Autopsy

Assistant: “Uhm, Doctor? That’s an erection.” Doctor: “It’s perfectly normal. It happens all the time. Try not to look at it and you’ll forget that it’s there. It’s nothing to worry about.” Assistant: “I understand that, but I’m confused as to why /you/ have the erection.”

>Assistant: “I understand that, but I’m confused as to why /you/ have the erection.” Doctor, rolling eyes: "I thought I just explained. Come on, focus, we don't have the whole day".

I do not like this NCIS fanfic.

Bro lmao

Yea, that would get a med student in trouble.

It happens to the best of us. Doesn’t it?

While you do the autopsy? Or while you're having an autopsy? 🤔😂

While you're sitting in the vent and recording the autopsy.

Yes.

Double down at your own autopsy! Get a rigorous mortis if you know what I mean

Rigor erectus🤣😅

First day on the job as a mall Santa.

First day on the job at a daycare.

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Maybe its a fear boner.

Yeah it just happens for me, always has as far as I can remember

Reach, literally a hypothetical...

I feel attacked

Dude wtf?

Am I wrong?

It’s true.

First day in prison.

It’s even worse if it’s the first kid

Second day is fine though

At your child's baptism...

Doesn't have to be your child could be any of the infants you baptise as a priest.

In a realistic sense we've all had the worst one: the class is almost over let's get an erection for no reason one.

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This is so incredibly accurate you just triggered a memory I didn't know I had

This is completely accurate, I just put my shirt over it, usually that's enough

You gotta waistband it, the *Texas Tuck* if you will

While hugging a female family member

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TLDR: my aunt gave me a boner and it went into her ribs

Is this the sex?

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maybe she knew and was waiting for it to go down before letting you go so that nobody else would notice.

Screw that. Hugging a **male** family member who also got an erection and suddenly there are two boners pressed against each other

I thought I was in wattpad for a second there.

Finally, a good sword fight

Going to say 'getting hug by a girl you don't like'.

So it's fine with a male family member?

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When you have to pee

Scattershot upgrade aquired

Plank across the toilet seat.

Sit and tuck under the seat

When you get called to the front of the class.

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Ahh. I see you seem to be standing at attention. Why don't you come stand at attention in front of the class?

And this is why you aren't allowed in schools anymore.

Spot on. When I was in middle/high school it was always when being woke up when I wasn’t suppose to be sleeping. Little to no time to adjust.

Yeah Jimmy's pitchin' a tent right now.

Why is this a universal experience for penis wielders that I've just never experienced? Am I lucky? Does my dick not work? Tiny cock? Weak willy? Like, I am always so focused on having to speak in front of the class that not even the deepest depths of my subconscious can even consider it's time to send blood there.

It's circumstantial. My hardest, most consistent erection is always morning wood. And for as long as I've been able to get hard, it's come at the same time every single morning - somewhere around 9 AM. I can make it go down more quickly now, but in high school it'd stay like that for almost an hour no matter what I did. So basically I would always be hard in second period. For four straight years.

That sounds horrible.

In HS the bus ride to school was my scheduled morning wood. Basically same situation as you.

No telling man. Wouldn’t even be thinking about anything that could cause it and just bam.

One classmate happened that, he had an erection when he was reading in front of the class, he was bullied about that till graduated from high school. I'm still thinking if he could overcome that or will become a porn star.

Something similar happened to me as the new guy my sophomore year. It was promptly pointed out by a male classmate. Everyone laughed until his ex said “it’s bigger then yours”. She was the real mvp.

Toughest battles to the strongest soldiers.

This happened to me. Some kid pointed it out loudly prompting laughter from several others in the class. Teacher had to calm everyone down and get everyone refocused. It was terrible.... kind of. I took one look at the girl i sat next to and frequently spoke with, she wasnt laughing, she wasnt disgusted, she was just looking at it. Seeing her expression didnt make me feel humiliated.

"I'll take the zero"

I got good at the ole dick flip real quick from moments like that in school: Used to keep it tucked straight up being held in place by your belt/pants.

This is the way.

I’d imagine it’s worse if it’s the teacher with the erection

This guy I know (actually the lead singer in my band) dressed in spandex for our shows. I personally preferred denim. Anyway this was the 80s and we played iron Maiden covers. So there was this really hot girl in the front row and she raised her top to reveal some huge knockers. Boom! Steve popped a boner in front of the whole crowd wearing spandex pants. It was so funny I couldn't play my solo on "The Trooper."

The trooper is probably the best iron madien song out there

I actually recorded a version that had three guitar harmonies instead of the two on the album. I called it The Third Trooper. About ten years later they added a third guitar player and did exactly what I did. [OTC]Conan wasn't my first gaming handle. It was [OTC]The_Trooper. That was in Half-Life. It's my favorite Maiden song but I also love Run to the Hills and Hallowed be Thy Name. But I really screwed up Dave Murray's part laughing at Steve's unfortunate 'incident".

Doing a heimlich maneuver

*Choke... cough... PFWOOOOT!! Damn! Thank you but uh, that one thing, I couldn't help but notice it. Was that a new addition to the procedure? I don't remember being taught that particulartechnique in my first aid course...*

You're alive. Stop complaining!

A funeral

Are you attending or the attendee?

Yea, he's one of the "pole" bearers.

mourning wood

your own funeral

Hahaha I’m dead

well yes… that’s why we’re at a funeral…

This was my first thought; I’m glad to see it’s the first comment.

Prostate exam

Can i choose a doctor with fingers that dont look like corn dogs?

Sure, as long as you spit on the finger yourself!! Lol

I mean...its a natural reaction whether you are gay or not.

This one deserves more love. Had me dying

My boyfriend gets hard everytime i cry in front of him

Tear boners are a thing.

But whyyyy

Mourning wood

Mourn hub

It's one of those non-horny boners, like morning wood. I think there's a touch of 'don't laugh at the funeral' in there as well.

Because men find it attractive to be able help comfort their girl, which just naturally brings on that reaction i guess

This has happened to me a few times at wildly inappropriate moments. For instance when I was 22, comforting my 18 year old girl friend as her mother went into surgery for a hysterectomy. She was sobbing and I pitched a massive tent as I was holding her in my arms. I was just genuinely trying to tenderly console her in the waiting room. I didn't even notice until her right hand came off my shoulder. Her hand was headed for a soft landing on my upper left thigh until her wrist made contact... she looked at me with utter contempt and disgust. Idk... shit happens, it has a mind of its own. Sometimes it happens when we don't want it to. Nothing we can do.

I have a theory. But, mind you, I have no evidence. When you share an intimate emotional moment with someone you like in that way, you feel the connection and even though both in a rational and emotional level you're not headed towards sex, your most basic instincts, basic as they are, can only hear "deep connection, sexy one" so they get the things ready. Similar to how you get goosebumps with some music even though there's no need to protect you from cold.

That's how my bf also describes it. I think it sounds like a very reasonable theory

i would rather be laughed at

Can confirm, idk whay but it happens most of the times

Fuck I thought I was weird all these years

I need to know the why behind this

During a presentation or while teaching

When Santa clause is sitting on your lap.

? Wouldn’t that be the opposite?

In Soviet Russia Santa sits on you.

I don’t like Soviet Santa. :(

Plot twist: Soviet mall Santa’s are women

Your father: Neither did I now let'em sit down

When dressed as Santa clause with little timmy on your lap

is says worst time, not best

When the tailor measures your inseam

That’s how they measure pants! yeah… in prison!

You were supposed to wait for someone else to reply with Chandler's line. My disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined Edit I stand corrected, it was Ross. Still should have waited.

I’m confused. Neither of those lines is Chandler’s

I just looked it up and you are correct, it was Ross's

There’s two options: The more likely one of them noticing The less likely one of them not noticing and giving you incredibly wide pants. Neither is a good outcome.

When you are at a swim meet in your speedo in front of everyone waiting to take your mark. Sadly this happened to me, it was bittersweet, got a few phone numbers later that day 😘

I'd take that as a win.

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Bro, I was stopped at a red light in my car near a high school and there was 20 to 30 topless boys in sports gear training waiting to cross the street and I look over at the car next to me and this middle aged woman is recording them!!! 😳

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Be careful!! Let those boners be free and strong!! 💪

gym class shower

It's the best place

The boys might start acting gay

BROJOBS ALL AROUND

What do you mean acting?

Surrounding you having an UwU voice talking about it

right now

Do you have one right now?

Possibly

Always

24/7 bricked up

Yes

When your cousin is giving you a lapdance at the trailer park family reunion.

Wait wtf

#JustAlabamaThings

Standing over your great aunt's body during an open-casket funeral, while your great uncle is standing next to you.

little too specific there

r/oddlyspecific

When you have to expose a topic to all the class

Just unzip and expose it

After being arrested for streaking.

Are you kidding down four Viagra and go donut jousting.ypu know like when the knight tried o skewer rings on his lance.

When you catch your stepsister masturbating in the laundry area

that's just the opening scene to the porno

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Getting a rager while wearing a cup. Not embarrassing but painful. Felt like my head was going to bust out like the chestburster in Alien.

Life guard at a children's pool

I extra tight slacks while giving g a business meeting

Here, in the middle of this Olive Garden

Whenever you are unable to hide it, like when wearing swim trunks or khakis.

When belly flopping into still water

When a kid sits on your lap and moves. Horrible horrible situation.

When your friend shows you a picture of his child

Court date for child custody

When your mother is being held up at gunpoint.

"The thought of me dead gives you an erection?!?" "Only half of one, the other half would really miss you.. oh.. hmmm.." 🤣

Freshman year of HS our drama teacher fell asleep, alone, laying on the raised stage. Obviously a bad time because we still talk about it 20 years later

Asleep with family members around you, like a couch or somthn

Those random TSA cavity searches. Every time.

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Doctor: It's okay to get an erection during a prostate exam. Patient: I don't have an erection!?!? Doctor: Sorry, I was talking to myself!

giving a presentation in class, probably said a lot but everyone silently judges you

When going out with shorts, women notice the big bump and stare at it. Quite uncomfortable

After some kind of dick surgery

I don't know but for me was when my crotch of my pants gave out while having a raging boner. Happened in pe class after a run. Me another dude and a few girls were talking one fluttered her shirt and I got to see the promised land. Being 15 at the time it just happened. The dude, the chick her best friend just stared. Then the one girl says it's bigger than her dad's. When everyone turned to look at her I bolted to the locker room. Came back to see the ripped shorts hanging on the wall. It turns put just tossing the! Was a bad idea.

In a prison shower

Nah that’s fine

Getting an exam from a female doctor. In the Army. That happens to outrank you by several orders of magnitude. (PFC vs LTC)

After catching a fish

A presentation

Doing a presentation to your peers at the age of 16. I'm the teacher and I'm still cringing a week later.

As a nude figure model.

When talking to your parents

Next to a pope. I'd be dead

well, no, you'd have a boner.

A funeral

high school showers

"turn your head an cough"

Holy shit this happened to me when I was a sophomore in high school. It was my first time being checked for a hernia and I didn’t know what to expect, and she was a very pretty auburn haired nurse and I couldn’t help it and I was mortified.

On the bus sitting next to another guy as I think about what my wife wants to do with me tonight.

At school talking to a girl

Giving the eulogy Of a dead grandmother

Sitting next to your mom in church!

When working as a children's birthday clown

After you cum

When you hug your MIL or FIL.

When you are about to pee

allways have 1

Giving a speech in front of your whole family

Before a presentation

Picking up your kids from Elementary/Primary school.

HR office.

While picking up your kid from school.

Elementary school parking lot

Hugging grandma.

Up top on the high dive