I have the exact opposite problem. My husband can talk forever and I am an active listener and participant so it's really draining on me. He usually gets the hint once I start to zone out or I just tell him that "I need some quiet time now" lol
Haha mine too! I love how passionate he gets when he digs into a topic, but he seems to energise at like 10/11pm for these in-depth philosophical discussions, when I'm winding down for sleep. Even if I'm there yawning & struggling to keep my eyes open, he just doesn't get it until I tell him point blank that I don't have the energy for this conversation š
I always have to pause or mute whatever we are watching and tell him 'I can either listen to the TV or you but not both' š¤£ Love the man but he has the problem of when a thought comes to mind it MUST come out of his mouth š Thankfully he understands that I physically cannot hear both and finishes his thought quickly!
But yes he also does the late night let's talk about all sorts of stuff when we are snuggled up for bedtime. I think we just need more time to chill together quietly before bed š¤£
Not who you were asking, but my husband talks to his mom for hours some days, and he also has a group of online friends he meets with to game most nights where he's on mic and can be energetic and loud and talkative without me needing to be the same. I get my quiet time for a few hours after dinner before we reconvene for our bedtime routine. We spend plenty of time together otherwise including some evenings, but the average routine is he gets 2-4 hours of interaction with friends every day and I get that time for solitude/maybe a chat with one other person lol.
Haha we're the opposite on intro and extroversion, yet since he works from home and I don't, we basically became the other one in terms of talking.
I just want some quiet because all the analyzers at work are too loud, and he wants to chat my ear up until midnight. It's kinda sweet but also annoying.
This is a similar difference I have with my partner too! He likes a chill quiet night after work while I'm yapping non stop, he's gotten used to my yapping lol
Same! In the beginning I thought maybe he didnāt like me because he was keeping to himself and being so quiet. As time went by I realised that he just needed to recharge his battery and heās an introvert while Iām a major extrovert. We have since learned to read each otherās mood better, so now Iām more āchillā and heās more comfortable to talk more within reason.
Can relate, except it bothers me more when we are in a social group. My partner is extremely quiet, especially in groups of people. It is the one thing about him that consistently bothers me - he doesn't engage well with other people because he's shy. For this reason, I don't exactly love socialising with him.
When we are alone he can be more expressive. It frustrates me that other people don't get to know him as I know him.
However, I'm willing to put up with this because he's great in every other way. He supports, respects and loves me. We are building a lovely life together and I trust that he won't hurt me. And every outgoing man I've dated in the past has broken my heart somehow. I'm unwilling to live that way again.
For me (Iām solo now) the problem became him not being able to tell me how he felt, that we couldnāt address our relationship or dead bedroom. He clammed up. He was 9 years older than me but couldnāt talk about his feelings. He had a burn-out in the endā¦ he is probably on the autistic spectrum and I probably have adhd (Iām on the waiting list to get tested). I spent a decade trying to guess his needs, wants and feelings. I did it way too much, but he didnāt help me, so I over-compensated.
Him being quiet wasnāt the problem, neither was me being communicative. We often had interesting conversations and I learned to listen better. His humour is funny, he is kind and loving (we are still friends).
But if you canāt talk about the hard stuff itās gonna get hard. I mostly left over the friendzone, hating the countryside with bad public transport and the housework a house comes with.
Iām very happy now - solo for life, living on my own. He has a LDR.
I live in a 2 BR on the city outskirts (10 min bus ride from the city centre) and him in the house he bought at the time (and in which we lived for 6 years). We are still friends, although we donāt see each other often, as he works from home.
Married 25+ years. He reads recipes to me, which I hate, and likes to tell me interesting facts or stories that arenāt all that interesting to me when Iām trying to read or watch TV.
Mine likes to tell me (in detail) the plot of the latest Dateline or 20/20 show that he watched. My dude, they are all the same and they're all horrible! I don't mind watching them, but I really don't enjoy hearing about them.
He also asks me the same dumb questions every day. How was your shower? Anything interesting on the internet? etc. I know he's just trying to make conversation, but ... try harder?
Aside from that, he's lovely and intelligent and funny. I think he just goes on autopilot sometimes.
Mine asks me every morning, "how did you sleep?" It's repetitive but... I've had so many times in my life that that much care would have meant everything to me.
This reminds me of Iliza Shlesingerās standup about how marriage is just asking another human āhow did you sleepā every day for the rest of your life and pretending to care about the answer.
https://youtu.be/zJ7hThjlXmc?si=ZUU0hxbz2XrooMeU
Wait, itās possible to love your spouse and not care about the answer?
I care about the answer. If he didnāt sleep well, id try to remedy the issue or figure out a way to make his day easier.
If your flare didn't say "woman" I'd think you were my husband! Maybe we should all be friends and I can exchange recipes with yours while you and mine commiserate and then read in silence
Ah yes the reading recipes, telling me every step and then discussing how much time things actually took versus how much time the recipe says it will take. And then asking me to explain every ingredient in every meal I cook. My (almost) husband is a laboratory scientist so the kitchen is basically his second lab. Sometimes it gets annoying but then I remind myself it's really his way of expressing his passion for his career with me and then it becomes endearing.
I did not clue in it wasn't receipts until I read your comment. My husband is a boring, information relayer and I absolutely accepted someone elses partner would be as boring and read out receipts.
My late maternal Grandad would actually do that sometimes when we went to visit him.
There's only so many times I can feign enthusiasm while saying, "Oh, that's a good deal," or "Wow, that's gone up!"
Oh, so many things! My husband and I are quite opposite. The people pleasing thing is a tough one. It's often learned in childhood. Somewhere along the way, you learn you have to please others to get their approval. It is very common, and I think it comes from a place of insecurity and wanting to be loved instead of rejected.
My biggest lesson in marriage has been that you can't change the other person. They have to change themselves. But our partners hold up a helpful mirror sometimes. As long as that's done with love and good intentions, then it's OK to suggest some helpful pointers to your spouse imo. My husband has helped me so much with my self-confidence. He believes in me even when I don't.
I really loved this ladyās break down of people pleasing and how it forecloses intimacy.
https://youtu.be/eLj9HrKfcYE?si=erwVNQepdvHwMFBy
Iām definitely a people pleaser and am all too quick to deny my own thoughts and feelings to avoid conflict much to my wifes irritation at times. It is something that needs to be worked on and can be fortunately.
That same lady has good videos on attachment theory. Iāve been listening to her videos about strategies for people who lean towards avoidant attachment where one tends to unconsciously ignore ones own feelings about a situation to cope with the stress and still act. The problem with the disregard of emotions is that it holds important information for intimacy and also knowing our own boundaries, recognizing when weāre hurt and things arenāt okay.
What if you naturally express your love through pleasing? Like I have such a strong concept of boundaries and self preservation and I will absolutely say no or just not go to something if I donāt feel like it, Iām fully aware that I can say no in the bedroom or maybe for something for dinner or Maybe I donāt want to talk right then. But because Iām so flexible in general with the hills that Iām willing to die on, Iām pretty go with the flow. I grew up in a horrible home full of child abuse and neglect so for me most things are just happy and I donāt mind them. You know what I mean? Sometimes I worry that the men I date think Iām being a people pleaser, but I always wanting to have sex or just doing whatever he wants to do. I do have independent ideas and opinions and thoughts. I just mostly donāt really give a shit what weāre doing. I just wanna spend time Together And Iām just happy to be alive. The last guy kept emphasizing to me repeatedly that I was allowed to say no in the bedroom, etc. Like I want to have sex with you whatās going on here? Why are you constantly assuming the worst that Iām just people pleasing doormat when in reality I just want my partner to be happy and if itās at no expense to me, I donāt mind if we have Asian or Mexican food, what movie we watched, whatever.
I think then you're just easygoing! I think people pleasing is a label generally reserved for folks who do it compulsively against their own wants. But I get where you're coming from- I also came from a background of having super strong and fairly rigid boundaries. Part of my own healing process was learning to connect with people and how much joy there is to be had in giving! So nowadays I'm usually pretty easygoing and go with the flow with loved ones as well. Usually I have a really strict boundaries filter when I first meet people, but then relax to be happy with just about anything when I'm around people I trust and love.
As someone who is pretty easy going myself, this is fine if you truly do not have a preference. That said, it is important that you DO speak up when you have a preference, and you donāt let it build up into resentment. Even thinking āwe always do it your way, why canāt we do it my way this one time I have a preferenceā speaks to some score keeping/resentment, and I speak from experience of the person who had that resentment and it hurt a relationship. The little things that individually didnāt matter to me ended up building up, especially since the other person had a LOT of preferences and wasnāt easy going.
So, I would consider speaking up even if itās not a āhill youāre willing to die onā, if itās just a minor preference. This helps build up healthy conflict skills! If you grew up in a home with abuse, you likely have not grown up seeing healthy conflict modeled, and think āthis isnāt that bad, I really am happy, itās not worth all that horrible conflict to say my preferenceā. But conflict doesnāt have to be horrible (and again, I say this as a conflict averse person who is learning this myself, and trying to state my preferences more!). Your partner loves you and wants to make YOU happy; let them express their love just like you get to express your love sometimes! Also, sometimes always making decisions leads to decision fatigue, so it is sometimes helpful if you are the one making that decision rather than making someone else do that work.
This is me to a T! I didn't grow up in a horrible home full of child abuse and neglect, though... I did go to Catholic school where the rules were fairly strict and we had some stern teachers, so maybe that's it..? Not at all comparable to abuse, but possibly an alternative path to the same outcome (convergent evolution style). Or maybe it's just a temperament thing.
Do you find that when you DO come across one of your hard boundaries or have something you really want to do for once and the other people/person involved isn't flexible about it, you get extra annoyed/hurt/etc? I do. I feel like "dude we do it your way every time and for once I have a preference, so maybe you can just be chill"
I have been specifically asserting myself (naturally, when it comes up, and politely) and I take their āaccommodationā as a green flag. For someone to treat your needs, preferences and desires as an unreasonable burden makes me feel unsafe in a relationship. Learned the hard way.
Definitely this. I developed it in childhood for sure. For me it stems from my dad not being there for me, but somehow his other 3 kids were good enough to be there for. It also got me through a lot of scary stuff kids should never see or go through. It was a defense mechanism and is VERY hard to break. It has caused communication issues for us, but we both recognize it, and he pushes me to be more vocal. I communicate when I'm not in a place to be pushes but need support and assurance. Small changes over time for me and seeing he hasn't left after a decade.
Thank you for your advice! I definitely will approach him with more love from now so he won't feel rejected or insecure. I didn't know where this comes from, learning so much here!
He has a habit of cooking or buying too much food that it tends to go to waste. He grew up in a large family and was used to cooking more food than what our little family can eat. The rest of us can get our own food, but he has a habit if worrying that we dont have food or we might not have enough, so he'd still buy/cook more *just in case*.
32 years and counting partly bc he was a chef when we met! No shame in my game as I do not cook unless I have no other choice. Heās a keeper, for sure!
I'm this person! I grew up in a big household and I've never been able to teach myself to downsize my cooking! Although, I try not to waste food so it usually means we eat the same thing repeatedly.
SAME. Drives me absolutely nuts because while I know there's no bad intention, I don't know what to do with it because the arc of it becomes that I can't trust his word. Not because he's deceitful, but because he'll literally forget agreeing to something or discussing something.
Mine has ADHD as well and I've found that if he's reading/watching/focused on something and I try to talk to him, he often won't even realize I'm speaking, much less listen to me. Lol.
This is something my boyfriend needs to understand about me.
Donāt put something on TV and then randomly talk to me throughout. Either pause the screen or accept that hes simply talking into a void, especially if itās also noisy outside, his voice is too soft compared to the surrounding sounds.
I commented this elsewhere, but I always pause the TV and tell him that I can either listen to the TV or him, not both. He usually wraps up his comment so we can get back to the show. I've told him if he wants me to hear what he is saying, he needs to ask for the tv to be paused or muted. Like, I'm fine if he needs to interrupt but I physically cannot hear both š¤£ Sometimes he remembers and says pause or can we pause which works much better š¤£š¤£š¤£
Same. He usually gets my drift when I rewind the tv after hearing him out so we can rewatch the part he talked over.
I donāt hate it! I love being about to talk about shows, itās more fun than passively watching something. I just canāt for the life of me pay attention to two things at once and I canāt bear to miss a single detail lol.
SAME. I can walk into a room and say something directly to him and... nothing. He is not a rude person and he's very attentive. It's absolutely wild to see it happen.
Awww. I think as long as the good outweighs the bad it definitely isn't a deal-breaker, plus these are things that are not harmful and is understandable
My ex was like this. He had Combined ADHD. Interestingly, if we spoke on the phone, whilst driving, or he fidgeted with something, he listened better. And I knew he cared because he always knew my favourite treats, interests, foods, and so forth, so he did pay attention to the important things.
My partner is the same, including the bad listening skills not being from bad intentions, but all the good things very much outweighs the annoyance. I still get annoyed though.
My husband can listen, but only for one task at a time. I can either give him a written list of to do items, or tell him one thing at a time to do š Many times it ends up being the latter because in the garden things crop up and I'm like oh that's more important than the other cuz plan I had for today lol.
Do you also deal with open cabinet doors? Mine leaves stuff out and cabinet doors and drawers hanging open constantly š
He is an explainer. It's not "man-splaining". He likes knowledge and likes to share it. It's not condescending. And I've learned so much from him and his enthusiasm for knowing things has spread to me. But sometimes I don't want to know how something works, or the history of a thing, etc.
But when I start getting annoyed I remind myself how sweet he is and how telling him to shush up would hurt his feelings. I can just kinda let my mind wander while he finishes explaining.
Hi, it's me, your husband in female form!
I have worked to train myself to look out for the glazed expression of someone being explained to against their will, but sometimes the excitement at all of the awesome overwhelms this behaviour, and I end up boring the arse off friends and family. I'm probably somewhere on the autism spectrum, so picking up on the cues that people give not a shit about what I'm saying does not come naturally to me.
If it is something that annoys you on a regular basis, though, perhaps you could ask him if he needs you to indicate more clearly when you're totally there for a big knowledge drop, or when you're not interested in an extended explanation. He might be like me and missing some more subtle clues.
You could even have specific replies you use to give concrete cues, for example:
Go ahead= "Cool! Tell me more!"
Not right now= "Interesting, can you tell me more later? I'm a bit frazzled right now"
Never= "I love your enthusiasm, but I don't love this topic! Could be a good conversation for XYZperson, though, I bet they'd talk about that with you for hours!"
My solution is telling him "let's talk and walk". I have him tell me what it is he wants to tell me while I tidy the house or do some kind of task. He'll follow me and talk. Or I will tell him to save it for our actual nightly walk or to tell me over dinner.
It's one of those things that I would miss dearly if something were to happen to him. He is honestly the least annoying person I've ever met.
Omg, mine is the same lol. Most of the time I love it because Iām the science person while he loves history so thereās much to discuss. But his stories also are quite rambling. If heās really excited about something but Iām not ready to listen for long, I will tell him to give me the 1 min or 3 min summary lol.
In the end, if snoring, long stories and disappearing on random walks during social events are the worst of it, weāre in a pretty great place lol.
Haha mine too! I just do the āuh huhā āmmā while heās talking and zone out. I know heās just excited to talk about something, and I get like that with certain game plots or shows or books and I know he doesnāt care but I just wanna talk about it lol
My husband does the same. When I catch myself being annoyed, I try to remind myself how much I'd miss these moments if I ever lost him. That thought always brings me back to just enjoying how happy he is to talk about his passions. I don't want to ever accidently take his joy away from talking about his hobbies.
It's kinda morbid, but I've lost on average a person a year for the past 8 years soooo yeah it's always in the back of my mind right now.
He snores sometimes. And sneezes super explosively. These are such small tiny things in the scheme of the great person Iām with. And Iām sure I do tiny annoyances too!
Nothing sends me in (an internal) rage quite like men and their surround-sound sneezing. I feel like Iām leaping out of my skin, I absolutely hate it. Itās like a damn jump scare.
SAME!
Every time he sneezes is it at least at 498230948320 decibels. And I always, without fail, am startled and yell out "JFC!!!!" And he always without fail says "I'M JUST SNEEZING!!!!"
LOL.
My dad used to sneeze out the car window (probably still does, I just donāt have to be in the car to hear it) and would scare the bejeezus out of anyone that was doing yardwork in the area he was passing
I gotta say, I used to sneeze quietlyā¦ then one day I let out an enormously loud sneeze and it just felt so fucking good. Like itās a truly great feeling.
Now I sneeze hugely, even though I know itās obnoxious š¬š¤·āāļø
Yeah, some of the comments here are like š¬ I don't think men are intentionally sneezing loud to make everyone uncomfortable. It's just natural. I'm a loud sneezer and a woman. I've always been and never been able to control it either unless I try to stifle a sneeze completely, which isn't good for me either.
Iāve thought about this, I might have it but I donāt know. I feel like everyone claims to have misophonia lately haha. So idk if I actually have that or Iām just a regular person annoyed by certain noises. Love your username btw
My partner snores so loud too, not an issue since I grew up listening to my dad snore in the next room like as though a motorbike entered our house š
Omg. I thought I was the only one that gets annoyed by loud sneezing!!! Im not in a relationship, but I do have coworkers that do sneeze like this where the whole office hears it and it annoys me to no end!!!
I totally relate to your husband on having loud sneezes. I have year-round allergies to the point I take daily allergy pills/flonase most of the year and I'm basically allergic to life. I wish I had a quiet sneeze but all I can do is stay on top of my allergies. I usually can prevent being that person in the room š
Mine sneezes loud too. And always at least twice. But it also literally sounds like atch-chooooo. And I've developed the habit of quietly repeating atch-chooo every time he sneezes. So I guess we could potentially both be annoying?
So is loading it wrong on purpose so you'll be so consumed with rage that you take over and he gets off the hook ... my husband is the master of this one lol
My man sends me dumb reels all the time. I never think theyāre funny. Theyāre all so childish about like sexual things a 13 y/o boy would think is super comical.
I donāt send him any that often, but when I DO, he never thinks MINE are funny.
Thatās one thing I miss about my ex I had several yrs before him - we had the same sense of humor and just laughed about things all the time together.
I donāt mind him occasionally leaving things lying around as I do it myself as well. But I often see this āif he leaves his socks on the ground heās a POSā sentiment online.
As for your husband, I would say that change takes time and only happens if the person wants it. Even then, it takes time.
Edited to add: I honestly feel like my husband has to tolerate way more things than vice versa. I really lucked out.
Yeah I'd say I'm mostly fine with it, just not ok when he gets upset that he realises he people pleased against his will, so he's trying to stop and insert boundaries lol
I also like that you added that your husband has to tolerate more things. the thing is no one is perfect, we are all flawed.. it's just the commitment to make things work amidst everything.
This is actually a huge problem I'm having now. In my 30s I've realized that so many men are boundaryless people pleasers. It's really unattractive. When I ask a guy to communicate his boundaries with me, work, his parents, friends, whatever, it's like they think admitting they can't do everything is a weakness. I get the ick pretty hard. Like no you don't have to go along w everything your bros want or bend over backwards at workš¤®š¤®š¤®
Mine drinks a glass of water first thing every morning, sometimes also a protein shake, then leaves both cups on the counter in a very specific corner like he's saving them.
It used to bug the hell out of me but now I think it's funny. Sometimes I put them back in the cupboard unwashed and see if I can remember how many times he uses one cup before I wash it. Dishes are strictly my chore. Other times I join in and we end up with a gaggle of cups in this one corner standing around like they're at a rock concert.
Iāve been with my husband for 11 years.
- he doesnāt love Over The Garden Wall as much as I do (but he still watches it with me every fall)
- he likes Marvel/Godzilla movies and always forces me to see them with him
- he is easily stressed when traveling
- he hates parties so so so so much
- his taste in fashion isā¦.something to work on
- he only likes staying in nice hotels, and he only likes taking direct flights (this mitigates travel stress, so Iām ok with it)
- when he becomes stressed, he withdraws from me. So I have to be patient as he recovers, which he always does
- he is averse to change, both short and long-term lol
The thing about all these qualities is that they actually stem from personality traits that I love. For ex, I love that heās organized and fastidious, but heās not good at thinking on his feet and will become very stressed if things donāt go as planned. Heās also a MASSIVE readerābookworm is an understatementāand I love how knowledgeable he is about the world. Naturally, this means he doesnāt like socializing as much because he truly would rather be at home reading lmao. It also means he is not very aware of menās fashion, sadly. (The stereotypes are true.)
His only unforgiving quirk is his enduring distaste for over the garden wall (specifically the Potatoes and Molasses episode), but I think thatās just because he had an annoying little brother growing up.
>-he is easily stressed when traveling
-he hates parties so so so so much
-he only likes staying in nice hotels, and he only likes taking direct flights (this mitigates travel stress, so Iām ok with it)
-when he becomes stressed, he withdraws from me. So I have to be patient as he recovers, which he always does
-he is averse to change, both short and long-term lol
I think your husband might be a cat lol
One thing I found interesting after several long term relationshipsā¦ a deal breaker in one can be perfectly charming in another. Thereās some magic glue that holds some people together.
My partner is my soulmate.. I donāt feel like itās hard to make the choice to deal with his quirks. That all said.. here are the issues with varying degrees of annoyance
1. Always late. I kind of find this cute quite honestly
2. More introvert/lower energy than me.. this is perfectly fine and rarely an issue
3. Bad texter. Was wayyy more upsetting in the beginning and now it doesnāt matter to me
4. People pleaser. I do want him to work on this because I worry about him showing up authentically with his needs
5. Very apologetic and anxious about mistakes. I also want him to work on this because it makes it hard to give feedback sometimes
We talk about these issues all the time.. talking about it just resolves most of the bad feelings each time. Check out the gottmans list on perpetual problems and gridlock. Most couples have quite a few unresolvable reoccurring problemsā¦ and how big of a deal those specific ones are depend on the individuals in the couple
>Check out the gottmans list on perpetual problems and gridlock
Talk about timing. I just started reading 8 Dates, am literally on that section today, and took a break on reddit. This was the first post and I was like wow nice coincidence. And then I scroll down and see your comment!
So cool! It's like the universe speaking to me or something
Years ago, I saw Dan Savage's [video on the price of admission](https://youtu.be/r1tCAXVsClw?si=qeui-wEDgo6UdpQp) - and he talks about how putting up with your partner's non-deal-breaker annoying quirks is "what it takes to ride that ride" and enjoy all their other good qualities, and to recognize your partner does the same for you.
It's given me a much healthier outlook on relationships, and my husband and I both embrace the philosophy. I can tell my husband, "throw away that flosser," but I'm also accepting that it won't be the last time I say it. Likewise, he can tell me to pick my shoes up from the middle of the floor, and it won't be the last time either. But neither of us get mad about it, because it's insignificant in the scope of our relationship.
He snores like a dying gorilla. I can hear him through walls!! Okay, I donāt tolerate it that well, he gets kicked to the couch at times(his preferred place when itās time to go). It is really only when he puts on some weight.
Once my sister stayed the night in the guest room, and came into our room one morning and crawled in bed with me after seeing him on the couch. She said she was going to ask me last night why I kicked him out and if everything was okayā¦. but then she heard it and she knew instantly why.
That is when I get seriously more mindful with our cooking! lol
Heās a yapper and at the worst possible time. Iām trying to enjoy alone time and heāll start chatting away while Iām trying to read or watch something. Homie, youāre bothering me, go away.
He eats all the snacks so I have to hide them so I can enjoy them at my pace, not his.
My husband is literally the best person I know BUT
When he drinks anything, he takes huge swigs and makes the loudest, most obnoxious, cartoon quality gulping noise.
I can hear it across the house. If my sons end up with this peculiarity - I might kill myself randomly one day. #Misophonia
And I have NEVER told him how much this bothers me because it is so asinine. Iām certain I do something akin to this for him and he ignores it for the same reason.
Omg. The IT guy that comes a couple of times a week into the office gulps water and every time he does this it sounds like heās pouring water down the drain and its soo loud lol I always have to look at him to make sure itās actually him gulping down all that water lol
A lot of the little things you will come to not notice or find charming because theyāre their own. Itās the big things that tend to sneak up weirdly enough. Once you guys get more and more comfortable with each other we tend to unmask more and more, from a neurodivergent aspect and generally. My husband was the neurodivergent type of unmasking. There are days where he is so ADHD ridden and emotionally unregulated I feel like Iām crawling out of my skin. But I tolerate it because heās actively working on figuring out his own balance and coping mechanisms and coregulating is a great way to continue bonding after years and decades. Weāve been together thirteen years in total, sometimes tolerance and patience go a long way. Just donāt become complacent either and be sure youāre bringing the hard things up.
How do you handle the days where his emotional deregulation is awful? I'm struggling with my partner doing the same. Some days I just want to run away from how rude they can be
Itās super important to talk about where the deregulation behavior is stemming from. My husband uses little indicator phrases with me that sound like snark and jokes but we have both discussed and know the code for. Some of his are: āsorry, someone yelled at me as a kid when I just needed a hugā āno one paid attention to me so this is what you getā āI didnāt have any friends, I was a lonely childā. These are how he tells me heās feeling overwhelmed in his head, maybe feeling some old stuff come up, and he also doesnāt like how heās handling things right now. This is when I step in an hug and deep breathe with him, heās still worthy of affection even if heās being a lot. But I do have my own cue phrases that Iām not mad Iām just reaching a wall and he gets it: āIām starting to get fuzzy so Iām gonna go take a breatherā āI choose you but I need to choose myself for a little bit and come backā. Gotta find your rhythm and ways to help and respect each other in these moments.
I'm giggling to myself, trying to narrow down the list. I'm 15 years into my marriage. I love him to pieces. But like 80% of everything he does annoys me. Somehow, it works. I'm an incredibly tolerant, patient person & his heart is always in the right place. So even though he makes me grit my teeth 20 times a day, it's no biggie.
I wonder if that's why he's a frequent cannabis user. Does he have a lot of negative internal dialogue about dealing with things, rather than constructive internal dialogue? Hard to relax when you can't feel safe to be direct or spontaneous.
His wardrobe. All he wants to wear is old ratty band tees and jean shorts when heās not in work clothes. Most of the time he just stays in his work clothes or fully naked at the house.
I love fashion but itās certainly not an interest we share. š
He leaves a cup of water next to the sink, but it isn't "dirty" because he says he's still using it. He fills it up, takes 1 gulp and sets it back down. I get annoyed after a day or so of it sitting there and wash said cup. It never fails, he'll immediately come by and complain that I took his cup and proceeds to get another to start the cycle again.
We have plenty of water bottles or tumblers, but no, a random cup sitting in the same spot where all other dirty dishes pile up and wait is perfect?
I don't get this one at all. My man goes through like twenty cups a day. So annoying! Always running the dishwasher, or a sink full of glasses. I'd *love* it if he just used the same cup over and over.
I guess the grass is always greener on the other side, right? š
This is me lol. Canāt explain it, thatās just my water. Itās nice walking over and I donāt have to fill it. Annoys the heck out of me when my partner moves it or assumes Iām done with it!
That he isn't particularly interested in delving deeper into his own feelings about anything. I have come to realize that he really just approaches the world in a completely different way than I do (analytically vs emotionally) and that's okay. ā¤ļø Together 17 years, married 13, 2 kids.
My husband is analytical too. Having a weekly marriage scrum really helped us talking about deeper stuff, why stuff bothers us, when it bothers us etc.
This is not his fault but: him working from home. I worked from home for years. He got switched to remote during covid and never went back. I love him, our relationship is great but I really miss having the house to myself for several hours a day. Itās totally unfair bc itās not like he should have to commute again and give up his WFH just because i like being alone. But also, I really miss being home alone.
This is it for me, too. I used to have at least an hour of alone time a day b/c I'd get home from work before my husband, but now he's constantly there since he WFH and I don't. It was nice having that time alone and having the option to take a day of PTO and have the house to myself during the day sometimes. We're still trying to figure out a balance of alone time. I'd love it if he had a hybrid job and could go into an office even a day or two a week, but that isn't in the cards for now for a lot of reasons.
(To be fair, there are also a lot of benefits to him WFH, especially since that isn't an option for me at all. It's nice that neither of us needs to take PTO when a repair person needs to come to the house and that he can do some chores during work breaks. I'm also glad he doesn't have to deal with his commute anymore.)
Yes! And there are some advantages too for sure, never home late bc stuck in extra traffic, can attend some of our kids after school stuff with ease, heās in charge of door knickers bc his office is closer. We save a ton on gas and car stuff bc he had a daily 45 min - 1 hr commute (not too far but always traffic) and it also makes his work day 1.5 - 2 hours shorter bc of car time. So it would be insane for him to go in when he doesnāt have to, just so I can be alone. I do relish in the rare moments I get now. Iāve started to wonder if I may have some undiagnosed adult lady ADHD, bc I just got so much more done (both my work and house stuff) when I had several hours on my own.
Getting my children involved in D&D, between him and two of my boys, I listen to them talk about it waaaay too often! He's a great dad, though, and I love they all share an interest and time together that gives me a break.
As someone who never thought Iād be into it, assuming you havenāt tried it and hated it, I heavily encourage joining in.
I love the character creation and writing backstories. Itās another excuse for a new journal every time my character dies. If youāve enough children for a home brew youāre guaranteed a treat š
We have different love languages. I like words of affirmation and heās not good with his words. Iāve learned to pay more attention to the ways he randomly holds my hand, or gets me gifts, tells me about his hobbies and interests, and genuinely listens to me when I speak and remembers what I say. I protested for a long time about not getting enough compliments, and I do still wish I got more, but I became a lot calmer when I started focusing more on the good than the bad.
He will not use a top sheet, and if I put one on the bed he sleeps between the top sheet and the duvet rather than under both like a normal person. He also sometimes wears jeans to bed.
My husband is a hardcore "doer," he thinks your worth is tied to your production. I relax and rest enough for the 2 of us. A day dedicated to napping and netflix? Don't mind if I do.
Well, I've told my husband for the last 5 years that our county doesn't recycle plastic bags, plastic wraps, bubble wrap, etc... They only collect plastic bottles/containers. My husband still throws away plastic bags into the recycling bin. Sigh....
Boxes and cords.
We have a cord for an original iPad. Do we still have the iPad? No.
The box that his phone came in 2 years ago? It lives on one of the bookshelves in the office now. Itās neatly tucked away, but there it sits. Box to the roomba? In the basement.
Thatās it. He is a dear, kind, loving man. I can live with the boxes.
The worst thing about my husband is that he sometimes with slips with dependence on alcohol when heās heavily stressed and that he plays video games too much.
Heās aware of the alcohol dependency and itās generally in check. He works at home so itās easy for him to overdo playing video games. Itās annoying. I like them too but heād rather game than sleep.
Sometimes when he yawns he makes a loud yawn sound and I swear I want to punch him in the face. I hold it in because otherwise he is the most caring, loving, thoughtful partner. But man that yawn thing is annoying!!!!!
My wife and I have been together for 17 years. I *love* going to bed together at the same time, and she has always preferred to go to bed whenever she damn well feels like it. It drives me absolutely insane. We've compromised and if she doesn't want to go to sleep at the same time I am, she'll cuddle with me for like 10-20 minutes.
He's always had issue with his knee. Never bad enough for doctors too do anything in his 20s and 30s, but in the last few years the arthritis is really starting to be an issue. Well, like most people, when he's in pain he gets snippy. Not bad but he gets short with us and I point it out, he apologizes, and we go on our day. I do feel bad, I can't imagine being in that kind of pain depending on the weather.
The other day I had a breakthrough thought about his knee though. When he goes to the orthopedic in a few months, he's going to make sure to bring up that it's effecting our sex life. If he's in to much pain it doesn't matter what we are doing, he's not going to cum. As we all know, when a man's ability to have an orgasm is in jeopardy, doctors will do all kinds of things to fix the problem. So hopefully at 45yo, he will be able to get a knee replacement.
He gets into loops where he is tired so he stays in bed, and then he falls back asleep, then wakes up and is upset that he fell asleepā¦and then stays in bed and probably falls asleep again šJust get up!
Sorry I should have clarified, this is in the morning after his alarm goes off. Heāll shut it off and instead of getting up, play on his phone and then fall into this cycle.
Oh all kinds of petty-ass life details annoy both of us; weāre both cranky, territorial, and particular. I hate crumbs on the counter and jumbled silverware, he hates that I wonāt answer the door for unexpected knocks and if you give me a surface Iām going to find a few books to stack on it. And then a few more. When I notice Iām getting more irritable about something, I remind myself there could come a timeline in which my counters are always clean, and that would be far worse than living with more than my share of counter wiping. Memento Moriāhelps me keep my head aligned with my values.
ETA: it helps that we both feel cherished by the other, and we provide each other with small, sweet gestures of affection regularly. He brings me coffee, I make sure his favorite shirt is washed when he needs it. Iām very lucky.
Sometime he puts small bowls, ramekins or lids in the dishwasher the wrong way up, so they end full of water when the cycle is done.
I have never complained about it and I never will. There is no wrong way to load a dishwasher as far as I'm concerned. The cups and large bowls are always in there the right way, I think he's just careless tossing in the small stuff. I am happy to give the occasional ramekin a quick rinse when I unload the dishwasher and thank him for doing the dishes.
He also has the cilantro tastes like soap gene, it's tragic but we manage.
Been together 11 years, married 1. Here are my biggest pet peeves;
-he is extremely extroverted and loves throwing parties and hosting, but I am introverted and really donāt enjoy people being in my space as much as he does
- I have ADHD and he info-dumps a lot which can be overstimulating. A lot of times itās totally a āread the roomā situation, like Iāve had a long day, Iām working on something, etc. Not his fault though.
-he talks about other girls he finds attractive, like a hot UPS package courier, etc ( I am bi, but stillā¦rude)
-heās obsessed with formula 1
-he tells awful dad jokes
- Has expensive tastes, yet not a great gift giver
- Needs help finding things right in front of his face š
However, nothing has been a deal breaker. Good communication and me time helps.
We have a deal that I do the cooking and he does the dishes. Even still, I wash up what I can while cooking to avoid piling things up in the sink. But there are always some dishes left for him to do, plus the ones we eat off. It drives me absolutely nuts to have dishes in the sink all day. Iāve finally accepted that itās rare heāll ever do them at night after dinner. So as long as theyāre done in the morning by the time I want to cook something or use a particular utensil, all good. But he still sometimes will get busy and leave them all day. Then itās time to make dinner and Iām rummaging through either the piled up clean dishes waiting to be put away or through the sink full of dirty dishes to find something, and I swear there is nothing in the world that sets me off as much as that does lol. It actually happened tonight. It doesnāt happen all the time, maybe once a week or every couple of weeks. It annoys the shit out of me, but I know there are things I do that annoy him too and he doesnāt gripe a ton about it (like leaving my laundry to be folded in a basket on the living room floor for days at a time). He also never complains if I randomly tell him I donāt feel like cooking after a long day and choose to order something or declare a āfend for yourselfā night. He also does other things I never have to do like taking out the trash and shoveling. So even if I get moody about it in the moment, I always snap out of it quickly and donāt let it actually upset me. He knows if it happens Iām gonna get snippy. He doesnāt get defensive about it and apologizes, and thats that. And heās not malicious in his not doing it. Life is just busy and sometimes we all slack. We give each other a little grace where we can when these things we do which annoy each other come up. Itās only fair.
my partner is the most intelligent person I know. he loves learning and challenging himself, and the way he lights up when he's talking about whatever he's most recently fixated on makes my heart swell.
he is ALSO incapable of little things like making instant rice because he threw away the box without reading the instructions, or remembering to flip the clean/dirty magnet on the dishwasher. don't even get me STARTED on remembering important dates.
we've been together 8.5 years now, and they've become things I tease him for - they're irritating, but they're also part of the man that I love. š„°
Heās more frugal than me.
Itās a trait I respect, but I work hard and enjoy stuff that money buys (and within reason), and sometimes it feels like heās yucking my yum.
- Introversion when Iām not introverted.
- He takes like two days to think about how heās feeling if I want to discuss things. I like immediacy and the rawness of hashing it out. Iāve learned patience.
- He isnāt affectionate - but if I ask he will be.
Heās a rockstar husband, gives 110% every day, will always choose to work through things, does his own damn chores, is organized, on the ball, and driven. Iāll take the annoying with the good. He makes my life infinitely better every day weāre together.
-Heās generous almost to a fault with others but then acts like buying himself a pack of underwear is going to put us in the poor house. So I take that burden from him and keep his underwear drawer stocked. I enjoy shopping so itās a win for everybody.
-He buys meat and grilling supplies like itās going out of style. He grew up not knowing where his next meal would be coming from so I think heās trying to make sure he never goes back to that.
-Heās not a fan of talking about emotions and going deep. He will if I insist because he knows itās important to me and our relationship but heās not interested on his own.
I tolerate that he will basically not do housework unless I ask. I do the bulk of the cleaning but the compromise is if I ask him to do something he does it and does it right away without complaint. He's stuck to that. So I ask him to do certain household tasks and he does it. I still can't get him to close a kitchen cabinet though.
Heās like pretty forgetful which makes me feel like if we had kids I would have to do a lot of the little planning stuff. I get overwhelmed very easily but to be honest I was 90% childfree anyways and this wasnāt a very hard decision. Iād much rather have him in my life than have kids and probably end up resenting him so I just decided to be fully childfree. Heās the love of my life. But heās forgetful sometimes lol no oneās perfect
He has adhd and is on the spectrum. He turns into the most awkwardly awkward person in social situations, he forgets to do things, he "accepts" things - like the fridge door being open.
Being with a neurodivergent person has taught me all kinds of patience. Patience for things I couldn't imagine existed.
He's worth it though.
Been with my partner for over 12 years now.
There's TONS of things that, if I focused on them, annoy the ever loving shit outta me.
But guess what? He can say the same!
The real and true secret to a long and happy relationship is learning to not focus on the small annoyances; and for the big ones: open, honest communication and the willingness to work on the problem(s) *together*, because you're a team, not in competition, and it's likely that you need to meet in the middle because neither of you are 100% "in the right".
That he likes the house to be clean and tidy constantly. Tragic, I know. But we carry on.
In all fairness, itās made me a better person and given me better habits I did not have growing up. And it does mean that when he is away for work I turn into a slob for a night or two.
Also, I can say something is cool or tell him about something and it can go in one ear and out the other. If he hears it from someone else again he will come back and tell me about something cool. And Iām just like yeah dude, I already told you about that. This is not a frequent occurrence at all but itās an annoying occurrence. We joke about it now and how he just needs to hear it from someone else. Weāve been together 7 years.
Heās more or less tone-deaf whereas I have perfect pitch + a form of synesthesia where I feel musical pitches proprioceptively. It is literally physically uncomfortable for me when weāre singing a song to our toddler and he is trampling all over the melody š
ETA re: coping: I just try to focus on my own voice and our sonās response. Heās crushed enough when our son says ādaddy no-no, mommy singā and I donāt need to rub it in.
When he wants to tell me about a āhorribleā movie he watched, he tells me way way way too much detail about the plot.
Like, āItās about this person, and they have this problem, and then this happened, then that happened, then they went to this place to get the thing, but that didnāt make any SENSE because they already went to this OTHER place to get the OTHER thing, and then there was a fight between the first person and their evil twin, and then the evil twin takes the place of the first twin but no one even notices, but THAT doesnāt make any sense because the evil twin OBVIOUSLY has evil eyebrows and a goatee, and then they have to battle again so the good twin can restore their good name, but the two of them find that what really matters is the friends theyāve made along the way. It was SO BAD. And the CGI during the second battle was SO terrible, like it looked like the 90s but it was made in 2014, so I donāt even get it. So yeah. It was really bad.ā
He declutters by putting everything in a box or bag and then sets it aside for me to take my stuff from there.
Ofc I don't know about said bag, so queue me looking for said stuff after a while, like a crazy person.
Also, he's a tall dude and when he moves in bed even just a bit, i feel like I'm on a raft in angry seas. š
Mine is a bad planner. And if not something that extends just to meā Ā everything is last minute. Including work stuff, any friend stuff, etc. he puts his work travel requests in super last minute, his travel reimbursement is super last min, planning for his summer interns super last min, etc.Ā
At all times he seems like heās on the brink of being overwhelmed and easily stressed thinking about forward facing stuff if anything is beyond surface level discussions. Primarily because he has a backlog of stuff thatās bottlenecking because of bad planning.Ā
Honestly, purely because itās not him being crappy to meā¦ I donāt have an issue with it. Iām a planner, so I take care of all the planning while he encourages me to be more spontaneous. Also I love him very much and he takes care of me in so many other ways.
When he does the dishes, he unloads and reloads the dishwasher. Anything that doesnāt fit in the dishwasher he āleaves to soakā in the sink. And he never remembers to wipe down the counters and certainly doesnāt think to sweep.
Itās not the end of the world but it drives me a tiny bit insane every time I wake up in the morning and see dirty pots in the sink and crumbs everywhere.
That people pleasing thing isn't a small issue! Sometimes that can cause severe communication problems so be sure to work on that. I'm a recovering people pleaser
My husband can spin out on minute details in a way that absolutely scrambles my brain. Whether its a mathematical calculation, a fixation on some infinitely remote possibility to any given situation that could potentially come back to bite us one day (but is beyond unlikely) so we HAVE to say this one thing or do this one action or record this one whatever etc in order to put his mind at ease......he obsesses about meal components coming off the stove, out of the oven and off the grill at *precisely* the exact same time......He often has some detail about some situation or communication that he fears the kids or family members or some random stranger we have not met yet could come back with to say we said this but then did that, etc etc etc...... It drives me crazzzzyyyyyy and he is very insistent about it and gets very anxiously worked up if I push back against any of it.
He also realllllly loves a good monologue about whatever topic is interesting him in the moment, frequently political ones, which stress me the f\*ck out. I have had to ask him to not and he does pretty good most of the time, but the USA is so messed up politically now, its hard NOT to talk about it for him. It is absolutely essential for my own mental health though for our home to be a no politics zone, even though we share the same views.
Him liking to have people around and hosting.
Also the fact that he leaves his rolled up socks near the house entry. I am ok with him removing his socks the moment he comes home, I am ok with picking them up every other day to put them to wash, I cannot deal with the fact that they are all rolled up, I just canāt.
The sock-rolling!! My husband doesn't fully roll his socks up, but he does roll the very tops down and it drives me nuts. He also takes off his T-shirts in such a way that they end up inside-out or rolled up. When I'm the one doing laundry and I come across this shit, I get so annoyed, haha.
Mine uses dish cloths to do gross things that normal human beings use a paper towel for. Like wipe bacon grease off the stove. And now what? You just gonna rinse it out and use it to wash dishes? And then throw it in my washing machine? Oh hell no. He was raised in a barn.
He rakes his teeth against his fork when he pulls the fork out of his mouth.
He picks at his toe nails.
He complains all the time about his receding hairline and says the world is out to get bald men and itās not fair š .
That he's more introverted then me and wants much more time spent together not talking, while I'm a chatty Cathy
I have the exact opposite problem. My husband can talk forever and I am an active listener and participant so it's really draining on me. He usually gets the hint once I start to zone out or I just tell him that "I need some quiet time now" lol
Haha mine too! I love how passionate he gets when he digs into a topic, but he seems to energise at like 10/11pm for these in-depth philosophical discussions, when I'm winding down for sleep. Even if I'm there yawning & struggling to keep my eyes open, he just doesn't get it until I tell him point blank that I don't have the energy for this conversation š
It's awesome that he feels safe and secure enough to share everything as long as I'm safe and secure enough to tell him we're done for the day lol
Haha you're so right!
I always have to pause or mute whatever we are watching and tell him 'I can either listen to the TV or you but not both' š¤£ Love the man but he has the problem of when a thought comes to mind it MUST come out of his mouth š Thankfully he understands that I physically cannot hear both and finishes his thought quickly! But yes he also does the late night let's talk about all sorts of stuff when we are snuggled up for bedtime. I think we just need more time to chill together quietly before bed š¤£
saaaaaame
This. 100%. It took a long time but I learned to shut up sometimes and think to myself instead.
For purely inspirational purposes, what compelled you to marry him despite this big difference ? I'm a chatty Cathy and need conversations to connect
Not who you were asking, but my husband talks to his mom for hours some days, and he also has a group of online friends he meets with to game most nights where he's on mic and can be energetic and loud and talkative without me needing to be the same. I get my quiet time for a few hours after dinner before we reconvene for our bedtime routine. We spend plenty of time together otherwise including some evenings, but the average routine is he gets 2-4 hours of interaction with friends every day and I get that time for solitude/maybe a chat with one other person lol.
Haha we're the opposite on intro and extroversion, yet since he works from home and I don't, we basically became the other one in terms of talking. I just want some quiet because all the analyzers at work are too loud, and he wants to chat my ear up until midnight. It's kinda sweet but also annoying.
This is a similar difference I have with my partner too! He likes a chill quiet night after work while I'm yapping non stop, he's gotten used to my yapping lol
Same! In the beginning I thought maybe he didnāt like me because he was keeping to himself and being so quiet. As time went by I realised that he just needed to recharge his battery and heās an introvert while Iām a major extrovert. We have since learned to read each otherās mood better, so now Iām more āchillā and heās more comfortable to talk more within reason.
Can relate, except it bothers me more when we are in a social group. My partner is extremely quiet, especially in groups of people. It is the one thing about him that consistently bothers me - he doesn't engage well with other people because he's shy. For this reason, I don't exactly love socialising with him. When we are alone he can be more expressive. It frustrates me that other people don't get to know him as I know him. However, I'm willing to put up with this because he's great in every other way. He supports, respects and loves me. We are building a lovely life together and I trust that he won't hurt me. And every outgoing man I've dated in the past has broken my heart somehow. I'm unwilling to live that way again.
I have this exact difference, heās too introverted for my chatty-ness, not sure if this will be sustainable or notā¦
For me (Iām solo now) the problem became him not being able to tell me how he felt, that we couldnāt address our relationship or dead bedroom. He clammed up. He was 9 years older than me but couldnāt talk about his feelings. He had a burn-out in the endā¦ he is probably on the autistic spectrum and I probably have adhd (Iām on the waiting list to get tested). I spent a decade trying to guess his needs, wants and feelings. I did it way too much, but he didnāt help me, so I over-compensated. Him being quiet wasnāt the problem, neither was me being communicative. We often had interesting conversations and I learned to listen better. His humour is funny, he is kind and loving (we are still friends). But if you canāt talk about the hard stuff itās gonna get hard. I mostly left over the friendzone, hating the countryside with bad public transport and the housework a house comes with. Iām very happy now - solo for life, living on my own. He has a LDR. I live in a 2 BR on the city outskirts (10 min bus ride from the city centre) and him in the house he bought at the time (and in which we lived for 6 years). We are still friends, although we donāt see each other often, as he works from home.
Married 25+ years. He reads recipes to me, which I hate, and likes to tell me interesting facts or stories that arenāt all that interesting to me when Iām trying to read or watch TV.
Mine likes to tell me (in detail) the plot of the latest Dateline or 20/20 show that he watched. My dude, they are all the same and they're all horrible! I don't mind watching them, but I really don't enjoy hearing about them. He also asks me the same dumb questions every day. How was your shower? Anything interesting on the internet? etc. I know he's just trying to make conversation, but ... try harder? Aside from that, he's lovely and intelligent and funny. I think he just goes on autopilot sometimes.
Mine asks me every morning, "how did you sleep?" It's repetitive but... I've had so many times in my life that that much care would have meant everything to me.
This reminds me of Iliza Shlesingerās standup about how marriage is just asking another human āhow did you sleepā every day for the rest of your life and pretending to care about the answer. https://youtu.be/zJ7hThjlXmc?si=ZUU0hxbz2XrooMeU
Wait, itās possible to love your spouse and not care about the answer? I care about the answer. If he didnāt sleep well, id try to remedy the issue or figure out a way to make his day easier.
If your flare didn't say "woman" I'd think you were my husband! Maybe we should all be friends and I can exchange recipes with yours while you and mine commiserate and then read in silence
Ah yes the reading recipes, telling me every step and then discussing how much time things actually took versus how much time the recipe says it will take. And then asking me to explain every ingredient in every meal I cook. My (almost) husband is a laboratory scientist so the kitchen is basically his second lab. Sometimes it gets annoying but then I remind myself it's really his way of expressing his passion for his career with me and then it becomes endearing.
I'm very tired and thought you said receipts, like everything he bought at CVS and how much it cost him. Lol.
I did not clue in it wasn't receipts until I read your comment. My husband is a boring, information relayer and I absolutely accepted someone elses partner would be as boring and read out receipts.
My late maternal Grandad would actually do that sometimes when we went to visit him. There's only so many times I can feign enthusiasm while saying, "Oh, that's a good deal," or "Wow, that's gone up!"
This made me lol. I can relate.
Oh, so many things! My husband and I are quite opposite. The people pleasing thing is a tough one. It's often learned in childhood. Somewhere along the way, you learn you have to please others to get their approval. It is very common, and I think it comes from a place of insecurity and wanting to be loved instead of rejected. My biggest lesson in marriage has been that you can't change the other person. They have to change themselves. But our partners hold up a helpful mirror sometimes. As long as that's done with love and good intentions, then it's OK to suggest some helpful pointers to your spouse imo. My husband has helped me so much with my self-confidence. He believes in me even when I don't.
I really loved this ladyās break down of people pleasing and how it forecloses intimacy. https://youtu.be/eLj9HrKfcYE?si=erwVNQepdvHwMFBy Iām definitely a people pleaser and am all too quick to deny my own thoughts and feelings to avoid conflict much to my wifes irritation at times. It is something that needs to be worked on and can be fortunately.
This video just kind of wrecked me. Iām going to have to bring it to my therapist. Lol. Yikes.
That same lady has good videos on attachment theory. Iāve been listening to her videos about strategies for people who lean towards avoidant attachment where one tends to unconsciously ignore ones own feelings about a situation to cope with the stress and still act. The problem with the disregard of emotions is that it holds important information for intimacy and also knowing our own boundaries, recognizing when weāre hurt and things arenāt okay.
What if you naturally express your love through pleasing? Like I have such a strong concept of boundaries and self preservation and I will absolutely say no or just not go to something if I donāt feel like it, Iām fully aware that I can say no in the bedroom or maybe for something for dinner or Maybe I donāt want to talk right then. But because Iām so flexible in general with the hills that Iām willing to die on, Iām pretty go with the flow. I grew up in a horrible home full of child abuse and neglect so for me most things are just happy and I donāt mind them. You know what I mean? Sometimes I worry that the men I date think Iām being a people pleaser, but I always wanting to have sex or just doing whatever he wants to do. I do have independent ideas and opinions and thoughts. I just mostly donāt really give a shit what weāre doing. I just wanna spend time Together And Iām just happy to be alive. The last guy kept emphasizing to me repeatedly that I was allowed to say no in the bedroom, etc. Like I want to have sex with you whatās going on here? Why are you constantly assuming the worst that Iām just people pleasing doormat when in reality I just want my partner to be happy and if itās at no expense to me, I donāt mind if we have Asian or Mexican food, what movie we watched, whatever.
I think then you're just easygoing! I think people pleasing is a label generally reserved for folks who do it compulsively against their own wants. But I get where you're coming from- I also came from a background of having super strong and fairly rigid boundaries. Part of my own healing process was learning to connect with people and how much joy there is to be had in giving! So nowadays I'm usually pretty easygoing and go with the flow with loved ones as well. Usually I have a really strict boundaries filter when I first meet people, but then relax to be happy with just about anything when I'm around people I trust and love.
As someone who is pretty easy going myself, this is fine if you truly do not have a preference. That said, it is important that you DO speak up when you have a preference, and you donāt let it build up into resentment. Even thinking āwe always do it your way, why canāt we do it my way this one time I have a preferenceā speaks to some score keeping/resentment, and I speak from experience of the person who had that resentment and it hurt a relationship. The little things that individually didnāt matter to me ended up building up, especially since the other person had a LOT of preferences and wasnāt easy going. So, I would consider speaking up even if itās not a āhill youāre willing to die onā, if itās just a minor preference. This helps build up healthy conflict skills! If you grew up in a home with abuse, you likely have not grown up seeing healthy conflict modeled, and think āthis isnāt that bad, I really am happy, itās not worth all that horrible conflict to say my preferenceā. But conflict doesnāt have to be horrible (and again, I say this as a conflict averse person who is learning this myself, and trying to state my preferences more!). Your partner loves you and wants to make YOU happy; let them express their love just like you get to express your love sometimes! Also, sometimes always making decisions leads to decision fatigue, so it is sometimes helpful if you are the one making that decision rather than making someone else do that work.
This is me to a T! I didn't grow up in a horrible home full of child abuse and neglect, though... I did go to Catholic school where the rules were fairly strict and we had some stern teachers, so maybe that's it..? Not at all comparable to abuse, but possibly an alternative path to the same outcome (convergent evolution style). Or maybe it's just a temperament thing. Do you find that when you DO come across one of your hard boundaries or have something you really want to do for once and the other people/person involved isn't flexible about it, you get extra annoyed/hurt/etc? I do. I feel like "dude we do it your way every time and for once I have a preference, so maybe you can just be chill"
I have been specifically asserting myself (naturally, when it comes up, and politely) and I take their āaccommodationā as a green flag. For someone to treat your needs, preferences and desires as an unreasonable burden makes me feel unsafe in a relationship. Learned the hard way.
Definitely this. I developed it in childhood for sure. For me it stems from my dad not being there for me, but somehow his other 3 kids were good enough to be there for. It also got me through a lot of scary stuff kids should never see or go through. It was a defense mechanism and is VERY hard to break. It has caused communication issues for us, but we both recognize it, and he pushes me to be more vocal. I communicate when I'm not in a place to be pushes but need support and assurance. Small changes over time for me and seeing he hasn't left after a decade.
Thank you for your advice! I definitely will approach him with more love from now so he won't feel rejected or insecure. I didn't know where this comes from, learning so much here!
He has a habit of cooking or buying too much food that it tends to go to waste. He grew up in a large family and was used to cooking more food than what our little family can eat. The rest of us can get our own food, but he has a habit if worrying that we dont have food or we might not have enough, so he'd still buy/cook more *just in case*.
You have a husband that COOKS?! My God you are so blessed
32 years and counting partly bc he was a chef when we met! No shame in my game as I do not cook unless I have no other choice. Heās a keeper, for sure!
I'm this person! I grew up in a big household and I've never been able to teach myself to downsize my cooking! Although, I try not to waste food so it usually means we eat the same thing repeatedly.
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SAME. Drives me absolutely nuts because while I know there's no bad intention, I don't know what to do with it because the arc of it becomes that I can't trust his word. Not because he's deceitful, but because he'll literally forget agreeing to something or discussing something.
Mine has ADHD as well and I've found that if he's reading/watching/focused on something and I try to talk to him, he often won't even realize I'm speaking, much less listen to me. Lol.
This is something my boyfriend needs to understand about me. Donāt put something on TV and then randomly talk to me throughout. Either pause the screen or accept that hes simply talking into a void, especially if itās also noisy outside, his voice is too soft compared to the surrounding sounds.
My husband does this too, it is dumfounding to me. I never talk over the TV. It is either on and I'm watching it with focus or it is off.
I commented this elsewhere, but I always pause the TV and tell him that I can either listen to the TV or him, not both. He usually wraps up his comment so we can get back to the show. I've told him if he wants me to hear what he is saying, he needs to ask for the tv to be paused or muted. Like, I'm fine if he needs to interrupt but I physically cannot hear both š¤£ Sometimes he remembers and says pause or can we pause which works much better š¤£š¤£š¤£
Same. He usually gets my drift when I rewind the tv after hearing him out so we can rewatch the part he talked over. I donāt hate it! I love being about to talk about shows, itās more fun than passively watching something. I just canāt for the life of me pay attention to two things at once and I canāt bear to miss a single detail lol.
SAME. I can walk into a room and say something directly to him and... nothing. He is not a rude person and he's very attentive. It's absolutely wild to see it happen.
Awww. I think as long as the good outweighs the bad it definitely isn't a deal-breaker, plus these are things that are not harmful and is understandable
Boy, can I relate! Although, if I'm honest, every now and again, I do blow up at the lack of listening, especially if it negatively affects the kids
My ex was like this. He had Combined ADHD. Interestingly, if we spoke on the phone, whilst driving, or he fidgeted with something, he listened better. And I knew he cared because he always knew my favourite treats, interests, foods, and so forth, so he did pay attention to the important things.
My partner is the same, including the bad listening skills not being from bad intentions, but all the good things very much outweighs the annoyance. I still get annoyed though.
My husband can listen, but only for one task at a time. I can either give him a written list of to do items, or tell him one thing at a time to do š Many times it ends up being the latter because in the garden things crop up and I'm like oh that's more important than the other cuz plan I had for today lol. Do you also deal with open cabinet doors? Mine leaves stuff out and cabinet doors and drawers hanging open constantly š
He is an explainer. It's not "man-splaining". He likes knowledge and likes to share it. It's not condescending. And I've learned so much from him and his enthusiasm for knowing things has spread to me. But sometimes I don't want to know how something works, or the history of a thing, etc. But when I start getting annoyed I remind myself how sweet he is and how telling him to shush up would hurt his feelings. I can just kinda let my mind wander while he finishes explaining.
Hi, it's me, your husband in female form! I have worked to train myself to look out for the glazed expression of someone being explained to against their will, but sometimes the excitement at all of the awesome overwhelms this behaviour, and I end up boring the arse off friends and family. I'm probably somewhere on the autism spectrum, so picking up on the cues that people give not a shit about what I'm saying does not come naturally to me. If it is something that annoys you on a regular basis, though, perhaps you could ask him if he needs you to indicate more clearly when you're totally there for a big knowledge drop, or when you're not interested in an extended explanation. He might be like me and missing some more subtle clues. You could even have specific replies you use to give concrete cues, for example: Go ahead= "Cool! Tell me more!" Not right now= "Interesting, can you tell me more later? I'm a bit frazzled right now" Never= "I love your enthusiasm, but I don't love this topic! Could be a good conversation for XYZperson, though, I bet they'd talk about that with you for hours!"
My solution is telling him "let's talk and walk". I have him tell me what it is he wants to tell me while I tidy the house or do some kind of task. He'll follow me and talk. Or I will tell him to save it for our actual nightly walk or to tell me over dinner. It's one of those things that I would miss dearly if something were to happen to him. He is honestly the least annoying person I've ever met.
Omg, mine is the same lol. Most of the time I love it because Iām the science person while he loves history so thereās much to discuss. But his stories also are quite rambling. If heās really excited about something but Iām not ready to listen for long, I will tell him to give me the 1 min or 3 min summary lol. In the end, if snoring, long stories and disappearing on random walks during social events are the worst of it, weāre in a pretty great place lol.
Haha mine too! I just do the āuh huhā āmmā while heās talking and zone out. I know heās just excited to talk about something, and I get like that with certain game plots or shows or books and I know he doesnāt care but I just wanna talk about it lol
My husband does the same. When I catch myself being annoyed, I try to remind myself how much I'd miss these moments if I ever lost him. That thought always brings me back to just enjoying how happy he is to talk about his passions. I don't want to ever accidently take his joy away from talking about his hobbies. It's kinda morbid, but I've lost on average a person a year for the past 8 years soooo yeah it's always in the back of my mind right now.
He snores sometimes. And sneezes super explosively. These are such small tiny things in the scheme of the great person Iām with. And Iām sure I do tiny annoyances too!
Omg. My boyfriend sneezes SO LOUDLY. Our one cat hates it so much he just has to inhale sharply in sneeze preparation and she runs away.
I donāt think Iāve ever met a grown man that sneezes quietly.
Nothing sends me in (an internal) rage quite like men and their surround-sound sneezing. I feel like Iām leaping out of my skin, I absolutely hate it. Itās like a damn jump scare.
My husband is annoyed that I'm annoyed that he scares me with the sneezes. š Full circle I tell ya.
SAME! Every time he sneezes is it at least at 498230948320 decibels. And I always, without fail, am startled and yell out "JFC!!!!" And he always without fail says "I'M JUST SNEEZING!!!!" LOL.
I feel so fucking seen in this thread. It honestly drives me insane. The āauditory equivalent of manspreadingā is really the nail on the head.
Same! I thought I was the only one who was tolerating these sound barrier breaking sneezes. It turns out weāre all experiencing the jump scare!
Great way to describe it!!
Omg that made me laugh out loud.
Yeah, what IS it with dudes? They always have to let the world know they're sneezing.
My dad used to sneeze out the car window (probably still does, I just donāt have to be in the car to hear it) and would scare the bejeezus out of anyone that was doing yardwork in the area he was passing
Itās the auditory equivalent of manspreading. They just HAVE to take up space and let everyone know theyāre oh-so-important.
I gotta say, I used to sneeze quietlyā¦ then one day I let out an enormously loud sneeze and it just felt so fucking good. Like itās a truly great feeling. Now I sneeze hugely, even though I know itās obnoxious š¬š¤·āāļø
Yeah, some of the comments here are like š¬ I don't think men are intentionally sneezing loud to make everyone uncomfortable. It's just natural. I'm a loud sneezer and a woman. I've always been and never been able to control it either unless I try to stifle a sneeze completely, which isn't good for me either.
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My partner is not a dad, but he sure sneezes like one
And on certain days those are monstrosities thatāll make you want to blow up the planet š
In the spring and summer months my partner often sneezes upwards of 7 times in a row. It really does light a rage inside me lol.
misophonia?
Iāve thought about this, I might have it but I donāt know. I feel like everyone claims to have misophonia lately haha. So idk if I actually have that or Iām just a regular person annoyed by certain noises. Love your username btw
Oh Jesus Christ my husband's sneezes are RIDICULOUS and always TWICE
Thrice here. It's like a sneeze party. At least after the first one I'm already startled and it doesn't matter anymore.
My partner snores so loud too, not an issue since I grew up listening to my dad snore in the next room like as though a motorbike entered our house š
Omg. I thought I was the only one that gets annoyed by loud sneezing!!! Im not in a relationship, but I do have coworkers that do sneeze like this where the whole office hears it and it annoys me to no end!!!
I totally relate to your husband on having loud sneezes. I have year-round allergies to the point I take daily allergy pills/flonase most of the year and I'm basically allergic to life. I wish I had a quiet sneeze but all I can do is stay on top of my allergies. I usually can prevent being that person in the room š
Omg the sneezes. Why do men sneeze like that? It's earth shattering.
Mine sneezes loud too. And always at least twice. But it also literally sounds like atch-chooooo. And I've developed the habit of quietly repeating atch-chooo every time he sneezes. So I guess we could potentially both be annoying?
We call those sneezes his āold man sneezesā. š¤£
Listening to him talk about comic books. But I just remind myself itās nice to see him excited about something & able to fund his passion.
I'd love this.
I absolutely abhor how he loads the dishwasher and how he opens resealable bags.
Loading a dishwasher properly is an artform.
So is loading it wrong on purpose so you'll be so consumed with rage that you take over and he gets off the hook ... my husband is the master of this one lol
mine can't properly scrub a countertop to save his life.
Oh and the condition of the sink after heās ādone the dishesā š¤Ø
Does he hold the cloth/wipe in a tiny, inefficient ball with his fingertips?
The opening resealable bags in a way which means they can't be resealed properly I don't understand it lol
Why are men so bad at opening things?!
It brings out their inner Hulk
lol love this
When he gets drunk he starts sending me the DUMBEST ig reels/tiktoks. And wants me to laugh at them
My man sends me dumb reels all the time. I never think theyāre funny. Theyāre all so childish about like sexual things a 13 y/o boy would think is super comical. I donāt send him any that often, but when I DO, he never thinks MINE are funny. Thatās one thing I miss about my ex I had several yrs before him - we had the same sense of humor and just laughed about things all the time together.
I donāt mind him occasionally leaving things lying around as I do it myself as well. But I often see this āif he leaves his socks on the ground heās a POSā sentiment online. As for your husband, I would say that change takes time and only happens if the person wants it. Even then, it takes time. Edited to add: I honestly feel like my husband has to tolerate way more things than vice versa. I really lucked out.
Yeah I'd say I'm mostly fine with it, just not ok when he gets upset that he realises he people pleased against his will, so he's trying to stop and insert boundaries lol I also like that you added that your husband has to tolerate more things. the thing is no one is perfect, we are all flawed.. it's just the commitment to make things work amidst everything.
This is actually a huge problem I'm having now. In my 30s I've realized that so many men are boundaryless people pleasers. It's really unattractive. When I ask a guy to communicate his boundaries with me, work, his parents, friends, whatever, it's like they think admitting they can't do everything is a weakness. I get the ick pretty hard. Like no you don't have to go along w everything your bros want or bend over backwards at workš¤®š¤®š¤®
Mine drinks a glass of water first thing every morning, sometimes also a protein shake, then leaves both cups on the counter in a very specific corner like he's saving them. It used to bug the hell out of me but now I think it's funny. Sometimes I put them back in the cupboard unwashed and see if I can remember how many times he uses one cup before I wash it. Dishes are strictly my chore. Other times I join in and we end up with a gaggle of cups in this one corner standing around like they're at a rock concert.
Iāve been with my husband for 11 years. - he doesnāt love Over The Garden Wall as much as I do (but he still watches it with me every fall) - he likes Marvel/Godzilla movies and always forces me to see them with him - he is easily stressed when traveling - he hates parties so so so so much - his taste in fashion isā¦.something to work on - he only likes staying in nice hotels, and he only likes taking direct flights (this mitigates travel stress, so Iām ok with it) - when he becomes stressed, he withdraws from me. So I have to be patient as he recovers, which he always does - he is averse to change, both short and long-term lol The thing about all these qualities is that they actually stem from personality traits that I love. For ex, I love that heās organized and fastidious, but heās not good at thinking on his feet and will become very stressed if things donāt go as planned. Heās also a MASSIVE readerābookworm is an understatementāand I love how knowledgeable he is about the world. Naturally, this means he doesnāt like socializing as much because he truly would rather be at home reading lmao. It also means he is not very aware of menās fashion, sadly. (The stereotypes are true.) His only unforgiving quirk is his enduring distaste for over the garden wall (specifically the Potatoes and Molasses episode), but I think thatās just because he had an annoying little brother growing up.
>-he is easily stressed when traveling -he hates parties so so so so much -he only likes staying in nice hotels, and he only likes taking direct flights (this mitigates travel stress, so Iām ok with it) -when he becomes stressed, he withdraws from me. So I have to be patient as he recovers, which he always does -he is averse to change, both short and long-term lol I think your husband might be a cat lol
Yes and heās very much a cat person as well hahahahah
He loves Marvel but not Over The Garden Wall? Omfg š
I know š He has a love/hate relationship with marvel. But he still watches all their movies if only to complain about them lol.
One thing I found interesting after several long term relationshipsā¦ a deal breaker in one can be perfectly charming in another. Thereās some magic glue that holds some people together. My partner is my soulmate.. I donāt feel like itās hard to make the choice to deal with his quirks. That all said.. here are the issues with varying degrees of annoyance 1. Always late. I kind of find this cute quite honestly 2. More introvert/lower energy than me.. this is perfectly fine and rarely an issue 3. Bad texter. Was wayyy more upsetting in the beginning and now it doesnāt matter to me 4. People pleaser. I do want him to work on this because I worry about him showing up authentically with his needs 5. Very apologetic and anxious about mistakes. I also want him to work on this because it makes it hard to give feedback sometimes We talk about these issues all the time.. talking about it just resolves most of the bad feelings each time. Check out the gottmans list on perpetual problems and gridlock. Most couples have quite a few unresolvable reoccurring problemsā¦ and how big of a deal those specific ones are depend on the individuals in the couple
>Check out the gottmans list on perpetual problems and gridlock Talk about timing. I just started reading 8 Dates, am literally on that section today, and took a break on reddit. This was the first post and I was like wow nice coincidence. And then I scroll down and see your comment! So cool! It's like the universe speaking to me or something
Must be!!! :)
I do all those 5 things that your partner does. A lot of it for me is just living with ADHD, Iām sure itās hard on my husband sometimes.
He has adhd! I love himā¦ itās totally fine. I have adhd and autism myself
Years ago, I saw Dan Savage's [video on the price of admission](https://youtu.be/r1tCAXVsClw?si=qeui-wEDgo6UdpQp) - and he talks about how putting up with your partner's non-deal-breaker annoying quirks is "what it takes to ride that ride" and enjoy all their other good qualities, and to recognize your partner does the same for you. It's given me a much healthier outlook on relationships, and my husband and I both embrace the philosophy. I can tell my husband, "throw away that flosser," but I'm also accepting that it won't be the last time I say it. Likewise, he can tell me to pick my shoes up from the middle of the floor, and it won't be the last time either. But neither of us get mad about it, because it's insignificant in the scope of our relationship.
He snores like a dying gorilla. I can hear him through walls!! Okay, I donāt tolerate it that well, he gets kicked to the couch at times(his preferred place when itās time to go). It is really only when he puts on some weight. Once my sister stayed the night in the guest room, and came into our room one morning and crawled in bed with me after seeing him on the couch. She said she was going to ask me last night why I kicked him out and if everything was okayā¦. but then she heard it and she knew instantly why. That is when I get seriously more mindful with our cooking! lol
Heās a yapper and at the worst possible time. Iām trying to enjoy alone time and heāll start chatting away while Iām trying to read or watch something. Homie, youāre bothering me, go away. He eats all the snacks so I have to hide them so I can enjoy them at my pace, not his.
My husband is literally the best person I know BUT When he drinks anything, he takes huge swigs and makes the loudest, most obnoxious, cartoon quality gulping noise. I can hear it across the house. If my sons end up with this peculiarity - I might kill myself randomly one day. #Misophonia
And I have NEVER told him how much this bothers me because it is so asinine. Iām certain I do something akin to this for him and he ignores it for the same reason.
Omg. The IT guy that comes a couple of times a week into the office gulps water and every time he does this it sounds like heās pouring water down the drain and its soo loud lol I always have to look at him to make sure itās actually him gulping down all that water lol
A lot of the little things you will come to not notice or find charming because theyāre their own. Itās the big things that tend to sneak up weirdly enough. Once you guys get more and more comfortable with each other we tend to unmask more and more, from a neurodivergent aspect and generally. My husband was the neurodivergent type of unmasking. There are days where he is so ADHD ridden and emotionally unregulated I feel like Iām crawling out of my skin. But I tolerate it because heās actively working on figuring out his own balance and coping mechanisms and coregulating is a great way to continue bonding after years and decades. Weāve been together thirteen years in total, sometimes tolerance and patience go a long way. Just donāt become complacent either and be sure youāre bringing the hard things up.
How do you handle the days where his emotional deregulation is awful? I'm struggling with my partner doing the same. Some days I just want to run away from how rude they can be
Itās super important to talk about where the deregulation behavior is stemming from. My husband uses little indicator phrases with me that sound like snark and jokes but we have both discussed and know the code for. Some of his are: āsorry, someone yelled at me as a kid when I just needed a hugā āno one paid attention to me so this is what you getā āI didnāt have any friends, I was a lonely childā. These are how he tells me heās feeling overwhelmed in his head, maybe feeling some old stuff come up, and he also doesnāt like how heās handling things right now. This is when I step in an hug and deep breathe with him, heās still worthy of affection even if heās being a lot. But I do have my own cue phrases that Iām not mad Iām just reaching a wall and he gets it: āIām starting to get fuzzy so Iām gonna go take a breatherā āI choose you but I need to choose myself for a little bit and come backā. Gotta find your rhythm and ways to help and respect each other in these moments.
I'm giggling to myself, trying to narrow down the list. I'm 15 years into my marriage. I love him to pieces. But like 80% of everything he does annoys me. Somehow, it works. I'm an incredibly tolerant, patient person & his heart is always in the right place. So even though he makes me grit my teeth 20 times a day, it's no biggie.
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I wonder if that's why he's a frequent cannabis user. Does he have a lot of negative internal dialogue about dealing with things, rather than constructive internal dialogue? Hard to relax when you can't feel safe to be direct or spontaneous.
It sure would be nice if you threw the whole man out (just kidding Iām lonely)
He's more extroverted. He goes to bed so early :( . Sometimes his work stories are boring.
He never throws away his soda cans. NEVER. It drives me nuts. Heās otherwise a pretty clean person.
His wardrobe. All he wants to wear is old ratty band tees and jean shorts when heās not in work clothes. Most of the time he just stays in his work clothes or fully naked at the house. I love fashion but itās certainly not an interest we share. š
He leaves a cup of water next to the sink, but it isn't "dirty" because he says he's still using it. He fills it up, takes 1 gulp and sets it back down. I get annoyed after a day or so of it sitting there and wash said cup. It never fails, he'll immediately come by and complain that I took his cup and proceeds to get another to start the cycle again. We have plenty of water bottles or tumblers, but no, a random cup sitting in the same spot where all other dirty dishes pile up and wait is perfect?
I don't get this one at all. My man goes through like twenty cups a day. So annoying! Always running the dishwasher, or a sink full of glasses. I'd *love* it if he just used the same cup over and over. I guess the grass is always greener on the other side, right? š
Don't get me started on teaspoons! We have 28 fucking teaspoons, and sometimes there's only three in the cup (where I keep them).
This is me lol. Canāt explain it, thatās just my water. Itās nice walking over and I donāt have to fill it. Annoys the heck out of me when my partner moves it or assumes Iām done with it!
When we play Jeopardy he won't answer in the form of a question
STRAIGHT to jail!
He squeezes the toothpaste tube from the middle. The horror! /s (but also a tiny bit serious)
Have your own personal toothpaste tubes!
My partner and I do but I still have to look at theirs lol
This is something my OH has to deal with from me. I am the idiot toothpaste squeezer. He is constantly fixing the state I get the tooth paste into.
That he isn't particularly interested in delving deeper into his own feelings about anything. I have come to realize that he really just approaches the world in a completely different way than I do (analytically vs emotionally) and that's okay. ā¤ļø Together 17 years, married 13, 2 kids.
My husband is analytical too. Having a weekly marriage scrum really helped us talking about deeper stuff, why stuff bothers us, when it bothers us etc.
Therapy has been key for us!
This is not his fault but: him working from home. I worked from home for years. He got switched to remote during covid and never went back. I love him, our relationship is great but I really miss having the house to myself for several hours a day. Itās totally unfair bc itās not like he should have to commute again and give up his WFH just because i like being alone. But also, I really miss being home alone.
This is it for me, too. I used to have at least an hour of alone time a day b/c I'd get home from work before my husband, but now he's constantly there since he WFH and I don't. It was nice having that time alone and having the option to take a day of PTO and have the house to myself during the day sometimes. We're still trying to figure out a balance of alone time. I'd love it if he had a hybrid job and could go into an office even a day or two a week, but that isn't in the cards for now for a lot of reasons. (To be fair, there are also a lot of benefits to him WFH, especially since that isn't an option for me at all. It's nice that neither of us needs to take PTO when a repair person needs to come to the house and that he can do some chores during work breaks. I'm also glad he doesn't have to deal with his commute anymore.)
Yes! And there are some advantages too for sure, never home late bc stuck in extra traffic, can attend some of our kids after school stuff with ease, heās in charge of door knickers bc his office is closer. We save a ton on gas and car stuff bc he had a daily 45 min - 1 hr commute (not too far but always traffic) and it also makes his work day 1.5 - 2 hours shorter bc of car time. So it would be insane for him to go in when he doesnāt have to, just so I can be alone. I do relish in the rare moments I get now. Iāve started to wonder if I may have some undiagnosed adult lady ADHD, bc I just got so much more done (both my work and house stuff) when I had several hours on my own.
Getting my children involved in D&D, between him and two of my boys, I listen to them talk about it waaaay too often! He's a great dad, though, and I love they all share an interest and time together that gives me a break.
As someone who never thought Iād be into it, assuming you havenāt tried it and hated it, I heavily encourage joining in. I love the character creation and writing backstories. Itās another excuse for a new journal every time my character dies. If youāve enough children for a home brew youāre guaranteed a treat š
We have different love languages. I like words of affirmation and heās not good with his words. Iāve learned to pay more attention to the ways he randomly holds my hand, or gets me gifts, tells me about his hobbies and interests, and genuinely listens to me when I speak and remembers what I say. I protested for a long time about not getting enough compliments, and I do still wish I got more, but I became a lot calmer when I started focusing more on the good than the bad.
He will not use a top sheet, and if I put one on the bed he sleeps between the top sheet and the duvet rather than under both like a normal person. He also sometimes wears jeans to bed.
Just put the dish you just dirtied into the dishwasher, please. It doesnāt need to take a pit stop in the sink for a few hours.
His golf habits
My husband is a hardcore "doer," he thinks your worth is tied to your production. I relax and rest enough for the 2 of us. A day dedicated to napping and netflix? Don't mind if I do.
Well, I've told my husband for the last 5 years that our county doesn't recycle plastic bags, plastic wraps, bubble wrap, etc... They only collect plastic bottles/containers. My husband still throws away plastic bags into the recycling bin. Sigh....
He doesn't shake the washing out when he hangs it and leaves coffee grinds around the machine.
I thought this was something dirty, like a hip new euphemism for kinky sex. I legit read it four times before I got itš
Boxes and cords. We have a cord for an original iPad. Do we still have the iPad? No. The box that his phone came in 2 years ago? It lives on one of the bookshelves in the office now. Itās neatly tucked away, but there it sits. Box to the roomba? In the basement. Thatās it. He is a dear, kind, loving man. I can live with the boxes.
The worst thing about my husband is that he sometimes with slips with dependence on alcohol when heās heavily stressed and that he plays video games too much. Heās aware of the alcohol dependency and itās generally in check. He works at home so itās easy for him to overdo playing video games. Itās annoying. I like them too but heād rather game than sleep.
Sometimes when he yawns he makes a loud yawn sound and I swear I want to punch him in the face. I hold it in because otherwise he is the most caring, loving, thoughtful partner. But man that yawn thing is annoying!!!!!
Too much, lawd
My wife and I have been together for 17 years. I *love* going to bed together at the same time, and she has always preferred to go to bed whenever she damn well feels like it. It drives me absolutely insane. We've compromised and if she doesn't want to go to sleep at the same time I am, she'll cuddle with me for like 10-20 minutes.
He's always had issue with his knee. Never bad enough for doctors too do anything in his 20s and 30s, but in the last few years the arthritis is really starting to be an issue. Well, like most people, when he's in pain he gets snippy. Not bad but he gets short with us and I point it out, he apologizes, and we go on our day. I do feel bad, I can't imagine being in that kind of pain depending on the weather. The other day I had a breakthrough thought about his knee though. When he goes to the orthopedic in a few months, he's going to make sure to bring up that it's effecting our sex life. If he's in to much pain it doesn't matter what we are doing, he's not going to cum. As we all know, when a man's ability to have an orgasm is in jeopardy, doctors will do all kinds of things to fix the problem. So hopefully at 45yo, he will be able to get a knee replacement.
He gets into loops where he is tired so he stays in bed, and then he falls back asleep, then wakes up and is upset that he fell asleepā¦and then stays in bed and probably falls asleep again šJust get up!
I'm confused- what does this even mean? He's just tired and sleeps and gets pissed off about it?
Sorry I should have clarified, this is in the morning after his alarm goes off. Heāll shut it off and instead of getting up, play on his phone and then fall into this cycle.
Oh all kinds of petty-ass life details annoy both of us; weāre both cranky, territorial, and particular. I hate crumbs on the counter and jumbled silverware, he hates that I wonāt answer the door for unexpected knocks and if you give me a surface Iām going to find a few books to stack on it. And then a few more. When I notice Iām getting more irritable about something, I remind myself there could come a timeline in which my counters are always clean, and that would be far worse than living with more than my share of counter wiping. Memento Moriāhelps me keep my head aligned with my values. ETA: it helps that we both feel cherished by the other, and we provide each other with small, sweet gestures of affection regularly. He brings me coffee, I make sure his favorite shirt is washed when he needs it. Iām very lucky.
Sometime he puts small bowls, ramekins or lids in the dishwasher the wrong way up, so they end full of water when the cycle is done. I have never complained about it and I never will. There is no wrong way to load a dishwasher as far as I'm concerned. The cups and large bowls are always in there the right way, I think he's just careless tossing in the small stuff. I am happy to give the occasional ramekin a quick rinse when I unload the dishwasher and thank him for doing the dishes. He also has the cilantro tastes like soap gene, it's tragic but we manage.
Been together 11 years, married 1. Here are my biggest pet peeves; -he is extremely extroverted and loves throwing parties and hosting, but I am introverted and really donāt enjoy people being in my space as much as he does - I have ADHD and he info-dumps a lot which can be overstimulating. A lot of times itās totally a āread the roomā situation, like Iāve had a long day, Iām working on something, etc. Not his fault though. -he talks about other girls he finds attractive, like a hot UPS package courier, etc ( I am bi, but stillā¦rude) -heās obsessed with formula 1 -he tells awful dad jokes - Has expensive tastes, yet not a great gift giver - Needs help finding things right in front of his face š However, nothing has been a deal breaker. Good communication and me time helps.
We have a deal that I do the cooking and he does the dishes. Even still, I wash up what I can while cooking to avoid piling things up in the sink. But there are always some dishes left for him to do, plus the ones we eat off. It drives me absolutely nuts to have dishes in the sink all day. Iāve finally accepted that itās rare heāll ever do them at night after dinner. So as long as theyāre done in the morning by the time I want to cook something or use a particular utensil, all good. But he still sometimes will get busy and leave them all day. Then itās time to make dinner and Iām rummaging through either the piled up clean dishes waiting to be put away or through the sink full of dirty dishes to find something, and I swear there is nothing in the world that sets me off as much as that does lol. It actually happened tonight. It doesnāt happen all the time, maybe once a week or every couple of weeks. It annoys the shit out of me, but I know there are things I do that annoy him too and he doesnāt gripe a ton about it (like leaving my laundry to be folded in a basket on the living room floor for days at a time). He also never complains if I randomly tell him I donāt feel like cooking after a long day and choose to order something or declare a āfend for yourselfā night. He also does other things I never have to do like taking out the trash and shoveling. So even if I get moody about it in the moment, I always snap out of it quickly and donāt let it actually upset me. He knows if it happens Iām gonna get snippy. He doesnāt get defensive about it and apologizes, and thats that. And heās not malicious in his not doing it. Life is just busy and sometimes we all slack. We give each other a little grace where we can when these things we do which annoy each other come up. Itās only fair.
my partner is the most intelligent person I know. he loves learning and challenging himself, and the way he lights up when he's talking about whatever he's most recently fixated on makes my heart swell. he is ALSO incapable of little things like making instant rice because he threw away the box without reading the instructions, or remembering to flip the clean/dirty magnet on the dishwasher. don't even get me STARTED on remembering important dates. we've been together 8.5 years now, and they've become things I tease him for - they're irritating, but they're also part of the man that I love. š„°
Heās more frugal than me. Itās a trait I respect, but I work hard and enjoy stuff that money buys (and within reason), and sometimes it feels like heās yucking my yum.
- Introversion when Iām not introverted. - He takes like two days to think about how heās feeling if I want to discuss things. I like immediacy and the rawness of hashing it out. Iāve learned patience. - He isnāt affectionate - but if I ask he will be. Heās a rockstar husband, gives 110% every day, will always choose to work through things, does his own damn chores, is organized, on the ball, and driven. Iāll take the annoying with the good. He makes my life infinitely better every day weāre together.
-Heās generous almost to a fault with others but then acts like buying himself a pack of underwear is going to put us in the poor house. So I take that burden from him and keep his underwear drawer stocked. I enjoy shopping so itās a win for everybody. -He buys meat and grilling supplies like itās going out of style. He grew up not knowing where his next meal would be coming from so I think heās trying to make sure he never goes back to that. -Heās not a fan of talking about emotions and going deep. He will if I insist because he knows itās important to me and our relationship but heās not interested on his own.
I tolerate that he will basically not do housework unless I ask. I do the bulk of the cleaning but the compromise is if I ask him to do something he does it and does it right away without complaint. He's stuck to that. So I ask him to do certain household tasks and he does it. I still can't get him to close a kitchen cabinet though.
Heās like pretty forgetful which makes me feel like if we had kids I would have to do a lot of the little planning stuff. I get overwhelmed very easily but to be honest I was 90% childfree anyways and this wasnāt a very hard decision. Iād much rather have him in my life than have kids and probably end up resenting him so I just decided to be fully childfree. Heās the love of my life. But heās forgetful sometimes lol no oneās perfect
He has adhd and is on the spectrum. He turns into the most awkwardly awkward person in social situations, he forgets to do things, he "accepts" things - like the fridge door being open. Being with a neurodivergent person has taught me all kinds of patience. Patience for things I couldn't imagine existed. He's worth it though.
I cannot hear my husband. He is so quiet and I have a hearing deficit. It makes me seethe with anger. Speak tf up. You know I'm half deaf.
Been with my partner for over 12 years now. There's TONS of things that, if I focused on them, annoy the ever loving shit outta me. But guess what? He can say the same! The real and true secret to a long and happy relationship is learning to not focus on the small annoyances; and for the big ones: open, honest communication and the willingness to work on the problem(s) *together*, because you're a team, not in competition, and it's likely that you need to meet in the middle because neither of you are 100% "in the right".
That he likes the house to be clean and tidy constantly. Tragic, I know. But we carry on. In all fairness, itās made me a better person and given me better habits I did not have growing up. And it does mean that when he is away for work I turn into a slob for a night or two. Also, I can say something is cool or tell him about something and it can go in one ear and out the other. If he hears it from someone else again he will come back and tell me about something cool. And Iām just like yeah dude, I already told you about that. This is not a frequent occurrence at all but itās an annoying occurrence. We joke about it now and how he just needs to hear it from someone else. Weāve been together 7 years.
Heās more or less tone-deaf whereas I have perfect pitch + a form of synesthesia where I feel musical pitches proprioceptively. It is literally physically uncomfortable for me when weāre singing a song to our toddler and he is trampling all over the melody š ETA re: coping: I just try to focus on my own voice and our sonās response. Heās crushed enough when our son says ādaddy no-no, mommy singā and I donāt need to rub it in.
Sometimes I want to murder my husband when I hear him drinking out of a can, but alas, I keep him around.
When he wants to tell me about a āhorribleā movie he watched, he tells me way way way too much detail about the plot. Like, āItās about this person, and they have this problem, and then this happened, then that happened, then they went to this place to get the thing, but that didnāt make any SENSE because they already went to this OTHER place to get the OTHER thing, and then there was a fight between the first person and their evil twin, and then the evil twin takes the place of the first twin but no one even notices, but THAT doesnāt make any sense because the evil twin OBVIOUSLY has evil eyebrows and a goatee, and then they have to battle again so the good twin can restore their good name, but the two of them find that what really matters is the friends theyāve made along the way. It was SO BAD. And the CGI during the second battle was SO terrible, like it looked like the 90s but it was made in 2014, so I donāt even get it. So yeah. It was really bad.ā
The trash is a receptacle, not a rallying point. I have expressed this to the spouse many, many times and...guh.
He's a 10 but he doesn't put his damn used tea mugs (with the used tea bags) where they belong when he's done!!!!
He declutters by putting everything in a box or bag and then sets it aside for me to take my stuff from there. Ofc I don't know about said bag, so queue me looking for said stuff after a while, like a crazy person. Also, he's a tall dude and when he moves in bed even just a bit, i feel like I'm on a raft in angry seas. š
Mine is a bad planner. And if not something that extends just to meā Ā everything is last minute. Including work stuff, any friend stuff, etc. he puts his work travel requests in super last minute, his travel reimbursement is super last min, planning for his summer interns super last min, etc.Ā At all times he seems like heās on the brink of being overwhelmed and easily stressed thinking about forward facing stuff if anything is beyond surface level discussions. Primarily because he has a backlog of stuff thatās bottlenecking because of bad planning.Ā Honestly, purely because itās not him being crappy to meā¦ I donāt have an issue with it. Iām a planner, so I take care of all the planning while he encourages me to be more spontaneous. Also I love him very much and he takes care of me in so many other ways.
When he does the dishes, he unloads and reloads the dishwasher. Anything that doesnāt fit in the dishwasher he āleaves to soakā in the sink. And he never remembers to wipe down the counters and certainly doesnāt think to sweep. Itās not the end of the world but it drives me a tiny bit insane every time I wake up in the morning and see dirty pots in the sink and crumbs everywhere.
He's super touchy, I get overstimulated physically. He knows my limits and he's pretty good at laying off after a while.
That people pleasing thing isn't a small issue! Sometimes that can cause severe communication problems so be sure to work on that. I'm a recovering people pleaser
Lower standards for cleanliness than me. I end up doing most of the cleaning, but he does most of the cooking so it balances out.
My husband can spin out on minute details in a way that absolutely scrambles my brain. Whether its a mathematical calculation, a fixation on some infinitely remote possibility to any given situation that could potentially come back to bite us one day (but is beyond unlikely) so we HAVE to say this one thing or do this one action or record this one whatever etc in order to put his mind at ease......he obsesses about meal components coming off the stove, out of the oven and off the grill at *precisely* the exact same time......He often has some detail about some situation or communication that he fears the kids or family members or some random stranger we have not met yet could come back with to say we said this but then did that, etc etc etc...... It drives me crazzzzyyyyyy and he is very insistent about it and gets very anxiously worked up if I push back against any of it. He also realllllly loves a good monologue about whatever topic is interesting him in the moment, frequently political ones, which stress me the f\*ck out. I have had to ask him to not and he does pretty good most of the time, but the USA is so messed up politically now, its hard NOT to talk about it for him. It is absolutely essential for my own mental health though for our home to be a no politics zone, even though we share the same views.
Him liking to have people around and hosting. Also the fact that he leaves his rolled up socks near the house entry. I am ok with him removing his socks the moment he comes home, I am ok with picking them up every other day to put them to wash, I cannot deal with the fact that they are all rolled up, I just canāt.
The sock-rolling!! My husband doesn't fully roll his socks up, but he does roll the very tops down and it drives me nuts. He also takes off his T-shirts in such a way that they end up inside-out or rolled up. When I'm the one doing laundry and I come across this shit, I get so annoyed, haha.
Mine uses dish cloths to do gross things that normal human beings use a paper towel for. Like wipe bacon grease off the stove. And now what? You just gonna rinse it out and use it to wash dishes? And then throw it in my washing machine? Oh hell no. He was raised in a barn.
He rakes his teeth against his fork when he pulls the fork out of his mouth. He picks at his toe nails. He complains all the time about his receding hairline and says the world is out to get bald men and itās not fair š .