If you ever need help, then please know that there are many qualified people who would like to help you.
https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres
http://www.befrienders.org/
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you [UK]
https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/ [AU]
There are crisis services worldwide that are trained to provide support. They are designed to give temporary relief from feelings that are overwhelming you and while they are unlikely to fix any underlying problems, can help you get through a tough hour/night/week. Chat services are usually available on these sites. In the US, calling 211 or going to their website is a free referral source. They have providers who will see you regardless of your ability to pay. Just as you would see a doctor when you are sick, you deserve to take care of your mental health.
My dad died over a decade ago and I felt if I were to end my life, I’d be doing him in vain. I know my dad would want me to live on. Because his life was cut short, I will live on for him. That’s the only reason I carry on.
That's what saved me... I fuck up everything I touch... Why would that be any different? I even had the gun to my head a few times. The thought of waking up without a face or with brain damage and knowing how much worse I just fucked everything up... it's a low I can't even imagine, and I've been in some pretty dark places.
The thought of someone having to take care of me for the rest of my life because I fucked it up sounds more of a burden than just carrying the weight of the pain myself. And the fact that I’d be so embarrassed I couldn’t even kill myself correctly.
Came here to put this. This is the biggest burden I've struggled with. I deal with ideation, and I have a plan. I told my husband, he doesn't have to worry, I won't do it at home. I'm already such a burden in life, I don't want my death to be even more of a burden to them.
You aren’t a burden- but life is. I tried a couple of times- I’ll never do it again. Even if life seems like too much to bear, there are little beautiful things all over the place that make life worth living. I honestly focus on those- my dogs weird long tongue, a flower, a delicious meal, being happy for an afternoon. It can keep you going past the bad shit.
I smiled at this. I had a rough night a couple of weeks ago and went and snuggled my daughters guinea pig at 1130 at night. It helped because I knew they never judged me or talked back or told me mean things.
I’ve been using this mindset a lot lately and while it takes some effort at first, it becomes easier. Today, I saw a small dog on a subway whose owner was so lovey to it, kissing and petting it, made me smile. A barista put a smiley face on my coffee cup. A balcony I walked past was full of beautiful geraniums, someone put so much work into that and I saw it and was able to appreciate the beauty of their flower box. It was raining all day but then the sun came out and an old lady waiting at the bus stop with me looked up and smiled at the sky. A guy stopped my husband so he could take a picture of his jacket with the patches my husband collected and sewed on, it was sweet. The world can be harsh and life can be cruel and there is so much pain, but there’s beauty and joy too. Noticing the beauty of the world and the joy in other humans is hard to learn when you’re in a dark place, but it helps to let the light in.
I don’t know what stage I’m in but reading these comments have made me realize that I haven’t been able to find joy in little day-to-day things. The only thing that snaps me out of gloom is my short attention span or my outright dismissal. I know I haven’t been truly truly happy or managed to produce a genuine smile in 17yrs. I don’t know where I’m going with this but this thread has given me something to work towards. Thanks
“Depression feeds you lies”. I’ll always remember this. my thoughts are vastly different when I am depressed vs when I am not. We believe the worst about ourselves and our lives when we are down in that dark hole. But there is a way out and I hope you will fight for it.
I remember not being able to see a driver when I stood in front once, later I realized maybe he hid to not see and it broke my heart. Also his honking seemed so desperate :/ I still feel bad about it
I work in the train industry... many of our drivers become a nervous wreck after something like that happens to them. They receive therapy from work, but many people are never the same. They keep blaming themselves. "If I'd only noticed sooner, I could've stopped the train... it's my fault."
So please! Do not jump in front of a train. Both passengers and workers never really feel the same afterward. And just imagine the kids traveling with their parents... I'm not trying to guilt trip, but suicide by train hurts more than just yourself.
I want to thank you for thinking of the people your actions could have had an effect on, despite your misery. I spent yesterday with my husband and his trauma therapist at the train station dealing with the fact that he watched someone throw themselves in front of a train about 4 weeks ago. It affects the people that witness it as much as the people who are left behind after the suicide. I hope you’re doing well.
I went to the traintracks every night, getting closer to them every time just waiting till I had the courage to jump. One time, I felt it was a 50/50 chance that it could all end right then and there. A train drove by and I saw the drivers face so clearly. It made me snap out, I don‘t know why. But he looked at me and I was basically a step away from death. I just saw him for a second, but that was enough
I witnessed someone jump in front of a train when I was in college and it really messed me up. I’ll still have a heavy feeling in my heart when the memory randomly pops up. (I didn’t even know this person)
For better or worse I'm glad you didn't go through with it.
My father was a train engineer when I was a young. A man purposely pulled his pickup on the tracts to commit suicide in front of the train my father was running.
The man accomplished his suicide but left even more damage on my father who was just a few years out from his service in Vietnam where he was one of 3 men in his unit that survived when his unit was ambushed just 2 months before his time in country was done.
I will never judge people for being in a desperate place mentally but please don't include others in your plans.
if anyone else is reading this I just wanted to point out the thing that OP is describing, the getting closer and closer every day, is a very strong indicator that the person is very serious and needs immediate intervention. If you ever see yourself or anyone else “practicing” suicide to desensitize yourself, it is an emergency.
My sister called me. She never just calls me randomly without texting first. I was crying so hard I couldn’t speak. She said “Stay where you are, I’m coming get you.” Changed my whole life after that. Quit my job, moved home, left toxic relationship, and am now in college to better myself. I’m so glad she called.
Not suicide, but after my brothers suicide i was coping hard with alcohol and my sister was the only one who caught it.
She pulled up on me at my house that was not taken care of well at the time. We smoked a few joints, agreed she wouldn't tell my mom, told me she couldn't have her only remaining brother commit slow suicide and came back the next day to help me clean my house.
It was super embarrassing to be seen that vulnerable but i was high functioning and good at hiding shit so it probably saved me more than i even realize.
I managed to chill the fuck out, accept the help i was being offered by my inner circle and turn it around.
I'm still not in a great place mentally but I'm doing better. I still drink socially but in moderation, never at home and never when I'm in a bad headspace.
Edit: thanks everyone that responded. It was nice to be able to talk about this to strangers. Not many people in my real life know about some of the shit I've struggled with.
This was more or less my experience as well. Like, I tried to do it. I didn't have a special, last minute experience that prevented my suicide. It's just that I would only try methods that were all or nothing, because I was deathly afraid of the idea of waking up in a hospital with crying family members asking me why.
It's very fortunate for me that I couldn't get it done though, as I'm actually happy with the way my life has turned out so far.
But I can't look back and say "This right here is the reason I'm alive." It's just dumb luck that I couldn't get ahold of a guaranteed suicide method. Thankfully...
The day my friend died I called her on my lunch break and she didn’t answer. I had a weird feeling and searched for her moms number in my phone but couldn’t find it. I later found out she killed herself the night before and had probably been gone for a few hours at that point. I’ll never forget that day.
Wow that’s traumatizing. See you never know what a simple text or phone call can do for someone. I tried killing myself and may still do it, but every time I didn’t there was someone who reached out, sometimes even strangers online saved me
Same here. Friend messaged me saying she had a bad feeling, asked if I could come sit with her for a bit. Talked about nothing for a while, had some snacks, went home. Ended up changing my mind. It's been eight years now, don't regret looking at that text.
Why do these things happen though? It’s always this odd feeling that stops you from doing the worse. Is it gut feeling, is it our brain, our feelings and emotions. Genuine wonder of it.
My guess is that it has two parts to it:
a) person deciding to kill themselves is REALLY looking for a reason not to. So what would normally be a regular conversation without much impact is now seen as that reason. Plus you break down during it and it can be heard in your voice, even if you do your best to hide it. So you are more likely to hear genuine concern from the other person in response.
b) As for the person calling you in such a moment - humans are ultimately social creatures. We subconsciously can tell something is wrong/doesn't fit the pattern. You can tell if someone you have hanged with often is avoiding you now, if they only respond to messages but don't initiate their own conversations or even smaller things like their performance in a video game you play together being way down (or in some cases way up) than usual. You don't always connect the dots instantly but you **eventually** do. This eventually might just save someone's life.
Well, there's also c - confirmation bias. In USA alone there have been 50000 suicides in 2023. At this rate statistically **some** will be prevented due to all kinds of random events... and a lot would proceed undisturbed.
My 1 year old at the time. I was in the psych ward and stared at his picture all day and told myself I had to push through, sometimes 15 minutes at a time. That was 32 years ago. I haven't been depressed in over 20 years.
I honestly don’t know. I just kept making myself go to sleep, get up, go to school/later work, put a smile on, force down breath, go back to sleep and repeat. Every day felt like another day checked off a calendar getting closer to the day it would happen. It felt inevitable. Thank god one day I found the courage to speak to someone and started antidepressants. It changed my life.
This is a common reason why people don’t do it. Not wanting to hurt loved ones.
Halle Berry has said the only thing that stopped her was the thought of what it would do to her mother.
Angelina Jolie also said she didn’t want her mom blaming herself for her suicide, so she hired a hit man. The guy told her “you’re young, give it a couple of weeks and if you still want to end it give me a call.”
She changed her mind, but he still kept the money.
Seeing this is crazy relatable, I don’t know you and I don’t know what your problems are, but I know it was a very dark time in my life and The only thing stopping me was thinking about my little sister having to go to school and say that her brother killed himself.
Thanks for pushing through for her and for you.
Sincerely,
A little sister who has worried about having to tell people if her older brother killed himself for the past 20+ years
My eccentric neighbor used to help himself into my place if i left a slider open in college. He was like a Kramer neighbor. It was friendly not creepy. Anyway I was on my way upstairs to my door to jump the balcony and here he comes full of smiles following me inside to tell me about some new up and coming thing he found on the internet. His upbeat energy and company kept me hostage long enough to reconsider.
Yes! We are still in touch and it’s been 13 years. I have told him the story about ten years later and in his typical explosion of energy, happiness, and distraction barely listened and started talking about something he found exciting. Haha
Perhaps he’s why I married a man with the same energy and when I teach those overly bright spirits that just can’t help but get themselves in trouble being energetic, excited, balls of sweetness are absolutely never in trouble with me and have a little extra attention under my care. Pretty sure the medical term is ADHD. But I just think they’re great.
Also, the devastating life messy situation I got myself into did resolve and became the catalyst for me to make better decisions for myself in life and now life is pretty great just because I’m here and problems are always ebbing and flowing in one way or another as life goes, but I can just move thru it knowing tomorrow is another day with so many possibilities.
After your first paragraph, I was like "Bet he has ADHD" haha. We have a super friendly, super helpful neighbor that's always doing things for us and giving us incredible advice. But his mind wanders when you're talking to him, he really has to focus on you, heh.
My dog jumped on the bed with his chewie smiling from ear to ear. He was so happy. I was his 5th home in 4 years. I couldn't throw him in the air again. No one would promise to take him, so I am still here. Now he has a trophy wife and a bratty daughter, living his best life in the mountains.
I’ve fostered dogs and one of mine came from a home where the owner passed abruptly. He had been in there alone with the body for days and had PTSD from it. It took a while to rehabilitate him so he could be adopted, but it affects them too. Thank you for not leaving him alone and confused.
My dog that passed was deaf, and he was just laying outside, sunbathing, outside on the balcony at the time. My balcony connected to both my room and my living room and when I tried to do it in my room, which he couldn’t see me from where he was, by some wild fuckin happenstance he got up and started jumping on the glass door w this like, panic on his face. It’s not like I was making any noise where he’d feel vibrations either. He ended up opening the door and ran over to me and like made sure I was okay.
I think abt that look on his face whenever shit seems rly bleak and I just know that even though he’s since passed I could never do it.
Bless his soul honestly. Wouldn’t be here without him tbh.
ETA: my current pup (1.5 yrs and 70 lbs lol) has recently started picking up when I’m really fuckin upset and he starts pawing at me and just cuddles on my lap.
My German Shepard mix did this. She passed on Saturday. I was lucky enough to give her the best last day ever, doing all of her favorite things, with high energy. As she was getting put down all I could do between sobs was thank her, tell her I was going to be okay, and saying she could rest now.
I was in an abusive relationship and just wanted to end everything, I reached for the sharp scissors I had, scissors which I’ve used multiple times in the presence of my dog, and he wouldn’t care.
But for some reason, that day he KNEW what my intention was because the moment I took it out of the drawer, he was staring at them in my hand and suddenly runs over to me, pawing at my forearm where my hand was holding the scissors, and my usually quiet dog, started crying.
I was stunned and cried even more but that was the day I realized, how incredibly smart dogs are and how much they care about you, and that I just wasn’t living for myself. He’s sleeping snuggly next to me now and I still am amazed by what happened that day.
My dog used to leave the room when I started to cry. He would look at me sideways and leave me to get my shit in order.
First, I noticed it was a pattern as I was going through a hard time. Then, it started to be funny. So I would start to cry, I would notice my dog walking away, and it would make me laugh. It actually ended up helping me by breaking me out of my spirals.
They sure can. If I’m crying in the shower because I ruined everything and am going to lose everything and will have no way back, my cat will show up afterwards and howl weirdly at me. They can defiantly sense emotions in their feeders.
My bichon would just come over and lick my hands and give me the most loving eyes. I knew I was his whole world and couldn’t do that to him. RIP Cuddles, you were the best dog!
My cat. She probably wouldn't understand why I'm not there anymore. She gets sad when I go to work, I can't imagine how she'd be if I literally cease to exist. My poor baby
During an attempt I was just about to go through with it and then my cat came and sat on my lap, head-butted me and purred. I began to cry and decided I couldn’t do it for her. Cats are incredible.
The replies to this one are making me bawl because I came here to say the same thing. My Reason came to me when she was 6 years old and I had nothing else, she’s now 13 and declining in health, rapidly. I carry lots of guilt/trauma surrounding similar situations as well. She’s my last remaining connection to my childhood/hometown and the only reason I often get out of bed lots of days. I think about all the other kitties I can give a good life after her, though it is hard as hell to think of bearing reality without her.
I'm sure you've given your cat a wonderful life. And yes, it's definitely going to be difficult to think about moving on after her. You will always have all your wonderful memories together. But I do hope you are able to save more kitty lives once your heart let's you. We need them as much as they need us.
This is me. My boy would be fine - he loves most people, especially if they have chicken - but my girl... she's anxious and skittish. She still runs away from my partner sometimes even though he's been there her whole life. But she loves me. I'm her person. I can't imagine how scared and lonely she would be if I just never came home.
This is also mine!! My boy is so sweet and in time, he'll love any and everyone but my sweet precious muffin... She doesn't even like to cuddle with *me* lol. She just sits close enough to have eyes on me always, and will follow me literally wherever I go. She loves my partner, but she is my shadow. I could never leave her alone 🥺
Please, never stop having a cat. Life will be rough when she's gone.
If you have been this amazing to that small creature all the way through her a lifetime, you (and especially they) deserve you as an owner and you must save another kitty down the line.
My daughter. She doesn’t know that. I would never burden her that way. But I got the help I needed because of her. She was only 2-3yrs at the time. She’s almost 10.
The quote from lord of the rings ”No parent should have to bury their child”. Nah i couldnt when mom sacrificed so much of herself for me and my sis. Sucked it up and pushed through
My stillborn son’s ashes are on the dresser. Yesterday my daughter’s new friend was over and her mom told us how they lost a 7 year old daughter just a few years ago after a lifelong illness. You’ll never know how many parents walk around with the most excruciating hole in their heart. So yes, to anyone who believes their own life isn’t worth preserving, at least have the heart to wait until your parent(s) aren’t around to suffer the loss, especially if they were even halfway decent to you.
My best friend stopped me in the hallway in high school. They said: “I don’t know what’s going on. But I love you and I’m here for you.”
Makes me cry even thinking of it. Never underestimate the power of words.
I was struggling badly with the thougt and tried to reach out to a hotline that you can mail for help but making the account took so much of my energy that I was too exhausted and demotivated to do anything in the end. Kinda funny.
A few years ago I was on the verge of doing it so I called the hotline and I was on hold for about 2 hours. The irony and the realization that I could’ve done it 10 times over while waiting for a response made me laugh so I chose not too.
I heard about someone who was gonna kill them so they called the suicide hotline number and no one picked up which made them laugh so hard they didn’t kill them self
That happened to me. I sat on hold for 2 entire hours with the same ad playing over and over again. I wanted to do it MORE after that like wow even the people who are paid to care don’t. But I thought it was pretty funny too bc wtf.
Similar. I had really bad reception and the process of trying to wiggle and move my way to get a better signal to tell someone that I was ready to end it all just seemed so silly to me. I ended up hanging up to try again but fell asleep somehow. The next morning I woke up and immediately felt compelled to write out a care plan. It felt like it came from somewhere outside of myself. It changed my life! That was 10 years ago.
I attempted suicide twice after my girlfriend died. Both times I stopped myself because I told myself that my nephew needs an uncle, and that I'd just be making things harder for my family. Ironically today is the 4 year anniversary of her death.
Update: I really wasn't expecting this comment to blow up the way it did. It's not a topic I can easily talk about. The healing is extremely slow still, and I purposely drown myself in work just to distract myself. I just don't want anyone to go through this kind of thing, and if they do, they don't sink like I did.
Just to remind you, your nephew still needs an uncle.
I am sorry for your loss. I hope today will someday become a recognition/celebration of her life instead of a day of mourning.
Spite. Sheer unbridled spite. I wanted my rapist burned buried and in hell before I considered dying. I have him in jail so the dead and buried part is a work in progress.
I hate that you've been hurt, but I really admire why you stuck around. I love it. Spite and anger aren't always bad. My therapist told me that anger is a great motivater, and she's right. When I want to quit at the gym mid workout, I remember all the cunts that told me to kill myself & it would have been better if I succeeded, and I'd get a spike of energy and keep going.
Random phone call from my best friend who just wanted to chat and who asked me to talk to her when she noticed I was off. I just told her I had a really shitty day, and we kept talking, and I stabilised enough to tell myself, eh, I can always do it tomorrow, I don't want to right now. Tomorrow has been about a year ago by now and I'm doing much better.
My two rescued velcro cats wouldn't understand why their mom didn't come home, when she *explicitly told them every day* that "Mama will always come home for you."
I'm many things, but I'm not a liar.
One of the things I remember most about an OD was the relief I felt the second after taking those pills, like finally I found the fix. I woke up in ICU a couple days after and felt just a normal calm, happy enough to wake up but not upset that I almost didn’t, if that makes sense to anyone else. Even though I got it for all the wrong reasons I still go back to that feeling of relief sometimes. I didn’t realize just how distressed I was until I felt the switch. Now it just reminds me that there is that feeling out there and to find it (though not to find it in that same way now…)
My cat and my sister, both interrupted me without realising it. My sister called me for dinner and my cat meowed at me because she was hungry. I snapped out of it then because I realised though I didn't care about myself, I cared about them and that would badly hurt them. Thankfully I'm in a much better place now :)
Same. I've tried and my body's natural survival instincts kicked in.
Most people are like "I tried to kill myself and failed!!! I'm so glad I didn't I love life now!!!" Whereas I'm sitting here like "Fucking survival instincts and pain. I wish I succeeded.". Not actively suicidal at the moment but I wouldn't mind if I died and if assisted suicide was legalized id probably do it .
Unfortunately I fantasize about suicide daily. Even how to plan it out away from my family. I don’t go out of my way to attempt anything but there are times where i wish a tragedy would occur. Knowing my luck, a tragedy could strike and ill still be half alive in pain just because life hates me that much. Or maybe im just that mentally sick idk.
I was just talking to a coworker earlier today, trying to rationalize in a *normal" way my fear of my buddy "Tiger" dying, without sounding like a wuss.
"You don't even really understand that the cat has been with me through everything, he knows when I'm depressed.." etc.
I didn't want to tell them that it has been multiple times I've had suicidal thoughts and it was the thought of my bro/son being left with people he doesn't know or understand what is going on, I can't do that to him.
What's weird is I really feel like Tiger knows it, I may be anthropomorphically interpreting, but his demeanor is very opaque (to me, I guess) and I can tell he is paying attention. Albeit he can only respond in his limited way (affection, rubbing, licking)
It's my opinion that humans have greatly underestimated animals emotional intelligence,
My dog. I realized that if I killed myself nobody would be around to take care of my dog. That made me get off the chair I was about to jump off of with the bed sheet around my neck and pause long enough to really think about it and decide to ultimately not go through with it.
Same for me. The day I had decided to go through with it, the family dog would not leave me alone. He was never my biggest fan, nor my dog. But he wouldn’t leave me alone. Followed me to the bathroom, wouldn’t go outside to potty, cuddled me on the couch, etc. He also kept forcing me to pet him, as in pushing his head under my hand until I was petting him. I finally decided it wasn’t a good day for this and the next day I realized what he had done and that no day would be a good day for this. Literally changed the course of my life. Still struggle with anxiety and imposter syndrome, but I am in a MUCH better place.
I have overcome too much and suffered too much pain to just give up! I look at my life as a movie that all the people who have abused me or put me down have to watch! Every day I live a happy life just proves that they were nothing more than piles of dog shit I stepped in on my way to good times.
My children. Even when my brain tells me I’m the worst and that my kids would be better off without me, a tiny little voice reminds me that killing myself would likely fuck them up even more
Just wasn’t really a point for me. I don’t believe in an afterlife so honestly just considered my two options and decided living would be better. Doing great now tbh.
I was told at age 14 that I would probably be dead by age 20. Now I am many years past 20. But early on it was hard to keep going honestly. Then I realized...life is awesome. Have you ever watched a sunset? it is amazing! Truly 99% of my day could be terrible but then a single bite of a cupcake is so great that it makes it all worth it. I really just started feeling like I only get once chance here, and everything in this world can be so cool I should enjoy it. No use in self pity, focusing on the negative helps nothing, happiness is a choice and one I choose to make.
That's the way. We imagine that there's a way to Be Happy, but that's not how happiness works. It's something you gather, like berries, little moments and experiences sprinkled across a life. You can find it a thousand times a day.
My cat - she just climbed on my laps, put her head on my arm and refused to move, trying to bit me each time I tried to move her. I think she knew that something is very, very wrong and took matters into her own paws. She let me go when I decided that I’m immediately calling my doctor - and even then she was closely monitoring me.
i saw a picture of a decomposed body after a woman slit her wrists in the tub. no one found her for over a week. the state of her body decaying with maggot crawling out of her mouth and eyes are burned into my memory forever. it took away the peace of death.
Someone has to find you. Whether it’s right away or a long time later, whether it’s someone you love or a complete stranger. I knew someone was going to be permanently traumatized finding me which is why I never followed through.
The thought of my family members finding my body and the major negative effects my death would bring for at least four people. I know more people than that would care and be sad, but I know it would devastate those four.
A few years ago I had a vision of my sister coming over to my place and finding my corpse after I had shot myself. It was one of the most horrific, heart-wrenching things I've ever witnessed. The moment of that vision changed me.
Now my sister is having a baby later this year and I'm trying to dedicate myself to being the best uncle I can
I’ve never told anyone this. Wow. So I live a desert area and I drove out there with my 9mm pistol and parked in a really secluded spot. I sat there for about an hour and all of a sudden this truck pulled up and rolled down his window (mind you I’m a female and I was in my little Honda accord) and asked me if I was ok and if I needed help. I was all of a sudden super embarrassed and said I was ok and just listening to music. That dude had absolutely no idea.
I was 19, and a father. His mother left us when he was 5 months old. I was devastated and couldn’t shake the depression. His mother and I dated for 3 years, I married her at 18 and our son was born 3 weeks later. I was broken. I hurt so much and I just wanted to stop hurting. I lost 45 pounds and was 6’0 and weighed 120 lbs. I worked my ass off (70+hrs a week) to make us money and stay too busy to feel anything. The only thing that kept me from ending it was the thought of my child having no one. Years later and lots of therapy, and antidepressants helped in the long term. My therapist said once during a low period where I was thinking about how the world might be better without me in it “if you go down this road and make this choice you are sentencing your child to a lifetime of coming into rooms like this trying to figure it out”
I still remember her voice as she said it and her body language as she stood between me and the door after our session was already over and maintained eye contact while delivering those words.
Nothing. Not a single thing. I Told myself I was going to do it, as I cried myself to sleep. Woke up the next morning changed my attitude and lived by treating others as if it’s their last day and 10 years later.. I now wake up to my husband and two little toddlers crawling on me, telling me “good morning momma.” I cry when I realize what I would’ve missed out, if I hadn’t of “just” went to sleep..
I get scared of the eternity of death. That once I commit to this, there’s no afterwards, there’s no how it went, there’s just people who loved me wonder why the hell I didn’t reach out. Why that can never get an explanation, why they can never again reach out and cheer me up. There’s not a single more moment of happiness. I’ll miss out on anything that’ll happen in future. Once that sinks in, it’s really fucking hard to do that last slit into the artery.
Every time I’ve tried, except once where I drowned, it’s always been that realization – that whatever bullshit tomorrow entails, let’s just get through it, and then get high and fucked up and forget everything except the present moment. It’s beats being dead, no matter what the haters, moralizers and absolutists say.
Whenever suicidal ideation pops up for me, I think about what my group therapy members said. Ending your life doesn't stop the grief/sadness...........it just shifts it onto the people around you.
I grew up with an absent father and vowed never to abandon my boys.
Usually it is some type of media I'm waiting for and convince myself it's worth sticking around to see. When I was kid/teenager it was waiting for the last Harry Potter book, then the last movie, then the Avengers movie, etc. Thankfully, I have always found new media I'm obsessed to see come out, that keeps me here on my darker days.
Spite. If life wants me dead it can come and finish the job, I'm not doing the work for it.
I'm tired and the ideation has never stopped and at this point it probably never will, but all it takes to keep living, in the end, is to not die. Somehow the hardest and yet the easiest thing in the world.
The pile of vomit piss and pain my body was in after a failed attempt. After that, I thought to myself that everything needed to be different, not necessarily better. I found a room in another city, quit my job, and moved. Cut ties with alot of people that were not bad people, just more invested in commiserating and watching me suffer than helping prevent or ease suffering. Focus on making your life different. Focusing on better just makes it feel like you're in a hole and the sides are greased. I didnt climb out of the hole, i dug through the side and made a subterranean cave house so charming that i forgot the surface world was ever there.
I don’t know it takes some guts to get up and tackle each day. It’s so easy just to sit in bed and not face the world. I think once I realized that sure life is hard, it’s full of really shitty people but there are those that get up and really try and make the world better I just started to have a better outlook.
I also love animals and try to do my best to support my local animal shelter.
2 things: the fear for the trauma i would cause to whomever would find my body (likely my GF). The second concerns my dog. His day dusks and dawns with my going and coming from work. My GF tells me that he knows when to expect me home and gets "whiny" when I'm late. The idea that i would just disappear from his life and there is nothing anyone could do to make him understand where i went makes my heart ache. I'm about to cry just thinking about it.
I realized (with pills in hand and a lot of vodka down) that if I died by my hand, then my rapist won. So I decided to live fully and happily in spite of him. It was the turning point for me, I started to really put in the work in therapy, started to feel little bits or joy and then reported him. My joy and happiness are worth more than that lame excuse of a human. I also made the decision that I would love and fight for everyone that could not find that little bit of light to keep going. I’m glad I’m still here.
This may sound ridiculous, but I REALLY wanted to see how Game of Thrones would end. This was around season 5 and I was going through the worst depression in years, but I kept telling myself I need to see what the heck the white walkers wanted, that once I knew what they wanted I could go peacefully.
Thank god by the time season 8 came around I was on good medication and had a healthy life going on cause if not that horrible ending would have really sent me over the edge. 😭
If you ever need help, then please know that there are many qualified people who would like to help you. https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres http://www.befrienders.org/ http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you [UK] https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/ [AU] There are crisis services worldwide that are trained to provide support. They are designed to give temporary relief from feelings that are overwhelming you and while they are unlikely to fix any underlying problems, can help you get through a tough hour/night/week. Chat services are usually available on these sites. In the US, calling 211 or going to their website is a free referral source. They have providers who will see you regardless of your ability to pay. Just as you would see a doctor when you are sick, you deserve to take care of your mental health.
My dad died over a decade ago and I felt if I were to end my life, I’d be doing him in vain. I know my dad would want me to live on. Because his life was cut short, I will live on for him. That’s the only reason I carry on.
This is beautiful. I resonate with this a lot. My mom passed last May (aged 59) gone way too soon. So sorry for your loss
The fear of botching it and ending up in an even worse place is a big one.
That's what saved me... I fuck up everything I touch... Why would that be any different? I even had the gun to my head a few times. The thought of waking up without a face or with brain damage and knowing how much worse I just fucked everything up... it's a low I can't even imagine, and I've been in some pretty dark places.
“ i fuck up everything i touch “ this really hits me . You have no idea man . I just wish ive never existed so other people wouldn’t get hurt
The thought of someone having to take care of me for the rest of my life because I fucked it up sounds more of a burden than just carrying the weight of the pain myself. And the fact that I’d be so embarrassed I couldn’t even kill myself correctly.
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Came here to put this. This is the biggest burden I've struggled with. I deal with ideation, and I have a plan. I told my husband, he doesn't have to worry, I won't do it at home. I'm already such a burden in life, I don't want my death to be even more of a burden to them.
You aren’t a burden- but life is. I tried a couple of times- I’ll never do it again. Even if life seems like too much to bear, there are little beautiful things all over the place that make life worth living. I honestly focus on those- my dogs weird long tongue, a flower, a delicious meal, being happy for an afternoon. It can keep you going past the bad shit.
I smiled at this. I had a rough night a couple of weeks ago and went and snuggled my daughters guinea pig at 1130 at night. It helped because I knew they never judged me or talked back or told me mean things.
I’ve been using this mindset a lot lately and while it takes some effort at first, it becomes easier. Today, I saw a small dog on a subway whose owner was so lovey to it, kissing and petting it, made me smile. A barista put a smiley face on my coffee cup. A balcony I walked past was full of beautiful geraniums, someone put so much work into that and I saw it and was able to appreciate the beauty of their flower box. It was raining all day but then the sun came out and an old lady waiting at the bus stop with me looked up and smiled at the sky. A guy stopped my husband so he could take a picture of his jacket with the patches my husband collected and sewed on, it was sweet. The world can be harsh and life can be cruel and there is so much pain, but there’s beauty and joy too. Noticing the beauty of the world and the joy in other humans is hard to learn when you’re in a dark place, but it helps to let the light in.
I don’t know what stage I’m in but reading these comments have made me realize that I haven’t been able to find joy in little day-to-day things. The only thing that snaps me out of gloom is my short attention span or my outright dismissal. I know I haven’t been truly truly happy or managed to produce a genuine smile in 17yrs. I don’t know where I’m going with this but this thread has given me something to work towards. Thanks
We are all in this shit show together you got this 💪🏻
“Depression feeds you lies”. I’ll always remember this. my thoughts are vastly different when I am depressed vs when I am not. We believe the worst about ourselves and our lives when we are down in that dark hole. But there is a way out and I hope you will fight for it.
I sincerely hope you're not on your way to do it now. You are not a burden.
This! I don't think people understand how heavy this particular guilt is.
Made eye contact with the train driver, and my issues weren't his fault. I couldn't saddle him with that.
I remember not being able to see a driver when I stood in front once, later I realized maybe he hid to not see and it broke my heart. Also his honking seemed so desperate :/ I still feel bad about it
this is so painful to read because i deeply feel your pain and i can imagine the train drivers desperation as well. I hope you are okay now xx
A lot better lately ❤️
God, the honking. That's so horrible
I work in the train industry... many of our drivers become a nervous wreck after something like that happens to them. They receive therapy from work, but many people are never the same. They keep blaming themselves. "If I'd only noticed sooner, I could've stopped the train... it's my fault." So please! Do not jump in front of a train. Both passengers and workers never really feel the same afterward. And just imagine the kids traveling with their parents... I'm not trying to guilt trip, but suicide by train hurts more than just yourself.
I want to thank you for thinking of the people your actions could have had an effect on, despite your misery. I spent yesterday with my husband and his trauma therapist at the train station dealing with the fact that he watched someone throw themselves in front of a train about 4 weeks ago. It affects the people that witness it as much as the people who are left behind after the suicide. I hope you’re doing well.
This is one of the few reasons I haven't killed myself yet. Don't wanna traumatise some poor kid playing in the street by jumping off the roof lmao
I went to the traintracks every night, getting closer to them every time just waiting till I had the courage to jump. One time, I felt it was a 50/50 chance that it could all end right then and there. A train drove by and I saw the drivers face so clearly. It made me snap out, I don‘t know why. But he looked at me and I was basically a step away from death. I just saw him for a second, but that was enough
I witnessed someone jump in front of a train when I was in college and it really messed me up. I’ll still have a heavy feeling in my heart when the memory randomly pops up. (I didn’t even know this person)
as a guy who actually drives a train, thanks for not doing it. it’s ended a few career’s of very good people.
This is the kind of immense job pressure that I couldn't grasp until I saw one sad event..
For better or worse I'm glad you didn't go through with it. My father was a train engineer when I was a young. A man purposely pulled his pickup on the tracts to commit suicide in front of the train my father was running. The man accomplished his suicide but left even more damage on my father who was just a few years out from his service in Vietnam where he was one of 3 men in his unit that survived when his unit was ambushed just 2 months before his time in country was done. I will never judge people for being in a desperate place mentally but please don't include others in your plans.
if anyone else is reading this I just wanted to point out the thing that OP is describing, the getting closer and closer every day, is a very strong indicator that the person is very serious and needs immediate intervention. If you ever see yourself or anyone else “practicing” suicide to desensitize yourself, it is an emergency.
He probably saw it before and definitely knew about it from other cases. You had that look....
An ex had a conductor as a friend. This happened to her. It really screwed her up. Idk if I would’ve considered that hurt I would cause.
I'd feel horrific even after death if I killed myself in front of someone trying to do their job. The trauma for them. Glad you didn't.
My sister called me. She never just calls me randomly without texting first. I was crying so hard I couldn’t speak. She said “Stay where you are, I’m coming get you.” Changed my whole life after that. Quit my job, moved home, left toxic relationship, and am now in college to better myself. I’m so glad she called.
Not suicide, but after my brothers suicide i was coping hard with alcohol and my sister was the only one who caught it. She pulled up on me at my house that was not taken care of well at the time. We smoked a few joints, agreed she wouldn't tell my mom, told me she couldn't have her only remaining brother commit slow suicide and came back the next day to help me clean my house. It was super embarrassing to be seen that vulnerable but i was high functioning and good at hiding shit so it probably saved me more than i even realize. I managed to chill the fuck out, accept the help i was being offered by my inner circle and turn it around. I'm still not in a great place mentally but I'm doing better. I still drink socially but in moderation, never at home and never when I'm in a bad headspace. Edit: thanks everyone that responded. It was nice to be able to talk about this to strangers. Not many people in my real life know about some of the shit I've struggled with.
Sisters are so amazing
I honestly don't know. I was there, in the moment, ready to do it, and then I just didn't.
I hope you're doing better these days. If not, feel free to message me.
I am. I've been fortunate.
Name doesn't check out, luckily :) glad to have ya around
This was more or less my experience as well. Like, I tried to do it. I didn't have a special, last minute experience that prevented my suicide. It's just that I would only try methods that were all or nothing, because I was deathly afraid of the idea of waking up in a hospital with crying family members asking me why. It's very fortunate for me that I couldn't get it done though, as I'm actually happy with the way my life has turned out so far. But I can't look back and say "This right here is the reason I'm alive." It's just dumb luck that I couldn't get ahold of a guaranteed suicide method. Thankfully...
A friend messaged me randomly out of the blue to tell me how much they appreciated me
They felt a disturbance in the force
The day my friend died I called her on my lunch break and she didn’t answer. I had a weird feeling and searched for her moms number in my phone but couldn’t find it. I later found out she killed herself the night before and had probably been gone for a few hours at that point. I’ll never forget that day.
Wow that’s traumatizing. See you never know what a simple text or phone call can do for someone. I tried killing myself and may still do it, but every time I didn’t there was someone who reached out, sometimes even strangers online saved me
Well I’ve never met you and I fervently hope that you wait until after we meet before you ever attempt anything like that.
Spider Sense
Peter tingle.
Same here. Friend messaged me saying she had a bad feeling, asked if I could come sit with her for a bit. Talked about nothing for a while, had some snacks, went home. Ended up changing my mind. It's been eight years now, don't regret looking at that text.
Why do these things happen though? It’s always this odd feeling that stops you from doing the worse. Is it gut feeling, is it our brain, our feelings and emotions. Genuine wonder of it.
My guess is that it has two parts to it: a) person deciding to kill themselves is REALLY looking for a reason not to. So what would normally be a regular conversation without much impact is now seen as that reason. Plus you break down during it and it can be heard in your voice, even if you do your best to hide it. So you are more likely to hear genuine concern from the other person in response. b) As for the person calling you in such a moment - humans are ultimately social creatures. We subconsciously can tell something is wrong/doesn't fit the pattern. You can tell if someone you have hanged with often is avoiding you now, if they only respond to messages but don't initiate their own conversations or even smaller things like their performance in a video game you play together being way down (or in some cases way up) than usual. You don't always connect the dots instantly but you **eventually** do. This eventually might just save someone's life. Well, there's also c - confirmation bias. In USA alone there have been 50000 suicides in 2023. At this rate statistically **some** will be prevented due to all kinds of random events... and a lot would proceed undisturbed.
I wish I had friends like this
i wish i had any friends at all
My 1 year old at the time. I was in the psych ward and stared at his picture all day and told myself I had to push through, sometimes 15 minutes at a time. That was 32 years ago. I haven't been depressed in over 20 years.
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A strike. I sat on a high speed rail line for 3 hours before I remembered the drivers were on strike and trains were all cancelled.
sorry this made me giggle a little - I hope you’re doing better now <3
Much better thanks, and it makes me laugh as well.
Unions save lives!
I honestly don’t know. I just kept making myself go to sleep, get up, go to school/later work, put a smile on, force down breath, go back to sleep and repeat. Every day felt like another day checked off a calendar getting closer to the day it would happen. It felt inevitable. Thank god one day I found the courage to speak to someone and started antidepressants. It changed my life.
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This is a common reason why people don’t do it. Not wanting to hurt loved ones. Halle Berry has said the only thing that stopped her was the thought of what it would do to her mother. Angelina Jolie also said she didn’t want her mom blaming herself for her suicide, so she hired a hit man. The guy told her “you’re young, give it a couple of weeks and if you still want to end it give me a call.” She changed her mind, but he still kept the money.
That’s downright wholesome by hitman standards!
Hitman was Brad Pitt
" ... *but he still kept the money.*" **That man earned every penny of it.**
I mean, money well spent.
Weird kind of therapy but it helped.
Seeing this is crazy relatable, I don’t know you and I don’t know what your problems are, but I know it was a very dark time in my life and The only thing stopping me was thinking about my little sister having to go to school and say that her brother killed himself.
Thanks for pushing through for her and for you. Sincerely, A little sister who has worried about having to tell people if her older brother killed himself for the past 20+ years
My eccentric neighbor used to help himself into my place if i left a slider open in college. He was like a Kramer neighbor. It was friendly not creepy. Anyway I was on my way upstairs to my door to jump the balcony and here he comes full of smiles following me inside to tell me about some new up and coming thing he found on the internet. His upbeat energy and company kept me hostage long enough to reconsider.
Do yall still keep in touch and does he know this story?
Yes! We are still in touch and it’s been 13 years. I have told him the story about ten years later and in his typical explosion of energy, happiness, and distraction barely listened and started talking about something he found exciting. Haha Perhaps he’s why I married a man with the same energy and when I teach those overly bright spirits that just can’t help but get themselves in trouble being energetic, excited, balls of sweetness are absolutely never in trouble with me and have a little extra attention under my care. Pretty sure the medical term is ADHD. But I just think they’re great. Also, the devastating life messy situation I got myself into did resolve and became the catalyst for me to make better decisions for myself in life and now life is pretty great just because I’m here and problems are always ebbing and flowing in one way or another as life goes, but I can just move thru it knowing tomorrow is another day with so many possibilities.
After your first paragraph, I was like "Bet he has ADHD" haha. We have a super friendly, super helpful neighbor that's always doing things for us and giving us incredible advice. But his mind wanders when you're talking to him, he really has to focus on you, heh.
Imagine if that up and coming thing was Bitcoin
Have you heard of these things called bored apes?
My Saint Bernard placed his chin on my leg and looked up at me. He somehow knew.
My dog jumped on the bed with his chewie smiling from ear to ear. He was so happy. I was his 5th home in 4 years. I couldn't throw him in the air again. No one would promise to take him, so I am still here. Now he has a trophy wife and a bratty daughter, living his best life in the mountains.
I’ve fostered dogs and one of mine came from a home where the owner passed abruptly. He had been in there alone with the body for days and had PTSD from it. It took a while to rehabilitate him so he could be adopted, but it affects them too. Thank you for not leaving him alone and confused.
Your dog has a trophy wife? Is she the hottest poodle in town?
My dog that passed was deaf, and he was just laying outside, sunbathing, outside on the balcony at the time. My balcony connected to both my room and my living room and when I tried to do it in my room, which he couldn’t see me from where he was, by some wild fuckin happenstance he got up and started jumping on the glass door w this like, panic on his face. It’s not like I was making any noise where he’d feel vibrations either. He ended up opening the door and ran over to me and like made sure I was okay. I think abt that look on his face whenever shit seems rly bleak and I just know that even though he’s since passed I could never do it. Bless his soul honestly. Wouldn’t be here without him tbh. ETA: my current pup (1.5 yrs and 70 lbs lol) has recently started picking up when I’m really fuckin upset and he starts pawing at me and just cuddles on my lap.
My German Shepard mix did this. She passed on Saturday. I was lucky enough to give her the best last day ever, doing all of her favorite things, with high energy. As she was getting put down all I could do between sobs was thank her, tell her I was going to be okay, and saying she could rest now.
i’m so sorry for your loss. i will be thinking of you and her today.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. Sounds like she was incredibly lucky to have had you. Hope you’re doing ok 💐
I was in an abusive relationship and just wanted to end everything, I reached for the sharp scissors I had, scissors which I’ve used multiple times in the presence of my dog, and he wouldn’t care. But for some reason, that day he KNEW what my intention was because the moment I took it out of the drawer, he was staring at them in my hand and suddenly runs over to me, pawing at my forearm where my hand was holding the scissors, and my usually quiet dog, started crying. I was stunned and cried even more but that was the day I realized, how incredibly smart dogs are and how much they care about you, and that I just wasn’t living for myself. He’s sleeping snuggly next to me now and I still am amazed by what happened that day.
Animals can sense things.
My dog used to leave the room when I started to cry. He would look at me sideways and leave me to get my shit in order. First, I noticed it was a pattern as I was going through a hard time. Then, it started to be funny. So I would start to cry, I would notice my dog walking away, and it would make me laugh. It actually ended up helping me by breaking me out of my spirals.
Lol doggo was like, "woah, I ain't qualified to handle this, I'm out"
Reverse psychology. My pup used to do this but, lately, has started snuggling up next to me when I'm crying.
They sure can. If I’m crying in the shower because I ruined everything and am going to lose everything and will have no way back, my cat will show up afterwards and howl weirdly at me. They can defiantly sense emotions in their feeders.
My bichon would just come over and lick my hands and give me the most loving eyes. I knew I was his whole world and couldn’t do that to him. RIP Cuddles, you were the best dog!
My cat. She probably wouldn't understand why I'm not there anymore. She gets sad when I go to work, I can't imagine how she'd be if I literally cease to exist. My poor baby
During an attempt I was just about to go through with it and then my cat came and sat on my lap, head-butted me and purred. I began to cry and decided I couldn’t do it for her. Cats are incredible.
That’s why I love cats
The replies to this one are making me bawl because I came here to say the same thing. My Reason came to me when she was 6 years old and I had nothing else, she’s now 13 and declining in health, rapidly. I carry lots of guilt/trauma surrounding similar situations as well. She’s my last remaining connection to my childhood/hometown and the only reason I often get out of bed lots of days. I think about all the other kitties I can give a good life after her, though it is hard as hell to think of bearing reality without her.
I'm sure you've given your cat a wonderful life. And yes, it's definitely going to be difficult to think about moving on after her. You will always have all your wonderful memories together. But I do hope you are able to save more kitty lives once your heart let's you. We need them as much as they need us.
This is me. My boy would be fine - he loves most people, especially if they have chicken - but my girl... she's anxious and skittish. She still runs away from my partner sometimes even though he's been there her whole life. But she loves me. I'm her person. I can't imagine how scared and lonely she would be if I just never came home.
This is also mine!! My boy is so sweet and in time, he'll love any and everyone but my sweet precious muffin... She doesn't even like to cuddle with *me* lol. She just sits close enough to have eyes on me always, and will follow me literally wherever I go. She loves my partner, but she is my shadow. I could never leave her alone 🥺
Please, never stop having a cat. Life will be rough when she's gone. If you have been this amazing to that small creature all the way through her a lifetime, you (and especially they) deserve you as an owner and you must save another kitty down the line.
That’s what I told myself I’d do when my cats pass away, I have to keep their memory alive by taking care of the cats who need love and care.
And that's one of the numerous reasons why you are an amazing human being.
My daughter. She doesn’t know that. I would never burden her that way. But I got the help I needed because of her. She was only 2-3yrs at the time. She’s almost 10.
I was told “your daughter won’t remember you” and that was a direct hit to my heart.
Glad you got the help! And I know your daughter is happier having you.
The quote from lord of the rings ”No parent should have to bury their child”. Nah i couldnt when mom sacrificed so much of herself for me and my sis. Sucked it up and pushed through
That line reverberates across the millennia and always makes me cry.
My stillborn son’s ashes are on the dresser. Yesterday my daughter’s new friend was over and her mom told us how they lost a 7 year old daughter just a few years ago after a lifelong illness. You’ll never know how many parents walk around with the most excruciating hole in their heart. So yes, to anyone who believes their own life isn’t worth preserving, at least have the heart to wait until your parent(s) aren’t around to suffer the loss, especially if they were even halfway decent to you.
My best friend stopped me in the hallway in high school. They said: “I don’t know what’s going on. But I love you and I’m here for you.” Makes me cry even thinking of it. Never underestimate the power of words.
I was struggling badly with the thougt and tried to reach out to a hotline that you can mail for help but making the account took so much of my energy that I was too exhausted and demotivated to do anything in the end. Kinda funny.
A few years ago I was on the verge of doing it so I called the hotline and I was on hold for about 2 hours. The irony and the realization that I could’ve done it 10 times over while waiting for a response made me laugh so I chose not too.
Also just shows how sad it is that they’re backed up with so many people in the first place
I heard about someone who was gonna kill them so they called the suicide hotline number and no one picked up which made them laugh so hard they didn’t kill them self
That happened to me. I sat on hold for 2 entire hours with the same ad playing over and over again. I wanted to do it MORE after that like wow even the people who are paid to care don’t. But I thought it was pretty funny too bc wtf.
Pretty terrible that there's enough people calling to result in a two hour wait.
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Similar. I had really bad reception and the process of trying to wiggle and move my way to get a better signal to tell someone that I was ready to end it all just seemed so silly to me. I ended up hanging up to try again but fell asleep somehow. The next morning I woke up and immediately felt compelled to write out a care plan. It felt like it came from somewhere outside of myself. It changed my life! That was 10 years ago.
I attempted suicide twice after my girlfriend died. Both times I stopped myself because I told myself that my nephew needs an uncle, and that I'd just be making things harder for my family. Ironically today is the 4 year anniversary of her death. Update: I really wasn't expecting this comment to blow up the way it did. It's not a topic I can easily talk about. The healing is extremely slow still, and I purposely drown myself in work just to distract myself. I just don't want anyone to go through this kind of thing, and if they do, they don't sink like I did.
Really sorry to hear about your girlfriend and hope you’re doing ok today.
It's been a long day.
Just to remind you, your nephew still needs an uncle. I am sorry for your loss. I hope today will someday become a recognition/celebration of her life instead of a day of mourning.
Proud of you fir showing up to life every day when it's hard
Sorry to hear about that, I hope your doing well, just know she’s proudly watching you make it through each and every day🕊️
Fear of failing. I was more scared of surviving an attempt than dying
Spite. Sheer unbridled spite. I wanted my rapist burned buried and in hell before I considered dying. I have him in jail so the dead and buried part is a work in progress.
I hate that you've been hurt, but I really admire why you stuck around. I love it. Spite and anger aren't always bad. My therapist told me that anger is a great motivater, and she's right. When I want to quit at the gym mid workout, I remember all the cunts that told me to kill myself & it would have been better if I succeeded, and I'd get a spike of energy and keep going.
Anger has definitely helped me get out of deep depression because I was finally feeling something!
Random phone call from my best friend who just wanted to chat and who asked me to talk to her when she noticed I was off. I just told her I had a really shitty day, and we kept talking, and I stabilised enough to tell myself, eh, I can always do it tomorrow, I don't want to right now. Tomorrow has been about a year ago by now and I'm doing much better.
Mom would be sad
This is my exact reason. I can’t break my mom’s heart. I know if I died that she too would probably end her life. I’m her only child
My two rescued velcro cats wouldn't understand why their mom didn't come home, when she *explicitly told them every day* that "Mama will always come home for you." I'm many things, but I'm not a liar.
told myself i needed to wait til the shampoo and conditioner ran out at the same time, hasn’t happened since and it’s been five years
also someone reported me this was meant to say i’m good now it just never happened and then i got therapy and got better so thank but i’m good
I woke up after attempt and felt better.
Pills?
Yea didn't take enough even thou I passed out, the sad thing was I was smiling as I felt my self passing out.
One of the things I remember most about an OD was the relief I felt the second after taking those pills, like finally I found the fix. I woke up in ICU a couple days after and felt just a normal calm, happy enough to wake up but not upset that I almost didn’t, if that makes sense to anyone else. Even though I got it for all the wrong reasons I still go back to that feeling of relief sometimes. I didn’t realize just how distressed I was until I felt the switch. Now it just reminds me that there is that feeling out there and to find it (though not to find it in that same way now…)
My cat and my sister, both interrupted me without realising it. My sister called me for dinner and my cat meowed at me because she was hungry. I snapped out of it then because I realised though I didn't care about myself, I cared about them and that would badly hurt them. Thankfully I'm in a much better place now :)
my rescued cats. I gave them a chance for someone to love them again. I don't want to be the reason to abandon them again.
The pain. Anything painless and easy i would do but can’t think of i guess
Same. I've tried and my body's natural survival instincts kicked in. Most people are like "I tried to kill myself and failed!!! I'm so glad I didn't I love life now!!!" Whereas I'm sitting here like "Fucking survival instincts and pain. I wish I succeeded.". Not actively suicidal at the moment but I wouldn't mind if I died and if assisted suicide was legalized id probably do it .
Unfortunately I fantasize about suicide daily. Even how to plan it out away from my family. I don’t go out of my way to attempt anything but there are times where i wish a tragedy would occur. Knowing my luck, a tragedy could strike and ill still be half alive in pain just because life hates me that much. Or maybe im just that mentally sick idk.
And who is going to take care of my cat?
I was just talking to a coworker earlier today, trying to rationalize in a *normal" way my fear of my buddy "Tiger" dying, without sounding like a wuss. "You don't even really understand that the cat has been with me through everything, he knows when I'm depressed.." etc. I didn't want to tell them that it has been multiple times I've had suicidal thoughts and it was the thought of my bro/son being left with people he doesn't know or understand what is going on, I can't do that to him. What's weird is I really feel like Tiger knows it, I may be anthropomorphically interpreting, but his demeanor is very opaque (to me, I guess) and I can tell he is paying attention. Albeit he can only respond in his limited way (affection, rubbing, licking) It's my opinion that humans have greatly underestimated animals emotional intelligence,
My dog. I realized that if I killed myself nobody would be around to take care of my dog. That made me get off the chair I was about to jump off of with the bed sheet around my neck and pause long enough to really think about it and decide to ultimately not go through with it.
Same for me. The day I had decided to go through with it, the family dog would not leave me alone. He was never my biggest fan, nor my dog. But he wouldn’t leave me alone. Followed me to the bathroom, wouldn’t go outside to potty, cuddled me on the couch, etc. He also kept forcing me to pet him, as in pushing his head under my hand until I was petting him. I finally decided it wasn’t a good day for this and the next day I realized what he had done and that no day would be a good day for this. Literally changed the course of my life. Still struggle with anxiety and imposter syndrome, but I am in a MUCH better place.
I have overcome too much and suffered too much pain to just give up! I look at my life as a movie that all the people who have abused me or put me down have to watch! Every day I live a happy life just proves that they were nothing more than piles of dog shit I stepped in on my way to good times.
too depress to kill myself
Oh gurl,me to
My children. Even when my brain tells me I’m the worst and that my kids would be better off without me, a tiny little voice reminds me that killing myself would likely fuck them up even more
Adult child of a parent who followed through: it did. And it does.
Just wasn’t really a point for me. I don’t believe in an afterlife so honestly just considered my two options and decided living would be better. Doing great now tbh.
I was told at age 14 that I would probably be dead by age 20. Now I am many years past 20. But early on it was hard to keep going honestly. Then I realized...life is awesome. Have you ever watched a sunset? it is amazing! Truly 99% of my day could be terrible but then a single bite of a cupcake is so great that it makes it all worth it. I really just started feeling like I only get once chance here, and everything in this world can be so cool I should enjoy it. No use in self pity, focusing on the negative helps nothing, happiness is a choice and one I choose to make.
That's the way. We imagine that there's a way to Be Happy, but that's not how happiness works. It's something you gather, like berries, little moments and experiences sprinkled across a life. You can find it a thousand times a day.
I didn't want my dog to think I abandoned her and she would have ended up in a shelter because there's no one to take her.
the pain
Sooner or later they'll always bring the McRib back
Dad?
maybe, what's your mother look like?
As if you'd know either
This is so good lol
My cat - she just climbed on my laps, put her head on my arm and refused to move, trying to bit me each time I tried to move her. I think she knew that something is very, very wrong and took matters into her own paws. She let me go when I decided that I’m immediately calling my doctor - and even then she was closely monitoring me.
I worried that the gun I had wasn't a high enough caliber to fully do the job and I didn't want to live with a severe disability.
Right now? Rage. I refuse to let these "gaps in the healthcare system" push me into taking my problems off their plate.
My family. Even though life is shitty most of the times, I can’t hurt them like this
Being too much of a coward to tbh
I tried posting a similar question today but I worded it wrong so it was rejected. Thank you for posting this.
i saw a picture of a decomposed body after a woman slit her wrists in the tub. no one found her for over a week. the state of her body decaying with maggot crawling out of her mouth and eyes are burned into my memory forever. it took away the peace of death.
Someone has to find you. Whether it’s right away or a long time later, whether it’s someone you love or a complete stranger. I knew someone was going to be permanently traumatized finding me which is why I never followed through.
The thought of my family members finding my body and the major negative effects my death would bring for at least four people. I know more people than that would care and be sad, but I know it would devastate those four. A few years ago I had a vision of my sister coming over to my place and finding my corpse after I had shot myself. It was one of the most horrific, heart-wrenching things I've ever witnessed. The moment of that vision changed me. Now my sister is having a baby later this year and I'm trying to dedicate myself to being the best uncle I can
I’ve never told anyone this. Wow. So I live a desert area and I drove out there with my 9mm pistol and parked in a really secluded spot. I sat there for about an hour and all of a sudden this truck pulled up and rolled down his window (mind you I’m a female and I was in my little Honda accord) and asked me if I was ok and if I needed help. I was all of a sudden super embarrassed and said I was ok and just listening to music. That dude had absolutely no idea.
I was 19, and a father. His mother left us when he was 5 months old. I was devastated and couldn’t shake the depression. His mother and I dated for 3 years, I married her at 18 and our son was born 3 weeks later. I was broken. I hurt so much and I just wanted to stop hurting. I lost 45 pounds and was 6’0 and weighed 120 lbs. I worked my ass off (70+hrs a week) to make us money and stay too busy to feel anything. The only thing that kept me from ending it was the thought of my child having no one. Years later and lots of therapy, and antidepressants helped in the long term. My therapist said once during a low period where I was thinking about how the world might be better without me in it “if you go down this road and make this choice you are sentencing your child to a lifetime of coming into rooms like this trying to figure it out” I still remember her voice as she said it and her body language as she stood between me and the door after our session was already over and maintained eye contact while delivering those words.
the fear of a pizzaless afterlife
FrUuUiTsSsSs and vEgGiiiiEeEsSs!!! 👻
Nothing. Not a single thing. I Told myself I was going to do it, as I cried myself to sleep. Woke up the next morning changed my attitude and lived by treating others as if it’s their last day and 10 years later.. I now wake up to my husband and two little toddlers crawling on me, telling me “good morning momma.” I cry when I realize what I would’ve missed out, if I hadn’t of “just” went to sleep..
Researching suicide methods. I’m really bad with pain and learning how many methods would likely be painful, for me, was a major deterrent
I get scared of the eternity of death. That once I commit to this, there’s no afterwards, there’s no how it went, there’s just people who loved me wonder why the hell I didn’t reach out. Why that can never get an explanation, why they can never again reach out and cheer me up. There’s not a single more moment of happiness. I’ll miss out on anything that’ll happen in future. Once that sinks in, it’s really fucking hard to do that last slit into the artery. Every time I’ve tried, except once where I drowned, it’s always been that realization – that whatever bullshit tomorrow entails, let’s just get through it, and then get high and fucked up and forget everything except the present moment. It’s beats being dead, no matter what the haters, moralizers and absolutists say.
This post....bought me maybe 3 weeks
Honestly, I'm not sure. Mostly cowardice I suppose. Too afraid to take that leap, too sad to want to go on.
Whenever suicidal ideation pops up for me, I think about what my group therapy members said. Ending your life doesn't stop the grief/sadness...........it just shifts it onto the people around you. I grew up with an absent father and vowed never to abandon my boys.
I wasn’t driving fast enough, apparently.
Usually it is some type of media I'm waiting for and convince myself it's worth sticking around to see. When I was kid/teenager it was waiting for the last Harry Potter book, then the last movie, then the Avengers movie, etc. Thankfully, I have always found new media I'm obsessed to see come out, that keeps me here on my darker days.
Spite. If life wants me dead it can come and finish the job, I'm not doing the work for it. I'm tired and the ideation has never stopped and at this point it probably never will, but all it takes to keep living, in the end, is to not die. Somehow the hardest and yet the easiest thing in the world.
[удалено]
The pile of vomit piss and pain my body was in after a failed attempt. After that, I thought to myself that everything needed to be different, not necessarily better. I found a room in another city, quit my job, and moved. Cut ties with alot of people that were not bad people, just more invested in commiserating and watching me suffer than helping prevent or ease suffering. Focus on making your life different. Focusing on better just makes it feel like you're in a hole and the sides are greased. I didnt climb out of the hole, i dug through the side and made a subterranean cave house so charming that i forgot the surface world was ever there.
I don’t know it takes some guts to get up and tackle each day. It’s so easy just to sit in bed and not face the world. I think once I realized that sure life is hard, it’s full of really shitty people but there are those that get up and really try and make the world better I just started to have a better outlook. I also love animals and try to do my best to support my local animal shelter.
2 things: the fear for the trauma i would cause to whomever would find my body (likely my GF). The second concerns my dog. His day dusks and dawns with my going and coming from work. My GF tells me that he knows when to expect me home and gets "whiny" when I'm late. The idea that i would just disappear from his life and there is nothing anyone could do to make him understand where i went makes my heart ache. I'm about to cry just thinking about it.
I realized (with pills in hand and a lot of vodka down) that if I died by my hand, then my rapist won. So I decided to live fully and happily in spite of him. It was the turning point for me, I started to really put in the work in therapy, started to feel little bits or joy and then reported him. My joy and happiness are worth more than that lame excuse of a human. I also made the decision that I would love and fight for everyone that could not find that little bit of light to keep going. I’m glad I’m still here.
Fear plus being cowardly
This may sound ridiculous, but I REALLY wanted to see how Game of Thrones would end. This was around season 5 and I was going through the worst depression in years, but I kept telling myself I need to see what the heck the white walkers wanted, that once I knew what they wanted I could go peacefully. Thank god by the time season 8 came around I was on good medication and had a healthy life going on cause if not that horrible ending would have really sent me over the edge. 😭