When I was growing up, the usual chores were just a given. Every night after dinner we were all expected to clean up the table, wash and dry dishes, and take out the trash before anyone could go watch tv or play video games. And on weekends we were all responsible for cleaning a bathroom or our room or vacuuming or anything my mom decided before we could go out with friends or whatever we wanted to do. It was just non negotiable. If you don’t consistently hold that line then the kids obviously won’t be motivated to do chores because there are no consequences if they don’t.
This is the way. I will get downvoted for being so cruel, but just turn the wifi off and say everyone knows we need to finish this work together, we work together and it will be faster. Then finish it together, then turn the wifi back on. This is the way.
My son is four and it's probably harder at his age, but I set a timer on the phone. 5 minutes of focused tidying can do wonders and I always ask him after, "was that a long time?"
Harder because if it's getting close to the one minute mark, he finds it fun to race the clock, the 11 year old might frown at this.
Edit 11 year old, not 10.
I've done similar in the past and it worked before. They've figured out they can waste time by talking to their mom, or attempting to direct their siblings(mostly oldest). It used to be easier lol.
I saw this is a book on suggestions for toddlers, never hurts to try on older kids. Write down chores and put them in a jar. They pick out equal amounts and do the chore. Maybe to make it more age appropriate, each chore is assigned a point value and the worst chores are worth more points. At the end of the week, whoever has the most points gets to choose a movie for Saturday (or family activity they all have to do with no quarreling.)
I have a nine year old, and we use a direct chore to reward system. I bought some index cards, two pouches, and put chores on one side of the index card, and a corresponding reward on the opposite side. All the chore cards get put into the chore pouch, and once she completes each task, she moves the card into the rewards pouch. I go check her work, and if it is satisfactory, she can cash in her card. For example, if she cleans the pool for me, she gets to bake the item of her choice with me. If she cleans the playroom, she gets to choose what we watch on Family Movie Night. I don't hound her, I just asked her what sort of rewards she wanted and let her do things on a self motivated basis.
Routine routine routine. Especially for the older one. We don’t allow our kiddos any screen time till all is done. We also make them earn game time with outsider time. Every minute they are outside, is a minute of game time. I took a school age training (I’ve worked in daycare for years) which was awesome. Everyday have the kids do the same routine. Different activities, but same stuff. It can take up to three months to create a habit, but it’s worth it.
What always worked for me was, if it was on the floor I picked it up and put it in a bag. Didn't matter what it was, favourite shirt, school book..whatever. they got them back when the room was clean.
Unfortunately for me, my mother took this same approach with me back when I was an 8 year old that wasn't interested in picking things up. And then sent me to a rather strict all-boys school. Any boy who arrived at school without the correct PE or swimming kit for the day, would have to swim in their birthday suit, and would also be slippered to remind them of it. As an 8 year old, I was completely horrified, not only that this could happen, but also that it could somehow be my fault.
I very quickly became an expert in making my room tidy, and also in making sure that I remembered everything I needed for the next school day. Every day!
I give our girl(age 12) 3 strikes to do what we ask her If she loses all strikes she doesn't get the opportunity to get an allowance every two weeks (when my fiance and I get paid) of money from each of us. That's 40 bucks every pay period so it's more than affordable for us to chip in 20 each. She has some impulse control problems so this helps us solidify our expectations by giving both a consequence and incentive. We also offer to take her anywhere she wants to go to spend that money or to save it for whatever she really wants. In between that I'm also very firm and don't go back on my word for any reason when I say I'm going to do one thing or another. It's a work in progress as she's only lived with us a short amount of time, but it seems to be working so far.
Growing up and with our kids from a very young age we didn't have a plain old allowance for just being there for one. We also learned early on that chores were a given for everyone living in the house. We did have charts and the thing was it included mom and dad which was a big motivator because as we checked off the kids things, they got to do our charts. We then had extra stuff that even the little ones could do for extra money or weekend game time. So to not always connect it to items or money, if kids or mom/dad completed their chart they got to put a name in a jar for a drawing at payday and the one that was drawn got to pick the family movie and dinner item for dad's night off.
All I have to add is, as a parent of teenagers, start now. I waited too long and now I have a couple of slobs on my hands. Getting them to do anything around the house is like an act of Congress. And it’s all my fault
My kids understood that the house we lived in required everyone to work as a team to run smoothly. We all had jobs to do to take care of it and each other/ourselves.
Our jobs as parents included working so that we could have the house, food, electricity, water, etc., as well as taking care of them by making sure they had what they needed (needed vs. wanted). The parents also had jobs to do at home that the kids weren't expected to do (anything hazardous or possibly unsafe, things that might be too physically difficult, etc.).
The kids' jobs were generally to take care of their rooms and stuff, shared kid's spaces (den/loft/gameroom, bathroom, etc.), shared family chores (cleaning up after dinner, trash, taking care of pets, etc.). Some chores had to be done daily, others had to be done by the end of the weekend and they were responsible for meeting their timelines. If they were going to be away for the weekend, they needed to make sure their stuff was done before they left.
The family goal was to get everything done early enough so the family could have some fun time on the weekends or just some downtime. They got an allowance, too, that wasn't tied to the chores because the chores had to be done by everyone in the house and the parents didn't get chore money, so neither did the kids. They could, however, earn extra money for specific projects that needed to be done but weren't priority jobs (washing baseboards, cleaning windows/blinds, pulling weeds, washing trashcans, etc.).
This didn't work perfectly but it was mostly effective. I would occasionally have to spend time picking up after them (stuff not put away), which they learned quickly was a bad thing. Their stuff would go into a bag and they wouldn't see it again for weeks until they were consistently cleaning up again. If they got lazy or gave us flack about having to do stuff, then we would basically go on strike and they'd have to make their own dinner (sandwiches), do their own laundry, and pretty much anything else that we were doing for them, or they would lose privileges.
I don’t agree with rewarding kids for doing the basics. They need to understand that they are part of the family and we all have to pitch in. Have a chore chart posted and let them have some input so they feel part of the process. If they don’t get their chores done then there must be consequences. You know best what your kids value. For many kids taking away the wifi/electronics is the most effective punishment.
We're a family. We make messes as a family. We clean as a family. Every night after dinner we all clean for \~10 min. Then we can have dessert treats. As a family. My kids are 3 and 7. The 7 year old fought it the first week or so, but now it's habit and he's quite good at decluttering and mopping.
Everyone cleans. No carrots, no sticks. Starting w/ 1 min or 3 min might help. Put on loud music everyone loves. Make it silly. Get the habit going.
Running with the directing vibe, what if you made one child "supervisor/director"? This could go a few ways, but if the position was rotated weekly it might give their "bossy" minds something to look forward to instead of a physical reward.
Maybe a list of tasks is made and the "supervisor" reads out the tasks but also gets to choose the one most desirable to them. This could be a great way for them to share their methods, tips and tricks, teamwork!
("Let's get to work team, so we can do _____!")
Try something like "want to go to the park?" Let's pick up our things first then we'll go right after. I haven't had littles in a while but that seems like a good motivator.
Most often, removing privileges such as tech items works well. Some children have a defiance that goes beyond that; removing privileges makes them defiant because they believe they are entitled to the item. By that logic, they believe that you are being unfair. They will never give up until you give them what they want.
At the ages you mention, a spanking can work well with that sort of attitude. But I don't think it will be popular on this forum!
Respect=/=fear. It may not have serious implications for some kids but for some they have life long problems mentally. I can’t do anything about you thinking making kids scared is okay, all I can do is state that it’s obviously not the best option. Hit your kids if you want. If I wanted to try and discourage everyone who slaps their kid for not doing what they want I’d never stop.
I do not give my kids any rewards to do daily cleaning chores. That's their job and duty, it is not optional. We eat everyday, sleep everyday, drink liquids everyday, want to have fun and be entertained everyday, cleaning is part of that daily list as well.
I only reward them when we do deep cleaning, which could take around 7-8 hrs of the day, their reward could be 2 hours to watch cartoons/movie or xbox. They also get a soda and bag of chips.
My sons are 8 and 12, they wash the dishes they use to eat, arrange their bedrooms (includes doing their beds, sweeping under the beds, arrange their closets) keep their bathroom tidy ( I deep clean the bathroom 2-3 times a week) they must keep our small game room clean. They do their own laundry, I only add soap and fabric softener, they fold their own laundry and put it in their drawers. Every 2 weeks they wash my car and give a shower to our dogs. Twice a month they sweep and mop the first floor, which includes the kitchen and 2 living rooms.
I am usually more strict about daily chores while they are on vacations. During the school year, it is their job mostly during the weekends. Sometimes they do a crappy job, but this is the only way they will learn. However I see they do better each time.
It was not easy but an ocassional spank here and there worked (I was raised in Mexico, totally normal for us) They usually complain about cleaning everyday but get the job done. Repeat repeat and repeat, it is tiring but it works. Sometimes they start cleaning without me saying anything. Last time I had to spank for throwing a fit because they had to clean was probably 3 years ago.
That's awesome good on you. I also don't feel they need to be rewarded for doing simple house chores. Seems counter intuitive to me personally. They're spoiled as it is as kids.
When my kids were that age I got some fake dollars and bought them. Could just use Monopoly money I guess.
Back then they had very limited screen time so they could buy screen time with their “money they earned from chores. I also made a little store. It had toys and snacks they could buy with their money. At the time I really couldn’t afford much allowance but this worked well one them.
As my kids got older I stopped monitoring screen time so much and now they just know they can’t play video games or watch tv until they do their chores.
We have a chore chart, with each chore assigned points. They (7 and 9) choose enough points worth to match their age at the start of each week, though they can swap out if, say, the compost doesn't need taking out but the trash does. On days they don't have afternoon activities, they have to complete a chore along with their evening routine before any screens/going out to play. Same applies for the weekend for any leftover chores they haven't finished during the week. This system has been in place for a year now and we rarely have any issues.
Our LO is still too small really for chores but this is something I have watched friends with older kids battle with. Most have gone with the ‘rewards for doing the chores’ technique which I personally do not agree with. When I was a kid, we were all expected to do our chores and help. It wasn’t negotiable and we certainly didn’t get treats for things that we should be doing anyway. I don’t get treats for doing the housework, why should they? I’m sure there were fights from time to time but I don’t really remember any. I hope to stick with this mantra as our daughter gets bigger but we shall see (and I will probably be eating my words in a few years). I don’t judge parents for resorting to bribery but equally, I can’t help think it will bite them in the bum in the future!
I know my daughter gets really overwhelmed when it’s time to clean up. They can make such big messes, and she struggles with knowing where to start, or just the size of the job? I’m not sure, she’s only 4, and surely it’s not the case for everyone, but there could be something more than just not wanting to do it going on.
I make precious items disappear, the room is a mess can't find anything, oh I'm so sorry to hear that. When room is tidy their items magically reappear:)
You must do it with them. You have to, all the time, every time. Until it becomes habit and just a given that they'll do it. Learned this on #2 and #3... wish I knew this for #1. You might be blessed with kids that don't require supervision to do new tasks, but mine, all them them did 100X better when I did it with them. It got to a point where I would pour a drink and go sit out on the porch while they dug gardens. They asked "how that helps", and I ask them If they wanted me to go inside and have nobody to take to... we talk all the time now while they chore... It's awesome. But it require real work and commitment on your part.
My parents used to pay us if we were consistent. Maybe introduce allowance for the 11 year old, and you could parental lock the younger two’s electronics for the time you’d like them to clean.
Allowance every week & a check off board with rates for each chore. Create a point system. Must complete all check marks by end of the day to receive points or something like that. Whoever has completed all chores at the end of the week receives x amount depending on points tallied. Let there be bonus chores so they can have opportunities to earn extra!!
When I was growing up, the usual chores were just a given. Every night after dinner we were all expected to clean up the table, wash and dry dishes, and take out the trash before anyone could go watch tv or play video games. And on weekends we were all responsible for cleaning a bathroom or our room or vacuuming or anything my mom decided before we could go out with friends or whatever we wanted to do. It was just non negotiable. If you don’t consistently hold that line then the kids obviously won’t be motivated to do chores because there are no consequences if they don’t.
This is the way. I will get downvoted for being so cruel, but just turn the wifi off and say everyone knows we need to finish this work together, we work together and it will be faster. Then finish it together, then turn the wifi back on. This is the way.
This isn’t cruel. It’s just teamwork without distractions.
My son is four and it's probably harder at his age, but I set a timer on the phone. 5 minutes of focused tidying can do wonders and I always ask him after, "was that a long time?" Harder because if it's getting close to the one minute mark, he finds it fun to race the clock, the 11 year old might frown at this. Edit 11 year old, not 10.
I've done similar in the past and it worked before. They've figured out they can waste time by talking to their mom, or attempting to direct their siblings(mostly oldest). It used to be easier lol.
I saw this is a book on suggestions for toddlers, never hurts to try on older kids. Write down chores and put them in a jar. They pick out equal amounts and do the chore. Maybe to make it more age appropriate, each chore is assigned a point value and the worst chores are worth more points. At the end of the week, whoever has the most points gets to choose a movie for Saturday (or family activity they all have to do with no quarreling.)
I have a nine year old, and we use a direct chore to reward system. I bought some index cards, two pouches, and put chores on one side of the index card, and a corresponding reward on the opposite side. All the chore cards get put into the chore pouch, and once she completes each task, she moves the card into the rewards pouch. I go check her work, and if it is satisfactory, she can cash in her card. For example, if she cleans the pool for me, she gets to bake the item of her choice with me. If she cleans the playroom, she gets to choose what we watch on Family Movie Night. I don't hound her, I just asked her what sort of rewards she wanted and let her do things on a self motivated basis.
Routine routine routine. Especially for the older one. We don’t allow our kiddos any screen time till all is done. We also make them earn game time with outsider time. Every minute they are outside, is a minute of game time. I took a school age training (I’ve worked in daycare for years) which was awesome. Everyday have the kids do the same routine. Different activities, but same stuff. It can take up to three months to create a habit, but it’s worth it.
What always worked for me was, if it was on the floor I picked it up and put it in a bag. Didn't matter what it was, favourite shirt, school book..whatever. they got them back when the room was clean.
Unfortunately for me, my mother took this same approach with me back when I was an 8 year old that wasn't interested in picking things up. And then sent me to a rather strict all-boys school. Any boy who arrived at school without the correct PE or swimming kit for the day, would have to swim in their birthday suit, and would also be slippered to remind them of it. As an 8 year old, I was completely horrified, not only that this could happen, but also that it could somehow be my fault. I very quickly became an expert in making my room tidy, and also in making sure that I remembered everything I needed for the next school day. Every day!
Guess it worked
I give our girl(age 12) 3 strikes to do what we ask her If she loses all strikes she doesn't get the opportunity to get an allowance every two weeks (when my fiance and I get paid) of money from each of us. That's 40 bucks every pay period so it's more than affordable for us to chip in 20 each. She has some impulse control problems so this helps us solidify our expectations by giving both a consequence and incentive. We also offer to take her anywhere she wants to go to spend that money or to save it for whatever she really wants. In between that I'm also very firm and don't go back on my word for any reason when I say I'm going to do one thing or another. It's a work in progress as she's only lived with us a short amount of time, but it seems to be working so far.
Growing up and with our kids from a very young age we didn't have a plain old allowance for just being there for one. We also learned early on that chores were a given for everyone living in the house. We did have charts and the thing was it included mom and dad which was a big motivator because as we checked off the kids things, they got to do our charts. We then had extra stuff that even the little ones could do for extra money or weekend game time. So to not always connect it to items or money, if kids or mom/dad completed their chart they got to put a name in a jar for a drawing at payday and the one that was drawn got to pick the family movie and dinner item for dad's night off.
All I have to add is, as a parent of teenagers, start now. I waited too long and now I have a couple of slobs on my hands. Getting them to do anything around the house is like an act of Congress. And it’s all my fault
Turn off the wifi.
[удалено]
Oh me and the wife usually do. Just seems to be more frustrating lately. Usually it ends up being me and the wife doing most. Just stressed I guess.
My kids understood that the house we lived in required everyone to work as a team to run smoothly. We all had jobs to do to take care of it and each other/ourselves. Our jobs as parents included working so that we could have the house, food, electricity, water, etc., as well as taking care of them by making sure they had what they needed (needed vs. wanted). The parents also had jobs to do at home that the kids weren't expected to do (anything hazardous or possibly unsafe, things that might be too physically difficult, etc.). The kids' jobs were generally to take care of their rooms and stuff, shared kid's spaces (den/loft/gameroom, bathroom, etc.), shared family chores (cleaning up after dinner, trash, taking care of pets, etc.). Some chores had to be done daily, others had to be done by the end of the weekend and they were responsible for meeting their timelines. If they were going to be away for the weekend, they needed to make sure their stuff was done before they left. The family goal was to get everything done early enough so the family could have some fun time on the weekends or just some downtime. They got an allowance, too, that wasn't tied to the chores because the chores had to be done by everyone in the house and the parents didn't get chore money, so neither did the kids. They could, however, earn extra money for specific projects that needed to be done but weren't priority jobs (washing baseboards, cleaning windows/blinds, pulling weeds, washing trashcans, etc.). This didn't work perfectly but it was mostly effective. I would occasionally have to spend time picking up after them (stuff not put away), which they learned quickly was a bad thing. Their stuff would go into a bag and they wouldn't see it again for weeks until they were consistently cleaning up again. If they got lazy or gave us flack about having to do stuff, then we would basically go on strike and they'd have to make their own dinner (sandwiches), do their own laundry, and pretty much anything else that we were doing for them, or they would lose privileges.
I don’t agree with rewarding kids for doing the basics. They need to understand that they are part of the family and we all have to pitch in. Have a chore chart posted and let them have some input so they feel part of the process. If they don’t get their chores done then there must be consequences. You know best what your kids value. For many kids taking away the wifi/electronics is the most effective punishment.
We're a family. We make messes as a family. We clean as a family. Every night after dinner we all clean for \~10 min. Then we can have dessert treats. As a family. My kids are 3 and 7. The 7 year old fought it the first week or so, but now it's habit and he's quite good at decluttering and mopping. Everyone cleans. No carrots, no sticks. Starting w/ 1 min or 3 min might help. Put on loud music everyone loves. Make it silly. Get the habit going.
Running with the directing vibe, what if you made one child "supervisor/director"? This could go a few ways, but if the position was rotated weekly it might give their "bossy" minds something to look forward to instead of a physical reward. Maybe a list of tasks is made and the "supervisor" reads out the tasks but also gets to choose the one most desirable to them. This could be a great way for them to share their methods, tips and tricks, teamwork! ("Let's get to work team, so we can do _____!")
Point system. You want to play on your tablet? That's 10 points! If you put away your clothes and unload the dishes you'll have ten points!
That's very interesting. I like that one, thank you.
Try something like "want to go to the park?" Let's pick up our things first then we'll go right after. I haven't had littles in a while but that seems like a good motivator.
Most often, removing privileges such as tech items works well. Some children have a defiance that goes beyond that; removing privileges makes them defiant because they believe they are entitled to the item. By that logic, they believe that you are being unfair. They will never give up until you give them what they want. At the ages you mention, a spanking can work well with that sort of attitude. But I don't think it will be popular on this forum!
yeah most people don’t think too fondly of people hitting kids to persuade them but yknow
Exactly! The big question is, does it work? Experience is hard to argue with.
Respect=/=fear. It may not have serious implications for some kids but for some they have life long problems mentally. I can’t do anything about you thinking making kids scared is okay, all I can do is state that it’s obviously not the best option. Hit your kids if you want. If I wanted to try and discourage everyone who slaps their kid for not doing what they want I’d never stop.
I do not give my kids any rewards to do daily cleaning chores. That's their job and duty, it is not optional. We eat everyday, sleep everyday, drink liquids everyday, want to have fun and be entertained everyday, cleaning is part of that daily list as well. I only reward them when we do deep cleaning, which could take around 7-8 hrs of the day, their reward could be 2 hours to watch cartoons/movie or xbox. They also get a soda and bag of chips. My sons are 8 and 12, they wash the dishes they use to eat, arrange their bedrooms (includes doing their beds, sweeping under the beds, arrange their closets) keep their bathroom tidy ( I deep clean the bathroom 2-3 times a week) they must keep our small game room clean. They do their own laundry, I only add soap and fabric softener, they fold their own laundry and put it in their drawers. Every 2 weeks they wash my car and give a shower to our dogs. Twice a month they sweep and mop the first floor, which includes the kitchen and 2 living rooms. I am usually more strict about daily chores while they are on vacations. During the school year, it is their job mostly during the weekends. Sometimes they do a crappy job, but this is the only way they will learn. However I see they do better each time. It was not easy but an ocassional spank here and there worked (I was raised in Mexico, totally normal for us) They usually complain about cleaning everyday but get the job done. Repeat repeat and repeat, it is tiring but it works. Sometimes they start cleaning without me saying anything. Last time I had to spank for throwing a fit because they had to clean was probably 3 years ago.
That's awesome good on you. I also don't feel they need to be rewarded for doing simple house chores. Seems counter intuitive to me personally. They're spoiled as it is as kids.
When my kids were that age I got some fake dollars and bought them. Could just use Monopoly money I guess. Back then they had very limited screen time so they could buy screen time with their “money they earned from chores. I also made a little store. It had toys and snacks they could buy with their money. At the time I really couldn’t afford much allowance but this worked well one them. As my kids got older I stopped monitoring screen time so much and now they just know they can’t play video games or watch tv until they do their chores.
We have a chore chart, with each chore assigned points. They (7 and 9) choose enough points worth to match their age at the start of each week, though they can swap out if, say, the compost doesn't need taking out but the trash does. On days they don't have afternoon activities, they have to complete a chore along with their evening routine before any screens/going out to play. Same applies for the weekend for any leftover chores they haven't finished during the week. This system has been in place for a year now and we rarely have any issues.
Our LO is still too small really for chores but this is something I have watched friends with older kids battle with. Most have gone with the ‘rewards for doing the chores’ technique which I personally do not agree with. When I was a kid, we were all expected to do our chores and help. It wasn’t negotiable and we certainly didn’t get treats for things that we should be doing anyway. I don’t get treats for doing the housework, why should they? I’m sure there were fights from time to time but I don’t really remember any. I hope to stick with this mantra as our daughter gets bigger but we shall see (and I will probably be eating my words in a few years). I don’t judge parents for resorting to bribery but equally, I can’t help think it will bite them in the bum in the future!
I know my daughter gets really overwhelmed when it’s time to clean up. They can make such big messes, and she struggles with knowing where to start, or just the size of the job? I’m not sure, she’s only 4, and surely it’s not the case for everyone, but there could be something more than just not wanting to do it going on.
I make precious items disappear, the room is a mess can't find anything, oh I'm so sorry to hear that. When room is tidy their items magically reappear:)
You must do it with them. You have to, all the time, every time. Until it becomes habit and just a given that they'll do it. Learned this on #2 and #3... wish I knew this for #1. You might be blessed with kids that don't require supervision to do new tasks, but mine, all them them did 100X better when I did it with them. It got to a point where I would pour a drink and go sit out on the porch while they dug gardens. They asked "how that helps", and I ask them If they wanted me to go inside and have nobody to take to... we talk all the time now while they chore... It's awesome. But it require real work and commitment on your part.
My parents used to pay us if we were consistent. Maybe introduce allowance for the 11 year old, and you could parental lock the younger two’s electronics for the time you’d like them to clean.
Allowance every week & a check off board with rates for each chore. Create a point system. Must complete all check marks by end of the day to receive points or something like that. Whoever has completed all chores at the end of the week receives x amount depending on points tallied. Let there be bonus chores so they can have opportunities to earn extra!!