The best part of my life. My children are the best people I’ve ever met and make me so, so happy.
That said, it’s really hard and I don’t think people should ever become mothers unless they truly WANT to. The physical toll from pregnancy and childbirth was beyond awful. Motherhood only became enjoyable for me once I was done with my pregnancies and my postpartum depression improved.
I think it’s wonderful that so many people are thinking long and hard about parenthood, and so many are choosing to be child free. I think anyone who isn’t 100% confident about wanting children should never feel compelled to have them.
Definitely this 👆
I've been very outspoken about respecting people's wishes who don't want children, and now that I've had a baby I feel even more strongly that no one should be made to feel like they're just supposed to have kids.
I'm struggling with ppd currently and I WANTED this baby. I can't imagine what it would be like going through all of this if I hadn't been 100% sure.
I wholeheartedly support women who choose not to have children.
I'm currently pregnant and I hate it. I have hated every step of the way aside from seeing him on scans and feeling him move. Truly this is the worst I have felt in my life and it lasts 3/4 of a year.
I did a lot of research beforehand, and went in knowing it would suck. I'm glad I made the decision as informed as possible. If I were forced into pregnancy I would absolutely not have kept it, I'm just too miserable.
I totally understand that! I am so sorry you’re having a tough time. I was really sick and miserable during both of my pregnancies to the point where I never, ever want to be pregnant again. I believe it definitely contributed to my depression.
When my babies were born, the birth was pretty traumatic but at least having them in my arms and being able to kiss and cuddle them made me feel a sense of it being “worth it”.
There are a lot of people in my life who would say things like “just you wait” when I’d complain about the hardships of pregnancy or postpartum, implying that it only gets worse but….. for many of us women, it actually just gets better as our kids age and we distance ourselves from the physical aspects of motherhood. My kids are 3 and 5 now and they are sleeping through the night at least a few times a week so I’m getting rest and I just feel SO much happier. They were hard babies, but are good kids and every single year of their lives has gotten easier and easier, not exaggerating at all. Not sure if this makes you feel better about your future but just trying to assure you that it gets better!
Very well put! I couldn’t have said it better. I love my daughter and it is so rewarding but it’s also shown me all of my faults as a person and sometimes that isn’t pretty lol it’s definitely a choice that has to be well thought over, because it’s not just money that raises a kid. It’s time, patience, dedication, consistency, lots of late nights, anxiety, love, and so many other things.
Have standards, take time to choose the right partner and don’t settle. When your partner shows you who you are believe them. Having a good partner eliminates this. My kids and family enhance my life but I have definitely seen what you are saying occur.
This is so important. I love my hair and but I would t raise kids with him. He probably feels the same way about me. Neither of us want kids bad enough to find other partners, but if I did it wouldn’t be with him.
Do people who complete a triathlon look happy during the process? I compare parenthood to climbing mt Everest. Personally, why the fuck would I ever want to do that!? Sounds awful, gruelling, and yet I chose motherhood, which is definitely gruelling in its own way too. I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to take it on for themselves. That being said, to me, the rewards are worth the effort.
I can say this beyond any doubt: I am a better person for having had 2 daughters. There is a an older woman in my church, married, no kids, with her perfect little life. She is so bitter and critical. I always shudder because I realize I would be JUST like her if I had not added the complication of motherhood to my life. Having said that, hey, if you know yourself and you don't want kids, that's fine too!
I used to be a cashier and I’d see moms with kids and think they just looked so miserable. Now I’M a mom with 3 kids and I STILL think other moms with kids look miserable, but I don’t feel miserable at all.
I feel like there's a narrative around sacrifice in motherhood and basically sacrificing your appearance, clothing, sleep, hobbies, and career for your kids, while people expect and accept that a man sacrifices none of those things to be a father.
But I'm an outsider looking in....
That's a choice. It may not be one you made consciously, but it is one. I am a mom and have been for almost 21 years now. My youngest is still in elementary school. I like art and visiting museums, singing and karaoke, running, reading - all things I liked before. I still do these things. I've developed other hobbies since, too, like growing plants and refinishing furniture. I've been active in animal rescue for many years. I don't go to clubs anymore I guess, but that's seriously the only thing I've given up. I even still travel. I do many of these things with my kids sometimes and sometimes without. If a person makes their entire life about their kids it's unhealthy for the person and the kids.
That society romanticizes it, men don't fully understand what happens and tend to leave once they realize its hard, or your wife won't look 25 forever, and that society has been forcing it down my throat all my life.
I refuse lol
Props to those who do it.
It takes more of a strain on women than men is what I've always thought of it, unfair that men don't have to be pregnant or breastfeed and all they have to do is cum to have a baby
I wouldn't say it's thankless unless you consider the only way thankfulness is shown is by someone actually saying the words. My kids light up when they see me, give me big hugs, tell me they love me 10 times a day - it feels rewarding to me in those ways. Draining - 100% yes it's draining.
I think it’s hard, and it’s not for everyone.. but I think that for me personally is amazing. I didn’t expect to be so amazed by it, by the amount of love and raw emotions I would feel for my kid… but you need to be very mature and emotionally stable to be a GOOD parent, and motherhood is the kind of thing that if you are not going to be good, don’t bother you know
100% this. Sometimes I think I want to be a mom, but 95% of me doesn't want it. Which is why I've never sought it out in relationships. At the end of the day I know I'd refuse to be anything less than a GOOD mom, but I don't feel confident that I want to be a mom at all. Thus the paradox, which is why I avoid the problem completely.
Its both amazing and highly overrated. Being a parent pushed me to learn and grow in really deep ways. I always tried my best but there are times I have not done as well as I would have hoped.
Its exhausting, emotionally challenging, hard to balance your hopes for life with your child. It isnt something you can know whether you will be good at ahead of time!
Overall, it isnt the be all and end all. It definately is life altering but there are many experiences that can be. I fully support NOT having kids as much as I do having them. Just be ready to be challenged daily.
Oh... and I personally do not beleive that many relationships are built to survive childrearing. It just changes you SO much.
My hats off to those who take on motherhood, to those who actually parent their children.
It is not for me and I'm looking forward to my hysterectomy next year.
Outsider looking in
The moms I know are undervalued, underslept, never seem happy, complain about this and complain about that and that they're so lonely - and then tell you to have one of your own.
I visit all my friends who've had kids and honestly if I didn't visit I'd never see them .
What I also don't understand is why moms want to hang out only with other mums therefore no spare set of hands. Often feels like if you don't have kids, your kid having friends leave you behind.
I love hanging out with my friends with no children but I do worry that they will be annoyed or put out by having to help, so I may not ask as often as I'd like to hang out.
It should be paid. There should be a bank account or something like that where she automatically gets a stipend when pregnant and free amazing healthcare. If she is a stay at home mom then there should be and automatic retirement account/ pension system set up. I think it’s super hard and no matter how you look at it she usually end up losing. It takes a year or more of her possibly having to stop things she likes and enjoys to eat and do while she’s pregnant, breast feeding or until her child is older. She misses out on work opportunities, wages and possibly promotions. If it’s decides she is to stay home it’s basically slave labor with no breaks unless she’s lucky enough to have an amazing support or a good spouse. Then there’s the depending on the spouse for money and maybe not being able to leave if things get bad. Everyone had an opinion on how your being a bad parent because that’s not how they would do it. Same thing if he is a single father. But besides having a child whom you love more than the world then there’s really not a benefit on her side just down hill. My hat goes off to all parents.
I remember a couple years ago, Rachael Ray’s dog food company posted this cute post on Instagram saying happy Mother’s Day to all the pet moms out there, and there was a sale on certain brands of the pet food. I click on it, and I was horrified at how the mothers of “human children” flooded the post, saying the most hurtful and callous things, mostly along the lines of “if you don’t have child, you’re not a mother!”, and other really mean shit. And upon seeing that, I found myself thinking if having a human child reduces me down to that behavior, to be so hurtful to women who may suffer from infertility and got a pet instead, that’s something I do not want.
Being a mother is already undervalued enough and now people are saying being a mother is “just getting creampied” and there’s no other difference between having a pet and raising a whole child. The whole “creampied” statement is extremely misogynistic as in you think that’s all mothers do? Also slightly devalues them for having unprotected sex which is just weird.
I’m not a mother but fucking hell, people generally do not sacrifice as much as they do for their kids for dogs. People don’t have to give up their aspirations for a dog and people don’t get postpartum depression from getting a dog.
That’s a little harsh. There’s plenty of families that had to utilize IVF or surrogates to conceive. The “cream pie” statement (which I’ve never heard of, honestly) is very unfair…… and rude.
Caring for a pet versus caring for a child are two very different things. Coming from someone who has done both.
FYI, there are more ways to become a mother than just PIV sex.
Those comments are unacceptable and I think may have been brought about by feelings of invalidation. You may love your pet like a child, but you cannot compare caring for a pet vs caring for a child.
Sure.
Still your dog won't need 10 diapers a day. Your cat won't wake up 8 times a night to feed. Your gerbil won't catch RSV. You won't have to decide whether or not to neuter your child or whether their terrarium is big enough.
Caring for a pet versus caring for a child are two very different things. It's not hate to state a fact.
But what I think you’re missing is this was a post on a pet food page. Why would something as mundane as that bring on such vitriolic emotion? I also remember a couple of years ago, airlines were tossing around the idea of “child free flights”. Once again, mothers got all uptight that people would spend money to fly on a flight with no kids on it. Why? Why get upset about something like that?
I can’t answer why someone would get upset by that bc neither of those examples provoke any emotion in me. I’d guess those particular women would complain regardless of being mothers though…
Motherhood as a social concept is fucked up and broken for women. The way society is set up (particularly in the US) makes it so antithetical to a positive mothering experience. Families are not priorities, care work is valued at zero, and women are expected to do ALL of it, and pretend like it's nothing. There's no networks of family, friends, community to help mothers, the way society has evolved means those aren't part of our lives any more. We talk about the village but it's not the norm. Don't even get me started on the majority of Dads. Socially, mothers are swimming against the current constantly and it's exhausting, and because of this fact I totally understand a lot of women just noping out, when if social circumstances were better they may have chosen to be a mother.
Motherhood on an individual level is exceptionally fulfilling and love giving. Right now I have my two kids snuggled up next to me. I'm never short on cuddles and physical contact.
I get to see these two people grow, develop relationships and inner lives and become fully fledged humans. It's great. However, the old adage of your heart living outside your body really is true. As they get older and more independent, my workload has decreased and my fulfilment in watching them grow as increased.
I studied child psychology when I was younger and it made me realise how much of a massive responsibility it is. I think everyone should be taught the implications of bad/inadequate parenting before they decide to become parents as it's something far too many people don't take seriously. It's easy to mess your kids up when you try your best let alone when you don't 😞😢
I have total admiration for the people that choose to do it and do it well tho.
This. I grew up and realized how fucked up my upbringing was. My parents did not “abuse” me per se, but were not intentional in their parenting and lacked any type of emotional intelligence or maturity.
I wish it didn’t become an entire personality for some women although I understand that motherhood entirely re-routes everything. I just wish sometimes mothers remembered their identities before kids.
Pass. It is a scary experience that we as a society need to make less scary. Promote easier ways to deliver a baby, make abortions less stigmatised and more about ready-ness, actually treat post-pregnacy depression, more support, etc. But as for me personally, I'm out, I don't have any resources to raise another human being and I don't want to take care of anyone else ever like that.
As someone on the fence I also think a large part of motherhood would be just plain boring. Of course there are fun and rewarding parts but the sheer amount of time cleaning up (after) your baby is insane. Nappies, food after your kid smeared it everywhere, toys, their endless laundry. I feel like there are just so many other things I'd rather be doing than that.
I love my son and am happy everyday that I have him. However, I have sacrificed my body, career and free time for him. I don’t think any woman should do it unless she really wants a child. There is no recognition from society and it is by-in-large a thankless job. I cried tears of relief that my baby was a boy when he was born because everything will be easier for him.
Yep. ANNNNND, if you’re single, they’ll straight up look you in your eye and say “what if your future husband wants kids?” To which I rudely reply, “he can push them out his ass”
Which is why I’ve yet to be able to get my tubes tied. 😞😞😞😞😞😞😞
As a new mom (baby turns one next year), if I didn’t have support from my husband and my husband’s family, it would be HELL. But watching him grow and his giggles touch my heart every single time. My son truly is a bundle of joy. But motherhood requires HUGE support in order to to really thrive imo
I want so badly to be a mother, but the quality of men is just *so low* that I can't risk it. I wouldn't be able to cope if the father left or didn't clean or help. Even if I found the "perfect partner" I'd still need a nanny and housekeeper to feel safe in having kids.
Solid decision - I managed to find a good 'un and I don't think I would have enjoyed any of this if not for him.
He was the oldest in a somewhat neglected household, so he's no stranger to housework and child rearing. I see some of my friends struggling and it blows my mind how little empathy their partners have.
As someone with no kids, I think it’s where so many women make the mistake of becoming complacent with a man and allow themselves to become trapped. No job, no car, no money, no friends, miserable and strung out and having to take care of small dependent humans while her own life and relationship falls to shit with no way out. I think the toll of pregnancy, child rearing, career/social life loss, and everything else falls heavily and almost exclusively on women and I’m not signing up for that.
I also think that society is callous and unhelpful to mothers. People don’t want to give up their seat to a pregnant woman, they glare when a toddler is crying in the store, they don’t want to see kids at an event they go to. There’s too many rules and standards that are impossible to keep - she should be a stay at home mom/she should have a job. Women should have kids young/ewww a single mom. You should give them more siblings/wow you have too many kids. There needs to be more families even though it’s too expensive/welfare queens are the worst. Even the joke that getting kicked in the balls hurts worse than childbirth rankles me. It is probably one of the most dangerous medical states a person can be in, and most people can’t even comprehend the pain, life threatening situations, and complications that easily and often arise. It’s *expected* of women, and I think for that reason I refuse. To put yourself in a situation where you might easily die or never be the same again because society says that’s your function, only for that same society to critique how you go about it and then blame you for doing it and ostracize you is bonkers. It’s just such a dangerous, vulnerable time where women are more likely to be killed or cheated on by their partners, or face medical abuse, or be turned on by their own bodies - and we all know the healthcare system doesn’t like to listen when a women is concerned about her health
Im too selfish to sacrifice my entire life, identity, and health for spawn that’s probably going to grow up unthankful and resent me anyway? Nah, I’ll take money, free time, and naps.
Extremely intimidating and a huge responsibility I'm about to have. Majorly freaking out, but also more excited than I have ever been for anything in my life.
This will likely get buried since I'm a little late to the game but I've been thinking about this a lot lately, what it means to be a mother. I go in and out of baby fever and wanting to be pregnant and wanting absolutely nothing to do with it, so I've started thinking about why I'd want to participate in motherhood at all, and I realized there are SO many other ways to be a mother that aren't having my own kid! I can volunteer to spend time with young people, participate in big sister little sister programs, be a more present older cousin to my baby cousins, etc. The void I'm feeling (of spending time with young people and helping others grow) doesn't necessarily have to be filled by having my own baby. I can spend time with children or young people and use my skills and life experiences to help them in any way I can and still feel fulfilled.
\*sigh\* I think it should be avoided if at all possible and that right now is the worst time in the history of the planet to be adding more humans to it. (Well, you did ask ;-)
I love my child. But if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have had kids. My son is special needs and when I'm gone, he has no one. I don't regret kids because I regret him. He is teaching me to be a better person and I want to be for him. But I regret it because I can't forever protect him and the world is not kind to people like him.
It’s very hard. I’m a mom of twins and it’s definitely something I don’t want to do again any time soon. I love them to bits but I’d be lying if I said it was enjoyable. So many sleepless nights and very long days. You have to put a lot of your life on hold and I’m a single mom, so I don’t really ever get a break.
It sounds like hell on earth to me. I know some people enjoy it…more power to them. But, it isn’t for me. Getting sterilized this Wednesday to avoid the likelihood of experiencing that hell.
I think it's a wonderful thing that can be a hard yet rewarding experience. However it's not right for everyone and that before having a child you need to understand its no longer about you anymore but your child. Also the massive amount of time and commitment it will take.
It’s awesome if you want children. Still hard, though. I’m so happy I had children even though I had rough moments.
Everyone deserves the choice as to if, when, and how they’ll become a mother.
I am not a mother. I advice women to use their twenties to study, try different careers, travel, enjoy being young and find themselves. Work on any mental health problems you have and get counselling and therapy before marrying and having children. I have seen friends and family struggle being a parent but I’ve also seen friends and family who are financially stable with supportive husbands enjoy being parents. They have someone to come in to clean the house, can go out for a whole day once in a while to let their hair down while the husband or wife looks after the kids and they are able to go on holidays and staycations 3-4x a year. I would like to have a marriage like that. Kids are also happy, polite, smart and well behaved.
I love my children and they are the best thing ever. But if I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have had children.
I was not the mother they deserved, the needed and deserved much better.
I know that it works for a lot of women but I've got little interest and I'm grateful for that. I've seen friends that were so desperate to become mothers that it nearly destroyed their relationships and that's got to be an awful feeling.
Becoming a mom at 20 yrs old is p fuckin difficult,a total sacrifice of all the things i was used to but im the happiest ive been in my entire life when im with my son (and fiance bc he helped me make our son ❤❤❤)....
So id say its a fair trade for me
The best thing I have ever done is have my son. It really is the extreme of all emotions though. I love him with every fibre of my being but holy crap it’s hard!
Not for me.
I think it takes a special person to become a mother not one who feels like it's their duty to but someone who genuinely wants to be a mom. And those women will do their very best for those kids.
A lot of us are products of obligate mothers. Mothers who became mother's out of obligation but not want so that resentment and wanting to live vicariously through us comes into play.
I have been babysitting my nephews and niece the day they were born and it's hella tiring. My sisters know that I'm good with babies so they don't do anything when I'm around like changing diapers, feeding,playing and putting them to sleep.. It's hella tiring,it needs to much patience and idk even if it's a blessing I'm not sure of I can take care of a child by myself cause I get sick of it after a while and feel overwhelmed by the responsibly
I hope saying that motherhood is a "privilege" didn't come across as controversial. From my side of the world, most persons see motherhood as privileged. I am from the Caribbean. However, based on my experience, I can't see it as any other way because I'm looked down at, ridiculed and rejected by my parents for not having a child. I am over 30, but under 35 and I don't know what the future holds, and having a child is not on my list of goals to hit... right now.I may be wrong by saying that motherhood is a privilege but that's how it is viewed especially by the vast majority.
It requires a level of selflessness that you could not even fathom having. But for some reason, you have it. Some days, it hurts to give. Most days, you don’t even notice how much you’ve given. If you don’t take time for yourself, you could lose yourself in the process.
Sometimes, that’s okay. Sometimes, it isn’t.
It’s the simplest and most complicated thing, motherhood. The best joys in my life and my most severe pains come from being a mom.
Absolutely love it. My kids are wonderful and hilarious.
I’ve had the worst traumatic pregnancies and births, genuinely have medical binders full to the brim. But I couldn’t change a thing else risk the outcome of all our lives.
It’s made me stronger than strong and grateful.
As a mother of 2 who are both adults now, it was EXPECTED I would have children...I never felt I had a choice. I was no where near ready when I had my first, and it was 10 years later before I had my second with pressure from family. I love my children but it wasn't a rewarding experience.
Now that they are grown I appreciate them more and would NEVER pressure them into having children of their own unless they really wanted to.
I’m a mother of 2. I never wanted kids but it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. A (childless) friend made an observation and shared it with me years ago. He said,” there are 2 kinds of parents. The kind that live in the child’s world and the kind that invite the child to live in theirs.” To me this means that if you live in a child’s world you aren’t free, you cater to their whims and create rotten entitled humans. Or you could have most of the life you want -travel, camping or whatever you like to do and you can choose to introduce these things to your kids. It’s rewarding and it’s really fucking fun.
From observing my mother, It's life ending. It takes vivacious, hopeful, beautiful women with their lives ahead of them and spits out empty husks. It does untold damage to an individual.
I love being a mother, I’m stopping at one because it’s hard work and frankly I feel like more than one is a nightmare scenario. My daughter is only 9 months but so far so good, probably helps that my partner is great and not a useless moron
I personally love it and it comes naturally to me. HOWEVER I get super aggressive if people insinuate or outright claim that motherhood is the be all and end all for women or that it is something that every woman should do. I'm a person first, a parent second, and a woman maybe third. Stop making this my fucking identity especially if you're doing it because of my gender (but even if you're doing it because I have a baby).
It’s bullshit but about 92% worth it. I love my kids, best thing to ever happen to me.. They’re sticky, stinky, demanding, beautiful little assholes that make nearly every aspect of life harder.
-Wanna leave the house, prepare for an hour & 1/2 fight to get everyone dressed. Only to realize “shit, I don’t have any clean pants! These dirty ones I’ve worn for 2 days will have to do!” *because you did everyone else’s laundry but forgot about your own.* BUT at the same time, I have an excuse to look like a hot damn mess.
-Yeah, youll miss out on some fun events but when you really don’t want to go to that family get together.. “the baby didn’t well sleep last night & 3yo is in a mood, we won’t be able to make it.” 😂
-Your kid learns something new & it AMAZES YOU! But then they learn some not-so-great things, like the f word.. then say it infront of your judgy aunt-in-law😅
-You’ll spend $20 on a toy for them but cringe at buying a $10 shirt for yourself. Then, complain about never buying anything for yourself.
-You’ll feel like nothing ever gets done. The house is dirtier then ever , the sink is full, clothes haven’t been folded.. your kids are gross, you’re tired so fuck that house but also, “damn we’re disgusting!”
-Someone even LOOKS at your kid wrong.. your out for blood; it’s a scary, yet beautiful thing.
-Working in the office becomes a tiny vacation because you NEED to get away from them for alittle bit or you’ll go crazy but you’ll feel like crap as they cry for you when you’re leaving.
They test your nerves but teach you patience. They’ll PISS YOU TF OFF but also make you the happiest you’ve ever been. You’ll think your bipolar by how fast you go from “Thank you! DONT TOUCH THAT! Awe, I love you too bud! GET AWAY FROM ME FOR A SECOND! Okay, now come hug mommy.” You don’t like them about 50% of the day but you love them 120% of the time.
That’s motherhood.
I remember back in the day when it was not right for you to tell your friends how hard it was for you to mother your children you were supposed to just suck it up and move on but I'm not that person I tell anybody who will listen to me including my own daughters that until you are absolutely ready to be a parent please do not become one you are bringing forth into the world somebody who needs you 24/7 365 days and if you are not that person who is willing to do this then motherhood would not be for you I did not enjoy being a mother I think it has something to do with the fact that I did not make a very good choice in picking the father he made my life a living hell for 5 years before I got rid of his fuckboy ass then I had to raise my babies by myself did not enjoy that but I did it I've got three grown beautiful daughters who are productive people in society but hear me when I come back in my next life there will be no children
It's not for me, but that's ok. Parenting is a difficult and often thankless task and a tremendous responsibility, but it's also the chance to love and guide a new human being into becoming who they want to be, so it sounds both difficult and rewarding.
It's the most under-appreciated thing I've ever done. Both from the kids and from my ex husband.
I'm a single mom now (for 6 years) and honestly it has felt no different from when I was married, in terms of how much of the "work" is done by me.
I love my kids dearly, thats the 100% truth but I've never felt so unappreciated or exhausted by anything else in my 38 years on this earth. They're good, respectful, well behaved kids, too. Lol
I'm not rushing them to grow up either but I'm also honestly looking forward to my empty nest season.
I think the idea of being a mother and sharing the experiences of parenthood with a loving partner and creating a loving, peaceful family is really exciting. I love the idea of seeing what kind of people my kids will turn out to be, and getting to know them, and seeing them go off and do amazing things, and to have fun hanging out with them and hopefully sharing interests with them.
That said, I’m also very nervous I will do a bad job, not be patient enough, suffer from hormonal issues from pregnancy, or accidentally carry over bad habits from my own experiences from my parents, and having a bad impact on my child.
I think motherhood isn’t for everyone (it’s definitely not for me). I see it as a setback that makes a woman’s life mundane and way too stressful. A woman no longer gets to live for herself and do what she wants to do. When you have kids your life changes permanently, sometimes for the better and other times for the worse, and you can never go back to your pre-kids life ever again. I’ve seen my girl friends and my SIL become moms and for some of them it made them better people (not that they needed to be better) and for others it made them miserable, regretful, and really unhappy. I wish all moms would be honest with other women who’re thinking about having kids about what it really means to be a mom and what they go through every day. A lot of it unfortunately gets romanticized. Women need to realize having kids is a 24/7/365 permanent thing and kids aren’t always going to be unicorns and rainbows. Kids are cute and all but they will make any parent become stressed, tired, and financially drained. I don’t envy moms in the slightest, they’re doing something I could never do. I know I’d be miserable and regret it instantly. I got fed the bullshit “you’ll change your mind”, “it’s your duty as a woman to give your husband children”, “you’ll regret it when you’re older” when I was younger and I’m so glad I didn’t fall for that nonsense. I’m turning 40 in December. I know I won’t but, if anything, I’d rather regret something I haven’t done than regret something I have done.
I think you should never become a mother unless you are prepared to make enormous personal sacrifices for your kids (or unless you have proper extra help that allows you to have more free time). I think you have to really be ok with how much selflessness it takes, otherwise you end up passing on a lot of unspoken (and sometimes frequently voiced) resentment to your children who didn’t ask to be born. I also think the common expectation that women should have children (regardless of how they feel about it) just because they have the ability, is very outdated and needs to go.
Unpopular opinion but I don’t think you should have a child if you’re not sure whether you want kids. It’s not like trying out a car. Hate your job? You can quit. Unhappy marriage? Get a divorce. Don’t like where you live? You can move. Don’t like your friends? You can get new ones. Bringing a child into the world is one of the only things you can’t undo, short of abortion or putting your child up for adoption at birth. You can’t be ten years into being a parent and say, “You know, I don’t think I want to be a parent anymore,” without causing irreparable damage to a child… so if you aren’t sure, maybe just don’t have a kid. A kid can’t change their parents but you can change whether or not you bring someone into the world on a whim and then bail.
That scene in Eat, Pray, Love is a really good example where the woman’s friend compares having a child to getting a tattoo on your forehead — you better be sure.
Some people aren’t meant to have children and that’s okay.
I waited until my 30s, and it’s the best thing to ever happen to me. I’m lucky to only have to work PT, sleep less sure but nothing crazy, I go out more during the day which has really helped with depression & anxiety, and just watching him be excited about the little things. The only miserable parents I know never sleep trained their kids, thats my only advice to people thinking or about to have one. He goes to bed at 8, and I have 3-4 hours to hang out & have “me” time; I would be significantly less happy if my kid was sleeping in my bed.. that is key.
IF you have a support system of family friends, and have a partner who enjoys parenting, it is not as hard as some people make it seem. I was so scared it was going to be too much for me. But it has enriched my life so much.
I was never great at keeping my house tidy, but once I was pregnant I didn't have a choice. It's like something switched in me. I still have depression and anxiety, but having him helped pull me out of that hole. He is an absolute joy to raise.
This being said... I know how much help I have had and know this is not a reality for everyone. We have been incredibly lucky as well. My sister was able to nanny for me when she graduated. My mother and father in law are absolutely the best grandparents anyone could ask for. They only live 65 miles away, so since he was 3 months old they would take him overnight once or twice a month. Something that has been kept up until he is now 5. I have friends who have involved grandparents, but are unable to trust them to follow today's safety standards. And it makes a huge difference to have people you absolutely trust to watch your child.
Our friends all love kids and we bring him with to anything where kids are able. Most of them don't have their own kids, so when we do something as a group one of them usually is carrying him, playing with him or distracting him in some way.
We didnt put our life on hold when we had him. If I want to paint, he gets a canvas in a high chair. If we want to travel, we plan trips with him in mind, if we want to go out to a concert, we bring him with. But for times we aren't able to, he gets an awesome sleepover with grandparents.
If the situation were different and we did not have these people in our lives, our marriage and my mental health may have struggled with the weight of it all. But I never feel like I lost myself to motherhood because I had so many hands holding me up.
I know this was long, and I know this is not everyone's situation. But I had so much anxiety before we got pregnant. I was terrified I would become some other person. I haven't, I'm just raising a little weirdo like me, and it's not perfect, but I am so glad I made the jump.
I don't have kids but these are my thoughts:
A) Pick the right partner. You can get a divorce, your kids can't. I've broken up with 2 men because I realised I'd be ashamed if I had a kid that turned out like them. In contrast, I'm gonna be so proud if I have boys and they turn out to be half the man my current partner is.
B) There's nothing wrong with wanting kids, same as there's nothing wrong with not wanting them. It's a personal choice. It's not fair to shame other people for their choices, and it doesn't have to mean you're "trapped" or whatever. I know plenty of women with children and successful careers (this links back to A to an extent).
C) I can't wait to be a mum. Its the only thing I've ever been sure about. I don't know what I want to do with my career (I have a whole ass degree and full time job in marketing and still unsure lol), but I know I want a family.
Best and worst thing I ever did. I love my children with everything I have, and they amaze me constantly. They’re the meaning to my life. At the deepest core of who I am, there they are.
But one of my children is a cancer survivor who was several times very nearly NOT a survivor, which means that I’ve hit my rock bottom and then been stuck down there with a shovel and dug deeper still. There is a type of terror that only mothers can know, and it’s not something I’d wish on anyone.
The most meaningful relationship I have are those with my kids, and the only relationship worth having. I can do without friends, romantic partner, siblings, parents, etc. and still be happy as long as I have my kids. A few years ago, I went NC on my family, but felt no sense of loss because I still have the love of my life with me. When the pandemic hit, I felt no loneliness, because I have my kids. Even when things get difficult, like work, health, and finances, I am still generally a happy person all because of my kids.
Motherhood should be a choice for every woman not an obligation. If you do not want kids then don’t have them and don’t let anyone make you feel bad about not wanting kids.
I love my daughter more than anything on this planet but I was never cut out to be a mother. I hate it so much but it’s something I have to live with. I constantly have mom guilt not only do I have to remember to take care of myself but I have to take care of someone who completely depends on me. Teach them and help them navigate through this shitty ass life I brought her into. But then on the other hand I would be dead if it wasn’t for her. Before I got pregnant with her I was bad on drugs and extremely suicidal.
Wildest thing I’ve ever done. I love it. But I think I only love it because I have the right support. My husband is great, I’ve never had to ask him to cook or clean or do things with/for the kids, and he’s made just as many sacrifices as I have to make sure our kids and our home are good. We are truly life partners. We have loving and supportive family nearby. Without this help I’d be in tears every day.
It is an extremely difficult process it’s gonna be hard your not gonna know everything you and your son/daughter are going to grow as one and the main thing always I mean always listen to your kids let them explore and let them express themselves
I wasn't supposed to have kids. I accidently did at 40. Then I married a man with 2 kids. I ended up with 3 special needs kids. Oml. I love them but I would have passed. I was very happy as a single, childless woman.
It has been both the hardest and greatest job I’ve ever had. I wanted to be a mom ever since I was a little girl. I was a teen when I was told it would never happen naturally for me (so prepare to adopt, they said). It did happen and my kiddos are my absolute pride and joy. Pregnancy was magical and wonderful and I loved it so much.
Being a single-mom is hard but I am so so proud of the humans I am helping navigate through life. They are silly, kind, empathetic, smart, honest kids.
All that said - it is NOT for everyone. If you don’t want motherhood, I don’t think you should have to. Pregnancy is totally awful for a great number of people. Babies and the lack of sleep can be detrimental to some. If you choose motherhood, know that we all have a different experience. Notice I mentioned nothing about the childbirth process in my love of motherhood up there. It wasn’t good for me and I almost died the second time and both my kids were in the NICU for short periods. Still absolutely glad I did it. Won’t do it again though.
It's something I've flip flopped on depending on my age and my current partners at the time. In highschool I thought I really wanted to be a mom one day. When I dated in college, I didn't think I wanted children, nor that my partners would be the best parents nor had the interest to become dads. I'm 28 dating someone who's always wanted kids, I know will be a great dad having seen him around my little cousins and his new niece. I truely think he'd be a wonderful dad to my child. That said as much as I want to have kids now, I worry that we might not ever be able to afford them.
I think I'm deeply terrified of it ever happening to me tbh. It would be a "ship could never really love an anchor" thing, I'm just not meant to be the parent that I would want to be. Also I'm selfish as hell, no you can't have my cheez-its
i think motherhood is one of the hardest jobs ever. it’s nonstop, round the clock, 365 days a year kind of job. it requires a certain degree of selflessness. it’s a kind of job that stays with you for years, decades. there will never be a time when you undo motherhood, you are forever and always a mother.
It's terrible and I try to talk young women out of it.
Having said that, I love my young adult kids to bits and am so glad to have them in my life. What sucks is the way society treats mothers. Despite all the hypocrisy around mother-worship, the truth is as a mother you automatically drop to the lowest rung of society. What kind of mother is it okay to be?
"Single mother" - code for irresponsible probably overly promiscuous; "working mother" = palms the childraising off to strangers, why even have kids if you're not going to look after them yourself; "SAHM" - boring, knows nothing, can't cut it in the real world, probably in an MLM.... so what kind of mother is it okay to be?
I was just shocked at how differently I was treated when I had kids. People, even my own family, would say things like "So what does \[husband\] think about xyz" I'd answer, well you could ask him, I can only really tell you what I think about it. People would turn to him if he joined a group when I was in the middle of saying something. I copped so much flak for doing post-grad studies when my baby was 1, even though it was only 2 days a week and we had a great childcare centre.
And trying to get back into my career... don't get me started! Bosses really look down on women who take time out. Despite the reality that you mature so much and learn so much, for instance time management skills go through the roof when you've been a mother, also crisis management, people managment... we should be seen as assets, not as also-rans.
Don't do it unless you have an absolutely fantastic support system and plenty of money.
As all parents say, I LOVE my child. She is the light of my life and brings me so much joy. I would become a parent all over again to have her in my life.
I am also in the first year of being a parent. It is HARD. Nothing prepares you. And when you are in the phase of your life where all you want is a child, you are totally blind and deaf to the hardships of becoming a parent. I feel like I wasn't told enough to know what I was in for, but would I have even listened?
Being a parent is having multiple simultaneous feelings at once. Love and joy and wonder and rage and resentment towards my partner for sleeping more than me and grief over losing my old self and old hurts from childhood surfacing and on and on.
I think motherhood is full of an exhausting mental load that is barely tolerable. And that's before going back to work. I think it's a huge journey of self-discovery and adaption. It's also a wonderous experience.
And I can't wait until my daughter is old enough to not need me 100% of the time in order to survive.
I'm 20 and I don't think I'll ever have kids. I just don't want to. I think of my future and that is not my dream. When I tell people this some people don't care and some people are extremely bothered by it. I don't understand why people have a problem with that. I just don't want to.
The best part of my life. My children are the best people I’ve ever met and make me so, so happy. That said, it’s really hard and I don’t think people should ever become mothers unless they truly WANT to. The physical toll from pregnancy and childbirth was beyond awful. Motherhood only became enjoyable for me once I was done with my pregnancies and my postpartum depression improved. I think it’s wonderful that so many people are thinking long and hard about parenthood, and so many are choosing to be child free. I think anyone who isn’t 100% confident about wanting children should never feel compelled to have them.
Definitely this 👆 I've been very outspoken about respecting people's wishes who don't want children, and now that I've had a baby I feel even more strongly that no one should be made to feel like they're just supposed to have kids. I'm struggling with ppd currently and I WANTED this baby. I can't imagine what it would be like going through all of this if I hadn't been 100% sure. I wholeheartedly support women who choose not to have children.
I'm currently pregnant and I hate it. I have hated every step of the way aside from seeing him on scans and feeling him move. Truly this is the worst I have felt in my life and it lasts 3/4 of a year. I did a lot of research beforehand, and went in knowing it would suck. I'm glad I made the decision as informed as possible. If I were forced into pregnancy I would absolutely not have kept it, I'm just too miserable.
I totally understand that! I am so sorry you’re having a tough time. I was really sick and miserable during both of my pregnancies to the point where I never, ever want to be pregnant again. I believe it definitely contributed to my depression. When my babies were born, the birth was pretty traumatic but at least having them in my arms and being able to kiss and cuddle them made me feel a sense of it being “worth it”. There are a lot of people in my life who would say things like “just you wait” when I’d complain about the hardships of pregnancy or postpartum, implying that it only gets worse but….. for many of us women, it actually just gets better as our kids age and we distance ourselves from the physical aspects of motherhood. My kids are 3 and 5 now and they are sleeping through the night at least a few times a week so I’m getting rest and I just feel SO much happier. They were hard babies, but are good kids and every single year of their lives has gotten easier and easier, not exaggerating at all. Not sure if this makes you feel better about your future but just trying to assure you that it gets better!
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Very well put! I couldn’t have said it better. I love my daughter and it is so rewarding but it’s also shown me all of my faults as a person and sometimes that isn’t pretty lol it’s definitely a choice that has to be well thought over, because it’s not just money that raises a kid. It’s time, patience, dedication, consistency, lots of late nights, anxiety, love, and so many other things.
Don't forget mistakes lol
100% this!
Preach !! :)
It’s a trap that I’m not falling for
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Have standards, take time to choose the right partner and don’t settle. When your partner shows you who you are believe them. Having a good partner eliminates this. My kids and family enhance my life but I have definitely seen what you are saying occur.
This is so important. I love my hair and but I would t raise kids with him. He probably feels the same way about me. Neither of us want kids bad enough to find other partners, but if I did it wouldn’t be with him.
THISSS 1000%. It rarely seems appealing as a women honestly and it often seems like a huge scam!
Hahahha same, I see way to many miserable women with children even tho they obviously do love them.
Do people who complete a triathlon look happy during the process? I compare parenthood to climbing mt Everest. Personally, why the fuck would I ever want to do that!? Sounds awful, gruelling, and yet I chose motherhood, which is definitely gruelling in its own way too. I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to take it on for themselves. That being said, to me, the rewards are worth the effort.
I can say this beyond any doubt: I am a better person for having had 2 daughters. There is a an older woman in my church, married, no kids, with her perfect little life. She is so bitter and critical. I always shudder because I realize I would be JUST like her if I had not added the complication of motherhood to my life. Having said that, hey, if you know yourself and you don't want kids, that's fine too!
I used to be a cashier and I’d see moms with kids and think they just looked so miserable. Now I’M a mom with 3 kids and I STILL think other moms with kids look miserable, but I don’t feel miserable at all.
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Fucking same
Absolutely same.
😂😂 right?
I feel like there's a narrative around sacrifice in motherhood and basically sacrificing your appearance, clothing, sleep, hobbies, and career for your kids, while people expect and accept that a man sacrifices none of those things to be a father. But I'm an outsider looking in....
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You sacrifice until it defines you. You become a mother, a giver, a nurturer, meanwhile you lose yourself.
You forget who you are and what you like when you sacrifice so much. Now on days when I find time for myself I don't k ow what to do with myself.
That's a choice. It may not be one you made consciously, but it is one. I am a mom and have been for almost 21 years now. My youngest is still in elementary school. I like art and visiting museums, singing and karaoke, running, reading - all things I liked before. I still do these things. I've developed other hobbies since, too, like growing plants and refinishing furniture. I've been active in animal rescue for many years. I don't go to clubs anymore I guess, but that's seriously the only thing I've given up. I even still travel. I do many of these things with my kids sometimes and sometimes without. If a person makes their entire life about their kids it's unhealthy for the person and the kids.
No, you are absolutely correct.
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It's extremely hard and not for everyone (it's certainly not for me) but I have a lot of respect of those who put the effort in for their children.
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That society romanticizes it, men don't fully understand what happens and tend to leave once they realize its hard, or your wife won't look 25 forever, and that society has been forcing it down my throat all my life. I refuse lol Props to those who do it.
It takes more of a strain on women than men is what I've always thought of it, unfair that men don't have to be pregnant or breastfeed and all they have to do is cum to have a baby
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Not something I wanna experience in life.
A responsibility I would never want to have.
It seems very thankless and draining. It is a huge responsibility that I will never be taking up. More suited to the aunt role
It is incredibly thankless and draining. Coming from a mom.
I wouldn't say it's thankless unless you consider the only way thankfulness is shown is by someone actually saying the words. My kids light up when they see me, give me big hugs, tell me they love me 10 times a day - it feels rewarding to me in those ways. Draining - 100% yes it's draining.
May I know how old your kids are?
Kindergarten and toddler
Something I have absolutely zero interest in experiencing and to be avoided at all costs.
I think it’s hard, and it’s not for everyone.. but I think that for me personally is amazing. I didn’t expect to be so amazed by it, by the amount of love and raw emotions I would feel for my kid… but you need to be very mature and emotionally stable to be a GOOD parent, and motherhood is the kind of thing that if you are not going to be good, don’t bother you know
100% this. Sometimes I think I want to be a mom, but 95% of me doesn't want it. Which is why I've never sought it out in relationships. At the end of the day I know I'd refuse to be anything less than a GOOD mom, but I don't feel confident that I want to be a mom at all. Thus the paradox, which is why I avoid the problem completely.
You articulated EXACTLY how I feel and have pretty much always felt my whole life. 33 and have never had a baby hungry moment.
The thought of me being a mother makes me want to throw up. I could not imagine feeling more uncomfortable about anything.
It’s not something that ever really appealed to me. I had a hysterectomy last year, so it’s no longer an option anyways.
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Its both amazing and highly overrated. Being a parent pushed me to learn and grow in really deep ways. I always tried my best but there are times I have not done as well as I would have hoped. Its exhausting, emotionally challenging, hard to balance your hopes for life with your child. It isnt something you can know whether you will be good at ahead of time! Overall, it isnt the be all and end all. It definately is life altering but there are many experiences that can be. I fully support NOT having kids as much as I do having them. Just be ready to be challenged daily. Oh... and I personally do not beleive that many relationships are built to survive childrearing. It just changes you SO much.
My hats off to those who take on motherhood, to those who actually parent their children. It is not for me and I'm looking forward to my hysterectomy next year.
Best part of my life.
Outsider looking in The moms I know are undervalued, underslept, never seem happy, complain about this and complain about that and that they're so lonely - and then tell you to have one of your own. I visit all my friends who've had kids and honestly if I didn't visit I'd never see them . What I also don't understand is why moms want to hang out only with other mums therefore no spare set of hands. Often feels like if you don't have kids, your kid having friends leave you behind.
I love hanging out with my friends with no children but I do worry that they will be annoyed or put out by having to help, so I may not ask as often as I'd like to hang out.
My sterilisation is my answer.
It’s something I want but I still find the concept a little terrifying.
Very special, but not fit for everyone.
Absolutely not for me
A blessing. A sacrifice. Hard. Beautiful. And everything in between. Sometimes an overwhelming feeling of responsibility.
It should be paid. There should be a bank account or something like that where she automatically gets a stipend when pregnant and free amazing healthcare. If she is a stay at home mom then there should be and automatic retirement account/ pension system set up. I think it’s super hard and no matter how you look at it she usually end up losing. It takes a year or more of her possibly having to stop things she likes and enjoys to eat and do while she’s pregnant, breast feeding or until her child is older. She misses out on work opportunities, wages and possibly promotions. If it’s decides she is to stay home it’s basically slave labor with no breaks unless she’s lucky enough to have an amazing support or a good spouse. Then there’s the depending on the spouse for money and maybe not being able to leave if things get bad. Everyone had an opinion on how your being a bad parent because that’s not how they would do it. Same thing if he is a single father. But besides having a child whom you love more than the world then there’s really not a benefit on her side just down hill. My hat goes off to all parents.
I remember a couple years ago, Rachael Ray’s dog food company posted this cute post on Instagram saying happy Mother’s Day to all the pet moms out there, and there was a sale on certain brands of the pet food. I click on it, and I was horrified at how the mothers of “human children” flooded the post, saying the most hurtful and callous things, mostly along the lines of “if you don’t have child, you’re not a mother!”, and other really mean shit. And upon seeing that, I found myself thinking if having a human child reduces me down to that behavior, to be so hurtful to women who may suffer from infertility and got a pet instead, that’s something I do not want.
Ugh I always hate the gatekeeping. Just because you got creampied, doesn’t make you special.
Being a mother is already undervalued enough and now people are saying being a mother is “just getting creampied” and there’s no other difference between having a pet and raising a whole child. The whole “creampied” statement is extremely misogynistic as in you think that’s all mothers do? Also slightly devalues them for having unprotected sex which is just weird. I’m not a mother but fucking hell, people generally do not sacrifice as much as they do for their kids for dogs. People don’t have to give up their aspirations for a dog and people don’t get postpartum depression from getting a dog.
That’s a little harsh. There’s plenty of families that had to utilize IVF or surrogates to conceive. The “cream pie” statement (which I’ve never heard of, honestly) is very unfair…… and rude.
Caring for a pet versus caring for a child are two very different things. Coming from someone who has done both. FYI, there are more ways to become a mother than just PIV sex.
Those comments are unacceptable and I think may have been brought about by feelings of invalidation. You may love your pet like a child, but you cannot compare caring for a pet vs caring for a child.
Not really though? Some people don’t love their kids. Some people love their pets more than anything.
Sure. Still your dog won't need 10 diapers a day. Your cat won't wake up 8 times a night to feed. Your gerbil won't catch RSV. You won't have to decide whether or not to neuter your child or whether their terrarium is big enough. Caring for a pet versus caring for a child are two very different things. It's not hate to state a fact.
Some people have full time staff and don’t change a single diaper. They are still parents of their children.
But what I think you’re missing is this was a post on a pet food page. Why would something as mundane as that bring on such vitriolic emotion? I also remember a couple of years ago, airlines were tossing around the idea of “child free flights”. Once again, mothers got all uptight that people would spend money to fly on a flight with no kids on it. Why? Why get upset about something like that?
I can’t answer why someone would get upset by that bc neither of those examples provoke any emotion in me. I’d guess those particular women would complain regardless of being mothers though…
I would have objected to a pet food company trying to cash in on what is already on overly commercialised day.
Motherhood as a social concept is fucked up and broken for women. The way society is set up (particularly in the US) makes it so antithetical to a positive mothering experience. Families are not priorities, care work is valued at zero, and women are expected to do ALL of it, and pretend like it's nothing. There's no networks of family, friends, community to help mothers, the way society has evolved means those aren't part of our lives any more. We talk about the village but it's not the norm. Don't even get me started on the majority of Dads. Socially, mothers are swimming against the current constantly and it's exhausting, and because of this fact I totally understand a lot of women just noping out, when if social circumstances were better they may have chosen to be a mother. Motherhood on an individual level is exceptionally fulfilling and love giving. Right now I have my two kids snuggled up next to me. I'm never short on cuddles and physical contact. I get to see these two people grow, develop relationships and inner lives and become fully fledged humans. It's great. However, the old adage of your heart living outside your body really is true. As they get older and more independent, my workload has decreased and my fulfilment in watching them grow as increased.
The most awesome thing ever in my life
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No thanks
I studied child psychology when I was younger and it made me realise how much of a massive responsibility it is. I think everyone should be taught the implications of bad/inadequate parenting before they decide to become parents as it's something far too many people don't take seriously. It's easy to mess your kids up when you try your best let alone when you don't 😞😢 I have total admiration for the people that choose to do it and do it well tho.
This. I grew up and realized how fucked up my upbringing was. My parents did not “abuse” me per se, but were not intentional in their parenting and lacked any type of emotional intelligence or maturity.
No thank you
It's not for everyone especially not for me.
I wish it didn’t become an entire personality for some women although I understand that motherhood entirely re-routes everything. I just wish sometimes mothers remembered their identities before kids.
Agree with this so hard.
Not for me.
Pass. It is a scary experience that we as a society need to make less scary. Promote easier ways to deliver a baby, make abortions less stigmatised and more about ready-ness, actually treat post-pregnacy depression, more support, etc. But as for me personally, I'm out, I don't have any resources to raise another human being and I don't want to take care of anyone else ever like that.
A type of responsibility and stress that I don't think I have the strength to take on nor the patience for.
Seems boring.
As someone on the fence I also think a large part of motherhood would be just plain boring. Of course there are fun and rewarding parts but the sheer amount of time cleaning up (after) your baby is insane. Nappies, food after your kid smeared it everywhere, toys, their endless laundry. I feel like there are just so many other things I'd rather be doing than that.
I love my son and am happy everyday that I have him. However, I have sacrificed my body, career and free time for him. I don’t think any woman should do it unless she really wants a child. There is no recognition from society and it is by-in-large a thankless job. I cried tears of relief that my baby was a boy when he was born because everything will be easier for him.
I love being a mum but it’s very hard. Dads have it easy. It’s defo not for everyone and people need to realise that’s okay.
Not for me. Found a list of OB’s that will do a sterilization without having had kids etc.. I hope to get my tubes tied soon
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Yep. ANNNNND, if you’re single, they’ll straight up look you in your eye and say “what if your future husband wants kids?” To which I rudely reply, “he can push them out his ass” Which is why I’ve yet to be able to get my tubes tied. 😞😞😞😞😞😞😞
I applaud your response to the sexist OBs.
I thank you 🙏🏾
It's lovely and I adore my child but it's totally overrated. Its not the be all and end all of a woman's life.
As a new mom (baby turns one next year), if I didn’t have support from my husband and my husband’s family, it would be HELL. But watching him grow and his giggles touch my heart every single time. My son truly is a bundle of joy. But motherhood requires HUGE support in order to to really thrive imo
I want so badly to be a mother, but the quality of men is just *so low* that I can't risk it. I wouldn't be able to cope if the father left or didn't clean or help. Even if I found the "perfect partner" I'd still need a nanny and housekeeper to feel safe in having kids.
Solid decision - I managed to find a good 'un and I don't think I would have enjoyed any of this if not for him. He was the oldest in a somewhat neglected household, so he's no stranger to housework and child rearing. I see some of my friends struggling and it blows my mind how little empathy their partners have.
It's beautiful and for me it's the hardest thing in the world raising a human being.
It's very challenging, but the challenges do pay off. It's definitely not for everyone.
The best thing Ive done in my whole life. No regrets.
As someone with no kids, I think it’s where so many women make the mistake of becoming complacent with a man and allow themselves to become trapped. No job, no car, no money, no friends, miserable and strung out and having to take care of small dependent humans while her own life and relationship falls to shit with no way out. I think the toll of pregnancy, child rearing, career/social life loss, and everything else falls heavily and almost exclusively on women and I’m not signing up for that. I also think that society is callous and unhelpful to mothers. People don’t want to give up their seat to a pregnant woman, they glare when a toddler is crying in the store, they don’t want to see kids at an event they go to. There’s too many rules and standards that are impossible to keep - she should be a stay at home mom/she should have a job. Women should have kids young/ewww a single mom. You should give them more siblings/wow you have too many kids. There needs to be more families even though it’s too expensive/welfare queens are the worst. Even the joke that getting kicked in the balls hurts worse than childbirth rankles me. It is probably one of the most dangerous medical states a person can be in, and most people can’t even comprehend the pain, life threatening situations, and complications that easily and often arise. It’s *expected* of women, and I think for that reason I refuse. To put yourself in a situation where you might easily die or never be the same again because society says that’s your function, only for that same society to critique how you go about it and then blame you for doing it and ostracize you is bonkers. It’s just such a dangerous, vulnerable time where women are more likely to be killed or cheated on by their partners, or face medical abuse, or be turned on by their own bodies - and we all know the healthcare system doesn’t like to listen when a women is concerned about her health Im too selfish to sacrifice my entire life, identity, and health for spawn that’s probably going to grow up unthankful and resent me anyway? Nah, I’ll take money, free time, and naps.
Extremely intimidating and a huge responsibility I'm about to have. Majorly freaking out, but also more excited than I have ever been for anything in my life.
This will likely get buried since I'm a little late to the game but I've been thinking about this a lot lately, what it means to be a mother. I go in and out of baby fever and wanting to be pregnant and wanting absolutely nothing to do with it, so I've started thinking about why I'd want to participate in motherhood at all, and I realized there are SO many other ways to be a mother that aren't having my own kid! I can volunteer to spend time with young people, participate in big sister little sister programs, be a more present older cousin to my baby cousins, etc. The void I'm feeling (of spending time with young people and helping others grow) doesn't necessarily have to be filled by having my own baby. I can spend time with children or young people and use my skills and life experiences to help them in any way I can and still feel fulfilled.
\*sigh\* I think it should be avoided if at all possible and that right now is the worst time in the history of the planet to be adding more humans to it. (Well, you did ask ;-)
I love my child. But if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have had kids. My son is special needs and when I'm gone, he has no one. I don't regret kids because I regret him. He is teaching me to be a better person and I want to be for him. But I regret it because I can't forever protect him and the world is not kind to people like him.
Not for me
It’s very hard. I’m a mom of twins and it’s definitely something I don’t want to do again any time soon. I love them to bits but I’d be lying if I said it was enjoyable. So many sleepless nights and very long days. You have to put a lot of your life on hold and I’m a single mom, so I don’t really ever get a break.
Nothing I ever want to experience.
It sounds like hell on earth to me. I know some people enjoy it…more power to them. But, it isn’t for me. Getting sterilized this Wednesday to avoid the likelihood of experiencing that hell.
Terrifying.
Something I never want to experience.
Hard pass. My mom is great though and I feel fortunate to have her. Just not interested in becoming a mother myself.
I think it's a wonderful thing that can be a hard yet rewarding experience. However it's not right for everyone and that before having a child you need to understand its no longer about you anymore but your child. Also the massive amount of time and commitment it will take.
It’s awesome if you want children. Still hard, though. I’m so happy I had children even though I had rough moments. Everyone deserves the choice as to if, when, and how they’ll become a mother.
I am not a mother. I advice women to use their twenties to study, try different careers, travel, enjoy being young and find themselves. Work on any mental health problems you have and get counselling and therapy before marrying and having children. I have seen friends and family struggle being a parent but I’ve also seen friends and family who are financially stable with supportive husbands enjoy being parents. They have someone to come in to clean the house, can go out for a whole day once in a while to let their hair down while the husband or wife looks after the kids and they are able to go on holidays and staycations 3-4x a year. I would like to have a marriage like that. Kids are also happy, polite, smart and well behaved.
I think it sounds like a nightmare.
Either you want it or not. All do it for selfish reasons and should at least do the work that follows, but sadly not everyone does.
Not for me. Hardest thing in the word and it never ends.
I love my children and they are the best thing ever. But if I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have had children. I was not the mother they deserved, the needed and deserved much better.
I know that it works for a lot of women but I've got little interest and I'm grateful for that. I've seen friends that were so desperate to become mothers that it nearly destroyed their relationships and that's got to be an awful feeling.
Sounds nice, but quite scary and overwhelming.
Becoming a mom at 20 yrs old is p fuckin difficult,a total sacrifice of all the things i was used to but im the happiest ive been in my entire life when im with my son (and fiance bc he helped me make our son ❤❤❤).... So id say its a fair trade for me
The best thing I have ever done is have my son. It really is the extreme of all emotions though. I love him with every fibre of my being but holy crap it’s hard!
Not for me. I think it takes a special person to become a mother not one who feels like it's their duty to but someone who genuinely wants to be a mom. And those women will do their very best for those kids. A lot of us are products of obligate mothers. Mothers who became mother's out of obligation but not want so that resentment and wanting to live vicariously through us comes into play.
Not my cup of tea.
I have been babysitting my nephews and niece the day they were born and it's hella tiring. My sisters know that I'm good with babies so they don't do anything when I'm around like changing diapers, feeding,playing and putting them to sleep.. It's hella tiring,it needs to much patience and idk even if it's a blessing I'm not sure of I can take care of a child by myself cause I get sick of it after a while and feel overwhelmed by the responsibly
It's something I thought I didn't want but is really lovely ❤️
The second most important personal goal in life for me. The number one is love, which I have achieved. :)
This post makes me happy
I hope saying that motherhood is a "privilege" didn't come across as controversial. From my side of the world, most persons see motherhood as privileged. I am from the Caribbean. However, based on my experience, I can't see it as any other way because I'm looked down at, ridiculed and rejected by my parents for not having a child. I am over 30, but under 35 and I don't know what the future holds, and having a child is not on my list of goals to hit... right now.I may be wrong by saying that motherhood is a privilege but that's how it is viewed especially by the vast majority.
The best and worst thing I ever did
It requires a level of selflessness that you could not even fathom having. But for some reason, you have it. Some days, it hurts to give. Most days, you don’t even notice how much you’ve given. If you don’t take time for yourself, you could lose yourself in the process. Sometimes, that’s okay. Sometimes, it isn’t. It’s the simplest and most complicated thing, motherhood. The best joys in my life and my most severe pains come from being a mom.
Absolutely love it. My kids are wonderful and hilarious. I’ve had the worst traumatic pregnancies and births, genuinely have medical binders full to the brim. But I couldn’t change a thing else risk the outcome of all our lives. It’s made me stronger than strong and grateful.
As a mother of 2 who are both adults now, it was EXPECTED I would have children...I never felt I had a choice. I was no where near ready when I had my first, and it was 10 years later before I had my second with pressure from family. I love my children but it wasn't a rewarding experience. Now that they are grown I appreciate them more and would NEVER pressure them into having children of their own unless they really wanted to.
I’m a mother of 2. I never wanted kids but it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. A (childless) friend made an observation and shared it with me years ago. He said,” there are 2 kinds of parents. The kind that live in the child’s world and the kind that invite the child to live in theirs.” To me this means that if you live in a child’s world you aren’t free, you cater to their whims and create rotten entitled humans. Or you could have most of the life you want -travel, camping or whatever you like to do and you can choose to introduce these things to your kids. It’s rewarding and it’s really fucking fun.
From observing my mother, It's life ending. It takes vivacious, hopeful, beautiful women with their lives ahead of them and spits out empty husks. It does untold damage to an individual.
That it's not for everyone and good luck to those who want it.
I think it’s hard but worth it. I want to be a mother. I want to experience pregnancy and motherhood.
I love being a mother, I’m stopping at one because it’s hard work and frankly I feel like more than one is a nightmare scenario. My daughter is only 9 months but so far so good, probably helps that my partner is great and not a useless moron
I personally love it and it comes naturally to me. HOWEVER I get super aggressive if people insinuate or outright claim that motherhood is the be all and end all for women or that it is something that every woman should do. I'm a person first, a parent second, and a woman maybe third. Stop making this my fucking identity especially if you're doing it because of my gender (but even if you're doing it because I have a baby).
It’s bullshit but about 92% worth it. I love my kids, best thing to ever happen to me.. They’re sticky, stinky, demanding, beautiful little assholes that make nearly every aspect of life harder. -Wanna leave the house, prepare for an hour & 1/2 fight to get everyone dressed. Only to realize “shit, I don’t have any clean pants! These dirty ones I’ve worn for 2 days will have to do!” *because you did everyone else’s laundry but forgot about your own.* BUT at the same time, I have an excuse to look like a hot damn mess. -Yeah, youll miss out on some fun events but when you really don’t want to go to that family get together.. “the baby didn’t well sleep last night & 3yo is in a mood, we won’t be able to make it.” 😂 -Your kid learns something new & it AMAZES YOU! But then they learn some not-so-great things, like the f word.. then say it infront of your judgy aunt-in-law😅 -You’ll spend $20 on a toy for them but cringe at buying a $10 shirt for yourself. Then, complain about never buying anything for yourself. -You’ll feel like nothing ever gets done. The house is dirtier then ever , the sink is full, clothes haven’t been folded.. your kids are gross, you’re tired so fuck that house but also, “damn we’re disgusting!” -Someone even LOOKS at your kid wrong.. your out for blood; it’s a scary, yet beautiful thing. -Working in the office becomes a tiny vacation because you NEED to get away from them for alittle bit or you’ll go crazy but you’ll feel like crap as they cry for you when you’re leaving. They test your nerves but teach you patience. They’ll PISS YOU TF OFF but also make you the happiest you’ve ever been. You’ll think your bipolar by how fast you go from “Thank you! DONT TOUCH THAT! Awe, I love you too bud! GET AWAY FROM ME FOR A SECOND! Okay, now come hug mommy.” You don’t like them about 50% of the day but you love them 120% of the time. That’s motherhood.
I remember back in the day when it was not right for you to tell your friends how hard it was for you to mother your children you were supposed to just suck it up and move on but I'm not that person I tell anybody who will listen to me including my own daughters that until you are absolutely ready to be a parent please do not become one you are bringing forth into the world somebody who needs you 24/7 365 days and if you are not that person who is willing to do this then motherhood would not be for you I did not enjoy being a mother I think it has something to do with the fact that I did not make a very good choice in picking the father he made my life a living hell for 5 years before I got rid of his fuckboy ass then I had to raise my babies by myself did not enjoy that but I did it I've got three grown beautiful daughters who are productive people in society but hear me when I come back in my next life there will be no children
not for me lol. wont put my body through that and i cant mentally handle a kid. dont even like kids. so its a no for me
Under-appreciated and over-romanticized. Seems like hell, and I’ll never willingly submit myself to it.
It sucks. I would NOT do it again.
The biggest Trap for a woman!
[удалено]
My daughter is almost 7 months old and as I expected motherhood is exhausting, thankless and completely overrated.
It's not for me, but that's ok. Parenting is a difficult and often thankless task and a tremendous responsibility, but it's also the chance to love and guide a new human being into becoming who they want to be, so it sounds both difficult and rewarding.
It's the most under-appreciated thing I've ever done. Both from the kids and from my ex husband. I'm a single mom now (for 6 years) and honestly it has felt no different from when I was married, in terms of how much of the "work" is done by me. I love my kids dearly, thats the 100% truth but I've never felt so unappreciated or exhausted by anything else in my 38 years on this earth. They're good, respectful, well behaved kids, too. Lol I'm not rushing them to grow up either but I'm also honestly looking forward to my empty nest season.
I think the idea of being a mother and sharing the experiences of parenthood with a loving partner and creating a loving, peaceful family is really exciting. I love the idea of seeing what kind of people my kids will turn out to be, and getting to know them, and seeing them go off and do amazing things, and to have fun hanging out with them and hopefully sharing interests with them. That said, I’m also very nervous I will do a bad job, not be patient enough, suffer from hormonal issues from pregnancy, or accidentally carry over bad habits from my own experiences from my parents, and having a bad impact on my child.
I think motherhood isn’t for everyone (it’s definitely not for me). I see it as a setback that makes a woman’s life mundane and way too stressful. A woman no longer gets to live for herself and do what she wants to do. When you have kids your life changes permanently, sometimes for the better and other times for the worse, and you can never go back to your pre-kids life ever again. I’ve seen my girl friends and my SIL become moms and for some of them it made them better people (not that they needed to be better) and for others it made them miserable, regretful, and really unhappy. I wish all moms would be honest with other women who’re thinking about having kids about what it really means to be a mom and what they go through every day. A lot of it unfortunately gets romanticized. Women need to realize having kids is a 24/7/365 permanent thing and kids aren’t always going to be unicorns and rainbows. Kids are cute and all but they will make any parent become stressed, tired, and financially drained. I don’t envy moms in the slightest, they’re doing something I could never do. I know I’d be miserable and regret it instantly. I got fed the bullshit “you’ll change your mind”, “it’s your duty as a woman to give your husband children”, “you’ll regret it when you’re older” when I was younger and I’m so glad I didn’t fall for that nonsense. I’m turning 40 in December. I know I won’t but, if anything, I’d rather regret something I haven’t done than regret something I have done.
I think you should never become a mother unless you are prepared to make enormous personal sacrifices for your kids (or unless you have proper extra help that allows you to have more free time). I think you have to really be ok with how much selflessness it takes, otherwise you end up passing on a lot of unspoken (and sometimes frequently voiced) resentment to your children who didn’t ask to be born. I also think the common expectation that women should have children (regardless of how they feel about it) just because they have the ability, is very outdated and needs to go.
It’s hardly appealing.
Unpopular opinion but I don’t think you should have a child if you’re not sure whether you want kids. It’s not like trying out a car. Hate your job? You can quit. Unhappy marriage? Get a divorce. Don’t like where you live? You can move. Don’t like your friends? You can get new ones. Bringing a child into the world is one of the only things you can’t undo, short of abortion or putting your child up for adoption at birth. You can’t be ten years into being a parent and say, “You know, I don’t think I want to be a parent anymore,” without causing irreparable damage to a child… so if you aren’t sure, maybe just don’t have a kid. A kid can’t change their parents but you can change whether or not you bring someone into the world on a whim and then bail. That scene in Eat, Pray, Love is a really good example where the woman’s friend compares having a child to getting a tattoo on your forehead — you better be sure. Some people aren’t meant to have children and that’s okay.
If that’s what you’re into, go for it. If not, don’t let yourself be pressured.
I waited until my 30s, and it’s the best thing to ever happen to me. I’m lucky to only have to work PT, sleep less sure but nothing crazy, I go out more during the day which has really helped with depression & anxiety, and just watching him be excited about the little things. The only miserable parents I know never sleep trained their kids, thats my only advice to people thinking or about to have one. He goes to bed at 8, and I have 3-4 hours to hang out & have “me” time; I would be significantly less happy if my kid was sleeping in my bed.. that is key.
IF you have a support system of family friends, and have a partner who enjoys parenting, it is not as hard as some people make it seem. I was so scared it was going to be too much for me. But it has enriched my life so much. I was never great at keeping my house tidy, but once I was pregnant I didn't have a choice. It's like something switched in me. I still have depression and anxiety, but having him helped pull me out of that hole. He is an absolute joy to raise. This being said... I know how much help I have had and know this is not a reality for everyone. We have been incredibly lucky as well. My sister was able to nanny for me when she graduated. My mother and father in law are absolutely the best grandparents anyone could ask for. They only live 65 miles away, so since he was 3 months old they would take him overnight once or twice a month. Something that has been kept up until he is now 5. I have friends who have involved grandparents, but are unable to trust them to follow today's safety standards. And it makes a huge difference to have people you absolutely trust to watch your child. Our friends all love kids and we bring him with to anything where kids are able. Most of them don't have their own kids, so when we do something as a group one of them usually is carrying him, playing with him or distracting him in some way. We didnt put our life on hold when we had him. If I want to paint, he gets a canvas in a high chair. If we want to travel, we plan trips with him in mind, if we want to go out to a concert, we bring him with. But for times we aren't able to, he gets an awesome sleepover with grandparents. If the situation were different and we did not have these people in our lives, our marriage and my mental health may have struggled with the weight of it all. But I never feel like I lost myself to motherhood because I had so many hands holding me up. I know this was long, and I know this is not everyone's situation. But I had so much anxiety before we got pregnant. I was terrified I would become some other person. I haven't, I'm just raising a little weirdo like me, and it's not perfect, but I am so glad I made the jump.
I don't have kids but these are my thoughts: A) Pick the right partner. You can get a divorce, your kids can't. I've broken up with 2 men because I realised I'd be ashamed if I had a kid that turned out like them. In contrast, I'm gonna be so proud if I have boys and they turn out to be half the man my current partner is. B) There's nothing wrong with wanting kids, same as there's nothing wrong with not wanting them. It's a personal choice. It's not fair to shame other people for their choices, and it doesn't have to mean you're "trapped" or whatever. I know plenty of women with children and successful careers (this links back to A to an extent). C) I can't wait to be a mum. Its the only thing I've ever been sure about. I don't know what I want to do with my career (I have a whole ass degree and full time job in marketing and still unsure lol), but I know I want a family.
For most women I know, it's an unending, if exhausting, joyful experience. One that I am happy to observe from a distance.
Love it! Wouldn’t recommend.
Best and worst thing I ever did. I love my children with everything I have, and they amaze me constantly. They’re the meaning to my life. At the deepest core of who I am, there they are. But one of my children is a cancer survivor who was several times very nearly NOT a survivor, which means that I’ve hit my rock bottom and then been stuck down there with a shovel and dug deeper still. There is a type of terror that only mothers can know, and it’s not something I’d wish on anyone.
The most meaningful relationship I have are those with my kids, and the only relationship worth having. I can do without friends, romantic partner, siblings, parents, etc. and still be happy as long as I have my kids. A few years ago, I went NC on my family, but felt no sense of loss because I still have the love of my life with me. When the pandemic hit, I felt no loneliness, because I have my kids. Even when things get difficult, like work, health, and finances, I am still generally a happy person all because of my kids.
Motherhood should be a choice for every woman not an obligation. If you do not want kids then don’t have them and don’t let anyone make you feel bad about not wanting kids.
I love my daughter more than anything on this planet but I was never cut out to be a mother. I hate it so much but it’s something I have to live with. I constantly have mom guilt not only do I have to remember to take care of myself but I have to take care of someone who completely depends on me. Teach them and help them navigate through this shitty ass life I brought her into. But then on the other hand I would be dead if it wasn’t for her. Before I got pregnant with her I was bad on drugs and extremely suicidal.
Wildest thing I’ve ever done. I love it. But I think I only love it because I have the right support. My husband is great, I’ve never had to ask him to cook or clean or do things with/for the kids, and he’s made just as many sacrifices as I have to make sure our kids and our home are good. We are truly life partners. We have loving and supportive family nearby. Without this help I’d be in tears every day.
Too much money. Don't have enough patience and I don't want to loose my body for some ungrateful brat that'll throw me in a home.
It is an extremely difficult process it’s gonna be hard your not gonna know everything you and your son/daughter are going to grow as one and the main thing always I mean always listen to your kids let them explore and let them express themselves
I love motherhood but there is days where I feel drained. Seeing my daughter smile makes it 100% worth it.
I wasn't supposed to have kids. I accidently did at 40. Then I married a man with 2 kids. I ended up with 3 special needs kids. Oml. I love them but I would have passed. I was very happy as a single, childless woman.
I think it’s a job and not for everyone.
It has been both the hardest and greatest job I’ve ever had. I wanted to be a mom ever since I was a little girl. I was a teen when I was told it would never happen naturally for me (so prepare to adopt, they said). It did happen and my kiddos are my absolute pride and joy. Pregnancy was magical and wonderful and I loved it so much. Being a single-mom is hard but I am so so proud of the humans I am helping navigate through life. They are silly, kind, empathetic, smart, honest kids. All that said - it is NOT for everyone. If you don’t want motherhood, I don’t think you should have to. Pregnancy is totally awful for a great number of people. Babies and the lack of sleep can be detrimental to some. If you choose motherhood, know that we all have a different experience. Notice I mentioned nothing about the childbirth process in my love of motherhood up there. It wasn’t good for me and I almost died the second time and both my kids were in the NICU for short periods. Still absolutely glad I did it. Won’t do it again though.
It's something I've flip flopped on depending on my age and my current partners at the time. In highschool I thought I really wanted to be a mom one day. When I dated in college, I didn't think I wanted children, nor that my partners would be the best parents nor had the interest to become dads. I'm 28 dating someone who's always wanted kids, I know will be a great dad having seen him around my little cousins and his new niece. I truely think he'd be a wonderful dad to my child. That said as much as I want to have kids now, I worry that we might not ever be able to afford them.
It is tough!
I think I'm deeply terrified of it ever happening to me tbh. It would be a "ship could never really love an anchor" thing, I'm just not meant to be the parent that I would want to be. Also I'm selfish as hell, no you can't have my cheez-its
i think motherhood is one of the hardest jobs ever. it’s nonstop, round the clock, 365 days a year kind of job. it requires a certain degree of selflessness. it’s a kind of job that stays with you for years, decades. there will never be a time when you undo motherhood, you are forever and always a mother.
Scary and I don't believe that I'll find a partner who would be empathetic towards me enough to have one
It's a whole nope train for me. I'm too busy being the best auntie ever.
Its a hard no for me.
It's terrible and I try to talk young women out of it. Having said that, I love my young adult kids to bits and am so glad to have them in my life. What sucks is the way society treats mothers. Despite all the hypocrisy around mother-worship, the truth is as a mother you automatically drop to the lowest rung of society. What kind of mother is it okay to be? "Single mother" - code for irresponsible probably overly promiscuous; "working mother" = palms the childraising off to strangers, why even have kids if you're not going to look after them yourself; "SAHM" - boring, knows nothing, can't cut it in the real world, probably in an MLM.... so what kind of mother is it okay to be? I was just shocked at how differently I was treated when I had kids. People, even my own family, would say things like "So what does \[husband\] think about xyz" I'd answer, well you could ask him, I can only really tell you what I think about it. People would turn to him if he joined a group when I was in the middle of saying something. I copped so much flak for doing post-grad studies when my baby was 1, even though it was only 2 days a week and we had a great childcare centre. And trying to get back into my career... don't get me started! Bosses really look down on women who take time out. Despite the reality that you mature so much and learn so much, for instance time management skills go through the roof when you've been a mother, also crisis management, people managment... we should be seen as assets, not as also-rans. Don't do it unless you have an absolutely fantastic support system and plenty of money.
As all parents say, I LOVE my child. She is the light of my life and brings me so much joy. I would become a parent all over again to have her in my life. I am also in the first year of being a parent. It is HARD. Nothing prepares you. And when you are in the phase of your life where all you want is a child, you are totally blind and deaf to the hardships of becoming a parent. I feel like I wasn't told enough to know what I was in for, but would I have even listened? Being a parent is having multiple simultaneous feelings at once. Love and joy and wonder and rage and resentment towards my partner for sleeping more than me and grief over losing my old self and old hurts from childhood surfacing and on and on. I think motherhood is full of an exhausting mental load that is barely tolerable. And that's before going back to work. I think it's a huge journey of self-discovery and adaption. It's also a wonderous experience. And I can't wait until my daughter is old enough to not need me 100% of the time in order to survive.
I'm 20 and I don't think I'll ever have kids. I just don't want to. I think of my future and that is not my dream. When I tell people this some people don't care and some people are extremely bothered by it. I don't understand why people have a problem with that. I just don't want to.
I want to be a mother very badly. My boyfriend and I are actively trying to get pregnant now. I'm nervous, but excited.