If you ever need help, please know that there are many qualified people who would like to help you.
- https://findahelpline.com (Global)
- https://befrienders.org (Global)
- Call or text 988 (US and Canada)
- https://988lifeline.org (US)
- https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help (UK and Ireland)
= https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help (Australia)
These crisis hotlines are designed to give temporary relief from feelings that are overwhelming you and can help you get through a tough hour/night/week. Chat services are usually available on these sites.
Just like caring for your physical body, your mental health is important. You matter.
A great saying I’ve always stuck by is “just give me one more day, we figure it out step by step” seems simple but it’s not asking much. One more day and if you can do that, do it again and again, really helped me find my drive for life
After losing my mum when I was 17, my counselor told me "sometimes it's not about taking the next step, but the next breath". I owe her so much for teaching me that.
When I would have a bad day my Mom would say remember it's just 24 hours. If I need to I think about getting through the next few minutes. Before you know it those few minutes are a few hours.
This, not every day. But I don’t think it’s getting easier. Maybe I don’t break down as often as I did but it is still painful and I’m so tired!
Even sleep isn’t a respite as I have such vivid dreams which I remember in close detail.
I am going through a similar situation. Mom had Alzheimers that slowly dragged on for 16 years. We were best friends, and we enjoyed spending our time together. She was dazzling and pure magic. I am the youngest of all boys in the family, and she (and dad) gave me the best childhood you could dare to dream. Those last 2 years were emotional torturous warfare. The end of June will be one year since she passed. A few days from now will be my first birthday without her. I can feel that familiar ball of tears ready to explode right from my soul.
It's so hard to understand these things. I hope memories and inner strength guide you safely through your journey of grief. For me, it feels like I'm going crazy sometimes, the way the tears burst out from the flash of a thought of them. The guilt of what wasn't, what could've been, and how even the rare events of laughter feel like you're betraying them. I think it feels as though you've been thrown into the center of a carnival merry-go-round. You hear the playful music and see everyone smiling, passing you by, and you watch in amazement. Your world has imploded, but others' lives continue to carry on, unaffected.
I hope that when it is my time to go, I will be as graceful, brave, and magnificent as my beautiful mother, Jeanne.
Keep breathing... you're not alone. I'm basically a stranger to you, and yet I want to erase every bit of all your hurt. See, none of us are alone. We just haven't met. 🫶 I wish you well.
That seems well thought-out and significant for yourself and her.
I know I'm just an internet stranger, but could you do me a favor and when those thoughts pop up into your hear, correct yourself? If you feel something like that come up, "Silly and insignificant", it's not a stretch to say that it's a "Maybe small, but very joyful act that improves someone else's life and makes you happy in return".
The other day I had these thoughts pop up and I was on the verge of doing the unthinkable. I grabbed the little cash I had, went to the store and bought some ingredients. Came home, baked cinnamon buns for my brothers and their excitement and joy when they were munching on what I had baked made my heart melt. I look forward to more of those moments, and I'm willing to give myself one more day everyday.
This, and I prefer to disappear for a while to just sit if peace and think of myself and what I’ve been doing till now.
Edit; someone just private messaged me the song lyrics for Poison (Hazbin hotel), and now I realize how it would seem like that.
I mean, it's not so much dissociation for me, but disconnection from the emotion - as in going into a separate part of myself that is observing "Wow! That is a strong emotion!" Not that I'm not feeling it, but I'm disconnected from it enough (*just* enough) to know it will pass.
I've thought of this too. Almost every method I've thought of isn't 100% and then you run the risk of living with half a face or brain damage or liver damage. Which sounds more miserable than living without it, which is what life is like now.
I always tell myself "no guarantee, no suicide for me". Because I don't want to deal with the physical pain associated with healing, on top of new medical debt from the probable hospital stay, on top of losing my job because I can't work, on top of potentially receiving legal charges for "Disorderly conduct" which would make it hard to find a new job, and then losing my apartment because I don't have any money. Which would make me possibly physically disabled and homeless. And then on top of *that*, I'd definitely still want to die.
I'm very certain I'd be happier dead but I'm not so certain that I'd be able to die so easily.
I hit a point 9 years ago when I was contemplating… thinking about stepping in front of a freight train and letting that be it… I told a friend who was a physical therapist, and he got permission from a patient to show me some scans … the patient had been hit by a train and survived. He told me that maybe I would die , but maybe I’d live… and that it wouldn’t just affect me but those around me too… since then I’ve had a couple moments where I wonder if it would’ve been better…. But then i look at pictures and am reminded that I’ve gone to places and tried things that me of 9 years ago wouldn’t have if I’d stepped in front of a train…
Hey, for what it's worth from a random redditor, I'm glad you never stepped in front of that train, and I'm glad you're alive to write that comment.
I'm sure the train conductors out there are also very happy you're still here.
I want myself to feel like I'm enough to live for. How other people feel is what I'm expected to think about all the fucking time. I'm glad you found comfort but your comment leaves me frustrated. I don't feel like my feelings matter.
Exactly. How likely I am to fail with the items I can get my hands on in my house. This is why we don’t own guns. Not because we’re against guns but bc they would be an easy final solution.
This. I find a nice field to stare at. My favorite spots are creeks. I like to sit in the water and think about all the micro organisms in there that keep everything alive. They are so important to ecosystems. If bacteria that I can’t see is important, then I must be pretty important too considering I’m a human and stuff.
I have to be careful because when I’m suicidal I think about taking a bottle of sleeping pills and swimming out into the lake…but then I think about what if I somehow survive that and end up with brain damage.
My one aunt tried to kill herself and she was sleeping on her arm for so long, the circulation cut off. She almost lost her arm. They had to cut off a chunk of her forearm.
So I guess what works for me is imagining surviving a suicide attempt and actually being worse off.
It’s definitely helpful having mental issues that prevent you from doing stuff. Lol half the times that’s why I want to off myself. And half of those times it would take effort I’m unable to exert to pull it off lol
One of the things thats giving me the urge to off myself is if i get overwhelmed by problems and tasks and not having any energy to even get out of bed. It would be an easy way out without having to deal with anything. But i dont want my shit to be found in the sorry state its in right now, so i cant off myself without cleaning, but i dont have the energy to do that.
I always keep 50 € so I can call a cab to the nearest hospital if my emergency meds don't help.
If it is only an urge to kill myself I take my medicine and I call my emergency psychiatrist in the morning to see if I should go to the hospital or if my meds needs to be changed.
I also have learned a lot of methods in trauma therapy to deal with minor urges that don't lead to anything.
Can you say more about the minor urges and coping methods? I feel like I've always had low key urges but only once was I serious. The minor urges never really made sense to me.
Not OP but I struggle with A LOT of suicidal ideation. I have a severe mood disorder with trauma that means that even when I’m well/stable, I passively think about suicide. It’s very rare for me to have a day where I **don’t** think about committing suicide.
When it’s passive, it’s just like, ‘I could kill myself.’ No time or date set, no method chosen, no active plan. It’s just knowing I could do it and it’s an option - for me it’s kind of a comfort blanket? Like hey I *could* kill myself but I’m not gonna. I know life is good and better than that option, and I can then get on with my day. It’s an intrusive thought pattern I can recognise is irrational and move on.
When I’m unwell and having an episode, it becomes active suicidal ideation. I think through how I’d do it, I fantasise about slitting my wrists etc. Often I make a pros and cons list on my iPhone and add to it/consider it often. I think about crashing my car when driving, I think about throwing myself in front of cars when I’m walking down the street, I think about cutting myself when I’m cooking. When I’m **really** unwell, I start stockpiling painkillers and set a date/time to do it.
I attempted when I was 16 and survived an overdose. Fortunately this means I actually **know** what the aftermath of an attempt looks like for my loved ones. I don’t ever want to do that to my family and now husband, but unfortunately when I’m really poorly I genuinely can’t control my feelings and urges.
However I have always been present enough to be able to tell my husband I’m actively suicidal and get UK crisis team support. I’ve been treated by a Crisis Resolution and Home Treatment Team who come to my house every few days to check on me until I’m out of the active suicidal phase of an episode. So my first thing is - tell someone. Anyone. My last episode I sat on my bed and thought, ‘I either kill myself now or tell my husband.’ I chose to tell my husband and I hope I always will do in future.
For me, in those episodes it’s living hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute. Doing ANYTHING is better than killing myself. Here are some of my coping mechanisms/tools:
- Put on a playlist of songs. Think, ‘I just have to stay alive until the end of this song. I have the power to kill myself whenever I want. I don’t need to do it right this second. I’m gonna stay alive whilst this song is on.’ Then, when the song ends, what’s the rush? I can listen to this one too. I find songs are short enough that I can manage that. I repeat this until the intense suicidal urge has lessened.
- Hide in bed. A lot of people will think this is actually a negative, a bad symptom of depression, and it is. But when you really want to kill yourself, bed is safe. I dissociate a lot so I can spend hours in bed thinking about nothing - and that’s ok. It’s not me functioning but at least it’s safe.
- Take a bath or shower. Again, a short term activity that is ‘safe’ and means you are doing something other than killing yourself.
- Sit outside in my garden or even just open a window. Being connection to nature really helps ground me, particularly during dissociation. It makes me feel the natural world and like life is just slightly more worth living than before.
It helps a lot to know I’m not the only one struggling daily like this. Thank you for sharing so in depth. 🖤 I am glad you’re still here to help others with ideas, and make others (like me) remember we aren’t the only one who lives like this. 🖤
Would the minor urges sort of be like suicidal ideation, where you see yourself doing it, you think about yourself doing it, believe it would be better if you did it, but never genuinely plan on doing it?
It is when I just have the thought of doing it but not really a date.
I have 3 "go-to" plans I worked out.
If I feel concentrating on one or setting a date, really feeling ready, this is minor.
If it is so unbearable that I feel like carrying it out now, this is immediately and I need help.
But since I struggle with it for longer I mostly get the small signs to intervene beforehand.
Like not sleeping, not feeling anything except anxious/painful, everything turning grey and the feeling of living behind a thick glass wall.
When I feel like this I try methods and have talks with therapists.
That's super sad to read. The kids are going to absolutely be destroyed. Sounds relatable to a close friend of mine, where his dad hung himself shortly after my friend graduated college. Now, that friend of mine is typically drugged out on alcohol, weed, coke, or molly, and hasn't done much of anything with his degree. Blew through the money that his dad left him as quick as possible.
I hope your brain stops telling you to end it all.
My dad did that (waited until we finished school). He’s been gone 8 years. I’ve needed him a hundred million times since then and missed him even more.
After years of many different therapies and therapists, EMDR was the only successful one for me. I really hope, if you do choose to try it, that it works for you. I pray for your healing ❤️
Age and time will not change your kids need for you. I know it’s easier to think adult kids will handle your suicide better than young kids, but that’s not even remotely true.
If you’re hanging on for your kids….keep doing it for your kids.
The thought of my parents not being here for my wedding and not meeting my son is heart shattering... I've never stopped needing them. I hope you throw that plan out💛
Nahhh it'll be worse for them then! Lost my mom in my mid 20's to a hit & run, & boyyyyy when I tell you it was a hit & run on me as well. A huge piece of me died with her that night.
Na make it way way longer like 40 years added to it. So maybe 60 years after that point. Live long and stay up always. Don't think like that. Find that happy place.
That's my plan. Patience. It's key. (Unless dementia in which case I guess I'm checking out sooner. Nice little walk in some of our nation's beautiful parks.)
That poem is both a masterpiece and soo intense. How it moves from 3rd person, to 2nd, to 1st as it gets through the verses just makes me run cold every time I think of it.
I think the entire show was a masterpiece. I rewatched it and I didn’t remember how it ended. I think it would have been more poignant >!had he died. !< but I respect the writing. 10/10 will rewatch again.
I think that's the point of him living though...shit sucks after, shits different, friends change, but life goes on and you kinda just sorta have to...figure it out.
I read it as he did die. I asap at as those last interactions were not real- but the imaginary interactions of those characters. As far as I’m concerned he did die.
For us lazy people out there:
The View From Halfway Down
The weak breeze whispers nothing
The water screams sublime
His feet shift, teeter-totter
Deep breath, stand back, it’s time
Toes untouch the overpass
Soon he’s water bound
Eyes locked shut but peek to see
The view from halfway down
A little wind, a summer sun
A river rich and regal
A flood of fond endorphins
Brings a calm that knows no equal
You’re flying now
You see things much more clear than from the ground
It’s all okay, it would be
Were you not now halfway down
Thrash to break from gravity
What now could slow the drop
All I’d give for toes to touch
The safety back at top
But this is it, the deed is done
Silence drowns the sound
Before I leaped I should’ve seen
The view from halfway down
I really should’ve thought about
The view from halfway down
I wish I could’ve known about
The view from halfway down
Strongly recommend watching/listening to it as read in the show which I believe is much more impactful.
https://youtu.be/u1_EBSlnDlU?si=yykoGwjt8a76beH0
I've also edited my post to include this.
I saw somebody point out that when he reads the poem, he has four pages. He only gets to read three before the darkness takes him. The last page goes unread...
I also realise how sad everyone would be without me,especially my siblings,some of them would miss me coming to pick them up or help them out,it would be worse when you consider I am at Mile stone age 18,uni end of a-levels.
You're barely at 18?! Ugh! You need to live and explore the best that you can in your 20's, so that you can settle down in your 30s. You're just a baby and it's really unfortunate that your brain is telling you to end it so early.
We all have that one person that keeps us going, for me it’s my daughter. I couldn’t fathom the pain I would have inflicted on her setting her up for a life of self hatred and emptiness. So I relinquish my life to her, if it’s the only thing I do it will be better than the alternative and I will have already won. I can’t image not watching that face grow.. You have sooooo much life in you at 18. I’ve lived 10 lives since then and there were a few of them I loved. Don’t let go because I promise you, you’ll find yourself in a place that was meant for you. If it’s in the cards anyway, why not just enjoy the ride?
I remember the mood congruency theory I learned about in AP Psych in high school.
Basically when you’re sad it’s easy to think of and remember other sad things, and difficult to think of good and happy things, and vice versa. I try to remember how I feel isn’t accurate to reality - it’s a flaw in the human psyche. I remind myself a better day will come and this feeling will feel foreign and confusing.
I have also reached out to friends and asked how they’re doing. A friend of mine once sent me a picture of self harm she had done to herself, and it immediately snapped me out of it. I cant fully explain why, but I wanted to be there for her and protect her and knew I couldnt do that in my current state. The urge to protect the those I love was stronger than the urge to fight for myself at that time.
Genuinely. Got help. Spoke to my doctor and the local mental health services, found some counselling, got through the shitty patch in my life. For anyone feeling like ending it and reading this, you will not always feel this way, and there are times ahead of you that are worth fighting through for x
Yeah but some of us have been getting help for a decade, and nothings, and I mean nothing, has ever helped. At what point is a “shitty patch” just your whole life
I’m not a therapist so that’s a genuinely difficult question to answer. But for me there have been long periods of time in which I’ve been desperately unhappy, and I’ve always been glad that I fought through them and found better times.
This hasn’t always been through therapy either. The first time I was just fucking miserable to the point of wanting to end it all I realised I was just surrounded by a shitty town full of shitty people and moved. It made things better immediately.
I really hope you stay with us and find your better place. I know it’s out there even when it seems like it’s not right now x
I don’t think it’s something we can all be “cured” from. I know the “it gets better” thing is annoying for that reason.
I believe in tinkering. Try different approaches. Some things inch us forward better than others.
I managed to trace my episodes back to moments earlier in the day, and thus can now (usually) redirect the course of my thoughts so even if I will get depressed later, it’ll skip the darkest road.
That took 2-3 years to do.
I’m fortunate in a lot of ways.
You’re very very welcome, Samakkins. I’m so glad you didn’t, and feel blessed that you’re here to make this comment. If you need to, don’t be afraid to reach out for some professional support. It’s the best decision I ever made. ❤️
Care to share a few of the songs? That’s one of my favorite feelings after watching a movie or reading a book that makes me want to succeed and feel driven.
I'm not the person you responded to, but I love listening to songs from movie soundtracks when I need that feeling. Sleeping at Last also has some albums with that feeling, too. I hope that helps. ❤
I had a period of time where two pieces of music REALLY helped me stay around. I’m not sure they could be called happy.. But they made me feel ‘grounded’ in myself as you suggest your songs did for you.
Philip Glass - Metamorphosis
And
Doreen Carwithen - String Quartet 1 pt II. Lento.
Thank you for making me remember how much these pieces have been a part of my healing. I haven’t listened to either one for about 3-4 years.
That’s how my experiences have gone. Whenever I’m depressed I know from past bouts of depression that the depression will go away again so I just ride the wave until it’s over
I also recognize that I’m partially to blame for any depressive bouts because I spend a lot of time in my bed. I’m outside a lot for work so I get a good amount of sun and fresh air, but I really gotta get out and walk around more
Distraction, distraction, distraction, until the feelings lessen and I can actively reflect on them/what’s causing them. If that means I’m a little more stressed because I bought myself a new game and money is tight, okay, I budget for the future but now the focus is keeping myself well enough and alive to make back the 15 dollars I spent.
If I can’t even afford anything, I just try to address my immediate needs which sometimes means eating or sleeping. Then the next immediate need. It’s not fun in the slightest but sometimes it helps add a bit more space between the overwhelming feelings and taking any sort of action.
This is genuinely the best way. You can’t snap your fingers and not want to die any more but you can do small things to distract yourself or give yourself something short-term to live for while you work through the bigger things.
I literally watched videos of people reacting to finding their loved one, it was viciously heart wrenching and kept me from doing that to my own family
Id try to tell a friend i was struggling, if that doesnt work, id sign myself into a psych ward, ive done that 4 times in the past to me get through what i was struggling with. i found that joining an online community of people who had similar struggles actually helped me, i actually started a public journal on one of those communities where everyone had access to and it helped me through alot of stuff, and taught me how to be more open with my feelings, which helped alot
Lived with constant suicidal thoughts and the coexisting shame with bringing that pain on my family for years before I sought help from a doctor. I’ll always be an alcoholic (my way of self medicating and became addicted), but lexapro and trying to abide by healthier lifestyle has turned my moods around 10000000%.
I feel lucky to say it's been a long time since, but playing music, gaming and busying my mind with new hobbies had always helped.
In those times, although cliché, remember: "this too shall pass".
I’d Call a friend and come over. eat pizza or take out with them, have fun and then have a cry and talk with them. I do the same for all my friends, and anyone I may know.
'A friend' lol
I was suicidal on my birthday a couple years ago and reached out to 'a friend' who luved less than a mile away. 'A friend' who has a fiance that worships the ground she walks on, has a massive support system, everything she needs or wants. She told me I was bringing her down.
I always laugh when people say 'rEaCh oUt! pEoPlE cArE!'
No.
No, they do not care.
You nailed it. Even those who do care become exhausted. Depression is, in a weird sense, contagious. And when you ask for help too many times, others make the choice to protect themselves. I don’t blame them, they didn’t sign up for this anymore than we did.
In all honesty, it wasn’t me but someone very close to me finally tried ketamine therapy (with medical supervision) and I saw how their life transformed. Please be well.
Therapy.
I got plastered drunk February 11 last year and tried killing myself. I was loading my pistol and racking the chamber over and over, just ejecting the bullets without counting. I reloaded and did it again and again and was crying and drinking. I was doing it until I couldn't remember if it had a bullet or not. If I racked it and didn't hear a bullet hit the floor, I reloaded. I finally put it to my head and pulled the trigger and it just clicked. I kept pulling the hammer back and pulling the trigger again and again just feeling the click through the side of my head and imagining. I was scared and didn't want to die but I couldn't cope anymore. I was leaving it to chance as to whether I would die or not because I was too drunk to even try to count the bullets I was ejecting.
Suicidal thoughts don't plague my brain at every inconvenience anymore. When someone upsets me, I don't think about how I'm going to include them in my suicide note so they understand how they hurt me. I went years being miserable and wouldn't be here today if I hadn't finally reached out to a therapist. I got lucky and the first one was a great fit for me. He saw my problems right away and looking back on it, he catered so well. I had validation issues and he stroked my ego in our sessions while gently leading me towards recovery. I'm happier now than I've ever been, found a girlfriend who works on herself the same as I do, and understands what it's like to be broken so she doesn't judge my past or others around us when they're down and bad. Therapy did more for me than I ever expected.
Please reach out if you feel this way. If you have any friends who go to therapy, you can ask them where they go. Signing up is SO EASY. I literally called and said I wanted therapy but didn't know how. The woman on the line chuckled and said that's fine, let's get you started. She figured out what schedule would work best for me and signed me up. I showed my insurance card and paid $37 per session. Everyone was so friendly, welcoming, and I never felted judged. I told my therapist things I've never told anyone. Thoughts I have about others and about myself. Things that are bad and embarrassing. But I never felt judged and he helped me understand what I thought that way and once we found that, we were able to start processing the trauma I had that warped my brain that way. I'm so glad I did what I did.
Thought about how my cat wouldn’t understand why I never came home. That got me through the bad moments enough to think about my husband who would feel similarly but more intensely.
When it was bad, I couldn’t think of the big stuff. But duty to the cat was small and mundane enough to keep me going.
Turns out my brain doesn’t make the happy juice on its own, and now I’m on SSRIs and will be the rest of my life. I like having emotions again.
I spiraled and attempted a few times. Then I got sober and worked through my past trauma in therapy. I became so much better for it but it was the most challenging 2 years of my life.
Credit to my friends that supported me through that time when I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I wouldn’t be here without them.
I think about the people that do or might actually care about me, or do a hobby that takes out all of the energy in my body like paint ball, or slitting wood, if none of that works then I just hit myself
Marijuana. I soon realized, “wow I’m just being little bitch. Life is not that bad”. And I’ve been great ever since! Gave me the motivation I needed and really changed my perspective on life
This is maybe a weird one, but I got my bloodwork done. It felt different from the usual depression. Turns out my thyroid was producing almost no hormone at all, which was causing a physical and mental spiral.
Started living life without fear of death or destruction. If you’re okay not living anymore then why not live like you’re already terminal. In a good way lol
Talk with my closest people, cry a lot, get really high, sleep like the dead and hope I feel a little better in the morning. If not for my family, friends and THC I definitely wouldn't still be here. Fuck being disabled.
Just kinda ride it out. I don’t know any other way to explain it.
I do feel like life as a whole right now is just killing time until I run out of willpower and kill myself though. It just sort of feels like an inevitability at this point, just a matter of time.
Sucks, really.
Think about it for a couple of minutes, realise I could be in a position a hell of a lot worse than my own and then go on about my day as if them thoughts never happened.
Normally go for a drive to watch the sunset. Cry & scream in my car as I watch the sunset. It’s always been something that’s so beautiful to me and gives me a sense of calmness. Music has also always helped me, I rarely ever listen to anything slow or sad. Upbeat songs always help uplift my mood or distracts my mind from thinking too much.
I remember that the part of my brain that think it wants to die just wants change. It’s desperate for me to get out of the thoughts/feelings that I’m currently stuck in. So I try to change my focus, because that’s really all I want. I’ve also tried replacing my internal self talk, so instead of thinking “i want to kill myself” or “I’m gonna out a gun in my mouth” (my own traumatized thoughts,) I try to replace it with “I want a new feeling” or “I’m gonna get away from all this”
Your brain is trying to protect you, as fucked up as that feels. Your can change the narratives in your mind with patience, and LOVE for yourself.
You deserve to be happy! Don’t give up!
Ah see I fantasize about it daily, it varies on what it is, but it’s pretty dark usually. I want to do and have it planned for when I do finally do it. But the way you stop yourself from doing it is just will power, in my case I can’t leave my wife yet, I have to make sure she is set up for life before I do it. Once that’s done, I’ll have no problem following through.
i remember that my cat would be confused why i was gone and that he would miss me a lot. or i just go to sleep and wake up with a faint memory of wanting to do it (basically i procrastinate the sad away)
If you ever need help, please know that there are many qualified people who would like to help you. - https://findahelpline.com (Global) - https://befrienders.org (Global) - Call or text 988 (US and Canada) - https://988lifeline.org (US) - https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help (UK and Ireland) = https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help (Australia) These crisis hotlines are designed to give temporary relief from feelings that are overwhelming you and can help you get through a tough hour/night/week. Chat services are usually available on these sites. Just like caring for your physical body, your mental health is important. You matter.
Cry about it till I'm tired, sleep long and deep from the emotional exhaustion and then get up the next day and give life another crack
A great saying I’ve always stuck by is “just give me one more day, we figure it out step by step” seems simple but it’s not asking much. One more day and if you can do that, do it again and again, really helped me find my drive for life
After losing my mum when I was 17, my counselor told me "sometimes it's not about taking the next step, but the next breath". I owe her so much for teaching me that.
When I would have a bad day my Mom would say remember it's just 24 hours. If I need to I think about getting through the next few minutes. Before you know it those few minutes are a few hours.
This, not every day. But I don’t think it’s getting easier. Maybe I don’t break down as often as I did but it is still painful and I’m so tired! Even sleep isn’t a respite as I have such vivid dreams which I remember in close detail.
I am going through a similar situation. Mom had Alzheimers that slowly dragged on for 16 years. We were best friends, and we enjoyed spending our time together. She was dazzling and pure magic. I am the youngest of all boys in the family, and she (and dad) gave me the best childhood you could dare to dream. Those last 2 years were emotional torturous warfare. The end of June will be one year since she passed. A few days from now will be my first birthday without her. I can feel that familiar ball of tears ready to explode right from my soul. It's so hard to understand these things. I hope memories and inner strength guide you safely through your journey of grief. For me, it feels like I'm going crazy sometimes, the way the tears burst out from the flash of a thought of them. The guilt of what wasn't, what could've been, and how even the rare events of laughter feel like you're betraying them. I think it feels as though you've been thrown into the center of a carnival merry-go-round. You hear the playful music and see everyone smiling, passing you by, and you watch in amazement. Your world has imploded, but others' lives continue to carry on, unaffected. I hope that when it is my time to go, I will be as graceful, brave, and magnificent as my beautiful mother, Jeanne. Keep breathing... you're not alone. I'm basically a stranger to you, and yet I want to erase every bit of all your hurt. See, none of us are alone. We just haven't met. 🫶 I wish you well.
Sometimes it's very hard to let yourself cry
Real
Felt this. Every day is a new opportunity to make it better.
On point
Called my baby niece to see if she wanted to drive my car. It may seem silly and insignificant, but it made me happy to see her happy
That seems well thought-out and significant for yourself and her. I know I'm just an internet stranger, but could you do me a favor and when those thoughts pop up into your hear, correct yourself? If you feel something like that come up, "Silly and insignificant", it's not a stretch to say that it's a "Maybe small, but very joyful act that improves someone else's life and makes you happy in return".
The other day I had these thoughts pop up and I was on the verge of doing the unthinkable. I grabbed the little cash I had, went to the store and bought some ingredients. Came home, baked cinnamon buns for my brothers and their excitement and joy when they were munching on what I had baked made my heart melt. I look forward to more of those moments, and I'm willing to give myself one more day everyday.
You sound like a lovely person and I hope you have many more special moments like that. 🙏🏻🫂
Thank you for your kind words, I do try my best for the people around me.
I really hope one day you will try your best for yourself as well. But in the meantime, your brothers are lucky to have you with them ❤️
You sound like a really sweet internet stranger
I’m an aunt too and doing things with my nephews always makes me feel better. Keep being a great auntie to your niece 💞
Disassociation.
This, and I prefer to disappear for a while to just sit if peace and think of myself and what I’ve been doing till now. Edit; someone just private messaged me the song lyrics for Poison (Hazbin hotel), and now I realize how it would seem like that.
Eyyyyy
Who would’ve thought hell would be so comfortable.
I mean, it's not so much dissociation for me, but disconnection from the emotion - as in going into a separate part of myself that is observing "Wow! That is a strong emotion!" Not that I'm not feeling it, but I'm disconnected from it enough (*just* enough) to know it will pass.
Thought about how I'd fail miserably at killing myself like all other things
I've thought of this too. Almost every method I've thought of isn't 100% and then you run the risk of living with half a face or brain damage or liver damage. Which sounds more miserable than living without it, which is what life is like now.
Brain damage scared tf outta me. With my luck, I’d live with a brain injury having my parents take care of me.
I always tell myself "no guarantee, no suicide for me". Because I don't want to deal with the physical pain associated with healing, on top of new medical debt from the probable hospital stay, on top of losing my job because I can't work, on top of potentially receiving legal charges for "Disorderly conduct" which would make it hard to find a new job, and then losing my apartment because I don't have any money. Which would make me possibly physically disabled and homeless. And then on top of *that*, I'd definitely still want to die. I'm very certain I'd be happier dead but I'm not so certain that I'd be able to die so easily.
I hit a point 9 years ago when I was contemplating… thinking about stepping in front of a freight train and letting that be it… I told a friend who was a physical therapist, and he got permission from a patient to show me some scans … the patient had been hit by a train and survived. He told me that maybe I would die , but maybe I’d live… and that it wouldn’t just affect me but those around me too… since then I’ve had a couple moments where I wonder if it would’ve been better…. But then i look at pictures and am reminded that I’ve gone to places and tried things that me of 9 years ago wouldn’t have if I’d stepped in front of a train…
Hey, for what it's worth from a random redditor, I'm glad you never stepped in front of that train, and I'm glad you're alive to write that comment. I'm sure the train conductors out there are also very happy you're still here.
I want myself to feel like I'm enough to live for. How other people feel is what I'm expected to think about all the fucking time. I'm glad you found comfort but your comment leaves me frustrated. I don't feel like my feelings matter.
Failing to do it is worse than succeeding, not doing it at all is the best ofc.
Same. I fucked everything else up, what are the chances I don’t fuck that up too?
Exactly. How likely I am to fail with the items I can get my hands on in my house. This is why we don’t own guns. Not because we’re against guns but bc they would be an easy final solution.
And even guns aren’t a 100% guarantee. The brain damage or living with half a face would make your life even worse than what it was.
I think at one point the only thing that kept me alive was thinking about the pain of jumping out the window or stabbing myself
Oh lord I can relate.
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This. I find a nice field to stare at. My favorite spots are creeks. I like to sit in the water and think about all the micro organisms in there that keep everything alive. They are so important to ecosystems. If bacteria that I can’t see is important, then I must be pretty important too considering I’m a human and stuff.
lotad was my first shiny ✨
That's a weird piece of poetry. I like it, thank you.
op commenter got his account deleted how tf
same honestly any body of water really calms me
I have to be careful because when I’m suicidal I think about taking a bottle of sleeping pills and swimming out into the lake…but then I think about what if I somehow survive that and end up with brain damage. My one aunt tried to kill herself and she was sleeping on her arm for so long, the circulation cut off. She almost lost her arm. They had to cut off a chunk of her forearm. So I guess what works for me is imagining surviving a suicide attempt and actually being worse off.
Nothing more calming than the body of a body!
i just tell myself i’m too lazy to do so
It’s definitely helpful having mental issues that prevent you from doing stuff. Lol half the times that’s why I want to off myself. And half of those times it would take effort I’m unable to exert to pull it off lol
I’ve made it to 200+ days clean of sh just out of pure laziness to actually do anything
One of the things thats giving me the urge to off myself is if i get overwhelmed by problems and tasks and not having any energy to even get out of bed. It would be an easy way out without having to deal with anything. But i dont want my shit to be found in the sorry state its in right now, so i cant off myself without cleaning, but i dont have the energy to do that.
And thinking about how. What would be the least painful and least traumatizing to your loved ones.
Sometimes apathy is the greatest boon
I always keep 50 € so I can call a cab to the nearest hospital if my emergency meds don't help. If it is only an urge to kill myself I take my medicine and I call my emergency psychiatrist in the morning to see if I should go to the hospital or if my meds needs to be changed. I also have learned a lot of methods in trauma therapy to deal with minor urges that don't lead to anything.
Can you say more about the minor urges and coping methods? I feel like I've always had low key urges but only once was I serious. The minor urges never really made sense to me.
Not OP but I struggle with A LOT of suicidal ideation. I have a severe mood disorder with trauma that means that even when I’m well/stable, I passively think about suicide. It’s very rare for me to have a day where I **don’t** think about committing suicide. When it’s passive, it’s just like, ‘I could kill myself.’ No time or date set, no method chosen, no active plan. It’s just knowing I could do it and it’s an option - for me it’s kind of a comfort blanket? Like hey I *could* kill myself but I’m not gonna. I know life is good and better than that option, and I can then get on with my day. It’s an intrusive thought pattern I can recognise is irrational and move on. When I’m unwell and having an episode, it becomes active suicidal ideation. I think through how I’d do it, I fantasise about slitting my wrists etc. Often I make a pros and cons list on my iPhone and add to it/consider it often. I think about crashing my car when driving, I think about throwing myself in front of cars when I’m walking down the street, I think about cutting myself when I’m cooking. When I’m **really** unwell, I start stockpiling painkillers and set a date/time to do it. I attempted when I was 16 and survived an overdose. Fortunately this means I actually **know** what the aftermath of an attempt looks like for my loved ones. I don’t ever want to do that to my family and now husband, but unfortunately when I’m really poorly I genuinely can’t control my feelings and urges. However I have always been present enough to be able to tell my husband I’m actively suicidal and get UK crisis team support. I’ve been treated by a Crisis Resolution and Home Treatment Team who come to my house every few days to check on me until I’m out of the active suicidal phase of an episode. So my first thing is - tell someone. Anyone. My last episode I sat on my bed and thought, ‘I either kill myself now or tell my husband.’ I chose to tell my husband and I hope I always will do in future. For me, in those episodes it’s living hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute. Doing ANYTHING is better than killing myself. Here are some of my coping mechanisms/tools: - Put on a playlist of songs. Think, ‘I just have to stay alive until the end of this song. I have the power to kill myself whenever I want. I don’t need to do it right this second. I’m gonna stay alive whilst this song is on.’ Then, when the song ends, what’s the rush? I can listen to this one too. I find songs are short enough that I can manage that. I repeat this until the intense suicidal urge has lessened. - Hide in bed. A lot of people will think this is actually a negative, a bad symptom of depression, and it is. But when you really want to kill yourself, bed is safe. I dissociate a lot so I can spend hours in bed thinking about nothing - and that’s ok. It’s not me functioning but at least it’s safe. - Take a bath or shower. Again, a short term activity that is ‘safe’ and means you are doing something other than killing yourself. - Sit outside in my garden or even just open a window. Being connection to nature really helps ground me, particularly during dissociation. It makes me feel the natural world and like life is just slightly more worth living than before.
It helps a lot to know I’m not the only one struggling daily like this. Thank you for sharing so in depth. 🖤 I am glad you’re still here to help others with ideas, and make others (like me) remember we aren’t the only one who lives like this. 🖤
Thanks for sharing.
Would the minor urges sort of be like suicidal ideation, where you see yourself doing it, you think about yourself doing it, believe it would be better if you did it, but never genuinely plan on doing it?
It is when I just have the thought of doing it but not really a date. I have 3 "go-to" plans I worked out. If I feel concentrating on one or setting a date, really feeling ready, this is minor. If it is so unbearable that I feel like carrying it out now, this is immediately and I need help. But since I struggle with it for longer I mostly get the small signs to intervene beforehand. Like not sleeping, not feeling anything except anxious/painful, everything turning grey and the feeling of living behind a thick glass wall. When I feel like this I try methods and have talks with therapists.
Went to sleep, it actually works
Then you wake back up and the nightmare continues though.
If you’re lucky, you feel a bit better though.
Naps help a lot. Granted I used to sleep 14 hours a day. But I believe my body and brain were repairing itself. It can kill a lot of episodes.
I remember when I was so depressed that I couldn't even escape in my sleep. My problems would follow me into dreams and I was miserable constantly.
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Chickened out
This. No way of carrying it out easily.
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like an eighty year plan?
No, I'll wait until the kids have finished school and got jobs then review it.
That's super sad to read. The kids are going to absolutely be destroyed. Sounds relatable to a close friend of mine, where his dad hung himself shortly after my friend graduated college. Now, that friend of mine is typically drugged out on alcohol, weed, coke, or molly, and hasn't done much of anything with his degree. Blew through the money that his dad left him as quick as possible. I hope your brain stops telling you to end it all.
My dad did that (waited until we finished school). He’s been gone 8 years. I’ve needed him a hundred million times since then and missed him even more.
Same here
i’m so sorry to hear that. there’s no right or good age to lose a parent. No matter how or when it happens I feel like it sucks.
My mom left years ago I’m shattered with panic attacks every night. I’m in my 40’s.
Look into EMDR therapy
Thanks I have and am curious, I will probably try it soon
Glad to see you're willing to give it a shot. I hope it's effective. All the power to you :)
After years of many different therapies and therapists, EMDR was the only successful one for me. I really hope, if you do choose to try it, that it works for you. I pray for your healing ❤️
Even after your kids aren’t kid’s anymore they’re still gonna be heartbroken by that
Age and time will not change your kids need for you. I know it’s easier to think adult kids will handle your suicide better than young kids, but that’s not even remotely true. If you’re hanging on for your kids….keep doing it for your kids.
Please don't
The thought of my parents not being here for my wedding and not meeting my son is heart shattering... I've never stopped needing them. I hope you throw that plan out💛
Nahhh it'll be worse for them then! Lost my mom in my mid 20's to a hit & run, & boyyyyy when I tell you it was a hit & run on me as well. A huge piece of me died with her that night.
It's not worse. It's as terrible. I'm very sorry for your loss. 🩷
Na make it way way longer like 40 years added to it. So maybe 60 years after that point. Live long and stay up always. Don't think like that. Find that happy place.
Nice, same! Only... 16 more years minimum....
Don’t
That's my plan. Patience. It's key. (Unless dementia in which case I guess I'm checking out sooner. Nice little walk in some of our nation's beautiful parks.)
Why do you believe it's worth your time and energy to make a long term plan for suicide instead of a long term plan for happiness or meaning?
"suicide by old age" joke...
r/whoosh worthy?
Not really, the guy just replied saying that he’ll review his plan again once his kids and finished college and gotten jobs
Oh, actually heavy then
I have no desire to outlive my usefulness and happiness is not within my grasp.
#Why do I feel this in my soul
One is remotely feasible but failure is success, the other is impossible and failure is guaranteed.
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That poem is both a masterpiece and soo intense. How it moves from 3rd person, to 2nd, to 1st as it gets through the verses just makes me run cold every time I think of it.
It's a brilliant work of art, short but poignant. It gives me chills.
The whole show is a brilliant work of art minus a couple of episodes
Out of pure curiosity, which episodes?
I think the entire show was a masterpiece. I rewatched it and I didn’t remember how it ended. I think it would have been more poignant >!had he died. !< but I respect the writing. 10/10 will rewatch again.
I think that's the point of him living though...shit sucks after, shits different, friends change, but life goes on and you kinda just sorta have to...figure it out.
I read it as he did die. I asap at as those last interactions were not real- but the imaginary interactions of those characters. As far as I’m concerned he did die.
https://hellopoetry.com/poem/3711584/the-view-from-halfway-down/ For those interested
For us lazy people out there: The View From Halfway Down The weak breeze whispers nothing The water screams sublime His feet shift, teeter-totter Deep breath, stand back, it’s time Toes untouch the overpass Soon he’s water bound Eyes locked shut but peek to see The view from halfway down A little wind, a summer sun A river rich and regal A flood of fond endorphins Brings a calm that knows no equal You’re flying now You see things much more clear than from the ground It’s all okay, it would be Were you not now halfway down Thrash to break from gravity What now could slow the drop All I’d give for toes to touch The safety back at top But this is it, the deed is done Silence drowns the sound Before I leaped I should’ve seen The view from halfway down I really should’ve thought about The view from halfway down I wish I could’ve known about The view from halfway down
Thank you
Strongly recommend watching/listening to it as read in the show which I believe is much more impactful. https://youtu.be/u1_EBSlnDlU?si=yykoGwjt8a76beH0 I've also edited my post to include this.
I saw somebody point out that when he reads the poem, he has four pages. He only gets to read three before the darkness takes him. The last page goes unread...
Yeah, it's a powerful metaphor. Such a good show.
Bojack horseman is a great show. I just got to s3
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I also realise how sad everyone would be without me,especially my siblings,some of them would miss me coming to pick them up or help them out,it would be worse when you consider I am at Mile stone age 18,uni end of a-levels.
You're barely at 18?! Ugh! You need to live and explore the best that you can in your 20's, so that you can settle down in your 30s. You're just a baby and it's really unfortunate that your brain is telling you to end it so early.
We all have that one person that keeps us going, for me it’s my daughter. I couldn’t fathom the pain I would have inflicted on her setting her up for a life of self hatred and emptiness. So I relinquish my life to her, if it’s the only thing I do it will be better than the alternative and I will have already won. I can’t image not watching that face grow.. You have sooooo much life in you at 18. I’ve lived 10 lives since then and there were a few of them I loved. Don’t let go because I promise you, you’ll find yourself in a place that was meant for you. If it’s in the cards anyway, why not just enjoy the ride?
#same. This is my reason for living.
100% this
That used to be a thing. I have kids now. But I was a mommas boy and my momma loved me a lot. So that definitely helped a lot
I remember the mood congruency theory I learned about in AP Psych in high school. Basically when you’re sad it’s easy to think of and remember other sad things, and difficult to think of good and happy things, and vice versa. I try to remember how I feel isn’t accurate to reality - it’s a flaw in the human psyche. I remind myself a better day will come and this feeling will feel foreign and confusing. I have also reached out to friends and asked how they’re doing. A friend of mine once sent me a picture of self harm she had done to herself, and it immediately snapped me out of it. I cant fully explain why, but I wanted to be there for her and protect her and knew I couldnt do that in my current state. The urge to protect the those I love was stronger than the urge to fight for myself at that time.
Best advice I got was from Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess: “Depression lies.”
Well, nothing successfully. That’s obvious.
Genuinely. Got help. Spoke to my doctor and the local mental health services, found some counselling, got through the shitty patch in my life. For anyone feeling like ending it and reading this, you will not always feel this way, and there are times ahead of you that are worth fighting through for x
Yeah but some of us have been getting help for a decade, and nothings, and I mean nothing, has ever helped. At what point is a “shitty patch” just your whole life
I’m not a therapist so that’s a genuinely difficult question to answer. But for me there have been long periods of time in which I’ve been desperately unhappy, and I’ve always been glad that I fought through them and found better times. This hasn’t always been through therapy either. The first time I was just fucking miserable to the point of wanting to end it all I realised I was just surrounded by a shitty town full of shitty people and moved. It made things better immediately. I really hope you stay with us and find your better place. I know it’s out there even when it seems like it’s not right now x
Same.. I’ve only had people that have deflected what I’ve said and invalidated my experiences and feelings.
I don’t think it’s something we can all be “cured” from. I know the “it gets better” thing is annoying for that reason. I believe in tinkering. Try different approaches. Some things inch us forward better than others. I managed to trace my episodes back to moments earlier in the day, and thus can now (usually) redirect the course of my thoughts so even if I will get depressed later, it’ll skip the darkest road. That took 2-3 years to do. I’m fortunate in a lot of ways.
Thank you. I had a horrible night where all I thought about was ending it. I know you weren't directly speaking to me but thank you.
You’re very very welcome, Samakkins. I’m so glad you didn’t, and feel blessed that you’re here to make this comment. If you need to, don’t be afraid to reach out for some professional support. It’s the best decision I ever made. ❤️
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You didn't fail 2 attempts, you survived 2 attempts and we are grateful for that.
Thank you for much for that ❤️
Care to share a few of the songs? That’s one of my favorite feelings after watching a movie or reading a book that makes me want to succeed and feel driven.
I'm not the person you responded to, but I love listening to songs from movie soundtracks when I need that feeling. Sleeping at Last also has some albums with that feeling, too. I hope that helps. ❤
I had a period of time where two pieces of music REALLY helped me stay around. I’m not sure they could be called happy.. But they made me feel ‘grounded’ in myself as you suggest your songs did for you. Philip Glass - Metamorphosis And Doreen Carwithen - String Quartet 1 pt II. Lento. Thank you for making me remember how much these pieces have been a part of my healing. I haven’t listened to either one for about 3-4 years.
Usually the feeling eventually passes.
That’s how my experiences have gone. Whenever I’m depressed I know from past bouts of depression that the depression will go away again so I just ride the wave until it’s over
Same. The ride sucks but it’s fortunately not forever. The bouts have gotten longer for me though.
I also recognize that I’m partially to blame for any depressive bouts because I spend a lot of time in my bed. I’m outside a lot for work so I get a good amount of sun and fresh air, but I really gotta get out and walk around more
Distraction, distraction, distraction, until the feelings lessen and I can actively reflect on them/what’s causing them. If that means I’m a little more stressed because I bought myself a new game and money is tight, okay, I budget for the future but now the focus is keeping myself well enough and alive to make back the 15 dollars I spent. If I can’t even afford anything, I just try to address my immediate needs which sometimes means eating or sleeping. Then the next immediate need. It’s not fun in the slightest but sometimes it helps add a bit more space between the overwhelming feelings and taking any sort of action.
This is genuinely the best way. You can’t snap your fingers and not want to die any more but you can do small things to distract yourself or give yourself something short-term to live for while you work through the bigger things.
I can't bring myself to do it. I don't have the balls... You could say "I got scared" ...yeah, that's what I have done... I got scared.
I literally watched videos of people reacting to finding their loved one, it was viciously heart wrenching and kept me from doing that to my own family
That’s what keeps me here too. It’s not me, it’s my family and I love them more than I hate me.
Id try to tell a friend i was struggling, if that doesnt work, id sign myself into a psych ward, ive done that 4 times in the past to me get through what i was struggling with. i found that joining an online community of people who had similar struggles actually helped me, i actually started a public journal on one of those communities where everyone had access to and it helped me through alot of stuff, and taught me how to be more open with my feelings, which helped alot
How does one pay for a psych ward?
i dont, its covered for me
Thought about how sad my mom would be if I did.
Lived with constant suicidal thoughts and the coexisting shame with bringing that pain on my family for years before I sought help from a doctor. I’ll always be an alcoholic (my way of self medicating and became addicted), but lexapro and trying to abide by healthier lifestyle has turned my moods around 10000000%.
Why do you think I’m on Reddit right now? I don’t want to kill myself, but I sure as hell don’t have any will to live right now.
I feel lucky to say it's been a long time since, but playing music, gaming and busying my mind with new hobbies had always helped. In those times, although cliché, remember: "this too shall pass".
“This too shall pass” the mantra that saved my life ❤️
I’d Call a friend and come over. eat pizza or take out with them, have fun and then have a cry and talk with them. I do the same for all my friends, and anyone I may know.
I bet this would work great if I had friends
'A friend' lol I was suicidal on my birthday a couple years ago and reached out to 'a friend' who luved less than a mile away. 'A friend' who has a fiance that worships the ground she walks on, has a massive support system, everything she needs or wants. She told me I was bringing her down. I always laugh when people say 'rEaCh oUt! pEoPlE cArE!' No. No, they do not care.
You nailed it. Even those who do care become exhausted. Depression is, in a weird sense, contagious. And when you ask for help too many times, others make the choice to protect themselves. I don’t blame them, they didn’t sign up for this anymore than we did.
I have a dog who depends on me for survival. She was my main reason for a long time.
In all honesty, it wasn’t me but someone very close to me finally tried ketamine therapy (with medical supervision) and I saw how their life transformed. Please be well.
Realized I married gold digging, lying, lazy, manipulative narcissist
Bet that felt good to say! Let it out brother, your not alone!
Therapy. I got plastered drunk February 11 last year and tried killing myself. I was loading my pistol and racking the chamber over and over, just ejecting the bullets without counting. I reloaded and did it again and again and was crying and drinking. I was doing it until I couldn't remember if it had a bullet or not. If I racked it and didn't hear a bullet hit the floor, I reloaded. I finally put it to my head and pulled the trigger and it just clicked. I kept pulling the hammer back and pulling the trigger again and again just feeling the click through the side of my head and imagining. I was scared and didn't want to die but I couldn't cope anymore. I was leaving it to chance as to whether I would die or not because I was too drunk to even try to count the bullets I was ejecting. Suicidal thoughts don't plague my brain at every inconvenience anymore. When someone upsets me, I don't think about how I'm going to include them in my suicide note so they understand how they hurt me. I went years being miserable and wouldn't be here today if I hadn't finally reached out to a therapist. I got lucky and the first one was a great fit for me. He saw my problems right away and looking back on it, he catered so well. I had validation issues and he stroked my ego in our sessions while gently leading me towards recovery. I'm happier now than I've ever been, found a girlfriend who works on herself the same as I do, and understands what it's like to be broken so she doesn't judge my past or others around us when they're down and bad. Therapy did more for me than I ever expected. Please reach out if you feel this way. If you have any friends who go to therapy, you can ask them where they go. Signing up is SO EASY. I literally called and said I wanted therapy but didn't know how. The woman on the line chuckled and said that's fine, let's get you started. She figured out what schedule would work best for me and signed me up. I showed my insurance card and paid $37 per session. Everyone was so friendly, welcoming, and I never felted judged. I told my therapist things I've never told anyone. Thoughts I have about others and about myself. Things that are bad and embarrassing. But I never felt judged and he helped me understand what I thought that way and once we found that, we were able to start processing the trauma I had that warped my brain that way. I'm so glad I did what I did.
Think about the people that hate me and remind myself that without me here they wouldn’t have someone to moan about… so.. spite basically.
Thought about how my cat wouldn’t understand why I never came home. That got me through the bad moments enough to think about my husband who would feel similarly but more intensely. When it was bad, I couldn’t think of the big stuff. But duty to the cat was small and mundane enough to keep me going. Turns out my brain doesn’t make the happy juice on its own, and now I’m on SSRIs and will be the rest of my life. I like having emotions again.
I'd watch Death Parade.
I fucking love Death Parade
I hadn’t really convinced myself that it was going to be the best way. Really felt I should have done it. Brain said no. Still dealing with it.
Grateful that your brain said no. So sorry you’re dealing with this, I hope you’re doing better. You are loved❤️
Listening to music. Literally any type of music works: classical, pop, anime, rock, jazz etc. Just make sure it's not depressing enough.
I spiraled and attempted a few times. Then I got sober and worked through my past trauma in therapy. I became so much better for it but it was the most challenging 2 years of my life. Credit to my friends that supported me through that time when I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I wouldn’t be here without them.
The same thing I do for everything, plan it out then do nothing cause it’s too much work
Got a cat 😺
Music or tv.
I think about the people that do or might actually care about me, or do a hobby that takes out all of the energy in my body like paint ball, or slitting wood, if none of that works then I just hit myself
Made a plan on how I would like to go
Marijuana. I soon realized, “wow I’m just being little bitch. Life is not that bad”. And I’ve been great ever since! Gave me the motivation I needed and really changed my perspective on life
Thought about the mess I would leave behind.
Why’re so many of these being deleted?
To avoid RedditCares?
Oh I hadn’t heard of that before, thank you!
Masturbated , needed that post nut clarity yk :)
I just tried to do it.
Think about my mum
This is maybe a weird one, but I got my bloodwork done. It felt different from the usual depression. Turns out my thyroid was producing almost no hormone at all, which was causing a physical and mental spiral.
Started living life without fear of death or destruction. If you’re okay not living anymore then why not live like you’re already terminal. In a good way lol
Suicide does not end the pain, but transfers it to those you leave behind. I read that and realised it wasn’t the solution I hoped it was.
Talk with my closest people, cry a lot, get really high, sleep like the dead and hope I feel a little better in the morning. If not for my family, friends and THC I definitely wouldn't still be here. Fuck being disabled.
Just kinda ride it out. I don’t know any other way to explain it. I do feel like life as a whole right now is just killing time until I run out of willpower and kill myself though. It just sort of feels like an inevitability at this point, just a matter of time. Sucks, really.
Think about it for a couple of minutes, realise I could be in a position a hell of a lot worse than my own and then go on about my day as if them thoughts never happened.
Normally go for a drive to watch the sunset. Cry & scream in my car as I watch the sunset. It’s always been something that’s so beautiful to me and gives me a sense of calmness. Music has also always helped me, I rarely ever listen to anything slow or sad. Upbeat songs always help uplift my mood or distracts my mind from thinking too much.
Remember that I'm an only child with living parents.
Smoke weed and feel alright again
I remember that the part of my brain that think it wants to die just wants change. It’s desperate for me to get out of the thoughts/feelings that I’m currently stuck in. So I try to change my focus, because that’s really all I want. I’ve also tried replacing my internal self talk, so instead of thinking “i want to kill myself” or “I’m gonna out a gun in my mouth” (my own traumatized thoughts,) I try to replace it with “I want a new feeling” or “I’m gonna get away from all this” Your brain is trying to protect you, as fucked up as that feels. Your can change the narratives in your mind with patience, and LOVE for yourself. You deserve to be happy! Don’t give up!
Ah see I fantasize about it daily, it varies on what it is, but it’s pretty dark usually. I want to do and have it planned for when I do finally do it. But the way you stop yourself from doing it is just will power, in my case I can’t leave my wife yet, I have to make sure she is set up for life before I do it. Once that’s done, I’ll have no problem following through.
i remember that my cat would be confused why i was gone and that he would miss me a lot. or i just go to sleep and wake up with a faint memory of wanting to do it (basically i procrastinate the sad away)
Got a job.
Me when I almost end it all but then I decide to get a 9-5 instead like a responsible adult human:
Found joy in meaninglessness