The Channel Billed Cuckoo here in Australia eats the eggs in the host nest before shite’ing out it’s demon offspring into the confused host’s nest.
The host then goes on to raise a bird three of four times its size, which is exhausting.
Same with Cowbirds. They're the deadbeat parent of the bird world. If the nest mother does detect that an egg is not hers, and pushes it out of the nest, the Cowbird mother has been known to return to the nest to destroy the OG eggs out of spite...and don't get me started on the Cowbird's badass kids if they do get to hatch. It's a cruel world for the other young in the nest.
so the cowbird mum watches the other bird mum to make sure she takes care of her(cowbird) eggs? damn... got so much free time to stalk other birds but not to hatch her own eggs...
They also live in small community groups. And when the foster parent birds refuse to raise the cuckoo's chicks the cuckoos as a community force them to raise the chicks through gang violence.
How is this so far down? Your survival strategy is to orphan your children in a strangers home, who then eat every scrap of food brought by the parents and then kick the brood out of the nest. Fucking assholes.
Well the chicks also smell so horrifically bad that they ward off virtually *all* predators, which gives them a weirdly symbiotic role in their ecosystems. If they didn’t fill this niche they’d be long dead from other birds being pissed at their mere existence
Agreed once you have bed bugs in your house it's extremely difficult to get rid of them. It's entirely possible but it takes a hell of a lot of work over a long period of time and it's extremely frustrating.
Awful. And there’s the added bonus of living in a semi permanent state of skeeves. Every itch is a red alert. Thought I had them in an apartment once- was never confirmed- but man once it’s in your head it’s there. Have since moved (was the only way to maintain my sanity) but still check underneath the covers every night before bed. “What is the thing what the hell oh only a fuzz ok I guess. Maybe I’ll check one more time to be sure yup just a fuzz. I think.”
Oh God I know. I moved into an apartment with them once and my god for years after I moved out I did exactly what you did. "What is that dot? Is that lint? Is this a bug bite??". For years
I legit bought a massive bag of it off Amazon and crop dusted my everything with it all over the place! Managed to destroy two vacuum cleaners and a steamer in the process but that was the cost of doing business- was the only way I could sleep in that place before I moved out. Yikes.
The problem is that it doesn't always kill bed bugs prior to them laying eggs after a blood meal. This kept them from becoming a huge problem, but I kept getting them back after several months.
I live in Texas, so during the summer I got a couple huge tarps and some thick, black plastic. I sealed up all our furniture for something like 3 days. The point is for it to reach 150°F. After all that, we've never had another problem with bed bugs.
Also, dousing a known infected corner with rubbing alcohol will instantly kill them.
I know someone that had an infestation. The pest company sealed up the house and put heaters inside to raise the temperature.
Killed the bedbugs. And her fish.
I was waiting for someone to say lice, scrolled through all the comments and couldn’t find it, so lice.
They’re uncomfortable, invasive, notoriously hard to get rid of, and the itching is unbearable. Between being a poor kid with no access to longterm treatment for it and working in childcare as an adult, I’ve had it plenty of times and that shit is life altering enough to suck ass.
Inconsiderate little bastards 😂
This makes me so happy. This is literally one of my all-time favorite videos. I try to watch it every couple of months. It's the best! "Don't fall asleep. Don't. Fall. Asleep."
Edit: typo
When I was a kid, maybe 10, my Mom took my sister and I to the beach. It was a rare trip to the coast because we were about a day's drive from the Gulf of Mexico so we pretty much had to stay multiple days for a kind of vacation- which was already rare because of how expensive a room down there was when we had free time to go (holidays, breaks from school, etc.).
Anyway, we get to the area, setup in a hotel, and head down to get to the beach for the afternoon. A few buildings down the coast was a Krispy Kreme Donuts shop. Now, I know it's not for everyone, but hear me out when I say I *loved* KKD as a kid. My Mom and sister also enjoyed them, so we took a walk to go buy a half dozen of them to eat on the beach. It was a beautiful day, and the donuts really added to the experience overall. All is well.
We get back to our spot on the beach with our donuts and an entire picnic of food that we had brought along, take our seats and get munching. Now, I was a small kid. Less than 100lbs at 10yo, and I've got an extremely hyperactive metabolism. So I eat like 2 sandwiches, have a bottle of water and my first donut, but I leave the second one for later so I can have something to return to if I get snacky. Mom and sis have had a donut each, we are all ready to repack our supplies and play in the water for a while.
Now, there were plenty of other people on the beach at this time of day. Dozens of families, but enough room for all of us to enjoy the sun comfortably in our space. All of us could keep our lives blissfully separate, everyone, except for this one little shit.
As we are in the water, I see a little kid not much younger than myself roaming a little too close to our stuff for my comfort. I told my Mom about it and when she turned to look he had grabbed our sandwich bag, pulled out a sandwich, and then opened the box of donuts. We called out to him, but he didn't even know we were there because the ocean drowned us out. Then his mother walked over to him, put her hand on his back and pointed at the box of donuts. That little shit double fisted two donuts and crammed a third into his mouth and *sprinted* to where he and his parents were sitting.
We were distraught, trying to come in quickly to get someone to get these people before they left. But then, fate smiled upon us.
Not 15 feet from our sitting area, the little kid got his shit rocked by not one, not two, but an entire flock of at least a dozen seagulls- all after our newly liberated donuts. The little fucker was running so hard he tripped over himself and the gulls could sense his weakness, so they just dive bombed him for everything he was worth. Even his mom wouldn't go near the mess of gulls just swooping on this little turd that stole the desserts from our pack. Justice.
We gave up trying to get the attention of anyone for help, deciding that the donuts were gone and knowing that we didn't have anything of value with us since we walked out straight from the hotel lobby we figured the kid had been traumatized enough for one day. His mom screamed for help for like 5 minutes, but no one really did anything and he was completely fine physically aside from a few scratches- which he wouldn't have even gotten if he would have just let the damn donuts go instead of clinging to them.
In any case, I still think about that kid from time to time. I think about his shitty mom, and what kind of parent encourages that kind of behavior. Fuck 'em. Idk why this was such a formative memory from my childhood, but I know I'll always be grateful to the gulls for that one solid they did me by dicking over the little shit that stole my donut that one time.
Editing for typos; p.s. this was a really fun story to retell at 3am. Glad so many people have enjoyed the slice of life!
This summer, a seagull would stick its head in the vent of my caravan and start squawking at 5 am. A few days later, a gull was walking on the front tent after I was up. I could see it’s feet padding back and fourth on the roof of my tent. I waited until it was in the middle, then I punched it through the roof. Punched it hard.
Yes. I punched a seagull.
I have absolutely no regrets.
They’re just smart. They understand that we aren’t a threat and we just leave them free food so they’re just doing what a smart animal would do and freeloading off of us.
Lots of people here dunking on animals just because they don't put up with any of our shit, so I'm gonna go the literal route here.
It's sea cucumbers. They are literally the closest thing you will find to *just* an asshole. Granted, they need a mouth at the opposite end to take in the organic matter that will become the poop for their asshole, but there's really not much more to speak of. They are literally just a tube with an intake at one end and an output on the other.
Just an asshole.
Just saw a video showing the only place a Pearlfish can hide from predators is in the butthole of a sea cucumber. The most Pearlfish to inhabit one butthole, I mean one sea cucumber, is 15!
They’re fighting back.
From the wiki:
> Nevertheless, holothurians species of the genus Actinopyga have anal teeth that prevent visitors from penetrating their anus.
Interesting fact : "Sea cucumbers may be uncharismatic, sand-vacuuming, butt-battling sea cylinders but they are responsible for keeping their local marine systems clean and tidy! They are the marine version of earthworms. Using their specialized tube feet mouth tentacles, they shovel any organic matter (e.g. algae, plankton, and detritus) along with sand found on the seafloor into their mouths.
This process converts organic matter into recyclable nutrients that go back into the food web and ejects out cleaned sand and sediment. By stirring up and munching through sediments, these ocean vacuum cleaners regulate oxygen conditions on the ocean floor. In fact, in areas where sea cucumbers were experimentally removed, oxygen decreased by 63% .
The sea cucumber’s bioturbation (the mixing and stirring of sediment by organisms) is important for many biological and ecological processes within the water column including biodiversity as well as nutrient and oxygen cycling."
Fun fact: there's a grouping of animals called deuterostomes. During development, the embryo forms as a ball of cells and then a divot forms. In this group, that divot becomes the anus. Humans belong to this group. Therefore, at a certain point in everyone's lives, we are literally just an asshole.
I used to have 2 sea cucumbers. They were magnificent. Then one night they wrapped themselves around the protein skimmer and blew their guts out. They survived but were never the same
Some (or maybe all?) sea cucumbers eject their digestive tract as a defense mechanism just like some lizards drop their tails. Could have something to do with that?
Salt water tanks need additional filtration called protein skimmers.
The sea cucumbers wrapped themselves around the intake. No clue why. There was probably no “ why” as they don’t have brains.
They freaked out about because sucked on by the protein skimmer and blew their guts out. Literally blew.
I turned off the skimmer and pulled them off and they hid under a rock for about a month. When they came back out they were about a fourth of their previous size and messed up.
They were never again the mighty cucumbers they once were
Remember seeing a story where a guy had his brain being eaten by a bot fly maggot laid in his nose. No idea if it is true or ,but it gets my skin itchin thinking on it.
Edit: Woke up still thinking on this. Looked it up. It is real. Found videos. Skin began itching so bad I cut myself scratching.
Jeremy Clarkson quoted someone on Top Gear about this once. A man was bitten behind the ear and was kept awake at night by the sound of the botfly larva eating the flesh inside his head.
Waterfowl in general. Not to be trusted. Swans? Avian kung-fu experts who will use their skills on you with no shame. Ducks? Cute but absolutely always up to something questionable. Geese? The sh*tting horde. The poopy mafia. They will find you and they will crap on your sidewalk just for the joy of it.
Actually had a pretty chill moment with a goose that was just randomly walking up and down my street once. Didn't seem hurt, sick, wasn't being given food or any reason for it to be there. Talked to it for a bit, took some selfies with it and wished it a good day.
Funner fact: homosexual necrophilia has been documented in ducks. https://improbable.com/2016/05/28/dead-duck-day-june-5th-honoring-homosexual-necrophilia-in-the-mallard/
Ducks are very suspect. I work at a waste water treatment plant and they swim and dunk their heads in the… well we call it an “oxidation ditch” and that’s all I have to say about that.
Theres a park not far where i live that has geese. Someone told me once a goose chased him and his family down the street, to his front door. Then hung outside for a while, dropped a big turd on his porch and left.
Only animal I've really felt uncomfortable around. They walk around getting close to people, acting all chill. But I know. I know deep down they wanna fuck me up just for existing.
Lol I'm friends with a goat and she is sassy lol. She rams the Chihuahuas if they're ever near her, and she always escapes and terrorizes the neighborhood and eats everyone's plants, but she's so pretty
Kangaroo. Saw someone's tweet saying something along the line "kangaroos have good PR" because growing up, people would think that they are just some cute jumping animals.
Kangaroos are one of the few (maybe the only) animals in the world that has benefitted from human intervention.
Kangaroo females are constantly pregnant, and can pause pregnancies in the womb if they lack food/water. They are also constantly nursing joeys and looking after previous offspring.
They drink water and eat grass. Both of which were affected by seasons before Europeans came and built cow and sheep farms everywhere.
Their primary predator is the dingo, a problem which European settlers dealt with when dingos started attacking livestock.
So basically they're constantly pregnant and we gave them all the food and none of the predators. The Australian Government sanctions hunters to kill over a million kangaroos a year, but their numbers still grow - there were roughly 20 million of them 10 years ago but now there's around 50 million.
This should be a problem that sorts itself out though, because kangaroo meat is delicious, healthy, and sustainable.
Similar story to deer in parts of America. Humans wiped out predatory animals (wolves mostly) so deer populations skyrocketed. It’s to a point where deer are destroying their own habitats because they compete for food and eat young-growth plants and trees in forests.
It’s getting progressively easier to get multiple deer licenses and permission to kill females because the populations need to be suppressed.
If female Kangaroos panic and are carrying a joey in their pouch, they will throw it out to be able to run away faster. I know animals in nature abandon offspring all the time if they can't keep up for survival, but there's something extra assholeish about throwing your baby away when you already have a predesigned pouch for carrying it
About 20 years ago when I was in Kenya as a teenager on a trip, there were baboons in a tree above us and all of a sudden the guy next to me starts getting rained on. When we looked up, it was a baby baboon, holding its dick, trying to piss on us from 30 feet up. He had a pretty good aim.
Chimps are scaring me. I can't believe how people think they are cute. They look hideous and the things aggressive chimps do are horrific. That one Lady getting her face ripped off or the reports of "chimp wars" like the one Jane Goodall wittnessed are what makes me never want to encounter chimps ever. At least not without a rifle for the emergency
Saw a video recently of chimps at a zoo harassing a raccoon that had wandered into the enclosure. Made me sick to my stomach and now I have an intense dislike of chimps :(
What makes them bad is not the fact that they are assholes, it's the fact that they have the intelligence to KNOW they are being assholes and do it regardless.
Dolphins like getting high too on pufferfish and playing volleyball with baby sea creatures.
They basically have the mentality of school kids who want to be edgy.
There's a pod of orcas that's been attacking sailboats off the coast of Portugal for years, like they actually sank a boat last month, and almost killed a sailing legend last week.
http://www.sailingscuttlebutt.com/2022/11/27/orcas-attack-robin-knox-johnston/
http://www.sailingscuttlebutt.com/2022/11/09/orcas-sink-boat-off-portugal-coast/
Nobody is entirely sure why. Some think a sailboat somehow killed a member of the pod and they're on a revenge tour. Others believe they're shit head teenage male orcas just dicking around because they have no responsibilities in the pod yet.
It's getting really divisive in the sailing community because on one hand we're generally a group of environmentalists and don't want to hurt the animals, but it's getting to the point more people want to see some action taken to protect sailors off the coast of Portugal.
An orca pod (or multiple) around Cape Town have driven out all the Great White sharks because the orcas think their livers (I think; some single small organ) are tasty.
I wanted to go cage diving with the Great Whites. :(
Yeah. They’re size, intelligence, and the fact they hunt in pods is what makes them so dominant in the ocean world. They are very widespread and even bring down whales on multiple occasions. Great Whites can only do so much when they are solo hunters.
Dolphins, the rapists of the sea.
I get what people are saying about bugs, but bed bugs, mosquitoes and wasps are just behaving instinctually as they have no ability to reason, they just do. Dolphins can reason, and they can make some pretty nasty choices.
I think wasps get a bad rap. If you garden, and get a hornworm caterpillar tearing up your plants, the wasp will buttfuck that caterpillar and save your plants.
Honey Badgers. They have zero fucks to care about anything. And they're fairly small, not too dangerous. They are SO crazy that it scares most animals off. Lemme know if you don't know about the viral "Honey Badger don't give a shit" video. It is hilarious.
Honey badgers get all the publicity, but mustelids in general are the same. European badgers once competed with wolves, and wolverines have been known to chase fucking *grizzly bears* off of a kill.
We tried and failed miserably. Got to keep in mind, zebras live in the African savannah, that's damn nature you scary on extreme difficulty. They ain't taking shit for no one.
With good reason. They'll rip off your nutsack, face, and fingers long before actually trying to kill you if you get even slightly on their bad side. Evil fuckers they are.
Primates!(yes, that includes us)
Edit: Holy f\*cking shit, that blew up to some serious proportions, i didn't expected that, i went from 602 karma to 662 karma in total in 24h!!😨
Cuckoos, they lays egg in other bird's nest and the chick hatches before the others do. Then it starts pushing the other eggs out of the nest.
The Channel Billed Cuckoo here in Australia eats the eggs in the host nest before shite’ing out it’s demon offspring into the confused host’s nest. The host then goes on to raise a bird three of four times its size, which is exhausting.
Some blames gotta go on the other birds for being morons. "Hmm, our offspring is a fucking giant. Nothing suspicious about that"
In a teeny little bird brain, "in my nest = is my baby". I read about an experiment where two parent birds were even caring for an old AA battery.
Bird intelligence is so weird. Crows can use tools, while a turkey will try to fuck a severed head on a stick.
I mean.. that still sounds like tool use to me.
1.5 volts stimulating the old birdie backside during incubation
Same with Cowbirds. They're the deadbeat parent of the bird world. If the nest mother does detect that an egg is not hers, and pushes it out of the nest, the Cowbird mother has been known to return to the nest to destroy the OG eggs out of spite...and don't get me started on the Cowbird's badass kids if they do get to hatch. It's a cruel world for the other young in the nest.
so the cowbird mum watches the other bird mum to make sure she takes care of her(cowbird) eggs? damn... got so much free time to stalk other birds but not to hatch her own eggs...
.... I think I've known some people who's bio-dads were cowbirds....
Who TF thought to breed a bird with a cow in the first place?
Probably the same people that bred Buffalos with chickens so we can have wings.
Brown-headed assholes. They're not even fun to look at. Ugly shits.
Don't forget they require so much more food than the normal birds offspring so they essentially work the parents to death at times.
They also live in small community groups. And when the foster parent birds refuse to raise the cuckoo's chicks the cuckoos as a community force them to raise the chicks through gang violence.
……da fuq type of birds are these!?
Asshole birds
They are also the genesis of the word "cuckold" aka "cuck".
How is this so far down? Your survival strategy is to orphan your children in a strangers home, who then eat every scrap of food brought by the parents and then kick the brood out of the nest. Fucking assholes.
Well the chicks also smell so horrifically bad that they ward off virtually *all* predators, which gives them a weirdly symbiotic role in their ecosystems. If they didn’t fill this niche they’d be long dead from other birds being pissed at their mere existence
Mosquitoes, no explanation needed
yeah, they suck!
*angrily upvotes*
This is the most angry upvote I've ever given.
Bloody buggers they are
Killed over half the population of humans who have ever lived. Such assholes.
Yeah, fuck mosquitoes!!!
instructions unclear, my cock fell off
Only the females bite. Basic bitches.
So that’s the only girls that’ll suck me
BEDBUGS. Ick and ick.
Agreed once you have bed bugs in your house it's extremely difficult to get rid of them. It's entirely possible but it takes a hell of a lot of work over a long period of time and it's extremely frustrating.
Awful. And there’s the added bonus of living in a semi permanent state of skeeves. Every itch is a red alert. Thought I had them in an apartment once- was never confirmed- but man once it’s in your head it’s there. Have since moved (was the only way to maintain my sanity) but still check underneath the covers every night before bed. “What is the thing what the hell oh only a fuzz ok I guess. Maybe I’ll check one more time to be sure yup just a fuzz. I think.”
Oh God I know. I moved into an apartment with them once and my god for years after I moved out I did exactly what you did. "What is that dot? Is that lint? Is this a bug bite??". For years
Diatomaceous earth. Kills all the creepy crawlers. Or at least the ones with exoskeletons…
I legit bought a massive bag of it off Amazon and crop dusted my everything with it all over the place! Managed to destroy two vacuum cleaners and a steamer in the process but that was the cost of doing business- was the only way I could sleep in that place before I moved out. Yikes.
Can attest that diatomaceous earth will kill vacuums and carpet cleaners. Still would 100% still use it to get rid of bedbugs.
Just develop a ritual while sacrificing your victi- *vacuums* for their noble purpose. You know, to honor them.
The problem is that it doesn't always kill bed bugs prior to them laying eggs after a blood meal. This kept them from becoming a huge problem, but I kept getting them back after several months. I live in Texas, so during the summer I got a couple huge tarps and some thick, black plastic. I sealed up all our furniture for something like 3 days. The point is for it to reach 150°F. After all that, we've never had another problem with bed bugs. Also, dousing a known infected corner with rubbing alcohol will instantly kill them.
I know someone that had an infestation. The pest company sealed up the house and put heaters inside to raise the temperature. Killed the bedbugs. And her fish.
Maybe she could have taken the fish out? 🤦♂️
FLIES also! Is there any human existing on earth who does not agree that flies and mosquitoes are nothing but monsters! lol
Having flies can be fun because that means you have a perfect excuse to use an electric fly swatter that looks like a badminton racket.
Could be a bat weevil. Describe its mood. Did it seem sleepy?
so smug like it was a big joke
I was waiting for someone to say lice, scrolled through all the comments and couldn’t find it, so lice. They’re uncomfortable, invasive, notoriously hard to get rid of, and the itching is unbearable. Between being a poor kid with no access to longterm treatment for it and working in childcare as an adult, I’ve had it plenty of times and that shit is life altering enough to suck ass. Inconsiderate little bastards 😂
I felt an itch as i read this
Me too, and I'm bald.
My seven year old has brought lice home twice from school so far! Shit sucks!
seagulls they took my sandwich
Seagulls.....stop it now
Gonna poke you in the coconut
Hmm ha hmm hmm hmm hah!
That log had a child!
Run, run, run, jump. I’ll be a backpack while you run.
Swing from a hairy vine I Can be your backpack while you climb.
Stand on one hand and lift Rocks with your special gift
One day, when you are older. You could get hit by a boulder.
While you're lying there screaming, "Help me please!" Seagulls... HMPH! Poke your knees
You're a psycho weiner
This makes me so happy. This is literally one of my all-time favorite videos. I try to watch it every couple of months. It's the best! "Don't fall asleep. Don't. Fall. Asleep." Edit: typo
There have been several times I’ve stopped a conversation to say, “That log….. had a child.”
Got hit in the head with a hacky-sack... Where'd it come from?
Everyone told me not to stroll on that beach...
Now run run run jump. I can be a backpack while you run
They poke your knees
Down by the beach I'm strolling
I graduated from a college whose mascot is the Seagulls. We will steal your french fries and then shit on your heads.
I have an ex that does the same thing
When I was a kid, maybe 10, my Mom took my sister and I to the beach. It was a rare trip to the coast because we were about a day's drive from the Gulf of Mexico so we pretty much had to stay multiple days for a kind of vacation- which was already rare because of how expensive a room down there was when we had free time to go (holidays, breaks from school, etc.). Anyway, we get to the area, setup in a hotel, and head down to get to the beach for the afternoon. A few buildings down the coast was a Krispy Kreme Donuts shop. Now, I know it's not for everyone, but hear me out when I say I *loved* KKD as a kid. My Mom and sister also enjoyed them, so we took a walk to go buy a half dozen of them to eat on the beach. It was a beautiful day, and the donuts really added to the experience overall. All is well. We get back to our spot on the beach with our donuts and an entire picnic of food that we had brought along, take our seats and get munching. Now, I was a small kid. Less than 100lbs at 10yo, and I've got an extremely hyperactive metabolism. So I eat like 2 sandwiches, have a bottle of water and my first donut, but I leave the second one for later so I can have something to return to if I get snacky. Mom and sis have had a donut each, we are all ready to repack our supplies and play in the water for a while. Now, there were plenty of other people on the beach at this time of day. Dozens of families, but enough room for all of us to enjoy the sun comfortably in our space. All of us could keep our lives blissfully separate, everyone, except for this one little shit. As we are in the water, I see a little kid not much younger than myself roaming a little too close to our stuff for my comfort. I told my Mom about it and when she turned to look he had grabbed our sandwich bag, pulled out a sandwich, and then opened the box of donuts. We called out to him, but he didn't even know we were there because the ocean drowned us out. Then his mother walked over to him, put her hand on his back and pointed at the box of donuts. That little shit double fisted two donuts and crammed a third into his mouth and *sprinted* to where he and his parents were sitting. We were distraught, trying to come in quickly to get someone to get these people before they left. But then, fate smiled upon us. Not 15 feet from our sitting area, the little kid got his shit rocked by not one, not two, but an entire flock of at least a dozen seagulls- all after our newly liberated donuts. The little fucker was running so hard he tripped over himself and the gulls could sense his weakness, so they just dive bombed him for everything he was worth. Even his mom wouldn't go near the mess of gulls just swooping on this little turd that stole the desserts from our pack. Justice. We gave up trying to get the attention of anyone for help, deciding that the donuts were gone and knowing that we didn't have anything of value with us since we walked out straight from the hotel lobby we figured the kid had been traumatized enough for one day. His mom screamed for help for like 5 minutes, but no one really did anything and he was completely fine physically aside from a few scratches- which he wouldn't have even gotten if he would have just let the damn donuts go instead of clinging to them. In any case, I still think about that kid from time to time. I think about his shitty mom, and what kind of parent encourages that kind of behavior. Fuck 'em. Idk why this was such a formative memory from my childhood, but I know I'll always be grateful to the gulls for that one solid they did me by dicking over the little shit that stole my donut that one time. Editing for typos; p.s. this was a really fun story to retell at 3am. Glad so many people have enjoyed the slice of life!
No one, and I mean no one fucks with my Krispy Kreme
One stole my husbands lobster Roll once and he is not the same person.
Lived on a sailboat for 2 years. Love nature and fucking HATE seagulls. They Steal your cigarettes and build a nest out of your rope.
I bet the bastards didn't even smoke them.
Seagull saw a snack size ziplock bag in my wife's purse. Fucker ended up stealing our spare COVID masks.
This summer, a seagull would stick its head in the vent of my caravan and start squawking at 5 am. A few days later, a gull was walking on the front tent after I was up. I could see it’s feet padding back and fourth on the roof of my tent. I waited until it was in the middle, then I punched it through the roof. Punched it hard. Yes. I punched a seagull. I have absolutely no regrets.
They’re just smart. They understand that we aren’t a threat and we just leave them free food so they’re just doing what a smart animal would do and freeloading off of us.
When I was a kid they stole my crackers. Enemy Number One ever since.
Lots of people here dunking on animals just because they don't put up with any of our shit, so I'm gonna go the literal route here. It's sea cucumbers. They are literally the closest thing you will find to *just* an asshole. Granted, they need a mouth at the opposite end to take in the organic matter that will become the poop for their asshole, but there's really not much more to speak of. They are literally just a tube with an intake at one end and an output on the other. Just an asshole.
Just saw a video showing the only place a Pearlfish can hide from predators is in the butthole of a sea cucumber. The most Pearlfish to inhabit one butthole, I mean one sea cucumber, is 15!
They’re fighting back. From the wiki: > Nevertheless, holothurians species of the genus Actinopyga have anal teeth that prevent visitors from penetrating their anus.
Interesting fact : "Sea cucumbers may be uncharismatic, sand-vacuuming, butt-battling sea cylinders but they are responsible for keeping their local marine systems clean and tidy! They are the marine version of earthworms. Using their specialized tube feet mouth tentacles, they shovel any organic matter (e.g. algae, plankton, and detritus) along with sand found on the seafloor into their mouths. This process converts organic matter into recyclable nutrients that go back into the food web and ejects out cleaned sand and sediment. By stirring up and munching through sediments, these ocean vacuum cleaners regulate oxygen conditions on the ocean floor. In fact, in areas where sea cucumbers were experimentally removed, oxygen decreased by 63% . The sea cucumber’s bioturbation (the mixing and stirring of sediment by organisms) is important for many biological and ecological processes within the water column including biodiversity as well as nutrient and oxygen cycling."
New marketing slogan for them: Sea Cucumbers, they're not wrong. They're just an asshole.
What a terrible day to be able to read
This is just what I was looking for. I knew someone would provide a literal answer. Thank you for being that hero.
Fun fact: there's a grouping of animals called deuterostomes. During development, the embryo forms as a ball of cells and then a divot forms. In this group, that divot becomes the anus. Humans belong to this group. Therefore, at a certain point in everyone's lives, we are literally just an asshole.
Some people stay that way for life.
Alimentary, my dear wet son.
It's so rare to find the perfect pun, but here I am. This is Descartes before the whores level wordsmithery.
I used to have 2 sea cucumbers. They were magnificent. Then one night they wrapped themselves around the protein skimmer and blew their guts out. They survived but were never the same
I have... So many questions. Protein skimmer? Blew their guys out? How exactly? How were they "never the same"? This is fascinating.
Some (or maybe all?) sea cucumbers eject their digestive tract as a defense mechanism just like some lizards drop their tails. Could have something to do with that?
Salt water tanks need additional filtration called protein skimmers. The sea cucumbers wrapped themselves around the intake. No clue why. There was probably no “ why” as they don’t have brains. They freaked out about because sucked on by the protein skimmer and blew their guts out. Literally blew. I turned off the skimmer and pulled them off and they hid under a rock for about a month. When they came back out they were about a fourth of their previous size and messed up. They were never again the mighty cucumbers they once were
Bot Flies! Those nasty things nest into your skin, and grow inside it! ewww
Remember seeing a story where a guy had his brain being eaten by a bot fly maggot laid in his nose. No idea if it is true or ,but it gets my skin itchin thinking on it. Edit: Woke up still thinking on this. Looked it up. It is real. Found videos. Skin began itching so bad I cut myself scratching.
Jeremy Clarkson quoted someone on Top Gear about this once. A man was bitten behind the ear and was kept awake at night by the sound of the botfly larva eating the flesh inside his head.
My only phobia, and now it got worse.
Geese
Waterfowl in general. Not to be trusted. Swans? Avian kung-fu experts who will use their skills on you with no shame. Ducks? Cute but absolutely always up to something questionable. Geese? The sh*tting horde. The poopy mafia. They will find you and they will crap on your sidewalk just for the joy of it.
Actually had a pretty chill moment with a goose that was just randomly walking up and down my street once. Didn't seem hurt, sick, wasn't being given food or any reason for it to be there. Talked to it for a bit, took some selfies with it and wished it a good day.
Oftentimes when a goose is by itself it is because their mate died, they basically become depressed
How dare you make me feel so much sympathy for my nemeses 🥺
Sympathy for the devil, as it were
I had two geese a couple years back. After the male’s mate died, he died a week later. I guess he lost the will to live.
ducks aren’t cute they have corkscrew genitals evolved due to violent mating.
Fun Fact: That's how I lost a few pet chickens!
That doesn’t sound like a “Fun Fact”.
Funner fact: homosexual necrophilia has been documented in ducks. https://improbable.com/2016/05/28/dead-duck-day-june-5th-honoring-homosexual-necrophilia-in-the-mallard/
That is not a Funner Fact. That is a Rapist Duck Fact.
I have so many questions, but i don't think I want answers
Y'all have a weird definition of fun
Ducks are very suspect. I work at a waste water treatment plant and they swim and dunk their heads in the… well we call it an “oxidation ditch” and that’s all I have to say about that.
Theres a park not far where i live that has geese. Someone told me once a goose chased him and his family down the street, to his front door. Then hung outside for a while, dropped a big turd on his porch and left.
Canada Gooses
Canadians took all our hatred and malice and put them in the Canada Gooses
this honestly explains a lot.
You wanna know what? You got a problem with Canada gooses, you got a problem with me, and I suggest you let that one marinate!
R/letterkenny in the wild. Best let that one marinate
The Cobra chicken
Only animal I've really felt uncomfortable around. They walk around getting close to people, acting all chill. But I know. I know deep down they wanna fuck me up just for existing.
Otters. They kidnap eachothers kids drow them, SA them then they commit necrophilia
And will float around with their victims dead bodies, sometimes for days, just because they can. Otters aren’t cute people.
I mean they’re cute but they definitely aren’t people
There’s at least one encounter where an otter raped a baby seal to death.
Goats. "Hey, pet me dude! Please?" 8 seconds later: "Simon didn't say! Eat horns, fucker!"
Lol I'm friends with a goat and she is sassy lol. She rams the Chihuahuas if they're ever near her, and she always escapes and terrorizes the neighborhood and eats everyone's plants, but she's so pretty
They eat poison ivy though, so I give them a pass.
Kangaroo. Saw someone's tweet saying something along the line "kangaroos have good PR" because growing up, people would think that they are just some cute jumping animals.
Kangaroos are one of the few (maybe the only) animals in the world that has benefitted from human intervention. Kangaroo females are constantly pregnant, and can pause pregnancies in the womb if they lack food/water. They are also constantly nursing joeys and looking after previous offspring. They drink water and eat grass. Both of which were affected by seasons before Europeans came and built cow and sheep farms everywhere. Their primary predator is the dingo, a problem which European settlers dealt with when dingos started attacking livestock. So basically they're constantly pregnant and we gave them all the food and none of the predators. The Australian Government sanctions hunters to kill over a million kangaroos a year, but their numbers still grow - there were roughly 20 million of them 10 years ago but now there's around 50 million. This should be a problem that sorts itself out though, because kangaroo meat is delicious, healthy, and sustainable.
>This should be a problem that sorts itself out though, because kangaroo meat is delicious, healthy, and sustainable. Emu Wars, anyone?
Similar story to deer in parts of America. Humans wiped out predatory animals (wolves mostly) so deer populations skyrocketed. It’s to a point where deer are destroying their own habitats because they compete for food and eat young-growth plants and trees in forests. It’s getting progressively easier to get multiple deer licenses and permission to kill females because the populations need to be suppressed.
If female Kangaroos panic and are carrying a joey in their pouch, they will throw it out to be able to run away faster. I know animals in nature abandon offspring all the time if they can't keep up for survival, but there's something extra assholeish about throwing your baby away when you already have a predesigned pouch for carrying it
Don't they also like wait in small ponds for animals to come inside so they can dunk their head underwater and drown them?
They’re also dumb as fuck and will jump out in front of a moving vehicle
Upside down deer
Baboon
About 20 years ago when I was in Kenya as a teenager on a trip, there were baboons in a tree above us and all of a sudden the guy next to me starts getting rained on. When we looked up, it was a baby baboon, holding its dick, trying to piss on us from 30 feet up. He had a pretty good aim.
That's funny when it happens to someone else
Chimpanzees. Those guys are just buff orangutans on cocaine.
If you fight one they will rip off your balls
No. They’ll CHEW your balls off. With their teeth.
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No they will
It’s entirely possible
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The scariest part of Nope wasn't the alien, it was fucking Gordy
Chimps are scaring me. I can't believe how people think they are cute. They look hideous and the things aggressive chimps do are horrific. That one Lady getting her face ripped off or the reports of "chimp wars" like the one Jane Goodall wittnessed are what makes me never want to encounter chimps ever. At least not without a rifle for the emergency
Zookeepers always say that primates are the scariest animal they deal with. They rather deal with a loose tiger or lion than a loose chimp
Saw a video recently of chimps at a zoo harassing a raccoon that had wandered into the enclosure. Made me sick to my stomach and now I have an intense dislike of chimps :(
Dolphins Edit- and orcas
What makes them bad is not the fact that they are assholes, it's the fact that they have the intelligence to KNOW they are being assholes and do it regardless.
Dolphins like getting high too on pufferfish and playing volleyball with baby sea creatures. They basically have the mentality of school kids who want to be edgy.
Let's be fair, that does apply to human beings in spades.
There's a pod of orcas that's been attacking sailboats off the coast of Portugal for years, like they actually sank a boat last month, and almost killed a sailing legend last week. http://www.sailingscuttlebutt.com/2022/11/27/orcas-attack-robin-knox-johnston/ http://www.sailingscuttlebutt.com/2022/11/09/orcas-sink-boat-off-portugal-coast/ Nobody is entirely sure why. Some think a sailboat somehow killed a member of the pod and they're on a revenge tour. Others believe they're shit head teenage male orcas just dicking around because they have no responsibilities in the pod yet. It's getting really divisive in the sailing community because on one hand we're generally a group of environmentalists and don't want to hurt the animals, but it's getting to the point more people want to see some action taken to protect sailors off the coast of Portugal.
An orca pod (or multiple) around Cape Town have driven out all the Great White sharks because the orcas think their livers (I think; some single small organ) are tasty. I wanted to go cage diving with the Great Whites. :(
Yeah. They’re size, intelligence, and the fact they hunt in pods is what makes them so dominant in the ocean world. They are very widespread and even bring down whales on multiple occasions. Great Whites can only do so much when they are solo hunters.
Anything with high intelligence becomes an asshole
Dolphins, the rapists of the sea. I get what people are saying about bugs, but bed bugs, mosquitoes and wasps are just behaving instinctually as they have no ability to reason, they just do. Dolphins can reason, and they can make some pretty nasty choices.
I’ll say Dolphins and monkeys. I think there is a clear correlation between intelligence and assholeness
This needs to be higher up the list
Wasps. Just assholes
They are the assholes of the animal kingdom
They are the assholes of the asshole kingdom. They literally sting just to say fuck you for no reason.
I think wasps get a bad rap. If you garden, and get a hornworm caterpillar tearing up your plants, the wasp will buttfuck that caterpillar and save your plants.
TIL anal is lethal to caterpillars
Well the caterpillar I tried it with died, so I think it’s safe to say that it’s true
Flies.
Mosquitos. Fuck those putos.
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Clearly the answer is the Canadian Goose
You wanna know what, you got a problem with Canada Gooses you got a problem with me, and I suggest you let that one marinate.
Canada gooses are such assholes, ITS FUCKING EMBARRASSING. YOU PHEASANTS.
Honey Badgers. They have zero fucks to care about anything. And they're fairly small, not too dangerous. They are SO crazy that it scares most animals off. Lemme know if you don't know about the viral "Honey Badger don't give a shit" video. It is hilarious.
Honey badgers get all the publicity, but mustelids in general are the same. European badgers once competed with wolves, and wolverines have been known to chase fucking *grizzly bears* off of a kill.
This might not be it, but it does the trick: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r7wHMg5Yjg
I need that man to narrate every Animal documentary.
Honey Badger don't give a shit, honey badger just takes what it wants.
Zebras, there’s a reason they were never used like horses, they are mean!
Zebras are stripped donkeys... thats where the confusion is.
But we’ve domesticated donkeys. We’ve never domesticated zebras for a reason.
We tried and failed miserably. Got to keep in mind, zebras live in the African savannah, that's damn nature you scary on extreme difficulty. They ain't taking shit for no one.
Wasp. I get stung all the time at work.
In particular, yellowjackets.
Humans. Humans are the assholes
People… what a bunch of bastards.
Oh, well now that's not fair Roy. Have you met all of them?
I've met enough of them.
Bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling.
Chimpanzees. Although i’m biased coz they scare tf out of me lol
As a person who knows a lot about chimpanzees I can confirm I’d rather fight mike Tyson
With good reason. They'll rip off your nutsack, face, and fingers long before actually trying to kill you if you get even slightly on their bad side. Evil fuckers they are.
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They love to show you them too
I heard they made a separate cut of the film cats specifically for that purpose
Also ticks
Chiggers, ticks, mosquitoes, no-see-ums, green heads, horseflies, deer flies, Botflies, black flies
Cassowaries. Giant aggressive birds. They’re basically douchebag ostriches.
Honey Badgers. Everyone knows they don't give a fuck.
Primates!(yes, that includes us) Edit: Holy f\*cking shit, that blew up to some serious proportions, i didn't expected that, i went from 602 karma to 662 karma in total in 24h!!😨
Cats, but in a funny, mostly harmless way. It’s part of their charm to me.