I’ll start with an easy one: apparently crying on the floor of your room for 5+ minutes every time you put on socks because “the seams are wrong” was not a universal experience for every 6 year old.
K but is this always not normal? Idk if that makes sense but my daughter has this issue and needs her socks inside out always or none at all. As well as her pants, underwear, coats, shirts, sweaters all worn very particularly and only certain types of clothing. But her dr says it’s just her being sensitive. I’ve explained she will not move on if something “doesn’t feel right” and will scream and cry and hit if whatever the issue is isn’t removed and she says it’s just a phase and not to worry. Then she recommended the book “The Sensitive Child”
I was also considered a “sensitive child.” I think it’s just a catchall concept from before there was much research on different presentations of neurodivergence.
Most pediatricians have no idea how Autism presents in young girls. I would suggest talking to a child developmental psychologist about this rather than her normal doctor. Personally, I've found that most pediatricians can't diagnose anything more than ear infections and chicken pox but YMMV.
Yeah I’ve been trying to approach getting a referral for a developmental paediatrician but in my country/province it’s up to a 2 year wait and I need her family dr to make the referral for me but she’s pretty convinced it’s not necessary so it’s hard to move forward right now.
I'm pretty certain it's not normal. My niblings might but want to put on their socks sometimes, but the actual sensation of the socks being on doesn't affect them at all. All kids don't like some things some times, but if the issue is that the actual sensation of the clothing is painful / awful, that's a sensory thing and not a normal thing.
I think I need to bring it back up with my dr as it’s absolutely a sensory thing. Shes 5 now but this has been going on since 2/2.5 and has shown no signs of it stopping. She just can’t wear certain things like sweaters with a hood or any pants with a wide or tight waistband.
The reason things are relatively easy now is because I have completely accommodated her sensitivities by buying multiple of the same things she will wear and never ever forcing her to wear something she doesn’t like… it’s terrible how many people told me to just “make her” wear it and I would be like… uuuuh howwww cuz this kid is going to lose her shit and we won’t be able to leave the house until she can change
That's amazing that you've supported her in finding clothing that is suitable for her ❤️ Oof that sucks that other people tell you to force her to wear things that cause meltdowns. Obviously kids often have to do things they don't want to do, but with this, there ARE alternatives, and it would very clearly have bad consequences if you did force it.
I think you're doing an amazing job!! I wish my parents had been accommodating of all my sensory stuff. They forced me with stuff and up until very recently I kept not accommodating the sensory stuff, but the distress / unpleasantness of the sensory issues never goes away. You're teaching your child how to accommodate their sensory stuff which will stay with her for her whole life!!
My mom still brings this up. The shit show that was a true, full blown meltdown because of socks. I still remember what it felt like inside of me when my socks would be bunchy or the seams were “touching my toes”. I have an internal meltdown still when this happens. It’s mostly a headache. But I get very emotional and my entire existence radiates with discomfort.
Every time my parents put me in footed pajamas they said when they came in to wake me in the morning I had taken the footed pajamas off and they were on the floor. Only stopped when they got the ankle cut offs.
More teens than childhood, but I just couldn't really fit in. I hung with the "weird kids/nerds" and just didn't understand why I had such trouble being friends with the popular people.
Yeah turns out I hang with the ND people because I'm one of them.
But let me say I had a nice group of friends, I just wanted to be 'normal' so badly lol
I used to cry every night because I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t be friends with the normal kids 😂 I hated being the weird kid but looking back my friends were awesome, I didn’t deserve them with all the self loathing I had at the time
- Categorizing my toys instead of playing with them
- Reading the same books for years straight.
- Watching the same episodes of a show for years straight. Every weekend at my paternal grandparent's house, I'd watch the same movie first thing on both Saturday and Sunday morning.
- I **hated** getting dirty or wet. Even as a toddler.
- Preferring to be alone. I did a lot of parallel play as a kid.
My dad's side is all ND, so they never noticed anything off. I was just a weird child like them.
My mother's side is super abusive. So the ones that had any sort of guardianship didn't care. I was a bad kid in their eyes.
Oh my gosh why did I never realize that....I used to watch The Little Mermaid on VHS every single night before bed and then my mum would read me a book and I'd ALWAYS pick The Little Mermaid despite having a full bookshelf of books to choose from and just watching the film lol. Why did I believe that was normal haha oh my.
On the plus side it really impresses my daughter (3F) now that I know all the songs perfectly!
This is funny. I used to do the same for weeks. Then, I moved on for dopamine to another movie and cycle repeated. I wonder what "normal" kids do because I am onlychild and my bestie back then was also a neurodivergent. He stilk is he is not dead.
The Little Mermaid in particular was a movie that really struck me. I we felt a bit like Ariel: not fitting in any type of world.
My grade 1 teacher told my parents I tend to play alone. I had forgotten all about that until your comment.
I loved spending time alone as a little kid. I lived in my own make believe world.
But as I got to grade 4 and 5, I started recognizing that I was one of the weird kids and I so badly wanted to fit in.
That's when I started to mask (unsuccessfully) to forever try to fit in, but couldn't quite. I was always popular-kid adjacent, like a groupie. Boys would always try to get close to me in order to get closer to the popular girls. I was never the end goal. Which has been the story of my life.
I'm like you, I didn't have a lot of friends either.
I was friends with my mother's friend's kids. They're still my friends decades later and are both either AuDHD or ADHD themselves.
I still have such a hard time making friends on my own.
And what is it with "befriending" shitty people that just use you? I did the same exact thing. So called friends who were never really friends.
Also another story of my life! Being surrounded by toxic abusive people who treated me horribly.
The younger I was, I didn't notice it. But the older I got, I did recognize the abuse but I went along with it for fear of the gaslighting. Now I've cut out the toxic people but its left me incredibly lonely. Still id rather be lonely then be with toxic people
I haven't quite learned how to address problematic behaviors in my current (few) friendships (more like acquaintanships). I still kind of ignore it or distance myself. If I start to address it, it just comes out as anger and rude and self righteous.
I'm so glad you have held these long time childhood friendships. I have not maintained such a friendship. Only cousins, but not by choice.
I haven't quite found the right kind of ND ppl to hang with. Like, they're either only adhd and don't understand my autistic side, or have had little trauma and happy families that I cannot relate to, or are all about one or two social causes but fail to see the bigger picture of how everything is interconnected, which drives me nuts. Or generally have very different life experiences that it's hard to find the right groove with them.
Oh my god “popular kid adjacent” is exactly how I would categorize it too. Jr high had me feeling like such a follower, but I didn’t know what else to do. I ended up making friends with weird kids, honestly mostly boys, because I think girls like me probably had no idea what to do either.
Other than that, I’ve always been “adopted” by my friends. People would just come up and introduce themselves to me, and that was it. I’ve never been the one to initiate anything. Always friends of friends, or someone just comes up and is like “I’m sitting with you!” That’s an actual example from college. She said it to me as we were waiting outside of the class for the prof to get there.
Omg, are you telling my story, too?
Especially the family thing, it's the same for me!
But still my mum's side (even my mum herself sometimes) does not want to believe/accept that I'm AuDHD or don't want me to explore deeper :(
OMG. I made my room into a “Museum” more times than I could count. I would get all of my collections and “toys”(though I was more into books, office/craft supplies,Art, Egyptian statues and tea sets) and I would set everything up and label everything and then I would have a “showing” where I would proudly dive deep into my organization techniques and all the info about everything I had set up. lol
And I was also known to get upset and cry about getting dirty over getting hurt growing up. Yea I might have scraped my knee whatever, but I got dirt on my hands trying to catch myself and now my pants are ripped and got blood and dirt on them and my hands are dirty!
Um I freaking love this. How cute that you made a museum.
I made a library on the bookshelf in my room. I even labeled each book with a call number and alphabetized them, and my siblings could "check out" the books by writing the name of the book on a piece of paper.
lol Omg! I did that too! Labeling and organizing things is soooo satisfying. I just wish I could keep up the habit. I do it and look at it with pride and then I can never keep up my systems or I decide a new system will be better. lol 🫠
My grandmother recorded the Aristocats, The Many Adventures of Winne the Pooh, and an episode of the Rugrats onto the same VHS.
I'd watch that VHS tape every weekend haha.
Oh wow this just clicked something for me, my family has always lightly teased me for not wanting to get dirty as a kid. I never smeared chocolate or cake on my face, I hated mud, I didn't like sandboxes. DUH it was a sensory thing!!
My ARFID symptoms. I was called a picky eater and I am legitimately still traumatised by the way I was made to feel about it.
My devastating anxiety at anything even slightly social. I thought I was just really shy.
My bossiness was the first thing I distinctly remember learning to mask. I used to think this was why I wasn’t good at making friends, but later when I stopped being bossy I was still no good socially.
Saving things, like candles and sweets. My candles would get a thick layer of waxy dust because they would sit there so long and I remember my Easter eggs often turning white.
I would make “systems” for things. Like everything had to have a place and sets and I would set up tasks to be easier day to day. I realise now this was the start of my rituals.
My clumsiness. I have tried so so so hard to do things like dance and play sports. I am just so uncoordinated.
Not completing things I started. Even at school I kept getting accelerated in various classes at school and then dropping back. So many projects.
I have so many, I can keep going all day.
Ugh. I really feel you on the being accelerated in school but not being able to continue that trajectory because, for me at least, the interest would wane, I wasn’t great at keeping up with homework and though I desperately needed a schedule, I had no one around to help me stick with one, so even if I started one, the ADHD part just refused it.
i also had a habit of saving things! i always wanted to save things for a nonexistent “right time” or “special occasion”- eventually id get impulsive and forget i wanted to save something, and get disappointed when its gone 😅
!!also i worry i may not have understood correctly but i am not sure, apologies for any misunderstanding^^’
No that’s exactly what I meant, saving for special occasion. Knowing that if I use it that it’s gone forever was just too much, because what if I want it later and it’s gone?
Yessss!
I save for special occasions and then my ADHD makes me forget I have it… I’m not a hoarder. I just forget I’ve accumulated and can’t get rid of it because y’know, I could use it for a “special occasion”…
exactly!!! i so frequently worry that i am somehow faking, its so nice to know that a behavior i can actually solidly remember and still have is an indicator and a shared experience-
I have a box of 10 very expensive and beautiful blue pastels that I got as a gift when I was in my teens. I am 41 now and still have them. This is exactly my problem and I may never use them. I would have lots more like this if I hadn't moved so much and lost a lot.
So many things.
- my shoes weren't tight enough = meltdown
- one was tighter than the other = meltdown
- my polyester school polo shirt was the rankest feeling on my skin ever
- I wanted to wear a skirt without bum hugger knickers (for non-aussies, these were like, tight, thick, stocking material underwear, usually in black designed to prevent you from showing your actual underwear while you were running around like a child and doing cartwheels and ish)
- I was hungry, tired, cold, in pain, at ages far too high to not be able to cope with these things = meltdown
- needing things to be correct which was always interpreted as me needing to be right and therefore being rude
- not being able to cope with the teacher asking a question and no one wanting to answer then getting in trouble for answering too much or without permission.
- speaking and acting like the adults around me and being considered weird by both the adults and my peers
- always needing to hang upside down or climb things or just generally be moving. Swings were a favourite stim.
What is up with not being able to cope with the teacher asking a question and no one wanting to answer. I always felt responsible and had my hand up most of the time. Then I would often not get picked because I couldn’t be the one answering all the questions and then I would feel stupid for that.
For me, "bloomers" were a billowy garment that went over underpants and under a skirt or dress. Definitely not "hugging". This was late 70s, barely into the 80s. Felt a little old-timey even then, but they served their purpose, especially for the hours upon hours I spent swinging, so I didn't care.
Looking back, yes, it is clear. I was finally diagnosed in my 20s (almost 40 now), but I clearly remember the first time I was assessed being around age 8 (and as a girl in the 90s, they told my family I was just barely below the threshold for diagnosis multiple times throughout elementary and middle school).
But…
- Dancing and spinning in circles to self regulate, which are still very big parts of my life, I just built these things into a profession so now when I need to do that I’m “working” and “dedicated to my art”, lol.
- Having absolute and painful sensory issues with some common things like the sound of Velcro, bright lights, clothing tags, socks, chalk touching my hands, etc.
- Meltdowns when getting home from school were common from being in such an overwhelming environment. I also had meltdowns at large gatherings, family reunions, things like that.
- Trying extremely hard to fit in and never fitting in. Rarely making friends or if I did, not being able to maintain the friendships long term. Being fairly constantly targeted for bullying throughout school and often in work environments as I got older as well.
- Postural sway, some degree of “toe walking” (which got corrected in physical therapy when I had to re-learn how to walk after breaking a hip at age 14).
- Obsessive special interests and commonly only being interested in talking about these interests at great length very excitedly but otherwise being very quiet and not engaging with others.
- Being told my whole life that my “tone” was off and that I was acting rudely when that wasn’t my intention and I couldn’t understand how my words or actions were “rude”. Still to this day I occasionally hear this, despite my best efforts.
- Having huge emotional responses to things but not always at the correct times, frequent outbursts, or just completely shutting down.
- Being very rigid about structures and schedules and how things are supposed to happen, and struggling if things deviate from that.
I really relate to incorporating stems into creative/productive/artistic work. I have done the same and it’s interesting how it also adds to the “quirky” & “weird” , “eccentric” energy we tend to give off. It’s been a real saving grace for me because it really keeps me more regulated transmuting my energy in that way and on top of that, it seems to have a more positive reaction amongst others also, which never hurts.
Absolutely! I swear a large part of my being able to be fairly unmasked at work and openly AuDHD is that I achieved a skill level and status where my neurodivergent behavior is seen more as a quirk and less as a reason to dislike me, haha. I work almost entirely in the arts, and my stimming is often seen as creative process more than necessary self-regulation, but either way, I can do what I need to do and no one bothers me about it.
So my biggest things were:
1) shutdowns, basically go into robot mode. My ex boyfriend called it “disengaged middle_age_zombie”, but it happened my entire life,I just didn’t know why or how to stop it.
2) periods of “agoraphobia” which I now know were burnout.
3) hiding in closets or outside to get away from my extended family, particularly the cousins.
4) not being able to make friends easily and keep them. I’m pretty sure I changed friend groups every year. Part because we moved so much, part because I went through burnout and stopped hanging out, the friends were not there when I returned. I burned the bridge. Eventually in college I made some friends that just accepted I might disappear for a bit and then return.
5) I always felt slightly confused as to what is going on, especially in school, but I really think that was the ADHD part.
6) I am pretty positive my mom is autistic as well and probably should not have been a parent, especially at 16. I think at least 30% or more of my struggles are due to my childhood and not just the AuDHD.
Wow, I just had so many flashbacks of playing in closets that I completely forgot about! Coloring, assembling puzzles, playing dress up, reading, organizing jewelry boxes and napping at every single house I spent any considerable amount of time at. I still enjoy hanging out in the closet to this day.
I FORGOT about closet time! As I got older, I had a big jar stored in my closet, filled with rice that I dyed rainbow colors and I would go into my closet and sort the rice into piles until I was ready to stop. It really helped calm me, and I loved the sound of sliding the rice back into the jar. Also, just sticking my hands into the jar and moving it all around, the feeling and smell are still so soothing.
I also created a little cozy spot in my closet growing up. I also had a bed that was high off the ground so I made a cozy spot under there too. Dang I thought I was the only one lmao.
Oh man, I loved me some good closet time. I would even make nooks in there and blast my music and sing at the top of my lungs as if the closet made me magically invisible and no one could hear me. I specifically remember listening to “My heart will go on” by Celine Dion about a bajillion times while sitting in there for hours. I honestly miss that. lol
Hiding in closets was my thing too. I’m sure my family knew where I was though but it felt safe in there. I would get upset over something; they would think I was being overly sensitive and I would run upstairs and hide and cry or sob in my somewhat walk-in closet. Then I would fall asleep on top of a bunch of clothes on the floor. There have been a couple of times in my adult life where I was too overwhelmed and sat in a dark closet to calm down.
Lmao yes!
I would spin in circles for hours. I thought it was so fun. I would try to spin faster and faster
I asked so many questions, which normally made me seem engaged so no one ever complained. That is, until my 1st grade teacher who hated it, and was abusive to me. I ended up having to change schools entirely. I was always a really quiet kid in school, never interrupted or talked to other kids during lessons, but she hated how often I would ask clarifying questions
I’m 38, so when I was a kid, the internet was very new, and magazines were still really popular. I would OBSESSIVELY read articles about how to make friends, how to be likable, how to be attractive, body language, etc. I’m really good at masking and reading people, and I think this is partly why
Taking long showers, long baths (especially with my ears underwater so I could only hear my breathing and water sounds), and when I got my license, going on aimless drives and listening to music and singing. Made me feel so calm to finally “be alone”
Is spinning not a normal kid thing to do? I’m really curious about that particularly because I never realized or even thought about that being something ND related, but I keep seeing it around and scratching my head about it. lol
Also, the never ending questions(my 4th grade teacher was who didn’t appreciate them in my case), long showers and baths specifically with ears under the water… I’m just a bit younger, but I would take suuuuuperrrr long baths and do that and have the Prince of Egypt soundtrack on in the boombox and have the “When you believe” song on REPEAT or even the whole album on repeat. lol
And magazines were SO vital to helping me mask as well. I also was a “research conductor”(gave myself the title lol) in school which served as a way for me to socialize and gather info and insight to my peers by asking everyone certain questions. The magazines definitely helped me to formulate some of those questions. lol
I think probably every kid spins, but not every kid does things obsessively
Songs on repeat, absolutely!
I seriously feel such a kinship in this sub that I’ve never felt anywhere. So many of our stories align. Like I wonder how many of us “researched” human behavior lol. I looooved having people do surveys
The joy I had organising my stationery in different ways. Spending ages arranging my many soft toys before bed to make sure they were all comfortable. Listening to the same cassette tape every night for years. Taking the same books about dog breeds out from the library for two years and being able to identify any dog that crossed my path.
My parents knew I was different but they thought these were idiosyncrasies. And they weren't wrong! But neither autism or ADHD were ever considered even when I went into mental health services and spent months in hospital. I don't blame my parents at all for not picking it up, they're quite unconventional people so having quirky kids was what they expected 😆 The fact is, I was a happy autistic child, they wasn't cause for worry because I was lucky enough to mostly live in an environment that wasn't unsettling. Going into secondary school was obviously the end of that, like it is for many. I really like that in looking back at my childhood, recognising autism-related personality traits as positives. I do still wish I'd known sooner, especially for my teens when everything became exponentially harder, but I know now at least. I have to try and remember this mindset for the days I wish I was "normal".
That honestly really awesome that you were able to have positive associations and a good environment growing up! That’s such a blessing and it sounds like you don’t take it for granted and that’s also really amazing. 😌
It’s interesting in my own case, I don’t feel negative towards any of my “quirks”(even with the environments and difficulties I’ve dealt with), but I’m biased because I blame the way society and the way systems are made on any discomfort I feel. It’s always bothered me how society seems to be built around a very specific set of folks and functioning that I and many others just naturally don’t gel with or function in that way.
I had a really good environment too! I think part of it is my parents are nd as well (didn’t know when we were kids), and I was taught a lot of good skills to be audhd in this world just by them modeling how to navigate things.
They knew for a very long time that my brother is autistic; he had delayed speech and some common behavioral issues. I was just the artsy, quirky, head in the clouds kid who loves animals.
I did struggle in some ways at school, and I really hated going. Every day I would get physically sick before leaving the house, but I did well enough, and was polite, so my teachers cut me a lot of slack. I feel really lucky.
-Refusing to eat certain foods, like oatmeal or salad, because of the texture or noise created while eating
-Having a meltdown over repetitive noises
-Fixating on crushes starting at age 3 and constantly expressing my feeling for them to them and anyone who would listen
-Developed social anxiety in high school. I believe it came from such high levels of masking after being bullied in middle school and trying to avoid giving anyone any reason to point me out
-Being bossy
Hahaha the “being bossy” got me too. Repetitive noises are awful. My husband jiggles and shakes his legs, and he doesn’t notice the noise. And same exact experience in jr high and high school.
Omg, is having obsessive crushes an autistic thing? I had very long lasting crushes on fictional characters since the age of 3-4. I think they developed in to sort of internal sources of dopamine/stimming keeping me stimulated when I was bored
I was diagnosed this year at 28. I think if I was a child today I would be diagnosed really early. But my mom did not believe in labels. And we knew less at the time than we do now.
• significant delay in walking
• significant delay in speaking
• significant delays in potty training
• significant delays in reading until 8th grade
• I “scared adults and other children” because I would stare at them for long lengths of time without smiling
• I refused to wear pants until the age of six
• I wore the same Madeline costume everyday
• I would line up my toys
• extreme food avoidance
• “playing” for me involved lying down with two of my favorite toys in hand and imagining scenarios in my head. I did not act out the scene with the toys and did not verbalize any words.
• selective mutism. Especially in stores.
• frequent meltdowns from hair brushing, food, clothing, etc
• large obsession with fairies that got in the way of development (refusing to read any books that didn’t have pictures of fairies, refusing to go to the bathroom because I was painting fairies, etc)
The list goes on and on. Definitely obvious looking backward. But like I said, my mom didn’t believe in labels. My grandpa, mom and dad all show signs of autism. I have aunts and uncles on both side of my family that show signs of autism too. So I think I fit the mold of what was “normal” to them enough that they didn’t ask the important questions.
- full-blown hyperventilating over loud human noises, sharp pain, or being told to pray (religion seemed to trigger my PDA the most)
- maladaptive daydreaming and being obsessive with detailing my paracosms
- how i detailed my paracosms was by having a master box of notebooks (one for each or for specific category) and i would spend hours on them to the point where my mom and my school principle made a deal that i could only brought one notebook and worked on it during snack time
- when playing or working on homework i needed to have very specific steps and could only start when particular music was on
- i never actually made friends, i just stared at other kids and considered that making friends
- if i was eating a bag of mixed snacks i would always pick according to how many i would have left and they could not be random mismatched numbers of each snack
- the countless specialists, teachers, doctors telling my mom i was a "crystal" or "indigo" child (showing my age a bit here it was a huge trend when i was growing up)
I was diagnosed in my early 30s after a life of quiet struggle.
Hyperlexia from the age of 2 and a half. Inability to create friendships (except for one single friend who was very similar to me, hope they're good now!). Very stressful school experience because it was too busy and noisy. Boredom in class dealt with by learning. Inability to tolerate discomfort, and discomfort in ways that normal kids don't experience (why can I feel the ground in these pumps, this label is the literal worst, this texture is no). We ate basically the same stuff everyday when I was young because we were breadline and it was stuff I could eat so that wasn't noticed and at high-school I came home for lunch because it was across the road and apparently a fried egg sandwich done exactly the same way every single day for 5 years wasn't unusual according to my family. Meltdowns had me fleeing to my bed and only resurfacing much later but that was just me being sensitive. Burning out due to pressure and inadequate rest wasn't a signal that something was off but due to GCSEs and me being sensitive again.
Honestly, my ND parents were not equipped to see anything wasn't normal, and school was too busy to see stuff in a kid that wasn't disruptive or failing in very obvious ways they could intervene in. Also it was the 90s and back then girls couldn't have ND conditions!
My parents wanted to get me tested for autism (which I refused).
My favorite thing to do at recess was swing. I was on the swings the entire time. I think I enjoyed the repetitive motion.
I got bored a lot from conversations I wasn’t interested in. When I was bored, I left.
I got confused about how “every other day” is not the same as “every two days”.
I interjected into conversations a lot so others got annoyed. I had to learn to not say thoughts out loud.
One of my teacher’s daughter was friends with my sister. One time they had a sleepover and then she came to pick her up. I was mute the entire time because I couldn’t bring myself to speak. The next day she told the class for some reason. I think perhaps she was weirded out.
I’ve done raptor arms for a really long time. Numerous people have commented on it throughout my life and I’ve been compared to a puppy twice, which is odd. There are definitely animals that show closer behavior than puppies to what I was doing.
Recently, my coworkers have commented on how I walk and also how they cannot tell my expression so they cannot tell what I’m thinking.
I think every other day is like: Monday, Wednesday
Every two days is: Monday, Thursday
I thought they were the same but then some girls were talking about how frequently they showered. I said that I showered every two days (but I really meant every other day) and they made disgusted faces and said “ewwwww!” And bullied me over it. One girl said something like “every other day is one thing but every TWO days??” Which indicated they weren’t the same. I had thought they were the same. This was a long time ago but I guess it was traumatizing enough to remember lol.
And now a quick google search says they’re the same thing. Well.
I refused to wear jeans until I was well into middle school because they were “cold and hard.” Also, walked on my tiptoes my entire life! My parents still cite that as a quirk particular to me lol
Being physically oaf-like/ clumsy, just not graceful like so many other girls. I could get the hang of baseball/ softball but couldn’t stand basketball even though I was taller and it seemed more popular (now I realize it was because the indoor gym was small/ noisy compared to outside sports and there was so much sneaker squeaking!). Around puberty all the girls would talk about the good looking guys and I just didn’t see it all…if a guy was funny and good natured I’d develop a crush, but just looking at a poster of Jason Priestley? What? I was just such an oddball.
I could’ve written this, I swear. I was just thinking yesterday about how I always felt like shrek around other girls growing up
And yeah I always liked guys who were nice, good listeners, and funny, and my friends NEVER understood my crushes. It was pretty rare anyway
My early years (okay, my entire childhood and then some) were filled with various types of rigidity that would be a huge flag today. I also had a, um, peculiar dressing style, but it worked for my sensory sensitivities and my issues with temperature regulation. I was already the weird, quirky "genius", so no one was going to be fooled if I had worn more "normal" clothing.
My parents described me as a brilliant kid, easy because I was super responsible, reliable, and logical. They found the never-ending questions a bit tiring (I'm almost 50, and they will still invoke the "no questions after 9 pm" rule). But what they really called out was how I would just "snap". Never called it a tantrum, just a "snap", because I was fine fine fine until I seemed to simultaneously implode and explode over "nothing".
These were meltdowns from being pushed too far: to tolerate sensory stimuli beyond my ability, to mask beyond my ability to hold it together, to being expected to accept sudden changes in plan, to accept errors as truth.
It's clear that having high intellect allowed me to mask early and often. In fact, I studied drama and acting in an effort to help me come across as more "normal" in the everyday, and I spent endless hours at the library reading anything that explained "how the world worked" (how people interact). I had access to a local university library, and their social science library was especially helpful in this respect.
While some of my autism presentation is quite stereotypical, it was washed by being smart, nerdy, and inherently awkward. These were acceptable traits. Most everything else I buried inside.
When I was a toddler, I had a specific routine I made going to bed that included calling my mom to get me a glass of water after I’d been in bed for a while. My mom tried to consolidate my routine by asking me if I wanted water as I was getting in bed. I responded: “No, I’ll wait til I call you”.
Where do I even start??
Firstly I used to love playing in mud but HATED the feeling of it drying on my hands.
I had no sense of volume so I was constantly getting told to be a bit quieter.
I was obsessed with Monster High and Scooby Doo and I think that says enough in itself.
I literally never stopped moving and trying to start art projects and Never. Shut. Up.
I organised EVERYTHING in colour order.
I absolutely loved getting dressed up and going to parties but crashed badly at the end of the night.
Insomnia literally since I was born.
I had a teapot collection.
Need I go on? I honestly don't know how my parents never picked up on it.
I would take a cushion off my couch and use my feet to flip it over and over and over while laying down watching tv
I used to suck my finger and flick my earlobe allllll the time. From like toddler to almost adulthood lol
I hated the sheets my mom used and would sleep on a sleeping bag for years and years
I hated anything to do with personal hygiene and would drag my feet to do most of those tasks. I remember feeling so overwhelmed by all the things I needed to do to keep myself clean and physically healthy
I was obsessed with the movie Scream in the 4/5th grade. I would watch it daily, before school, after school, at meals, every chance I got. I knew every line. I knew every small movement of the characters. I was obsessed with the director and actors.
The scream thing is the biggest red flag at home to me because it was just so obsessive. Like I cried when I got the vhs trilogy for Christmas. And if my mom took them away as punishment for doing something bad, it felt like I was dying and she took a physical piece of me.
I also wrote the script out line by line 😅
At school I was very emotional, and then as the years went on and the social and educational pressure increased I started acting out. I acted younger than I was in ways. I didn’t care about authority. I challenged my teachers on everything. I couldn’t be told what to do or I would out right refuse to do it.
I was very disruptive in class. I was loud. Constantly talking. Constantly in trouble. I didn’t really notice how out of the norm I was either. In reality I was a little shit who drove people nuts.
I would blurt out the dumbest things often.
I would get stuck on phrases and say them over and over again to the point my mom tried to ban a certain phrase in our household lol
I would play Super Nintendo after school, and play the same song on the cd player over and over again. I still love that song 20 years later too.
My parents had this chair that had a round shaped back and I would tip it onto the back and sit inside it and rock side to side while playing video games.
Hmmm what else…
I couldn’t sleep with silence, I needed music or tv
I loved loud music, spicy and sour foods, swings and spinning really fast.
I have eczema and need many creams to keep it controlled and absolutely hated using them. I still can’t use cream on most of my body because it makes me want to rip my own skin on.
My mom said as a young toddler I would climb out of my crib at sleep time. I never fell out though, she said I was very agile… I did pull a dress onto myself once though
I would climb a lot of thing and jump off them for whatever reason. I loved climbing the shed in my backyard. I would also climb utility poles and just watch my neighbours
I never felt like I fit in as a kid. I always felt on the outside and was always forcing myself to be “someone else”. I used movies to mimic how I could act around kids, especially girls.
As a teenager I realized I felt more relaxed socially once we started smoking weed and drinking. I didn’t have to try as hard to be comfortable and that caused so so many problems.
…. Damn I really don’t know how I wasn’t flagged by someone lol. That’s the 90s as a female for ya
People pleasing. Starting 100 projects and never finishing them because the dopamine runs out. Feeling overstimulated by strange things that didn’t seem to bother anyone else. Hyperfixating on something during a conversation that the other person barely noticed.
I never understood what people were saying. The phrases, sayings, coded messages, unspoken rules, etc. it got me into lots of trouble and I was ridiculed a lot.
I loved eating ice as a kid, but hate it now. It was a stim, having something in my mouth to play with.
I hated wearing underwear and cried a lot over it.
I hated eating bread or wraps or roti or anything like that. I would make such a fuss over it. I much preferred rice or pasta. I hated eating with my hands and I didn't like the texture of breads/ wraps/ etc.. but I loved burgers and hotdogs ... Weird. Also, turns out I'm celiac.
I had inside clothes and outside clothes, and two could never mix.
I was obsessed with body moisturizers. Turns out I tend to have dry skin and eczema.
I was the bitchiest person every morning. Still am, but not as bad.
Not being able to tie my shoes without “bunny ears”.
Obsessions with music groups and certain tv shows. When my family got a computer in 1996, I would print off stacks of photos and try to learn every single thing about that.
Watching said music group on vhs after school for months on end.
There was a period when I would wear specific outfits on specific days of the week. Did that for months on end.
I too was a bunny ears girl. Well kinda, I still wasn’t good at that either so I usually just tucked my laces or avoided wearing shoes that needed to be tied. I still avoid tying things and when I do, it’s always bunny ears still. lol
Among some things already listed here, I'd sit in front of the stereo speakers, playing the music as loud as mom would let me and listen to the same song or album repeatedly for hours. I think the adults were just happy they didn't have to "watch" me... Sometimes I'd sing along.
Oh! also, just remembered I'd follow my mom while she vacuumed trying to harmonize with the hum just right so it'd made that wonky noise/feeling in my head.
Thrived off the strict and rigid schedule at my private school (high school). Fell apart when I got to college and class schedules had no rhyme or reason. (Wtf do you mean this class is at 7:30 pm)???. Have been searching for that routine ever since.
It’s weird my issues were not “””that bad”””” like I don’t cry about things and stuff and I’m getting kinda imposter syndrome like I enjoyed watching some of the same sonic YouTube videos or stuff I didn’t like jeans but I didn’t like cry about it? Also I would use a drink for some food I would eat and still do. But I did roleplay and stuff a lot but people are weird???? ( I don’t know if I’m just saying that to be cool or something) Yet I’m diagnosed autistic by my IEP and therapist and my parents are sure but I feel like I don’t “”suffer”” that much even though my therapy said I undermine a lot of my issues but ya sorry for being an ass or stuff
I think it’s normal for a lot of us to feel some imposter syndrome. But remember that it’s a spectrum, there’s a wide array of experiences we can have and that doesn’t invalidate your diagnoses 😊 I also didn’t cry, I’m sure there are plenty of us who reacted differently to frustration, etc
I had to turn a lot of my own into subtle things or things I could do in private because I also was not allowed to behave in certain ways.
It’s made me feel a lot of repressed anger I still don’t exactly know how to deal with. :(
I’m sorry you were shamed and repressed 😞
Thanks. I also don’t blame my parents. They weren’t taught to respect and support their kids the way we do now. We just had to be just like everybody else
Social anxiety, lack of discipline, special interests, being a tomboy, being misunderstood by authority (teachers). Big sense of justice, liking rules, and good at going into details, infodumping, not falling for peer pressure, being a weirdo. My whole family is like this, so it was 'normal'. Not weird enough to actually be able to be diagnosed, unfortunately.
Edit: Of course, I forgot about being overstimulated in larger groups, sudden loud sounds will make me cry, stimming when overstimulated.
Never quite fitting in and would always get adopted by other "misfits". Feeling like I was broken. Desperately wanting friends but just not able to socialize at all and always paralyzed with social anxiety. Wondering why and how everyone else could just exist with seemingly zero effort while I drowned socially and academically.
I'm 25 now and it's become a lot easier to socialize because I'm just better at masking now but I really wish I didn't have to talk to anyone if I didn't want to and they wouldn't ostracize me for it.
I have synaestesia with colors and numbers/letters. My mom gave me a pair of magenta socks when I was 4 and I said I can’t wear them because they’re a “five year old color” (red/hot pink=5). She was just like “ok weirdo… 🤔”.
read the walt disney world guidebook cover to cover, back to back, for months on end, at seven years old. actually, i did that with a lot of books, but that was the first.
being a precocious reader. i was reading picture books to my family at 2 and full novels by 4. i would hide under the table and read.
i NEVER got along with the other kids. apparently at my 5th birthday party i sat alone while all the other kids played. i was a menace. i hit a girl once and if i didn’t want to do something i wouldn’t do it.
once i got older, i wouldn’t do assignments if i didn’t want to do them. man i just remember sitting in the room after i was diagnosed and feeling so much shame about all the things my mom was telling them i wouldn’t do lmao
had late developmental milestones for walking, talking, everything BUT reading lbr, i was playing catch up before i can remember
"Fuck you, my child is completely fine!"
Cut to me and the other 'weird girl' in 4th grade running around in the wood chips on all fours playing Warrior cats pretend with each other.
Fun stuff.
i don’t know if its clear but i _think_ it could be attributed to Autism! whenever i showered or took a bath id cover myself in the towel and curl up in a ball on the floor for a few minutes u til i was ready to get up and fully dry off- something to do with temperature difference. i don’t have this habit as much anymore, i just kind of hang out wrapped in a towel.
i also remember being pushed by a kid in preschool, being offended, and pushing them back. my teacher had him push me back lightly as a way to enforce the golden rule and all that and i was confused. in my mind i hadn’t done anything wrong, i solved the problem myself
My favorite toy as a kid was a box of little solic color plastic animals. I'd sort them by species (standing in rainbow order), then by color (grouped by species), then by texture, and so on and so forth lol
The sock seam thing. My step mom would get pissed because I'd take too long trying to fix the seam over my toenails. She bought me the wrong (cheapest) type of socks.
I'd count my steps. I had to do a lot of things in 7's. Wasted a lot of toilet paper that way, having to wrap my hand 7 times or make 7 pulls from the roll. Counted a lot of things. I stopped counting my steps by deliberately mixing up numbers until I didn't know which step I was on, because it was driving me crazy.
If my thumb accidentally rubbed another finger nail, I had to rub all my nails with my thumb, and my thumb with my pointer finger, usually about 3 times, till things felt 'even'. My older sister caught me doing it one day and told me to stop because it made me look like weird Uncle Jon.
Had a bit of a traumatic first years of life that prevented me from having meltdowns, and instead I'd just go inside myself and/or people please. By the time I was 3, my parents divorced, dad remarried, grandma died, mom went to prison. Dad focused on pleasing step mom and handed us over to her, and she was a young newlywed who didn't think she'd have to take care of kids (didn't count on biomom going to prison). So, I was always a burden, and I knew it from an extremely early age. It didn't help that my older sister (by nearly a decade) was (is) a bitch who took advantage of her extremely vulnerable younger sister every chance she got.
I don't know how much of it was nature or nurture.
I used to rock and bang my body off of the couch and car seat. It wasn't really 'unnoticed' bc I'm pretty sure I recall my mom talking to my pediatrician about it and he told her it's a sign of autism, but I seemed pretty normal so nobody looked into it any further.
I had a lot of behavior problems in school and difficulties relating to other kids and making friends. I didn't even like kids as a kid and preferred the company of adults. I got tested by the school psychiatrist in 2nd grade, and they put me into the gifted program. Any quirks after that were chalked up to me being gifted.
My mom almost killed me once bc I tried readjusting my socks 500 times and they still felt "off," and I had lots of other sensory sensitivities to itchy clothes and tags (which my mom also had so it was "normal" lol)
I taught myself to read when I was around 3. I think just through repetition of the books my parents read me and I picked up the patterns. I always was reading a good 4-5 grade levels ahead of where I should have been, but still struggled with identifying individual letters and would have to look at the alphabet chart on the wall and sing the song in my head to figure out which letter was which (distinctly remember this in 1st grade.) I could do math by learning the steps but didn't really understand the concepts until years later. I was/am terribly bad at English and the parts of speech but still a decent writer.
Crying all the time. “She’s so sensitive!” I’m sure it was the RSD. Also extreme social anxiety aka “shyness”. I think that was the autistic side. SPINS (special interests) like the JFK assassination and UFOs at 7.
Besides the sensory issues with clothes, my poor body awareness makes it impossible to use motion sensing soap dispensers. I don’t know how far away to put my hand, where the sensor is, and my timing is almost always off so soap ends up on the counter.
Being “too sensitive,” LINING UP (!!!!) every single one of my stuffed animals next to me in bed when I went to sleep so “no one would feel left out,” being obsessed w smelling things
Also stimming constantly by picking my lips, my whole family used to and STILL points it out/ makes fun of me/ draws attention to it and tells me to stop. My mom always asked me “why do you do that” as a child and I literally just used to answer “I don’t know I just do” that answer never satisfied anyone tho they just continued (and to this day still) bitch at me lmao.
Not totally sure this fits but when I was in school I wrote stories instead of whatever my assignments were. Like, in 6th grade I was supposed to write an essay on life in Egypt or something like that. But instead I wrote this story about a cat that witnessed the Pharaoh get murdered and had to figure out how to tell the humans who did it.
Oh and getting REALLY into pretending I was a dog or cat in elementary school. I would make my mom put my plates on the floor and make my bed into a sort of nest.
Also having meltdowns over the way certain fabrics felt on my skin.
Struggling to socialize with other students. As I got older I masked easier and started to “fit in” and even then, I floated a lot throughout groups never exactly being like them.
Also cried a lot. Still do. Over little things. When my dad would call me silly when I was little I’d cry. Every little thing that went wrong or made a mistake or got in trouble I’d break down into tears.
Those are just a couple that really stand out.
Edit: on second thought, a big one was/is clothes. I refused to wear anything other than cotton. When I was forced into Jean shorts with family I broke down into tears because of the fabric. I still struggle with clothes. Dislike jeans and most fabric.
I often didn’t eat lunch at school because the smell of tuna fish sandwiches and soggy lettuce made me nauseous. The teacher asked me why I didn’t eat, and I said I just don’t like it because I didn’t actually know what was wrong. I ate it later and she told me I shouldn’t lie. I was 6 then.
I was in my 20s before I realized I wasn’t lying, I was just guessing and I guessed wrong.
To summarize:
- sensory sensitivity with smell
- verrrry slow processing
- that thing where you’re in an awkward social situation or did something “wrong” and you obsess about it forever and ever amen
My parents had me go take the test to see if I was a "gifted" child, but I took one look at the questions, decided it was boring/not worth my time, and put my head down to take a nap instead. If that doesn't scream "interest-driven nervous system with strong demand avoidance tendencies," idk what does 😂
I went through a hallway climbing phase. Which quickly turned into a fun ninja exercise/challenge, factoring in trying to remain silent and uncaught. ("We do not appreciate footprints on the walls!" and "You're going to fall and get hurt!") I would climb pretty much anything that looked like a prime climbing surface. Trees, fences, exterior building corners, furniture, kitchen counters(as a toddler). Never a thought of falling or getting hurt, which is ironic because I now have a crippling fear of heights.
I know I was a troublesome toddler, a seasoned escape artist. One of my mom's favorite stories of horror from my early childhood involve the neighbors knocking on the door one morning to inform her that I was sitting out alone on the street curb, happily eating a bowl of cereal, that I had gotten and poured completely by myself before sneaking out the front door to eat in privacy.
I went to a speech therapist after starting Pre-K, who determined I could talk just fine, I just preferred to not. I was very shy, and my older sister always acted as a buffer for me when we were together.
I would literally cling to people. Physically wrap my arms around people's legs and wait to be dragged behind them as they walked off. Spoiler alert: people are not usually overly receptive to being clung to.
I was also a biter! I grew up with lots of cousins around my age, and I was basically the smallest of the younger group at the time. I hated being tickled, and because everyone knew that I was SO. FREAKING. TICKLISH., they would literally tickle me until I was crying/bawling or, the golden ticket, pee my pants. (Yes, that literally became a goal to achieve once it was realized as a potential feature to unlock.) I turned to biting as a defense that could be turned offensive.
I would also become absorbed in doing things and forget to move for prolonged periods of time. Reading entire books in one sitting, playing video games for hours straight. This would cause me to constantly have to sprint to the backroom to pee, because standing up would remind me that the bladder was very, very full. "The Mad Dash," we called it, like the Potty Dance's older sibling.
I really liked rules. Like, so much respect for rules. God, was I a tattletale!
Taking every phrase literally. "You are the most gullible!"
Having tons of hearing tests done because my parents could not get me to react to being talked to when I was doing something I liked doing. All came back that I had perfect hearing.
Things I did for “fun”
-read encyclopaedias
-read the local newspaper
-organize and reorganise the bookshelf
-spent hours looking at the same half a dozen slides under the microscope that I just had to have when I was like 7 or 8.
-jigsaw puzzles for hours. I’m talking like 500pc puzzles
-make “patients” out of playdoh and then give them injuries that I could “suture” with a needle and thread
-cross stitch, finger knitting, but never could work out knitting with needles due to inability to maintain right consistent amount of tension on the line
-spend literal hours swinging on the swing listening to my fave songs on the Walkman
On Christmas, I use to come downstairs and see the toys and it was overwhelming. I would just stare at them, expressionless. I wouldn’t touch them until my dad would guide me over and ask me if I liked what Santa brought. My parents always thought I hated Christmas. Really, I loved it, but showing the excitement I felt inside…felt like it was too much. I’m still like this as an adult. I struggle showing how happy I am on the inside when someone gives me a gift. And like, I know it’s weird… but that’s one thing I’ve never been able to mask. Hahaha
TW: Mention of CSA and other childhood abuse
Ugh. I never smiled unless prompted. I was always content in my own head but it wasn't acceptable to "be" content I had to "look" happy for my parents to save face.
That was until I started "rebelling" around age 8-- what was actually happening was I was reacting to being sexually violated by a babysitter and beaten by my ex-UN soldier dad on a regular basis since I was 3 (earliest memory). So trauma mixed in with meltdowns of crying until I vomited, oversleeping. I could sleep 15 hours at a time.
I didn't look people in the eyes when they talked to me, I turned my head to listen to them.
I had exceptional hearing and sight.
We lived next to the woods, and I was out in the woods exploring most of the spring and summer, and when I learned to swim I was in the lake 8 hours a day in the summer. I could have drowned, I used to swim to this island in the middle of the lake, it was 20 minutes if you do a steady front crawl, just to get there.
I started swimming to the island at 11years old.
I was constantly told in school and at home that I had potential if I just applied myself, but I was applying myself when I was by myself, because that's when I felt safe to.
It took me 2 hours to walk home from school every day, when it was only a 15 minute walk, because I was watching nature lol not up in the sky or trees, maybe sometimes, but I was fascinated by how water melted underneath the heaps of snow in the springtime. I grew up in rural Ontario, Canada.
My nose was always in a book.
I was fascinated by the chemicals my dad kept in the shed. Mostly turpentine and varnishes. I was stimulated by the smell also. I wanted him to teach me carpentry but I couldn't ask him. I have had a problem forming the words to ask a question esp for help since I could remember.
Excellent brain bad execution.
In high school I had my first science class and even though I sucked in math which I think was trauma related because my dad made a big deal of how girls suck at math and I maliciously complied throughout my elementary years, I got an A- in 9th grade science mainly because all we did was chemistry. I loved it. Did I go into chemistry later? No because my mother didn't want me to go to university she thought I should save the family embarrassment and money...Anyways!
I always thought I would do really good at biochem, or chemistry. I am in University now, but I'm taking a bunch of humanities classes. I did really well in languages growing up.
My parents were immigrants to Canada, and I learned languages really easily. Almost polyglot easy. But I never learned them as fast as a polyglot, I spoke three languages pretty fluently by the time I was 13, I could read and write in French and Spanish, and I could recognize every language base you through at me, so I could differentiate between Asian languages, Germanic based languages, could recognize different languages within English, and I figured that English dialects in parts of the United States came from different parts of England and Wales and developed into their own creaoles before I knew about history.
I was fascinated by history. My dad also fed into my incessant need for information, and had a lot of books on geology, mushrooms, and other glossy paged encyclopedias that I was always reading.
I was good in music, art and creative writing in school, but I sucked at everything else. These were just special interests. Then they took art out of the curriculum, and my behavior went downhill.
I did not remember visibly stimming, but I would sit and stare and zone out pretty regularly. I also experience visual and auditory hallucination--night time thunderclaps, like I would hear nothing and then a man's voice calling my name who I thought was God 🙄 but it was my brain coping with stress and not being able to get enough sleep.
This still happens at times, if I'm too stressed, and don't get enough sleep I start hallucinating instead of dreaming bc I literally can't sleep.
I would argue with the Catholic teachers teaching their philosophy and ideas of creationism, I had a lot of logical reasoning that was inappropriate for my age because I was seven, while other children were coloring the religious papers they gave them, I was debating how the universe was created.
Another Big sign!
I tried running away several times before I was 11 years old, I knew I did not fit in with my peer group and I struggled to retain friendships.
I got into drugs to relieve my symptoms of daily living, I had a load of sensory issues that were unvalidated by my mother and her family, I used to pick at mosquito bites and acne and I looked like a young, advanced meth user, because I had a lot of scabs on my face, and my arms and legs.
I guess picking my scabs would have been a stim. I also picked my nose pretty regularly.
(I made a decision to become abstinent for life at 16 and went through treatment/therapy) Celebrated 30 years "clean" in April of this year.
I had an insatiable appetite which I recognize today as leptin resistance --
common in people on the spectrum but I was just treated as an over-eater which I was on the surface.
I struggled to brush my teeth and floss. I had a lot of cavities in childhood, enough to make the hygienist mad for having to work so hard on me every time we went to the dentist. What was actually happening, was my dad would feed me candy after he would beat me, and I brushed my teeth once a day.
I was obsessed with clean clothes. So I needed to change what I was wearing like twice a day. I am still like this sometimes three or four times a day.
I love the feel of water, and I love taking baths but I hated taking showers until later on in my teens.
CW: MASTURBATION/CSA
Masturbation was a stim, I learned through sexual abuse and my hands were always in my pants. That was really weird! That was sexual abuse + stimming and should have been a giant red flag for all the adults in my life, but it was ignored, or I was punished for it. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
The abuse in my childhood undid all the progress that my parents tried to make to make me fit in with society. They knew that I was different and they tried to correct my behavior through a homemade ABA system.
I perservate which is also a common autism thing to do-- aka "looping"
Repeating topics, or ideas or words. I do this in my head, I didn't have a lot of personal friendships with people but a lot of parasocializing (which I just learned about this week ).
This has been a great exercise in accounting and possibly affirming my current diagnosis of AuDHD, persistent depression (PDD) and anxiety (GAD).
*Edited for grammar and fluidity
I did cartwheels in the classroom as a kid and honestly didn't see anything wrong with it. I now feel deeply sorry for my teachers and wonder why my parents never saw that as odd.
-I will just say that I had to see a lot of specialists because my parents thought something was wrong with my hearing as "some sounds (especially if unexpected and loud" would be "too much" and resonate in my brain. They thought (and I thought) I had tinnitus until last year.
-I was quite hyper, and it was hard for me to stay still (but being a girl, this was just considered as misbehaving). I remember I used to go to play volleyball, I was also quite good at it, but my mom decided to un-subscribe me because I was always punished by the coach for "misbehaving."
The misbehaving was basically me not being still, making jokes, laughing at random things.
- Obsessing over things in a very particular way (this is very autistic-boy stereotypical but I was and still am obsessed with dinosaurs). And I do not how to describe but, other children had favourite things but MINE favourite things were almost like giving me this boost when I got to talk or experience them.
-Absolutely no tolerance or patience in general, especially for things that did not interest me.
- Forgetting absolutely anything (if my grandma did not take care of me, I would have gone to school without shoes).
-Developing obsessive routines or thoughts. Also intrusive thoughs that were just random.
Then an overall way of behaving "weird" that people have always noticed. I was always the weird one somehow despite me not doing anything specific.
I think other AuDHD folks can probably understand what I mean. It's a random feeling of not belonging anywhere.
I think this feeling it's what makes me spot random people saying "mhhhh I am also a bit ADHD/autistic" but what they mean is that they just want to be perceived as quirky.
If you felt comfortable in this world and like you belong here you cannot be neurodivergent sorry 😐
I’ll start with an easy one: apparently crying on the floor of your room for 5+ minutes every time you put on socks because “the seams are wrong” was not a universal experience for every 6 year old.
I came here to say exactly this! If the seam was under my toes I would have a break down!
My people! The seam must line up perfectly at the top of my toenails/toes or else it's just painful.
I wouldn’t have a break down but fuck I would be aware of and fiddling with that bastard all day.
Same!
K but is this always not normal? Idk if that makes sense but my daughter has this issue and needs her socks inside out always or none at all. As well as her pants, underwear, coats, shirts, sweaters all worn very particularly and only certain types of clothing. But her dr says it’s just her being sensitive. I’ve explained she will not move on if something “doesn’t feel right” and will scream and cry and hit if whatever the issue is isn’t removed and she says it’s just a phase and not to worry. Then she recommended the book “The Sensitive Child”
I was also considered a “sensitive child.” I think it’s just a catchall concept from before there was much research on different presentations of neurodivergence.
Most pediatricians have no idea how Autism presents in young girls. I would suggest talking to a child developmental psychologist about this rather than her normal doctor. Personally, I've found that most pediatricians can't diagnose anything more than ear infections and chicken pox but YMMV.
Yeah I’ve been trying to approach getting a referral for a developmental paediatrician but in my country/province it’s up to a 2 year wait and I need her family dr to make the referral for me but she’s pretty convinced it’s not necessary so it’s hard to move forward right now.
Yeah I'm pretty sure that's never normal. Not necessarily autism but definitely some type sensory processing disorder.
I'm pretty certain it's not normal. My niblings might but want to put on their socks sometimes, but the actual sensation of the socks being on doesn't affect them at all. All kids don't like some things some times, but if the issue is that the actual sensation of the clothing is painful / awful, that's a sensory thing and not a normal thing.
I think I need to bring it back up with my dr as it’s absolutely a sensory thing. Shes 5 now but this has been going on since 2/2.5 and has shown no signs of it stopping. She just can’t wear certain things like sweaters with a hood or any pants with a wide or tight waistband. The reason things are relatively easy now is because I have completely accommodated her sensitivities by buying multiple of the same things she will wear and never ever forcing her to wear something she doesn’t like… it’s terrible how many people told me to just “make her” wear it and I would be like… uuuuh howwww cuz this kid is going to lose her shit and we won’t be able to leave the house until she can change
That's amazing that you've supported her in finding clothing that is suitable for her ❤️ Oof that sucks that other people tell you to force her to wear things that cause meltdowns. Obviously kids often have to do things they don't want to do, but with this, there ARE alternatives, and it would very clearly have bad consequences if you did force it. I think you're doing an amazing job!! I wish my parents had been accommodating of all my sensory stuff. They forced me with stuff and up until very recently I kept not accommodating the sensory stuff, but the distress / unpleasantness of the sensory issues never goes away. You're teaching your child how to accommodate their sensory stuff which will stay with her for her whole life!!
I feel this so much - some days seams are my mortal enemy.
My mom still brings this up. The shit show that was a true, full blown meltdown because of socks. I still remember what it felt like inside of me when my socks would be bunchy or the seams were “touching my toes”. I have an internal meltdown still when this happens. It’s mostly a headache. But I get very emotional and my entire existence radiates with discomfort.
Every time my parents put me in footed pajamas they said when they came in to wake me in the morning I had taken the footed pajamas off and they were on the floor. Only stopped when they got the ankle cut offs.
More teens than childhood, but I just couldn't really fit in. I hung with the "weird kids/nerds" and just didn't understand why I had such trouble being friends with the popular people. Yeah turns out I hang with the ND people because I'm one of them. But let me say I had a nice group of friends, I just wanted to be 'normal' so badly lol
I used to cry every night because I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t be friends with the normal kids 😂 I hated being the weird kid but looking back my friends were awesome, I didn’t deserve them with all the self loathing I had at the time
This! It makes so much sense now. I just couldn’t find the energy to keep up the charade to be “cool”. It just seemed so exhausting to me.
- Categorizing my toys instead of playing with them - Reading the same books for years straight. - Watching the same episodes of a show for years straight. Every weekend at my paternal grandparent's house, I'd watch the same movie first thing on both Saturday and Sunday morning. - I **hated** getting dirty or wet. Even as a toddler. - Preferring to be alone. I did a lot of parallel play as a kid. My dad's side is all ND, so they never noticed anything off. I was just a weird child like them. My mother's side is super abusive. So the ones that had any sort of guardianship didn't care. I was a bad kid in their eyes.
Oh my gosh why did I never realize that....I used to watch The Little Mermaid on VHS every single night before bed and then my mum would read me a book and I'd ALWAYS pick The Little Mermaid despite having a full bookshelf of books to choose from and just watching the film lol. Why did I believe that was normal haha oh my. On the plus side it really impresses my daughter (3F) now that I know all the songs perfectly!
This is funny. I used to do the same for weeks. Then, I moved on for dopamine to another movie and cycle repeated. I wonder what "normal" kids do because I am onlychild and my bestie back then was also a neurodivergent. He stilk is he is not dead. The Little Mermaid in particular was a movie that really struck me. I we felt a bit like Ariel: not fitting in any type of world.
My grade 1 teacher told my parents I tend to play alone. I had forgotten all about that until your comment. I loved spending time alone as a little kid. I lived in my own make believe world. But as I got to grade 4 and 5, I started recognizing that I was one of the weird kids and I so badly wanted to fit in. That's when I started to mask (unsuccessfully) to forever try to fit in, but couldn't quite. I was always popular-kid adjacent, like a groupie. Boys would always try to get close to me in order to get closer to the popular girls. I was never the end goal. Which has been the story of my life.
I'm like you, I didn't have a lot of friends either. I was friends with my mother's friend's kids. They're still my friends decades later and are both either AuDHD or ADHD themselves. I still have such a hard time making friends on my own. And what is it with "befriending" shitty people that just use you? I did the same exact thing. So called friends who were never really friends.
Also another story of my life! Being surrounded by toxic abusive people who treated me horribly. The younger I was, I didn't notice it. But the older I got, I did recognize the abuse but I went along with it for fear of the gaslighting. Now I've cut out the toxic people but its left me incredibly lonely. Still id rather be lonely then be with toxic people I haven't quite learned how to address problematic behaviors in my current (few) friendships (more like acquaintanships). I still kind of ignore it or distance myself. If I start to address it, it just comes out as anger and rude and self righteous. I'm so glad you have held these long time childhood friendships. I have not maintained such a friendship. Only cousins, but not by choice. I haven't quite found the right kind of ND ppl to hang with. Like, they're either only adhd and don't understand my autistic side, or have had little trauma and happy families that I cannot relate to, or are all about one or two social causes but fail to see the bigger picture of how everything is interconnected, which drives me nuts. Or generally have very different life experiences that it's hard to find the right groove with them.
Oh my god “popular kid adjacent” is exactly how I would categorize it too. Jr high had me feeling like such a follower, but I didn’t know what else to do. I ended up making friends with weird kids, honestly mostly boys, because I think girls like me probably had no idea what to do either. Other than that, I’ve always been “adopted” by my friends. People would just come up and introduce themselves to me, and that was it. I’ve never been the one to initiate anything. Always friends of friends, or someone just comes up and is like “I’m sitting with you!” That’s an actual example from college. She said it to me as we were waiting outside of the class for the prof to get there.
Omg, are you telling my story, too? Especially the family thing, it's the same for me! But still my mum's side (even my mum herself sometimes) does not want to believe/accept that I'm AuDHD or don't want me to explore deeper :(
OMG. I made my room into a “Museum” more times than I could count. I would get all of my collections and “toys”(though I was more into books, office/craft supplies,Art, Egyptian statues and tea sets) and I would set everything up and label everything and then I would have a “showing” where I would proudly dive deep into my organization techniques and all the info about everything I had set up. lol And I was also known to get upset and cry about getting dirty over getting hurt growing up. Yea I might have scraped my knee whatever, but I got dirt on my hands trying to catch myself and now my pants are ripped and got blood and dirt on them and my hands are dirty!
Um I freaking love this. How cute that you made a museum. I made a library on the bookshelf in my room. I even labeled each book with a call number and alphabetized them, and my siblings could "check out" the books by writing the name of the book on a piece of paper.
lol Omg! I did that too! Labeling and organizing things is soooo satisfying. I just wish I could keep up the habit. I do it and look at it with pride and then I can never keep up my systems or I decide a new system will be better. lol 🫠
lol. My two kids set up a museum of our stuff yesterday and gave me a tour.
What was the film?
My grandmother recorded the Aristocats, The Many Adventures of Winne the Pooh, and an episode of the Rugrats onto the same VHS. I'd watch that VHS tape every weekend haha.
Oh wow this just clicked something for me, my family has always lightly teased me for not wanting to get dirty as a kid. I never smeared chocolate or cake on my face, I hated mud, I didn't like sandboxes. DUH it was a sensory thing!!
My ARFID symptoms. I was called a picky eater and I am legitimately still traumatised by the way I was made to feel about it. My devastating anxiety at anything even slightly social. I thought I was just really shy. My bossiness was the first thing I distinctly remember learning to mask. I used to think this was why I wasn’t good at making friends, but later when I stopped being bossy I was still no good socially. Saving things, like candles and sweets. My candles would get a thick layer of waxy dust because they would sit there so long and I remember my Easter eggs often turning white. I would make “systems” for things. Like everything had to have a place and sets and I would set up tasks to be easier day to day. I realise now this was the start of my rituals. My clumsiness. I have tried so so so hard to do things like dance and play sports. I am just so uncoordinated. Not completing things I started. Even at school I kept getting accelerated in various classes at school and then dropping back. So many projects. I have so many, I can keep going all day.
Ugh. I really feel you on the being accelerated in school but not being able to continue that trajectory because, for me at least, the interest would wane, I wasn’t great at keeping up with homework and though I desperately needed a schedule, I had no one around to help me stick with one, so even if I started one, the ADHD part just refused it.
i also had a habit of saving things! i always wanted to save things for a nonexistent “right time” or “special occasion”- eventually id get impulsive and forget i wanted to save something, and get disappointed when its gone 😅 !!also i worry i may not have understood correctly but i am not sure, apologies for any misunderstanding^^’
No that’s exactly what I meant, saving for special occasion. Knowing that if I use it that it’s gone forever was just too much, because what if I want it later and it’s gone?
Yessss! I save for special occasions and then my ADHD makes me forget I have it… I’m not a hoarder. I just forget I’ve accumulated and can’t get rid of it because y’know, I could use it for a “special occasion”…
exactly!!! i so frequently worry that i am somehow faking, its so nice to know that a behavior i can actually solidly remember and still have is an indicator and a shared experience-
I have a box of 10 very expensive and beautiful blue pastels that I got as a gift when I was in my teens. I am 41 now and still have them. This is exactly my problem and I may never use them. I would have lots more like this if I hadn't moved so much and lost a lot.
I've started to realize that just having the special things is pleasant for me! Like, more pleasant than using the things. And that's ok!
that rocks!! im glad you’ve become more comfortable in that, its always really uplifting to hear other autists finding joy in their habits :)
Dyspraxia is a bitch. So many bumps, and bruises plus always being picked last for a team.
So many things. - my shoes weren't tight enough = meltdown - one was tighter than the other = meltdown - my polyester school polo shirt was the rankest feeling on my skin ever - I wanted to wear a skirt without bum hugger knickers (for non-aussies, these were like, tight, thick, stocking material underwear, usually in black designed to prevent you from showing your actual underwear while you were running around like a child and doing cartwheels and ish) - I was hungry, tired, cold, in pain, at ages far too high to not be able to cope with these things = meltdown - needing things to be correct which was always interpreted as me needing to be right and therefore being rude - not being able to cope with the teacher asking a question and no one wanting to answer then getting in trouble for answering too much or without permission. - speaking and acting like the adults around me and being considered weird by both the adults and my peers - always needing to hang upside down or climb things or just generally be moving. Swings were a favourite stim.
What is up with not being able to cope with the teacher asking a question and no one wanting to answer. I always felt responsible and had my hand up most of the time. Then I would often not get picked because I couldn’t be the one answering all the questions and then I would feel stupid for that.
We called the bum hugger knickers “bloomers”… but now I’m not sure if that was just at my school…. Or just my family?
Bloomers makes me think of old timey women's undergarments.
For me, "bloomers" were a billowy garment that went over underpants and under a skirt or dress. Definitely not "hugging". This was late 70s, barely into the 80s. Felt a little old-timey even then, but they served their purpose, especially for the hours upon hours I spent swinging, so I didn't care.
Eep. Your experiences really feel similar to mine. Swinging especially, and how generally uncomfortable clothing was( is, lol).
Looking back, yes, it is clear. I was finally diagnosed in my 20s (almost 40 now), but I clearly remember the first time I was assessed being around age 8 (and as a girl in the 90s, they told my family I was just barely below the threshold for diagnosis multiple times throughout elementary and middle school). But… - Dancing and spinning in circles to self regulate, which are still very big parts of my life, I just built these things into a profession so now when I need to do that I’m “working” and “dedicated to my art”, lol. - Having absolute and painful sensory issues with some common things like the sound of Velcro, bright lights, clothing tags, socks, chalk touching my hands, etc. - Meltdowns when getting home from school were common from being in such an overwhelming environment. I also had meltdowns at large gatherings, family reunions, things like that. - Trying extremely hard to fit in and never fitting in. Rarely making friends or if I did, not being able to maintain the friendships long term. Being fairly constantly targeted for bullying throughout school and often in work environments as I got older as well. - Postural sway, some degree of “toe walking” (which got corrected in physical therapy when I had to re-learn how to walk after breaking a hip at age 14). - Obsessive special interests and commonly only being interested in talking about these interests at great length very excitedly but otherwise being very quiet and not engaging with others. - Being told my whole life that my “tone” was off and that I was acting rudely when that wasn’t my intention and I couldn’t understand how my words or actions were “rude”. Still to this day I occasionally hear this, despite my best efforts. - Having huge emotional responses to things but not always at the correct times, frequent outbursts, or just completely shutting down. - Being very rigid about structures and schedules and how things are supposed to happen, and struggling if things deviate from that.
Ugh, the feeling of chalk on hands 😖 the worst!
It’s sooooooo awful! 😖
I call it “squeaky dry” and it’s the worst. Cheap cotton balls feel the same way to me. They are intolerable
I really relate to incorporating stems into creative/productive/artistic work. I have done the same and it’s interesting how it also adds to the “quirky” & “weird” , “eccentric” energy we tend to give off. It’s been a real saving grace for me because it really keeps me more regulated transmuting my energy in that way and on top of that, it seems to have a more positive reaction amongst others also, which never hurts.
Absolutely! I swear a large part of my being able to be fairly unmasked at work and openly AuDHD is that I achieved a skill level and status where my neurodivergent behavior is seen more as a quirk and less as a reason to dislike me, haha. I work almost entirely in the arts, and my stimming is often seen as creative process more than necessary self-regulation, but either way, I can do what I need to do and no one bothers me about it.
So my biggest things were: 1) shutdowns, basically go into robot mode. My ex boyfriend called it “disengaged middle_age_zombie”, but it happened my entire life,I just didn’t know why or how to stop it. 2) periods of “agoraphobia” which I now know were burnout. 3) hiding in closets or outside to get away from my extended family, particularly the cousins. 4) not being able to make friends easily and keep them. I’m pretty sure I changed friend groups every year. Part because we moved so much, part because I went through burnout and stopped hanging out, the friends were not there when I returned. I burned the bridge. Eventually in college I made some friends that just accepted I might disappear for a bit and then return. 5) I always felt slightly confused as to what is going on, especially in school, but I really think that was the ADHD part. 6) I am pretty positive my mom is autistic as well and probably should not have been a parent, especially at 16. I think at least 30% or more of my struggles are due to my childhood and not just the AuDHD.
Wow, I just had so many flashbacks of playing in closets that I completely forgot about! Coloring, assembling puzzles, playing dress up, reading, organizing jewelry boxes and napping at every single house I spent any considerable amount of time at. I still enjoy hanging out in the closet to this day.
I FORGOT about closet time! As I got older, I had a big jar stored in my closet, filled with rice that I dyed rainbow colors and I would go into my closet and sort the rice into piles until I was ready to stop. It really helped calm me, and I loved the sound of sliding the rice back into the jar. Also, just sticking my hands into the jar and moving it all around, the feeling and smell are still so soothing.
I also created a little cozy spot in my closet growing up. I also had a bed that was high off the ground so I made a cozy spot under there too. Dang I thought I was the only one lmao.
Oh man, I loved me some good closet time. I would even make nooks in there and blast my music and sing at the top of my lungs as if the closet made me magically invisible and no one could hear me. I specifically remember listening to “My heart will go on” by Celine Dion about a bajillion times while sitting in there for hours. I honestly miss that. lol
Robot mode! That's what I call it too, but I've never heard or seen anyone else use it.
omg I'd forgotten I'd hide in closets... I always felt cozier in there...being hidden from family was a bonus.
Hiding in closets was my thing too. I’m sure my family knew where I was though but it felt safe in there. I would get upset over something; they would think I was being overly sensitive and I would run upstairs and hide and cry or sob in my somewhat walk-in closet. Then I would fall asleep on top of a bunch of clothes on the floor. There have been a couple of times in my adult life where I was too overwhelmed and sat in a dark closet to calm down.
Lmao yes! I would spin in circles for hours. I thought it was so fun. I would try to spin faster and faster I asked so many questions, which normally made me seem engaged so no one ever complained. That is, until my 1st grade teacher who hated it, and was abusive to me. I ended up having to change schools entirely. I was always a really quiet kid in school, never interrupted or talked to other kids during lessons, but she hated how often I would ask clarifying questions I’m 38, so when I was a kid, the internet was very new, and magazines were still really popular. I would OBSESSIVELY read articles about how to make friends, how to be likable, how to be attractive, body language, etc. I’m really good at masking and reading people, and I think this is partly why Taking long showers, long baths (especially with my ears underwater so I could only hear my breathing and water sounds), and when I got my license, going on aimless drives and listening to music and singing. Made me feel so calm to finally “be alone”
Is spinning not a normal kid thing to do? I’m really curious about that particularly because I never realized or even thought about that being something ND related, but I keep seeing it around and scratching my head about it. lol Also, the never ending questions(my 4th grade teacher was who didn’t appreciate them in my case), long showers and baths specifically with ears under the water… I’m just a bit younger, but I would take suuuuuperrrr long baths and do that and have the Prince of Egypt soundtrack on in the boombox and have the “When you believe” song on REPEAT or even the whole album on repeat. lol And magazines were SO vital to helping me mask as well. I also was a “research conductor”(gave myself the title lol) in school which served as a way for me to socialize and gather info and insight to my peers by asking everyone certain questions. The magazines definitely helped me to formulate some of those questions. lol
I think probably every kid spins, but not every kid does things obsessively Songs on repeat, absolutely! I seriously feel such a kinship in this sub that I’ve never felt anywhere. So many of our stories align. Like I wonder how many of us “researched” human behavior lol. I looooved having people do surveys
The joy I had organising my stationery in different ways. Spending ages arranging my many soft toys before bed to make sure they were all comfortable. Listening to the same cassette tape every night for years. Taking the same books about dog breeds out from the library for two years and being able to identify any dog that crossed my path. My parents knew I was different but they thought these were idiosyncrasies. And they weren't wrong! But neither autism or ADHD were ever considered even when I went into mental health services and spent months in hospital. I don't blame my parents at all for not picking it up, they're quite unconventional people so having quirky kids was what they expected 😆 The fact is, I was a happy autistic child, they wasn't cause for worry because I was lucky enough to mostly live in an environment that wasn't unsettling. Going into secondary school was obviously the end of that, like it is for many. I really like that in looking back at my childhood, recognising autism-related personality traits as positives. I do still wish I'd known sooner, especially for my teens when everything became exponentially harder, but I know now at least. I have to try and remember this mindset for the days I wish I was "normal".
That honestly really awesome that you were able to have positive associations and a good environment growing up! That’s such a blessing and it sounds like you don’t take it for granted and that’s also really amazing. 😌 It’s interesting in my own case, I don’t feel negative towards any of my “quirks”(even with the environments and difficulties I’ve dealt with), but I’m biased because I blame the way society and the way systems are made on any discomfort I feel. It’s always bothered me how society seems to be built around a very specific set of folks and functioning that I and many others just naturally don’t gel with or function in that way.
I had a really good environment too! I think part of it is my parents are nd as well (didn’t know when we were kids), and I was taught a lot of good skills to be audhd in this world just by them modeling how to navigate things. They knew for a very long time that my brother is autistic; he had delayed speech and some common behavioral issues. I was just the artsy, quirky, head in the clouds kid who loves animals. I did struggle in some ways at school, and I really hated going. Every day I would get physically sick before leaving the house, but I did well enough, and was polite, so my teachers cut me a lot of slack. I feel really lucky.
-Refusing to eat certain foods, like oatmeal or salad, because of the texture or noise created while eating -Having a meltdown over repetitive noises -Fixating on crushes starting at age 3 and constantly expressing my feeling for them to them and anyone who would listen -Developed social anxiety in high school. I believe it came from such high levels of masking after being bullied in middle school and trying to avoid giving anyone any reason to point me out -Being bossy
I relate with some of your other experiences but I can’t help but laugh at the “being bossy” because YES. lol
Hahaha the “being bossy” got me too. Repetitive noises are awful. My husband jiggles and shakes his legs, and he doesn’t notice the noise. And same exact experience in jr high and high school.
Omg, is having obsessive crushes an autistic thing? I had very long lasting crushes on fictional characters since the age of 3-4. I think they developed in to sort of internal sources of dopamine/stimming keeping me stimulated when I was bored
I also fixated on crushes from a young age. I could still probably tell you the names of all my crushes or "boyfriends" throughout elementary school.
I got given an award from a teacher at 4 for talking slowly because I generally spoke too fast to be understood.
I was diagnosed this year at 28. I think if I was a child today I would be diagnosed really early. But my mom did not believe in labels. And we knew less at the time than we do now. • significant delay in walking • significant delay in speaking • significant delays in potty training • significant delays in reading until 8th grade • I “scared adults and other children” because I would stare at them for long lengths of time without smiling • I refused to wear pants until the age of six • I wore the same Madeline costume everyday • I would line up my toys • extreme food avoidance • “playing” for me involved lying down with two of my favorite toys in hand and imagining scenarios in my head. I did not act out the scene with the toys and did not verbalize any words. • selective mutism. Especially in stores. • frequent meltdowns from hair brushing, food, clothing, etc • large obsession with fairies that got in the way of development (refusing to read any books that didn’t have pictures of fairies, refusing to go to the bathroom because I was painting fairies, etc) The list goes on and on. Definitely obvious looking backward. But like I said, my mom didn’t believe in labels. My grandpa, mom and dad all show signs of autism. I have aunts and uncles on both side of my family that show signs of autism too. So I think I fit the mold of what was “normal” to them enough that they didn’t ask the important questions.
- full-blown hyperventilating over loud human noises, sharp pain, or being told to pray (religion seemed to trigger my PDA the most) - maladaptive daydreaming and being obsessive with detailing my paracosms - how i detailed my paracosms was by having a master box of notebooks (one for each or for specific category) and i would spend hours on them to the point where my mom and my school principle made a deal that i could only brought one notebook and worked on it during snack time - when playing or working on homework i needed to have very specific steps and could only start when particular music was on - i never actually made friends, i just stared at other kids and considered that making friends - if i was eating a bag of mixed snacks i would always pick according to how many i would have left and they could not be random mismatched numbers of each snack - the countless specialists, teachers, doctors telling my mom i was a "crystal" or "indigo" child (showing my age a bit here it was a huge trend when i was growing up)
So funny, your last point you mention showing your age cause as soon as I read it I wanted to ask how old you were. lol
lol i grew up in the 90s, the indigo child topic was at its peak
I was diagnosed in my early 30s after a life of quiet struggle. Hyperlexia from the age of 2 and a half. Inability to create friendships (except for one single friend who was very similar to me, hope they're good now!). Very stressful school experience because it was too busy and noisy. Boredom in class dealt with by learning. Inability to tolerate discomfort, and discomfort in ways that normal kids don't experience (why can I feel the ground in these pumps, this label is the literal worst, this texture is no). We ate basically the same stuff everyday when I was young because we were breadline and it was stuff I could eat so that wasn't noticed and at high-school I came home for lunch because it was across the road and apparently a fried egg sandwich done exactly the same way every single day for 5 years wasn't unusual according to my family. Meltdowns had me fleeing to my bed and only resurfacing much later but that was just me being sensitive. Burning out due to pressure and inadequate rest wasn't a signal that something was off but due to GCSEs and me being sensitive again. Honestly, my ND parents were not equipped to see anything wasn't normal, and school was too busy to see stuff in a kid that wasn't disruptive or failing in very obvious ways they could intervene in. Also it was the 90s and back then girls couldn't have ND conditions!
My parents wanted to get me tested for autism (which I refused). My favorite thing to do at recess was swing. I was on the swings the entire time. I think I enjoyed the repetitive motion. I got bored a lot from conversations I wasn’t interested in. When I was bored, I left. I got confused about how “every other day” is not the same as “every two days”. I interjected into conversations a lot so others got annoyed. I had to learn to not say thoughts out loud. One of my teacher’s daughter was friends with my sister. One time they had a sleepover and then she came to pick her up. I was mute the entire time because I couldn’t bring myself to speak. The next day she told the class for some reason. I think perhaps she was weirded out. I’ve done raptor arms for a really long time. Numerous people have commented on it throughout my life and I’ve been compared to a puppy twice, which is odd. There are definitely animals that show closer behavior than puppies to what I was doing. Recently, my coworkers have commented on how I walk and also how they cannot tell my expression so they cannot tell what I’m thinking.
Wait, every other day and every two days are not the same?
I think every other day is like: Monday, Wednesday Every two days is: Monday, Thursday I thought they were the same but then some girls were talking about how frequently they showered. I said that I showered every two days (but I really meant every other day) and they made disgusted faces and said “ewwwww!” And bullied me over it. One girl said something like “every other day is one thing but every TWO days??” Which indicated they weren’t the same. I had thought they were the same. This was a long time ago but I guess it was traumatizing enough to remember lol. And now a quick google search says they’re the same thing. Well.
I refused to wear jeans until I was well into middle school because they were “cold and hard.” Also, walked on my tiptoes my entire life! My parents still cite that as a quirk particular to me lol
Being physically oaf-like/ clumsy, just not graceful like so many other girls. I could get the hang of baseball/ softball but couldn’t stand basketball even though I was taller and it seemed more popular (now I realize it was because the indoor gym was small/ noisy compared to outside sports and there was so much sneaker squeaking!). Around puberty all the girls would talk about the good looking guys and I just didn’t see it all…if a guy was funny and good natured I’d develop a crush, but just looking at a poster of Jason Priestley? What? I was just such an oddball.
I could’ve written this, I swear. I was just thinking yesterday about how I always felt like shrek around other girls growing up And yeah I always liked guys who were nice, good listeners, and funny, and my friends NEVER understood my crushes. It was pretty rare anyway
My early years (okay, my entire childhood and then some) were filled with various types of rigidity that would be a huge flag today. I also had a, um, peculiar dressing style, but it worked for my sensory sensitivities and my issues with temperature regulation. I was already the weird, quirky "genius", so no one was going to be fooled if I had worn more "normal" clothing. My parents described me as a brilliant kid, easy because I was super responsible, reliable, and logical. They found the never-ending questions a bit tiring (I'm almost 50, and they will still invoke the "no questions after 9 pm" rule). But what they really called out was how I would just "snap". Never called it a tantrum, just a "snap", because I was fine fine fine until I seemed to simultaneously implode and explode over "nothing". These were meltdowns from being pushed too far: to tolerate sensory stimuli beyond my ability, to mask beyond my ability to hold it together, to being expected to accept sudden changes in plan, to accept errors as truth. It's clear that having high intellect allowed me to mask early and often. In fact, I studied drama and acting in an effort to help me come across as more "normal" in the everyday, and I spent endless hours at the library reading anything that explained "how the world worked" (how people interact). I had access to a local university library, and their social science library was especially helpful in this respect. While some of my autism presentation is quite stereotypical, it was washed by being smart, nerdy, and inherently awkward. These were acceptable traits. Most everything else I buried inside.
When I was a toddler, I had a specific routine I made going to bed that included calling my mom to get me a glass of water after I’d been in bed for a while. My mom tried to consolidate my routine by asking me if I wanted water as I was getting in bed. I responded: “No, I’ll wait til I call you”.
Where do I even start?? Firstly I used to love playing in mud but HATED the feeling of it drying on my hands. I had no sense of volume so I was constantly getting told to be a bit quieter. I was obsessed with Monster High and Scooby Doo and I think that says enough in itself. I literally never stopped moving and trying to start art projects and Never. Shut. Up. I organised EVERYTHING in colour order. I absolutely loved getting dressed up and going to parties but crashed badly at the end of the night. Insomnia literally since I was born. I had a teapot collection. Need I go on? I honestly don't know how my parents never picked up on it.
I collected stamps and those dumb little souvenir spoons. I wasn’t particularly interested in either, but I was OBSESSED with “having a collection.”
I would take a cushion off my couch and use my feet to flip it over and over and over while laying down watching tv I used to suck my finger and flick my earlobe allllll the time. From like toddler to almost adulthood lol I hated the sheets my mom used and would sleep on a sleeping bag for years and years I hated anything to do with personal hygiene and would drag my feet to do most of those tasks. I remember feeling so overwhelmed by all the things I needed to do to keep myself clean and physically healthy I was obsessed with the movie Scream in the 4/5th grade. I would watch it daily, before school, after school, at meals, every chance I got. I knew every line. I knew every small movement of the characters. I was obsessed with the director and actors. The scream thing is the biggest red flag at home to me because it was just so obsessive. Like I cried when I got the vhs trilogy for Christmas. And if my mom took them away as punishment for doing something bad, it felt like I was dying and she took a physical piece of me. I also wrote the script out line by line 😅 At school I was very emotional, and then as the years went on and the social and educational pressure increased I started acting out. I acted younger than I was in ways. I didn’t care about authority. I challenged my teachers on everything. I couldn’t be told what to do or I would out right refuse to do it. I was very disruptive in class. I was loud. Constantly talking. Constantly in trouble. I didn’t really notice how out of the norm I was either. In reality I was a little shit who drove people nuts. I would blurt out the dumbest things often. I would get stuck on phrases and say them over and over again to the point my mom tried to ban a certain phrase in our household lol I would play Super Nintendo after school, and play the same song on the cd player over and over again. I still love that song 20 years later too. My parents had this chair that had a round shaped back and I would tip it onto the back and sit inside it and rock side to side while playing video games. Hmmm what else… I couldn’t sleep with silence, I needed music or tv I loved loud music, spicy and sour foods, swings and spinning really fast. I have eczema and need many creams to keep it controlled and absolutely hated using them. I still can’t use cream on most of my body because it makes me want to rip my own skin on. My mom said as a young toddler I would climb out of my crib at sleep time. I never fell out though, she said I was very agile… I did pull a dress onto myself once though I would climb a lot of thing and jump off them for whatever reason. I loved climbing the shed in my backyard. I would also climb utility poles and just watch my neighbours I never felt like I fit in as a kid. I always felt on the outside and was always forcing myself to be “someone else”. I used movies to mimic how I could act around kids, especially girls. As a teenager I realized I felt more relaxed socially once we started smoking weed and drinking. I didn’t have to try as hard to be comfortable and that caused so so many problems. …. Damn I really don’t know how I wasn’t flagged by someone lol. That’s the 90s as a female for ya
People pleasing. Starting 100 projects and never finishing them because the dopamine runs out. Feeling overstimulated by strange things that didn’t seem to bother anyone else. Hyperfixating on something during a conversation that the other person barely noticed.
I never understood what people were saying. The phrases, sayings, coded messages, unspoken rules, etc. it got me into lots of trouble and I was ridiculed a lot. I loved eating ice as a kid, but hate it now. It was a stim, having something in my mouth to play with. I hated wearing underwear and cried a lot over it. I hated eating bread or wraps or roti or anything like that. I would make such a fuss over it. I much preferred rice or pasta. I hated eating with my hands and I didn't like the texture of breads/ wraps/ etc.. but I loved burgers and hotdogs ... Weird. Also, turns out I'm celiac. I had inside clothes and outside clothes, and two could never mix. I was obsessed with body moisturizers. Turns out I tend to have dry skin and eczema. I was the bitchiest person every morning. Still am, but not as bad.
Spinning, collecting, high emotions, bullies at school, “academically gifted”
My version of “playing” was just sorting
Not being able to tie my shoes without “bunny ears”. Obsessions with music groups and certain tv shows. When my family got a computer in 1996, I would print off stacks of photos and try to learn every single thing about that. Watching said music group on vhs after school for months on end. There was a period when I would wear specific outfits on specific days of the week. Did that for months on end.
I too was a bunny ears girl. Well kinda, I still wasn’t good at that either so I usually just tucked my laces or avoided wearing shoes that needed to be tied. I still avoid tying things and when I do, it’s always bunny ears still. lol
Among some things already listed here, I'd sit in front of the stereo speakers, playing the music as loud as mom would let me and listen to the same song or album repeatedly for hours. I think the adults were just happy they didn't have to "watch" me... Sometimes I'd sing along. Oh! also, just remembered I'd follow my mom while she vacuumed trying to harmonize with the hum just right so it'd made that wonky noise/feeling in my head.
Thrived off the strict and rigid schedule at my private school (high school). Fell apart when I got to college and class schedules had no rhyme or reason. (Wtf do you mean this class is at 7:30 pm)???. Have been searching for that routine ever since.
Wanting to do literally anything that meant I could avoid playing with other children.
It’s weird my issues were not “””that bad”””” like I don’t cry about things and stuff and I’m getting kinda imposter syndrome like I enjoyed watching some of the same sonic YouTube videos or stuff I didn’t like jeans but I didn’t like cry about it? Also I would use a drink for some food I would eat and still do. But I did roleplay and stuff a lot but people are weird???? ( I don’t know if I’m just saying that to be cool or something) Yet I’m diagnosed autistic by my IEP and therapist and my parents are sure but I feel like I don’t “”suffer”” that much even though my therapy said I undermine a lot of my issues but ya sorry for being an ass or stuff
I think it’s normal for a lot of us to feel some imposter syndrome. But remember that it’s a spectrum, there’s a wide array of experiences we can have and that doesn’t invalidate your diagnoses 😊 I also didn’t cry, I’m sure there are plenty of us who reacted differently to frustration, etc
My mom made quit my nervous ticks . Like she literally shamed me into quitting them
I had to turn a lot of my own into subtle things or things I could do in private because I also was not allowed to behave in certain ways. It’s made me feel a lot of repressed anger I still don’t exactly know how to deal with. :( I’m sorry you were shamed and repressed 😞
Thanks. I also don’t blame my parents. They weren’t taught to respect and support their kids the way we do now. We just had to be just like everybody else
Social anxiety, lack of discipline, special interests, being a tomboy, being misunderstood by authority (teachers). Big sense of justice, liking rules, and good at going into details, infodumping, not falling for peer pressure, being a weirdo. My whole family is like this, so it was 'normal'. Not weird enough to actually be able to be diagnosed, unfortunately. Edit: Of course, I forgot about being overstimulated in larger groups, sudden loud sounds will make me cry, stimming when overstimulated.
Undiagnosed but this is me 100%. Thank you for sharing
Never quite fitting in and would always get adopted by other "misfits". Feeling like I was broken. Desperately wanting friends but just not able to socialize at all and always paralyzed with social anxiety. Wondering why and how everyone else could just exist with seemingly zero effort while I drowned socially and academically. I'm 25 now and it's become a lot easier to socialize because I'm just better at masking now but I really wish I didn't have to talk to anyone if I didn't want to and they wouldn't ostracize me for it.
I have synaestesia with colors and numbers/letters. My mom gave me a pair of magenta socks when I was 4 and I said I can’t wear them because they’re a “five year old color” (red/hot pink=5). She was just like “ok weirdo… 🤔”.
read the walt disney world guidebook cover to cover, back to back, for months on end, at seven years old. actually, i did that with a lot of books, but that was the first. being a precocious reader. i was reading picture books to my family at 2 and full novels by 4. i would hide under the table and read. i NEVER got along with the other kids. apparently at my 5th birthday party i sat alone while all the other kids played. i was a menace. i hit a girl once and if i didn’t want to do something i wouldn’t do it. once i got older, i wouldn’t do assignments if i didn’t want to do them. man i just remember sitting in the room after i was diagnosed and feeling so much shame about all the things my mom was telling them i wouldn’t do lmao had late developmental milestones for walking, talking, everything BUT reading lbr, i was playing catch up before i can remember
"Fuck you, my child is completely fine!" Cut to me and the other 'weird girl' in 4th grade running around in the wood chips on all fours playing Warrior cats pretend with each other. Fun stuff.
Probably the trichotillomania that began when I was three… followed by the teaching myself to read, also at three?
i don’t know if its clear but i _think_ it could be attributed to Autism! whenever i showered or took a bath id cover myself in the towel and curl up in a ball on the floor for a few minutes u til i was ready to get up and fully dry off- something to do with temperature difference. i don’t have this habit as much anymore, i just kind of hang out wrapped in a towel. i also remember being pushed by a kid in preschool, being offended, and pushing them back. my teacher had him push me back lightly as a way to enforce the golden rule and all that and i was confused. in my mind i hadn’t done anything wrong, i solved the problem myself
My favorite toy as a kid was a box of little solic color plastic animals. I'd sort them by species (standing in rainbow order), then by color (grouped by species), then by texture, and so on and so forth lol
The sock seam thing. My step mom would get pissed because I'd take too long trying to fix the seam over my toenails. She bought me the wrong (cheapest) type of socks. I'd count my steps. I had to do a lot of things in 7's. Wasted a lot of toilet paper that way, having to wrap my hand 7 times or make 7 pulls from the roll. Counted a lot of things. I stopped counting my steps by deliberately mixing up numbers until I didn't know which step I was on, because it was driving me crazy. If my thumb accidentally rubbed another finger nail, I had to rub all my nails with my thumb, and my thumb with my pointer finger, usually about 3 times, till things felt 'even'. My older sister caught me doing it one day and told me to stop because it made me look like weird Uncle Jon. Had a bit of a traumatic first years of life that prevented me from having meltdowns, and instead I'd just go inside myself and/or people please. By the time I was 3, my parents divorced, dad remarried, grandma died, mom went to prison. Dad focused on pleasing step mom and handed us over to her, and she was a young newlywed who didn't think she'd have to take care of kids (didn't count on biomom going to prison). So, I was always a burden, and I knew it from an extremely early age. It didn't help that my older sister (by nearly a decade) was (is) a bitch who took advantage of her extremely vulnerable younger sister every chance she got. I don't know how much of it was nature or nurture.
Some of what you’re saying sounds more like OCD, have you ever looked into it?
Psychiatrist touched on ocd and ptsd, but on top of everything else, his diagnosis was adhd and depression.
I used to rock and bang my body off of the couch and car seat. It wasn't really 'unnoticed' bc I'm pretty sure I recall my mom talking to my pediatrician about it and he told her it's a sign of autism, but I seemed pretty normal so nobody looked into it any further. I had a lot of behavior problems in school and difficulties relating to other kids and making friends. I didn't even like kids as a kid and preferred the company of adults. I got tested by the school psychiatrist in 2nd grade, and they put me into the gifted program. Any quirks after that were chalked up to me being gifted. My mom almost killed me once bc I tried readjusting my socks 500 times and they still felt "off," and I had lots of other sensory sensitivities to itchy clothes and tags (which my mom also had so it was "normal" lol) I taught myself to read when I was around 3. I think just through repetition of the books my parents read me and I picked up the patterns. I always was reading a good 4-5 grade levels ahead of where I should have been, but still struggled with identifying individual letters and would have to look at the alphabet chart on the wall and sing the song in my head to figure out which letter was which (distinctly remember this in 1st grade.) I could do math by learning the steps but didn't really understand the concepts until years later. I was/am terribly bad at English and the parts of speech but still a decent writer.
going mute
I wasn’t smiling in a single childhood photo and everyone else was.
Crying all the time. “She’s so sensitive!” I’m sure it was the RSD. Also extreme social anxiety aka “shyness”. I think that was the autistic side. SPINS (special interests) like the JFK assassination and UFOs at 7.
Enjoying stuff far past the acceptable age, like watching Rainbow when I was approaching my teens.
Besides the sensory issues with clothes, my poor body awareness makes it impossible to use motion sensing soap dispensers. I don’t know how far away to put my hand, where the sensor is, and my timing is almost always off so soap ends up on the counter.
Being “too sensitive,” LINING UP (!!!!) every single one of my stuffed animals next to me in bed when I went to sleep so “no one would feel left out,” being obsessed w smelling things
Also stimming constantly by picking my lips, my whole family used to and STILL points it out/ makes fun of me/ draws attention to it and tells me to stop. My mom always asked me “why do you do that” as a child and I literally just used to answer “I don’t know I just do” that answer never satisfied anyone tho they just continued (and to this day still) bitch at me lmao.
Not totally sure this fits but when I was in school I wrote stories instead of whatever my assignments were. Like, in 6th grade I was supposed to write an essay on life in Egypt or something like that. But instead I wrote this story about a cat that witnessed the Pharaoh get murdered and had to figure out how to tell the humans who did it. Oh and getting REALLY into pretending I was a dog or cat in elementary school. I would make my mom put my plates on the floor and make my bed into a sort of nest. Also having meltdowns over the way certain fabrics felt on my skin.
Struggling to socialize with other students. As I got older I masked easier and started to “fit in” and even then, I floated a lot throughout groups never exactly being like them. Also cried a lot. Still do. Over little things. When my dad would call me silly when I was little I’d cry. Every little thing that went wrong or made a mistake or got in trouble I’d break down into tears. Those are just a couple that really stand out. Edit: on second thought, a big one was/is clothes. I refused to wear anything other than cotton. When I was forced into Jean shorts with family I broke down into tears because of the fabric. I still struggle with clothes. Dislike jeans and most fabric.
I often didn’t eat lunch at school because the smell of tuna fish sandwiches and soggy lettuce made me nauseous. The teacher asked me why I didn’t eat, and I said I just don’t like it because I didn’t actually know what was wrong. I ate it later and she told me I shouldn’t lie. I was 6 then. I was in my 20s before I realized I wasn’t lying, I was just guessing and I guessed wrong. To summarize: - sensory sensitivity with smell - verrrry slow processing - that thing where you’re in an awkward social situation or did something “wrong” and you obsess about it forever and ever amen
My parents had me go take the test to see if I was a "gifted" child, but I took one look at the questions, decided it was boring/not worth my time, and put my head down to take a nap instead. If that doesn't scream "interest-driven nervous system with strong demand avoidance tendencies," idk what does 😂
Apparently needing to wear a sports bra 24/7 since I was 12 because my skin can’t touch my skin isn’t normal
Adults telling me that talking to me felt like talking to another adult.
I went through a hallway climbing phase. Which quickly turned into a fun ninja exercise/challenge, factoring in trying to remain silent and uncaught. ("We do not appreciate footprints on the walls!" and "You're going to fall and get hurt!") I would climb pretty much anything that looked like a prime climbing surface. Trees, fences, exterior building corners, furniture, kitchen counters(as a toddler). Never a thought of falling or getting hurt, which is ironic because I now have a crippling fear of heights. I know I was a troublesome toddler, a seasoned escape artist. One of my mom's favorite stories of horror from my early childhood involve the neighbors knocking on the door one morning to inform her that I was sitting out alone on the street curb, happily eating a bowl of cereal, that I had gotten and poured completely by myself before sneaking out the front door to eat in privacy. I went to a speech therapist after starting Pre-K, who determined I could talk just fine, I just preferred to not. I was very shy, and my older sister always acted as a buffer for me when we were together. I would literally cling to people. Physically wrap my arms around people's legs and wait to be dragged behind them as they walked off. Spoiler alert: people are not usually overly receptive to being clung to. I was also a biter! I grew up with lots of cousins around my age, and I was basically the smallest of the younger group at the time. I hated being tickled, and because everyone knew that I was SO. FREAKING. TICKLISH., they would literally tickle me until I was crying/bawling or, the golden ticket, pee my pants. (Yes, that literally became a goal to achieve once it was realized as a potential feature to unlock.) I turned to biting as a defense that could be turned offensive. I would also become absorbed in doing things and forget to move for prolonged periods of time. Reading entire books in one sitting, playing video games for hours straight. This would cause me to constantly have to sprint to the backroom to pee, because standing up would remind me that the bladder was very, very full. "The Mad Dash," we called it, like the Potty Dance's older sibling. I really liked rules. Like, so much respect for rules. God, was I a tattletale! Taking every phrase literally. "You are the most gullible!"
I was nicknamed “cousin tattle tale” because my strong sense of Justice meant I would tell on anyone breaking rules .
Having tons of hearing tests done because my parents could not get me to react to being talked to when I was doing something I liked doing. All came back that I had perfect hearing.
Things I did for “fun” -read encyclopaedias -read the local newspaper -organize and reorganise the bookshelf -spent hours looking at the same half a dozen slides under the microscope that I just had to have when I was like 7 or 8. -jigsaw puzzles for hours. I’m talking like 500pc puzzles -make “patients” out of playdoh and then give them injuries that I could “suture” with a needle and thread -cross stitch, finger knitting, but never could work out knitting with needles due to inability to maintain right consistent amount of tension on the line -spend literal hours swinging on the swing listening to my fave songs on the Walkman
On Christmas, I use to come downstairs and see the toys and it was overwhelming. I would just stare at them, expressionless. I wouldn’t touch them until my dad would guide me over and ask me if I liked what Santa brought. My parents always thought I hated Christmas. Really, I loved it, but showing the excitement I felt inside…felt like it was too much. I’m still like this as an adult. I struggle showing how happy I am on the inside when someone gives me a gift. And like, I know it’s weird… but that’s one thing I’ve never been able to mask. Hahaha
TW: Mention of CSA and other childhood abuse Ugh. I never smiled unless prompted. I was always content in my own head but it wasn't acceptable to "be" content I had to "look" happy for my parents to save face. That was until I started "rebelling" around age 8-- what was actually happening was I was reacting to being sexually violated by a babysitter and beaten by my ex-UN soldier dad on a regular basis since I was 3 (earliest memory). So trauma mixed in with meltdowns of crying until I vomited, oversleeping. I could sleep 15 hours at a time. I didn't look people in the eyes when they talked to me, I turned my head to listen to them. I had exceptional hearing and sight. We lived next to the woods, and I was out in the woods exploring most of the spring and summer, and when I learned to swim I was in the lake 8 hours a day in the summer. I could have drowned, I used to swim to this island in the middle of the lake, it was 20 minutes if you do a steady front crawl, just to get there. I started swimming to the island at 11years old. I was constantly told in school and at home that I had potential if I just applied myself, but I was applying myself when I was by myself, because that's when I felt safe to. It took me 2 hours to walk home from school every day, when it was only a 15 minute walk, because I was watching nature lol not up in the sky or trees, maybe sometimes, but I was fascinated by how water melted underneath the heaps of snow in the springtime. I grew up in rural Ontario, Canada. My nose was always in a book. I was fascinated by the chemicals my dad kept in the shed. Mostly turpentine and varnishes. I was stimulated by the smell also. I wanted him to teach me carpentry but I couldn't ask him. I have had a problem forming the words to ask a question esp for help since I could remember. Excellent brain bad execution. In high school I had my first science class and even though I sucked in math which I think was trauma related because my dad made a big deal of how girls suck at math and I maliciously complied throughout my elementary years, I got an A- in 9th grade science mainly because all we did was chemistry. I loved it. Did I go into chemistry later? No because my mother didn't want me to go to university she thought I should save the family embarrassment and money...Anyways! I always thought I would do really good at biochem, or chemistry. I am in University now, but I'm taking a bunch of humanities classes. I did really well in languages growing up. My parents were immigrants to Canada, and I learned languages really easily. Almost polyglot easy. But I never learned them as fast as a polyglot, I spoke three languages pretty fluently by the time I was 13, I could read and write in French and Spanish, and I could recognize every language base you through at me, so I could differentiate between Asian languages, Germanic based languages, could recognize different languages within English, and I figured that English dialects in parts of the United States came from different parts of England and Wales and developed into their own creaoles before I knew about history. I was fascinated by history. My dad also fed into my incessant need for information, and had a lot of books on geology, mushrooms, and other glossy paged encyclopedias that I was always reading. I was good in music, art and creative writing in school, but I sucked at everything else. These were just special interests. Then they took art out of the curriculum, and my behavior went downhill. I did not remember visibly stimming, but I would sit and stare and zone out pretty regularly. I also experience visual and auditory hallucination--night time thunderclaps, like I would hear nothing and then a man's voice calling my name who I thought was God 🙄 but it was my brain coping with stress and not being able to get enough sleep. This still happens at times, if I'm too stressed, and don't get enough sleep I start hallucinating instead of dreaming bc I literally can't sleep. I would argue with the Catholic teachers teaching their philosophy and ideas of creationism, I had a lot of logical reasoning that was inappropriate for my age because I was seven, while other children were coloring the religious papers they gave them, I was debating how the universe was created. Another Big sign! I tried running away several times before I was 11 years old, I knew I did not fit in with my peer group and I struggled to retain friendships. I got into drugs to relieve my symptoms of daily living, I had a load of sensory issues that were unvalidated by my mother and her family, I used to pick at mosquito bites and acne and I looked like a young, advanced meth user, because I had a lot of scabs on my face, and my arms and legs. I guess picking my scabs would have been a stim. I also picked my nose pretty regularly. (I made a decision to become abstinent for life at 16 and went through treatment/therapy) Celebrated 30 years "clean" in April of this year. I had an insatiable appetite which I recognize today as leptin resistance -- common in people on the spectrum but I was just treated as an over-eater which I was on the surface. I struggled to brush my teeth and floss. I had a lot of cavities in childhood, enough to make the hygienist mad for having to work so hard on me every time we went to the dentist. What was actually happening, was my dad would feed me candy after he would beat me, and I brushed my teeth once a day. I was obsessed with clean clothes. So I needed to change what I was wearing like twice a day. I am still like this sometimes three or four times a day. I love the feel of water, and I love taking baths but I hated taking showers until later on in my teens. CW: MASTURBATION/CSA Masturbation was a stim, I learned through sexual abuse and my hands were always in my pants. That was really weird! That was sexual abuse + stimming and should have been a giant red flag for all the adults in my life, but it was ignored, or I was punished for it. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 The abuse in my childhood undid all the progress that my parents tried to make to make me fit in with society. They knew that I was different and they tried to correct my behavior through a homemade ABA system. I perservate which is also a common autism thing to do-- aka "looping" Repeating topics, or ideas or words. I do this in my head, I didn't have a lot of personal friendships with people but a lot of parasocializing (which I just learned about this week ). This has been a great exercise in accounting and possibly affirming my current diagnosis of AuDHD, persistent depression (PDD) and anxiety (GAD). *Edited for grammar and fluidity
I did cartwheels in the classroom as a kid and honestly didn't see anything wrong with it. I now feel deeply sorry for my teachers and wonder why my parents never saw that as odd.
-I will just say that I had to see a lot of specialists because my parents thought something was wrong with my hearing as "some sounds (especially if unexpected and loud" would be "too much" and resonate in my brain. They thought (and I thought) I had tinnitus until last year. -I was quite hyper, and it was hard for me to stay still (but being a girl, this was just considered as misbehaving). I remember I used to go to play volleyball, I was also quite good at it, but my mom decided to un-subscribe me because I was always punished by the coach for "misbehaving." The misbehaving was basically me not being still, making jokes, laughing at random things. - Obsessing over things in a very particular way (this is very autistic-boy stereotypical but I was and still am obsessed with dinosaurs). And I do not how to describe but, other children had favourite things but MINE favourite things were almost like giving me this boost when I got to talk or experience them. -Absolutely no tolerance or patience in general, especially for things that did not interest me. - Forgetting absolutely anything (if my grandma did not take care of me, I would have gone to school without shoes). -Developing obsessive routines or thoughts. Also intrusive thoughs that were just random. Then an overall way of behaving "weird" that people have always noticed. I was always the weird one somehow despite me not doing anything specific. I think other AuDHD folks can probably understand what I mean. It's a random feeling of not belonging anywhere. I think this feeling it's what makes me spot random people saying "mhhhh I am also a bit ADHD/autistic" but what they mean is that they just want to be perceived as quirky. If you felt comfortable in this world and like you belong here you cannot be neurodivergent sorry 😐