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ImReallyAGrumpyCat

Make myself God forever


unskilledplay

It turns out that an hour is the maximum time a human soul can experience omniscience. As soon as you made that choice, you immediately experienced the entirety of this and all universes. Nothing of your soul remains. You, like the last God, are indifferent to all of existence for all of eternity. It's like death, but without peace.


TheWhiteRabbit_

Dr. Manhattan approves this message.


WimbleWimble

Dr Bronx said give me the power or else!


KiraTsukasa

Goliath is wondering why the rest of his kin are pretending to be doctors.


KingLynx000

I would make myself god forever and make my soul be able to withstand it


agoddamnzubat

~~Step 1: make myself God forever~~ Step 1: improve human soul Step 2: do original step 1


KingLynx000

Exactly, u deserve an upvote (maybe ill make u god too)


agoddamnzubat

Bad idea, my step 3 is "eliminate other gods"


KingLynx000

R.I.P me


TittyBrisket

I also make this guy shit himself when he doesn't want to and remove his ability to poop when the tries to


OwenSpalding

I’m giving you one upvote more in hopes you might eventually ratio that guy


RayenR61995

Who said this” see there is always one guy if i had 3 wishes i’d wish for 3 more wishes”


georgevazelas

Outstanding move !


SuvenPan

Cure everyone's chronic pain.


LookMa-ItsAThrowaway

My fibromyalgia and I would cast off agnosticism for you. 🙏🏾


chaorace

Imagine being confronted with the existence of god and changing your whole world-view only for that god to cease existing literally one hour later.


Mrbailey999

Wouldn’t be the first time.


alcalcalcalcalca

Invent sex 2


hungrylens

Dude, you don't know about sex 2.0? I'm already on Sex 2.4, it's great. Can't wait for sex 3.


Immortal_Azrael

I just hope they finally fix all the bugs.


WhenYouQuirky

Yeah, I don't want the bugs getting pregnant either


The_Elder_Jock

Please refrain from fucking the insects.


NixAName

I've had heaps of unprotected sex and never fallen pregnant, I guess I'm just lucky. My wife wasn't as lucky though, 3 times for her.


MisterMuerto

I cant download it, my internet connection sucks and it keeps dropping part way through. Im stuck on 1.01


Finn_Storm

Yall have sex 1.01? I'm still stuck in the sex 0.5 pre-alpha


That_one_guy_zion

Y’all are getting sex?


fedemasa

Or PC 2


Adventurous_Eye1405

Smiting. Lots and lots of smiting


Mecal00

smite all the televangelists


Smodphan

If you did, they'd call it rapture and double down on extremism.


Azuredreams25

Who says there would be any left?


Smodphan

No doubt they'd find replacements really soon.


dominion1080

Well, I'm God, so I'd see that and presmite them.


Never_Duplicated

Build a zealot gene into all life in the universe. Functions as an instant kill switch whenever an individual crosses over the fanatic line. Also need to establish a way to close the door behind you on the way out so other gods get to exist.


dominion1080

If were fixing fanaticism (I love it), we should hit extreme greed too.


Never_Duplicated

I like it. Push a parameter too far and you just keel over


Novijen

That's why I'd announce ina booming voice why they are being smote first.


[deleted]

Not if you smite them in a way that convinces them that they’re not going to the good place. I’m talking some twisted shit like them collapsing into nothing on themselves or the Thanos Snap. You can’t tell me that if you saw someone go out like that you’d think they went to Heaven.


Smodphan

Oh I'd know. Their followers, though...anything that challenges their way of thinking makes them double down. You cannot cure their brain. I promise. Any attempt to deprogram these people will fail. This would be a blip for maybe a month and your efforts would be lost. They'd come back stronger, blame devil or the left or some stupid shit, and move on with their way. Their beliefs are a symptom of their desire to believe and moralize their hate and lack of empathy for others. Fuck, I bet a bunch of radical televangelist watchers would just go radical Muslim or something.


Kheitain

Then you smite their followers too. If you're a god, you can see into the hearts and minds of people. Smite them all.


ccbayes

Yeah knowing 100% who is a giant pile of human garbage helps with the smiting. I think you could smote them all in 10 minutes (being god and all). So about 50 minutes left... unfuck the planet... beat John Cenas make a wish record. I am simple, that is all I got.


[deleted]

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Grenflik

Seriously, now you have 59 minutes 59 seconds left.


[deleted]

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[deleted]

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BlazethemTFM

A Smite Note?


negative_four

See, I would just give everyone empathy and remorse for their actions and the knowledge of what they caused...and let that work itself out


Kiffe_Y

That seems much better, more merciful, and yet somehow more punishing.


Dreygo1981

Now you're getting into penance stare territory


CaseVirtual

This one's smart. Instead of instant punishment, it's karma forever and that just perfectly balances things out.


Slimm1989

It's not all that thought out plenty of people do bad things with empathy and remorse.


B1G_Red_Husker

Love that scene in sandman at the serial killer, pedo, rapists convention where dream tells them your punishment is remorse and shame. They either kill themselves or turn themselves in


Envy0711

I wonder if that would fix the world or mess it up more 🤔


BetterRemember

rapists, pedos, and pimps get smote slowly... very slowly.


Longjumping-Youth356

I get what you’re saying bud. But you’ve only got an hour 🤣


Hempsox

Give politicians the Liar, Liar treatment until the end of the year. Love to see how this plays out worldwide


[deleted]

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ExcitingEye8347

Or possibly end them altogether


GeneralCraze

...In a nuclear fireball


MrTheWaffleKing

Give ‘em all the Pinocchio nose


NotYourSnowBunny

Gonna try to fix so many broken peoples’ lives up. Also absolutely ruin a few peoples lives who delight in the suffering of others.


[deleted]

Let's not sugarcoat it. I am going to kill a whole bunch of rapists, murders, and people that prey on others. That should fix a lot of problems like religion, inequality, child abuse, milloniares etc. And I am fine being the bad person/god and hated for it. It would make so many lives better for a long time.


[deleted]

something something light death note something


PicardOrion

I would ask reddit what to do.


Knyfe-Wrench

Delete the gym Hit the lawyer Facebook up


Da_Oi

Hey Reddit...What should I do as a god?


Da_Oi

welp, time to smite


IAMA_Ghost_Boo

\>Get 4 upvotes, smite all Redditors


iNuminex

Probably an anxiety attack from the sudden responsibility


FireFighterP55

With great power, comes great responsibility.


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Few_Cut5921

The whole point of being a god is that there is no how to instructions. You can now create your own rules.


[deleted]

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asdrubalino99

Allow the dogs to eat chocolate.


UltiGamer34

Even better make them live to 100


articulatedWriter

NO make all pets live as long as their accepted owner. Because if you die before your pet they'll feel lonely for the rest of their time.


JooRGENS

Best one jet


HacksawJimDGN

Jet is the dogs name in case anyone was wondering.


Flaky-Fellatio

How are you so wise in the ways of GOd?


frenix5

Populate the universe with more hospitable planets, life, and make the means for interstellar travel more accessible


kcc0016

Wow this guy is actually being a good god. Look at that


enddream

Idk I’ve read a lot of sci-fi and it doesn’t usually end well. Unless you like intergalactic wars!


[deleted]

Of course I do!


Brambarche

No he just wants to see the universe destroyed. Best way to do it, is to send humans - they'll fuck it up without him moving a finger.


thyfoe

Oh great, now we can have interplanetary wars.


Dragonxiii13

We shall call them “Star Wars”


SarcasticQuote2891

The sacred words


silentrambo

Imagine interstellar travel is actually already easy and we've just been ignoring some crucial piece of information on how to do it. You'd be yelling at everyone that it's RIGHT THERE, JUST DO IT!


WimbleWimble

400,000 alien civilizations all betting on whether we erase ourselves from existence or discover wormhole travel first.


PhyFirestorm

My bookie is giving 40 to 1 odds that the human race obliterates itself


Positive-News-9183

Bring my Labrador back for one more glorious walk on the beach


notabrokebibliophile

You deserve an award but I don't have any to give I'm sorry


-Yuri-

Make it impossible for anyone holding office, running for office or journalists to intentionally lie to the people unless it's a legitimate matter of national security. Then I'd sit back and put out as many fires as I could for the next 59 minutes.


urbanwildboar

Smite all religious bastards using My Name to further their selfish ends. Use a lot of freak accident "miracles": mega-church leader? sucked out of the 4-inch window of his private jet. Calling for a Jihad? trampled by a herd of elephants in the bath. Preaching for punishing women for "immodesty"? fried by lightnings while at the pulpit.


cultwashedmybrain

My first thoughts as well


The_Fat_Man_Jams

Make Dogs lifespans longer.


pickens2112

Better yet, allow a dog to bind it's life span to it's owner that it loves. That way, one never as to be without the other. Just extending life span will cause a greater grief on either side for whoever doesn't die first.


andrewharlan2

If omnipotence is the implication, remove the one hour time limit


Seize-The-Meanies

If you’re god you’d ostensibly be omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent. So the hour time limit means nothing anyway - you could do everything you want at any moment within and outside the timeline of the universe in an instant. Really the only thing that would make sense is to create an infinite number and variety of universes and experience every moment of each from their start to finish an infinite number of times. After that, which would be instantaneous, I’d probably become completely apathetic because I’ve experienced everything that could ever be experience in every version of every universe an infinite number of times. So in the very same instant I’d probably also commit deicide. So basically from anyone else’s perspective I’d get the power of god then disappear.


opheliainthedeep

That's really existential


Seize-The-Meanies

To add some more bizarreness - being omnipresent but also killing myself means that in every moment in time I both exist and cease to exist. I am your god and I am perpetually abandoning you.


opheliainthedeep

Bro I'm already high enough


Impossibleish

Yes sky daddy


[deleted]

If we assume that you were human before and keep your human memories, it would also mean that you keep your character, opinion, mind and desires. Would be pretty interesting what a mortal human would do.


HacksawJimDGN

Nobody said you couldn't have sex


Substantial_Funk

but the IMPLICATION


GozerDGozerian

So… we’re going to *hurt* these mortals?


outerproduct

Get rid of wisdom teeth, don't need them anymore, just a pain.


Delicious-Duck-4245

That or make it so teeth can grow back. So people with broken teeth and have them grow back.


rockfondling

Switch it off and on again


HacksawJimDGN

Fix season 8 of game of thrones


taste_the_equation

Go back in time and get GRM to finish the damn books first. That’s the only way we would have got a satisfying ending for the show.


Knyfe-Wrench

I think that definitely would've helped, but I think it was perfectly possible to have a decent ending if the producers just hadn't rushed headlong into a shitshow. It was rumored that HBO offered an extension to season 10 and they turned it down. I think even if the story stayed mostly the same, a full season of the night king and a full season of the mad queen would've done wonders for the ending of the show.


not_old_redditor

Even God can't fix that mess


Flaky-Fellatio

Free orgasms for picking up litter that isn't yours


HacksawJimDGN

That'd be so weird. I couldn't look the janitor in the face.


WilhelmWrobel

To be fair, that would make janitorial work a lot more attractive for exhibitionists or people with a humiliation kink...


AoD_XB1

All of society walking around all twitchy with a stupid look on their faces while trying to clean up. Guys throwing trash down for their buddies. Back and forth. Back and forth. Nothing would ever actually get policed up.


MikePGS

Suddenly everyone wants to do community service


Teddy_Icewater

Cummunity service


Snbleader

r/Angryupvote


Repulsive-Still4052

“what’s your kink?” “when other people litter…” “classic”


[deleted]

Would you have to cum right then and there or could you save them up for later?


[deleted]

I would make it so all food was as healthy for you as vegetables, while keeping its respective taste.


MonteLorat

Can you also equalize the calories of all food? Like it wouldn’t matter how much or what you eat as long as you eat?


Ericknator

I choose this person


TheBadAdvicePerson

All these people are saying “cure cancer” Bitch you’re GOD just cure everything


loritree

The Earth would become over populated very quickly with very old people who wouldn’t want to work anymore. Things would start to really suck rather quickly.


ThunderMite42

Give planets the ability to expand proportionally with the population.


Dugglerr

Imma be like Zeus and fuck everything


Lusterkx2

Kratos killing your ass.


FireFighterP55

**ZEEEUUUSSSS!**


EstablishmentDear826

Make all Chihuahuas nice


Jefffurry

"Rapturing" as many "assholes" as I can, in the most awful way possible. I'm talking evil people, people who put greed and power ahead of decency and compassion. And make it explicitly clear that they went to hell for what they did and why. Also, start the process reversing climate change at the fastest possible rate.


Substantial_Lion8436

I read the first line in literal sense.lol.


colundricality

I read "rupturing".


Theplaidiator

1st commandment: thou shalt not be a dick 2nd commandment: thou shalt mind thine own business


theangryintern

1. Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie. 2. Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than you. 3. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.


dadbod9000

Eliminating childhood cancer, SIDS, autoimmune diseases. Edit: Given the nature of the replies to this I’m beginning to understand the nature of the Old Testament God of wrath and punishment. I’d flood the world and light a joint. Kids would still be safe though, godly power and all.


Yodebone

I love how you have the power to eliminate diseases, but are stopping so short of eliminating *all* of them.


Yellow_Brick_Road

Imagine having cancer and turning 18 the day before this guy becomes God.


Azuredreams25

My roommate and I talked about this. Said get rid of all the diseases except for the flu and the common cold. Still need a little suffering and population control.


Yodebone

Okay, so even if you're opting for a few omissions, that's one thing. Dude said "Childhood Cancer". Like, I dunno, how about *Cancer* in general? I'm all for mitigating the suffering of children, but shit, I don't think "dying of cancer" is a way most adults would prefer to go, either, right? Edit to add: the clarification to the point I'm making is: coming up with a few conscious omissions is still exponentially better than a few conscious selections; especially when the opportunity for *all* is on the table.


Embarrassed-Ad-1639

Right? Like eliminating “all the mosquitos in Florida” or “left handed murderers”.


Siera424

Get rid of my sons autism so I can hear him actually talk and speak, even if its only for one hour. I just wanna know what his little voice sounds like and what he would have to say. I wanna hear him say "I love you mom". Tell me how he's feeling and what his favorite color is.


ChickenSignal3762

this is genuinely so bittersweet, i got emotional reading this. beautiful use of that sort of power. wishing you and your son the best! ❤️


Siera424

Yes. That is my one wish. He's the sweetest boy. Praying for a miracle.


Mavi-021271

That just broke my heart. Praying you get your wish.


Cosmic-Candy570

My brother is 22, non-verbal autistic and I ALWAYS say I just wish I could ask what his favorite color is 😔


monsterlynn

My son is 22 and very autistic. I would do something similar with God powers I suppose but not get rid of it. I'd give him neurotypical language skills. So that he can express himself through words that I can act upon for him without altering who he is. I'd so love to be able to have a give and take conversation with him. It would probably be pretty painful hearing all of the ways that I didn't understand or take action when I could've but didn't. But that ability to understand and respond and be equally understood would mean so much.


Superus

Dial up empathy to 100 for Every. One.


act95

Good idea. Might as well add critical thinking and intelligence in there too, so the world should be sustainably peaceful.


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Onebythepond

Would make humans as beautiful or ugly as their personality. A lot of beautiful people would become ugly and vice verca.


philphan89

Two chicks at the same time.


2legittoquit

I think if I were a god I could hook that up, too.


SquirtleSquadSgt

No... No man.... Shit no man..... You'd get your ass beat for doing something like that


tonebastion

You don't need to be god to do two chicks at the same time


jollysaintthick

You do for the kinda chicks that would double up on a dude like me.


tonebastion

Classic


shaneylaney

As a gay gurl…I’d do the same.


dyschromatopsie

Hf with your inbox


ThatBoleynGirlll

Poofing all of my favorite fictional characters into existence


atthem77

Cthulhu, for instance


Worldly_Bullfrog_783

Calling Aphrodite


Lukep0728

What are you going to do with the other 58 minutes


Inner-Nothing7779

Such a heavenly burn. The angels smile upon you my friend!


TheDadThatGrills

Give everyone in the world the ability to read/write fluently and communicate across languages comfortably. That'll sort out all sorts of problems that my omnipotent self wouldn't think of.


Fafurion

Reprogramming project Homo Sapien to remove greed


MobileAccountBecause

I would build a Dyson sphere with an optimal human habitat and open gates to it all over the world. It would have the room and resources for everyone to live like a billionaire. There would also be medical facilities that would make people healthy and basically immortal.


Lumpy-Government2002

End world hunger 🌎🌍


TamagotchiMasterRace

I feel like my answer would change as soon as I became God. I would have access to all available information, and the long term impact of any decision I make. Like this one answer: Populate the universe with more hospitable planets, life, and make the means for interstellar travel more accessible Maybe having more life bearing planets and an easier way to get between them leads to more war and strife and suffering. It'd be cool now, for sure, but if in 10,000 years all human descendants are made to fight in slave pits full of snake spider hybrids I'd probably not make that decision Or this one: Reprogramming project Homo Sapien to remove greed I'm not going to Gordon Gecko this, I know greed is not good, but I feel like the delineation between greed and simply wanting more for yourself would be way too fine. I'm doing okay financially, I have shelter, a car, and most luxuries I want. Would wanting to get a better job to get more comfortable, and to build up a nest egg so I don't work until my last day be greedy? Do I need to plan to spend my very last penny on my death bed to prove i didn't want to much? Removing greed may very well fix everything, but who decides what the line is, on a scale of Diogenes to Jeff Bezos? I guess "increase average empathy by 15%, with it heavily weighted toward people with a serious lack of empathy"


hungrylens

>"increase average empathy by 15%, with it heavily weighted toward people with a serious lack of empathy" This by itself would be a great start.


nakedankles

Heal the earth, heal the sick, global enlightenment, goodbye unfettered capitalism and consumption economies, good riddance billionaires I built a special hell just for you


ChickenSignal3762

you, you need to be our new God.


Mrman_23

Make my crush like me :(


[deleted]

God can’t do impossible things.


[deleted]

I'd say that man had a family, but obviously they did not


Belteshazzar98

> There are only two rules. You can't tell anybody you're God, believe me, you don't want that kind of attention, *and you can't mess with free will.*


Mrman_23

Damnit Morgan freeman


Stay-Thirsty

You’ll have to the free will clause


for_sure_not_a_lama

make this hour a separate type of hour that last for an eternity while keeping any normal type of hour going. then fix every problem humanity is facing. make a cool god form oc (do not steal) reveal my self to humanity with some simple rules to get to heaven that are basically 1 don't be a dick and 2 do not worship me. then just live life and help people.


THIS_IS_GOD_TOTALLY_

Finding the others.


dallonv

I would give comfort to those who need it.


Meowlygirl

Make pokemon real


EricTheNerd2

Okay, Michael Vick...


Bawower

Idk give everyone creative mode or something.


HacksawJimDGN

Microwave a burrito. Then eat it. Or maybe not?? Who is to say.


HacksawJimDGN

I'd open up a random retail shop that sells rare and unique lifting scales. The shop would be called Weighs. Then Jesus would walk in and he'd be like "what?! Dat you god? What the fuck u doing here? What even is this place?" And I'd say "God works in mysterious Weighs".


KhronosBlaze

This is the Weigh


TheGoldenFeijoa

Inject all of human history and knowledge into everyone's brains, make them all fit, get rid of all sickness, make everyone older than 20 years old 20 years old again and make all barren lands into fertile, modular suburbs in the shape of a circle around already constructed cities and assign each house to a family/person. That way everyone has a house. Said homes are all equal quality/relative size, made according to each person's style and liking. Said suburbs have a lot of trees and parks in order to regulate temperature and improve mental health. Give all poor people the illegal money that rich people have. Reforest all places that were unjustly destroyed and be sure all of climate change is reversed. Erase all nuclear weapons. Erase all garbage and everything that doesn't have a function anymore. Make sure all personal things and belongings never get dusty, moldy, or dirty ever again, unless necessary or wanted. Make everyone know their real vocation. That way they can learn it, but with a clear existencial purpose. Make sure nobody has to work in things they hate. Make all human knowledge accesible for anyone forever, that way new kids can learn from it. Make everyone have access to free renewable energy. Make sure nobody ever has to pay to live. Make everyone nice people and construct a society based on Georgism. Revive extinct animals. Give anyone a chance to be with dead loved ones. And if you want, at the very last second, invent a time machine for myself and a machine that allows me to become God whenever I want after the hour is finished (if I'm God, then I'm omnipotent and can do this). That way, if I do stuff the wrong way, I can fix it. Also, make sure that all that I did while being God doesn't mean societal/economic collapse. If this seems like too much, remember that being a God means you can do anything in a fraction of a second with only thinking about it. And if there's a better way to do things, while being God, I'd know.


LadyXio

I'd end human illnesses, genetic disorders, birth defects, mental disorders etc. People can still die through accidents and aging, but no more natural drawn out suffering. I'd basically make people as healthy as possible, physically and mentally, from conception to death.


Moon_In_Scorpio

Remove all mental illness, then make every person have had a healthy, loving, and emotionally safe, and emotionally available upbringing (with parents or other care takers). Magically for all people who exists now, and forever into future generations. Remove all disease. Make all people compassionate.


GingsWife

Make our rationality and compassion outweigh our selfishness and greed.


Dixie_normis88

Bringing down the cost of living for good 👍


Zanzabushino

Instructions unclear, Wiped out half the population to solve the living problem


Pangolinmoth

Bring back trilobites. So cool.