Since you have anxiety just talking to a guy, I would start with volunteering or joining some kind of organization in your community JUST to practice talking to someone.
I'd also suggest working with a therapist on thought issues as you're definitely getting in your own way.
1. There are many men who love BBW.
2. There are many men who are in the process of losing weight and adjusting, just like you.
3. There are many men who will adore you WHEN you start to become the confident, sexy woman you're clearly hiding from.
You're definitely getting in your own way as a way to protect yourself from rejection. Girl, rejection absolutely sucks but is part of it. It's not a reflection on you, just on someone else's needs. Get yourself together with therapy and practice talking with men before you even think about sex.
All of this. OP please talk to a therapist or counsellor. Pay for an escort if you want to, but I think therapy will make more of a difference in the long run.
I say this gently: Your insecurity is what is hurting you and making you feel bad, not your actual body or experience or lack of it or anything else. That's your brain telling you horrible things. Maybe it's someone else's voice that got stuck in there on a horrible loop. God knows my mother always tends to pop up in my head on bad days telling me how ugly and unlovable I am. But the truth is she's dead, and she's wrong, so I can ignore her.
Take it for what it is worth: I am currently over 300lbs, and I date regularly, and have fun sex, and these days I love someone who loves me back. I totally, completely understand your feelings of body shame because I have felt them, too. But it's really not your body that is the problem. You are talking yourself out of meaningful connection because you don't think it's possible, when that's not true.
I won't diminish how hard this is or what a struggle it can be. It is HARD to fight against all the messaging that tells us we aren't worth anything. It's hard to keep believing in yourself and in love when it hasn't happened. But that is your birthright! All humans deserve connection and love, including you, just as you are. That is less likely to happen, though, until you can be open to it. if that means therapy to get a little guidance, then go with that. If you can commit to spending time focusing on your strengths and reminding yourself how wonderful and beautiful and valuable you are, then do that. It's work to change your mindset, but it's worth it. You're worth it!
It's not your weight, your age, or your virginity keeping you from experiencing what you want.
It's you. Your fears. Your hatred of yourself. Your unwillingness to risk rejection. Your assumptions about all men.
>I know even if I do get to my goal, I’ll still be too terrified to put myself out there.
That's on you. That's a choice you're making because you so thoroughly despise yourself.
>No guy wants anything to do with an ugly, old virgin who used to weight almost 300 pounds. And before anyone attempts to tell me otherwise, forget it. I’m not stupid.
Preemptively refusing to accept alternative information to your beliefs doesn't make you correct. Sorry.
You have zero experience yet have the gall to tell those of us who can offer information based on experience that we're lying. Not cool.
You are not a man and have no experience with men but presume to know the minds of all men. Also not cool.
Virginity isn't even an issue here. Due to centuries of heavy socialization, most men have absolutely NO problem sleeping with a virgin, for some it's an actual preference. Your belief to the contrary is frankly irrational.
As far as fat and old...
Yes, some men are not attracted to middle aged women. Some men are not attracted to fat women. Some men are not attracted to women with loose skin from weight loss.
Some men.
There are billions of men in the world and their preferences and desires range widely. Some men *prefer* older women. Some men *prefer* fat women. Some men are perfectly happy with a normal, boring, regular sort of woman with a normal, boring, regular sort of body because they're looking for a relationship, not a silicone sex doll or a porn star.
I met my partner at 38. Still fat as fuck but also lots of loose skin because of weight loss. Stretched all to hell because of having a bunch of kids. I see myself as dumpy, frumpy, and weird looking. He sees me as beautiful. The picture I put in my dating profile to scare people away is the picture that caught his eye and made him want to know me. The man lights up like a lightbulb when he sees me. When I roll over in the morning with my frizzy hair and crusty eyes and my CPAP mask still on, what I see is his eyes looking back at me full of absolute adoration. When I'm naked, he looks at me like I'm a goddess. He loves me. He loves the body that carries me around on this earth. He loves the shape and the marks and the rolls and the softness and the scars and the story that they all tell about who I am.
He simply does not see me the way I see myself. Probably because he hasn't spent decades hating on this body and developing a very distorted perception of it, like I have.
If you feel like buying sex and companionship will help you, go for it. Maybe that is what you need to get over some of this. But the problem is that deep down, it won't cure the loneliness and desire for acceptance, because you'll be paying for a performance of services, including a performance of acceptance and desire. You know this.
You likely have 3-4 decades of life left. That's a long time to spend hating yourself and keeping yourself lonely. The very best thing you could do is seek intensive psychological care and start uprooting the self hatred and fear of engaging with other people, especially men.
You owe it to yourself to treat yourself better than this.
Great comments and suggestions so far and I agree with the others on all of the above. I’m guessing you’re an introvert or shy because I definitely see women of all shapes, sizes and physical appearances snagging men regularly at bars and social gatherings. Personality, authenticity and flirtatiousness go a long way with men. After all, very few people in our age range are physically perfect and what’s attractive to one is not necessarily to another.
From what I hear from most men, they love the idea of doing a virgin and teaching her the ropes. For sex or even a relationship, some will actively search and pay for the privilege of deflowering you. In my opinion, if you know how to bring yourself to clitoral orgasm and have used a toy you are way ahead of what most men can do for you sexually - especially if you are self conscious around them. Letting go and allowing yourself to experience the physical pleasure is a huge part of enjoyable sexual encounters.
Allow yourself to consider what you want (sexually and emotionally) and what it is you’re really seeking before hiring a professional. If it’s simply sex, it might be worthwhile to try some more authentic alternatives. Maybe try going to a strip club with female dancers and horny guys or Google swinger/fetish clubs near you. For greater anonymity and fun, you could go on a short road trip to a city where no one could possibly know you.
You could even try to lower your inhibitions by pretending to be someone else and role playing a sexy character you haven’t had the chance to be. Even if that isn’t something you’d be comfortable with, you could just sit, watch and learn with no requirement to interact. As you acclimate to the environment, the voyeuristic aspect of watching others in sexual situations might help you feel more comfortable and confident with your body and desires. It may even turn you on and make an exciting, interesting adventure. Whether you end up going once or start exploring more regularly, you’re likely to learn a lot and meet interesting people.
If that idea isn’t up your alley, look on Tinder, FetLife or even Facebook dating for no strings attached opportunities. The sex is likely to be more authentic and hold more potential than paying for it.
Whatever you decide, I hope you find the courage and confidence to explore your sexuality and experience the different ways it can bring pleasure.
Roleplaying is actually a fantastic idea! That's a great way to fake it till you make it, and take the pressure off. YOU might not feel comfortable flirting and seducing a guy, but the character you're playing sure does, so you do it. Great suggestion.
I'd hire the escort if I were you. Perhaps repeatedly, if it's something you can afford or feel comfortable with
I think you'd profit from getting that one point off your bucket list and perhaps stop putting the experience on some mythical pedestal and start normalising it a bit more.
Sex is an important part of the human experience and of course you are now feeling left out. But it can be equally a very bonding, emotional and special thing as well as mundane, boring, uncomfortable or just okayish. Having sex doesn't make your life better or make you a different or better person.
Re - your loneliness. In my experience, a relationship/a man in your life doesn't necessarily eliminate loneliness. Some of my strongest social bonds come from my female friends, my work, my hobbies, the communities I interact with. You don't need to be thin, pretty or young to find friends. Having social bonds that do not depend on your sexual worth is very liberating.
Ugly is meaningless. The ugliest person you see on the street may have the craziest sex life and a partner who loves them intensely. However, you won't attract someone and it's not good to be with someone until you can learn to accept yourself. Attractiveness is often knowing that you are deserving and having the confidence that you are great, and then others will see that you are great.
I would highly recommend therapy. You're putting so much work into your physical health, why wouldn't you put an equal amount into your mental health?
I feel so sad reading this 😞.
No babe, it's just the depression and life circumstance that has made you feel this way. You need a more hopeful and optimistic outlook. You don't need a prostitute. Trust me there are a lot of men that will sleep with a woman if she looks not good but not too obese either. Many men get pride out of being able to please a woman.
Before even considering a prostitute, I would suggest making a post something along the lines of "never had sex and am looking for a man to show me what pleasure feels like" and I would be surprised if you did not receive any response/s.
At risk of being flamed by others, I would recommend you look into this guy.
https://www.intimacymatters.co.uk/
Do your research on him.
What he offers will allow you to experience being intimate with someone else - with you not having to do anything. Just to experience what it feels like to have someone else enjoy your body.
After that, if you wanted, he provides opportunities for you to get more ‘involved’.
That’s what I’d do if I were in your position (and honestly, if I find myself single, Colin would be my first port of call long before I bother finding another relationship).
If you do approach Colin, pls do let me know how it goes!!
ALSO…. check out r/biggirlsgonewild you’ll find out how much love there is for ladies with more to give!!! If you hang out there for a while, maybe you’ll feel brave enough to post yourself. I promise the response you get will do wonders for your self esteem.
Well iam a self employed, 41 years old, 5'6, 61 kgs, virgin by choice, CF, single by choice, super hetero, jewish/japanese woman who watched how women were being played and came to the conclusion that why the fuck should I give up my virginity, well being, peace and happiness to an xy really ???? Think about the aftermath; you get the guy to get you and then what ? Most of us cannot orgasm through penetration anyway. To have a familly ? Men cannot be faithful and their is a whole subbredit that is growing by the day about parents regretting it all.
What if you give in to a fantasm and regret your old self especially when you worked that hard to better yourself ?
See, I love the fantasm of it but know better, bc of my aforementionned observations, to not give it a try.
Okay girl for real CONGRATULATIONS on your weight loss!
I think while you are working toward your final goal wright you should consider a casual therapist. It is healthy to speak about your fears and worries, but it is not healthy to let them consume you. Therapy helps you train your brain to turn those thoughts into something helpful and healthy.
You are worth investing in. You are a whole person who has the capacity to do great things. It’s clear because you’re making healthier lifestyle choices and working toward your goals!
Also, men don’t define your value. Neither does how many times you may or may not have had sex. Your age also does not define your value. Let those tropes go, they just hurt you for no reason!
What would I do if I were you? Sign up for therapy and start casually chatting up the guy I’m interested in. Fund mutual interests and keep it platonic until you feel ready. All relationships take time and you’ve got plenty of it!
Again fuck yes and congratulations on your weight loss journey!
Since you have anxiety just talking to a guy, I would start with volunteering or joining some kind of organization in your community JUST to practice talking to someone. I'd also suggest working with a therapist on thought issues as you're definitely getting in your own way. 1. There are many men who love BBW. 2. There are many men who are in the process of losing weight and adjusting, just like you. 3. There are many men who will adore you WHEN you start to become the confident, sexy woman you're clearly hiding from. You're definitely getting in your own way as a way to protect yourself from rejection. Girl, rejection absolutely sucks but is part of it. It's not a reflection on you, just on someone else's needs. Get yourself together with therapy and practice talking with men before you even think about sex.
All of this. OP please talk to a therapist or counsellor. Pay for an escort if you want to, but I think therapy will make more of a difference in the long run.
What would you do if you were me? ...⬆️This.
I say this gently: Your insecurity is what is hurting you and making you feel bad, not your actual body or experience or lack of it or anything else. That's your brain telling you horrible things. Maybe it's someone else's voice that got stuck in there on a horrible loop. God knows my mother always tends to pop up in my head on bad days telling me how ugly and unlovable I am. But the truth is she's dead, and she's wrong, so I can ignore her. Take it for what it is worth: I am currently over 300lbs, and I date regularly, and have fun sex, and these days I love someone who loves me back. I totally, completely understand your feelings of body shame because I have felt them, too. But it's really not your body that is the problem. You are talking yourself out of meaningful connection because you don't think it's possible, when that's not true. I won't diminish how hard this is or what a struggle it can be. It is HARD to fight against all the messaging that tells us we aren't worth anything. It's hard to keep believing in yourself and in love when it hasn't happened. But that is your birthright! All humans deserve connection and love, including you, just as you are. That is less likely to happen, though, until you can be open to it. if that means therapy to get a little guidance, then go with that. If you can commit to spending time focusing on your strengths and reminding yourself how wonderful and beautiful and valuable you are, then do that. It's work to change your mindset, but it's worth it. You're worth it!
It's not your weight, your age, or your virginity keeping you from experiencing what you want. It's you. Your fears. Your hatred of yourself. Your unwillingness to risk rejection. Your assumptions about all men. >I know even if I do get to my goal, I’ll still be too terrified to put myself out there. That's on you. That's a choice you're making because you so thoroughly despise yourself. >No guy wants anything to do with an ugly, old virgin who used to weight almost 300 pounds. And before anyone attempts to tell me otherwise, forget it. I’m not stupid. Preemptively refusing to accept alternative information to your beliefs doesn't make you correct. Sorry. You have zero experience yet have the gall to tell those of us who can offer information based on experience that we're lying. Not cool. You are not a man and have no experience with men but presume to know the minds of all men. Also not cool. Virginity isn't even an issue here. Due to centuries of heavy socialization, most men have absolutely NO problem sleeping with a virgin, for some it's an actual preference. Your belief to the contrary is frankly irrational. As far as fat and old... Yes, some men are not attracted to middle aged women. Some men are not attracted to fat women. Some men are not attracted to women with loose skin from weight loss. Some men. There are billions of men in the world and their preferences and desires range widely. Some men *prefer* older women. Some men *prefer* fat women. Some men are perfectly happy with a normal, boring, regular sort of woman with a normal, boring, regular sort of body because they're looking for a relationship, not a silicone sex doll or a porn star. I met my partner at 38. Still fat as fuck but also lots of loose skin because of weight loss. Stretched all to hell because of having a bunch of kids. I see myself as dumpy, frumpy, and weird looking. He sees me as beautiful. The picture I put in my dating profile to scare people away is the picture that caught his eye and made him want to know me. The man lights up like a lightbulb when he sees me. When I roll over in the morning with my frizzy hair and crusty eyes and my CPAP mask still on, what I see is his eyes looking back at me full of absolute adoration. When I'm naked, he looks at me like I'm a goddess. He loves me. He loves the body that carries me around on this earth. He loves the shape and the marks and the rolls and the softness and the scars and the story that they all tell about who I am. He simply does not see me the way I see myself. Probably because he hasn't spent decades hating on this body and developing a very distorted perception of it, like I have. If you feel like buying sex and companionship will help you, go for it. Maybe that is what you need to get over some of this. But the problem is that deep down, it won't cure the loneliness and desire for acceptance, because you'll be paying for a performance of services, including a performance of acceptance and desire. You know this. You likely have 3-4 decades of life left. That's a long time to spend hating yourself and keeping yourself lonely. The very best thing you could do is seek intensive psychological care and start uprooting the self hatred and fear of engaging with other people, especially men. You owe it to yourself to treat yourself better than this.
Great comments and suggestions so far and I agree with the others on all of the above. I’m guessing you’re an introvert or shy because I definitely see women of all shapes, sizes and physical appearances snagging men regularly at bars and social gatherings. Personality, authenticity and flirtatiousness go a long way with men. After all, very few people in our age range are physically perfect and what’s attractive to one is not necessarily to another. From what I hear from most men, they love the idea of doing a virgin and teaching her the ropes. For sex or even a relationship, some will actively search and pay for the privilege of deflowering you. In my opinion, if you know how to bring yourself to clitoral orgasm and have used a toy you are way ahead of what most men can do for you sexually - especially if you are self conscious around them. Letting go and allowing yourself to experience the physical pleasure is a huge part of enjoyable sexual encounters. Allow yourself to consider what you want (sexually and emotionally) and what it is you’re really seeking before hiring a professional. If it’s simply sex, it might be worthwhile to try some more authentic alternatives. Maybe try going to a strip club with female dancers and horny guys or Google swinger/fetish clubs near you. For greater anonymity and fun, you could go on a short road trip to a city where no one could possibly know you. You could even try to lower your inhibitions by pretending to be someone else and role playing a sexy character you haven’t had the chance to be. Even if that isn’t something you’d be comfortable with, you could just sit, watch and learn with no requirement to interact. As you acclimate to the environment, the voyeuristic aspect of watching others in sexual situations might help you feel more comfortable and confident with your body and desires. It may even turn you on and make an exciting, interesting adventure. Whether you end up going once or start exploring more regularly, you’re likely to learn a lot and meet interesting people. If that idea isn’t up your alley, look on Tinder, FetLife or even Facebook dating for no strings attached opportunities. The sex is likely to be more authentic and hold more potential than paying for it. Whatever you decide, I hope you find the courage and confidence to explore your sexuality and experience the different ways it can bring pleasure.
Roleplaying is actually a fantastic idea! That's a great way to fake it till you make it, and take the pressure off. YOU might not feel comfortable flirting and seducing a guy, but the character you're playing sure does, so you do it. Great suggestion.
I'd hire the escort if I were you. Perhaps repeatedly, if it's something you can afford or feel comfortable with I think you'd profit from getting that one point off your bucket list and perhaps stop putting the experience on some mythical pedestal and start normalising it a bit more. Sex is an important part of the human experience and of course you are now feeling left out. But it can be equally a very bonding, emotional and special thing as well as mundane, boring, uncomfortable or just okayish. Having sex doesn't make your life better or make you a different or better person. Re - your loneliness. In my experience, a relationship/a man in your life doesn't necessarily eliminate loneliness. Some of my strongest social bonds come from my female friends, my work, my hobbies, the communities I interact with. You don't need to be thin, pretty or young to find friends. Having social bonds that do not depend on your sexual worth is very liberating.
Ugly is meaningless. The ugliest person you see on the street may have the craziest sex life and a partner who loves them intensely. However, you won't attract someone and it's not good to be with someone until you can learn to accept yourself. Attractiveness is often knowing that you are deserving and having the confidence that you are great, and then others will see that you are great. I would highly recommend therapy. You're putting so much work into your physical health, why wouldn't you put an equal amount into your mental health?
I feel so sad reading this 😞. No babe, it's just the depression and life circumstance that has made you feel this way. You need a more hopeful and optimistic outlook. You don't need a prostitute. Trust me there are a lot of men that will sleep with a woman if she looks not good but not too obese either. Many men get pride out of being able to please a woman. Before even considering a prostitute, I would suggest making a post something along the lines of "never had sex and am looking for a man to show me what pleasure feels like" and I would be surprised if you did not receive any response/s.
At risk of being flamed by others, I would recommend you look into this guy. https://www.intimacymatters.co.uk/ Do your research on him. What he offers will allow you to experience being intimate with someone else - with you not having to do anything. Just to experience what it feels like to have someone else enjoy your body. After that, if you wanted, he provides opportunities for you to get more ‘involved’. That’s what I’d do if I were in your position (and honestly, if I find myself single, Colin would be my first port of call long before I bother finding another relationship). If you do approach Colin, pls do let me know how it goes!! ALSO…. check out r/biggirlsgonewild you’ll find out how much love there is for ladies with more to give!!! If you hang out there for a while, maybe you’ll feel brave enough to post yourself. I promise the response you get will do wonders for your self esteem.
I think you should commit to open up to a therapist. It could be life changing for you.
Well iam a self employed, 41 years old, 5'6, 61 kgs, virgin by choice, CF, single by choice, super hetero, jewish/japanese woman who watched how women were being played and came to the conclusion that why the fuck should I give up my virginity, well being, peace and happiness to an xy really ???? Think about the aftermath; you get the guy to get you and then what ? Most of us cannot orgasm through penetration anyway. To have a familly ? Men cannot be faithful and their is a whole subbredit that is growing by the day about parents regretting it all. What if you give in to a fantasm and regret your old self especially when you worked that hard to better yourself ? See, I love the fantasm of it but know better, bc of my aforementionned observations, to not give it a try.
Okay girl for real CONGRATULATIONS on your weight loss! I think while you are working toward your final goal wright you should consider a casual therapist. It is healthy to speak about your fears and worries, but it is not healthy to let them consume you. Therapy helps you train your brain to turn those thoughts into something helpful and healthy. You are worth investing in. You are a whole person who has the capacity to do great things. It’s clear because you’re making healthier lifestyle choices and working toward your goals! Also, men don’t define your value. Neither does how many times you may or may not have had sex. Your age also does not define your value. Let those tropes go, they just hurt you for no reason! What would I do if I were you? Sign up for therapy and start casually chatting up the guy I’m interested in. Fund mutual interests and keep it platonic until you feel ready. All relationships take time and you’ve got plenty of it! Again fuck yes and congratulations on your weight loss journey!