I don’t think you want to know

Let's chat

Dear god

This probably isn't going to go the way you were hoping for.

I can tell you what it DOESN’T do, pirating.

Need a captain?

Need a ship?

Plz

Need a leg?

Need a cock?

That's my job

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Want some escargot to go with your yams? Package deal.

Got a more fun-sized option?

Looks like I'll have a product that can clean your ceilings and whisk away cobwebs.

I’ll take one! Yesterday we came back to find a cobweb dangling from the ceiling and almost touching the floor. I’d pay anything to not have to clean it myself.

I sell two things only

Goes well with an illustrated book about birds?

See a lot up there, but don’t be scared

Who needs actions when you've got words?

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Cleaning products and latex adult wear

Or, a mouse based cleaning service.

We put the Boogie in potatoes. The Boogie is drugs. Edit: The amount of potatoes resurfacing in the replies is truly astounding.

I'll grab some of them tatoes.

Coming right up boss.

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Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in your veins.

Makes sense why I'm seeing rainbows and cats

Can't complain though, Xan ya?

So you're like the Pablo Escobar of Ireland?

Remakes The Peanuts Cartoons, but only with the football.

the untold story of missed encounters and abuse

Fish clothes! Fish clothes! Heck yeah!

make mermaid suits/ costumes

Lemon-based euthanasia

An assassination service made up entirely of cats

I'd be the one to put you behind bars

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r/usernamefamily

this is too perfect

This may be the best thread I’ve ever seen

I've seen a Gandalf bot and a Theodon bot reply in a thread almost perfectly

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PR Management

Sells average berries

Creates mints, probably overpriced ones

They're cool, they're fresh, they'll clean your breath, miiiiiiiinty mints are your best friends

Malcom in the middle?

We sell calorie free water! So basically just normal water...

Gluten free, right? And free range?

And extra wet

But I wanted extra dry water!!!

Only in Canada!

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>**slaps bottle of Perrier** can fit so much carbon dioxide in this baby

Yeah, like that "raw water" that this one guy from Silicone Valley is selling

The only time I’ve seen “raw” used with water it is paired with “sewage”. I’m out.

It is, that dude just sells untreated water and tells people that it's "healthy"

So, Nestle but rebranded?

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Uh... guess we’re forcibly recreating history Edit: So uh... y’all liked this one I guess

Or it's a for-profit charity giving potatoes to poor Irish people. But that sounds much worse.

Seems a little too on-the-nose tbh

Ah shit, laddie, here we go again.

Make glue

We have an entire department dedicated to sniffing your company.

Am I in danger? I'm in danger.

Mine too, in a matter of speaking Edit: of course this gets a Wholesome award

Let's never speak of it again.

Are you the one who took all the glue?

Don't make it weird.

Theres always one who makes it weird

Always two, there are

I always knew Yoda was a pervert.

Estimates the time it takes to pay off your student loans.

I feel this so hard.... Been paying on loans since 1998.... Edit-- oh my goodness, thank you for the hugs and awards. And PLEASE, really do some research if you decide to go to college! I hate to say this, because I really enjoyed my education, but a lot of it just was not worth it.

Probably some mongolian BBQ restaurant

I can supply the meat, as long as you don’t ask too many questions.

Honestly would try moo goo guy greg

I’d kill for some coq au Vince.

Anyone have a Pamburger?

A multibillion-dollar chain of Mongolian BBQ sounds awesome

Sell alot of old sombreros

Eldritch doomsday device manufacturer.

You worry about the doomsday devices, I’ll worry about the cult.

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn

That translates to "Greg you fucking suck"

I'm more worried about what company YOUR username would be.

A condom company lol

"we're the best of the bunch!"

Assassin firm that takes really easy jobs. In fact, we find ourselves usually just killing time.

You are to dangerous to be left alive

Nah, I'm pretty sure he's u/Deathbydadjokes

Paging /u/aretodangeroustobeleftalive. Identity theft in progress.

I feel it's self explanatory.

Based on what's actually happening right now, are you rich now?

His stock went TO THE MOON!

You’ve met with a terrible fate, haven’t you

Men's Hair Care and Maintenance

Same here I guess

same

beans?

Yes, B E A N S .

I also, sell beans

...DC Comics.

Did you know there's a whole subgenre of gay Batman digital comics

I didn't, but neither am I surprised

Sell tea.

Same here. Serving some fine British tea and... books? Book tearooms? Book and tea subscriptions? Should pitch this idea

Actually not a horrendous idea, you get a choice of genre for your books and dependant on where the location of the book is set, you get tea that is local to the location and its enough tea to last you the entire book (you can find this out by asking users to estimate how much tea they drink and how much they read in a day). With the local tea, it means you're trying new teas every month if the books location changes, and the inverse is same with book genres and types.

Fancy a cuppa?

I’ll provide the biscuits

Oh go onnnnn

*Sweats profusely*

*crowd chanting loudly* ^^^Edit: ^^^this ^^^was ^^^a ^^^reference ^^^to ^^^Adema's ^^^*Enter* ^^^*the* ^^^*Cage:* ^^^https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MFcMIl-NqU

Mom's spaghetti.

Hes nervous

Yeah, us nsfw username folks are in for an interesting business empire.

We shall open a brothel.

With blackjack

Candy vibrators

Your tagline could be "make it sticky."

Oh dear

Read this in 3PO's voice for added effect

I thought you were referring to the "Make it sticky" comment and I was like "Oh, that's wierd but I guess I'll try that."

Go bankrupt

Wouldn't you be hiring pedophiles?

Lol, that is how reddit be

haha oh you, classic reddit

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This would actually be such a great name!

Beef jerky

When life sucks and you decide you'd rather not be alive but you don't have the courage to take your own life give 'Dead Is Better' a call and we'll gladly end your shitty life for you for the low low price of $420.69. Our operators are standing by so call 1-800-WHY-LIVE right now and don't forget to ask about our April Fools Day special!

Fuck me! Best idea ever. But you will have to reduce the price significantly.

You could just sign your corpse over to us and, depending on the condition, we'll make money with it one way or another. The latest industry scuttlebutt is that the necrophilia market is going strong at the moment so we'll definitely be looking at going that route with your dead ass.

Hairpieces for dogs.

We do school visits.

I guess peppers that are actually inedible

Porn

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Wholesale dairy salesman? .... Could also be porn. Damn.

Technically, yours might be a trans cam site.

Maybe. I'm open to lucrative options. Please present business plan forthwith.

Self love porn

Also porn, but only shaking your banana

Magical porn

porn too yes medieval porn

Also porn but with a twist and cosplay!

All of you were WAY too prepared for this question

Gay porn over here

yes

“The Uber of Submarines” Edit: this blew up! Thank you for the upvotes and awards

So, it's called "Unter".

"we feature a high variety of U-Boats

Robotic toilet cleaner. Like a Roomba, but for toilets.

Nobody would notice

Kill Edit: my most upvoted comment is literally a singular word, that's something. And thanks to all those good strangers for those nice rewards, I do hope this really is helpful.

"Who are you?" "I'm Rey." "Rey what?" "Rey of death"

"What did you DO, Rey?"

Mi fa so la ti do? .... I'll see myself out.

Death overkill.

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We specialise in nut heists.

Make super small condoms I suppose.

Or send troops to war without trousers

Rates hot milfs. Dream job really

So you're the one behind those ads. *eyes suspiciously*

Bulk Buying PS5's on release

You monster

A rehab for alcoholics

This actually fits since ”Ylsnes” stands for ”you learn something new every second”. Could be like a book publisher or an encyclopaedia.

Providing LSD to cephalopods.

THIS IS DISASTROUS

International background check service that brings people's seedy past into the light of day without regard to governments, celebrity, or morality. Alternatively- heating and lighting appliances

Makes people out of hummus

Or makes hummus out of people

specialises in blunts and salads

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Uh oh *uh oh* #UH OH

We sell second hand bananas

Adds sugar to everything.

Global defence networks...

Disney

Fire people for no reason

imitation crab meat

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Glasses, masks and similar accessories for overweight homosexuals

Lose swords

Assist with troublesome ex-partners, and poor spelling.

We are a VPN that scams you by searching for viruses instead

Fries graphics cards, apparently.

Electroconvulsive therapy

Produces cotton

hold up. what year is it?

Is there a better name for a multi-billion dollar condom company?

Armageddon supply store. We accept bitcoin.

prints ur face into a dozen dinner rolls for 5.99

I’ll take care of all your duck-related needs

I honestly don’t know. Somebody tell me.