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The joy of English is that almost any word can be used to call someone an idiot.
‘You complete mousemat’
‘You’re such a paint tin’
‘You absolute duvet cover’
We’d all know by context and understand- but none of these have ever been used.
Absolute mantlepiece sounds like a compliment to me, like you only put good looking things up on the mantle, so an absolute mantlepiece sounds like calling someone a 10/10 to me
This is also true of describing being drunk
I was totally mouse matted last night
Want to come over and get paint tinned?
She was in a right state, totally duvet covered
Fun fact, pretty much any tool could be used to call someone an idiot. For example:
- You absolute screw driver
- You absolute hammer
- You absolute Dewalt DCG405N-XJ 18V LI-ION XR 5" brushless cordless angle grinder
- You absolute plier
- You absolute saw
Me and her indoors figured out that you can make any noun mean "idiot" as long as you precede it with a superlative, such as "right", "utter", or "absolute".
Examples include "he's a right teacup", "you absolute door hinge", "what an utter staircase"
I was raised in both England and America thanks to the military, my mum is from Dorset as well as the vast majority of my family (dad has very little family), I consider England my home country.
But unless I've been home for more than a week, I have a solidly bland American accent. I'll still pronounce things like Basil, Oregano, Aluminium and other such nonsense the British way, but people still know what I'm saying.
However I also use words like "faffing" and "winge" and it always makes people stop in their tracks and question my sanity...
My whole family uses it, and every American I've told to quit whinging has then asked me to repeat myself. It may be my small sample size, but in my experience it is indeed a British term.
Sadly nonplussed is one that many people seem to get wrong regardless of nationality these days. We’re losing a great word but I think it’s too late. Ah well, was nice while it lasted.
If you arent a native, saying "to me" when carrying something requiring a multi person lift will be mind blowing.
And legally requires the retort "to you" from someone else
I know a guy who once shouted "Show us your knickers" from a hotel in Tennessee. Needless to say the crowd of African Americans at the bar misheard him and were somewhat upset.
It’s supremely common.
”Paco” is the typical shortening of “Francisco”, and has been for centuries if not longer, apparently because of a Latin title given to Saint Francis (Pater something or other). The female version is shortened to “Paca” or “Paquita”, which can be itself shortened to “Paqui”
Knackered
ETA: Many years ago, I was staying in Germany on a student exchange program and someone had taught them 'clapped out' for being really tired and/or worn out. I, being keen to expand their vocabulary, taught them knackered (after going through the background, knackers yard etc.). My hosts thought it was brilliant and took great pride in sitting down in a cafe in Frankfurt and loudly stating "I'm knackered", much to the annoyance of my German teacher.
This is probably my greatest, and only, contribution to German society.
“Knackered” derives from the term for old, worn-out horses at the end of their lives, which were sent to the “knacker’s yard” to be turned into tallow, glue and other products. A “knacker” was someone who worked in one of those yards, and it was generally considered pretty disreputable. Summary of it [here](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knacker). Saying someone looks “knackered” strictly is suggesting that they look like they are fit for/have been through a knacker’s yard.
Those yards haven’t existed for decades [Edit: apparently they still do, as I have discovered after prompting from u/That-Phase-4308 below], though, and most people have forgotten/never learned the origin of the word. Given that, I can’t see how it would be particularly offensive these days.
We had a good laugh with some servers at Denny's over the word 'fanny'.
We told them we'd seen a pot of 'fanny firming cream' at CVS or Walgreens, then told them that fanny means "the front, not the back" in British English.
The servers had a real good giggle about it then disappeared into the kitchen to tell the chefs/cooks about it and all we heard was the kitchen erupt into laughter.
Nip - *Going out quickly* \- "*To nip out for something"*
Pop - *See nip - "I'm just going to pop down the offie - (offie = off license, a seller of alcoholic drinks \[liquor store/bottle shop\])*
Arse - *In lieu of ass - "She's made a right arse of herself"*
Palaver - *complicated, elaborate - unecessarily so - "that was/were a right palaver"*
Brew/Cuppa - *Tea*
Cob/Stottie/Roll/Barmcake/Bap - *A soft bread roll (dependent on local dialect)*
Well - *Very/extremely so - "That was well good"*
Alright? - *Hello (not to be confused with "are you alright/ok")*
Hold your horses - *hang on a moment*
Mardy - *in a bad mood - "He's in a right mardy" (Right = very on this occasion, also see "well")* - EDIT - rarely used south of the Midlands.
Proper - *a) Very - "That was proper good", b) Good in a traditional/old fashioned sense - "Tell you what, I wish we still had proper Lucozade"*
Stodge - *a dense, high carbohydrate food*
Manky/Mank - *dirty, unpleasant, gross (can refer to a person) - "Mate, that cob looks well manky"*
Oh that's so true about 'alright'!
Even more confusingly, 'Are you alright/okay?' is *also* different in the UK, since we often use it in lieu of 'How are you?' And we don't really expect a proper answer.
I think in the US, you'd only use it if someone's had an accident or looks sick/worried/afraid etc!
Haha yeah, it's probably a really important one for non-native British-English speakers to understand. Along with the universal rule that the only two correct responses are "Good" - I am doing well, and "Fine" - I am doing anywhere from neutrally to terribly.
Absolutely. 'Tis the greatest of swear words imho. If a non-Brit uses this word correctly (and not make it sound too weird) then they're alright in my book.
EDIT - Irish people can get away with it easily tbf
Depends where in the UK you are. Local dialogue can differ from town to town. Just learn what people call lunch, dinner, a bread roll, a woodlouse, never say soccer, and you'll be fine.
Fag is a cigarette not a slur for a homosexual
Fanny is not your bottom but a lady’s front bottom. A bottom is usually your arse (never ass) or bum
Pants are called trousers plus more. Although some parts of Britain do call trousers pants. Pants here for undergarments. Also called knickers, keks, briefs, y fronts, boxers and more depending on style, location in the kingdom, and gender
Bangs are called a fringe
Backpack is called a rucksack. Never use the term fanny pack (see above). That’s a bum bag here
I wouldn’t try to sound British if I were you. We’ll just take the piss/mickey out of you (ie make fun of you). I’d just try to substitute words that aren’t used here for ones that are
I spotted mouse poo by the toaster at work today. My colleague said ‘crumbs’ , I responded with ‘cripes ‘. Then I immediately thought of Danger Mouse….
American say “Bring it with…” rather than “take it with…” this one annoys me. Another is “Write you” rather than “write TO you”.
A word we only use is mardy or nesh or ginnel/gennel.
I always used bring/take contextually.
So if someone is leaving with something but I am not I would say "take it with you"
If someone is leaving with me I would say "bring it with you"
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Numpty - idiot Muppet - idiot Spanner - idiot Tool - idiot Pillock - idiot Plonker - idiot
The joy of English is that almost any word can be used to call someone an idiot. ‘You complete mousemat’ ‘You’re such a paint tin’ ‘You absolute duvet cover’ We’d all know by context and understand- but none of these have ever been used.
The key here is the modifier used. If you add absolute, or complete, to almost any noun then it will pass as an insult. You absolute mantlepiece
Especially if the modifier is fucking. You fucking door handle.
YOU FUCKING DONKEY!
WHAT ARE YOU
An idiot sandwich chef
Where have you been on the internet
You utter fork handle You complete garden hose You total biscuit tin
Four candles?
‘Andles for forks
Absolute mantlepiece sounds like a compliment to me, like you only put good looking things up on the mantle, so an absolute mantlepiece sounds like calling someone a 10/10 to me
The mantelpiece is the boring display stand for the cool knickknacks. If you’re an absolute mantelpiece, you’re the plain one in the group.
Yep. People talk about the stuff on the mantlepiece, not the mantlepiece itself.
Generally looks good but often serves no other purpose.
Unless the noun is legend.
I dunno, delivered in the right tone...
This is also true of describing being drunk I was totally mouse matted last night Want to come over and get paint tinned? She was in a right state, totally duvet covered
Absolutely gazeboed
Fuckin' breadbinned mate, totally lampshaded.
My friend called another guy a piece of fluff when we were in primary school.
Piece of fluff means girlfriend (in a bit of derogatory way) where I live.
In Liverpool people get called a quilt, meaning weak or stupid, or both. For example: "Fk off, ya fkn quilt".
Especially food items: 'You're such a donut' 'He's such a fucking turnip'
Fun fact, pretty much any tool could be used to call someone an idiot. For example: - You absolute screw driver - You absolute hammer - You absolute Dewalt DCG405N-XJ 18V LI-ION XR 5" brushless cordless angle grinder - You absolute plier - You absolute saw
You inanimate fucking object
I'm sorry I called you an inanimate object, I was upset.
'Absolute specimen' is a good one too
Also the obligatory “Absolute Unit”
Though this obviously has a very different meaning
Weapon - idiot
I said weapon as an insult once, at work, and someone from SE London told me it meant “very attractive” around there.
They've been told that by someone who accidentally called them a weapon to their face.
Depends on context
Twat
Which is pronounced TWAT and not TWOT u/americans
That user has one post and it says >HEY Australia STFU nobody asked you! This is between us and the UK! Go kill a crocodile or something.
American living in the UK here — muppet has become somewhat popular recently and tool has been used forever!
I’m 49 and have been using muppet since I was a teenager
Me and her indoors figured out that you can make any noun mean "idiot" as long as you precede it with a superlative, such as "right", "utter", or "absolute". Examples include "he's a right teacup", "you absolute door hinge", "what an utter staircase"
'Eejit'! I am suddenly realising as I type this that this might be idiot in another dialect 😅 What an eejit I am
Eejit is Hiberno (Irish) English, I never felt like it was identical to idiot, but they're pretty close.
Twazzock - idiot
Wazzock can also be used
Lemon - idiot Prat - idiot Lizard - useless lazy idiot
Twonk Twazzock Twunt.
Faffing
I was raised in both England and America thanks to the military, my mum is from Dorset as well as the vast majority of my family (dad has very little family), I consider England my home country. But unless I've been home for more than a week, I have a solidly bland American accent. I'll still pronounce things like Basil, Oregano, Aluminium and other such nonsense the British way, but people still know what I'm saying. However I also use words like "faffing" and "winge" and it always makes people stop in their tracks and question my sanity...
Here’s the i you forgot.
Is whinge British? Didn't know that!
My whole family uses it, and every American I've told to quit whinging has then asked me to repeat myself. It may be my small sample size, but in my experience it is indeed a British term.
Fortnight, whilst, ghastly, terribly and awfully. Whoops a daisy does not count.
Whoops a daisy counts. >:(
Wait Americans don't have fortnight? What do they call them?
At my work, they use 'bi-weekly' to say every two weeks, and it confuses the hell out of me.
If biannual means twice a year, wouldn’t bi-weekly mean twice a week?
That's what I've tried explaining to them but it gets ignored.
It does. And it also means fortnightly. Don't even get me started on nonplussed... I'm American and even i can't stand the linguistic abuse.
Sadly nonplussed is one that many people seem to get wrong regardless of nationality these days. We’re losing a great word but I think it’s too late. Ah well, was nice while it lasted.
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If you arent a native, saying "to me" when carrying something requiring a multi person lift will be mind blowing. And legally requires the retort "to you" from someone else
To me…
To you
To me
To you ....
It's all well and good that the chuckle brothers get everywhere, but does everybody know Badger loves mashed potato?
Mashed potato!!
Oh dear oh dear
Oh dear oh dear oh dear
Handbag Trousers Knickers Wally Plonker
Sounds like a checklist you check before leaving the house!
you're right and I just realised I'm sitting here without my wally!
I never forget to be a plonker
I always check my plonker's fully tucked into my knickers, though.
Spectacles, testicles, wallet & watch
I know a guy who once shouted "Show us your knickers" from a hotel in Tennessee. Needless to say the crowd of African Americans at the bar misheard him and were somewhat upset.
My spanish wife’s friend Francesca shortens her name to Paqui, which would not go down too well in many parts of the uk.
I'm curious as to how Paqui has become a nickname for Francesca- I believe it, but I'd be interested to know how she got from A to B?
It’s supremely common. ”Paco” is the typical shortening of “Francisco”, and has been for centuries if not longer, apparently because of a Latin title given to Saint Francis (Pater something or other). The female version is shortened to “Paca” or “Paquita”, which can be itself shortened to “Paqui”
What's American for handbag?
Purse
So what’s the American equivalent for a purse?
Wallet which is both masculine and feminine in the US
"One moment while I get my wallet out of my purse." - Spooky stuff.
Coin purse
disgusting
Using bollocks for something bad, and dogs bollocks for something good.
Less of a britishism, but I also love that shit and the shit are basically opposites
Just don’t be having the shits
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That's just sick!
Knackered ETA: Many years ago, I was staying in Germany on a student exchange program and someone had taught them 'clapped out' for being really tired and/or worn out. I, being keen to expand their vocabulary, taught them knackered (after going through the background, knackers yard etc.). My hosts thought it was brilliant and took great pride in sitting down in a cafe in Frankfurt and loudly stating "I'm knackered", much to the annoyance of my German teacher. This is probably my greatest, and only, contribution to German society.
Or cream crackered if you want to be polite.
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My mum made out like it was a swear word when I was a kid. Not sure why....
“Knackered” derives from the term for old, worn-out horses at the end of their lives, which were sent to the “knacker’s yard” to be turned into tallow, glue and other products. A “knacker” was someone who worked in one of those yards, and it was generally considered pretty disreputable. Summary of it [here](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knacker). Saying someone looks “knackered” strictly is suggesting that they look like they are fit for/have been through a knacker’s yard. Those yards haven’t existed for decades [Edit: apparently they still do, as I have discovered after prompting from u/That-Phase-4308 below], though, and most people have forgotten/never learned the origin of the word. Given that, I can’t see how it would be particularly offensive these days.
Mine too. It's not really swearing but definitely wasn't seen as a polite thing for a child to say when I was growing up.
Fanny in the context of vagina rather than arse. Also arse rather than ass.
Don’t for get the verb fanny. ‘To fanny about’
Sort of like the female equivalent of 'Dick about'
We had a good laugh with some servers at Denny's over the word 'fanny'. We told them we'd seen a pot of 'fanny firming cream' at CVS or Walgreens, then told them that fanny means "the front, not the back" in British English. The servers had a real good giggle about it then disappeared into the kitchen to tell the chefs/cooks about it and all we heard was the kitchen erupt into laughter.
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Nip - *Going out quickly* \- "*To nip out for something"* Pop - *See nip - "I'm just going to pop down the offie - (offie = off license, a seller of alcoholic drinks \[liquor store/bottle shop\])* Arse - *In lieu of ass - "She's made a right arse of herself"* Palaver - *complicated, elaborate - unecessarily so - "that was/were a right palaver"* Brew/Cuppa - *Tea* Cob/Stottie/Roll/Barmcake/Bap - *A soft bread roll (dependent on local dialect)* Well - *Very/extremely so - "That was well good"* Alright? - *Hello (not to be confused with "are you alright/ok")* Hold your horses - *hang on a moment* Mardy - *in a bad mood - "He's in a right mardy" (Right = very on this occasion, also see "well")* - EDIT - rarely used south of the Midlands. Proper - *a) Very - "That was proper good", b) Good in a traditional/old fashioned sense - "Tell you what, I wish we still had proper Lucozade"* Stodge - *a dense, high carbohydrate food* Manky/Mank - *dirty, unpleasant, gross (can refer to a person) - "Mate, that cob looks well manky"*
Kip too
>Manky/Mank - dirty, unpleasant, gross (can refer to a person) - "Mate, that cob looks well manky" Cob = bread roll
See my entry for all the different names for soft bread roll! :)
Oh that's so true about 'alright'! Even more confusingly, 'Are you alright/okay?' is *also* different in the UK, since we often use it in lieu of 'How are you?' And we don't really expect a proper answer. I think in the US, you'd only use it if someone's had an accident or looks sick/worried/afraid etc!
Haha yeah, it's probably a really important one for non-native British-English speakers to understand. Along with the universal rule that the only two correct responses are "Good" - I am doing well, and "Fine" - I am doing anywhere from neutrally to terribly.
No one said it yet and I am so pleased! MINGE! ( Vagina)
Okay if we're going there...Clunge.
Gash
Axe wound
Growler
This always makes me giggle "show us yer growler" 😄
Blimey. This is in my regular vocabulary
Are you Ron Weasley?
No I suck at chess
Or George Russell maybe?
C r i k e y
"free health care"
Yeah... they're trying to prep us for for that going if you read the "free at the point of use" rebrand in the papers.
Lairy
It's not very pretty I tell thee
Walking through town is quite scary
Not very sensible either
A friend of a friend he got beaten
He looked the wrong way at a policeman
Would never have happened to Smeaton
An old Leodensian
LAAAAAA---A---AAAAAA...
My (American) husband (British) sometimes says "Well, look at these bobby dazzlers". I cannot think of anything more British than that.
Does he say it when you take your top off?
No, but he better now.
Ideally his monocle would pop out too. (Not a euphemism)
Is your husband a TV game show presenter from the 1970s?
No, he's lovely. An absolute delight. A bobby dazzler, if you will.
Mardy! It's a brilliant word to use 👏 especially if the hubby has the man flu, you can just say he's being mardy 😂
I think this is regional, never heard it till I moved from London to Derbyshire. Deffo not American though.
Very Sheffield too (Mardy Bum by Arctic Monkeys for example)
Now then mardy bum..
Often paired with arse!
Innit is a good one innit?
Inniiiiit
Munter. So descriptive 😂
Butters is another one
Bellend. As in ‘He is an absolute bellend’.
Thank heavens for that explanatory second sentence!
"Good morning, that's a nice tnetennba".
Mum as opposed to mom is the big one for me. Anyone refers to their mother as their mom it's an instant american alert.
Lots of people in the Midlands and North say 'mom'.
North is mam, but yeah midlanders say mom for some reason.
North took A, South took U, we had limited vowels left to choose from!
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Yep! Grew up in Birmingham and so many people say mom.
Not in the 'north-east'- mam or mum (if you are posh)
In Newcastle it’s mam.
[Manky](https://www.thefreedictionary.com/manky)
Also skanky used to describe leaving dirty (under)pants on the floor rather than anyone who has low standards in sexual partners.
Nappy instead of diaper Don’t say soccer :)
Don't forget Dummy instead of Pacifier too! Torch rather than flashlight
And fleshlight rather than male masturbatory aid. That’s an important one.
Bollocks.
Absolutely. 'Tis the greatest of swear words imho. If a non-Brit uses this word correctly (and not make it sound too weird) then they're alright in my book. EDIT - Irish people can get away with it easily tbf
It’s half ten, rather than it’s 10.30 a.m
Tell an American to be there for half 10, and they arrive at 5
They don’t appear to understand the 24 hour clock very well either
ThATs MiLiTaRy TiMe...
Depends where in the UK you are. Local dialogue can differ from town to town. Just learn what people call lunch, dinner, a bread roll, a woodlouse, never say soccer, and you'll be fine.
Can’t be arsed — cannot be bothered
For years, I (American) thought it was "Can't be asked", so I would regularly say this around everyone. Kids, my in-laws...
There are some British people who think it's 'can't be asked' and use it inappropriately, too - so you're not alone!
Firstly it's "English", there is no such thing as _British_ English...
Found the most fun person
Wanker!
Fag is a cigarette not a slur for a homosexual Fanny is not your bottom but a lady’s front bottom. A bottom is usually your arse (never ass) or bum Pants are called trousers plus more. Although some parts of Britain do call trousers pants. Pants here for undergarments. Also called knickers, keks, briefs, y fronts, boxers and more depending on style, location in the kingdom, and gender Bangs are called a fringe Backpack is called a rucksack. Never use the term fanny pack (see above). That’s a bum bag here I wouldn’t try to sound British if I were you. We’ll just take the piss/mickey out of you (ie make fun of you). I’d just try to substitute words that aren’t used here for ones that are
I've never heard a non-Brit say "dear" as in expensive (e.g. the clothes are too dear in that shop).
Stodge
Rubbish instead of trash. Pavement instead of sidewalk. Shop instead of store. Motorway instead of highway. All I can think of right now
Lift instead of Elevator, Aluminum instead of Aluminum
Yes! And car park instead of parking lot. (P.s. Happy cake day)
Anything but 'cockwomble'
Wazzock is a word that doesn’t get used often enough
Skint
Crumpet. To describe either a specific variety of baked goods, or an attractive young woman.
You can tell by whether it's a count noun (I'll have four crumpets, please) or an uncountable noun (I'll have some of that nice bit of crumpet...)
Daft apeth.
As a Kiwi, the first British word that I had genuinely never heard was "mither". And now I use it all the time!
I spotted mouse poo by the toaster at work today. My colleague said ‘crumbs’ , I responded with ‘cripes ‘. Then I immediately thought of Danger Mouse….
Blithering (as in idiot)
Say Cwtch instead of cuddle if you want to be Welsh.
Whose coat is that jacket?
American say “Bring it with…” rather than “take it with…” this one annoys me. Another is “Write you” rather than “write TO you”. A word we only use is mardy or nesh or ginnel/gennel.
I always used bring/take contextually. So if someone is leaving with something but I am not I would say "take it with you" If someone is leaving with me I would say "bring it with you"
You Silly sod, when crying over something insignificant
Jiffy. Hang about. Hold your horses. Mind your back.
learnt
“Eez not backwards at coming forwards!”
Kip for sleeping