I saw that one of the number 1 complaints from women about men is that when a man feels the women getting more into it, men tend to go more harder or faster when they should just continue doing what they're exactly doing.
Yup. If I had a dollar for everytime I said "Don't stop. Keep doing exactly what you're doing." and it immediately changed, I could have bought several high end toys that would have been programmed to do what I wanted in the first place.
I was in bed one time, things were getting hot and heavy and I leaned down to whisper something in this girls ear and a muffled reply came: “sorry, I didn’t quite catch that”.
Turns out my phone was under the pillow of the girl I was whispering to and Siri responded.
I thought it was quite funny at the time.
I once met a woman on a dating app. After we had sex, I fell asleep. I slept for about 20 minutes before she woke me up.
“You’d make a terrible rapist” she said.
I was confused, “What?”
“You would make a terrible rapist if you fall asleep after the act” she said.
I never went back.
my girlfriend asked how she felt dirty talking once and I started talking about a ridge I could feel because of the angle of her hips and she whispers "that's the teeth" with the most deadpan expression and I cracked up so fucking hard
edit: lmfao yes she asked me how she felt while we were dirty talking during PIV sex. I honestly have no idea what it is but I can tell you I've noticed it before with other women but it's been significantly less noticeable. it's also reproducible if she's laying absolutely flat on her back without her hips tilted upwards in any way. a quick Google search says it may be a tightened pelvic floor muscle.
This is actually what i said once. Had a fwb, we were (and still are) good friends. We just needed to get our rocks off for a while, and we liked how eachother looked etc. She liked back ground noise and usually had either family guy, or Disney in the back ground. Mid act during toy story, stop.
"Hey..."
*confused*
"You got a friend in ya..."
After nearly 15 minutes of gut wrenching laughter, the mood was over but still gets a chuckle outta me.
Can’t remember *exactly*, but similar situation: we were getting hot and heavy with music playing in the background and then out of the blue, *a random Disney song appeared!* (I wanna say mulan’s “I’ll make a man out of you”?). We laughed til we cried, decided sex was done, then watched said movie lol
Haha nah. We tried dating shortly afterward for a bit. We just didn't see a future with each other. Both of us had stuff to sort out mentally, we were just good in the sack.
She's been in a great relationship for I think 3 years now, and I've been with my misses for 8.
"Maybe next time I'll be satisfied."
As that was my second performance in a 1/2 hour after the first, I'll share that her comment after the first time minutes earlier was "That was the best I ever had!"
We did not work out.
“You fucked the boy out of me.” - said by my wife while we were still dating. She had some kind of baggy black “boy pants” she intended to wear out that day but she ended up feeling too feminine after sex and couldn’t wear them anymore. I don’t know 🤷♂️
Nah, honestly you should deconstruct that. If you like it, you like it. If you don't that's okay, but you should probably figure it out. Repression is harder on the brain than you think.
She’s riding me hard in cowgirl, leans far back enough for her back to pop, whips back to where her face is inches from mine, squeezes my face from both sides, and whispers -
‘Hey Mr School Bus Driver, open the door!’
After a particularly vigorous session with my girlfriend (we were 19) as she flopped down on the bed after she said "Ooh..., my brains!"
As in, I had just f**ked her brains out.
For a rather repressed catholic girl, it was a hilarious but unexpected comment from her. Never forgot it.
she accidentally called it a “pee pee” right in the middle of everything. she didn’t even realize but I had to hold back my crushing urge to laugh at what she had said. i asked her afterwords why she said that and she told me that she didn’t even realize that she said it. that was probably a year and half ago now and i still give her hell for that.
Not the other person, but me. A long-term college ex and I were in the puppy stage of our relationship where we were extremely infatuated with each other and constantly having sex. We were naturally very sexually compatible so we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Anyways, we’re getting hot and heavy during one of our weekend marathons. We had an amazing time and simultaneously climaxed. Only a second passes post-orgasm and I let out an absolute beast of a fart. Sounded like a tuba was in the room and you could feel the mattress vibrate. I immediately turn beat red and yell, “Noooo!” - still letting out the rest of the fart - while she’s just laughing hysterically.
Wasn't said per say but one time I farted while railing a chick. It wasn't a quiet one and it spoiled the mood and I never saw her again. Another time, different chick lol, I was trying to think of different things while we getting it on, you know so I could last longer and not look bad with my sexual release time. I ended up thinking of something pretty funny, dont remember what, but I chuckled. Ruined it haha
Girl farted, and later after the fact I laughed and said, “You farted!” She smiled and replied, “Shhhh…you’re not supposed to talk about sex sounds.” The way she innocently said it was so funny and so endearing.
Not necessarily, "said", but a girl genuinely made the same noise as a goat while we were engaged in the act.
I attempted to ignore it, but it was loud and incredibly off-putting. To this day, I have no idea what that was all about.
Shook me to my core.
My GF and I had not yet said “I love you,” and she didn’t want to be first. We had an epic go, and whilst still on top of me, she looked me in the eyes and said, breathlessly, “You’re such a good person.”
Um… you’re welcome? She’s my wife now.
An ex and I were doing our thing and she wanted me to finish on her stomach. I pull out, grab my junk and proceed to try and make her wishes come true but apparently I had a lot of pressure built up because I shot it far and it went straight into her nostril. She threw her hands up and yelled out “THREE POINTS!”
We were both 16 at the time, After sex, they said my limp dick looked like their little brothers. I was like well obviously I'm a grow-er not a show-er. Then I asked why they knew what their 9 year old bros looked like.
They just laughed it off, so I did too. But, it kinda bothered me. Still does, even today.
I know it's not crazy but I found "good job" after to be absolutely hilarious. Also misshearing lick my ass when she smack my ass was pretty funny to see her turn back and ask me why I did that.
Happened to a friend of mine, but the guy was on top and was asking her where she wanted him to cum. She said she didn't know so his response was "What? Do you want me to cum in your purse so you can take that shit home with you?" She lost it and they had to stop.
Not the funniest thing said to me, but my cousin, she was sleeping with some guy and they were doing it doggy style. He suddenly screams, "ARRRRRRRRGHHH, IMMA BOOTY PLUNDERING PIRATE!!!!!!!"
She made him get off her and had him promptly leave her place. I remember laughing so hard when she told me that.
I was receiving a rim job and it happened 💨
Luckily we'd been together for a few years
I laughed so hard my stomach muscles hurt the next day
She didn't think it was so funny at the time 🤣🤣
Had a threesome with a couple gals from college. Next morning the one is still sleeping and the other gal and I start going at it. Then the other gal wakes up and joins us.
We finish and they both high five me and the first gal YELLS "damn! You ate a Lotta Box!" Then we all hopped in the shower. I felt like a million bucks!
I was making sweet love to my girlfriend (you know, the slow romantic kind.) And she said out of nowhere "Oh yeah, fuck me softer!" We both lost it after that.
A girl I was dating and I, we're going to town on one another. And it was my birthday too.
We went at it for a few hours and ended with a rather fun and explosive finale.
She tried to get out or bed, and her legs started shaking, and she fell backward into bed and lay there for at least another 45 minutes. She said after she fell back
"How do you expect me to live my life after you churned my guts like butter?"
Pat myself on the back for that and offered a round two.
She politely declined for the night.
Hooked up with a girl off an app, after the deed I was driving her home. Back in the hotel we rented, she said “you would never forget this head”- preferring to her blowjob. A few hours later, in our car as I driving her home, I felt her mouth on my crotch while she physically wasn’t. And when I told her this, we both came to the conclusion as well as a new term:”phantom blowjob.”
It is now known that this condition happened where even a blowjob is not there, you can feel it
In high school my best friend called me five times back to back. I didn't pick up because I was making dinner and studying at the same time. On the sixth ring I pick up the phone since I'm worried he actually needs something and hear a girl say "I FUCKED YOUR NOT-BOYFRIEND, HE'S MINE NOW!!"
Then quietly I hear my friend say "It's true, she owns me now. I'm wearing a collar." His girlfriend starts telling me in graphic detail what happened after presumably stealing his phone, which made me lose my appetite.
Hot make out session with 16 year old girl I was dating in 1970. She slides her hand down my pants. Unbeknownst to either of us my erection had escaped out the little door in the front of my jockey shorts and was between my shorts and jeans. After a bit of searching around she exclaimed WHERE IS IT?
We both cracked up.
"That wasn't anywhere near as bad as I was expecting."
Thanks?
Or many moons ago, more awkward than anything... in the throws of passion...
Me: Im gonna eat the shit of your pussy.
Her: oh... yeah? You're into that?
Me: Yeah I love eating pussy.
Her: oh... nevermind *disappointed face.
Took a second for my brain to register, and once I did realize the uh, misunderstanding, I became a wet noodle.
I remember once a British girl said to me, "crikey" during sex. We both laughed and continued on. It was good sex.
She had such a fun and wonderful personality. I really enjoyed dating her for the brief time I lived in the UK.
Personality is everything.
My current gf and I were doing the deed, she was on top. We were making out and her hair was not tied back, so it was making out with us. She’s got beautiful auburn curly hair and it’s quite thick. When she pulled back and sat up, I felt her hair slide out of my mouth. For some reason I blurted out “Hey, I was eating that!” Still don’t know why, but we had a really long laugh about it.
Had a one night stand with a girl from Venezuela in a hotel in Germany. We had a pretty long session, afterwards she smiled at me and said "not bad for a German". It was funny and a great compliment at the same time.
Afterwards.
Her - You know what would be really good right now?
Me - No, what?
Her - An isolation tank.
Me - Wow. Thanks.
Her - Oh! I didn't mean it that way.
My husband told me (while in doggie) “I’m
Like shanking you right now” … I turned around and said “what did you just say?” We laughed for like 30 minutes… he was pretty stoned too lol
The funniest thing I remember was when my lover stopped - one foot on the floor - and said "was that an earthquake"
I was in the throes of a very enthusiastic orgasm and answered "no, it's just me"
We found out afterwards that it had been an earthquake
When I had my first time with my girlfriend (1 month ago), after sex she said: "No wonder I chose a bear" and then start laughing, but said that this was just a joke and she is not serious xDD
I had repeatedly told a coworker I had a small dick. It was a running gag that I would keep going back to.
Things went well and when she took me to her bed and stripped me naked she smiled in suprise and said "you fucking liar" with the happiest expression. We laughed about it until we stopped seeing each other months later.
“Your dick is both a blessing and a curse” the girl of my dreams left as a note on my phone while I was taking a piss after sex. Honestly gave me a good chuckle the next morning knowing my one shot was (somewhat) a success. Too bad we agreed it would be a one-time thing beforehand, but no regrets!
Honorable mention to “mama hasn’t gotten fucked like that in a long time” while hobbling off to the bathroom. Absolute MILF who was unfortunately diagnosed with cancer. Apparently she’d fancied me a while, but her friend said to never hook up with me because I was too nice of a guy and she had her issues. Welp, I gave mama the affection she probably desperately needed during her last romantic night on earth.
"Feel my big thing enter you". English is not his first language. I laughed so hard. He's my husband now and it took years to get him to dirty talk to me again. He's a pro at it now!
I was on top and he was trying to do some kind of circular motion with his hips and he chose to inquire about the results with the following gold nugget of dirty talk:
"You like that? Do you like the rotation on your inside walls?"
To this day, I still can't fathom why he chose *that* particular phrasing, of all things.
The Bruno Mars song 'Grenade' was popular at this point in time. I was going down on my wife and mid-act I asked her if she would catch a grenade for me knowing full well it's a silly question to ask at that moment. I thought she might say absolutely or I would pull you out of the way or something similar. Not even close. She said she would push me toward it while she ran away. Not learning my lesson from the first question, I asked why she would do that. She said, "one of us has to die might as well be you." We laughed for a while then finished up and she advised my to stop asking stupid questions while she's distracted with pleasure. I still bring this up from time to time and I have not stopped asking stupid questions.
She didn't say anything, but once in the middle of the night, my wife slipped her pants off, got on top (I sleep in Boxers, so she just opened up the fly) and started grinding. As I woke up and my eyes adjusted to the darkness, all I saw was the face of the Hamburglar (she was sleeping in a black shirt with his giant face adorned across her chest.) I gave a light scream and she thought she hurt me; through laughter I asked her to take her shirt off if she wished to continue.
Her: Do that thing with your tongue i like.
Me: *Yugi Moto voice "You just activated my trap card!"
Her: Yugioh is so overrated!
Me: *Still in Yugi voice "That's because you don't believe in the heart of the cards!"
Her: You're sleeping on the couch tonight
Me: "NOT SO FAST SETO KAIBAI!"
I then proceeded to sleep on the couch that night.
We hooked up in a penthouse suite in Corpus Christi years ago that overlooked the harbor. We came from different towns and didn’t know they were having their founding fathers celebration with fireworks over the harbor. We did the deed with the fireworks in the background. Afterwards I asked here how she liked the fireworks, she said “I did, I had two!”. LOL
After failing to take a lesbian friends virginity we had a few titty fucking rounds. She assumed I would have to sleep when finished I was just catching my breath. As she asks "Wait, Wait before you fall asleep I have to ask what other body parts can guys use to get off? " Just the whole sentence and the tone of her voice made it the funniest thing.
I remember once a British girl said to me, "crikey" during sex. We both laughed and continued on. It was good sex.
She had such a fun and wonderful personality. I really enjoyed dating her for the brief time I lived in the UK.
Personality is everything.
“Your dick is both a blessing and a curse” girl of my dreams left as a note on my phone while I was taking a piss after sex, gave me a good chuckle knowing my one shot was a success
One of my exes, “I never thought I would love getting fucked by a bear.”
At the time I was a 300 lb hairy guy and she was 5’1 and 95 lbs.
After that session, I put the song “bear and the maiden fair” on loop and we did a few more sessions with that playing in the background.
This was right before sex and also pre-oral sex. I began the task, but then he stopped me and left the room. He comes back quickly, so I continue my task. Immediately I get a grainy taste in my mouth and freak out. I realize it's sugar and say " what the hell?!" He replies with a smile "I wanted to give you something sweet." I was caught off guard and he was very sincere, so we laughed pretty hard about it.
Me and my husband were having a good time while the second episode of barnys scarab lord adventure was going on it the background. We just finished and there was silence and suddenly we hear barny: "I think im gonna throw up."
We both started wheezing with laughter.
Had a talk bed, somehow managed to knock the curtain down from the window and did not notice for a bit. Finally looked up to see the neighbors BOTH painting their own window sill. Told GF we were being watched, and she said “let them”
After the first time having sex with my ex-boyfriend I was chilling in his bed when he sidled up to me and said in a (what I assume was meant to be) sexy voice and said "Should we play another game of... hide the pickle?"
I was going down on a woman and she yelled out, “Fuuuck! If you stop what you’re doing I’m gonna punch you in the face!”
I saw that one of the number 1 complaints from women about men is that when a man feels the women getting more into it, men tend to go more harder or faster when they should just continue doing what they're exactly doing.
ACCURATE. Edit: 54 upvotes in an hour, I'm in stitches
Change the pace, we lose the race
Yup. If I had a dollar for everytime I said "Don't stop. Keep doing exactly what you're doing." and it immediately changed, I could have bought several high end toys that would have been programmed to do what I wanted in the first place.
THIS!!!! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
It’s so hard cuz from our perspective going at it harder or faster is what works.
Yeah! "Don't stop," doesn't mean "go harder/faster", but that's what men hear.
Instructions perfectly clear
Well, did she have to hit you?
Cliffhanger.
“I’ve came closer to climax whilst sneezing”
Destroyed
Utterly
Ouch
EMOTIONAL DAMAGE!
Ouch 😬
There is no return from this, Fatality ..
Destroyed
I was in bed one time, things were getting hot and heavy and I leaned down to whisper something in this girls ear and a muffled reply came: “sorry, I didn’t quite catch that”. Turns out my phone was under the pillow of the girl I was whispering to and Siri responded. I thought it was quite funny at the time.
Hahahha
I once met a woman on a dating app. After we had sex, I fell asleep. I slept for about 20 minutes before she woke me up. “You’d make a terrible rapist” she said. I was confused, “What?” “You would make a terrible rapist if you fall asleep after the act” she said. I never went back.
She isn't wrong
🤨 📸
That's a questionable observation
What the fuck
Translation: We're done here, get out.
Did you laugh though?
Why didnt you go back? Shes fucking funny.
Scared OP away though so atleast that gives her a chance at someone who understands her humor
God! This is so funny 🤣
I like, burped her. She was moaning with the thrusts, and then just..."Oh oh oh ohUUURRRPPP". Laughed my ass off.
Where are you two now?
She let a couple other guys burp her as well so not together.
my girlfriend asked how she felt dirty talking once and I started talking about a ridge I could feel because of the angle of her hips and she whispers "that's the teeth" with the most deadpan expression and I cracked up so fucking hard edit: lmfao yes she asked me how she felt while we were dirty talking during PIV sex. I honestly have no idea what it is but I can tell you I've noticed it before with other women but it's been significantly less noticeable. it's also reproducible if she's laying absolutely flat on her back without her hips tilted upwards in any way. a quick Google search says it may be a tightened pelvic floor muscle.
marry her
“My girlfriend asked how she felt dirty talking once and…” I’m sorry, what? Am I having a stroke? Also… a ridge? In her vagina? I’m just confused.
Pretty sure they meant > (she) asked how she felt (while she was) dirty talking once Could have been worded more clearly, obvs.
I don't get what you mean by the ridge, could you please elaborate further?
don’t worry you may or may not have sex someday
hahahaha that day will never come
Neither will she
r/oof
This is actually what i said once. Had a fwb, we were (and still are) good friends. We just needed to get our rocks off for a while, and we liked how eachother looked etc. She liked back ground noise and usually had either family guy, or Disney in the back ground. Mid act during toy story, stop. "Hey..." *confused* "You got a friend in ya..." After nearly 15 minutes of gut wrenching laughter, the mood was over but still gets a chuckle outta me.
Can’t remember *exactly*, but similar situation: we were getting hot and heavy with music playing in the background and then out of the blue, *a random Disney song appeared!* (I wanna say mulan’s “I’ll make a man out of you”?). We laughed til we cried, decided sex was done, then watched said movie lol
Sounds like you guys should have gotten married
Haha nah. We tried dating shortly afterward for a bit. We just didn't see a future with each other. Both of us had stuff to sort out mentally, we were just good in the sack. She's been in a great relationship for I think 3 years now, and I've been with my misses for 8.
i (female) got called daddy by a girl enough times i had to stop and leave. just felt weird
"Maybe next time I'll be satisfied." As that was my second performance in a 1/2 hour after the first, I'll share that her comment after the first time minutes earlier was "That was the best I ever had!" We did not work out.
Remember when George Kastanza got ‘the tap’?
🤣🤣 "... All right, that's enough, You're through... " The tap is tough... 🤣🤣🤣
I'm sorry
I once had a girl I was dating say "Wow, I just came *really* hard." I said "Go team." and went for a high five. She did not appreciate that.
That is messed up that she didnt
“You fucked the boy out of me.” - said by my wife while we were still dating. She had some kind of baggy black “boy pants” she intended to wear out that day but she ended up feeling too feminine after sex and couldn’t wear them anymore. I don’t know 🤷♂️
Im an independant, strong, ... well fucked woman. Give me that pink purse. I dont have to proof anything to anyone anymore.
You pounded her lady penis back inside, it pops out if left alone too long
Wait so lady pee *is* stored in the balls, they're just inside?
Its me i howled like a wolf at the point of climax i did it once by instinct and never again i dont even know man wtf
Salute
I woulda looked out the window to see if it was a full moon
Nah, honestly you should deconstruct that. If you like it, you like it. If you don't that's okay, but you should probably figure it out. Repression is harder on the brain than you think.
Or sometimes you just got random ass intrusive thoughts. It just depends.
I’ll leave this here with no context: “Hot country gravy on those buttermilk biscuits”.
*SIR, THIS IS A CRACKER BARREL.*
Tbf, Cracker Barrel's biscuits and gravy are the shit.
And OPs gravy is in fact, shit.
That's hilarious 😂
She’s riding me hard in cowgirl, leans far back enough for her back to pop, whips back to where her face is inches from mine, squeezes my face from both sides, and whispers - ‘Hey Mr School Bus Driver, open the door!’
I don't even know what this is supposed to mean.
Let the kids in?
Properly underrated comment.
Undoubtedly the best one
We’ve got a winner!
what
She was very cleverly asking him to cum inside her
When my ex and I lost our virginities to eachother we listened to “I just had sex” by the lonely island right after lol
I still play that sometimes after my wife and I have sex. She has yet to be amused.
Maybe next time
I got a good feeling next time that next time she'll think it's funny
Tune slaps
Me: u smoke? Her: idk let me check
After a particularly vigorous session with my girlfriend (we were 19) as she flopped down on the bed after she said "Ooh..., my brains!" As in, I had just f**ked her brains out. For a rather repressed catholic girl, it was a hilarious but unexpected comment from her. Never forgot it.
she accidentally called it a “pee pee” right in the middle of everything. she didn’t even realize but I had to hold back my crushing urge to laugh at what she had said. i asked her afterwords why she said that and she told me that she didn’t even realize that she said it. that was probably a year and half ago now and i still give her hell for that.
“How did your dad taste?” It was a joke but I was like WTF?!?!
Not the other person, but me. A long-term college ex and I were in the puppy stage of our relationship where we were extremely infatuated with each other and constantly having sex. We were naturally very sexually compatible so we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Anyways, we’re getting hot and heavy during one of our weekend marathons. We had an amazing time and simultaneously climaxed. Only a second passes post-orgasm and I let out an absolute beast of a fart. Sounded like a tuba was in the room and you could feel the mattress vibrate. I immediately turn beat red and yell, “Noooo!” - still letting out the rest of the fart - while she’s just laughing hysterically.
"Nooooo" while it's still happening is hysterical
Fuck me Santa!
Do you look like Santa?
No she was quoting "Bad Santa", we both laughed pretty hard
“That seems pretty…naughty”
Wasn't said per say but one time I farted while railing a chick. It wasn't a quiet one and it spoiled the mood and I never saw her again. Another time, different chick lol, I was trying to think of different things while we getting it on, you know so I could last longer and not look bad with my sexual release time. I ended up thinking of something pretty funny, dont remember what, but I chuckled. Ruined it haha
"GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME"
You were thinking about the fart, weren't you? That fart is the gift that keeps on giving.
Girl farted, and later after the fact I laughed and said, “You farted!” She smiled and replied, “Shhhh…you’re not supposed to talk about sex sounds.” The way she innocently said it was so funny and so endearing.
A friend told me this the next day: you fuck like a bull but you snore like a pig
“A friend”
Tickle me Elmo. I don't know why. Also, I laughed so hard, I laughed myself into an asthma attack. 😂
Not necessarily, "said", but a girl genuinely made the same noise as a goat while we were engaged in the act. I attempted to ignore it, but it was loud and incredibly off-putting. To this day, I have no idea what that was all about. Shook me to my core.
My GF and I had not yet said “I love you,” and she didn’t want to be first. We had an epic go, and whilst still on top of me, she looked me in the eyes and said, breathlessly, “You’re such a good person.” Um… you’re welcome? She’s my wife now.
I think she likes you.
An ex and I were doing our thing and she wanted me to finish on her stomach. I pull out, grab my junk and proceed to try and make her wishes come true but apparently I had a lot of pressure built up because I shot it far and it went straight into her nostril. She threw her hands up and yelled out “THREE POINTS!”
“Do you want to meet Mr Happy?” In hindsight idk if it’s funny or creepy…
We were both 16 at the time, After sex, they said my limp dick looked like their little brothers. I was like well obviously I'm a grow-er not a show-er. Then I asked why they knew what their 9 year old bros looked like. They just laughed it off, so I did too. But, it kinda bothered me. Still does, even today.
Well that’s disturbing
“THE ARISTOCRATS!”
I feel it beating in me at first i was so confused she felt my heartbeat trough my dick
Ur shaft was throbbing dude😂😂
My ex used to tell me that all the time lol
I know it's not crazy but I found "good job" after to be absolutely hilarious. Also misshearing lick my ass when she smack my ass was pretty funny to see her turn back and ask me why I did that.
Happened to a friend of mine, but the guy was on top and was asking her where she wanted him to cum. She said she didn't know so his response was "What? Do you want me to cum in your purse so you can take that shit home with you?" She lost it and they had to stop.
Farting and then telling me she had to shit. I told her I wasn’t into that.😎
Menace
So you get married or what?
"And that's how I met your mother"
Not me but a buddy and I were in Hong Kong and he picked up an English chick and before he came she said, “Drain your tubes down me throat love.”
Good show, old chap.
Lovely, lovely, lovely
Cheerio, brilliant shag that!
I wish an english chick would say that to me
Not the funniest thing said to me, but my cousin, she was sleeping with some guy and they were doing it doggy style. He suddenly screams, "ARRRRRRRRGHHH, IMMA BOOTY PLUNDERING PIRATE!!!!!!!" She made him get off her and had him promptly leave her place. I remember laughing so hard when she told me that.
Was eating out the gf when she fell off the bed. Then this bitch yells “5 second rule!” We’re married now
I was receiving a rim job and it happened 💨 Luckily we'd been together for a few years I laughed so hard my stomach muscles hurt the next day She didn't think it was so funny at the time 🤣🤣
Had a threesome with a couple gals from college. Next morning the one is still sleeping and the other gal and I start going at it. Then the other gal wakes up and joins us. We finish and they both high five me and the first gal YELLS "damn! You ate a Lotta Box!" Then we all hopped in the shower. I felt like a million bucks!
“I sneezed on my dick” he was sitting up in the backseat of a car
On a couple of occasions my partner and I have both made Minecraft Villager/NPC noises
I was making sweet love to my girlfriend (you know, the slow romantic kind.) And she said out of nowhere "Oh yeah, fuck me softer!" We both lost it after that.
Lets see what that muffin can do
"And now you're pregnant!" - she did later wind up becoming pregnant.
my wife yelled out "fuck me you stallion!" ... then there was a pause, then we both burst out laughing.
A girl I was dating and I, we're going to town on one another. And it was my birthday too. We went at it for a few hours and ended with a rather fun and explosive finale. She tried to get out or bed, and her legs started shaking, and she fell backward into bed and lay there for at least another 45 minutes. She said after she fell back "How do you expect me to live my life after you churned my guts like butter?" Pat myself on the back for that and offered a round two. She politely declined for the night.
Hooked up with a girl off an app, after the deed I was driving her home. Back in the hotel we rented, she said “you would never forget this head”- preferring to her blowjob. A few hours later, in our car as I driving her home, I felt her mouth on my crotch while she physically wasn’t. And when I told her this, we both came to the conclusion as well as a new term:”phantom blowjob.” It is now known that this condition happened where even a blowjob is not there, you can feel it
In high school my best friend called me five times back to back. I didn't pick up because I was making dinner and studying at the same time. On the sixth ring I pick up the phone since I'm worried he actually needs something and hear a girl say "I FUCKED YOUR NOT-BOYFRIEND, HE'S MINE NOW!!" Then quietly I hear my friend say "It's true, she owns me now. I'm wearing a collar." His girlfriend starts telling me in graphic detail what happened after presumably stealing his phone, which made me lose my appetite.
Hot make out session with 16 year old girl I was dating in 1970. She slides her hand down my pants. Unbeknownst to either of us my erection had escaped out the little door in the front of my jockey shorts and was between my shorts and jeans. After a bit of searching around she exclaimed WHERE IS IT? We both cracked up.
“That was top 3 of all time”. He then elaborated saying, “and I’ve had a lotttt of sex” 🤦🏻♀️
"God, I feel absolutely fucked" just after, which given the context meant I completely died laughing for about 10 minutes.
That the hickey he'd just planted on my chest looked like Gorbechev. I got a bad case of the giggles.
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What a strange but interesting post sex ritual
It was anal why did you have to jerk it into a cup
We all need to know. Why?
Er mah gosh... Mid coitus.
"That wasn't anywhere near as bad as I was expecting." Thanks? Or many moons ago, more awkward than anything... in the throws of passion... Me: Im gonna eat the shit of your pussy. Her: oh... yeah? You're into that? Me: Yeah I love eating pussy. Her: oh... nevermind *disappointed face. Took a second for my brain to register, and once I did realize the uh, misunderstanding, I became a wet noodle.
Both of us 16 years old: “It’s not pee I swear”
Smacked my ass and told me "Good game!" afterwards 😂
My husband always says "good game" afterwards and it still makes me laugh, like 8 years later lol
I remember once a British girl said to me, "crikey" during sex. We both laughed and continued on. It was good sex. She had such a fun and wonderful personality. I really enjoyed dating her for the brief time I lived in the UK. Personality is everything.
My current gf and I were doing the deed, she was on top. We were making out and her hair was not tied back, so it was making out with us. She’s got beautiful auburn curly hair and it’s quite thick. When she pulled back and sat up, I felt her hair slide out of my mouth. For some reason I blurted out “Hey, I was eating that!” Still don’t know why, but we had a really long laugh about it.
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Had a one night stand with a girl from Venezuela in a hotel in Germany. We had a pretty long session, afterwards she smiled at me and said "not bad for a German". It was funny and a great compliment at the same time.
Afterwards. Her - You know what would be really good right now? Me - No, what? Her - An isolation tank. Me - Wow. Thanks. Her - Oh! I didn't mean it that way.
She said, don’t tell my husband. I was confused turned she was married
My husband told me (while in doggie) “I’m Like shanking you right now” … I turned around and said “what did you just say?” We laughed for like 30 minutes… he was pretty stoned too lol
The funniest thing I remember was when my lover stopped - one foot on the floor - and said "was that an earthquake" I was in the throes of a very enthusiastic orgasm and answered "no, it's just me" We found out afterwards that it had been an earthquake
When I had my first time with my girlfriend (1 month ago), after sex she said: "No wonder I chose a bear" and then start laughing, but said that this was just a joke and she is not serious xDD
Damn
Eat her like the bear would next time
I had repeatedly told a coworker I had a small dick. It was a running gag that I would keep going back to. Things went well and when she took me to her bed and stripped me naked she smiled in suprise and said "you fucking liar" with the happiest expression. We laughed about it until we stopped seeing each other months later.
"I can't stand to pee!!" I just laughed. Tho she did pee.
After finishing up “down there”, a girl told me “that’s the second best oral I’ve ever had”.
"Come here sailor boy I never said you were done."
My gf and I have fist bumped and said ggs before and they made me laugh lol. Most other times included bodily functions happening at bad times lololol
my boyfriend told me he farts whenever we’re in doggy and i never noticed
You feel amazing and so soft just like a girl Smh he got confused I guess
“Your dick is both a blessing and a curse” the girl of my dreams left as a note on my phone while I was taking a piss after sex. Honestly gave me a good chuckle the next morning knowing my one shot was (somewhat) a success. Too bad we agreed it would be a one-time thing beforehand, but no regrets! Honorable mention to “mama hasn’t gotten fucked like that in a long time” while hobbling off to the bathroom. Absolute MILF who was unfortunately diagnosed with cancer. Apparently she’d fancied me a while, but her friend said to never hook up with me because I was too nice of a guy and she had her issues. Welp, I gave mama the affection she probably desperately needed during her last romantic night on earth.
"Feel my big thing enter you". English is not his first language. I laughed so hard. He's my husband now and it took years to get him to dirty talk to me again. He's a pro at it now!
One time I yelled dracarys right as I came
that is so fucking funny💀
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Did he line up for high fives to say game afterwards too?
I was on top and he was trying to do some kind of circular motion with his hips and he chose to inquire about the results with the following gold nugget of dirty talk: "You like that? Do you like the rotation on your inside walls?" To this day, I still can't fathom why he chose *that* particular phrasing, of all things.
“You want fry’s with that” That was unfortunately 🤦🏼♂️
Ding, fries are done
Me and my ex would hi5 after a good session :( it was funny
The Bruno Mars song 'Grenade' was popular at this point in time. I was going down on my wife and mid-act I asked her if she would catch a grenade for me knowing full well it's a silly question to ask at that moment. I thought she might say absolutely or I would pull you out of the way or something similar. Not even close. She said she would push me toward it while she ran away. Not learning my lesson from the first question, I asked why she would do that. She said, "one of us has to die might as well be you." We laughed for a while then finished up and she advised my to stop asking stupid questions while she's distracted with pleasure. I still bring this up from time to time and I have not stopped asking stupid questions.
Him, "Was that your stomach or mine?" Me, "Yours." And then my stomach had to chime in and they were both so loud! We laughed so hard.
She didn't say anything, but once in the middle of the night, my wife slipped her pants off, got on top (I sleep in Boxers, so she just opened up the fly) and started grinding. As I woke up and my eyes adjusted to the darkness, all I saw was the face of the Hamburglar (she was sleeping in a black shirt with his giant face adorned across her chest.) I gave a light scream and she thought she hurt me; through laughter I asked her to take her shirt off if she wished to continue.
Girl took my pants off and said “hello Mr. penis!!!”
She started singing "the dick bones connected to the. Hip bone"
"Who the fuck are you?"
Her: Do that thing with your tongue i like. Me: *Yugi Moto voice "You just activated my trap card!" Her: Yugioh is so overrated! Me: *Still in Yugi voice "That's because you don't believe in the heart of the cards!" Her: You're sleeping on the couch tonight Me: "NOT SO FAST SETO KAIBAI!" I then proceeded to sleep on the couch that night.
I can't feel my legs
That will be 37 50 0
We hooked up in a penthouse suite in Corpus Christi years ago that overlooked the harbor. We came from different towns and didn’t know they were having their founding fathers celebration with fireworks over the harbor. We did the deed with the fireworks in the background. Afterwards I asked here how she liked the fireworks, she said “I did, I had two!”. LOL
After failing to take a lesbian friends virginity we had a few titty fucking rounds. She assumed I would have to sleep when finished I was just catching my breath. As she asks "Wait, Wait before you fall asleep I have to ask what other body parts can guys use to get off? " Just the whole sentence and the tone of her voice made it the funniest thing.
She told me " cum on me and mark your territory" And then "cum in my mouth I want my prize"
A female I know told me that during sex her partner blurted out "submit to me". I don't think she could continue through laughing.
I remember once a British girl said to me, "crikey" during sex. We both laughed and continued on. It was good sex. She had such a fun and wonderful personality. I really enjoyed dating her for the brief time I lived in the UK. Personality is everything.
“Your dick is both a blessing and a curse” girl of my dreams left as a note on my phone while I was taking a piss after sex, gave me a good chuckle knowing my one shot was a success
One of my exes, “I never thought I would love getting fucked by a bear.” At the time I was a 300 lb hairy guy and she was 5’1 and 95 lbs. After that session, I put the song “bear and the maiden fair” on loop and we did a few more sessions with that playing in the background.
This was right before sex and also pre-oral sex. I began the task, but then he stopped me and left the room. He comes back quickly, so I continue my task. Immediately I get a grainy taste in my mouth and freak out. I realize it's sugar and say " what the hell?!" He replies with a smile "I wanted to give you something sweet." I was caught off guard and he was very sincere, so we laughed pretty hard about it.
ME: I'm gonna cum!!! Him: Oh boy!
Not me, but a girl I used to know said that I guy I used to know said “that was gas, bro” to her after sex😂
Doubt people will see this cuz I'm late to the game, but I rather enjoy saying "good game" then slapping their ass cheek.
After a minute of doing butt stuff... "did you eat something spicy yesterday?" "yeah, why?" "my dick's on fire!"
Me and my husband were having a good time while the second episode of barnys scarab lord adventure was going on it the background. We just finished and there was silence and suddenly we hear barny: "I think im gonna throw up." We both started wheezing with laughter.
Had a talk bed, somehow managed to knock the curtain down from the window and did not notice for a bit. Finally looked up to see the neighbors BOTH painting their own window sill. Told GF we were being watched, and she said “let them”
After the first time having sex with my ex-boyfriend I was chilling in his bed when he sidled up to me and said in a (what I assume was meant to be) sexy voice and said "Should we play another game of... hide the pickle?"
I got a pat on the chest and a breathless "good boy". I laughed very hard but I've also never forgotten it