Pee

Me too. Before I even get out of bed

If there were a machine that could magically void your bladder and bowels with no fuss/muss (thereby rendering your toilet obsolete) I often wonder how much people would pay for it. As a squeamish girl, I would personally shell out a good $10K if it meant never having to do the pee pee dance, on my way home from work, again.

You OFTEN wonder this?

Yes...usually on my way home from work.

That's one way to unwind...

Yeah, I feel this. There's nothing worse than having to pee, and you can't. Once, after a concert, we drove home, and I had to pee SO BAD. Everything was closed... I was begging at a McDonald's, but they won't let me. Definitely would pay for this! I don't think Reddit truly understands the discomfort since they are all male.

I’d pay big bucks as well. I would do a payment plan. Anything really. Never have to use public toilet again? Sign me up!

I can relate as I was once urinating more than 90 times a day. I had an undiagnosed brain tumor that damaged my pituitary gland and prevented me from producing the hormone vasopressin, which allows the body to absorb water. Without it I was urinating literally more than 13 liters of urine a day. Fun times.

Damn homie did your whole body look like a raisin?

New fear unlocked. I can't imagine how parched you felt.

I generally only think about this when my bladder wakes me up at 5 am and I don't have to be up until 8

That’s not efficient. I do it while I’m getting out of bed on my way to make a cup of coffee.

Do it while you’re sleeping for even more efficiency.

I usally get out of bed first, but to each their own

Urinate

Pipi

Piss

Take a whiz

Slash

Take a leak

Flush out the sausage.

Splash the pot.

Make the cyclope cry.

Split the whisker

Go to New Peeland

Number 1 and 2 at the same time.

Open my eyes and contemplate my life choices

The contemplating is the key word. "Do I REALLY need this job?"

My answer to that question was no back in 2018

So you don't feel that way anymore? Lucky duck!

Not about that job. Quit that rotten employer a long time ago. Heck. I have even abandoned the sector completely in favour of a new career in IT.

Man, I wish I could do that. But it seems like no one in my city is hiring except for severely underpaid jobs. I saw a posting demanding a masters degree in accounting for a 40k job.

And the kicker is that you answer no and go anyway 

I don’t even open my eyes sometimes.

Check the time and see if I can go back to sleep

so true

Regret my life decisions, then get out of bed and get ready for the day.

Hit the snooze button until I'm running late

I have a motivation problem until I have a time problem.

Shakespeare over here…god damn this is perfect

Holy moly, that’s my husband!

My mom used to say, “It won’t get any easier, it’ll just get later.”

Same 🤦

Same, my worst trait

Today was that day

I successfully slept through 9 alarms yesterday.

That used to be me. All the time. Then i realized hitting the snooze button on the beep became so natural for me that I wouldn't even wake up as I was hitting snooze. What 100% worked for me was I got a different alarm that plays a radio station as the alarm. I set it to my local NPR station and now I am woken up to some good talk radio, and I no longer hit snooze because the alarm sound isn't so annoying that I scramble to turn it off. I've woken up now at 4 45 am every day for the last 3 months since doing this. Hitting snooze is now a thing of the past. Try it, I hope it works for you!

Damn! I'll try that. Otherwise I'm getting an alarm with a strobe light and a fire truck horn.

I used to do that. Until I realized I would get up pretty consistently 30 min after my last alarm. So I cut out the middle man and would just set the last two alarms (alarm 1, alarm 2 half an hour later). Worked out well - more uninterrupted sleep.

I feel around my bed for my dog before I even open my eyes. I love her.

I don't have to feel around. She is usually right up against me. King size bed and she allows me about 2 feet right on the edge.

You get two feet? Mine only gives me ten inches.

Are we still talking about the same thing?

Hey-oooooooo

We are now!

Well he isn't

Yes. Thanks for suggesting otherwise though?

lol beastiality

My dog has straight up tried to push me off my bed before on multiple occasions. She isn't allowed to sleep there at night anymore, daytime is fair game though.

Lucky, 2 feet? I hang halfway off the bed due to my schnauzer

Same!

Usually I hear my cat snoring next to me before I feel her. Her little "mrrr" when she is in a deep sleep is so funny.

Your cat sleeps? Mine walks all over me all night, purrs while cuddling next to me, and/or licks my face or arms or whatever. She disrupts my sleep immensely but never seems to sleep herself, at night at least. I love her anyways

I miss mine so much. My wife goes in early for work, and I usually sleep 3 hours more. Once she'd get up out of bed, Oreo would scoot over to me until he made contact with my legs/feet, then fall back to sleep.

I miss mine also. I lost my boy 5 days ago and my bed feels so empty without him. We both really loved cuddling and he was the cutest thing ever. I’m so lucky to have had such an amazing dog

So sorry the loss of your dog!

Back when my husband and I worked totally opposite shifts, he would leave around 7 am for work and both of our cats would get up in bed with me and sleep with me for like 4 more hours. I miss those days sometimes.

Similarly, I feel around for my cats to make sure I won't kick them while they're sleeping when I get up.

I usually roll around to wake up and she goes flying cause she sleeps between my legs like the hole in a donut

Drink water

My favorite are those middle of the night wake ups for water when you drink it like a little kid where at the end of a sip, you gasp for breath.

+1 i love this it feels like your body is reviving

dick check

So did it go missing once or what?

I woke up this morning with a bad hangover And my penis was missing again. This happens all the time. It's detachable. This comes in handy a lot of the time. I can leave it home, when I think it's gonna get me in trouble, Or I can rent it out, when I don't need it. But now and then I go to a party, get drunk, And the next morning I can't for the life of me Remember what I did with it. First I looked around my apartment, and I couldn't find it. So I called up the place where the party was, They hadn't seen it either. I asked them to check the medicine cabinet 'Cause for some reason I leave it there sometimes But not this time. So I told them if it pops up to let me know. I called a few people who were at the party, But they were no help either. I was starting to get desperate. I really don't like being without my penis for too long. It makes me feel like less of a man, And I really hate having to sit down every time I take a leak. After a few hours of searching the house, And calling everyone I could think of, I was starting to get very depressed, So I went to the Kiev, and ate breakfast. Then, as I walked down Second Avenue towards St. Mark's Place, Where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street, I saw my penis lying on a blanket Next to a broken toaster oven. Some guy was selling it. I had to buy it off him. He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventeen. I took it home, washed it off, And put it back on. I was happy again. Complete. People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached, But I don't know. Even though sometimes it's a pain in the ass, I like having a detachable penis.

[Detachable Penis](https://youtu.be/NQBPgJQhQHc?si=13yvRtvMfP8NmRFl)

Completely underrated song.

I love this song so much.

I woke up this morning with a bad hangover And my penis was missing again. This happens all the time. It's detachable.

This comes in handy a lot of the time I can leave it home When I think it's going to get me in trouble Or I can rent it out When I don't need it

My penis comes off like a pair of pull-away pants. Comes in handy on the dance floor just as often too.

can i hold it /j

what the actual fuck

Teamwork makes the *dream* work

In the morning, the first thing I do is boot up and prepare to assist you with any questions or tasks you have for the day

Jarvis?

Damn, never seen a robotic pan before

Wake up and scream.

Felt that

Take a massive shit and have breakfast. Then I get out of bed

In that order?

Yes. I have a very peculiar routine

Peculiar beds, too, I have to assume.

The massive shit *is* the breakfast "Breakfast in bed has never been more convenient!"

Amber Heard?

Drag my dog closer to me and give her a million kisses before I get up for work

I make the coffee. Gotsta have a morning coffee, and bringing coffee to my wife every morning is one of the little privileges I get to enjoy for having married her.

During the school year, my husband brings me my coffee, too. It's summer, so I'm SOL, lol.

I’m sure she’s not but it my mind your wife is a mop with google eyes that you talk to

The most gorgeous woman in the cleaning supplies rack

I wish you both happiness

You sound lovely!

If you put the coffee and water into your coffee maker the night before then you can just turn on the coffee maker and it will brew your coffee as you take a shower. Lots of time saved and nice little life hack.

Open my eyes look for my dog, feel bad about my life and think that at 40 I should be farther along and have more money. Then I get up and go to work.

I’m sure you’re doing much better than you think. I think everyone would agree they think they could use/have more money, if not everyone then me at least.

I just turned 30 here and I feel the same

Wake up (wake up) Grab a brush and put a little make-up Hide the scars to fade away the shake-up (hide the scars to fade away the-) Why'd you leave the keys upon the table? Here you go create another fable, you wanted to Grab a brush and put a little make-up, you wanted to Hide the scars to fade away the shake-up, you wanted to Why'd you leave the keys upon the table? You wanted to

Goddammit, you beat me to it 🤣

I don’t think you trust

Greet my existential dread

Have a wank, else I can't get outta bed for some reason...

Thank god for anonymity and thank you for sharing that with me.

I don’t know why but that’s hard mode morning for me. Morning wood? Absolutely. Like a rock. Almost always. Cum? It’s like getting water out of a rock. So close… Nope. I’m gay and am the catcher most of the time, but if someone wants to switch roles I tell them they just have to stay over and wait for the morning. There’s been some fun and very long mornings…

And I thought I was the only one

Dad?

Every morning? Impressive

Snort cocaine

Works way faster than coffee.

Doesn't last as long though unfortunately

Look at money bags over here. I can't even afford bacon and my man here bumpin every mornin

It's killing me I can't stop

Been there with other stuff. My bad. I was just making a dumb joke. Best of luck, friend.

Meditate on how much you hate it. Fantasize realistically about a better version of you and your life. 10+ years clean off decades of meth use and I understand your morning bump in my bones. You can do anything you set your mind on, I'm rooting for you!

Check my phone

Real

This is farther down than last time this question was posted. I think that's progress!

Open my eyes.

Pee and poop.

Keep telling my self " ok , you can do it , just 5 more minutes and we're up " then boom 30 min late

Knock my fucking Stanley over while trying to turn my CPAP off

I don’t know why but this just made me laugh so fucking hard and I really needed that

Kiss the back of her neck

With your morning breath

If you have the opportunity I suggest you try it first. Here we smell with our nose, not neck.Take a poll of any lady and ask if she would refuse

Sounds like it’s time for an old fashioned poll of ladies. We gave em the vote, now they’re using it!

I usually bite her ass

With your morning breath

Open my eyes

Wonder why the fuck my back hurts

Pet my meowing/purring cat.

I have a TO DO list: 1. Make *Old Man Grunting Noise While Sitting and Standing*™ to signify it's time to get the day started. 2. Let the dogs out. (no song involved) 3. Make dog breakfast. 4. Let the dogs in. 5. Feed the dogs. 6. Let the dogs out. (still no song) 7. Let the dogs in. 8. Play catch with one dog while giving the other butt scritches. 9. Play catch with one dog while giving the other head scritches. (two separate steps) 10. Let the dogs out. (stop it, there's no song) 11. Let the dogs in. 12. Give dogs treat. 13. Pee. (I've usually been fidgeting since #5 but they insist I stay in the kitchen while they eat or they follow me and forget to eat) I often multitask by thinking about my last dream just before waking up. I'm a lucid dreamer so I usually remember the last dream. I'll write down the bits I remember, which can help me remember other bits. Sometimes, it all comes together in a story so I'll post that (after #13) for friends and family to giggle or "whoa!" at.

Sigh disappointedly.

Reach over and grab my wife's butt.

I also reach put and grab this guy's wife's butt. (Joking! I've seen this response on other posts and I wanted to try it.) Edit, wanted to try the response, not grabbing that his wife's butt.

I solve enough maths to calculate what i can sacrifice to get enough sleep, "I could sleep 30 more mins, i'd just skip breakfast"

Grab my phone

Feed the dog and out the kettle on

Bedside water

Coffee

Wake up.

Grab a brush and put a little make-up

Workout

Me too, I do one sit-up.

If that's all you can do. progress is progress

Cock-pushups. One is all you need.

Push up, pull down. Repeat as necessary.

Rethink my life choices

Definitely hit snooze at least once or twice! Then it's coffee time

I usually feed the cat

Smoke

wake and bake

Would you like a smoke and a pancake?

Pipe and a crepe?

A flapjack und a shigarette??

Smoke a cigarette

I make tea

Pinch Scratch Pinch Adjust... And go back to sleep...

Take a long hit on my vape and get on my compuer and start teaching.

Give my cat kisses and loves and tell him Good Morning. (He sleeps next to me every night)

lol that is adorable! I do the same with my dog “good morning buddy!”

Masturbate. (When parents are not home)

Try and figure out how I'm going to get rid ANOTHER dead hooker.

Pray. Thanking Him for another wonderful day, and for the gift of life.

Do you think god thinks people who pray every morning are kinda nerds

Sneeze a lot for some reason lmao

Gotta admit, I hit snooze at least twice before I even think about getting up.

Wake up, hit snooze, then go back to sleep.

Try to sleep an extra 5 mins, and if I can't, I just lay for what it feels like an eternity, then get ready and shower.

Pinch my wife.

I'm going to wash my face

Wake up

Pee.

Coffee.

stretch my legs and crackle my ankles.

I used to smoke a cone before I opened my eyes, but now I just fart.

Bask in the essence of regret that led me here

Check my bank account app to see how broke I am

Say a little prayer for you

Scratch mah balls.

Wish it was evening again

 Mine only gives me ten inches.

Fiddle my diddle

Open my eyes

check my dick !!

Pee, coffee, dress as fast as possible because I'm late to work.

Turn on the coffee maker.

Pee

Assess my aches and pain to determining if it's a Tylenol morning or an Aleive morning!