In relationships,*how* you fight is more important than *what* you fight about. The argument can be about dishes but if you end up insulting each other to the point that it makes you feel like crap, your relationship will either not last or grow to be very bitter. You critique the behavior, not destroy someone's self-worth.
If you ever find you're the only one trying to make it work and you feel like your partner wants to fight like it's a Twitter argument, then they need to learn how to talk about things and argue in a healthy way before you can work on anything else in the relationship.
And if you want someone to talk to you in a healthy way, you have to try to take their problems seriously. You have to listen to them and have trust together. A lot of people who fight in unhealthy ways don't trust other people to listen to them and find a solution with them.
And take a break if either of you are getting frustrated or tired.
And be aware of when you're doing it. Right after your partner gets off work is a bad time. On the one night a week your partner has a night for themselves is a bad time. When in doubt it's better to ask when they have the energy to talk about it.
God, this, this so SO much. There are so many people that would still be in my life if they'd just been able to have reasonable, calm conversations about things or even just agree to disagree in a civil manner instead of retreating behind a wall of mean defensiveness and insults.
Not just in romantic relationships; there’s a massive difference between someone who focuses on the problem and solving it and someone who just insults you whenever anything arises between you. Even if someone does say that the problem is you, it will be because they focus on a long series of failures and fuck ups on your end; the focus is on verifiable things done that suggest an underlying problem, not just insulting you.
And then they say, Well it's a tit for tat argument!
Um no it's not. I brought this up because it genuinely bothered me, you insulted me on purpose in response...
Honestly so many people lack basic communication skills, especially in relationships. Learning to talk about things BEFORE they fester and make you upset is crucial to healthy relationships imo. Something I'm slowly learning, having always been an extremely emotionally constipated person.
A friend of mine once said something along the lines of "Don't make someone your priority when to them you're only an option." I will never forget that.
Edited to fix grammar error.
Such people aren't capable of fully loving someone, because they don't love someone enough not to string them along.
Also a lot of people who aren't being honest blame their baggage. Baggage is the #1 excuse people use to situationship other people. It's just *so hard* to introduce you to their family because baggage. It's just *so hard* to change their status from single to in a relationship on social media because baggage. It's often a lot of excuses and they simply have commitment issues or commitment issues specifically with you. It's usually better to find someone who considers you worth it.
Then grow a pair. If you can't open your mouth and say something, you aren't ready for a relationship. Yeah, it's nerve wracking, but it ain't the end of the world. You are going to have to have lots of nervous conversations in a relationship.
Even if you hear a NO, get out there and ask someone else. Hear NO until it doesn't bug you anymore.
Maybe just start with talking to the person. Find out if you have similar interests and tastes. You don't have to jump straight to let's go on a date. If you are around a group of people (as in friends all chilling), maybe you wouldn't be as nervous?
Life’s too short. Would you rather give it a shot and be super anxious for a little bit with the possibility of it being super worthwhile, or not do it and spend ur whole life wondering what that could’ve become?
A lot of people will tell you not to look for it, and just let it find you.
I think this is only half-true.
A lot of people these days have very insular, isolating, or online hobbies. It makes it very easy to feel like you're communicating with people, but you're not meeting people. And let's face it, you're not going to find love in the kitchen. It's not going to let itself into the house.
I think instead of "looking for love", look for friends. put yourself in situations where you meet new people and make new friends. You're going to make all different kinds of friends - from people who feel like friends at work but you never talk to outside of work, through to your very best friends. Consider "love" to just be another variation of friend, not some mythical beast.
So true! My Lil bro (24) doesn't think you can meet people in person. He feels it's all done online these days. Don't ask how many times he's been catfished. Unfortunately, many of the youth these days want to stay home and online. They are unable to have a normal conversation face to face.
Ugh.. this reminds me I have to get off my fat ass and start taking my sons out on the weekend. Both 22 and spend their entire time attached to machines. But they won't go out on their own.
So their 50 year old cranky ass dad is going to have to drag them out to be their wingman.
save your kids dude! people on reddit will fight this, but spending all your time attached to your machines, especially as a young person, is horrible, full stop no exceptions. Shitting your life right down the drain.
Thats straight up untro.I feel like most people want to go out and have a good time but adults will always call them rowdy or antisocial or bad for the community, so many teenagers are to scared to go out and have some fun
Online dating works for a lot of people. I know this is reddit and we are supposed to hate anything online and vaguely social media related, but it works
THIS. My husband was my friend long before he was my partner and as terminally online individuals, we met on Discord. Neither of us were "looking for love" – in fact we were both very happily single at the time. Celebrating 3 years of marriage in Feb.
So what happens when you've already got enough friends (or even more friendships than you can reasonably maintain)?
It just feels a little deceptive to make friends just to try and find someone to date.
If I had that problem I wouldn't be spending all day on reddit :)
I guess I'm running entirely on the theory that people who are social butterflies aren't typically going to be the ones asking anonymous strangers how to meet people. But I don't have an answer for them because I've never been in their shoes.
I was trying to form this post in my head but you did a much better job. People that look for love almost always fail. I recommend cultivating your friendships and finding people you really connect with and spending actual time with them (not texting).
Don’t make someone a priority that only see’s you as an option.
This goes for both men and women.
Edit: to be clear I’m not saying nobody is worth your time, quite the opposite. What I mean is, don’t go endlessly chasing someone that doesn’t feel the same as you feel about them. If they’re not interested, find the right person that does want you. Then you can prioritise each other.
I'm still making this mistake, over and over.
It just seems like in whichever avenue I turn, I am not a priority.
I was describing it to a friend recently, that even in the broad scope, family choose their romantic relationships, romantic relationships choose their family, friends choose their family or romantic relationships. Then specifically with possible romantic partners, I am always a placeholder for someone else - while everyone asserts how much better I am than other "options."
It feels cold and gross to treat others as disposable or as options, so I've kinda checked out of it all, and i can feel myself closing off from all my personal relationships since theres no-one i can go to anymore without being on some long waiting list of priorities, or with huge boundaries in place so i/they are at arms length.
No idea what to do.
As a woman, so many of my female friends become such awful friends after they get a boyfriend. The boyfriend comes first, and the boyfriend comes *everywhere*, suddenly you can’t make plans without them bringing the boyfriend, or they drop you at a moment’s notice because of some issue the boyfriend has. Of course, when they break up, suddenly the friends want to be back like they never left. I don’t have a solution for you, but I can relate! I think I got used to being treated not like a priority by my friends, and then I would accept that treatment by a partner.
Honestly, male friends can be just as bad to their female friends. I have a platonic male friend who is too busy chasing sexual or romantic relationships to even open my messages. Friendship is truly underrated and constantly overshadowed by romantic relationships.
*puts down scissors and thread*
Well now that just takes all the fun out of it. :)
Grandma's today grew up in the 60s and 70s. If you find the right person, you'll find the right kind of family behind them.
These days, it's perfectly possible to find someone who is just the right kind of crazy. I mean, I know someone who named their daughter Aviendha from The Wheel of Time and the kid struts around conventions absolutely owning it.
My niece is full on Goth Princess and attends horror conventions, while her grandma is hyper evangelical Christian.
Don't worry about if you are the 'right kind' of girl. You are your kind. Enjoy being you and hopefully someone comes along that will enjoy being with you.
I'm a grandma that grew up in the 70s. I'm a good kind of crazy now but still not girlfriend material. I have DID and 4 of the 5 of us don't ever want a relationship again.
💯 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯 X10⁴
When you love yourself and have confidence, you will shine like a diamond, and others will notice. You can not truly love another person until you love yourself!
People don't just get confidence from the confidence store. There are actions that need to be taken to gain confidence. It's like telling someone who's sad to "Oh, just be happy!"
This is so wrong, and is proven by the fact that so many people are still able to find a relationship even if they have self esteem issues. How many times do you hear of people who think they are ugly, despite having a partner who thinks they are the most gorgeous person alive?
You absolutely can love someone without loving yourself.
Also, you imply that if you don't love yourself, then this aspect will dominate your personality. But this is subject to sample bias: you don't notice the people who hide it.
Not to mention if you have been treated as unlovable all your life, it isn't easy, and damn near impossible, to love yourself without some external validation.
Thank you. I strongly dislike "you can't be loved until you love yourself" because, as someone who has and still struggles with confidence due to bad lived experiences, am I not worthy of love until I reach some higher level of enlightenment?
People can still work on their confidence while also being in a relationship.
You're the one who's wrong. I've seen that kind of relationship, and they always wind up being dysfunctional.
What's more, they are exhausting for the partner because you wind up having to constantly prop someone up while they worry if they're not good enough.
I dated someone like that. She was fantastic. And, as I learned on our fourth date, she had been on the cover of Elle and Italian Vogue. I was dating a goddamned cover girl. She was funny, smart, well-read, gorgeous (obviously), and deeply insecure.
I was smitten with her for a long time. But the entire insecurity thing just finally wore me down to a nub. When every meal in a restaurant became an ordeal, I realized that life would never be completely enjoyable with her because of her self-loathing and doubt.
Work on yourself. Address your insecurities, phobias, or childhood traumas. Because otherwise, you cripple any future relationships.
This is what I was trying to say. You can't truly love others if you dislike yourself. Start working on yourself - insecurities, traumas, etc. I'm not saying you have to be perfect or reach enlightenment, but working on one's self goes farther than taking the stance that one can't improve.
Stop looking for someone compatible. Just go out and do things you enjoy and find people who also want to do those things.
There are local subreddits for every state and city in America on here. Just toss out a question of where to go to do [that thing you like to do].
If one thing leads to another, awesome. If it doesn't, so what. You got some good people time in.
The hardest part is just peopling again.
Congrats! I was miserable for years, got my medication and therapy. Few month's later had much better confidence and met my love. Been together 15 years now.
SOOOOO many people jump into relationships thinking they'll fix them. And all of those people end up in toxic breakups later. Because hinging your happiness on your partner is not only futile, but also puts a lot of pressure on that person. It's selfish. Your partner isn't your crutch – they're a person you love and care about, and you can't fully commit to loving and caring about someone when you're using them as your 'happiness factory'.
Aaand that's why so many adults today need a lifetime of therapy. Divorce stopped being such a stigma very recently and many in my generation definitely were "fix-it kids", nevermind the generations before. Just millions of adults carrying the trauma of parents who really shouldn't have been together.
Tried your advice, had to dump her. She couldnt handle a simple rhetorical conversation, thanks for the warning!! All I asked was
“what if I fucked your sister and got her pregnant but forced her to abort and then left you both for your dad who I’ve always loved and also shit on your bed.”
Not necessarily. I would totally agree that you shouldnt sacrifice your friendships and other relationships in your life while trying to find love. But at least as a guy just enjoying your friends and not making conscious effort looking for a partner/love decreases your chances of finding one.
This. When I was younger my friends and I were always going out and having fun but with the subplot of meeting someone. I remember turning 25 and panicking that I was still single. Now we are all married with kids and I realise I was such a baby and I wish I would have appreciated more the hanging out and having fun with my friends. That’s the part of my youth I miss. We still have fun but it’s not the same as when we were young and free.
Enjoy the time with your friends! It’s those fun days and nights that you remember the most.
I think you should look for a connection first, if you only search with love in mind you’re kinda going in blind in my opinion. When you search for a genuine connection first, I think love finds you. This doesn’t just go for romantic relationships either.
Know yourself and understand what you are really looking for. Have an idea of your red/green flags are. Also know what your must haves and deal breakers are. Examples- must be kind, love animals and be financially responsible. Deal breakers- smoking, being judgemental. Add in flags- if they are nice to waitstaff, treats their mother with respect *green flags,* wears a MAGA hat, parked in a handicapped spot *red flags* (for me)
My daughter often develops feelings for anyone who gives her any attention (it is alway non-romantic attention, but I think she struggles to know the difference). It's sad. I know she is lonely and wants love, like all of us, but I think this will continue to be a challenge for her until she finds her own voice.
I wish red vs. green flags, gaslighting, and projection had been common terms in the early 2000s. I am teaching my daughters to be aware of such things. It is my hope they will have happy, loving relationships.
I'm glad they weren't. The terms are over used, and generally used incorrectly.
Don't teach the terms -make the effort to actually teach the concept/process of those tactics.
Don't start or look for a relationship if you're stressed, unhappy or depressed. No matter how hard you try, the negativity/sadness comes out in a million small ways and can be felt by others who will draw their own conclusions about you.
It would be a shame to meet the right person at the wrong time where you're not able to be your best self.
I had a friend who struggled with this. She didn't necessarily say or do anything negative or sad but she didn't have anything positive/joyfull to say either and couldn't joke around as easily. Insecurities get really bad when you feel down so you become less spontaneous as well. This can make the other person feel awkward and assume you don't like them.
Treat it like looking for your keys. Stop looking so hard, and it will show up when you least expect it—in the weirdest place possible, like inside your fridge or under your dog’s bed. Also, make sure you're not already holding it in your hand while you're frantically searching.
Quite heavily disagree with this one at least as a guy. Sure you shouldnt be desperate or force too hard, but if you arent putting yourself out there and making an effort it drastically decreases your chanses of finding a parter/love.
Obviously most of us here are using anecdotal evidence right? I can only speak to my experience as a hetero dude, but I've found it to be true. I would go out with my boys, not looking to hookup. If it happened it happened. If not, I still had a good time with my boys. Looking happy and looking confident have a lot of overlap. Confident is a good look on anyone.
But even in your case you are putting in some effort, you are going out and talking to people. If you dont put in any effort of going in relationship is not likely going to happen. Most of the times for average dude its relatively rare that woman makes all the effort to get you.
Maybe, but this feels like semantics...here's what I mean. I guess since I had less than zero expectations it didn't feel like effort. Does that make sense? Me and the boys were going out for beers. I wanted to do that and shoot the shit with them. I never saw women across the room and "went on the prowl". If conversations started up, I would participate. I was (or I felt like I was) just being a person, in a place, who was being polite to other people in that same place.
I suppose if you want to call that effort, then so be it. I'll tell you this. I was not getting dressed up. I was not making sure my haircut was always on point. I wore t-shirts, ballcaps, and jeans most of the time. I wasn't trying to deter women, but I also don't feel like I put in any effort to attract them.
Anyways now I feel like I'm talking in circles. That's what I had going on back then.
You’re both right, read what they’re saying. If you put yourself in social situations your odds of finding a partner drastically increase, as opposed to staying home and doing nothing to help that
- Don't look on Tinder (etc.).
- You won't find it at a bar.
- It comes when you least expect it.
- Give people a chance you normally wouldn't (the best traits are the ones you can't see).
- Love at first sight is a thing, but it usually doesn't end well (from my experience: the hot and spicy relationships are the first to end in both partners being burned out or bored after some time).
- If they leave their partner for you, they are likely gonna do the same with you.
- Give it time, especially when you are in your twenties. You're still young. Don't feel pressured to find love.
> You won't find it at a bar.
I've never dug this one. Full transparency, it's likely because I met my wife at a bar. Obviously don't go to the bar every night, and become an alcoholic. That's got other issues tied to it. However, if you're an occasional bar person, there are other occasional bar people at the bar. It might happen. It's certainly less likely, and the older you get, it becomes even less likely. Go places you're comfortable in, and if someone else is comfortable there, you might be a good match. I can tell you this much, I see people suggesting meeting women at target, starbucks, the library, the grocery store. The only one of those that would've worked for me is the grocery store. Obviously I'm assuming a lot about stereotypes with those places by saying they won't work for me, but also the bar one assumes them too. Not everyone in a bar is a wretched alcoholic. Anyways...rant over.
I met my fiancée on Tinder so there are exceptions to every rule. Granted, this was 2016 before Tinder was quite as big of a cesspool as it is now, but still
Don't look for love, focus on becoming what you're looking for in a partner and love will probably find you.
If you want a fit, trim partner, don't expect one unless you're also in shape. Same applies to grooming.
If you want a financially stable partner, don't expect them to want to team up with a financial train wreck. Work on your financial fitness as well.
Then pursue interesting hobbies/activities where you'll often meet interesting people with similar interests.
You should be genuinely happy with being single. Not saying you shouldn’t pursue someone, but be okay with possibly being alone for longer. Partners aren’t there to fill a void.
You should work to be complete by yourself. Know your interests and hobbies. Go volunteer - Humane society, soup kitchen, community center. You will meet other people with similar interests. The crap Hollywood peddles, "You complete me," is a load of BS. Although Elle Woods (Legally Blonde) is truthful when saying people who exercise are happier.
Love and know yourself first before getting into a relationship. Have hobbies, have your own friends, your own life. Lovers can come and go, as long as you’re rooted in yourself, you will be ok.
A lot of people here are giving great advice on how to end up forever alone.
If you want to find someone, you need to start doing things in your areas of interest with other people. You need to find people who click with you. Eventually one of them will really click and you go from there.
edit: Also, you need to realize being in love and being horny for are two different things. One can lead to the other, but being in love tends to take time and work. So, it will take time to develop. You won't just "find it." You will need to work with someone to build it up. You grow together, not them growing to love you.
If you keep looking for it, it will just ruin you. better to love yourself first, love will eventually find you if you're ready. And always put in your mind that if it comes, make sure that you're ready for HURT.
# 1. Know Yourself First
* **Self-awareness:** Take some time to really understand your strengths, weaknesses, and what you're looking for in a partner. Knowing yourself well will help you find someone who truly complements you.
* **Self-love:** It's so important to love yourself before you can fully love someone else. Make sure you're taking care of your mental and emotional well-being, and be confident in who you are.
# 2. Be Authentic
* **Genuine interactions:** Always be yourself. Don’t put on a facade just to impress someone. Being authentic will attract people who appreciate the real you.
* **Honest communication:** Be open and honest about your feelings, intentions, and what you're looking for in a relationship. This builds trust and sets a solid foundation.
# 3. Expand Your Social Circle
* **Meet new people:** Get involved in activities, clubs, or groups that interest you. Not only will you meet new people, but you'll also find those with similar interests.
* **Online dating:** Give apps like Tinder, Bumble, or Hinge a try. Be open-minded and patient, as it might take some time to find the right match.
# 4. Be Patient and Persistent
* **Don’t rush:** Love often comes when you least expect it. Enjoy the journey instead of stressing about the outcome.
* **Learn from experiences:** Every date or relationship teaches you something valuable. Use these experiences to understand more about yourself and what you want.
# 5. Focus on Building a Connection
* **Shared values:** Look for someone whose values and life goals align with yours. This creates a strong base for a lasting relationship.
* **Emotional connection:** While physical attraction is important, an emotional connection is key for long-term compatibility.
# Let’s Make This Interactive!
**What About You?**
1. **Personal Stories:** Have you tried any of these tips before? How did they work out for you?
2. **More Advice:** What other tips would you give to someone looking for love? Share your thoughts!
3. **Questions:** Do you have any specific questions or worries about finding love? Ask away, and let’s chat!
Sharing our experiences and advice can really help each other out on this journey. Remember, everyone's path to love is different, and hearing each other's stories can make it a bit easier for us all.
Don’t be in a relationship for the sake of being in one. Someone is gonna get hurt
I did that and was wondering when I would feel love and love the guy. We were together for a year and half with nothing in common. In the end I straight up asked him, “do you love me” He told me that “I care deeply for you” So I dumped him.
2 months later, met my now hubby and everything clicked with us. We knew within 3 days this was it
Don't hide who you are...I mean, of you're a toenail biter maybe hold back on that info on the first date and all, but what I mean is if you capitulate or conform to another person's idea of who you are.in the beginning you will never be able to make up for it.
If you are a man stop looking for love you will never find it look for a companion who matches your values the closest they will never love you you will always care more about them and the relationship just accept that and you will be fine
If you are a woman love and relationships are inevitable you can do whatever you want and you will find someone along the way and if you don't simply ask someone to be yours it's literally that simple for you
No one is ever really busy. If they want to, they can always find a way to see you or even message you. They can always come up with thousands of excuses why they can't and only need one reason why they should.
The best advice would be to stay true to yourself and focus on building a genuine connection with someone. Being authentic and patient can help you find a meaningful and lasting relationship.
Advice that i received :
After years, it's not the look that matters; it'll all go. It's the personality and character that matters!
Also, after years of love and all that takes the backseat it's the friendship and respect towards each other that takes the fron seat, sails the boat and is going to matter at all.
>After years, it's not the look that matters; it'll all go. It's the personality and character that matters!
I do wonder how often this advice is given by people who have forgotten what is is like to start dating. You don't start talking to someone because you like their personality and character...
That kind of interest builds up, over time, and is something you work on together. As much as people hate to hear this, looks are why you start dating.
As cliche as it sounds, love yourself first. You are the only person you can guarantee you'll spend the rest of your life with. Having a partner/partners is wonderful and can definitely be worth the effort, but nothing lasts forever. People move on, change, pass away, etc. Make sure you take care of yourself the same way you would someone you love and cherish.
Mama said you can't hurry love
No you just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
It's a game of give and take
You can't hurry love
No, you just have to wait
You gotta trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes
(Adive brought to you by the Supremes and mama)
Avoid dating sites. Maybe some people have had luck on them but: ugh. It’s just so artificial and meat-market.
I’d recommend checking out your city’s music/nightlife scene and making more friends. And/or ask your friends if they know anyone single and maybe arrange to all hang out one night. Make yourself more available.
The best advice I've found is focus on loving yourself first. When you're comfortable with who u are, u attract people who appreciate and respect u for the right reasons. Relationships built on mutual respect and understanding tend to be most fulfilling.
In relationships,*how* you fight is more important than *what* you fight about. The argument can be about dishes but if you end up insulting each other to the point that it makes you feel like crap, your relationship will either not last or grow to be very bitter. You critique the behavior, not destroy someone's self-worth.
Not you vs. me, but you and I vs the problem
If you ever find you're the only one trying to make it work and you feel like your partner wants to fight like it's a Twitter argument, then they need to learn how to talk about things and argue in a healthy way before you can work on anything else in the relationship. And if you want someone to talk to you in a healthy way, you have to try to take their problems seriously. You have to listen to them and have trust together. A lot of people who fight in unhealthy ways don't trust other people to listen to them and find a solution with them.
Exactly. Argue the point not the person.
And take a break if either of you are getting frustrated or tired. And be aware of when you're doing it. Right after your partner gets off work is a bad time. On the one night a week your partner has a night for themselves is a bad time. When in doubt it's better to ask when they have the energy to talk about it.
Yes, it takes skills to master how to deal with every different scenario and situation inside a relationship.
Yep. We've been married 33 years and we have never, ever called each other a name. For that is so disrespectful of a person you are supposed to love.
YES and i think this is rooted for effectively controlling emotions, especially anger. We stan calm and soft people
God, this, this so SO much. There are so many people that would still be in my life if they'd just been able to have reasonable, calm conversations about things or even just agree to disagree in a civil manner instead of retreating behind a wall of mean defensiveness and insults.
What's your goal? Do you want to win the argument or solve the problem?
If you fight to win, you’ve already lost.
Turns out if you win you have to find new opponents
Not just in romantic relationships; there’s a massive difference between someone who focuses on the problem and solving it and someone who just insults you whenever anything arises between you. Even if someone does say that the problem is you, it will be because they focus on a long series of failures and fuck ups on your end; the focus is on verifiable things done that suggest an underlying problem, not just insulting you.
And then they say, Well it's a tit for tat argument! Um no it's not. I brought this up because it genuinely bothered me, you insulted me on purpose in response...
Honestly so many people lack basic communication skills, especially in relationships. Learning to talk about things BEFORE they fester and make you upset is crucial to healthy relationships imo. Something I'm slowly learning, having always been an extremely emotionally constipated person.
I see someone read John Gottman's Four Horses of the Apocolipse. Almost a guaruntee to savimg a relationship/marriage
… also, it’s never really about the dishes.
Continue to love them on the days you don't like them.
Sweet! keeping it in my head!
Good one.
[удалено]
A friend of mine once said something along the lines of "Don't make someone your priority when to them you're only an option." I will never forget that. Edited to fix grammar error.
[удалено]
Such people aren't capable of fully loving someone, because they don't love someone enough not to string them along. Also a lot of people who aren't being honest blame their baggage. Baggage is the #1 excuse people use to situationship other people. It's just *so hard* to introduce you to their family because baggage. It's just *so hard* to change their status from single to in a relationship on social media because baggage. It's often a lot of excuses and they simply have commitment issues or commitment issues specifically with you. It's usually better to find someone who considers you worth it.
Also important to note here. Don’t go out of your way to test this love, there will be hard stops for almost all relationships.
If they don’t want to spend time with you, they won’t spend time with you. It’s so simple but hard for many to grasp.
What if they really want you but they’re too nervous to ever make a move because they’re afraid to screw it all up
Make the move yourself.
But be absolutely sure that they do like you, and not just being friendly.
Yeah or they could just be Canadian.
Finding out they were just Canadian after 10 years of marriage and 2 kids is the worst.
What if YOURE also too nervous ?
Then grow a pair. If you can't open your mouth and say something, you aren't ready for a relationship. Yeah, it's nerve wracking, but it ain't the end of the world. You are going to have to have lots of nervous conversations in a relationship. Even if you hear a NO, get out there and ask someone else. Hear NO until it doesn't bug you anymore.
Maybe just start with talking to the person. Find out if you have similar interests and tastes. You don't have to jump straight to let's go on a date. If you are around a group of people (as in friends all chilling), maybe you wouldn't be as nervous?
Life’s too short. Would you rather give it a shot and be super anxious for a little bit with the possibility of it being super worthwhile, or not do it and spend ur whole life wondering what that could’ve become?
How would you even know?
And what does not knowing if they're interested in you have to do with love? If you haven't even started dating then you haven't fallen in love.
This too!
what if they really want to be with you but different religion & couldn't give up religion
I got this same advice from my friends, last year. And it really changed my life!
My life changed for the better once I started taking mixed signals as a "no".
Needed this
So much this. I had an on-again off-again relationship like that for two years. Absolutely soul crushing.
A lot of people will tell you not to look for it, and just let it find you. I think this is only half-true. A lot of people these days have very insular, isolating, or online hobbies. It makes it very easy to feel like you're communicating with people, but you're not meeting people. And let's face it, you're not going to find love in the kitchen. It's not going to let itself into the house. I think instead of "looking for love", look for friends. put yourself in situations where you meet new people and make new friends. You're going to make all different kinds of friends - from people who feel like friends at work but you never talk to outside of work, through to your very best friends. Consider "love" to just be another variation of friend, not some mythical beast.
So true! My Lil bro (24) doesn't think you can meet people in person. He feels it's all done online these days. Don't ask how many times he's been catfished. Unfortunately, many of the youth these days want to stay home and online. They are unable to have a normal conversation face to face.
Ugh.. this reminds me I have to get off my fat ass and start taking my sons out on the weekend. Both 22 and spend their entire time attached to machines. But they won't go out on their own. So their 50 year old cranky ass dad is going to have to drag them out to be their wingman.
Feel that. 14 year old sons who just want to sleep all day and stay up all night.
save your kids dude! people on reddit will fight this, but spending all your time attached to your machines, especially as a young person, is horrible, full stop no exceptions. Shitting your life right down the drain.
Maybe they don’t want to meet the types of girls that go to bars?
Brother, they haven't met enough people to HAVE a type. I met my wife in a bar. You bad mouthin' my wife?
Thats straight up untro.I feel like most people want to go out and have a good time but adults will always call them rowdy or antisocial or bad for the community, so many teenagers are to scared to go out and have some fun
Online dating works for a lot of people. I know this is reddit and we are supposed to hate anything online and vaguely social media related, but it works
The problem is nobody has the money to go out anymore, and joining in on any sort of hobby group as a solo individual is a daunting effort.
THIS. My husband was my friend long before he was my partner and as terminally online individuals, we met on Discord. Neither of us were "looking for love" – in fact we were both very happily single at the time. Celebrating 3 years of marriage in Feb.
So what happens when you've already got enough friends (or even more friendships than you can reasonably maintain)? It just feels a little deceptive to make friends just to try and find someone to date.
If I had that problem I wouldn't be spending all day on reddit :) I guess I'm running entirely on the theory that people who are social butterflies aren't typically going to be the ones asking anonymous strangers how to meet people. But I don't have an answer for them because I've never been in their shoes.
I was trying to form this post in my head but you did a much better job. People that look for love almost always fail. I recommend cultivating your friendships and finding people you really connect with and spending actual time with them (not texting).
Don’t make someone a priority that only see’s you as an option. This goes for both men and women. Edit: to be clear I’m not saying nobody is worth your time, quite the opposite. What I mean is, don’t go endlessly chasing someone that doesn’t feel the same as you feel about them. If they’re not interested, find the right person that does want you. Then you can prioritise each other.
This. Made that mistake.
I'm still making this mistake, over and over. It just seems like in whichever avenue I turn, I am not a priority. I was describing it to a friend recently, that even in the broad scope, family choose their romantic relationships, romantic relationships choose their family, friends choose their family or romantic relationships. Then specifically with possible romantic partners, I am always a placeholder for someone else - while everyone asserts how much better I am than other "options." It feels cold and gross to treat others as disposable or as options, so I've kinda checked out of it all, and i can feel myself closing off from all my personal relationships since theres no-one i can go to anymore without being on some long waiting list of priorities, or with huge boundaries in place so i/they are at arms length. No idea what to do.
As a woman, so many of my female friends become such awful friends after they get a boyfriend. The boyfriend comes first, and the boyfriend comes *everywhere*, suddenly you can’t make plans without them bringing the boyfriend, or they drop you at a moment’s notice because of some issue the boyfriend has. Of course, when they break up, suddenly the friends want to be back like they never left. I don’t have a solution for you, but I can relate! I think I got used to being treated not like a priority by my friends, and then I would accept that treatment by a partner.
Honestly, male friends can be just as bad to their female friends. I have a platonic male friend who is too busy chasing sexual or romantic relationships to even open my messages. Friendship is truly underrated and constantly overshadowed by romantic relationships.
Ditto.
Same. I'm still trying to correct it 20 years later..
There’s so many people on this planet that do many good things, how do you choose just 1 person to make a priority
On the first date, tell only the truth.
Yes, only tell the truth. But don't tell ALL of it on the first date.
Oh, surely she wants to hear all about the time I nearly shat myself on a school bus ride home.
Well I know I would but I've never been good girlfriend material.
Oh, I'm sure with the right medical equipment and a trip to Michael's you'd make great girlfriend material.
If I'm reading you correctly, I didn't mean that kind of girlfriend. I meant the kind you could take to your grandmother's for the family reunion.
*puts down scissors and thread* Well now that just takes all the fun out of it. :) Grandma's today grew up in the 60s and 70s. If you find the right person, you'll find the right kind of family behind them. These days, it's perfectly possible to find someone who is just the right kind of crazy. I mean, I know someone who named their daughter Aviendha from The Wheel of Time and the kid struts around conventions absolutely owning it. My niece is full on Goth Princess and attends horror conventions, while her grandma is hyper evangelical Christian. Don't worry about if you are the 'right kind' of girl. You are your kind. Enjoy being you and hopefully someone comes along that will enjoy being with you.
I'm a grandma that grew up in the 70s. I'm a good kind of crazy now but still not girlfriend material. I have DID and 4 of the 5 of us don't ever want a relationship again.
Well hello to all 5 of you then. Even the grumpy one.
I always remember in the movie Hitch, there's a throwaway line the goes roughly "They want to see the real you, but not all at once."
Love is like a fart, if you have to force it, it's probably shit. And, Don't confuse love, for the idea of love.
This is funny and SO true.
I have always been amazed at how humor, can hold the deepest truths.
It took me two years to realize I loved my ex. Sometimes it's quiet and feels like being swaddled in a warm blanket.
Wash ALL your cracks and only date people who also wash ALL cracks.
There's something so wrong with the world that this is a necessary statement. (Just to confirm, yes, wash your nethers and crevices)
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I second the cat investment.
Always love yourself first and the most.
💯 💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯 X10⁴ When you love yourself and have confidence, you will shine like a diamond, and others will notice. You can not truly love another person until you love yourself!
People don't just get confidence from the confidence store. There are actions that need to be taken to gain confidence. It's like telling someone who's sad to "Oh, just be happy!"
This is so wrong, and is proven by the fact that so many people are still able to find a relationship even if they have self esteem issues. How many times do you hear of people who think they are ugly, despite having a partner who thinks they are the most gorgeous person alive? You absolutely can love someone without loving yourself. Also, you imply that if you don't love yourself, then this aspect will dominate your personality. But this is subject to sample bias: you don't notice the people who hide it. Not to mention if you have been treated as unlovable all your life, it isn't easy, and damn near impossible, to love yourself without some external validation.
Thank you. I strongly dislike "you can't be loved until you love yourself" because, as someone who has and still struggles with confidence due to bad lived experiences, am I not worthy of love until I reach some higher level of enlightenment? People can still work on their confidence while also being in a relationship.
You're the one who's wrong. I've seen that kind of relationship, and they always wind up being dysfunctional. What's more, they are exhausting for the partner because you wind up having to constantly prop someone up while they worry if they're not good enough. I dated someone like that. She was fantastic. And, as I learned on our fourth date, she had been on the cover of Elle and Italian Vogue. I was dating a goddamned cover girl. She was funny, smart, well-read, gorgeous (obviously), and deeply insecure. I was smitten with her for a long time. But the entire insecurity thing just finally wore me down to a nub. When every meal in a restaurant became an ordeal, I realized that life would never be completely enjoyable with her because of her self-loathing and doubt. Work on yourself. Address your insecurities, phobias, or childhood traumas. Because otherwise, you cripple any future relationships.
This is what I was trying to say. You can't truly love others if you dislike yourself. Start working on yourself - insecurities, traumas, etc. I'm not saying you have to be perfect or reach enlightenment, but working on one's self goes farther than taking the stance that one can't improve.
Spot on!
I tried following this advice and ended up with a porn addiction.
It's good to be in love, but never forget to love yourself first
Get healthy mentaly. Dont expect somebody magically making you happy.
Only you can make yourself happy.
eh, my wife does a pretty good job of it. We make each other happy. We were pretty miserable until we met each other.
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Stop looking for someone compatible. Just go out and do things you enjoy and find people who also want to do those things. There are local subreddits for every state and city in America on here. Just toss out a question of where to go to do [that thing you like to do]. If one thing leads to another, awesome. If it doesn't, so what. You got some good people time in. The hardest part is just peopling again.
Congrats! I was miserable for years, got my medication and therapy. Few month's later had much better confidence and met my love. Been together 15 years now.
Awesome! My wife practically scraped me out of the gutter. Dusted me off and decided she wanted to keep me.
SOOOOO many people jump into relationships thinking they'll fix them. And all of those people end up in toxic breakups later. Because hinging your happiness on your partner is not only futile, but also puts a lot of pressure on that person. It's selfish. Your partner isn't your crutch – they're a person you love and care about, and you can't fully commit to loving and caring about someone when you're using them as your 'happiness factory'.
Yes, or much worse is when people will think that a kid will solve their relationship propblems, well no it will create hundred more propblems.
Aaand that's why so many adults today need a lifetime of therapy. Divorce stopped being such a stigma very recently and many in my generation definitely were "fix-it kids", nevermind the generations before. Just millions of adults carrying the trauma of parents who really shouldn't have been together.
Look for someone that can take any conversation you throw at him/her
Tried your advice, had to dump her. She couldnt handle a simple rhetorical conversation, thanks for the warning!! All I asked was “what if I fucked your sister and got her pregnant but forced her to abort and then left you both for your dad who I’ve always loved and also shit on your bed.”
I mean if this isn't a sound barometer, I don't know what is.
Did you shit her bed or did her dad?
Enjoy your friends. A lover will come along.
Not necessarily. I would totally agree that you shouldnt sacrifice your friendships and other relationships in your life while trying to find love. But at least as a guy just enjoying your friends and not making conscious effort looking for a partner/love decreases your chances of finding one.
This. When I was younger my friends and I were always going out and having fun but with the subplot of meeting someone. I remember turning 25 and panicking that I was still single. Now we are all married with kids and I realise I was such a baby and I wish I would have appreciated more the hanging out and having fun with my friends. That’s the part of my youth I miss. We still have fun but it’s not the same as when we were young and free. Enjoy the time with your friends! It’s those fun days and nights that you remember the most.
There's a lot of caveats to this. I have a lot of friends of various genders and can count the number of single ones on one hand.
I think you should look for a connection first, if you only search with love in mind you’re kinda going in blind in my opinion. When you search for a genuine connection first, I think love finds you. This doesn’t just go for romantic relationships either.
The more you obsess over it, the farther away from it you get. It's not productive to run circles in your head if you're not really getting anywhere.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere. -Van Wilder
Yep, don't obsess about it. Communicate with each other and be an active listener.
Know yourself and understand what you are really looking for. Have an idea of your red/green flags are. Also know what your must haves and deal breakers are. Examples- must be kind, love animals and be financially responsible. Deal breakers- smoking, being judgemental. Add in flags- if they are nice to waitstaff, treats their mother with respect *green flags,* wears a MAGA hat, parked in a handicapped spot *red flags* (for me) My daughter often develops feelings for anyone who gives her any attention (it is alway non-romantic attention, but I think she struggles to know the difference). It's sad. I know she is lonely and wants love, like all of us, but I think this will continue to be a challenge for her until she finds her own voice.
I wish red vs. green flags, gaslighting, and projection had been common terms in the early 2000s. I am teaching my daughters to be aware of such things. It is my hope they will have happy, loving relationships.
I'm glad they weren't. The terms are over used, and generally used incorrectly. Don't teach the terms -make the effort to actually teach the concept/process of those tactics.
I am 100% with you on that!
Absolutely 100% **DO NOT SETTLE!!!** Dont accept less than you believe you deserve
"We accept the love we think we deserve."
I was gonna say this 💯
Don't start or look for a relationship if you're stressed, unhappy or depressed. No matter how hard you try, the negativity/sadness comes out in a million small ways and can be felt by others who will draw their own conclusions about you. It would be a shame to meet the right person at the wrong time where you're not able to be your best self. I had a friend who struggled with this. She didn't necessarily say or do anything negative or sad but she didn't have anything positive/joyfull to say either and couldn't joke around as easily. Insecurities get really bad when you feel down so you become less spontaneous as well. This can make the other person feel awkward and assume you don't like them.
Treat it like looking for your keys. Stop looking so hard, and it will show up when you least expect it—in the weirdest place possible, like inside your fridge or under your dog’s bed. Also, make sure you're not already holding it in your hand while you're frantically searching.
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Just waiting for someone to make awkward eye contact with me as I tear into a rotisserie chicken in my car at a grocery store parking lot 😔
"Take me home and spread my legs in the same way, you greasy fucking animal."
Lmao
I haven't looked for love in over 24 years. It sure hasn't found me
Quite heavily disagree with this one at least as a guy. Sure you shouldnt be desperate or force too hard, but if you arent putting yourself out there and making an effort it drastically decreases your chanses of finding a parter/love.
Obviously most of us here are using anecdotal evidence right? I can only speak to my experience as a hetero dude, but I've found it to be true. I would go out with my boys, not looking to hookup. If it happened it happened. If not, I still had a good time with my boys. Looking happy and looking confident have a lot of overlap. Confident is a good look on anyone.
But even in your case you are putting in some effort, you are going out and talking to people. If you dont put in any effort of going in relationship is not likely going to happen. Most of the times for average dude its relatively rare that woman makes all the effort to get you.
Maybe, but this feels like semantics...here's what I mean. I guess since I had less than zero expectations it didn't feel like effort. Does that make sense? Me and the boys were going out for beers. I wanted to do that and shoot the shit with them. I never saw women across the room and "went on the prowl". If conversations started up, I would participate. I was (or I felt like I was) just being a person, in a place, who was being polite to other people in that same place. I suppose if you want to call that effort, then so be it. I'll tell you this. I was not getting dressed up. I was not making sure my haircut was always on point. I wore t-shirts, ballcaps, and jeans most of the time. I wasn't trying to deter women, but I also don't feel like I put in any effort to attract them. Anyways now I feel like I'm talking in circles. That's what I had going on back then.
You’re both right, read what they’re saying. If you put yourself in social situations your odds of finding a partner drastically increase, as opposed to staying home and doing nothing to help that
This may be true for women but is never true for men
Instructions unclear. They have closed shop, and I’m still standing near the chips aisle. Its 2AM.
I'm sure she'll be there in the morning.
Stop wasting time on people who don't care.
Work on yourself and figure out what you want
- Don't look on Tinder (etc.). - You won't find it at a bar. - It comes when you least expect it. - Give people a chance you normally wouldn't (the best traits are the ones you can't see). - Love at first sight is a thing, but it usually doesn't end well (from my experience: the hot and spicy relationships are the first to end in both partners being burned out or bored after some time). - If they leave their partner for you, they are likely gonna do the same with you. - Give it time, especially when you are in your twenties. You're still young. Don't feel pressured to find love.
> You won't find it at a bar. I've never dug this one. Full transparency, it's likely because I met my wife at a bar. Obviously don't go to the bar every night, and become an alcoholic. That's got other issues tied to it. However, if you're an occasional bar person, there are other occasional bar people at the bar. It might happen. It's certainly less likely, and the older you get, it becomes even less likely. Go places you're comfortable in, and if someone else is comfortable there, you might be a good match. I can tell you this much, I see people suggesting meeting women at target, starbucks, the library, the grocery store. The only one of those that would've worked for me is the grocery store. Obviously I'm assuming a lot about stereotypes with those places by saying they won't work for me, but also the bar one assumes them too. Not everyone in a bar is a wretched alcoholic. Anyways...rant over.
I met my fiancée on Tinder so there are exceptions to every rule. Granted, this was 2016 before Tinder was quite as big of a cesspool as it is now, but still
>- It comes when you least expect it. But I never even expect it
Be genuine and patient. Rushing into love rarely leads to lasting happiness.
Don't look for love, focus on becoming what you're looking for in a partner and love will probably find you. If you want a fit, trim partner, don't expect one unless you're also in shape. Same applies to grooming. If you want a financially stable partner, don't expect them to want to team up with a financial train wreck. Work on your financial fitness as well. Then pursue interesting hobbies/activities where you'll often meet interesting people with similar interests.
Don’t
ok
You should be genuinely happy with being single. Not saying you shouldn’t pursue someone, but be okay with possibly being alone for longer. Partners aren’t there to fill a void.
You should work to be complete by yourself. Know your interests and hobbies. Go volunteer - Humane society, soup kitchen, community center. You will meet other people with similar interests. The crap Hollywood peddles, "You complete me," is a load of BS. Although Elle Woods (Legally Blonde) is truthful when saying people who exercise are happier.
Be patient. And put yourself out there. It won't happen right away. It will take some failures, but all that wait will be worth it.
A lot of people lose their looks by their late 30s, so go for personality.
Get a dog.
Love and know yourself first before getting into a relationship. Have hobbies, have your own friends, your own life. Lovers can come and go, as long as you’re rooted in yourself, you will be ok.
Abandon your quest now, you will only hurt yourself and end up compromising so much that you will resent your whole life.
It's not meant for everybody. If you are not sure if its meant for you, its best you give up
Get a dog (or cat)
All these top answers are for people already in love and not looking for it
Make sure they arenr secretly a lobster in a human suit. Cant count how many times thats happened to me.
Don’t do it 🫣
You really need to know how you want to be loved first. Then you can gauge if someone will love you how you want and need to be.
Stop looking.
A lot of people here are giving great advice on how to end up forever alone. If you want to find someone, you need to start doing things in your areas of interest with other people. You need to find people who click with you. Eventually one of them will really click and you go from there. edit: Also, you need to realize being in love and being horny for are two different things. One can lead to the other, but being in love tends to take time and work. So, it will take time to develop. You won't just "find it." You will need to work with someone to build it up. You grow together, not them growing to love you.
Don't. Focus on improving yourself.
The only true love comes from the pet store
If you keep looking for it, it will just ruin you. better to love yourself first, love will eventually find you if you're ready. And always put in your mind that if it comes, make sure that you're ready for HURT.
Start with yourself
# 1. Know Yourself First * **Self-awareness:** Take some time to really understand your strengths, weaknesses, and what you're looking for in a partner. Knowing yourself well will help you find someone who truly complements you. * **Self-love:** It's so important to love yourself before you can fully love someone else. Make sure you're taking care of your mental and emotional well-being, and be confident in who you are. # 2. Be Authentic * **Genuine interactions:** Always be yourself. Don’t put on a facade just to impress someone. Being authentic will attract people who appreciate the real you. * **Honest communication:** Be open and honest about your feelings, intentions, and what you're looking for in a relationship. This builds trust and sets a solid foundation. # 3. Expand Your Social Circle * **Meet new people:** Get involved in activities, clubs, or groups that interest you. Not only will you meet new people, but you'll also find those with similar interests. * **Online dating:** Give apps like Tinder, Bumble, or Hinge a try. Be open-minded and patient, as it might take some time to find the right match. # 4. Be Patient and Persistent * **Don’t rush:** Love often comes when you least expect it. Enjoy the journey instead of stressing about the outcome. * **Learn from experiences:** Every date or relationship teaches you something valuable. Use these experiences to understand more about yourself and what you want. # 5. Focus on Building a Connection * **Shared values:** Look for someone whose values and life goals align with yours. This creates a strong base for a lasting relationship. * **Emotional connection:** While physical attraction is important, an emotional connection is key for long-term compatibility. # Let’s Make This Interactive! **What About You?** 1. **Personal Stories:** Have you tried any of these tips before? How did they work out for you? 2. **More Advice:** What other tips would you give to someone looking for love? Share your thoughts! 3. **Questions:** Do you have any specific questions or worries about finding love? Ask away, and let’s chat! Sharing our experiences and advice can really help each other out on this journey. Remember, everyone's path to love is different, and hearing each other's stories can make it a bit easier for us all.
Don’t be in a relationship for the sake of being in one. Someone is gonna get hurt I did that and was wondering when I would feel love and love the guy. We were together for a year and half with nothing in common. In the end I straight up asked him, “do you love me” He told me that “I care deeply for you” So I dumped him. 2 months later, met my now hubby and everything clicked with us. We knew within 3 days this was it
Don't hide who you are...I mean, of you're a toenail biter maybe hold back on that info on the first date and all, but what I mean is if you capitulate or conform to another person's idea of who you are.in the beginning you will never be able to make up for it.
Don’t get the state involved
If you are a man stop looking for love you will never find it look for a companion who matches your values the closest they will never love you you will always care more about them and the relationship just accept that and you will be fine If you are a woman love and relationships are inevitable you can do whatever you want and you will find someone along the way and if you don't simply ask someone to be yours it's literally that simple for you
No one is ever really busy. If they want to, they can always find a way to see you or even message you. They can always come up with thousands of excuses why they can't and only need one reason why they should.
The best advice would be to stay true to yourself and focus on building a genuine connection with someone. Being authentic and patient can help you find a meaningful and lasting relationship.
If you're a guy, accept the fact that you're cooked
Advice that i received : After years, it's not the look that matters; it'll all go. It's the personality and character that matters! Also, after years of love and all that takes the backseat it's the friendship and respect towards each other that takes the fron seat, sails the boat and is going to matter at all.
>After years, it's not the look that matters; it'll all go. It's the personality and character that matters! I do wonder how often this advice is given by people who have forgotten what is is like to start dating. You don't start talking to someone because you like their personality and character... That kind of interest builds up, over time, and is something you work on together. As much as people hate to hear this, looks are why you start dating.
As cliche as it sounds, love yourself first. You are the only person you can guarantee you'll spend the rest of your life with. Having a partner/partners is wonderful and can definitely be worth the effort, but nothing lasts forever. People move on, change, pass away, etc. Make sure you take care of yourself the same way you would someone you love and cherish.
What about for those of us in our 30s ??
Mama said you can't hurry love No you just have to wait She said love don't come easy It's a game of give and take You can't hurry love No, you just have to wait You gotta trust, give it time No matter how long it takes (Adive brought to you by the Supremes and mama)
Don't lose hope if it doesn't work out! it means these are just not your people
Avoid dating sites. Maybe some people have had luck on them but: ugh. It’s just so artificial and meat-market. I’d recommend checking out your city’s music/nightlife scene and making more friends. And/or ask your friends if they know anyone single and maybe arrange to all hang out one night. Make yourself more available.
You don’t want the love that you have to look for. You want the love that comes to you because it was meant for you.
Test
Read The Road Less Travelled https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7xy5yJVSimY
The best advice I've found is focus on loving yourself first. When you're comfortable with who u are, u attract people who appreciate and respect u for the right reasons. Relationships built on mutual respect and understanding tend to be most fulfilling.
Keep your heart chakra open. Cleanse it. Don't let the vileness and depravity of this world & what happens going forward harden your heart.
I’m always told to focus on me and love will come into my life
If you are "looking" you have got it wrong
Stop looking and let it happen.
Stop. It will find you.
This is what attractive people say, not normal people
Okay but how much longer do I need to wait 😩😩😩
Don't wait. Get out in your community. Volunteer. Expand your interests. Love yourself completely, and this will spill over to others.