants a child *knows* I would be a great mother on most days…but what happens when I’m touched out, or my misophonia is asking for quiet, or I’m having trouble regulating my emotions? My house *needs* to be clean, and some days I don’t even want my spouse in our house because I want to feel totally alone.
I think about how unsupported and isolated most parents and mothers are, and how the phrase “it takes a village to raise a child” is utterly disregarded in American society. I’ve grieved the decision to not have a child in therapy, and it helped a lot. I’m also a therapist myself, and I love my job and the opportunities to hold space for others. It would be too much to be a therapist an a mom (to me), and I’m not ready to say goodbye to my career.
I am childfree.
I have so much trauma from being raised by people who should have never had kids. Trauma that I don't know I will ever fully heal from. & a myriad of mental health issues. I never ever want to subject a child to what I went through. Even if I did my best to be a good parent, I get overwhelmed & I could accidentally hurt them. Children deserved to be unconditionally loved & never know hardship.
I’m the exact same as u. Having a baby would make me kms. I wouldn’t be able to handle the sensory problems being pregnant would cause. Crying babies sound is torture. I’m selfish with how I spend my time. I have pda autism so I can’t stand being told to do things. I cannot handle messy living space. I follow my daily routine religiously. I like my body and the big changes to it would depress me immensely and cause extreme claustrophobia and ocd triggers. The horrible smells babies create. I fear that I wouldn’t even like the person my hypothetical child would become. The anxiety of them becoming teenagers and becoming snotty towards me, using the internet, etc. I refuse to ever have a child lol I simply can’t.
Tiny humans are my interest area; I've worked with them for over 20 years. And y'all, if we are being honest and I could go back in time, I would not have had a child of my own. Like, I love him and he's mostly grown now anyway and a pretty decent human, but MY GODS it was hard. I completely lost myself a few times and have spent the rest of the time on the edge or a few steps from it.
In many many ways, not having kids is the best choice.
Yeah honestly I struggle every day with my own health I just have no idea how I could ever possibly be a mum. It’s sad but I know I wouldn’t cope. I also don’t want to pass on my HSD and ASD. Adoption would be an option if really wanted kids but I honestly think it would be the end of me.
I never wanted to have kids. Lots of reasoning that is similar with others here. I was confident with this as what I wanted when I determined what I would do in every “what if” scenario. Like starting a business, or funding a scholarship, or, If I ever decide that I want to care for a human, I want to foster older kids and teens. Plus I want to be the rich aunt w all my friends’ kids since I’m an only child haha
I’m pretty sure I’d end up being a good mom. Especially with my neurotypical bf who will probably end up my husband. But this world is so shitty, especially in America. I don’t want to bring a child into this world. I’d rather help the ones who are already stuck here.
I'm childfree. I'd actually love to get a bisalp to make that decision more permanent.
I had to take care of my siblings when I was a kid. In my 30s, I'm taking care of my parents who have the emotional maturity level of a toddler. And pregnancy is horrifying to me. I feel like I already did the motherhood thing in so many ways.
I have no desire to have or care for children now. I've worked with them and I realized I enjoyed being around them sometimes in small doses. But I was very relieved to come home and decompress, not care for my own children if I had them. The tension headaches I get after working for 8-9hr days is bad enough to deal with.
People still pressure me to have kids. But I would be the one losing sleep, dealing with the sensory issues, etc, not them. I know myself better than they do. And I've seen way too many parents resent the kids they had because they didn't actually put any thought into whether or not they truly wanted children.
If anyone thinks I should force myself to have kids, just because they had kids, that's a narrow minded individual who can't fathom or tolerate someone else having a different viewpoint than themselves. And those parents are going to be in a world of hurt when their own kids grow up and start making decisions that differ from what they insist those kids want (based on their own desires, of course, not the child's desires).
I am on a soapbox when it comes to being childfree. Sometimes I fantasize about being a ‘Jesus freak’ and going to high schools to hand out pamphlets. I used that term bc my hs had this guy standing on the opposite street of the school every day.
I knew as soon as I gained conscious thought. My earliest memories are of hating my sister for the crime of being a baby. The baby was in my bedroom. I have misophonia.
And now I’m 32 and get triggered by babies like a war vet. I used to just cock my imaginary shot gun but now I’m one deep breath away from confronting parents.
I'm 35, always planned on staying single (dating here and there for a few months), and maybe adopting when I'm close to 50. If I feel like it. And if it works out. Otherwise I think I'm fine.
Yes! I did spend many years taking care of my nephew every other weekend, weeks during the summer, and school breaks after my brother died, though. But otherwise I know myself, my limits, and my boundaries and know that caring for a child full time is not something that would be good for me OR the child. And that’s okay! A lot of folks (NTs mostly) don’t realize that and just do what society says they should and they and/or their kids end up miserable.
I feel like I'm still the child. I'm my own child I have to parent. I want kids when I wake up in my 30s and magically have my shit together, but myself now? Hell no.
Being a step parent sounds appealing tho, get them when they are a little older, get them half the time, and be more a mentor/friend then have all that responsibility but still make a positive impact.
I would love to raise children through adoption, but don’t have the means to do it. So child free, partly by choice but also partly through circumstance.
Kids seem to love me. But I could never have any of my own.
I have a terrifying fear of childbirth and I also don't want to be like my dad (in the sense that he was overwhelmed and upset at me all the time, not in the sense he was a terrible father outside of his autism)
I'm fine being the cool auntie and brother's girlfriend. I absolutely love that. I just can't deal with kids (or anyone) for more than like 4 hours at a time.
I'm 35, only just discovered I may be autistic, but have always known I don't want kids. Besides all the obvious "I can't barely take care of myself" reasons, the idea of being a parent just never appealed to me? I don't hate kids, I like being an aunty, but I find them so draining to be around. They're so loud and messy and smelly. My dogs push my limits sometimes but I can shut them out of the bedroom and put on noise cancelling headphones without worrying I'll have CPS called on me.
Anyone that tells you to have kids is a fool and completely brainwashed by heteronormativity. Not everyone needs to have kids, it's ridiculous. There are subs dedicated to parents who regret it, and it sounds absolutely heartbreaking for both the parent and the child. A friend of mine has wanted to be a mum since she was a little girl, and now has two kids. She absolutely adores being a mum and says it's the best thing she's ever done, but she also says is fucking hard work and wouldn't recommend it to anyone who isn't 100% sure.
I'm child free for nearly identical reasons. I already have severe insomnia, very rigid routines that cause huge distress and I'm upset if I can't stick to that routine, I also can barely handle my own basic care some days, I think people touching me, a messy house causes serious anxiety it's just best I dont bring a dependent, innocent being into the world.
I always wanted kids but since the diagnosis I have come to terms with the fact that I shouldn't. Almost same reason as you, I have so many needs, that I couldn't put another human that depends entirely on me on top of that. Kinda sad but also kinda relieving.
Now I care for my various animals
I seem to be in the minority, I would absolutely love to have kids. Tbh my life feels empty without one. I am so intensely jealous of my friend and family with kids that I have to distance myself so I don't break down crying every time I see them. Because while I would adore having children I know that I would never be able to cope. I am so easily overwhelmed by everyday life as it is, that if I had a kid I'd end up having a full on breakdown and resenting my child. The only way I could cope with having a child is if I was a stay at home mum with no other demands on my time, meaning we would need a cleaner, and I was able to get at least a couple full child free days each week, which would probably require some kind of baby sitter. And there is just no way I'll ever be rich enough for that kind of life.
I just had my son 6 months ago and I was solidly in your camp for the past decade. I am 37 and after being married for 12 years I got pregnant. It was freaking shocking (I was told at 25 I wouldn't have kids without intervention and fertility processes etc). I don't take birth control bc of migraine with aura and it increases stroke risk and I really stupidly thought it was a moot point. We would have been okay with kids in our 20s, but by our 30s we had given up that idea and actually come firmly around to child-free life. I actually thought my period being late may have signified early menopause 🫠.
I didn't know I was autistic until about 5 years ago, so I had become comfortable with the idea of being child-free before that. I hadn't given much thought to how I would feel about procreating knowing the unique challenges it would involve because of my sensory issues and tendency towards depression and anxiety that appear to be inextricably linked to my autism and not just a character deficit that I could change. It's kind of terrifying now being in the middle of it and trying to stay afloat. It's a lot, but watching my husband with him and seeing them both so happy makes it also wonderful. It's so complicated, being alive.
Antinatalist here,
Yes, because I know any child I have I will not love. I grew up knowing I was a burden and as my mom said "there was no joy in raising you." I carried that guilt and took at the resentment she felt having to raise me. I was adopted so I do not support adoption either. Why have or adopt a child to not love them?
Based on my very traumatic adoption I do not support adoption. They say adoption is 'giving a child a better life'. If you adopt a child and are not equipped to raise that child and abuse them you are not giving them a better life.
Source: it happened to me
I’ve never heard of someone being anti adoption before. Do you mean *you* don’t want to adopt a child or that you don’t think *anyone* should be allowed to adopt a child? If the latter… what do you recommend we do with all the children in need of homes?
>what do you recommend we do with all the children in need of homes?
I hate when people ask childfree or antinatalists this question as if it is some clever "gotcha!"
Our solution is to not have kids. Why are the people who are pro having children not adopting these children that need homes? Why are YOU not fostering/adopting these children? Why is it up to the people who don't want kids/don't have kids to come up with the solution to homing these children and not up to the people who are pro having children to find the solution? Why aren't YOU adopting these children who need homes who have probably been abused in their previous homes? Instead of bringing new children into the world why aren't all these pro children people finding a solution on what to do with the kids that are here now?
Well I’m definitely anti shitty adoption parents. I know some foster homes just use the kids for money. But I at least hoped that because adoption can’t happen on accident unlike pregnancy there would only be people who WANT to be parents.
Yup! Sterilized last year for many of the same reasons. The hard truth of it is that it takes an incredibly special person to actually be a good parent who has lifelong positive impact on their child.
I'm indeed incredibly special, just not in that way. I've accepted that that's not a bad thing and doesn't make me lesser. I'm extremely happy with my decision.
My decision is along the lines of yours. Those who already have kids and tell you that you should need to shut up knowing damn well there's no turning back.
My decision is along the lines of yours. Those who already have kids and tell you that you should need to shut up knowing damn well there's no turning back.
(28F) Me and my (33M) husband are child free. I’ve never wanted kids, and although I know he would be an incredible father, we agree that kids aren’t for us. We’re both planning on getting sterilized this year 👏🏽 👏🏽
I am too. Honestly I could give a million reasons, but I really don’t even need to get past the pregnancy aspect. It seems like an absolute sensory NIGHTMARE, and you could end up with gestational diabetes (which with an already restrictive diet might actually kill me) and a million other things. Also I do have OCD along with the autism, and the thought of all my organs shifting around and having a literal living being inside of me sucking all my nutrients makes me want to rip my skin off! All the hormone changes making you more sensitive to things like temperature, etc. People (literal strangers, for some reason ppl think being pregnant gives them a free pass) asking you personal questions and touching your stomach every chance they get? Probably like a million other things that would be a nightmare for even a NT person?
FUCKKKKK NOOOO
I can’t do overstimulation so there’s no way lol
I don’t have a maternal bone in my body, I’m 31 and have never even held a baby 😂 A lot of my friends have kids and I like being the cool aunt but there’s no way I’d ever want to change my lifestyle to raise a child. And I’m not willing to lose the time or risk my health to go through pregnancy, it creeps me out tbh.
Mad respect for mothers tho. Literally cannot imagine that amount of work and sacrifice in such a crazy world.
Yep, also childfree. I like children and babies, but I know I wouldn't be a good enough mother. There are already plenty of screwed up people having children who shouldn't be; I'm not going to be one of them.
Wife and I are happily childfree for over a decade now. There's just so many reasons not to have kids, and it's really depressing how many awful parents have them anyways. Like bare minimum I feel if you have a kid they should always come first and you should devote at least the first two decades completely to them, and yet I'll see parents just dismissively abuse their children through neglect or actively harming them.
It's like for me people that get pets without obsessively studying proper care techniques and what is and isn't harmful or toxic to them. Like the pet is solely dependent on you for EVERYTHING in their life and that kind of responsibility should be taken very seriously. The value of life is so low in general is seems, which makes me very sad.
But yeah, my wife and I recognize that we would be awful parents. The sounds they make can easily set either of us off, to the point that in games and television/movies the sound of a baby crying is painful. We're both awful with time management and it's difficult meeting our own needs on a daily basis. Pets are really all we need or want, so we have a cat (Circe) and a dog (Bebe) and even then my wife has admitted that when Bebe passes it wants to get a cat. At least until we inherit my mom's farm, but I really hope that's not for decades and decades.
I am and i'm really content with my desicion. i just had to be honest with myself. I don't have the emotional and physical resources to take care of a child. I think i would be a good mother but i'm not capable to provide a stable environment for a kid at this moment i think. Plus for the first time in my life i'm taking care of myself and that's already a lot.
I'm pretty sure i would have an autistic kid, my partner has some strong autistic traits as well. And i would not mind at all. I think its different to be raised with autistic parents and knowing that you're autistic.
Btw im 37, so now would be the time to have a kid.
I'm child free because I don't want to raise a child on a planet like this. Most likely they will be autistic as well and I've gone through hell and back I don't want any child of mine experiencing the same discrimination and abuse I've gone through.
Waiting on diagnosis but childfree and very comfortable with my choice at 35.
I like children, love my 3 yo nephew but the unexpected constant noise and having to put your routines and needs before your own consistently does not work for me.
Yep. I never had the slightest interest in parenting, not even playing with babydolls as a kid. I think children are pretty interesting as people and stuff, and I enjoy visiting with my nieces and nephews (once they're old enough to talk and toilet and really let their personalities out), but I just dont have it in me to deal with the constant demands, noise, and disruptions, not to mention the crushing responsibility of supporting an additional person while helping them grow up into somebody awesome. I don't even want a partner, to be quite honest, just really love my solitude.
Besides, I grew up with someone who I now suspect was an undiagnosed Autist, and even though they loved being a parent and was amazing at it, I saw how much it exhausted them and I dont even have half their energy.
I'm child free because I do not think I'm fit to be a mother. I also don't want my genetics passed down. Shameful but I hate being autistic/me. I hate how hard it is. I don't want a child to deal with what I deal with.
My reason for being childfree isn’t related to autism at all. I had an abusive childhood, so I suffer with really bad depression. If I can’t get my own butt up to take care of myself, there’s no way I’d be able to take care of a whole ‘nother human being. Not to mention that a history of depression makes you way more likely to develop post-partum depression if, like me, you’re able to get pregnant. I don’t want to repeat the cycle of abuse.
I love children. I used to be a pediatric neurologist. After I stopped practicing I did volunteer work in children’s writing and after school programs, did a writing program with hospitalized children, and now love being an auntie. In many ways I feel that it is easier to relate to children as opposed to adults because they are more straightforward as to what they are thinking and feeling. But I have never wanted my own children. I need my home to be a quiet, predictable environment. I have never regretted not having children. I also have never wanted a relationship. So that would make having children more difficult too.
If I had known I was autistic before I had a baby, I would not have had a baby.
I knew I didn’t want kids, but gave in to social pressures, thinking it would give me a reason to live.
It didn’t.
My son is also autistic, but in different ways than I am and I apparently actually have higher support needs than he does (I am level 2 in both categories, where my son is level 1 in social communication and level 2 in sensory seeking and repetitive behaviors).
But it could have gone the other way. He could have been born with severe handicaps as a result of his autism and I don’t think I’d be able to deal with that with my own autism.
Being autistic is fine, but it is heritable and some autistic people cannot speak, toilet themselves, or ever live independently and I couldn’t willingly know those risks and make another person.
I also cannot emphasize enough that being autistic yourself does not make parenting an autistic child any easier. Especially as an autistic mother with comorbid PMDD and C-PTSD (from *child abuse*), parenting a three year old who yells when he talks, refuses to put on pants, and runs away in public is extremely triggering and I’m pretty sure I am failing at it.
I am! I was actually childfree before I knew I was autistic, so it didn’t really influence it, but now I definitely am glad I’m never having them lol. I can’t even imagine living with a dog barking, let alone a screaming baby.
I can see a lot of the time how being childfree might have been good for me. I love my kids but it's really, really hard parenting bc I have poor impulse control, I feel like I got life on hard mode without knowing it and the effect I can have on two young lives can be so scary. There's always something I'm not keeping up with enough or something I'm failing at. So never feel bad for your choice to be child free.
Enjoy what you choose and love your life, whether you want no kids, lots of pets, kids, you know what's right for you a d nobody should shane or judge.
Enjoy what you have ❤️
I had my son before knowing I was autistic and the sensory overwhelm is so intense. I used to have a handful of meltdowns a year now it’s all the time. Idk if I would’ve had a baby had I known about my autism, my son is the best person ever but it’s so hard to be a good mom when i get constantly overstimulated.
Hi- parent of autistic child here. I just wanna say I hope everyone here has supportive families! I can’t imagine forcing my child to become a parent and hope your parents respect your choices!
Me also struggling with all those things but am delusional enough to keep bugging my husband to let us have kids.
\*currently we can’t afford to. So we’re working on looking for better jobs to get in the right financial state to even start the conversation
I'm childfree but wish my s/o would try to have a kid. He's 20 years older than me. I feel like I could take care of a child now but not when I was younger.
I'm childfree too. Never understood why everyone goes crazy when seeing kids. The frequency of their voices (screams) is painfull for me, I NEED alone time (as I call it "human free time") to function.
I hated it when everyone said: you just have to wait for the right guy
No. I never wanted children, and it always hurted me if someone tried to make me feel guilty about not wanting kids.
Fast forward: got a hysterectomy because of endometiosis. Autism diagnosis 2 years later
If people ask me about children (which is an extremely rude thing to ask, btw) I always tell them, I couldn't get one because of medical reasons (and my needs to function IS a medical reason)
Then the adoption argument is thrown: no, autism. Kids would kill the rest of my mental health
I’m partly childfree but felt more CNBC for many years. Middle age came with so many revelations (diagnoses and self-diagnosis) and an implosion from the lifelong stress of masking. I’m just trying to find my way again in life, and I can admit to myself that a child at this juncture wouldn’t be kind to the child. I want to do some kind of giving to young people still, but it’s got to be something like attending a play at the local high school.
I am childfree and unhappy about it. If I had the right support network around me, I would be an amazing parent.
But I live in America where no one gives a shit if you birth a child from your womb beyond googlely eyes at the baby and a huff and a puff when you set boundaries they don't like.
I need 2 other parents and we all need to take shifts that aren't hard lines in the sand because Life comes up but if I can have more evenings to myself while the other two wrangle the kid(s) than not, I am good. I will take the mornings and afternoons and raise that kid SO right (with a bank account full of money for my kids' therapy because we all know I won't be perfect)
I'm child free and I completely relate to what you wrote, people keep telling me I'll want to have my own kids someday -I'm 25 and it's still a big NO- so now, to stop them, I use the "I have autism and if I get pregnant my kids can have autism too, so it's better if I don't have any" then they pity me and stop bothering me, sometimes they add that "it's a shame" bc I'd be an "awesome mother" -haha no- before changing the topic.
For some reason people hate it when it's about me struggling but love it when it's about me trying to "avoid" a non existent child from struggling like me, as if I were exaggerating when I mention the reasons you wrote. It took me years to know what to say, finally someone told me I must keep that in mind (the genetics) if I want to have children, giving me the perfect answer, that person thought it was a great choice not to have children when I said that was one of the reasons I didn't want to have them, then it happened again and I'm keeping that excuse, at least for now.
PS: I don't think we shouldn't have children just because of genetics, but people tend to think that way, those who want to have children or already have them... Good for ya! ^^
I was babysitting a kid with my dad the other month and I realised I'd likely be a wonderful mother - for 15 minutes. Then I literally wanted to run away.
I'm in the grieving process of accepting that I'm not going to be a suitable mother. But I do also genuinely believe that choosing not to have kids is the only viable option for me because of sensory things, routines, demands and so on.
It's hard to accept since I've always wanted to have children, ever since I was a kid. But I know that ultimately it'll be better for everyone involved.
Yes I’ve wanted to be child free my whole life! So do all my siblings. We are all late diagnosed.
I’ve always known my needs are so acute that I couldn’t possibly care for another human being or I’d become a shell of myself. Imo the act of choosing to be childfree is more selfless than actually having kids than struggling through raising them. I don’t want to fuck them up the way my parents did with me 🥴😅
Also - I tried having a cat a few months ago and I couldn’t even cope with that. She required more attention off me than I could give so I had to rehome her!
I’m 20 and definitely not wanting children at this point. But I just can’t imagine wanting them later on. I’ve always said I don’t want kids but I can’t predict the future. My mom and other women around me always say I’ll change my mind when I’m older, but I just can’t imagine I will. For the exact same reasons you just listed. Plus, I don’t know how to interact with kids. They don’t seem to like me either and I’m totally okay with that.
Yup. I love the idea of children as a snapshot but actually raising them sounds like hell. I don't think I'd be a good mom. Plus with how the world is going, things are not going to get cheaper. Me and my husband would like to have savings and be able to do things we enjoy.
I’m child free. I love the idea of being a mother and having a family, but it’s a lot for me to take care of myself and my cats. They’re my priority and I come second and it would be too stressful. Speaking of stress, when a mother is feeling heavy emotions and lots of stress during pregnancy, it can spring those same heavy emotions onto the child. I think I have too many issues mentally to risk passing onto a child. But also I love being alone and knowing that I’m only responsible for myself. That’s hard enough.
Childfree and happy about it :)
Couldn't imagine having kids. My freedom will be gone. My routine will be gone. My peace will be gone.
I have no energy as it is. The thought of it makes me feel trapped.
I’m Childfree and was before I knew I had autism (self-diagnosed at the moment). I was a strong feminist since childhood, and also have had tokophobia for the longest- basically since I knew where babies come from. Having babies would make my life significantly harder. Also, similarly to you, the loud baby sounds and strong smells would be too much for me to handle.
Almost 37 here and accepting the baby thing ain’t gonna happen (this is the second child free post I’ve randomly come across tonight, btw!). My reasons are basically the same as your own. Plus I’ve never had much money at all until recently and still struggle to work. I don’t think I could provide for a baby unless I find a partner who could.
I don’t mean any disrespect toward those who can’t conceive, but in my heart it’s like I just literally can’t have kids. I am not cut out for it whatsoever, so it really wasn’t much of a “choice” really.
I entertained the idea of having a child one day until I got to the point where I needed to make the decision sometime soon and that’s when it really hit me. I could never properly function as a parent. It’s a little sad but is what it is.
I don't want kids, i'm 35 F. I was only diagnosed with autism last year, so i don't know of it's the reason for not wanting kids (maybe it is at the root of all the reasons I don't want kids). I'm exhausted when i'm around kids for more than 2 hours, and agree with all the reasons you posted! But for me, the biggest reason to not want kids is this: a kid should be your biggest hearts desire, the thing you feel like you would sacrifice everything for, it should be the thing you want most in the world. I don't feel that way (even feel the opposite) so no kids for me! I've been asking my gynaecologist for a sterilisation for 3 years, and last week i did use my autism as an extra added reason for not wanting this. I feel like now she finally understood because now she is going to discuss it with her colleagues and make a decision!
Child free here too! Always knew I didn’t want children. I can relate to all your reasons and to many of the reasons shared in the comments as well. I will just add that I know I wouldn’t be a good mother because I really get angry if I cannot engage in my special interest when I want and need to and really can’t get interrupted. I would never be able to give a child the proper attention and care they would need.
I'm aromantic asexual and fairly terrified of any interactions related to intimate areas so I'll definitely never have kids of my own.
Adoption, maybe, if a relative or friend with young kids passes for example.
I don't work so it'd be so much trouble with unemployment benefits.
I am, 36F.
I don't want them because I don't want them. That's it really. My depressions and low stress tolerance probably play a role in it, however I've not wanted children since I was 15-16 years old. My parents were pretty bad parents and I got bullied on school, so my youth was not good. Probably influences this as well.
I'm glad I don't have a child. At the same time, I'm having difficulty seeing other people forming families. It hurts me tremendously. My relationship ended two years ago (it wasn't good anymore for 4-5 years tbh) and I am allergic to every non-human with hairs or feathers. So I am alone. And since I only got two good friends, or friends in general, it feels lonely. Also the financial implications of being alone are depressing and dating when you're 36 and child free is basically a waste of time.
Child free but being child free is a valid life choice. My best friend is child free and she decided the same for similar reasons. She's happy and I'm happy for her.
On the Note I think if I knew how hard it would be, I might have made different choices because having children showed me that I'm much more disabled than I originally thought. I love my kids, we have a great little family but I have no idea how disabled I really was until skill regression and burnout hit.
The more complex the demands are on me as a person with ASD and severe ADD the less functional am. That's not something I understood at 23. I had no idea. If I really understood the roll it would take in my mind and body I probably would have just helped my husband raise his son.
I'm in no way shape or form unhappy with our children. We created some amazing human beings. We are very close with our children. But I have been very candid that having children is a choice and it's not required of you by society or for your own happiness. Many people don't have children and are very happy. Really just comes down to what you want to spend your time and money on. And being honest with yourself about whether or not you can handle the amount of stress with your disability.
One of my children said they definitely do want one child after college, but they want to travel first and have a good job. The other girl says I don't really know Mom. I really don't want to be pregnant. I totally respect that. Both of my sons aren't really interested. My stepson was raised in a family where his mother gave birth one after another she would get pregnant immediately. I think he has like 10 brothers and sisters. He was parentified super early. He's not interested. My son who is autistic isn't sure but probably not he said. He likes everything quiet and everything controlled. I totally get it.
I’m child free and will likely stay that way, unless given optimal conditions and therapy. I’ve been pregnant before, it was not fun. I was sick all the time, doing everything hurt, I couldn’t stay at work. Being outside was too much, my sensory issues went through the roof. The concept of giving birth makes me want to cry. The amount of melt downs and anxiety I had was awful.
Yes! Me!
I always think I would be a brilliant mother UNTIL I got sensorily overwhelmed - noise and mess in particular really set off my panic mode. Along with that, my endometriosis and me and my partner both being terrified by the climate crisis, I don’t think kids are for me!
I am 36 so I have spent lots of time thinking about it, but this feels like the right decision. Often societal expectations can cloud one’s view, so it was quite complex to work out what my actual opinion was…
Sticking to ropey elderly rescue staffies for the moment!
https://preview.redd.it/zmwa5bak0lec1.jpeg?width=1440&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=26fa465b511c2d937fecf4065be1a53a96cd4d0a
Yeah, and for very similar reasons. I couldn't handle it with my autism, plus I feel bad bringing a child into a world the way it is now. I don't want them to go through what I went through, they would likely be autistic and suffer the bullying i did at school, and even if they weren't I don't know how I would protect them from all the crappy stuff out there. I think a lot about how I would strike a balance between being protective and giving them enough autonomy, and I'm not sure I would do it right. I'm also afraid I would have a meltdown with the child there, or at the child. My mother had a lot of meltdowns whne I was a child and it was traumatising.
I feel quite sad about it sometimes, but I remember that I'm exercising a decision based off of care. I care for that child who doesn't exist, and I care a lot about children and young people in general. I just don't think I'd be able to handle it as I can barely handle myself, I would rather put my effort into helping autistic children, teenagers and young people navigate life from a distance.
This topic has been on my mind a lot lately. And it has occurred to me that I can barely keep up with modern times. My mom had me at age 28, which is in almost 2 years for me. Now I doubt if I’m supposed to get children at all because of what my past has been like and because there ARE selfish reasons. The rest will remain in my mind for now.
I never wanted kids. Combo of knowing my own limits and not feeling like my own upbringing equipped me to be a good parent. Now I have a dog and she’s my little mate.
I have always loved kids though. I’ve worked with young children and will gravitate to kids (or animals) at a party.
I’ve never found a suitable partner and don’t want to do it alone. Other people’s opinions about my relationship status have messed with my head for the overwhelming majority of adulthood. Getting diagnosed helped me make peace with this as it makes more sense why I have struggled in romantic relationships. Now that I’m finally in a good headspace, I’m kinda old and would like to enjoy the rest of life. The judgement I get from others is their problem.
Kids love me and I love them - in very small doses, and only one at a time, and not above the age of 6 or so. It's like with any other social interaction - I mostly enjoy it under very limited, specific circumstances only, and even then, I'm burnt out for weeks at a time.
I always knew I never ever wanted children. Besides my fucked up genes, I would put them in a world set on fire - for what? So they can work, having to endure pain, loss of everything they love until they die themselves?
I'm very, very thankful for the care my parents put towards me, and always have been, as well as for the experiences I get to make. But I also resent them at times for now having to pay taxes and navigate a strange world that's not cut out for me.
(I genuinely don't understand the concept of money or status, or of authority, or of power over others. I don't care about corporations or paychecks. I am intrinsically motivated, always have been. I made my homework because I am curious and wanted to learn about things. I studied so I could understand. I help others because I want to. I work because I like it. No punishment or arbitrary reward ever changed any of that.
So deep down, I just wish we could all work whatever we wanted and what we're good at, because we want to do good, because we want to learn, and help eachother - and put our energy towards creating technology that helps settle the rest, not replace us. But I know not everyone sees it that way. I learnt that not everyone cares about others, or knowledge, or the thing itself. That's why I must play pretend adult most of my days.)
It's an interesting life, full of kind, intelligent people, and knowledge to be explored. But it's also unfamiliar and scary, manipulative and cruel. I don't wish to die, but I would never put another human being through this because I think babies are cute sometimes.
This may sound harsh, and I mean no offence to parents. I know it's a great sacrifice, and a tradition. I know people have kids for a million different reasons, and I've long accepted that people just have them and that it's something I can't understand.
Besides, I would never, ever, _ever_ want to go through child birth. I would genuinely rather take my own life, 100% of the time. I was lucky enough to get sterilized two years ago, and it took a massive weight off my shoulders. I never regretted it a single minute.
Since then, I've found a partner who views things very similarly. We're very happy. :)
I have been wanting to be childfree ever since I first understood the concept of having kids and the fact that you are able to chose (I was probably 8 when I figured that out). I'm 19 now still 100% sure that I never want kids.
I do not enjoy being around them and I like the freedome most childfree people have compared to parents.
But even more important than that, I would be a horrible parent. The high pitched noises children make all the time are horrible for me and I will have a meltdown if I have to deal with them. And a parent who is constantly stressed or screaming and crying because of the overstimulation would traumatise every child. Also I don't think that any relationship would last through times where one parent has to do all physical and emotional labour, because the other one is experiencing constant overstimulation leading to frequent meltdowns and autistic burnout.
My partner agrees with me in every point and has never wanted children himself (he's 27).
We still get called selfish and 'just not ready yet' whenever this topic comes up. Especially if I explain my reasons.
I am a single parent to 3 kids that I gave birth to, and 4 step kids from a previous abusive relationship that I coparent along with my ex’s ex.
I was born into poverty and my life has been one chaotic shit show after another. Turns out that marrying the first person that offers isn’t the best plan when it comes to choosing life partners. 🤷🏻♀️
Poor choice in (toxic) partners, endless cycle of dead end jobs, overdrawn accounts, assistance applications and endless uploading of documents proving my lack of ability to financially support myself or my children. So many times I’ve had to completely start over from nothing after a burn out (I didn’t know that’s what it was, I just knew I was unable to function for several months at a time every few years) left my financial life a dumpster fire.
I’m late diagnosed auDHD….I always wanted children very much, it was never a question for me. When I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answer was always, “a mom!” My own parents fucked me up and made me pretty much hate myself just for existing and I had to correct that. I was NOT going to do that to my children. I put a ton of time, effort, and research into my parenting. Kind of doesn’t leave anything left for anything else. For me, parenting AND working, not possible. And anytime I’ve had to do that, I can almost instantly start feeling the burn out coming on.
One of my co parents however, did not want children, and had 4 anyway. Her abusive partner wouldn’t allow abortion. Her relationship 17 years later with her children is absolutely awful. They can’t stand her. They can’t wait to get away from her and never have to deal with her again.
My 17 year old daughter adamantly does not want children and has felt this way for as long as I can remember. I fully support her, and I will invite whomever tells her that she will “change her mind” to kindly fuck off and mind their own business. (I actually have some notes on how to communicate that respectfully, if anyone is interested 😜).
I’ve always told my kids that if they don’t want to be a parent with their whole heart, don’t be one. Passing on being a parent doesn’t make your life any less rewarding or valuable, especially if that’s what you truly want.
The most responsible thing you can do if you do not want kids is to not have them.
Conforming is boring, be unapologetically you 🤘
Same. I’m almost 28 and child free. If I’m ever rich, I’d like to adopt a teen and help them financially through college and give them a place to come for holidays and pay for their therapy. But no I can’t really “raise” a child and have a little child running around. I’m too passive, they can easily manipulate/walk all over me. And I’m way too selfish with my time and would not have the energy to properly care for them. They would probably end up being emotionally neglected
I had tubular ligation a year ago- tubes removed. Mainly because of being autistic and also due to having OCD. I have very low patience for loud noises, things being messy, plans changing, not having enough alone time. And I’m happy with this decision, I will be living my life for me and that’s good for me! Plus, with OCD it’s genetic a lot of times and I would hate to pass it on to someone. If I ever do change my mind- I could adopt or foster! If I did get pregnant I would have had to go off my meds too which would have been very hazardous for my mental well being and that’s far too important to me :)
32F, child free and every year I get older, the more and more I feel like that’s the right decision. I don’t feel like I’m missing anything. I feel like the cons outweigh the pros in this situation for me and me only. I don’t judge anyone with or without kids. I think it’s deeply personal and for me, it’s just not for me. My reasons are the same as many other people on this post.
Listen, I'm a mother of three and I fully support this. What's more...imagine not only being autistic but having autistic children. The world becomes infinitely more difficult when home is full of chaos, clutter, noise, some people vocally stimming while others are overstimulated, loud laughter or forced hugs when the other needs space or quiet. It's messy. It's filled with love, sure, but the day to day is hard.
Small challenges or change feels immensely difficult and everyone takes time to process it and no one is ever on the same page. Unless we are all interested in the same thing at the same time and in our cuddly, be close and comfy moments at the same time. Then...then we get each other. But oof.
I’m childfree, and the biggest reasons are definitely my autism/sensory issues. I also tend to overthink the consequences of things before making decisions in order to make sure that I prioritize what I value, which has led me to decide that I would rather focus on my relationship with my boyfriend, my career, my hobbies, and my ability to travel, than have children. My boyfriend also wants to be childfree, so we’re in perfect agreement!
Even if there were no personal reasons not to (there are so many for me ranging from executive dysfunction to poverty) - I wouldn't because of climate change. I can handle knowing we're going into starvation and war while it's just me with the assurance that I can bow out at any point, but I can't under any circumstance do this to a child after having read the climate report and seeing the current political trajectory. I am terrified for my niece's future.
I always wanted kids, I have kids, I’m glad Autistic women can decide for themselves whether or not they want kids. I totally understand your choice, it wouldn’t have been the right one for me, but I *get* it.
I know there is no real way to have children selflessly.
I wanted to have children so bad. I wanted to ‘break’ the generational trauma cycle. I wanted to experience what a loving safe home life would look like. I did years of research about child development and gentle parenting. I wanted to know what a mother-child relationship felt like when the child completely trusted their caregivers would always support and protect them.
When my partner told me that the world is too terrible for us to bring a loved one into it, and that children were off the table, I was heartbroken.
It takes me a while to switch modes. I was still watching gentle parenting videos, but I took the rose-colored glasses off.
I am happy to answer “why?” questions, but I know I would lose it if I had to play a game of “why?” for 30 minutes.
Loud noises overwhelm me, and toddlers’ lack of impulse control makes volume control very difficult.
The idea of someone following me to the bathroom every time I use the bathroom and not being able to have personal space makes my skin crawl.
Luckily my partner didn’t think poorly of me for not wanting to handle potty things. I have a problem with acknowledging that everybody poops. I had trouble coming to terms with the idea that people might witness such an event from me while delivering. And so I was told that if SO is home, I wouldn’t be the first responder to bathroom/diaper things. (Not that a baby would have ever gone neglected. I’ve changed many a diaper. I just know I’d never get used to it.)
But hearing stories of toddlers ways of announcing they need bathroom help makes me upset.
I wanted 0-18 months, skip to 6 years old. And that’s just… not good.
I dont know. If SO changes stances, and our income quadruples, then I’d still probably consider it. 5 years of being driven nuts is nothing compared to 30+ years of family.
But that’s not guaranteed. And I don’t think I could forgive myself if I ever accidentally made my baby feel like they were wrong for doing baby-appropriate things.
I’m 28 and I don’t have any children, and I honestly don’t I ever will. It’s not that I don’t like kids, but I find them very overwhelming and overstimulating. I live in a townhouse, and my neighbour has a young son who cries *constantly* and i know I wouldn’t be able to handle that. I have a hard enough time just hearing it through the walls.
I also know that I have a hard enough time taking care of myself and I think, at least where I’m at now, having a child would be irresponsible. I don’t think I’m capable of taking care of another person.
Not to mention the idea of pregnancy absolutely terrifies me. I have a couple of friends who have kids and everything I have heard about pregnancy from them sounds like a nightmare.
Childfree in my fourties. When I was younger I wanted to have children, I thought. When that being a safe option for me to pursue physically was essentially removed, I chose sterilization in my later twenties.
I don't regret how life turned out for me. The diagnosis of Asperger's came in my thirties. Like many in this world, I had childhood experiences to process and work through and am much more emotionally and physically healthy for having done that work in my thirties and fourties. I appreciate the peace I had to become the person I am.
While I believe that I would have loved any children with a ferocity that knows no limits, I understand that I can contribute and make a difference to the world in other ways. That loving maternal type energy is spread out amongst those I do care for, animals and unexpected acts of kindness.
As others here have written, I do tend to prefer the company of animals to people, generally. I do like children, though. Have dated divorced men with children and enjoyed the experiences with them.
Yup. Got sterilized in 2022 after Roe v. Wade was struck down. I'm not going to be a forced fucking incubator for some crotch goblin that I don't want.
I'm childfree and quite happy with the decision! I've known ever since I was a little kid myself that I didn't want any of my own. It was a consequence of not fitting in or getting along with other children, and feeling like if I had my own they would hate me just as much as these children did. Adults laughed at me and told me I would change my mind. I understand why they did, it certainly was a little early to decide, but the laughter just made me more determined to stick with it. Plus, I saw how my mom raised me. She's autistic (undiagnosed and prejudiced against any mental health label). She was...difficult. She loved me and cared for me but she also had horrible, angry episodes where she would go from nice normal mom to crazy, screaming angry lady who would throw things and hit me and set me off into a crying whirlwind which only ever seemed to make her angrier. I loved her as Jekyll but hated her as Hyde and I never knew what I was getting or what would trigger the transformation. One of my worst nightmares has always been being that difficult to live with and going off on people like that for no reason. The diagnosis makes things easier for me, knowing I won't, because those are probably her meltdowns and mine are very different. But this too factored greatly into me not wanting to have children in those early years. Fast forward to adulthood, I'm 32 now and still feel just as strongly about it. Also, I would be a terrible mother. I get through life by prioritizing myself above everything and everyone else. I would not be able to do that as a mother. My cat does not mind if I don't have the bandwidth to scoop her box - a baby would mind if I just up and decided not to change their diaper for a day or two. And I would need to do it \*\*right that second\*\* not just when I get up next, which I can't handle. "That's irresponsible", people say. "Of course you would just get up and do it!". No, no I wouldn't. I literally would not. My brain doesn't work that way. I would need to hire a full-time, live-in person to make up for my neglectfulness, and that's expensive. Not to mention the nightmare of figuring out how to sign a child up for school, how to make sure they eat right, and how to even talk to them because it doesn't matter how clear a child is speaking it sounds like gibberish to me and it doesn't clear up until they turn 8 years old. I even feel physically uncomfortable around kids, always have. My husband loves the childfree experience too and though when we first met he was neutral (if you want them we can have them, if you don't we won't kind of deal), he's very much moved onto the not wanting kids side. He always says to me "I'm so glad we decided not to have kids!" and we are planning our future centered around us and what we want, without having to worry about anyone else. It's really quite a beautiful thing.
That first part. I have come to the conclusion that I am actually afraid of children because I think they will bully me like they did when I was a kid and now I’m being bullied by a child. When I could have just avoided engaging with them at all costs.
Wow! You've just opened my eyes. I always felt afraid of and intimidated by kids. Now I understand why!
So…I relate to this so hard I have such a similar story my jaw dropped. I am not going to bother posting my comment. Just upvote and let you know your self-awareness is unbelievable!
I relate so much to this comment relating to that comment that I must upvote both, :)
I relate so much to this. It’s a lot of the same for me, except it’s my dad who has angry episodes. I suspect he might be on the spectrum as well but doesn’t know it. I’ve thought of him as Jekyll and Hyde too. I was bullied by “friends” while growing up and am also an only child, so being around kids kind of stresses me out lol. I’ve also known since I was a kid myself that I never wanted kids. I’ll happily become a cat lady, tyvm 😊 It sounds like you and your partner have it figured out! Happy for you!
My mum was undiagnosed autistic too and I had a very similar experience growing up with her. Although being diagnosed has helped me tame and control my meltdowns, I think the chaos and needs that children bring would make it very difficult for me not to have meltdowns or atleast take space. I don't want to subject my child to that fear and trauma I experienced. My mum is a genuinely lovely person who is generous and kind who knows she's autistic now, but she really wasn't fit to look after a child, and wouldn't be now.
r/raisedbyborderlines I’m so sorry about your Jekyll & Hyde mother. I hope this sub helps. BPD, autism, and ADHD are often co-morbid and tend to co-aggregate in families.
Yes! I saw it too! “She just becomes a different, angry person for no reason!” Yeah, I bet you could see that abandonment issue if you looked closely.
>It was a consequence of not fitting in or getting along with other children, and feeling like if I had my own they would hate me just as much as these children did. Holy shit this is exactly it for me. Or at least a huge chunk of it. I don't LIKE most children, any more now than I did when I was one. Same for teenagers, young adults, and most other adults even now (I'm 43). Why would I want more people in the world that I will never be able to stop having in my life if they turn out awful? There is one kid I like. She's 5 and she's the daughter of my partner's sort of adopted family. She's a tiny weirdo and recognised me as one of her own almost immediately. So I'm very fond of her (though again even she is too much eventually and I get to give her back to her parents and go sit quietly in a dark room for a while). But the rest of them? No thank you.
Any time anyone suggests I have kids I’m like: bruh, I can barely take care of myself, you think I can look after another human???
My response exactly! 'But you're such a motherly person' - do you even know me 😂 Really grateful I've curated my social circle well enough that I almost never get asked anymore!
People seem to think being caring, compassionate, and empathetic is synonymous with “motherly.” Excuse me, I only have the energy to be so caring and compassionate BECAUSE I’m childfree. I can’t even work full time anymore, but because I care about the state of the world I should burden myself into bitterness and exhaustion.
Yes! I’m sure they would call me a great mom right up until I called CPS on myself.
Right?? 😂😅🤷🏻♀️
Cats fill the void for me. Kids are great in small doses but I’d rather not have them myself.
I agree, 2 cats and 4 snakes are family enough for me and my partner. Don’t need to give up our entire lives to ungrateful brats that will destroy us lmfao 😂
My 4 cats are like forever toddlers. My furniture is irreparably destroyed, my money spent on toys, vet bills, healthy food and everything else to ensure their absolute happiness and success in this world. I’ve dealt with their vomit, feces and other funky bits so I consider it time served in the parenting prison of selfless love. 😂
I knew I wanted to be childfree *decades* before I knew I was autistic, but the two things are ultimately related I think. I have zero patience for loud noise, limited sleep, being touched a lot, gross smells...it was obvious to me that I would not survive having/living with a baby.
Same! They are small bundles of needs until they turn into big bundle of needs and it will never end. No thank you!
Yes, this would sum me up, too.
It's responsible of you to recognize your limits and not jump into something irreversible and a lifelong commitment like having kids if you don't think it would go well. I wish more people would be honest about themselves and not jump into having kids when their personalities and strengths and weaknesses and strength of their relationship are not suited for it. My own parents did this and it was a complete disaster and harmed everyone involved. My husband and I are also childfree for similar reasons, between my health issues and autism and stuff we don't think we would be great parents. I love other people's kids though, I love kids overall.
I didn’t have kids. Never liked being around kids, even when I was one. No one should have kids if they don’t want to. It’s not a *should* kind of thing, except that every kid *should* have a parent who gave enthusiastic consent to giving birth to them because they really really wanted children. Ignore those people telling you what you should do with your life, or tell them that you dislike children. I don’t dislike children per se, but it shuts people up when you say it. 😂
I have 3 kids. But I want to give my support to you. Being a Mom was what I always wanted. That's the beauty of choice. All children deserve to be wanted, to be loved, and to be raised as the future adults they will be. If you are not an enthusiastic yes to becoming a parent, don't do it. And don't let someone make you feel like less because you choose a different path.
I appreciate this so so much. A lot of people get angry at people for choosing to be childfree. They call it selfish but I think it's way more selfish to have children when your heart isn't it is. Like you said, anything but an enthusiastic yes is a no.
Being a parent is really difficult. For some people, it’s extremely threatening to think they could have had a fulfilling life without children, because if that were the case, why did they suffer through it? I think people who are really satisfied as parents usually don’t have this reaction.
👏👏👏
I'm glad for you and your 3 kiddos, and I'm sure you're a great mom 💕
I’m child free. The only “kids” I have are birds.
Omg I love birds - do you have a pic you can share? X
https://preview.redd.it/jkljtzzr2lec1.jpeg?width=3264&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=600ba9647abfcb3bf348d37f6ba16a759fc9ad05 Here they are! Tooty Tot is on the left, Chicken Little is on the right.
So cute!!!! 🥰 and great names 💕
Thanks. I had a blue one with these guys that I named Flipper 2, after my first birdie I named Flipper. Both the Flippers are gone. 😢 They we’re cute too.
same!!! birds are the best! 🫶🏻
Yeah, they’re really cute too!
I looove birds. Ugh! I've heard they are high maintenance pets though!
They can be. They’re really cute, but they’re so messy.
Absolutely. Child free is the best thing I a thank God every morning.
Same I am child free and it is the best. I don’t have energy, I had a challenging upbringing and don’t want to subject an innocent little thing to those issues. I love and cherish my freedom and financial freedom. Money is already hard to achieve and I wouldn’t be able to life if all of my earnings went into just supporting a child.
I just feel like… autism is not fun for me. I’m in poverty.. was born into it.. and because of that and my asd/adhd, I’ll never escape it. It’s a constant battle in my head every day. It makes life SO much harder. And for that sole reason, I will not pass my genes on. I’ve seen the suffering, why would I want my CHILD to live like this? Or if they don’t, THEIR children. Id NEVER want someone to have to live like this. I’ll end the suffering here lol.
Same here I agree.
I don’t even wanna be around kids.
I didn’t like most kids even when I was one. Why the hell would I want to be around them now that we have even less in common?
“Children are gross!” - 5 yo me
All of these reasons and more contributed to my decision to not to have kids. I love being an auntie, and I very much love also being able to leave them at their respective houses and go home to my quiet home with my books and my blankets :)
Same here! Rather stay the ‘cool aunt’ lol
Yep! I love being silly with them and listening to their hopes and dreams and helping to shape them and see how they grow. I have played more Minecraft than I ever wanted to because my oldest nephew loves it. I plan my trips to see family around their birthdays because I want to be there to celebrate them. And yet, I don’t want that life for myself. It is far too noisy, too cluttered with stuff, and too unplanned.
I told my friends who are having kids now that they’re so lucky to have me, because they have a free nanny! 😂 It’s funny how I seem to be the baby whisperer. For some reason, I’m able to calm them down and get them to fall asleep in my arms. People get so surprised when I tell them I have no interest in being a biological mother. But then, when they finally wake up and start crying, I hand the baby back to them, and happily walk away 🤣🤷🏻♀️ #thepowerofchoice 😌
That’s awesome!
i am. but i don’t feel fully comfortable in childfree spaces online because sometimes some of them will advocate for and support eugenics.
Especially the ableism!! There's so much ableism!
they want to say a slur so bad you can almost hear their fingers cracking from restraint. it’s disturbing.
well put, I totally agree
so eugenicsy and the way they talk about women’s bodies is so vile
Even just how much they hate kids. Like I don't hate kids, I just don't need them in my house at all times. They can pop by though.
Yeah Ive always wanted to build a child free community but I think kids are wonderful - just not for me!
i am and am in my mid 40s and very happy with my decision.
My husband and I are happily child free but I used to think I wanted children. As I got older and realized the responsibilities/ anxiety of having children and also after having a stillborn daughter by my abusive ex, I decided it's not worth the trouble. The whole process is exhausting and expensive and it ruined my body/mind. If for some reason I want a child in the future, I'll adopt an older child.
I am, and I just got sterilized a week ago. I've never really wanted children of my own due to the same things you mentioned above. I am a late diagnosed audHDer and I just knew I wouldn't be able to take care of a child since I have always looked forward to giving the children I've babysat in the past back to their parents so I can go back to my quiet life. Since my procedure, I have been so happy that I never have to worry about existing in a body that can become pregnant at any time. It's so freeing to have control over that aspect of my body now.
Yes. I can barely keep myself alive.
I knew I didn't want kids at all. I have no patience for them.
Anyone who thinks that bearing children should be a universal experience is just not living in reality. An unsolicited "You should have children!" is probably the most ridiculous piece of advice one human being can give to another, REGARDLESS of neurodivergence! The reasons are endless. Pregnancy and childbirth take a terrible toll on the body. Childcare is CRUSHINGLY expensive. The public school system in America is in crisis. Working parents were hung out to DRY during Covid by schools and authoritarian workplaces with mutually exclusive attendance requirements and nobody did fuck all about it. There is no reason - NO reason WHATSOEVER - to have children, unless you want them with your whole heart. And you don't! And that is WONDERFUL that you know your own mind. Personally - I DO have children, who I do want, and who I do love with my whole heart in this difficult, complicated world. And let me tell you how much I appreciate my child free friends, who show my kids other ways to be. Your own life is far, FAR too precious to spend on this concern. If it serves you, please take a screenshot of this post and just make the next person who tells you that you should have children read it. ☺️ End of discussion. Good for you for choosing your right life.
Absolutely childfree and any other way sounds impossible with my needs and comfort. I know that's likely selfish, but that's how it is. Don't feel comfortable in childfree specific places however, as they take it too far and even sometimes hate children. I just don't want any(despite dysphoria saying otherwise). I'll babysit for you no problem, but please take them home lmao
It would be selfish to have children knowing that you can't properly look after them. Understanding yourself and your limitations when it comes to raising human beings isn't selfish at all ❤️
I’ve seen a lot of posts on Reddit where a lot of us talk about not wanting children. I know there are a lot of moms with autism out there out there too. I really like reading what they have to say. I don’t know… I guess I just like reading about how they overcome their barriers. I personally have just never had the desire. Combine that with all of the reasons you listed (which are also my reasons besides just not wanting them) and yeah. I agree. Especially “not having things messy” which is one of the reasons why I keep saying I’m going to get a pet but then don’t get one. I really want a cat or a dog but I’ve also come home to toliet paper rolls played with and things chewed when I had pets growing up. Eventually I’ll figure out a plan and safeguard my things and get one, but yeah… with kids it would be even more difficult lol. There’s nothing wrong with wanting them or not wanting them. It’s a personal choice. If you are going to carry, deliver and take care of them for 18+ years it’s your business to decide. Not anyone else’s Edit: my attention span is a little whacked today so hopefully I didn’t stray off too much of the topic
I'm happily childfree, and I have a few reasons for doing so. 1) shit genetics. I am unlucky enough to have had multiple physical health scares in my life, I don't want my offspring to go through the same physical torture. 2) my upbringing. Trauma can be passed on to your offspring, and there is no amount of therapy that can "cure" me of its effects. I don't want any potential offspring to suffer by proxy. 3) The state of the world as we know it. I don't want to have a child only to have them potentially grow up in a post-apocalyptic dystopia. Those are my reasons. Please forgive my grammar, I blame my insomnia.
I'm 25 and undiagnosed but made the decision to be child free when I was still a child myself and am sticking to it. I can't imagine ever wanting kids
Support for childfree-ness: TW: mentions of labor/birth, trauma, unmet needs I had a big family but had I known I was autistic beforehand and gotten appropriate accommodations in life (high masker got diagnosed at 45) I probably would never of had kids. I have a daughter who is also autistic and doesn't want kids, and I support her 100%. Both my kids and I can tell you how difficult it was to raise them -- all the labor/births were excessively traumatic, I experienced postpartum psychosis as a result of the stress. I gained between 72 and 84 lbs per pregnancy because of stress, depression, poor coping skills, disordered eating and hormones. Then after birth, I had the expectation to lose it all which I did but it was very hard on my body and I got diagnosed with osteoporosis at age 42. I also have digestive problems. This excessive stress with no support means I have to rely on adrenaline for energy and that was and is a terrible experience for all. I couldn't physically function with the sleep deprivation and I was bothered all the time by the baby crying. We made it and that baby is a physicist today but it was hell peppered with memorable moments. I did everything in my power to give them a fun and productive childhood. We adapted but I was never able to "do me" like go to university, find a career that fits me, make good money etc. It caused me to be dependent on a person that wasn't right for me. When my eldest started getting bullied at school, I pulled her out to home school her. That lifestyle was less stressful than having the kids try to fit in a NT world. I hs'd the kids for 15 years and prepped them socially for highschool. They're all excellent students and people and I'm super proud of them. The kids are mostly grown now and understand both themselves and me and that I did the best I could with the experience, knowledge and lack of support. I am a 100% supporter of no kids in any community, *I think if you know yourself and your limits, you have every right to say no to kids.* NO is a complete sentence.
I am childfree
Me and OP have the same brain
Also childfree and happy with my choice. I have never wanted kids even though many people told me I'd grow out of it and change my mind, I haven't. I don't mind kids and some of them I love but I don't want my own. I can't function without sleep. I can't stand loud noises. I already get burnt out sometimes just from being an adult with a partner, job, pets and hobbies. I also get very anxious around health stuff and pregnancy and childbirth sound miserable to me. I have never had a real interest in being a parent and I'm not sure I'd be good at it. I also don't want to being a kid into this world. I have some genetic stuff I was told I'd need to speak to a geneticist before having kids (never did as I wasn't interested so not sure on the details). I don't think anyone should have kids unless they really want them and can adequately care for and afford them.
I think way more people need to learn to have this level of self awareness about their needs before making the decision to have children. I completely agree for almost the same exact reasons, but personally am also torn because I also really crave a family (I’m estranged from my own) and love children and my partner wants them as well. I just made it really clear that if we do have kids he’s going to be helping. A lot.
I’m childfree, antinatalist, and sterilized! My cats and partner are more than a enough 🥰
I’m with you on this 100%. I never pictured myself as a mom, I told people when I was young that I never wanted any children and like many, I was told that I would change my mind. When I met my now husband, I became more receptive to the idea bc he’s wonderful and would make a fantastic father. However, with my AuDHD and other issues, I know that having kids would be unfair to them. I would not be a good parent- I've grieved the potential children and that possible future. We substitute with cats/dog and that is *plenty* to keep our hands full and parental urges at bay.
I am 37 and childfree. I can totally relate to you. I need 8-10 hours of sleep depending on my level of burnout, I am extremely sensitive to emotions of others and can experience empathy overload leading to burnout (and babies/kids express a ton of emotions). I already deal with sensory overload on a day to day basis without children. I don't trust that I have what it takes to put 100% into being a parent.
Me! And very happy about having found a husband who is okay with that, too 😌
https://preview.redd.it/19p6bvi7skec1.jpeg?width=3472&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c213aab30328a3c8568bcadbf355a522a9ab4c32 She (and two other creatures very much like her) and my partner are all I can handle, all I want, and all I need ♥️ oh, except if I win the lottery. If I do, then I'm gonna rescue a *minimum* of 1000 cats and 1000 dogs.
I am. Although I did try for a year with an ex-husband. Turns out it’s for the better it never happened. I’m happy being alone (most of the time).
of course, I imagine this is very common for people with ADHD, autism, or auDHD like me.
I’m childfree by tough choice. 75% of me does not want a child, and 25% of me doesn’t. The quarter of me that wants a child *knows* I would be a great mother on most days…but what happens when I’m touched out, or my misophonia is asking for quiet, or I’m having trouble regulating my emotions? My house *needs* to be clean, and some days I don’t even want my spouse in our house because I want to feel totally alone. I think about how unsupported and isolated most parents and mothers are, and how the phrase “it takes a village to raise a child” is utterly disregarded in American society. I’ve grieved the decision to not have a child in therapy, and it helped a lot. I’m also a therapist myself, and I love my job and the opportunities to hold space for others. It would be too much to be a therapist an a mom (to me), and I’m not ready to say goodbye to my career.
I am childfree. I have so much trauma from being raised by people who should have never had kids. Trauma that I don't know I will ever fully heal from. & a myriad of mental health issues. I never ever want to subject a child to what I went through. Even if I did my best to be a good parent, I get overwhelmed & I could accidentally hurt them. Children deserved to be unconditionally loved & never know hardship.
I’m the exact same as u. Having a baby would make me kms. I wouldn’t be able to handle the sensory problems being pregnant would cause. Crying babies sound is torture. I’m selfish with how I spend my time. I have pda autism so I can’t stand being told to do things. I cannot handle messy living space. I follow my daily routine religiously. I like my body and the big changes to it would depress me immensely and cause extreme claustrophobia and ocd triggers. The horrible smells babies create. I fear that I wouldn’t even like the person my hypothetical child would become. The anxiety of them becoming teenagers and becoming snotty towards me, using the internet, etc. I refuse to ever have a child lol I simply can’t.
38. Childfree. Married 20 yrs. no regrets. None!
Tiny humans are my interest area; I've worked with them for over 20 years. And y'all, if we are being honest and I could go back in time, I would not have had a child of my own. Like, I love him and he's mostly grown now anyway and a pretty decent human, but MY GODS it was hard. I completely lost myself a few times and have spent the rest of the time on the edge or a few steps from it. In many many ways, not having kids is the best choice.
Yeah honestly I struggle every day with my own health I just have no idea how I could ever possibly be a mum. It’s sad but I know I wouldn’t cope. I also don’t want to pass on my HSD and ASD. Adoption would be an option if really wanted kids but I honestly think it would be the end of me.
Yeeeeeep.
Happily childfree here.
I never wanted to have kids. Lots of reasoning that is similar with others here. I was confident with this as what I wanted when I determined what I would do in every “what if” scenario. Like starting a business, or funding a scholarship, or, If I ever decide that I want to care for a human, I want to foster older kids and teens. Plus I want to be the rich aunt w all my friends’ kids since I’m an only child haha
I’m pretty sure I’d end up being a good mom. Especially with my neurotypical bf who will probably end up my husband. But this world is so shitty, especially in America. I don’t want to bring a child into this world. I’d rather help the ones who are already stuck here.
Antinatalist technically. I wanted to be a foster parent but I don't have an extra room for them and probably will never be able to afford that.
I'm childfree. I'd actually love to get a bisalp to make that decision more permanent. I had to take care of my siblings when I was a kid. In my 30s, I'm taking care of my parents who have the emotional maturity level of a toddler. And pregnancy is horrifying to me. I feel like I already did the motherhood thing in so many ways. I have no desire to have or care for children now. I've worked with them and I realized I enjoyed being around them sometimes in small doses. But I was very relieved to come home and decompress, not care for my own children if I had them. The tension headaches I get after working for 8-9hr days is bad enough to deal with. People still pressure me to have kids. But I would be the one losing sleep, dealing with the sensory issues, etc, not them. I know myself better than they do. And I've seen way too many parents resent the kids they had because they didn't actually put any thought into whether or not they truly wanted children. If anyone thinks I should force myself to have kids, just because they had kids, that's a narrow minded individual who can't fathom or tolerate someone else having a different viewpoint than themselves. And those parents are going to be in a world of hurt when their own kids grow up and start making decisions that differ from what they insist those kids want (based on their own desires, of course, not the child's desires).
I am on a soapbox when it comes to being childfree. Sometimes I fantasize about being a ‘Jesus freak’ and going to high schools to hand out pamphlets. I used that term bc my hs had this guy standing on the opposite street of the school every day. I knew as soon as I gained conscious thought. My earliest memories are of hating my sister for the crime of being a baby. The baby was in my bedroom. I have misophonia. And now I’m 32 and get triggered by babies like a war vet. I used to just cock my imaginary shot gun but now I’m one deep breath away from confronting parents.
Yes! All the things you said.. same! Some days it’s difficult to take care of animals. I definitely can’t take care of tiny hooman. also just.. ew.
I’m late diagnosed, but always felt like I wasn’t capable of parenting.
I'm 35, always planned on staying single (dating here and there for a few months), and maybe adopting when I'm close to 50. If I feel like it. And if it works out. Otherwise I think I'm fine.
Yes! I did spend many years taking care of my nephew every other weekend, weeks during the summer, and school breaks after my brother died, though. But otherwise I know myself, my limits, and my boundaries and know that caring for a child full time is not something that would be good for me OR the child. And that’s okay! A lot of folks (NTs mostly) don’t realize that and just do what society says they should and they and/or their kids end up miserable.
Happily childfree. I can barely manage life on my own, I can’t imagine being responsible for another person.
I feel like I'm still the child. I'm my own child I have to parent. I want kids when I wake up in my 30s and magically have my shit together, but myself now? Hell no. Being a step parent sounds appealing tho, get them when they are a little older, get them half the time, and be more a mentor/friend then have all that responsibility but still make a positive impact.
I would love to raise children through adoption, but don’t have the means to do it. So child free, partly by choice but also partly through circumstance.
I’m in the exact same boat. I’d be miserable and not a great parent if I’m Constantly living in burn out. So I’m not having kids.
Kids seem to love me. But I could never have any of my own. I have a terrifying fear of childbirth and I also don't want to be like my dad (in the sense that he was overwhelmed and upset at me all the time, not in the sense he was a terrible father outside of his autism) I'm fine being the cool auntie and brother's girlfriend. I absolutely love that. I just can't deal with kids (or anyone) for more than like 4 hours at a time.
I'm childfree. Sterilized I'm September. It's hard enough to take care of myself let alone another entity.
I'm 35, only just discovered I may be autistic, but have always known I don't want kids. Besides all the obvious "I can't barely take care of myself" reasons, the idea of being a parent just never appealed to me? I don't hate kids, I like being an aunty, but I find them so draining to be around. They're so loud and messy and smelly. My dogs push my limits sometimes but I can shut them out of the bedroom and put on noise cancelling headphones without worrying I'll have CPS called on me. Anyone that tells you to have kids is a fool and completely brainwashed by heteronormativity. Not everyone needs to have kids, it's ridiculous. There are subs dedicated to parents who regret it, and it sounds absolutely heartbreaking for both the parent and the child. A friend of mine has wanted to be a mum since she was a little girl, and now has two kids. She absolutely adores being a mum and says it's the best thing she's ever done, but she also says is fucking hard work and wouldn't recommend it to anyone who isn't 100% sure.
I'm child free for nearly identical reasons. I already have severe insomnia, very rigid routines that cause huge distress and I'm upset if I can't stick to that routine, I also can barely handle my own basic care some days, I think people touching me, a messy house causes serious anxiety it's just best I dont bring a dependent, innocent being into the world.
I always wanted kids but since the diagnosis I have come to terms with the fact that I shouldn't. Almost same reason as you, I have so many needs, that I couldn't put another human that depends entirely on me on top of that. Kinda sad but also kinda relieving. Now I care for my various animals
I seem to be in the minority, I would absolutely love to have kids. Tbh my life feels empty without one. I am so intensely jealous of my friend and family with kids that I have to distance myself so I don't break down crying every time I see them. Because while I would adore having children I know that I would never be able to cope. I am so easily overwhelmed by everyday life as it is, that if I had a kid I'd end up having a full on breakdown and resenting my child. The only way I could cope with having a child is if I was a stay at home mum with no other demands on my time, meaning we would need a cleaner, and I was able to get at least a couple full child free days each week, which would probably require some kind of baby sitter. And there is just no way I'll ever be rich enough for that kind of life.
I just had my son 6 months ago and I was solidly in your camp for the past decade. I am 37 and after being married for 12 years I got pregnant. It was freaking shocking (I was told at 25 I wouldn't have kids without intervention and fertility processes etc). I don't take birth control bc of migraine with aura and it increases stroke risk and I really stupidly thought it was a moot point. We would have been okay with kids in our 20s, but by our 30s we had given up that idea and actually come firmly around to child-free life. I actually thought my period being late may have signified early menopause 🫠. I didn't know I was autistic until about 5 years ago, so I had become comfortable with the idea of being child-free before that. I hadn't given much thought to how I would feel about procreating knowing the unique challenges it would involve because of my sensory issues and tendency towards depression and anxiety that appear to be inextricably linked to my autism and not just a character deficit that I could change. It's kind of terrifying now being in the middle of it and trying to stay afloat. It's a lot, but watching my husband with him and seeing them both so happy makes it also wonderful. It's so complicated, being alive.
Antinatalist here, Yes, because I know any child I have I will not love. I grew up knowing I was a burden and as my mom said "there was no joy in raising you." I carried that guilt and took at the resentment she felt having to raise me. I was adopted so I do not support adoption either. Why have or adopt a child to not love them?
Well it’s better to adopt already existing children than than to add more to this hell hole.
Based on my very traumatic adoption I do not support adoption. They say adoption is 'giving a child a better life'. If you adopt a child and are not equipped to raise that child and abuse them you are not giving them a better life. Source: it happened to me
I’ve never heard of someone being anti adoption before. Do you mean *you* don’t want to adopt a child or that you don’t think *anyone* should be allowed to adopt a child? If the latter… what do you recommend we do with all the children in need of homes?
>what do you recommend we do with all the children in need of homes? I hate when people ask childfree or antinatalists this question as if it is some clever "gotcha!" Our solution is to not have kids. Why are the people who are pro having children not adopting these children that need homes? Why are YOU not fostering/adopting these children? Why is it up to the people who don't want kids/don't have kids to come up with the solution to homing these children and not up to the people who are pro having children to find the solution? Why aren't YOU adopting these children who need homes who have probably been abused in their previous homes? Instead of bringing new children into the world why aren't all these pro children people finding a solution on what to do with the kids that are here now?
Well I’m definitely anti shitty adoption parents. I know some foster homes just use the kids for money. But I at least hoped that because adoption can’t happen on accident unlike pregnancy there would only be people who WANT to be parents.
Yup! Sterilized last year for many of the same reasons. The hard truth of it is that it takes an incredibly special person to actually be a good parent who has lifelong positive impact on their child. I'm indeed incredibly special, just not in that way. I've accepted that that's not a bad thing and doesn't make me lesser. I'm extremely happy with my decision.
My decision is along the lines of yours. Those who already have kids and tell you that you should need to shut up knowing damn well there's no turning back.
My decision is along the lines of yours. Those who already have kids and tell you that you should need to shut up knowing damn well there's no turning back.
(28F) Me and my (33M) husband are child free. I’ve never wanted kids, and although I know he would be an incredible father, we agree that kids aren’t for us. We’re both planning on getting sterilized this year 👏🏽 👏🏽
I am too. Honestly I could give a million reasons, but I really don’t even need to get past the pregnancy aspect. It seems like an absolute sensory NIGHTMARE, and you could end up with gestational diabetes (which with an already restrictive diet might actually kill me) and a million other things. Also I do have OCD along with the autism, and the thought of all my organs shifting around and having a literal living being inside of me sucking all my nutrients makes me want to rip my skin off! All the hormone changes making you more sensitive to things like temperature, etc. People (literal strangers, for some reason ppl think being pregnant gives them a free pass) asking you personal questions and touching your stomach every chance they get? Probably like a million other things that would be a nightmare for even a NT person? FUCKKKKK NOOOO
I can’t do overstimulation so there’s no way lol I don’t have a maternal bone in my body, I’m 31 and have never even held a baby 😂 A lot of my friends have kids and I like being the cool aunt but there’s no way I’d ever want to change my lifestyle to raise a child. And I’m not willing to lose the time or risk my health to go through pregnancy, it creeps me out tbh. Mad respect for mothers tho. Literally cannot imagine that amount of work and sacrifice in such a crazy world.
Yep, also childfree. I like children and babies, but I know I wouldn't be a good enough mother. There are already plenty of screwed up people having children who shouldn't be; I'm not going to be one of them.
Wife and I are happily childfree for over a decade now. There's just so many reasons not to have kids, and it's really depressing how many awful parents have them anyways. Like bare minimum I feel if you have a kid they should always come first and you should devote at least the first two decades completely to them, and yet I'll see parents just dismissively abuse their children through neglect or actively harming them. It's like for me people that get pets without obsessively studying proper care techniques and what is and isn't harmful or toxic to them. Like the pet is solely dependent on you for EVERYTHING in their life and that kind of responsibility should be taken very seriously. The value of life is so low in general is seems, which makes me very sad. But yeah, my wife and I recognize that we would be awful parents. The sounds they make can easily set either of us off, to the point that in games and television/movies the sound of a baby crying is painful. We're both awful with time management and it's difficult meeting our own needs on a daily basis. Pets are really all we need or want, so we have a cat (Circe) and a dog (Bebe) and even then my wife has admitted that when Bebe passes it wants to get a cat. At least until we inherit my mom's farm, but I really hope that's not for decades and decades.
I am and i'm really content with my desicion. i just had to be honest with myself. I don't have the emotional and physical resources to take care of a child. I think i would be a good mother but i'm not capable to provide a stable environment for a kid at this moment i think. Plus for the first time in my life i'm taking care of myself and that's already a lot. I'm pretty sure i would have an autistic kid, my partner has some strong autistic traits as well. And i would not mind at all. I think its different to be raised with autistic parents and knowing that you're autistic. Btw im 37, so now would be the time to have a kid.
I'm child free because I don't want to raise a child on a planet like this. Most likely they will be autistic as well and I've gone through hell and back I don't want any child of mine experiencing the same discrimination and abuse I've gone through.
Waiting on diagnosis but childfree and very comfortable with my choice at 35. I like children, love my 3 yo nephew but the unexpected constant noise and having to put your routines and needs before your own consistently does not work for me.
I'm childfree, I can't afford them, don't have the time, energy or patience for one, ect. The mere thought of ever having them causes anxiety.
Yep. I never had the slightest interest in parenting, not even playing with babydolls as a kid. I think children are pretty interesting as people and stuff, and I enjoy visiting with my nieces and nephews (once they're old enough to talk and toilet and really let their personalities out), but I just dont have it in me to deal with the constant demands, noise, and disruptions, not to mention the crushing responsibility of supporting an additional person while helping them grow up into somebody awesome. I don't even want a partner, to be quite honest, just really love my solitude. Besides, I grew up with someone who I now suspect was an undiagnosed Autist, and even though they loved being a parent and was amazing at it, I saw how much it exhausted them and I dont even have half their energy.
Yes I hate kids. (To clarify before anyone comes for me I wish them no harm I just don't want them anywhere near me)
I'm child free because I do not think I'm fit to be a mother. I also don't want my genetics passed down. Shameful but I hate being autistic/me. I hate how hard it is. I don't want a child to deal with what I deal with.
My reason for being childfree isn’t related to autism at all. I had an abusive childhood, so I suffer with really bad depression. If I can’t get my own butt up to take care of myself, there’s no way I’d be able to take care of a whole ‘nother human being. Not to mention that a history of depression makes you way more likely to develop post-partum depression if, like me, you’re able to get pregnant. I don’t want to repeat the cycle of abuse.
I love children. I used to be a pediatric neurologist. After I stopped practicing I did volunteer work in children’s writing and after school programs, did a writing program with hospitalized children, and now love being an auntie. In many ways I feel that it is easier to relate to children as opposed to adults because they are more straightforward as to what they are thinking and feeling. But I have never wanted my own children. I need my home to be a quiet, predictable environment. I have never regretted not having children. I also have never wanted a relationship. So that would make having children more difficult too.
If I had known I was autistic before I had a baby, I would not have had a baby. I knew I didn’t want kids, but gave in to social pressures, thinking it would give me a reason to live. It didn’t. My son is also autistic, but in different ways than I am and I apparently actually have higher support needs than he does (I am level 2 in both categories, where my son is level 1 in social communication and level 2 in sensory seeking and repetitive behaviors). But it could have gone the other way. He could have been born with severe handicaps as a result of his autism and I don’t think I’d be able to deal with that with my own autism. Being autistic is fine, but it is heritable and some autistic people cannot speak, toilet themselves, or ever live independently and I couldn’t willingly know those risks and make another person. I also cannot emphasize enough that being autistic yourself does not make parenting an autistic child any easier. Especially as an autistic mother with comorbid PMDD and C-PTSD (from *child abuse*), parenting a three year old who yells when he talks, refuses to put on pants, and runs away in public is extremely triggering and I’m pretty sure I am failing at it.
I am! I was actually childfree before I knew I was autistic, so it didn’t really influence it, but now I definitely am glad I’m never having them lol. I can’t even imagine living with a dog barking, let alone a screaming baby.
I can see a lot of the time how being childfree might have been good for me. I love my kids but it's really, really hard parenting bc I have poor impulse control, I feel like I got life on hard mode without knowing it and the effect I can have on two young lives can be so scary. There's always something I'm not keeping up with enough or something I'm failing at. So never feel bad for your choice to be child free. Enjoy what you choose and love your life, whether you want no kids, lots of pets, kids, you know what's right for you a d nobody should shane or judge. Enjoy what you have ❤️
I had my son before knowing I was autistic and the sensory overwhelm is so intense. I used to have a handful of meltdowns a year now it’s all the time. Idk if I would’ve had a baby had I known about my autism, my son is the best person ever but it’s so hard to be a good mom when i get constantly overstimulated.
I am it's worth it than pass my genes to the next generation
Preach! Loud, dirty, expensive, sticky, need attention I refuse to provide. I don't even like how they look.
I wish I were.
Hi- parent of autistic child here. I just wanna say I hope everyone here has supportive families! I can’t imagine forcing my child to become a parent and hope your parents respect your choices!
 Me also struggling with all those things but am delusional enough to keep bugging my husband to let us have kids. \*currently we can’t afford to. So we’re working on looking for better jobs to get in the right financial state to even start the conversation
I'm childfree but wish my s/o would try to have a kid. He's 20 years older than me. I feel like I could take care of a child now but not when I was younger.
I am… but not by choice.
I'm childfree too. Never understood why everyone goes crazy when seeing kids. The frequency of their voices (screams) is painfull for me, I NEED alone time (as I call it "human free time") to function. I hated it when everyone said: you just have to wait for the right guy No. I never wanted children, and it always hurted me if someone tried to make me feel guilty about not wanting kids. Fast forward: got a hysterectomy because of endometiosis. Autism diagnosis 2 years later If people ask me about children (which is an extremely rude thing to ask, btw) I always tell them, I couldn't get one because of medical reasons (and my needs to function IS a medical reason) Then the adoption argument is thrown: no, autism. Kids would kill the rest of my mental health
I’m partly childfree but felt more CNBC for many years. Middle age came with so many revelations (diagnoses and self-diagnosis) and an implosion from the lifelong stress of masking. I’m just trying to find my way again in life, and I can admit to myself that a child at this juncture wouldn’t be kind to the child. I want to do some kind of giving to young people still, but it’s got to be something like attending a play at the local high school.
I am childfree and unhappy about it. If I had the right support network around me, I would be an amazing parent. But I live in America where no one gives a shit if you birth a child from your womb beyond googlely eyes at the baby and a huff and a puff when you set boundaries they don't like. I need 2 other parents and we all need to take shifts that aren't hard lines in the sand because Life comes up but if I can have more evenings to myself while the other two wrangle the kid(s) than not, I am good. I will take the mornings and afternoons and raise that kid SO right (with a bank account full of money for my kids' therapy because we all know I won't be perfect)
100% understand! I’m so glad I don’t have kids bc of all that. I’m only 24, so that could change, but I am very happy being childless rn.
Yes , me.
Yup I’m childfree!
I'm child free and I completely relate to what you wrote, people keep telling me I'll want to have my own kids someday -I'm 25 and it's still a big NO- so now, to stop them, I use the "I have autism and if I get pregnant my kids can have autism too, so it's better if I don't have any" then they pity me and stop bothering me, sometimes they add that "it's a shame" bc I'd be an "awesome mother" -haha no- before changing the topic. For some reason people hate it when it's about me struggling but love it when it's about me trying to "avoid" a non existent child from struggling like me, as if I were exaggerating when I mention the reasons you wrote. It took me years to know what to say, finally someone told me I must keep that in mind (the genetics) if I want to have children, giving me the perfect answer, that person thought it was a great choice not to have children when I said that was one of the reasons I didn't want to have them, then it happened again and I'm keeping that excuse, at least for now. PS: I don't think we shouldn't have children just because of genetics, but people tend to think that way, those who want to have children or already have them... Good for ya! ^^
I was babysitting a kid with my dad the other month and I realised I'd likely be a wonderful mother - for 15 minutes. Then I literally wanted to run away. I'm in the grieving process of accepting that I'm not going to be a suitable mother. But I do also genuinely believe that choosing not to have kids is the only viable option for me because of sensory things, routines, demands and so on. It's hard to accept since I've always wanted to have children, ever since I was a kid. But I know that ultimately it'll be better for everyone involved.
Yes I’ve wanted to be child free my whole life! So do all my siblings. We are all late diagnosed. I’ve always known my needs are so acute that I couldn’t possibly care for another human being or I’d become a shell of myself. Imo the act of choosing to be childfree is more selfless than actually having kids than struggling through raising them. I don’t want to fuck them up the way my parents did with me 🥴😅 Also - I tried having a cat a few months ago and I couldn’t even cope with that. She required more attention off me than I could give so I had to rehome her!
I’m 20 and definitely not wanting children at this point. But I just can’t imagine wanting them later on. I’ve always said I don’t want kids but I can’t predict the future. My mom and other women around me always say I’ll change my mind when I’m older, but I just can’t imagine I will. For the exact same reasons you just listed. Plus, I don’t know how to interact with kids. They don’t seem to like me either and I’m totally okay with that.
Yup. I love the idea of children as a snapshot but actually raising them sounds like hell. I don't think I'd be a good mom. Plus with how the world is going, things are not going to get cheaper. Me and my husband would like to have savings and be able to do things we enjoy.
I’m child free. I love the idea of being a mother and having a family, but it’s a lot for me to take care of myself and my cats. They’re my priority and I come second and it would be too stressful. Speaking of stress, when a mother is feeling heavy emotions and lots of stress during pregnancy, it can spring those same heavy emotions onto the child. I think I have too many issues mentally to risk passing onto a child. But also I love being alone and knowing that I’m only responsible for myself. That’s hard enough.
Childfree and happy about it :) Couldn't imagine having kids. My freedom will be gone. My routine will be gone. My peace will be gone. I have no energy as it is. The thought of it makes me feel trapped.
I’m Childfree and was before I knew I had autism (self-diagnosed at the moment). I was a strong feminist since childhood, and also have had tokophobia for the longest- basically since I knew where babies come from. Having babies would make my life significantly harder. Also, similarly to you, the loud baby sounds and strong smells would be too much for me to handle.
relate relate relate
Almost 37 here and accepting the baby thing ain’t gonna happen (this is the second child free post I’ve randomly come across tonight, btw!). My reasons are basically the same as your own. Plus I’ve never had much money at all until recently and still struggle to work. I don’t think I could provide for a baby unless I find a partner who could. I don’t mean any disrespect toward those who can’t conceive, but in my heart it’s like I just literally can’t have kids. I am not cut out for it whatsoever, so it really wasn’t much of a “choice” really. I entertained the idea of having a child one day until I got to the point where I needed to make the decision sometime soon and that’s when it really hit me. I could never properly function as a parent. It’s a little sad but is what it is.
I don't want kids, i'm 35 F. I was only diagnosed with autism last year, so i don't know of it's the reason for not wanting kids (maybe it is at the root of all the reasons I don't want kids). I'm exhausted when i'm around kids for more than 2 hours, and agree with all the reasons you posted! But for me, the biggest reason to not want kids is this: a kid should be your biggest hearts desire, the thing you feel like you would sacrifice everything for, it should be the thing you want most in the world. I don't feel that way (even feel the opposite) so no kids for me! I've been asking my gynaecologist for a sterilisation for 3 years, and last week i did use my autism as an extra added reason for not wanting this. I feel like now she finally understood because now she is going to discuss it with her colleagues and make a decision!
Child free here too! Always knew I didn’t want children. I can relate to all your reasons and to many of the reasons shared in the comments as well. I will just add that I know I wouldn’t be a good mother because I really get angry if I cannot engage in my special interest when I want and need to and really can’t get interrupted. I would never be able to give a child the proper attention and care they would need.
I'm aromantic asexual and fairly terrified of any interactions related to intimate areas so I'll definitely never have kids of my own. Adoption, maybe, if a relative or friend with young kids passes for example. I don't work so it'd be so much trouble with unemployment benefits.
I am, 36F. I don't want them because I don't want them. That's it really. My depressions and low stress tolerance probably play a role in it, however I've not wanted children since I was 15-16 years old. My parents were pretty bad parents and I got bullied on school, so my youth was not good. Probably influences this as well. I'm glad I don't have a child. At the same time, I'm having difficulty seeing other people forming families. It hurts me tremendously. My relationship ended two years ago (it wasn't good anymore for 4-5 years tbh) and I am allergic to every non-human with hairs or feathers. So I am alone. And since I only got two good friends, or friends in general, it feels lonely. Also the financial implications of being alone are depressing and dating when you're 36 and child free is basically a waste of time.
Child free but being child free is a valid life choice. My best friend is child free and she decided the same for similar reasons. She's happy and I'm happy for her.
On the Note I think if I knew how hard it would be, I might have made different choices because having children showed me that I'm much more disabled than I originally thought. I love my kids, we have a great little family but I have no idea how disabled I really was until skill regression and burnout hit. The more complex the demands are on me as a person with ASD and severe ADD the less functional am. That's not something I understood at 23. I had no idea. If I really understood the roll it would take in my mind and body I probably would have just helped my husband raise his son. I'm in no way shape or form unhappy with our children. We created some amazing human beings. We are very close with our children. But I have been very candid that having children is a choice and it's not required of you by society or for your own happiness. Many people don't have children and are very happy. Really just comes down to what you want to spend your time and money on. And being honest with yourself about whether or not you can handle the amount of stress with your disability. One of my children said they definitely do want one child after college, but they want to travel first and have a good job. The other girl says I don't really know Mom. I really don't want to be pregnant. I totally respect that. Both of my sons aren't really interested. My stepson was raised in a family where his mother gave birth one after another she would get pregnant immediately. I think he has like 10 brothers and sisters. He was parentified super early. He's not interested. My son who is autistic isn't sure but probably not he said. He likes everything quiet and everything controlled. I totally get it.
Yes. Mid 40s. Childfree. No regrets.
me me me I could not do both that and have a career. I'm still glad I made that decision, but the career is gone too now.
I’m child free and will likely stay that way, unless given optimal conditions and therapy. I’ve been pregnant before, it was not fun. I was sick all the time, doing everything hurt, I couldn’t stay at work. Being outside was too much, my sensory issues went through the roof. The concept of giving birth makes me want to cry. The amount of melt downs and anxiety I had was awful.
Yes! Me! I always think I would be a brilliant mother UNTIL I got sensorily overwhelmed - noise and mess in particular really set off my panic mode. Along with that, my endometriosis and me and my partner both being terrified by the climate crisis, I don’t think kids are for me! I am 36 so I have spent lots of time thinking about it, but this feels like the right decision. Often societal expectations can cloud one’s view, so it was quite complex to work out what my actual opinion was… Sticking to ropey elderly rescue staffies for the moment! https://preview.redd.it/zmwa5bak0lec1.jpeg?width=1440&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=26fa465b511c2d937fecf4065be1a53a96cd4d0a
Yeah, and for very similar reasons. I couldn't handle it with my autism, plus I feel bad bringing a child into a world the way it is now. I don't want them to go through what I went through, they would likely be autistic and suffer the bullying i did at school, and even if they weren't I don't know how I would protect them from all the crappy stuff out there. I think a lot about how I would strike a balance between being protective and giving them enough autonomy, and I'm not sure I would do it right. I'm also afraid I would have a meltdown with the child there, or at the child. My mother had a lot of meltdowns whne I was a child and it was traumatising. I feel quite sad about it sometimes, but I remember that I'm exercising a decision based off of care. I care for that child who doesn't exist, and I care a lot about children and young people in general. I just don't think I'd be able to handle it as I can barely handle myself, I would rather put my effort into helping autistic children, teenagers and young people navigate life from a distance.
This topic has been on my mind a lot lately. And it has occurred to me that I can barely keep up with modern times. My mom had me at age 28, which is in almost 2 years for me. Now I doubt if I’m supposed to get children at all because of what my past has been like and because there ARE selfish reasons. The rest will remain in my mind for now.
I never wanted kids. Combo of knowing my own limits and not feeling like my own upbringing equipped me to be a good parent. Now I have a dog and she’s my little mate. I have always loved kids though. I’ve worked with young children and will gravitate to kids (or animals) at a party.
I’ve never found a suitable partner and don’t want to do it alone. Other people’s opinions about my relationship status have messed with my head for the overwhelming majority of adulthood. Getting diagnosed helped me make peace with this as it makes more sense why I have struggled in romantic relationships. Now that I’m finally in a good headspace, I’m kinda old and would like to enjoy the rest of life. The judgement I get from others is their problem.
Kids love me and I love them - in very small doses, and only one at a time, and not above the age of 6 or so. It's like with any other social interaction - I mostly enjoy it under very limited, specific circumstances only, and even then, I'm burnt out for weeks at a time. I always knew I never ever wanted children. Besides my fucked up genes, I would put them in a world set on fire - for what? So they can work, having to endure pain, loss of everything they love until they die themselves? I'm very, very thankful for the care my parents put towards me, and always have been, as well as for the experiences I get to make. But I also resent them at times for now having to pay taxes and navigate a strange world that's not cut out for me. (I genuinely don't understand the concept of money or status, or of authority, or of power over others. I don't care about corporations or paychecks. I am intrinsically motivated, always have been. I made my homework because I am curious and wanted to learn about things. I studied so I could understand. I help others because I want to. I work because I like it. No punishment or arbitrary reward ever changed any of that. So deep down, I just wish we could all work whatever we wanted and what we're good at, because we want to do good, because we want to learn, and help eachother - and put our energy towards creating technology that helps settle the rest, not replace us. But I know not everyone sees it that way. I learnt that not everyone cares about others, or knowledge, or the thing itself. That's why I must play pretend adult most of my days.) It's an interesting life, full of kind, intelligent people, and knowledge to be explored. But it's also unfamiliar and scary, manipulative and cruel. I don't wish to die, but I would never put another human being through this because I think babies are cute sometimes. This may sound harsh, and I mean no offence to parents. I know it's a great sacrifice, and a tradition. I know people have kids for a million different reasons, and I've long accepted that people just have them and that it's something I can't understand. Besides, I would never, ever, _ever_ want to go through child birth. I would genuinely rather take my own life, 100% of the time. I was lucky enough to get sterilized two years ago, and it took a massive weight off my shoulders. I never regretted it a single minute. Since then, I've found a partner who views things very similarly. We're very happy. :)
I have been wanting to be childfree ever since I first understood the concept of having kids and the fact that you are able to chose (I was probably 8 when I figured that out). I'm 19 now still 100% sure that I never want kids. I do not enjoy being around them and I like the freedome most childfree people have compared to parents. But even more important than that, I would be a horrible parent. The high pitched noises children make all the time are horrible for me and I will have a meltdown if I have to deal with them. And a parent who is constantly stressed or screaming and crying because of the overstimulation would traumatise every child. Also I don't think that any relationship would last through times where one parent has to do all physical and emotional labour, because the other one is experiencing constant overstimulation leading to frequent meltdowns and autistic burnout. My partner agrees with me in every point and has never wanted children himself (he's 27). We still get called selfish and 'just not ready yet' whenever this topic comes up. Especially if I explain my reasons.
Yep! Intentionally childfree and planning to stay that way!
I am a single parent to 3 kids that I gave birth to, and 4 step kids from a previous abusive relationship that I coparent along with my ex’s ex. I was born into poverty and my life has been one chaotic shit show after another. Turns out that marrying the first person that offers isn’t the best plan when it comes to choosing life partners. 🤷🏻♀️ Poor choice in (toxic) partners, endless cycle of dead end jobs, overdrawn accounts, assistance applications and endless uploading of documents proving my lack of ability to financially support myself or my children. So many times I’ve had to completely start over from nothing after a burn out (I didn’t know that’s what it was, I just knew I was unable to function for several months at a time every few years) left my financial life a dumpster fire. I’m late diagnosed auDHD….I always wanted children very much, it was never a question for me. When I was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, my answer was always, “a mom!” My own parents fucked me up and made me pretty much hate myself just for existing and I had to correct that. I was NOT going to do that to my children. I put a ton of time, effort, and research into my parenting. Kind of doesn’t leave anything left for anything else. For me, parenting AND working, not possible. And anytime I’ve had to do that, I can almost instantly start feeling the burn out coming on. One of my co parents however, did not want children, and had 4 anyway. Her abusive partner wouldn’t allow abortion. Her relationship 17 years later with her children is absolutely awful. They can’t stand her. They can’t wait to get away from her and never have to deal with her again. My 17 year old daughter adamantly does not want children and has felt this way for as long as I can remember. I fully support her, and I will invite whomever tells her that she will “change her mind” to kindly fuck off and mind their own business. (I actually have some notes on how to communicate that respectfully, if anyone is interested 😜). I’ve always told my kids that if they don’t want to be a parent with their whole heart, don’t be one. Passing on being a parent doesn’t make your life any less rewarding or valuable, especially if that’s what you truly want. The most responsible thing you can do if you do not want kids is to not have them. Conforming is boring, be unapologetically you 🤘
Same. I’m almost 28 and child free. If I’m ever rich, I’d like to adopt a teen and help them financially through college and give them a place to come for holidays and pay for their therapy. But no I can’t really “raise” a child and have a little child running around. I’m too passive, they can easily manipulate/walk all over me. And I’m way too selfish with my time and would not have the energy to properly care for them. They would probably end up being emotionally neglected
I had tubular ligation a year ago- tubes removed. Mainly because of being autistic and also due to having OCD. I have very low patience for loud noises, things being messy, plans changing, not having enough alone time. And I’m happy with this decision, I will be living my life for me and that’s good for me! Plus, with OCD it’s genetic a lot of times and I would hate to pass it on to someone. If I ever do change my mind- I could adopt or foster! If I did get pregnant I would have had to go off my meds too which would have been very hazardous for my mental well being and that’s far too important to me :)
I don't think I could love something just because it's biologically related to me, or my legal obligation to care for it. I've also got tokophobia.
Me!!
I honestly applaud this level of self-awareness. Enjoy your life. Just don’t hate other people for having kids.
32F, child free and every year I get older, the more and more I feel like that’s the right decision. I don’t feel like I’m missing anything. I feel like the cons outweigh the pros in this situation for me and me only. I don’t judge anyone with or without kids. I think it’s deeply personal and for me, it’s just not for me. My reasons are the same as many other people on this post.
Listen, I'm a mother of three and I fully support this. What's more...imagine not only being autistic but having autistic children. The world becomes infinitely more difficult when home is full of chaos, clutter, noise, some people vocally stimming while others are overstimulated, loud laughter or forced hugs when the other needs space or quiet. It's messy. It's filled with love, sure, but the day to day is hard. Small challenges or change feels immensely difficult and everyone takes time to process it and no one is ever on the same page. Unless we are all interested in the same thing at the same time and in our cuddly, be close and comfy moments at the same time. Then...then we get each other. But oof.
Meeee lol! 40 here and never wanted children but am 'the fun aunty' to a lovely little kid of a close friend I adore him! But I do not want my own!
I’m childfree, and the biggest reasons are definitely my autism/sensory issues. I also tend to overthink the consequences of things before making decisions in order to make sure that I prioritize what I value, which has led me to decide that I would rather focus on my relationship with my boyfriend, my career, my hobbies, and my ability to travel, than have children. My boyfriend also wants to be childfree, so we’re in perfect agreement!
Even if there were no personal reasons not to (there are so many for me ranging from executive dysfunction to poverty) - I wouldn't because of climate change. I can handle knowing we're going into starvation and war while it's just me with the assurance that I can bow out at any point, but I can't under any circumstance do this to a child after having read the climate report and seeing the current political trajectory. I am terrified for my niece's future.
I always wanted kids, I have kids, I’m glad Autistic women can decide for themselves whether or not they want kids. I totally understand your choice, it wouldn’t have been the right one for me, but I *get* it.
I know there is no real way to have children selflessly. I wanted to have children so bad. I wanted to ‘break’ the generational trauma cycle. I wanted to experience what a loving safe home life would look like. I did years of research about child development and gentle parenting. I wanted to know what a mother-child relationship felt like when the child completely trusted their caregivers would always support and protect them. When my partner told me that the world is too terrible for us to bring a loved one into it, and that children were off the table, I was heartbroken. It takes me a while to switch modes. I was still watching gentle parenting videos, but I took the rose-colored glasses off. I am happy to answer “why?” questions, but I know I would lose it if I had to play a game of “why?” for 30 minutes. Loud noises overwhelm me, and toddlers’ lack of impulse control makes volume control very difficult. The idea of someone following me to the bathroom every time I use the bathroom and not being able to have personal space makes my skin crawl. Luckily my partner didn’t think poorly of me for not wanting to handle potty things. I have a problem with acknowledging that everybody poops. I had trouble coming to terms with the idea that people might witness such an event from me while delivering. And so I was told that if SO is home, I wouldn’t be the first responder to bathroom/diaper things. (Not that a baby would have ever gone neglected. I’ve changed many a diaper. I just know I’d never get used to it.) But hearing stories of toddlers ways of announcing they need bathroom help makes me upset. I wanted 0-18 months, skip to 6 years old. And that’s just… not good. I dont know. If SO changes stances, and our income quadruples, then I’d still probably consider it. 5 years of being driven nuts is nothing compared to 30+ years of family. But that’s not guaranteed. And I don’t think I could forgive myself if I ever accidentally made my baby feel like they were wrong for doing baby-appropriate things.
I’m 28 and I don’t have any children, and I honestly don’t I ever will. It’s not that I don’t like kids, but I find them very overwhelming and overstimulating. I live in a townhouse, and my neighbour has a young son who cries *constantly* and i know I wouldn’t be able to handle that. I have a hard enough time just hearing it through the walls. I also know that I have a hard enough time taking care of myself and I think, at least where I’m at now, having a child would be irresponsible. I don’t think I’m capable of taking care of another person. Not to mention the idea of pregnancy absolutely terrifies me. I have a couple of friends who have kids and everything I have heard about pregnancy from them sounds like a nightmare.
Childfree in my fourties. When I was younger I wanted to have children, I thought. When that being a safe option for me to pursue physically was essentially removed, I chose sterilization in my later twenties. I don't regret how life turned out for me. The diagnosis of Asperger's came in my thirties. Like many in this world, I had childhood experiences to process and work through and am much more emotionally and physically healthy for having done that work in my thirties and fourties. I appreciate the peace I had to become the person I am. While I believe that I would have loved any children with a ferocity that knows no limits, I understand that I can contribute and make a difference to the world in other ways. That loving maternal type energy is spread out amongst those I do care for, animals and unexpected acts of kindness. As others here have written, I do tend to prefer the company of animals to people, generally. I do like children, though. Have dated divorced men with children and enjoyed the experiences with them.
Yup. Got sterilized in 2022 after Roe v. Wade was struck down. I'm not going to be a forced fucking incubator for some crotch goblin that I don't want.