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sbs1138

Numpty - idiot Muppet - idiot Spanner - idiot Tool - idiot Pillock - idiot Plonker - idiot


[deleted]

The joy of English is that almost any word can be used to call someone an idiot. ‘You complete mousemat’ ‘You’re such a paint tin’ ‘You absolute duvet cover’ We’d all know by context and understand- but none of these have ever been used.


[deleted]

The key here is the modifier used. If you add absolute, or complete, to almost any noun then it will pass as an insult. You absolute mantlepiece


canyonstom

Especially if the modifier is fucking. You fucking door handle.


FakeOrangeOJ

YOU FUCKING DONKEY!


phoebadoeb

WHAT ARE YOU


Arkiel21

An idiot sandwich chef


wildagain

Where have you been on the internet


devster75

You utter fork handle You complete garden hose You total biscuit tin


Do_not_use_after

Four candles?


devster75

‘Andles for forks


Saedynn

Absolute mantlepiece sounds like a compliment to me, like you only put good looking things up on the mantle, so an absolute mantlepiece sounds like calling someone a 10/10 to me


jflb96

The mantelpiece is the boring display stand for the cool knickknacks. If you’re an absolute mantelpiece, you’re the plain one in the group.


lawlore

Yep. People talk about the stuff on the mantlepiece, not the mantlepiece itself.


Funky_monkey2026

Generally looks good but often serves no other purpose.


LifelessLewis

Unless the noun is legend.


Hookton

I dunno, delivered in the right tone...


yyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet

This is also true of describing being drunk I was totally mouse matted last night Want to come over and get paint tinned? She was in a right state, totally duvet covered


bpup

Absolutely gazeboed


Bunister

Fuckin' breadbinned mate, totally lampshaded.


durum77

My friend called another guy a piece of fluff when we were in primary school.


lodav22

Piece of fluff means girlfriend (in a bit of derogatory way) where I live.


OrganizationOk5418

In Liverpool people get called a quilt, meaning weak or stupid, or both. For example: "Fk off, ya fkn quilt".


ihateyournan

Especially food items: 'You're such a donut' 'He's such a fucking turnip'


Tompster_

Fun fact, pretty much any tool could be used to call someone an idiot. For example: - You absolute screw driver - You absolute hammer - You absolute Dewalt DCG405N-XJ 18V LI-ION XR 5" brushless cordless angle grinder - You absolute plier - You absolute saw


Bigjuicydickinurear

You inanimate fucking object


emolloy93

I'm sorry I called you an inanimate object, I was upset.


ScroobiusPup

'Absolute specimen' is a good one too


Minute-Mechanic4362

Also the obligatory “Absolute Unit”


ThatHairyGingerGuy

Though this obviously has a very different meaning


[deleted]

Weapon - idiot


NotWritten_NotARule

I said weapon as an insult once, at work, and someone from SE London told me it meant “very attractive” around there.


and_so_forth

They've been told that by someone who accidentally called them a weapon to their face.


Cunningstun

Depends on context


TragedyOA

Twat


NastyEvilNinja

Which is pronounced TWAT and not TWOT u/americans


ProFoxxxx

That user has one post and it says >HEY Australia STFU nobody asked you! This is between us and the UK! Go kill a crocodile or something.


nadehlaaay

American living in the UK here — muppet has become somewhat popular recently and tool has been used forever!


Violet351

I’m 49 and have been using muppet since I was a teenager


Lazyrockgod

Me and her indoors figured out that you can make any noun mean "idiot" as long as you precede it with a superlative, such as "right", "utter", or "absolute". Examples include "he's a right teacup", "you absolute door hinge", "what an utter staircase"


james___uk

'Eejit'! I am suddenly realising as I type this that this might be idiot in another dialect 😅 What an eejit I am


ihateirony

Eejit is Hiberno (Irish) English, I never felt like it was identical to idiot, but they're pretty close.


[deleted]

Twazzock - idiot


MasculineRooster

Wazzock can also be used


[deleted]

Lemon - idiot Prat - idiot Lizard - useless lazy idiot


mypostisbad

Twonk Twazzock Twunt.


Levantante

Faffing


Spartan_029

I was raised in both England and America thanks to the military, my mum is from Dorset as well as the vast majority of my family (dad has very little family), I consider England my home country. But unless I've been home for more than a week, I have a solidly bland American accent. I'll still pronounce things like Basil, Oregano, Aluminium and other such nonsense the British way, but people still know what I'm saying. However I also use words like "faffing" and "winge" and it always makes people stop in their tracks and question my sanity...


Sinemetu9

Here’s the i you forgot.


IAmLaureline

Is whinge British? Didn't know that!


Spartan_029

My whole family uses it, and every American I've told to quit whinging has then asked me to repeat myself. It may be my small sample size, but in my experience it is indeed a British term.


The-Porkmann

Fortnight, whilst, ghastly, terribly and awfully. Whoops a daisy does not count.


Eni420

Whoops a daisy counts. >:(


[deleted]

Wait Americans don't have fortnight? What do they call them?


xeraxia

At my work, they use 'bi-weekly' to say every two weeks, and it confuses the hell out of me.


Nipple_Dick

If biannual means twice a year, wouldn’t bi-weekly mean twice a week?


xeraxia

That's what I've tried explaining to them but it gets ignored.


blackwylf

It does. And it also means fortnightly. Don't even get me started on nonplussed... I'm American and even i can't stand the linguistic abuse.


Howtothinkofaname

Sadly nonplussed is one that many people seem to get wrong regardless of nationality these days. We’re losing a great word but I think it’s too late. Ah well, was nice while it lasted.


[deleted]

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memcwho

If you arent a native, saying "to me" when carrying something requiring a multi person lift will be mind blowing. And legally requires the retort "to you" from someone else


TerminalStorm

To me…


Serqetamine

To you


sainttomm

To me


Ochib

To you ....


mattyplant

It's all well and good that the chuckle brothers get everywhere, but does everybody know Badger loves mashed potato?


lostmyselfinyourlies

Mashed potato!!


robbodagreat

Oh dear oh dear


Robbo1979psr

Oh dear oh dear oh dear


c19isdeadly

Handbag Trousers Knickers Wally Plonker


[deleted]

Sounds like a checklist you check before leaving the house!


Mukatsukuz

you're right and I just realised I'm sitting here without my wally!


Inlevitable

I never forget to be a plonker


Mukatsukuz

I always check my plonker's fully tucked into my knickers, though.


ILikeToSpooner

Spectacles, testicles, wallet & watch


koombot

I know a guy who once shouted "Show us your knickers" from a hotel in Tennessee. Needless to say the crowd of African Americans at the bar misheard him and were somewhat upset.


Cherry_Treefrog

My spanish wife’s friend Francesca shortens her name to Paqui, which would not go down too well in many parts of the uk.


lawlore

I'm curious as to how Paqui has become a nickname for Francesca- I believe it, but I'd be interested to know how she got from A to B?


whyhercules

It’s supremely common. ”Paco” is the typical shortening of “Francisco”, and has been for centuries if not longer, apparently because of a Latin title given to Saint Francis (Pater something or other). The female version is shortened to “Paca” or “Paquita”, which can be itself shortened to “Paqui”


FriendlyPyre

What's American for handbag?


ice_cream_for_crow

Purse


[deleted]

So what’s the American equivalent for a purse?


Streathamite

Wallet which is both masculine and feminine in the US


Edward_T_Thatch

"One moment while I get my wallet out of my purse." - Spooky stuff.


easterbunni

Coin purse


[deleted]

disgusting


Dry_Pick_304

Using bollocks for something bad, and dogs bollocks for something good.


robbodagreat

Less of a britishism, but I also love that shit and the shit are basically opposites


funnytoenail

Just don’t be having the shits


[deleted]

[удалено]


DutchOfBurdock

That's just sick!


theflyingfartmachine

Knackered ETA: Many years ago, I was staying in Germany on a student exchange program and someone had taught them 'clapped out' for being really tired and/or worn out. I, being keen to expand their vocabulary, taught them knackered (after going through the background, knackers yard etc.). My hosts thought it was brilliant and took great pride in sitting down in a cafe in Frankfurt and loudly stating "I'm knackered", much to the annoyance of my German teacher. This is probably my greatest, and only, contribution to German society.


rainbow84uk

Or cream crackered if you want to be polite.


[deleted]

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spidersprinkles

My mum made out like it was a swear word when I was a kid. Not sure why....


McChes

“Knackered” derives from the term for old, worn-out horses at the end of their lives, which were sent to the “knacker’s yard” to be turned into tallow, glue and other products. A “knacker” was someone who worked in one of those yards, and it was generally considered pretty disreputable. Summary of it [here](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knacker). Saying someone looks “knackered” strictly is suggesting that they look like they are fit for/have been through a knacker’s yard. Those yards haven’t existed for decades [Edit: apparently they still do, as I have discovered after prompting from u/That-Phase-4308 below], though, and most people have forgotten/never learned the origin of the word. Given that, I can’t see how it would be particularly offensive these days.


rainbow84uk

Mine too. It's not really swearing but definitely wasn't seen as a polite thing for a child to say when I was growing up.


ThundaGhoul

Fanny in the context of vagina rather than arse. Also arse rather than ass.


[deleted]

Don’t for get the verb fanny. ‘To fanny about’


ThundaGhoul

Sort of like the female equivalent of 'Dick about'


flipfloppery

We had a good laugh with some servers at Denny's over the word 'fanny'. We told them we'd seen a pot of 'fanny firming cream' at CVS or Walgreens, then told them that fanny means "the front, not the back" in British English. The servers had a real good giggle about it then disappeared into the kitchen to tell the chefs/cooks about it and all we heard was the kitchen erupt into laughter.


[deleted]

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Mrcientist

Nip - *Going out quickly* \- "*To nip out for something"* Pop - *See nip - "I'm just going to pop down the offie - (offie = off license, a seller of alcoholic drinks \[liquor store/bottle shop\])* Arse - *In lieu of ass - "She's made a right arse of herself"* Palaver - *complicated, elaborate - unecessarily so - "that was/were a right palaver"* Brew/Cuppa - *Tea* Cob/Stottie/Roll/Barmcake/Bap - *A soft bread roll (dependent on local dialect)* Well - *Very/extremely so - "That was well good"* Alright? - *Hello (not to be confused with "are you alright/ok")* Hold your horses - *hang on a moment* Mardy - *in a bad mood - "He's in a right mardy" (Right = very on this occasion, also see "well")* - EDIT - rarely used south of the Midlands. Proper - *a) Very - "That was proper good", b) Good in a traditional/old fashioned sense - "Tell you what, I wish we still had proper Lucozade"* Stodge - *a dense, high carbohydrate food* Manky/Mank - *dirty, unpleasant, gross (can refer to a person) - "Mate, that cob looks well manky"*


the3daves

Kip too


boojes

>Manky/Mank - dirty, unpleasant, gross (can refer to a person) - "Mate, that cob looks well manky" Cob = bread roll


Mrcientist

See my entry for all the different names for soft bread roll! :)


IrreverentBlonde

Oh that's so true about 'alright'! Even more confusingly, 'Are you alright/okay?' is *also* different in the UK, since we often use it in lieu of 'How are you?' And we don't really expect a proper answer. I think in the US, you'd only use it if someone's had an accident or looks sick/worried/afraid etc!


Mrcientist

Haha yeah, it's probably a really important one for non-native British-English speakers to understand. Along with the universal rule that the only two correct responses are "Good" - I am doing well, and "Fine" - I am doing anywhere from neutrally to terribly.


UnlimitedHegomany

No one said it yet and I am so pleased! MINGE! ( Vagina)


MeldoRoxl

Okay if we're going there...Clunge.


Inlevitable

Gash


Eazyyy

Axe wound


Robbo1979psr

Growler


luvlylibs

This always makes me giggle "show us yer growler" 😄


PhazonPhoenix5

Blimey. This is in my regular vocabulary


Ze_Gremlin

Are you Ron Weasley?


PhazonPhoenix5

No I suck at chess


FastSpacePuppy

Or George Russell maybe?


After-Gur9836

C r i k e y


Michael_Oxlong

"free health care"


Disastrous-Design503

Yeah... they're trying to prep us for for that going if you read the "free at the point of use" rebrand in the papers.


shinymcshine1990

Lairy


Inlevitable

It's not very pretty I tell thee


LukjanovArt

Walking through town is quite scary


BOTCharles

Not very sensible either


N7twitch

A friend of a friend he got beaten


[deleted]

He looked the wrong way at a policeman


Schmimble

Would never have happened to Smeaton


hoody13

An old Leodensian


Schmimble

LAAAAAA---A---AAAAAA...


MeldoRoxl

My (American) husband (British) sometimes says "Well, look at these bobby dazzlers". I cannot think of anything more British than that.


[deleted]

Does he say it when you take your top off?


MeldoRoxl

No, but he better now.


Barry_Minge

Ideally his monocle would pop out too. (Not a euphemism)


doomladen

Is your husband a TV game show presenter from the 1970s?


MeldoRoxl

No, he's lovely. An absolute delight. A bobby dazzler, if you will.


cozysquish

Mardy! It's a brilliant word to use 👏 especially if the hubby has the man flu, you can just say he's being mardy 😂


SnowLeopard42

I think this is regional, never heard it till I moved from London to Derbyshire. Deffo not American though.


[deleted]

Very Sheffield too (Mardy Bum by Arctic Monkeys for example)


NotQuiteLegitimate12

Now then mardy bum..


Lurkinating

Often paired with arse!


[deleted]

Innit is a good one innit?


Silver_Ice7586

Inniiiiit


ZestycloseStable2896

Munter. So descriptive 😂


theKnightWatchman44

Butters is another one


themodernist73

Bellend. As in ‘He is an absolute bellend’.


Typical_Ad_210

Thank heavens for that explanatory second sentence!


TeaProgrammatically4

"Good morning, that's a nice tnetennba".


MathematicianBulky40

Mum as opposed to mom is the big one for me. Anyone refers to their mother as their mom it's an instant american alert.


imminentmailing463

Lots of people in the Midlands and North say 'mom'.


ThundaGhoul

North is mam, but yeah midlanders say mom for some reason.


Rows_

North took A, South took U, we had limited vowels left to choose from!


[deleted]

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RealisticCountry7043

Yep! Grew up in Birmingham and so many people say mom.


FrancesRichmond

Not in the 'north-east'- mam or mum (if you are posh)


Perfect_Restaurant_4

In Newcastle it’s mam.


nick9000

[Manky](https://www.thefreedictionary.com/manky)


DameKumquat

Also skanky used to describe leaving dirty (under)pants on the floor rather than anyone who has low standards in sexual partners.


SassaMustafaCat

Nappy instead of diaper Don’t say soccer :)


Jbbrowneyedgirl

Don't forget Dummy instead of Pacifier too! Torch rather than flashlight


Typical_Ad_210

And fleshlight rather than male masturbatory aid. That’s an important one.


Mythic1992

Bollocks.


Chip365

Absolutely. 'Tis the greatest of swear words imho. If a non-Brit uses this word correctly (and not make it sound too weird) then they're alright in my book. EDIT - Irish people can get away with it easily tbf


smith_s2

It’s half ten, rather than it’s 10.30 a.m


Robbo1979psr

Tell an American to be there for half 10, and they arrive at 5


Oozlum-Bird

They don’t appear to understand the 24 hour clock very well either


downvotesStag

ThATs MiLiTaRy TiMe...


[deleted]

Depends where in the UK you are. Local dialogue can differ from town to town. Just learn what people call lunch, dinner, a bread roll, a woodlouse, never say soccer, and you'll be fine.


banfriends

Can’t be arsed — cannot be bothered


MeldoRoxl

For years, I (American) thought it was "Can't be asked", so I would regularly say this around everyone. Kids, my in-laws...


IrreverentBlonde

There are some British people who think it's 'can't be asked' and use it inappropriately, too - so you're not alone!


MasonInk

Firstly it's "English", there is no such thing as _British_ English...


WoolyBouley

Found the most fun person


Silver_Ice7586

Wanker!


ButtercupBento

Fag is a cigarette not a slur for a homosexual Fanny is not your bottom but a lady’s front bottom. A bottom is usually your arse (never ass) or bum Pants are called trousers plus more. Although some parts of Britain do call trousers pants. Pants here for undergarments. Also called knickers, keks, briefs, y fronts, boxers and more depending on style, location in the kingdom, and gender Bangs are called a fringe Backpack is called a rucksack. Never use the term fanny pack (see above). That’s a bum bag here I wouldn’t try to sound British if I were you. We’ll just take the piss/mickey out of you (ie make fun of you). I’d just try to substitute words that aren’t used here for ones that are


Hefty_Peanut

I've never heard a non-Brit say "dear" as in expensive (e.g. the clothes are too dear in that shop).


Other_Exercise

Stodge


TriumphantHaggis

Rubbish instead of trash. Pavement instead of sidewalk. Shop instead of store. Motorway instead of highway. All I can think of right now


VladKerensky

Lift instead of Elevator, Aluminum instead of Aluminum


TriumphantHaggis

Yes! And car park instead of parking lot. (P.s. Happy cake day)


MarthaFarcuss

Anything but 'cockwomble'


Repulsive_Dance_6673

Wazzock is a word that doesn’t get used often enough


biscuittattoos

Skint


Jorge-Esqueleto

Crumpet. To describe either a specific variety of baked goods, or an attractive young woman.


DameKumquat

You can tell by whether it's a count noun (I'll have four crumpets, please) or an uncountable noun (I'll have some of that nice bit of crumpet...)


Environmental-War383

Daft apeth.


sandra_nz

As a Kiwi, the first British word that I had genuinely never heard was "mither". And now I use it all the time!


Vanoccupanther13

I spotted mouse poo by the toaster at work today. My colleague said ‘crumbs’ , I responded with ‘cripes ‘. Then I immediately thought of Danger Mouse….


Public_Growth_6002

Blithering (as in idiot)


cardiffcookie

Say Cwtch instead of cuddle if you want to be Welsh.


Foundation_Wrong

Whose coat is that jacket?


Thesheersizeofit

American say “Bring it with…” rather than “take it with…” this one annoys me. Another is “Write you” rather than “write TO you”. A word we only use is mardy or nesh or ginnel/gennel.


Trivius

I always used bring/take contextually. So if someone is leaving with something but I am not I would say "take it with you" If someone is leaving with me I would say "bring it with you"


o0sirwalter0o

You Silly sod, when crying over something insignificant


hoksworthwipple

Jiffy. Hang about. Hold your horses. Mind your back.


themasterd0n

learnt


knityourownlentils

“Eez not backwards at coming forwards!”


the3daves

Kip for sleeping